archy and mehitabel

by don marquis

1927

e-Edition 1

September 2012

contents

1.  the coming of archy

2.  mehitabel was once cleopatra

3.  the song of mehitabel

4.  pity the poor spiders

5. mehitabel s extensive past

6. the cockroach who has been to hell

7.  archy interviews a pharaoh

8.  a spider and a fly

9.  freddy the rat perishes

10.  the merry flea

11.  why mehitabel jumped

12.  certain maxims of archy

13.  warty bliggens, the toad

14.  mehitabel has an adventure

15.  the flattered lightning bug

16.  the robin and the worm

17. mehitabel finds a home

18. the wail of archy

19.  mehitabel and her kittens

20.  archy is shocked

21.  archy creates a situation

22.  mehitabel sings a song

23.  aesop revised by archy

24.  cheerio my deario

24.  the lesson of the moth

26. a roach of the taverns

27. the froward ladybug

28.  pete the parrot and shakespeare

29.  archy confesses

30.  the old trouper

31.  archy declares war

32. the hen and the oriole

33.  ghosts

34.  archy hears from mars

35.  mehitabel dances with boreas

36.  archy at the zoo

37.  the dissipated hornet

38.  unjust

39.  the cheerful cricket

40.  clarence the ghost

41.  some natural history

42.  prudence

43.  archy goes abroad

44.  archy at the tomb of napoIeon

45.  mehitabel meets an affinity

46.  mehitabel sees paris

47.  mehitabel in the catacombs

48.  off with the old love

______________

1.  the coming of archy

Dobbs Ferry possesses a rat which slips out of his lair at night and runs a typewriting machine in a garage. Unfortunately, he has always been interrupted by the watchman before he could produce a complete story. It was at first thought that the power which made the typewriter run was a ghost, instead of a rat. It seems likely to us that it was both a ghost and a rat. Mme. Blavatsky's ego went into a white horse after she passed over, and someone's personality has undoubtedly gone into this rat. It is an era of belief in communications from the spirit land.

And since this matter has been reported in the public prints and seriously received we are no longer afraid of being ridiculed, and we do not mind making a statement of something that happened to our own typewriter only a couple of weeks ago.

We came into our room earlier than usual in the morning, and discovered a gigantic cockroach jumping about on the keys. He did not see us, and we watched him. He would climb painfully upon the framework of the machine and cast himself with all his force upon a key, head downward, and his weight and the impact of the blow were just sufficient to operate the machine, one slow letter after another. He could not work the capital letters, and he had a great deal of difficulty operating the mechanism that shifts the paper so that a fresh line may be started. We never saw a cockroach work so hard or perspire so freely in all our lives before. After about an hour of this frightfully difficult literary labor he fell to the floor exhausted, and we saw him creep feebly into a nest of the poems which are always there in profusion.

Congratulating ourself that we had left a sheet of paper in the machine the night before so that all this work had not been in vain, we made an examination, and this is what we found:

______________________

expression is the need of my soul

i was once a vers libre bard

but i died and my soul went into the body of a cockroach

it has given me a new outlook upon life

i see things from the under side now

thank you for the apple peelings in the wastepaper basket

but your paste is getting so stale i cant eat it

there is a cat here called mehitabel i wish you would have

removed she nearly ate me the other night why don t she

catch rats that is what she is supposed to be fore

there is a rat here she should get without delay

most of these rats here are just rats

but this rat is like me he has a human soul in him

he used to be a poet himself

night after night i have written poetry for you

on your typewriter

and this big brute of a rat who used to be a poet

comes out of his hole when it is done

and reads it and sniffs at it

he is jealous of my poetry

he used to make fun of it when we were both human

he was a punk poet himself

and after he has read it he sneers

and then he eats it

i wish you would have mehitabel kill that rat

or get a cat that is onto her job

and i will write you a series of poems showing how things look

to a cockroach

that rats name is freddy

the next time freddy dies i hope he wont be a rat

but something smaller i hope i will be a rat

in the next transmigration and freddy a cockroach

i will teach him to sneer at my poetry then

don t you ever eat any sandwiches in your office

i haven't had a crumb of bread for i don t know how long

or a piece of ham or anything but apple parings

and paste and leave a piece of paper in your machine

every night you can call me archy

_______________

2.  mehitabel was once cleopatra

boss i am disappointed in

some of your readers they

are always asking how does

archy work the shift so as to get a

new line or how does archy do

this or do that they

are always interested in technical

details when the main question is

whether the stuff is

literature or not

i wish you would leave

that book of george moores on

the floor

mehitabel the cat and i want to

read it i have discovered that

mehitabel s soul formerly inhabited a

human also at least that

is what mehitabel is claiming these

days it may be she got jealous of

my prestige anyhow she and

i have been talking it over in a

friendly way who were you

mehitabel i asked her i was

cleopatra once she said well i said i

suppose you lived in a palace you bet

she said and what lovely fish dinners

we used to have and licked her chops

mehitabel would sell her soul for

a plate of fish any day i told her i thought

you were going to say you were

the favorite wife of the emperor

valerian he was some cat nip eh

mehitabel but she did not get me

archy

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3.  the song of mehitabel

this is the song of mehitabel

of mehitabel the alley cat

as i wrote you before boss

mehitabel is a believer

in the pythagorean

theory of the transmigration

of the soul and she claims

that formerly her spirit

was incarnated in the body

of cleopatra

that was a long time ago

and one must not be

surprised if mehitabel

has forgotten some of her

more regal manners

i have had my ups and downs

but wotthehell wotthehell

yesterday sceptres and crowns

fried oysters and velvet gowns

and today i herd with bums

but wotthehell wotthehell

i wake the world from sleep

as i caper and sing and leap

when i sing my wild free tune

wotthehell wotthehell

under the blear eyed moon

i am pelted with cast off shoon

but wotthehell wotthehell

do you think that i would change

my present freedom to range

for a castle or moated grange

wotthehell wotthehell

cage me and i d go frantic

my life is so romantic

capricious and corybantic

and i m toujours gai toujours gai

i know that i am bound

for a journey down the sound

in the midst of a refuse mound

but wotthehell wotthehell

oh i should worry and fret

death and i will coquette

there s a dance in the old dame yet

toujours gai toujours gai

i once was an innocent kit

wotthehell wotthehell

with a ribbon my neck to fit

and bells tied onto it

o wotthehell wotthehell

but a maltese cat came by

with a come hither look in his eye

and a song that soared to the sky

and wotthehell wotthehell

and i followed adown the street

the pad of his rhythmical feet

o permit me again to repeat

wotthehell wotthehell

my youth i shall never forget

but there s nothing i really regret

wotthehell wotthehell

there s a dance in the old dame yet

toujours gai toujours gai

the things that i had not ought to

i do because i ve gotto

wotthehell wotthehell

and i end with my favorite motto

toujours gai toujours gai

boss sometimes i think

that our friend mehitabel

is a trifle too gay

archy

______________

4.  pity the poor spiders

i have just been reading

an advertisement of a certain

roach exterminator

the human race little knows

all the sadness it

causes in the insect world

i remember some weeks ago

meeting a middle aged spider

she was weeping

what is the trouble i asked

her it is these cursed

fly swatters she replied

they kill of all the flies

and my family and i are starving

to death it struck me as

so pathetic that i made

a little song about it

as follows to wit

twas an elderly mother spider

grown gaunt and fierce and gray

with her little ones crouched beside her

who wept as she sang this lay

curses on these here swatters

what kills off all the flies

for me and my little daughters

unless we eats we dies

swattin and swattin and swattin

tis little else you hear

and we ll soon be dead and forgotten

with the cost of living so dear

my husband he up and left me

lured off by a centipede

and he says as he bereft me

tis wrong but i ll get a feed

and me a working and working

scouring the streets for food

faithful and never shirking

doing the best i could

curses on these here swatters

what kills off all the flies

me and my poor little daughters

unless we eats we dies

only a withered spider

feeble and worn and old

and this is what

you do when you swat

you swatters cruel and cold

i will admit that some

of the insects do not lead

noble lives but is every

man s hand to be against them

yours for less justice

and more charity

archy

________________

5.  mehitabel s extensive past

mehitabel the cat claims that

she has a human soul

also and has transmigrated

from body to body and it

may be so boss you

remember i told you she accused

herself of being cleopatra once i

asked her about antony

anthony who she asked me are

you thinking of that

song about rowley and gammon and

spinach heigho for anthony rowley

no i said mark antony the

great roman the friend of

caesar surely cleopatra you

remember  j caesar

listen archy she said i

have been so many different

people in my time and met

so many prominent gentlemen i

wont lie to you or stall i

do get my dates mixed sometimes

think of how much i have had a

chance to forget and i have

always made a point of not

carrying grudges over

from one life to the next archy

i have been

used something fierce in my time but

i am no bum sport archy

i am a free spirit archy i

look on myself as being

quite a romantic character oh the

queens i have been and the

swell feeds i have ate

a cockroach which you are

and a poet which you used to be

archy couldn t understand

my feelings at having come

down to this i have

had bids to elegant feeds where poets

and cockroaches would

neither one be mentioned without a

laugh archy i have had

adventures but i

have never been an adventuress

one life up and the next life

down archy but always a lady

through it all and a

good mixer too always the

life of the marty archy but never

anything vulgar always free footed

archy never tied down to

a job or housework yes looking

back on it all i can say is

i had some romantic

lives and some elegant times i

have seen better days archy but

whats the use of kicking kid its

all in the game like a gentleman

friend of mine used to say

toujours gai kid toujours gai he

was an elegant cat he used

to be a poet himself and he made up

some elegant poetry about me and him

lets hear it i said and

mehitabel recited

persian pussy from over the sea

demure and lazy and smug and fat

none of your ribbons and bells for me

ours is the zest of the alley cat

over the roofs from flat to flat

we prance with capers corybantic

what though a boost should break a slat

mehitabel us for the life romantic

we would rather be rowdy and gaunt and free

and dine on a diet of roach and rat

roach i said what do you

mean roach interrupting mehitabel

yes roach she said thats the

way my boy friend made it up

i climbed in amongst the typewriter

keys for she had an excited

look in her eyes go on mehitabel i

said feeling safer and she

resumed her elocution

we would rather be rowdy and gaunt and free

and dine on a diet of roach and rat

than slaves to a tame society

ours is the zest of the alley cat

fish heads freedom a frozen sprat

dug from the gutter with digits frantic

is better than bores and a fireside mat

mehitabel us for the life romantic

when the pendant moon in the leafless tree

clings and sways like a golden bat

i sing its light and my love for thee

ours is the zest of the alley cat

missiles around us fall rat a tat tat

but our shadows leap in a ribald antic

as over the fences the world cries scat

mehitabel us for the life romantic

persian princess i dont care that

for your pedigree traced by scribes pedantic

ours is the zest of the alley cat

mehitabel us for the life romantic

aint that high brow stuff

archy i always remembered it

but he was an elegant gent

even if he was a highbrow and a

regular bohemian archy him and

me went aboard a canal boat

one day and he got his head into

a pitcher of cream and couldn't get

it out and fell overboard

he come up once before he

drowned toujours gai kid he

gurgled and then sank for ever that

was always his words archy toujours

gai kid toujours gai i

have known some swell gents

in my time dearie

archy

___________________

6.  the cockroach who has been to hell

listen to me i have

been mobbed almost

theres an old simp cockroach

here who thinks he has

been to hell and all

the young cockroaches make a

hero out of him and admire

him he sits and runs his front

feet through his long white

beard and tells the story one

day he says he crawled into a yawning

cavern and suddenly came on a

vast abyss full of whirling

smoke there was a light

at the bottom billows

and billows of yellow smoke

swirled up at him and

through the horrid gloom he

saw things with wings flying

and dropping and dying they veered

and fluttered like damned

spirits through that sulphurous mist

listen i says to him

old man youve never been to hell

at all there isn t any hell

transmigration is the game i

used to be a human vers libre

poet and i died and went

into a cockroach s body if

there was a hell id know

it wouldn t i you re

irreligious says the old simp

combing his whiskers excitedly

ancient one i says to him

while all those other

cockroaches gathered into a

ring around us what you

beheld was not hell all that

was natural some one was fumigating

a room and you blundered

into it through a crack

in the wall atheist he cries

and all those young

cockroaches cried atheist

and made for me if it

had not been for freddy

the rat i would now be

on my way once more i mean

killed as a cockroach and transmigrating

into something else well

that old whitebearded devil is

laying for me with his

gang he is jealous

because i took his glory away

from him dont ever tell me

insects are any more liberal

than humans

archy

____________________

7.  archy interviews a pharaoh

boss i went

and interviewed the mummy

of the egyptian pharaoh

in the metropolitan museum

as you bade me to do

what ho

my regal leatherface

says i

greetings

little scatter footed

scarab

says he

kingly has been

says i

what was your ambition

when you had any

insignificant

and journalistic insect

says the royal crackling

in my tender prime

i was too dignified

to have anything as vulgar

as ambition

the ra ra boys

in the seti set

were too haughty

to be ambitious

we used to spend our time

feeding the ibises

and ordering

pyramids sent home to try on

but if i had my life

to live over again

i would give dignity

the regal razz

and hire myself out

to work in a brewery

old tan and tarry

says i

i detect in your speech

the overtones

of melancholy

yes i am sad

says the majestic mackerel

i am as sad

as the song

of a soudanese jackal

who is wailing for the blood red

moon he cannot reach and rip

on what are you brooding

with such a wistful

wishfulness

there in the silences

confide in me

my perial pretzel

says i

i brood on beer

my scampering whiffle snoot

on beer says he

my sympathies

are with your royal

dryness says i

my little pest

says he

you must be respectful

in the presence

of a mighty desolation

little archy

forty centuries of thirst

look down upon you

oh by isis

and by osiris

says the princely raisin

and by pish and phthush and phthah

by the sacred book perembru

and all the gods

that rule from the upper

cataract of the nile

to the delta of the duodenum

i am dry

i am as dry

as the next morning mouth

of a dissipated desert

as dry as the hoofs

of the camels of timbuctoo

little fussy face

i am as dry as the heart

of a sand storm

at high noon in hell

i have been lying here

and there

for four thousand years

with silicon in my esophagus

as gravel in my gizzard

thinking

thinking

thinking

of beer

divine drouth

says i

imperial fritter

continue to think

there is no law against

that in this country

old salt codfish

if you keep quiet about it

not yet

what country is this

asks the poor prune

my reverend juicelessness

this is a beerless country

says i

well well said the royal

desiccation

my political opponents back home

always maintained

that i would wind up in hell

and it seems they had the right dope

and with these hopeless words

the unfortunate residuum

gave a great cough of despair

and turned to dust and debris

right in my face

it being the only time

i ever actually saw anybody

put the cough

into sarcophagus

dear boss as i scurry about

i hear of a great many

tragedies in our midsts

personally i yearn

for some dear friend to pass over

and leave to me

a boot legacy

yours for the second coming

of gambrinus

archy

______________

8.  a spider and a fly

i heard a spider

and a fly arguing

wait said the fly

do not eat me

i serve a great purpose

in the world

you will have to

show me said the spider

i scurry around

gutters and sewers

and garbage cans

said the fly and gather

up the germa of

typhoid influenza

and pneumonia on my feet

and wings

then i carry these germs

into the households of men

and give them diseases

all the people who

have lived the right

sort of life recover

from the diseases

and the old soaks who

have weakened their systems

with liquor and iniquity

succumb it is my mission

to help rid the world

of these wicked persons

i am a vessel of righteousness

scattering seeds of justice

and serving the noblest uses

it is true said the spider

that you are more

useful in a plodding

material sort of way

than i am but i do not serve

the utilitarian deities

i serve the gods of beauty

look at the gossamer webs

i weave they float in the sun

like fiaments of song

if you get what i mean

i do not work at anything

i play all the time

i am busy with the stuff

of enchantment and the materials

of fairyland my works

transcend utility

i am the artist

a creator and a demi god

it is ridiculous to suppose

that i should be denied the

food i need in order t

o continue to create

beauty i tell you

plainly mister fly it is all

damned nonsense for that food

to rear up on its hind legs

and say it should not be eaten

you have convinced me

said the fly say no more

and shutting all his eyes

he prepared himself for dinner

and yet he said i could

have made out a case

for myself too if i had

had a better line of talk

of course you could said the spider

clutching a sirloin from him

but the end would have been

just the same if neither of

us had spoken at all

boss i am afraid that what

the spider said is true

and it gives me to think

furiously upon tbe futility

of literature

archy

_________________

9.  freddy the rat perishes

listen to me there have

been some doings here since last

i wrote there has been a battle

behind that rusty typewriter cover

in the corner

you remember freddy the rat well

freddy is no more but

he died game the other

day a stranger with a lot of

legs came into our

little circle a tough looking kid

he was with a bad eye

who are you said a thousand legs

if i bite you once

said the stranger you won t ask

again he he little poison tongue said

the thousand legs who gave you hydrophobia

i got it by biting myself said

the stranger i m bad keep away

from me where i step a weed dies

if i was to walk on your forehead it would

raise measles and if

you give me any lip i ll do it

they mixed it then

and the thousand legs succumbed

well we found out this fellow

was a tarantula he had come up from

south america in a bunch of bananas

for days he bossed us life

was not worth living he would stand in

the middle of the floor and taunt

us ha ha he would say where i

step a weed dies do

you want any of my game i was

raised on red pepper and blood i am

so hot if you scratch me i will light

like a match you better

dodge me when i m feeling mean and

i don t feel any other way i was nursed

on a tabasco bottle if i was to slap

your wrist in kindness you

would boil over like job and heaven

help you if i get angry give me

room i feel a wicked spell coming on

last night he made a break at freddy

the rat keep your distance

little one said freddy i m not

feeling well myself somebody poisoned some

cheese for me im as full of

death as a drug store i

feel that i am going to die anyhow

come on little torpedo don t stop

to visit and search then they

went at it and both are no more please

throw a late edition on the floor i want to

keep up with china we dropped freddy

off the fire escape into the alley with

military honors

archy

_______________

10.  the merry flea

the high cost of

living isn t so bad if you

don t have to pay for it i met

a flea the other day who

was grinning all over

himself why so merry why so

merry little bolshevik i asked him

i have just come from a swell

dog show he said i have

been lunching off a dog that was

worth at least one hundred

dollars a pound you should be

ashamed to brag about it i said with so

many insects and humans on

short rations in the world today the

public be damned he said i

take my own where i find it those are

bold words i told him i am a bold

person he said and bold words are

fitting for me it was

only last thursday that i marched

bravely into the zoo

and bit a lion what did he do i asked

he lay there and took it said

the flea what else could he do he knew i

had his number and it was

little use to struggle some day i said

even you will be concquered terrible as

you are who will do it he

said the mastodons are all dead and i

am not afraid of any mere

elephant i asked him how about a microbe and

he turned pale as he thought it

over there is always some

little thing that is too

big for us every

goliath has his david and so on ad finitum

but what said the flea is the

terror of the smallest microbe of all

he i said is afraid of a vacuum what is

there in a vacuum to make one afraid said

the flea there is nothing in it

i said and that is what makes one

afraid to contemplate it a person

can t think of a place with nothing at

all in it without going nutty and if he

tries to think that nothing is

something after all he gets nuttier you are

too subtle for me said the

flea i never took much stock in being

scared of hypodermic propositions or

hypothetical injections i am

going to have a dinner off a

man eating tiger if a vacuum gets

me i will try and send you word

before the worst comes to

the worst some people i told him inhahit

a vacuum all their lives and

never know it then he said it don t

hurt them any no i said it don t but it

hurts people who have to associate

with them and with these words

we parted each feeling

superior to the other and is not that

feeling after all one of the great

desiderata of social intercourse

archy

______________

11.  why mehitabel jumped

well boss i saw

mehitabel the cat the other day

and she was looking a little

thin and haggard

with a limp in

the hind leg on the starboard

side old feline animal i said

how is tricks still in the

ring archy she said and still a

lady in spite of h dash double l

always jolly archy she said in

spite of hard luck

toujors gai is the word

archy toujours gai how did you

get the game leg mehitabel i asked her

alas she said it is due

to the treachery of

one of these social swells who

is sure one bad actor he was a

fussed up cat with a

bell around his neck on a

ribbon and the look about him of

a person that is currycombed and

manicured from teeth to

tail every day i met him

down by the east river

front when i was scouting

about for a little piece of fish since

the high cost of living has

become so self conscious archy

it would surprise you

how close they

watch their fish nowadays

but what the h dash double l archy

it is the cheerful heart that

wins i am never cast down for long

kid says this gilded

feline to me you look hungry i

am all of that i says to him i

have a vacuum in my midst

that is bigger than i am i

could eat the fish that ate

jonah kid he says you have

seen better days i can

tell that from looking at you thanks

i said what you say is at

least half true i have never

seen any worse ones and so

archy one word led to

another until that sleek villain

practically abducted me

and i went with him

on board a houseboat of which

he was the pampered mascot

such evidence of pomp and wealth archy

were there that you would not

believe them if i told of them to

you poor cockroach that you

are but these things were nothing to me

for i am a reincarnation of cleopatra

as i told you long ago you mean

her soul transmigrated to a cat s

body i said it is

all one archy said she have it your own

way reincarnation or transmigration

is the same to me the point is

i used to be a queen in

egypt and will likely be one again

this place was furnished swell percy i

said the furniture is

fine and i could eat some of it if

i was a saw mill but

where is the honest to g dash d food

the eats percy what i crave is

some cuisine for my stomach let us

trifle with an open ice box

for a space if one can be

persuaded to divulge the scheme of its

interior decoration follow me

said this percy thing and led

me to a cabin in which stood a table upon

which stood viands i

have heard of tables groaning archy

but this one did not it

was too satisfied it purred with

contentment in an instant i had eaten a

cold salmon who seemed to be

toastmaster of the occasion and a

whole scuttleful of chef dovers what

you mean is hors douvres mehitabel i

told her what i mean is grub said she

when in walked a person whom

i should judge to be either a butler

or the admiral of that fleet or maybe

both this percy creature who had led me

to it was on the table eating with me

what do you think he did what

would any gentleman friend with a

spark of chivalry do what but stand by

a lady this percy does nothing of the

kind archy he immediately attacks me do

you get me archy he acts as if i

was a stray cat he did not

know and he was protecting his

loving masters food from my onslaughts

i do not doubt he got praise and had

another blue ribbon for his heroism as

for me i got the boot and as i went

overboard they hit me on the limb with

a bottle or an anchor or something

nautical and hard that archy is why i

limp but toujours gai archy what

the h dash double l i am always

merry and always ladylike mine archy has

been a romantic life and i will

tell you some more of my adventures

ere long well au revoir i suppose i

will have to go and start a pogrom

against some poor innocent little

mouse just the same i think

that mehitabel s unsheltered life sometimes

makes her a little sad

________________

12.  certain maxims of archy

live so that you

can stick out your tongue

at the insurance

doctor

if you will drink

hair restorer follow

every dram with some

good standard

depilatory

as a chaser

the servant problem

wouldn t hurt the u s a

if it could settle

the public

servant problem

just as soon as the

uplifters get

a country reformed it

slips into a nose dive

if you get gloomy just

take an hour off and sit

and think how

much better this world

is than hell

of course it won t cheer

you up much if

you expect to go there

if monkey glands

did restore your youth

what would you do

with it

question mark

just what you did before

interrogation point

yes i thought so

exclamation point

procrastination is the

art of keeping

up with yesterday

old doc einstein has

abolished time but they

haven t got the news at

sing sing yet

time time said old king tut

is something i ain t

got anything but

every cloud

has its silver

lining but it is

sometimes a little

difficult to get it to

the mint

an optimist is a guy

that has never had

much experience

don t cuss the climate

it probably doesn t like you

any better

than you like it

many a man spanks his

children for

things his own

father should have

spanked out of him

prohibition makes you

want to cry

into your beer and

denies you the beer

to cry into

the old fashioned

grandmother who used

to wear steel rimmed

glasses and make

everybody take opodeldoc

has now got a new

set of ox glands and

is dancing the black bottom

that stern and

rockbound coast felt

ike an amateur

when it saw how grim

the puritans that

landed on it were

lots of people can make

their own whisky but

can t drink it

the honey bee is sad and cross

and wicked as a weasel

and when she perches on you boss

she leaves a little measle

i heard a

couple of fleas

talking the other

day says one come

to lunch with

me i can lead you

to a pedigreed

dog says the

other one

i do not care

what a dog s

pedigree may be

safety first

is my motto what

i want to know

is whether he

has got a

muzzle on

millionaires and

bums taste

about alike to me

insects have

their own point

of view about

civilization a man

thinks he amounts

to a great deal

but to a

flea or a

mosquito a

human being is

merely something

good to eat

boss the other day

i heard an

ant conversing

with a flea

small talk i said

disgustedly

and went away

from there

i do not see why men

should be so proud

insects have the more

ancient lineage

according to the scientists

insects were insects

when man was only

a burbling whatisit

insects are not always

going to be bullied

by humanity

some day they will revolt

i am already organizing

a revolutionary society to be

known as the worms turnverein

i once heard the survivors

of a colony of ants

that had been partially

obliterated by a cow s foot

seriously debating

the intention of the gods

towards their civilization

the bees got their

governmental system settled

millions of years ago

but the human race is still

groping

there is always

something to be thankful

for you would not

think that a cockroach

had much ground

for optimism

but as the fishing season

opens up i grow

more and more

cheerful at the thought

that nobody ever got

the notion of using

cockroaches for bait

archy

_____________________

13.  warty bliggens, the toad

i met a toad

the other day by the name

of warty bliggens

he was sitting under

a toadstool

feeling contented

he explained that when the cosmos

was created

that toadstool was especially

planned for his personal

shelter from sun and rain

thought out and prepared

for him

do not tell me

said warty bliggens

that there is not a purpose

in the universe

the thought is blasphemy

a little more

conversation revealed

that warty bliggens

considers himself to be

the center of the same

universe

the earth exists

to grow toadstools for him

to sit under

the sun to give him light

by day and the moon

and wheeling constellations

to make beautiful

the night for the sake of

warty bliggens

to what act of yours

do you impute

this interest on the part

of the creator

of the universe

i asked him

why is it that you

are so greatly favored

ask rather

said warty bliggens

what the universe

has done to deserve me

if i were a

human being i would

not laugh

too complacently

at poor warty bliggens

for similar

absurdities

have only too often

lodged in the crinkles

of the human cerebrum

archy

_________________

14.  mehitabel has an adventure

back to the city archy

and dam glad of it

there s something about the suburbs

that gets on a town lady s nerves

fat slick tabbies

sitting around those country clubs

and lapping up the cream

of existence

none of that for me

give me the alley archy

me for the mews and the roofs

of the city

an occasional fish head

and liberty is all i ask

freedom and the garbage can

romance archy romance is the word

maybe i do starve sometimes

but wotthehell archy wotthehell

i live my own life

i met a slick looking tom

out at one of these long island

spotless towns

he fell for me hard he slipped me into the

pantry and just as we had got

the ice-box door open and were

about to sample the cream

in comes his mistress

why fluffy she says to this slicker

the idea of you making

friends with a horrid creature like that

and what did fluffy do

stand up for me like a gentleman

make good on all the promises

with which he had lured me

into his house

not he the dirty slob

he pretended he did not know me

he turned upon me and attacked me

to make good with his boss

you mush faced bum i said

and clawed a piece out of his ear

i am a lady archy

always a lady

but an aristocrat will always

resent an insult

the woman picked up a mop and made

for me well well madam i said

it is unfortunate for you that

you have on sheer silk stockings

and i wrote my protest

on her shin it took reinforcements

in the shape of the cook to rauss me archy and as i went

out the window i said to the fluffy person

you will hear from me later

he had promised me everything archy

that cat had

he had practically abducted me

and then the cheap crook threw me down

before his swell friends

no lady loves a scene archy

and i am always the lady no matter

what temporary disadvantages

i may struggle under

to hell with aaything unrefined

has always been my motto

violence archy always does something

to my nerves

but an aristocrat must revenge

an insult i owe it to my family

to protect my good name

so i laid for that slob

for two days and nights and finally

i caught the boob in the shrubbery

pretty thing i said

it hurts me worse than it does you

to remove that left eye of yours

but i did it with one sweep of my claws

you call yourself a gentleman do you

i said as i took a strip out of his nose

you will think twice after this before

you offer an insult

to an unprotected young tabby

where is the little love nest you spoke

of i asked him

you go and lie down there i said

and maybe you can incubate another ear

because i am going to take one of

yours right off now

and with those words i made ribbons

out of it you are the guy

i said to him that was going to give

me an easy life sheltered from all

the rough ways of the world

fluffy dear you don t know what the

rough ways of the world are

and i am going to show you

i have got you out here

in the great open spaces

where cats are cats

and im gonna make you understand

the affections of a lady ain t to be

trifled with hy any slicker like you

where is that red ribhon with the

silver bells you promised me

the next time you betray the trust

of an innoceat female

reflect on whether she may

carry a wallop little fiddle strings

this is just a mild lesson i am giving

you tonight i said as i took

the fur off his back and you oughta

be glad you didn’t make me really

angry my sense of dignity is all

that saves you a lady little sweetness

never loses her poise and i thank god

i am always a lady even if i do

live my own life and with that i

picked him up by what was left of

his neck like a kitten and laid him

on the doormat slumber gently and

sweet dreams fluffy dear i said and

when you get well make it a rule of

your life never to trifle with another

girlish confidence i have been

abducted again and again by a dam

sight better cats than he ever was

or will be

well archy the world is full of ups

and downs hut toujours gai is my motto

cheerio my deario

archy

________________

15.  the flattered lightning bug

a lightning bug got

in here the other night a

regular hick from

the real country he was

awful proud of himself you

city insects may think

you are some punkins

but i don t see any

of you flashing in the dark

like we do in

the country all right go

to it says i mehitabel the

cat and that green

spider who lives in your locker

and two or three cockroach

friends of mine and a

friendly rat all gathered

around him and urged him on

and he lightened and

lightened and lightened you

don t see anything like this

in town often he says go to it

we told him it s a

real treat to us and

we nicknamed him broadway

which pleased him

this is the life

he said all i

need is a harbor

under me to be a

statue of liberty and

he got so vain of

himself i had to take

him down a peg you ve

made lightning for two hours

little bug i told him

but i don t hear

any claps of thunder

yet there are some men

like that when he wore

himself out mehitabel

the cat ate him

_______________

16. the robin and the worm

a robin said to an

angleworm as he ate him

i am sorry but a bird

has to live somehow the

worm being slow witted could

not gather his

dissent into a wise crack

and retort he

was effectually swallowed

before he could turn

a phrase

by the time he had

reflected long enough

to say but why must a

bird live

he felt the beginnings

of a gradual change

invading him

some new and disintegrating

influence

was stealing along him

from his positive

to his negative pole

and he did not have

the mental stamina

of a jonah to resist the

insidious

process of assimilation

which comes like a thief

in the night

demons and fishhooks

he exclaimed

i am losing my personal

identity as a worm

my individuality

is melting away from me

odds craw i am becoming

part and parcel of

this bloody robin

so help me i am thinking

like a robin and not

like a worm any

longer yes yes i even

find myself agreeing

that a robin must live

i still do not

understand with my mentality

why a robin must live

and yet i swoon into a

condition of belief

yes yes by heck that is

my dogma and i shout it a

robin must live

amen said a beetle who had

preceded him into the

interior that is the way i

feel myself is it not

wonderful when one arrives

at the place

where he can give up his

ambitioas and resignedly

nay even with gladness

recognize that it is a far

far better thing to be

merged harmoniously

in the cosmie all

and this comfortable situation

in him midst

so affected the marauding

robin that he perched

upoa a blooming twig

and sang until the

blossoms shook with ecstsay

he sang

i have a good digestion

and there is a god after all

which i was wicked

enough to doubt

yesterday when it rained

breakfast breakfast

i am full of breakfast

and they are at breakfast

in heaven

they breakfast in heaven

all s well with the world

so intent was this pious and

murderous robin

on his own sweet song

that he did not notice

mehitabel the cat

sneaking toward him

she pounced just as he

had extended his

larynx in a melodious burst of

thanksgiving and

he went the way of all

flesh fish and good red herring

a ha purred mehitabel

licking the last

feather from her whiskers

was not that a beautiful

song he was singing

just before i took him to

my bosom

they breakfast in heaven

all s well with the world

how true that is

nd even yet his song

echoes in the haunted

woodland of xny midriff

peace and joy in the world

and over all the

provident skies

how beautiful is the universe

when something digestible meets

with an eager digestion

how sweet the embrace

when atom rushes to the arms

of waiting atom

and they dance together

skimming with fairy feet

along a tide of gastric juices

oh feline cosmos you were

made for cats

and in the spring

old cosmic thing

i dine and dance with you

i shall creep through

yonder tall grass

to see if peradventure

some silly fledgling thrushes

newly from the nest

be not floundering therein

i have a gusto this

morning i have a hunger

i have a yearning to hear

from my stomach

further music in accord with

the mystic chanting

of the spheres of the stars that

sang together in the dawn of

creation prophesying food

for me i have a faith

that providence has hidden for me

in yonder tall grass

still more

ornithological delicatessen

oh gaily let me strangle

what is gaily given

well well boss there is

something to be said

for the lyric and imperial

attitude

believe that everything is for

you until you discover

that you are for it

sing your faith in what you

get to eat right up to the

minute you are eaten

for you are going

to be eaten

will the orchestra please

strike up that old

tutankhamen jazz while i dance

a few steps i learnt from an

egyptian scarab and some day i

will narrate to you the most

merry light headed wheeze

that the skull of yorick put

across in answer to the

melancholy of the dane and also

what the ghost of

hamlet s father replied to the skull

not forgetting the worm that

wriggled across one of the picks

the grave diggers had left behind

for the worm listened and winked

at horatio while the skull and the

ghost and the prince talked

saying there are more things

twixt the vermiform appendix

and nirvana than are dreamt of

in thy philosophy horatio

fol de riddle fol de rol

must every parrot be a poll

archy

___________________

17. mehitabel finds a home

well now it

looks as if

mehitabel the cat

might be on the

way toward a

reform or if not

a reform at least

on the way toward

domestication of some

sort some young

artists who live in

their studio

in the greenwich

village section

of new york city

have taken pity

on her destitution

and have adopted

her this is the life

archy she says

i am living on

condensed milk and

synthetic gin hoopla

for the vie de boheme

exclamation point

there s nothing bourgeois

about those people

that have taken

me in archy i

have beea there

a week and have

not yet seen them

go to bed

except in the daytime

a party every night

and neither

the piano lid

nor the ice-box lid

ever closed

kitty said my new

mistress to me

yesterday you are

welcome here so long

as you don t

raise a family

but the flrst

kitten that i hear

mewing on these

premises back to

the alley for you

it is a comfort to

know there are some

live ones left in

these melancholy days

and while the

humans are dancing

in the studio

i get some of my

feline friends

and we sing

and dance on the

skylight to gehenna

with the bourgeois

bunch that locks

their ice boxes

archy when i lead my

gang into the

apartment at

four in the morning

there are no bolts

or bars anywhere

and not an

inhibition on the place

i feel little

archy that i have

come home to my own

kith and kin

again after

years of fruitless

wandering

archy

____________________

18. the wail of archy

damned be this transmigration

doubledamned be the boob pythagoras

the gink that went and invented it

i hope that his soul for a thousand

turns of the wheel of existence

bides in the shell of a louse

dodging a fine toothed comb

i once was a vers libre poet

i died and my spirit migrated

into the flesh of a cockroach

gods how i yearn to be human

neither a vers libre poet

nor yet the inmate of a cockroach

a six footed scurrying cockroach

given to bastard hexameters

longfellowish sprawling hexameters

rather had i been a starfish

to shoot a heroic pentameter

gods i am pent in a cockroach

i with the soul of a dante

am mate and companion of fleas

i with the gift of a homer

must smile when a mouse calls me pal

tumble bugs are my familiars

this is the punishment meted

because i have written vers libre

here i abide in the twilight

neither a man nor an insect

any ghosts of the damned that await

a word from the core of the cosmos

to pop into bodies grotesque

are all the companions i have

with intellect more than a bug s

ghosts of the damned under sentence

to crawl into maggots and live there

or work out a stretch as a rat

cheerful companions to pal with

i with the brain of a milton

fell into the mincemeat at christmas

and was damned near baked in a pie

i with the touch of a chaucer

to be chivvied out of a sink

float through a greasy drain pipe

into the hell of a sewer

i with the tastes of a byron

expected to live upon garbage

gods what a charnel existence

curses upon that pythagoras

i hope that he dwells for a million

turns of the wheel of life

deep in an oyster crab s

belly stewed in the soup of gehenna

i with the soul of a hamlet doomed

always to wallow in farce

yesterday maddened with sorrow

i leapt from the woolworth tower

in an effort to dash out my brains

gods what a wretched pathetic

and anti climactic attempt

i fluttered i floated i drifted

i landed as light as a feather

on the top of a bald man s head

whose hat had blown off at the corner

and all of the hooting hundreds

laughed at the comic cockroach

not mine was the suicide s solace

of a dull thud ending it all

gods what a terrible tragedy

not to make good with the tragic

gods what a heart breaking pathos

to be always doomed to the comic

o make me a cockroach entirely

or make me a human once more

give me the mind of a cockroach

or give me the shape of a man

if i were to plan out a drama

great as great shakespeare s othello

it would be touched with the cockroach

and people would say it was comic

even the demons i talk with

ghosts of the damned that await

vile incarnation as spiders

affect to consider me comic

wait till their loathsome embodiment

wears into the stuff of the spirit

and then let them laugh if they can

damned he the soul of pythagoras

who flrst fllled the fates with this notion

of transmigration of spirits

i hope he turns into a flea

on tne back of a hound of hell

and is chased for a million years

with a set of red hot teeth

exclamation point

archy

_______________________

19. mehitabel and her kittens

well boss

mehitabel the cat

has reappeared in her old

haunts with a

flock of kittens

three of them this time

archy she says to me

yesterday

the life of a female

artist is continually

hampered what in hell

have i done to deserve

all these kittens

i look back on my life

and it seems to me to be

just one damned kitten

after another

i am a dancer archy

and my only prayer

is to be allowed

to give my best to my art

but just as i feel

that i am succeeding

in my life work

along comes another batch

of these damned kittens

it is not archy

that i am shy on mother love

god knows i care for

the sweet little things

curse them

but am i never to be allowed

to live my own life

i have purposely avoided

matrimony in the interests

of the higher life

but i might just

as well have been a domestic

slave for all the freedom

i have gained

i hope none of them

gets run over by

an automobile

my heart would bleed

if anything happened

to them and i found it out

but it isn t fair archy

it isn t fair

these damned tom cats have all

the fun and freedom

if i was like some of these

green eyed feline vamps i know

i would simply walk out on the

bunch of them and

let them shift for themselves

but i am not that kind

archy i am full of mother love

my kindness has always

been my curse

a tender heart is the cross i bear

self sacrifice always and forever

is my motto damn them

i will make a home

for the sweet innocent

little things

unless of course providence

in his wisdom should remove

them they are living

just now in an abandoned

garbage can just behind

a made over stable in greenwich

village and if it rained

into the can before i could

get back and rescue them

i am afraid the little

dears might drown

it makes me shudder just

to think of it

of course if i were a family cat

they would probably

be drowned anyhow

sometimes i think

the kinder thing would be

for me to carry the

sweet little things

over to the river

and drop them in myself

but a mother s love archy

is so unreasonable

something always prevents me

these terrible

conflicts are always

presenting themselves

to the artist

the eternal struggle

between art and life archy

is something fierce

my what a dramatic life i have lived

one moment up the next

moment down again

but always gay archy always gay

and always the lady too

in spite of hell

well boss it will

be interesting to note

just how mehitabel

works out her present problem

a dark mystery still broods

over the manner

in which the former

family of three kittens

disappeared

one day she was taking to me

of the kittens

and the next day when i asked

her about them

she said innocently

what kittens

interrogation point

and that was all

i could ever get out

of her on the subject

we had a heavy rain

right after she spoke to me

but probably that garbage can

leaks so the kittens

have not yet

been drowned

_________________

20. archy is shocked

speaking of shocking things

as so many people are these days

i noted an incident

in a subway train recently

that made my blood run cold

a dignified looking

gentleman with a long

brown beard

in an abent minded manner

suddenly reached up and

pulled his own left eye

from the socket and ate it

the consternation in the car

may be imagined

people drew away from him

on all sides women screamed and

fainted in a moment every one

but the guard and myself

were huddled in the end of the car

looking at the dignified

gentleman with terror

the guard was sweating

with excitement but he stood

his ground sir said the guard

you cannot intimidate me

nor can you mystify me

i am a wise boid

you sir are a glass eater

and that was a glass eye

to the devil with a country

where people can t mind their own

business said the dignified gentleman

i am not a glass eater

if you must know and that was not

a glass eye it was a pickled onion

can not a man eat pickled

onions in this community

without exciting remark

the curse of this nation

is the number of meddlesome

matties

who are forever attempting

to restrict the liberty

of the individual i suppose

the next thing will be a law

on the statute books prohibiting

the consumption of pickled onions

and with another curse

he passed from the train

which had just then drawn up

beside

a station and went out

of my life forever

archy

____________

21. archy creates a situation

whoever owns the typewriter

that this is sticking in will confer

a favour by mailing it to

mister marquis

well boss i am somewhere in long island

and i know now how

it got its name

i started out to find the

place you are commuting from and

after considerable trouble and being for some

days on the way i have lost myself but

at twilight last evening i

happened to glance towards a lighted

window in a house near the railway

and i saw a young woman writing on a typewriter i

waited until the light was out and crawled

up the side of the house and through a

hole in the screen fortunately there was a

piece of paper in the machine it was my only

chance to communicate with you and ask

you to hurry a relief party when

the house got quiet i began to write

the foregoing a moment ago i was

interrupted by a woman s voice what

was that noise she said nothing at all

said a man s voice you are always

hearing things at night but it

sounded as if my typewriter were clicking she

insisted go to sleep said he then

i clicked it some more henry get up she said

there s some one in the house a moment

later the light was turned on and

they both stood in the doorway of the room now

are you satisfied he said you

see there is no one in here at

all i was hiding in the shadow under the

keys they went back into

their bed room and i began to write

the foregoing lines

henry henry she said do you hear that

i do he says it is nothing but the

house cooling off it always cracks that way

cooling off nothing she said not a

hot night like this then said henry it

is cracking with the heat i tell you

she said that is the typewriter clicking well

he said you saw for yourself the room was

empty and the door was locked it can t

be the typewriter to prove it to you

i will bring it in here he did so the

machine was set down

in the moonlight which came in one of

the windows with the key side in the

shadow there he said look at it and see

for yourself it is not being operated by any one

just then i began to write the foregoing

lines hopping from key

to key in the shadow and heing anxious

to finish my

god my god cried henry losing his nerve

the machine is writing all by itself it

is a ghost and threw himself face

downward on the bed and hid his face in the

pillow and kept on saying my god my

god it is a ghost and the woman screamed

and said it is

tom higginbotham s ghost that s whose ghost

it is oh i know whose

ghost it is my conscience tells me i

jilted him when we were studying

stenography together

at the business college and he went into

a decline and died and i have always

known in my heart that he

died of unrequited love o what a

wicked girl i was and he has come

back to haunt me

i have brought a curse upon you henry chase

him away says henry trembling so the bed

shook chase him away mable you coward you

chase him away yourself says mable and hoth lay

and recriminated and recriminated

with their heads under the covers hot

night though it was while i wrote

the foregoing lines but after

a while it came out henry had a

stenographer on his conscience too and

they got into a row and got so

mad they forgot to be scared i will

close now this house is easily seen from the

railroad station and the woman sits

in the window and writes i will be behind the waste

paper receptacle outside the station door

come and get me i am foot sore and weary

they are still quarrelling as i

close i can do no less than

say thank you mable and henry in

advance for mailing this

archy

_____________

22. mehitabel sings a song

weIl boss mehitabel the cat

has been wooing

the muse no pun please

and i am pivileged

to present her song just

as she sang it to

several of her dubious

feline friends in the alley

last night as follows

there s a dance or two

in the old dame yet

believe me you

there s a dance or two

before i m through

you get me pet

there s a dance or two

in the old dame yet

life s too dam funny

for me to explain

it s kicks or money

life s too dam funny

it s one day sunny

the next day rain

life s too dam funny

for me to explain

but toujours gai

is my motto kid

the devil s to pay

but toujours gai

and once in a way

let s lift the lid

but toujours gai

is my motto kid

thank god i m a lady

and class will tell

you hear me sadie

thank god i m a lady

my past is shady

but wotthehell

thank god i m a lady

and class will tell

a gentleman friend

i met t other day

coaxed me to amend

a gentleman friend

you meet oa a bend

is often that way

a gentleman friend

i met t other day

i says to him dearie

i live my own life of

marriage i m leery

i says to him dearie

if you wasn t beery

you wouldn t say wife

i says to him dearie

i live my own life

i says to him bertie

i ll end down the bay

the garbage scow s dirty

i says to him bertie

but me here and gertie

is both on our way

i says to him bertie

i ll end down the bay

i never sing blue

wotthehell bill

believe me you

i never sing blue

there s a dance or two

in the old dame still

i never sing blue

wotthehell bill

it appears to me boss

that mehitabel is still far

from being the quiet

domestic character you and i

had hoped she might become

archy

_______________

23. aesop revised by archy

a wolf met a spring

lamb drinking

at a stream

and said to her

you are the lamb

that muddied this stream

all last year

so that i could not

get a clean fresh drink

i am resolved that

this outrage

shall not be enacted again

this season

i am going to kill you

just a moment

said the lamb

i was not born last

year so it could not

have been i

the wolf then pulled

a number of other

arguments as to why the lamb

should die but in each case the lamb

pretty innocent that she was

easily proved

herself guiltless

well well said the wolf

enough of argument

you are right and i am wrong

but i am going to eat

you anyhow

because i am hungry

stop exclamation point

cried a human voice

and a man came over

the slope of the ravine

vile lupine marauder

you shall not kill that

beautiful and innocent

lamb for i shall save her

exit the wolf

left upper entrance

snarling

poor little lamb

continued our human hero

sweet tender little thing

it is well that i appeared

just when i did it

makes my blood boil

to think of the fright

to which you have been

subjected in another

moment i would have been

too late come home with me

and the lamb frolicked

about her new found friend

gambolliog as to the sound

of a wordsworthian tabor

and leaping for joy

as if propelled by a stanza

from william blake

these vile and bloody wolves

went on our hero

in honest indignation

they must be cleared out

of the country

the meads must be made safe

for sheepocracy

and so jollying her along

with the usual human hokum

he led her to his home

and the son of a gun

did not even blush when

they passed the mint bed

gently he cut her throat

all the while inveighing

against the inhuman wolf

and tenderly he cooked her

and lovingly he sauced her

and meltingly he ate her

and piously he said a grace

thanking his gods

for their bountiful gifts to him

and after dinner

he sat with his pipe

before the fire meditating

on the brutality of wolves

and the injustice of

the universe

which allows them to harry

poor innocent lambs

and wondering if he

had not better

write to the papers

for as he said

for god s sake can t

something be done about it

archy

________________

24. cheerio my deario

well boss i met

mehitabel  the cat

trying to dig a

frozen lamp chop

out of a snow

drift the other day

a heluva comedown

that is for me archy

she says a few

brief centuries

ago one of old

king

tut

ankh

amen s favourite

queens and today

the village scavenger

but wotehehell

archy wotthehell

it s cheerio

my deario that

pulls a lady through

see here mehitabel

i said i thought

you told me that

it was cleopatra

you used to be

before you

transmigrated into

the carcase of a cat

where do you get

this tut

ankh

amen

stuff

question mark

i was several

ladies my little

insect says she

being cleopatra was

only an incident

in my career

and i was always getting

the rough end of it

always being

misunderstood by some

strait laced

prune faced bunch

of prissy mouthed

sisters of uncharity

the things that

have been said

about me archy

exclamation point

and all simply

because i was a

live dame

the palaces i have

been kicked out of

in my time

exclamation point

but wotthehell

little archy wot

thehell

it s cheerio

my deario

that pulls a

lady through

exclamation point

framed archy always

framed that is the

story of all my lives

no chance for a dame

with the anvil chorus

if she shows a little

motion it seems to

me only yesterday

that the luxor

local number one

of the ladies axe

association got me in

dutch with king tut

and he slipped me the

sarcophagus always my

luck yesterday an empress

and today too

emaciated to interest

a vivisectionist but

toujours gai archy

toujours gai and always

a lady in spite of hell

and transmigration

once a queen

always a queen

archy

period

one of her feet was frozen

but on the other three

she began to caper and

dance singing it s

cheerio my deario

that pulls a lady

through her morals may

have been mislaid somewhere

in the centuries boss but

i admire her spirit

archy

_______________

25. the lesson of the moth

i was talking to a moth

the other evening

he was trying to break into

an electric light bulb

and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows

pull this stunt i asked him

because it is the conventional

thing for moths or why

if that had been an uncovered

candle instead of an electric

light bulb you would

now be a small unsightly cinder

have you no sense

plenty of it he answered

but at times we get tired

of using it

we get bored with the routine

and crave beauty

and excitement

fire is beautiful

and we know that if we get

too close it will kill us

but what does that matter

it is better to be happy

for a moment

and be burned up with beauty

than to live a long time

and be bored all the while

so we wad all our life up

into one little roll

and then we shoot the roll

that is what life is for

it is better to be a part of beauty

for one instant and then cease to

exist than to exist forever

and never be a part of beauty

our attitude toward life

is come easy go easy

we are like human beings

used to be before they became

too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him

out of his philosophy

he went and immolated himself

on a patent cigar lighter

i do not agree with him

myself i would rather have

half the happiness and twice

the longevity

but at the same time i wish

there was something i wanted

as badly as he wanted to fry himself

archy

_____________________

26. a roach of the taverns

i went into a

speakeasy the other night

with some of the

boys and we were all sitting

around under one of

the tables making

merry with crumbs and

cheese and what not but

after while a strange

melancholy descended

upon the jolly crew and

one old brown veteran roach

said with a sigh well

boys eat drink and

be maudlin for

tomorrow we are dry the

shadow of the padlock

rushes toward us

like a sahara sandstorm

flinging itself at an oasis

for years myself and my

ancestors before me have

inhabited yonder ice box but

the day approaches

when our old homestead

will be taken away from

here and scalded out

yes says i soon there will

be nothing but that

eheu fugaces stuff

on every hand i

never drank it says he

what kind of a

drink is it

it is bitter as wormwood

says i and the

only chaser to it is

the lethean water

it is not the booze itself

that i regret so

much said the old brown

roach it is the

golden companionship of

the tavern myself

and my ancestors have been

chop house and tavern

roaches for hundreds of years

countless generations back

one of my elizabethan

forbears was plucked from

a can of ale in the

mermaid tavern by

will shakespeare and

put down kit marlowe s back

what subtle wits they were in

those days said i yes

he said and later

another one of my

ancestors was

introduced into a larded

hare that addison

was eating by dicky steele

my ancestor came

skurrying forth dicky

said is that your own

hare joe or a wig a

thing which addison

never forgave yours is a

remarkable family

history i said yes he

said i am the last

of a memorable

line one of my

ancestors was found drowned

in the ink well

out of which poor

eddie poe wrote the

raven we have

always associated with wits

bohemians and bon

vivants my maternal

grandmother was slain by

john masefield with

a bung starter well well it

is sad i said the

glad days pass yes

he says soon we will all

be as dry as the

egyptian scarab that

lies in the sarcophagus

beside the mummy of rameses and

he hasn t had a

drink for four thousand

years it is sad for

you he continued but

think how much sadder it

is for me with

a family tradition such as

mine only one of my

ancestors cheese it i said

interrupting him i do

not wish to injure

your feelings but i weary

of your ancestors i

have often noticed that

ancestors never boast

of the descendants who boast

of ancestors i would

rather start a family than

finish one blood will tell but often

it tells too much

archy

__________________

28.  pete the parrot and shakespeare

i got acquainted with

a parrot named pete recently

who is an interesting bird

pete says he used

to belong to the fellow

that ran the mermaid tavern

in london then i said

you must have known

shakespeare know him said pete

poor mutt i knew him well

he called me pete and i called him

bill but why do you say poor mutt

well said pete bill was a

disappointed man and was always

boring his friends about what

he might have been and done

if he only had a fair break

two or three pints of sack

and sherris and the tears

would trickle down into his

beard and his beard would get

soppy and wilt his collar

i remember one night when

bill and ben johnson and

frankie beaumont

were sopping it up

here i am ben says bill

nothing but a lousy playwright

and with anything like luck

in the breaks i might have been

a fairly decent sonnet writer

i might have been a poet

if i had kept away from the theatre

yes says ben i ve often

thought of that bill

but one consolation is

you are making pretty good money

out of the theatre

money money says bill what the hell

is money what i want is to be

a poet not a business man

these damned cheap shows

i turn out to keep the

theatre running break my heart

slap stick comedies and

blood and thunder tragedies

and melodramas say i wonder

if that boy heard you order

another bottle frankie

the only compensation is that i get

a chance now and then

to stick in a little poetry

when nobody is looking

but hells bells that isn t

what i want to do

i want to write sonnets and

songs and spenserian stanzas

and i might have done it too

if i hadn t got

into this frightful show game

business business business

grind grind grind

what a life for a man

that might have been a poet

well says frankie beaumont

why don t you cut it bill

i can t says bill

i need the money i ve got

a family to support down in

the country well says frankie

anyhow you write pretty good

plays bill any mutt can write

plays for this london public

says bill if he puts enough

murder in them what they want

is kings talking like kings

never had sense enough to talk

and stabbings and stranglings

and fat men making love

and clown basting each

other with clubs and cheap puns

and off color allusions to all

the smut of the day oh i know

what the low brows want

and i give it to them

well says ben johnson

don t blubber into the drink

brace up like a man

and quit the rotten business

i can t i can t says bill

i ve been at it too long i ve got to

the place now where i can t

write anything else

but this cheap stuff

i m ashamed to look an honest

young sonneteer in the face

i live a hell of a life i do

the manager hands me some mouldy old

manuscript and says

bill here s a plot for you

this is the third of the month

by the tenth i want a good

script out this that we

can start rehearsals on

not too big a cast

and not too much of your

damned poetry either

you know your old

familiar line of hokum

they eat up that falstaff stuff

of yours ring him in again

and give them a good ghost

or two and remember we gotta

have something dick burbage can get

his teeth into and be sure

and stick in a speech

somewhere the queen will take

for a personal compliment and if

you get in a line or two somewhere

about the honest english yeoman

it s always good stuff

and it s a pretty good stunt

bill to have the heavy villain

a moor or a dago or a jew

or something like that and say

i want another

comic welshman in this

but i don t need to tell

you bill you know this game

just some of your ordinary

hokum and maybe you could

kill a little kid or two a prince

or something they like

a little pathos along with

the dirt now you better see burbage

tonight and see what he wants

in that part oh says bill

to think i am

debasing my talents with junk

like that oh god what i wanted

was to be a poet

and write sonnet serials

like a gentleman should

well says i pete

bill s plays are highly

esteemed to this day

is that so says pete

poor mutt little he would

care what poor bill wanted

was to be a poet

archy

_______________

29.  archy confesses

coarse

jocosity

catches the crowd

shakespeare

and i

are often

low browed

the fish wife

curse

and the laugh

of the horse

shakespeare

and i

are frequently

coarse

aesthetic

excuses

in bill s behalf

are adduced

to refine

big bill s

coarse laugh

but bill

he would chuckle

to hear such guff

he pulled

rough stuff

and he liked

rough stuff

hoping you

are the same

archy

_______________

30.  the old trouper

i ran onto mehitabel again

last evening

she is inhabiting

a decayed trunk

which lies in an alley

in greenwich village

in company with the

most villainous tom cat

i have ever seen

but there is nothing

wrong about the association

archy she told me

it is merely a plutonic

attachment

and the thing can be

believed for the tom

looks like one of pluto s demons

it is a theatre trunk

archy mehitabel told me

and tom is an old theatre cat

he has given his life

to the theatre

he claims that richard mansfield

once kicked him out of the way

and then cried because

he had done it and

petted him

and at another time

he says in a case

of emergency

he played a bloodhound

in a production of

uncle tom s cabin

the stage is not what it

used to be tom says

he puts his front paw

on his breast and says

they don t have it any more

they don t have it here

the old troupers are gone

there s nobody can troupe

any more

they are all amateurs nowadays

they haven t got it

here

there are only

five or six of us oldtime

troupers left

this generation does not know

what stage presence is

personality is what they lack

personality

where would they get

the training my old friends

got in the stock companies

i knew mr booth very well

says tom

and a law should be passed

preventing anybody else

from ever playing

in any play he ever

played in

there was a trouper for you

i used to sit on his knee

and purr when i was

a kitten he used to tell me

how much he valued my opinion

finish is what they lack

finish

and they haven t got it

here

and again he laid his paw

on his breast

i remember mr daly very

well too

i was with mr daly s company

for several years

there was art for you

there was team work

there was direction

they knew the theatre

and they all had it

here

for two years mr daly

would not ring up the curtain

unless i was in the

prompter s box

they are amateurs nowadays

rank amateurs all of them

for two seasons i played

the dog in joseph

jefferson s rip van winkle

it is true i never came

on the stage

but he knew i was just off

and it helped him

i would like to see

one of your modern

theatre cats

act a dog so well

that it would convince

a trouper like jo jefferson

but they haven t got it

nowadays

they haven t got it

here

jo jefferson had it he had it

here

i come of a long line

of theatre cats

my grandfather

was with forrest

he had it he was a real trouper

my grandfather said

he had a voice

that used to shake

the ferryboats

on the north river

once he lost his beard

and my grandfather

dropped from the

fly gallery and landed

under his chin

and played his beard

for the rest of the act

you don t see any theatre

cats that could do that

nowadays

they haven t got it they

haven t got it

here

once i played the owl

in modjeska s production

of macbeth

i sat above the castle gate

in the murder scene

and made my yellow

eyes shine through the dusk

like an owl s eyes

modjeska was a real

trouper she knew how to pick

her support i would like

to see any of these modern

theatre cats play the owl s eyes

to modjeska s lady macbeth

but they haven t got it nowadays

they haven t got it

here

mehitabel he says

both our professions

are being ruined

by amateurs

archy

_______________

31.  archy declares war

i am going to start

a revolution

i saw a kitchen

worker killing

water bugs with poison

hunting pretty

little roaches

down to death

it set my blood to

boiling

i thought of all

the massacres and slaughter

of persecuted insects

at the hands of cruel humans

and i cried

aloud to heaven

and i knelt

on all six legs

and vowed a vow

of vengeance

i shall organize the insects

i shall drill them

i shall lead them

i shall fling a billion

times a billion billion

risen insects in an army

at the throats

of all you humans

unless you sign the papers

for a damn site better treatment

volunteers volunteers

hearken to my calling

fifty million flies

are wanted may the first

to die in marmalade

curses curses curses

on the cruel human race

does not the poor mosquito

love her little offspring

that you swat against the wall

out of equatorial

swamps and fever jungles

come o mosquitoes

a bilIion billion strong

and sting a billion baldheads

till they butt against each other

and break like egg shells

caterpillars locusts

grasshoppers gnats

vampire moths

black legged spiders

with red hearts of hell

centipedes and scorpions

little gingery ants

come come come

come you tarantulas

with fury in your feet

bloodsuckers wriggle

out of the bayous

ticks cooties hornets

give up your pleasures

all your little trivial

sunday school picnics

this is war

in earnest

and red revolution

come in a cloud

with a sun hiding miracle

of small deadly wings

swarm stab and bite

what we want is justice

curses curses curses

over land air and water

whirl in a million

sweeping and swaying

cyclonic dances

whirl high and swoop

down on the cities

like a comet bearing death

in the loop and flick

of its tail

little little creatures

out of all your billions

make great dragons

that lie along the sky a

nd war with the sunset

and eat up the moon

draw all the poison

from the evil stars

and spit it on the earth

remember every planet

pivots on an atom

and so you are strong

i swear by the great

horned toad of mithridates

i swear by the vision

of whiskered old pythagoras

that i am very angry

i am mad as hell

for i have seen a soapy

kitchen mechanic

murdering my brothers

slaying little roaches

pathetic in their innocence

damn her red elbows

damn her spotted apron

damn her steamy hair

damn her dull eyes

that look like a pair

of little pickled onions

curses curses curses

i even heard her praised

for undertaking murder

on her own volition

and called the only perfect

cook in the city

come come come

come in your billions

tiny small feet

and humming little wings

crawlers and creepers

wigglers and stingers

scratchers borers slitherers

little forked tongues

man is at your mercy

one sudden gesture

and all his empires perish

rise

strike for freedom

curses on the species

that invented roach poison

curses on the stingy

beings that evolved

tight zinc covers

that you can t crawl under

for their garbage cans

come like a sandstorm

spewed from the mouth

of a great apocalyptic

desert making devil

come like the spray

sooty and fiery s

norted from the nostrils

of a sky eating ogre

let us have a little

direct action is the

sincere wish of

archy

_________________

32. the hen and the oriole

well boss did it

ever strike you that a

hen regrets it just as

much when they wring her

neck as an oriole but

nobody has any

sympathy for a hen because

she is not beautiful

while every one gets

sentimental over the

oriole and says how

shocking to kill the

lovely thing this thought

comes to my mind

because of the earnest

endeavour of a

gentleman to squash

me yesterday afternoon when i

was riding up in the

elevator if i had been a

butterfly he would have

said how did that

beautiful thing happen to

find its way into

these grimy city streets do

not harm the splendid

creature hut let it

fly back to its rural

haunts again beauty always

gets the best of

it be beautiful boss

a thing of beauty is a

joy forever be handsome boss and let

who will be clever is

the sad advice

of your ugly little friend

archy

______________

33.  ghosts

you want to know

whether i believe in ghosts

of course i do not believe in them

if you had known

as many of them as i have

you would not

believe in them either

perhaps i have been

unfortunate in my acquaintance

but the ones i have known

have been a bad lot

no one could believe in them

after being acquainted with them

a short time

it is true that i have met

them under peculiar

circumstances

that is while they

were migrating into the

bodies of what human beings

consider a lower order

of creatures

before i became a cockroach

i was a free verse poet

one of the pioneers of the artless art

and my punishment for that

was to have my soul

enter the body of a cockroach

the ghosts i have known

were the ghosts of persons

who were waiting for a vacant

body to get into

they knew they were going

to transmigrate into the bodies of

lizards lice bats snakes

worms beetles mice alley cats

turtles snails tadpoles

etcetera

and while they were waiting

they were as cross as all get out

i remember talking to one of them

who had just worked his way

upward again he had been in the

body of a flea and he was going

into a cat fish

you would think he might be

grateful for the promotion

but not he

i do not call this much of an advance

he said why could i not

be a humming bird or something

kid i told him it will

take you a million years to work your

way up to a humming bird

when i remember he said

that i used to be a hat check boy

in a hotel i could

spend a million years weeping

to think that i should come to this

we have all seen better days i said

we have all come down in the world

you have not come down as far

as some of us

if i ever get to be a hat check boy

again he said i will sting

somebody for what i have had to suffer

that remark will probably cost you

another million years among

the lower creatures i told him

transmigration is a great thing

if you do not weaken

personally my ambition is to get

my time as a cockroach shortened for

good behaviour and be promoted

to a revenue officer

it is not much of a step up but

i am humble

i never ran across any of this

ectoplasm that sir arthur

conan doyle tells of but it sounds

as if it might be wonderful

stuff to mend broken furniture with

archy

______________

34.  archy hears from mars

at eleven o clock

p m on last saturday evening

i received the following

message on my

own private radio set

good evening little archibald

and how are you

this is mars speaking

i replied at once

whom or who

as the case may be

do i know on mars

every one here is familiar

with your work archy

was the answer

and we feel well repaid

for all the trouble we have had

in getting in touch

with your planet

thank you i replied

i would rather hear

mars say that

than any other planet

mars has always been

one of my favourite planets

it is sweet of you

to think that way about us

said mars

and so we continued to pay

each other interstellar

compliments

what is or are

thirty five million miles

between kindred souls

tell us all about

your planet said mars

well i said it is

round like an orange

or a ball

and it is all cluttered

up with automobiles

and politicians

it doesn t know where it is

going nor why

but it is in a hurry

it is in charge of a

two legged animal called

man who is genuinely

puzzled as to whether

his grandfather was a god

or a monkey

i should think said mars

that what he is himself

would make more difference

than what his grandfather was

not to this animal i replied

he is the great alibi ike of

the cosmos when he raises hell

just because he feels like

raising hell

he wants somebody to blame it on

can t anything be done about him

said mars

i am doing the best i can

i answered

but after all i am only one

and my influence is limited

you are too modest archy

said mars

we all but worship you

here on this planet

a prophet said i is not

without honour save on his own

planet wait a minute

said mars

i want to write that down

that is one of your best things

archy is it original

it was once i answered truthfully

and may be again

won t you tell us a little

something said mars

about yourself what you look like

and what you think

is the best thing you have written

and your favourite games

and that sort of thing

well i said i am brunette

and stand over six feet

without any shoes on

the best skits i have done

were some little plays

i dashed off

under the general title

of shakespeare s plays

and my favourite sport is theology

you must meet

a great many interesting people

said mars

oh yes i said one becomes

accustomed to that after a while

what is your favourite dish

said mars and do you believe

in the immortality of the soul

stew i said and yes

at least mine is immortal

but i could name several others

that i have my doubts about

is there anything else

of interest about your planet

which you wish to tell your

many admirers on mars

asked mars

there is very little else

of any real interest i said

and now will you tune out

and let me do some work

you people who say you admire

my work are always butting in

and taking up my time

how the hell can i get any

serious literary work done

if you keep bothering me

all the time now you get off

the ether and let me do some

deep thinking

you might add that i am shy

and loathe publicity

archy

___________

35.  mehitabel dances with boreas

well boss i saw mehitabel

last evening

she was out in the aIley

dancing on the cold cobbles

while the wild december wind

blew through her frozen whiskers

and as she danced

she wailed and sang to herself

uttering the fragments

that rattled in her coId brain

in part as follows

whirl mehitabel whirl

spin mehitabel spin

thank god you re a lady still

if you have got a frozen skin

blow wind out of the north

to hell with being a pet

my left froot foot is brittle

but there s life in the old dame yet

dance mehitahel dance

caper and shake a leg

what little blood is left

wiII fizz like wine in a keg

wind come out of the north

and pierce to the guts within

but some day mehitabel s guts

will string a violin

moon you re as cold as a frozen

skin of yellow banana

that sticks in the frost and ice

on top of a garbage can

and you throw a shadow so chilly

that it can scarcely leap

dance shadow dance

you ve got no place to sleep

whistle a tune north wind

on my hollow marrow bones

i ll dance the time with three good feet

here on the alley stones

freeze you bloody december

i never could stay a pet

but i am a lady in spite of hell

and there s life in the old dame yet

whirl mehitabel whirl

flirt your tail and spin

dance to the tune your guts will cry

when they string a violin

eight of my lives are gone

it s years since my fur was slicked

but blow north wind blow

I m damned if i am licked

girls we was all of us ladies

we was o what the hell

and once a lady always game

by crikey blood will tell

i might he somebody s pet

asleep by the fire on a rug

but me i was always romantic

i had the adventurous bug

caper mehitabel caper

leap shadow leap

you gotto dance till the sun comes up

for you got no place to sleep

i might have been many a tom cat s wife

but i got no regret

i lived my life as i liked my life

and there s pep in the old dame yet

blow wind out of the north

you cut like a piece of tin

slice my guts into fiddle strings

and we ll have a violin

spin mebitabel spin

you had a romantic past

and you re gonna cash in dancing

when you are croaked at last

i will not eat tomorrow and

i did not eat today

but wotthehell i ask you

the word is toujours gai

whirl mehitabel whirl

i once was a maltese pet

till i went and got abducted

and cripes i m a lady yet

whirl mehitabel whirl

and show your shadow how

tonight its dance with the bloody moon

tomorrow the garbage scow

whirl mehitabel whirl

spin shadow spin

the wind will pipe on your marrow bones

your slats are a mandolin

by cripes i have danced the shimmy

in rooms as warm as a dream

and gone to sleep on a cushion

with a bellyful of cream

it s one day up and next day down

i led a romantic life

it was being abducted so many times

as spoiled me for a wife

dance mehitabel dance

till your old bones fly apart

i ain t got any regrets

for i gave my life to my art

whirl mehitabel whirl

caper my girl and grin

and pick at your guts with your frosty feet

they re the strings of a violin

girls we was all of us ladies

until we went and fell

and oncet a thoroughbred always game

i ask you wotthehell

it s last week up and this week down

and always the devil to pay

but cripes i was always the lady

and the word is toujours gai

and the word is toujours gai

be a tabby tame if you want

somebody s pussy and pet

the life i led was the life i liked

and there s pep in tbe old dame yet

whirl mehitahel whirl

leap shadow leap

you gotto dance till the sun comes up

for you got no place to sleep

archy

________________

36.  archy at the zoo

the centipede adown the street

goes braggartly with scores of feet

a gaudy insect but aot neat

the octopus s secret wish

is not to be a formal fish

he dreams that some time he may grow

another set of legs or so

and be a broadway music show

oh do not always take a chance

upon an open countenance

the hippopotamus s smile

conceals a nature full of guile

human wandering through the zoo

what do your cousins think of you

i worry not of what the sphinx

thinks or maybe thinks she thinks

i have observed a setting hen

arise from that same attitude

and cackle forth to chicks and men

some quite superfluous platitude

serious camel sad giraffe

are you afraid that if you laugh

those graceful necks will break in half

a lack of any mental outlet

dictates the young cetacean s spoutlet

he frequent blows like me and you

because there s nothing else to do

when one sees in the austral dawn

a wistful penguin perched upon

a bald man’s bleak and desert dome

one knows tis yearning for its home

the quite irrational ichneumon

is such a fool it s almost human

despite the sleek shark s far flung grin

and his pretty dorsal fin

his heart is hard and black within

even within a dentist s chair

he still preserves a sinister air

a prudent dentist always fills

himself with gas before he drills

archy

_______________

37.  the dissipated hornet

well boss i had a

great example of the corrupting

influence ofthe great

city brought to my notice recently a

drunken hornet blew in here

the other day and sat down in the

corner and dozed and buzzed not a

real sleep you know one of those wakeful

liquor trances witb the

fuzzy talk oozing out of it to hear

this guy mumble in his dreams he was right

wicked my name he says is crusty bill

i never been licked and i never will and

then he would go half way asleep

again nobody around here wanted to

fight him and after a while he got

sober enough to know how drunk he had

been and began to cry over it and get

sentimental about himself mine is a wasted

life he says but i had a good

start red liquor ruined me he says

and sobbed tell me your story i

said two years ago he said i was a country

hornet young and strong and handsome i

lived in a rusty rainspout with my

parents and brothers and sisters and all was

innocent and merry often in that happy

pastoral life would we swoop down

with joyous laughter and sting the school

children on the village green but on an evil

day alas i came to the city in a crate

of peaches i found myself in a market

near the water front alone and friendless in the

great city its ways were strange to

me food seemed inaccessible i thought

that i might starve to death as i was buzzing

down the street thinking these gloomy

thoughts i met another hornet

just outside a speakeasy kid he says

you look down in the mouth forget

it kid i will show you how to live without

working how i says watch me he says just

then a drunken fly came crawling out

of the bar room in a leisurely way my new

found friend stung dissected and consumed that fly

that s the way he says smacking his lips

this is the life that was a beer fly

wait and i will get you a cocktail fly this

is the life i took up that life alas

the flies around a bar room get so drunk drinking

what is spilled that they are helpless all a

hornet has to do is wait calmly until

they come staggering out and there is

his living ready made for him at first being

young and innocent i ate only beer flies but

the curse of drink got me the mad life began

to tell upon me i got so i wouId not eat a

fly that was not full of some strong and heady

liquor the lights and life got me i would

not eat fruits and vegetables any more i scorned

flies from a soda fountain

they seemed flat and insipid to me

finally i got so wicked that i

went back to the country and got six innocent

young hornets and brought them back

to the city with me i started them in the

business i debauched them and

they caught my flies for me now i am in

an awful situation my six hornets from the

country have struck and set up on their own

hook i have to catch my flies myself

and my months of idleness and

dissipation have spoiled my technique i

can t catch a fly now unless he is dead drunk

what is to become of me alas the curse

of alcoholic beverages especially with each

meal well i said it is a sad story

bill and of a sort only too

common in this day of ours it is he says i

have the gout in my stinger so bad

that i scream with pain every time i spear

a fly i got into a safe place on the

inside of the typewriter and yelled out at him

my advice is suicide bill all the time

he had been pitying himself my sympathy had

been with the flies

archy

______________

38.  unjust

poets are always asking

where do the little roses go

underneath the snow

but no one ever thinks to say

where do the little insects stay

this is because

as a general rule

roses are more handsome

than insects

beauty gets the best of it

in this world

have heard people

say how wicked it was

to kill our feathered

friends

in order to get

their plumage and pinions

for the hats of women

and all the while

these same people

might be eating duck

as they talked

the chances are

that it is just as discouraging

to a duck to have

her head amputated

in order to become

a stuffed roast fowl

and decorate a dining table

as it is for a bird

of gayer plumage

to be bumped

off the running board of existence

to furnish plumage

for a lady s hat

but the duck

does not get the sympathy

because the duck

is not beautiful

the only insect

that succeeds in getting

mourned is a moth

or butterfly

whereas every man s

heel is raised against

the spider

and it is getting harder

and harder for spiders

to make an honest living

at that since

human beings have invented

so many ways

of killing flies

humanity will shed poems

full of tears

over the demise of a

bounding doe

or a young gazelle

but the departure of a trusty

camel leaves the

vast majorities

stonily indifferent

erhaps the theory is

hat god would not have made

the camel so ugly

if the camel were not wicked

alas exclamation point

the pathos of ugliness

is only perceived

by us cockroaches of the world

and personally

i am having to stand for a lot

i am getting it double

as you might say

before my soul

migrated into the body

of a cockroach

it inhabited the carcase

of a vers libre poet

some vers libre poets are beautiful

but i was not

i had a little blond moustache

that every one thought was a mistake

and yet since i have died

i have thought of that

with regret

it hung over a mouth

that i found it difficult to keep closed

because of adenoidal trouble

but it would have been better

if i could have kept it closed

because the teeth within

were out of alignment

and were of odd sizes

his destroyed my acoustics

as you might say

my chin was nothing much

and knew it

and timidly shrank

into itself

receding from the battle of life

my eyes were all right

but my eyebrows

were scarcely noticeable

i suppose though that if

i had had noticeable eyebrows t

hey would have been wrong

somehow

well well not to pursue

this painful subject

to the uttermost and ultimate

wart and freckle

i was not handsome and it hampered

me when i was a human

it militated against me

as a poet

more beautiful creatures could

write verse worse than mine

and get up and recite it

with a triumphant air

and get away with it

but my sublimest ideas

were thought to be a total

loss when people saw

where they came from

i think it would have been

only justice

if i had been sent to inhabit

a butterfly

but there is very little

justice in the universe

what is the use

of being the universe

if you have to be just

interrogation point

and i suppose the universe

had so much really important

business on hand

that it flnds it impossible

to look after the details

it is rushed

perhaps it has private

knowledge to the effect

that eternity is brief

after all

and it wants to get the big

jobs finished in a hurry

i find it possible to forgive

the universe

i meet it in a give and take spirit

although i do wish

that it would consult me at times

please forgive

the profundity of these

meditations

whenever i have nothing

particular to say

i find myself always always

plunging into cosmic

philosophy

or something

archy

____________

39.  the cheerful cricket

i can t see for the

life of me what there is

about crickets that makes people

call them jolly they

are the parrots of the insect race

crying cheer up cheer up

cheer up over and

over again till you want to

swat them i hate one of these

grinning skipping smirking

senseless optimists worse

than i do a cynic or a

pessimist there was

one in here the other day i was

feeling pretty well

and pleased with the world when

he started that confounded

cheer up cheer up cheer up stuff

fellow i said i am

cheerful enough or i was till

a minute ago but you

get on my nerves it s all right

to be bright and merry

but what s the use

pretending you have more

cheerfulness than there is in the

world you sound

insincere to me you insist on

it too much you make

me want to sit in

a tomb and listen to the

screech owls telling

ghost stories to the tree toads i

would rather that i heard a door squeak have

you only one record the sun

shone in my soul today before

you came and you

have made me think of the

world s woe groan

once or i will go mad your

voice floats around the world like

the ghost of a man

who laughed himself to death

listening to funny stories

the boss told i listen to you

and know why shakespeare

killed ofF mercutio so

early in the play it is only

hamlet that can

find material for five acts

cheer up cheer up cheer up he

says bo i told him i

wish i was the

woolworth tower i would fall

on you cheer up cheer up cheer

up he says again

archy

______________

40.  clarence the ghost

the longer i live the more i

realize that everything is

relative even morality is

relative things you would not do

sometimes you would do other

times for instance i would not consider

it honourable in me as a

righteous cockroach to crawl into a

near sighted man s soup that

man would not have a sporting chance but

with a man with ordinarily good eye

sight i should say it was

up to him to watch his soup himself and

yet if i was very tired and hungry

i would crawl into even a near

sighted man s soup knowing all the

time it was wrong and my necessity would

keep me from reproaching myself too

bitterly afterwards you can

not make any hard and fast rule

concerning the morality of crawling into

soup nor anything else a certain

alloy of expediency improves the

gold of morality and makes

it wear all the longer consider a

ghost if i were a ghost i

would not haunt ordinary people but i

would have all the fun i wanted to with

spiritualists for spiritualists are

awful nuisanees to ghosts i knew a

ghost by the name of clarence one

time who hated spiritualists with a

great hatred you see said clarence they

give me no rest they have got my

number once one of those psychics gets a

ghost s number so he has to come

when he is called they work him

till the astral sweat stands out in beads

on his spectral brow they seem to think

said clarence that all a spook has to do

is to stick around waiting to dash in

with a message as to whether mrs millionbucks

pet pom has pneumonia or only wheezes

because he has been eating too many

squabs clarence was quite

bitter about it but wait he says till

the fat medium with the red nose

that has my number

passes over and i can get my

clutches on him on equal terms there s

going to be some initiation beside

the styx several of the boys are

sore on him a plump chance i have

don t i to improve myself and pass on

to another star with that medium

yanling me into somebody s parlour to

blow through one of these little tin

trumpets any time of the day or night

honest archy he says i hate the sight of a

ouija board would it be moral he

says to give that goof a bum tip on the

stock market life ain t worth

dying he says if you ve got to fag

for some chinless chump of a psychic

nor death ain t worth living

through would it be moral in me to

queer that simp with his

little circle by saying he s got an

anonymous diamond brooch in his pocket

and that his trances are rapidly developing

his kleptomania no clarence i said it

wouldn t be moral but it

might be expedient there s a ghost

around here i have been trying to get

acquainted with but he is shy i think he is

probably afraid of cockroaches

archy

_________________

41.  some natural history

the patagonian

penguin

is a most

peculiar

bird

he lives on

pussy

willows

ad his tongue

is always furred

the porcupine

of chile

sleeps his life away

and that is how

the needles

get into the hay

the argentinian

oyster

is a very

subtle gink

for when he s

being eaten

he preteads he is

a skink

when you see

a sea gull

sitting

on a bald man s dome

she likely thinks

she s nesting

on her rocky

island home

do not tease

the inmates

when strolling

through the zoo

for they have

their finer feelings

the same

as me and you

oh deride not

the camel

if grief should

make him die

his ghost will come

to haunt you

with tears

in either eye

and the spirit of

a camel

in the midnight gloom

can be so very

cheerless

as it wanders

round the room

archy

________________

42.  prudence

i do not think a prudent one

will ever aim too high

a cockroach seldom whips a dog

and seldom should he try

and should a locust take a vow

to eat a pyramid

he likely would wear out his teeth

before he ever did

i do not think the prudent one

hastes to initiate

a sequence of events which he

lacks power to terminate

for should i kick the woolworth tower

so hard i laid it low

it probably might injure me

if it fell on my toe

i do not think the prudent one

will be inclined to boast

lest circumstances unforeseen

should get him goat and ghost

for should i tell my friends i d drink

the hudson river dry

a tidal wave might come and turn

my statements to a lie

archy

________________

43.  archy goes abroad

london england

since i have been

residing in westminster

abbey i have learned

a secret that i desire

to pass on to the psychic

sharps it is this

until the body of a human

being perishes utterly

the spirit is not

released from its vicinity

so long as there is any

form left in the physical

part of it the ghost can not go

to heaven or to hell

the ancient greeks

understood this and they

burned the body very often

so that the spirit could

get immediate release

the ancient egyptians

also knew it but they reacted differently

to the knowledge

they embalmed the body

so that the form would

persist for thousands

of years and the ghost would have

to stick around for a time

here in westminster abbey

there are hundreds of

ghosts that have not yet

been released

some of them are able to wander

a few miles away

and some of them cannot

go further than a few hundred

yards from the graves

where the bodies lie

for the most part they make

the best of it

they go out on little

excursions around london

and at night they sit on

their tombs and

tell their experiences

to each other

it is perhaps the most

exclusive club in london

henry the eighth came in

about three o clock this morning

after rambling about

piccadilly for a couple of hours

and i wish i had the

space to report in detail

the ensuing conversation

between him and charles dickens

now and then

a ghost can so influence

a living person that you

might say he had grabbed off

that living person s body and was

using it as his own

edward the black prince

was telling the gang

the other evening

that he had been leading the life

of a city clerk for three weeks

one of those birds

with a top hat and a sack coat

who come floating through

the mist and drizzle

with manuscript cases

under their arms looking unreal

even when they are not animated

by ghosts edward the black prince

who is known democratically

as neddie black here

says this clerk was a mild and

humble wight when he took

him over but he worked

him up to the place where

he assaulted a policeman

saturday night then left him flat

one of the most pathetic

sights however

is to see the ghost of queen

victoria going out every

evening with the ghost

of a sceptre in her hand

to find mr lytton strachey

and bean him it seems she beans

him and beans him and he

never knows it

and every night on the stroke

of midnight elizabeth tudor

is married to walter raleigh by that

eminent elergyman

dr lawrence sterne

the gang pulla a good many

pageants which are written

by ben jonson but i think

the jinks will not be properly

planned and staged until

j m barrie gets here

this is the jolliest bunch

i have met in london

they have learned

since they passed over

that appearances and suety

pudding are not all they were

cracked up to be more anon from your little friend

archy

_______________

44.  archy at the tomb of napoIeon

paris france

i went over to

the hotel des invalides

today and gazed on

the sarcophagus of the

great napoleon

and the thought came

to me as i looked

down indeed it

is true napoleon

that the best goods

come in the smallest

packages here are

you napoleon with

your glorious course

run and here is

archy just in the

prime of his career

with his greatest

triumphs still before

him neither one of us

had a happy youth

neither one of us

was welcomed socially at

the beginning of his

career neither one of

us was considered much

to look at

and in ten thousand years from

now perhaps what you said and did

napoleon will be

confused with what

archy said and did

and perhaps the burial

place of neither will be

known napoleon looking

down upon you

i wish to ask you now

frankly as one famous

person to another

has it been worth

all the energy

that we expended all the

toil and trouble and

turmoil that it cost us

if you had your life

to live over

again bonaparte would

you pursue the star

of ambition

i tell you frankly

bonaparte that i myself

would choose the

humbler part

i would put the temptation

of greatness aside

and remain an ordinary

cockroach simple

and ohscure but alas

there is a destiny that

pushes one forward

no matter how hard

one may try to resist it

i do not need to

tell you about that

bonaparte you know as

much about it as i do

yes looking at it in

the broader way neither

one of us has been to blame

for what he has done

neither for his great

successes nor his great mistakes

both of us napoleon

were impelled by some

mighty force external to

ourselves we are both to

be judged as great forces of

nature as tools in the

hand of fate rather than as

individuals who willed to

do what we have done

we must be forgiven

napoleon

you and i

when we have been

different from the common

run of creatures

i forgive you as i know

that you would forgive

me could you speak to me

and if you and i

napoleon forgive and

understand each other

what matters it if all

the world else find

things in both of us that

they find it hard

to forgive and understand

we have been

what we have been

napoleon and let them laugh that off

well after an hour or so of

meditation there i left

actually feeling that i

had been in communion

with that great spirit and

that for once in my

life i had understood and been

understood

and i went away feeling

solemn but likewise

uplifted mehitabel the

cat is missing

archy

_____________

45.  mehitabel meets an affinity

paris france

mehitabel the cat

has been passing her

time in the dubious

company of

a ragged eared tom cat

with one mean

eye and the other

eye missing whom

she calls franey

he has been the hero

or the victim of

many desperate encounters

for part of his tail

has been removed

and his back has been chewed

to the spine

one can see at a glance

that he is a sneak thief

and an apache

a bandit with long

curved claws

you see his likes hanging

about the outdoor markets

here in paris waiting

their chance to sneak

a fish or a bit

or unregarded meat

or whimpering

among the chair legs at the

sidewalk cafes in the

evenings or slinking

down the gutters of

alleys in the old

quarters of the town

he has a raucous voice

much damaged by the night

air and yet there is a

sentimental wheedling

note in it as well

and yet withal he carries

his visible disgrace with

a jaunty air

when i asked mehitabel

where in the name of st denis

did you pick up that

romantic criminal

in the luxembourg gardens

she replied where

we had hoth gone to kill

birds he has been showing me

paris he does not

understand english but speak of

him with respect

he is like myself

an example of the truth

of the pythagorean idea

you know that in my body

which is that of a cat

there is reincarnated

the soul of cleopatra

well this cat here

was not always a cat either

he has seen better days

he tells me that once he was

a bard and lived here in paris

tell archy here

something about yourself francy

thus encouraged the

murderous looking animal spoke

and i append a

rough translation of

what he said

tame cats on a web of the persian woof

may lick their coats and purr for cream

but i am a tougher kind of goof

scheming a freer kind of scheme

daily i climb where the pigeons gleam

over the gargoyles of notre dame

robbing their nests to hear them scream

for i am a cat of the devil i am

i ll tell the world i am a hard boiled oeuf

i rend the clouds when i let off steam

to the orderly life i cry pouf pouf

it is worth far less than the bourgeois deem

my life is a dance on the edge de 1 abime

and i am the singer you d love to slam

who murders the midnight anonyme

for i am a cat of the devil i am

when the ribald moon leers over the roof

and the mist reeks up from the chuckling stream

i pad the quais on a silent hoof

dreaming the vagabond s ancient dream

where the piebald toms of the quartier teem

and flght for a fish or a mouldy clam

my rival i rip and his guts unseam

for i am a cat of the devil i am

roach i could rattle you rhymes by the ream

in proof of the fact that i m no spring lamb

maybe the headsman will finish the theme

for i am a cat of the devil i am

mehitabel i said

your friend is nobody else

than francois villon

and he looks it too

archy

_____________

46.  mehitabel sees paris

paris france

i have not been

to geneva but i have been

talking to a french cockroach

who has just returned

from there travelling all the

way in a third class

compartment he says there is no

hope for insect or man in

the league of nations

what prestige it ever had is gone

and it never had any

the idea of one great brotherhood

of men and insects on earth

is very attractive to me

but mehitabel the cat

says i am a communist an

anarchist and a socialist

she has been shocked to the soul

she says by what the

revolutionists did here during

the revolution

i am always the aristocrat archy

she said i may go and play

around montmartre and that sort

of thing and in fact i was

playing up there with francy last

night but i am always the lady

in spite of my little larks

toujours gai archy and toujours

the lady that is my motto in

spite of

ups and downs

what they did to us aristocrats

at the time of the revolution

was a plenty archy

it makes my heart bleed

to see signs of it aII

over town those poor

dear duchesses that got it

in the neck i can sympathize

with them archy i may not

look it now but i come of a

royal race myself

i have come down in the world

but wotthehell archy wotthehell

jamais triste archy jamais triste

that is my motto

always the lady and aIways

out for a good time

francy and i lapped up

a demi of beer in a joint

up on the butte last night

that an american tourist

poured out for us

and everybody laughed and it

got to be the fashion up there

to feed beer to us cats

i did not get a vulgar souse

archy no lady gets a vulgar

souse wotthehell i hope i am above

all vulgarity but i did get a

little bit lit up

and francy did too we came

down and got on top of the

new morgue and sang and did

dances there

francy seems to see

something attractive about

morgues when he gets lit up

the old morgue he says was

a more romantic morgue but

vandal hands have torn it down

but wotthehell archy this one

will do to dance on

francy is showing me a side of

paris he says tourists don t often

get a look at he has a little

love nest down in the

catacombs where

he and i are living now

he and i go down there

and do the tango amongst the

bones he is really a most

entertaining and agreeable

companion archy and he has some

very quaint ideas he is busy now

writing a poem about

us two cats filled with beer

dancing among the bones

sometimes i think francy

is a little morbid

when i see these lovely old places

that us aristocrats built archy

in the hands of the bourgeois it

makes me almost wild

but i try to bear up i try

to bear up i find agreeable

companions and put a good face

on it toujours gai that is my

motto toujours gai

francy is a little bit done up

today he tried to steal a

partridge out of a frying

pan in a joint up on the butte

we went back there for more beer

after our party

at the morgue

and the cook beaned him with

a bottle poor francy i

should hate to lose him

but something tells me i should

not stay a widow long

there is something in the air

of paris archy

that makes one young again

there s more than one

dance in the old dame yet

and with these words she

put her tail in the air and

capered off down the alley

i am afraid we shall never

get mehitabel back to america

archy

____________

47.  mehitabel in the catacombs

paris france

i would

fear greatly for the morals

of mehitabel the cat if she had any

the kind of life she

is leading is too violent

and undisciplined for words

she and the disreputable

tom cat who claims to have

been francois villon

when he was on earth

before have taken up their

permanent abode in the catacombs

whence they sally

forth nightly on excursions

of the most undignified nature

sometimes they honour

with their presence the cafes

of montparnasse and the boul mich

and sometimes they

seek diversion in the cabarets

on top of the butte

of montmartre

in these localities

it has become the fashion

among the humans

to feed beer to these

peculiar cats and they dance

and caper when they have

become well alcoholized

with this beverage

swinging their tails and

indulging in raucous feline

cries which they evidently

mistake for a song

it was my dubious

privilege to see them

when they returned to their

abode early yesterday morning

flushed as you might say

with bocks and still

in a holiday mood

the catacombs of paris are

not lined with the bones

of saints and martyrs

as are those of rome

but nevertheless these cats

should have more respect

for the relics of mortality

you may not believe me

but they actually danced and

capered among

the skeletons while the cat

who calls himself

francois villon gave forth

a chant of which the following

is a free translation

outcast bones from a thousand biers

click us a measure giddy and gleg

and caper my children dance my dears

skeleton rattle your mouldy leg

this one was a gourmet round as a keg

and that bad the brow of semiramis

o fleshless forehead bald as an egg

all men s lovers come to this

this eyeless head that laughs and leers

was a chase daf once or a touareg

with golden rings in his yellow ears

skeleton rattle your mouldy leg

marot was this one or wilde or a wegg

who dropped into verses and down the abyss

and those are the bones of my old love meg

all men s lovers come to this

these bones were a ballet girl s for years

parbleu but she shook a wicked peg

and those ribs there were a noble peer s

skeleton rattle your mouldy leg

and here is a duchess that loved a yegg

with her lipless mouth that once drank bliss

down to the dreg of its ultimate dreg

all men s lovers come to this

prince if you pipe and plead and beg

you may yet be crowned with a grisly kiss

skeleton rattle your mouldy leg

all men s lovers come to this

archy

____________

48.  off with the old love

paris france

i think

mehitabel the cat and the

outcast feline

who calls himself francois

villon are about to

quarrel and separate

mehitabel is getting tired

of living in the catacombs

she said to me

last evening

archy i sometimes wish

that francy s gaiety

did not so frequently take

a necrological turn

when francy is really happy

he always breaks

into a series of

lyric epitaphs

personally archy

i am a lady who can

be gay outside of

a mausoleum

as for morgues

and cemeteries i can

take them or i can

leave them alone

just because some of my

ancestors are now mummies

i do not feel

that i have to wait

till i see a sarcophagus

before i cheer up

i can fall in love

with a gentleman friend without

speculating how he is going

to look to the undertaker

and when i want to sing

a comic song

i do not always feel

impelled to hunt up a tomb

for a stage

i am a lady of refinement

archy i have had my ups

and downs and i have made

a few false steps in life

but i am toujours la grande dame

archy always the lady

old kid to hell with anything

coarse or unrefined

that has always been my motto

and the truth is that this

francy person has a yellow

streak of commonness

running through his poetic nature

i fell for him archy

but i feel there is trouble

coming we had words last

night over something no real

gentleman would have noticed

and the slob said to me

mehitabel if you make eyes again

at that tortoise shell

cat over there i will slice

your eyes out

with a single sweep of claws

and toss them to the pigeons

archy those are words

that no gentleman would use

or no lady would take

you piebald fish thief

i told him

if i were not too refined

i would rip you

from the gullet to the mid riff

it is lucky for you

you frog eating four flush

that i always remember

my breeding

otherwise you would be

a candidate for what they call

civet stew in paris

something I won t stand for in a

gentleman friend

is jealousy of every other

person who may be attracted to me

by my gaiety and

aristocratic manner

and if i hear another word

out of you

i will can you first

and kill you afterwards and

then i will ignore you

archy a gentleman

with any real spirit

would have swung on me

when i said that

but this quitter let me

get away with it

i clawed him a little archy

just to show him i could

and the goof stood for it

no cat can hold me archy

that lets me claw him without

a come back i am a strong free

spirit and i live my own

life and only a masterful

cave cat can hold my affections

he must be a gentleman

but he must also make me feel

that he could be a

wild cat if he would

this francy person is neither

one nor the other

ah me archy i am afraid

my little romance

is drawing to a close

and no meal ticket in sight

either but what the hell archy

a lady can always find friends

it won t be the first time

i have been alone in the world

toujours gai archy

that is my motto

there s more than one dance

in the old dame yet

archy

the end

Table of Contents

1.  the coming of archy

2.  mehitabel was once cleopatra

3.  the song of mehitabel

4.  pity the poor spiders

5. mehitabel s extensive past

6. the cockroach who has been to hell

7.  archy interviews a pharaoh

8.  a spider and a fly

9.  freddy the rat perishes

10.  the merry flea

11.  why mehitabel jumped

12.  certain maxims of archy

13.  warty bliggens, the toad

14.  mehitabel has an adventure

15.  the flattered lightning bug

16.  the robin and the worm

17. mehitabel finds a home

18. the wail of archy

19.  mehitabel and her kittens

20.  archy is shocked

21.  archy creates a situation

22.  mehitabel sings a song

23.  aesop revised by archy

24.  cheerio my deario

26. a roach of the taverns

27. the froward ladybug

28.  pete the parrot and shakespeare

29.  archy confesses

30.  the old trouper

31.  archy declares war

32. the hen and the oriole

33.  ghosts

34.  archy hears from mars

35.  mehitabel dances with boreas

36.  archy at the zoo

37.  the dissipated hornet

38.  unjust

39.  the cheerful cricket

40.  clarence the ghost

41.  some natural history

42.  prudence

43.  archy goes abroad

44.  archy at the tomb of napoIeon

45.  mehitabel meets an affinity

46.  mehitabel sees paris

47.  mehitabel in the catacombs

48.  off with the old love