THE CASE OF THE DESERT PIRATES

BY

SIR SIR RALPH SIR EDWARD

POST 1

Just another Wednesday morning, shooting FDR and waiting for the phone to ring. Kinda dull after I had located the Tequila Mafia's heroin stash for the Federales . 600 kilos of horse and enough M-16s to armor a regiment, and the Federales wouldn't even pay a parking ticket I got during the stakeout. They said I shouldn't have been listening to "The Mexican Blackbird" while eyeballin' the place. What the H-ll do they expect me to listen to on the south side, Frank Sinatra? Next thing you know, they'll expect me to dress like a Hoover Doll. After that, I told them they could find their own dopers, at least until they paid my parking ticket. And I figger they oughta start in the White House...  
About this time, Mrs. Slocum stuck her nose in the doorway, so I patted my lap as an invite. She just sorta sneered and went back into the reception room. Shows how much respect I get for payin' for her food.
"Boss, phone call." Mindy chirps on the intercom.
"About time."
I pick up the phone, "Red speakin'. What can I do you out of?"
"Red, this is Steve Jordan."
"Howdy, Steve. How are things up in the Crooked Congress Casbah?"
"If you mean Washington, D.C., fairly well. I'm calling you to help with a problem that's developed recently."
"That's my job. What's givin' you the chomp?"
A pause at the other end of the line. Maybe I shoulda talked Yankee at him.
"Yesterday, I had a fan ask me to autograph a Steve Jordan t-shirt."
"I thought you didn't go in for sellin' memorabilia."
"I don't. That's the problem. Somebody is selling Steve Jordan memorabilia without my permission."
"Hmm. Where'd your fan get it?"
"At last week's science fiction convention in Philadelphia."
"Well, it's either local to Philly or else they're riding the S/F convention circuit. My guess is the latter. And it's probably not just you. Have you notified the S/F writers Guild?"
"Not yet."
"Better pass this along to warn the other S/F writers about the problem. By the way, where and when is the next S/F convention?"
"Next week in Phoenix."
Maybe I could sneak this one by Mindy. Heh, heh.
"I see if I can catch some leads in Phoenix, then. Do you just want them shut down, or do I have to gather evidence for court. Evidence cost more."
"Do whatever is cheaper. The writing business is pretty marginal."
"Ok. Shut 'em down, it is. Gimme a few week on this. If something bog this down, I'll let you know."
"Thanks, Red."
I hung up the phone, with visions of baseball bats in my head.
The intercom beeped.
"Yes, Mindy."
"You've got another call holding, Boss."
Feast or famine in my business. "Who’s calling?"
"Some lady who says her name is DesertGrandma. She won't say why she called. She'll only talk to you. Are you starting to chase old ladies?"
"At least they don't fry me for looking wrong, unlike some people I know."
"Aw, Boss, I'm just showing you some warmth."
"Well, chill for the moment and let me talk to DG."
"Right, Boss."
So I picked up the phone. "Red here, how can I be of assistance?"
"Mr. Red, something very strange happened to me yesterday, and I have no idea what to do about it. So I called you for advice."
"No need to call me Mister, just Red, ma'am. Just tell me what happened."
"I went out in the back yard and saw a Gila Monster on one of the chaise lounges."
I interrupted. "Just where do you live?"
"Suprise, Arizona." 
Whee, today was my lucky day.
"Ok, please continue."
"As I was saying, there was this Gila Monster on my chaise lounge. So I went to the tool shed to get a long hoe to dispose of it with. When I came out, there were these three men wearing black suits and ties and white shirts. One of them was holding the Gila Monster and one of the others had a metal stick, sort of like an overgrown fancy pen. It flashed a bright light at me, and the man holding it told me to forget about the Gila Monster and them as well. The third one told me he would put the hoe away for me, and then took it out of my hand and carried it away with him. Then all three of them left, carrying the Gila Monster and the hoe. One of them seemed to be trying to talk to the Gila Monster. 
"About this time, I heard my husband, DesertGrandpa, bang the front door. He yelled at the men and demanded to know what they were doing in his yard. There was another one of those flashes, mostly blocked by the house. My husband went after them with a baseball bat. I ran into the house and got my gun.
"By the time I made it out the front door, they'd taken the bat away from him and were forcing him into the car. I yelled at them to stop, but I couldn't get a clear shot. Then one put some sort of gun to my husband's head, and yelled at me to drop my gun. I couldn't risk my husband, so I did. They flash that light at me again, told me to forget them and roared off with my husband in the car. I guess the Gila Monster was already in the car, because I didn't see it any more."
This put a different complexion on the problem. I hadn't dealt with those boys in a decade. They didn't like me, and I didn't like them. They weren't real easy to convince, even with wadcutters.
"Did you call the FBI?" The Federal Bureau of Idiots were riddled with those boys, but I had to ask.
"Yes, and they laughed at me and called me a crackpot. That's when I turned to you."
"Ok. I'll be out there as soon as I can catch a flight. I figger they won't hurt your husband. I think they're holding him to try and figger out why their flash didn't work on him. They aren't known to be real vicious. What number can I catch you at?"
She gave me her cell phone number and I hung up.
"Mindy!"
"Yes, Boss. What's the excitement?"
"I'm on a kidnapping case in Arizona. Get me a flight to Phoenix and a hotel room, chop, chop."
"Somebody kidnap the Ranger's pitching?"
"Now Mindy, this is a real case. DesertGrandma's husband has been kidnapped. Besides, the Rangers never had any pitching worth kidnapping 'cept Nolan, and he retired years ago."
"You just want to see Rangers spring training games, tax deductible."
"And all you want is another trip to Hawaii. Now quit jawing and get me those reservations. I gotta make another call."
"I have the Rangers ticket number, I can call for your tickets for you."
"I'm not callin' for tickets, I'm callin' an old friend for a bit of help."
"Boss, who would you call for help?"
"Information, actually."
In my mind's eye, I could see the blank look on Mindy's. Then the light bulb must've popped on.
"You don't mean - him?"
"Yep, he owns me favors for the redhead I fixed him up with. Now get to callin' Angel."
"I am not an Angel!"
"Get crackin'!"
"Right, Boss."
So I dialed the number that would get past the switchboard and the PR firm, and listened to the phone ring.
A familiar drawling voice was at the other end. "This better be important!"
"Howdy Bubba, this is Red. How would you like to catch a Ranger's spring training game..."

POST 2

After I hung up with Bubba. I got into my special little safe, pulled out the special gimmick I knew I would need for this adventure. Ralph had invented them 10 years ago when we had first encounter the Men In Black. The neuralizer didn't work on dogs, which gave Ralph the hint on it's existence and how it worked, so he whipped up a shield that could be used as contact lenses for me. We then had to do a little convincing to get them off our backs. I hope L got over his limp...
I kept a dozen pair in the safe, along with other various do-dads I had picked up over the years. I don't care what Doc told Bubba when he was a kid, sometimes there's no substitute for gadgets.
I move my eyelids crossways. The world darkened a bit, just like it should. I decided to have some fun with Mindy.
I walked into the reception room with the shields still active. They make your eyes look silvery. 
"Got the reservations yet?"
Mindy looked up at me, saw my silvery eyes, and sqauwked "Boss! What happened to you? Do you become a Homo In Excelsis?"
I reverse crossed my eyelid and the contacts went back to clear. Mindy shuddered.
"Don't do that! It's disgusting."
"Sorry Mindy, but these contacts are gadgets I'll need on this case. Trust me, I know I will."
"Just don't do it around me. Here's your flight," handing me the confirmation code, "and here is you hotel reservation at the <blank> hotel near Suprise. (I inserted blank for the hotel name 'cause they aren't paying me for the plug.) And you've got your usual rental car waiting. Hopefully you won't turn it back in all shot up, like BadGoodDeb did."
"Gee Mindy, you really care about me."
"No Boss, I care about my paycheck clearing. If you're full of holes, the bank'll stop-pay it."

So I headed to Phoenix. The flight aboard the Sardine Tin was uneventful, and the first thing I did after rentin' the Jeep was to go see DesertGrandma.
I could feel that cold, metallic, third eye tracking me as I pulled into the driveway, but I knew I wouldn't get plugged without a parley. So I got out and walked to the door. 
Before I could ring it, a lady's voice came out of the house.
"Who’s there?"
"Red, ma'am."
"How do I know it's you."
"Got any Pearl?"
"Alright, It's you." She then show up at the door, holding a pump 12 gauge, and unlocks the door. "Come on in."
"Can I sit down? And would you stop pointin' you gun at me? I'm allergic to being shot by my own client."
"What about being shot by the bad guys?"
"That's part of the profession. Bein' shot by the client is embarrassin'."
"Mind if I keep it handy?"
"Ok by me, ma'am. Now DG, any word on your husband?"
"No, Red. Who were those people who kidnapped my husband?"
"I'll tell you, but first off, you'll won't believe it."
"I'll believe they kidnapped my husband!"
"Right. They are the local branch of the MIB, the Men In Black. They're in charge of dealin' with UFO's and their contents."
DesertGrandma interrupted. "Are they the black helicopter guys?"
"Naw, that's a different branch of the secret government. And don't ask me any more about 'em, 'cause I aint talkin'. Back to the MIB. They rarely bother normal people, but sometimes there's a conflict, like with DesertGrandpa. I'm certain they were real put out by their neuralizer not workin'."
"But why didn't they kidnap me as well?"
"My guess, based on what you told me on the phone, is that they didn't realize you weren't being affected by the neuralizer. You stopped out of suprise, and they took it as you stoppin' because of the gadget. When your husband kept goin' after them with his baseball bat after they'd zapped him, they realized the neuralizer didn't work on him, and they hauled him away so that - one, he wouldn't talk, and two - they could figger out why their neuralizer didn't work. I'd like to know the reason for that, myself. It'd make it easier to deal with those boys."
"What about the Gila Monster?"
"I figger it was an alien in disguise, wandering around lookin' at things. You know how tourists can be, always stickin' their noses where they shouldn't. I expect that was why the MIB guy was talkin' to him, probably givin' him a chewin' out for not followin' the tour guide rules. That's just a guess on my part, though.
"Now, I gotta go over to the Ranger's spring trainin' game now, and I'll come back and ask some more questions when it's over."
"I though you were goin' to help me find my husband, not watch baseball."
"Trust me, ma'am, I got my reasons. You can never tell when some electronic bug's listening in. Ok?"
"Well, I guess I can see the need for hush-hush. You come right back after the game, Red."
"Yes, Ma'am."
So I left and went to see the Rangers play.

POST 3

I got the Rangers game in the middle of the second inning. I picked a spot down the 1st base line with plenty of elbow room, and watched the game. The pitching was up to the usual Ranger standard, but their bats were hittin', so I was having a good time. That's the nice thing about watchin' the Rangers during spring training, you can enjoy the game before their losses start countin'.
At the end of the third, a voice behind me drawled, "Howdy, Red."
"Howdy, Bubba. Guess you're wonderin' why I dragged you to a Rangers game."
"It beats havin' to help the White House craft legislation."
"You used to work with the Prez back when he was in the state legislature, right."
"Yup. Anyways, back to the rat killin's."
"Bubba, I'm workin' a kidnapping case right now. It involves the Men In Black around here. I need an entre' to talk to the local head, but I don't want to spook 'em, 'cause they might do something rash, and that wouldn't be nice."
"Hmmm. Red, you seem to think I know everybody."
"You do. That's why you're behind me in a disguise, to avoid all you friends."
"Actually, I just don't want to be seen at a Rangers game. People might get ideas. How are you gonna keep them from zapping you?"
"I'm wearin' the blocker contacts that ole Ralph invented 10 years ago."
"Pity about Ralph going bad."
I took a swig of beer and stared moodily at the field. "I didn't have a lot of choice about the deal. He used to be a good pooch."
"Easy, Red. You did what you had to do, not 'cause you liked it. I'd had to have done the same thing if I'd been there."
"Maybe. But it still doesn't make it go down any easier."
"Back to the kidnapping. What happened?"
I filled him on the situation. "So you see, All I want is to get DesertGrandpa freed up and back home. He doesn't have anything the MIB needs. If I can chat with the head honco, I figger I can convince him to let DesertGrandpa go."
"Well, Red, I have good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news. I get enough bad news every day."
"The good new is that I know the local head of the MIB here. Now you know they get fussy about having guests show up at their secret headquarters, but the head uses the local science-fiction convention as a listening post. So he's in charge of the convention setup over at the hotel. I recommend you brace him there."
He tapped me on the shoulder and  passed me a slip of paper. "Here's his cover name for the convention."
"Thanks Bubba. What's the bad news?"
"He's L, and he still limps. I don't think he's going to be real happy to see you."
A short pause, "Here's another piece of bad news. Look down. There's a dog peeing on your shoe."
I did. The dog stopped peeing and grinned at me.
"I've been wanting to do that for a long time."
"The price just went up, VR, whatever you're asking me for."
"Who's the guy behind you?"
"That's Bubba. 'Bout time y'all met. Bubba, this is VivaldiRules, ambassador at large for the Kindom of Pinwheel. He went through the same shop Ralph did. VR, this is Bubba. He know just about everybody of importance in the world."
VR hopped up the two levels of seat and stuck out a paw, which Bubba shook.
VR asked, "Where did you run into Red?"
"About 10 years ago, when he was working a counterfeiting case."
I turned to VR. "Now that you've relieved your feeling on my shoe, what brought you here in the first place? I'm sure you're not here for the floor show." I waved my arm at the field.
"Her Majesty has need of you services again."
"I don't know how much you listened to before relaxin', but I'm occupied at the moment."
"More important than good relations with Pinwheel?"
"If you were worried about good relations, you would've kept your sphincter tight. I'm working a kidnapping case."
"Bubba, no offense, but I'd better take this doggie for a walk. Thanks for the intro, you'll get a check in the mail."
"Sure Red, I understand client confidentiality. Come on by this summer, and we'll go fishing."
"I'll do that. Come on VR." And I headed down, out of the stands.

POST 4

VR and I walked out into the parking lot. "Alright, VR, what's the problem. You run out of cheap dog food?"
I looked down. "And if you pee on me again, I'll see you caged in a kennel with 50 cats for a week." 
"You wouldn't dare!"
"Wanna bet?"
VR walked a bit in silence.
"Her Majesty has lost something of great personal value."
"Gentlemen don't talk about such things. Besides, it wasn't me."
"Not that, you dirty-minded redneck! She has lost her special socks."
"Let me get this straight. You want me to drop a live kidnapping case to find a pair of socks? That's steep, even for you, VR."
VR started to growl, then got control of his temper. "These aren't just any socks. They're the Queen's own personal talking socks, Hugo and Lefty."
The things you see when you haven't got your gun....
"Ok, how did they disappear? Did they walk off, get packed in somebody’s bag, or win an all-expense paid trip?"
"Red, you're not taking this seriously!"
"D-mned right VR. You haven't mentioned money yet. I'll do kidnapping pro bono , but governments pay full freight. What am I offered?"
"Does than mean you'll get to work on it?"
"No, it means I'll talk about it. The kidnapping has priority. Period. DesertGrandma is a nice person and I'm gonna get her husband back. Then I'll worry about missing socks. If the money's good. If you want me to be workin' in the back of my head along the way, tell me the price, and give me what info you have. I'm not goin' to Pinwheel during Spring Training to rummage around in the Queen's sock drawer without a real good reason."
VR looked like he was gonna have a hissy fit. Served him right, too. Pee on my shoe, will he.
Through clenched teeth, he said "Same terms as last time, Redneck."
"Now that wasn't too hard, VR. Now tell me the skinny on how they disappeared."
"One of these days, I'm going to do more than pee on your shoe."
"One of these days you'll realize I don't work for you, and you'll treat me like a professional. Then we'll be past these puppy dominance games. Now tell."
"We know they went to America. We don't know how. They left a note saying they were going to see the West and drop by and see you, as well. They said they had a pen pal here that would show them around."
"Any leads on the Pen Pal?"
"We think it was a regular on the MobileRead web site. They liked to hang out there occasionally. But exactly who, we don't know."
"Ok. Let me do some cross-checking in my spare time until this kidnapping gets resolved. Then I'll give full priority. If the Queen has a problem with this, she can call me direct and complain. She had my number."
VR looked nonplussed. "If she has your number, why did she put me on the case?"
" 'Cause you're a good dog, and you want to serve Her Majesty. She respects that and wanted you to have an opportunity to serve Her. Now I gotta get, and go get some more answer out of DG. See ya later."
I got in my car and left for DesertGrandma's. 
Men In Black, talking dogs and socks, grannies with shotguns...Sam Spade would need a new pair of drawers by now and three pints of bourbon. I wonder what DG has in the liquor cabinet. Hmm....

POST 5

I pulled into DG's driveway. I walked over and knocked on the door.
"Who's there?"
"Red."
"Come on in."
I let myself in and sat down.
"What happened? The game must still be going on."
"I was there for business. As soon as I go the info, I came back like I said I would. Now DesertGrandma, I need to ask you some questions about the kidnapping."
"Sure, Red."
"I'm trying to figger out why the neuralizer didn't work on you and your husband. Could you tell me anything you and your husband both consumed the 24 hours before you saw the Gila Monster?"
"Yes, but why something we consumed?"
"Well, if you're both naturally immune, There's nothing for me to bargain with the MIB. Y'all don't wear contacts, do ya'll?"
"No."
"Their gizmo works with the eyes, so it would have to be something that affect the vision center of the brain or the eyes themselves. Something like glacoma drops or something like that."
"Neither my husband or I use any sort of eyedrops or take medicine for eye problems."
"I figgered that. So that leaves me only consumables."
"Let's see. We had chalupas for supper, and a Dos XX each. Breakfast was sausage and eggs, with coffee. Lunch was baked chicken with a salad, with an orange and a soda. Then about a half hour before I saw the Gila Monster, we had started sipping a high-powered drink from Australia."
"Australia?"
"Yep. You can't buy it in the U.S., but we can buy it in Nogales and pay a duty on it to bring it across the border. Expensive stuff."
"What's it called?"
"Zany Carter Deluxe. Let me get the bottle."
She brought back a 375 ml bottle, mostly full. They couldn't have drunk more that a shot glass full each from the bottle. I read the fine print on the label. Montsnmag Beverages PTY. Was there anything in Australia that Montsnmags didn't have a finger into?
"Was that all?"
"Yes, Red. Did this help?"
"I hope so. You said this was expensive. Do you have another bottle we could put most of it in so I can take the bottle, with a little left in it, with me? It'll help."
"If it'll get my husband back, take the whole bottle."
"A little will do, as long as I can take the bottle."
"I'll go get another bottle."
DesertGrandma went to the kitchen and brought back a 750 ml bottle. I pour about 3/4 of the rest of the Zany Carter Deluxe in to the bigger bottle and put the cap back on the original bottle.
" Ma'am, I've got to go now. I can't make any promises, but I'm on course to try to get something done. Try not to shoot anybody until I get back. I'm not trying to get you likkered up, but you might sip a little Zany Carter along the way. I suspect that it was what made you immune to the Neuralizer. If those MIB boys come back, just pretend the neuralizer works. That way we can keep tabs on 'em if they start botherin' you."
"Yes, Red. You mean I can't shoot them?"
"No, that'll bother the neighbors. And it's awful messy to clean up after a shotgun. I may be a while before I get back, so don't worry. I'll be back as soon as I can."
I stashed the ZCD in the car and headed over to the science-fiction convention.

POST 6

I parked the Jeep and wandered into the convention center. I asked the convention desk for planning office for the Science-Fiction convention. I got the directions and strolled back there. I knocked on the office door.
A voice that brought back memories said, "Come in."
I did. The temperature dropped about 50 degrees.
"What are you doing here, Red?"
We stared at each other a few seconds until he relaxed that little bit, and I knew we weren't gonna have a shootout. "I'm workin' a I.P. piracy case, among other things. There's a huckster selling unauthorized T-Shirts. I've be retained by the author to find the huckster and shut him down. I came by here to get a list of huckster tables, so I can compare them to the list from the last convention in Philly. I've got a lawyer and the Feds on tap when I need them."
He drummed his fingers on the desktop. "Ok." He reached into the desk drawer and pulled out a folder. "What, no gun, Red?", he said when he pulled his hand out of the drawer. "You're getting old."
"I didn't figger you'd splat me on an obviously legitimate case. If you always let you temper go, you'd be workin' on your third neuralizer. Or else Zed would have blanked you and left you as a bum in San Francisco."
"Yeah, a real smart P.I. Use the copier in the corner. I don't want my sheets to get lost. I'll fumigate later."
Same old L. Some day somebody was going to give him an attitude adjustment. I hope they sell tickets...
I did my copying and gave him back the originals.
"I got something here for you, L." I handed him the mostly empty bottle of Zany Carter Deluxe.
"What, no Pearl?", he sneered.
"Now, if I brought you a Pearl, that be bootlegging. I wouldn't want to do something illegal. A client got this across the border at Nogales. It's from Australia. I figger you're boys might want to run a log on it."
"Now why would I want to waste my time analyzing some cheap booze?"
"Well, you see, it has to do with another case I'm workin' on. And since it kinda overlaps with what you boys are doing, I figger you might want know how it works. It, ummm, neutralizes the effect of your neuralizers."
The ice suddenly acquired another layer.
"What case?"
"You know what case. A little matter of an armed disappearance having to do with a sunning Gila Monster. I'm here to get the return of the disappearee, intact and unharmed. I sure would like to leave you boys in the same state. Capesh?"
"What makes you think that my organization had anything to do with such a thing?"
"I got a witness. She's been sippin' Zany Carters and holdin' her shotgun, in case you're thinkin' of neuralizing her. She wants her husband back.
"Now, I can arrange for her and her husband to shut up over the deal if you'll let him go. I figger you are keepin' him just to figger out why the neuralizer didn't work. That's why I brought the bottle for you to log. If it's the cause, then you got no reason to keep him. To them, A Gila Monster is a Gila Monster, not a Ambassador to Arcturus."
"Barnard's Star, actually."
"I don't care if it's Bozo The Clown! I'm just tryin' to get this settled easy for everybody!" I'd had a bellyful of this Yahoo. He was a jerk then and a jerk now.
"You're going to forget about this, Red, just like ten years ago. You're going to go back to Texas and leave this client alone. You'll just think she's crazy."
There was a red flash.....

POST 7

Of course I was wearin' my protector contacts, and flicked them into the protect mode with my eyelids before L popped the neuralizer. 
He then droned on his instructions, and told me to leave and to forget all about the meetin'.
I figger it was easier to play along, as I didn't want to start the Little Big Horn right there. When you're workin' a kidnapping case, the last thing you want to do is spook the kidnappers. They panic and all sorts of bad things can happen. Besides, I'd better get back to DG before the MIB flunkies got there.
But first, I went to my car and got a GPS recorder out of the glove box and stuck it under L's car. It didn't broadcast, so it wouldn't show up on a bug scan. I'd pick it up tomorrow and see where he'd been.

Jeeps aren't speed buggies, not if you have a passin' concern for your health. 
By the time I got to DesertGrandma's, there was a black Ford POS parked in the driveway. I parked my Jeep behind it to block it in. Looked like the party might get rough. I wished I had BadGoodDeb backin' me right now.
I snuck around the house, listening. I heard murmurings in the kitchen, so I went back to the front door and quietly eased my way into the house. I saw DesertGrandma's pump .12 GA by the door and smiled. Loaded? If a western grandma was packin' a gun, it was surely loaded. 
I quietly picked up the shotgun and snuck back towards the kitchen. The MIB were talkin' to DesertGrandma and had their backs to me. They didn't figger anybody would sneak up on them. Heh, heh, heh...
I charged into room and had my shotgun against the lead man's skull, before they knew what was happening. Bein' polite, I said, "Howdy boys, Elvis sent me."
The other MIB made the mistake of turning my way and reachin' for his piece. DesertGrandma grabbed a skillet and sent it air-mail directly off his head, layin' him out flatter than a Pearl that's been open for two weeks.
"Now that the preliminaries have been taken care of, I'd advise you not to twitch, unless you want your sinuses cleared from the backside."
The Lead MIB guy said, "Do you know who I am?"
"You're a fieldman for the local MIB. Who you are in particular I don't know or care. I've already had a chat with you boss, L. You guys are gettin' uppity, kidnappin' innocent citizens.
"Now let's both move away slooowly from your assistant, So DG can check to see if he's still breathin'."
We did, and I told Desert Grandma to check the flat guy's pulse. 
"While you're at it, take out everything he has in every pocket, and give him a good search. Take out everything he has, 'cept his eyeteeth."
She did, and produced a small pile of hardware, but I didn't see a neuralizer.
"You'll never get away with this, whoever you are."
"The handle's Red, and I'm the guy who gave L his limp. I'm still breathin' and workin'.
"Now I'd like to get your assistant some medical attention, but you're gonna have to cooperate for that. Slowly reach in and take out your neuralizer."
He did.
"Good. Now softly let it drop to the floor. Now carefully kick it over to DesertGrandma."
DesertGrandma picked up the neuralizer. I told her how to set it, to freeze the guy I had the shotgun on.
"Now close your eyes and the zap button."
Another red flash. I carefully lowered the shotgun in case he was playin' possum, but he didn't flinch. I walked over to DesertGrandma, reset the neuralizer and told the lead MIB guy to call 911 and get help for his assistant and gave him a cock-and-bull story to explain what happened. When he got de-neuralized, he'd be chewed out, but that was later. I didn't want a corpse on my hands. 
After he called 911, I told him to forget about us being there and to wake up when he heard the ambulance.
DesertGrandma and I cleared out quick, leaving behind the other agents stuff. It'd make the lead agent feel happier when he woke up not to have loose ends.
"Ma'am, we got a passle of trouble. I wouldn't've busted in like that, 'cept I figgered they were goin' to haul you away too."
"I might have seen my husband."
"Yep, but I don't think I could have busted both of you out. Hop into the Jeep. We're out of minutes and we've got to make a plan pronto." 

POST 8

I started haulin' to the convention center.
"DG, I've sorta stick my foot in it when I went to see L. Our only hope is to go back and capture him, and set up a prisoner swap. Even that's dicey. They may not be willin' to deal, and they out-man and out-gun us. How much grief are you willin' to handle?"
DesertGrandma reached into her purse and pulled out a honkin' big revolver. A S&W Scholfield. "Is this grief enough?"
"Yes ma'am. By the by, is that a .44-40?"
"You seem to know your guns, Red."
"Part of the profession. You're going to have to do the initial heavy liftin', much as I hate to make a client get involved. If he sees me first, he's liable to shoot first and not bother to ask questions. Can you do a little old lady act?"
"Why sure, sonny. Can I bake you some cookies?"
"Good enough. I need for you to get him out of the office, and keep him occupied until I can sneak up on him. I gave her the cover name L was workin under. Think you can handle it?"
"Sure, Red. What's this convention about?"
"Science-fiction."
"I guess I'll ask about my grandson getting a sales table. I'll ask somebody at the front desk to have him come help me. My bunions are bothering me." She gave me a wink.
"Sounds good."

I pulled into the parking lot and let DesertGrandma off. I went and parked somewhere else. More bad plannin' on my part. I should've taken her car, 'cause they might have been lookin' for the Jeep. Too late now.
I saw DG go in the front door. I went in a side door. I found a plastic plant to hide behind while DG was waitin' for L to come out.
L. came out and started talkin' to DG, when she all of a sudden she reared back and gave him a kick below the belt that I wouldn't have wanted to take, even wearin' an inch thick titanium cup.
He folded up faster than a house of cards on ground zero. I came chargin' over, and reached down into his suit pocket for his neuralizer and rooted around and got his gun. He was just rollin' around in agony. 
"Get behind me and cover you eyes."
She did, and I yelled. "Attention, everybody." 
I twisted my contacts and waited 2 seconds, then flashed the neuralizer. "None of you saw what happened here. He fell and hurt himself. I'm a doctor and am taking him to the hospital in my car which I'm about to go get."
I gave DG my keys. "Pull the Jeep over here. It's parked third row out, to the right a ways."
She skittered out the door, and started payin' attention to L. He was slowly gettin' over the kick, and in a little while he was gonna get bothersome.
He suddenly reached for his gun, which of course was missin', 'cause I had it.
"Easy, L. I got your gun and your neuralizer."
The rage in his eyes was palpable.
I said, "L., I tried to do this easy, but you just wouldn't have any of it. So now we have to do it hard. Don't blame this on anybody but yourself."
I took the neuralizer and set it to freeze. My contacts were still twisted from the last flash. I flashed him.
A few seconds later I heard the Jeep drive up. DG came in and I told her to grab his feet. We carried him out and into the Jeep, got in and drove off. 
"That wasn't very nice, Ma'am, leveling the poor bloke like that."
"He ought to be glad I didn't shoot 'em off. Kidnap my husband, will he."
"Look for a quiet spot where we can stop for a few minutes undisturbed. I need to question L."

POST 9

We parked behind a defunct restaurant. I gave L another flash, just in case the first one was wearin' off. Then I got down to questionin'.
"L, where are you keepin' the guy you took who didn't react to the neuralizer?"
A drugged "I don't know."
"Ok, why don't you know?"
" I figured you might come back, and I couldn't take the chance you might find out where he was, so I had my assistant hide somewhere where I wouldn't know. Security."
Typical MIB. If you couldn't erase the memory, hide the evidence, and hope for the best.
"Ok, were you going to report back to your assistant on a schedule?"
"Yes."
"Could you tell me what the schedule was."
"Every six hours until we had you in custody. You cause too much trouble."
"It's nice to be loved. When was the next call scheduled?"
"At six PM."
"Any password or recognition codes?" 
"Steak meant things were Ok, Fish meant I was under surveillance."
"Did you expect to ever release the guy you were holding?"
"Once we figured out why he had been immune to the neuralizer."
"Had you had him tested recently for immunity?"
"Yes."
"And what was the result?"
"He was no longer immune to the neuralizer."
Anal sphincter. He could have let Desertgrandpa go already and we could have avoided all this hoorah.
"Did you send in the Zany Carter Deluxe for testing?"
"Yes."
"Have you gotten any response about the testing yet?" 
"Not yet."
"When do you expect to get a response?"
"At the six PM call."
"What was the number you were to call?"
"No number, button three on the cellphone."
A direct line, encrypted.
"If the Zany Carter Deluxe proves to be the cause of the immunity, will you let the guy go after the six PM call?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Not until we've cleared your memory and his wife's memory. SOP."
"Were you going to let me go, with just the current situation erased?"
"No."
"What were you going to do?"
"Erase 90 percent of your memory and leave you in a homeless shelter."
Yep, still sore over that leg. I'd have to get a command level override to fix this one. Which meant I need to talk to the commander.
"What's your emergency contact to Zed?"
"Star three times."
I was goin' to have to mull this one over. When the caps started poppin', it was goin' move real fast. Anything else I needed to ask L?
Well, Heinlein always said "never ignore the trivial root of an equation." The MIB were in charge of keepin' track of all the aliens on Earth.
"Have you ever heard of a pair of talkin' socks?"
"Yes."
After I got over my shock, I asked, "Are their names Hugo and Lefty."
"Yes."
"Are they aliens?"
"We don't know. That's why we keep track of them."
"Do you know where they are now?"
"They're in an abandoned mine shaft near here. They just arrived yesterday."
"Why a mine shaft?"
"They're using it as a warehouse." 
 "What is the name of the mine?"
"The Lazy Lizard."
DG waved at me and nodded. Good, she knew where it was.
"Do they have other people with them?"
"Usually two."
Enough facts for now. I was gettin’ a plan together in my mind.
"Now L, you will go to sleep now. You will only wake up when somebody says, "Wake up, L"
L started snoring softly...
I turned to DesertGrandma, "Ok, where's the Lazy Lizard Mine?"

POST 10

I was about to head over to the Lazy Lizard, but I remembered that I needed give VR a ring, since I'd just found out somthin' about Hugo and Lefty.
VR's human answered the phone. "Ambassador VivaldiRules' Embassy. What is the purpose of this call?"
"This here's Red, and the purpose is to p--s off VR. How about puttin' him on the speaker."
Next thing I heard was VR voice. "Alright, you lazy redneck, why are you bothering me. You're not getting a cash advance on this job to buy more Ranger's tickets."
"Nice Doggie. Good Doggie."
"And don't call me Doggie!"
"Easy, VR. I got some good news and some bad news. I'll give 'em in order. The good new is I've got a line on Hugo and Lefty. The bad news is there might have to be some shootin' before I can liberate 'em. Now I got one question for you. Do you want to be in on the liberation, or do you want to take a senior general position where you're at. I can cut it either way, but the show about to roll, so...in or out?"
A long pause. "In. Somebody'll have to bail your (bleep) out, just like last time."
"Don't worry VR, I'll tell the Queen how brave you were. Now meet me at..." And I gave him the location of the defunct restaurant. (I don't give advertising to dead restaurants. there's no percentage in it.) 
After I hung up on VR, I turned to DesertGrandma.
"I need to wait here until VR, the talking dog, shows up."
"Talking Dog?"
"Yeah, you meet all kinds in this business. He's a big wheel from a foreign country, but don't let him bother you, I know his boss."
She looked dubious, but game. "What's the plan, Red."
"DG, I'm playin' three games at once. You husband has top priority, but I have a line on at least one of the other games, so I figger to combine the two games in one. So once VR gets here, we're goin' over to the Lazy Lizard and find out who's workin' with Hugo and Lefty, and pick 'em up so they can go back to Pinwheel. That's what VR hired me for. Once we get that hash settled, I'll call the MIB and get the prisoner exchange set up. I figger I'll have to call L's boss to get all the feathers unruffled. With us holdin' L, and with the feathers settled back at MIB HQ, I figger the swap will go off without a hitch. If it don't, you'd better be willin' to do some ventilation work with that Scholfield.
"You got any extra cartridges?"
"Two loaders in my purse. I never figured I'd need to start a war."
"Ok, we'll go by your house and pick up some water and some chips, and your shotgun and all your cartridges. I don't figger we'll need them, but better safe than sorry."
A few minutes later, a car rolled up and VR got out. 
"Howdy, VR. Meet DesertGrandma. It's her husband that got kidnapped."
"VivaldiRules, Ambassador-at-Large to the Kingdom of Pinwheel, at your service. I'm glad to see somebody of taste controlling this redneck."
I saw DG's hand going into her purse, so I grabbed her arm before somethin' untoward happened.
"Don't worry, DG. He's just a little sandpapery around me. Doesn't bother me. Besides, we need to get."
DG relaxed and took her hand out of her purse. She had a compact in her hand, but I knew that wasn't what she was about to pull out before I grabbed her arm.
"Hop aboard, VR. We're gonna make a stop at her house to pick up some things, and then head over to where Hugo and Lefty are. I want to get this done so I can catch tomorrow's game."
He did and we went rollin' back to DG's house.

POST 11

After gettin' watered and loaded up, I pointed the Jeep at the Lazy Lizard. There was a car parked near the mine shaft, so I parked on the other side from it.
"Now gang, I'm gonna take point goin' in. That's what I get paid for. I hope to keep this to a minimum of disagreement, so don't start bangin' away at anybody unless I say to or it's obviously gettin' out of hand. And last, but not least, don't shoot at the socks, no matter what. I want to get paid."
"That's what I like about Red, that modest demeanor." VR told DesertGrandma.
I ignored it. "Single file goin' in. VR, you take the rockin' chair, DesertGrandma, you're rear guard. Kinda keep a lookout behind us and keep your purse handy. OK?"
"What are we going to do with L?"
"Good question. We'll lay him out on the back seat. Since the cloth roof is already up, he should be in shade for an hour or two. After we're done pickin' up Hugo and Lefty, we'll haul him in the mine with us. Any further questions?"
No further questions. "Let's roll."
I started singin' just to pass the time, and announce our presence. "I owe, I owe, It's off to work I go."
As we went into the mine, I turned on my flashlight. First thing I saw was a sign painted with warehouse on it and a fellow sittin’ beside it. He flipped on a camp light, pointin' up.
"Who are you and what do you want here? This is private property."
"Yep, this here property is real private, exceptin' I expect you don't have a valid lease from the property owner, nor anybody else. My handle's Red. I'm here to see your bosses. We're old friends."
"If you're old friends, maybe you can describe them."
"Sure can. A pair of talkin' socks, named Hugo and Lefty. They're from the Kingdom of Pinwheel."
"Red, you've been out in the sun too long. Socks don't talk."
"Not normally. These are a special exception, just like my little friend here."
Since the conversation was goin' nowhere anyways, I figgered it was time to get things movin' again.
He looked at my silencered .22. "It that thing loaded?"
"Well, I say it's got six full wadcutters in it. It you don't agree and want to sample the merchandise, I can oblige you. As you said, this here is a real private place. Now, how about you gettin' up nice and easy, and let's head back into your warehouse. By the way, where's your co-worker?"
"What co-worker?"
"Now, are we gonna play the dumb clerk game again? It's not a lotta fun the second time 'round. Besides, Hugo and Lefty aren't gonna like being kept waitin'."
"He's moving inventory to a huckster table at the local science-fiction convention." 
"You'd best be right, else we're liable to have a merchandise swap right here in the mine."

A little deeper in the mine was a bend and some crates of what looked like t-shirts in the flashlight.
"Ya'll got some more lights?"
"Reach around to the left wall."
"DesertGrandma, catch up and check for lights."
The clerk said. "You didn't say you had friends."
"You didn't ask."
DesertGrandma and VR caught up. She waved the left wall with her flashlight and spotted the switch. She flipped it and then there was light. I heard a couple of voices.
"Why did the lights come on?" 
"I don't know, Hugo. Weren't we suppose to sleep?"
"That's what the boss said." 
"When are we ever going to get enough money to go home with?"
"When they sell enough T-shirts to send us to Red."
"I miss the sock drawer, Hugo. I want to see the Queen again." Followed by some snifflin'.
I sorta located them by their talkin'.
"Howdy boys. Hear that you been lookin' for me."
In unison, "Red!"
I looked over at the clerk. "See, I told you we were old friends. Now I'm gonna do you another favor. In about one hour, there's gonna be all sorts of Fed's and cops and such pourin' in around here. I'd hate to see such a nice fellow and your co-worker mixed up in such a bad situation, so why don't you get into your car and kinda wander off for a couple of hours. Besides," as I looked down at a T-shirt, "This here is not an authorized edition of the these T-shirts. Ya'll wouldn't want to be caught with illegal merchandise, would you? What with all them Federales comin'." 
"You may have a point there. I'm just a hired hand, but the Feds might not believe me."
"Yep, they can be sooo narrow-minded at times. I'll deal with them. You can come back when the heats off. I promise I won't take any of the T-shirts out of the mine. 'Course I can't guarantee anything the cops do."
"You don't mind if I wander along now?"
"Car's where you left it, untouched. Just don't get any ideas about playin' John Wayne. It gets awful messy."
The clerk left, accelerating as he approached the mine entrance.

I turned to the boys. "How do you like the West?"
"It's awful expensive, Red."
"We didn't have enough money."
"And people looked at us funny when we asked questions."
"How'd you boys get over here in the first place?" I asked.
"A friend on MobileRead told us where to mail ourselves. He said we could see America while we sold T-shirts. But we didn't have money to go back with."
"We didn't pack any."
"Right, Lefty."
"So we were trying to earn postage."
"How much did you boys accumulate?"
A little change rattle on a box. "See, eight cents."
"No Hugo, 27 cents."
I saw two nickles and three pennys.
"We need a dollar thirty seven."
"Well, don't worry. I'm gonna take you back to Queen Zelda personally, and give you a tour of my office. You can meet both Mindy and Mrs Slocum, and see a private eye at work."
"Ooooh."
"Meanwhile, you can talk to VivaldiRules."
"He's here?"
"The Queen was awful worried and sent VR to find you. So, of course, I had to help him out."
"We didn't meant to worry the Queen."
"Maybe you'll remember that the next time you get the itch to travel. People worry when they don't know where you are." I waved at VR. "Here they are, safe and sound. Now I gotta start finishing DesertGrandma's fix."

POST 12

I went out of the mine shaft with L's cellphone until I got a signal. I punched the three stars for Zed's emergency line. I got Zed's bark right off.
"All right L, what's the emergency?"
"Well Zed, this isn't L. It's the Pearl of your ulcer. We need a chat."
"Where's L. And who are you?"
"I'm hurt. After 10 years you don't even remember me. I'll give you a hint, a talkin' dog."
A short pause and then a burst of profanity. "I'll make a Brillo pad holder out of your hide, Red!"
"Now, now, Zed, is that any way to greet an old friend."
"The only friends you have are buzzards."
"You left out rattlesnakes. And Gila Monsters. I believe you know some of those."
That got his attention. "What about Gila Monsters."
"Zed, some of your tourists don't have any sense. I don't mind myself, and I understand your need for quiet but some of your boys have gotten a little too frisky doin' their cover-up here. I'm just tryin' to do a peaceful settlement of the hooraw here. You know L still holds a grudge for that limp. I can't seem to get him to show any human kindness at all. Bustin' up a happy marriage is somethin' even a MIB shouldn't ought to do."
A deep sigh at the other end. "Alright, I know I'm gonna regret this, but what's the beef." 
I told him about the Gila Monster and the kidnappin'. 
"Now Zed, I think I've got the cause of the neuralizer not workin'. I've already passed it on to L, and asked him to let the innocent bystander go. He hasn't done anything to anybody. L's just been a horse's backside. So I called you to see if we can work out a prisoner swap."
"Let me guess, you've got L as your prisoner."
"Right in one, Zed. I'm just tryin' to get this quietly put to bed, so I can catch a Ranger's game and go home. So far, the Black Helicopter boys have been easier to deal with."
"They have less responsibility. Let me call the Arizona station and cross-check your story. If it holds up, we'll do the swap. Have you killed anybody?"
"Me, Zed? You know I'm a peaceable man. Now the captured man's wife got a bit edgy and bounced a frying pan off'n one of you agent's noggin, but I made sure he got taken to a hospital pronto. He was breathin' we I left."
Another burst of profanity.
"Now Zed, when somebody pulls a gun, he'd better understand that people don't consider it a peace offerin'. If L had just been willin' to listen to reason, instead of sendin' gunnies out to do more kidnappin', there wouldn't have been any flyin' frypans. You need to give that boy a refresher on public relations."
"You mean after kidnappin the husband, he tried to kidnap the wife?"
"Yep, it they both disappeared, things would be real quiet. So he figgered. But the wife had hired me to get her husband back, and L knew it. Not to interfere with your business, just to get her husband back, intact."
"I guess you have a reasonable beef, after all."
"I think so. So if you'll cross-check with your station, and call me back. We'll get this show on the road. And Zed."
"What?"
"Can you give me a mailin' address for L's hardware. I don't really want to give it up until this Mexican standoff is over. Nothin' personal, but I don't trust L or his buddies."
"Ok, find a safe spot and leave it, then call this number," He gave me a cell number, "and tell the person at the other end of the line where it is."
"Sounds great. I'll await you call."

POST 13

About an hour later, Zed gave me a ring back.
"The stuff checks out like you said. That's a good piece of work, Red."
"Just tryin' to help out."
"We'll have to do something about Montsnmag Beverages producing this stuff."
"Good luck. I haven't been able to get Montsnmag to do anything they don't want to do, even with nuke weapons."
"We'll see. Where do you want the swap?"
"How about in front of the Lazy Lizard mine? That way it'll be out of sight of most everybody."
"Sounds reasonable. When?"
"We're ready as soon as your folks get here. The quicker, the better, for everybody."
"Ok, I'll call you back with an ETA."
I went back into the cave and woke up L. He started to grouse, but shut up when I told him the deal had been set up with Zed. If he had any grousing to do, do it with his boss.
I was glad I wouldn't have to listen to that ruckus.
Meanwhile, I picked up all the business papers from the T-shirts for later perusal.

A half hour later, the MIB showed up with DesertGrandpa. The swap went off slicker than a politician’s payoff. It was good to see two older people huggin' and cryin'. One of the benefits of the job.
I escorted them back home, with VR and the gang in tow. I saw that they settled in, and told them to sip on the leftover Zany Carter Deluxe for a couple of days, until it was certain that the MIB would keep their end of the bargain. If they reneged and got a few holes in them, that wasn't any of my concern.

As we drove off, I asked, "Well VR, I promised Hugo and Lefty a day at the office. You want to come along?"
He shuddered. "Not with that cat there. I've called the Queen and told her that Hugo and Lefty have been found, and are in your custody. I think I'll fly back home. It's not my vacation time."
"Do you want me to put in a good word with Her Majesty for some more scritch time?"
"Wellll. If you wouldn't mind..." 
"No problem at all. You fly over to Pinwheel and I'll have it arranged by the time you get there. Drop you off at the airport?"
"Over at the private plane section. And could you call my human?"
I punched in the number and held the phone while VR made his arrangements. We got to the airport and I dropped him off.
"Thanks Red. See you in Pinwheel."
"Scritch, scritch, VR."

I went over to the Sardine Tin and took the next flight back home. I figgered it was safer to head out of town that to stick around as a clay pigeon at a Ranger's game.

POST  14

I came in the next morning with Hugo and Lefty in a box, so there would be no inopportune comments by the boys. Mindy was at the reception desk, pettin' Mrs Slocum. 
"Hi Boss."
"Any disasters since I left?"
"I got a check from the DEA for a parking ticket. Something about "would you please only work where we hire you to" in the letter."
" 'Bout time they paid my expenses. Mindy, I got a couple of people I want you to meet."
I took off the box cover.
"Mindy, this is Hugo and Lefty. Boys, this is Mindy."
"Are you a real fairy?"
"With slippers?"
"No Lefty, that's wings."
"Like a butterfly?"
"Uh-huh."
"But where are they?" 
"She's wearin' them under her dress, boys, so as not to bother people who come in needin' help."
Mrs Slocum was watchin' this with great concern. She apparently decided she wanted nothing to do with talking socks, so she went and hid behind the file cabinet. Meanwhile, Mindy's eyes were gettin' bigger and bigger.
"Mindy, I need for you to book a trip for me to Pinwheel. I need to take the boys home to the Queen. Make it for a week."
"Uh. Ok, Boss. How soon?"
"When's the next flight?"
"This afternoon, I think."
"Book it if it's available."
"Right, Boss."
"Let's go back to my office boys. I've got somebody I want you to meet."
"Great, Red."

Back in the office, I got out the box that Lilac Jive had sent me.
"Boys. I've got you a companion for the trip back. Her name is Lola."
I pulled out a beautiful cream-colored scarf. 
"Hi, boys." She said, in a throaty contralto.
"I'm certain ya'll enjoy the company on the way back to see the Queen."
Hugo and Lefty were both lookin' kinda nervous.
"Tell you what, boys. I need to do some readin' on a case. I'm gonna put you together and put the box on the shelf, while you get acquainted. See ya later."

I read the stack of papers I retrieved from the Lazy Lizard. I asked Mindy to check out a couple of items in the papers, and they checked out. I'd settle it when I got back from Pinwheel.
A few hours later I rolled out to the flight to Pinwheel, carry the box with the boys. When I got off the plane, Monseur Claude Vutton personally greeted me and escorted me to an official limousine. It went straight to the palace.
VR met me as I got off and escorted me directly to the Queen.
I knelt.
"Rise, Sir Sir Red. Have you returned with Hugo and Lefty."
"I have, Your Majesty." 
I opened the box.
A tired "Hi, Zelda." came from Hugo and an even more tired "Hi." came from Lefty.
"I'd also like to introduce a new scarf to go with the set. Her name is Lola."
"Hello, Your Majesty."
Queen Zelda took a look in the box and then a real hard look at me. "Sir Sir Red, we wish to talk to you later, privately."
Maybe introducing Lola to the boys wasn't such a hot idea. I was just tryin' to make certain they didn't want to go walkabout again.... 
"At your command, Your Majesty."

POST 15

I got back home after a good chewin' out by the queen about Hugo and Lefty's travelin' companion. I managed to patch things up with Her Majesty, which resulted in a lot of target practice. 
I got to the office the next morning, needin' to close the final thread of the case. Or cases.
"Mindy, I got to do a conference call with a client, so I'll be unavailable for about an hour."
"Try not to snore too loudly."
"Does it show that badly?"
"It does."
"Ok. Just don't fry me, I'm too worn out to dodge."

I went back into my office, propped up my feet, and called Steve Jordan.
"Howdy, Steve, I got some progress on those pirate T-shirts. I shut down the ring in Arizona."
"Great, Red. What do I owe you."
"The truth. Why did you pirate yourself?"
"Huh. I don't know what you're talking about."
"Now Steve, you left a paper trail a Cub Scout could follow. So why do you hire me to shut down the pirates you had hired in the first place. Inquirin' minds want to know. And don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking' about. The first thing they teach you when becomin' a P.I. is never trust the client."
A long silence.
"I needed the money. But I publicly made such a big deal out of making money out of writing only, I couldn't go back on my word."
"So if somebody else did it, you could get some money, and still look virtuous. And when the deal didn't work out as profitable as you'd hoped, you'd have a dumb P.I. bust the ring, recover the T-shirts left over and sell 'em yourself or give 'em away to charity, gettin' the free publicity and still lookin' virtuous, 'cause you were sellin' captured pirate stock, which you didn't have anything to do with, right?"
"I need to talk to my lawyer."
"Now Steve, it isn't illegal to defraud yourself. It's just embarassin'. But you shouldn't have left Hugo and Lefty as the fall guys. That caused way too much heat. I've spent a week soothin' ruffled feathers. Don't worry, I left your name out.
"So what are you goin' to do, Steve? Leave the T-shirt down the mine shaft, and I'll forget the whole affair. Admit that you're now sellin' T-shirts, and I'll forget the whole affair, as well. But no false virtue, it cheapens the real McCoy." I thought about DesertGrandma, going to take on the whole world for her husband.
"I'll think over my options."
"Do that. Meanwhile, I'm markin' your case as solved, no fee required. Think of it as professional courtesy."
"Thanks, Red."
I hung up and loaded my .22 with BB Caps and started plinkin' at FDR...

Fin

CONCORDANCE

Post 1

Tequila Mafia - Made up Mexican drug cartel.

Federales - Mexican term for their Federal police. Used in southwest US as slang for various US federal law enforcement agencies. (FBI, ATF, DEA, Border Patrol, ect.)

600 Kilos of Horse - Horse in this context is slang for Heroin.

The Mexican Blackbird - The most politically incorrect song ever recorded by the band ZZ Top, who are known for their politically incorrect songs.

Frank Sinatra - The epitome of polite, white, musicians from the 1940's and 50's. Definitely not the style of music listened to in the Barrios (Hispanic ghettos).

Dress like a Hoover Doll - J Edgar Hoover was the head of the FBI from it's founding in the early 1930's until his death in 1971. He required all FBI personnel to dress in a suit and tie no matter how inappropriate it was for the task at hand. During the hippy era, you could tell who the FBI agent was, because he was the only one in a suit and tie. Hoover also liked his men (ahem) after hours to be well-dressed, as well...

Figger - Local pronunciation for figure.

They oughta start at the White House - President Obama has admitted to using cocaine in his youth. If there weren’t any demand for illegal drugs, there wouldn't be any supply...

Crooked Congress Casbah - Slang for Washington D.C. Implying that our Congress is a bazaar where any law you want is available for a price...

MIB - The Men In Black. It started as a comic books, spread to music and later to the movies. A mythical(?) hidden government group in charge of everything having to do with UFOs.

Federal Bureau of Idiots - FBI

Nolan - Nolan Ryan. American baseball pitcher born and raised in South Texas. Holds the record for most strike out of batters and the most no-hit games in profession baseball.

Bubba - A mythical person who knows everybody of importance. From an old joke. After claiming to know various famous people to a questioner, the questioner asks him to prove he knows the Pope by going up and talking to him during an appearance on the St. Peters balcony. When he does so, the questioner is taken aback by the person next to him asking "Who's the guy with the pointy hat next to Bubba?"....

Post 2

Doc told Bubba - Bubba met Doc Savage on one of his adventures when Bubba was a little kid. It was one of Doc's later ones, after Doc had stop using gadgets.

Homo In Excelsis - See Sentinels In Space, by Eric Frank Russell

The Sardine Tin - One of the many nicknames for Southwest Airlines.

The Black Helicopter Guys - A different conspiracy theory. They are in charge of the security for the hidden government who actually runs the world. Real? You tell me....

Post 3

Before their losses start countin' – The Texas Rangers franchise had the second worst history of making the playoff of all the professional teams in American baseball.

Back to the rat killin's - To return to the issue at hand.

Post 4 

Gonna have a hissy fit - To lose one's temper.

Post 5 

Zany Carter Deluxe - An extremely potent beverage preferred by the readers of MobileRead. 

Post 6 

Want to run a log on it - A phrase from the oil drilling business. It means to analyse the current bits of rock coming out of the well being drilled to determine if any traces of oil are there as well as to determine what rock strata you are currently in.

Bozo The Clown - A clown act from the 1950's. Used generically to denote a stupid fool. The British equivalent is a Right Burke.

Yahoo - Uneducated lout.

Post 7

Little Big Horn - Place where General Custer lost his last battle.

Black Ford POS - Standard issue car for the MIB so they will blend into most neighborhoods. Has an enormous amount of "under the hood" modifications.

Elvis sent me - According to the MIB, Elvis never died. It was a put-up job so he could go back home to his planet of origin.

Post 8 & 9

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Post 10

Senior general position -  Far behind the main lines where you don't ever get shot at....

Post 11

The rockin' chair - Trucker talk for the middle of a group of trucks. The lead truck might get a ticket, the trailing truck might get a ticket, but you won't get one in the middle of the pack.

Post 12

Brillo pad - A pad of stainless steel shavings combined with soap. Designed for scrubbing metal pans.

Post 13 ,14 , and 15

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