Hey guys, I'm right now working on doing some tweaks to the dialog in one of my books to improve the way it flows, and to better portray the way people talk in England, specifically London. I've been watching a couple shows from the UK recently, and I came to realize that my perception of how the British speak, and reality are somewhat uncomfortably divergent. (ref: Using "nicked" as a reference for going to jail.) So here's a bit of dialog from the book that I need checked over, and possibly enhanced a bit with common British terms, slang (where applicable) and grammar. The two people speaking are both British BTW. Any help is welcome. Thanks.
Spoiler:
"Mr. Carter, you know I don't like it when you sneak into my car like that."
The man grinned.
"My apologies, sir, but it's what I do. Being seen can be detrimental to one's health in my line of work."
The manager grunted. "So what do you want? Is your boss crying for more money again?"
Carter nodded. The manager grunted again.
"I don't know why he sends you here begging like this. I will not fund Black Orchid any further until he shows me proof that he can beat those infernal Society blokes once and for all. So long as they're around, any plans to take over the world will be crushed repeatedly, and with prejudice."
Zoahn cocked an eyebrow. It was quickly becoming apparent to him that the bankers were merely Black Orchid's chief funding source, not it's power center. He studied Carter for a few moments and considered his next moves.
"How are we to be expected to beat the Society when we do not even have the funds to operate properly?" asked Carter.
The manager grinned.
"Well, I guess that's for you to figure out, isn't it? Driver, stop here. Our guest is leaving."
The car rolled to a stop, and then the driver climbed out and opened the door.
Carter grinned, and said, "I'll be back soon enough, and you had better have the money when I do, or you will be left out of our new world order."