Originally Posted by queentess
The first paragraph:
As a reader, not any sort of professional editor, this sounds… clunky.
He calls his dad "father" but calls his mom "ma"? Seems inconsistent.
EDIT:
Upon further reading, did you have anyone (aside from yourself) edit this before publishing it? There's a lot of infodump, commas aren't placed correctly, and there are some weird time elements where it switches from current time to many hours later in the span of a paragraph. And a host of other issues I won't get into since you weren't asking for editing help. But this could easily explain why people view the sample and then don't buy.
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