Well if you hate self-promoted books that much the obvious response is to avoid this forum.
I am not sure how much this has to do with self-promotion at all. I cannot tell you how many times I have read the blurb on the back of a book in a store to find it bore minimal resemblance in terms of both content and quality to the text inside. This is simply the difference between advertising and reality and is a feature of all contemporary business. Do you really expect the same juicy mouth-watering treat to be served up to you as depicted in a fast food restaurant window photograph? In all reality it will taste of cardboard. They have something to sell and need to entice you in, there is no difference with books.
At least with a self-published book the advertising copy is usually being written by someone who knows the book well.
Speaking personally I try to avoid words like compelling, thrilling and enticing. I don't even say that my book,
The Gods of the Terminal, is funny because none of these are absolutes. Humor is a very subjective thing, what makes one person laugh leaves another cold. I am embarrassed to claim anything .. and that probably hits sales badly, but I am that kind of person.
Finally, why is everyone so down on Smashwords. Maybe it is because I publish with them I am more sympathetic, but their premium content does at least go through some quality checks. In contrast of the last two Feedbooks books I read, one had an incomplete last page and another only had the first chapter and a note telling you to go download the rest of the book in a different format from the author's website because he couldn't be bothered to convert the rest to epub.
I do review most of the content I read on Smashwords so feel free to check out my reviews if you want to find some of the better quality material there or avoid some of the worst.