In this little thread you are requested to construct a story using clichés and hackneyed expressions. A story so pathethic that even a pseudonym like Cordwainer Birdpoop would not be overkill. Let us begin. You, the reader can add your own versions.
It was a dark and stormy night. Exactly the same as last night and many nights before that. I was on foot in South Central, hoping to find work as a private dick or ambulance chaser. A hooker told me I looked like the Marlboro man, or something to that effect. She looked beautiful in a gutteral sort of way. You know, when you're down in the gutter, and your eyes are blurry? Even MacGyver in a wig would look trés chic.
Before another cab went by, a bum accosted me, "Brotha, can you spare a dime? Better yet can you rub two nickels for me."
"Just the facts, bum. You look like you're caught between a rock and a hard place. No job, no income, no future, huh?" I sympathized with him. There but for the grace of God went me. I handed him a fat Susan B. Anthony coin. It had two heads, although the bum wouldn't have noticed. Only a storekeeper would, and besides, what can you buy for a buck nowadays, anyway?
A hoochie walked past me. She was as cool as a cucumber and as hot as asphalt. Her knockers warned of her presence half a block away. It was fun looking at her as she came and went. Then she turned around.
"Mister, can you please help me? I seem to be lost, and need a boy scout to help me find my way to Auntie's house."
Yeah, right. If this dame had an auntie, it was probably her madam. So I sez to her, "Sure I can help you. You are looking for a house of ill-repute, right?"
I could see a slap coming from the corner of my eye, but it never arrived. You're thinkin' I'm refering to the slap, but I was going to mention my eye. You see, I have amblyopia or lazy eye. Because of that handicap, I never made it to the police force. That and the fact that I'm basically honest disqualified me. Before she could slap me I got out the words, "I love you, baby." She stopped and laughed. Nothing like a sense of humor to disarm a woman.
"This looks like the beginning of a long relationship," she purred.
"Let's just get to the nearest bar, sweetie." I took her arm in mine, and we walked to Snoop Dawg's tavern. "The night is young, the moon is bright. I only have eyes for you." These lines work all the time, and if they don't, there's always Jack Daniels.
(to be continued, or should we request a mercy killing?)