Quote:
Originally Posted by ardeegee
A couple of more sentences that caught my eye last night.:
"Everything was repackaged, in variously sized featureless white gelatin capsules, which he was forbidden to open."
"He'd pushed the empty white bubble-pack, with its tiny, precisely handwritten notations of date and hour, in purple ink, far down into the seatback pocket.
Also noticed one long sentence fragment, similar to the one in the "would you keep reading" thread over in Self-Promotions. I don't know what happened with this book, but the editor really failed at his job.
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Can't see anything wrong with these two sentences myself... the first one you quoted was a bit too much, yes, but not these two IMO. I could read the same sentences with less commas, but I might have to go back and re-read to get the structure and meaning right. The commas make it easier to read for me.
The trouble is, once you've started noticing a thing like that in a book, you might become obsessed with it. I can relate to that
