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Old 09-17-2010, 06:44 AM   #3
mr ploppy
Feral Underclass
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Posts: 3,622
Karma: 26821535
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Yorkshire, tha noz
Device: 2nd hand paperback
Not sure if you're looking for a critique or not, but ...

Mistakes:
Let go check it out
In was a room, hewn into a rough rectangle
Spunkmeyer turned and pushing himself into the shaft
He turned threw his body headlong
We’ve got some one alive here
the two marine's he’d sent to reconnoiter the village
the gouge in the man’s next (not sure what this should say -- neck?)
daylight was making its presence know
blackened figures wondered aimlessly

You also use the term "decimated" when referring to a village that has been competely destroyed.

What didn't work for me:
another set of teeth tore him a new anus
“Spunkmeyer! Oh, goddamn it! They're biting me!” (he would be more likely to say "aaaaaaaaahh" or "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu..")

I also thought there wasn't much violence in it for a zombie story, and what there was seemed notably bloodless, like the old cowboy and indian films.
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