The first paragraph:
Quote:
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“I only busted Dannyo’s lips and swelled his eyes shut Master Zarvin!” the excited young pixie named Oonzil said from his seat atop the human wizard’s upside down teacup. His frog skin jerkin was ruffled, as was the shock of lavender colored hair atop his head. “I could have, and should have, done him more harm than that.”
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As a reader, not any sort of professional editor, this sounds… clunky.
Quote:
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“My father may have broken his oath once, but he did it ‘cause Ma and me needed him!"
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He calls his dad "father" but calls his mom "ma"? Seems inconsistent.
EDIT:
Upon further reading, did you have anyone (aside from yourself) edit this before publishing it? There's a lot of infodump, commas aren't placed correctly, and there are some weird time elements where it switches from current time to many hours later in the span of a paragraph. And a host of other issues I won't get into since you weren't asking for editing help. But this could easily explain why people view the sample and then don't buy.