Who is Jack Bauer?
Bauer graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English literature from UCLA, and a master’s degree in criminology and law from UC Berkeley.
After finishing university, he worked as a Los Angeles Police Department SWAT team member, and in the U.S. Army’s elite Delta Force. Apparently, Bauer also did fieldwork for the Central Intelligence Agency before being seconded to the Counter Terrorist Unit.
Bauer held the position of Special Agent in Charge of CTU Los Angeles during the attempted assassination of Senator David Palmer. During that day, Bauer’s wife Teri and his daughter Kim were kidnapped by Victor Drazen, a man Bauer thought he had killed in a covert mission called Operation Nightfall in Kosovo two years earlier. Bauer’s colleague/former love interest Nina Myers (who turned out to be a traitor) killed Teri Bauer before being arrested. Jack was so distraught over Teri’s death that he resigned as CTU Special Agent in Charge and became an inactive CTU agent.
Eighteen months later, Bauer was called back to duty by President Palmer to help CTU stop a terrorist group known as Second Wave from detonating a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. After the incidents depicted in Season 2, Jack was appointed Director of Field Operations by new CTU Los Angeles Special Agent in Charge Tony Almeida.
However, Tony was removed from CTU three years later after committing an act of treason to save his wife’s life, and Jack was forced to leave the institution and became employed by the Department of Defense. Bauer became involved with the daughter of the Secretary of Defense, Audrey Raines, and it was apparently a serious relationship. However, after Jack was called back to CTU in Season 4 to help them stop a series of attacks against the United States masterminded by a terrorist named Habib Marwan, Audrey decided that she could not handle Jack’s life when he was working for CTU, and the two of them separated.
1) Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn’t escape and nearly drowned.
2) When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied “What does ‘afraid’ mean?”
3) There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer’s right hand and Jack Bauer’s left hand.
4) The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
5) The only prerequisite to becoming a CTU security guard is being able to accept being rendered unconscious by Jack Bauer.
6) Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
7) It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
8) When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
9) Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
10) If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called “1”.
11) Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
12) If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you’ll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you’re fucked.
13) There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
14) Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
15) When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
16) When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
17) On Jack Bauer’s Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
18) Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
19) Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a “knock knock” joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
20) If everyone on “24” followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12”.
21) If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
22) Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, “I have them right where I want them.”
23) Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever the fuck he wants.
24) Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
25) On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
26) There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack. For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, “I give you my word.”
27) Jack Bauer once acted as judge, jury, and executioner; but to save time he now just acts as executioner.
28) Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn’t let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
29) Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer’s mind. Now he’s sitting in a wheel chair.
30) If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
31) If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
32) Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It’s because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.
33) There’s one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.
34) Jack once shot himself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and alligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
35) The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
36) Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, “What’s your idea of a perfect game show?” He replied with, “I’m the contestant and I ask the questions around here.” Jeopardy was born at that moment.
37) If you wish to contact Jack Bauer by phone, your call must first go through the president.
38) Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O’Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
39) Jack Bauer doesn’t laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
40) Jack Bauer’s calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
41) Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again. The fact speaks for itself.
42) Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
43) Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
44) ..and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, “I’ll take it from here.”
45) Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
46) There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
47) When Jack Bauer says, “I don’t know if I can do this anymore”, the statement must be loosely translated as, “I can still rip off your head, I just don’t know if I feel like I can shit down your neck at this time.”
48) Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
49) Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
50) Jack Bauer doesn’t have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It’s basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer’s PC. Ever.
51) Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
52) Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
53) When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
54) The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
55) Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
56) When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
57) If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it’s fucking beef.
58) Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means “quick interrogation.”
59) billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
60) When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
61) Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets. So don’t ask him to sign any part of your body.
62) Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
63) Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
64) Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
65) The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
66) Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.
67) The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
68) Jack Bauer doesn’t need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
69) When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
70) If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
71) Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
72) Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.
73) A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
74) My husband doesn’t wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
75) On Jack’s day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they’d prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to “grow up”. Good times... good times.
76) You can tell how much Jack Bauer likes you by how far above your kneecap he shoots you.
77) Life doesn’t give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
78) Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
79) Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
80) If Jack Bauer’s gun jams, it’s because he wanted to beat you with it.
81) It’s no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer’s milk. Oh you are so screwed.
82) Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
83) Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
84) Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
85) The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
86) Jack Bauer doesn’t have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.
87) While imprisoned in China, they made him play Russian Roulette with a shot gun. Jack won.
88) Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that.
89) Jack Bauer can pronounce the name “Ahmed” however he fucking wants.
90) After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
91) Jack doesn’t believe in Murphy’s Law, only Bauer’s Law: “Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours.”
92) Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can’t believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
93) Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
94) When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyone’s lines are translated except for Jack’s. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
95) If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
96) RIP Edgar. If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it’s what Edgar would have wanted. :(
97) Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
98) Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
99) The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer’s methods were “cruel and unusual punishment”. The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
100) In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
101) Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
102) James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
103) On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
104) When Jack Bauer calls for backup, he isn’t requesting more men. He’s telling you to back the fuck up.
105) Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.
106) When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, “Previously, on 24...”
107) Jack Bauer doesn’t need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
108) When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn’t go off, security gives him a gun.
109) Jack Bauer doesn’t take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
110) There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It’s basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
111) “Jack Bauer Camp” makes “Guantanamo Bay” sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.
112) Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an “Assault Weapon”. Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families.
But statistics don’t lie.
113) Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.
114) In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
115) Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
116) Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: “Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day.”
117) MTV once tried to ‘Punk’ Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robbery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk’d after season one.
118) Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
119) Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
120) Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don’t ask how he did it, he’s fucking Jack Bauer.
121) Jack Bauer doesn’t speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
122) Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
123) Jack Bauer was recently named “most likely cause of injury” among C.T.U. security guards.
124) Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.
125) When you go to hell, it’s just a room with you and Jack.
126) Don’t ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He’ll explain in the car.
127) When Jack Bauer is running, you’d better fucking run as well, if he’s chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.
128) When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.
129) Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
130) Jack Bauer wasn’t born, he was unleashed.
131) Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
132) Jack Bauer once won a game of Monopoly by torturing the other game pieces until they went into jail.
133) When Jack Bauer was little, he used to tie his brother up to a chair, put a bag on his head, and ask him, “How many cookies did you steal from MY cookie jar!?”
134) American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
135) When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
136) Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
137) Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re fucking dead.”
138) Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake. The snake died.
139) Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why? Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.
140) When Jack says “I won’t take no for an answer” you better not say no.
141) Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
142) Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
143) When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
144) In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane ravaged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn’t around?
145) If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.
146) When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion Asians crapped their pants.
147) Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
148) Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.
149) “You don’t know Jack” is a blessing among terrorists.
150) Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
151) Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
152) When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn’t fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.
153) At last years Christmas party, Jack Bauer brought the punch. Nobody survived.
154) When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4.
155) In high school Jack Bauer was voted “Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid”... and “Best Eyes.”
156) Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
157) When the president runs out of options he says: “Get me Jack Bauer, immediately.”
158) Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
159) The “Smoothie” was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
160) Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
161) If you’re holding a gun to Jack Bauer’s head, don’t count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
162) When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, “You’re in good hands with Jack Bauer”.
163) Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
164) When Jack Bauer eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.
165) If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
166) If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn’t have to bear witness to what he’d do to Nina.
167) When asked what he got on his S.A.T’s, Jack Bauer promptly responded “Blood.”
168) Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer”.
169) Jack has broken Tony’s leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer’s way of saying, “let’s be friends.”
170) There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
171) Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.
172) Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
173) The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
174) The truth may hurt, but it doesn’t hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
175) If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
176) When playing “Truth or Dare,” Jack Bauer dares you not to tell him the truth.
177) When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.
178) Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
179) Osama Bin Laden hides under the covers in his bedroom every Monday night from 9 to 10 and cries.
180) The safety on Jack’s gun isn’t there to protect Jack. It’s there to protect the gun.
181) At Jack Bauer’s funeral, there will be a eulogy, twenty-gun salute, and a squadron of F-14s flying over the procession. All of which will be performed by Jack Bauer.
182) To Jack Bauer, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It’s that somebody drank half his damn water, and now they will have a face full of glass.
183) Jack Bauer is the ‘i’ in team.
184) “Jack Bauer” is Arabic for “I’m fucked”.
185) Quentin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.
186) When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
187) As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead...once.
188) Don’t beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
189) People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
190) If you have information Jack Bauer needs, make sure your wife is sitting next to you.
191) You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That’s because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
192) When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
193) It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards “The Man of Year*”, there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, “ *besides Jack Bauer.”
194) During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
195) There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
196) Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
197) The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn’t matter.
198) When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
199) Don’t fall in love with Jack, you’ll end up kidnapped or dead... eventually.
200) Jack Bauer slept with Nina who slept with Tony who slept with Michelle which explains why she was immune to the virus.
201) Upon putting the plastic bag over his brother’s head in Day 6, Jack Bauer suddenly remembered how much he loved family reunions.
202) Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
203) When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
204) G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
205) Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.
206) Jack Bauer once called the Vice President “Mr. President”, but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.
207) Jack Bauer removed the “Escape” button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
208) Jack Bauer named his cat ‘Chuck Norris.’ Why? Because He’s a pussy.
209) When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
210) Jack Bauer doesn’t need a Presidential pardon. He pardons the President.
211) Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
212) Jack Bauer doesn’t eat honey. He chews bees.
213) Jack Bauer only wears body armor to protect the men behind him.
214) Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.
215) Jehovah’s Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.
216) When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, a nuke goes off in Los Angeles.
217) If Jack Bauer lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering.
218) My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was “just a television character”. We are now orphans.
219) Never use the phrase, “I feel half dead,” around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
220) If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
221) Initially, the 2007 budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. After episode one of season six, it was decided the pistols and ammunition were obviously superfluous, and replaced by one travel size bottle of mouthwash.
222) Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.
223) Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to “Don’t get up!” from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
224) If you tell Jack Bauer to drop his weapons, he would have to cut his arms and legs off.
225) Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
226) Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
227) Let’s face it, Jack’s carrying bag makes Batman’s utility belt look like a piece of rope.
228) During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
229) Jack Bauer doesn’t make threats. He makes facts.
230) Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.
231) Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
232) Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
233) Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.
234) Jack Bauer doesn’t ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
235) Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells “WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME” while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook.
236) Kim Bauer only exists because they don’t make Kevlar condoms.
237) Long ago, a sperm was interrogating an egg to find out its primary objective. The result was Jack Bauer.
238) When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn’t see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
239) When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglasses. The next day, Chuck Norris pled guilty to multiple counts of tax evasion.
240) Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer’s master plan to rid the world of Communism.
241) This bag is not a toy. It is a torture device used by Jack Bauer.
242) After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
243) Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
244) Jack Bauer’s vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.
245) Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
246) Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.
247) If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don’t want to see what he’s about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you’re about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you’ve ever seen.
248) Jack Bauer does not work for the Department of Defense. In fact, he has his own department - The Department of Offense.
249) The pain chart at the hospital reads “0” for no pain - “10” being interrogated by Jack Bauer.
250) In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
251) Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:
*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony’s leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
*Killed Ryan Chappelle
*Cut off Chase’s arm
*Attacked Ronnie
*Knocked out Curtis
*Killed Curtis
*Attacked two security guards
*Knocked out a security guard
Now do you want to work at CTU?
252) If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
253) Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.
254) Jack Bauer is the only person who can use a bath towel as a torture device.
255) You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
256) The bumper sticker on Jesus’s car reads, “WWJBD?”
257) Jack Bauer once umpired a major league baseball game. The final score of the game was 1056 to 983. Everyone’s safe when Jack Bauer is around.
258) If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have the freedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you’re alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.
259) If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn’t be an accident.
260) Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
261) Jack Bauer doesn’t eat honey, he chews bees.
262) When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says “You Win” and turns itself off again.
263) James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don’t need any licenses.
264) When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
265) All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
266) What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
267) Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
268) Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
269) Nathan Hale said, “I only regret that i have but one life to lose for my country.” Fuck that, Jack Bauer is on his third.
270) In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn’t need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
271) The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.
272) Please forgive Kim Bauer for her imperfections. After all she is half human.
273) No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a pussy” in a sentence and lived to tel-
274) Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
275) Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
276) In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib. I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.
277) Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn’t associate with anything that is #2.
278) Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl... by himself.
279) Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
280) Jack Bauer destroyed the table of elements because the only element he believes in, is the element of surprise.
281) The only way to achieve immortality is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, “I won’t let anything happen to you”.
282) Nobody says ‘hit me’ when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
283) Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
284) Dr House once told Jack Bauer that “House” could kick 24’s ass. Notice how House now walks with a limp.
285) Jack Bauer doesn’t get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
286) The first words spoken after the Big Bang were, “The following takes place between the birth of Jack Bauer and eternity.”
287) The only reason David Palmer is dead was because when faced with a national threat, he called the First Lady instead of Jack Bauer. Idiot.
288) When facing a room full of terrorist armed only with a sidearm, Ricky Schroeder would call for backup. Jack Bauer tells the coroner to bring extra bodybags.
289) Jack Bauer’s action figure has slept with more women than most men.
290) Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
291) When Jack Bauer drives the Wrong Way on a street, it becomes the right way.
292) When car pooling with Jack, never yell shotgun.
293) In Iraq, the U.S. military recently concluded a military offensive utilizing 200 armored ground vehicles and 50 weaponized helicopters in an intense search for terrorists called “OPERATION SWARMER” or, as Jack Bauer calls it, “casual Friday.”
294) Jack Bauer saved the day. Twice. In one day.
295) Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
296) The quickest way to a man’s heart is through Jack Bauer’s gun.
297) Jack Bauer picks up women by telling them, “You’ve read my file... you know what I am capable of.”
298) It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
299) Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
300) Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
301) The Jack Bauer action figure shot Barbie in the knee to get Ken to talk about GI Joe.
302) If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.
303) Jack Bauer is the only government employee that has the 24 hours on and two years off work schedule.
304) Jack Bauer’s dog put a sign on his fence that read “Beware of Jack.”
305) Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
306) How many Jack Bauer’s does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Jack Bauer can see in the dark.
307) One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven’t been robbed since.
308) If at first you don’t succeed, then your name is not Jack Bauer.
309) Don’t ever say “Bite me!” to Jack Bauer. He’ll do it.
310) Guys take it as a compliment when they mistakenly get called “Jack Bauer” by their girlfriends during sex.
311) If you’re a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see. Fortunately, if you’re a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you’ll ever see on Earth.
312) Jack Bauer doesn’t have time to wear a seat belt. It is much more time-efficient for him to simply shoot anything that might cause an accident.
313) Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.
314) Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
315) Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a ‘Jack Bauer’. He received three shots of Jack Daniel’s, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.
316) The only purpose of the airbag in Jack Bauer’s car is to prevent the steering wheel from being damaged by Jack’s face.
317) Scientists can’t analyze Jack Bauer’s DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.
318) You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer’s your wingman, you’re probably gonna get laid.
319) When Jack Bauer is looking for a good laugh, he watches Chuck Norris work out on his Total Gym.
320) The term “jackin off” now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
321) If Jack Bauer was the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, T.O. would have shut the fuck up and just played.
322) The movie “Hostel” is about a hotel where people go to relax after being tortured by Jack Bauer.
323) Season DVDs cannot be copied because Jack Bauer will not be burned.
324) “Panic! At the Disco” was originally called “At the Disco”. Then Jack Bauer showed up.
325) When faced with multiple nuclear threats to the country The President Of The United States said, and I quote, “Get me Jack Bauer.” He didn’t say, “Get me the guy who sells the Total Gym.”
326) If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.
327) Jack Bauer turns his regular bathtub into a jacuzzi simply by intimidating the water until it begins trembling in fear.
328) The Incredible Hulk once got so angry it turned into Jack Bauer.
329) A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.
330) Jack Bauer went as himself one year for Halloween. It was voted as the most terrifying costume in Halloween history.
331) Jack Bauer once opened a crate containing Weapons of Mass Destruction and all it had in it was a mirror.
332) When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run. But you’ll only die tired.
333) Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot. That day has since been referred to as Daylight Savings Time.
334) Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.
335) When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
336) When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they’ll get a group discount.
337) Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
338) Jack Bauer asked for a gun and a can of Red Bull. He ate the gun and killed five terrorists. The purpose of the Red Bull remains unknown.
339) Jack Bauer knows Victoria’s secret.
340) When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.
341) Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
342) As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”
343) Jack Bauer doesn’t need to give anyone presents, the fact that they’re alive is gift enough.
344) Four out of five doctors agree that Jack Bauer can be hazardous to your health. The fifth doctor couldn’t be found for comment.
345) Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
346) If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
347) Jack Bauer didn’t use heroin because he had to. He took heroin because saving the world sober was getting too easy.
348) Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.
349) Jack Bauer doesn’t play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
350) If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter. If Jack Bauer sees your shadow, that means 6 more seconds to live.
351) Oil and Water don’t mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
352) Jack Bauer casts a shadow so big, most of the world just calls it “night.”
353) Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time. It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.
354) Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
355) Jack Bauer shoots first and...well that’s it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn’t need to ask questions.
356) Jack Bauer’s house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
357) A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer did not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him.
358) You know you’re Jack Bauer’s friend if he only shoots you in the thigh.
359) Sticks and stones may brake your bones but Jack Bauer will always kill you.
360) If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he’d confess.
361) Jack Bauer doesn’t do sequels because there is nothing he can’t finish the first time.
362) The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army of one they had been looking for.
363) Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still afloat is that Jack Bauer doesn’t feel like swimming all the way to China.
364) There are worse things in life than death. Jack Bauer can do all of them.
365) Jack Bauer can keep a person trapped in a phone booth for hours with his voice alone.
366) President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
367) Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season.
368) Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
369) Jack Bauer doesn’t lie. He tortures the truth until it admits it is wrong.
370) Jack Bauer doesn’t breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.
371) Peace is not an absence of war, it’s an abundance of Jack Bauer.
372) Teri Bauer had her tubes tied years ago. That still didn’t stop Jack.
373) If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you’d get is your life.
374) When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
375) Jack Bauer thought the movie “Mission: Impossible” was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
376) Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap. Jack Bauer has morals.
377) Jack Bauer knows where Carmen San Diego is.
378) Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That’s why he allows FOX to follow him around.
379) Jack’s execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa.
380) Jack Bauer was the only person in the Trojan Horse.
381) Jack Bauer always wins in the game “Life.” Obviously.
382) Alone, tortured, chained, and one a cargo ship heading to a country of 1.6 billion potentially hostile Chinese...it must be Jack Bauer’s birthday.
383) You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
384) Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute. On his cell phone.
385) The only time Jack Bauer looks Death in the eye is when he’s looking in a mirror.
386) Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to “beat it,” and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson’s downward spiral.
387) Jack Bauer does a great Kiefer Sutherland impersonation.
388) If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn’t be so fucking long.
389) Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0, he knows the value of the square root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi and the Colonel’s secret blend of herbs and spices.
390) Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.
391) The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
392) If you park your car illegally in a handicapped space and Jack Bauer catches you, you won’t ever have to park illegally again.
393) Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
394) There are two things you can always count on: Death and Jack Bauer causing it.
395) Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be to easy. He’d rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.
396) Every time Jack Bauer says “Son of a bitch” a new CTU agent is born.
397) The United States government implemented Daylight Savings Time because Jack Bauer requested more overtime.
398) Many beautiful women ask Jack Bauer to sleep with them on a daily basis but he always refuses. Is it because he’s gay? No, it’s because Jack Bauer doesn’t fucking sleep.
399) Jack Bauer does not use doors. He makes his own.
400) If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in “The Matrix”, Zion would have been fucked.
401) There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer’s daughter. Don’t.
402) Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
403) If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be “king of the jungle”.
404) For Valentine’s Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
405) Kim is proof that “it skips a generation”.
406) Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.
407) When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
408) Jack Bauer would kill Santa Claus in front of a bunch of children if it meant finding the bomb in time.
409) Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
410) Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.
411) The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.
412) When Jack takes his knife out, the terror alert level automatically drops to green.
413) In school, kids refused to play hide and seek with Jack Bauer, because when Jack found them, he tortured each one of his classmates till they give all possible locations to hide.
414) If you try to make Jack Bauer sacrifice himself for nothing, he will eat you.
415) Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference.....and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
416) A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
417) Jack Bauer found out they were making a 24 video game, and killed the makers. No one plays Jack Bauer.
418) Jack Bauer’s first act after being elected as President of the United States will be to add 5 new stars to the U.S. flag: China, North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and France.
419) When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
420) Jack Bauer puts the rage in courage.
421) By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to #1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.
422) Jack Bauer doesn’t work for the Department of Defense, Jack Bauer is the Department of Defense.
423) Jack Bauer once climbed Mount Everest. While at the summit, the President called him with an urgent message. He was back at CTU Los Angeles in 15 minutes.
424) China is now the number one importer of weapons of mass destruction: Jack Bauer.
425) “The valley of the shadow of death”, refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.
426) They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim. There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
427) If you run away from Jack Bauer, you’re just gonna die tired.
428) Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
429) Jack Bauer saved money on his car insurance by torturing the gecko.
430) If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
431) Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
432) After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
433) The reason Mohamed doesn’t want pictures of him drawn is because he’s afraid Jack Bauer will recognize him.
434) Jack Bauer never needs to wear a raincoat. Rain knows better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
435) If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
436) Insurance applications are now required by law to ask: “Are you a friend of Jack Bauer?”
437) Jack Bauer’s doesn’t use pickup lines, he just says, “Hi, my name is Jack Bauer.”
438) Jack Bauer once beat a guy unconscious, tied him up, pulled the trigger on a gun pointing at said guys head, then cut off the guy’s arm...And that guy was his partner Chase, who he actually liked. Just imagine what he’d do to you -- a person he doesn’t give a fuck about.
439) In the short time Jack Bauer was dead, he tortured the Devil and found the secret to immortality....and before he left hell to come back to life, he bitch slapped Nina Myers one last time.
440) Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from “Be All You Can Be” to “Army Of One”.
441) Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...
442) Jack Bauer does not watch breaking news, he breaks the fucking news.
443) The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.
444) If you have a headache, it’s because Jack Bauer is thinking about you.
445) Jack Bauer knows where the cast of Lost is.
446) Deaf people listen to Jack Bauer.
447) God created Jack Bauer on the 7th day, knowing He could rest easy with Jack Bauer in control.
448) Jack Bauer’s cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.
449) Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.
450) MacGyver uses everyday items to save people; Jack Bauer uses everyday items to kill them.
451) Upon meeting Jack Bauer, he will grant you three wishes. Realistically, you only get two because everyone’s first wish is that Jack Bauer doesn’t kill them.
452) After 20 months of excruciating Chinese captivity, a 15-hour plane ride and 5 minutes of being handcuffed to a metal grate, a car holding a murderous terrorist leader who wanted revenge on Jack appeared, with a legion of suicide bombers and an arsenal of torture weapons. Jack Bauer simply laughed. Everything was going according to plan.
453) Jack’s favorite game show is Jeopardy, because they give him the answers before he even has to ask the questions.
454) When you get a collect call from Jack Bauer the operator doesn’t even bother to ask if you accept the charges.
455) Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
456) To Jack Bauer, Level 8 Security just means it takes 8 seconds to infiltrate.
457) If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like “protocol”, “orders”, or “civil liberties”.
458) Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
459) Two of Jack Bauer’s wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.
460) Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
461) When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.
462) Jack Bauer smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.
463) If Jack Bauer played Ethan Hunt, it would be Mission Easy.
464) Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend’s ex-husband and still have her fall for him.
465) Scientology was based off a Mad Lib that Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.
466) Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
467) Jack Bauer scared the black out of Michael Jackson.
468) Jack Bauer doesn’t have a middle name nothing gets between Jack Bauer.
469) Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, “I’ll be the one asking questions around here.”
470) When humans trip on acid, it alters their perceptions of reality. When Jack Bauer trips on acid, it alters reality.
471) Jack Bauer shops at Costco... without membership.
472) Jack Bauer doesn’t read books, he interrogates them until they give him the information he wants.
473) Jack Bauer’s blood type is testosterone.
474) Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant and they made a shitty movie about it.
475) Commissioner Gordon only rings the Batphone when he can’t get an answer on the Bauerphone.
476) Dick Cheney asked Jack Bauer if he wanted to go hunting, Jack Bauer said start running Dick.
477) To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber. Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.
478) Jack and Dr. House are good friends. As soon as Jack kills a man, House saves him so Jack can kill him again.
479) Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
480) Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in humans. Sometimes he goes to the ocean to wash off the blood of his victims. Jack Bauer is also the leading cause of death in sharks.
481) Jack Bauer doesn’t use toilet paper. He uses terrorists.
482) If Jack Bauer ever runs for president, he will be the first person in history to ever have 100% of the votes.
483) In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy’s name? Stephen Hawking.
484) Clark Kent called himself Superman... Only because the name Jack Bauer was already taken.
485) Who says Jack Bauer does not have a heart? He’s holding one in his hand right now.
486) When Jack Bauer signs up for a free ipod online, they actually give him one.
487) Jack Bauer can tell a book by its cover.
488) Jack Bauer went on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” only so he could phone a friend and yell, “You’re running out of time!” for 30 seconds.
489) Chuck Norris may have divided by zero, but Jack Bauer can divide you in half.
490) If Jack Bauer shoots you, it’s because he has a plan. If you live, you’re part of that plan.
491) Jack Bauer doesn’t have a cigarette after sex. He has sex again.
492) The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn’t been caught, tortured and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for “Sweeps Week”.
493) Swiss cheese didn’t used to have holes in it until Jack Bauer thought it was a terrorist.
494) There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who fear Jack Bauer, and those who are Jack Bauer.
495) Jack never played hide and seek as a child. Instead he played seek and afflict pain on whoever he needed to in order to get the information he wanted. Jack still enjoys rousing rounds of this game and remains undefeated.
496) When women are asked what they see in Jack, they respond “24”. They’re not talking about the show, either.
497) While in Special Forces, Jack Bauer was captured and submitted to electro-shock torture to the testicles. He charged the battery.
498) Jack Bauer fought Cancer. Now it’s safe to smoke.
499) Jack Bauer doesn’t make mistakes. He makes more chances to kill.
500) Jesus and his disciples watched 24 during the last supper. That is why they are all facing the same direction.
501) Every time you ask a question on Ask Jeeves, Jack Bauer tortures someone for the answer.
502) Jack Bauer doesn’t buy plane tickets. He stows away in the cargo hold, sneaks into first class, knocks out the air marshall, steals his gun and then get the pilot to take him where ever he wants.
503) Jack Bauer didn’t bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert. You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
504) Upon finding David Palmer’s dead body, Jack Bauer resurrected him from the dead, trained him to become a special forces soldier, strategically placed him in a group known simply as “the Unit” and moved him to another network.
505) Jack Bauer doesn’t aim. He tells bullets where to go.
506) CTU tried to get Jack Bauer into therapy after his wife’s death. By the end of the first session, the psychiatrist had given up all his innermost secrets because Jack Bauer asks the questions.
507) Jack Bauer released episodes 1-4 of season 6 to the internet a week ahead of schedule because no one holds back Jack Bauer.
508) Jack Bauer has always wanted to say, “I give you my word damn it we’re running out of time son of a bitch” but if he ever said it like that, fans would just die of emotion.
509) The last time Jack Bauer got angry... Germany surrendered.
510) Jack Bauer was once picked second in a game of dodgeball. The game quickly turned into dodge-bullets. Jack is always picked first.
511) Jack Bauer is God’s Easy Button.
512) Jack Bauer could get Edgar Stiles laid.
513) No matter how or when you die, the last thing you see will be Jack Bauer.
514) Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays, nobody takes a day off for Jack.
515) million people can’t be wrong...unless Jack Bauer says so.
516) Jack doesn’t get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.
517) The show 24 is always opened with.. “Due to graphic violence, parental discretion is advised”, was recently changed to.. “Due to Jack Bauer.”
518) If a tree falls in the forest, it’s because Jack Bauer wants it down.
519) When Jack Bauer tells you to jump, you don’t ask “How High?” You ask, “When can I come down?”
520) There isn’t anything Jack Bauer can’t take down with only a handgun, including helicopters.
521) If Jack Bauer could bring anyone to life (maybe David Palmer, Terry Bauer, Michelle Desler), he would bring Nina Myers so he could kill her again.
522) Despite being white, Jack Bauer was admitted into the Black Panthers not only for his amazing ability, but also because his name rhymes with “Black Power”.
523) If you’re Jack Bauer’s boss, you probably won’t be when the day is over.
524) Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn. He dares it to grow.
525) The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
526) Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have place to upload stuff to Chloe O’Brian.
527) would be a mini-series if the rest of CTU just got out of the way and let Jack work.
528) Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.
529) Jack Bauer once shot down a helicopter with a handgun. For real.
530) The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army.
531) Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
532) Chuck Norris once sent Jack Bauer a Total Gym. Jack promptly returned it with the bullet-ridden corpse of a terrorist, as well as a note that had been stapled to the man’s chest. It read, “This is what I do to workout.”
533) If Jack Bauer doesn’t kill you on the first shot he is trying to torture you.
534) Batman has a Jack Bauer nightlight.
535) It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.
536) One time when Jack Bauer was a kid, he invoked Section 112 Protocol overwriting his parents’ authority. He made them go to their rooms for 2 hours. They stayed for 3.
537) You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it’s just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
538) Jack Bauer killed Kenny.
539) Jack Bauer cannot stick his elbow in his ear, but he can stick your elbow in your ear.
540) Jack Bauer is the President’s easy button.
541) Nike doesn’t show Jack Bauer advertisements because they know he’ll “do it” when he’s goddamn ready.
542) Jack Bauer has single-handedly popularized messenger bags for straight men.
543) Jack Bauer had phone sex with a woman and got her pregnant.
544) Jack Bauer once killed 128.3 men with one bullet. Without a gun.
545) Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.
546) Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
547) Jack Bauer doesn’t need a map. All roads lead to Jack Bauer.
548) Jack’s PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password. “Son of a bitch”.
549) Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
550) Jack didn’t shoot Ira Gaines because he was pulling a gun on him. Jack shot him because he said “good luck”, which implied the possibility of failure.
551) There are only 2 types of people in the world:
• Those who will do anything for Jack...and eventually die as a result.
• Those who are secretly plotting to betray Jack, and who will eventually die as a result.
552) Season 5 of 24 was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel. This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.
553) When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn’t crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor’s neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked.
554) Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.
555) Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
556) If there is one thing Jack Bauer hates as much as terrorists, it’s protocol.
557) Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
558) Jack Bauer does not need an umbrella. Raindrops know better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
559) If Jack Bauer says there’s a wrong way to eat a reeses. There’s a fucking wrong way to eat a reeses, and you better not do it.
560) If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you... well amigo, you’re fucked.
561) Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.
562) Jack Bauer cries when he watches “The Patriot.” Not because he’s sad, but because he could have won the Revolutionary War by himself in 24 hours.
563) Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.
564) The proverb “Do unto others...” does not apply to Jack Bauer, because nobody can do what Jack does.
565) One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer. This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
566) If you replace “Jesus” with “Jack Bauer,” the Bible makes more sense.
567) When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.
568) Jack Bauer doesn’t need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That’s what key witnesses are for.
569) Jack Daniels drinks Jack Bauer. Daniels then suffers a 24 hour hangover.
570) When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
571) Jack Bauer laughs at the movie Mission Impossible. There is no such thing as an impossible mission for Jack.
572) Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
573) Jack Bauer can make you remember things you never knew.
574) Spiderman kissed Mary Jane upside-down. Jack Bauer would have gotten a blowjob.
575) Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him.
576) Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer’s alarm clock screams out “THERE ISN’T ANYMORE TIME!”
577) Jack Bauer doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
578) A man once said “Give me liberty or give me death.” Jack Bauer gave him death.
579) The reason that it’s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.
580) Upon being slapped by the doctor after being born, the first words out of Jack Bauer’s mouth were “son of a bitch.”
581) Jack Bauer got in a car accident and protected his air bag.
582) Jack Bauer can talk about what happens in Vegas outside of Vegas.
583) All Video games now feature four difficulty levels: Easy, Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer...No one has ever beaten the game on Jack Bauer.
584) A “Bauer movement” is when you shit your pants after Jack Bauer shows up at your door.
585) Jack Bauer doesn’t use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
586) Drive-Thru’s are open for 24 hours because if Jack Bauer wants a chalupa, goddamnit Jack Bauer gets a chalupa.
587) Jack Bauers parents taught him hide and seek at age 4, they are still trying to find him.
588) For every result you get during a Google search, Jack Bauer tortured someone to get it up there.
589) Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase “The pen is mightier than the sword.”
590) Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.
591) When shocked, normal people say, “Jesus Christ”, Jesus says, “Oh My God”, God says, “For the love of Jack Bauer”.
592) If you’re a passenger in the car that Jack Bauer is driving and he gets a call from the President, ask to be let out at the corner. Somebody is going to die.
593) Jack Bauer saved Private Ryan.
594) If Jack Bauer had been in “The Terminator”, Arnold would have never been back.
595) Jack Bauer can make Chloe smile.
596) Edmund Burke once stated, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Then he saw season one of “24” and amended his statement to “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Jack Bauer to be on vacation.”
597) Jack Bauer can’t go behind enemy lines. The enemies are behind Jack Bauer’s line.
598) When Jack Bauer asks for your help, he’s not asking.
599) When Big Tobacco claimed that cigarettes didn’t cause cancer in test subjects, their test subjects were all Jack Bauer.
600) Jack Bauer is so well endowed that if he were on Prison Break, the blueprints would all be tattooed around his penis.
601) The only kill Jack Bauer has ever regretted is Nina Myers, but that’s only because he didn’t get to torture her beforehand.
602) Someone actually clicked on the “Who the hell is Jack Bauer” link on this site. Jack Bauer proceeded to kick down their door and torture them until they revealed what they knew about the bomb. Now they know who Jack Bauer is.
603) Statistically, the most dangerous occupations in America are: Logger, fisherman, pilot, and knowing Jack Bauer is alive.
604) The Fantastic Four are being sue to change their name. Jack Bauer’s knuckles are the real Fantastic Four.
605) Jack Bauer doesn’t need to carry an umbrella, he can dodge rain.
606) When Neo and Jack Bauer fought, Jack shot him. Nobody dodges Jack Bauer’s bullets.
607) Jack Bauer’s hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.
608) The only thing worse than being Jack Bauer’s boss is being Jack Bauer’s partner.
609) Jack Bauer beats Asians in Dance Dance Revolution.
610) Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it’s being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
611) If Jack Bauer smoked marijuana, it would be legal.
612) If you shoot Jack Bauer in a dream, you’d better wake up and apologize.
613) The number one cause of death in America is heart disease. The number one cause of heart disease is fear of Jack Bauer.
614) Jack Bauer once found the cure for cancer. He destroyed it immediately after he realized that cancer was the only thing giving him competition in the ‘Deaths per Day’ category.
615) Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland on TV, needless to say Jack Bauer is the world’s greatest actor.
616) In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jack Bauer could use to kill you, including the room itself.
617) Jack Bauer doesn’t follow the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Bauer asks, and you’d better tell. Or else.
618) Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris. Blindfolded.
619) Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
620) Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.
621) Wayne Gretzky is ‘The Great One’ because Jack Bauer does not play hockey.
622) Jack Bauer’s first job was as a waiter, he was fired soon after. Jack Bauer takes orders from no one.
623) The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night. Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday.
624) Jack Bauer didn’t pull the wings off flies when he was a child. He pulled the arms off the boys who pulled the wings off flies.
625) Contrary to popular belief, the clock noise on “24” isn’t recorded. It’s a live feed from Jack Bauer’s heart.
626) Jack Bauer can eat just one ‘Lays’ potato chip.
627) When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
628) If you look up terrorist in the dictionary you will not see Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer will see you.
629) Whenever Jack Bauer gets taken into custody he always hands over his one shoulder strap nap sack and says “here are my weapons”. If you notice, no one has ever dared to look in that bag.
630) Jack Bauer told Chloe that she was the best computer technician in the world. He then told her something she didn’t know about computers.
631) When Jack Bauer says he sees dead people, he’s serious because he killed them all.
632) Jack Bauer did not hire clowns for Kim’s birthday parties. He stood in front of the children and demanded they enjoy themselves.
633) Whoever said, “You can’t win ‘em all” obviously wasn’t talking to Jack Bauer.
634) Jack Bauer once tortured his mother to find out the location of his Christmas presents.
635) Jack Bauer doesn’t think in terms of right and wrong, just “what I’m going to do” and “why the hell are you slowing me down?”
636) Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.
637) Dirty Harry once told Jack Bauer to “Make My Day.” Seen any new Dirty Harry movies lately?
638) Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
639) Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled “Son of a Bitch.”
640) Jack Bauer’s only kidding. He knows who you’re working for.
641) Jack Bauer once played pictionary blind folded and still ended up killing 3 terrorists.
642) Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
643) Die Hard is the funniest movie Jack Bauer’s ever seen.
644) Jack Bauer’s death was not staged. Jack came back to life after Satan was too scared to let him into Hell.
645) Creators of the 24 video game were shocked to find that everyone who played their game wound up getting shot above the knee. Nobody pushes Jack Bauer’s buttons.
646) It would take the entire teams of CSI Vegas, Miami and NY to process a murder scene where Jack Bauer was responsible for the body count.
647) It was once believed that Jack Bauer actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that is a lie, created by Jack himself to lure more terrorists to him. Terrorists never were very smart.
648) Henderson’s men actually took cover behind a water tank. Unfortunately, when Jack Bauer wants an explosion, water turns into natural gas.
649) Chinese prison was a vacation for Jack Bauer. It was the first time he could actually sleep, eat, and go to the bathroom.
650) Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer’s picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
651) Kobe would pass to Jack Bauer.
652) A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unless the bird is in Jack Bauer’s hand. Then that fucking bird is dead.
653) Jack Bauer is the reason Jason Bourne cannot remember anything. Bourne should consider himself lucky he does not remember Jack.
654) For his 40th birthday, Jack Bauer wished that Nina Myers was alive. So he could kill her again.
655) Jack Bauer once donated blood to a hospital. The doctor’s realized that no man could ever receive Jack Bauer’s blood directly. They had do something with it though. This is why we now have steroids.
656) Jack Bauer is allowed to leave his phone on during a movie.
657) A black cat crossed Jack Bauer’s path and was promptly hit by a car.
658) Jack Bauer doesn’t need money, “I give you my word,” is enough.
659) Jehovahs Witnesses skip Jack Bauer’s house.
660) Jack Bauer’s influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased, former director of CTU George Mason was able to make it to the Final Four.
661) While most children were playing Cops and Robbers, Jack Bauer was playing Jack Bauer and Robbers. Those men are still in jail today.
662) Never bring Jack Bauer into your home. You will be arrested for possession of a weapon of mass destruction.
663) Jack won with rock even when paper covered him. No one can cover Jack Bauer.
664) Jack Bauer doesn’t tie his shoelaces. He points a gun at his shoes and dares them to fall off.
665) Dave Chappelle shot a 24 parody for Season 3 of his show. Jack Bauer found out. Dave Chappelle ran away to South Africa.
666) Jack Bauer doesn’t need a bulletproof vest. He only wears one to protect the bullets.
667) Jack Bauer has never had a beer in a bar... Chloe always uploads it to his PDA.
668) If you have to ask Jack Bauer what time it is, it’s already too late.
669) While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
670) Jack Bauer was brought to China to enfore the one-child policy.
671) The opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Jack Bauer played in second grade.
672) We call it “Girls Gone Wild”. Jack Bauer calls it “When ever Jack Bauer enters a room.”
673) Jack Bauer’s file says he was the commander of Special Forces after being in the Army for 20 years. In truth, he WAS the Army’s Special Forces for 20 years, but he wanted a new challenge after he toppled the USSR.
674) In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball. Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
675) Jack Bauer doesn’t cry. The man you see is his “emotion double”.
676) At work Jack Bauer squeezes grenades, necks and triggers. Stress balls are for pussies.
677) Jack Bauer doesn’t need to memorize his PIN number. He just tells the ATM machine, “You’re gonna give me $60 in 20s. It’s just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.”
678) Kim Bauer does not need a guard dog. Instead, she has a sign on her fence that reads, “Beware of Dad.”
679) Jack Bauer plays dodgeball with a bowling ball.
680) The Dept. of Homeland Security’s threat advisory (e.g. “red-severe”) is just a measurement of how pissed off Jack Bauer is.
681) James Bond’s “License to Kill” was given to him by Jack Bauer.
682) Sony had Jack Bauer beta-test the 24 video game. As soon as he had Chloe widen the parameters, the game was beaten in 60 minutes.
683) Scissors are scared to run with Jack Bauer.
684) When he was a kid, Jack Bauer didn’t play ‘red light, green light.’ Every light is green for Jack Bauer.
685) Jack Bauer walked into to traffic and killed 3 cars.
686) Jack Bauer is the only reason Santa Claus is able to deliver presents to millions of children in a 24-hour period.
687) The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack’s safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it’s actors.
688) Kim Bauer’s dad can beat up your dad.
689) Oxygen requires Jack Bauer to survive.
690) After being framed for David Palmer’s murder Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
691) The devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
692) Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.
693) Jack Bauer would laugh in the face of danger, but Jack Bauer doesn’t laugh.
694) Jack Bauer once kicked Paris Hilton so hard she got her virginity back.
695) Jack Bauer won the Indy 500 in a Ford Explorer.
696) The Chinese didn’t admit that Jack actually repeatedly spoke two words during the two years of Chinese torture: at the end of each session he said “That tickled.”
697) The French surrendered to Jack Bauer. Twice.
698) The quickest way to the endangered species list is Jack Bauer.
699) After each day of saving the world, Jack visits the cemetery to leave a bouquet of flowers at Teri’s grave and empty a clip into Nina’s.
700) If you break one of Jack Bauer’s ribs, he’ll just use it to stab you to death.
701) Jack Bauer once took part in a rodeo. He won it by throwing the bull.
702) LA recently instituted a new city beautification program. They painted a giant picture of Jack Bauer’s face covering the whole city. Now LA’s birds are all gone because nothing shits on Jack Bauer and lives.
703) Jack Bauer didn’t do heroin for the feeling. He just wanted to make sure he can kill terriosts in any situation. He can.
704) The CTU LA Employee of the Month has been eliminated since Jack Bauer came around. They now have an Employee of the Hour, and Bauer has won all but one of these awards... RIP George Mason.
705) Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only hunt them down next season.
706) The Angel of Death has Jack Bauer on speed dial.
707) If there is a will, there is a way. And if that way is through Jack Bauer, you are fucked.
708) In God we trust , but God trusts Jack Bauer.
709) Jack Bauer shaves the sights off his guns, they get in his way when he is trying to shoot.
710) Jack Bauer’s favorite reality show is 24.
711) David Palmer did not get that horrible burn on his hand from a biological agent. He got it after he high-fived Jack.
712) One hour after being conceived, Jack Bauer was born. Jack never takes more than an hour to get out of a hole.
713) Police label anyone attacking Jack Bauer as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
714) If Jack Bauer were to fall into the ocean, he would not get wet, the ocean would get Jacked.
715) It only took 3 minutes for Jack Bauer to find out Victoria’s secret.
716) When the other kids were making paper airplanes, Jack Bauer was making paper torture devices.
717) Jack Bauer once shot his Ex-boss’ wife in the knee cap just to prove her wrong when she said “You’re not going to shoot me Jack.” Wait, this is a real fact.
718) There are no natural disasters in California. Except for Earthquakes. This is because the earth trembles in fear of Jack Bauer.
719) Jack Bauer has more extra lives than Super Mario.
720) The term “power hour” has been replaced by “bauer hour”.
721) Jack Bauer went to the Bermuda triangle once. It disappeared.
722) Jack Bauer doesn’t swim in shark-infested waters because it wouldn’t be fair to them.
723) If the show was called “Bauer: Texas Ranger” the show would still be in production.
724) Jack Bauer once lost his TV remote, but managed to regain control by calmly telling the television what to do.
725) In honor of Jack Bauer’s saving LA for the fifth straight season, Kobe Bryant has changed his jersey number from 8 to 24.
726) Siskel and Ebert once gave Jack Bauer two thumbs down. Siskel is dead. Ebert no longer has thumbs.
727) When you walk into a bar and Jack Bauer’s your wingman, you’re not probably gonna get laid. You WILL get laid.
728) Jack Bauer once made a blind man see again, then promptly threatened to cut out his eyes if he didn’t give him the information he wanted.
729) Jack Bauer’s mom asked him who he loved more, her or his country. To this Jack chuckled and responded, “You know that answer” as he snapped her neck. Jack Bauer hates dumb people.
730) President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself.
731) Deathly afraid of Jack Bauer, Minute Rice will fully cook itself in 15 seconds flat.
732) Jack Bauer would vote for Hillary Clinton to be president just so he could assassinate her.
733) Sliced bread is the best thing since Jack Bauer.
734) By special request, Trojan condoms now come in more sizes: regular, large, extra large, and Jack Bauer.
735) Kiefer Sutherland doesn’t play Jack Bauer in 24, Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland all the time.
736) Jack Bauer has never killed a person of color. That’s because everyone turns white with fear before being killed by Jack Bauer.
737) The Devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
738) ‘Lesbian’ is a latin phase, which roughly translates to; “She who has not yet been introduced to Jack Bauer”.
739) Daylight savings time was created to give Jack Bauer an extra hour one day a year with which to kill terrorists
740) During the childhood game “Duck, Duck, Goose”, no one “goosed” Jack Bauer. Ever.
741) There’s only one real reason why Jack Bauer is going after his family in Season 6: It is time to purify the bloodline.
742) Justin Gatlin tied the 100m world record this year because Jack Bauer was after him.
743) Because of Jack Bauer, the life expectancy of all Middle Eastern countries has been shortened by fifty years.
744) Shakira’s hips use to lie, until they met Jack Bauer.
745) Jack Bauer refused the Godfathers offer.
746) Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.
747) One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer killed a guy with a flute.
748) % of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
749) What do you call Jack Bauer with no arms or legs in the middle of a lake? Extremely dangerous.
750) Rudolph the red nosed reindeer… did not have a red nose until Jack Bauer pistol whipped his ass.
751) If Jack Bauer told you to stop looking at these facts, you would stop looking at these facts.
752) Life is all fun and games.... That is unless Jack Bauer finds you playing it, then it’s game over.
753) Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer’s life. For terrorists, the shortest.
754) Jack Bauer often has to deal with Canadian terrorists, but these events are not televised. If they were, the show would be called “2”.
755) Jack Bauer doesn’t get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
756) Why did the terrorist cross the street? To get hit by a car before Jack Bauer could get him.
757) The United States government does not cover up the existence of aliens, they cover up the fact that Jack Bauer has killed them all.
758) Superman once hid behind Jack Bauer in a fire-fight.
759) Jack has 2 wet lists. One is a list of all known terrorists around the world.. the other is a list of all women who have thought about Jack Bauer.
760) It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
761) The last man on Earth will be Jack Bauer, only because he has run out of people to kill.
762) It takes 46 shots for Kobe Bryant to score 81 points. It takes Jack Bauer 46 shots to kill 46 terrorists.
763) They should change CTU to CBU: Counting on Bauer Unit.
764) Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Jack Bauer in the face. Jack blinked.
765) In the event of a crash your corpse doubles as Jack Bauer’s flotation device.
766) Jack Bauer doesn’t follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
767) Jack Bauer spends and hour each morning practicing saying “NOW!!!”
768) The sole job of the Verizon wireless “can you hear me now” guy is to make sure Jack Bauer always has cell phone reception. The fate of the US and all of the free world depends upon it.
769) Jack Bauer is the reason Enrique Iglesias no longer has that thing on his face. Jack Bauer fucking hates moles.
770) Having sex with Jack Bauer has also been called “Lethal Injection.”
771) Only Jack Bauer can be reinstated on a provisional basis four times.
772) On Sunday mornings, Jack skips church. God comes to his house instead.
773) Consenting to be Jack Bauer’s partner automatically makes your life insurance null and void.
774) The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the A-Team, AND the Ghostbusters all have Jack Bauer lunch boxes.
775) The earth rotates because it’s trying to run from Jack Bauer.
776) Jack Bauer didn’t invent fear, but he does hold the patent.
777) Jack Bauer can beat a royal flush.
778) When ever your significant other uses the line “It’s not you, its me”; it was really Jack Bauer.
779) The Earth is only turning because Jack Bauer walks on it.
780) Any man can piss on the floor. Jack Bauer shits on the ceiling.
781) Jack Bauer’s high school counselor told him to “shoot for the stars.” Jack Bauer has now destroyed over 1,216 stars using only a pistol.
782) Capital One doesn’t want to know what’s in Jack Bauer’s wallet.
783) If you shoot Jack Bauer, you better believe he will interrogate your bullet, and know who shot at him.
784) Jack Bauer is like Achilles without heels.
785) Jack Bauer is awfully sorry about what happened to your two children tonight but you really shouldn’t have dressed them up as terrorists for Halloween.
786) Jack Bauer irons his own clothes... while he’s wearing them.
787) Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn’t, Jack Bauer was on duty.
788) The Butterfly Effect was originally going to star Jack Bauer, but they realized there was nothing to go back in time and correct.
789) Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16...
“You will tell me what I need to know, it’s just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.”
790) When Jack stares into the sun, the sun flinches.
791) The only reason Audrey Reins sold schematics to the terrorist was so Jack could push her up against a wall like he does in her fantasies.
792) The soup nazi gives Jack Bauer extra crackers.
793) Every person who has contributed a fact to this site has done so because Jack Bauer was holding a gun to their head.
794) Normal people have trouble killing two birds with one stone. Jack Bauer can kill thirteen birds simultaneously with a dull pencil.
795) Only Jack Bauer can get more information out of his interrogator than the interrogator gets out of him.
796) If Jack Bauer says “Dammit!” more than once in a 24 hour period, don’t be in L.A.
797) In grade school, young Jack Bauer once shot a kid while going for the final remaining seat in “Musical Chairs”.
798) In the Mortal Kombat preliminary rounds, Goro had 6 arms when fighting Jack Bauer. He still does; 4 on his body and 2 in his ass.
799) Jack Bauer yells at his cell phone to recharge it.
800) If Jack Bauer were in Rocky VI, there would be no Rocky VII.
801) Jack Bauer was only wrong once, and that was when he thought he was wrong, but he was actually right.
802) If Jack Bauer wants to have a minute alone with you... well, basically you’re fucked.
803) Father’s Day is changing it’s name to Jack Bauer Day since Jack Bauer most likely is your father.
804) In ‘Con Air’ Nicolas Cage says, “There are only two men I trust. One is me and the other’s not you.” The other person is Jack Bauer.
805) Before Heroine, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed...but it only slowed him down.
806) Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.
807) Jack Bauer’s Tic Tacs don’t make noise in his pocket.
808) Jack Bauer got Tyler Durden to talk about Fight Club. Then Jack beat the piss out of him.
809) David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
810) Many believe the 24 Video Game is unfun, as Jack cannot get hurt and kills all terrorists with one shot. The makers of the game simply state that they want to be a simulation of Jack’s life.
811) Everytime someone gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
812) When Jack Bauer says “DAMN IT,” God actually damns someone.
813) If Jack Bauer were Mexican, everyone in the United States would try to hop the border to Mexico.
814) Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer’s file, that’s why he killed himself.
815) “The Following Takes Place Between”... Whenever the fuck Jack Bauer wants it to.
816) When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
817) Jack Bauer doesn’t walk. The ground under him moves.
818) Jack Bauer, cashing in on his super-power ability to get to anywhere in L.A. in 15 minutes, is the employee of the month at Domino’s... for 5 years straight.
819) Jack Bauer doesn’t play “Sorry”. He plays “you’re going be fucking Sorry you played a game with Jack Bauer”.
820) If Jack Bauer started having sex with men, we’d all be gay for having sex with women
821) Two guys walk into a bar... Jack Bauer will find out why.
822) Jack Bauer won two awards on Sunday at the Screen Actors Guild awards. One for best actor in a drama series, and another for baddest motherfucker on earth.
823) If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
824) In second grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the principal’s office.
825) Jack Bauer prefers windows...doors are for women, children, and people he kicks through them.
826) If Jack Bauer was on the Titanic the icebergs would have moved out of the way.
827) If Jack Bauer says he’s in a “Flank 2 position” while you are beside him, you are fucked.
828) Jack Bauer doesn’t just think ‘outside of the box’. He breaks out of it. And sometimes, he has to sneak into the box, just to break back out.
829) Once, Jack Bauer thought he was wrong. But he was mistaken.
830) Jack Bauer put money in a parking meter and got change.
831) Jack Bauer didn’t invent torture, he perfected it.
832) Shakira’s hips don’t lie because Jack Bauer interrogates them continuously.
833) Jack Bauer can get 24 in Blackjack and still win. Jack doesn’t bust until he feels like it.
834) There must be balance in the world. When Jack Bauer was created, it was necessary to take the masculinity from one for the good of many. And this is why President Logan is such a pussy.
835) Jesus wears a T-shirt that says “Jack Bauer is my homeboy”.
836) Keifer Sutherland smokes cigarettes. Jack Bauer smokes terrorists.
837) Jack Bauer found and killed the last 0.1% of odor-causing bacteria.
838) Jack Bauer tortures foreigners into speaking in english.
839) The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
840) The most valuable thing in the world is Jack Bauer’s word. If Jack Bauer gives you his word, you can go to the bank and take out a $10,000,000 loan, no questions asked.
841) Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.
842) The reason we sleep well at night is because Jack Bauer doesn’t.
843) Jack Bauer goes from 0-to-kill in less than 3 seconds.
844) Jack Bauer can take two years off from CTU and still remember all his access codes, because they know better than to change them while he’s gone.
845) When God said “Let there be light,” Jack Bauer said “Say please.”
846) As a fetus, Jack Bauer went from conception to full term in only 24 hours, after which he shot his way out of the womb.
847) Pandora actually opened Bauer’s Box.
848) Contrary to popular belief, Kobe Bryant did not get Shaquille O’Neal traded to the Miami Heat. In fact, Shaq asked to be traded as far away from L.A. as possible, fearing that Jack Bauer will see the movie “Kazaam” and think that O’Neal is Middle Eastern.
849) Jack Bauer’s voice can be heard in the new Apple commercial. Bill Gates immediately switched to a Mac.
850) When Jack Bauer sees a crime, he doesn’t call for backup; he calls a coroner.
851) There’s a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being “Jacked.”
852) Superman has two weaknesses, kryptonite and Jack Bauer.
853) Jack Bauer can watch a nuclear explosion without suffering retinal damage.
854) Life is like a box of chocolates, unless Jack Bauer is torturing your ass and you want to die. Then life is like a box of shit.
855) Natural selection only works because Jack Bauer personally kills all the weak creatures. Jack Bauer does not tolerate weakness.
856) Jack Bauer knows why the Mona Lisa is smiling.
857) Jack Bauer fell asleep during the movie Mission Impossible. To Jack there is no mission impossible.
858) The only reason the energizer bunny keeps going and going is because Jack Bauer is on its tail.
859) Jack Bauer can unhook your bra while blindfolded and handcuffed to a pole.
860) If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, it’s because Jack Bauer is bending him over.
861) On Halloween, Jack Bauer always has candy because no one tricks Jack Bauer.
862) Nobody speaks while Jack Bauer speaks, which is why the entire world is silent for approximately 1 hour on Mondays.
863) If Jack thought twice about killing you then you’re already dead.
864) The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.
865) Jack Bauer added his own face to Mount Rushmore. Barehanded.
866) You can run but you can’t hide. Unless Jack Bauer is after you then you can’t do either.
867) Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer.
868) When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
869) Jack Bauer once thought he’d saved the world with 61 seconds to spare. Then he found his watch was a minute fast.
870) Jack toilet trained Kim at gunpoint.
871) There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else there’s Jack Bauer.
872) Jack Bauer invented the Jedi Mind trick. His only needed two words, “Trust me”.
873) Jack Bauer was once slapped and told to turn the other cheek. He did, but only to reach for his gun.
874) Jack Bauer sucks at horse racing. Every time he whips the horse to make it go faster, it dies.
875) % of all stolen helicopters in the state of California are the direct result of Jack Bauer.
876) Jack Bauer won Monopoly with one house on Baltic.
877) Jack Bauer killed Kenny. They didn’t call him a bastard afterwards.
878) When Jack shot Victor Drazen 8 times, it wasn’t because he was pissed, it was because he wanted to see how many shots he could get off before Victor hit the water.
879) Jack Bauer can make a man-purse look cool.
880) Time waits for no man. Except Jack Bauer.
881) It’s not considered nerve gas until it gets on the nerves of Jack Bauer.
882) Jack Bauer told Elvis to leave the building.
883) Charmin attempted to put out a “Jack Bauer Toilet Paper”. It had to be recalled because Jack Bauer takes shit from nobody.
884) By Season 8 of 24, Jack Bauer will have taken more human lives than he has saved. Whoever’s left will throw a party to commemorate the occasion.
885) Audrey had a visible reaction when she learned that Jack was still alive: Orgasm. Multiple.
886) When the other Boy Scouts were tying knots, Jack Bauer was defusing nukes.
887) Saddam wasn’t found by the military. He heard Jack Bauer was coming and turned himself in.
888) The X-Files are no longer on TV. That’s because Jack solved them all.
889) Jack Bauer once shot off a man’s penis during an interrogation. He later apologized, not realizing that regular men only have one penis.
890) When Jack Bauer masturbates he doesn’t touch himself at all. He just threatens his balls.
891) What should you tell a terrorist that’s been shot three times? Nothing. Jack Bauer already is about to ask him his first question.
892) The government takes portions of Jack Bauer’s lungs to make gas masks.
893) Lightning doesn’t strike in the same place twice, unless Jack Bauer tells it to.
894) On Halloween, Jack Bauer goes as himself.
895) When Jack Bauer was born, terrorists began suicide bombing.
896) There is no Santa Claus because Jack Bauer didn’t get what he asked for when he was five.
897) The truth may set you free, but only if Jack Bauer says it’s ok.
898) Jack Bauer watches 24 every Monday night as a weekly reminder of how badass he is.
899) “Have it your way” wasn’t a slogan at Burger King until Jack Bauer came in. Jack Bauer fucking hates tomatoes.
900) Jack Bauer’s swimming pool is called the Bermuda Triangle.
901) Mimes tell Jack Bauer who they work for.
902) Jack Bauer is a very exceptional gardener, he was able to clip the entire Drazen family tree.
903) Meatloaf once sang, “I would anything for love, but I won’t do that.” Jack Bauer did “that.” Twice.
904) Jack Bauer spells “idiot” L-o-g-a-n.
905) When Jack Bauer runs with scissors, someone WILL get hurt, and it won’t be Jack Bauer.
906) Jack Bauer is right behind you. By the time you turn around, he’ll be in hiding.
907) Jack Bauer always goes for it on 4th down.
908) Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were stuck in a room together once... After 3 minutes, Chuck Norris left crying without a scratch on him.
909) There’s a reason why no one at Jack’s elementary school ever played Cops and Robbers.
910) Jack Bauer can piss in the corner of a circular room.
911) Jack Bauer isn’t hung like a horse, horses are hung like Jack Bauer.
912) Jack Bauer once hit two home runs on the same pitch.
913) For 24: The Game, (PS2) there will be three levels of difficulty; Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer.
914) When Jack Bauer was on The Price is Right, he won the showcase showdown by torturing Bob Barker until he told him the exact price of his showcase.
915) If Jack Bauer was at your party, it would be the longest day of your life.
916) Jack Bauer understands the words that are coming out of Chris Tucker’s mouth, but it’s just easier to shoot him.
917) When in the presence of Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
918) If your wife is having sex with Jack Bauer, pray to God that she gets pregnant.
919) Grand Theft Auto doesn’t have a 7 star wanted level, you don’t want Jack Bauer after you, even in a video game.
920) It takes Jack Bauer 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
921) When Jack sinked his teeth into that terrorist’s neck after returning from China, he thought to himself, “Man, I finally got to fuckin’ eat.”
922) Jack Bauer doesn’t use a stunt double. Stunt doubles use Jack Bauer.
923) Kobe Bryant will pass the ball when Jack Bauer tells him to.
924) Jack Bauer had to kill his first girlfriend. She was sick of being on the bottom during sex-- but Jack wouldn’t compromise on his positions. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
925) In the time it takes you to read this, Jack Bauer would have already ended your life and moved on to your neighbors.
926) The only time we’d ever have to fear the French Army is if Jack Bauer became a French Citizen.
927) Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
928) An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An apple a day does not keep Jack Bauer away, it gets you shot. Jack Bauer loves apples. Don’t eat Jack Bauer’s apples.
929) If Jack Bauer says “Shit,” you say “What shape Agent Bauer?”
930) Even if Red Bull does give you wings, Jack Bauer will keep you on the fucking ground.
931) Jack Bauer likes to go bowling on the weekends. By bowling I mean “Killing” and by on the weekends I mean “Anytime he feels like it.”
932) Jack Bauer sleeps with a night light. Not because he is scared of the dark but because the dark is scared of Jack Bauer.
933) Jack Bauers’ bowels don’t move. He sits on the toilet and scares the shit out of himself.
934) To give the terrorists a fighting chance, Jack Bauer will start throwing bullets.
935) When Jack Bauer “goes dark” all black women in the world are immediately brought to orgasm.
936) Jack Bauer beat Tetris.
937) Jack Bauer has cancer, and cancer prays for it’s life.
938) Jack Bauer doesn’t need weapons, weapons need Jack Bauer.
939) Jack Bauer doesn’t need a watch. Time follows him.
940) When God said, “Let there be light,” it was so Jack Bauer could see who he was going to shoot.
941) Jack Bauer doesn’t own Tivo. His VCR simply lives in fear of ever forgetting to record his shows again.
942) Jack Bauer’s shadow has 8 kills.
943) When you get in a fist fight with Jack Bauer, he kills you with your own fists.
944) It never rains on Jack Bauer because nature knows better.
945) Jack Bauer has once made a lie detector lie. He then proceeded to torture it until it told the truth.
946) Jack Bauer cannot be linked to Kevin Bacon.
947) Jack Bauer doesn’t need to “establish a perimeter”, he is the perimeter.
948) When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.
949) Jesus turned wine into water. Jack Bauer turns blood from a terrorist he shot in the kneecaps into truth serum.
950) If you Tivo 24, Jack Bauer will kill you. Jack Bauer fucking waits for no one.
951) There is only one thing that Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar. It begins with a “K” and ends with “ILL”.
952) Little girl on the milk carton, Jack Bauer knows where you are.
953) Jack Bauer as the new spokesperson for Verizon: “You’re gonna hear me now. It’s just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.”
954) Jeeves asks Jack Bauer.
955) There are two certainties for everyone in life, death and taxes. For Jack Bauer, there’s only one certainty. And that’s why he hired a good accountant.
956) When most people get depressed, they seek medical attention. When Jack Bauer gets depressed, all he needs is a little radiation to get him back on his feet.
957) Jack Bauer doesn’t like it when people copy Chuck Norris facts and substitute his name. He will gundown your family for that.
958) If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray & found out who it was working for.
959) If Jack Bauer was on Oceanic Flight 815, he’d have been off the Island with 23 hours & 59 minutes to spare.
960) A policeman once pulled over Jack Bauer. Upon realizing his mistake the cop promptly arrested himself. Jack then shot him in the face anyways.
961) While playing Clue, Instead of investigating the rooms, Jack interrogates the Colonel until he tells him who killed Mr. Boddy.
962) Jack Bauer tortured Amnesty International until they agreed to endorse torture.
963) Jack Bauer doesn’t have to blow in his old Nintendo cartridges to make them work.
964) Jack Bauer was once abducted by aliens, this explains why scientists haven’t discovered intelligent life in the universe.
965) Jack Bauer learned alchemy to turn gold into lead. You can never have too many bullets.
966) Jack Bauer is China’s birth control.
967) Jack Bauer doesn’t need a gun to kill terrorists, guns just want in on the action.
968) Someone once told Jack Bauer that “gullible” was written on the ceiling. When Jack Bauer looked up, “gullible” WAS written on the ceiling.
969) When Jack Bauer does push-ups he doesn’t push himself up, he pushes the world down.
970) Studio execs pitched a Jack Bauer vs The Terminator movie. Upon hearing about this, The Terminator killed itself.
971) The painting “The Scream” is actually a picture from Jacks camera phone.
972) Jack Bauer’s hood protects him from corrosive nerve gas and makes him invisible to terrorists.
973) The reason there is a 50% divorce rate in the United State s is because Jack Bauer is still single.
974) When Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead, the dog actually died.
975) When Jack Bauer sends in his taxes, he sends a blank form along with a picture of himself with a gun. Jack Bauer has not had to pay taxes ever.
976) The reason Mexico is having a major economic recovery is because Jack Bauer spent 18 months there.
977) When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
978) If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife.
979) Geico just saved a bunch of money on their car insurance by switching to Jack Bauer.
980) Jack Bauer has one weakness. Kim’s stupidity.
981) If you are reading this, Jack Bauer has not killed you. Yet.
982) The cartoon that the Muslims are so angry about is really a drawing of Jack Bauer.
983) Jack is the reason Chloe has an EX-husband.
984) Jack Bauer can get a homeless guy to say who he’s working for.
985) Most people start their day with a bowl of cereal. Jack Bauer starts his day with a 9mm and a double figure body count
986) The U.S. government fruitlessly searching for Osama Bin Laden for five years: $6 billion.
The U.S. fruitlessly searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: $6 billion.
Jack Bauer bringing down four major terrorists in four days: Priceless.
987) Jack Bauer’s sperm do not fertilize eggs; they beat the shit out of them and demand a baby.
988) Jack Bauer tortures his family members to find out what he’s getting for Christmas.
989) When Jack Bauer orders a pizza with toppings, he gets pepperoni and glass. He picks off the pepperoni.
990) Jack Bauer is the 8th, 9th, and 10th wonder of the world.
991) Jack Bauer only seeks medical attention when his erections last fewer than four hours.
992) When E.T. phoned home, Jack Bauer answered.
993) Jack Bauer never parks in handicap parking spots. He does however make sure that there are plenty of crippled people to use them.
994) Even if you get shot in the neck or blown up in an explosion, if Jack Bauer needs you to work, you’re coming back to work, dammit.
995) When people said that “24” had “jumped the shark”, Jack Bauer jumped into the tank and killed the shark with his bare hands.
996) Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.
997) To Jack Bauer, “Dammit” isn’t just a cuss word, it’s a way of life.
998) If you’re in Jack Bauer’s hands, you’re not covered under our policy. That’s Allstate’s stand.
999) Jack Bauer once passed a kidney stone so large that he called it Edgar and put it to work at CTU.
1000) Jack was going to cut Chase’s hand off anyway. The bomb just gave him an excuse.
1001) Jack Bauer fills his plug-in air freshener with Sentox nerve gas.
1002) Jack Bauer turns left on red.
1003) Jack Bauer’s intestines don’t digest food. They beat the shit out of it until it drags itself away.
1004) Jack Bauer killed the one dentist who didn’t recommend Trident.
1005) No one says “Who’s your daddy?” to Kim Bauer and lives to tell about it.
1006) Jack Bauer has stared death in the face so many times that Jack is no longer afraid death. Death is afraid of Jack.
1007) Sometimes Jack Bauer likes to play dogeball with little kids. Not with a ball, but actually throwing little kids at each other.
1008) Since 2001, the year 24 premiered, terrorist deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
1009) There once ‘was’ a man from Nantucket. Jack Bauer shot him.
1010) Jack Bauer didn’t ask Mason for a hack-saw to cut that guy’s head off. He merely used his hands to do that. No, Jack needed the hack-saw to shave his awesome beard.
1011) The laws of physics and thermodynamics are only intact because Jack Bauer hasn’t gotten around to breaking them, yet.
1012) The FBI and CIA both use the show “24” as their primary training videos. Our investigators are still trying to decern what was used before 2001.
1013) If Jack Bauer was killed, God would wake up in a cold sweat and realize he was just having a nightmare.
1014) Priests confess to Jack Bauer.
1015) Jack Bauer didn’t temporarily die from being tortured, he was getting bored of the terrorists antics and decided to take a nap before killing them.
1016) Jack Bauer wires a flash bang to his alarm clock every night before bed.
1017) The day will soon come when kids in the playground argue over which one of them is going to be Jack Bauer in their school yard game. Fuck Superman.
1018) Sure Jack Bauer cut off his partner Chase’s hand - the hand that touched his daughter.
1019) is not a show, it’s a way of life.
1020) The human body is approximately 60% water. Jack Bauer is 100% bad ass.
1021) President Logan is not scared because he knows the terrorits are threatening America. He is scared because he knows Jack Bauer can take over anytime he wants.
1022) Wolverine tried to stab Jack Bauer with his claws once. Wolverine’s claws now come out of somewhere other than his hands.
1023) Jack Bauer once simply glared at the Incredible Hulk and he immediately turned back into Bruce Banner.
1024) Jack Bauer never really learned how to fly a helicopter but it flew perfectly anyway. The helicopter was scared of what would happen if it didn’t cooperate.
1025) When a burning bush appears to Jack Bauer telling him what to do, Jack pisses out the flames. Jack listens to nobody.
1026) Jack Bauer can stare directly at the sun.
1027) The real reason whales beach themselves? Jack Bauer occasionally goes swimming.
1028) Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer’s biggest fan.
1029) The only correct answer to the question, “Who’s your daddy?” is “Jack Bauer”. No matter who you are.
1030) Jack Bauer always answers the phone with “Yeah!”. Only pussies say “hello”.
1031) Step-by-step on how to beat Jack Bauer:
1. Don’t try.
1032) Jack Bauer once worked at Burger King. In 24 hours, they changed their slogan to “Have it Jack Bauer’s Way”.
1033) Jack Bauer once poked the Pillsbury Doughboy, it died.
1034) Jack Bauer competes as his own country in the Olympics. And wins it.
1035) Jack Bauer has 3 rules for fighting terrorism.
#1. Shoot first
#2. Ask Questions later
#3. Repeat rules 1 and 2)
1036) It’s a simple arrangement in God’s equation. Jesus Saves His children and Jack Bauer kills His mistakes.
1037) When a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear the sound, Jack Bauer hears it.
1038) Jack Bauer got a 1600 on his SATs, just by putting his name down.
1039) Jack Bauer can’t stick it to the man. He is the man
1040) Did you ever see the documentary of when Jack Bauer took a day off? It’s called “Black Hawk Down”.
1041) Jack Bauer went to Taco Bell and told them he wanted something more spicy. The results led to the E. Coli outbreak of December 2006.
1042) Jack Bauer never gets pop-ups. Ever.
1043) “This man has more lives than a cat.” Ramon Salazar, Season 3)
1044) Jack Bauer stays up all night. Now vampires are afraid to come out at all.
1045) Jack’s birthday is very important to him, for it marks the first time he ever caused someone a great deal of pain.
1046) Jack Bauer is allowed to take the tags off of mattresses.
1047) Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.
1048) Jack Bauer does not pull out. The girl must know when to push away or else its her problem.
1049) Agent Pierce is 62% as tough as Jack Bauer, easily making Agent Pierce the second toughest man in the universe.
1050) GO passes Jack Bauer to give him 200 dollars.
1051) Jack Bauer places a bag of flaming dog shit on Satan’s front porch every week. Satan knows Jack is doing it, but he can’t do anything about it.
1052) The reason why James Bond keeps switching the actors is because the writers keep hoping they’ll get Jack Bauer.
1053) We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are not created equal to Jack Bauer.
1054) Don’t come out of the closet, Jack Bauer will find you and put you back.
1055) The new best selling bumper sticker reads: “Jack Bauer will beat the crap out of your Honor Student”.
1056) Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin.
1057) Jack Bauer is the only person who can actually knock you into next week.
1058) When Jack Bauer says “Screw it,” your reply is, “What position, sir?”.
1059) When Jack Bauer hears a police siren, he doesn’t pull over. The cop does, and lets Jack Bauer handle it.
1060) On Day 4, Audrey Raines chose to be with her husband, Paul, over Jack Bauer. This is generally regarded as one of the worst decisions ever made by a human.
1061) Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time Jack Bauer masturbates, he kills 50 terrorists.
1062) Jack Bauer doesn’t like killing people. He loves it.
1063) Jack Bauer’s cell phone would work even if he was a mile underground beneath the desert in the middle of nowhere... because it knows what’s good for it.
1064) When given the choice, Japan chose the A-Bomb over Jack Bauer.
1065) On each page of Jack Bauer’s day planner are the words: Save the world, again.
1066) Jack Bauer beats Minesweeper in expert mode with one click every time.
1067) Twenty-four is getting stupid. Jack Bauer had to hold his breath so he wouldn’t not breathe in gas. Since when does Jack Bauer need to breathe? Jack Bauer lives off killing people, not oxygen.
1068) Jack Bauer was supposed to be included in Counterstrike, but was left out because no one wanted to be a terrorist.
1069) Phone Booth was really about Jack Bauer’s day off.
1070) Season 7 of 24 will easily be the most uneventful and boring season ever, because it clearly says in the bible: “And on the seventh day, he rests.”
1071) Once, a man told Jack Bauer he was better than him. Just kidding. No one is that stupid.
1072) If Jack Bauer says: “I need a hack saw...” get him a hack saw. And while you are at it, get him some sort of bag to put whatever appendage Jack’s about to cut into... He’ll like your initiative... and someday, that may save your life.
1073) Nothing can get in between Jack fucking Bauer. Except for the word “fucking”.
1074) Crosswalks weren’t made for Jack Bauer, if a car doesn’t stop for him, the car loses.
1075) Barbie dumped Ken for Jack Bauer.
1076) Jack Bauer delivered himself by Cesarean section.
1077) If Jack Bauer was black, his name would be Curtis.
1078) Jack Bauer can clap with one hand.
1079) Jack Bauer didn’t write a college application essay for UCLA. He simply sent a picture of his furious look along with a dead terrorist.
1080) Jack Bauer can fold a piece of paper more than eight times.
1081) Switzerland chose to be neutral to make sure they were always on Jack Bauer’s good side.
1082) Jack Bauer once used a retard to capture the most wanted terrorist and take down three of his subordinates.
...no, seriously, he did.
1083) Pi runs on forever in fear of Jack Bauer.
1084) If you’re ever unsure of what answer to give, just say or write Jack Bauer. You’ll get it right.
1085) When Jack Bauer requested a cookie in kindergarten, his teacher told him no and laughed. Jack replied by saying, “Look lady, I have crushed three rib cages since recess, rigged the fire alarm to go off right before the spelling test and stolen a total of $7.50 in lunch money. So maybe you should be a little more scared of the situation you’re in and just give me a goddamn cookie.”
1086) Only a nuclear explosion can change Jack’s mind.
1087) Noah only lived to be 900 years old because Jack Bauer was not alive to kill him for withholding information that could have saved millions of lives.
1088) Jack Bauer forced the Blackberry settlement so he could send a message to Mike Novick during Season 5.
1089) When Jack Bauer burps, he never says “excuse me.” Jack Bauer has no time for excuses.
1090) The Hulk wouldn’t like Jack Bauer when he’s angry.
1091) Jack Bauer is about to give new meaning to the term “Chinese Takeout”.
1092) Jack Bauer does not wash his hands when he pees. Jack Bauer knows better than to pee on his hands.
1093) Jack Bauer doesn’t need a belt. He demands that his pants stay up.
1094) To successfully interrogate Audrey Rains, all Jack Bauer will have to do is go “all the way in.”
1095) Jack Bauer already knew where the nerve gas was. He just threatened to cut out Walt Cummings’ eye for fun.
1096) Jack Bauer washes colors and whites together.
1097) Jack Bauer sank your battleship.
1098) Jack Bauer can kill 17 people with a six-shooter without reloading.
1099) Jack Bauer doesn’t have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
1100) If Jack Bauer says “your constitutional rights no longer apply,” not even the President can overturn his decision.
1101) If Jack Bauer told you Bush was doing a good job, you’d believe it.
1102) If Jack Bauer smoked cigarettes, even the Surgeon General would be selling them to teenagers.
1103) When Jack Bauer played Duck Hunt as a kid, he shot a hole through the TV. With the Zapper.
1104) The game known as Jacks was actually named Pick Em Up until Jack Bauer picked up all the pieces, disarmed a bomb, and killed 10 terrorist in one turn.
1105) Jack Bauer does not have enemies, just people who he has to kill.
1106) The Ten Commandments has an asterisk, excluding Jack Bauer from having to obey all of the above.
1107) Marines are often referred to as Alpha Company because they begin things. Jack Bauer is known as Omega Company because he ends them.
1108) Jack Bauer once started a fight club, hospitals around the country soon became overcrowded.
1109) Jack Bauer gives his State of the Union every Monday night at 9 pm.
1110) When Jack Bauer pushes the pedestrian crossing light, he gets a “walk” sign right away. Always.
1111) When Jack Bauer says, “I think he broke a couple of ribs,” it roughly translates to, “Hmmm, that kind of stung.”
1112) If Jack Bauer had to choose between saving Tony Almeida or Audrey Raines he would choose Tony. Jack believes in ‘bros before hoes’.
1113) The playoffs once went into overtime before the season premiere of 24. It was sudden death overtime because Jack Bauer went there and shot all the players. No one preempts Jack Bauer.
1114) Jack Bauer can fit 21GB on a 20GB Ipod.
1115) One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer took a flute and jammed it into a counselor’s neck.
1116) Jack Bauer is never asked to turn his cell phone off at weddings, movies, or churches.
1117) Jack Bauer would have finished his hunting partner off if he were in Dick Cheney’s position.
1118) Jack Bauer kills time for fun.
1119) Jack Bauer tried to play dogeball once, but ended up shooting each of his opponents nine times in the chest with what he considered to be, “a defensive maneuver.”
1120) The real reason why all those famous heroes like Hercules, Achilles, and Perseus lived in ancient times was because they didn’t want to compete with Jack Bauer.
1121) Jack Bauer did not fake his death to get away from the Chinese. He could own the entire country of China with his bare hands. No, he faked his death to get away from Audrey.
1122) The only reason outer-space exists is because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Jack Bauer.
1123) Jack Bauer is never surprised, only amused.
1124) Many people support the right to bear arms. Jack Bauer supports the right to arm bears, because an armed bear is one of the few things that has a chance of actually hurting him.
1125) Whoever said cheaters never prosper asked Jack Bauer first.
1126) Jack Bauer taught his kids to be potty trained by pointing a gun at their heads and strapping their arms to a nuclear device; they had 3 minutes.
1127) Jack Bauer is so badass, his gun reloads itself out of fear.
1128) Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
1129) Jack Bauer cancelled “Walker, Texas Ranger”.
1130) The lamp cord Jack Bauer used to torture Paul Raines wasn’t plugged into an outlet. Jack Bauer generates his own fucking electricity.
1131) Jack Bauer shouldn’t be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
1132) Jack Bauer can make the fun stop after popping open a can of Pringles.
1133) Don’t mistake Jack Bauer giving up his weapon for weakness. He is the weapon.
1134) Jack Bauer attracts terrorists like his daughter attracts psychos and mountain lions.
1135) When Jack Bauer wants drive-through, he gets it. If the restaurant doesn’t have a drive-through, they end up with one anyway.
1136) Jack Bauer faked his own death to get off the CTU payroll. Jack Bauer does not mix business & pleasure.
1137) The Ghostbusters call Jack Bauer.
1138) The Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. It hit Jack Bauer on his afternoon swim.
1139) If Jack Bauer says he would tell you but he’d have to kill you, he’ll probably kill you anyway.
1140) Jack Bauer does not push the pedestrian walk sign button. He gets a “walk” signal by approaching the street.
1141) Jack Bauer can downhill ski up a mountain.
1142) Jack Bauer is the only true American Idol.
1143) Tazing Jack Bauer is like tickling him with a feather.
1144) Audrey Raines’ nose is crooked because Jack Bauer once gave her a facial.
1145) When Jack Bauer enters a church, the choir stops what they’re doing and sings “Hallelujah.” Every time.
1146) Jack Bauer doesn’t pay prostitutes. Prostitutes pay Jack Bauer.
1147) Jack Bauer’s Guidance Counselor once asked him what he wanted to do with his life. Bauer told him what his plans were for life after high school, but then he had to kill him.
1148) Whenever Emeril says ‘Bam’ – he is referring to another kill by Jack Bauer.
1149) Jack Bauer allows himself to be stabbed, shot or tortured as a means of relieving stress, similar to acupuncture.
1150) The real reason the U.S. Government sold the shipping operations to Dubai Ports was to give Jack Bauer a fresh, readily-accessible supply of terrorists to kill.
1151) For every terrorist a CTU agent doesn’t kill, Jack Bauer kills three.
1152) % of Americans now ask themselves WWJBD? (What would Jack Bauer do?) The other 20% will be left out to dry when the next terrorist attack comes.
1153) Jack Bauer gets free vowels on Wheel of Fortune.
1154) Jack Bauer doesn’t die when he gets shot, he only gets pissed.
1155) Despite being an all-perfect being, Jack Bauer’s vision is 24/24. The good Lord felt it was both ironic and cute.
1156) If Jack Bauer had been flying the plane in “Top Gun”, Goose wouldn’t have died.
1157) Jack Bauer gets the chinese man to deliver his food even if he doesn’t spend the $15 dollar minimum. Then the delivery man tips Jack for not kicking his ass.
1158) Jack Bauer once shot a Terrorist plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
1159) Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.
1160) Jack Bauer once went hunting. Alabama is now mounted on his wall.
1161) Jack Bauer has only cried once, and that was because he ran out of asses to kick.
1162) Jack Bauer doesn’t hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys.
1163) Jack Bauer once killed a man claiming to be Jesus. Jack knew he was lying, because there couldn’t possibly be two Sons of God standing in the same room together.
1164) If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can see Jack Bauer you’re probably staring down the barrel of a silenced pistol.
1165) “Out of Business” is a code name for “that store didn’t have the item Jack Bauer wanted to buy from them.”
1166) Jack Bauer closed Pandora’s Box.
1167) Jack Bauer can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store without instructions or an alan key.
1168) I pissed my pants once during 24. Not because I was scared. Because if Jack Bauer can hold it in for 24 hrs, I can hold it in for one.
1169) What happens when you break Jack Bauer’s rib. He takes it and stabs you with it.
1170) When Jack Bauer moved to Elm Street, the nightmare ran away.
1171) You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It’s just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.
1172) Jack Bauer doesn’t feel regret. He only feels recoil.
1173) If the government made public the fact that Jack Bauer is still alive, China would no longer be the world’s most populous country.
1174) You do not want to play the Jack Bauer version of Jeopardy.
1175) Jack Bauer has all your missing socks.
1176) When Jack Bauer goes paintballing, he uses a real gun.
1177) Jack Bauer was once allergic to the animal known as the Dodo Bird. Long story short, the Dodo bird is now extinct.
1178) Texas doesn’t mess with Jack Bauer.
1179) If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris got into a fight, Chuck Norris would knock himself out so that Jack wouldn’t touch him.
1180) In one day, Jack Bauer has had to bury David Palmer, Michelle Desslar, Edgar Stiles, and Tony Almeida.
Because of this, anybody who claims to be having a bad day will have a towel shoved down their throat, and their stomach lining removed.
1181) The reason everyone with Allstate is “in good hands” is that they have David Palmer running their ad-campaign... which means they’re all in Jack Bauer’s hands.
1182) Contrary to popular belief, Jack Bauer kept Chase’s arm.
1183) Every time Jack Bauer breaks protocol 10 terrorists cry.
1184) Jack Bauer fired Donald Trump.
1185) Jack Bauer can put aluminum in the microwave.
1186) Jack Bauer was once asked if he was a homosexual. Once.
1187) The lyrics of “The Star Spangled Banner” have been changed. It now ends, “The land of the free and the home of Jack Bauer.”
1188) If you are not wearing underwear at this moment, then you are “going Jack Bauer”.
1189) Because of Jack Bauer’s role in Phone Booth, not only do terrorists avoid phone booths, but they refer to them as Jack in the Boxes.
1190) Jack whispered in Nina’s ear, “It’s 24 inches, bitch”.
1191) Michelle once cheated on Tony with Jack, when Tony found out he went over to Michelle and gave her a pat on the ass.
1192) Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.
1193) Former L.A. Lakers star, Wilt Chamberlain, claimed to have slept with 20,000 women. What he doesn’t mention is the fact they were all Jack Bauer’s sloppy seconds.
1194) When Jack Bauer exercises, the machine gets a workout.
1195) Jack Bauer is 1/5th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
1196) Jack Bauer is always in Chuck Norris’ blind spot.
1197) Jack Bauer doesn’t fear death. You can tell because he drives a Ford.
1198) They had to stop making Jack Bauer toilet paper because Jack doesn’t take shit from anybody.
1199) When Jack Bauer sees a terrorist with half a head, he stops laughing and reloads.
1200) Jack Bauer thinks it’s cute when David Banner says “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”. You wouldn’t have the opportunity to not like Jack Bauer when he is angry, you’d be dead.
1201) Direct eye contact with Jack Bauer is not advised, unless you do not fear death. In that case, prepare to die.
1202) Jack Bauer pisses with the lid down and still gets it in.
1203) Upon seeing Sean Astin become head of CTU, Jack Bauer immediately shot and killed him to prove to everyone that Goonies, in fact, do die.
1204) Jack Bauer doesn’t cry, the water in his eyes are running from him.
1205) The sound of Jack Bauer’s voice can impregnate any woman, and even some men.
1206) Pledge allegiance, to Jack Bauer, of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorism Unit, and to the country for which he kills; one man, under none, invincible, with torture and pain for terrorists.
1207) Jack Bauer was supposed to be in Street Fighter 2, but was later removed by beta testers because every button resulted in the same move, shooting the opponent. When asked about the glitch, Bauer replied, “that’s no glitch.”
1208) Jack Bauer once shot a man for having too many items in the express checkout.
1209) Guys wearing a t-shirt “I’m with stupid” suddenly realize that the hand is showing upwards when they’re standing next to Jack Bauer.
1210) You’re either with Jack Bauer or against him. If you’re against Jack Bauer, you’re either dead or will be soon.
1211) Normally the flight from Los Angeles to New York takes 7 hours, but when Jack Bauer is on the plane, it only takes 15 minutes because there’s not enough time.
1212) If Jack Bauer asks to have just 5 minutes with you, run.
1213) The atomic clock is set to Jack Bauer’s watch.
1214) When the military gave President Kennedy a 21 gun salute at his funeral, Jack Bauer returned fire.
1215) Jack Bauer rewrote the dictionary and took out the words “cruel”, “unusual”, and “punishment”.
1216) When the US Army discovered Saddam Hussien, it was only because Jack Bauer finally told them where he had been torturing Saddam for five years.
1217) Every morning, Jack Bauer stares at a basket of kittens and electrocutes himself if he thinks of petting one.
1218) Jack Bauer’s HIV positive. Nobody screws Jack Bauer and lives.
1219) Jack Bauer doesn’t cry wolf. The wolf cries Jack Bauer.
1220) Osama asked for a truce because he heard Jack Bauer got his address.. and is coming for dinner.
1221) Jack Bauer doesn’t believe in testing cosmetics on animals, he prefers terrorists.
1222) Jack Bauer killed Bambi’s mother. And then he ate her. Raw.
1223) Red Bull gives you wings. Jack Bauer didn’t have time to drink it so he shot the bull and took its wings.
1224) Jack Bauer doesn’t need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
1225) Jack Bauer would have died for our sins, but Jack doesn’t die for pussies.
1226) Vegas takes no odds on Jack Bauer versus a terrorist. The chance of the terrorist dying is always 100%.
1227) Kim must have been adopted. That’s the only explanation.
1228) If you mouth off to Jack Bauer, you will die of natural causes, because Jack will naturally kill you.
1229) Jack Bauer has to throw his clothes out at the end of the day, anything he wears for longer gets too attached to him.
1230) Zeus is the Greek word for ‘Jack Bauer’.
1231) Jack Bauer blinked once and President Palmer was assassinated, he won’t make that mistake twice.
1232) Executing your boss, cutting off your partner’s hand with an axe and torturing your girlfriend’s husband are just some of the perks Jack loves about his job.
1233) Jack Bauer is rated “R” for results.
1234) Aaron Pierce quite possibly could be be Jack Bauer’s father.
1235) Jack Bauer visited the Grim Reaper while he was on his death bed. The Grim Reaper’s last words were “The student has become the master”.
1236) Jack Bauer’s hair isn’t cut short. It’s just too afraid to grow.
1237) This year, the U.S. government is running a $400 Billion deficit. A large contributing factor: overage charges on Jack’s cell phone.
1238) Garbage men leave Jack Bauer’s empty trash cans upright and in their proper location.
1239) You don’t assign Jack Bauer to a case. You turn him loose.
1240) When Jack Bauer masturbates, all women within 3 miles have orgasms.
1241) When Jack approaches a yield sign he doesn’t slow down. Jack yields to no man.
1242) Jack Bauer takes cyanide pills to cure hangovers.
1243) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Jack Bauer once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
1244) Jack Bauer doesn’t pay rent. People pay Jack to live in their buildings.
1245) For Jack Bauer, IKEA puts it together.
1246) Jack Bauer is a vegetarian. Not because he doesn’t like meat, but because he hates vegetables.
1247) People said if there were a black Jack Bauer, his name would be Curtis. Once returning from his imprisonment in China, Jack was quick to show there’s only one Jack Bauer. RIP Curtis, January 15th 2007.
1248) Jack Bauer was going to be the fifth member of the A-Team but he bailed when he saw that gay van.
1249) Jack Bauer
1) verb. the act of performing an act of heroic immensity.
1250) Jack Bauer once won a game of chess against Bobby Fischer. In one move.
1251) If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you and he says he’s not hurting you, then Jack Bauer is not hurting you...yet.
1252) Rambo: First Blood Part II is actually footage of Jack Bauer’s 2nd grade field trip.
1253) Jack Bauer was never taught to use his “indoor voice”.
1254) Jack Bauer can burn ants with a magnifying glass at night.
1255) Jack Bauer is the only man that make Elisha Cuthbert call him daddy.
1256) Jack Bauer lost his virginity before his dad did.
1257) Telemarketers do not call Jack Bauer at dinner time in fear of retaliation.
1258) Jack Bauer took a shit and named it Steven Seagal.
1259) Bauerize (also Bauerise) v. 1. The act destroying someone or something in a dramatic fashion in order to save the country or the world. “The terrorist was Bauerized.”
1260) Jack Bauer can save money on his car insurance without calling Geico.
1261) Godzilla warns Tokyo of Jack’s arrival.
1262) Jack Bauer doesn’t need your recommendation, he can find his own fucking job.
1263) Jack Bauer doesn’t celebrate Christmas, Jesus celebrates the birth of Jack Bauer.
1264) The only reason Jack Bauer didn’t stop 9/11 was that Edgar didn’t open up a port.
1265) Jack Bauer once showed me a video of him having sex with my wife. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
1266) When Jack Bauer has the remote, you’re watching whatever the fuck Jack’s watching.
1267) Hannibal Lecter once had dinner with Jack Bauer. Lecter is now a vegetarian.
1268) The sound of Jack’s voice can triple your testicle size. Just ask Petty Officer Rooney.
1269) If Jack Bauer shoots you with a Nerf gun, you’re dead.
1270) Someone once tried to stab Jack Bauer with a knife. The knife bled to death.
1271) While playing baseball, if someone tried to steal a base, Jack Bauer shot them. Nobody steals from Jack Bauer.
1272) If the Great New York Blackout was on a Monday, 24 would’ve still been on at it’s same time.
1273) When Jack Bauer goes on “It’s A Small World After All” at Disney, he gets extremely angry during the Bosnian, Turk, Mexican, Russian, Chinese, French and Arab sections, but otherwise enjoys the ride.
1274) Mr. T does not pity Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer is no fool.
1275) When Jack Bauer was a major league umpire, the final score was 1,241 - 994. Jack Bauer makes sure everyone is safe.
1276) If Jack on Lost’s last name was Bauer, he would’ve killed “The Others,” the polar bear, and the monster, and he would’ve gotten everyone rescued. However, the show would’ve lasted only one episode.
1277) When Jack Bauer sneezes, Arabs offer their turbans as handkerchiefs.
1278) Jesus Christ doesn’t say “Jesus Christ,” he says “Jack Bauer.”
1279) Jack Bauer cut his own umbilical cord.
1280) Jack Bauer once submitted a fact on this website. He shot anyone who gave him less than a ten.
1281) In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa. He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.
1282) Freddy Krueger can’t sleep because he has nightmares about Jack Bauer.
1283) Every year, atomic clocks are adjusted to Jack Bauer time.
1284) Jack Bauer’s daughter is very hot.
1285) The Spanish Inquisition started when Jack Bauer once asked for directions to a Taco Bell.
1286) Jack Bauer shot the sheriff and the deputy.
1287) Jack Bauer plays golf without golf clubs. He stands over the ball, stares at it, and scares it into the hole.
1288) In addition to their VISION plan, Sprint plans to offer the CTU package, which includes color schematics, 24 volume bars (volume levels 1-23 and CHOPPER), and a self-destruct mode.
1289) When the US invaded Iraq, the government forgot that they had already sent Jack Bauer to take out the weapons of mass destruction.
1290) God invented the male orgasm so Jack Bauer would know when to stop fucking.
1291) Jack Bauer’s Playboy comes with the articles already ripped out.
1292) It’s Jack Bauer’s world, and we just live in it. Until we meet Jack Bauer.
1293) The reason why Jack Bauer hasn’t caught all of America’s Most Wanted...he doesn’t want to take away American jobs.
1294) Jack tortured Paul knowing damn well he wasn’t a terrorist. He just hates the British.
1295) Jack Bauer does not fire bullets. Instead, they fire themselves away from Jack in pure fear of him.
1296) You don’t play with Jack Bauer action figures, they play with you.
1297) Why did Forrest Gump run so fast? Jack Bauer was chasing him.
1298) Jack Bauer is so powerful that he once was able to pull Edgar away from the buffet line.
1299) Watch film of the Berlin Wall coming down. If you look close, through the dust, you’ll see Jack Bauer walking away carrying a sledge hammer.
1300) When Kim Bauer was a little girl, Jack Bauer did not sing her any lullabies. Jack Bauer choked her to sleep.
1301) Jack Bauer’s idea of a vacation is killing 65 terrorists in another country.
1302) Jack Bauer circumcised himself after he began suspecting his foreskin was hiding something from him.
1303) In 1996, Lance Armstrong got in a fight with Jack Bauer. Since then, Lance has only had one testicle...
1304) When Jack Bauer takes a “shot in the dark”, at least 2 women get knocked up.
1305) Jack Bauer’s cell phone ring is not set to ‘vibrate’ on purpose.
Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.
1306) In the last episode of fear factor, the final challenge involved a one on one stare down with Jack Bauer. Joe Rogan is still missing.
1307) Jack Bauer has never met a terrorist he didn’t like. To kill.
1308) Jack Bauer is not required to wash his hands before returning to work. Germs cannot survive in Jack Bauer’s hands.
1309) While Jack Bauer was presumed dead, a random oil field in Southern California produced more oil than any other region in history.
1310) When Jack Bauer said “show me your head” he was actually telling the terrorist to show him his head. The terrorist knew that getting killed by bullet was a much better result than ignoring a command from Jack Bauer.
1311) When Jack Bauer cries in the end of the day, it’s not because he breaks down, it’s just because it’s the end of the day.
1312) CBS is giving Palmer what he always dreamed about: A chance to be Jack Bauer.
1313) Jack Bauer could hit 73 homeruns without using steroids, and he’d do it in 24 hours.
1314) When Bush says that we will find weapons of mass destruction, you know he is lying. If Jack does not want to be found he wont be found.
1315) Regular people open cans of whoop ass. Whoop ass opens cans of Jack Bauer.
1316) Jack Bauer uses pepper spray to re-wet his eyes and get the red out.
1317) Jack Bauer has an Xbox 720.
1318) What an ego. Donald Sutherland claims to be the father of Jack Bauer.
1319) Jack Bauer prompts the “Game Over” message when he enters the Matrix.
1320) The real reason the war is still going on in Iraq is that President Bush has not unleashed Jack Bauer. This is why President Bush is considered a stupid president.
1321) Jack Bauer didn’t need braces. His teeth were too scared to step out of line.
1322) If Jack Bauer wants to watch Brokeback Mountain it doesn’t mean he’s gay. He’s just researching his next two targets.
1323) Jack Bauer didn’t learn anything in school. He already knew.
1324) Jack Bauer can alphabetize M&M’s.
1325) If someone tells you that you “Don’t Know Jack”, you’re better off believing them... because if you really did know Jack, he’d probably kill you.
1326) Jack Bauer is old fashioned. He doesn’t kiss a girl until her third kidnapping.
1327) Jack Bauer regularly rips the tags off of mattresses.
1328) Jack Bauer throws away the pin instead of the grenade for fun.
1329) When Jack Bauer goes to an all-inclusive resort, he goes to Afghanistan for “All you can kill terrorists.”
1330) Jack Bauer kills more people per day than cancer.
1331) Wearing no shoes and no shirt, Jack Bauer receives service.
1332) Jack Bauer would win American Idol by literally blowing away the competition with every round.
1333) Jack Bauer knows entire value of ‘pi’.
1334) The reason Tony went to prison for treason and Jack didn’t is because all of Jack’s actions are covered as an act of God.
1335) The coyote hired Jack Bauer to catch the road runner. Jack Bauer ate them both.
1336) Now Curtis knows what happens when you ask Jack Bauer personal questions.
1337) In season 2, Jack told Kim to shoot Gary in the chest. He still hasn’t forgiven himself for not being there to see her first kill.
1338) was moved to Monday because Jack Bauer doesn’t wait on anyone to start killing people.
1339) Jack Bauer could easily stop terrorists from the minute he gets the call. He just decides to give them 24 hours from the goodness of his heart.
1340) In late August of 2005, Jack heard of a terrorist cell operating out of New Orleans. He took care of it.
1341) When Jack Bauer pops a pringles can open, he can stop the fun.
1342) When cans of whoop-ass get angry, they open a can of Jack Bauer.
1343) At God’s wedding, Jack Bauer was the best man.
1344) When Martin Luther King had a dream, that dream was Jack Bauer.
1345) When she was 5, Kim Bauer was stung by a bee. Jack Bauer spent the next 24 hours tracking down the bee and infiltrating the hive. After stuffing a towel down the throat of the perpetrator, he shot up the entire hive and murdered the queen.
This scene was later recreated during Season One of 24. The bee was played by Dennis Hopper.
1346) Jack Bauer never participated in high school sports. He doesn’t like any game that’s not to the death.
1347) Ambulances carrying patients pull over for Jack Bauer.
1348) At age 3, Jack Bauer tortured his mother and father until they revealed the location of the hidden cookie jar.
1349) Bulletproof vests are made out of Jack Bauer’s skin. They just call it Teflon to fool terrorists into thinking they actually have a chance.
1350) Now we know it’s a fact that Jack Bauer eats terrorists for breakfast.
1351) Jesus wasn’t crucified by the Romans. He had information that Jack Bauer needed.
1352) If a toy company made a Jack Bauer teddy bear, his fur would be made of brillo pads. Jack Bauer is never soft and cuddly.
1353) Don’t lie to Jack Bauer that you have a headache on date night. He’s gonna fuck you anyway.
1354) As George Mason said, where ever Jack Bauer goes there is a body count.
1355) Jack Bauer made the sun change direction because it was in his eyes.
1356) [This fact censored by Jack Bauer]
1357) Jesus did not die for our sins. He refused to divulge information to Jack Bauer.
1358) Thomas Jefferson once said, “An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens”. He never met Jack Bauer.
1359) Jack Bauer actually found two identical snowflakes.
1360) Jack Bauer once grew a beard to rival that of Chuck Norris. In the only episode of 24 where Jack has that beard, he shot a man through his heart and cut his head off. He then shaved that beard to show up Chuck. What has your beard done lately, Norris?
1361) Jack Bauer kills a an average of one person an hour. Including that in any algebraic equation suddenly makes math a hell of a lot more interesting.
1362) The Japanese surrendered during World War II because it was rumored that President Truman would give Jack Bauer 48 hours to complete the downfall of Japan.
1363) Jack Bauer could get Urkel and Skreech laid.
1364) If you find out Jack Bauer is after you, do everything you can to enjoy your last 24 hours.
1365) Clint Eastwood knows Jack Bauer is always feeling lucky.
1366) You know Jesus is really mad at you when he says “Jack Damnit!”
1367) Jack Bauer doesn’t read the news... he beats it out of reporters.
1368) Jack Bauer got the world’s highest Pac-Man score. Unfortunately he couldn’t enter his initials, it would have blown his cover.
1369) Jack Bauer went on Fear Factor and made the host eat his own heart.
1370) Jack Bauer can teach an old dog new tricks, like how to kill terrorists.
1371) There are a few phrases that Jack Bauer can utter to you that mean death. They are “You have to trust me” and “You are the only one who can do this.” While death isn’t instant, it is inevitable.
1372) Jack Bauer can smell carbon monoxide.
1373) Jack Bauer only needs one page to solve the Da Vinci Code, not 454.
1374) If you want to get shot in the thigh, tell Jack “I don’t know,” when he asks you a question.
1375) Jack Bauer don’t need no fucking easy button.
1376) Jack Bauer got a 2400 on the SAT’s. The old SAT’s.
1377) Arnold Schwarzenegger does Jack Bauer impressions at parties.
1378) Soap needs Jack Bauer to kill germs.
1379) Jack Bauer once tortured his g/f until she gave up the location of her g-spot.
1380) Jack Bauer was the only cast member of 24 who didn’t get invited to Sony’s 24: The Game premier party. Sony was afraid their insurance would not be able to cover the deaths of all the other game players.
1381) Jack Bauer doesn’t need AllState. AllState needs Jack Bauer. They’re in good hands.
1382) Jack Bauer was once asked why he faked his own death, instead of making a stand against the Chinese. Jack replied, “Because I can’t fit 1.6 million bullets in my CTU vehicle.” He then tortured and shot the man to prove his point.
1383) Jack Bauer fears one thing and one thing only: Unprotected Sex. Why? Two words, “Kim Bauer”.
1384) Freddy and Jason disappointed millions of fans when their fight ended up in a tie. Little do these fans know, the winner was supposed to face Jack Bauer.
1385) In order to call the show 24, they have to film Jack Bauer in slow motion.
1386) At age 7, Jack Bauer grew tired of urinating. After several hours of torture, Jack’s bladder decided that it would be best to never be heard from again.
1387) Jack Bauer once ran out of bullets while trapped in a terrorist camp. He cut off his own toes and loaded them in a clip. Ten shots, ten kills.
1388) Jack Bauer can steal a helicopter in the time it takes you to get dressed in the morning.
1389) To prove it wasn’t a big deal that Tom Hanks survived 4 years on a deserted island almost completely naked with only a spear and a volleyball, Jack Bauer did the same thing on Antarctica. Without the spear or the volleyball.
1390) Jack Bauer once burned an Ashlee Simpson CD. He didn’t copy it, he just lit that shit on fire.
1391) Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris look like he belongs hosting The View.
1392) Jack Bauer doesn’t own a watch, because there’s never any time.
1393) Jack Bauer can make a dyslexic kid win a spelling bee.
1394) If Jack Bauer orders his team to “Stand down” don’t be fooled; he just wants to get credit for the kill.
1395) Jack Bauer won’t let you stop reading these.
1396) A Zen student once asked his master: “Does Jack Bauer seek enlightenment?” To which the Zen master replied “No, enlightenment seeks Jack Bauer.” At that moment, the student became enlightened.
1397) Jack Bauer’s i-Pod does not have songs on it, instead only the screams of fallen enemies.
1398) How does Federal Agent Jack Bauer eat a Reese’s peanut butter cup? First he shoots it, checks for a pulse, interrogates it, and then he eats it.
1399) Jack Bauer has a another daughter called Rambo.
1400) Being Jack Bauer’s caddy is the worst job in the world. He constantly has a gun to your head demanding to know where his ball is.
1401) Paul saved Jack Bauer’s life. In turn Jack let Paul die because nobody saves Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer.
1402) 24‘s Director no longer yells “Cut!” after scenes... it was just getting too bloody.
1403) Jack Bauer tortured Colonel Sanders into revealing his secret blend of 11 herbs and spices.
1404) When Jack Bauer calls Time Warner Cable he puts them on hold.
1405) Right before he suffocated, Abu Fayed realized the irony, that, if he hadn’t brought back Jack Bauer, all his plans would have succeeded.
1406) Jack Bauer doesn’t use roundup to kill the weeds in his yard, he uses a gun.
1407) Jack Bauer knows where Atlantis is, because he sunk it.
1408) Jack Bauer won his third grade spelling bee. He spelt whatever the hell he wanted.