I felt it was too purple: full of adjectives and adverbs. I also dislike too many "ing" endings. Could be my problem, but I was a little confused about what was going on. My mind boggled when faced with clauses like "against the chaos surrounding her".
Maybe read a few books about writing. One I always recommend is "The Way to Write" by Fairfax and Moat. This is no longer published but you often find it on Amazon.
The plot may be great, just polish up the writing.
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