1409) In season 5, Jack Bauer actually gave the terrorists the right code for the nerve gas, it was just too scared to go off in his presence.
1410) When asked what to do about the water around New Orleans, Jack said, “Damn it”.
1411) When he retires, Jack Bauer will make a killing selling grills that torture the fat out of meat.
1412) Jack Bauer made the Mona Lisa blink first.
1413) Someone once asked Jack Bauer if he had a case of the Mondays. What ensued was one of the most heinous beatings in recorded history.
1414) Jack Bauer has single handedly tortured more people than Britney Spears has with the aid of mass media and multinational record companies.
1415) If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were the main characters in Brokeback Mountain, Chuck Norris would be the catcher and subsequently would never walk again.
1416) There were two unicorns on the ark, but Jack Bauer killed them because “unicorns are gay.”
1417) When Jack Bauer plays Texas Hold-em he only gets one card, “to keep it fair”.
1418) Jack Bauer doesn’t need “Tivo”, televisions skip commercials for him regardless.
1419) Jack Bauer killed the bartender for giving him a drink when he asked for a screwdriver.
1420) Jack Bauer doesn’t have a 6-pack; he has a 24-pack, because that’s how real men roll.
1421) Jack Bauer doesn’t like sports because everybody lives.
1422) Jack Bauer had his name legally changed to avoid attention. His given name: Fear Itself.
1423) If you ever wonder what to do in life, ask What Would Jack Bauer Do, because that sure as hell will get things done faster than what Jesus would do.
1424) When asked why, he always answers, “because I’m Jack Bauer.”
1425) When Jack Bauer graduated UCLA, UCLA got a degree in Criminology and Law.
1426) To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.
1427) When someone on the airplane yelled “Hi Jack,” Jack Bauer immediately mistook the statement for a terrorist attempting to take over the plane, and he killed him. Lesson: Don’t talk to Jack Bauer. He acts first and talks later.
1428) Jack Bauer has to throw his clothes out at the end of the day, anything he wears for longer gets too attached to him.
1429) Peanut butter doesn’t stick to the roof of Jack Bauer’s mouth. It wouldn’t dare.
1430) When Jack Bauer goes to Baskin Robbins, he chooses from any flavor he wants. No one limits Jack Bauer.
1431) When Jack Bauer realized he had the same initials as James Bond and Jason Bourne, he killed both of those punks using a water pistol.
1432) Jack Bauer is the Best Man. Who said anything about a wedding?
1433) Jack Bauer once got his order screwed up in the drivethru. Once.
1434) God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God.
1435) Jack nearly suffocated his own brother for the good of the country. How patriotic are you?
1436) Jack Bauer once struck someone out on two pitches.
1437) A country song about Jack Bauer would still kick ass.
1438) Jack Bauer doesn’t diffuse bombs. He calls it a “Son of a Bitch” and scares the bomb shitless.
1439) Jack Bauer knows every bone in the human body... because he’s broken every one.
1440) Jack Bauer can neutralize any hostile situation by getting captured.
1441) When Jack Bauer crosses the street and cars don’t stop, Jack Bauer doesn’t get run down; the cars get stood up.
1442) Jack Bauer doesn’t tea bag girls, Jack Bauer potato sacks girls.
1443) Jack Bauer’s first words were, “You’ve read my file and you know what I’m capable of!”, while holding a rattle to his mothers eye. She wouldn’t tell him where cookies were.
1444) Jack Bauer can make all sides of a Rubix Cube the same color.
1445) If God was one of us, He would be Jack Bauer.
1446) Sprint cellphone sales skyrocketed after Jack Bauer showed people how to use them to blow up terrorists.
1447) Jack Bauer and his wife were using 10 forms of birth control, and he still got her pregnant.
1448) When Jack Bauer says jump, you don’t have time to ask how high.
1449) Jack Bauer uses a 9mm to stir his coffee in the morning.
1450) Cops give red lights tickets for getting in Jack Bauer’s way.
1451) If you see Jack Bauer’s eyes closed he isn’t sleeping, he is just figuring out new ways to thrash terrorists in complete darkness. Jack does not need sleep you fool.
1452) Jack Bauer can break eleven fingers at once, good thing you only have ten.
1453) Few people know this, but the Geneva Conventions pertain only to “any and all people who are not Jack Bauer.”
1454) Jack Bauer doesn’t re-wear clothing. It’s too hard to get the bloodstains out.
1455) Jack Bauer doesn’t get shot. He moves in front of bullets when he has an itch.
1456) Jack Bauer didn’t need to go back to the future to fix his mistakes. Jack Bauer doesn’t make mistakes.
1457) If Jack Bauer tells you you have ten minutes to live, you have one minute to live.
1458) When Jack Bauer was finished interrogating Chuck Norris, Chuck was pregnant.
1459) Jack Bauer can find the square root of -1.
1460) Jack’s wife once started to smoke, so he had to slow down.
1461) At Thanksgiving, Jack Bauer doesn’t break the wishbone. He just interrogates it until it cracks.
1462) Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits... Jack Bauer does not have the luxury to sleep or wait, because your life depends on it.
1463) If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
1464) The American dream is Jack Bauer.
1465) The only reason Jack Bauer didn’t enter and win every men’s event at the Winter Olympics is that there aren’t enough terrorists in Italy to keep him occupied between events. Oh, and he thinks figure skating is gay.
1466) Jack Bauer’s morning wood is strong enough to support a building.
1467) The only reason Panic! At the Disco gave themselves that name was beacuse Jack Bauer showed up at their disco.
1468) Jack Bauer can kill people with his mind, he just enjoys shooting them instead.
1469) Jack Bauer won the US Fencing Championship using a sewing needle.
1470) The FAA didn’t put stronger locks on the cockpit doors, they just put a picture of Jack Bauer.
1471) Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.
1472) Jack Bauer once made a woman orgasm by looking at her. He then killed her to prevent the terrorist’s from overhearing her screams.
1473) Jack Bauer jumped in bed with a girl named Katrina… sorry New Orleans.
1474) The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer’s face popping out of the box.
1475) On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
1476) Jack Bauer’s buddylist contains the name and location of every known terrorist, but rather than getting online, he likes to figure it out on his own.
1477) Jack Bauer doesn’t punch you in the chest. He punches you in the fucking heart.
1478) Jack Bauer is God’s way of saying, “Fuck off Darwin.”
1479) When Jack Bauer has no other option, he tortures someone. He has yet to have a second option.
1480) Jack Bauer only has one line to say to a woman after spending the night, “There’s no time, I have to go.”
1481) If Jack Bauer wakes up in a cold sweat, get the fuck out of the room.
1482) At the end of season 3, many believe Jack Bauer is crying tears of remorse because he shot Ryan Chappelle, murdering a friend. The truth of the matter is that Jack is crying tears of joy because he has just lived the American Dream, killing his boss.
1483) Jack Bauer has served more terrorists than McDonalds has customers.
1484) When Jack Bauer proposed to his girlfriend, she said she wanted to keep her last name. Jack responded, “Is your last name ‘deathwish’?”
1485) Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires. The thing is, he doesn’t bother.
1486) Jack Bauer is disqualified from ever appearing on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” because he can answer all the questions without using a lifeline. Jack Bauer IS the lifeline.
1487) JB is the most dangerous element on the periodic table of elements.
1488) During a 4th grade spelling test, Jack Bauer simply wrote his name for every answer. Naturally, he got an A+.
1489) Derek Zoolander once told Jack Bauer he was going to show him “Magnum”. Jack misunderstood. There hasn’t been a Zoolander 2.
1490) When Jack Bauer had a heart attack, he fought back by shooting his heart.
1491) The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was “no time” for more than twenty-six.
1492) Jack Bauer types in ALL CAPS just so you know he’s yelling.
1493) Jack Bauer would eat Mike Tyson’s children.
1494) Jack Bauer did not get hit by a car. The car got hit by Jack Bauer.
1495) Tony the Tiger eats Jack Bauer flakes.
1496) In the directors cut of Titanic when Rose says “I’ll never let go Jack”, she then pulls Leonardo DiCaprio’s hand off hers and lets him drown, rolls over and has sex with Jack Bauer. Poor Leo thought she meant him.
1497) Jack Bauer’s interpretation of the meaning of life is simple. End it.
1498) Remember Pogs? Yeah, Jack Bauer doesn’t because he never had faggot toys like that.
1499) students got perfect scores on their SAT. Also, there are exactly 876 people in the country named Jack Bauer. Coincidence or not? You decide.
1500) For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer doesn’t give you a candies shaped like a heart, He gives you your Ex’s heart.
1501) Jack Bauer doesn’t need Viagra. He chooses to ejaculate quickly simply because there’s not enough time.
1502) Jack Bauer doesn’t need to say goodbye when he hangs up. Everyone knows when he’s finished talking.
1503) If you can see Jack Bauer, he can see you. If you can’t see Jack Bauer you may be only seconds away from death.
1504) It is Jack Bauer who sees you when you’re sleeping, and it is Jack Bauer who knows when you’re awake. “Santa Claus” is just a stupid codename, and Jack Bauer killed the guy who assigned it to him.
1505) Black people shut up when Jack Bauer walks into the movie theater.
1506) When 24: The Game is released, thousands of terrorists will buy it just to learn Jack Bauer’s weaknesses. Fortunately for Jack, he is always invincible. They wanted to make the game life-like.
1507) If you play poker with Jack Bauer, do not bluff. He will find out what you’re holding.
1508) Sudoku puzzles solve themselves when they see Jack Bauer coming.
1509) Jack Bauer eats Hotpockets as soon as they’re done.
1510) Edgar styles once gave Jack Bauer the wrong coordinates. Jack Bauer slapped him so hard he now has a lisp. Edgar Styles never gives the wrong coordinates anymore.
1511) We once had a bachelor party for Bauer. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
1512) Worst Career Move: Congratulations. You’ve been assigned to CTU. Jack Bauer will be reporting to you.
1513) Every time a suspect with vital information gets shot right before Jack Bauer starts to interrogate them, they think to themselves, “Thank you God for letting me die before Jack got to me!”
1514) Jack Bauer let the dogs out.
1515) USC’s football team hasn’t lost a home game since Jack Bauer killed a team of terrorists at the L.A. Coliseum. This has nothing to do with USC’s football team; visiting teams are just afraid that Jack Bauer is still there.
1516) Jack Bauer is the reason the Homeland Security rating was lowered from red, back down to yellow. It would have been green, however it still is very dangerous being around Jack Bauer.
1517) If Jack Bauer was a mortal human being, his name would be Tony Almeida.
1518) Jack Bauer did not invent the term “bad ass.” He just tortured the guy who did till he gave him the copyright.
1519) Jack Bauer drinks Bacardi 151. As a mixer.
1520) On the first day, Jack Bauer saved his family. On the second day, Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. On the third day, Jack Bauer saved United States. On the fourth day, Jack Bauer saved the world. You won’t believe what Jack Bauer will save by the end of the week.
1521) Jack Bauer’s penis is actually a Verizon Wireless cell phone tower, so it’s perfectly logical that he gets service 30,000 feet in the air inside the hull of a jet.
1522) Someone told Jack Bauer to “kill the lights.” I feel sorry for those light bulbs.
1523) Bob Marley was not lying, he did not shoot the deputy, Jack Bauer did.
1524) The real reason women love Jack Bauer: He can find the Clitoris. Always.
1525) Jack Bauer has the schematics of heaven on his PDA.
1526) If Jack Bauer was in the Garden of Eden, there would be no women -- not even God can get close enough to take Jack Bauer’s rib.
1527) Only Jack Bauer’s sperm could create something so hot as Elisha Cuthbert.
1528) After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask, “Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me.”
1529) On April 15, the IRS pays taxes to Jack Bauer.
1530) “Yeah” means “hello”, “goodbye”, “what’s going on?”, and “haha” in Jack’s vocabulary.
1531) Jack Bauer. When you absolutely, positively need to kill every motherfucking terrorist in the city. Accept no substitute.
1532) Jack Bauer can eat a bag of Doritos and not get cheese on his fingers.
1533) Jack Bauer really did kill Victor Drazin the first time, but he brought him back to life so he could do it again.
1534) You’ve heard of one man bands. Jack Bauer is a one man orchestra.
1535) Jack Bauer could get Ashlee Simpson to sing.
1536) If you Google “Jack Bauer” using the I’m Feeling Lucky option, you’ll be taken directly to God’s email.
1537) The law is not above Jack Bauer. Not even the Laws of Physics.
1538) The original line in “Gladiator” was “Unleash Jack Bauer,” but Ridley Scott decided that audiences could not handle that kind of mayhem, so they toned it down to “Unleash Hell.”
1539) Jack Bauer doesn’t own a working watch, he only has a timer that is set on 15 minute intervals. Thus, he always assumes he is running out of time.
1540) Ford wanted to make the Jack Bauer edition of the Explorer, but the government wouldn’t let them mount the machine gun on the hood, so they settled for Eddie Bauer.
1541) Jack Bauer thinks protocol means “To kill”. Now it does.
1542) Jack Bauer doesn’t need to sleep. He punches people unconscious and they sleep for him.
1543) Jack Bauer rolled a 13 playing craps in Vegas.
1544) Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.
1545) When Jack Bauer walks into an airport, the security guards remove their shoes and walk through the metal detectors.
1546) Jack Bauer hates to be addressed as “Mister”. He prefers “Dammit”.
1547) John McCain says torture doesn’t work. Jack Bauer tortured him until he said that.
1548) Where the Happy Meal at McDonalds comes with a toy, the Jack Bauer Meal comes with a dead terrorist.
1549) Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Before his leg made it half way to Jack’s face it was gunned off and Jack was already on his way to castrate Vin Diesel.
1550) If you tell Jack Bauer you have good news, he will kill you. Jack Bauer don’t need no fucking car insurance.
1551) Why did 9/11 happen? Because Jack Bauer was on his day off.
1552) Jack Bauer was removed from Counter-strike by Valve because the counter-terrorists always won. Always.
1553) Jack Bauer makes yellow traffic lights turn green.
1554) When Jack Bauer makes popcorn, he gets no unpopped kernels. The kernels are afraid of what Jack might do to them if they don’t pop.
1555) If Jack Bauer was in Final Destination, Death would try to cheat him.
1556) Jack Bauer thinks life’s a game. And games are best played in God Mode.
1557) No one brings Jack Bauer to justice. If he goes in a car with authorities, it is because he wanted them to drive him to that location.
1558) Jack Bauer took ‘Hit me baby one more time’ as an invitation. 9 months later, Britney had a baby.
1559) Jack Bauer’s cock has been cast to play the snake in Anaconda 3.
1560) Jack Bauer is the sole reason there are no more dinosaurs.
1561) Jack Bauer can swim 20 minutes after he eats.
1562) Jack Bauer doesn’t just beat addiction, he shoots it with a gun.
1563) Losing a colleague or loved one for Jack Bauer is comparable to the feeling of missing the elevator for most people.
1564) If Jack Bauer wants his bullets to kill Superman, his bullets will kill Superman.
1565) Jack Bauer didn’t do drugs to stay undercover, he did drugs to fund terrorism. Jack Bauer is running out of terrorist asses to kick.
1566) The United States outsources torture to Jack Bauer.
1567) The reason Edgar Stiles has such a bad lisp is because Jack Bauer socked him the face after saying Chuck Norris was cool.
1568) If you look closely at the scene of King Kong climbing up the Empire State Building, you can see Jack Bauer holding a gun to his back.
1569) Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
1570) Jack Bauer always speaks in a whisper because his normal voice will make mortal men’s heads explode.
1571) Jack Bauer is not the second coming of Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ was the first coming of Jack Bauer.
1572) When Jack Bauer smokes pot, the pot gets high.
1573) To prevent a September 11th-esque attack, large buildings are now draping large banners depicting Jack Bauer fucking up terrorists over their sides.
1574) If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it’s in English, thank Jack Bauer... for not killing your teacher.
1575) With Jack Bauer coaching them, the Special Olympics soccer team could win the World Cup.
1576) The only reason Martha Logan could bring herself to having sex with President Logan was by pretending that he was Jack Bauer. However, the fantasy wasn’t fulfilled when President Logan lasted 40 seconds.
1577) If Jack Bauer is in love with you, and you’re married, be prepared to bury your spouse in the name of National Security.
1578) The chief export of Jack Bauer is pain.
1579) Jack Bauer was almost infected with the AIDS virus. Instead, he gave AIDS Ebola.
1580) On the sixth day, God said “Let there be no Jack Bauer.” On the seventh day, God was tortured.
1581) Jack refuses to play the lottery. It just wouldn’t be fair to the millions of other players.
1582) Jack Bauer has no hope. Hope infers the possibility of failure.
1583) Whenever Jack Bauer yells “we’re running out of time”, it really means you’re running out of time and it’s your ass.
1584) Jack Bauer’s pair of twos beats a royal flush.
1585) When Jack Bauer played the Wacky Gopher game as a kid the gopher’s would never come out of their holes.
1586) Whenever your electricity goes off its not because there has been a power cut, its because Jack Bauer is torturing someone.
1587) The Bird Flu almost made it to the United States. Luckily Jack Bauer was there to shoot and kill it.
1588) When Jack Bauer eats Taco Bell, he feels fine and the entire country of Mexico has violent diarrhea.
1589) Every guy that dates Jack’s daughter Kim looses a limb. Coincidence? I think not.
1590) When he was in college, Jack Bauer once did a kegstand for 24 hours.
1591) Jack Bauer doesn’t think the Amazing Race is so amazing. He done that 4 times already. In 24 hours.
1592) The US currency was going to read, “In Jack Bauer We Trust,” but the government demanded a separation between church and state.
1593) In 2003, the suicide rate for dentists reached 45.9%, an all time high. That’s because in 2003, Jack Bauer had a cavity.
1594) When Jack Bauer falls off the horse, he shoots it for not being cooperative.
1595) When Jack Bauer had his first wet dream, he nearly drowned.
1596) Jack Bauer calls Chuck Norris Charlie.
1597) Jack Bauer entered a building swarming with 167 agents, all of them with protocol to treat him as a hostile. Jack outnumbered them again.
1598) Jack has never lost a staring match. If you attempt you enter a staring contest with Jack, its 99% likely you will be shot within 60 seconds.
1599) It doesn’t take any licks for Jack Bauer to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Jack Bauer simply shoots the shell off.
1600) Jack Bauer never gets sick because his immune system is almost as deadly as he is.
1601) Jack Bauer hits Grand Slams with no one on base.
1602) out of 10 dentists DO NOT recommend Jack Bauer.
1603) If your power goes out, it’s because Jack Bauer took it.
1604) Its no coincidence that Jack Bauer rhymes with power.
1605) Season 5 of 24 will end on hour twenty-three. Hour twenty-four will be devoted to Jack Bauer torturing Henderson to death.
1606) How do black boxes survive plane crashes? Because Jack Bauer holds it in his lap.
1607) When Jack Bauer whispers something in Lil Jon’s ear, he does not say “WHAT?!”
1608) Jack Bauer once killed a coworker who had skin cancer. Jack Bauer hates moles.
1609) If you’re contemplating suicide, instead of shooting yourself, fuck with Tony Almaeda and let Jack Bauer solve your problems.
1610) Jack Bauer ate Hannibal Lector.
1611) Jack Bauer Syndrome isn’t an illness, it’s a cause of death.
1612) If Jack Bauer captured Bush’s helicopter and tortured him for information, it would be a lost cause. Bush doesn’t know shit.
1613) There is no such thing as Weapons of Mass Destruction. There is only Weapons of Jack Bauer.
1614) Just because Jack Bauer shows up with jumper cables, that doesn’t mean someone called Triple A.
1615) Jack Bauer does not have to look both ways when he crosses the street.
1616) So far, Jack Bauer has said some variant of “Trust Me” 485,942 times during his televised adventures.
1617) Snapple is a fucking liar. Jack Bauer is the only thing made from the best stuff on Earth.
1618) Jack Bauer hates casual conversation. He prefers bullets.
1619) If you wouldn’t go gay for Jack then you are not straight.
1620) A watched pot doesn’t boil unless Jack Bauer is doing the watching.
1621) If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.
1622) Jack Bauer stole the cookie from the cookie jar. And then he shot you for asking him about it.
1623) Sometimes Jack Bauer uses blanks because he likes to see terrorists squirm. This is his idea of entertainment.
1624) Jack Bauer has never taken a shit that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds. Due to the graphic nature of these shits, however, they are taken during commercial breaks.
1625) When you feel like someone’s watching you, it’s Jack Bauer about to break your neck.
1626) Jack Bauer is better at killing terrorists than suicide bombers.
1627) In Mike Tyson’s Punchout, if you beat Mike Tyson in under two minutes...you fight Jack Bauer.
1628) Jack Bauer could lead the Detroit Lions to the Super Bowl.
1629) Jack Bauer has never had to use the Backspace button on his computer.
1630) Jack Bauer once told God he needed access, the event has since been referred to as “The Big Bang.”
1631) The easy button is simply a metaphor for sending Jack Bauer to eliminate a terrorist threat.
1632) Why do they call it Jacking off? Because Jack Bauer only needs his hand to blow anything up.
1633) Jack Bauer once killed a room full of people because nobody blessed him when he sneezed.
1634) Anytime, anywhere, anyone shoots someone in the thigh, they have to pay a royalty to Jack Bauer.
1635) What most people call S and M Jack Bauer calls first base.
1636) If Jack Bauer had a nickel for every time he killed a terrorist, he would own the U.S.
1637) Jack Bauer uses those he has killed as tax write offs.
1638) Michael J. Fox doesn’t have Parkinsons. He’s shaking cause he met Jack Bauer.
1639) Every time Jack Bauer cries, an angel loses its wings. And implodes.
1640) If Jack Bauer were a burger at McDonald’s, he would be called the McDeath.
1641) Jack Bauer once ate Froot Loops and was told to follow his nose. He ended up finding 40 terrorists in an abandoned warehouse.
1642) Jack Bauer would have nailed Lana Lang in the first episode.
1643) Jack Bauer knows who number 2 works for.
1644) Jack Bauer has killed more people than Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. And he did it in 24 hours.
1645) Jack Bauer knows what is in secret sauce.
1646) Jack Bauer doesn’t kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.
1647) In a fight against Vin Diesel, Jack Bauer would win with 23 hours & 59 minutes to spare.
1648) The only reason CSI exists in Las Vegas is because Jack Bauer lives in Los Angeles.
1649) Jack Bauer does not need SCUBA gear. If he runs out of air, he uses anger.
1650) Edgar Stiles had sex with seven different women last night by simply invoking Jack Bauer’s name.
1651) On slow days at CTU, Jack Bauer will release 15 velociraptors throughout the entire building. This is to keep everyone at peak alertness, and keeps Jack Bauer challenged when there are no terrorists to thwart. Where does Bauer get velociraptors? Ask again, and Jack Bauer will gun down your family.
1652) Since Jack Bauer and Kobe Bryant live in Los Angeles, they commonly switch jobs. What else could explain “Kobe” scoring 81 points.
1653) Jack Bauer taught the Russians how to play “Russian Roulette”.
1654) The Price Is ALWAYS Right for Jack Bauer.
1655) Jack Bauer can get a McRib any time he wants. That “For a limited time” bullshit doesn’t apply to him.
1656) Two heads are better then one, unless that one head is Jack Bauer’s head.
1657) Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile.
1658) ESPN rated Kobe Bryant for Vlade Divac as the second worst trade in history, after Jack Bauer for Behrooz Araz.
1659) It can be assumed that while reading these facts Jack Bauer has fucked your wife and probably stolen your horse.
1660) Superman sees his reflection in kryptonite and sees he isn’t Jack Bauer, hence the weakness.
1661) The author of A Million Little Piece’s was ironically found in a million little pieces last week. Jack Bauer hates liars.
1662) Jack Bauer is uncircumcised. Baby Jack stabbed the doctor in the neck for daring to come near his penis.
1663) Jack Bauer invented a time machine for a seventh grade science fair. Why the hell else do you think dinosaurs are extinct.
1664) Eric Cartman respects Jack Bauer’s AUTHORI-TAH.
1665) Jack Bauer hates the player. He loves the game.
1666) Jack played kickball once when he was a little boy. Now, somewhere, there is a man with “Spalding” imprinted on his face.
1667) Jack Bauer once saved 18 babies from a burning building. Upon seeing that he had time to spare, Bauer threw 8 of the babies back in, poured fuel on them and waited 12 minutes before re-entering the building and saving the remaining babies just in time.
1668) Jack Bauer never has to preheat the oven.
1669) Jack Bauer can checkmate without moving his pawns.
1670) Jack Bauer is the reason death rate in LA is so high.
1671) Don’t challenge Jack Bauer in a eye starring contest, he has not yet blinked once in his life.
1672) Eddie Bauer recently tried to change his company’s name to Jack Bauer. His head was found in a duffel bag 2 days later.
1673) The Swiss Army Knife MacGuyver uses was a present from Jack Bauer.
1674) A majority of American disapprove of the U.S. torturing terror suspects... only because Jack Bauer isn’t doing the torturing.
1675) If Jack Bauer were gay, more women would get sex changes.
1676) While Jack Bauer does care about the Earth, he has to drive around in an SUV because it’s the only thing with enough cargo room for all the bodies.
1677) Jack Bauer fakes orgasms, nothing excites him more than killing.
1678) Many find it hypocritical that the United States is looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction in other countries while we ourselves have a Weapons of Mass Destruction named Jack Bauer.
1679) Jack Bauer will never need a concealed carry permit, his gun is never concealed.
1680) Jack Bauer can only get drunk from a combination of rattlesnake venom and hot sauce. And he’s sober again in six minutes.
1681) Jack Bauer gave a new meaning to the expression “break a leg” because he does it to several people every day.
1682) Jack Bauer can make Minute Rice in less than a minute.
1683) I once played paintball with Jack Bauer. I don’t play it anymore.
1684) Jack Bauer doesn’t put the toilet seat down.
1685) Killing is Jack Bauer’s anti-drug.
1686) If Jack Bauer were to run for President, he would be the nomination for both parties and win with 100% of the votes.
1687) Sleeping with Jack Bauer has been listed as an STD by the CDC. The risks include death and death to those closest to you.
1688) Jack Bauer doesn’t care about Kanye West.
1689) Jack Bauer went to an asian massage parlor. When the girl tried to give him a happy ending he shot her in the face because no one tries to rub out Jack Bauer.
1690) Jack Bauer loves to break hearts, literally and metaphorically.
1691) Jack Bauer is the only one who knows the true location of Homer Simpson’s Springfield.
1692) At the end of his life, Jack Bauer will have died a minimum of three times.
1693) The CEO of American Express never leaves home without Jack Bauer.
1694) Jack Bauer can be seen from outer space.
1695) Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to defeat a terrorist plot. This event was never aired because the entire test audience developed post traumatic stress disorder.
1696) Remember those times when there were two sets of footprints in the sand? That was when Jack Bauer didn’t feel like carrying you.
1697) Jack Bauer can escape the friendzone.
1698) Jack Bauer once coached his daughter Kim’s little league team to the championship game. To motivate the team at the beginning of the game, he was very intense and repeatedly shouted “What is your primary objective?!”
1699) If Jack Bauer knows your name (and he does), just hope that he never thinks it is important. Ever.
1700) Jack Bauer is the only person Tony Soprano would never dream of okaying a hit on.
1701) If Jack Bauer had been the mastermind behind the robbery in “Ocean’s Eleven”, it wouldn’t have been much of a movie, because all he would have had to do would be to walk into the Bellagio and say “My name is Jack Bauer. Give me 163 million dollars. NOW!” End of story.
1702) The reason the girls from Girls Gone Wild flash the camera so much is because the camera always has a picture of Jack Bauer taped to it.
1703) Only Jack Bauer knows what’s going to happen at the end of Day 5. In order to keep it a secret, he killed Keifer Sutherland.
1704) After being tortured, castrated, and delimbed, Jack Bauer’s only response was, “Dammit.”
1705) When Jack Bauer shouts “Dammit!”, the world momentarily stops turning.
1706) Jack Bauer has put Terrorists and the Chinese on the endangered species list by his fifth day of work.
1707) When Jack Bauer was a contestant on “The Apprentice”, he fired Donald Trump from his own show.
1708) /11’s are open 24 hours a day just in case Jack Bauer stops by for a microwave burrito.
1709) The greatest trick Jack Bauer ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.
1710) Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
1711) Producers wanted to include a Jack Bauer sex scene, but couldn’t. The reason? Jack Bauer getting sexual satisfaction takes far longer than a 24 hour season.
1712) Although no one can make Ashlee Simpson actually sing, Jack Bauer can make her talk.
1713) Jack Bauer is the American Idol.
1714) ‘Flank 2’ actually means, “Stand down CTU, I’ve got this under control.”
1715) Jack Bauer got an upgrade to first class even though the airplane did not have a first class section.
1716) President Logan is wrong. Jack Bauer disappearing will not be for the good of this country. Jack Bauer is the good of the country.
1717) Jack Bauer can ride shotgun in the driver’s seat.
1718) Jack Bauer is so cool, everybody forgets he is Canadian.
1719) When Jack Bauer propositions a girl, “no” means “yes” and “yes” means “harder.” Actually, no girl has ever said “no.”
1720) Everybody wants to be like Mike, Michael Jordan wants to be like Jack Bauer.
1721) For most people, a red light means stop. To Jack Bauer, it means go faster.
1722) When Jack Bauer plays Mortal Kombat, every move is a fatality. And Friendships don’t exist.
1723) Jack Bauer broke into a nunnery, and impregnated 52 nuns. As a result, the 1972 Miami Dolphins were created. The only team in NFL history to obtain an undefeated season.
1724) Jack Bauer could hijack a plane with a rubber ducky.
1725) The Drill Sergeant speech in “Full Metal Jacket,” was actually based on Jack Bauer’s first communion poetry reading.
1726) Nike pays royalty fees to Jack Bauer every time they use their slogan, “Just do it.”
1727) The only way Ford will make a comeback - Come out with the Jack Bauer edition Explorer.
1728) Jack Bauer was once with a woman who faked an orgasm. He had no choice but to torture her into admitting her lie.
1729) Jack Bauer was once challenged to a fight by the flagpole when he was in elementary school. When the kid showed up, Jack Bauer was nowhere to be found. Instead he found a heap of burning bodies that were later identified to be the boy’s parents.
1730) Jack Bauer can tie his own straight jacket.
1731) Despite Jack Bauer’s protests, CTU continues to use only one safeguard against infiltration:
A question on all job applications which reads: “Are you a mole?”
1732) Jared didn’t lose weight through Subway, he lost it because Jack Bauer tortured him in his basement for half a year.
1733) The first piece of luggage to appear on the baggage carousel belongs to Jack Bauer.
1734) The only time the terror alert level goes above “severe” is when Jack Bauer starts crying.
1735) When Jack Bauer was 5 years old he got suspended from kindergarten, someone took his crayon and he yelled “Dammit” followed by “Son of a Bitch.”
1736) When the going gets tough, the tough get Jack Bauer.
1737) If Jack Bauer and Walker, Texas Ranger ever happened to get within 10 feet of each other, the universe will explode. Fortunately, they would both survive.
1738) It wasn’t the needle that killed Tony... it was Jack’s death grip in thinking he was already dead.
1739) When Jack Bauer lost a tooth as a child, instead of leaving a quarter, the tooth fairy left a bullet.
1740) When President Palmer was in office, he had three phones: the regular phone, the red phone, and the Jack Bauer phone. Whenever there was a national crisis, guess which phone he used and here’s a hint: it wasn’t the red phone.
1741) In America, Jack Bauer kills you.
In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer kills you.
1742) Jack Bauer recently sued Warner Brothers, claiming the legal name for his penis is “The Iron Giant”.
1743) The Secretary of Defense’s son was straight before he met Jack Bauer.
1744) If Fox ever made a “24” movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
1745) Jack Bauer won the World Wrestling Federation title before anyone had the chance to tell him it was scripted.
1746) When posed with the question, “To be, or not to be?” Jack Bauer killed Shakespeare.
1747) Jack Bauer’s hotmail account never expires.
1748) Jack Bauer does not need a space suit, he just holds his breath.
1749) Jack Bauer doesn’t have to slap the bottom of the ketchup bottle to get the ketchup to come out.
1750) In a tempestuous duel of the fates, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Jack dodged the kick and shot him however the bullet was deflected by Chuck Norris’ beard. The standoff continues to this day.
1751) The only thing Jack Bauer has never caught is his breath.
1752) The islamic word for death is “shamalamahmohammadjihad.” The literal english translation of this is “Jack Bauer.”
1753) Jack Bauer has a 5 o clock shadow at 5am.
1754) Jack Bauer teaches Flash Gordon how to manage his time better.
1755) In addition to working at CTU, Jack Bauer also holds a part-time job at the IRS. Hence the phrase, “Death and taxes are the only sure things in life.”
1756) While playing a game of Red Rover, if a team yells “Red Rover, Red Rover, send Bauer right over,” have some ice on hand to preserve the detached limbs that will litter the ground.
1757) On Valentines Day, Jack Bauer likes to watch “Saw” with his girlfriend. When asked why, he said he finds it “soothing and sweet.”
1758) During a game of poker, a Mexican told Jack Bauer, “You’re bluffing.” Jack gauged out the Mexican’s eyes with a poker chip and shoved a Joker card up the guy’s urethra. And then revealed a royal flush.
1759) Radiation needs a Jack Bauer suit.
1760) In grade school, Jack Bauer’s teachers gave him apples.
1761) Jack Bauer doesn’t eat steak, he eats cows.
1762) Jack Bauer made Heather Brooke gag.
1763) The only reason Bill Gates doesn’t crush Apple is because Jack Bauer owns stock in it.
1764) James Bond has his Bond girls. Jack Bauer has his body count.
1765) When Jack Bauer killed Nina, he didn’t shed a tear for his late wife, he was sad thinking about all of the terrible things he wished he’d had more time to do to her before killing her.
1766) Jack Bauer doesn’t have sperm; he ejaculates babies.
1767) Jack Bauer is what Willis was talkin’ about, he just didn’t know it yet.
1768) Jack Bauer once mistook a box of bullets for Cheerios in his cereal. He didn’t even notice.
1769) In his college days at UCLA, Jack Bauer was the towel boy for the football team. There were no survivors.
1770) Mulder and Scully left the X-Files too soon. They would’ve realized that the truth is Jack Bauer.
1771) Jack Bauer has never used the Pause button during any video game.
1772) Jack Bauer once did a cannonball into the Indian Ocean... you know the rest.
1773) Jack Bauer wrote the “Davinci Code”. Not the stupid book, but the actual code.
1774) Jack Bauer once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without touching the controller. He just stared at the TV until the game beat itself.
1775) Many people don’t realize that “Bauer” is a name of Norwegian descent. It translates loosely to “WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!”
1776) When Jack Bauer eats at Hooters, he takes his waitress home - for dessert.
1777) Jack Bauer only eats meat, he hates food that never had a pulse.
1778) After brief discussions with Jack Bauer, Lynn McGill no longer believes in Hobbits, Dragons, Wizards or Magical Mythical Rings.
1779) When Jack Bauer looks at Edgar, he is temporarily unretarded.
1780) Jack Bauer can birdie a par 1 hole.
1781) People think Jack Bauer can’t be shot because the enemies fear him, but it’s really the bullets fearing Jack.
1782) As a child, Jack Bauer once ordered a “Happy Meal,” but demanded his money back, as it did not make him happy.
1783) Little known fact: MacGuyver wore a wire on every mission. Who was on the other end, you ask? Jack Bauer.
1784) Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
1785) Jack Bauer can open child proof medicine with out lining up the tabs.
1786) Batman has Robin. Jack Bauer has Kim Bauer and gets out of shit anyway.
1787) The Jack Bauer Severe Incapacitating Chest Punch is illegal in 27 states.
1788) Jack Bauer never lets go of your Eggo.
1789) Jack Bauer did not pledge a fraternity in college, a fraternity pledged Jack Bauer.
1790) When Gotham City is in trouble and needs Batman, they use the Bat signal to call Batman, when Los Angeles and the rest of the U.S. is in trouble, they use the mushroom cloud as the Bauer signal to call Jack.
1791) Jack Bauer once played the game where he had to guess which of three cups a ball was under. The ball promptly surrendered before he could speak.
1792) When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, “You can’t do it, Jack Bauer can help.”
1793) Jack Bauer once stared down his own image in a mirror.
1794) Hitler killed himself only after he learned that Jack Bauer was coming after him.
1795) Jack Bauer was approached to be a talk show host, but the deal fell through when he tortured each guest on the pilot episode. He wasn’t happy with the answers he was getting, and insisted that he needed to know their ‘primary objective’
1796) When Jack Bauer whispers into Lil Jon’s ear, Lil Jon no longer has a hearing problem.
1797) Jack Bauer does not drive fast, his car is just always trying to get away.
1798) One day Jack Bauer went to a Frank Sinatra concert. When Frank came out on stage and began singing his opening song, “My Way”, Jack Bauer ran up on stage, put two rounds in Sinatra’s head and said, “No, Frank, we’ll do it my way.”
1799) Jack Bauer makes Freddy Kruger wet the bed.
1800) Jack Bauer beats Koreans in Starcraft.
1801) Steven Segal doesn’t watch porn, he jacks off to episodes of 24.
1802) In kindergarten, Jack broke the teacher’s fingers for telling him recess was over.
1803) When Jack Bauer found out that Chapelle was secretly watching CSI instead of 24, he shot him.
1804) If anyone haunts Satan’s dreams, its Jack Bauer.
1805) Jack Bauer’s the kind of guy who will swat a fly with a sledgehammer in a glass house, if he thinks the fly needs to be swatted.
1806) Jack Bauer gives advice to Dr. Phil.
1807) God created the universe in 6 days. That’s 5 days 23 hours and 59 minutes longer than it took Jack Bauer to create God.
1808) Jack Bauer doesn’t work in the interest of national security, the nation is interested in securing it self on Jack’s good side.
1809) Jack Bauer gives Tylenol a headache.
1810) Jack Bauer stole every condom in the world. Why? Because he realized he’s running out of people to kill.
1811) The Raiders moved back to Oakland because Jack Bauer decided that the L. A. Coliseum would be better used for a gunfight with terrorists.
1812) One day, Jack Bauer was seen walking around L.A. with a gigantic green heart in his hand. When asked whose it was, Jack replied, “His name was Incredible Hulk...something.”
1813) Jack Bauer invented the Internet just so he could fight cyberterrorists.
1814) Jack Bauer became the first man to successfully shoot and kill someone in each of the 50 states. 84 times.
1815) One of the best kept secrets of 24 is that every season of 24 happens on the summer solstice. That is why Jack always says, “Today is the longest day of my life.”
1816) In the director’s cut of Pulp Fiction, it was revealed that the item in Marsellus Wallace’s suitcase was, in fact, a picture of Jack Bauer naked.
1817) % of the Earth is covered by land. The other 30% is covered by Jack Bauer.
1818) The video game “God of War” was originally conceptualized as “Jack Bauer: The High School Years”.
1819) If J.K. Rowling wrote Jack Bauer into the Harry Potter series, Voldemort would be obliterated in, like, five seconds.
1820) If you meet anyone who’s an optimist, they have obviously never met Jack Bauer.
1821) When the kids born in the twenty first century grow up they will not have heroes, but rather Jack Bauers. Jack Bauer is the only hero.
1822) Jack Bauer does all of Jackie Chan’s stunts, including ones where he speaks Chinese.
1823) Jack Bauer doesn’t need an iPod. His ears play the song he wants to hear.
1824) Jack Bauer gets anal on the first date. No questions asked.
1825) In terrorist language, Jack Bauer literally translates to “The Chosen One.”
1826) If your pizza wasn’t delivered in 20 minutes or less, Jack Bauer wasn’t the driver.
1827) In Season 3, Ramon Salazar said “Jack Bauer has more lives than a cat”. Untrue. Cats only live once.
1828) When people say “Lord have mercy,” Jack Bauer considers it.
1829) Satellites aren’t in orbit. They’re trying to get away from Jack Bauer but can’t.
1830) Jack Bauer knows what’s in your wallet.
1831) Most people sleep with both eyes closed. Some people are believed to sleep with one eye open. As for Jack Bauer... he doesn’t sleep at all. Sleep is for the weak.
1832) Jack Bauer’s semen cures breast cancer, but that’s not why women crave it.
1833) If a company sends Jack Bauer a letter that says, “You may have already won $1,000,000” then they better give Jack a million dollars.
1834) If Jack Bauer worked in the Human Resources Department at CTU, there would be no moles working there.
1835) Jack Bauer would have broke Lincoln Burrows and Michael Scofield out of prison... But then it wouldn’t have been much of a show, would it?
1836) Jack Bauer won the Daytona 500. On a skateboard.
1837) Running away from Jack Bauer is like trying to kill him. You’re a fucking retard for even thinking of doing so.
1838) Jack Bauer taught sign language to the blind.
1839) Ron Burgundy was wrong... San Diego, in fact, was named after Jack Bauer.
1840) When Jack Bauer torrents, everyone seeds.
1841) Jack Bauer once punched me so hard that all of my atoms lost an electron. I’m positive.
1842) Jack Bauer does sleep. Sometimes when he is killing terrorists, he is actually sleep walking.
1843) When Jack Bauer flushes the toilet, it goes clock-wise, no matter what hemisphere he is in.
1844) Jack Bauer doesn’t use condoms for birth control, he uses guns.
1845) When Kim brings new boyfriends to meet Jack, he doesn’t shake hands with them. He introduces them to Chase.
1846) Vampires dress up as Jack Bauer for Halloween.
1847) What happens in Jack Bauer’s interrogation room stay’s in Jack Bauer’s interrogation room.
1848) Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack Bauer thought they were fetching nukes so he killed them both and assumed the other Jack’s identity.
1849) Kim Bauer’s breasts get their genetic perfection from their exact duplicates -- Jack Bauer’s testicles.
1850) The spoon that Neo is convinced does not exist, is daily used by Jack Bauer to eat his cereal.
1851) Jack Bauer once had CTU open a socket to the depths of hell.
1852) When Jack says Uno, just accept that the other cards he’s holding don’t exist. Its better for your health.
1853) Jack Bauer has more lives than Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, B, A, Start.
1854) The original script of 24 had Jack Bauer use only his hands to kill the terrorist but Jack said give me a gun to give them a chance.
1855) Jack Bauer did not answer questions in school. He asked them.
1856) Had the US decided to drop Jack Bauer on Hiroshima or Nagasaki instead of the nukes, the Japanese would have had no chance to surrender, as they would have all been killed in the initial blast. The Japanese should consider themselves lucky.
1857) It was not a meteor impact that killed the dinosaurs, it was actually the result of Jack Bauer arm-wrestling Chuck Norris.
1858) Jack Bauer can make the Juggernaut his bitch.
1859) If Jack Bauer were a woman, he could give birth with no anesthesia and not even wince. He may even be able to do it as a man.
1860) Jack Bauer found a magic lamp on a deserted island. He wished he could kill a terrorist, then wished the terrorist back to life so he could kill him again.
1861) Due to his inability to get drunk off anything other than the misplaced trust of those weaker than himself, Jack Bauer has been the undisputed CTU beer pong champion for the last twelve years.
1862) Chase once asked Jack Bauer if he was having a case of the Mondays. This is the real reason Jack cut Chase’s hand off.
1863) Jack Bauer is in the dictionary, under ‘pain.’ Oh yeah, and ‘busy motherfucker’ too.
1864) When Conan O’Brien pulls the “Walker Texas Ranger Lever,” a clip from the show is shown. When Jack Bauer pulls it, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself in the face.
1865) Jack Bauer always gets checkmate in one move.
1866) We need Jack Bauer because the U.S. Constitution only defines Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches of government. Apparently the Framers of the Constitution forgot all about the Ass-Kicking branch.
1867) Jack Bauer bites the bed bugs.
1868) When YOU have the remote, you’re watching whatever the fuck Jack Bauer’s watching.
1869) Jack Bauer isn’t hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.
1870) James Bond committed suicide once he realized he had the same initials as Jack Bauer. He took the easy way out.
1871) Jack Bauer’s biological make-up is so advanced that he internally recycles his own human waste into nourishment. That’s why Jack never eats or goes to the bathroom.
1872) Jack Bauer once made a mute surrender sensitive information.
1873) Jack Bauer doesn’t use soft toilet paper. He doesn’t use rough toilet paper. He uses sandpaper.
1874) Jack Bauer played Bobby Fisher in chess and won by moving his rook diagonally. After Jack insisted he plays by his own rules, Bobby Fisher knocked all the pieces off the board. They are still searching for Bobby Fisher...
1875) Jack Bauer pushed Humpty Dumpty off the wall.
1876) When Jack Bauer takes a shower, he never puts it back.
1877) Jack Bauer makes omelets without breaking any eggs.
1878) Jack Bauer can eat flour and shit cupcakes.
1879) Jack Bauer produces his own food through photosynthesis which explains why he never eats. This process excretes “Canned Whoop-Ass” which explains everything else.
1880) If Jack Bauer ever gets shot, it would be the bullets that bleed.
1881) Hammertime was actually derived from Bauertime. No one can touch Jack Bauer.
1882) If you don’t know who Jack Bauer is make a bomb threat and find out. (Note: Mortal Consequences are possible.)
1883) Jack Bauer was born after he performed a Cesearean section on his own mother.
1884) The film The Rock is loosely based on events from Jack Bauer’s summer vacation.
1885) Jack Bauer doesn’t pay attention to expiration dates. He finishes all his food in 24 hours or less.
1886) Jack Bauer never got picked last in kickball.
1887) Jack Bauer could make the Knicks reach the playoffs.
1888) Jack Bauer screwed Money Penny and sent James Bond the satellite pictures as a joke.
1889) Jack Bauer scored a 2400 on the SATs. The old SATs.
1890) Jack Bauer is the shortest distance between 2 points.
1891) Jack Bauer once had to fight a tank with only a stick, a bottle cap, and four red Skittles. Jack Bauer won.
1892) Donald Trump is Jack Bauer’s apprentice.
1893) Jack Bauer doesn’t cut paper. He just angrily yells at it until it cuts itself into the shape he desires.
1894) The reason it’s so easy for terrorist to infiltrate CTU? Jack Bauer loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
1895) Wheaties once asked Jack Bauer to be on the cover of their cereal box. However Jack turned them down. We all know he never eats.
1896) Jack Bauer can eat steak with a straw.
1897) The Kool Aid Man once broke into Jack Bauer’s living room shouting “OH YEAH.” After fixing the hole in Jack Bauer’s wall, he was never seen again. The stock market value for the Hawaiian Punch corporation has since tripled.
1898) If Edgar and Chloe ever had a baby, Jack would shoot it.
1899) If Jack Bauer asks you to trust him you are compelled by your DNA to do what he says.
1900) Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don’t even celebrate Halloween. It’s scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
1901) Jack Bauer knows what the definition of “is” is.
1902) If you killed Jack Bauer’s friend and you’ve been shot, don’t count on going to a hospital.
1903) When Jack Bauer attended sniper school, they changed the motto to “One shot, one hundred kills.”
1904) They say guns are illegal to just carry on the street. Jack Bauer’s left and right arm tend to disagree.
1905) Originally God gave Moses 15 commandments. Jack Bauer only wanted 10.
1906) If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If Jack Bauer gives you lemons, you’d better fucking make him some lemonade so that you have a chance of having life.
1907) Jack Bauer could silence Simon Cowell.
1908) Jack Bauer once popped out his eye so he could peek around a corner.
1909) Jack Bauer never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn’t get the wrong idea.
1910) Jack Bauer went to Vegas and put his savings on Red 14. It stopped on double zero, but Jack still won.
1911) There were originally twenty hours in a day. Jack Bauer made the days longer so he could kill more terrorists in a one day period.
1912) Nothing could get in the middle of Jack Bauer. Not even a middle name.
1913) Jack Bauer can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
1914) Jack Bauer can do more with a cell phone than most hackers can do with the top personal computers.
1915) Why negotiate with terrorists when you can send Jack Bauer after them?
1916) Darth Vader wears a mask because Jack Bauer is looking for the face.
1917) Jack Bauer never watched “A-Team” back in the 80’s. He lost interest immediately because no one on that show ever died, and vowed that one day he would make a TV show that was the complete opposite.
1918) Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer. David Palmer and Michelle Dessler. Tony apologized.
1919) When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead asks for a bucket and a hand gun. He then shoots Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Mr. T, and 12 terrorists. On average this blood is able to save the lives of 50 newborns.
1920) Jack Bauer is as cool as Edgar is fat.
1921) Jack Bauer shaves with a chainsaw.
1922) If you ever need a country annihilated, call Jack Bauer and tell him that Kim was kidnapped and killed there.
1923) Ken Jennings’ 74 game winning steak consisted solely of the phrase, “Who is Jack Bauer?”
1924) They say that men can’t handle relationships. Relationships can’t handle Jack Bauer.
1925) Jack Bauer’s clothes dry in the washing machine.
1926) Jack Bauer always hits above 16 in Blackjack.
1927) The capabilities of Jack Bauer’s PDA are rivaled only by the computer book used by Penny on Inspector Gadget.
1928) Edgar was attracted to Chloe only because he wanted to be closer to Jack Bauer.
1929) Jack Bauer once told a terrorist to eat shit. The terrorist learned that shit doesn’t taste very good.
1930) Jack Bauer’s balls are visible from space.
1931) Jack Bauer was in last years season of “Skating with Celebrities”. The show never aired because he hid in the air ducts, then killed everyone and faked his own death.
1932) Jack Bauer can swallow a scrambled rubix cube and barf it up solved, all while shooting terrorists.
1933) When Skynet really wanted to make sure John Connor was killed, they didn’t send a Terminator, they sent Jack Bauer.
1934) God didn’t rest on the 7th day of Creation. He created Jack Bauer.
1935) You wouldn’t think Jack Bauer could shove this towel down your throat, but he can.
1936) When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other line.
1937) Jack Bauer kills 24 birds with one stone.
1938) Ron Artest thinks Jack Bauer is one crazy motherfucker.
1939) Jack Bauer flosses with barb wire.
1940) Why does Jack Bauer run through firefights standing completely erect? Because God will not let his greatest creation die...Jack Bauer knows this.
1941) Jesus once turned water into wine. Jack Bauer beat him to the brink of death for threatening the world’s water supply and then demanded to know who he was working for.
1942) Jack Bauer has Jesus-like healing powers. But when Jack brings someone back to life, he kills them again.
1943) Jack Bauer once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
1944) When Darth Vader memorably uttered, “Impressive, Most Impressive”, he was referring to Jack Bauer on the other side of the Galaxy.
1945) In his presence, every feminist has to make Jack Bauer a sandwich and suck his dick afterwards.
1946) Jack Bauer has died twice. That’s also a real fact.
1947) Jack Bauer is the American dream. That is to say when America sleeps it dreams of Jack Bauer.
1948) Jack Bauer never wet his pants, he wet other kids pants to let them know when they were scared.
1949) Jack Bauer doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, he kills them.
1950) Jack Bauer has chopped an arm off of a man 5 times, only once was it necessary to save lives.
1951) Jack Bauer convinced AIDS to leave Magic Johnson’s body.
1952) Jack Bauer got Ray Charles to see.
1953) The bouncer does not bother to check whether Jack Bauer is on The List.
1954) There’s a bullet out there with Jack Bauer’s name on it. Actually, there are millions of them: He has his own signature line.
1955) As a boy for his birthday Jack Bauer’s parents showed him how to play the game pin the bullet to the head. He hasn’t stopped playing it since.
1956) The original intro narrative for each episode of 24 ended with “My name is Jack Bauer, and I am a bad ass.”
1957) George Mason once called Jack Bauer a “stupid chump.” Years later he died in a nuclear blast. This is no coincidence.
1958) When Jack Bauer asks any question, it should be automatically assumed to mean “Which of your vital organs do you want to lose for lying?”
1959) Jack Bauer doesn’t actually need a hacksaw, he just uses it to be polite.
1960) Jack Bauer framed Roger Rabbit.
1961) Jack Bauer has never been seen using the restroom. It is rumored that anyone who witnesses this Holy event, immediately engulfs in flames.
1962) Jack Bauer once tried to become a surgeon, but he kept jamming the surgical scissors into the patients necks.
1963) The creation of the Chuck Norris fact generator was merely a tactical maneuver by Jack Bauer in a successful attempt to lure out the enemy.
1964) Jack Bauer may not speak your language, but he sure as hell knows what you’re saying.
1965) Edgar never stuttered before the show 24, but after he stared into the eyes of Jack Bauer, he has never been the same.
1966) Jack Bauer is so sexy that being called a Jackass has become a compliment.
1967) Jack Bauer once ate a quarter and shit two dimes and a nickel.
1968) If Jack Bauer told me “I won’t let anything happen to you” and then said jump of this bridge, I would do so with no fear in my mind.
1969) When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
1970) When Jack Bauer pokes the Pillsbury Dough Boy, that punk doesn’t get back up.
1971) Jack Bauer can capture the flag, during deathmatch.
1972) In an attempt to curb overpopulation in Middle Eastern cities, the UN offered Jack Bauer a house in Iran. Jack Bauer declined because he wanted more of a challenge.
1973) The THX sound demo comes from Jack Bauer waking up in the morning.
1974) Little known fact: All the fatalities in Mortal Kombat were based on Jack’s moves & torture tactics.
1975) Jack Bauer is the reason men turn gay.
1976) Jack Bauer may not be able to turn water into wine. He does, however, turn men gay.
1977) Jack Bauer stole lunch money from the bully.
1978) The odds of completing anything without Jack Bauer is less than 20%.
1979) Jack Bauer won a decathlon while only competing in 9 events.
1980) In Soviet Russia, bread stands in line for Jack Bauer.
1981) Jack Bauer double dips.
1982) Jack Bauer doesn’t have to go fishing - the fish willingly jump out of the water and directly onto Jack’s grill.
1983) Barry Bonds was on steroids. Steroids are on Jack Bauer.
1984) Jack Bauer once stared at a total solar eclipse. He didn’t go blind, but the world plunged into darkness.
1985) Jack Bauer can lock a key in it’s drawer.
1986) Jack Bauer’s case of the Mondays was that there weren’t enough terrorists to kill in a day.
1987) The song ‘Stairway To Heaven’ is a song about Jack Bauer and his Victims.
Recently it has been changed to ‘Escalator to heaven’.
1988) When Kim turned 4, Jack threw her a birthday party and invited a juggler. Not because he likes jugglers but because it sounds like the word jugular.
1989) Even if you die in a violent shootout outside your bank, you’re still better off taking your chances with Jack Bauer.
1990) The only reason why you can’t see Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore is because he doesn’t want you to see him.
1991) Jack Bauer got all the Noble Gases to bond together.
1992) Jack Bauer hates microwave ovens; he finds them too slow. Jack would rather just intimidate his food into going from raw to cooked in under a minute.
1993) Jack Bauer got the dark side and light side to join him.
1994) Jack Bauer once took Kim to the zoo. When they approached
the cougar cage, poor Kim screamed.
Ten minutes later, the cougars were dead.
1995) Bauer’s family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Osama Bin Laden.
1996) When Jack Bauer’s wife’s paternity test revealed that he wasn’t the father, he tortured his own son until he revealed who it was.
1997) Jack Bauer did not actually need to hold his breath to avoid the nerve gas; He just pretended he was vulnerable to fool Lynn McGill into doing his work for him, then causing him to die afterwards.
1998) Jack was trained as an anesthetist, but failed his finals because he preferred the rapid effectiveness of the “knock-out punch”.
1999) Jack Bauer holds two world records. In a 24 hour period, he has a) killed the most people and b) delivered the most justice.
2000) Jack Bauer spoke at a “Scared Straight” seminar for juvenile delinquents. All attendees requested to be transferred directly to jail at age 18.
2001) If two trains are heading towards the same destination, one starting from 100 miles away going east at 80mph, and another from 120 miles away going west at 100mph, which one arrives first? Answer: Jack Bauer.
2002) When Jack Bauer plays checkers he doesn’t get kinged, he gets Jack Bauered.
2003) Jack Bauer seats himself at restaurants.
2004) Jack Bauer drinks milk after the expiration date.
2005) If Jack Bauer was the president, it’d be a one-man administration.
2006) Jack Bauer uses a bomb for an alarm clock every morning.
2007) The answer to the question “what happens when a strong force hits an immoveable object” has never been answered because nothing that has crossed Jack Bauer’s path has lived to tell about it.
2008) Jack Bauer has received a grand total of $1.3 million from the tooth fairy.
2009) Jack Bauer once knocked out an FBI agent and borrowed his clothes to infiltrate a building. When the man was revived, he passed out again due to the sheer thought of Jack Bauer wearing his clothes.
2010) Jack Bauer does not turn his cell on silent when he’s in a movie theater.
2011) Jack Bauer submitted a random fact about himself, but it was so funny that people died laughing when they read it, and it had to be taken off the site.
2012) Jack Bauer brought balance to the force.
2013) On Halloween, a child stopped at Jack Bauers house dressed in a terrorist costume. Jack killed him with a piece of candy corn before he noticed the difference.
2014) Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked “ Are you a mole?” and it was never tried again.
2015) Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris’ patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Walker: Texas Ranger’s head.
2016) Hallmark would never go out of business if Jack Bauer had to send condolence cards to the families of the terrorists he’s killed.
2017) If the hospital in Grey’s Anatomy had called Jack Bauer instead of the bomb squad, the episode would be over in five minutes.
2018) Eve was created from Adam’s rib. Adam was created from Jack Bauer’s toenail.
2019) Hardee’s is considering renaming their Monster Thickburger - “The Jack Bauer Burger” - because with its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium - it could kill you.
2020) The real reason the Chappelle show went of the air is that Dave Chappelle saw what Jack Bauer did to Chappelle in season 3 of 24. Dave knew it was only a matter of time before Jack Bauer learned he was a Muslim, so went into hiding to save his ass. Bauer let’s him live just because he found the Rick James sketch amusing.
2021) God actually makes an exception for people who ignore the 1st commandment. Why? Because God himself worships Jack Bauer.
2022) Jack Bauer doesn’t count his chickens before they hatch. He smashes them into little pieces and eats them for dinner.
2023) If you played Halo with Jack Bauer, he’d snap your neck in the game. Then for real.
2024) The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.
2025) Jack Bauer can mix oil and water.
2026) Jack Bauer makes Navy Seals look like girly men.
2027) Knives merely bend when they come into contact with Jack Bauer’s skin, unless he allows himself to be stabbed, in order to do even more badass shit.
2028) Jack Bauer doesn’t get full from the Taco Bell Dollar Menu.
2029) Real men torture others into demise. Pussies perform roundhouse kicks.
2030) When Jack Bauer wants a vacation, every terrorist in Los Angeles is dead within an hour.
2031) Jack Bauer has never pressed the Play button on his answering machine. Upon hearing beeps, he tortures the device until it gives up the messages.
2032) CTU was originally comprised of one man: Jack Bauer. He decided to let other people work there too, but only because he wanted to help lower unemployment rates. He doesn’t need the help, thank you very much.
2033) Jack Bauer does not need anyone to open a socket for him. Jack Bauer is the only person who actually knows what a socket is and why they need to keep being opened.
2034) Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires.
2035) If there really is a God then Jack Bauer should be arrested for identity theft.
2036) So far Jack Bauer has not had to confront the Germans, because his grandfather John “Jack” Bauer sorted that lot out in 1945.
2037) Jack Bauer knows “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days”. He kills them.
2038) Harry Potter reads Jack Bauer’s books.
2039) Jack Bauer is Macguyver’s wet dream.
2040) The phrase “if looks could kill” is true with regards to Jack Bauer
2041) Jack Bauer’s electrical appliances work in European outlets.
2042) If you click on “Who the hell is Jack Bauer” Jack Bauer will hunt you down and demonstrate what he can do.
2043) Jack Bauer doesn’t have to wait in line at the DMV.
2044) A fact known only to Jack Bauer: with great Bauer comes great responsibility.
2045) The movie “Under Siege” would have been over in 10 minutes if it had been Jack Bauer instead of Steven Seagal. Jack would have just tipped the entire fucking battleship over.
2046) There is a theory that says if a werewolf bites Jack Bauer, then every full moon it will turn into a “were-Bauer” and kill terrorists uncontrollably. This is only a theory of course, because no werewolf has succeeded in biting him. Neither have Vampires, Lizardmen or mosquitoes.
2047) Jack Bauer is the only man who doesn’t suffer from shrinkage.
2048) Jack Bauer doesn’t get mad. He gets even. Actually that’s not true, he does get mad, but the ratio between the two is so obscenely disproportionate that it pretty much comes down to the same thing.
2049) Jack Bauer would not put Rudy in the game.
2050) Upon hearing that Allen Iverson was “the Answer”, Jack Bauer flew to Philly. Allen Iverson then made that commercial that details his numerous injuries.
2051) Jack Bauer can easily go 24 hours without moving his bowels.
2052) To prove a point, Jack Bauer lit Schindler’s actual list on fire.
2053) When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.
2054) When Jack Bauer went camping and told ghost stories, everybody there died.
2055) Nerve gas doesn’t harm Jack Bauer, it simply gets on his nerves.
2056) If Jack had been in Vietnam there would have been no need for napalm.
2057) Ryan Seacrest is only allowed to live because Jack Bauer shares his network.
2058) CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, “You just got Jacked up.”
2059) Beetlejuice makes God damn sure not to utter “Jack Bauer” more than twice.
2060) If you stand in your bathroom with the lights off and say “Jack Bauer” seven times, he appears and kills you.
2061) Jack Bauer has read 3 Tom Clancy novels, 2 of which he re-enacted during a weekend away.
2062) Jack Bauer has a gunshot wound, but not because he was hit. He simply wanted to feel the pain that he inflicted upon others. He was satisfied with himself.
2063) Don’t be fooled, whenever you are having sex with your girlfriend/wife/mistress and moan of excitement. It is not because of you, they’re thinking of Jack Bauer.
2064) When Jack Bauer needs to be fly to Mexico, Mexico meets him halfway.
2065) The I before E except after C rule can trace its origins to Kiefer.
2066) If Jack Bauer were to be elected President of the United States, Iraq would be a democratic nation.
2067) Jack Bauer doesn’t clean, dust is afraid of his belongings.
2068) Jack Bauer won in Tic-Tac-Toe in two moves.
2069) Jack Bauer doesn’t work for CTU. CTU works for Jack Bauer.
2070) “ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER!” -Newsweek.
2071) After Pope John Paul II died, God asked Jack Bauer to succeed him. He said no.
2072) Jack Bauer once won a game of Scrabble without a single letter.
2073) When the football game between the Chicago Bears and the Carolina Panthers delayed the fifth season premiere of 24, nobody at CTU was happy. The next day, the “NFL on FOX” studio was discovered to be littered with bodies, one victim even missing his stomach lining. Witnesses said that a blonde guy who looked an awful lot like Kiefer Sutherland was calmly walking away from the scene.
2074) Jack Bauer only gives one present at Christmas, Pain.
2075) Michelle Desler found out that Jack Bauer was back in town, had an instant orgasm causing her car to explode.
2076) After arguing over what was the better show, 24 or Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris went to attack Jack Bauer with his trademark roundhouse kick. Jack Bauer caught it.
2077) When Jack Bauer enters a restroom, the toilets urinate.
2078) Jack Bauer caught all the Pokemon.
2079) In space no one can hear you scream, no one except Jack Bauer.
2080) Jack Bauer crosses 8 Mile without a single word said to him.
2081) Jack Bauer once pulled the “go directly to jail” card in Monopoly. He then killed Uncle rich penny bags and escaped.
2082) Jack Bauer can beat you in a thumb wrestling match without ever touching you.
2083) The combination of Jack Bauer’s yelling and David Palmer’s soothing words can put any animal into heat.
2084) Jack decided to make Dirty Harry’s day.
2085) Jack Bauer killed the tooth fairy for trying to take his gun.
2086) Jack Bauer won a date with Tad Hamilton, and within 2 minutes of being tortured by Jack Bauer, he admitted he was gay.
2087) Jack Bauer and Agent Pierce shaking hands is a deadlier combination than crossing the streams.
2088) Someone created the Jack Bauer diet but most people couldn’t stomach that many nails and pieces of wraught iron.
2089) Mortal Kombat had to change “Finish Him” into “Jack Bauer Him!”
2090) Three terrorists committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay when they heard Jack Bauer was coming to interrogate the prisoners.
2091) Cell phone service providers need Jack Bauer to stay in buisness.
2092) Jack Bauer hates jazz. The result?
Hurricane Katrina.
2093) When Jack Bauer was in 4th grade he put his principle in an armbar for 24 hours for forgetting to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance.
2094) : Jack Bauer and Batman have never been seen in the same place at the same time. Draw your own conclusions.
2095) Out of pure fear, Microsoft compiles a special version of Windows for Jack Bauer that boots instantly and never crashes. Programmers like their fingers and tend to get nervous when Jack is speaking.
2096) A good looking man once challenged Jack Bauer to a boxing match. That man is Sam Cassell.
2097) Jack Bauer does not attend anger-management classes but rather releases his anger by killing those who feel he should.
2098) When women are around Jack Bauer, they don’t menstruate - out of fear.
2099) Michael Jackson’s face is was not the work of plastic surgeons. It was Jack Bauer.
2100) Jack Bauer was going to study for a PhD, but he thought the hour could be better spent working for CTU.
2101) Aj.com (Ask Jeeves) is currently under construction. The new website will be called “Ask Jack”.
2102) Jack Baur once cured a child of down syndrome. He beat the extra gene out of him.
2103) When your watching 24 your not watching Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer is watching you.
2104) Jack Bauer remembers everything after getting flashed by the Men In Black.
2105) Jack Bauer doesn’t use Icy Hot, he uses WD-40.
2106) Jack Bauer once scored a hatrick. While playing goalie.
2107) Jack Bauer always finishes last. The ladies like it that way.
2108) Jack Bauer can pilot a plane better from the luggage compartment than Corey Lidle can from the cockpit.
2109) Jack Bauer didn’t need a hacksaw. He just didn’t feel like ripping Marshall Goren’s head off with his bare hands.
2110) If you are fortunate enough to be impregnated by Jack Bauer, be careful: when the baby kicks, you are likely to be pushed across the room.
2111) Jack Bauer was the only one to redeem his frequent flyer miles from David Spade.
2112) Nobody puts Jack Bauer in the corner.
2113) In Doom, the IDDQD code originally let you play through the game as Jack Bauer. They later changed it to God-Mode for copyright reasons.
2114) Jack Bauer was the first kid in his kindergarten class to have a five o’clock shadow and receding hairline.
2115) Jack Bauer made hell freeze over.
2116) Jack Bauer was nicknamed ‘Fear’ because the only thing you need to fear is fear itself.
2117) It is usually a good idea to get Jack to promise not to let anything happen to you... unless your name is Behrooz.
2118) If Jack Bauer were 50 Cent, Ja Rule would be rapping about butterflies and ponies.
2119) Jack found Waldo in one hour. The only reason he didn’t find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
2120) Jack Bauer can kill terrorist with a magnifying glass, at night.
He fucking shoves it in the terrorist’s throat.
2121) Jack Bauer controls the Matrix, he chose Neo to be the one because Jack Bauer doesn’t like playing computer games.
2122) Jack Bauer doesn’t even need to clap twice to turn the lights on.
2123) Ryan Chappelle and George Mason filled out Jack Bauer’s annual employee evaluation. CTU’s evaluation forms couldn’t properly reflect Jack’s awesomeness. We all know what happened to Chappelle and Mason.
2124) Jack Bauer doesn’t need a gas mask. He doesn’t even need air. He just wears one so the Centox doesn’t get contaminated.
2125) Jack Bauer does not use condoms. He does not need to. His sperm is so fast and strong they would simultaneously fertilize and destroy any egg.
2126) David Hasselhoff once tried to rescue Jack Bauer. He didn’t survive.
2127) Jack Bauer doesn’t contemplate suicide, he just does it. Every season.
2128) Jack bauer doesn’t eat food, he interrogates it until it jumps into his mouth.
2129) If you’re constipated, look at Jack Bauer.
2130) Jack Bauer is the only living person who knows all of CTU’s protocols. And how to upload them to Division.
2131) Jack Bauer does not yield when he turns right on red.
2132) When Jack Bauer eats Skittles, a rainbow leads him to the next terrorist that he is going to kill.
2133) Jack Bauer’s semen is known to be poisonous. Women still want to swallow it.
2134) Jack Bauer has no friends on Myspace. Everyone who adds him becomes a target by several terrorist networks, and they are found dead the next day for not giving up Jack’s location.
2135) Jesus turned water into wine. Jack Bauer turns terrorists into leaky pieces of meat.
2136) Jack Bauer knows why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch.
2137) An electromagnet didn’t cause the plane to crash. Jack Bauer was in the luggage compartment and the pilot wouldn’t listen to him.
2138) Jack Bauer ordered Batman to name his sidekick Robin as a joke.
2139) When Jack Bauer finds the nerve gas he will inhale it, becoming more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
2140) If Jack Bauer says ‘This is not the right play’, it’s not the right play.
2141) Jack Bauer has fucked over more Arab guys than G.W Bush.
2142) Jack Bauer finished his LSATs in an hour, and used the remaining time to kill Ramon Salazar. He got a 176.
2143) Jack Bauer knows 435 ways to kill a man and 0 ways to dance with one.
2144) When Kennedy promised we would reach the moon, it was because he learned Jack Bauer had been born than morning.
2145) When Jack Bauer is connected to a series of events that involves foreigners, they have to speak english even in their own homes. They have no choice, that is the way of things.
2146) For kicks, Jack Bauer allows terrorists to crack one of his ribs before he kills them. Otherwise there’s no sport.
2147) Jack Bauer once met Jason, Michael Myers, and Freddy Kruger in a dark ally. They killed themselves before Jack did it for them.
2148) Jack Bauer smashed a mirror because he thought a terrorist was trying to impersonate him.
2149) When Jack Bauer was in the womb, his mother attempted to abort him. She stabbed him 47 times with a coat hanger and he refused to submit. He was born on time and broke her knee caps on the way out.
2150) Jack Bauer was able to give Jenna Jameson an orgasm.
2151) I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of him... Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
2152) Jack Bauer once tortured a Pokemon and actually got one to speak.
2153) What is the sound of one hand clapping? The *smack* of Jack Bauer’s open hand across the face of some hysterical woman in the middle of a crisis.
2154) Jack Bauer once poured salt into an open wound just to see if he could still feel.
2155) Jack Bauer can score a three pointer from inside the key.
2156) Jack Bauer is the reason Churchill and Stalin sat down with Roosevelt.
2157) Jack Bauer thinks his shit don’t stink. He’s right.
2158) Jack Bauer can take off his underwear without taking off his pants first.
2159) Jack Bauer eats pieces of shit like Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel for breakfast.
2160) Jack Bauer was Superman’s stunt double.
2161) Jack Bauer is only allergic to one thing: Live Terrorists.
2162) Jack Bauer tortured and killed Winnie The Pooh because he hid his honey in a tree that was next door to the place where the friend of a daughter of a coworker of a terrorist had her car washed. Jack just wanted to be thorough.
2163) Jack Bauer sank my battleship.
2164) Jack Bauer doesn’t wipe his butt. Shit is afraid to hang around any longer than absolutely neccesary.
2165) Jack Bauer is the REAL father of Britney Spear’s baby. And Angelina Jolie’s. And Katie Holmes’. When Audrey finds out, she’ll be okay with it....
2166) Jack Bauer tried to order breakfast at McDonalds once. When he was told by a McDonalds assosiate that they don’t serve breakfast after 11am, he grabbed the assosiate, shot him in the leg, and asked him: “What is your primary objective?”
2167) Jack Bauer was the first person to ever pass Duck Hunt.
2168) When Jack Bauer eats Alphabet Soup, he shits out the names of the terrorists that he will kill that day.
2169) “I think, therefore I am” can be shortened to “Jack Bauer”.
2170) Whenever Jack Bauer goes in for a checkup, his doctor always performs a reflex test. The moment the doctor taps Jack’s knee and his leg reflexively kicks up, somewhere in the world a terrorist feels like he’s just been kicked in the groin.
2171) Jack Bauer has never used a Lifeline on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.”
2172) When Jack Bauer was circumcised, the doctor had to use a guillotine. Afterwards, baby Jack giggled.
2173) When Jack Bauer steps off a sidewalk, his foot doesn’t fall to hit the earth, but rather the Earth comes to meet his foot.
2174) Jack Bauer’s version of “making love” is not shooting you after he fucks you.
2175) After Jack Bauer fucked Nina she had to take a leave of absence. She told district that she was rammed by a truck and wasn’t going to be able to walk right for a week.
2176) Jack Bauer’s urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
2177) Hurricane Katrina did not really happen. Jack Bauer took a piss outside Bourbon Street.
2178) Jack Bauer’s penis was the inspiration for the Washington Monument.
2179) Jack Bauer forced Mother Theresa to confess to several crimes.
2180) Jack Bauer cannot get drunk. His blood is stronger than everclear.
2181) Jack Bauer was actually named after the verb of the same name; i.e. to Jack Bauer someone’s ass.
2182) Only Jack Bauer can stop forest fires.
2183) When Jack Bauer shoots his load, his wife has to wear a kevlar vest.
2184) John McCain only has no problem with torturing detainees just as long as it’s Jack Bauer doing the torturing.
2185) Richard Hellar came out of the closet not because he was gay but because Jack was in there.
2186) Jack Bauer can get the ketchup out of the old glass bottles.
2187) Mya Driscoll didn’t commit suicide. The lesson: Don’t fire Jack Bauer.
2188) Jack Bauer doesn’t chew bubble gum, he chews coal, and when he spits it out, it is a diamond.
2189) The only true defense against Jack Bauer is a mirror.
2190) Jack Bauer once held his breath for thirty-seven minutes underwater. He was fucking a mermaid.
2191) Every time a cell phone rings, Jack Bauer has just put a bullet in a terrorists head.
2192) Martin Luther King Jr. dreamt of Jack Bauer.
2193) Jack Bauer takes nude photos of all the women he has sex with. He keeps the best ones for himself and sells the others to Playboy.
2194) Jack Bauer didn’t save money on his car insurance by switching to Geico. The gecko is now an endangered species.
2195) The only time Jack Bauer was seen eating, was when he was eating Chuck Norris’ leg after catching a roundhouse kick. Jack promptly spit it out. This is the worst pussy I’ve ever eaten.
2196) Jack Bauer once spilled bean dip on Chloe at the CTU Christmas party. She’s had a shitty fucking attitude ever since.
2197) If you’re about to get into your Jeep Grand Cherokee and Jack Bauer throws you to the ground, tells you “Don’t get up”, and drives off with your Jeep, you better not fucking get up.
2198) Jack Bauer taught David Hasselhoff how to swim.
2199) Jack Bauer doesn’t interrogate, he shoots the suspect until he finds another suspect he needs information from.
2200) Jack Bauer speaks 37 languages simultaneously.
2201) Jack Bauer uses Chase Edmonds’ hand as a lucky key-chain.
2202) Jack Bauer is President Bush’s new Social Security plan.
2203) Jack Bauer can get anywhere in minutes... seconds.
No matter what the traffic situation is.
2204) Jack Bauer once won a boxing match against Rocky. With his hands tied behind his back.
2205) Jack Bauer whispers to get you close enough to stab you in the neck.
2206) When playing baseball Jack Bauer always gets a walk because he has four balls at all times.
2207) If there was a bomb on a 60 second timer and Jack was handcuffed, he would dial CTU with his nose and disable the bomb with his teeth.
2208) Jack Bauer’s in-box has no spam. Spammers are terrified of Jack Bauer.
2209) Jack Bauer can give an orgasm to a chair by sitting on it.
2210) The Friends would get off the couch in Central Perk if Jack Bauer wanted to sit there.
2211) Jack Bauer flavors his food with gun powder and grated bullets.
2212) Jack Bauer rolled doubles three times in Monopoly but didn’t go to jail, he advanced to “GO”.
2213) Jack Bauer once appeared in a Staples commercial... he broke the easy button because everything comes easy to Jack Bauer.
2214) Dead men tell no tales. Except to Jack Bauer.
2215) Jack Bauer can milk anything with nipples, even men.
2216) Jackie Chan learnt everything from Jack Bauer. Bruce Lee didn’t : He died
2217) All of the guns used on 24 aren’t real, yet Jack’s gun managed to fire and kill a man on set. When everyone began to question how it was possible, Jack slowly rolled up his sleeves. The cameramen quickly resumed filming.
2218) Jack Bauer has just shot you, but it was above the knee cap. You can still walk, so don’t worry, you’ll be just fine.
2219) Jack Bauer didn’t fire his boss. He terminated him.
2220) Jack Bauer heard that people were submitting Chuck Norris quotes with his name. Since Jack ate Chuck for breakfast, and you are what you eat, they all apply.
2221) Jack Bauer doesn’t wait for the bus, the bus waits for Jack Bauer.
2222) Because of Jack Bauer, car dealers now offer customers an optional handle in which terrorists can be tied to while being tortured.
2223) Jack Bauer wouldn’t accept your friendship on the facebook.
2224) When Jack Bauer goes into space, he weighs more.
2225) Harley Davidson was originally named Bauer Davidson, but Jack refused to have his name associated with such a pussy bike.
2226) Jack Bauer shook the hand of a gay black guy and cured AIDS.
2227) Jack Bauer thinks Walker Texas Ranger is a baseball team.
2228) Jack Bauer’s real name is Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland. No. Really. It is.
2229) For Jack Bauer, everything on Wendy’s menu costs a dollar.
2230) Anytime Jack Bauer makes a list, when he gets to #24 his trigger finger twitches.
2231) When Kim Bauer got the part in “Girl Next Door” Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren’t going to be combined with that of a humans.
2232) Someone asked me how my day went, and I told them, “I feel like Jack Bauer just questioned me.”
2233) Jack Bauer is never charged the $2 fee when using foreign ATM machines.
2234) Jack Bauer’s penis is 3 inches, from the ground.
2235) Jack Bauer paid the cougar and Kevin Dillon to keep Kim busy in Season 2. But, alas, Kim escaped because she is, of course, half Jack Bauer.
2236) When playing Snakes and Ladders, Jack Bauer climbs the snakes and eats the ladders.
2237) Whenever Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida and David Palmer are all
in Los Angeles at the same time, something goes wrong.
2238) Jack Bauer’s semen has anti-viral properties, sex with him can cure AIDS, Herpes and the common cold.
2239) When Jack Bauer said, “You’ve read my profile” he really meant, “You’ve spent 45 minutes reading facts about me on that website, you know what I’m capable of.”
2240) Before Jack Bauer went to Vegas, the slot machine was known as the “two-armed bandit”.
2241) Jack Bauer use to be an American Gladiator but was fired when he killed a middle eastern contestant during a super-powerball practice run.
2242) If Jack Bauer said the world was flat. You better believe him.
2243) When Jack Bauer was a young catholic boy, he molested the priest.
2244) Jack Bauer once ate six saltine crackers in under 60 seconds, without a single sip of water.
2245) Jack Bauer once saw two gay men making out. They immediately turned straight.
2246) On June 6 2025 09:27, Alzheimer will attack Jack bauer. On June 6 2025 09:29, he’ll have made it forget him.
2247) You know that series of unfortunate events book series? Jack Bauer caused those.
2248) Jack Bauer can draw a perfectly straight line without a ruler.
2249) Unlike the hordes of CTU agents at his disposal, Jack Bauer doesn’t need body armor. His skin is made of kevlar.
2250) Everyone wants to be on Jack Bauer’s team when he plays multiplayer Rainbow Six online.
2251) Ashton Kutcher got Punk’d by Jack Bauer.
2252) Jack Bauer once faked his own death by hiding in the stomach of Edgar Stiles for 2 seasons solely surviving on Big Macs and Krispy Kreme donuts.
2253) A Jack Bauer interrogation has been scientifically proven more effective and accurate than the strongest truth serums known to man.
2254) Jack Bauer has recently been appointed as the new head of the Danish complaints department in Pakistan. They request that people take a number so they can order the correct number of body bags.
2255) Jack Bauer ONLY eats the crust.
2256) Jack Bauer was kicked out of the army for shoving a towel down a colleagues throat after he dropped his soap by Jack’s feet, and winked.
2257) When God needed some ideas for the Ten Plagues, he went to Jack Bauer.
2258) Jack Bauer won the slam dunk contest without jumping.
2259) If you sit at a poker game with Jack Bauer, look around the table, and can’t decide who the sucker is, you’re probably dead now.
2260) A little known fact is that Jack Bauer has a sensitive side that takes baths and lights scented candles. The tough side of Jack held sensitive Jack’s head under the water until he confessed that he was in fact the mole in CTU.
2261) Jack Bauer creates enough fear to turn black men white. The first example of this ability is Eminem.
2262) The liquid solution that CTU injects into suspected terrorists during interrogation is actually Jack Bauer’s semen. It isn’t pain the subject feels, but rather a crippling sensory overload of pleasure, on contact. No human body can withstand it.
2263) Don’t worry if the nerve gas goes off, Jack Bauer will inhale it and then blow it on the terrorists, and Cummings.
2264) The truth is out there, but only Jack Bauer knows the truth.
2265) Jack Bauer puts the ‘terror’ in terrorists.
2266) If Jack Bauer were a soup, it would be called “Cream of Death”
2267) Jack Bauer once took every drug known to man and then took a nap.
2268) People think that every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. That is only the nice story your parents told you. In truth, every time a bell rings another terrorist has just gone to hell.
2269) Jack Bauer can win the world series of poker without being dealt a hand.
2270) Jack Bauer doesn’t have a mother. As an impatient sperm, he shot out of his father and flew around looking for an egg to fertilize. He was unable to find an egg, and ended up running into a bullet, which he fertilized instead.
2271) When Jack Bauer uses heroine, it is the drug that gets high out of Jack, not the other way around.
2272) When Jack Bauer makes love, he does it with a knife to your throat.
Just to be safe.
2273) Jack Bauer lied to the devil and got away with it - we now celebrate this occasion as Easter.
2274) Jack Bauer wrote 27 of the top 30 facts about Chuck Norris. The authors of the three he did not write, are dead.
2275) In 2010, our legal system will change. We will no longer swear to God, we will swear to Jack Bauer.
2276) Jack Bauer pees blind folded, and shits standing up straight. Just because he wants a challenge.
2277) Jack Bauer doesn’t ask, he commands.
2278) Jack Bauer’s nerves set off every metal in an airport when he walks in.
2279) Jack Bauer’s penis has 14 kills.
2280) Jack Bauer found his parents having sex, and tortured his father to learn of his primary objective.
2281) The only thing Jack Bauer ever prays for is that they never get rid of night and weekend minutes.
2282) Jack Bauer won the four-man bobsled event at the 2006 Olympics, by himself.
2283) Jack Bauer taught Jesus how to die and then come back to life.
2284) When Tony Montana said “Say hello to my little friend,” he meant Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer proceeded to kill Tony for calling him little. For Jack Bauer, a “little” goes a long way.
2285) The people at Konami refer “Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start” as ‘Jack Bauer mode’.
2286) The real reason “24” wasn’t cancelled in its first season is that Jack Bauer spoke to the Fox executives through the TV screen and threatened them with towels.
2287) Magnum is Jack Bauer’s standard look.
2288) Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses because his eyes can steal men’s souls.
2289) Jack Bauer once fell into quicksand. Lucky for Jack, he had his gun with him and shot his way out of it.
2290) “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” is tattooed on the inside of Jack’s eyelids.
2291) Jack Bauer is a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman. Thanks to Nina Meyers, no one understands him.
2292) When asked what he most enjoys about his work, Jack Bauer responded, “There’s nothing like stabbing a terrorist in the chest and watching him writhe around in pain, looking into his eyes knowing that my face is the last thing he’ll ever see alive. I feel as if I’m devouring his soul. As he’s inhaling his last breath, sometimes I like to whisper into his ear that I just nailed his wife, even if I hadn’t, but I usually had. Then after he dies I’ll go back to his house and nail his wife, just to be sure. After all, I’m just doing my job.”
2293) Jack Bauer showers in acid rain.
2294) Driving your car over a cliff is not enough to compensate the fact that you betrayed Jack Bauer. Heller deserved worse.
2295) Jack Bauer never has to blow his NES cartridges more than once.
2296) Jack Bauer, in order to escape a terrorist trap, once ate his own left hand. When he got out, a new hand, a machine gun, and six bears grew back in its place.
2297) Jack Bauer cannot be shot by bullets, he can interrogate the bullets in the middle of the air into not hitting him.
2298) Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light. That’s why 24 hours to him is actually 18 hours to the rest of us.
2299) New Yorkers thought the Statue of Liberty wasn’t doing her job, so they replaced her with Jack Bauer.
2300) The day Jack Bauer was born, every terrorist in the world got the chills.
2301) The little light in Jack Bauer’s refrigerator stays on even after the door is closed.
2302) Jack Bauer ran into an elephant, then the elephant fell down.
2303) John Hancock is renowned for making his Jack Bauer on the Declaration of Independence.
2304) You better trust Jack Bauer, cause you don’t want to go down that road with him.
2305) A man once told Jack Bauer that guns should be banned. Historians agree that this is the worst mistake anyone has ever made in the history of the world.
2306) Jack Bauer does not need paper in order to torture somebody with paper cuts.
2307) Bauer clotheslined a chick in Peru with his erection, while walking in Chicago.
2308) In the evil, Mirror Mirror universe, Jack Bauer is exactly the same. He beats the shit out of everybody. The only difference is that he has a beard.
2309) Black people are jealous of the size of Jack Bauer’s penis.
2310) When Jack Bauer learned how much radiaton George Mason had been exposed to he shrugged and stated: “That’s the amount I have for breakfast actually.”
2311) While running through a California desert ten years ago, Jack Bauer cut himself and a single drop of blood fell to the ground. Today they call that desert the Redwood National Forest.
2312) Jack Bauer has made his own newspaper that only prints insulting cartoons of the prophet Mohammed. It is now the biggest selling publication in the Arab world.
2313) In the game of Euchre there are 24 cards. The most powerful card? That would be the Bower (pronounced Bauer)... a Jack, of course.
2314) Jack Bauer can eat hotwings without napkins.
2315) Jack Bauer can barbecue in airplane lavatories.
2316) If Jack Bauer had broken into Watergate, Nixon wouldn’t have resigned. As a fringe benefit, there would be no Democrats older than 50 alive today.
2317) Jack Bauer dips his nachos in plutonium.
2318) Jack Bauer does not wash his clothes. Jack Bauer’s clothes stay clean for fear of reprisals.
2319) You may want to think twice about ordering a double Jack and Coke.
2320) Jack Bauer can come up with a word that rhymes with “purpose”.
2321) When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, acid falls from the sky.
2322) A Nintendo representative asked Jack Bauer how his TV got 4 holes in it after playing Duck Hunt. Jack replied, “I only had 4 bullets left.”
2323) The presidents wife shows a lot of cleavage because Jack Bauer demands it.
2324) Jack trained for nine years with monk blackbelts to learn how to talk on three cell phones with extreme intensity at the same time.
2325) Jack Bauer is such a bad ass that as a Boy Scout he earned all his merit badges in one day.
2326) Never tell Jack Bauer to go to hell, because that’s exactly where he’ll send you once he’s through with you.
2327) Jack Bauer invented Everclear because Listerine wasn’t good enough to gargle.
2328) Bedbugs tell their kids not to let Jack Bauer bite when they put them to bed.
2329) Jack Bauer could beat Edgar Stiles in a pie eating contest.
2330) If the Vietkong caught Jack Bauer, they would still be torturing him by now. And he would still be smiling.
2331) Executions by lethal injection are carried out using Jack Bauer’s semen.
2332) Jack Bauer had sex with every woman in Africa and still didn’t get AIDS.
2333) If Jack Bauer was in Independence Day it would have been called The 1st of July.
2334) The last time Jack Bauer sneezed, Dorothy’s house ended up in Oz.
2335) One time, Jack Bauer stubbed his toe, and subsequently destroyed the entire country of Saudi Arabia.
2336) Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night.
2337) Jack Bauer is mentioned in the Bible 24 times.
2338) Paul Raines didn’t die from his injuries. He died of pure amazement when he saw the one and only Jack Bauer trying resuscitate him.
2339) At the gym, Tommy Lee caught a glimpse of Jack Bauer getting changed in the locker room. Tommy Lee was jealous.
2340) Mandy is a lesbian because Jack Bauer rejected her.
2341) Jack Bauer always wins Pong in one move.
2342) The real reason the NHL ended the lockout last summer was not because the owners and players finally agreed to a contract. It was because Jack Bauer wanted to see some hockey games (when he wasn’t killing terrorists).
2343) Jack Bauer once took steroids to try and shrink his giant fucking balls... It didn’t work.
2344) If Jack Bauer liked men then gay marriage would be made legal in all fifty states.
2345) Jack Bauer can go back to the future without going 88 miles an hour.
2346) Jack Bauer saved 20% by switching to Geico. And it only took him 10 minutes.
2347) Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Unless Jack Bauer is the man who taught you how to fish. Then your lifetime is very close to over.
2348) Wearing a bullet proof vest is like wearing a pink dress to Jack Bauer. He simply needs to flex in order to stop bullets.
2349) Jack Bauer touches raw chicken and doesn’t wash his hands.
2350) The Roman Empire fell because they saw into the future that one day a man known as “Jack Bauer” would be born.
2351) Jack Bauer gave the sun a sunburn.
2352) Jack Bauer doesn’t need TiVo. Whatever he wants to watch is on TV anytime he turns it on.
2353) Jack Bauer does not smell what The Rock is cookin’.
2354) Contrary to popular belief, Jack Bauer is the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
2355) Jack Bauer can find his own fucking job, Erin. Thank you.
2356) Jack Bauer has died, retired, quit, and gone into hiding so many times he has no idea how much money is in his 401k, but he doesn’t care because he plans on taking yours.
2357) If Jack Bauer asks if you have a visual on the suspect, and your answer is “No”... you better hope CTU does something real fast.
2358) In Season 3 Jack Bauer “distracted” an armed terrorist using only a lighter, some bullets, and a tin can. He then shot the man anyway.
2359) Jack Bauer wants to know, “Who are all of these fucking camera men!?”
2360) Jack Bauer was the only person that voted for Palmer.
2361) Only Jack Bauer can give hickeys that are to die for.
2362) When Jack Bauer microwaves a burrito, it isn’t cold in the middle.
2363) When Jack Bauer sees a sign saying “slippery when wet” he hovers.
2364) Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night because the sun never sets on a badass.
2365) Jack Bauer always gets Blackjack in Vegas. Always.
2366) After torturing Copernicus, Jack Bauer got him to admit that the solar system revolved not around the sun, but around his gigantic balls.
2367) A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walked into a bar. The minister was a terrorist and was immediately shot by Jack Bauer.
2368) Jack Bauer is stronger than heroin.
2369) Jack Bauer shoots more than Peter North.
2370) Clocks tick to Jack Bauer’s beat.
2371) Jack Bauer can look at white rice and turn it brown.
2372) Jack Bauer refuses to impregnate anyone but himself. He says others DNA would make his children weak.
2373) Radioactive fallout won’t mutate Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer mutates the radiation.
2374) Jack Bauer did not drop Habib Marwan to his death because Marwan cut his hand; Jack Bauer is immune to pain. He dropped him because Marwan has sweaty hands. Very, very sweaty hands.
2375) The only reason Jack Bauer cried over Terri’s death was because that unborn child had so much potential.
2376) Lil Jon was soft spoken until Jack Bauer told him to “Speak the Fuck up.”
2377) Jack Bauer once wiped out an entire Chinese restaurant because he thought there was a bomb in his fortune cookie.
2378) In the Season 5 prequel on the Season 4 DVD, Jack Bauer has long, Jesus like hair. Coincidence? I think not.
2379) The only reason Jack Bauer gets captured by terrorists is to lure them into a false sense of security. Then, when they get cocky, he can take them out with the soundwaves from his gruff voice.
2380) Even though Jack Bauer isn’t big and green, don’t make him angry. You won’t like him when he is angry.
2381) Kim is half Jack Bauer, half human. Enough said.
2382) If Jack Bauer was Canadian, he would do the same job, with the same results, but without a gun.
2383) When Tony Montana said, ‘Say Hello to my little friend,’ he was talking about Jack Bauer.
2384) Jack Bauer jousted Sir Lancelot with a toothpick. And won.
2385) Jack Bauer demanded to see the stars, so the clouds moved out of the way.
2386) Jack Bauer was unhappy because God didn’t let Jack into heaven for all his sins but cheered up after he was able to eternally torture Nina, Drazen and Marwan in hell.
2387) Professional wrestler “Mr. Perfect” did not die due to a heart attack. He was killed when Jack Bauer found out someone was using his assumed alias as a stage name.
2388) Jack Bauer can actually listen to his girlfriend talk.
2389) It took this website’s admin up to a week to post this fact. Jack Bauer would’ve had it up in 24 hours.
2390) Jack Bauer wouldn’t pray with Logan.
2391) The highest possible score in a perfect game of bowling is 300. Jack Bauer once bowled and got 600... just because he can.
2392) When Jack Bauer goes out for dinner, he goes to the slaughterhouse.
2393) Jack Bauer was once at a club and was asked if he could break dance. Minutes later the dance floor was littered with broken bodies.
2394) Jack Bauer can beat Contra on NES without entering the cheat code.
2395) Jack Bauer doesn’t ask, he commands.
2396) Jack Bauer never gets cavities, tooth decay is afraid to go in his mouth.
2397) Jack Bauer does not use a keycard, the doors open in sheer terror.
2398) You can now abolish the IRS by having them audit Jack Bauer.
2399) Jack Bauer’s favorite part about school was pulling all-nighters.
2400) Jack Bauer’s preferred method of killing terrorists is actually just pointing his gun in the general direction he wants to shoot and using his sheer force of will to realign time and space so that the bullet from the gun is now in the terrorist. Triggers are for the weak.
2401) If you’re being interrogated and you hear Jack say “hacksaw”, say goodbye to your head.
2402) Legend has it that Jack Bauer actually cried for two days straight. After he was done, oceans had flooded and he had those two days erased from time. The days were February 30th and 31st.
2403) Jack Bauer made the Bermuda Triangle disappear.
2404) Jack Bauer’s healing factor is so powerful he doesn’t brush his teeth at night. Jack Bauer just punches all his teeth out his mouth and grows a new set by next morning.
2405) Jack Bauer knows Who’s the Boss? Him.
2406) An inventor came up with an electric Jack Bauer. They call it the electric chair.
2407) Congress is only in session when Jack Bauer is out of town, otherwise nothing would get done. People don’t work well in fear.
2408) When interrogating a suspect, they say everyone has a breaking point, for most it takes hours, maybe days to crack someone. Give Jack Bauer one bullet and it’ll take 2 seconds, gun and hacksaw optional.
2409) Jack Bauer doesn’t watch for falling stars. He causes them.
2410) We now understand how Desmond really got on the “LOST” island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
2411) Jack Bauer has been torturing mountain lions in the hope of getting information on the one that terrorized his daughter.
2412) Jack Bauer’s sperm is expected to surpass breast cancer as a “leading killer of women” this year.
2413) The Ice Age only occurred because Jack Bauer was giving God the cold shoulder.
2414) Some people watch TV or read to unwind after a long day at work. Jack Bauer holds up gas stations.
2415) Terri Schiavo responded to Jack Bauer’s commands when nobody else was in the room.
2416) Jack Bauer drinks lighter fluid and pisses fire.
2417) Jack Bauer doesn’t sleep. He absorbs the sleep every person he killed had before he killed them.
2418) Texas does not “Hold ‘Em”, Jack Bauer does.
And he holds Texas too.
2419) Jack Bauer has never lost The Game. Jack Bauer invented The Game
2420) Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.
2421) The only person that injures Jack Bauer is Jack Bauer.
2422) Jack Bauer is the reason snakes don’t have legs.
2423) Jack once ripped a mans heart out and showed it to him. Then realized he had the wrong guy. Put it back in him, did CPR, saved his life and then shot for getting blood on his super-cell phone.
2424) Jack Bauer is 100% death proof.
2425) After beating up Walt during filming of Season 5, Jack said “Looks like Walt Cummings is now Walt Goings.”
While Tony Almeda was able to force a chuckle, Michelle Dessler and David Palmer didn’t laugh.
The rest is history.
2426) As a kid, Jack Bauer molested priests.
2427) When your mother dies, you will find a sealed envelope hidden in her dresser. Enclosed within will be a letter that tells you that Jack Bauer is, in fact, your father.
2428) Kim is an Ashlee Simpson fan. It’s the only reason she is on the radio.
2429) Jack’s 401K looks great with his best real estate investment - cemetery plots.
2430) “The Lost Boys” is a documentary on Jack Bauer’s early undercover work infiltrating a group of vampire terrorists.
2431) Jack Bauer’s favorite air freshener scent is “vanilla napalm”.
2432) Jack Bauer pours water into acids.
2433) Children don’t believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.
2434) When Jack Bauer wants to beat a video game, he just turns the system on.
2435) The universe was not created by GOD, or the big bang theory. It was actually created when Jack Bauer survived a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face and then removed norris’s intestines.
2436) Jack Bauer will hurt you before he kills you. Luckily, you have the choice of how much you want it to hurt.
2437) Jack Bauer hates WACH-TV 57 in South Carolina, and broke the fingers of both news anchors before knocking them out. No newscast cuts off the last 10 minutes of his show.
2438) Jack Bauer wouldn’t need a hydraulic press, he could kill a terminator with his bare hands.
2439) Jack Bauer completes his missions in 24 hours because he hates going home with a messy desk.
2440) The ref who blew the call in the Pittsburgh/Indianapolis game recently suffered a heart attack. He found out that Jack Bauer was a Steelers fan.
2441) Jack Bauer is the only man who can exceed a buddy list limit... without the help of Chloe.
2442) Jack Bauer can smoke cigarettes on an airplane.
2443) Someone went on MTV’s show MADE once to try to become Jack Bauer. There is a reason this episode never aired.
2444) It’s a little known fact that a book was written loosely based on the life of Jack Bauer. That book was the Bible.
2445) Jack Bauer can do long division in his head.
2446) In season 3, Michelle was immune to the virus. This is because later that day she had a quickie with Jack Bauer in situation room 1.
2447) When the stock market goes down, Jack Bauer still makes money.
2448) Jack Bauer could fill a pool with the blood of those he’s killed, unfortunately I don’t think he could fit the Pacific Ocean in his backyard.
2449) Jack Bauer doesn’t need music in his iPod commercials. Either you buy it, or else.
2450) Jack Bauer doesn’t have IRS withholdings taken out of his check. The IRS has Bauer Refund withholdings taken out of their funds.
2451) Jack Bauer is responsible for continental drift.
2452) Jack Bauer’s gun was specifically made for him. If Chase or Tony ever fired it, the sheer power of it would cause their arm to rip off. That’s why it’s so loud, and also why every agent other than Jack gets injured.
2453) Jack Bauer didn’t really need a hacksaw.
2454) Jack Bauer’s 13 round HK magazine can actually hold 15 bullets.
2455) Kevin Bacon always makes sure to stay at least 7 steps away from Jake Bauer.
2456) There’s only one man Jack Bauer can trust, and no it’s not Tony Almeda. It’s Jack Bauer, of course.
2457) Jack Bauer doesn’t get crabs. He gets lobsters.
2458) Give me liberty or give me Jack Bauer.
2459) Jack Bauer was born with one leg, he now takes Viagra every day so he can walk.
2460) Only Jack Bauer can have his picture taken, and take the picture... at the same time.
2461) What Jack Bauer whispered into Nina Myers’ ear is so badass, your head would explode upon hearing or reading it. Nina merely went insane because it was whispered to her.
2462) Jack Bauer does not bleed, he’s donating it for research.
2463) Jack Bauer cried in his car like a little girl. However he killed 782 people before this and therefore is a man.
2464) Why you never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom? He has Edgar Stiles go for him.
2465) Jack Bauer smiling is like a rattlesnake coiling for a strike.
2466) Jack Bauer successfully went over Niagara Falls without a barrel.
2467) Jack Bauer is on a freighter bound for China. 17 terrorists attempt to attack the US from Toronto. Coincidence?
2468) Jack Bauer can substitute Z’s for vowels in Scrabble.
2469) Gas prices in California never rise for Jack Bauer.
2470) Jack Bauer killed the person who claimed to be “The Man”. Jack Bauer then insisted that people who think they are sweet refer to themselves as “Jack Bauer”.
2471) Of course Jack Bauer knows kung-fu. Just don’t expect him to use it.
2472) Jack Bauer is never caught in traffic. That is because other vehicles fear Jack Bauer and stay out of his way.
2473) If God and Jack Bauer were to fight, it would be God that was in a Flank-2 position.
2474) If Jack Bauer had 20, and the dealer had an Ace, Jack would always double down.
2475) When a girl does not make Jack Bauer finish, she gets blue balled.
2476) When Jack Bauer gets thirsty, he interrogates the CEO of Pepsi into revealing which bottles are free soda winners, and kills the other bottles for not cooperating.
2477) A bird in hand is better than two in the bush. Jack Bauer never heard this before. He ate all three birds.
2478) Jack Bauer tortured the Tower of Terror at Walt Disney World in order to learn it’s primary objective.
2479) Moses parted the Red Sea. The Red Sea would part for Jack.
2480) Jack Bauer is the thing that goes “bump” in the night.
2481) Jack Bauer used to beat the crap out of his older cousin for having the same initials as him. his cousin now works for MI6.
2482) One time Jack Bauer was asked to bring a known terrorist back to CTU for questioning. After being gone for three hours, Jack returned covered in blood and carrying a six foot party sub, which he then ate all by himself in a single sitting.
2483) When playing hide-and-go-seek with terrorists, Jack Bauer counts to infinity before kicking their asses.
2484) Jack Bauer does not need a gun to kill people. He might as well torture you into killing yourself.
2485) Jack Bauer is the apex of human evolution.
2486) The TV Series “The Shield” was based on a wet dream Jack Bauer told a friend about.
2487) Jack Bauer takes more shots then Allen Iverson.
2488) The only reason that Chuck Norris is not Jack Bauer’s bitch is that Jack doesn’t like to lie down on the job.
2489) If Jack Bauer had killed Jesus, there never would have been a resurrection.
2490) When Jack Bauer read “Dianetics”, he killed L. Ron Hubbard for mental terrorism.
2491) GWB wasn’t lying about the war with Iraq, it was to find the weapons of mass destruction. It was to retrieve Jack Bauer from Iraq, the war was a cover up for all the destruction he left behind.
2492) If Jack Bauer was on PTI, there would be no Interruption, and if there was he sure as hell wouldn’t Pardon it.
2493) There is no leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. Jack Bauer shot it seven times, interrogating it for information relevant to the location of a nuclear warhead.
2494) Jack Bauer was actually born Jewish, but was forced to leave the faith as an infant when, during his bris, he grabbed the little snips and jammed them into the mohle’s neck for daring to come near his penis with them.
2495) When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.
2496) Someone once said “Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuckk the prom queen” Jack fucked the prom queen. Twice.
2497) Jack Bauer’s nickname is “Taco Bell” because he makes terrorists run for the border.
2498) Jack Bauer can play a string quartet by himself.
2499) Jack Bauer filled up his GMail in 23 Hours and 59 secs.
2500) Cindy Crawford’s mole makes Jack Bauer want to torture her for information.
2501) When Jack Bauer takes a dump he doesn’t have to flush because his shit is so scared of him it goes straight to the drain by itself.
2502) The only thing that slows Jack Bauer down is having to use call-waiting.
2503) When Kim’s 4th grade teacher threatened her with detention if she didn’t finish her homework, Jack Bauer shot him between the eyes. Jack Bauer doesn’t like threats.
2504) Jack Bauer destroyed the rainforest to print out his autobiography.
2505) Jack Bauer’s Rice Krispies make no noise. Snap, Crackle and Pop were too noisy for him to complete his breakfast mission.
2506) Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer. The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
2507) Jack Bauer’s mother once caught him with his hand in the cookie jar when he was a child, he wanted the cookie, so he shot her.
2508) When someone says “Hijack!” they are literally saying hi to Jack Bauer.
2509) In Season 5 episode 5. When Jack Bauer was attacked by the assassin, he didn’t crack Jack Bauer’s rib. Jack Bauer’s rib cracked the assassin’s fist.
2510) Jack Bauer is dead on the inside, so that you can be alive on the outside.
2511) The heavy metal band Slayer wrote the song “Raining Blood” about Jack Bauer. Jack loves heavy metal. And rain made of blood.
2512) Regis once asked Jack Bauer if it was his final answer. He now has what once no one thought possible - more plastic surgery than Kathie Lee.
2513) Jack Bauer considers hooking a car battery up to his testicles foreplay.
2514) Jack Bauer can do the Moonwalk on water.
2515) Welcome to the Jack Bauer Comedy Club. Rule #1 - laugh only when Jack laughs, which will be never.
2516) If you are ever going to testify against a crime, make sure Jack Bauer doesn’t know because he may saw off your head in order to gain a “legit” cover with the bad guys.
2517) Jack Bauer fucked more terrorists than a Palestinian hooker on a deadline.
2518) Jack Bauer can un-bust myths that the Mythbusters busted, and vice versa.
2519) Jack Bauer’s hotness is responsible for global warming.
2520) After taking Levitra, Jack Bauer has 24 hour erections. He kills terrorists instead of seeking immediate medical attention.
2521) Jack Bauer only kills one group of people on this earth: terrorists and liberals and the French.
2522) The original cut of Peter Jackson’s King Kong included a scene where Jack Bauer body slams King Kong through the Empire State Building. Peter Jackson later decided to cut this scene because it made Kong look “weak.” Jack Bauer is on his way to go visit Peter Jackson before the King Kong DVD release.
2523) When you sneeze, it’s Jack Bauer’s spirit punching you in the face.
2524) Altoids aren’t too strong for Jack Bauer, he’s too strong for them.
2525) I have some good news, Geico just save hundreds by hiring Jack Bauer.
2526) Jack Bauer caught a fly with chopsticks his fist try.
2527) Jack Bauer doesn’t watch TV. TVs watch Jack Bauer.
2528) Jack Bauer thinks Martini’s shaken not stirred are for pussies.
2529) Jack Bauer is the Macgiver of torture.
2530) Jack Bauer doesn’t eat cereal. Instead he eats .9mm Casing Crunch. He killed the Captain.
2531) Jack Bauer was the name of the horse that paralyzed Superman.
2532) Jack Bauer keeps a gun in his couch. You don’t want to know what he keeps in his La-Z-Boy.
2533) Cattle stampedes are what happens when Jack Bauer gets hungry.
2534) Jack Bauer found Bobby Fischer.
2535) LA smog is not due to automobile pollution. It is due to the constant corpse fires for all the terrorists slain at the hands of Jack Bauer.
2536) Jack Bauer really enjoys a good steak. When he is asked how he wants it prepared, Jack simply walks into the kitchen and takes a bite out of the cow. He then returns to his seat and dabs his face with the napkin. This is usually followed by a Snapple.
2537) You don’t wanna say “Hello” to Jack Bauer’s little friend.
2538) The Titanic didn’t sink because it hit an iceberg, it collided with Jack Bauer.
2539) Prior to joining the CTU, Jack Bauer was expelled from Culinary Institute of America for shooting three of the head instructors... They didn’t have enough thyme.
2540) Black holes aren’t black holes. That’s the gravitational pull from Jack Bauer’s Balls.
2541) Family pictures in God’s wallet... Just Jack.
2542) The day will soon arrive that Jack Bauer’s icy stare can cause a human head to explode.
2543) Heath Ledger wishes he could quit Jack Bauer.
2544) John Holmes saw Jack Bauer naked in the locker room once, and had to cover himself in shame.
2545) Jack Bauer knows where the beef is.
2546) There is indeed a bullet with Jack Bauer’s name on it. Soon after it was made, he led a field operation to recover the bullet and ate it. Thus Jack Bauer has made himself invulnerable to conventional weapons.
2547) Jack Bauer is hung like an 8 year old. No, seriously... his penis is the size of a small boy.
2548) If you pretend that you are retarded, Jack will not hurt you.
2549) Jack Bauer once owned a Nintendo. Once he discovered that the princess was in another castle, Jack tortured the game for 30 seconds. The Nintendo blew up as a result, and Jack hasn’t owned a game console since.
2550) Jack Bauer has the power to resurrect the dead.
He just always chooses to kill them again for satisfaction of saying he killed them.
2551) If Jack Bauer was on American Idol, he would win because all other contestants would be too scared to sing.
2552) Jack could strangle you with his penis if he needed to save bullets.
2553) Tsunamis occur when Jack Bauer flushes his toilet.
2554) On the website HotorNot.com, there is a scale above the maximum of 10. To this day, no one has obtained a Jack Bauer/10.
2555) In the shadows, a team of CIA specialists follow Jack Bauer at all times, ready to collect his tears for chemical warfare production.
2556) Jack Bauer made duct tape for the common man.
2557) When Jack Bauer masturbates, he doesn’t say he’s going to jerkoff, he say’s “it’s time to punish my genitals”.
2558) Jack Bauer cooks his three minute flapjacks in two minutes.
2559) Jack Bauer doesn’t sing the Oscar Myer Wiener song, because he is no wiener and is already loved by everyone.
2560) Every day for Jack Bauer gets increasingly worse. So every day we see Jack Bauer, it’s on the worst day of his life.
2561) There was no Sentox nerve gas in CTU. Jack Bauer just farted.
2562) Jack Bauer does not spray and pray. He sprays, and you pray.
2563) Jack Bauer is so tough, he eats Campbell’s Chunky soup with a Bowie knife.
2564) If Jack Bauer ever lived in Russia, the Mafia would either move to Antarctica, or never exist.
2565) When Jack Bauer drops the soap, black people pick it up.
2566) David Blain held his breath for 7 minutes underwater, James Heller did it for 3 hours.
2567) Jack Bauer never gets the watery stuff when using ketchup from the bottle, even if he doesn’t shake it first.
2568) Young Jack Bauer swore like a sailor. And then washed his parents’ mouths out with soap.
2569) In the beginning, there was a being named MacBauer. He was too powerful for his own good, so he was forced to split in half. One half became MacGuyver and the other Jack Bauer. The forces expelled from the split, science refers to as “The Big Bang” that created our universe.
Should Jack Bauer and MacGuyver ever meet, their combined forces would recreate MacBauer and bring our world to a sudden, violent end.
2570) People don’t go to Jack Bauer’s house for Halloween because he hands out cans of whoop-ass to everybody.
2571) Jack Bauer doesn’t take a dump. He leaves it.
2572) Jack Bauer never takes a piss, because his urine is afraid to come out.
2573) Walt Cummings has shit himself an average of 2.5x per episode due to Jack Bauer.
2574) In Season 2 when Jack is stripped down by the terrorists before torture, the camera caught a glimpse of his testicles. Unfortunately for viewers, scientists have yet to provide us with a storage medium of adequate capacity to archive Jack’s immense balls.
2575) Jack Bauer gets five downs.
2576) Jack Bauer doesn’t sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death.
2577) Whenever Jack Bauer’s cars run out of gas, he simply does one of two things: either hotwires another person’s car or points a gun at another person and takes it. Basically he is the Federal Agent equivalent of “Grand Theft Auto”.
2578) Jack Bauer has fucked up more black guys than Hurricane Katrina.
2579) Jack Bauer does not need eyes, he can smell a terrorist 15 miles away, and can hear the fear in their heads from 2 miles away.
2580) Jack Bauer only uses a razor on other people, never on his face.
2581) Jack Bauer killed Jack Black for using the slogan “Jack is Back” during the super bowl commercial.
2582) Jack has dated every woman under an assumed identity at some point in time - including your girlfriend and your mother.
2583) If Jack Bauer has sex with you, you won’t stand straight for a week.
2584) Jack Bauer didn’t quit smoking. He just quit smoking cigarettes. Non-filtered wasn’t strong enough, so he moved on to exhaust pipes.
2585) Audrey couldn’t handle the size of Jack’s penis, which is why she used Paul’s death as an excuse to break up with him.
2586) Al Roker lost all the weight because Jack Bauer scared the crap out of him.
2587) The creators of the 007 movies offered Keifer Sutherland a position as the new James Bond. They then re-named the movie to, “0024.”
2588) Jack Bauer slits his wrists and does pushups in a pool of rubbing alcohol.
2589) Jack Bauer knows the Cadbury Secret, the Kernels Secret Recipe, and weather you’re naughty or nice.
2590) Jack Bauer can turn back time by flying around the Earth like Superman, but doesn’t because it’s too easy.
2591) When Jack Bauer drinks milk he doesn’t just get a mustache, he gets and entire beard.
2592) MTV Room Raiders once tried to kidnap Kim and put her in on their show. Jack Bauer shot the men instantly. MTV has never tried to Raid Kim’s room again.
2593) Jack Bauer remembers the Alamo.
2594) Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson’s Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
2595) Ford is doing better than GM because Jack Bauer drives a Ford Expedition. Not a Chevy Suburban.
2596) Jack Bauer hates the show Lost.
2597) One time, Jack Bauer ran out of minutes on his cell phone. That was the day of the Northridge earthquake.
2598) Jack Bauer can drink a gallon of milk in under an hour and not throw up.
2599) “The Man” is derived from “Jack Bauer”.
2600) That hanging thing in the back of your throat? Jack Bauer planted it there.
2601) Jack Bauer gives himself paper cuts when he’s bored just to taste blood.
2602) If Jack Bauer had a time machine, Teri still would have died because he would have saw how much more badass he’s become since her death.
2603) The Constitution was signed by Jack Bauer.
2604) Jack Bauer doesn’t perspire, the water in his body simply expires.
2605) Lou Gehrig was once heard to say, “Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.” He was referring of course to the fact that a horrible disease would end his life before Jack Bauer was even born.
2606) Ray Charles went blind after getting his eyes gauged out by Jack Bauer after refusing to give up the location of his heroin stash.
2607) If you break one of Jack Bauer’s ribs he will kill you that much faster.
2608) Jack Bauer loves his country so much, he tortured his brother within an hour of shooting his best friend. Because both were in the best interests of the country.
2609) Jack Bauer joined Delta Force instead of the Navy SEALs because thought the SEALs were too soft, with them playing on the beach all the time.
2610) Jack Bauer never puts a safety on his gun.
2611) To Jack Bauer, the “quicker, picker upper” is when you capture, bind and torture the Brawny paper towel man, making him clean up the mess.
2612) The first name on Schindler’s List was “Jack Bauer”.
2613) Ariel Sharon did not have a stroke. He heard Jack was looking for him and his brain exploded.
2614) Jack Bauer was originally casted as the lead in the movie “Robo Cop,” but was later fired because the director realized that Jack didn’t need to wear the suite to look intimidating.
2615) Jack Bauer hunted down and found the author to the Book of Revelations. After cutting out his left eye with his cell phone antenna, and pounding him with skillfully placed 1 inch punches to his trunk causing internal bleeding, he forced the author to rewrite the ending. The world is no longer going to end.
2616) When Jack Bauer was tortured by the terrorists in season two, he was humiliated. For his revenge, he tea bagged every terrorist to death.
2617) Einstein copied off Jack Bauer’s work. Too bad they were the ones in his garbage.
2618) Jack Bauer’s WWE Wrestling DVDs don’t have the “Please don’t try this at home” warning on them, because there’s nothing WWE wrestlers can do that can possibly hurt Jack Bauer.
2619) Jack Bauer never has late fees on his videos.
2620) When Jack Bauer goes to a strip club he doesn’t get a lapdance, he gets the stage.
2621) Jack Bauer shot the apple out of Newton’s tree.
2622) According to at least one co-worker, Jack Bauer is very good at what he does.
2623) When time stands still, Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.
2624) Enraged, Jack Bauer once ravaged the Earth in search of pertinent information, sparing only a hundred thousand people on the planet.
A book was written about this tragic day... it is called “Revelation.”
2625) Jack Bauer doesn’t have to click the New Fact or the F5 button.
2626) Jack Bauer can get terrorists to talk with the threat of feeding them to Edgar Stiles.
2627) Jack Bauer shits standing up.
2628) Jack Bauer looks in the mirror when he masturbates.
2629) Snape did not kill Dumbledore, Jack Bauer Did.
2630) If Jack Bauer had invented geometry, triangles would have only one side. Jack’s side. It follows, then, that the area of a triangle is equal to Jack squared.
2631) The flux capacitor on Doc Brown’s DeLorean runs on Jack’s blood. One drop generates 1.21 jigowatts of Bauer power. Thousands of Libyan terrorists died for that pint.
2632) Jack Bauer knows what Arabs really have under their turbans.
2633) Jack Bauer was traded for Behrooz and 99 1st round draft picks.
2634) Looking upon some of Jack’s finest handywork, Mike Doyle could only say with utmost respect, “Damn, Jack...”
2635) Jack Bauer does not know his show runs on the same network as the OC. If he did know, he would rape every last person in the OC. Twice. Especially Seth Cohen.
2636) Jack Bauer doesn’t get older. He gets less young.
2637) Jack Bauer was in Al Capone’s vault (he got out).
2638) At the end of season 3, Jack Bauer sticks the dangerous Cordilla Virus detonator into a school refrigerator. Most people think that this was to save the population from a widespread infection. The truth, however, is that Jack Bauer just wanted to make his goddamn lunch milk tastier.
2639) Jack Bauer can drink a beer and piss it simultaneously.
2640) Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for “Dark Angel”, “Titus”, “Undeclared”, “Action”, “That ‘80s Show”, “Wonder Falls”, “Fastlane”, “Andy Richter Controls the Universe”, “Skin”, “Girls Club”, “Cracking Up”, “The Pitts”, “Firefly”, “Get Real”, “Freaky Links”, “Wanda at Large”, “Costello”, “The Lone Gunmen”, “A Minute with Stan Hooper”, “Normal, Ohio”, “Pasadena”, “Harsh Realm”, “Keen Eddie”, “The Street”, “American Embassy”, “Cedric the Entertainer”, “The Tick”, “Louie”, and “Greg the Bunny”. When asked about finding another replacement a Fox executive said “There isn’t anymore time.”
2641) With Jack Bauer, Halloween is every day. Because when somebody tricks Jacks, he’ll get a painful treat.
2642) Earthquakes are a direct result of Jack Bauer taking a shit.
2643) Tom Jones throws his underwear at Jack Bauer.
2644) There is no such thing as Parkinson’s Disease, but there are people who have crossed Jack Bauer and lived to tell about it.
2645) Monday nights when your power goes out its because the mass majority of women and some men are all using their vibrators at the same time.
2646) If you’re playing CounterStrike and Jack Bauer is on the other team, don’t buy the AWP. All you’re doing is saving him $4500 bucks.
2647) Jack Bauer is directly responsible for the peaceful resolution of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
2648) Jack Bauer was born at the age of 30. His mom did not require a C section, Jack Bauer simply shed her skin.
2649) There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer’s doing.
2650) When Jack Bauer jumps out of an airplane, he doesn’t need a parachute. He uses his gigantic balls to break his fall.
2651) If Jack Bauer says he’s doing it “doggie style,” it usually means he’s shooting a dog.
2652) When Kim Bauer killed her first terrorist, Jack Bauer shed a single tear. The tear was so salty that it caused eleven other terrorists in the nearby region to have a stroke. They died instantly.
2653) Roosters crow in the morning after Jack Bauer wakes them.
2654) Many ask what happened to Beruz in season 4. To Jack Bauer the day is a game, and if you leave the designated area without the blessing of Jack you get erased from existence.
2655) When Jack Bauer deals blackjack, he doesn’t have to stand on 17.
2656) Seeing parody cartoons of himself in a Danish newspaper, Jack Bauer proceeded to burn Denmark’s embassy in Damascus. He then broke the necks of the first 10 people to tell him “it’s been done”.
2657) Jack Bauer once fingered 3 girls... with 2 hands
2658) Walt Cummings heart now beats to the rhythm of Jack Bauers punches.
2659) Jack Bauer can eat 7 Saltines in a minute and then wash them down with a gallon of milk.
2660) McDonalds does not love to see Jack Bauer smile.
2661) Vegas dealers dare not question Jack Bauer when he hits on “21” looking for a trey. In fact, they better fucking well pay up when he gets it.
2662) Jack Bauer can send email even if he has exceeded his storage limit.
2663) Jack Bauer once agreed to appear on an episode of Prison Break. It was all part of an elaborate ruse to help Ramon Salazar escape.
The setback delayed the series premiere two years... the inmates are still trying to figure out how he did it.
2664) When CTU didn’t have a hacksaw per his request, Jack used his teeth to cut through the spinal cord of a suspect.
2665) Jack Bauer located the other side of a mobius strip.
2666) Jack Bauer only uses wireless technology. Not because he’s rich, but because wires remind him of Chuck Norris’ penis.
2667) Jack Bauer was once sent onto the TV show Survivor. Once the contest began, Bauer shot everybody he was competing against and instead of giving him the million dollars the producers tried to send him to jail. However, Jack Bauer is no longer tried for murder, the courts just think of this as a fact of life.
2668) Neo, you wanted to know what the Matrix is. Well, Jack Bauer is The Matrix.
2669) Jack Bauer’s Sig reloads it’s self because it’s scared of him.
2670) Towels run in fear of being shoved down people’s throats when Jack Bauer is around.
2671) Jack Bauer’s last girlfriend convinced him to see “Brokeback Mountain.” So he broke her back.
2672) Jack Bauer doesn’t stop at stop signs.
2673) Jack Bauer pisses in the wind.
2674) The immunity idol on Exile Island is Jack Bauer.
2675) After Jack Bauer has sex with women, they require medical attention. Despite his promises to take them to the hospital afterwards, Jack simply shoots them in the face.
2676) Jack Bauer knows who cut the cheese.
2677) Jack Bauer beats the crap into terrorists.
2678) Jack Bauer’s women get hotter every season.
2679) Jack Bauer can save any man, except Edgar Styles. May his soul Rest in Peace.
2680) Jack Bauer waited for Godot once; then Jack Bauer shot him.
2681) If MacGyver and Chuck Norris had a kid, it would look like Jack Bauer’s shit.
2682) The only reason Michael Jordan finally retired is because Jack Bauer wanted to join the NBA for recreation.
2683) Jack Bauer once killed a Muslim and took his towel to wipe the sweat off his balls.
2684) When Jack Bauer coughs, all terrorists in the world are stricken with fear.
2685) In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer is the one that drives the car.
2686) If you read Jack Bauer’s files, you are about to lose your eyes.
2687) When Jack Bauer gets cold he takes more clothes off.
2688) Jack Bauer can get food for $1 at McDonalds even if the item is not on the $1 menu. Because he’s hungry.
2689) Jack Bauer knows the answer to “Who is Mike Jones?”.
2690) You cannot stop Jack Bauer, you can only hope to contain him. Wait you can’t even contain him, maybe you can hope to slow him down. Ah hell, you can’t stop, contain or slow down Jack Bauer.
2691) Jack Bauer’s tears can bring back the dead. Too bad he didn’t gain this power until the end of the 3rd season.
2692) Jack Bauer is the one who actually brought about the collapse of the USSR. He is known to the Russians as “Jakhail Bauerbachev”.
2693) The real reason Erin Driscoll left, she wanted Jack to come in on Saturday.
2694) may have ate 9, but once Jack Bauer got through threatening 7’s kids and making him cry, numbers everywhere breathed easy again.
2695) Jack Bauer doesn’t have time for White-Out to dry before writing over it.
2696) My girlfriend slipped while we were in bad and called me Jack. It made me finish too early. “Premature Jack Elation”.
2697) Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
2698) One time Jack Bauer coughed, destroying three small developed countries, and knocking down the Berlin wall.
2699) Jack Bauer freed the slaves.
2700) Jack Bauer’s cell phone has incredible range... and batteries. He never needs to recharge.
2701) CTU was blown up in the second season of “24”, but luckily, Jack Bauer was there to fix it simply by applying a piece of gum that he’d been chewing on.
2702) Jack Bauer wanted a pet, so he borrowed Siegfried and Roy’s.
2703) Jack Bauer was able to find me a XBOX 360.
2704) Jack Bauer tortured every member of the ACLU until they revealed the location of every terrorist cell in the U.S.
2705) Jack Bauer takes Cialis to keep his dick down.
2706) Colonel Samuels of the Coral Snake said it best, “Jack Bauer was a Bourne Killer.”
2707) The FCC would have no problem allowing Jack Bauer to interview strippers and porn stars on the radio.
2708) When Jack Bauer plays you in Tic-Tac-Toe, he is always X. He then beats you into a bloody pulp and draws three X’s across the middle of the board with your blood.
2709) The only reason Jack Bauer hasn’t killed President Logan is because the terrorists have nerve gas.
2710) Jack Bauer once asked a terrorist who the boss was. The terrorist replied Tony Danza. Outraged, Jack shot ripped the mans intestines out. Tony Danza is a pussy.
2711) The Sistine Chapel was the result of Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris having a food fight.
2712) Jack Bauer’s unique digestive system craps out bullets, providing a neverending supply of ammunition.
2713) Jack Bauer uses the small stall in the bathroom. Not because he’s short, but because he needs the room.
2714) When the tooth fairy looses a tooth, Jack Bauer leaves money under her pillow.
2715) Whenever Jack Bauer goes to McDonalds, he always asks for no pickles on his hamburger. One day, he was given pickles by a cashier. Jack calmly ate his hamburger and walked out of the restaurant. The next day, the cashier was found hanged from a lamp post so horribly disfigured that the only thing that characterized him as a human was his McDonalds shirt as a warning to all McDonalds employees. The moral of this story is: Jack Bauer fucking hates pickles.
2716) Jack Bauer is so feared in the Middle East that they have secretly made him a god and sacrifice 14 year old virgins to him as to not bring on his wrath.
2717) Jack Bauer won a fight with Ditka.
2718) Wolverine stole the phrase, “I’m the best at what I do, and what I do isn’t very nice,” from Jack Bauer.
2719) Jack Bauer invented misery.
2720) Paul Revere’s message was actually a secret code for “Jack Bauer is coming! Jack Bauer is coming!”
2721) Jack Bauer’s favorite Sportscenter anchor is Scott Van Pelt because his last name reminds him of what he likes to do to terrorists with bullets.
2722) Before having sex with Jack Bauer, women must undergo a grueling 12 month training process.
2723) Jack ate twice the amount of sliders Kumar did.
2724) When Jack Bauer found out a deck of cards has four Jacks, he replied, “That’s so not fair.”
2725) Jack Bauer has neither a father nor a mother. He was constructed by the CIA as the result of the Ultimate Weapon project.
2726) Losers always whine about their best... Jack Bauer goes home and fucks the prom queen.
2727) If Jack Bauer was in Star Wars, the Emperor would have to bow to him or die, Anakin would have died during child birth, Yoda would be his hand puppet, and George Lucas would have 4 broken fingers so he couldn’t make Episodes 1, 2, and 3.
2728) If Brett Favre decides to retire from Football, Jack Bauer will convince him to come back.
2729) Jack’s Bauer’s balls are the gravitational foundation of physics. They store more mass than Jupiter, Saturn, and 10 black holes combined.
2730) How badass is Jack Bauer? He eats ribs for dinner.
His OWN ribs.
2731) Jack Bauer once went ‘Koo Koo for Coco Puffs’. Soon after, he killed tortured and then killed that stupid bird from the cereal box for making him feel that way. Jack Bauer has not eaten since that day.
2732) Jack Bauer never craps because Jack Bauer never eats. Simple, is it not?
2733) The “Burning Bush” was Jack Bauer telling Moses what to do.
2734) A lesbian feminist once asked Jack Bauer if he was pro-life or pro-choice. He responded by saying “I’m aganist abortion but for killing babies.” Then he took her from behind doggy style. Afterwards the woman shaved her legs and bought some perfume.
2735) After the Fall, Jack Bauer quipped “Better to reign in CTU than serve in division.” His wit appreciated, Bauer received the honor of murdering Chapelle as a reward.
2736) When Jack Bauer goes bowling, he uses a decapitated terrorist’s head as a ball.
2737) Jack Bauer was disqualified of Big Brother because he was torturing the other participants.
2738) Jack Bauer can stab himself in the stomach with a hunting knife and never seek medical attention for the wound.
2739) Jack Bauer takes Viagra to keep his blood pressure up.
2740) The thought of Jack Bauer gives Sub-Zero the chills.
2741) When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don’t wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.
2742) Jack Bauer is the other white meat.
2743) Houston once handled 500 guys. She couldn’t handle one Jack Bauer.
2744) Jack Bauer’s copy-editing style involves cutting the hands off of those who make spelling and grammatical errors with an ax.
2745) “Dude, where’s my car?” More like, “Dude, Jack Bauer just fucking blew up my car!”
2746) The National Bankruptcy Review Commission was formed in 1970 to form a new bankruptcy code. It was not enacted until 1978. If Jack Bauer chaired the committee, it would have taken 24 hours.
2747) Jack Bauer has banged more moms than the MILF Hunter.
2748) Jack Bauer does not part seas like Moses. He parts the ocean.
2749) While undercover, Jack Bauer once killed 100 babies to prove his loyalty to a terrorist organization, then killed all the terrorists with a pencil and two rolls of Scotch tape.
2750) Jack Bauer changed the number of the beast to 667.
2751) When Jack Bauer plays Hold’em in Vegas, his pocket cards are always “bullets”.
2752) Jack Bauer told Frankie to “Relax”.
2753) When Jack was just a young boy, he was held at gunpoint by a terrorist. He escaped by looking him in the eye and laughing, melting his brain. That laughter broke into a million tiny pieces, and that is where fairies come from.
2754) Jack Bauer wrote the top five entries on this list.
2755) Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Mr. T were once stuck in a room. The combination of Pitting Fools, Roundhouse Kicks and Terrorist Killing ability created a tear in the fabric of space time. The end result was Stephen Harper winning the Canadian Election.
2756) Jack Bauer got his ear pierced once not because he though it was cool, but because he decided it was cool.
2757) One man once said that Jack Bauer’s IQ was “24.” He was found the next day with a towels each shoved up his ass and mouth.
2758) When Jack Bauer masturbates, God kills a whole species of cat.
2759) Jack Bauer can dunk with no hands.
2760) Jack Bauer is not CTU. Jack Bauer will come and get you himself.
2761) Why else do they call it JACKing off?
2762) Jack Bauer makes his own clothes out of the stomach lining of former terrorists.
2763) Much like a Super Saiyan, Jack Bauer can turn off his badassedness at will. It’s why he’s able to have relationships with people like Kate Warner and Audrey without killing them.
2764) If Jack Bauer was captured by cannibals, sushi would be on the menu.
2765) Jack Bauer’s eardrums are made out of titanium.
2766) Jack Bauer once drank an entire gallon of milk in less than an hour without using the restroom.
2767) Jack Bauer does not shave. Once his beard grows long enough, he uses his hacksawing skills to cut one hair. The rest fall out by themselves.
2768) Jack Bauer’s hairline is registered as a deadly weapon.
2769) Jack Bauer doesn’t lose weight, weight loses Jack Bauer.
2770) Jack Bauer doesn’t sweat, sweat sweats Jack Bauer.
2771) Jack Bauer impregnated his wife by ejaculating on his bullets and firing them into her womb.
2772) Jack Bauer has Xenu locked in his trunk.
2773) Jack Bauer has caused more suicides than extacy.
2774) If Jack Bauer was in Terminator 4, it would still be too short even if it was in slow motion.
2775) Obi-Wan Kenobi once hacked off three of Jack Bauer’s limbs, and left him to burn in a pool of lava. Jack Bauer’s limbs and skin regenerated within the hour.
2776) In the summertime, Jack Bauer shoots his own hands and fills up bags with his blood. He then hangs those bags up around the porch to keep mosquitoes away from him and his guests.
2777) Jack Bauer’s vehicle has no less than 5 high-bandwidth military satellites following it at any time. This enables him to stay updated on events at CTU in full-motion video. Unfortunately, there were no more satellites available to keep track of Kim.
2778) If you dare read Jack’s file, the first thing he’s going to do is cut out your left eye...
2779) Keynesian Economics do not exist. Since the birth of Jack Bauer, nothing has dared to try and ration him.
2780) Jack Bauer did not cry when he saw President Palmer’s dead body...water was pooling on his face to block radioactive material.
2781) If Jack Bauer was still working on the oil crew, you can be damn sure he’d be drilling in ANWR.
2782) Jack Bauer wakes up before the alarm goes off.
2783) When faced with a moral dilemma, the CTU staff asks themselves one question, What Would Jack Do? The answer is usually simple; bust a cap in the nigga.
2784) Jack Bauer drinks hydrogen. When he goes to take a sip of water the oxygen disassociates.
2785) Jack Bauer has no hope. He knows that he never has problem he can’t handle, regardless of druggings, bullet wounds, hostages and sleep deprivation.
2786) Jack Bauer causes tsunamis when he does a cannonball.
2787) If Jack Bauer ever had to torture God to get information, he would. Jack Bauer must protect CTU at all costs!
2788) We all want to be like Jack Bauer, except we are all too much of a coward.
2789) Jack Bauer’s mornings usually start with a trip down his slip-and-slide lined with razor blades followed by a dip in a his pool filled with rubbing alcohol. He likes to dry off with a towel made from sandpaper.
2790) Jack Bauer carries a hospital around with him at all times, it is the size of a 9mm bullet.
2791) Jack Bauer’s wallet says “BADDEST MOTHER FUCKER” on it.
2792) If you can’t see well, Jack Bauer will start with the left eye, then he’ll move to the right eye, then he’s going to start cutting you.
2793) Many believe that a ham sandwich was the cause of Mama Cass’s death. Sure, that’s true if ham sandwich is synonymous with Jack Bauer.
2794) Jack Bauer parties like its 1999.
2795) Nobody messes with Jack Bauer’s daughter and lives.
2796) Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
2797) When Jack Bauer went to Bayside High School, he created a band called “Jack Attack”. Screech wasn’t let into the band.
2798) A long time ago a man disrespected Jack Bauer; coincidentally, that man was found dead the next day with two bullets in his chest, his hand chopped off, and a towel lodged deep down his throat.
2799) Jack Bauer’s penis is so large that the head has only seen the balls in pictures.
2800) There once was a terrorist cell planning an attack on United States soil. CTU got wind of this and naturally sent Jack Bauer to “recon” the base and call for additional reinforcements if needed. Upon arrival at said encampment, Jack saw that the head terrorists were in one room planning a biological attack. Chuckling to himself, Jack fired one bullet. Just one. That fateful bullet bounced off the walls killing all inside. Pleased with himself for saving ammunition, Jack returned to CTU and savaged the summer intern in situation room 1.
2801) Chloe got her “personality disorder” after being sodomized by Jack Bauer.
2802) Pee Wee Herman was arrested for jacking off in public. That same day Jack Bauer was awarded the silver star for jacking off on a roller coaster while shooting a terrorist with his other hand.
2803) Jack Bauer is going to take down the President of the United States.
2804) Jack Bauer has actually killed someone just to watch them die.
2805) Jack Bauer once went to a religious retreat in high school, where, by the end of the weekend, everyone was singing, “Jack Bauer in the highest.”
2806) If a terrorist in the state of California is lucky enough to avoid being killed by Jack Bauer, the death penalty is carried out by either lethal injection or gas. Naturally, the fluid in the injection is Jack Bauer’s saliva while the gas is, well, his gas.
2807) In Batman shows from the 60s, the captions during fights used to read “Bauered!!!”, “son of a bitched!!!”, and “damn it!!!”. These captions were later replaced with “wam” “pow” and “sok!!”, because Jack Bauer’s adventures were not televised until 2001. Several thousand people died because of this decision. The lesson? Always trust Jack Bauer, if you don’t, you will die.
2808) On the Price is Right, you can win up to $50,000 playing Plinko. Jack Bauer on the other hand, won $350,000 from Plinko.
2809) I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under Jack Bauer, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
2810) You probably don’t think that Jack Bauer can force a towel down your throat, but trust me, he can. All the way. Except he’d hold onto the little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, he’ll pull it out taking your stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die. It’s very painful.
2811) Jack Bauer uses Binford 6100 Power tools.
2812) The universe revolves around Jack Bauer’s giant fucking balls.
2813) Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Sylvester Stallone for custody of a Happy Meal. Bauer then went on to garrote Ronald McDonald for being what he described as “a cheap vaudeville act”.
2814) Jack Bauer always exercises inside his target heart rate.
2815) Jack Bauer will fuck you in the ass. Jack Bauer does not give reach arounds.
2816) Jack Bauer is so attuned to the minds of terrorists. While searching for terrorists, all Jack has to do is listen to the sounds of a someone on the crapper to know whether he is a terrorist. Jack Bauer also uses this strategy on dates.
2817) Jack’s scowl was the cause of the tsunami.
2818) Jack Bauer’s feces can crush diamonds.
2819) Jack Bauer’s flatulence has been known to crumble a brick wall. Because of this, he no longer eats Mexican food.
2820) Jack Bauer doesn’t require a whole group of men to perform bukkake on you, just himself.
2821) Don’t tell Bill Paxton, but Jack Bauer actually has the Heart of the Ocean.
2822) It ain’t over until the fat lady sings, and Jack Bauer is the fat lady.
2823) His name’s not Frank.
2824) Jack Bauer can heat a burrito so hot that even Jack Bauer cannot hold.
2825) If Jack Bauer were to screw hot babes (ex. Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Anniston, and Paris Hilton.) I can assure you that that their acting careers will no longer prosper due to the fact that they will spend the rest of their lives in wheelchairs.