Pig-boy Romances Tanuki-chan

2. Chapter One: Chaos in Edo

Author's Note: Have I bored you yet? Well, it kinda picks up in this chapter. I'm hoping that I can finish this in a matter of days. If any of you have read my other stuff, I'm sure you know that I tend to go for loooong stories. You'll understand if you're reading "Bring Out the Dragon" (Rurouni Kenshin Fanfic) and this original piece I'm doing called "The Third Soul".

Enough preamble. Standard disclaimers apply.

On with the story.

Pig-boy Romances Tanuki-chan

Chapter One: Chaos in the Kamiya Dojo

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed, his head following the arc of the flying black pig, but his attention soon returned to the mirror as chaos began to pour through the Kamiya front yard.

A girl with long, ebony layered hair stumbled through the surface, rolling as gracefully as she can manage; two other people immediately followed her. One of them was a young man with a pigtail to add distinction to the jet-black tresses on his head. Next came a young lady, with short hair as dark as night and brown eyes to go with it. They all had odd packs strapped to their backs. It would seem that they were travelers.

The guy looked somewhat normal, as far as Mirror-Travelers go. He might have been Chinese if his attire was any indication. He wore the black drawstring pants and the red shirt with poise and bearing. He moved impressively, like one accustomed to push his body to the limit without looking like he was exerting any effort.

The two women...that was a different story.

The brown-eyed maiden wore fitting pants, cut off just below the knee. She was bare-armed, and her sleeveless blouse clung snugly to her body.

It was the first woman that caught most of Kenshin's attention. She wore short pants, made of a strange thick material that had seams and buttons. It hugged her hips quite attractively, accenting the well-shaped legs that stretched out from it. Her top consisted of a blue, cottony material, rounded at the collar from shoulder blade to shoulder blade, its sleeves slightly puffed and barely leaving the perimeter of her shoulders. The blouse fitted around her bosom and then flowed loosely up to her waist. Her feet were clad in the oddest kind of shoes, colorful and cushioned concoctions, laced up with thick strings.

"K-Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin asked in absolute astonishment. God, she was practically naked! All his fear and anger melted into embarrassment and all he wanted to do was take one of the sheets from the clothesline to cover her. For goodness sake, Sano and Yahiko were staring!

Kaoru paid him no heed as she grabbed the guy who had stumbled out with her and virtually shoved him towards the mirror. "Hurry up already, Ranma!" she cried urgently.

"I'm trying! I'm trying!" The boy called Ranma yelled. "I just ain't remembering the words right now!"

The other girl pulled a mallet out of nowhere. "Ranma, you idiot!"

"Un-cute tomboy!" Ranma hissed right back at her.

"SEAL IT ALREADY!" Kaoru screamed frantically.

Loud voices began to filter through the surface of the glass, speaking one after another.

"Where art thou, my raven beauty? Forsooth! Hast thou disappeared with my sublime Akane and the hauntingly mysterious pigtailed goddess in one fell swoop? No universe shall be wide enough to separate me from the three loves of my life!"

"Nihao! You no lose Shampoo so easy!" Ring! Ring!

"Ran-chan! What's the big idea, leaving me here? Konatsu, stop that!"

"Former son-in-law, where do you think you're off to?"

"Growf!"

"Oh my!"

"Wahhhhh! My little girl's been swallowed by a mirror!"

"Oi! I said 5000 yen!"

"Panties!"

A mummified little man jumped out and landed scandalously perched on the mallet-wielding girl's chest. He began to fondle her quite thoroughly.

"Perverrrrrrt!" she shrieked in horror.

Ranma's face darkened and he stepped forward with his fists curled menacingly. "Happosai...get away from my WIFE!" He yelled.

The old man gave a cackle, meeting Ranman's fist but not without pulling out the undergarment of the one he had so brazenly groped. The girl gave a second shriek.

"Hey!" Ranma growled. "Give that back!"

The two began to chase each other all over the yard with uncanny speed, zipping back and forth in a dynamic blur.

"Great! Just great!" Kaoru cried in irritation. "Now they'll all be here!" She muttered in a panic. Shampoo will total my dojo with her on-goings. "I must contain the situation."

She moved in a blink of an eye, picking up Kenshin's laundry tub with one hand.

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed as he, Sano and Yahiko saw a horde of people, and one panda, squeezing through the mirror's surface.

With a grand splash, the soapy contents of the tub bathed the looking glass.

"Quack! Quack!"

"Growf!" The panda held up a sign that asked, "What did you do that for?"

"Meowwwww!"

Ranma stiffened and caught sight of the drenched kitten, trying to make its way out of a tangle of clothes and bonbori. "C-c-c-c-caaaaat!" he spat, jumping out if his skin in terror. He sprang to his hands and feet, bounding on the lap of the brown-eyed girl. He nipped her nose then rubbed his head under her jaw, purring loudly as he did so.

A girl with a gigantic spatula stepped out. "Kaoru, honey, did you have to splash everyone?"

Kaoru sighed wearily. "Sorry Ucchan, but water's stupid that way."

"I ought to charge you for this T-shirt," said another girl grouchily as her short brown hair hung a bit limp from the unexpected shower.

Kaoru placed her fists on her waist and frowned. "I told you not to follow."

"What? And miss out on all the profits? No way!"

"Meowr!! Hiss! Hiss!" Ranma sputtered, his eyes suddenly falling on the mysterious black pig that just happened to appear from its earlier flight.

"P-chan!" The brown-eyed girl cried.

Without warning, Ranma pounced on the pig and sent him flying another way, right smack into Sano's face. Yahiko collapsed on the porch in uncontrollable laughter.

"Ouch!!" Sano cried as he wrestled the pig from his hair. "Dammit! Oww!"

"Oh no! Bad kitty! Bad!" Scolded the brown-eyed lady, standing in front of the man turned cat. When Ranma curled up in remorse, the girl looked over her shoulder at Sano who seemed like he was throttling the pig. "Oh, P-chan!"

"I'm on it, Akane," Kaoru said, rushing to rescue the P-chan from Sano's murderous grasp. "You go take care of Ranma."

The pig calmed down instantly when it felt Kaoru's gentle touch. In a few seconds, she was cradling a contented pig in her arms.

"Er...Kaoru-dono," Kenshin was finally able to interject. "What's going on?"

"I'll tell you for 2000 yen--"

"Nabiki, stuff it!" Kaoru said with a serious frown. "We don't have that much yen around her yet, and I'm certainly not going to let anyone here pay for an explanation."

"Jou-chan, what the hell..."

"Later Sano," Kaoru said with a weary sigh. "I'll tell you everything just as soon as things settle down."

"Where is my granddaughter, Ancient One?" asked a tiny old woman who balanced perfectly on a stick.

"You should talk, Cologne," Kaoru huffed, but she replied to the question anyway. "I don't know where Shampoo is, but I heard something quacking over there, and where Mousse is, Shampoo must be nearby."

"Thanks!" Cologne said, hopping away with agility not common to one her age.

"I hope you are careful, girls!" A pleasant looking woman called from the mirror while a man sobbed loudly beside her.

Kaoru sighed again. "Mou! You might as well join us, Kasumi. The entire population of Nerima's here anyway."

"Oh my! No! Who will keep house if I do?" Kasumi replied. "Besides, I must keep father company since Uncle Genma is there with you."

"Well, in that case, I'll see you around, Kasumi. Say hi to Dr. Tofu for me. Bye Uncle Soun!" Kaoru said, waving a cheerful farewell.

Kasumi and Soun's image disappeared from the mirror.

"Yahiko, could you get me a glass of water?" Kaoru asked, observing that Ranma had settled himself comfortably on Akane's lap.

Yahiko was still letting out burps of laughter as he followed orders. "Sure Ugly," he said with a smirk.

"HOW DARE YOU CALL HER SUCH SLANDEROUS NAMES, YOU NON-APPRECIATOR OF BEAUTY!" Someone thundered from the depths of the looking glass.

"Here he comes," Nabiki muttered to Kenshin.

Kenshin was too bewildered to even say "Oro" with his usual conviction.

"Eh?" Yahiko asked, catching very little in the babble.

A figure in a gi and hakama stepped out of the mirror, pompously holding a bokken. "I am the great Kuno Tatewaki, Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, rising star of the honorable art of kendo, defender of women against the vile sorcerer Saotome Ranma, and destined soul mate of Kamiya Kaoru!" A rumble sounded overhead in spite of the fact that there wasn't a single cloud in the sky.

Kenshin glared. What? Soul mate he said?

Kaoru rolled her eyes around in disgust.

"Come to me, thy picture of a rare and wondrous flower!" Tatewaki cried, running towards Kaoru with arms wide open. "Let me shower thee with the richness of Kuno coffers! I will date thee!"

Kaoru pulled a bokken out of thin air in much the same way as Akane pulled out her mallet and slammed it clear across Kuno's face, sending him flying against the dojo gate with a splat.

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed louder than ever. He seemed to have lost his powers of speech, for that was all he could say for the past minute.

"Kuso!" Sano cursed. "Who the hell does he think he is?"

"He's told you quite clearly," Kaoru replied. "Yahiko, the water please."

Yahiko went off, grumbling.

Kaoru approached Akane and Ranma. The others and a very furry panda came up behind her.

"How's he doing?" Kaoru asked, kneeling beside them.

Akane sighed and grunted against Ranma's weight. "He's fine, but my legs are falling asleep."

Kenshin looked at Ranma's purring form gingerly. "What's wrong with him, if you don't mind me asking?"

"The poor boy is suffering from Nekoken." Kaoru explained.

Sano scratched his head. "What's a Nekoken?"

"Cat training," Kaoru said. "You wrap a victim with a string of sausages and maybe a bit of fish, throw him into a pit of hungry cats and see where it gets him, instant Cat-Fist. Most victims go out of their minds completely. Ranma's lucky."

There was something ineffably disturbing about Ranma being considered lucky in spite of his current state of mind.

"Yeah, no thanks to his dad over there," Nabiki mumbled, pointing a thumb over her shoulder at the panda behind her.

Sano gave her a puzzled frown. "Er, that's a panda, toots."

"I know," Nabiki replied. "Like I said, his dad."

"What the hell? Somebody better start explaining all this!" Demanded Sano.

"Hey ugly! Here's your water," Yahiko said, appearing from the house.

"For 5000 yen I can make him stop calling you names," Nabiki whispered to Kaoru.

"3000" Kaoru bargained, sidetracked.

"4000," said Nabiki. "Final price."

Kaoru sighed. "Fine. Just get him off my back."

Nabiki grinned. "Give me three days, he'll be licking your boots."

Kaoru nodded and took the glass from Yahiko. She immediately splashed its contents on Ranma.

Kenshin, Sano and Yahiko gasped as Ranma became a busty, female redhead before their very eyes. "Eh!?!?!?" They cried in unison.

Ranma snapped out of Nekoken in an instant, sputtering through the droplets of water. "Aw, shit!" she cried in a woman's voice. "Not again! Why'd you have to splash Shampoo anyway, Kaoru?"

"Idiot!" Akane hissed. "If Shampoo and Mousse came piling in here as people, they would have wrecked the place! Who's going to pay for the damage? You?"

Ranma hopped off Akane and frowned. "Dammit! I could have taken both of 'em in a couple of seconds!"

"Bwee!" Squealed the pig from Kaoru's arms.

"Shut-up, pork breath!" Ranma yelled.

"Leave P-chan alone!" Akane cried, grabbing the pig from Kaoru and hugging it to her chest.

Ranma glared angrily. "How many time do I have to tell you not to glomp that little porker?"

"Honestly Ranma!" She shouted. "To be jealous of a pig!"

"Hey, you're my wife and pig-face ain't gonna get its paws on you, got that?" She shouted back, making a lunge for the pig. "You're not even wearing a bra!"

"Maybe his...er, her sanity was affected after all," Kenshin whispered to Kaoru.

Akane rose with lightning fast quickness, moving out of the way. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Can we please settle down?" Kaoru pleaded, stepping between Ranma and Akane. "I have a lot of explaining to do, so please..."

Ranma and Akane sighed, shamefaced. "Sorry," they said together.

"Jeez, and they're suppose to be married," Sano muttered to no one in particular.

"It's alright," Kaoru responded to Akane and Ranma with a nod. "Now..."

"Ukyo-sama..." came a voice from the mirror.

Kaoru sighed in exasperation. It seemed sighing was the order of the day for her. "What now?" She grumbled, turning to look.

A pretty head popped out, grinning.

"Konatsu!" Ukyo exclaimed, looking displeased. "I thought I told you to look after the restaurant while I'm gone?"

Konatsu bowed apologetically. "Yes, yes, but Kasumi-sama requested me to drag over Ryouga-san's bag and umbrella in case he needed it. I, er...need help."

Akane's face softened. "He's here? Oh dear, he must be lost by now. Go get his bag, Ranma. You're the only one who could carry it. Isn't Kasumi sweet to remember Ryouga?"

"Yeah, she's giving me a toothache," Ranma grumbled, walking towards the mirror. She reached into the glass and pulled out a backpack and a parasol. "Thank you, Konatsu."

Konatsu sighed in relief. "No. Thank you. Kasumi-sama can really make you do things."

"Tell me about it," Ranma replied.

Konatsu disappeared and the mirror finally went still.

"Think you can seal it now, Ranma?" Kaoru asked her, loathed at the thought that Kodachi, Kuno Tatewaki's crazy sister, might come barreling through.

Ranma's face brightened and she nodded. "Yep! I suddenly remember the words!"

"Yeah, after the whole of Nerima walked right through it," Nabiki said sarcastically.

Ranma frowned. "Hey! If Happi hadn't come through and groped Akane..."

"Never mind that, Ran-chan," Ukyo said. "Just seal the damn thing!"

Ranma placed her hand on the mirror's surface. "Victoria's Secret Spring Collection, 1990!"

The mirror flashed a bright white light then settled.

"That's it? Those are the magic words?" Akane asked. "Ranma no baka!"

"Hey! It's Happosai's mirror, not mine!" Ranma protested. "I'm not perverted enough to remember it just like that!"

Akane merely shook her head and muttered something about her husband being hit by a stupid-stick.

Kaoru led them all towards the house with the panda lumbering behind them.

"Do we have some hot water, Kenshin?" Kaoru asked him daintily.

"O-Of course, Kaoru-dono," Kenshin stuttered, somewhat overwhelmed by her sapphire pools.

"Look at him," Sano said to Yahiko in a low voice.

Yahiko gave Sano an irritated glare. "Is that all you want me to do all day? Look at him?"

Nabiki grinned at Kaoru. "Cool! You're boyfriend thinks you're royalty."

Kaoru rolled her eyes around. "Not quite, Nabiki. Watch."

"Would like some help with that, Ranma-dono?" Kenshin asked.

"Uh...I see your point," Nabiki remarked. "But the boyfriend part..."

"He's not. He's perfectly clueless," Kaoru said in misery. "Worse than Ranma before he admitted his feelings to Akane."

Ukyo shook her head in amazement. "More clueless than Ran-chan? Bummer."

"Tell me about it," Kaoru responded.

Kaoru got all of them in the sitting room and she grabbed the kettle of hot water from the kitchen. She first poured it over Ranma. Another gasp rippled through the present Kenshin-gumi at the change that took place.

"N-No way! Must be some sort of trick!" Sano exclaimed, hitting himself on the head just in case his mind was playing a joke on him.

"Everything will be explained just as soon as...er, everyone's back to normal," Kaoru said, walking over to the panda. She began to pour and the Nerima-gumi shrieked for her to stop.

Too late. The water had been poured and Genma was stark naked.

"Eep! I'm so sorry!! I forgot!" Kaoru cried, turning away in total embarrassment with the girls.

"Ugh! That's more than I would like to know," Nabiki said in disgust.

"Kaoru, you moron," Ranma said in exasperation.

P-chan shrieked in protest of his words.

"Yeah, yeah, pork breath," Ranma grumbled. "But your girlfriend deserved that."

"Really, Ranma," Kaoru huffed.

"Don't just stand there boy, get me some clothes!" Genma yelled, coiling into a tight ball on the floor.

"Jeez, pop! Don't cha think I would if I could? Where am I gonna get clothes for a fat ass like you around here?" Ranma asked disdainfully.

Kenshin was shocked at the disrespect he was giving his father.

Ukyo and Akane gave each other helpless glances.

"Ran-chan, just try to help him, would you?" Ukyo appealed.

"Um...If it pleases you, I might have a spare robe," Kenshin said. "It might be a little tight for him, but it will fit."

"Thank you," Ranma responded, surprise evident in his voice. "Jeez, you're awful polite. Are you sure you were Battousai?"

Kenshin mustered a rurouni grin. "Certainly, Ranma-dono, last time I checked." He got up to get the robe and noticed the pig...snarling at him. Don't be ridiculous, pigs can't feel...jealousy? Was that chi he was feeling from the pig? Impossible, animals cannot focus chi.

"Kenshin, do you think you can give the robe to Genma?" Kaoru said to him. "There are a few things I have to do."

"Or course, Kaoru-dono," he replied.

"How long is this going to take, ugly?" Yahiko whined from his seat.

"Bwee!" The pig cried.

Akane giggled. "You better stop calling Kaoru-chan names, Yahiko-kun. P-chan doesn't like anyone dissing her, I've noticed."

Kaoru sighed for the upteenth time that day. "Just wait, brat. Akane, do you mind if I bring P-chan outside for a while? I'm not very partial to animals in the house."

"Umm...sure, Kaoru. Please secure him. I don't want him getting lost here," said Akane, handing Kaoru the pig.

The pig immediately snuggled itself against Kaoru contentedly.

With the kettle unnoticeably in her hand, Kaoru stepped outside the house and slid the door close. She set P-chan down and he bweed happily.

"Ryouga, listen to me," Kaoru began sternly. "When you change back, I don't want any 'Die Saotomes' or any challenges to a fight, you hear? This property is all I have left of my father and I don't want anyone destroying it. You hear?"

The pig nodded solemnly.

Kaoru smiled easily for the first time that day. "Good. Now let me call Ranma," she said, raising her head to call over her shoulder. "Ranma! Some help here!"

Ranma came out, grinning. "Have you talked to pork-face?"

Kaoru nodded and handed Ranma the kettle amidst P-chan's squeal of protest. "No taunting. I can't have a fight in this dojo."

"Yeah, yeah," Ranma said as Kaoru went back inside.

Genma was now decent.

Kaoru sat before them and introduced everyone as she waited for the two other men outside. "Everyone, this is Himura Kenshin, Segara Sanosuke and Myojin Yahiko," Kaoru said, pointing to the two samurais and the street fighter. "Guys, these are my friends from Nerima. Saotome Akane, Saotome Genma, Tendou Nabiki and Kuonji Ukyo. The one outside is Saotome Ranma, Genma's son and Akane's husband. Then there's...er..."

"Hey people, look! It's Ryouga!" Akane said in surprise as he entered the house with Ranma.

A young man wearing ninja shoes and a yellow bandana around his head appeared, his hair somewhat wet.

Kenshin stared at him suspiciously, particularly at the yellow bandana.

"Hibiki Ryouga," Kaoru said, grinning.

"When did you get here?" Nabiki asked as he sat beside Kaoru.

"Er," Ryouga began. Change the subject! His brain told him. Kaoru pinched his rib painfully to speak up. "Umm...I wasn't about to let Kuno make moves on the girls without me beating what little brains he has left."

Ranma laughed, sitting beside Akane. "Kaoru already did that. You're too late."

Ryouga glowered a little. "He'll be recovering from his current state soon. When he does...if he even speaks to Kaoru...I'll kill him!"

Ranma snickered but everyone else fell silent. Kaoru was staring at him like he was nuts.

"What is wrong with you, Ryouga? Are you alright?" Kaoru asked him.

Ryouga went pale, realizing just now what he had said. "Er...what I meant to say was...you and Akane...right. Both of you."

Nabiki sniffed yen. She has been suspecting something for months now, and in her experience, when she was suspicious, it usually bore merit. "What about me and Ukyo, hmm?" She fished.

"Y-you too," Ryouga stammered, lowering his gaze. Shit! I can't believe I said that! In front of Nabiki too! And Battousai! Double shit!

Kenshin peered at him intently. What is this boy getting at?

Kaoru waved a hand before her. "Oh, leave him alone Nabiki. Ryouga-kun, quit squirming so I can get this explaining over with. Now, it goes like this. That mirror out there, it's the whole of a piece Happosai owns. Happosai is that little lecher you saw a while ago and he uses the magic from the mirror to travel back and forth in time. So when I fell into it, I ended up in Japan in the future...well, it's been four years for me since."

"Eh?" Sanosuke exclaimed, befuddled by the math. "But you were gone for no more than five seconds here!"

Kaoru nodded. "Yes, I am aware of that."

"Feh! You're even more of a hag now that you're twenty three!" Yahiko piped.

"Shut-up, you little brat!" Kaoru hissed, landing her magical bokken on the boy's head. No one seemed to feel this was out of the ordinary.

Kenshin fidgeted. Where does she hide that thing? "Kaoru-dono, this unworthy one does not understand how that is possible," he said mildly.

The Nerima-gumi stared at Kenshin in awe. Not only was Battousai polite and gentle, he also considered himself unworthy, not what they expected of the ex-Ishinshishi Assassin.

Kaoru was not fazed in the slightest. Apparently, this was his normal behavior. "It is. Strange things happen in Nerima, and for goodness sake, I think its strangeness is spilling over. Anyway, I think maybe Happosai created the magic mirror. He has enormous chi. It might be even as strong as yours, Kenshin, if not stronger. That says a lot because your chi is stronger than Ranma's, Akane's or Ryouga's. I don't know if he outweighs Hiko's though."

"Seijuurou Hiko? The Seijuurou Hiko?" Akane asked. "He's still alive?"

Kenshin gave her a rurouni grin that unsettled the Nerima-gumi a bit more. "Of course, Akane-dono. Master Hiko is only forty something, you know."

"And he's a master of Hiten Mitsurugi style already? Coolness!" Ranma exclaimed in admiration.

Kaoru smiled. "Kenshin already qualifies as a master, and he's only thirty!" She said proudly.

"Thirty?!?" The Nerima-gumi cried in unison.

"B-but you were only 19 when you came to Nerima, Kaoru-chan!" Ryouga pointed out. "You...and he...?"

"Ooh! Older man!" Nabiki said, her eyes glowing at the intrigue.

Kaoru and Kenshin blushed.

Ryouga looked about ready to cry.

Ranma nudged his friend. "Psst! You alright?" he whispered.

"How can I compete?" Ryouga responded forlornly.

A mischievous glint crossed Ranma's eyes. "Hey, younger guys like us, we got stamina..."

"Ranma...you pervert..." Ryouga growled.

Ranma frowned. "Hey, who you callin' a pervert, bacon-face?" he suddenly yelled.

"Oro!" Kenshin piped in surprise at the outburst that came out of nowhere.

"That's my manly boy!" Genma guffawed.

Ranma glowered a bit blue. Anything that reminded him of the ordeal he had to go through with his mother and her idea of seppuku if he wasn't "manly" enough really got his goat. "Shut up old man!" He grabbed his father's collar and threw him out to the pond. There was a splash, and then a resounding "Growf!"

Kenshin blinked, astounded by his strength. "How did you do that?"

"Ranma, you moron!" Kaoru and Akane yelled at the same time.

"You should treat your father with more respect!" Akane scolded him.

"I'll give him respect when he deserves it," Ranma growled.

Ryouga rose to his feet, glowing blue himself. "Ranma...you honor-less cur..."

"Who are you calling honor-less, oinker?" Ranma demanded, rising to his feet as well.

"Er..." Sano began uncertainly from his seat.

"Don't worry," Nabiki grumbled to him. "Kaoru's an expert diffuser."

Kaoru sprang up between them and turned her stern gaze at Ryouga. "Ryouga, you promised!" She reminded him.

Ryouga froze, then lowered his stance. "I did. I'm sorry. It won't happen again," he said, plopping back down on his place.

Kaoru then looked at Ranma. "You! Sit!"

Ranma met eyes with her stubbornly, then he relented, beginning to relax. "Oookay! Sheesh! How many un-cute tomboys do I have to put up with in one lifetime?" He muttered.

Kaoru's bokken and Akane's mallet sent him careening into a robe-clad panda making its way back across the yard.

"Aw, shit!" Said a sign the panda managed to hold up just before Ranma connected with a crunch.

"Jerk!" Akane hissed. "Can't believe I married the pervert!"

"Damn, Jou-chan!" Sano cried. "Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?"

"Oh, how cute!" Ukyo gushed. "He calls you Jou-chan, Kaoru? Sweet!"

Ryouga glowed blue for a second then went back to normal.

"Tanuki-chan!" Someone called from outside.

Kaoru groaned, recognizing who it was at once. "Great! Now Megumi's here to make things worse."

Nabiki began to laugh. "Tanuki-chan?"

Akane and Ukyo giggled while Ryouga was seriously trying to hold down his cackles.

The attractive doctor appeared at the door. "Do you know you have an unconscious panda on your yard wearing a robe, pinning a struggling man to the ground?"

"Please sit down, Megumi-chan. You might as well be here," Kaoru said wearily.

Megumi came in to sit with the circle, her eyes roving. "My, you've got quite a full house today."

Kaoru nodded and introduced everyone, leaving out Genma for the meantime. Ranma was able to crawl out from under the panda just in time for introductions.

"Where did you get these studs, Kaoru?" Megumi asked, her fox-ears showing.

"Ranma and Akane are married, Megumi," Kaoru said in haste, seeing that Akane had begun to shimmer red. "And Ryouga-kun's--"

"Not available?" Nabiki suddenly interjected with a raised eyebrow.

"Whatever are you talking about?" Kaoru asked in perplexity.

Ryouga managed to go pale again.

Seeing his face and heeding Nabiki's words, Ukyo somewhat caught on. "Confused?" She said by way of suggestion.

"I'm not confused!" Ryouga protested.

"Lost maybe, most of the time," Ranma said with a cocked grin. "But not confused."

"Saotome..." Ryouga growled.

"Aaargh!" Kaoru exploded, clutching her hair. "This is impossible! I'll never get this done!"

"I'll do it for you for one of your kimonos, Kaoru-chan," Nabiki said. "A nice, expensive antique when I get back to Nerima."

"Deal!" Kaoru cried in absolute relief.

Nabiki nodded. "Alright everyone, listen up! Questions will only be entertained after the narration. Any interruption will be sanctioned by Kaoru's bokken. Is that clear?"

"Aye!" Said the Kenshin-gumi.

"Oh, thy sun upon the blackest day that heaven doth sent!"

WHAM!

Kuno stayed pasted to the gate a little longer.

To be continued...

3. Chapter Two: Stories, Food and Observati...

Author's Note: Again, I hope I haven't bored you yet. The title makes the whole thing pretty obvious, and the summary doesn't leave much for speculation either, but this is an RK-R1/2 Humor Piece, and I'm thinking, it's the process of the plot that's important. I just hope I get this done in a week's time. The characters (as usual) sometimes go OOC, but then as I've said in my other stories, I like it when characters go OOC, it makes for more funnies.

If you've noticed though, Kenshin goes OOC most of all. The reason behind this is: I simply think it's hilarious. I believe that behind Kenshin's rurouni smile lurks a smart-aleck mind. Kenshin isn't an idiot, only when it comes to his relationship with Kaoru, so the rurouni-smile shouldn't be construed as oblivion. At least, that's what I want to think. Anyway, I just love to play, don't you? And yes, (don't any of you kill me for this) I believe he does get jealous of others who seek Kaoru's affections.

Standard disclaimers apply. When I discover a genie in a lamp, I'll wish that I created RK and R1/2, but in the meantime, they aren't mine.

On with the story.

Chapter Two: Stories, Food and Observations In Between

Nabiki's Narration: Kaoru arrived in Nerima through the mirror one sunny day in 1987. 19 year old Ranma and 18 year old Akane have been engaged for two years and were nowhere near marrying each other. Happosai, being up to his old antics, was trying to get away with his biggest stash of stolen underwear yet. In case you haven't noticed, he's a panty stealing pervert. He used his mirror, probably to hide his loot somewhere in the 19th century, but he apparently blew it, because Kaoru came stumbling through.

Of course, Happosai stole Kaoru's underwear as well, never minding that he had summoned Kaoru from the Meiji Era. Sensing Kaoru's old and powerful soul, our resident Amazon ghoul came to the Tendou dojo and tried to bring Kaoru back with her to Joketsuzoku in China, a very ancient Amazon village.

Loathed on giving the ghoul anything that might benefit her, Ranma, Akane and Ryouga here acted on instinct. They kept Kaoru from being taken by Cologne.

Sano interrupts: Hey, you were talking to that ghoul a while ago, weren't you Jou-chan?

Nabiki: Jou-chan, he has interrupted me.

WHAM!

Kenshin gives a very soft "oro" while Sano lands facedown on the tabletop.

Nabiki's narration continues: Now where was I? Oh yes, Cologne. Cologne normally cannot be defeated in battle, even if she were up against three skilled martial artists. She's too wise, too experienced, and too good, but lo and behold, Kaoru-chan does her succession-whatchamacallit and defeats Cologne convincingly. Instead of giving Kaoru the kiss of death, Cologne, with her great grand daughter Shampoo become Kaoru's humble servants. Even Kaoru cannot explain how she beat Cologne, she just said she could. Cologne said it had something to do with Kaoru's ancient soul intensifying her "spiritual technique". Well, whatever the mumbo-jumbo is, Nodoka, Ranma's mother, took an instant liking to her. I think it's because they both practice budo. Nodoka adopted Kaoru until she could get back through the mirror. That didn't happen until four years later, when Happosai reappeared. In that four years, she became a fixture of Nerima, joined the chaos that Ranma envelopes about him like a shroud...

Ranma growled but kept quiet upon seeing Kaoru's bokken and Akane's mallet hovering.

...and went to college to get a physical education degree. I personally feel I had much to do with that because I provided her with the identity to exist and the fake high-school grades to get admitted to a university with a scholarship. 'Course, Kaoru had to threaten me with a Cologne-Shampoo-Muscle-Combo (they do whatever she says, which is how Ranma got out of his engagement with Shampoo eventually), but who am I to take it against her? I would have done the same. I am yet to convince Kaoru to join me on my quest as the conniving, calculating, moneymaking Ice Queen. After all, the best way to beat a foe is to get them to your side...

Kaoru sighs: Focus Nabiki!

Nabiki's narration continues: Aaanyway...she preferred to be a normal college kid, as far as Nerima's standards of normality goes, that is. Kaoru is an exceptional martial artist who could pull Ranma into a draw, if not to beat him completely, thus, Kuno-sempai's idiotic pursuit of her, aside from Akane and the pig-tailed girl, and Ryouga's "unconfused" thing for her.

Kaoru blinks: Eh?

Ryouga's jaw drops and notes with fear that Kenshin's eyes have gone slightly feral. Battousai peers at him with cold golden eyes before turning his attention back to Nabiki's story, at which time he got back his amethyst gaze.

Akane and Ranma noticed the amber eyes, looked at each other, and shuddered.

Nabiki: As I was saying, everybody loves Kaoru. Now let me digress. There is such a thing as a Jusenkio curses, existing as a cluster of springs. Each spring has a tragedy. Spring of drowned girl, drowned cat, drowned panda...you get the picture. Ranma obviously fell into the spring of drowned girl, so now he's cursed. Every time he gets wet with cold water, he turns into a girl. Hot water changes him back, but only until he gets doused with cold water again. You've seen the panda, then there's Shampoo who turns into a cat, Mouse, the Amazon male after her, turns into a duck, and probably a few more we don't know about. There are milieus of delightful Nannichuans out there with oodles of adorable drowned whatevers. Because Ranma wrecked the springs, no cure is currently available.

Ranma pouts quietly and grumbles confidentially to his wife: It ain't all my fault, you know!

Nabiki: Getting back to Kaoru, after four years in Nerima, Happosai cropped up again, and we got him to use the mirror to bring Kaoru back here. Akane and Ranma got this hair-brained idea about turning this trip into a honeymoon, being newly married and all, and for some reason, everyone just wanted to go with them...

Kaoru suddenly tapped Nabiki's shoulder with her bokken, giving the extortionist a deadly glare: You don't happen to know who spread the rumor that there was a cure for the curse here in the Meiji, do you? Because you know, if it wasn't for that rumor, the whole of Nerima wouldn't have really cared about a gosh-darn honeymoon, don't cha think? I suppose that kind of rumor could be pretty profitable, hmm?

Nabiki (obviously) feigned innocence: Well, whoever spread that rumor should be decked. I wonder myself who could be so irresponsible. Anyway, you all saw the fuss a while ago. The thing is, it seems that where Ranma or Kaoru go, the whole of Nerima follows. Thank goodness Kodachi, major psycho-bitch rhythmic-gymnastics-bimbo, isn't in on the parade this time. It was Kaoru's finest hour when she sent Kodachi to the loony bin. That's about it for now. Any questions?

End narration.

"Er...loony bin?" Kenshin asked, scratching his head.

"Kenshin, you idiot! Is that the only question you can think of?" Kaoru yelled, slamming her bokken on Kenshin's head.

"Orororororo!" he exclaimed, tumbling to his side in an absolute daze.

"Boy, this hitokiri sure could fake moronity really well," Ranma muttered aside.

Akane nodded. "No wonder he's so dangerous."

Sano heard their exchange and wanted to laugh to the highest heavens. He wondered briefly how they would react if he told them that Kenshin wasn't faking this one. He decided to let them think what they liked, figuring that they would catch on sooner or later. "Maa...Jou-chan," he said to placate her. "It's just too much at once."

It was not every day that Sano became the voice of reason, and it struck Kaoru dumb enough to let her irritation dissipate. "I guess it is..." she admitted.

Megumi had noticed Sano's flash of wisdom as well; thought it too weird to take the trouble to figure out an explanation, and contented herself with raising an inquisitive eyebrow at Kaoru.

Kaoru shrugged in return. "Beats me. I'm the one who's been gone for four years."

Kenshin recovered from his stupor and gave a groan as he sat up. "I think I better make dinner," he announced, staggering to his feet.

"He cooks too? Next thing you know he'll be doing the laundry," Ukyo said in disbelief. When the look on Kaoru's face told her that he did THAT as well, Ukyo shook her head in wonder. "I think I'm going to start 'oroing' as badly as he does. What have you been feeding him, sugar?" She asked Kaoru.

Yahiko sputtered in laughter and Kaoru gave him a deadly glare.

Yahiko grinned, shook his head and waved a hand. "Naa. Too easy."

Kenshin whipped up a dinner for seventeen. Though there were only eleven of them, Akane had warned him about Ranma and Genma's three-for-one appetites. Considering Sano had that same talent, he adjusted the portions just to make sure none of the women would be robbed of their share.

Dinner was nothing Kenshin had ever seen before.

The moment they all sat down to eat, Kaoru and Genma made a mad dash for their chopsticks and a mini-battle ensued. Genma tried to get as much food as he can while Kaoru defended the victuals valiantly. After several hundred attempts in rapid succession, Genma's plate was as empty as it was when he began his attack. Finally, Kaoru caught his chopsticks in hers, ending the match.

It was then that Nabiki distributed the proceeds of the bets.

It became normal after that, relatively. Genma still tried his luck, but this time, only on Ranma. The pig-tailed man preserved the honor of his plate while stuffing his face with godlike speed.

"Who will feed P-chan?" Akane asked, ignoring her husband and father-in-law in their confined chaos.

Ryouga stiffened at the question, which was noticed by Kenshin who wondered why, while Kaoru gave a smooth reply. "I will, just as soon as dinner is over."

"Come to think of it, I haven't seen the little porker in a while," Sano said.

There was a snap, and a red-faced Ryouga began to apologize through grit teeth. "I am sorry. I seemed to have forgotten my strength again," he said, holding the miserable pieces of his chopsticks.

Akane giggled. "You always do, Ryouga-kun."

Kaoru shook her head, thankful of Ryouga's restraint. "Have my chopsticks, Ryouga-kun. I'll get myself a new set. We don't want you getting lost on the way to the kitchen." She stood up, disappearing behind the partitions.

Ryouga stared blankly at her retreating figure. "She...gave me her set...because she didn't want me to get lost..." He said with a dreamy expression on his face.

Everyone looked at him as the words escaped him. Even Ranma and Genma stopped their food duel to stare.

"Yahoo..." Nabiki said sarcastically. There was little doubt about it now. He had acted the same way with Akane, and Kaoru was probably just as clueless.

Nabiki wasn't the only one who was able to put two and two together. They all figured it out somehow, and Ranma, the only one who knew all about it, uttered an expletive about Ryouga's less-than-superior brain-to-mouth connection.

Kenshin tried for rurouni innocence through his grit teeth. Why, the little sneak...

Kaoru reappeared, taking her place on the dinner table. She was completely unaware of what had occurred, and her oblivion prompted all of them to continue with dinner.

After dinner, Kaoru assigned the rooms before turning to the task of washing the dishes.

"Ranma and Akane, you can take the guestroom at the end of the hallway," she said. "Nabiki and Ukyo, you'll be sharing my room with me, and Yahiko, you'll be accommodating Genma and Ryouga-kun."

"Er..." Ryouga began uncomfortably. "Forgive me for being prissy, but Genma...the way he snores...it will keep me awake all night. If it's all the same to you, Kaoru-chan, I'd rather camp out in your front yard. It's really no problem for me."

Kaoru frowned. "Ryouga, don't be silly! I'll allow no one to sleep outside when there's a perfectly good roof to shelter everyone!"

Ranma grinned. "And what if it rains, oiker?"

Ryouga glared at him, his fists clenching. "Saotome...I swear one of these days..."

"Kaoru-dono and Ranma-dono are right, if I may say so," Kenshin said, his rurouni smile brighter than ever. "It would not do. If Genma-dono bothers you, you could share a room with this unworthy one."

For some reason, Ranma began to sputter in laughter while Ryouga visibly paled. Akane and Ukyo smothered a giggle.

"This should be interesting," Nabiki muttered, already bringing out her recorder. Where to hide it...

Ryouga had little choice in the matter. "O-Of course, Kenshin-sama. I would be honored to be your roommate."

Kenshin nodded, still smiling, but Nabiki could have sworn she saw a hint of glittering gold in Battousai's eyes. Very interesting indeed.

Kenshin washed the dishes and Kaoru dried them.

The steady pattern of soap, rinse and dry gave Kenshin much opportunity to observe Kaoru intently.

Alright, she hasn't changed back into her kimono. She's still in that skimpy ensemble and she's completely comfortable in it!

He asked himself why her clothing was such an issue. Misao dressed that way all the time, and somehow, Kaoru's get up was still more conservative than the Oniwabanshu's Okashira.

You know the difference. His head thrummed. Misao's a sixteen-year-old weasel-girl. Kaoru's a nineteen--no, a twenty-three year old, rather well developed, woman of grace...most of the time. Well, the fact is, she's more graceful than Misao...oro...anybody's more graceful than Misao. Aaanyway! The bottom line being, those short pants look a heck of a lot better on Kaoru than they ever will on weasel-girl.

Apart from her wardrobe and hairstyle, something else had changed in her. The childish eyes were gone, replaced with wisdom and maturity. She certainly did not look old. Her face hadn't a single wrinkle and her body was at the height of its...well, suppleness, but he could feel that her aura was more weighted. Not burdened, but experienced. She manifested it in her gait. Whereas before she had radiated a certain naïve confidence, now she had self-possession and an air of being completely aware of her surroundings. She had grown.

At least that kind of solves the age problem. "Oro!" he exclaimed softly.

"Something wrong, Kenshin?" she asked with a somewhat weary smile.

Startled out of his reverie, he tried to give a casual reply. "I-I'm fine."

She nodded a bit, then she spoke again. "Kenshin, do you any of you realize that I've been gone for four years and that I've missed you all so terribly?" She asked, her eyes watering in spite of the chuckle that escaped her.

Kenshin stared at her. How could he be...such a jerk? He suddenly felt horrible that none of them had thought about how she must be coping. "K-Kaoru-dono...a thousand apologies! We didn't think...this unworthy one..."

Kaoru waved a hand to forestall his apologies. "It's alright, Kenshin. It's not your fault. To you and the others, I was only gone for a few seconds. It's..."

Kenshin turned and caught her hand in a soapy and dripping wet grasp. He noted with distaste that some soapsuds had splattered to her shoes in his idiotic pursuit to ease her hurt. Kyoto...that date after Shishio...add this to the list, why don't cha. "I am so very sorry. The time does not matter, Kaoru-dono. When you disappeared into that mirror, those five seconds you were gone petrified me. I was so afraid that something bad had happen to you and that I'd never get you back. When you reappeared, I was so happy that I just wanted to hold you to make sure you were safe, but then all those others started pouring into the yard. It was absolute chaos, and suddenly this unworthy one's worries seemed so trivial."

Kaoru choked on a sob and a chuckle. She threw her arms around his neck and he had to remind himself to breathe.

Kenshin blinked, not quite sure how to react. In a moment, he returned her embrace with his own, the soapsuds ruining her blouse.

They stood silently together for quite some time until Kaoru finally decided to pull away from him.

Sniffling, she let out a laugh. "Sorry, Kenshin, but I did miss all of you. I imagine that the rest of Edo will be getting the same dose as well. I'm just glad I got that out of my system."

"Do you feel better now, Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin asked.

Kaoru smiled, wiping tears from her face. "Much. Thank you."

Kenshin smiled back and affectionately bumped Kaoru's shoulder with his own. "How about we go out tomorrow to revisit the places you've missed the most?"

"I'd like that, Kenshin! We can even ask Sano and Yahiko to come!" She exclaimed.

"Of course. What a wonderful idea!" He replied. Can't believe she wants the freeloader and the kid-samurai to tag along. I can't believe I "sort of" asked her out on a date. I can't believe she didn't get the hint!

I can't believe he "sort of" asked me out on a date. I can't believe he agreed to bring along the rooster head and the brat. I can't believe I even suggested it! Kaoru didn't know whether she wanted to laugh, cry, or hit herself.

"We have to sneak out though, or else the whole of Nerima will follow," she told him as she arranged the plates neatly on the rack.

"O-Of course." Sneak out?

"Honestly, since Nerima, I haven't had a moment's peace," she said with a sigh. "I couldn't even take a bath without someone walking in on me."

At this, Kenshin blushed and his eyes glowed amber.

Kaoru chuckled. She's never seen Battousai embarrassed before. She decided to tease, just to see where it got her. "Worse thing is, I didn't have a storage room to punish offenders with," she said to remind him of the time HE had walked in on her bath.

This eliminated the blush immediately but kept the glow of gold. "There were MEN who walked in on you?!?"

Oops! "Er...Ryouga--"

"Ryouga..." he growled beneath his breath.

"I punished him, of course," Kaoru said hastily. Then I had a long talk with Kasumi the last couple of times it happened again. The eldest Tendou daughter had a tendency to trick people, particularly those of the opposite sex, into bathroom scenarios. "Painfully," she added.

Battousai disappeared and Kensin came back

Kaoru endeavored to steer the subject to calmer waters. "Then of course, there's Nabiki bugging the entire house with her recorders...Genma and Soun trying to eavesdrop all the time...Ranma's fiancées trying to defeat me because they thought I was a threat...then Kuno..."

"Ryouga is special, yes?" Kenshin suddenly asked without meeting eyes with her.

Kaoru wondered briefly where the question came from, then she gave a shrug. "I guess he is. He's one of my best friends over there. It wasn't always like that. At the beginning, I really hated him. I thought he was an absolute pervert. It began with this cute little pig Akane had around the house. The pig was adorable, and when Akane wasn't around, it was my pet."

"P-chan?" Kenshin guessed.

Kaoru nodded. "Exactly."

I thought that bandana looked suspicious.

Kaoru continued with her story. ""One day, I decided to take P-chan to the bath with me. After a hard fight, I finally managed to shove him into the furo. Well, you could imagine what happened after that. I was so angry I beat the hell out of him. I told him I would tell Akane, but as luck would have it, Akane gets kidnapped that very night by some weird demon. We all went on the mission to save her, and it was on that mission Ryouga saved my life. Actually, he saved me from being drenched by water from remnants of the Spring of Drowned Man. I was indebted to him, but all he asked from me was that I not tell Akane about his curse. Regretfully, I had to agree, so I've never told Akane, and eventually, Ryouga and I stopped fighting. I don't know how, but we became friends."

He wanted to ask if she knew Ryouga wanted to be more than friends but their privacy was interrupted by Nabiki dragging in a very battered Kuno who was tied hand and foot.

"Oh, sweet Kamiya Kaoru. Thy beauty doth relinquish my soul of the suffering hither Ice-Queen hath dealt upon my corporeal self! I see in thine heart the purity and virtue that doth find this a corruption upon my wonderful body! Hearken to have me released, so that we may come together in this blessed night of ancient glory!" Kuno rambled with a swollen eye.

He talks funny, thought Kenshin without the least bit of amusement. Where does this fool get off proclaiming himself to Kaoru like some sort of lunatic?

"Kuno, you can't stay here," Kaoru said flatly.

Kenshin flashed a brilliantly innocent smile. Well, that's one consolation.

Nabiki snickered. "Kuno baby, I told you to let me do the talking, but you just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you?"

"How could I bear my peace when heaven hast sent me a blessing in Kamiya Kaoru's stead?" He continued. "With Akane succumbing to that vile Saotome in marriage and my pig-tailed goddess nowhere to be found, it is a sign from the stars that fate has brought me to this raven-haired vision of sublimity. Come, Kamiya Kaoru! Let us date!"

Kenshin gave him an amber-eyed glare. What is it with these Nerima men? He had completely missed the fact that the absence of Battousai in Nerima had increased Kaoru's stats in the suitor area. "Kamiya Kaoru isn't the least bit available you blubbering moron," Battousai muttered.

Nabiki and Kaoru raised a questioning eyebrow at the declaration.

"Not available?" Kaoru asked, her heart fluttering a bit. "Since when was I not available? Are you going to pull a Whitney-Houston-Kenvin-Constner Bodyguard thingie on me?" She had seen the movie, thought it terrible at the time, and shuddered at the less-than-Oscar-winning performance, but right now, it was suddenly the most romantic movie in the world. She knew her bodyguard wouldn't understand what it meant, which is why she had been so bold to say it in the first place.

Kenshin hadn't the slightest idea what a whitney-whachamacallit-bodyguard-thingie was, but he had understood the words that preceded it. Chikuso! Did I just say she wasn't available OUT LOUD?

Kuno, being the ignorance-is-bliss type, was not fazed. "Ah! My destiny has come forth! To battle the great Hitokiri Battousai for the hand of Kamiya-san! I challenge -- "

Nabiki cupped a hand on Kuno's mouth. "Come on, Tacchi, you're staying in the woodshed, unless you want to lose your head, ne? Come on now."

Nabiki dragged him out with a severely miffed Battousai watching them. "Who the hell does he think he is?" He muttered under his breath.

Kaoru gently placed her hand on his shoulder and tiptoed to whisper in his ear. "The only thing dangerous about him is his ego, and his stupidity. You just have to get used to him, that's all."

The rurouni came bounding back into his senses. He didn't know what surprised him more: The physical contact of her hand, or the tingling brush of her breath on his ear. He gulped. Get a grip, Himura!

Kaoru realized that her four-years-ago self would never have done such a thing, but pop culture can really get to a person. She blushed at her lapse and stepped back.

"Er...Nerima seems to be a breeding ground for..." Kenshin began, searching his brain for a polite word.

"Weirdos?" Kaoru supplemented. "Yeah. They crawl out of the woodwork. You don't know half of it, but I'd be glad to tell you all about it one of these days. It's pretty entertaining."

Kenshin could hardly wait.

They finished washing the dishes and were soon heading to their respective rooms.

"Goodnight, Kenshin," she said, taking his hand to squeeze it warmly.

"Goodnight, Kaoru-dono," he replied, squeezing back.

The shoji doors slid shut.

To be continued...

4. Chapter Three: Rurouni vs. Battousai vs....

I am so sorry that this is taking forever, but I can only hope that this so-called grueling saga is entertaining enough to bear. Like I said, I am totally after the laughs. A reviewer requested that the Kenshin-gumi get some airtime. This chapter begins it with Kenshin. Don't you worry, Sano, Yahiko and Megumi are up next. I will be laying the foundation for that in the following chapter.

Sadly, no matter how hard I try, I cannot keep my stories short. It's some sort of a curse for me, like Ryouga's tendency to get lost (A curse I actually share with him. I stink at directions. Ask anybody.).

Standard disclaimers apply. "Rurouni Kenshin" (c) Watsuki Nobuhiro, Shuiesha, Shounen Jump, and Sony. I do not own RK, pray as I might, every night, it just wouldn't happen that way. No matter how many candles I light, no matter how many chickens I decapitate...

Pig-Boy Romances Tanuki-chan

By anna-neko

Chapter Three: Rurouni vs. Battousai vs. Bacon-breath (Weirdest Face-off Ever in the Meiji)

Kenshin entered his room and discovered Ryouga standing in the corner, staring at the wall and scratching his head.

Kenshin stayed where he was for several seconds without saying a word, as if trying to figure the oddity out. This boy is just too weird for my Kaoru-dono, he thought with disapproval.

He had never thought himself worthy of Kaoru's pure soul. He considered himself too stained, too guilty, but he wasn't about to give her away to some idiot either. Nobody is worthy of her, was his next irrational thought. Therefore, she will never marry and she will become an old maid...there was something utterly wrong about his reflections, he realized with an inward groan.

"I could've sworn..." Ryouga muttered, looking from side to side in wonder.

Kenshin continued to observe him, his mind forming systematic thoughts. Ryouga had managed to deceive Kaoru before in the most horrible way possible. To be her and Akane's pet-pig! Of course the girls would fall for his cute-animal charms! Girls like cute things.

He was fairly certain that Kaoru had dealt the proper punishment when she found out. Brutality is one of her many unique quirks. Sometimes he could have done without it, admittedly, but she wouldn't be Kaoru if she didn't beat people up. Hmph! I ought to beat him to a pulp anyway.

He couldn't get it out of his head that sometime, somehow, in the past, the pig had been admitted into either Akane's or Kaoru's room, especially Kaoru's room. At least Akane had Ranma to protect her most of the time, but Kaoru had to protect herself. Ryouga could have...seen things he wasn't supposed to see. Just for that, Kenshin considered whipping up some butadon a la yellow bandana.

Kenshin could feel his gaze turning Hitokiri that very moment.

But Battousai, he did save her life, particularly her womanhood. Kaoru has enough...femininity issues to come to terms with. If she had to deal with turning into a boy whenever she got wet, she'd probably pop that proverbial vein in her forehead. Okay, just for that, I'm not going to make him tomorrow's lunch.

The rurouni returned quite serenely, but the Hitokiri was stubborn.

The sneak didn't waste any time though. He probably tried to make moves on Kaoru the moment her inherent kindness and sense of righteousness kicked in. I imagine she couldn't stay mad for long, after having beaten the crap out of him and with him saving her from that horrible Nannichuan...argh! Son-of-a-

Maa...maa...so far, he has comported himself like a true gentleman. Imbecilic, and perhaps short of temper with Saotome Ranma, but the girls seem to like teasing him, which could very well mean that he lets them do so without them having to fear his wrath, or even his disdain. The idiot...putty in women's hands.

You know, you keep calling him an idiot, but in case you've forgotten, you haven't exactly been a genius in Kaoru101. And speaking of putty, when it comes to Kaoru, you aren't exactly made of firmer stuff.

Kenshin frowned at his own musings. One thing about Battousai was that he could spew out the vilest thoughts that the rurouni can only hope to manage.

So what am I suppose to do? Threaten him to stay away from Kaoru?

Bad idea. Kaoru likes Ryouga after all. She would never stand for such a thing. Besides, bullying was never to my taste.

"Ryouga, what are you doing?" Kenshin asked as politely as he could. It occurred to him that Ryouga didn't get an honorific tagged to his name. An idiot after my Kaoru-dono doesn't deserve to get one from ME.

Ryouga whirled around to face him, his expression a mixture of relief, embarrassment and a little dread. "K-Kenshin-sama! Umm...I was just...er, trying to find the futon." He hastily made for the mattress as soon as he said it.

Kenshin squinted at him in confusion. Of all the oddball things...Kenshin-SAMA he says? Well, not such an idiot after all, is he? A slight smirk filtered its way to Kenshin's lips, and there was nothing rurouni about it. "I have no doubt that I heard you right, Ryouga," he said, preparing for bed. "After all that's happened, I think my standards for strangeness have considerably altered. However, I would like to know more about it. How can you not find your futon in a relatively small room like this?"

"It's a curse," Ryouga began, slipping beneath the blankets.

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed. How many curses can one person have?

"I get lost very easily," Ryouga continued shamefacedly. "I usually get used to a room after I get lost in it once, but it's about the only amount of space I can handle. It's...very stressful."

"Ah. Hence the lost boy comments, I see," Kenshin responded, changing into his robe. "It's a good thing you found my room."

"Well, Ranma helped," Ryouga replied in a matter of fact tone.

Kenshin had meant it as a joke, and he was somewhat flustered that Ryouga hadn't. "How lost can you get, if you don't mind me asking?"

Ryouga wrinkled his nose then gave a sniff. That maneuver lasted only about a couple of seconds. He hated talking about any of his curses, but he wasn't about to snub the Bakumatsu's greatest assassin. "Put it this way. If I go to the bathroom now, I could be in China the next day."

"Ah...I see..."

"The only reason I haven't wandered off this time is because Ranma's been kinda looking out for me," Ryouga explained, putting his hands behind his head like a pillow. He gave an inward wince. He supposed Ranma's "Not that way, oinker, this way!" was better than nothing.

Kenshin raised an eyebrow. Ryouga was turning out to be stranger than he thought. Perhaps it's wise to...know the enemy?

Shame on you Battousai! The war ended a decade ago! Ryouga's just a poor, moronic boy who turns into a pig! Give him a break!

Might I remind you about Bacon-breath being in a room of a certain cute kendo instructor?

Oro! Interrogate the mother-fu...!

Ryouga was getting a bit nervous. Was he seeing things, or were Kenshin's eyes flashing two different colors? One second his amethyst pools were speckled with tints of amber, the next second it would be the other way around. He didn't know lighting could do that...

"Your relationship with Ranma-dono confuses me, if you'll allow me to be frank," Kenshin started, settling himself on the futon. "You seem to hate him with a passion, but you can eat dinner with him, stay in the same house with him, and even laugh with him. I've never seen such congenial enemies in my entire life." An image of him, laughing with Saitoh, caused him to shudder.

Ryouga gave a little sigh. "It is complicated, and the fact is, I do consider Ranma more of a friend now than an enemy, but you saw how he could get my goat. We used to have to settle such things with a huge battle, chi-attacks and everything, but now we don't go that far anymore."

"Why did you hate him so much before?" Kenshin asked.

Long story...not going anywhere...Battousai. Check. Ryouga cleared his throat before continuing. "Basically it was a series of events, starting years ago, when I was in a boys' school with him. During lunch, there would be a mob of guys in the cafeteria clamoring for every piece of bread. For some reason, he always managed to get the piece I wanted. Do you have any idea how annoying that is?"

Kenshin thought about it, remembered Sano, and nodded.

"So you understand why I eventually got fed up with him. I challenged him to a fight, and when I got to the battle grounds, he wasn't there!"

Kenshin blinked in surprise. Somehow, it didn't mesh with Ranma's personality to run away from a fight. "Eh? He didn't show up?"

Ryouga turned a bit red. "Well, he said he did. Ranma wouldn't lie, but I sort of got lost...he said he got tired of waiting for me to show up. He still shouldn't have left though. It had only been three days!"

Kenshin kept his peace. He didn't even smile, but his brain was laughing almost on overload. Three days!?! Oh, this is too much! I don't even have to beat him in a fight! I'd just say "Look! Behind you!" and he would be in Yokohama faster than I can do an Amakakeru Ryu No Hirameki.

Maa...that's not nice...

Bacon-breath.

Carry on.

Ryouga continued with his story. "I was determined to get my revenge so I followed him, all the way to China and Jusenkio. When I was there he and his father...knocked me into a spring. By accident, he tells me."

"Spring of drowned pig?" Kenshin asked with a raised an eyebrow.

Ryouga's eyes widened. "How did you know?"

Kenshin flashed Ryouga a rurouni smile. "Kaoru-dono told me."

Ryouga went pale, inching away from Kenshin a bit. "D-did she tell you how she found out?"

"Yes."

Ryouga's heart stopped for a second before he began to blubber. "I swear! I didn't mean to --"

"Maa...maa..." Kenshin said in a quiet voice. I'll get you for it some other time. "We'll talk about that later. I want to know about you and Ranma-dono. Then what happened?"

Ryouga gulped and continued. "Well, after that, I really had to get revenge. Eventually, I found him in Nerima, living with the Tendous. He was arranged to marry Akane Tendou, so everyone thought they didn't love each other. I guess you know I became Akane's pet pig. She doesn't know I'm P-chan because the only ones who do are Ranma and Kaoru. I got Ranma to swear not to tell her in exchange for the dishonor he unwittingly dealt me in the past. I guess you know how I got Kaoru to hush it. Eventually, I fell in love with Akane and I hated Ranma for the times he would hurt Akane by calling her names and insulting her cooking. I was determined to get Akane out of that engagement so she and I could get married, but then it turns out they were in love. Everyone was just too blind to see it. Ranma's other fiancées wrecked the first wedding ceremony. I was kinda there to help in the destruction. They didn't get married, and a year later, Kaoru arrived. She put a lot of things in perspective. She got Cologne and Shampoo to drop the engagement Shampoo had with Ranma. Then after a while, Kaoru got Ukyo to drop the engagement as well. To this day, no one knows how she did it. Kodachi was packed off to the crazy-house, where she belongs after Kaoru got her to crack during a Martial Arts Gymnastics tournament. With all the other fiancées out of the way, it became easier for Ranma and Akane to admit their feelings. They got married soon after and I saw no point to fighting Ranma if Akane loved him. I guess I just do the 'Die Saotome' thing out of habit. Besides, I've sort of...met someone."

Kenshin raised an eyebrow and slipped under his sheets calmly. "The story on how Ranma-dono acquired four fiancées will have to wait, it seems. But I'll say this: You and the rest of Nerima must have led fascinating lives. As for Kaoru-dono, it does not surprise me that she got rid of all those fiancées for Ranma-dono. She is the kindest soul in all of Japan, and she makes a habit out of helping people, even if it means risking her life. I think that is why this unworthy loves her, and that is why I think you love her too, Ryouga."

Ryouga froze, looking at him with panic. Oh, those horrible feral eyes!

Kenshin managed a small and mysterious smile. "The Hitokiri Battousai won't kill you for loving the same woman he does. This unworthy one won't even kill you if she falls in love with you, but one thing, though...if you hurt her in any way, this unworthy one and Battousai will kill you. Slowly."

Ryouga gulped but continued to look at him. When one came from Nerima, one never took threats lightly. "I would never hurt Kaoru-chan," he said with a frown. The mere implication that he was capable of such a thing didn't jive with him.

Kenshin shrugged. "You never know," he said, thinking about Kyoto, and the way he almost lost her when he practically gave up in Rakuninmura. She had forgiven him, of course, which meant a lot to him. Amber became amethyst in an instant. "Well, her well being means everything to me. I am fairly certain that no one can love her more than I do, Bacon-breath-dono." He stopped at his own words. Did he just call Ryouga Bacon-breath-dono?

He did. Oh well...

"What?!?" Ryouga exclaimed, sitting up on his futon and curling a fist. "How dare you...! FYI, grandpa, I've known her longer than you have!"

Kenshin blinked. Wait a minute, that's true. Well, SO WHAT! "It doesn't matter. Kaoru-dono and I have gone through too much. It more than makes up for the time lapse. You only saved her life once. I've saved her life, what, dozens of times. And who are you calling grandpa, if you'll pardon me asking?"

Ryouga smirked amidst his inner turmoil. There was something vaguely familiar about all this. "You know, I'd fight you and all that, but I have respect for elders." He thought briefly how that wasn't true in Happosai's case, maybe even in Cologne's case, but hey, that didn't matter right now.

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed, rising from his futon as well, glaring menacingly. "I ought to teach you a lesson, you little porker, but that would be stooping to your pig-sty. I hardly even consider you a threat. Kaoru-dono has more sense than to fall for an idiot like you."

Ryouga growled. "Four years, grandpa. I've known her for four years. I know what she likes, I know what she hates. She loves french-fries, she loves to play basketball, and she likes R.E.M. Oh, wait a minute that's right, you don't know what those things are! My, my, my, isn't that an advantage over you..."

"Kaoru-dono has more depth than that, Bacon-breath-dono," Kenshin told him loftily. "I don't have to know all that to get her to love me. Here in the Meiji, we don't need all that junk to romance a woman."

"Feh! I'll show you..." Ryouga muttered, plopping down on his futon and pulling the sheets to his shoulders.

"You do that, Bacon-breath-dono," Kenshin returned, tucking himself into bed as well.

Ryouga lay with his back to Kenshin. "Stop calling me that!"

Kenshin faced the wall and grunted. "Oh, kiss mine, porker."

"Old geezer," Ryouga grumbled before complete silence fell over the room.

Nabiki suppressed an excited howl of laughter as she slid the headphones from off her ears. Oh, I just love battery-powered receivers!

Bacon-breath-dono? Old geezer? It was better than she thought! She didn't think it would go down so soon, but barely half-an-hour being alone in a room, Battousai and Pig-boy were at each other's throats already.

The profits! She couldn't believe she could start so soon!

A giggle of delight escaped her lips.

"Nabiki-chan, what's so funny?" Kaoru asked a bit drowsily from her futon.

Nabiki grinned. "Oh nothing. Just something I remembered. Go back to sleep."

Kaoru sighed sleepily and drifted off.

Nabiki hid her equipment and then snuggled into her bed. This will be her best racket yet.

To be continued...

5. Chapter Four: Nabiki Gets Down To Busin...

Author's Note: Hello minna! Thank you all for your reviews! I really didn't think anyone would care about my little story, but I'm glad you want to see what comes of this. I hope I haven't disgusted any of you with Kenshin's OOC-ness, but we all know that if I just let him keep "oroing", that wouldn't make him very interesting, ne?

Anyway, I hope you like this next chapter. I know it's taking long, but I just got all these ideas in my head that are clamoring to get out. Bear with me here. I promise there is a light at the end of this long and winding tunnel. There will probably be some WAFF in the end of this story, but I'll try to keep it funny. In the meantime, prepare for more chaos.

This chapter hopes to answer the request of one of my readers to show Kenshin kicking ass.

Lime in this chapter, but only a smattering of it. Crass words...well, that goes without saying when Sano and Ranma are abroad.

Standard disclaimers apply.

On with the story.

Chapter Four: Nabiki Gets Down to Business

"OHHHH RANMAAAA!" Came a shriek from the room at the end of the hallway.

Inside Kaoru's room, three women who loved their sleep buried their heads beneath their pillows to block out the sound, muttering curses by themselves.

"OH RANMA! YES! YES! YES!"

"OH AKANE! OH BABY!"

Kaoru, Nabiki and Ukyo rose from their beds like disturbed and extremely irritated zombies. They looked at each other grouchily. The noise continued, and it did not seem like it was going to stop any time soon.

"Might as well get up," Kaoru grumbled, throwing back her blankets.

Nabiki got out of her sheets as well, twice as grumbley. "Can't believe...wherever they go! Humping like rabbits! Couldn't even do it quietly. Shit!"

"Ran-chan no hentai," was all Ukyo kept saying under her breath as she kicked herself out of her futon.

Gathering their things amidst the tumult, they all made their way to the bathhouse.

Ukyo and Nabiki were surprised to find Kenshin firing the furnace.

Kenshin flashed a rurouni smile at them. "I prepared this bath for Kaoru-dono," he said, yelling a bit to be heard over the din. "But I can do the same for you two if you want."

"Arigato, Kenshin, that would be nice," Kaoru said as if it was the most normal thing to be served by Kenshin.

Ukyo and Nabiki raised their eyes in approval.

An hour later, all three ladies were bathed and freshly made up for the day.

Kenshin noted with inward gratitude that Kaoru had gone back to wearing a kimono. If she strutted around in her shorts again, he wouldn't be able to hold out.

Ukyo relieved Kenshin from the kitchen to cook the okonomiyaki patties she had prepared for the trip. She had brought enough to feed a battalion, just enough for a meal with Ranma, Genma, and possibly Sano.

Nabiki set out to earn some money, loath on burdening Kaoru with extra expenses on account of their arrival. She was not afraid to lose her way. Extortion talked the same no matter where they were.

While Kenshin and Kaoru helped Ukyo in the kitchen, Kaoru asked where Ryouga was.

"He went to the bathroom just before I got up and hadn't come back since, you see," Kenshin replied with an innocent smile.

"Oh no! You should have gone with him Kenshin! He could be half-way to Kyoto by now!" Kaoru said compassionately.

Good riddance, Kenshin thought before giving an even sunnier grin. "Oro! I don't think a man would appreciate having someone looking after him when summoned by the call of nature, Kaoru-dono. Ryouga will be fine."

Kaoru sighed and looked at Ukyo who merely shrugged in return.

"Maybe I'll put off looking for him after breakfast," Kaoru muttered.

By the time they finished breakfast, the whole house was awake, and Sano had arrived to do what he does best: Freeload.

Less Nabiki who said she'd be back a little past breakfast, they all sat down to eat. The chopstick battle between Kaoru and Genma ensued. Genma lost, but there was no Nabiki around to gather bets.

Towards the end of the meal, Kaoru and Ukyo set their glare at Ranma and Akane.

"You two woke us up this morning," Kaoru said a bit sternly.

"Oro!" Kenshin reacted, his cheeks flaming. He had been already about the dojo when he first heard the passionate screams, and he figured that Yahiko and Genma would be able to sleep right through it, but he supposed the three women had a harder time of it. He did not count on hearing Kaoru complain about it, though.

"Sorry," Akane muttered.

"Hey! Can we help it if we're good in bed?" Ranma argued.

Genma laughed heartily. "That's my boy!"

"Shut-up, pop."

Ukyo frowned at him. "Well, keep it down, will ya?"

"Yeah. People are trying to sleep," Kaoru pointed out. "And as much as you appreciate each other's sexual prowess...WE don't!"

Akane sighed, refilling her husband's plate with patties. "Ranma's right though. It can't be helped."

Ranma grinned at his wife and gave her a rated PG-13 look. "Yeah, especially when we do that thing..." he said, winking.

Akane giggled and nodded emphatically. "I know! That was breathtaking, love."

"You didn't sound like you were out of breath to me," Kaoru grumbled.

Sano laughed. "You'd understand them more if you were getting some, Jou-chan. Get my drift, Kenshin?" he said, nudging Kenshin with his elbow.

"Yuck!" Yahiko said with distaste.

Kenshin glared at the gangster. "Sano..." he warned.

Kaoru turned absolutely red in the face.

Sano grinned evilly.

"Well, don't blame me if Nabiki's in a bad mood," Kaoru said, trying to get past her discomfort at the sudden turn of the topic.

"Speaking of which, where's the money-grubber at?" Sano asked.

"She's out, earning money I think," Kaoru replied.

"Extorting so soon?" Ranma asked. "Boy, she really doesn't waste time, does she? She ought to get Kuno to marry her so she can milk him for every penny that rich idiot's got."

Karou gasped, suddenly remembering something. "Omigod! I forgot about Kuno! Shit!"

"What about him?" Akane inquired.

"He's in the woodshed! Tied hand and foot. The poor guy..." Kenshin replied, suppressing a smile.

Kaoru got up. "I have to set him free. It's not like he can harm anyone with his ranting."

"I'll go with you," Kenshin said, already getting up.

Kaoru remembered Kenshin's reactions the night before and thought of a safer recourse. "Stay here, Kenshin. Ucchan will go with me. Would you, Ukyo?"

"Sure honey. Be right back, people," Ukyo said, getting up.

They found Kuno in the woodshed leaning against a pile of wood with a ratty old mattress cushioning it.

"My love hath come to save me! No doubt free from the spell that Saotome Ranma, evil sorcerer of Nerima, has cast upon thee!" Kuno began to rave.

"Well, this was mighty considerate of Nabiki," Ukyo remarked, taking note of the old futon. "She must be getting soft."

Kaoru laughed at the idea. "Not a chance. Watch. Hey, Kuno!"

"Yes, my sweet raven beauty?" He responded.

"How much did this mattress cost you?" Kaoru asked.

"5000 yen," Kuno answered. "Oh, but a small price to pay to remain fresh and well-rested for thine eyes' viewing pleasure."

Ukyo whistled. "5000...Kuno-honey, you are too easy."

They proceeded to untie him and he sprang up on his feet the moment he was free.

Kaoru's bokken and Ukyo's spatula were out in a second.

"Touch me and we tie you up again, you hear?" Kaoru threatened.

Kuno halted whatever it was he was going to do and nodded mutely.

"Now come to breakfast with us," Kaoru told him sternly. "You must be starving. I know you missed dinner."

Ukyo shook her head. "And you, Kaoru-chan, are too nice."

"Oh, but such kindness can only be descended from heaven!" Kuno proclaimed. "My sweet --"

"Kuno, if you don't shut-up, I swear, I'll deck you to the next century," Kaoru said.

Kuno finally fell quiet.

They arrived at the dining hall and there was some food still left over.

"Sit," Kaoru ordered him like a dog.

Kuno did so just as obediently, eyeing Akane with his usual leer.

"What are you looking at, idiot-sempai?" Ranma demanded.

Kuno glared at Ranma as he clenched his fist. "You've forced the fair Akane to marry you and it has become my personal quest to --"

"Kuno..." Kaoru warned.

Ukyo shoved a bowl and chopsticks into Kuno's hands. "Just eat, hon."

After giving Ranma, Kenshin and Sano deadly looks, Kuno finally fell to eating.

"Poor guy's famished," Ukyo whispered to Kaoru, watching Kuno gobble down the remaining food as quickly as he spewed Shakespearean verses.

"I know," Kaoru replied.

So intense was Kuno's enthusiasm for breakfast that he knocked over a glass of water and, of course, splashed Ranma.

The red-headed girl sprung to her feet. "Kuno, you moron!" she screeched.

Yahiko shook his head. "Man! That was freaky!"

Sano nodded. "Totally."

"It gets freakier," Akane told them.

"My pig-tailed goddess!" Kuno cried happily, dropping his bowl and chopsticks. "Oh, how doth evade mine eyes for so long? Thou has but traversed my dreams and reveries, until now! My love has but strengthened in thine absence."

"Eeeeeeeewwwwww!" Sano and Yahiko cried in unison above Kenshin's "Oro!"

"Whatsamatter? Never seen boy love before?" Ukyo asked them, grinning.

Ranma-chan let loose a flying kick that sent Kuno careening into the yard, unconscious. "For your information, Ucchan, it isn't boy love. At this moment, I happen to be a very attractive woman," she said with a very unfeminine pose as she flexed her muscles.

"Cut it out, Ranma," Akane told her. "We all know you got better boobs than all of us, so could you please just quit bragging?"

"Speak for yourself," Nabiki said, appearing at the door laden with groceries. "I think my boobs are better than Ranma's."

Kenshin and Yahiko blushed to the roots of their hairs.

"Mine has a special Nabiki lift to it," Nabiki said, angling her shoulder a bit seductively.

"Well, that's because you're wearing support," Ranma pointed out.

"You guys!" Kaoru said in a pleading tone. "Could you not? You're embarrassing the boys!"

Sano leaned back on the wall with a grin. "I don't mind, and I personally think Nabiki's tits are best."

"Sano!" gasped Kenshin, Yahiko and Kaoru in shock.

Nabiki took it in stride, dumping the groceries to the floor. "You're sweet and all, Sano, but you couldn't afford me," she said bluntly, pulling at a long chord, at the end of which was Ryouga in a robe.

"Well, well, well," Ranma said, laughing. "Look who decided to join us? Let me guess. Took a piss and never came back?"

Kenshin laughed as well. "Quite so."

Ryouga glared at both Ranma and Kenshin. He was about to say something when a loud crash followed by a rain of debris invaded their senses. They all coughed and sputtered, discussions forgotten.

Kaoru didn't even need to see who it was. "Oh, Shampoo!" she cried in distress, eyeing the hole in the wall sadly.

"Nihao, Ancient One! Shampoo come to talk to airen!" Said the purple-haired Amazon. She smiled cutely in her red Chinese dress, slit thigh-high at the sides. She held a bonbori in each of her hands.

"Orororo!" ensued from Kenshin, wondering how much more he can take.

"What the heck is that?" Sano asked, his eyes growing wide with wonder.

Genma leaned towards Sano. "That, my boy, is a Shampoo. Chinese Amazon warrior."

"Shampoo, what did we talk about?" Kaoru asked her as if to remind her of something.

Shampoo nodded eagerly and grinned, settling herself down on the floor and showing a scandalous amount of legs. "Shampoo not forget, Ancient One. Ranma no Shampoo's airen anymore, but airen-name quite stuck. Just habit, yes?"

Akane somewhat glared at her. "Well, un-habit it."

Shampoo sighed, sincerely apologetic. "Shampoo been trying, but Shampoo call someone 'airen' for years. No get used to anything but that. Shampoo need new airen."

"What about Mousse?" Ukyo suggested kindly.

Shampoo gave an adorable frown. "Duck-boy not even option. He no beat Shampoo even if try thousand years."

"That's true, you know," Ranma-chan said in all honesty and arrogance. He prided himself of the fact that he was one of the select few who could actually beat Shampoo in a fight. He failed to remember that it was the reason he got so horribly engaged to her in the first place.

Akane elbowed her, knowing the way her husband thought.

"Mousse only good for one thing: Peking-duck three ways!" Shampoo said with a giggle.

The whole Nerima-gumi laughed with her.

Realizing that her Meiji family was at a loss, Kaoru introduced them to Shampoo.

When she got to Kenshin, Shampoo immediately let loose a delighted gush. "Oooh! You Ancient One's airen, yes?"

Kenshin could only guess through earlier conversations that "airen" meant something more than "just friends." This conclusion was confirmed with the way Ryouga glowered visibly.

Kaoru gave an audible sniff. "Not quite," she said.

Ranma hooted. "Hear that, Ryouga? Not quite!"

Ryouga turned beet-red right after. Kenshin turned even redder.

"See that?" Yahiko whispered to Sano. "Now that's pathetic. Two pathetic love-idiots."

Akane and Ukyo elbowed Ranma at the same time.

Shampoo gave an impish smile then changed the subject. "Anyway, Shampoo no here to create trouble. Shampoo here to tell you that when Airen-gumi go to find cure, be sure let me know. Shampoo help."

Everyone fidgeted a bit at her words.

"Er...Shampoo, honey," Ukyo began delicately. "There is no cure here. That was just some rumor."

Shampoo's cheerful seeming disappeared, then she gave a resigned sigh. "Shampoo thought so. Too good to be true. Actually expect nothing, but still disappointing to hear."

"You know, you're a bunch of idiots," Nabiki said in an irritated tone. "Do any of you realize that we went back in time?"

They all stared at her blankly. Duh!

Nabiki gave an exasperated sigh. "Hello! The springs shouldn't be destroyed yet!"

Realization dawned on all of their faces.

"Oh...my...GOD! Nabiki, you're right!" Ranma-chan shrieked.

Chaos fell upon the room with everyone talking all at once.

Kaoru looked at Nabiki who shrugged and made a gesture.

"Be my guest," Nabiki told her, knowing they were thinking of the same thing.

Kaoru raised her hands. "People! People!"

No one paid attention to her.

"ALRIGHT EVERYBODY JUST SHUT-UP!" Kaoru yelled.

The room fell silent.

Kaoru took a deep breath and nodded. "As I was saying...how do you intend to go to China? We aren't exactly rolling in money, you know. These days, it's pretty expensive to get a boat to leave the country."

There was a deathly quiet.

Nabiki cleared her throat. "Seeing as you're all morons, it's safe to assume that I am the only one capable of getting us to China, but it's going to cost all of those who want to go."

"How much, Nabiki?" Akane asked her quietly.

"The Nerima-gumi can pay me when we get back home," Nabiki replied. "How does Fifteen Thousand Yen each sound?"

"Are you crazy?" Ranma exploded. "You already own my soul! How are Akane and I going to pay for that?"

"And how about me? I couldn't afford something like that even if I worked my entire life!" Ryouga exclaimed, slumping to the floor.

Akane scratched her head. "Er...why would you want to go to China, Ryouga-kun? It's not like you really have to go."

Kenshin leaned forward on the table and gave a grin. He had no intention of spilling any beans. Though nothing bound him to keep quiet, the only one who had a real right to squeal was the pig himself. He was more interested in seeing how Ryouga was going to get out of this fix.

Ryouga began to sweat. "Umm...there might...err..." He whimpers a bit before continuing. "A cure for my curse..."

Kaoru and Ranma's eyes widened. Was he actually going to say...?

"Eh? What curse?" Akane asked, her eyebrows knotting.

Ryouga swallowed. He couldn't. He couldn't do it! "My direction curse."

Kenshin shrugged at Kaoru and Ranma whose shoulders have slumped in disappointment.

Akane looked thoughtful. "Oh, right. I forgot. Anyway, Nabiki, your price is too high. If we were in Nerima, it doesn't take that much to ride a boat."

Ryouga winced. Great, now she'll expect me to go looking for some kind of monk or something.

Nabiki jerked an eyebrow and looked at her nails. "True. But we're not in Nerima. Think of it as In-Season Prices. Tell you what. I'll do this for the three of you for Ten Thousand Yen, but when we get back to Nerima, you must do everything I tell you to do for a whole month."

Ranma could already envision lewd photos of him/her, and/or/with Akane, because they had no choice but to pose for Nabiki. That wasn't even the worse of it. "No way!" she cried vehemently. "Akane and I ain't doing it! Go get your porn material somewhere else!"

Ryouga groaned. "And how about me? You know I couldn't keep a job even if I wanted to."

"Take it or leave it, Ryouga," Nabiki said. Her tone could have formed ice-crystals in the middle of summer. "And if you do take it, you'll have to deal with a 10% interest rate per month on late payments. That goes for you and Ranma as well, sis."

"Ho-ly inflation, Batman..." Ukyo said in English.

"Vampire Bat, to be exact," Akane said with a glare. "Big sister, how could you?"

Nabiki rolled her eyes around. "PU-LEEZ! Big-sister? You can do better than that, lil sis. Anyway, the deal will stand. It's just a matter of wanting to go or wanting to stay. You know the terms. Just let me know if you wish to take on these terms. For those whom I assume are willing and able to pay me, I will collect your payments as soon as we get back to Nerima. Any more questions worth my time?"

"Kaoru-dono, what will Nabiki-dono charge us for going, if I may ask?" Kenshin asked with a frown. He didn't even know if they were going, but Kaoru might want to go with them because it would be like her to help her friends. If that were the case, then no force on earth would stop him from going with them. Catch me letting Bacon-breath having her all to himself. I don't think so!

Sano raised an eyebrow. He didn't want to go to a place where a bunch of crazy people could knock him into a cursed spring. Heaven for-fend he'd fall into the spring of drowned girl. Oh, the horror! On the other hand, maybe they could pass by that Amazon village they had talked about. Amazon equals lots and lots of women, tough ones at that, but if any of them looked half as good as Shampoo..."I'm sure we can come to a reasonable arrangement with Nabiki," he said.

"Right..." Kaoru said. One thing came to mind: Freeloading Zanza. "Ahem Nabiki, I used up the last of my Yen to pay for that thing we agreed you'd do for me. For a certain someone who would be licking my boots, so to speak?"

Nabiki's eyes turned Yen. Antiques were some of her favorite hauls. "I haven't forgotten Kaoru-chan. Seeing as you guys don't really have to go, perhaps an heirloom or two of Kaoru's would do for all four of you."

Kaoru rolled her eyes around in turn. "How very magnanimous of you, Nabiki."

Nabiki affected modesty. "Oh you know me, behind the hard exterior..."

"Is a hard and cold interior," Ranma supplemented.

"Oh, you know. I do my best," Nabiki said with a wink.

"Well, Shampoo rather go to great-grandmother first before feed self to vulture," said the pretty Chinese woman as she got to her feet. "Shampoo go now. Mousse and great-grandmother be along shortly. Tell them I no want see them. Great-grandmother want Shampoo marry Mousse, and Shampoo say Duck-boy can go to hell. Thanks, Ancient One. See you!"

Shampoo leapt out with inhuman height, jumping over rooftops in a matter of seconds.

Sano crawled towards the hole and peered out to watch her disappearing figure. "Wow! What a babe!"

Everyone stared at him in surprise.

Yahiko raised an eyebrow. "Sano, can you say 'Fox-Lady'?"

Kaoru muffled a laugh upon seeing Sano's sour scowl.

"What about her?" Snapped the ex-gangster.

Yahiko grinned. "Oh, so you don't mind me telling her that you were drooling over an amazon with fabulous legs?"

"Hey!" Sano yelled, then realizing that he had reacted a little bit too much, he calmed down and affected nonchalance. "Go ahead. It's not like it matters, you know."

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed. Can you say 'Pain from the Fox-Lady'?

"You might be way in over your head, boy," Genma muttered. "If you want to get Shampoo, you have to beat her in battle first."

Sano scoffed. "Feh! I ain't going to fight a girl."

An infinite number of eras and I have to be stuck in the one where Ranma's ilk exists, Akane thought with derision.

Ukyo grinned. "You're gonna have to, honey. It's amazon law."

"And she's really good with those bonbori too," Ranma told him.

Sano crossed his arms over his chest stubbornly. "I don't care. I ain't fighting her. Feh! The idea! Who ever heard of having to fight for a date?"

Everyone looked at Akane and Ranma.

"What!?" They exclaimed in unison.

At that very moment, Cologne came bounding through the hole in the wall with a very tall, longhaired man who wore very thick glasses.

"Shampoo!" The man exclaimed, giving Kaoru an amazon glomp.

Kenshin and Ryouga tensed but held back, processing his mistake in identity.

"Mousse, you moron! It's me, Kaoru!" She cried, resisting with a grunt.

Upon hearing Kaoru's voice, Mousse sprang away in embarrassment. "I-I'm sorry, Ancient One! I thought..."

"You must forgive my idiot potential son-in-law, Ancient One," Cologne muttered, balancing on her stick.

Mousse blinked behind his spectacles.

"I see my great-granddaughter's been here," Cologne said, observing the diameter of the hole. "Where did she head off to, Ancient One?"

Yahiko doubled over in laughter. "A hag talking to another hag!"

Ranma began to laugh with him.

A bokken did away with Yahiko and Ranma got the stick from Cologne.

"You will respect the Ancient soul of Kamiya Kaoru, former son-in-law," Cologne said, then she turned her attention to Yahiko whose eyes were spinning quite nicely. "And you, I restrain myself only because your soul is ancient as well, but you must heed those older than you, so I suggest you respect your sensei."

"Shampoo does not wish to see you," Kaoru said without batting an eyelash. "She doesn't like it that you're pressuring her to marry Mousse. Frankly, I'm at a loss. Mousse hasn't beaten Shampoo in battle. Why should she marry him?"

Sano winced upon realizing that beating Shampoo meant marrying her. Hmph! Another reason not to fight her!

The Nerima-gumi squirmed uncomfortably. They still had not quite gotten used to seeing Cologne being bossed around, especially by Kaoru.

Cologne sighed. "Ancient One, you have a valid point, but hear out an aging great-grandmother. Your word with the elders of Joketsuzoku released Shampoo honorably from her obligations to obtain former son-in-law as her husband. For that, Shampoo and I are eternally grateful, but I would like to see my great-granddaughter married, if only for the sake of heirs, and although she is officially honorable, none of the men of the tribe, except Mousse here, is willing to challenge her because former son-in-law has refused her. The truth is, I encourage Mousse simply because he is the only one willing."

Mousse blushed and lowered his head. "Even if my most hated enemy Saotome Ranma has tarnished her reputation, I will always love Shampoo."

"Dooormaaat..." Sano said in a soft sing-song voice.

Kaoru shook her head. "Well, my advice is, let Mousse do his own fighting, or you will lose your great-granddaughter's regard. Surely your relationship with her is worth more than any man, Cologne. You're an amazon, for goodness sake! You of all people should know that men are only good for servitude and bedding.

"OI!" exclaimed all the men in protest, especially Kenshin who thought that the "servitude" part struck a little too close to home.

Kaoru ignored them. "Men are sex objects. Replaceable."

"OI!"

Cologne nodded sagely. "As usual, you make sense, Ancient One. I will consider your words. In the meantime, Duck-boy, you're on your own."

"Wha -- "

"Thank you, Ancient One! Goodbye!" Cologne said as she pogoed off over the rooftops.

Mousse fell to his knees is utter desolation. "What have you done, Ancient One?"

Kaoru shook her head sympathetically and knelt down to face him. "No offense, Du -- er, Mousse, but do you honestly think that Shampoo will have you if you don't beat her in battle? Even with Cologne's endorsement, Shampoo will kill you first before she marries someone who could not defeat her. Now, my advice to you is practice, understand?"

Mousse nodded forlornly. "You are right, Ancient One, as always."

Kaoru grinned. "As always. Now, are you hungry? I'm sure Ucchan will be glad to whip up some more of her delicious okonomiyaki for you."

Ukyo grinned and got to her feet. "Of course, Ancient One."

"Thank you," Mousse said in a dejected voice.

"Umm...Kaoru-chan," Ryouga piped.

"Yes, Ryouga-kun?"

"Did you mean those things you said to Cologne about men...?"

Kaoru, Akane and Nabiki burst out in laughter.

"Well, what do you think, Ryouga-kun?" Kaoru asked, winking at him mischievously.

Oro! She's so cute when she does that! Kenshin thought as he stared at her.

Ryouga blushed painfully. "Give me a break, Kaoru-chan. You were never easy to read."

Kaoru smiled fondly. "Ryouga, you're so silly sometimes! When have I ever been the wham-bam-thankyou-ma'am type? Of course I didn't mean it! I just said that to get Shampoo and Cologne back to speaking terms. You know I could not stand to see families torn by ridiculous pursuits."

"Amen to that," Ranma said.

Nabiki dug into her bag of tricks and pulled out a small pouch filled with a glittery powder. Ah, my best weapon yet, the truth. Nothing works better than a pinch of Truth Spice from Nerima's local witches, Shampoo and Cologne. It didn't take much to extract a lifetime supply from them: A little persuasion, a little smile, and a whole bunch of blackmail. Mr. Recorder does it all.

She took out a second pouch containing some pills.

Snickering to herself, she put her drugs into her pocket. There was the little matter of Yahiko to take care of before she worked on the China boat ride. Then of course there was the Kenshin-Kaoru-Ryouga love triangle. She couldn't wait to get started on that.

Well, first thing's first. Gotta earn my keep. She checked her watch. She was right on schedule. It's about that time...

She headed straight for the kitchen, passing several tableaux before she got there.

First of all was Kuno. He was still unconscious on the ground. Nobody bothered to move him, probably because he's better off passed out.

Ranma, now male, and Genma were at each other on the front yard, fighting over the koi pond, as usual. They just had to train over a koi pond. She considered stopping to make bets, but no one was watching them, so she gave up that idea.

Akane was nearby, taking pointers from Sano on how to do the Futae No Kiwami. They were practicing on clay blocks. Several of them, in fact, were already littered around their perimeter.

Kaoru was watching Yahiko doing five hundred swings. No doubt, the little brat had managed to call her hag or ugly. Ukyo stood watching them, her spatula swung over her shoulder.

Kenshin was doing the laundry.

I must know how Kaoru gets him to do all these things. Nabiki thought with a shake of her head. How Kaoru got Kenshin to do housework was no big deal. Money could make anybody do that, but for someone to do all of it for free? That was different. Pity there are no wandering samurai in Nerima.

Ryouga was nowhere to be found, which was expected. He'll be along soon. In fact, she was expecting him right about...now.

"WHERE THE HELL AM I???" Came the resounding scream from a distance.

Bingo!

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed, stumbling on his butt in surprise.

Everyone else stopped what they were doing.

"Alright, whose turn is it to get him?" Akane asked wearily.

Nabiki smirked to herself. She already knew the answer to that.

Kaoru sighed. "It's my turn," she replied, giving her bokken to Ukyo.

Kenshin got to his feet and wiped his hands on his apron. "Let me accompany you, Kaoru-dono. Bac--er, Ryouga sounded like he came from pretty far away."

Kaoru grinned. "Sure Kenshin, but keep up."

In a split second, Kaoru had leapt to a nearby tree, springing from its branch to land on the roof of her house.

Kenshin managed another one of his favorite exclamations before following her path, apron and all.

I ought to put out a bet on how many times Kenshin says that ridiculous word in a day. Well, now for the first step. Nabiki went straight to the kitchen and pulled out the lemons she had bought from the market that morning. She proceeded to make lemon juice, preparing a glass for each person in the yard. Setting aside one glass, she took a pouch from her pocket and placed a pinch of the powder into the lemonade. She stuffed her supply of Truth Spice back into her pocket and went to the door.

"Hey! Yahiko! Get over here!" Nabiki called to the boy who had collapsed on the grass in exhaustion.

Yahiko looked up from his resting-place, frowning in annoyance. But with Kaoru's angry face telling him to do 500 swings still fresh in his memory, he thought it best to be polite to guests. Struggling to his feet, he heeded Nabiki's summons.

That's right, come to mama. Nabiki thought in delight.

"What can I do for you, Nabiki-san?" Yahiko asked her tiredly.

"Oh, I was just hoping you could help me with this tray of lemonade," Nabiki explained to him. "But my, you look pooped! Here, have a drink."

Seeing the cool freshness of the yellow beverage, Yahiko found his smile and eagerly took the glass from her. "Arigato, Nabiki-san!"

Nabiki watched wordlessly as Yahiko gulped the glass dry. Too easy.

"Ah! That was delish, Nabiki-san. May I have more?" Yahiko asked.

"Sure, Yahiko-kun," Nabiki replied, doing her best imitation of Kasumi, her domestic, pleasantly sunny sister. She spiked another glass with her slight of hand and gave it to Yahiko.

"You know," Yahiko began, holding the drink tentatively. "You're not all that bad, for an conniving, ice-laced, extortionist."

Hmm...how quickly it takes effect. Better get Mr. Recorder working. She flipped the switch inside her coat.

"Hey! Lemme have some of that!" Someone suddenly said, grabbing the glass straight from Yahiko's hand and gulping down its contents.

It was Sano, and Nabiki had to do everything in her power not to panic.

Shit! Loud-mouth rooster-head! Alright Nabiki-baby, calm down. This can be a good thing, right? Just keep both of 'em in the kitchen.

"Hey!" Yahiko complained. "Big-boobed Nabiki gave that to me!"

The little lecher. Oh well. Comes with the territory.

"Oh, shut your trap, Yahiko-chan. There's still a whole tray of it," Sano said, proceeding to drink down the other glasses.

Yahiko turned red and curled a fist. "Don't call me chan! Why do you all call me chan anyway? I'm not a kid anymore. Do any of you realize it hurts me when you treat me like that? I hate it! I just hate it!"

"Jeez! Get a grip, Yahiko," Sano said, staring at him. "You're not the only one with problems around here. Do you realize how stressful it is to pretend coming down with some sort of malady just so I can get the good doctor to check on me? It's hell! Sometimes, Megumi's so busy that it has to be Dr. Genzai who takes over. Do you realize how irritating that is?"

"Shut up, you freeloader!" Yahiko yelled, tears forming in his eyes. "That's all you ever care about! Yourself! You eat off Kaoru's income every freaking day of the year! She doesn't say anything, because she's the kindest soul in the face of Japan."

Oh, how sweet, so perfectly sweet. Keep it coming, Yahiko-chan. Nabiki thought with a feral smile.

Yahiko stomped his foot like the eleven year old that he was. "It's really hard to keep being the brat I am! I have to call her all sorts of names just so I don't get all mushy on her, but she's the sister I never had! I love her for being the big sister I need!"

Better and better! And I haven't even asked any questions yet!

Sano laughed his head off at Yahiko's declaration. "Aw, aren't you the sweetest little boy? Big Sis Kaoru's Li'l Bro! Well, I don't know about you, but I used to think Kaoru was a really hot chick."

A match made in hell: Kaoru, the control freak and Sano, the existential lazy-ass bum.

Yahiko blinked in surprise. "Wha--?"

"Yep. Totally cute, even if she can't cook worth a shit." Sano rattled off. "But then Megumi came along, and man-o-man! I forgot Jou-chan in a second! Kenshin can have Jou-chan for all I care. Megumi's like, a major sizzler." He turned to Nabiki quite casually. "I still think your rack's great and all, but it's different with Megumi. No offense."

"None taken," Nabiki said immediately. In fact, I'm having the time of my life.

"You know what, Sanosuke," Yahiko said with a flushed face. "You and your line of women! Kaoru would have never even considered you as anything more than a useless bum! And I can't even begin to tell you about what Megumi thinks of you. At least I make myself handy. Tsubame-chan thinks I'm cute and she's going to be my wife some day. Of course, I won't be surprised if I convince Megumi-chan when I'm older that I'm better than you."

"Oh, is that right?" Sano said sarcastically. "You and Megumi, now? Are you out of your mind? Megumi's at least thirteen years older than you! Besides, she'd be married to me by that time."

Nabiki could not help but interject. "I didn't know you proposed to her, Sano."

Sano frowned. "I haven't. I'm just taking my time, that's all. She wouldn't say no to me."

Yahiko went into maniacal laughter. "Oh man! You're just as chicken as Kenshin! You're even worst because you're already a rooster-head, chicken!"

Now for the kill. Nabiki thought with a smirk. "Yahiko-chan, I know you're pretty young and all that, but when Tsubame-chan and you are old enough to, ahem, have a relationship, what are you and her going to do together?"

"That's easy..."

After Nabiki administered the next set of drugs she had on her, she called the Nerima-gumi for help. She said that Sano and Yahiko had passed out in the kitchen, probably from the heat. The poor victims will remember almost nothing from the kitchen episode, at least, nothing about each other. There would, however, be a faint memory of having said words they would not have said under normal circumstances, and Mr. Recorder would help refresh that memory. The beauty of the second drug was that the Truth Spice would have worn off by the time they woke up.

She smiled to herself as Yahiko and Sano were brought to one of the bedrooms to recover.

"Ryouga, you idiot! Not that way! This way!" Kaoru cried, seeing Ryouga wandering a bit off course.

Kenshin contained his snort of derision. It's been five times since they recovered Ryouga that he turned in the wrong direction. It put a strain in their travel time over the rooftops, and Kenshin considered suggesting that they just use the regular way to get back to the dojo: Walking in the street.

Ryouga blushed but nodded, correcting his mistake instantly.

Kenshin's patience was running thin. Apart from the fact that Kaoru had to constantly grab Ryouga's hand to keep from straying, Kenshin felt utterly ridiculous clutching an apron in his fist. The worse part of it was, it had been Ryouga who had pointed out that he was wearing one.

"What's up with the apron, Ms. Martha Stuart?" Ryouga had asked him earlier.

Kenshin hadn't the slightest idea who Martha Stuart was, but Ryouga's sneer and Kaoru's giggle was enough to trigger very unholy thoughts.

"Kaoru-chan, there's something in your hair," Ryouga said, plucking a dry leaf from Kaoru's head as they moved.

Kaoru smiled at him in thanks.

SLASH! THRUST! Kenshin imagined, lapping off Ryouga's hand and ramming his sakabatou right through the porker's ass in his mind.

Tsk, tsk! So blood thirsty.

"That'll do, pig," Kenshin whispered to Ryouga with a growl.

Ryouga's fist clenched and he gave the samurai a murderous glare. "Bite me, Martha," he grumbled in return.

"Boys," Kaoru called to them over her shoulder having completely missed the exchange.

"Yes?" Kenshin and Ryouga chimed, smiles suddenly pasted on their lips.

"The dojo's up ahead," she said, pointing in the direction of the familiar roof. "Don't get lost now, Ryouga-kun."

"That's right, Ryouga-kun. Don't get lost," Kenshin seconded.

Ryouga made a supreme effort not to blow up. "Himura..."

They arrived at the dojo immediately after, landing on the front yard where Genma had just fallen into the koi pond to emerge as a panda.

"Welcome back, people," Akane said to them with a grin. "Was it difficult finding Ryouga?"

"Not really," Kaoru replied. "It was easy to spot him with the people avoiding him and all."

There was a groan somewhere from the yard and they saw Kuno coming out of his coma.

"Hearken. My agony doth overcome me," Kuno said with a wince, slowly rising from the grass.

"Can't he say 'ouch' like a normal person?" Ranma muttered.

"If he did I'd say you hit him too hard," Kaoru said with a chuckle.

Kuno staggered to his feet and fell a couple more times before he managed to get up completely. Clutching his head, he made his way gingerly to the porch. "I think it best to recover before mine quest to pursue my heart's desires is continued. I grow weary at this moment's time."

"Translation: He's getting too old for this," Ukyo said, grinning.

A scream pierced the calm of the yard.

"Pervert! Pervert!" Genma's sign said.

"PERVERRRRT!" Akane shrieked in horror, staring wide-eyed at the tiny old man attached to her chest.

Ranma glowered and his eyes turned white in complete rage. His breathing went absolutely ragged. "Hap...po...SAIIIIII!!!" He yelled, charging forward and knocking Kenshin out of the way.

"Ororororo!" Kenshin exclaimed, flying in the direction of a tree. Damn! He's even stronger than Sano! Ordinarily, Kenshin would just let himself go splat during such a skirmish. God knows how many times he had gone crashing to a wall when Kaoru dealt him one of her Knuckle-to-Kenshin specials. Even now, he felt out of sorts using his skill to preserve himself from Ranma's unintentional hit, but Ryouga was staring, and he'd be damned if he let Pig-boy see him flat on his face. Clipping his legs together, he flipped, planted his feet on the tree and pushed up to make a graceful landing on the ground.

He smirked at the disappointment in Ryouga's eyes.

Meanwhile, chaos had taken on a whole new meaning.

Ranma made a dive for Happosai but missed when the old pervert sprung off Akane, dragging her bra with him. Ranma's hands became firmly attached to Akane's breasts.

Akane turned a very deep shade of red. "Pervert! Not here!"

Ranma didn't even apologize, being so consumed with wrath. "Happosai! Get back here!" He shouted, leaping after the old man all around the yard.

"Ranma, don't be such a moron!" Akane cried.

"I'm trying, dammit!" Ranma shouted back.

"Can't catch me!" Happosai shrieked in delight, altering the direction of his flight. "More pretties!" He made a bee-line for Kaoru, Ukyo and Nabiki.

Kuno appeared behind the women and took all three of them in his arms. "I, Kuno Tatewaki will protect -- oof!" He henceforth crumpled to the ground, clutching at his nuts. "Oh! My jewels be defiled!" he squeaked in a high pitched voice.

Ooh! That's gotta hurt, thought Kenshin, wondering who among the three had dealt the killing blow considering they were all equally capable of such a thing.

Nabiki scampered off while Kaoru and Ukyo took up their weapons to face Happosai.

Ryouga acted on instinct. "DIE HAPPOSAI!" he hollered, promptly uprooting a tree and swinging it at the old man.

Happosai ducked at the swing, momentarily distracted, but nevertheless driven by the same goals. "Ohoho! Gotta do better than that to keep me from my pretties!"

Kenshin only took a moment to be awe-stricken by the display of such strength. In a matter of seconds, Happosai made straight for Kaoru. "Let me hold you, Kaoru-chan!"

Kenshin's eyes widened. His uneven temper from the search for Ryouga, combined with the thought that this creature, this lecher, was going to touch his Kaoru in an unthinkably impermissible way, sent the blood rushing to his head. Battousai came bounding out of his skin, and his hand immediately grasped the hilt of his sword.

There was a flash, a slight gust of wind, then time almost seemed like it stood still.

Kenshin was in front of Kaoru with his back to her, poised in a completed Amakakeru Ryuu no Hirameki, and then there was Happosai, falling to the ground in an unconscious heap.

Happosai's body dropped to the grass, the imprint of Kenshin's sword running a diagonal line from shoulder to hip. He was not moving, and his eyes were closed. Kenshin stood over his body and flicked his blade before re-sheathing his sword. He stood still, surveying his work.

"Umm..." Kaoru began, stunned by what had happened.

The Nerima-gumi, even Ryouga, stared in astonished awe.

"A-Awesome..." Ranma breathed, his anger for Happosai gone. "How the hell did you do that?"

Kenshin looked up and startled everyone with his golden eyes. "Amakakeru Ryuu no Hirameki. He was going to touch Kaoru. Nobody touches Kaoru without her consent."

"Er...you were very clear on that point," Nabiki said.

"Holy..." whispered Ryouga. "Is Happi alive?"

"Unfortunately," Kenshin replied, turning to Kaoru with his amber gaze.

"Kenshin uses a reversed edge sword because...well, just because," Kaoru explained, loathed on telling them such personal things about Kenshin. "Happi's just really knocked out." She tried to smile at Kenshin who was staring at her just a little too much.

"Wow," Akane said, wondering why anyone would carry a reversed edge sword in the first place, least of all the former Hitokiri.

Kaoru blushed at the less-than-wholesome feelings Kenshin's expression was creating in her. "You alright, Kenshin?"

"Yes," he replied with a low murmur.

"Alright, show's over! Time to get back to work," Nabiki said, pushing past Kaoru and shoving her right into Kenshin's arms. She was a monstrously miffed that the fight had been too fast for her to call bets, and she just wanted to get back to her tasks to forget about it.

"Oh my!" Kaoru exclaimed as Kenshin caught her.

"Are you alright, Kaoru...dono?" Kenshin asked in his Battousai drawl.

"Kenshin..."

"You have to tell me how you did that!" Ryouga suddenly cried a bit frantically. Battousai and Kaoru were just a little too comfortable for his tastes, and even if it meant he'd be at the receiving end of an Amekaka Ryuu no Hikaremi (or whatever it was called), he was going to break up the coziness. "That was amazing! Incredible..."

"Not for anyone else to learn," Battousai muttered. "Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu stops with me, and I'm certainly not going to tell you how I did it, Pig-boy."

Kenshin walked away from all of them, leaving a bunch of astonished people at his wake.

Pig-boy? Everyone thought. What the hell...?

Ryouga glowered. "Why you..."

Ranma hit Ryouga upside his head with a thwack.

Ryouga whirled around angrily to face Ranma. "What'd you do that for?" he demanded.

"Trust me, porker," Ranma told him. "You don't wanna mess with that one."

They watched Kaoru ran after Kenshin as he disappeared into the kitchen.

Sano cracked his eyes open and felt his head thrumming like a Japanese drum. He groaned and rolled over on his futon. Damn! Drank too much again! Wonder where I got the money for that.

His arm encountered a body beside him. Crap! Who's the girl this time?

He looked, and his eyes widened. It was the sleeping form of Yahiko.

"Holy mother of God!" Sano exclaimed, feeling a sick sob rising in his throat. "What have I done?" He could think of an endless line of people who would kill him if he...if he...Kaoru and Kenshin would be the least of it. There was Dr. Genzai, Tae, possibly Tsubame, then there was Megumi. "Nooooooo!!!"

"Calm down!" A voice in the room said.

Sano's eyes swerved to the figure sitting at the corner of the room. The short brown hair and big boobs registered in his brain. "N-Nabiki! Oh no. Not you too!"

Nabiki peered at him curiously. She'd been wondering what the ex-gangster was fussing about. She was confused, and she didn't like being confused. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What did I do? What did I do?" Sano demanded from her, going to his hands and knees in shame at the mere thought that he might have...

Realization registered in Nabiki's perceptive mind. She crossed her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow. "You pervert. You haven't done anything. You and Yahiko passed out in the kitchen after training under the sun for too long. We let you sleep it off. Now that I think about it, I certainly hope you don't have the pedophilic tendencies to even think it possible that you did things to the poor boy beside you."

Sano was too relieved to be offended. "Oh thank God...it's just that when you're under the influence, you never know, you know?"

Boy, do I know. Nabiki gave a smirk. "Whatever. I didn't come here to talk to you about things like that. I came here to see if you're willing to try your luck at making a bit of money."

Sano settled on the edge of the futon and calmed himself. Money would be good. "Do I have to work?"

"Course not. I would never let you do such a terrible thing," Nabiki said with a grin. "Word has it that you're a betting man, Sanosuke."

"Well, yeah. So?"

"So, would you like to make a wager on a certain red-headed samurai?" Nabiki asked. "I win, I get your bet. You win, I'll quadruple your bet."

Sano raised an eyebrow. A bet on Kenshin? He didn't like the sound of it, but the money would be good, and whatever the bet is, it's not like he would ever bet against his friend. "What's this about?"

"A love triangle," Nabiki simply said. She brought out her pocket cassette player and pressed the play button.

"Oro! I ought to teach you a lesson, you little porker, but that would be stooping to your pig-sty. I hardly even consider you a threat. Kaoru-dono has more sense than to fall for an idiot like you."

"Four years, grandpa. I've known her for four years. I know what she likes, I know what she hates. She loves french-fries, she loves to play basketball, and she likes R.E.M. Oh, wait a minute that's right, you don't know what those things are! My, my, my, isn't that an advantage over you..."

"Kaoru-dono has more depth than that, Bacon-breath-dono. I don't have to know all that to get her to love me. Here in the Meiji, we don't need all that junk to romance a woman."

"Feh! I'll show you..."

"You do that, Bacon-breath-dono,"

"Stop calling me that!"

"Oh, kiss mine, porker."

"Old geezer."

Nabiki switched it off and watched with sheer amusement at the wonder on Sano's face.

"Was that just...? How did you...?" Sano stammered. That other voice had to be Ryouga. He had heard Ranma referring to the eternally lost boy as a pig every so often, and he was somewhat surprised that Kenshin had taken to name-calling as well. And for goodness sake! How did Nabiki get their voices in a tiny box?

"Just a little technology from the future," Nabiki said as if to reply to his thoughts. "And yes, that was Kenshin and Ryouga. They're fighting over your precious Jou-chan."

Sano glared at no one in particular. "Why that idiot!"

Nabiki chuckled. "Which one?"

"Ryouga will never get Kaoru," Sano growled. "The fact of the matter is, Kaoru and Kenshin are in love. They've gone through too much for anyone to change those feelings. If you want a wager, I'm betting on Kenshin any day."

Nabiki gave a sage nod. "So I've heard, and I do believe that Kenshin and Kaoru do love each other. I've had too much experience with people denying their feelings to each other not to see it coming a mile away. However, that's not what the bet is going to be about."

"Eh? Call me stupid, but I'm at a loss," Sano said.

"Well, Stupid, the wager is about who will admit his feelings to Kaoru first." Nabiki eyed Sanosuke intently, waiting for him to react.

"Whoa. Hey," Sano responded, raising his hands up as if in surrender. "That's a different story altogether. You ain't seen Kenshin going all weak-kneed..."

"So you're betting on Ryouga?"

Sano blinked and regrouped. "Hell no! Kenshin will kill me if I did that. I'm betting on the samurai."

"An excellent choice. How much?"

"Well, I ain't got much, you know. I only got about fifty bits in my apartment."

Perfect! Those coins could bring in a fortune! Nabiki thought with anticipation. No matter what she did in the market, she couldn't get a handle on ancient currency. The merchants would only allow themselves to barter with goods. None were too lavish of their coffers. This would be the only opportunity to score for old money. Old money...I like the sound of that.

"Fifty bits it is!" Nabiki said, going over to him and shaking his hand. "Remember. Admitting feelings means the first one to say 'I love you', nothing more, nothing less. Got that?"

"Absolutely!"

"Good! Contrary to popular belief, the rooster-head isn't as dumb as everyone thinks."

"Hey!"

"Just kidding," Nabiki said, standing up. "He really is dumb."

She rushed out of the room before Sano could really throttle her. It was then that Sano realized what he had done. He had the sudden urge to hit himself. He just made a bet on who would admit their feelings to Kaoru first. He didn't know what was more stupid: Betting on Kenshin, or agreeing to make the bet, period.

Nabiki was excited. She was going to get those coins, no matter what it took, and she knew just how she was going to go about it. Of course, she must admit, Sanosuke walking into her truth session with Yahiko had offered her the opportunity to practically ensure that, but she believed that luck only presented itself to one perceptive enough to spot it.

Next on the list was to speak to Megumi. Working out a little deal with the wily doctor should be easy. It was that fact, after all, which would work to Nabiki's advantage.

Megumi would be along soon. Kaoru had sent for her the moment she found out about Yahiko and Sano's collapse. A sweet deal for the extortionist. Kind of like having food delivered to ones front door.

Megumi arrived just when Sano emerged from the room.

After assuring the doctor, none too gently, that he was fine, Megumi attended to the sleeping Yahiko. The examination didn't take long. Aside from lacking the technology to decipher that Yahiko had been lightly drugged, the boy's sleep seemed healthy enough for the doctor to conclude that there was really nothing to worry about.

"He's just exhausted," Megumi told all of them. "Tanuki-chan, you silly girl! What have you been doing to the child?"

Kaoru turned red in the face. "Nothing! At least, nothing unusual!" Guilt had obviously settled into her conscience. "Do you think I should have gone easy on him today, Kenshin?"

Kenshin smiled at her with his normal violet eyes. "It could not have been your fault, Kaoru-dono. It was just the heat of the sun. Sano passed out as well, didn't he?"

Sano muttered an expletive but didn't protest. It was embarrassing enough.

"Hey, maybe she should check on Happosai as well," Akane suggested, flicking a thumb in the direction of the old man whom no one had bothered to make comfortable in the corner of the room.

Ranma scoffed. "Pervert like that deserved more, if you ask me."

"Don't be mean, Ranma," Kaoru said.

Megumi nodded. "What everyone deserves is to be treated well for their wounds. Let me have a look at him...oh my! Ken-san, did you do this?"

Kenshin flushed deeply, frowning. "This unworthy one didn't mean to be so rough. It's just that he...Kaoru-dono..."

"He was going to touch Kaoru," Ranma explained, knowing exactly how it could be a cause for anger.

"I'm not even going to ask what you meant by 'touch'," Megumi said evenly, gingerly examining the unconscious old man. "It didn't have anything to do with that totaled tree up front, did it?"

"That's my fault," Ryouga said wearily. "I'll replant it later, Kaoru-chan."

"Thank you," Kaoru said in a bit of a huff. Ever since everyone came to Edo, she had been in constant dread of her home being destroyed. It was certainly a common occurrence to have ones home defiled when Ranma, Ryouga and Shampoo were about. To have all three of them nearby certainly put a damper on her feelings of peace.

Kenshin said nothing. The strength these Nerima people displayed was beyond anything he had ever seen, and as much as he hated to admit it, Ryouga was pretty impressive. Ranma was quite strong himself, hurtling people about without effort. And Kenshin would wager that he could take hits thrice as strong, but Ryouga had raw power. Kenshin had never seen a man uproot a tree with his bare hands. Ryouga had done so, like plucking a daisy for goodness sake! Sano can only hope to match that kind of strength.

"I think I'll take this one to the clinic," Megumi said, rising to her feet. "Shame on you for hurting an old man, Ken-san."

Kenshin wanted to sink through the floor, but the Nerima-gumi spoke in his defense.

"Oh, believe me, Megumi-san, Happosai so deserved it," Ranma said.

"Pervert had it coming," Ukyo added.

"I'd have hit him with a tree, you know," Ryouga put in magnanimously. "No one lays a hand on Kaoru."

"Growf!" said Genma. The words on his sign left nothing for any self-respecting person to read.

"Kenshin ought to have gotten a reward," Nabiki muttered.

Akane smiled. "Happosai has gotten worse, I think. He'd been imprisoned in a cave before, for years, so this is actually a pretty kind gesture."

Megumi didn't want to know why anybody deserved this kind of beating. The last few people who got it from Kenshin, which happened to be Hiko, Aoshi and Shogo, had done some weird things to earn it.

"I'll take him to the clinic with you," Nabiki offered, pushing Sano down with a shove. "I've been wanting to see this clinic of yours."

Everyone but Megumi raised an eyebrow. This was suspicious, but they all knew better than to get in the way of the ice-woman when she was taking care of business.

Nabiki grabbed Happosai by the collar and began to drag him out the door.

"Umm..." Megumi began, her eyebrows knotting in worry.

"Don't worry, he'll be fine," Nabiki told her as she closed the shoji doors behind them.

Still uncertain but unnerved by all the reluctant concern everyone had for the old man, Megumi took a hand full of Happosai's clothing to help with the cargo.

"So," Nabiki began. "What do people do around here in Edo to have fun?"

Megumi was surprised at the question. "If you knew the things the Kenshin-gumi have gone through, this peace and quiet is an absolute blast."

Nabiki chuckled. "My friend, I've met demons, voodoo priests, amazon witches, dangerous lunatics, huge monsters, and I live with a man who turns into a girl and a cat, depending on the circumstance. Trust me. There's more to life than just peace and quiet."

Megumi grinned. "Well, I haven't exactly encountered demons and amazon-witches."

The two-second silence was followed by a laugh from both women.

"You got a boyfriend, Megumi?" Nabiki suddenly asked. She had beat around the bush enough, by her standards.

Megumi tensed a bit before replying. "No. I don't have time for that sort of thing. I have patients to worry about."

My, how kindred. Nabiki thought momentarily. She was beginning to like this Megumi, and she's a doctor too, in this era! Where most women would be content to keep house, Megumi was out doing the go-girl thing all by herself. This plan of hers was going to work.

"What if you had complete control over that situation? The boyfriend situation, I mean. Where you can call all the shots and have absolute reign over a certain, ahem, rooster-head."

Megumi stared at Nabiki. Goodness! The girl is talking about Sano! How did she...? She supposed she shouldn't be surprised. After all, the girl from Nerima had shown enough of her conniving, cunning, ice-encased self for everyone to see that she was, well, conniving, cunning and ice-encased. She also knew that Nabiki did nothing for free, which brought her to the next question. "What's in it for you?" The moment the words were out of her mouth, she realized that she had failed to deny what Nabiki had implied, that she had something for Sano.

Nabiki grinned again. Megumi was not disappointing. "I need you to keep something for me. Hold it until you have to use it."

"And when will that be?" Megumi asked.

"If and when Kid-samurai insults Kaoru again." Nabiki replied. "I will show you how to use a tape player, and you will play it when the time comes, right in front of Tanuki-chan or Tsubame when Yahiko is present. But in no instance will you play it before that."

Megumi chuckled. "So, Kaoru put you up to this?"

Nabiki shrugged. "She paid for my services. I make good on my obligations, just as I expect you to make good on yours if you accept my offer."

"And what is your offer, pray tell?" Megumi asked.

Nabiki smiled. This is the best part. She took out a cassette player and pressed the start button. Sano's voice came laughing out of the tiny box.

"Aw, aren't you the sweetest little boy? Big Sis Kaoru's Li'l Bro! Well, I don't know about you, but I used to think Kaoru was a really hot chick."

"Wha--?"

"Yep. Totally cute, even if she can't cook worth a shit. But then Megumi came along, and man-o-man! I forgot Jou-chan in a second! Kenshin can have Jou-chan for all I care. Megumi's like, a major sizzler." There was a pause, then, "I still think your rack's great and all, but it's different with Megumi. No offense."

"None taken,"

"...she'd be married to me by that time."

"I didn't know you proposed to her, Sano."

"I haven't. I'm just taking my time, that's all. She wouldn't say no to me."

"Oh man! You're just as chicken as Kenshin! You're even worst because you're already a rooster-head, chicken!"

Nabiki switched off the player and watched Megumi turning a bright red. Whether it was from anger or something else, Nabiki did not know, but the extortionist knew that if there was any anger at all, it was directed at the rooster-head. "I'll give this to you, tape player and all, for you to use it as you see fit. I have no copies. Once I hand it over to you, it's all yours, but in exchange for this, you have to do what I ask you to."

Megumi's head was spinning. So, Sano was taking his time with her, huh? Wouldn't say no to him, huh? Dropped Kaoru when I came around...humph! She would let him know what pain was. She would play this thing in his face and she would see where it got her. Sano, prepare to meet your maker!

"Give it here, Nabiki-chan," Megumi said with strong resolve. "I'll have that Sanosuke groveling on my feet if it's the last thing I do, and I'll do that thing you're asking me to do in return. Truth be told, I think I got the better part of the deal."

Nabiki chuckled. "Oh, I'm willing to give way every once in a while."

Nabiki came back to the dojo and found everyone in various states of calm.

Akane and Ranma were lounging on the porch, arms around each other, probably plotting their next "bedroom spar" to rock the house with.

Sano and Genma were playing Go not too far away. Both were concentrating painfully on the board.

Sano must be an idiot on the game to sweat like that with Genma.

Ukyo was entertaining herself with Kuno, baiting him into saying the most absurd things.

Feh! So many idiots in one place. Speaking of idiots...

Ryouga was currently replanting the tree he had uprooted earlier. Kaoru and Kenshin were standing nearby, holding shovels. None of them looked too happy about it, but at least they weren't fighting. Well, not verbally. The looks Kenshin and Ryouga were throwing at each other could have ripped the tree to shreds if they put a little chi in it.

Nabiki approached the trio and smiled. "My, Greenpeace would be proud."

"Shut-up, Nabiki," Ryouga growled, somewhat struggling. Battle rush made lifting trees as easy as lifting his umbrella, but when he wasn't proclaiming anybody's death sentence, things just seemed to feel a wee bit heavier.

Kenshin flashed a rurouni smile that Nabiki and Ryouga had learned not to be fooled with.

"What brings you here, Ice-Queen?" Kaoru asked with a smirk.

Good ol' Kaoru. "Business. Can we talk for a sec?" Nabiki said to her.

Kaoru suppressed a chuckle as she turned from the tree planting and walked some distance with Nabiki. "What about?"

"You have nothing to worry about Yahiko's name calling anymore," Nabiki told her. "And if you play your cards right, he'll do anything you tell him to. You've virtually purchased yourself a slave, Kaoru-chan."

Kaoru was impressed. "Wow, Nabiki. That was fast. How did you do it?"

Nabiki gave her a smug smile. "You know better than to ask that. Anyway, if he ever disrespects you again, tell Megumi. She'll know what to do."

Kaoru was even more impressed. "You got Megumi working for you now?"

Nabiki cocked her head to the side. "I worked out a deal with her. Does that still surprise you?"

Kaoru scoffed in derision. "Hardly. I'll just say, 'Good work, Nabiki' and let everything play on itself."

'Play' is the operative word, baby, thought Nabiki in savage satisfaction. "That's all. You can go back to your men now."

"My men? Oh, those men," Kaoru said, rolling her eyes around at her two wanderers. "Goodness! How can life get any more pathetic?"

Nabiki chuckled. Kaoru didn't know what she was asking for.

"...I love Kaoru like a sister...after I hold Tsubame's hand, I would see if I could kiss her...that's what Sano said guys do to girls...I would give my life for Kaoru..."

It went on and on, and Yahiko could only grow paler at every word his voice was saying from the tiny silver box Nabiki held. He could see his macho image flashing before his very eyes. He couldn't exactly remember saying the words, but a faint flicker of memory reassured him that he had said them.

Finally, Nabiki switched off the box.

Yahiko got his bearings. "Give me that!" He demanded, making a grab for the box.

Nabiki yanked her cassette player out of reach. "Even if I give this to you, it wouldn't do you any good. Megumi has a copy of this. She will play it if she gets wind of anything disrespectful you do and say against Kaoru. As long as you're good, you'll be safe from the consequences of the tape."

Yahiko didn't know what a tape or a copy of a tape was, but if it could replicated things he had said...the horrors! He could see it now. Kaoru going all soft on him and thinking he was the sweetest little thing, Sano laughing at him for being such a chan, and Tsubame...she would never speak to him again! She would probably just blush and hide behind the counter worse than ever!

"I'll...I'll get you for this, Nabiki," Yahiko growled.

Nabiki ignored the threat and smiled. "Kaoru-chan asked me get you to respect her more. I told her I would do it, and this is how I'm doing it. Kaoru has not heard the tape, neither has Tsubame, but I have instructed Kaoru to go to Megumi if you ever disrespect her again. Megumi knows what to do if that instance ever occurs. Megumi will play it for Tsubame as well, so unless you want to keep that macho little image of yours intact, you must behave."

Behave? My life is over! Yahiko thought with utter despair.

Nabiki got to her feet to leave the room, laughing within herself. She wasn't feeling any guilt. Yahiko's confessions were not really as bad as he thought. They were just the ramblings of a cute little boy, but if it made him squirm, she was willing to use it. Anyway, if ever he does stray from the path of righteousness, so to speak, it's not like the recordings would destroy his life. For goodness sake, the worse thing he'd get was unbearable teasing. He may just wake up one day and decide that the things he had said isn't worth the good behavior. In the meantime, it would be used to get some manners into the tiny devil. Who knows, the boy might even come to like being polite.

Not!

Kenshin emerged from his room and began to walk down the stretch of the hallway. Dinner had been great. In spite of the fact that Ryouga had managed to strike a deal with Ukyo about financing his ride to China, Kenshin has basked under Kaoru's attentions.

He wondered briefly what he had done right. Kaoru had never been that attentive before, or had she? Maybe he had been too busy running around, chasing madmen to notice that she was attentive.

Kenshin gave a weary sigh. If only he was more worthy of her.

Something purple on the floor caught Kenshin's eye. It was situated in a corner, just before the hallway turned. He recognized it at once. It was Kaoru's ribbon. Dropped on the floor by accident, no doubt.

I will return it, and perhaps enjoy the appreciative look on her face. He remembered what it was like when he returned her ribbon from his fight with Jin-eh. The smile on her face had been his complete undoing. He had fallen for her when she attacked him, and he fell in deeper when she showed happiness at the symbolic gesture of the ribbon's return.

He bent down to pick it up and was thoroughly surprised when his head hit something hard with a bump.

"Oro!" He cried, falling on his behind.

"Wha--!" Someone else exclaimed, falling as well.

Kenshin looked up. It was Ryouga.

Both men blinked in wonder, then their eyes fell to the ribbon on the floor.

Oh, don't you dare, pig-boy! Kenshin thought as he met eyes with Ryouga again.

Ryouga glared at him.

"Yaaaahhhh!" Both men yelled, making a lunge for the doomed ribbon.

They fell upon it the same time, each grabbing a fist full of its velvety fabric.

Ryouga gave a somewhat restrained pull, afraid to tear it to shreds. "I...saw...it...first!"

"Said...who?" Kenshin growled with a grunt. "I'm giving it back to Kaoru-dono."

"Over my dead body!" Ryouga said in return. He grabbed Kenshin by the wrist and swung him to the wall.

"Oh no you don't, Bacon-breath-dono!" Kenshin responded, flipping in the air to get his feet to push him to safety.

The maneuver caused both men to stumble all over each other, rolling down the hallway in a ball of scratching and pulling.

"Aargh! Let go of my hair!" Kenshin said through grit teeth as Ryouga's hand accidentally caught a few locks of red in his fingers.

Ryouga grunted against the foot Kenshin had on his jaw. "Serves you right for wearing it so long you...you...pretty-boy-girlie-man..."

"Oh, you're going to get it, P-chan!" Kenshin swore. "Pork teriyaki sounds good right about now!"

RIIIIIP!

Both men fell away, crashing into their respective walls.

The sound of running feet soon pervaded the hallway.

Kaoru's voice rang out first. "What the hell is going on here?" She demanded, seeing the bent walls and a few wood chips to boot.

Kenshin and Ryouga's eyes were spinning and they each held a strip of velvet cloth in their hand.

The audience behind Kaoru stifled their laughter, realizing what had happened.

"M-My ribbon!" Kaoru exclaimed in disbelief. "My house! What did you...why did you...? You idiots!"

"I didn't do it!" Kenshin and Ryouga cried in unison. Then, "He did it!"

"MORONS!"

Kenshin and Ryouga spent the night in the woodshed.

Author's Note (Again): Thought that little ditty in the end would lighten up the drama. Like I said, don't worry that this is going to be very long. I'm not going to go into the whole China expedition thing. I just put it in to give Nabiki some action.

Next Chapter: Protecting Interests.

See what happens when Nabiki rubs off on everyone else.

6. Chapter Five: Protecting Interests

Author's Note: Hope you didn't fall asleep in the last chapter. Yeah, I know. Watching Nabiki work is tedious, but I can pretty much say that the things she did were necessary to the story's laughs. I have no idea how many chapters more this is going to take.

I know the Kenshin-gumi have been sort of pushed around by Nabiki, but it added to the comedy, ne? More action up next. Hope you like this one.

Standard disclaimers continue to apply. I haven't found my genie in a lamp yet. Kind of difficult looking through all this sand. So far, I've only found a discarded boot and some very offensive sand slush.

On with the story.

Chapter Five: Protecting Interests

Sano opened the woodshed door and discovered a very hostile atmosphere. First of all, there was Kuno, totally whacked out of the waking world, but it was obvious from the lumps on his head that it had nothing to do with beauty sleep.

Then there were Kenshin and Ryouga who sat on opposite corners, glaring at each other like a couple of bloodthirsty wolves in the shadows.

"Sleep well, ladies?" Sano asked them with a smirk.

Muttering to themselves, Kenshin and Ryouga headed for the door of the woodshed.

"I still maintain this is all your fault, Hibiki," Kenshin said, straightening his gi and hakama as he stepped out into the sunlit morning.

"Up yours, Himura!" Ryouga snapped.

"Good morning to the both of you," Sano said, a fishbone dangling from his mouth. "I trust your accommodations were satisfactory?"

"Can it, Sano," Ryouga said with a sigh.

"Can it what?" Sano asked with a puzzled frown.

Ryouga shook his head and walked ahead of them. "Never mind," he muttered. "I gotta go to the bathroom."

"Hey! Ranma said that if you had to go to the bathroom, you should inform him first so he can get you there," Sano called after him. "He said it's his turn to find you if you get lost and he isn't in the mood."

Kenshin snickered and Ryouga turned to give them an angry stare.

"Well, you can tell Saotome that he can P.M.S. some other time!" Ryouga shot back, whirling around to get back to his bathroom expedition. He henceforth turned in the wrong direction.

"What's a P.M.S.?" Sano asked Kenshin.

Kenshin shrugged and made a motion to head for the house.

Sano eyed Kenshin thoughtfully. Thinking about the bet he had made with Nabiki, it occurred to him that when money and friendship got together, he would stop at nothing to make things work his way.

"Hey, Kenshin," Sano said to him as they walked. "Before we get to Ukyo's breakfast, you and I, we gotta talk."

Kenshin gave him a suspicious look. "Sure, Sano. What about?"

"It's about you and Jou-chan," Sano replied calmly.

"What about me and Kaoru-dono?"

"Have you told her you love her?" Sano asked without batting an eyelash.

Kenshin almost choked in surprise. "Oro!" he sputtered, pulling the ex-gangster away from the shoji doors with a dread of being overheard. "I wouldn't dare do such a thing! My doing that would be enough to turn Kamiya Tetsuro in his grave! How can I dishonor his daughter by (ulp!) telling her I love her?"

Sano slapped Kenshin over the head. "Stupid," he hissed at his best friend.

"Hey!" Kenshin complained in bewilderment. It actually didn't hurt, but it was more of a gesture of disdain that felt more degrading than painful.

Sano continued. "First of all, the dead do not turn in their graves for anything..."

"Er, Sano I know that," Kenshin interjected, trying to figure out if Sano had gone completely bananas on him. "That was just an expres--"

"Silence!" Sano said, slamming his hand down on Kenshin's head yet again.

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed, rubbing his crown. "I swear if you do that again, Sano..."

"Second of all, Ryouga out there, who happens to be a very presentable, likable and pushover-to- the-girls young guy, is also an idiotic moron after the same woman as you," Sano went on without heeding Kenshin's threat. "Who knows what his boyish charms can do to Jou-chan if he tells her he loves her."

Kenshin pursed his lips and decided that the conversation was over. "You think too little of Jo--er, Kaoru-dono. She isn't a gushing, teenage girl. She will not fall for that so-called idiotic moron."

"And you take way too many things for granted," Sano told him as the rurouni began to walk away. He reached out and dealt Kenshin a slap for the third time, this time at the back of the head.

Kenshin stumbled forward a few steps before whirling around to glare at Sano with clenched fists. "Oro! I ought to carve you with your old weapon!"

"Third of all," Sano calmly continued. "If you aren't worthy of Kaoru, then nobody is. You hearing me, Kenshin?"

Kenshin's irritated glare softened. The topic of worthiness always put him in a bitter-sweet mood. "Sanosuke, while this unworthy one agrees with you that Hibiki Ryouga is no good for my Kaoru-dono, I believe I am not worthy of her either."

Sano frowned. "Listen to yourself! You can't even lie to save your ass! Your Kaoru-dono? Talk about slip of the tongue...yours just fell flat on its face!"

Kenshin took a deep and relaxing breath. He hates it when Sano was right. It was a reminder that all is not right with the world."I was thinking of taking Kaoru-dono sight-seeing today. It was suppose to be yesterday, but things got a little too exciting. She's actually been gone four years you know, and she wants to revisit Edo. She suggested inviting you and Yahiko to come with us."

Sano chuckled and clamped a hand of approval on Kenshin's shoulder. "Ooh! Sorry buddy, I can't go. Got things to do, places to be in. Maybe next time. Yahiko probably can't go with you either, so you'd better just skip the invitation with him. You understand, don't you, buddy?"

"Quite perfectly," Kenshin muttered, his heart going on overdrive at the mere thought that he and Kaoru would be alone together. Now he understood why Kaoru had mentioned Freeloader and Kid-samurai. It made things easier.

Well, time to grow up. He's been running away for more than ten years now, and frankly, it made him pretty sore that it took a Pig and a Rooster to make him realize that.

The fact of the matter was he never liked being defeated, by sword or otherwise. For goodness sake, the last time he had lost a few rounds he died (courtesy of Shishio), went blind (courtesy of Amakusa Shogo) and almost rotted in Rakuninmura (thanks to Enishi). In the immortal words of Segara Sanosuke, "You understand, don't you, buddy?"

It's settled. He will not lose this fight.

Right after Ranma's morning bout with Genma over the koi pond and just before breakfast was served, Nabiki cornered Ranma in the only place she knew he would be cornered: The bath.

It was simple, really. As long as Ranma wasn't a girl, he'd actually preserve his modesty. And since it was her, Furinkan's Ice-Queen that would be walking in on him, he'd be even more reluctant to flash "Little Ranma" (well, perhaps not so little, according to Akane) in case she had a camera handy.

So Nabiki slid the shoji doors open and stood stoically at the side of the furo while Ranma stared at her with Doe-Eyes-In-Head-Lights panic.

Three...two...one...

"Do you think I can have some privacy for one friggin' minute?!?!" Ranma yelled, sinking further into the water, peering at Nabiki with a glare.

"I have a proposition for you," Nabiki said without further ado.

"Oh fer cryin' out loud!" Ranma cried in annoyance. "I ain't cheating on Akane for anything! And I'm not exactly too keen on freezing my wiener doin' ya!"

"What?!" Nabiki exclaimed, turning red with anger. "Don't flatter yourself, you idiot! It's not that kind of proposition! I want you to do something for me, and if you do it right, I'll call off the charges for China on you and Akane."

This time, Ranma grinned, now bent on teasing. "Oh, I can do it right. Ask Akane, but I still ain't doin' you."

Nabiki gave him a grimace. "Look, I can ask somebody else to do this."

Contrary to popular belief, there are times when Ranma knew when to shut up. "I'm listening."

Nabiki nodded, growing calm. "Good. I know you know Ryouga's in love with Kaoru."

"Duh!" Ranma exclaimed.

Nabiki chuckled. "What you don't know is that Ryouga and Kenshin had faced off about it, turning it into some sort of battle."

Ranma raised an eyebrow. Faced off? He knew there was some tension, but an actual confrontation? This was interesting. "Like how, faced off?"

"Like this, face off." Nabiki played her recorder and watched Ranma's eyes widen in mild astonishment at the biting remarks and crass name-calling.

"Holy incompatibility, Batman," he said with a whistle.

"What I want you to do is get Ryouga to tell Kaoru he loves her before Kenshin does," she told him, flipping the player off. "Sano bet that Kenshin would do it first, and I want to get Meiji coins in my roster of assets."

Ranma laughed and laid back in the furo. "Oh man! You're asking me to do the impossible!"

"Saotome Ranma never loses, or is this a challenge you couldn't hack?" Nabiki asked slyly. Feeding Ranma's ego, or insulting it, was almost a sure-fire way to get him to do things. An application of both will tweak the stupid-knob in his head and can make him do wonders.

It worked like a charm. Ranma rose from the tub, droplets flying in all directions as he faced Nabiki with provoked resolve. "What?! Just watch me get the job done, Nabiki. I'll have Ryouga saying the words faster than I can do a Chestnut Fist!"

Nabiki gave him the once over, smirking. "Good god, Akane wasn't exaggerating after all."

Ranma flushed and dove back into the furo. "Er, whatever Nabiki. I accept the deal. Just go now, will you?"

Nabiki smiled and turned to leave. "I'm sure you'll think of something, Ranma."

"Hey Nabiki," Ranma called before she left.

"Yes?"

"Why aren't you doing this yourself?"

Nabiki snorted. "Are you kidding? As if Ryouga would trust me. Besides, it wouldn't do for me to interfere directly. If anyone figured that out, I'd have to forfeit the bet."

Ranma rolled his eyes around. "I should have known. Which means you'll probably look out for anyone trying to tilt the odds to their favor."

"Right. It puts a lot of stress on me," Nabiki replied. "Besides, I do sincerely believe that when Saotome Ranma puts his mind to it, he does get the job done."

Ranma grinned. "I always knew you were a smart woman, Nabs."

"The smartest," Nabiki corrected, walking out of the bath.

The only other person whom Nabiki could scam into a bet was Genma, not because he was a betting man like Sano, but because his honor left nothing to be desired. There was nothing she really needed from Genma, but extra cash, apart from the China trip and the job she did for Kaoru, was always welcome. Frugality (she preferred this term to "greed") after all, turned her into the woman she was.

Genma had a mean streak of doing things for the fun of it, and this would be no exception. Genma didn't want to bet on who would be the first to admit his love to Kaoru. Experience told him that could take ages. He did however, place a bet on who would get to kiss Kaoru first. Surmising that Kenshin was appallingly more polite than Ryouga, he actually bet on Ryouga. Never mind that he nose-bled. That would come after the kiss.

"Kiss means mouth to mouth, no tongue required," Genma said.

"If you say so, Genma," Nabiki said.

My, how funny these people think! Such reasoning! Well, too bad for them, Nabiki's at the helm.

Kenshin eyed Kaoru from the stove as she deftly chopped the turnip for their pickle stock.

Perfect timing. No one's around. Ukyo was out making full use of the dojo with Yahiko, Ranma was out searching for Ryouga, and Akane had gone with him. Sano was keeping Genma occupied and Kuno was still out cold. As for Mousse, well, nobody has seen him since yesterday after breakfast.

"Kaoru-dono," Kenshin began somewhat nervously.

She looked up and smiled. "Yes, Kenshin?"

That smile! Oh, why did she have to flash it at a time like this? He moved his mouth and nothing but a faint squeak came out. It was so much easier when he had said it spontaneously the other night.

"Eh?" Kaoru asked, puzzled.

Kenshin gave a cough before speaking. "P-Pardon me, something caught in my throat, it seems. What I was getting at was...um, we didn't get to tour Edo yesterday, like we planned, what with Happosai and all. I thought maybe we could do it today if you're still up to it, that is."

An adorable blush crept up her cheeks. "S-Sure Kenshin. Are Sano and Yahiko coming along?"

"No," He squeaked again. Damn! "Sano can't make it and Yahiko said he had something to do," he said in an even voice. Of course, he had to fumble. "But if you want them to come we could move it -- "

"No!" She hastily said.

"Oro..." Kenshin whispered, watching her pink turning to red.

"I mean," Kaoru began, turning her attention back to the turnips, pulverizing it to smaller bits. "It's alright if it's just the two of us. It's no problem. It's not like it's a date or anything, right?"

"That is correct," Kenshin agreed, turning around to face the pot of flavored water, stirring it like crazy as if the pickling depended on it.

A silence fell, both unaware of the stupid grins on each of their faces.

"There he is!" Akane said, pointing to a lost and disheveled boy with a yellow bandana on his head. People were avoiding him as evidenced by the circle constantly forming around him as he moved, probably because he was glowing a bit blue from some kind of depression.

Ranma held his wife tighter against him. "Hold on. We're going in."

Akane giggled as he jumped off one of the highest roofs and landed them safely on the ground. People weren't too keen about that either, gasping and staring at the inhuman method of entrance.

"Yo, pig-boy!" Ranma called, setting Akane down delicately.

Ryouga whirled around, frowned in seeing Ranma, but stopped walking upon realizing Akane was with him. "Saotome...if you call me pig-boy one more time..."

"Yeah, yeah, oinker," Ranma said, waving his hand in dismissal.

Ryouga growled. "Ranma..."

Akane slapped her husband's cheek affectionately. "Oh hush, Ranma. Ryouga, it's time to go back to the dojo. It's almost lunchtime and you haven't had any breakfast. Poor dear, you must be hungry."

"I'll be fine, Akane," Ryouga replied, calming down at Akane's gentle words.

Akane nodded. "Let's go, but do you think we can walk this time? I'd like to see the stuff they sell in this place."

"Aha," Ranma said, pinching Akane's chin. "No wonder my violent un-cute tomboy wanted to come with me."

Akane grinned. "Why else would I go with a idiot-pervert like you?"

Ryouga made a face as Akane skipped ahead of them a few paces. "Ugh! Sometimes, I wish you two would go back to insulting each other. I'd get less cavities that way."

"Aw, we only do that now for the kiss and make-up part," Ranma said, watching Akane fondly as she leaned over to check on a silk pattern.

Ryouga sighed, walking languorously after her. "Isn't it nice that love can do that? Turn the most unpleasant things into...sheer poetry?"

"Ugh!" Ranma said in turn. "Sometimes I wish you would go back to insulting me. At least I can keep up with that kind of drama."

Ryouga reddened and curled a fist. "Fine! Shees, I don't know why I open up to you at all!"

Ranma would have begun a series of taunting when he remembered his discussion with Nabiki that morning. "Chill. I'm sorry. You know me. I'm Mr. Foot-In-My-Mouth. Talk to me, Hibiki. I'm listening."

An appreciative look crossed Ryouga's face before he began to speak again. "In case you haven't figured it out, this is about Kaoru. I mean, you know I love her, right?"

"Right."

"And it's safe to say she likes me, right?"

"Right."

"But...it's like Akane all over again, Saotome," Ryouga said wearily. "All she sees in me is a friend. It helps that she knows about my Jusenkio curse and everything, but...I've been thinking, if I tell her how I feel, maybe I could get her to love me the way I want her to. Know what I mean?"

Ranma gave it some thought. For once, the Pig-boy made sense, and he had actually thought the thing through.

Ryouga's love for Akane was blind, assuming too much of Akane's feelings for him. It had been brought of too many things he had wanted to believe, thinking that it could turn dreams into reality. With Kaoru, it was different. At least, Ryouga knew that Kaoru only considered him as a friend, and he had taken the wiser path of endeavoring to turn that friendship into something more. It was logic that never occurred to the lost boy when Akane had been involved.

Kaoru's gentle hand had worked once more.

"You know what, Ryouga," Ranma said, grinning. "I'll help you. I'll help you admit your feelings to Kaoru, and in addition to that, I'll help you gain her affection."

Ryouga's eyes knotted in worry. "Er, no offense, Ranma, but you aren't exactly Dr. Love."

Ranma gave him an acid smile. "Hey, I got the girl, didn't I?"

Ryouga blinked then cleared his throat. "Point taken. What's your advice?"

"First thing's first," Ranma said. "The Date."

"D-Date?"

"Yep," Ranma replied. "Akane and I started to get along real well when I began asking her out. It should be easier for you since your brain to mouth coordination's slightly better than mine. Your clothes won't be much of a problem considering you bring everything in that back-pack of yours."

"Er...Ranma, you're forgetting one tiny detail. I don't have any money."

Ranma rolled his eyes around. "That's easy. Give Nabiki your supply of bandanas and have her sell it for a commission. I'm pretty sure she'll be willing to do it for you for a reasonable price."

"She would?"

"Sure. I'll talk to her later," Ranma said. He could certainly count on Nabiki to go all the way protecting her interest.

Ryouga raised a suspicious eyebrow. "Why are you so nice to me all of a sudden?"

Jeez! Why'd he have to ask that? Ranma wracked his brain for a reason. "Well, I sorta...feel that um, I should start making up for the suffering I've caused you." Boy, that was lame! I hope he buys it. Well, It's kinda true. I mostly might be doing it for Junsenkio, but I'm also doing this for the poor oinker who's down on his luck with love.

Ryouga bought it. He had placed such a high price on the "suffering" he believed Ranma had dealt him that it was a good enough reason for him to accept it as it was. "We have to act fast though. Kenshin...that assassin's in love with Kaoru too. I really didn't think so, at first, what with the way Kaoru talked about him treating her like a friend and all, but we had this discussion where...it became rather evident that he actually has feelings for her."

Ranma suddenly had a nagging feeling in his stomach. He had heard the "discussion" on tape, and it occurred to him that Ryouga just might end up as heartbroken as before. The terms with Nabiki were clear: Ryouga had to admit his feelings for Kaoru before Battousai did. There was nothing in it that said Kaoru had to return those feelings. Truth be told, that was a virtual impossibility.

Maybe he shouldn't go encouraging Ryouga. Maybe he and Akane should just pay Nabiki that horrible Twenty Thousand Yen and become her slave for the Ten Thousand Yen discount. The mere thought of owing Nabiki Twenty Thousand plus himself and Akane to boot made him shudder, but Ryouga's feelings...

SPLASH!

"Shit! Of all the -- !" Ranma-onna exclaimed, glaring at the old woman who had thrown a pail of water out in the street. She couldn't believe it! Everywhere she went there just had to be an old lady with a pail of water that had to be gotten rid off!

"Bwee!!!!"

Ranma grabbed the pig and clamped its mouth shut as he frantically gathered Ryouga's clothing.

She managed to bundle the clothes up on time, but Akane had heard.

"P-chan!" She cried in glee. "There you are!"

"I'll carry him, Akane-chan!" Ranma said with a pasted smile on her pretty face.

"Alright, Ranma, but where's Ryouga?" Akane asked, scratching her head.

Ranma pretended to look around. "Oh wow, you're right. He's gone again! Well, I've done my job looking for him. Maybe we should let Ukyo know he's lost. It's her turn to find him."

Akane sighed. "Honestly! I sure hope he finds that cure in China. I really feel sorry for the guy. What's that bundle you got there?"

P-chan shrieked again.

"Shut-up, baby," Ranma said to Ryouga, smiling at the pig through grit teeth. She turned to answer Akane. "It's just a parcel. Had it with me from the dojo. Didn't you notice it?"

"No. What's in...umm, maybe we should find a restaurant that can spare us some hot water, love," Akane whispered to Ranma, noticing several men whose eyes were already lingering over Ranma's busty female physique.

Ranma nodded.

She couldn't stand it anymore. She had to go to Jusenkio, and she couldn't stand to be Nabiki's porn either. Sorry Ryouga, but I have to do it. Ranma was inclined to take a Machiavellian approach to the situation, especially now that there was SOME GUY DROOLING OVER HER BOOBS!

"I'm off to the market," Kaoru announced to those in the yard, her arm looped around a basket while she held a pretty parasol and a shawl. Nabiki and Ukyo were seated on the grass, Yahiko between them. They were teasing him incessantly, both girls marveling at the fact that a boy so young could act so much like a half-grown-grown-up. Kaoru suspected that Yahiko was nevertheless enjoying the attention, Nabiki and Ukyo being really pretty and all. Genma and Sano were playing Go. Their previous matches had gone from one game, to two out of three, to four out of seven, and so on. They were still at it.

"You look awfully nice to be going to the market," Ukyo remarked innocently after tweaking Yahiko's ear.

Kaoru blushed but summoned all her skills of cool deflection. "Why, thank you Ucchan."

"Jou-chan dresses up like that all the time in the hopes of snagging a guy in the market who'll be willing to marry her," Sano contributed, knowing full well why Kaoru looked prettier than usual. He was going to do his part.

Yahiko practically suffocated trying to keep his laugh down, but it was better than having to deal with the little silver box that kept his voice and the totally embarrassing words it spoke. Death before dishonor.

Kenshin heard Sano and winced. Oro! Rooster-head, for your sake, don't help.

Kaoru grit her teeth. Out came the bokken. Down came the bokken.

Sano lay sprawled on the floor, absolutely gone of his wits.

"Let me accompany you, Kaoru-dono," Kenshin said, coming out of the kitchen to get to her.

They smiled at each other as he took her basket and made their way out of the gate.

Ukyo sighed. "I wish I had a man-servant as devoted as that one," she said to Nabiki and Yahiko wistfully.

Nabiki looked at her like she was stupid. "What the heck are you talking about? You have a man-servant as devoted as that one. And he looks like a girl too!"

Ukyo frowned. "Konatsu's different. He's...he's prettier than I am. And he's...a cross-dresser. A little too avant garde for my tastes. At least, Kenshin dresses like a guy, and he can still act macho and all that."

Yahiko remembered the arrival of the Nerima-gumi like it was yesterday. "Hey, I remember Konatsu. That was a guy? Wow."

Ukyo nodded and chuckled. "He's my fashion consultant, actually."

"That so? Was that long skirt and Chiongsam top ensemble his idea?" Nabiki asked.

"Yep."

"Very chic," Nabiki said in sincerity. "I ought to consult with the guy. So, you like the burly, macho type, do you?"

Ukyo rolled her eyes around. "Isn't it obvious? Ran-chan? Nobody could out-macho him."

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "There is one guy kinda like him..."

Ukyo made a face. "Ugh! Puleez! Genma won't ever by my type, and if you even mention Sano, I'll kill you."

Nabiki sputtered in laughter. "I don't mean Genma or Sano, silly! I'm talking about Ryouga."

Yahiko snickered. Spending time with Tae and Tsubame had somewhat developed in him a taste for gossip. This was interesting.

Ukyo turned red but kept her bearings. "Ryouga-kun? Nabiki honey, he's way too sweet to be considered anything like Ran-chan, Genma or Sano."

"So you like him?" Yahiko asked.

Ukyo smiled at Yahiko and pinched his cheek. "Since when did things like that interest you, hmm Yahiko-kun?"

Yahiko pulled away and rubbed his face grudgingly. "Hey! No changing of subject."

Nabiki cocked an amused smile. "Kid's got a talent to spot these things. He's right, don't change the subject. You like him?"

Ukyo thought about it. "Well, he is cute. Not like Ran-chan who's an absolute babe, but he's good looking. And those fangs are just..."

"Sexy?" Nabiki suggested with a raised eyebrow.

Ukyo had to nod in agreement. "European vampire sexy. Like you just want to tell him: Bite me!"

Yahiko made a face while Nabiki laughed.

"You know what, Ukyo," Nabiki began in a light tone. "You never told me how Kaoru convinced you to let go of your engagement to Ranma."

Ukyo smiled at her mysteriously and shifted to a more comfortable position on the grass. "I'm not like the other fiancées, honey. Though I must admit I got crazy during that first wedding ceremony, I can acknowledge my mistakes. And that was a whopping mistake on my part. I'm not demented like Kodachi, or law-looney like Shampoo. Kaoru and I...she's a good friend. We talked about a lot of things. She told me that sometimes, when you love a person too much, you just have to let go."

Nabiki couldn't put it together in her head. "What did Kaoru tell you?"

Ukyo chuckled. "That's not for me to reveal. She said some pretty personal stuff. Ask her. It may change you, too."

Nabiki's lips curled into a grimace of distaste. "I'd rather not risk it."

Kenshin opened one eye to peek at Kaoru's praying form. His hand was in front of him, palm up as if to split the two halves of his face, just like Kaoru, and he was suppose to be praying, just like Kaoru, but for the life of him, he couldn't keep his eyes closed, just like Kaoru.

The shrine was filled with devoted Shintoists, and the busy hum did little to keep his concentration. Kaoru, however, has been standing still for the past ten minutes.

He certainly had the patience to wait for her to finish. It was not in his nature to whine, but he really wasn't much of the praying type, neither is he much of the meditative type. Ponderous, yes, meditative, well...Shinomori Aoshi will attest to just how useless that attempt was.

The only enlightenment Kenshin achieved in his meditation session with Aoshi was that the lotus position could create one hell of a leg cramp.

Staring at Kaoru, he found himself entranced by the serenity she exuded. So calm and at peace with herself. Her chi was as pure as ever, radiating with a brilliant white light. He stayed that way for quite some time with his head turned to the side, hand upright in prayer.

A few minutes later, Kaoru stirred, a sigh escaping her lips while her eyes opened slowly.

Kenshin blinked himself out of his daze and hastily turned his head forward, squeezing his eyes shut. When Kaoru did not call his name, he decided to see what was keeping her. He was astonished to find her watching him with a pleasant smile.

"Are you done, Kenshin?" She asked cheerfully.

He realized she had been waiting for him, and he could only pretend he had taken some sort of spiritual quest. "I am, Kaoru-dono. God has smiled upon me."

Her smile brightened even more. "Good. It's almost lunch and I'd like to go to the Akabeko. I miss Tae-chan and Tsubame-chan, though I can't really go off and tell them about what happened to me. It would take too long and they would never believe me."

Kenshin nodded and picked up the basket he had been lugging around for her. It had been a prop, so that they could get out of the Kamiya dojo without anyone nosing in on their business. "They are always glad to see you, Kaoru-dono. Besides, you have good credit with them, I'm sure."

Kaoru laughed and pulled him by the arm. "Come on, silly. We have to hurry. I want to beat the lunch crowd."

"Of course, Kaoru-dono." He watched her animated face intently and realized that he had prayed and that God had smiled upon him. Perhaps people worshipped in their own personal shrines, and at that moment, he knew just where his personal shrine was.

"Quit squirming, Ranma," Akane told her husband in a patient tone.

"I can't help it," Ranma said, dealing another one of her droolers a murderous stare. "I ought to beat those guys who are gawking at us. It ain't so bad if they're just looking at me, but they're looking at you too!"

Akane sighed. Sometimes her husband could be so damn unreasonable when it comes to his possessiveness. "We're almost at the dojo, Ranma. We'll have you changed back in no time."

Ranma adjusted P-chan in the crook of her arm and ignored the squeal of complaint.

They continued to walk and Ranma decided to occupy herself wrestling with her conscience. All she could think about was Ryouga, and his sorry love life. If you can call it a life.

"Hey look, Ranma," Akane said, nudging Ranma's arm. "It's Kaoru and Kenshin."

Ranma looked and P-chan bweed loudly. She could see Kenshin carrying a basket while Kaoru pulled at his arm. They were going inside a restaurant that said "Akabeko" up front.

Uh oh. Ranma thought. Lunch out? Are they on a date?

Akane motioned for them to follow. "Come on. Let's say hi, and since you're in such a hurry to change back, maybe we can request the restaurant to provide us with some hot water."

Holy crap. Not good. This is going to be freakin' bloody if I don't hold on to this little critter! Ranma thought with dread. Ryouga was already wriggling violently to be let go. "Hold...still! Damn porker!"

Akane led them into the restaurant and they found Kaoru and Kenshin talking to a waitress.

Ranma was concentrating too hard on holding P-chan to focus on the real situation.

"Hey Kaoru-chan! Kenshin-san!" Akane cried, approaching them.

"Akane-chan!" Kaoru exclaimed in surprise. "R-Ranko!"

Kenshin raised an eyebrow at the new name but recovered swiftly enough to notice the little black pig in the crook of Ranma's arm. "It is P-chan," he muttered in disgust.

Ranma grunted against the fuss Ryouga was creating. "Great! Now that we all know each other, do you think we can get that hot water?" she asked with a hint of sarcasm.

Kaoru and Kenshin looked at each other, almost in apology and nodded.

"Akane, Ranko, this is Tae-chan," Kaoru said, introducing the waitress they were talking to. "She owns this restaurant. Her cooking rivals Ucchan's and the Nekohaten."

Akane grinned. "That so? You must be very good, Tae-san! Ucchan's and the Nekohaten are famous where we come from. And I do admire good cooks. I can only manage curry."

Ranma smirked. Sez who? Perhaps her thoughts were written on her forehead as plain as kanji, because Akane gave her a deadly stare. "Right," was the only safe reply.

"Are you joining us for lunch, Akane-dono?" Kenshin asked them cheerfully.

"Oh, no," Akane replied. "We're heading back to the Kamiya dojo. We just stopped to say hi and, er...get some hot water if Tae-san can spare some."

Tae smiled at them. "Of course we can spare some hot water! I'll bring you some in a minute. You're staying at the Kamiya dojo, you say?"

"Yes ma'am!" Akane and Ranma replied in unison.

"Well," Tae began pleasantly. "Any friend of Kaoru-chan is a friend of mine. Why don't you sit with Kaoru-chan and Himura-san while I get you that hot water, alright?"

"Thank you!" Ranma exclaimed.

They all took their seats in a relatively private corner of the restaurant.

"You better hold on to P-chan, Ranma-dono," Kenshin warned her with a rurouni smile. "Tae-san makes excellent pork-dishes, if you know what I mean."

P-chan squealed, jumping to make for Kenshin's face. Ranma caught him in mid-air just in time.

"He's a bit feisty today, isn't he?" Kenshin remarked.

This made P-chan fiercer than ever.

Ranma smothered P-chan in a bear hug, forcing a grin on her face. Hmph! Kenshin's as bad as I was...er, am when it comes to taunting the oinker. In fact, I think he's much worse with that innocent smile on his face.

Kaoru gave Kenshin an odd look, almost like disapproval, but hampered by perplexity.

"Oh P-chan, settle down," Akane crooned, reaching for the pig.

"It's alright, Akane-chan," Ranma said. "I'll hold him." Friend or not, he ain't going to get his mitts on my wife! "You like being held like this, don't you P-chan?" She said in a baby-talk kind of fashion.

P-chan squealed and dug his hooves into Ranma's arm painfully.

All systems indicate he doesn't, but what the hell do I care?

"Do you want me to hold him, Ranko-dono?" Kenshin asked, a predatory grin on his face.

P-chan went absolutely berserk.

Akane giggled. "I guess not. P-chan's very picky. You hold him, Kaoru-chan. He usually likes it when you do."

P-chan calmed down and gave a little piggy smile. Kenshin glared at the pig, amber speckling his amethysts for a second.

Kaoru pursed her lips and held her arms out for Ranma to give her the pig.

"Kaoru-dono, you do not want to soil your kimono," Kenshin said in a controlled voice.

"Give him here, Ranma," Kaoru said in a crisp tone. "I think he's perfectly clean."

Ranma looked at Kenshin who was giving her a warning stare. Ho boy...why is my life all about being caught in the crossfire? Why? Why? Well, she could stand up to Kaoru, right? "I won't..."

"What?" Kaoru snapped, the bokken beginning to materialize in her hand.

Or not. Apply the Saotome Anything Goes School of Martial Arts Secret Technique: Run now, fight another day. Surely Battousai would understand. "Here ya go."

P-chan was transplanted to Kaoru's lap, where he snuggled contentedly.

Kenshin turned red and gave Kaoru a meaningful stare. "P-chan will be more comfortable with me, I think," he said through grit teeth.

Kaoru turned up her nose, now realizing that Kenshin was acting just like Ranma, in everything, and she would not have any friend of hers, pig-cursed or not, so degraded. She was not going to cradle P-chan against her breasts like Akane did out of ignorance, so she saw no problem to it, and if Ryouga did anything improper, she could certainly defend herself. "No. P-chan is fine right here. Like children, the both of you."

Great. I'm thirty years old and I still get called a kid. Kenshin thought sourly.

Ranma pouted. Who's she callin' a kid? She henceforth stuck out her tongue.

Kaoru raised her palms up. "I rest my case."

"You tell them, sister," Akane said, grinning.

Tae finally arrived with the water and Ranma took it readily, bowing her thanks before Tae returned to attending to her other customers.

"Why don't I show you to the back, Ranma," Kaoru said, standing up with P-chan in her arms.

Akane and Kenshin were left for the moment.

Akane gave Kenshin a bright smile and spoke. "You must be touring Kaoru-chan around."

Kenshin blushed but nodded in response. "Y-Yes. A thousand apologies for not inviting you, Akane-dono."

Akane chuckled. "It's alright. I, of all people, understand how difficult it is to find time alone with the person you want to be with."

Kenshin's eyes widened in shock. "Akane-dono, it -- it isn't a date, if I may be candid..."

She gave a smirk. "I didn't say anything about a date. It's not a date, you say? Well, could have fooled me."

Kenshin turned even redder, twiddling his fingers together. Calm down rurouni. It's not so bad to be caught red-handed. Beside, it's just a date, if you can call it that.

Moron! Of course it's a date! Sano's right. You couldn't lie to save your ass!

Shut-up, Battousai! You're SO not helping.

Chicken...just like that time you left for Kyoto, and that play after Kyoto...cluck, cluck, cluck!

Kenshin smiled through grit teeth.

Akane stared at him, somewhat confused at the play of emotions on his face. It didn't take long for her to ponder though, because Ranma-kun came sauntering in with Kaoru, Ryouga right behind them.

"Ryouga-kun! Where did you run off to this time?" Akane asked.

Ryouga scratched the back of his head and pasted a smile on his face. "Oh, you know...if I knew I wouldn't get lost all the time."

Akane frowned thoughtfully. "True...where's P-chan?"

"He ran off," Ranma replied. "He took one look at some marinade and high-tailed out of here."

Kaoru giggled and Ryouga practically had steam coming out of his ears from suppressed rage.

"Orange peel goes best with any pork marinade," Kenshin quipped, as if the thought just popped into his head.

Ryouga glared at him while Kaoru gave Kenshin a warning look.

"Well, we must be going," Akane said, rising to her feet. "Ukyo will go ballistic if we don't show up for her Okonomiyaki."

"Oh, I don't know," Ryouga said casually. "I thought maybe this place --"

Akane promptly kicked his shin with the brute strength Ranma always chided her for, beneath the table and Ryouga, Mr. Semi-macho-pick-up-a-tree-by-its-roots-man, bit a finger to keep from crying out in pain, managing to disappear behind the low table.

"Oro?"

"Ryouga-kun?" Kaoru asked uncertainly, peeking at him.

Ryouga reappeared, standing with total poise. "I'm okay. Just picked something off the floor. No big deal." Shees! What does a person have to do to break a date around here?

"Walk away." Ranma hissed in his ear. "Just turn around and walk away. Don't look back."

Kenshin seemed to have the same thoughts, but probably not as calming, nor as harmless, because at that very moment, he actually had his hand to the hilt of his sword.

Ryouga assessed the situation. I'm not afraid of Battousai.

Akane raised an eyebrow towards him and swung her mallet over her shoulder.

On the other hand...Mr. Mallet, now there's something to think about. "Home made Okonimiyaki sounds pretty good. Although the guys would appreciate some take--"

Akane grabbed him by his collar and pulled him and her husband towards the door. "We'll see you later, Kaoru-chan, Kenshin-san! Bye!"

"Bye..." Kaoru said, her voice withering at the quick exit. "What was that all about?"

"Probably nothing, Kaoru-dono," Kenshin said pleasantly. "I feel like a having pork-dumpling right now, don't you?"

Megumi arrived at the Kamiya dojo shortly after lunch. She thought it best to confront her Rooster-headed quasi-boyfriend at this time because he had just eaten, and it is a medical fact that people who have just eaten tended to be lethargic and more addle-brained than usual.

Good grief! If his cerebral cortex addles any more it might completely atrophy and die.

Trust a doctor to use "cerebral cortex" and "atrophy" in one sentence.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Megumi!" Nabiki cried, seeing the good doctor entering the gate.

Megumi smiled and waved to everyone who was lounging on the porch. "Hello. Has everyone eaten a proper lunch?"

It was just like her to ask that.

"Definitely!" Ukyo said with a self-appreciative grin, giving a half-asleep Ranma a sidelong glance.

"Good. Is Sano here?" Megumi asked with an acid smile on her face.

Yahiko pointed to a tree where Sano had taken to digest his hefty Okonomiyaki lunch under the shade.

Akane yawned. "By the way...has anyone seen Ryouga?"

Ukyo, whose turn it was to find him, groaned. "I'm too lazy to go looking for the idiot. Maybe later."

"Yo, doc. How's Happosai?" Ranma asked.

"He's still out cold," Megumi replied. "Didn't know you cared, Ran-san."

Ranma scoffed and Genma-panda held a sign up that said "Ha!"

"I'll give you an update on his condition as soon as there's an improvement," Megumi told them.

"The only improvement I'll hope for is that he stays unconscious," Ranma remarked. "Damn! That Amekakeru Ryuu No Hirameki's good stuff. Like Chestnut Fist with a sword, I tell you."

Akane rolled her eyes around. It's just like Ranma to turn a fighting-technique discussion back to himself.

Megumi grimaced. The subject of fighting skills didn't particularly interest her. God knows she's had enough of Sano ringing her ears about how spectacular his Futae No Kiwami is. Which reminds me..."Excuse me everyone, but I have to talk to Sano about something. Just keep out of the sun and no strenuous activities until an hour after every meal."

Everyone chuckled.

"Yes ma'am," Nabiki quipped.

Megumi approached Sano with deadly resolve. Before she called his attention, she pasted the most charming smile on her face, placing a delicate hand on her purse for her little cassette player.

"Hello Sano," she said in an eerie tone, sitting beside him.

"Hey Fox-lady," Sano returned, not moving from his comfortable position. The patented fishbone bobbed in his mouth as he spoke. "What're you doing here? Did you miss me?" he asked with a smirk.

He did not see the evil glint in her eyes as she replied. "Yes Sano. I missed you so much. Not seeing you in the clinic and all. I've considered hiring a bunch of thugs to beat you up just so I can have you in my clinic where I can examine you and your wonderful body."

Sano stiffened and looked at Megumi in shock. "Right," he said. Was she kidding or something?

Megumi tingled inside at having complete control over the situation. "My days without you are just empty, nothingness. Why have you kept away from the clinic?"

Sano was blinking like clockwork. What the hell...

"Is it Nabiki?" Megumi asked, doing a splendid job at looking heartbroken. "Is it because her breasts are better than mine?" She henceforth grabbed her own breasts for emphasis.

Sano stared at her. Drool..."Er...Course not, Megumi! I think your...um...bosom is nice enough."

Megumi began to shed tears. "Then all you want from me is my body! My soft skin! My gentle curves!"

"No!" Sano exclaimed hastily, praying to the powers that be against a nosebleed. "It ain't your body!"

"What's wrong with my body?" Megumi demanded.

"Nothing! Nothing's wrong with your body!" Sano said in a panic. "It's perfect! But it's not just your body I'm after!"

"My money, then!" She cried, feigning hurt to perfection. "A budding doctor like me has a promising career! Gambler like you always needs money!"

Sano was sweating profusely now, perplexed by Megumi's outbursts but finding enough purchase to get her to stop crying. "I don't care about your freakin' money! Dammit Megumi! What the hell's the matter with you? You know I care about you a lot! I'd do anything for you!"

"Really Sano? Honest?" Megumi asked, clasping her hands to her chest, the cassette player unnoticeably between her palms.

"Honest!" Sano declared.

Megumi batted her eyelashes, smiling prettily. "Oh Sano, kiss me...Do you want to kiss me?"

Yatta! Sano thought. I can't believe it! Fox-lady confessed her feelings to me! Yahoo! I'm the luckiest guy in the face of the planet! She's finally mine! "Absolutely..."

He leaned over to kiss her, closing his eyes as he did so, and just when he thought he was going to feel the softness of her lips, he instead got the not-so-soft fury of her palm...and her foot...and her foot again...

SLAP! KICK! KICK! And another kick for good measure.

"Ouch!!" Sano yelled, spitting out the blades of grass that had lodged into his mouth.

"In your dreams, Rooster head!" Megumi hissed, pressing her finger to the play button.

There, in all her infuriated glory, Sano heard words he had thought he'd never say out loud. His own voice, which might as well have spelled out his doom, sealed his fate.

"I...I never said that!" Sano denied, knowing deep down inside him that he somehow did say the words. Hell, he'd definitely thought them a countless number of times. And the thing about Jou-chan...that topped the cream! He had thought he had buried it in the deepest recesses of his mind! To be sure, he had absolutely no feelings of desire for Kaoru anymore, but for anyone to know he had them once...Kenshin would never let him near Jou-chan again!

Then of course, there was Megumi, whom right now resembled a very angry dragon. Fox-lady...come back! He had blown it with her, big time!

"You're so down there on my suitor list!" Megumi told him, pointing to her foot.

"M-Megumi...babe!"

"Oh don't you babe me, you good-for-nothing man of sin!" Megumi said to him angrily, her face growing red every minute. "Sizzler? I wouldn't say no to you? How dare you think me so easy! Well, let me tell you, buster. Whatever headway you've made with me, you're going to have to start from scratch, you hear me Segara?"

Sano almost cowered in fear. "Y-You're kidding, right?"

Megumi turned even redder, her fists clenching.

Not the right thing to say. Thought Sano. Grovel. Beg. That's the ticket. Damn! This has got to be Nabiki's doing! "You can't imagine how sorry I am, Megumi-sama! I shouldn't have said those things! I must have been drunk, or something! I had to be!"

"All the more reason I should deck you," Megumi said bitingly. "You better start shaping up, Segara, and as of this moment, the only thing you're going to be allowed to kiss is this!" She said, turning around and pointing to her butt. She then stomped away furiously.

"M-Megumi!" Sano cried, scrambling to his feet. Just then, a panda fell right on top of him from the top of the tree, pinning him to the ground. "Shit! Get offa me!"

"Growf!"

"Nihao all! Shampoo have bad news! Come tell you something Great-grandmother found out!" Came Shampoo's sunny greeting from somewhere above.

Sano was so bent on getting Genma off him that he lifted the panda by its fur and flung it away without a thought.

There was a crash, several exclamations of a dark foreboding, then silence. Even Megumi stopped to stare in shock.

Count on Sano to ruin my dramatic exit, was her first thought. My, somebody's injured, was her next.

Genma came away from the wall he had been pasted on, falling to the porch floor with a thump. Right there, where he was previously attached, was Shampoo, panda fur all over her back. She fell on top of Genma with a groan.

"Not good, Sanosuke," Ranma said.

"Oh no!" Sano said with a groan. "I hurt a chick!"

"Believe me, the worse is yet to come," Akane said.

Shampoo stirred groggily, sitting up and shaking her head of its dizziness. "Shampoo down...Sanosuke..." she moaned. Her pain slowly transformed into a smile and she looked up, staring straight at the ex-gang member. "Airen!!!" She shrieked, bounding off Genma and flinging herself at Sano's shocked form.

"What?" Sano yelled, trying to wriggle away. "What the hell are you talking about? It was an accident! I didn't beat you in no fight!"

"Amazon law says you did," Ukyo said in a matter of fact tone.

"Ooh! Shampoo like new husband!" Shampoo gushed, pressing herself against him. "Big and strong! Almost like Ranma, but taller, ne?"

Megumi glared at the picture, which was quickly turning into a haze of red. "Right! He's so big and strong! You're so made for each other!" She huffed, turning to leave.

"Megumi, wait!" Sano cried.

Shampoo stiffened. "Doctor-woman after you?"

Ranma signaled frantically for Sano to say no.

Sano didn't need to be prompted. Just the thought that Megumi would hear him if he said yes sent chills down his spine. "No! Of course not! I'm the one --"

"Who's a total idiot for not having fought you sooner!" Akane supplemented for Sano before he said anything that would contribute to the good doctor's demise.

Sano frowned. "That's not --"

"Even the half of it!" Yahiko put in, knowing the whole story of Ranma, Shampoo and Akane through Ukyo. "He should have fought you the moment he laid eyes on you."

"Why the hell are you putting words in my mouth!" Sano demanded.

"Oh, airen! We get married soon, yes? Shampoo make happy!" She squealed, rubbing her cheek against his chest.

Sano could feel his hair standing stiffer than usual. Married? Soon? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Did you hear that?" Kaoru asked Kenshin while they leaned over the railing of the bridge, watching the water run calmly past.

Kenshin was enjoying himself too much staring at Kaoru's face to give an intelligent reply. "Hear what?"

Kaoru strained her ears to see if she could hear it again. "Like someone screaming." She could have sworn there were still traces of the echo in the air.

"This unworthy one heard no one screaming," Kenshin replied, leaning his cheek on his palm and smiling like an idiot as he watched her troubled expression with amusement.

"I guess I'm just hearing things," Kaoru conceded with restrained conviction, her eyebrows furrowing a bit.

She's so cute when she's worried over nothing, Kenshin thought, sighing quietly to himself.

Kaoru suddenly stiffened, straightening up to look around her. "There it goes again! It's somebody screaming! I just know it!"

Kenshin listened, and heard. It was somebody screaming, but...Odd. Sounds like it's getting closer.

Kaoru's eyes widened, seeing something coming their way from the distance. "Oh my..." she whispered, feeling particularly Kasumi-like at that moment. Confusion tended to do that.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

There was a splash, water everywhere, and a woman sputtering out of the river.

"Ranma!" Kaoru cried as the human canon ball came sloshing out of the water, wobbling from the fall.

"Oro! How did you...?"

Ranma-chan coughed a few times before climbing up to the bridge. "Akane...mallet...foot in my mouth..."

Kaoru helped her find purchase and let the poor woman gather herself before asking questions. "Are you going to be okay, Ranma?"

"Feh! Of course! It's not like it's never happened before, right?" Ranma said sourly, squeezing some water from her pigtail.

Kenshin scratched his head in wonder. "This...always happens, you say?"

"Always," Kaoru replied, gingerly checking Ranma for anything that might need medical attention. "Mr. Foot-In-His-Mouth here knows just what to say to get his wife angry at him."

Ranma pouted and slowly got to her feet. "Well, that un-cute violent tomboy should have a little more patience with me. She knows I never mean to say stuff like that."

Kenshin blinked. "Oro...uncute violent..."

"What happened this time?" Kaoru asked, giving Ranma her shawl.

Ranma began to laugh, draping the shawl over her shoulders. "Oh you're never going to believe this! Sano just booked first class tickets to Joketsuzoku..."

Author's Note: I personally do not think Megumi was OOC here. She is absolutely capable of doing such a thing. Furthermore, I'd like to say that you guys should have seen that Sano-Shampoo accidental pair-up coming. It's just so irresistibly funny! Don't any of you worry, I'll fix everything in the end. There are going to be four more chapters. This includes the epilogue so do not fear.

Next up: Dating Accdg. To Sano and Ranma: Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

7. Chapter Six: Dating Accdg. To Sano and R...

Author's Note: I know what you're thinking. Now we get to the WAFFy stuff. Not! As the title of the chapter warned, be afraid, be very afraid. If you're an impressionable youngster, please do not heed the advice of Sano and Ranma. Let me remind you that they are, in fact, two of the biggest chauvinists in the history of anime. The women, now if guys want dating tips, listen to what girls have to say.

Standard disclaimers apply.

On with the story.

Chapter Six: Dating Accdg. To Sano and Ranma: Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

Part One: The Lectures

"You call that a swing? What's the matter with you? My grandmother could do it better than that!" Kaoru yelled at her student. "Five hundred swings!"

Yahiko glared at her. "Jeez!" Was all he permitted himself to say, the tiny silver box floating in his head. Is it that time of the month already? He thought in annoyance.

Nabiki, Akane and Ukyo, arms folded over their chests, all raised an eyebrow at the same time. They didn't say anything, nor did they see anything wrong with a little bit of tough lovin' to get the boy in shape, but after spending four years with Kaoru in all her moods, they knew something was definitely amiss.

Yahiko began counting his swings out loud.

Kaoru straightened her gi and hakama with a downward swipe of her hands. Blowing the bangs from her forehead, she muttered something about boys never doing anything right.

The three spectators looked at each other. Boys...particularly...?

"Say," Ukyo began casually. "Where have the men run off to?"

"Ranma and Ryouga went out to pick some stuff up in the market," Akane replied. "Said it was for a project."

Nabiki merely gave an indifferent sniff. She had been the one to send Ranma and Ryouga out that morning on an errand. After Ranma told her of Ryouga's money problems and the bandana merchandise, she had set off to find a buyer. It was the toughest test of her marketing skills yet. Nobody took interest in Ryouga's infernally atrocious bandanas. They were either "too yellow" or "too speckled". Someone actually went so far as to say that they looked like over-ripe bananas. And just when she was ready to give up, she came upon a woman who made drum beaters. Considering the toughness of the fabric and, goodness knows, its festive pattern, she bought the whole stock. The woman had said she didn't have all the money handy on her to purchase it right then and there, but she will have the payment ready the following day. Nabiki promised that the bandanas would be sold to her. Therefore, she sent Ranma and Ryouga today to go back and make the exchange. Of course, Nabiki would extract a sum from the sale, but she didn't become the money-grubber that she was settling for the twenty-ancient-coins commission. She was still hankering for Sano's share, which she knew would be hers eventually.

"Sano and Kenshin ran off too," Kaoru grumbled. "Stupid Sano...you'd think he'd do his own hiding. It was his fault he engaged himself to Shampoo! He didn't have to drag Kenshin with him!"

"Ah," said Nabiki, Ukyo and Akane in unison. They didn't mean to do it. It just sort of came out.

Kaoru frowned even more and put a hand to her waist. "What's that suppose to mean?"

"Nothing," all three of them chimed.

Kaoru looked about ready to explode.

"And what of Kuno and Genma?" Ukyo asked to distract the angry little shihondai.

"Kuno's in the woodshed, of course," Kaoru replied hastily. "Kenshin and Ryouga didn't like it that he tried to kiss me after breakfast. Genma's sleeping in the tree outside. Now what did you all mean when you said 'ah' like that?"

For a moment, no one replied.

Yahiko's counting sounded like a death toll in the background.

Finally, Akane decided to split the tension. "So, how did your date with Kenshin go yesterday?"

First, Kaoru paled, then she turned pink. In a moment, she was red all over. "I - It wasn't a date!"

Yahiko's bamboo sword clattered to the floor. He wanted to laugh his head off, but that would mean saying goodbye to his macho-image. Death or degradation, he'd rather choose death. He muttered a barely audible apology and tried to get back to his swinging.

It was divine intervention on the part of Kami-sama that Kaoru realized at that moment the inevitable. She sighed and lost her anger, replacing it with frustration and mild irritation.

"It couldn't have been a date," Kaoru said, sinking to the floor in front of her friends. "Do you call it a date when all he did was call me 'Kaoru-dono'? It felt like having a butler handy at every corner. Not to mention how we ended it. Rushing back to the dojo to save Sano's ass and almost sending Shampoo into a raging fit...real romantic!"

Ukyo bit her lip to keep her giggles from surfacing. "It wasn't that bad, Kaoru honey. At least you got to spend time with Kenshin somehow."

Kaoru shook her head in desolation. "That's not the point. We always spend time together. It's just that...the idiot doesn't really use it the way I want him to."

Akane scratched her head. "This is like, déjà vu."

Ukyo laughed. "Isn't it? But who'd have thought? Ranma was too rude and Kenshin's too polite. Sometimes men just don't get it."

"It's not fair to ask too much from Neanderthals, you know," Nabiki said with a smirk.

"Hey! Who you calling Neanderthals?" Yahiko demanded.

The girls sputtered in laughter.

"Don't worry, Yahiko honey," Ukyo said. "You're not a Neanderthal just yet."

"Indeed, hope lies in the children," Akane added piquantly.

Yahiko bristled even more. "I'm not a child!"

"There, there now, Yahiko-chan," Kaoru crooned. "As a male, it'll take you at least thirty years to grow up, and that isn't even a guarantee. Look at Kenshin."

The women laughed again.

Chan...always chan! Oh, what I would give to call her BUSU right about now. Yahiko decided to let his anger out on the swings he had been penalized to take.

"Oh stop that a moment, hon," Ukyo said, knowing Kaoru's mood had been altered for the better. "Come sit here for a while. Let us girls tell you a thing or two about women."

Always the teacher, Kaoru moved over to make space for Yahiko. This would be a better lesson than any kendo.

Yahiko froze in his swinging, but seeing Kaoru gesturing him to sit down, he complied without complaint.

"Listen very well, Yahiko-kun," Akane told him pointedly. "You will thank us for this in the future."

"It's not every day I do stuff like this for free, so pay attention," Nabiki said with a nod.

Yahiko settled himself comfortably and looked at the women surrounding him. He waited for them to begin.

"First thing you have to realize," Akane said, "is that to know a woman, you have to have patience. Take it slow at first. You can't just jump into the fray and swing every which way you can go. That goes for almost everything you wish to impart to us..."

"Feh!" Sano exclaimed, crouching low beneath the tall grasses as he and Kenshin crawled, soldier-style on the ground. "You gotta catch her by surprise, Kenshin. Go in for the kill. Girls don't like it when you dawdle."

"Umm..." Kenshin began uncertainly, grunting against the effort of staying low. He didn't know why Sano insisted on going to his bachelor's pad in this manner. Shampoo was nowhere in sight. "Sanosuke, I don't think Kaoru-dono would appreciate an ambush."

"Idiot!" Sano hissed. "We're talking about Jou-chan here. Miss Act-now-think-later!"

"Men often make the mistake of resorting to too much flattery," Nabiki put in. "Flattery, smoothly and nicely put will do, but too much of it, even if sincere, can be a real damper. True, we like it when you notice the nice dress, or the new hairdo, but complimenting features, like eyes, or our skin, or something non-sexual like that, works best. Still, you have to remember not to lay it on so thick. It gets too weird when men do it that way."

"Don't forget to put in a compliment every chance you get," Ranma told Ryouga while walking through the market mob. "Girls really lap up that stuff. Experience has told me that you should lie low on the insults."

Ryouga rolled his eyes around. "Gee, you think? Ranma, sometimes you can be such an idiot. It's not like I'm going to make the mistake of calling Kaoru a violent uncute tomboy."

"Well, she can be that, you know," Ranma pointed out. "But given, you won't tell her that. I'm talking about those little bombs we guys make the mistake of letting loose. So just to be safe, whenever you can, say something good about her eyes, and her clothes and everything else you like about her. Heck, you can even embellish a little, just to make her go completely crazy with her ego."

"Women may be gentle and nurturing, but it doesn't mean we want to be treated like porcelain and let a man call the shots for us," Ukyo said. "We're not helpless, and we do not want men to think we are simpering and weak. We need help sometimes, but men have to understand that everyone needs help some time or another. It's not just the women, you know."

Akane nodded. "Women want to feel safe, not strangled."

"And for goodness sake, Kenshin," Sano told the former rurouni, dragging him by the collar to hurry them through the alley in stealth. "Be a little more dominating. Sometimes you act like such a girlfriend. When I heard you tell Jou-chan that her parasol goes well with her kimono, I just wanted to hit you over the head!"

Kenshin frowned. "That was meant as a compliment. You just told me women love compliments..."

"Damn! A compliment means telling Jou-chan her eyes rival the sparkle of the stars, or something like that. Not giving her fashion tips!" Sano hissed, ducking behind a barrel and pulling Kenshin down with him. "While you're at it, how about just go and tell her to 'get that adorable pink purse they sell at Raya's'." He had raised his voice to a girly pitch at the last phrase.

"Hey! This unworthy one resents that!" Kenshin exclaimed, clenching a fist.

"Then macho-up, man," Sano told him. "Girls like to be lorded over. It's that father-figure thing. Every girl's a daddy's girl. You want her to think you're the man. You're Mister Tough Guy. That while you're with them, they have a bad-ass boyfriend whom they can run to. Underneath all those mallets and spatulas and bokken, they're all just helpless little girls inside."

Kenshin smiled a little. "This unworthy one thinks Kaoru-dono feels secure enough and protected when I'm around."

Sano scoffed. "Sure, sure. That works, but you can't make her forget it. Remember: Badass."

"Sensitivity is the key," Kaoru told Yahiko who was seriously absorbing every word. "You have to listen with your heart. Sometimes, the things we women want men to pick-up on are not in the words we say, but what's in between them. We don't always say what we feel, so for the most part, it isn't obvious what we want. I repeat, you have to be sensitive. You have to listen."

Ranma waved off Ryouga's protest. "Women blab incessantly. Half the things they say don't mean nothing, so if you want to get through it without falling asleep, you gotta learn how to tune out for a while and pretend you're really interested in what they're saying. Don't be afraid that you'll miss something important. They're bound to tell you what it is again and again."

Ryouga gave Ranma a dubious look. "I don't know, Saotome. When I'm P-chan, Akane tells me stuff that are pretty important."

Ranma glared at him. "Don't even go there, Hibiki."

Ryouga gulped. "Sorry."

"Words make a whole lot of difference," Nabiki quipped. "Take Kuno for example. You don't want to sound like an idiot. He really goes overboard with the Shakespeare. Wit doesn't mean you have to spurt out poems and verses like a raving lunatic. Stick to sensible and honest. Mushy stuff has its place, but again, you must not use too much of it. Now, Ranma and Sanosuke are the exact opposite. Their colloquial eloquence is just plain grating to the ears. Perhaps Ranma had his flash of brilliance once or twice. How else could he have gotten Akane to marry him?"

"Hey!" Akane complained.

"But," Nabiki continued pointedly. "It's still better than Kuno's gobbledygook, because it's honest. Gritty and raw, yes, but honest. Used correctly, it can be endearing."

"Maybe you can learn a thing or two from that Kuno guy," Sano suggested, diving to the grimy ground.

"Oro! I'm not asking help from that idiot! Kaoru-dono doesn't respect him!" Kenshin exclaimed, dismayed within his neat-freak heart at the prospect of soiling his clothes.

Sano sighed. "But he's got the material! Women are suckers for poetry. Sure, Kuno may be overdoing it a little..."

"Did you feel that?" Kaoru asked her companions.

"What?" Nabiki asked.

Akane, Ukyo and Yahiko felt the air and nodded at the same time.

"Slight adjustment in the chi-field," Ukyo confirmed. "Like something...highly irregular just happened..."

"...but he's got some useful stuff going," Sano continued. "Besides, if you do it, it'll make a whole lot of difference."

"...Oop, it's gone," Ukyo said, the dead silence clearing. "Now where were we?"

Kenshin gave it some deep thought. "I don't know, Sano. Whenever Kuno does his thing, Kaoru gets this look on her face, like she was wiping something off her shoe..."

Sano sighed in exasperation. "Hello! Are you listening? It's Kuno she doesn't like. I'll bet you all of what I own..."

Kenshin thought with dismay that Sano had to be the worse gambler in these parts.

"...that if you're the one doing all of that archaic mumbo-jumbo, Jou-chan would be blushing and gushing like a..."

"...School girl," Ranma quipped.

"Kaoru doesn't seem to be the blushing and gushing type," Ryouga said, hauling his huge bundle of bandanas over the table where the kind drumbeater maker had told him to put it.

"Stupid! Don't you remember? Kaoru really went for that Midsummer Night's Dream thing," Ranma said. "In fact, I think we should snag a copy of that around here. I wonder if they have a library."

"These things we're telling you," Kaoru inserted. "You have to bear in mind that it doesn't mean that women can be boxed and stamped. Women are individuals. There may be similarities, but we shouldn't be indexed and catalogued. Every woman is different."

"Women are pretty standard," Sano and Ranma said from the far reaches of Edo. "Sometimes they're confusing, but most times, you've seen one, you've seen 'em all."

Kenshin and Ryouga gave pained groans. "If you say so..."

Part Two: Application

"You're all set, oinker," Ranma said, throwing the pouch of money towards Ryouga. "You got about a hundred of those money thingies in there. All you gotta do is give Nabiki her twenty percent and you're good to go."

Ryouga fiddled with the string of the pouch. "Now I just have to ask her out."

"Right."

The look of anxiety on Ryouga's face would have given anyone an ulcer. "How the hell am I suppose to do that without making a fool of myself?"

Ranma rolled his eyes around and pulled his friend towards the direction of the house. "Haven't you been listening? I just gave you the basics. Use all that to get her to say yes!"

"How can she say yes when I couldn't even find the courage to ask the question?" Ryouga implored, already making an off-course turn.

Ranma grabbed Ryouga's collar before he wandered off again. "Just ask it! Damn! You can be such a moron!"

Ryouga gave him an irritated glare. "You know what, why don't you tell me about the first time you asked Akane out. I bet you were blubbering all over the place!"

"I wasn't blubbering!" Ranma snapped, clenching a fist. "I just maybe stammered a bit..."

"Ha!"

"But I managed it, didn't I?" Ranma said loftily. "And I didn't get any kind of encouragement whatsoever. Hell, Ucchan, Kodachi and Shampoo were enough to discourage anyone, but I asked her out anyway. You got it easy. All you have to put up with is Kenshin."

Ryouga scoffed. "Shyeah. Scar faced killer of the Boshin Civil Wars."

"Don't let Kaoru hear you say that," Ranma warned. "She'll skin you alive. Besides, Himura's a war hero. His battle scars are way too cool to take against him."

"Ranma."

"Yeah?"

"Why don't you just put up a Hitokiri Battousai Fan Club right over there?"

Ranma fumed in silence for about a second then he began to speak. "Idiot! When are you going to get it into your head that Kenshin is a rival to be taken seriously? The guy actually deserves respect. If it wasn't for him, you and I would probably be serving in the imperial army, and the girls would be concubines for the emperor, or something."

"Real socio-analytical, Ranma," Ryouga said sarcastically.

"Are you hearing me?"

Ryouga sighed. "Yes, yes, I hear you. It's just that I forget being afraid of him when I remember he's after Kaoru too. I think he's just going after her to spite me. After all, he never treated Kaoru as anything more than a friend, and he actually calls her Kaoru-dono..."

"Keep telling yourself that," Ranma muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing. Listen, I don't think he's doing it just to spite you," Ranma said frankly. "I think you sort of provoked him to take some action. This is a good thing, actually."

Ryouga looked at Ranma quizzically. "Could you repeat that? I thought I heard you say this is a good thing."

"It is a good thing. It means he considers you a threat," Ranma surmised. "So, maybe you can make the legendary Hitokiri Battousai quake in his sandals for once. Ask Kaoru out. Just do it. Don't think about it, just do it."

"Just like that?"

Ranma frowned at him impatiently. "Well, how the hell do you wanna do it? Leading a grand parade? Jeez!"

Ryouga gave a hopeless sigh. "Fine. You're right. I shouldn't make such a big deal out of this. I mean, the worse thing she can do is turn me down, and I think I can deal with that..."

"Yeah, with a Bakusai ten ketsu," Ranma muttered.

"What?"

"Nothin'."

"Sano, this is ridiculous!" Kenshin said as they charged into Sano's one room pad while the ex-gangster slammed the door shut behind them. "Shampoo-dono will find you if she wants to. I see no point in hiding."

"Look, I don't have to wave myself in her face, do I?" Sano said. "Were you even listening to Ranma's story?" He gave a shudder at the remembrance.

Kenshin sniggered. "I wonder what Megumi-dono would do to you if she found you naked in bed with Shampoo-dono."

Sano frowned and grabbed his stock of sake from his hiding place and two saucers. "It ain't funny."

"I am sorry," Kenshin said. "The gravity of the situation hasn't sunk in on me yet, it seems. But frankly, thinking about your predicament, my troubles don't seem all that bad."

Sano slammed the sake jar down and they could hear the liquid sloshing inside. Damn rurouni. Bad enough I got engaged to some amazon chick and that Megumi dumped me even before she had something to dump, if I have to lose my money to that bet I made with Nabiki, I'd be convinced the gods are against me. "There you go again. Taking things for granted! Look, my problems are my problems. I'll figure something out. You got to focus on your goals, man."

Kenshin declined the sake Sano offered him and gave a ponderous nod. "This unworthy one isn't taking things for granted, that is the truth. In fact, I'm thinking of asking Kaoru-dono out for dinner tonight."

Sano nodded eagerly and sipped his sake. "Good, good. You do that. Just stick to the things I told you and you'll be fine."

A troubled look crossed Kenshin's face. "Are you sure those are the right things to do?"

"Have I been wrong about women before?"

Kenshin turned red trying not to reply to his question.

Sano realized what Kenshin was thinking and grimaced. "Alright. Wrong question, but you gotta admit, what I told you shed some light into the unknown, right?"

"Unknown...?" Kenshin wanted to give a groan of reluctance. Kaoru didn't seem so "unknown" until Sano started telling him all those things. Where before she was an enigma, now she was a freaking mystery of the universe. He was now more confused than ever. Well, I'll just have to hope that Sano knows what he's talking about.

Ranma and Ryouga arrived at the Kamiya dojo and heard Yahiko counting out loud to a series of swings. All they could see was Genma-panda sleeping in the tree and Kuno coming out of his coma.

"Hey Kuno, how's that bump on your head? Coming along fine?" Ranma asked him with a sneer.

Kuno glared at him and wobbled to his feet. "You mock my pain, Saotome."

"You deserve whatever it is you got, Tatewaki. Where do you get off trying to kiss Kaoru like that?" Ryouga scolded him.

"The love that coat mine lips shall free the soul of Kamiya Kaoru from the vile clutches of Saotome's spell," Kuno said, facing them in a pompous stance.

Ranma raised his eyebrow and smirked. "What fairy tale did you get that from, Idiot-sempai?"

Kuno clenched a fist. "The purity of my being can fight evil in any form..."

"Yadda, yadda, yadda," said Ranma wearily. "I swear, you're so damn annoying."

This did nothing to better Kuno's mood.

"Hey, you hungry?" Ranma asked Kuno.

Kuno frowned. "When hast mine welfare been thine concern, Saotome?"

"Well, fine. If you don't want any of the leftover miso, it's nothing to me," Ranma said casually, heading to the kitchen. "Starve for all I care. Now I can have all that delicious, hot and flavorful soup all to myself..."

Kuno's stomach growled and he jumped a bit in realizing that he could do away with the challenges for the meantime. "Er...perhaps I can break bread with you at this moment," he said, following Ranma awkwardly.

"Go check on the girls for me, will ya Ryouga?" Ranma told him, jerking his head to the dojo.

Ryouga caught on. He should ask Kaoru out now, while Kuno was busy feeding himself.

He nodded and headed off. Time to face the music.

Akane, Nabiki and Ukyo looked up at the sound of Ryouga appearing at the dojo door. He looked nervous, and by the way he kept his eyes on Kaoru, they could tell that something was going to happen.

Kaoru was too busy with Yahiko to notice Ryouga. "That's good Yahiko. Four more of those and we're done for the day."

Yahiko finished his swings, bowed to his sensei then collapsed to his knees, sweat breaking out of his pores.

Kaoru smiled at him. "Good work! I think we learned a lot today, ne?"

Yahiko nodded and tried to smile through his gasps.

"Umm..." Ryouga began.

Kaoru turned at the sound of his voice and gave him a smile. "Hey Ryouga. Did you get your errands done?"

Ryouga froze up. How can she smile at a time like this! She shouldn't! She should just...

"Hey, Ryouga, you okay?" Nabiki asked him.

Ryouga tried to control his heart as it went full throttle. "Y-Yeah. I was just...er..."

"Take charge. Exert yourself. Girls like that in a guy," came Ranma's words in his mind.

Ryouga took a deep breath and steadied himself. "Can I talk to you for a second, Kaoru-chan? Outside?"

Worry crossed Kaoru's face. He sounded so serious. Something must be wrong. Placing her bokken on its mount, she made a motion to go outside with him. "Sure Ryouga-kun. Is there a problem?"

When they were outside, Ryouga's eyes darted to the others, warning them to keep their business to themselves. He knew it wasn't going to do much to deter them, but he could at least get his two cents in.

He pulled Kaoru out, putting a considerable distance between them and the dojo.

Kaoru was beginning to feel frightened. What was so terrible that Ryouga didn't want the others to hear? Gods! Has something happened to Kenshin and Sano? Had Mousse chanced upon them and managed to kill them both? "Ryouga? For heaven's sake, tell me what's wrong!" She cried, clutching him by the shoulders.

Ryouga blushed at the contact and tried not to faint. "Er...it's nothing like that. Nothing bad has happened."

Kaoru sighed in relief, letting him go. "Mou! For a minute there I was sure you were going to tell me --"

"Have dinner with me tonight?" He asked. He had intended it to sound commanding, and assured, like Ranma had advised, but he couldn't help but tone it down. He couldn't exactly bring himself to boss her around.

Kaoru blinked upon hearing his words, processing it in her brain. Ryouga's...asking me out? He's asking me out on a date? What's going on?

"Please?" He added shamefacedly.

It dawned on Kaoru. He was asking her out on a real date, just the two of them. I never knew he liked me like that. I mean, we were always friends. Well, maybe not at the start, but he has become a good friend and...mou! These men are so damn unpredictable! Maybe she shouldn't. After all, she was...she was what? Involved? She wasn't exactly...Kenshin you moron!

What the hell. It's not like she had a very exciting love life. She wasn't even sure Kenshin had any feelings for her. If there's one thing she learned in the future, it's that girls shouldn't wait around for something to happen to them. If they wanted action, they should just go out and look for it. Maybe it's time she started exploring her options. Ryouga's pretty cute, anyway.

Heck, he's really easy on the eyes. And those fangs are just to die for, right?

Oh, stop kidding yourself! You want Kenshin! That redhead whose gaze could make you all jello-ee inside.

No, I can't say yes to Ryouga. Even if that idiot samurai wouldn't get off his butt, you can wait, right?

Like forever, you can wait.

A vision of a mummified bitter old maid holding a bokken while she waited on the porch came to mind. Then there was Cologne standing on her stick nearby, telling her to quit waiting for the rurouni to come back from his wanderings because bingo was about to start in the function hall.

Yaaaaaargh! I don't wanna be like that! "Dinner would be nice, Ryouga," she said a bit hollowly.

Ryouga's eyes widened. "It would?"

"Yes. I'll be ready around seven. Is that okay?"

Ryouga nodded. "Yes, yes. That's fine. Till then?"

She smiled at him. "Till then. Don't get lost."

He watched her walk off to the house, his feet refusing to move. When it finally registered that she had agreed, he felt something inside him going 'boom!'.

"Eee-yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" He jumped and did a victory dance all by himself, then he called out to Ranma. He didn't want to get lost, and he needed Ranma's help to get around.

He had a date with an angel, and he intended to show up for it.

Yahiko frowned, hearing the conversation that took place. Stupid hag! What did you go and do that for?

Kenshin has to know about this. He's gotta know Ryouga's making moves on Kaoru!

Yahiko picked himself from off the bushes when Ranma fetched Ryouga and rushed out of the gates. He wasn't sure where he would find Kenshin, but he could look through a few places before asking around. He headed straight for Sano's place. It was sort of like the meeting place of the boys after all.

His quick feet got him to the grimy district in record time, and coming upon Sano's house, he flung the shoji door open without even announcing himself.

"Oro!" Came Kenshin's exclamation from his seat on the floor. Sano was seated across from him, sipping a saucer of sake.

"Dammit! When you gonna get some manners, Yahiko?" Sano demanded, his speech already a bit slurred from the alcohol.

Yahiko caught his breath as he tumbled into the room. "Kaoru..." he began with a gasp, clutching the sleeve of Kenshin's gi.

Kenshin reacted immediately, springing to his feet in an instant. "What happened to Kaoru-dono? Is she hurt? Has someone kidnapped her? Did Enishi come back? What? WHAT?!?!"

Yahiko shook his head each time Kenshin suggested an answer. Damn! If I could just speak! "Worse..."

"Oh my God!" Kenshin cried. "What could be worse than that?"

Yahiko swallowed and finally found the voice to be coherent. "Ryouga asked her out. She...said yes."

Kenshin stared at Yahiko, dumbstruck at the news. Kidnapping, he could handle, but this...this was the nightmare he could not wake up from. A faint memory of Sohjiro Seta's nameless grin came to his mind. Quite unconsciously, Kenshin began to get a sick smile on his face. Smile through the pain...

Yahiko saw the smile for what it was and growled, "Get a hold of yourself, Kenshin!" He yelled, slapping Kenshin clear across the face.

"Oro!" Kenshin cried, snapping out of his stupor and gathering his scattered senses. "I can't believe she said yes!"

Sano stood up and sauntered to the door. "Yep. That's what taking things for granted gets you."

Kenshin groaned and his shoulders drooped in misery.

Sano turned to Kenshin and Yahiko in irritation. "Well? Don't just stand there. We gotta get back to the dojo."

"Right!" Yahiko cried, rushing out.

"Not like that!" Sano hissed, grabbing Yahiko by his collar and pulling him down to the ground.

Sano skulked and looked from left to right before taking a fist full of Kenshin's gi. Playing the worse ninja anyone has ever seen, he dragged Kenshin and Yahiko all the way back to the dojo.

"So, lost boy finally got his nerve," Nabiki remarked while Kaoru scrutinized her face on the hand held mirror.

Ukyo laughed. "I'll say. I wonder what I accidentally put in the Okonomiyaki this morning."

"Ooh. He was never so bold with me," Akane said, holding up a pretty purple and blue kimono with subtle Sakura prints in white. "This would look nice on you."

Kaoru looked and an odd expression crossed her face. She smiled slightly and shook her head. "It would, but it doesn't feel right for this." It was the kimono she had been wearing when Kenshin said goodbye to her for Kyoto. She couldn't bring herself to wear it for a date with Ryouga.

Akane knew better than to pry. "Well, this one is almost as nice." She held up a pink and peach one, matched with a white obi.

Kaoru nodded. 'That'll do. Now what am I going to do with my hair?"

Everyone fussed over her. They liked projects of this kind, especially Akane who was more than happy to be the one to doll someone up, for a change. For the past four years, she had been the center of attention when it came to dressing up and getting ready for dates, and weddings...

Nabiki wanted Kaoru to look perfect. Ryouga must confess his love to her tonight. She could almost see the ancient coins of Sano in the palm of her hand. Which reminded her, she had a commission to collect...

Ukyo never had a chance to have such girlie fun before. It had always been boy games, and boy activities. This was strangely enjoyable. Something she had never done before. And maybe one day, she would be the one sitting in front of the mirror...

Nabiki brought out her battery-powered radio and played some U2 to set the mood.

In the midst of their giggling and teasing, a faint knock came on Kaoru's door.

Kaoru laughed as Ukyo tried to apply some lipstick on her lips with an enormous amount of effort. "Come in," she chimed.

The door opened and they beheld Kenshin, panting slightly as if he had been running.

The girls looked at each other in question and shrugged before Kaoru spoke again.

"What's up?" She asked.

Kenshin had to first get over the initial shock of seeing Kaoru's hair cascading down her shoulders and brushing her cheeks in sultry curls because it had previously been held up with a ribbon. Then he had to figure out where that weird music was coming from. None of them were visibly singing, and it was a man's voice too. Finally, he had to wrestle with the realization that he had absolutely no idea why he had barged in on them. It's not like he could tell Kaoru to cancel that infernal date she had with Pig-boy.

"K-Kaoru-dono," was all he could say.

Nabiki smiled mischievously and somehow turned up the volume of the song. It was All I Want Is You.

Ukyo and Akane sputtered into giggles.

Kaoru glared at them and turned back to Kenshin. "What is it, Kenshin?"

Kenshin found the sense to speak. "This...this unworthy one would like to speak to you in private, if you'll allow..."

Kaoru sniffed audibly before rising to her feet. "Excuse me girls. Kenshin wants to talk to me." She ignored more of the giggles that followed as she stepped out of the room and closed the door. "Yes, Kenshin?"

Kenshin fidgeted in his tabi and squared his shoulders to find some measure of steadiness. "This unworthy one would...this unworthy one would like to," his voice squeaked at the last word, and the muted laughter from behind the shoji door told him that it had not gone unnoticed.

Shit! Why do I always have to go puberty-ridden when I'm asking her out?

Kaoru waited for him, raising an eyebrow in anticipation. The last time his voice cracked, he had invited her to a tour of Edo.

He coughed a few times before continuing. "This unworthy one seems to be coming down with something, Umm...I was hoping you would have dinner with...me?"

The widening of her eyes and her sudden blush discomforted him a little.

"Kenshin...I can't tonight," she said, suppressing a groan of disappointment. "I have other plans."

Kenshin nodded and did not flinch. "This unworthy one knows. You're going out with Ba--Ryouga, yes?"

"I am," Kaoru replied softly.

"This unworthy one was thinking of tomorrow night," he continued. "If you would accept."

Something like a glimmer came to Kaoru's eyes. She smiled and cocked her head to the side. Omigod! He actually asked me out! On a real date! Yes! Ooh! Finally! Kenshin you idiot! What took you so long?

"Of course I would accept, Kenshin," she said calmly. "I can't wait to have you."

"What?"

Kaoru wanted to scream. I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID THAT! "I can't wait to have you for dinner!" She corrected herself. SHIT! F%$! "Can't wait to have dinner! With you! Can't wait to have dinner with you!"

"Th-This unworthy one is looking forward to it as well," he said, a bit flustered.

Kaoru wanted to die on the spot. Of course, God was not that merciful. With her cheeks flaming, she felt like going into Anything Goes School of Martial Arts mode: Take off in a fast run. "I have to go, Kenshin. I'll see you later, okay?"

He nodded mutely as she fled back into her room. The loud laughter than came from inside made him smile. These future girls are so lively. I hope they stick around.

Without a trace of anything perverted or anything that might make Kaoru's father turn in his grave, Kenshin gave a rurouni smile to himself and whispered, "I can't wait to have you too, Kaoru-dono."

Part Three: Terminal Application

Kenshin saw Ryouga being escorted by Ranma to Kaoru's bedroom door. The Pig-boy had done away with his yellow bandana and he was wearing a strange, western-like outfit. It looked a little baggy, unlike the stiff, fitting clothes of Saitoh Hajime. He also clutched a small bouquet of flowers in his hand: Jasmines.

"This is my stop. Good luck pal," Ranma said to Ryouga, sauntering off and avoiding Kenshin's eyes. He could tell that Battousai was very displeased, judging by the deadly way he sat with the hilt of his sword resting on his shoulder.

Ryouga loosened his shoulders by shaking them a bit and raised his knuckle to knock on Kaoru's door.

Before he could, Kenshin spoke, "P-chan, you better take good care of her. Or else I'll take care of you."

Ryouga swallowed his fear and did not feel like honoring it with a response. He tried to knock again.

"Do you hear me?" Kenshin continued. "If she comes home upset, in any context, I will personally marinate you in soy sauce."

Ryouga cleared his throat. "Kaoru is safe with me, Kenshin..."

A growl rose out of Kenshin.

"...sama," Ryouga finished. Damn that Hitokiri. If he wasn't so f#$%ing terrifying...He hurriedly knocked on the wood of the shoji to avoid any bloodshed that might take place.

The door slid open and both men were surprised when Akane, Nabiki and Ukyo stepped out instead.

"Umm, where's Kaoru?" Ryouga asked.

Akane jerked her head towards the room. "She's inside, putting the finishing touches to her look." She gave Ryouga a critical once-over. "Not bad. What do you think, Nabiki?"

Nabiki nodded. "Nice pants. Dockers?"

Ryouga fidgeted. "Uh...yeah."

Nabiki looked at Ukyo. "At least he knows where to shop. Kaoru's date has sense."

"I'm sure he'll be a wonderful date, hon," Ukyo replied, discussing as if Ryouga wasn't there. "And I'm certain he'll treat Kaoru properly. Hmm?" She shot a look at him.

Ryouga jerked, realizing he was being addressed. "O-Of course."

Kenshin snickered to himself at the scene.

Akane raised an eyebrow amidst her innocent smile. "You can look, but you can't touch. Right?"

Ryouga's heart thudded against his rib cage. He could sense a nosebleed coming, but he sniffed as if his life depended on it and stopped the flow. "Right."

"Where are you taking her?" Nabiki asked him sternly.

"Uh..."

"Speak up!"

Yeesh! Where the hell's Kaoru when I need her? He thought desperately. "The Akabeko..."

Nabiki nodded in approval again. "Good restaurant, I've heard. You seemed to have come across some money, Hibiki."

Ryouga acted on instinct. "I'll -- I'll give you your commission later, Nabiki."

All three pairs of eyes bore him down, shrinking him to microscopic size.

"Eep! Is Kaoru--"

"Kaoru will be out in a moment," Akane said. "Now I want her back by ten, alright?"

"Ten. Got it," Ryouga promised wholeheartedly.

Akane grinned. "And you better not be late, or...oops! Where did that come from?" A tanto cluttered to the floor, its blade gleaming in the moonlight. Akane picked it up. She swung it around expertly for a few seconds and looked at Ryouga. "Don't you think this is a superb tanto? Kaoru lent it to me, for tonight."

Ryouga gulped, having no idea whether Akane could actually wield the thing properly, but he wasn't going to put it past her. "It's great."

Kenshin chortled from his seat. He was enjoying himself immensely. He was probably going to get the same treatment when his turn came, but right now, he had a right mind to sit back and watch the fireworks.

"People," chimed a welcome voice from behind them.

Ryouga's sigh or relief and Kenshin's laughter was cut short by the sight of Kaoru.

She had her pink and peach kimono ensemble. Her hair had been put up in a half-pony tail, with small braids going down the cascade. Her face had been made perfect with something, known to the girls as Mac lipstick and Mac powder. She looked gorgeous.

Ryouga had to compose himself before he started drooling.

Kenshin was holding down a storm of jealousy. How is Ryouga supposed to keep his hands to himself if she looks likes that? My God! She's so beautiful! Oh, just let him try! Just let him try! I'll be on him like a ton of bricks! Kaoru, I will avenge thee...! He hit himself over the head. If he started thinking like Kuno right now, he'd really fly off the hook.

"K-Kaoru, you look..." Ryouga began, at a loss for words.

Kaoru smiled at him as she stepped out. She did not wait for him to finish. "Thanks. Are those for me?"

For a moment, her words didn't register, and then he remembered the flowers. "Um, yeah." He handed them to her.

"They're very pretty," Kaoru said. "Ucchan, would you mind putting these in water?"

"Of course not, honey," Ukyo said. "Now go and have fun. Remember Ryouga..."

"How could I forget?" Ryouga muttered, gesturing for Kaoru to lead the way. "Proper...ten...or else, soy sauce." He had gotten the threats a little mixed up.

Hmph! Don't you forget it, Bacon-breath, Kenshin thought venomously.

The girls decided not to delve into his confusing words.

Kaoru gave her good byes to everyone and walked out of the gates with Ryouga in tow.

The three girls watching collapsed in laughter, holding their sides as they did.

"Do you prefer I cook dinner tonight, Ukyo-dono?" Kenshin suddenly asked.

Ukyo smiled "I'll be fine, Kenshin-honey, but if you--"

Kenshin was gone in a flash. Where he went, they couldn't tell, but Nabiki found it unsettling. If he followed the couple and got in the way of anything, she wasn't going to win her bet with Sano. She better make sure Kenshin doesn't do anything.

"I have something to do, minna. Don't wait up for me," Nabiki said hastily, rushing off to find Ranma.

Akane and Ukyo looked at each other and shrugged.

Tae met Kaoru at the entrance of the Akabeko and smiled. "Welcome!" She exclaimed, bowing graciously. "Will you and Himura-san be -- oh!" She was caught off guard upon seeing that Kaoru was not with Kenshin but with her other friend from yesterday.

Tsubame, who had been ready to greet her dear Kenshin-san, shuddered at the alternative pair. She felt like bursting into tears. She could not handle these irregularities.

"Nope," Kaoru said, trying to live through her blush. "It's me and Ryouga-kun this time."

Tae smiled anyway. "Of course. Right this way, Kaoru-chan."

Ryouga tried not to be so affected by Tae's error.

They were ushered to a table, and Tae's good soul (or evil one, depending on ones perception) saw it fit to give them a place that was usually given to couples who would appreciate some privacy.

Ryouga had to summon all his self-control not to bite his nails. As Kaoru went into a casual conversation about the menu, Ryouga began to recall the things Ranma had told him. Don't dilly-dally...flattery at every chance...lord over her...pretend to listen but take notes on some important stuff...poetry...standard. Got it!

"Ryouga? I asked what you thought of chicken teriyaki," Kaoru said, nudging him.

Ryouga blinked and tried to collect himself. "P-Perfect, Kaoru-chan. They bring out the sapphire of your eyes."

Kaoru stared at him uncertainly for a moment then tried to smile. "Er, thanks, I think."

Ryouga felt like hitting himself. Since when did the brown of teriyaki go well with the blue of her eyes? When will it ever? Oh man! "I mean..." he continued, trying to salvage the situation. "It's not the teriyaki, per se. It's just that I can't stop thinking about how beautiful your eyes are, so anything I see reminds me of them..." Ooh! That was so lame, Romeo!

"That's very nice of you to say, I think," she said, uncertain again. Ryouga was acting very strange. "Maybe the eel would be better, you think?"

Be the man. "Chicken teriyaki would be good," Ryouga said in an authoritative voice. "You'll like its sweetness. Yes, I think you would." He realized inwardly that he had rhymed. Well, that's poetry for you...

So odd..."I'll go for the eel. You can order teriyaki if you want," Kaoru said.

Ryouga nodded, shutting his trap. That didn't go as planned, but that's okay. Could've gone worse. He called over the waitress and was about to give their orders in a crisp, commanding tone when Kaoru started giving the orders herself. It didn't take long for her to finish.

"Will that be all?" Asked the young waitress.

Kaoru nodded and smiled. "Yes, Tsubame-chan."

Tsubame gave them both a shy grin and skittered off to relay their orders to the kitchen.

Oookay, that didn't go as planned either, but it still could have been worse.

It was at that point that Kaoru began to talk about things. Being in Edo, comparing it with Nerima, etc., etc. Ryouga found himself listening, and thank goodness he forgot Ranma's advice about drifting off to a different world. It was the first thing on the date he got right.

Yahiko and Sano didn't like being dragged around by the scruff of their necks in the dark of night. They didn't like leaving the comfort of their homes to spy. And they didn't like it that Kenshin was beginning to look like an assassin right out of the pages of the Boshin Civil Wars, watching for an opportunity to slash his next victim.

Kenshin led them to crouch underneath the window of the Akabeko. With his menacing eyes (thank the gods they haven't gone gold yet), he peered into the restaurant and scanned the faces inside it. He was quick to spot Kaoru and Ryouga. Kaoru was talking, and Ryouga listened in rapt silence. He spoke occasionally, but most likely just to respond to something she had said.

"There they are," Kenshin murmured.

Two more sets of eyes peered with him.

After a few minutes of silence, Yahiko spoke, "Well, that's that, I guess. Nothing happening here. I think I'll go back to bed."

Both Kenshin and Sano pulled him back down. They began to head to the back of the restaurant stealthily and dragged a kicking Yahiko by the arms.

"What -- What are you going to do to me?" Yahiko asked in panic.

"You're going in there to work," Kenshin told him.

"B-But it's not my shift!" Yahiko protested, grunting against them.

Sano sneered. "Then make it your shift! Do me a favor and spill something on the guy."

Yahiko paled as the back door of the Akabeko came into view. Spill...silver box...my ass is grass..."No! I won't do it! I won't do it!" He yelled, struggling harder than ever.

"Hold still you little menace!" Sano said. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I am not going to do anything!" Yahiko insisted, making a motion to bite Sano's hand.

"Hey! Watch it!"

The elder men managed to toss Yahiko into the kitchen where they were certain either Tsubame or Tae would spot him. They dove back into the shadows right after.

Yahiko was about to scramble through the door when Tsubame appeared just in time.

"Yahiko-kun! What are you doing here? Your shift is done!" Tsubame said, blushing behind her dishrag.

Yahiko righted himself and tried to regain his composure. "I -- I got bored at home. Thought you might need some help."

"Thank you, Yahiko-kun. We will appreciate your help. The restaurant's unusually busy tonight," she said. "And do you know what? Kaoru-chan is in there with another man."

Yahiko nodded. "I know. His name's Ryouga. House guest."

Tsubame's eyes widened. "Oh? What does Himura-san think?"

"That idiot didn't know what hit him," Yahiko said loudly. He could almost hear Kenshin saying Ooh! I'll get you for that, Yahiko-chan. "Well, anyway, we better get inside. Lots of customers to serve."

Yahiko didn't want to spill anything on Ryouga. Kaoru would see right through it and she would call manners-patrol on the double. It was too much to ask of him, but as a favor to Kenshin, he had added a generous dose of chili powder into Ryouga's teriyaki, just to make him sputter a little and perhaps spit some food on Kaoru's kimono.

Kaoru was surprised to see him, saying that she thought she knew Yahiko's restaurant shift by heart. When Yahiko said that Tsubame had requested that he help out, Kaoru accepted his explanation and got on with her date.

Man, I hope Kenshin appreciates this.

How can I eat when I am faced with such beauty? Ryouga thought wistfully, staring at Kaoru with woebegone eyes. She kept on talking animatedly while starting with her eel dish and he was barely aware that he was taking some teriyaki from his plate.

Absentmindedly, he put some food into his mouth and chewed.

His eyes grew wide. Hot! Hot! Hot! And he gagged.

The piece of meat got lodged in his throat and he couldn't breath.

"Gurk!" Ryouga choked, trying to find a way to get the chicken out of his breathing passage.

Kaoru was too busy talking and picking at her eel to notice him turning red with exertion.

He clutched at his throat in silent panic and tried to tell her he was choking.

"...then Sano told him to blah, blah, blah..."

Ryouga could feel his eyesight growing dark and he finally decided to grab hold of Kaoru's sleeve.

His hand promptly landed on one of her breasts, complete with a squeeze.

Kaoru stopped talking, looked at his hand, and shrieked to the high heavens. "PERVERRRRT!"

"HE'S FINISHED!!!!" Kenshin screamed, ready to jump through the window and beat Ryouga to a nameless pulp.

Sano, his eyes more objective, grabbed Kenshin with all his strength. He had seen Ryouga struggling for air and knew that if Kenshin didn't kill him, the chicken teriyaki would. "Dammit! He's choking! He's asking help from Jou-chan!"

It took several seconds for Kenshin to accept this, and his struggling stopped when they heard a crash from inside the restaurant

Ryouga careened into the wall right beside their window, and Kenshin saw the cursed bite size lump of meat fly out of his mouth. When Ryouga fell, he was gasping for air.

Kaoru saw the chicken, and she realized how horribly mistaken she had been. Her face crumpled into sympathy and wretchedness. "Oh, Ryouga! I'm so sorry! I -- I didn't know! I wasn't thinking! Oh, are you alright?" She rushed to him, crouching down to rub his back with her palm to ease his breathing.

Ryouga nodded and tried to smile. "Th-Thank you," he rasped. "You saved my life, Kaoru-chan. Pardon me if I --"

Kaoru waved off his apologies. "It's alright. I was the idiot. Besides, your nose isn't bleeding, so I know you didn't do it intentionally," she said with a giggle.

"You're -- You're so kind to me, Kaoru-chan," Ryouga said, blushing.

She helped him up and let him lean on her all the way back to the table. Tae, Tsubame and Yahiko assured the crowd that everything was all right, that there had just been a little mishap that no one need worry about.

Kaoru and Ryouga sat back down and she had him drink a few glasses of water before getting back to dinner. When he was completely recovered, she smiled at him fondly and moved her plate to the center. "We'll share this eel, yes?"

Ryouga gave her an appreciative smile.

In the shadows, the growling continued, but there would be no more attacks for the next hour or so.

Nabiki and Ranma gave sighs of relief from the other side of the restaurant. They had been so sure that Ryouga was a goner, because of both Kaoru and Kenshin, but fate had been kind. The choking escapade was perhaps the best thing to happen.

Dinner went more smoothly after the initial fuss, after which Ryouga brought her to a respectable teahouse for some more light chatter. Kaoru noted that the date was inclined to be modern, as in 1991 modern: Dinner and then tea afterwards. She liked its simplicity.

It didn't take long for them to decide to head home. It was almost ten o'clock by the watch Ryouga kept handy, and he wasn't going to take Akane's threat for granted.

As they headed home, Ryouga quietly mustered his courage for his big confession.

"Oro!" Kenshin cried as he collided full bodied into something that felt like a rock.

"Shit! What the hell!"

Kenshin and Sano looked up to find Ranma and Nabiki staring down at their crouched forms.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Sano demanded of them.

Ranma frowned, making an effort not to seem so threatening. "Trying to make sure you don't ruin it for my friend! He almost bought it in the restaurant a while ago."

"Well, he put his slimy hands on her, he did!" Kenshin argued.

"He was choking!" Ranma returned.

Kenshin simmered into silence, muttering something about pulverizing Ryouga anyway.

"Well, anyway, we shouldn't get in their way," Nabiki said. "They're having a good time and I can't even begin to tell you what Kaoru will do to you if she finds out you're spying, Kenshin."

Kenshin turned a little red.

"And you, Sanosuke," Nabiki began, crossing her arms over her chest. "Am I sensing some interference? Can you say forfeit?"

Sano was up in arms at once. "Hey! Kenshin was the one who dragged me here!"

Kenshin looked at Sano. "Forfeit what, Sano, if I may ask?"

"Nothing!" Sano said hastily. "We better get going, Kenshin. They're passing by that firefly pond as we speak!"

His announcement worked like a charm, and all four of them, arguing in hushed voices, tracked the doomed couple.

Genma crouched in the tree in human form, grunting and muttering that it was so much easier if he was a panda. He had already seen Kaoru and Ryouga pass by. They looked cozy. That was a good thing. It meant that there was a possibility for Pig-boy to pucker up, and he'd be damned if he let the whole lot of kids destroy that opportunity. Nabiki has won over him one too many times.

When Kaoru and Ryouga were at a safe distance, he dropped from the tree and fell right in front of the foursome that followed.

"Where do you think you're all going?" Genma asked them, adjusting his glasses.

"Pop? What're you doin' here?" Ranma asked him in wonder.

"Protecting my interests," Genma said, more pointedly to Nabiki. Nabiki glared at him but did not admonish him for what he was doing. It wasn't like interfering. He was simply making sure that everything went its natural course.

Kenshin did not look happy, but he wasn't about to start attacking the guy. "I am very sorry, Genma-dono, but I cannot let you get in my way. I have to protect Kaoru-dono."

Genma crossed his arms over his chest. "Your Kaoru-dono is safe with Ryouga. Ryouga is an honorable young man and he wouldn't do anything that might compromise Kaoru's virtue in any way."

Ranma fidgeted uncomfortably. He wasn't used to seeing his father do something he approved of. Somehow, he felt that he had to start a fight or something. This was highly irregular.

"I give you my word she will be safe," Genma told him.

Kenshin controlled his emotions. "You will pardon me if I don't take your word for it. Ryouga may be honorable in general, but there are things about him which makes me question his honor, in particular."

Ranma flinched. He couldn't argue with that.

"What are you planning to do?" Genma asked him, raising an eyebrow.

Kenshin frowned but conceded to telling him. "Just watch at a safe distance. Make sure she'll be alright."

Genma fell silent for a few moments, then he nodded. "Fine. We'll all watch, but nothing more unless Kaoru screams bloody murder. Agreed?"

Kenshin looked at Sano who nodded.

"Agreed," Kenshin said, letting Genma lead the way.

Nabiki leaned over to whisper in Ranma's ear. "Shees. You'd think they were negotiating an international peace treaty or something."

Ranma cocked a smile.

They headed up the tree Genma had come from and all of them managed to clamber up its branches. From where they sat, they can see Kaoru and Ryouga standing by the pond.

Kenshin wondered why they had stopped walking and gathered all his willpower not to charge headlong into the scene. If he could help it, he would stay out of sight. Nabiki was right after all. If Kaoru found out he was trailing her and Ryouga, she'd never forgive him.

"What is it, Ryouga?" Kaoru asked, wondering why they had to stop.

Ryouga looked like he was ready to melt right into the ground beneath him. He seemed to be struggling to say something and he was constantly rubbing his palms on his pants.

His hands were sweaty, and he didn't know if he could go through with it, but he had to. He had promised himself that he would tell her tonight. That way, he could actually start to woo her if he needed to.

"Um...Kaoru-chan, it's like this," he began. Shape up! This isn't a state of the nation address. Just tell her. "We've been good friends, right?" Oh hell. Just do what you think is right.

Kaoru smiled at him. "Oh yes. Good friends!"

Ryouga nodded and cleared his throat. "Right. So, I was hoping...that is...I'm wondering..."

Kaoru waited.

"What are they talking about?" Kenshin asked anxiously.

Nabiki wanted to know herself. She picked into her backpack and pulled out a miniature receiver. It looked like a dish, with spikes. She attached it to a small speaker, flipping the switch and recorder.

Ryouga's voice came through. "We've been good friends, right?"

"Oh yes. Good friends!" Was Kaoru's reply.

Throat clearing, then, "Right. So, I was hoping...that is...I'm wondering..."

Kenshin clenched his teeth. So did Sano, for an entirely different reason. His money was slowly slipping from his fingers.

"Nihao airen! You miss Shampoo?" Somebody suddenly whispered in his ear.

"Gak!" Sano exclaimed, shocked out of his skin. Where had she come from? How in hell did she sneak up on them without any of them noticing?

Sano struggled vehemently to get away and the tree shook.

Everyone else in the tree started complaining as Shampoo tried to snake her way into Sano's arms.

"Airen take Shampoo out on date, yes?" She squealed delightedly, working her way through the leaves and branches.

"Gyaaa!" Sano grunted, flailing his arms about.

"Hey! Watch the equipment!" Nabiki cried.

"Kaoru," Ryouga said with resolve. "I love you."

"Ryouga!" Kaoru exclaimed.

"F%&$in' A!" Sano cursed, Genma pinning him down, but he hardly gave a damn. He had just lost the bet.

Kenshin was ready to go ballistic on the spot and he added to the chaos by trying to wretch free of the press of bodies.

"Calm down everyone!" Ranma cried, his foot tangling with Kenshin's hakama.

The tree shook.

"Get off!" Sano growled at Genma, pushing him unwittingly into Shampoo's open arms.

Shampoo was not the least bit happy to have Genma glomping her. She gave a shriek that echoed in the night. "Pervert maaaaaan!"

"What was that?" Kaoru asked.

Shampoo let loose her bonbori, straight at Genma's helpless form. Genma went flying into the air, heading right for Kaoru.

Kaoru and Ryouga didn't see Genma coming.

Popping out of nowhere, he came so fast that he plowed right into Kaoru slight form. They splashed right into the pond, pinning Kaoru under the water with the weight of the huge panda.

"KAORU!" Ryouga cried in horror. What the hell was he supposed to do? If he went into the water, he'd turn into a pig and he wouldn't be able to help her anyway! "Genma! Get the hell off her!"

"Growf!" Genma let out, trying to roll over to find purchase but succeeding only in making the situation worse.

"Oh god!" Ryouga shrieked, clutching at his hair. Kaoru wasn't struggling. She was frighteningly still, and in his terror, Ryouga picked up a tree and swung it like a bat on Genma to get him off her.

Genma-panda went splashing to the other side of the pond.

Kenshin appeared with Sano, Shampoo, Ranma and Nabiki right behind him. With lightning quickness, Kenshin jumped into the water and hauled Kaoru out. She was unconscious, and when Kenshin laid her out on the ground, he thought with dread that she didn't seem to be breathing.

"Holy crap! Somebody administer CPR!" Ranma yelled.

"Shampoo know CPR!" Said the amazon eagerly.

"Growf!" Genma barked, holding up a sign that said, "Ryouga knows CPR!"

Kenshin glared at Ryouga with amber stricken eyes.

Nabiki fell to Kaoru's side and swiped out her pocket mirror. CPR was harmful if administered to a person who was breathing. She held the mirror under Kaoru's nose and saw a mist forming. She sighed in relief. "It's alright, she's --"

"Step aside!" Ryouga shouted, discarding the tree with a crash and pushing everyone away.

Nabiki was assured enough of Kaoru's life to think about her money, and protecting it. She could now see through Genma's ploy. Oh no you don't!

With strength not customary to her person, she shoved Ryouga away and stood to full height. "You idiot! She's going to be -- "

"Nabiki, she's dying!" Ryouga cried, trying to get around her.

Nabiki sighed. "No, she's not! Look, if you'll just listen -- "

"Nabiki-dono, we have to get Kaoru-dono to the clinic!" Kenshin said, already beginning to scoop Kaoru in his arms.

"She's breathing fine!" Nabiki yelled. "What she may have is a concussion! And if that's the case, we shouldn't move her! We should call the doctor here."

"I'm on it!" Sano said, rushing off.

"Shampoo go with airen!" She chimed, running after him.

Kenshin stood up and faced Ryouga. "This is all your fault, Ryouga! If you weren't making googly eyes at my Kaoru-dono, you would have been able to protect her!"

"What? What do you mean it's my fault? How the hell was I suppose to know that I should have been looking out for flying pandas?" Ryouga shouted back.

Nabiki sighed and looked at Ranma wearily. "Oh no. Here we go."

"You're supposed to be ready for anything, if I may be so frank prok-rind!" Kenshin hissed. "That includes Jusenkio cursed fathers!"

"Just who the hell are you calling pork rind, you red-headed freakazoid?" Responded Ryouga, clenching his fists in a fighting position.

Kenshin sprang away for some distance. "I am ready for you," he growled, going on Batou-jutsu stance, the click of his sword sounding.

"Can't we all just get along?" Ranma asked.

"NO!" Kenshin and Ryouga snapped in unison.

Ranma, not the most patient of people, frowned angrily. "Fine! Kill each other! See if I care!"

"I will not go easy on you," Kenshin told his opponent.

Ryouga glared at him. "Make my day, Martha."

"Martha?" Ranma asked Nabiki.

"Marth Stuart, I think," Nabiki said.

"Oh," Ranma responded. For Ryouga, that was pretty good.

Kuno came bounding to the scene of the commotion. "What? Mine Kaoru is hurt! I must save her! I must awaken the beauteous creature in her slumbering purity!"

He approached Kaoru, never minding that the fight of the century was about to take place.

Kaoru stirred and felt her head throbbing. She moaned to herself and tried to open her eyes. Mou! I feel like a building fell on me! Genma...that's practically the same thing.

She pried her eyes open and was met by a horrifying sight.

It was Kuno's lips, and it was heading straight for her.

Forgetting her splitting headache, she let out a blood-curdling scream. "PERVERRRRRT!"

Bokken in hand, she sent Kuno right into the soothing darkness of the night.

Author's Note (as usual, I couldn't shut-up): How's that? Things are finally coming together. Well, for me. This was long, yes. That's because it's somewhere along the final stretch. It's almost done. Two more main chapters and another one for the epilogue. Yep, everything's going according to plan.

Next up: Chapter Seven: It's About Damn Time!

This isn't just going to be about Kenshin and Kaoru. Who else do you think does this title include?

8. Chapter Seven: It's About Danm Time!

Author's Note: This chapter may have some WAFF, as far as a comedy goes. I know I promised that this fic would be short. We all know how that turned out. Anyway, I just hope you wait for me to finish the fic before you kill me.

Let me see, how many promises have I broken so far? The length of this fic, that's one. The time it took me to finish it, that's two. (I had been hoping for one week, but work kinda got in the way). Then in my other fics...I promised no more back to backs, releasing a chapter only once every week...that's four...hmm...too many promises broken. How embarrassing.

Anyway...standard disclaimers apply.

On with the story

Chapter Seven: It's About Damn Time!

Ranma woke up to the sound of activity coming from outside their room. He knew it was early, but nobody seems to be in the habit of sleeping late in this damn dojo.

Well, that wasn't what really bothered him. He hadn't been one to wake up early since he married Akane. Before that, his father always woke him up either with a douse of water or an unwarranted trip from his room to the koi pond, again courtesy of his father. Now it was just lazing around with Akane in the sheets, and sometimes, they weren't so lazy in the sheets.

He grinned. Damn! We're good in bed.

Perverted thoughts aside, he and Akane had a bright future of marital bliss. After everything that happened before and after their marriage, they sure as hell can get through anything.

Still, he had hoped that they could at least have a relatively normal honeymoon. He should have known it would be as wacky as the rest of his life.

His pondering inevitably shifted to Ryouga and the oiker's love problems.

Stupid conscience. Yes, Mr. Honor, Mr. Good Guy and Mr. Sensitivity have conspired to nag him, creating a potent mixture known to man as Guilt. Why'd I ever let Nabiki talk me into these things?

Because, Saotome, the only thing that can override Mr. Honor is Mr. Jusenkio Curse.

Ranma sighed. Was it true? Did he hate his curse so much that he was willing to risk the feelings of his friend just for the possibility that the curse could be lifted?

Man, I've never felt like such a prick in my entire life.

He groaned at his own selfishness. What good was there in telling Ryouga now, anyway? Nabiki already got what she wanted. The deed's been done.

Akane stirred in his arms, her eyes cracking open.

Ranma smiled at her. "Hey tomboy."

She rubbed her eyes with her fists and returned his smile. "Morning, pervert," she said while yawning, "What was that for?"

"What was what for?"

"That sound you made. It was troubled."

He stared at her. Sometimes, he could not believe how far this so-called women's intuition went. Even as a girl, he didn't have it. Akane said it was because he was such a Man-guy, which she didn't exactly mean as a compliment.

There was no use in telling her it was nothing. Besides, he was supposed to tell Akane everything, as his wife, and as his best friend. "Promise you won't get angry."

She suddenly had a look in her eyes that said "Uh oh," but seeing the serious look on her husband's face, she refrained from asking, "What did you do this time?" Instead, she said, "I promise. What is it?"

"Remember the Fifteen Thousand Yen Nabiki put up as a fee so she can get us to China?" Ranma began, running his hands through her hair idly just to keep the pleasant mood she was in. "Well, the other day, she made a deal with me."

"Uh oh" threatened to come out again, but Akane kept quiet. Making deals with Nabiki was about as good as signing your name in blood on the dotted line.

Ranma went on. "She told me that if I could get Ryouga to admit his feelings to Kaoru before Kenshin does, she would call off both our charges. I...accepted the deal."

"Ranma, you moron!" She hissed. She wasn't shouting, which was a good thing, but he could detect the disapproval.

"You promised not to get angry," he reminded her.

Akane sighed and rose up to her elbows, keeping her gaze on him. "I'm not angry, but I have to say this: It's pretty obvious that Ryouga's been in love with Kaoru for quite some time now. I could even say that it's good for someone to admit their feelings to the person they love," she punctuated this by jabbing a finger to his rib, reminding him of the time they had been less than honest with each other. "But I shudder at the possible methods you used to encourage Ryouga to do that. Did you even warn him that Kaoru may not feel the same way, ever? Or did you just let him go on thinking that he had a chance?"

Boy, when the Conscience Squad materializes in Akane like that, they're pretty brutal. Ranma flinched.

Akane rolled her eyes around. "I thought so. Idiot-darling, we all know whom Kaoru loves. You should have told Ryouga. You know he has a tendency to deny these things. Even though what you were suppose to tell him does not discourage him from going through with the confession, at least it would cushion his fall, somewhat. That's how he survived with me. He could see we loved each other even if we denied it, and it eased the heartbreak. But you know it's different with Kaoru. He never saw Kenshin with her until now, and it's only been a few days. Do you expect him to accept reality in such a short period of time?"

Ranma grimaced. Guilt with a vengeance. "So...you're saying..."

"It isn't too late to tell him the truth," Akane said. "You told me he admitted his love to her last night, ne? Well, I don't think she's turned him down just yet because he isn't throwing Bakusai ten ketsu at the moment. But mark my words, Ranma, she will turn him down."

Ranma groaned again. "When will this madness end?" He asked.

Akane chuckled. "Think of it this way, Ranma. At least right now, it isn't directed at us."

"How are you feeling, Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin asked her while they assisted Ukyo in making yet another Okonomiyaki meal. For some reason, Ukyo has decided to make a batch larger than usual.

All the dojo residents, in addition to Sano, were in the kitchen now, except Kuno, who hasn't reappeared since Kaoru sent him to the moon the night before.

Kaoru gave him a small smile. "As well as could be expected considering a 300 pound panda plowed into me last night."

Ukyo laughed. "I can't believed you survived that, sugar."

"I know," Kaoru said with a grin.

Nabiki chuckled. "Oh you should have seen Ryouga last night," she said. "Don't look at the light! Kaoru! Don't look at the light!" She made an exaggerated imitation of Ryouga when he was agitated.

Ryouga turned red amidst the peal of laughter. "I said no such thing, Nabiki!"

"And how did Kenshin handle it?" Yahiko asked with a snigger.

Nabiki rounded her eyes and her mouth, pretending to shake a pair of shoulders in her hands. "Oro! Don't look at the light! Oro Kaoru-dono! Don't look at the light, de gozaru yo!"

The laughter was even louder with Kenshin vehemently praying that he could fit through the tiny gaps on the wooden floor.

Akane wiped a tear from her eye and found the breath to speak. "Big Sis, give them a break. You know they're both world class worriers."

"I can't believe you were all there so fast, though," Kaoru said, oblivious to the guilty faces surfacing at her statement.

"Well, you know how loud Ryouga can get when he's in distress," Ranma put in for the benefit of everyone's asses. He warned Ryouga to shut up with his pointed gaze.

Ukyo and Akane knew when not to say anything. They merely raised their eyebrows and resolved to ask Ranma the real story later.

"Which reminds me..." Ranma grumbled. "Yo, Mr. Piggy, can I talk to you for a sec? Outside?"

Ryouga gave him a glare but stood up without spitting out another challenge.

As the two men stepped out, Kenshin sidled up to Kaoru.

"Umm...Kaoru-dono?" He began in a soft voice.

Kaoru looked at him, surprised by his secrecy. "Yes?"

"Are you really alright?" Kenshin asked her in a concerned tone.

A smile spread across her face. "I'm fine, Kenshin. Don't worry, we'll still go out tonight. Wild horses couldn't stop me."

Pink suffused his cheeks but he smiled in return.

"But if another panda falls on me, you'll understand, won't you?"

"Oro!"

"What's this about, Ranma?" Ryouga asked once they were out in the front yard.

Ranma faced him and decided to just come out and say it. "Ryouga, I had been ordered by Nabiki to get you to admit your feelings to Kaoru so that she would win her bet with Sano that you would do it before Himura does. I did it because she would call off mine and Akane's fee for the China trip."

Ryouga stared at him, though he knew he should be angry, he had other emotions to wrestle with. "I'll pound you for the conspiracy later, Ranma, but the thing is, admitting my feelings to Kaoru...it isn't such a bad thing. I had to tell her, you know."

"Right, but there's something I should have told you," Ranma continued. "Ryouga, Kaoru isn't going to return your affections. She's in love with Kenshin."

This got Ryouga to bristle. "That man doesn't really love her!"

"Yes, he does. That man spied in on your date the whole night last night just to protect her from the remote possibility that you would harm her," Ranma said. "I know because Nabiki and I were there to make sure he didn't kill you if you fumbled. They love each other, and nothing's going to change that. I'm sorry man, but...you should accept that. You don't want to hurt yourself too badly."

Ryouga didn't say anything, but he was beginning to look very depressed. "You're just saying that because until now you can't stand to see me happy, Saotome."

Ranma sighed. "I'm not even going to fight you for that. Believe me, I would rather have just let you go through with it all by yourself, but it ain't right to let you get hurt more than necessary. Just remember what I told you, alright?"

Ryouga averted his eyes to the ground. He was in no mood to fight Ranma either. It's just that...again? Disappointed in love again? How many rejections can a guy take before he completely loses it, anyway?

"Let's go inside," Ranma said. "You're probably not very hungry right now, but I don't want you walking around the Meiji era like that. You might end up killing somebody."

"I'd...I'd like to go to the dojo, if you don't mind," Ryouga said in a faraway voice.

Oh man! I hope he doesn't total it. Ranma thought, but he nevertheless agreed. "Sure dude. But I'll close all the doors, okay? As long as you don't open any doors, you'll be fine. I'm serious when I say I don't want you getting lost."

Ryouga nodded. "I hear you. Thank you, Ranma."

Ranma held down a sigh. Well, Mr. Conscience, are you happy now?

After breakfast, Kaoru decided to go to the dojo. Everyone else would be occupied and she figured now was the best time to get some training in without anyone distracting her. She just hoped Shampoo wouldn't be along for Sano.

Dressed in her gi and hakama, she slid the shoji to the dojo open and was surprised to find Ryouga meditating silently in one of the corners of the hall.

She was a little disappointed that she wouldn't be able to get the personal time she wanted, but she could handle Ryouga's presence. She decided to meditate as well.

Kaoru was just about to position herself at the center of the dojo floor when Ryouga spoke.

"Is there any chance at all, Kaoru-chan, that you would return my feelings?" He asked, turning from his seat to look at her.

Kaoru stood still, surprised that he had come out and said it so suddenly, but her face softened, and even before she spoke, Ryouga already knew the answer.

"Ryouga, I'm sorry," she said in a soft voice. "Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to have dinner with you, but I was frustrated with Kenshin then. You were..."

Ryouga sighed. "A reflex action."

It sounded so horrible, but she couldn't deny it.

"It's okay, I know you love Kenshin," Ryouga said, keeping his misery at bay for the moment. "I was actually hoping that if he...you know, doesn't return your feelings, you would consider me..."

Kaoru gave him a sympathetic smile. "Ryouga-kun, you should stop trying to be the Rebound-guy."

"It's not like I mean to be Rebound-guy," he said in defense of himself. "It's just that the women I end up falling in love with seem to find out that they're in love with somebody else, and that somebody else is in love with them too. As for me, I'm in so deep that I would settle for...leftovers if there are any."

"Well, you can try beating Shampoo. At least she's sure to want you if you do," Kaoru joked mildly.

Ryouga shook his head. "Big mistake. It'd be Sano and me. Considering my track record, she'd probably end up with Sano."

Kaoru actually laughed at the prospect. "Sano will not end up with Shampoo. He would rather die than marry her. Besides, I think he and Megumi has some kind of weird understanding."

Ryouga smiled. It was tinged with sadness, but he wasn't totally devastated. Well, he was, but he could see himself living through this.

"But..." Kaoru spoke up with a blush. "Even with Kenshin asking me out, I'm not really sure if he loves me or anything like that. He's so nice and all that I think he asked me out just to..."

Ryouga blinked and stared at her in disbelief. It's...the same thing all over again...everyone knows it but them! It's so...freakin' déjà vu! I could cry...He began to laugh.

"Eh?" Kaoru stared in surprise.

Ryouga was holding his stomach now, laughing and rolling on the floor.

Kaoru pouted. "What's so funny?" She demanded.

"K-K...Kaoru, you idiot!" He shrieked amidst his loud guffaw.

"What did you call me?" Kaoru growled, her chi-bokken materializing in her hand.

Ryouga raised his hands and tried to stop laughing. "Maa...maa..." Then realizing that it was how Kenshin talked, he convulsed in another gale of merriment. "Oh, Kaoru. If anyone should be hit over the head, it's you!"

Kaoru fumed, but was too amazed by his actions and words to do anything violent just yet. Her curiosity won over. "What's that suppose to mean?"

He took a deep breath to control himself and smiled at her. "Figure it out, Kaoru-chan," he said, still chortling a bit. He got to his feet and headed to the door.

The frown on Kaoru's face told more of her frustration than her anger.

"I'll see you around," Ryouga said to her. "I got things to do." He slid open the shoji and stepped out. Just after he had closed her in, he detected some shuffling from somewhere beneath the floor.

Ryouga shook his head and rolled his eyes around. "You can come out now."

Six pairs of eyes, one pair of which was extremely furry, appeared from under the planks of the dojo porch, looking about as innocent as weasels.

"Jeez! You're all just like a bunch of kids!" Ryouga told them.

"Lost my glasses," said the sign Genma held up.

"Right," Ryouga responded.

Ranma clambered out, helping Akane to her feet. "Well, it ain't there pop. I guess we gotta look somewhere else."

"You have to be more careful about your stuff, Genma-san," Yahiko told him as he crawled out and got to his feet.

The rest of them agreed with him in various degrees, dusting themselves as Ukyo and Nabiki emerged.

"I'm getting the munchies. I think I'll go help myself to some of the pickled stuff," Ranma said, leading the pack towards the kitchen. "You guys coming?"

"Yeah!" Came the general reply (from those who could talk).

"'Bout you, Ryouga?" Ranma asked him.

Ryouga cocked a melancholic smile. "Naa. I think I'll stay out here for a while."

"You guys go ahead," Ukyo said. "I'm not really hungry. Can I keep you company, Ryou-kun?" She asked.

"Sure," Ryouga said, lifting one shoulder in acknowledgement and sitting down.

"Your loss," Nabiki said to them. "Kaoru's butler really makes exquisite preserves," she added, lilting her diction to a classy tone.

Ukyo and Ryouga chuckled. They watched the rest of the Nerima-gumi and Yahiko walk away from them, Genma lumbering after the group.

Ukyo gave Ryouga a cute smile. "Ryou-honey, Kaoru's right."

Ryouga chuckled and shook his head again, but there was no disdain. "About what?"

"About you being the Rebound-guy," Ukyo replied, cocking her head at him.

Ryouga wasn't even offended. "Yeah, well...I guess it's just another curse I'm going to have to get over."

"You know," Ukyo said. "It's been almost two years since I last let Ran-chan go. I've pretty much come to terms with myself."

"You're saying I'll get over it eventually," Ryouga responded, almost in a bored tone.

Ukyo cocked her own smile. "Well, yeah. But that's not what I meant. What I'm saying is that I'm no longer on the rebound."

Ryouga stared at her. Is she saying what I think she's saying?

She gave him a grin. "I have no intention of turning into Rebound-gal, but a guy deserves a break, don't you think? Wanna go out with me?"

Ryouga continued to stare stupidly, causing Ukyo to giggle.

"Ryou-honey, it isn't a life and death decision. Let's go out and half some fun." Ukyo said.

"Umm...I'd like that, Ukyo, but I don't have any money," he replied with a painful blush.

She rolled her eyes around. "Oh I know that. What do you think I did with all those Okonomiyaki patties this morning? Half of it went to the Akabeko. It'll be my treat! What do you say?"

"You sold Okonomiyaki just for this?" Ryouga asked in disbelief. "Ukyo...I'm honored..."

"Lighten up, Ryou-kun," she said in fond reproach. "You're always stressing out. This is what this date is all about: Relaxing. Think you can do that?"

Date..."O-Of course, Ukyo-chan. It will be my pleasure," he said, mustering a genuine smile.

"Great! Now, all this talk about food has given me the munchies as well. What say we trip on those pickles?" Suggested Ukyo cheerfully, reaching out her hand.

He nodded with a grin. "Sounds good," he replied, taking the hand she offered.

Hopping off the porch, they made their way towards the kitchen area.

Inside the dojo, Kaoru smiled through the crack of the shoji door. It's about damn time!

"No way am I going to go out looking like this!" Kenshin cried, standing in front of Sano in his bachelor's pad.

Sano scowled. "What the hell's wrong with the way you look? I happen to think you're stylin'!"

Kenshin found it in himself to glare at Sano. "Of course you would! This is what you wear every day!"

The pants were too long, considering Sano's legs were a lot longer than Kenshin's. Then the sleeves of the white jacket flopped sloppily past his fingers. The kung-fu shoes too, two sizes bigger, didn't have quite the same bad-ass effect. He felt like a clown in pajamas, but that was not the worse of it.

"And even if I could pull of the clothes, I couldn't possibly get away with this headband?" Kenshin said in protest, hitching the red sash higher up his forehead as it drooped over an eye. "I mean, my goodness!"

"Hey, it completes the look!" Sano said through grit teeth.

"This look is ridiculous on me," Kenshin said with an apologetic sigh, pulling off the headband and jacket. "I appreciate the suggestion, Sano. Really, I do, but I'm not tall enough and I couldn't get away with the 'Evil' kanji on my back if my life depended on it." He proceeded to change back into his own clothes. "I'm not like you and Ranma-dono who look like tough guys. Besides, I didn't come here to ask you to dress me up. This unworthy one already knows what to wear. I came here to ask you where you think it would be best to take Kaoru-dono."

Sano was in no mood to help him anymore. Apart from losing his cash to Nabiki (who immediately collected after the incident in the pond), Megumi has snubbed him with ice-cold indifference when he went to fetch her for Jou-chan. Of course, it didn't help either with Shampoo all over him. "Just go take her to the Akabeko," he said lazily.

"Ryouga already did that," Kenshin replied. "I want to take her some place different, you see. And not only that, I want to be able to say the right things." Without cracking my voice.

Sano sighed in exasperation and turned to pull something out from one of his shelves. It was a stack of onion skin papers, cut into palm size pieces. "Here. I made these for you the other day. You might as well use them," he said, handing them over to Kenshin. Damn rurouni! How can someone with god-like speed be so f�ing slow? Ryouga actually beat him to the punch!

Kenshin picked up a sheet and read it out loud. "'I see your soul'...I guess it works, in a creepy sort of way, that is..."

"Stupid," Sano hissed. "It says 'I seek your heart'. You got your nouns and verbs mixed up."

"Oro! So it does! You have er, exotic penmanship, it seems," Kenshin quipped politely.

It was a little too polite for Sano. "Oi! What's wrong with my penmanship?"

"Maa...maa...I just have to get used to it, that is all," Kenshin said. He picked up another sheet. "Open your heart with a knife? Sano I don't want her to commit suicide."

This made Sano even more irritated. "It's 'please'! 'Kudasai'! Not 'kunai'!"

Kenshin nodded. "Oh...right...kokoro o akete kudasai. Umm...it's a little too formal, don't you think, Sano? I'd sound like an immigration officer asking her to open her bags at the port."

"Well, isn't that how you talk?" Sano asked him.

It was Kenshin's turn to scowl. "No! Of course not! I may talk funny sometimes..."

Sano sputtered a laugh. "Sometimes?"

"Very well. We shall not talk about that," Kenshin said abruptly, then he went on. "I do not want to freeze her over."

Sano crossed his arms over his chest and smiled lopsidedly. "Do you really want to know how to warm her up, Kenshin?" He asked with a mischievous glint.

Kenshin glared at him. "Sanosuke, you pervert..."

"What? Hey! It ain't nothin' like that!" Sano protested. "I was going to tell you to drop the 'dono'. Think you can do that Mister Manners?"

Kenshin somewhat gave a gasp. "Drop the 'dono'? Are you serious? Kamiya Tetsuro--!"

"Yeah, yeah, will turn in his grave," Sano finished for him wearily. "I've heard all that, Kenshin, and you know what? Drop the 'dono' anyway. It'll make both of you happier."

Kenshin seriously pondered it. He'd certainly thought her name without the 'dono', once or twice. It sounded nice in his mind. He has never uttered it out loud, ever, not even to himself. "But Kaoru-dono deserves respect."

"It ain't just respect she wants from you, bud," Sano said. "She already knows you respect her. Take my word for it, drop the 'dono'. Why don't you say it a couple of times, see how it feels."

Kenshin took a deep breath and said her name. "Kaoru...Kaoru..." Well, no earthquakes or rising corpses. It certainly felt better to say it that way.

Sano sputtered a laugh again. "You're saying it like it's a bad thing."

Kenshin shot Sano a glare. "I think I'll keep calling her Kaoru-dono until I'm ready to get rid of the honorific, if you please. I have no intention of murdering her wonderful name with the way I look when I say it."

"What an idiot," muttered Sano with a chortle. "Look at it this way. You call Ranma with a 'dono', Akane with a 'dono', Megumi, Nabiki, Ukyo, heck even Ryouga, in your own peculiar way."

Kenshin shot him a glance. "How did you know that?" He demanded.

Sano realized his slip and tried to wave it off with a casual explanation. "I heard you say it once, anyway..."

Kenshin fell silent but unsettled. He was fairly certain that he had been careful about not using that particular endearment for Ryouga when others were around.

Sano continued. "...Jou-chan's very special to you, isn't she? If you call her just plain Kaoru, it will make her feel very special."

Kenshin considered it. He would probably try later. Sano rarely made sense, and when he does, it was almost a sign from the gods. "Whatever, Sano," he said, picking up another cheat-sheet from the pile. He read it out loud. "The warmth of your ham...Oro! I don't think it will be appropriate to be that intimate on what I consider to be a first date!"

"It's hand! Jeez! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Kaoru peeked at Kenshin from the corner of her eye and suppressed a burst of laughter at his extremely disturbed and flustered expression. Akane, Nabiki and Ukyo had been relentless, even worse on him than they'd been on Ryouga. They had picked on him and his reversed edge sword, something he had not expected.

"Hey, Himura!" Nabiki had said, staring him down. "That be a reversed-edge sword, isn't it?"

Kenshin quaked under her scrutiny. "It is, Nabiki-dono."

Akane had an even scarier frown on her face. "What kind of idiot would carry a reversed-edge sword?"

Kenshin was about to say, "An idiot like me," but realized just in time that it didn't sound very nice. Instead, he tried to explain. "Umm...Akane-dono, it's to make certain I don't..."

Ukyo gave an exasperated sigh. Her pretty face, made prettier by some sort of powder and rouge (no doubt for her night out with Ryouga), did nothing to put Kenshin at ease. "Really, sugar. How much does that thing weigh? Eight? Ten pounds? Doesn't it get in the way?"

Kenshin wanted to ask her how much her spatula weighed but decided that congeniality was the best way to approach the situation. "This unworthy one carries it around by force of habit, you see..."

"Aren't carrying swords around here, like, illegal?" Nabiki asked him sternly.

Kenshin didn't know why he suddenly felt that he needed the approval of these women. He groped for a reply. "This unworthy one...er, the police don't think much about a reversed edge sword...and, umm...I kind of get special treatment..."

"Oh, yeah," Akane said. "Special treatment. You saved Japan...how many times was it? Ten? Twelve times?"

Kenshin blushed from embarrassment, not from modesty, but from the feelings of inadequacy Akane had so expertly infused in him at that moment. "J-Just once, I think, with Shishio...the Boshin Civil Wars was a combined effort, you see..."

"Hmph! Just once! I told you he wasn't much, Akane," Nabiki told her sister off-handedly.

Akane and Ukyo gave such disappointed sighs that Kenshin was about to fall to his knees, beg pardon and declare to them that next time, he will do better.

"Well, you know the drill," Akane said. "Home by ten, got that?"

"C-Certainly."

"Ever gone up against women with mallets, spatulas and a heart as cold as the north pole?" Ukyo asked him casually.

Kenshin gulped. "I believe I have not..."

Ukyo nodded with patronizing approval. "You don't wanna know how THAT goes. Are we clear on this?"

"Y-Yes, de gozaru!"

"What time do we want her back, soldier?" Nabiki asked in a drill-sergeant tone.

"Ten, de gozaru yo..."

"I can't hear you!" Nabiki yelled.

"Ten, de gozaru yo!" Kenshin said a little louder.

Nabiki's frown was made scarier with her arms folding over her chest. "Hmph! Not so feminine this time. Say it like you mean it!"

"TEN, DE GOZARU YOOOOO!" Kenshin shouted like his life depended on it.

"Mou! What a racket!" Kaoru suddenly said from behind them, and it was then that Kenshin almost passed out at the sight of her.

The look on his face had been priceless. He was obviously dying from embarrassment, yet he had the most haunted expression, as if he was seeing something...wonderful. It felt nice to know she could affect him like that.

His momentary catatonia had given her ample time to observe him herself. He was wearing a blue gi and a gray hakama. She had never seen him wear it before, but he looked gorgeous. She would have stared stupidly herself if Akane had not elbowed her in the ribs.

She was glad she had gone with the blue and purple kimono with the Sakura prints. They would match perfectly without looking like a dance pair.

Kenshin had tried to say something that had to do with the stars, but maybe realizing that he wasn't being coherent, he let it drop and proceeded to escort her out.

Now they were making their way into town, and Kenshin hadn't said anything much but, "Watch your step, Kaoru-dono," and "Over here, Kaoru-dono, where the puddles can't get you."

She almost sighed. Trust Kenshin to think she was in danger of puddles! "Mou!"

Kenshin heard her and wanted to hit himself. I can't do anything right! He thought, without the slightest idea of what he had done wrong.

He led them to the Akabeko where Tae met them at the receiving area quite excitedly.

"Oh! You both look so nice!" Tae said to them, not exactly welcoming them in. "It will be ready in a minute, Himura-san."

"Arigato," Kenshin said with a respectful bow.

Kaoru stared at him questioningly, but he merely blushed and made a wordless promise that she would know eventually.

Tsubame soon appeared, carrying a large pouch. "Here you go, Himura-san," said the girl shyly. "They won't clutter or spill and the jug is wrapped well enough not to break."

Kenshin smiled at her and took the pouch, swinging it over his neck and shoulder as he said, "Thank you, Tsubame-dono. It was so kind of you to take care of its packaging."

"Well, have fun, you two," Tae said to them, pushing them both outside with Tsubame looking on. "Himura-san, I want Kaoru to be very happy in the morning, alright?"

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed. So many women seemed to be ordering him around that night, everyone except Kaoru who was strangely passive. He was thinking of how best to ask her whether she was feeling all right when Kaoru spoke through his thoughts.

"Kenshin, where are we going?" Kaoru asked him, tugging at his sleeve.

The endearing curiosity in her eyes sent his senses in a jumble. Don't do that!

Who are you scolding? Her, or yourself?

Both! Goodness...her baby blues will be the death of me yet!

"You'll see Kaoru..." he said, trying to get his mind into focus. Drop the honorific...drop the honorific... "...dono." Damn! That word has a life of its own!

Kaoru let go of the breath she had not realized she had held. So close. He had been so close. "Mou! Kenshin, the suspense is killing me."

He smiled slightly. "It's no big deal, Kaoru-dono. I just wanted to get away from the noise of town. So we can talk where no one can nose in on our business."

It was short of saying, "Where the Nerima-gumi can't follow." Kaoru is yet to find a spot where that premise is possible. Ranma and the others have braved treacherous terrain and wild demons just to be part of the action. Not even a trip to China would be enough to discourage them from getting the scoop on things.

She was so distracted by her own thoughts that she did not notice the direction they had taken along the road. Not until they came upon the gates of the shrine did Kaoru regain her awareness.

"Kenshin, what are we doing here? Do you want to pray again?" She asked him.

Kenshin gave a small smile, remembering the odd enlightenment he had stumbled upon the last time they had visited the shrine. "Maybe," he said mysteriously.

"Umm...alright," she replied, a bit confused. What a time to turn weird on me, Himura. Of course, it has to be on OUR date.

They headed across the yard and kept walking until they reached the front of the shrine itself.

Kenshin stood peering up at the structure, as if studying it intently.

Kaoru watched him, trying to be patient. Kamiya, this is a DATE. No need to go military on him.

Kenshin popped a finger in his mouth then raised it up in the air.

Kaoru stared. Is he checking the direction of the wind? Kenshin you idiot! What the hell are you doing? She had an urge to call on Mr. Bokken that very moment, but she controlled herself and decided to ask him in a calm and forthwith manner. "Kenshin, what the hell is going on?" Well, it was better than hitting him.

He gave her a rurouni smile. "Kaoru-dono, how do you feel about heights?"

What a stupid question! Weren't we just jumping roofs the other day? She glared at him. "Kenshin..."

He chuckled and gently, but suddenly slipped his arm around her waist, pulling her close.

"Eh!?!?" Kaoru exclaimed. She didn't know whether she should be happy or whether she should hit him for being so forward. She was about to go for the latter recourse when Kenshin unexpectedly tightened his hold on her and jumped.

Kaoru gasped as they both lifted off in the air and landed on one of the shrine arcs.

"Hold tight," Kenshin told her with his placid smile.

She felt like fainting just then. Oh! He could be so gorgeous! Going with the fluttery feelings she was experiencing, she put her arms around him and snuggled.

He jumped again, landing both of them on an even higher ledge. Kaoru looked down and her heart made a mad dash at the dizzying height. She closed her eyes and gave him her complete trust.

On the third jump, he planted his feet on a beam and kicked upward, finally getting them to the roof.

Her feet were on solid ground and she opened her eyes.

From where they were, she could see as far as the height of the shrine permitted. All of her fear dissipated as she saw the lights shining from the streets of Edo below. The stars above them were a sight to see as well.

She had never seen a clearer sky.

"Oh, Kenshin," she whispered in breathless awe. "It's beautiful."

Kenshin smiled down at her face. Hmm...never thought the light of the moon can bounce off so nicely on her face like that. "Yes, it is," he replied, not meaning the view of Edo.

"It's magnificent," she gasped, not even noticing that they still held each other.

"Indeed..." Himura, you must have been a good guy in your past life to deserve this. Yup, good karma is definitely at work here. He just wanted to stay the way they were: Kaoru in his arms. It was almost hard to believe that it could be better than this, but it could.

The jasmine scent that wafted from her skin...those blue and soulful eyes...those soft moist lips...Oro! Down Battousai! She isn't yours quite yet!

Shut-up! I'm enjoying myself!

Get your hands off Kaoru now!

Aw...do I have to?

Right now! Before she comes to her senses and Kamiya Kasshins you out of existence! Damn! What will Kamiya Tetsuro say? Making such moves on his daughter? What nerve! Shame on you!

Alright already!

Kenshin released her gracefully and stepped back. "Kaoru-dono, let's sit down and have some dinner."

Kaoru turned to him and blinked. She blushed fiercely in realizing that they had been so inappropriately close.

She nodded and proceeded to sit herself down on the shingles. She chose a small platform that rose out of the sloping roof and settled herself comfortably on it.

Kenshin sat beside her and began to unpack the parcel they had picked up at the Akabeko.

True to her words, Tsubame had done an expert job with the bento boxes and the jug of lemonade.

Amidst it all, Kaoru could hardly believe that Kenshin had thought all of this up. It was terribly romantic, and she could only smile brightly as she helped herself to the delicious meal.

I always knew he had it in him. She thought with approval, and then her train of thought went in another direction. Or did he? Where is all this coming from? Since when did Kenshin ever be any kind of Romeo? He'd never paid her special attention until...the Nerima-gumi showed up. Did he suddenly become so amorous because of Ryouga? She peeked at him and he flashed a smile.

Kenshin grinned at her through his inner turmoil. Oh boy, she has that thinking look in her eyes! What is she pondering? Oh God, she knows about the absurd rivalry I've taken up against Ryouga! Kaoru will deck me for sure!

Simmer down. She doesn't know anything about your tiff with Ryouga. Remember what Sano said? Women never think as far as that!

Stupid! Kaoru has always been smart! She knows! She knows! Besides, when have I ever listened to that rooster-head, anyway?

His advice is better than nothing at this point. It's too quiet. She's bored out of her skin! Say something! Anything!

"Umm...Kaoru-dono, your hair..." Rivals the beauty of the night! Say it!

Kaoru raised an eyebrow at him. It sounded like the beginning of a compliment. He's not seriously going to say that it matches the udon, will he? Mou! These boys bungle up everything!

I can't do it! It sounds too corny! "...has something in it, it seems," said Kenshin, picking off an imaginary speck of dirt from her bangs.

Kaoru almost choked on her noodles to stifle her laugh. Mou! Of course he wouldn't say such a thing! He isn't like that! "Arigato, Kenshin," she managed to say.

Kenshin could feel his palms claming up. She had been so animated when she was with Ryouga. Even after Ryouga accidentally groped her (he still glowers at the remembrance), she and Pig-boy had been immersed in intent discussions. Why the heck was she so quite now?

Desperate, he fished out one of Sano's cheat-sheets. "Ask her stuff," said the note. Kenshin scratched his head. Why in the world would he want to have anything to do with her things?

Stupid meter on the rise! Moron! Ask her stuff about her! Not ask FOR her stuff!

"Oh, right," Kenshin said, not realizing he had spoken out loud.

"What are you agreeing to, Kenshin?" Kaoru asked.

Kenshin blushed at his own blunder. "Umm...this unworthy one would like to know what it was like living in Nerima apart from the chaos, if I may ask,"

Kaoru snickered at the memories. In spite of the constant anarchy, she liked Nerima, and all its modern inconveniences. "Nerima is all about chaos, Kenshin. There wasn't a moment there that I wasn't refereeing fights, or participating in one, thereof...then if we weren't in Nerima, we would be out fighting demons, retrieving Akane from some other guy who was in love with her and what not."

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed. He couldn't imagine a world where Kaoru wasn't the one getting kidnapped. That was just a positively terrible thought, Kenshin. "Akane-dono is very popular?"

Kaoru nodded. "Oh yes. Everyone told me that she used to have to fight off a hoard of boys in the schoolyard before she got to class. Literally fight! It was Kuno's fault. He made this absurd proclamation that the one who beat Akane would get to date her. I was told that Ranma put a stop to it eventually. I didn't believe it at first, but when Kuno started paying attention to me..."

Kenshin frowned. "He didn't."

"Yes, he did. He made the same proclamation about me, and well, Dr. Tofu, Nerima's resident doctor slash chiropractor, had a load of male patients in his waiting room everyday," Kaoru replied. "It was good exercise, though."

"Well, who put a stop to your troubles?" He asked.

"Ryouga-kun..."

Well, he's gotta be good for something..."That was nice of him," Kenshin remarked nonchalantly.

Kaoru tried not to blush. She realized at that instant just how much of an idiot she had been. She should have known then that Ryouga liked her in that way. Why else would he go through all that trouble for her? It was just as well. She could never have returned his feelings. She had another bodyguard in mind. Kevin Costner would have been proud. Yeesh! How can such a terrible movie seem so romantic all of a sudden?

As they ate their take-out, Kaoru told him about TVs, planes, popcorn, cars and bullet trains. She was amused to discover that Kenshin was particularly interested in automobiles.

What is it about men and cars? She was tickled at the thought that the love affair between the male species and convertibles spanned the ages. It must be some kind of inherent need to have control over something so powerful as a V-8 engine.

Dinner was soon done, and they packed away the bento boxes for its return to the Akabeko later. In the meantime, Kaoru sidled up to Kenshin on their perch.

Holy...she moved closer, thought Kenshin in silent panic. What do I do? What does she expect me to do?

Take a deep breath, Himura. It's no big deal.

He took his breath then peered at another cheat-sheet.

"You make me want to be a betting man," it said. Kenshin frowned. The last thing he wanted Kaoru to think was that he had taken up Sano's more undesirable habits. It had to be something else. Oro! Sano couldn't write legibly for shit! What is this note trying to say?

Forget that! Try another one!

"You make this world a bitter place." Feh! That was even worse than the last one! Where does Sano get his material anyway?

"What have you got there, Kenshin?" Kaoru asked, trying to see what he was looking at.

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed, stuffing the note stealthily in his sleeve. "N-Nothing, Kaoru-dono! J-Just checking something in my sleeve."

"Oh. Well, you looked real interested in it," she said with a grin.

"I'm more interested in you, Kaoru-dono," he supplemented with just the right amount of playfulness. That was smooth, Himura. Keep it up.

Her cheeks flushed. "I certainly hope I'm more interesting than whatever it is you got up your sleeve."

Up...my sleeve...She knows! Ohhhhh!

Shut-up! She doesn't. Just don't be so obvious next time. Now take it from where she left off.

"How can you not be, Kaoru-dono?" He asked in a matter of fact tone. "You make this world a bitter place."

"What?!"

"Better! I meant to say better!" Kenshin cried hastily, sweat running down from his brow. Oh man! You made a mess of that! Those confounded cheat-sheets!

His words sank in, and she gave him an appreciative smile. "Do you really mean that, Kenshin?"

Kenshin held down his sigh of relief and he nodded. "Of course, Kaoru-dono. What would have become of me if I hadn't met you? I'd be wandering through Japan without a place to call home, without family, and without a purpose in life. You gave me all of that, Kaoru-dono." The truth of his own words struck him. She is all that. She's my center. Kaoru...I'm unworthy of you, but I do love you so much.

Kaoru felt a comfortable warmth coming over her. Such wonderful things he's saying. Is that how he sees me? I could just...just kiss him!

But of course she didn't. Instead, she took his hand.

The faint crinkle of paper practically gave him a heart attack.

What in the world...? "What's this?" Kaoru asked, taking the cheat-sheet delicately in her fingers.

"O...o...Oh God..." Kenshin gasped with wide eyes.

She would see! She would know! And she would be very, very angry if she found out I was reading stuff to her! So he did what he had to do. He grabbed the paper from her and...and...shoved it into his mouth.

Damn! Ink and paper doesn't exactly taste like dumpling wrap! He swallowed with a wince as Kaoru stared at him in shock.

Just his luck, she found her voice. "Kenshin! What are you -- ?"

No time! Act now!

He was desperate, and nothing could save him now except drastic measures. Without thinking, Kenshin grabbed her by her jaws and clamped his mouth over hers.

Oh damn! She will kill me! She will bokken me to the next century! She will...she will...kiss back...really well...

Kaoru sighed and sank against him languorously, her eyes closing to savor the kiss.

Kenshin's mind suddenly went blank, and all he could comprehend was that her lips felt silken against his. No words could be spoken with more eloquence than a kiss given and accepted. He enfolded her in his arms and relished their closeness, their kiss deepening in tender longing.

Lingering moments after, they finally separated, staring into each other's eyes.

"This unworthy..." Kenshine began, gasping a bit from the air shortage. He should apologize. He honestly thought he should, but right now she looked so contented that he found the wisdom not to. "I have been wanting to do that for the longest time..."

She smiled warmly and tilted her head to the side, keeping her lips close to his. "How long?"

"Since this unworthy one...since I realized I love you..."

Kaoru could have died of happiness at that very moment. "Which was?" She asked in a whisper.

"Since I met you..."

"Kenshin, you moron! What took you so long?" She admonished. She wasn't really asking. It was more of an expression of how he had taken forever to speak, but Kenshin began to reply nervously. Oh for heaven's sake! He's actually trying to think of an answer! Rurouni, sometimes you're just too much of an idiot!

"Er...Kaoru...this unworthy one was..."

Well, at least he got one thing right. He's dropped the "dono", and it's about damn time! "Kenshin," she said.

"Yes?"

"Shut up and kiss me. Now."

"Oro! Yes ma'am!"

It was a kiss that made Battousai proud.

Oh rapture! Oh joy! I can't believe I'm kissing her! I can't believe she's kissing back! I can't believe...I can't believe...Battousai isn't saying a word. Hey! Why are you so quiet?

Who me?

Yes, you. Are you finally dead?

Hey, I'm not about to dis the one thing you've done right, rurouni. Besides, it's not like you're the only one enjoying this. Go on now. Shoo! I've got Kaoru right where I want her!

I'm sorry I asked.

It was inevitable that they had to stop for breath. When they did, Kaoru's adorably lazy smile prompted him to say the words that never seemed so easy to say before.

"I love you, Kaoru," he murmured.

Her heart leapt. He said it again! "I love you, Kenshin," she whispered back.

They kissed for a third time, and "dono", as the saying goes, was not only history, but beaten, flattened and totally annihilated.

"I have three words for you," Sano said from the tree as he munched on the popcorn Akane had packed from the future. "It's about damn time!"

"Idiot! That's four words!" Yahiko hissed, trying to get the binoculars from Akane while holding up Nabiki's listening contraption for everyone. "If you didn't curse so much, you'd get things right half the time!"

"Well, excuuuuuuse me, smarty pants," Sano said with a scowl. "I've lost a fortune and I'm engaged to an amazon. I'm having a bad day."

Genma was too busy counting out his money to Nabiki to participate in the conversation.

"Oops, they're kissing again!" Akane said.

"Lemme see!" Ranma said, trying to gently pry the binoculars away from his wife.

Akane pushed off his hand. "Take it easy Ranma! It's not like this kiss was different from the last two...oh, well maybe it is..."

"Hey, come on Akane!" Sano cried, popcorn rolling out of his mouth. "Quit hogging the seeing-majjig!"

"Hoooo-wee! Go Kenshin!" Akane whooped.

At this point, Ranma, Sano and Yahiko all tried to grab the binoculars from her.

Akane laughed as they all fired questions at her.

"Damn! Is he groping Jou-chan already?" Sano demanded.

"Ew! How could he even think to do that to ug--Kaoru?" Yahiko asked.

"Aw! Akane! It's not every day I get to be the one to spy on people! Have a heart!" Ranma cried.

Akane giggled, glad that everything was falling into place. Ryouga and Ukyo were out, Kenshin and Kaoru had finally admitted their feelings to each other and Sano...

"Nihao airen!"

"Aw shit!"

Well, almost everything...

Author's Note: It's a comedy! Please try to understand. Too much WAFF in the wrong place gives me the heebie-jeebies. Although, I hope I didn't rob you of too much fuzzy feelings.

Next up: Happosai Awakens (And We All Know How Horrible That Could Be)

9. Chapter Eight: Happosai Awakens (And We ...

Author's Note: This is almost done. I'm feeling kinda depressed. I just ended my other story and I'm getting withdrawal symptoms already. Anyway, this is the second to the last chapter and I'm already in a panic as to what kind of fic I should do next. Any suggestions?

Well, here goes. There are a few revelations here, just to spice things up a bit more. Again, thanks for the reviews. The response has overwhelmed me, truly. Doumo arigato de gozaimasu!

Standard disclaimers apply. The genie has eluded me.

Without further ado...on with the story.

Chapter Eight: Happosai Awakens (And We All Know How Horrible That Could Be)

Kenshin, elbow deep in soapsuds, had a stupid smile on his face that radiated from him like a cloak of light. He remembered the events of the previous night for the thousandth time, and it still gave him a warm and fuzzy feeling.

Openly loving and receiving love from Kaoru was everything he had dreamed it to be. Kissing, holding her hand, whispered sweet nothings, and her sexy little teases...Oro! I'm going to have to marry her soon or I'll go completely nuts!

There was a splash, and then angry shouts from a woman who had just risen from the koi pond.

"Ha! I win this one, son!" Genma declared with a laugh.

"Shut up, pop!" Ranma cried.

Another splash sounded and then the inevitable "Growf!" followed.

Kenshin chuckled. It was hard to believe that everything else around them hadn't changed. He was short of expecting a marching band to come bounding through the gate celebrating that the Idiot-Rurouni had finally said the magic words. Of course, he morbidly expected Kamiya Tetsuro at the front of the parade, admonishing him for having the nerve to philander his daughter, but Kenshin hoped the gods weren't that against him.

He glanced up to see Ryouga and Ukyo arguing about the best way to throw ammunition. Ukyo was demonstrating her technique with mini-spatulas and Ryouga was brandishing a dozen or so of his yellow bandanas.

All's well that ends well. Kenshin decided that he would have to talk to Ryouga one of these days without them calling each other names. He was still a little sore about Ryouga trying to get Kaoru, but his feelings of hostility have most certainly lessened. Whatever he felt now was residual. After all, Ryouga had still been the pig who might have been in Kaoru's room once upon a time.

"Ouch! What's your problem?" Ryouga complained as Ukyo hit him over the head.

"Ryou-honey, you could be such a moron sometimes!" She hissed, stalking away.

Ryouga followed her, apparently trying to appease her anger.

Kenshin chuckled. He wondered inwardly whether Ukyo was in the habit of calling someone "honey" even when she was angry.

Nabiki was, as usual, teasing Yahiko who was grudgingly cleaning the porch.

"Stop doing that!" Yahiko yelled.

"Awww...is my baby angry? Come over here and let Big Sis Nabiki give you a hug!"

"Aaaargh!"

Kenshin stifled a laugh. He never thought Nabiki could enjoy such inexpensive pursuits like teasing a little boy. She was human after all. Kenshin figured it was the less than mercenary air of the Meiji. He wondered what Nabiki could do to someone like Saitoh or Aoshi. Probably out-freeze them.

He was playing the scene of their meeting in his head when he felt the presence that had given him so much joy these past two years.

He turned from his laundry and saw Kaoru emerge with Akane from the kitchen. His bliss was momentarily interrupted at the thought that the two had actually cooked something. He never thought Kaoru's cooking was that bad, but if she had joined forces with Akane, who was even worse at it than her, things could get ugly.

Kenshin could still remember the toxic glob of something Akane had made for them that morning. The Nerima-gumi, except for Ranma, ran for their lives. Ranma sat it out by sheer force of courage, lest his wife mallet him to the next town and deny him bedroom rights for the next few days. The ones who stayed, and survived, were still washing the taste out of their mouths. Nabiki said something about selling "T-shirts" (whatever they were) that said, "I Survived Akane's Breakfast".

Kaoru held a kettle of hot water in her hand while Akane held a covered plate.

"Ranma! Genma! Front and center!" Kaoru ordered them.

Ranma eyed Kaoru warily but complied. "What have you two violent un-cute tomboys been up to?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

Oro! Is he hoping to get killed? Thought Kenshin in amazement.

Akane turned red, just beginning to boil over with indignation.

Kaoru was not so slow. Her lip twitched and her eyes flashed. She flung the kettle towards Ranma with such speed and agility that the projectile caught Ranma-chan squarely in the face, turning her back into a guy but knocking him into a stupor.

Ranma wavered and fell over on the grass, dazed.

"Jerk!" Kaoru huffed.

Akane peered at her husband gingerly, an evil smile on her face. "Ranma, my love. Have some cookies." She proceeded to stuff Ranma's mouth with perhaps the vilest concoctions known to man.

Ranma then woke up, gagged and made a mad dash to find a place where he could get rid of the cookies without Akane seeing him. Malevolently, Akane followed to make sure he swallowed his poison.

"Oro!"

"Served him right," Kaoru muttered, heading towards Kenshin.

Genma promptly held up a sign. "Hey! What about me?"

Kaoru put her hands to her waist and began to scold him. "Serves you right for raising such a prick, Genma. Run along now. Shoo!" She said, flicking her fingers away.

Genma held up a sign that said some pretty profane things, but he lumbered off, resolving to get some shuteye in another tree.

Kenshin smiled at Kaoru's approaching form.

"Mou! Isn't Ranma terrible?" Kaoru told him with a grin, sitting herself down on the grass beside him.

"The worse, love," he replied, humoring her.

Kaoru gave him a pout and tugged at his hair affectionately, lacing her fingers through the ends of his red locks. "You're teasing again, Kenshin."

"Of course, Kaoru-dono."

"Kenshin!"

He gave a chuckle and dabbed her nose with a small cluster of soap bubbles. "Maa...maa...I'm just kidding. You're just so cute when you pout."

She crossed her eyes to observe the suds on her nose and giggled, wiping it off with her sleeve. "Well, it's better than being called a violent un-cute tomboy."

"I would never call you un-cute, Kaoru-dearest," he said with a rurouni smile.

"Hey!" She cried in protest.

Kenshin laughed and stole a kiss from her lips. This appeased her in great degrees and she grinned. She leaned her chin on his shoulder and whispering something in his ear that caused him to kiss her again, dissolving her in a wave of giggles.

"Do you mind!" Yahiko cried from the porch, seriously annoyed. "You're both grossing me out!"

"Oro!"

"Manners, Yahiko-chan," Nabiki warned.

Yahiko turned red in the face. "Well then: You're both grossing me out, de gozaimasu!"

Nabiki laughed and pinched his cheek fondly. "That's better!"

Kaoru and Kenshin laughed in amusement.

A crash from the gate destroyed their reverie, sending all of them sputtering from the collecting cloud of dust that followed. The distinct ring of a bicycle bell confirmed what had descended upon the sanctity of Kaoru's dojo.

Kaoru groaned, hands to her head in despair. "Oh Shampoo!"

"Nihao, Ancient One!" Chimed the amazon in an all-white pajama-like ensemble, which looked strangely familiar. The basket attached to her bicycle had a stack of Chinese-style doggie bags, along with Cologne and her so-called pogo stick.

"Oro! Doesn't she ever use doors?" Kenshin asked, a bit miffed that his immaculately washed clothes have been defiled by dust particles.

"My apologies, Ancient Ones," Cologne said calmly, bouncing to the grass before them. "Great-Grand daughter and I are in a bit of a hurry. We have deliveries to make, you see."

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "You've actually set up shop?"

Cologne frowned at her. "Do you think we've been living in a cave and eating off nature these past few days? We have daily hotel bills to pay, you know."

"Actually..." Nabiki began.

"Stop talk Extortionist-girl," Shampoo said with a huff. "And Shampoo pretend she no detect sarcasm in voice."

Kaoru sighed in exasperation and got to her feet. "To what do I owe the honor of this destruction, amazons?"

Shampoo's face brightened. "You see airen? We make marriage plans! See?" She turned and showed them the back of her blouse. It said "Good" in Kanji.

Kenshin, for the life of him, still cannot grasp the seriousness of the situation and gave a guffaw.

Yahiko joined him in a hearty laugh. "Good and Evil! Oh man! That's perfect!" He shrieked, clutching his stomach.

Cologne glared at her great grand daughter and spoke. "That is not our primary concern at this time. We've come bearing bad news. It is wise that you call everyone over before I tell you anything."

Kaoru looked at Kenshin in dread. Cologne's bad news was almost never to be taken for granted.

Kenshin rose from his washing and wiped his hands on his apron. "Yahiko, go call the others."

Kaoru nodded. "We'll talk in the receiving room," she said, already leading the way for the two Chinese women.

Yahiko soon had everyone sitting in conference, sipping some hastily made tea.

"What's this about, Cologne?" Ranma asked, avoiding his wife's eyes. In their experience, whenever the old ghoul bore bad tidings, it usually involved Ranma, unwittingly or otherwise.

"I have converged with our Amazon ancestors in Joketsuzoku," Cologne began in a solemn tone.

"Eh?" Yahiko asked, scratching his head at the big word.

"She did a mumbo-jumbo grapevine thingie with her grandma-Amazons," Nabiki explained to him.

That sounded even more confusing to everyone else, but Yahiko apparently understood her, because he grinned and gave a nod for the elder to continue.

Cologne went on. "My bad news is this: The springs are currently dried up due to a horrible natural phenomenon called an earthquake some time last year. Any attempt to reconstruct the springs unnaturally will disrupt the forces that govern its magic. I'm afraid that the springs won't be useful, or harmful, in the next thirty or forty years."

The news fell upon them with a mental crash.

They were all silent at first, then Ranma and Ryouga began to glower in their respective chi.

Kaoru gasped in horror. A horrendous thought crossed her mind: Hiryu Shoten Ha and Bakusai Ten Ketsu inside my house! The rest of the Nerima-gumi was already inching away from them.

"S-Stop!" She cried desperately. "Ranma! Ryouga! Get a hold of yourselves, please!"

Kenshin and Yahiko were not sure what was going on, but by the looks of things, it wasn't going to be good.

Both men's eyes have already turned white with frustrated rage and Kaoru immediately jumped to her feet. With strength none of them knew Kaoru had, she grabbed both by their collars and flung them out, one after the other, to the koi pond with an ear-deafening battle cry.

The splash was incredible. Combined with the blue chi emanating from the men, the yard became bathed in light.

"Orororororo!" Kami-sama! I didn't know Kaoru could be THAT strong.

"A-Awesome!" Yahiko exclaimed in wonder. "That was awesome Master!"

Everyone was further surprised by the title.

Kaoru was breathing hard, her teeth clenched. "Thanks. Nobody will wreck this house while I'm alive!" She declared vehemently.

"Jou-chan! Kenshin! Everyone!" Sano cried, skidding through the hole in the gate. "I saw the explosion! Are you alright?"

"Airen!!!"

"Oh shit!" Sano cried, trying to take off in the opposite direction, but Shampoo had him down for the count in seconds.

Shampoo giggled as she pinned a shrieking Sano to the ground. "Shampoo and airen match well, yes?" She said, showing him her back.

Just then, Ranma emerged from the pond, her red hair all over her pretty face. She was sputtering angrily at no one in particular, and whatever chi-inducing emotions she previously had were washed off with the dunking.

Perhaps the real chaos began when a certain black little pig clambered out of the pond beside her, shaking its tiny body of excess water. The yellow bandana around its neck flopped about sloppily, adding to the poignant image.

Ranma, Kaoru and Kenshin winced at the inevitable. The rest, including Shampoo and perhaps Cologne, to a degree, were struck dumb.

"Oopsie..." Kaoru piped, moving a bit behind Kenshin.

"Ryouga..." Akane whispered.

P-chan froze, only then realizing exactly where he was and what he was. His beady eyes scanned the shocked faces around him and widened when they fell upon Akane who was already glowering in the shade of her namesake, Furious Red.

The piglet gave a loud squeal of alarm and scampered behind Ranma's legs.

"G-Get away from me, oinker!" Ranma shrieked, grabbing the pig by the scruff of its neck and flinging it towards Kenshin. All she could comprehend was that her wife was very, very angry, and that she didn't want to have anything to do with pig-face during that anti-hallmark moment.

"Ranma, you jerk!" Kaoru yelled from behind Kenshin.

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed, swinging his sheathed reversed edge sword right at the P-chan projectile.

His eyes spinning, P-chan headed straight towards Nabiki and the others.

"In coming!!!!" Yahiko shouted, scampering away with the others.

Cologne gave him the stick and sent him helter-skeltering to Sano and Shampoo.

"Aiya! No mood to be chopsuyed by former-airen's wife!" Shampoo shrieked

"I'm with you on that China," Sano said, taking a stance.

They both landed flying kicks at the doomed pig.

"Bweeeeeeee!" P-chan squealed, heading straight for Kuno who had just happened to appear at the hole in the gate.

"Oh crapeth..." Kuno muttered before the pig collided with his face.

"Ryouga!!!!!!!" Akane screamed, letting go of an Akane Ha, to the utter demise of both P-chan and Kuno.

They were both almost bacon.

Akane built up another chi-blast and was about to make the first edible dish of her life when Ukyo ran in between her and the two scorched men.

"Stop! Akane, don't do anything you'll regret!" Ukyo shouted, arms spread out.

"Get out of the way, Kuonji!" Akane growled.

"No way, honey!" Ukyo yelled. "You already got Ran-chan! There's no way you're going to take this one from me as well!"

"Oh great, a bitch fight! Just what we need!" Ranma said with a groan.

"What did you say?" Akane and Ukyo exclaimed in unison, averting their attention to Ranma with dangerous glares.

Genma held up a sign. "Big mistake, son!"

"Ulp!" Ranma cried. "Now, now...Akane, my love, Ucchan, my bestest friend in the whole world...'bitch' is alright to use girl to girl, right?"

"I'm taking bets!" Nabiki declared.

Kaoru frowned and rushed to the middle of the fray.

"K-Kaoru!" Kenshin wailed, ready to fling himself on top of her to protect her from the blitz.

With her fists to her side, she took a deep breath and got ready to shout. "ENOU -- oof!"

Kenshin had them both on the ground, and Kaoru struggled to find purchase. The fighting around them raged on with Akane and Ukyo descending on Ranma-chan with a vengeance.

"Kenshin, you idiot!" Kaoru yelled. "Get off me!"

"Are you kidding? Those women would have killed you, Kaoru!" Kenshin argued frantically.

Kaoru tried to wiggle away from him and sighed in exasperation. "Those women will total my dojo if I don't do something about it!"

"Let me handle it, Ancient One," Cologne said, bounding towards the fray. With quick strokes, all three women landed harmlessly on the grass in limp heaps.

They weren't moving, but they were completely conscious.

"Take this pressure point off me, Cologne!" Akane demanded through grit teeth, her face to the ground. "I have to kill my loving husband!"

"And I have to kill my bestest friend in the whole world," Ukyo added with a scowl.

"Eh-he-he," Ranma said from her place, up side down with her body leaning on a decorative rock. "I really don't mind being like this at all."

"The Ancient One has something to say," Cologne told them pointedly. "Ancient One?"

"I really wish you'd stop calling me that, Cologne," Kaoru muttered, getting to her feet. "Alright, everyone just calm down! Yahiko, get the hot water. Kenshin, please retrieve Ryouga and Kuno for me. Shampoo, behave yourself!"

Shampoo stopped trying to steal a kiss from Sano and sighed, slinking away from the terrified ex-gangster.

Her orders were followed one by one, and soon, she held a kettle of water in her hand to administer it to the accursed.

"Akane, when Cologne restores the use of your limbs, I don't want you to try to kill anybody," Kaoru told the prostrate girl. "We will resolve everything by talking. That goes for everyone, including me. Are we all clear on this?"

The muttered affirmative replies were enough for Kaoru. She transformed Ranma and had Kenshin fix Genma and Ryouga. Kuno was brought back from the world of the dead with a bucket full of cold water.

When everyone, including the Pressure Point victims were back to normal, they sat down and tried to talk in a civilized fashion.

Megumi slid open the door to the infirmary and shook the bottle of salve in her hand thoroughly. In her other hand was a wad of fresh bandages. It was time to redress the bindings for Happosai's bones.

She approached the withered little body and stifled a wince of disgust.

Megumi prided herself for being able to wholeheartedly provide care to all those who needed it, friend or foe. In the case of Happosai, she justified her repulsion by categorizing him under neither friend, nor foe, but "mummified".

Gingerly, she removed the sheets from her patient and began to remove his top. She could only thank the gods that Ken-san wasn't the "below the belt" kind of fighter.

Staring at the old man's fish-dried skin, her lip curled in distaste before dipping her fingers into the bottle of healing salve. Carefully, she smeared the herb-scented medicine all over Happosai's chest.

A horrible groan rumbled from the old man's throat.

Megumi pulled her hand back gingerly, cautiously waiting for what would happen next. "Grandpa?"

There was no response except the old man's normal breathing.

With a slight shrug, Megumi went back to work. A few seconds later, Happosai groaned again.

Megumi was already getting a weird feeling in the pit of her stomach. She stepped a bit away from the bed and stared at Happosai warily. "Er, if you can hear me, Grandpa, please tell me if there's something wrong," she said in a rather loud voice. She assumed he was somewhat hard of hearing, considering he was all shriveled up with age.

"Brrr..." He suddenly rasped in a labored voice.

Megumi's eyes widened, astonished that she had gotten a response. The man's eyes were still closed, but his lips were moving, which only meant that he was coming out of his coma. "Grandpa? Are you cold?" She asked, moving closer and motioning to pull the blankets over him.

Happosai shook his head very slightly. He raised a mummified hand. "Cup..."

"Of course! You're thirsty!" Megumi exclaimed, slapping her palm to her forehead. She was about to fetch some water when Happosai gave an incoherent rasp again, his head rocking weakly from side to side.

"Pa..." Happosai began.

Megumi's brows knotted in worry. She bent over him and put her ear close to his mouth. "Pain? Are you in pain? Tell me where so I can help you."

"C Cup..." Happosai whispered in her ear.

This made no sense to Megumi. "Eh?"

"Bras...Panties..."

"What?"

"Pretties...ohohoho...."

Megumi could not understand what he was getting at, but that odd chortle gave her the creeps. She was now internally battling along the lines of healing or fleeing, then a thought filtered its way into her mind. "He was going to touch Kaoru," Ranma had said, which was precisely the reason Happosai was in the clinic...

"I was right. You're a C Cup," she heard a lecherous voice say.

What...? Hand...on my..."Eeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!"

"Well, the good news is, nobody owes Nabiki Fifteen Thousand Yen," Yahiko quipped.

The frowns of the accursed told of a willingness to have made the sacrifice. Suddenly, Fifteen Thousand Yen did not seem so much faced with the obliteration of their hopes for a cure.

"Shampoo feel sad again seeing sad people all around," said the amazon, trying to rub herself against Sano's arm.

Sano squirmed away with little success. "Well here, go cry somewhere else," he said, tossing a table napkin in her direction.

"My great grand daughter was suppose to have told you this two days ago," Cologne said, eyeing Shampoo and Sano. "But she was distracted, so I was told."

"I'm really sorry guys," Kaoru said sympathetically. "I wish things could have worked out differently."

"Shit happens," Nabiki muttered. She felt as if her stocks had just crashed.

"Such is life," Genma said ponderously. "I think I'm going to get myself something to eat." He henceforth splashed himself with cold water and lumbered to one of the bamboo plants in one end of the yard.

Akane put her arm around her husband and gave him a comforting hug. "You know what, idiot-dear? I think I'll just deck you and Ryouga for not telling me about P-chan later. Right now, I think you need some TLC."

Ranma sighed dejectedly but smiled at his wife. "Thanks tomboy. Sometimes, you really come through for me."

Akane grinned. "What are friends for, pervert?"

"Sexless."

They both laughed.

"I will never understand those two." Kenshin muttered to himself.

Ryouga fidgeted. "Umm, Akane? I am sorry for--"

"We'll talk later, Ryouga," Akane said whose attention was at the moment, directed at Ranma while her fingers played with her husband's hair tenderly.

"But--"

Akane rolled her eyes around and she gave Ryouga a drop-dead look. "I said, we'll talk later."

"Right," Ryouga responded. "Later. Check."

The momentary lull was interrupted by a loud shriek coming from outside the gates.

"Oh, what now?" Kaoru asked, getting to her feet, knowing that whatever it was, it would be related to them.

Megumi came bounding through the gates, flushed and terrified. She flung herself into Kaoru's arms and alarmed everyone with her panic-stricken face. "Pervert! Pervert!!! Happosai!"

"Happosai? He's awake?" Kaoru responded.

Megumi nodded and everyone got to their feet in response.

"Forsooth! The one even viler than Saotome has arisen from his slumber!" Kuno cried.

Megumi looked over her shoulder, searching frantically. "He...groped me..."

"What?!?!?" Sano cried, his fist curling. "Son of a bitch! He's SO dead!"

"Why airen so angry if pervert-man touch woman-doctor?" Shampoo asked Sano sternly.

"Not now, Shampoo!" Sano hissed, pushing himself away from an amazon glomp. "Where is that pervert?"

In a flash of light, Happosai came jumping out of nowhere and proceeded to accost each and every woman present (under thirty), pulling out their underwear tops in the process. A series of different pitched shrieks invaded the house, and by the time Happosai had gone through all of them, the men were ready to wage a full-fledged war.

"Get back here, you dirty old man!" Ranma screamed, jumping after him.

"DIE HAPPOSAI!" Ryouga cried.

"How dare you dishonor the beauteous Akane and the hauntingly sublime Kamiya Kaoru!"

"I'm going to hurt you so bad, pervert!" Sano growled, charging into the rumble.

Kenshin didn't even have to say anything. He had his sword out, his eyes have gone golden, and he was flying through the air with perhaps the best speed among the throng of pursuers.

Chi blasts were flying in all directions, and the punches and kicks that missed landed all over the place, leaving craters and splinters of wood at its wake.

Through it all, Happosai was having the time of his life.

Kenshin had a right mind to beat off all the men so that he could get it on with Happosai one on one, but if he did, they'd never forgive him for it.

"This is insane!" Kaoru cried.

"Alright girls!" Ukyo said, whipping out her spatula. "Are we gonna let the men have all the fun? Those are our bras Happosai has! I happen to like my CKs! Are you in?"

Kaoru had a determined look on her face as she pulled out her bokken. "Victoria's Secret sez so!"

"So does Josie Natori!" Akane growled, mallet in hand.

"Shampoo not wear bra, but want get back for indecency!" The amazon said in rage.

"Attack!!!!" Yelled the combat women in unison.

The battle became crazier than ever.

"Oh my god!" Megumi exclaimed as Ranma and Ryouga let go of ki blasts.

"Um...I think I'll sit this one out," Yahiko remarked, observing the mayhem before him.

Nabiki pulled herself and the doctor to a safe distance. "Leave it to the pros. They'll be fine."

"I suppose," Cologne began with a sigh, "the deliveries are a goner."

Amidst the raging battle, Mousse appeared on top of the dojo gate. "Segara Sanosuke! I challenge you to a fight!"

"Not now, Mousse!" Kaoru said to him hastily, kicking off into the air in the hopes of landing a big one on Happosai.

Mousse paid her no heed and tried to make out the blurry figures beyond his glasses.

He saw a white figure, with Kanji on its back.

"Ah...Segara Sanosuke, say your prayers!" Mousse muttered with a smirk.

Mousse jumped, raised his sleeves and released long chains that wound itself around the Kanji marked ex-gangster.

The chains wrapped his opponent's entire form in seconds and Mousse flung him to the roof of the house.

And then he heard it: The voice of his beloved crying out with a resounding "Aiya!"

"Well, that solves Sano's problems, at least," Cologne said ponderously after watching her great grand daughter being flung headfirst on the roof by her now idiot-son-in-law, Mousse.

She watched as Mousse realized that he had made a terrible (but very fortunate) mistake. He rushed to Shampoo's still form and began unwrapping her from her chains.

Megumi looked at her. "Does it now?"

Cologne nodded. "Amazon law says that between a male outsider and a male amazon who has both beaten the same amazon woman in battle, the chronological order being irrelevant, the male amazon will always be preferred and have precedence."

"Didn't know you cared, Megumi," Nabiki said with a smirk, winking at Yahiko who grinned in return.

Megumi gave a huff. "As if!"

Yahiko gasped. "Hey look!" He said, pointing to Kaoru's mirror that was now hung against the wall of the receiving room.

It was glowing, and something was forming within the halo of light.

"If a demon steps out of that, I swear..." Nabiki said nervously.

Cologne shook her head. "No. The chi is powerful, but it isn't evil."

The mirror's surface flashed brightly and they had to squint their eyes to see through the glare.

A woman stepped out. Her stance was distinguished, with purpose, and she brandished a sword.

Happosai didn't know what hit him, or rather, he knew it too well. He dropped to the ground in an unconscious heap, a diagonal imprint of a sword on his body from shoulder to hip.

"Cool, Kenshin! You did it again!" Ranma said, dropping to a graceful crouch on the grass.

The rest of the men did the same and the women clamored forward to retrieve their mistreated delicates.

Kenshin stared at them, dumbfounded. "I didn't do anything."

Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at him. "Eh?" They demanded in unison.

Kaoru rose to her feet. "But that's impossible! You and Hiko are the only two people in the world who can do an Amekakeru Ryuu No Hirameki!" She was waving her bra about, and the sight of it sent Ryouga in a nosebleed.

"Correction," said a familiar voice from the corner of the yard. "Himura-sama and Hiko-sama are the only two people who can do it in this generation. As for the future generations..."

A general gasp came as they saw who the woman was.

"Mom!" Ranma and Akane cried.

"Auntie Nodoka!" Kaoru exclaimed, a smile spreading across her face. "When did you get here?"

Nodoka smiled back and sheathed her sword. "About a minute ago. I've come here for a reason. Think we can all sit down and talk?"

"Of course, auntie," Kaoru said, grabbing Happosai's still form and then taking the woman affectionately by the arm.

"Ranma, where is your father?" Nodoka asked.

Ranma scoffed. "Beats me, mom. He didn't join in on the fight, and now that you're here, he's probably hiding."

"Probably," Nodoka responded.

Mousse came towards them carrying an unconscious Shampoo in his arms. He looked extremely worried.

"My god! You didn't!" Ukyo exclaimed.

Mousse looked very troubled. "I'm afraid I did."

"Well, that's good, isn't it?" Kaoru intoned. "Not only is Sano off the hook, but Shampoo now has to marry you by operation of Amazon Law."

Sano's eyes widened. "Really? Yahoo! I'm a free man!"

"But I never wanted to hurt her like this!" Mousse cried in despair, nuzzling Shampoo's forehead remorsefully.

Kenshin took pity on him, seeing that the Amazon male was guilt ridden with the fact that he had knocked his beloved unconscious. In the most extreme way, Kenshin knew exactly how Mousse felt. "Have Megumi-dono check on her. She is a doctor, but I'm sure Shampoo-dono will be fine."

Mousse nodded and went to Megumi who immediately took to treating the girl in the receiving room. Happosai was now officially struck out of her waiting list.

For the nth time that day, they all sat to convene.

Kaoru introduced the Kenshin-gumi. When she got to Kenshin, Nodoka eyed the samurai critically.

"Is he manly?" Nodoka asked Kaoru in a whisper that wasn't soft enough for no one else to hear.

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed, turning red in the face.

Kaoru gave Kenshin a sly wink before replying. "Of course he is, auntie."

"Thank you very much, Madame, for taking care of Kaoru when she was in Nerima," Kenshin said to Nodoka with a respectful bow.

"Very polite, just like you said, Kaoru-chan," Nodoka said in approval.

Kenshin thought this to be a little embarrassing.

Nodoka turned to everyone and her presence demanded their attention. "I've come here to get everyone who belongs to Nerima back to Nerima. There will be no more honeymoons in the Meiji, or hunting for cures to curses. There are far too many risks to let you all loose around here. There have been disturbances in the balance already."

This sounded quite alarming.

"What kind of disturbances, mom?" Akane asked with a worried frown.

"Well," Nodoka said. "For starters, has there been an attempt to get Kaoru to end up with someone other than Himura-sama?"

The guilty and embarrassed faces that suddenly rose out of the room said it all.

Nodoka sighed and shook her head. "Do any of you realize that changing that particular part of history would have been disastrous? Ranma, my son, you would have undertaken your own non-existence."

"What?" Ranma asked.

Nodoka nodded and presented a huge, age-worn book. "I dug this out of a private collection back in Nerima," she explained. She opened it to a page that revealed an intricately done chart. Upon closer observation, they could make out wide spanning branches that had the makings of a family tree. Nodoka pointed to the top.

Kenshin and Kaoru's eyes widened.

"Why, those are our names!" Kaoru exclaimed.

"That's right," said Nodoka. "Now look down there." She pointed to a section on the page again.

"Oro! It's Ranma-dono..."

Realization struck the whole room like a bolt of lightning.

"Holy...SHIT!" Ranma cried, staring at Kenshin and Kaoru. "You guys are my great, great, great grandparents!"

Cologne chuckled. "Will wonders never cease? If I can convince the Ancient One to join my sisters in Joketsuzoku in this era, Shampoo might eventually end up with Ranma after all!"

Akane glared at her. "Don't even think about it, Cologne." She warned.

"The private collection is owned by my clan, stemming from the Himura line. Not only did you pass over this reversed edge sword I have here, Himura-sama, but you somehow managed to teach Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu to your heirs, your way, of course. That's how I learned it." Nodoka went on to say. "If you still don't believe me, then I have one simple question for you: Where do you think Ranko got such red hair from?"

"Oro!"

"Kenshin! We're going to have seven kids! Look!" Kaoru said delightedly, bending over the page more closely.

"Oro!"

"Kenshin, you dog!" Sano said with a laugh.

Kaoru squinted. "There's some fading print here...are those dates?"

Nodoka closed the book hastily and placed her hands on the cover. "There are some things you're better off not seeing, Kaoru-chan, unless you want to know what year you and Himura-sama are going to die."

Kaoru and Kenshin paled.

Ranma's eyes swerved to Nabiki who was already sneaking off. "And where do you think you're going?"

Nabiki turned around and tried to flash a brilliant smile. "I remembered that I forgot something in my room...I just have to..."

"Oh no you don't," Akane said sternly. "Get back here, Big Sister!"

"Look, if I knew, I never would have done what I did," Nabiki tried to explain. "And it's not like it's completely my fault. When you think about it, Ryouga's the real culprit."

"H-Hey!" Ryouga protested immediately. "There was nothing remotely 'grandmother' about Kaoru! So if I...had a thing for her, you can just bite me!"

Kuno shook his head in disbelief. "I cannot reconcile the fact that a vile sorcerer such as Saotome Ranma could have sprung from the loins of such distinguished ancestors. You are not fit to call yourself Kamiya Kaoru's grandchild, nor the great Battousai's descendant."

Ranma frowned at him and clenched a fist. "Tatewaki, why don't I honor my ancestor's 'loins' right now by pulverizing yours!"

"Maa...maa...Ranma-kun," Kenshin said. Everyone noticed that he had significantly changed the honorific. "Do not shame the Himuras by being affected with Kuno-san's 'loins'."

All except Kuno laughed.

"Doth mock my 'loins'!"

"Your 'loins' are going to get it if you don't shut-up, Tacchi," Nabiki warned him.

"Then of course," Nodoka said to Kaoru and Kenshin aside, her voice lowered confidentially. "There's the matter of the lost boy. I take it a certain ex-gangster isn't very good with directions?"

Kaoru and Kenshin raised an eyebrow towards Sano, whom they recalled got terribly lost on the way to Kyoto once upon a time.

"The curse intensifies through the generations," Nodoka said with a chuckle.

"Who does he end up with?" Kaoru asked.

"Do you really want to know?" Nodoka responded.

Kaoru nodded and leaned over.

Nodoka bent over and covered her mouth to speak in Kaoru's ear. Kaoru's eyes widened in surprise and then she chuckled, sitting back when Nodoka was done.

"Well, maybe I should have expected it, but...wow! Who'd have thought?" Kaoru said.

Kenshin raised an eyebrow. "Kaoru-dearest, who will Sano end up with?"

Kaoru laughed. "Oh, don't you dearest me! I'll tell you some other time. The answer will surprise you!"

Kenshin tried to tease her into giving in, and they were so involved with each other that Yahiko again made a face. Ukyo just had to say, "No wonder you guys ended up with seven kids. You're so, like, all over each other!"

Kenshin and Kaoru blushed.

"So you see," Nodoka spoke. "I have to get all of you out of here before you cause any further damage to the cosmos. I shudder at the thought that you might have changed something already."

"When do we have to go, mom?" Ranma asked, his tone reluctant.

Nodoka gave him an understanding smile. "Now, I'm afraid."

One way or another, everyone gave sighs of disappointment. Even the Kenshin-gumi looked quite saddened by the news. Chaotic as their lives may have become, the arrival of the Nerima-gumi has made things very interesting without the usual psychotic killers who want revenge. Well...at least Psychotics, Killers and Vengeance Seekers never came together all in one person. Distributing the characteristics among individuals definitely made all the difference. The main thing was, it was only now that they were all finally getting along. It would have been ten times as fun now that they were all on their way to being friends.

"Hey! Yahiko-chan!" Sano called. "Are you crying?"

Yahiko scratched his eye and scowled. "N-No! Course not! Just got something in my eye, that's all! And don't call me chan!"

Everyone stifled their laughter.

"A-Airen..." a tiny voice breathed from the corner.

Those in conference looked at the direction of the makeshift medic's station.

"Sh-Shampoo!" Mousse exclaimed, his voice a bit panic stricken.

"It's okay," Megumi told him gently. "She'll be fine. I've seen worse."

"Duck boy?" Shampoo spoke, blinking slowly out of her unconsciousness. "You one who defeat me?"

Mousse nodded wordlessly.

Shampoo sat up with Mousse helping her. She shook her head a bit to clear her vision then she looked at Mousse with an eyebrow raised. "That make you new...fiancée."

He nodded again, anticipating some sort of reproach or admonition.

Shampoo stared for a moment and no one said anything, awaiting her reaction.

What she said was completely unexpected. "Could be worse. Shampoo could have gotten engaged to pig-boy. That Shampoo not stand."

Mousse's face brightened to a smile and a general sigh of relief pervaded among the spectators. Ryouga gave Kaoru a sidelong glance that said, "Told you so."

Kaoru laughed.

"Does this mean I'm off the hook, Fox Lady?" Sano asked Megumi with a wink.

Megumi gave him a dazzling smile. "Oh, is that what you think? You can just kiss my ass and oh, maybe help out in the clinic every day for say, three months? Make that four, and I just might consider giving you a chance. In the meantime, why don't you find a job? Women like that in a man, don't you know."

Sano bristled visibly and tried to ignore the smothered giggles.

"Anyway," Ukyo said, grinning from ear to ear. "About leaving. Couldn't we like, have a going away party? You know, this is the best time I've had, ever, and I wouldn't want to just up and leave.

Apart from Cologne, who was merely staring with aging complacency, the faces surrounding Nodoka turned to her with pleading eyes.

"Mom, that would be really nice," Akane said.

"Party!" Yahiko cheered.

The whole room erupted with appeals and heartwarming petitions.

Nodoka gave them an amused smile then turned to Kenshin and Kaoru. "What do you think Grandmother? Grandfather?"

Laughter filled the room and they knew their request had been granted.

The express party was undertaken.

The girls put on their party clothes and Kaoru even changed into a nice twentieth century little dress (to the utter almost-nosebleed of Kenshin). After everyone pitched in to prepare a few snacks, Nabiki replenished the batteries on her radio and cranked up the volume.

Genma, with a single sword flash from Nodoka, joined in on the festivities as a man.

The Kenshin, Sano, Yahiko and Megumi had never heard such upbeat music in their lives.

"Come on, Yahiko. I want to give this music a whirl," Megumi said, pulling the boy to the dance floor where Akane and Ukyo were already busting a groove with a very hilarious Ranma.

Yahiko stuck a tongue out at Sano before giving his full attention to the doctor.

Sano grumbled a few expletives before turning to his sake.

"Get over here, Ryou-honey! Show me what you got!" Ukyo called, gesturing to Ryouga who was now turning extremely red.

"Er...I don't really dance..."

"Neither do I, but who the hell cares?" Ranma said, executing a totally absurd funky-chicken.

"That ought to convince anybody," Ryouga muttered, getting to his feet.

Kaoru giggled upon seeing that Ryouga was almost as hopeless as Ranma.

"Oof!" Ranma and Ryouga exclaimed, as they slammed full-bodied into each other. They fell on their butts at the same time, sending the whole room into howls of laughter.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Ranma demanded. "Why do you turn everything into a fight?"

"It's not like I didn't warn you, you know," Ryouga responded, wobbling back to his feet.

Shampoo had given up on Mousse who was currently dancing with a pillar of wood.

"Shampoo, is it just me or have you lost a little weight?" Mousse asked the beam.

"Duck-boy moron!" Shampoo muttered, sitting herself down and letting Mousse romance the wooden column. "How Mousse-idiot mistake Shampoo for pole is mystery. Shampoo have curves to die for and Mousse think I'm stick of wood. Very moron!"

"Genma, dance," Nodoka told her husband curtly.

Cowering under the shadow of the sword his wife held, he scampered to his feet. "Yes, precious." He started to do an even worse dance than his son.

"At least we know where Ranma got such zero dancing-talent, koishii," Kenshin whispered to Kaoru.

Kaoru laughed. "Yes. Not from our side of the family!"

"My feet doth stir, oh frozen one," Kuno said to Nabiki. "Will thou join me in this flighty revelry?"

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "How much you got?"

"Three Thousand Yen."

"Deal."

Nabiki swept Kuno in a travesty of a tango.

With an evil grin on her face, Cologne tossed the unconscious Happosai up into the air. "Mock Beachball!" She said.

The dancing crowd cheered and Happosai bounced haplessly above hands and heads.

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed as Megumi tossed the old man high enough to make him bounce off the ceiling.

"Alright, you two," Kaoru said to Kenshin and Sano. "I'll take both of you on. Come on."

Pulling both men with her, she danced between them gracefully, flustering her dancing partners with her ease.

Megumi bit her tongue from making a Jou-chan-Sano remark, seeing that the rooster-head was panicked enough at the mere anticipation of the fox's teasing.

The song "We Are Family" rang from the radio and the Nerima-gumi with Kaoru whooped in delight.

It was appropriate, in more ways than one, because family, blood or not, they certainly were.

Late in the night, the Nerima-gumi decided it was time to go.

Standing in front of the mirror, there was a bittersweet atmosphere amidst the smiles.

"Kaoru-chan, we'll miss you so much," Ukyo said, hugging her friend tightly. "Me, especially."

Kaoru hugged her back, feeling her tears coming already. "I will miss all of you too. I wish we could always see each other, but as Auntie Nodoka said, it isn't safe."

Akane hugged her next, whispering heartfelt words of gratitude. "You know I love you, Kaoru-chan. You were the reason Ranma and I finally found each other."

Kaoru smiled, pinching her cheek. "You be good, great, great, great grand daughter in law."

Akane laughed with tears in her eyes.

Ranma gave Kaoru a stiff embrace, a hurried kiss on her cheek and a muttered, "Thanks for everything and I love you too. Bye, foster sis...er, great grandma."

"Jeez, Ranma, grow up!" Kaoru told him with a chuckle.

"Whatever!"

Nodoka cried buckets before letting Kaoru go.

Nabiki stepped up, kissed Kaoru's cheek and said, "Kaoru, we could have gone places."

"Yes, yes," Kaoru responded tolerantly, waving her hand. "I know. Goodbye Nabiki. I will miss your conniving little heart."

"And I will miss yours," Nabiki said, cocking a grin. "Rooster-head, shape up. You, Kenshin, it was nice having the pleasure of turning you into mush. Yahiko, you be good now. Nabiki is always watching. Truth be told, I think you're the most adorable eleven year old I've ever met."

"How 'bout coming back when I'm twenty something?" Yahiko asked with a smirk.

"I'll think about it," Nabiki replied with a straight face. "Megumi-sensei, you go girl."

"Always," Megumi said, raising an eyebrow and smiling.

Shampoo, Cologne and Mousse went before Kaoru together, bowing respectfully.

"We will always remember you with reverence, Ancient One," Cologne spoke for all of them.

Kaoru chuckled. "Sure hope so. Maybe I'll look into your invitation to the Amazon Tribe."

All three looked at her with hope.

"Oro! K-Kaoru-dearest!" Kenshin exclaimed in horror.

"Kidding," Kaoru said to ease his fears.

The Amazons gave resigned shrugs.

Genma, who was now a panda again, held up a sign. "Goodbye Kaoru! Glad to know I played pop to my wife's ancestor for four years!"

"I'm not exactly a Daddy's Girl in your case, Genma, but in a strange way, I'll miss you too," Kaoru said as a matter of factly.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow! Would thou finally honor mine lips on this final night of our tryst?" Kuno asked.

"Nice try, Tacchi, but Kenshin will kill you first. Not that it matters to me, or anything," Kaoru replied cheerfully.

Kenshin's feral grin just confirmed her words.

"Oh," Kuno responded. "If that is the case, accept this bokken as a sign of my undying love. Perhaps, its purity will exorcise you of the vile Humura's sorcery."

"Thanks Tachhi. I'll treasure it always," Kaoru said with just a wee-bit of sarcasm. She took the bokken and slung it over her shoulder to oblige him.

"Umm...Kaoru-chan?"

Kaoru turned and gave Ryouga her loveliest smile. "You, Pig-boy! Get over here."

Ryouga approached her meekly.

Kaoru took him in a warm embrace of which he was quick to be receptive to.

Kenshin grit his teeth and his eyes, usually either purple or gold, began to turn green.

"Kenshin, you better not turn Hitokiri or no make-out for the next seven days," Kaoru said, not leaving Ryouga's embrace.

"Y-Yes, dearest."

"Now," Kaoru whispered in Ryouga's ear. "There's a wonderful girl waiting for you to let me go completely and I want you to learn how to love her with all your heart. Okay?"

Ryouga peeked from the tangle of Kaoru's hair and saw Ukyo. He smiled and gave Kaoru the simplest of replies. "Okay."

They separated and Ryouga approached Kenshin with confidence. "You better take care of Kaoru, you Old Geezer, or I'll be last thing you'll see on this earth."

Kenshin gave a good-natured shrug and grinned. "Kiss mine, Bacon-breath-dono."

The two rivals cocked each other a smile.

Ryouga joined the Nerima-gumi, stepping up beside Ukyo and holding her hand. The smiles they exchanged with each other held great promise.

Ranma hauled Happosai in his arms. "Bye you guys. Maybe we'll see each other again. Kenshin, you kick ass like a real pro." He reached out to the mirror and said the magic words.

The mirror flashed, enveloping them in light, and a second later, the Nerima-gumi were gone.

Author's Note: Before you think everything's over, I would like to remind you that there's still the matter on who Sano ends up with to become Ryouga's ancestor. You'll see. It's interesting.

I'm really sorry Ryouga and Kenshin didn't really get to face off. I did get a lot of requests for that, but I wanted to keep the seriousness to a minimum (you noticed?). Besides, Kenshin would have to kick Ryouga's butt if I put in a fight, and I don't hate Ryouga, you know, which is why I gave him Ukyo. I'm also sorry Weasel-girl didn't make it to the billing.

Furthermore, I would just like to point out that I thought starting and ending the Nerima-Meiji get together with utter chaos sort of brings it around full-circle. Hope you liked that touch. Go get some closure and read the Epilogue.

Epilogue: 'Tis Written

10. Epilogue: 'Tis Written

Author's Note: Oh, this was so much fun to write. It was a real catharsis for me, know what I mean? The ole gotta get it out of my system bit. This is the last chapter, and I just want to say that all your reviews really got me through. I honestly fed off all your comments, compliments and criticisms. Reviews to me are like Kenshin's Kaoru, Ranma's Akane, Nabiki's yen...you get the picture. I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but I'm kinda depressed this is done. The thing is, I try never to go into too many things when I write a story so that it doesn't get old. I'm not as good at perfect- length as the other authors whom I admire so much for doing great WAFF and drama.

Major lime in this chapter, just for fun. I'm warning you it's pretty scandalous. I think I am a hentai by heart.

If you think that's too much information...excuse me for living!

Standard disclaimers apply. (I will find my genie yet! Watch out, Watsuki-sama! Takahashi-sama! Only a matter of time...MWAHAHAHAHA! Oops...he-he...sort of slipped for a second there...)

On with the story.

Epilogue: 'Tis Written

"K-KENSHIN YOU MORON!!!!!!" Kaoru screamed amidst her gut-wrenching pain. "AAAAARGH! GET IT OUT OF ME!" She yelled, clutching at her husband's hair, pulling none to gently.

"A thousand apologies, Kaoru-dono. I don't know how!" He stuttered.

Danm! Sano thought as he sat with Yahiko in the waiting room of the clinic. The moron is so panicked that he's spitting out honorifics! Jou-chan's going to eat him alive!

Kaoru grit her teeth as another contraction hit her. "What do you mean you don't know how?" She demanded wrathfully. "You put it there!"

"H-Help Megumi-dono!" Kenshin pleaded desperately.

Megumi snickered to herself before speaking. "Alright, Tanuki-chan. I need you to calm down." She said firmly as she knelt before Kaoru. She had all her materials ready and she was in top form. "Let me see."

Kaoru was breathing in quick gasps, sweat breaking out from her temple. Dammit! If I had known giving birth was this painful, I would never...well, I would have, but SHIT! Is all that great sex worth this suffering? And I have to go through this six more times! Kenshin, you're SO going to sleep in Yahiko's room tonight!

"Oh! God!" Kaoru groaned, her head rolling back in exasperation. She squeezed Kenshin's hand tighter than ever and he almost fainted at her death-grip. "Tell me the baby's ready! Ohhhhh! Kenshin, I'll get you for this!"

"Maa...darling..."

"Don't you darling me, pervert!" She yelled as Megumi calmly peered at her nether regions.

Kenshin frowned a bit. "This unworthy one wasn't the only one in that bed, I'll have you know," he protested.

Kaoru glared at him. "Oh is that how you feel? Well, then no sex for you, rurouni, for the next six months! Owwwww!"

"Oro! Kaoru-darling, this unworthy one was just kidding, you see. No need to be so hasty..."

Megumi laughed. "Can you forget about your short-sword for just one minute and help me get her through this without upsetting her any further, Ken-san?"

"I am sorry. This unworthy one will shut-up now," Kenshin said, letting the doctor's words sink in. He tried to give Kaoru some much-needed TLC amidst her screaming and concentrated on making her feel more comfortable.

"You're ready, Tanuki-chan," Megumi said. "Now push."

And push Kaoru did.

Kenshin gazed anxiously at his wife as she gave birth to their first child. He could tell that she was not having an easy time of it.

No duh! You knocked her up pretty well, rurouni.

Shut-up Battousai, I don't need you right now!

FYI, rurouni, you're turning to jello at this very moment. I was always tougher than you.

I AM NOT going to lay golden eyes on my child on his first moments here on earth.

The little guy's not as much of a sissy as you are, sissy. He's tougher than you'll ever be.

Of course he'll be tougher! Little Kenji's got more going for him than I ever did.

Yep, he's going to be a kick-ass kid! We did good, rurouni.

Yes. At least we agree on one thing.

Who's the man?

At this thought, Kenshin remembered with great mortification his first intimacy with Kaoru on the night of their wedding.

He had been certain that he was so ready for it. After all, it wasn't his first time to make love to a woman...

Kenshin stared at the shoji door to the room he would be sharing with Kaoru the rest of their lives.

Alright, stud! Show her what you've got! You love her and you desire her. You will be phenomenal and you will make her the happiest woman ever to roll in the hay.

Battousai, we're in this together. I swear, if you lose control...

Yeah, yeah, but you know she'll ask for me some time...

Little-Kenshin started to act up at the mere suggestion of it.

Oro! Not yet!

Lighten up on the guy. He hasn't had any action for damn-well twelve years. It's only natural he'll be eager to meet Kaoru's...

Stop! My goodness! For shame! How can you be so crass about the woman we love?

A wise man once said that a blaze in the heart more often than naught causes a blaze way down below. What do you think Little-Kenshin is feeling?

But we want to please her, right?

In every way we can, you idiot! Now remember, you gotta hold off for her for as long as you can.

That goes without saying.

And you gotta treat it like the last, um, night of hers and your life.

Check.

Good! Who's the man?

We the man!

Who's the man?

We the man, de gozaru yo!

Ready?

Been ready for this for over a decade!

Good! Now go in there and give her the best--

I get the picture!

Well then, get the hell in there!

Kenshin pushed open the shoji door and stepped into the room. Trying for a seductive leer, only to find himself staring at his wife who was currently slinking on the futon like a half-cat, half-angel wearing the sexiest, laciest and most provocative concoction known to man.

Who's the ma...HOLY...!

Kaoru smiled supinely at him and twirled a finger in a lock of her hair. She knew Madam Victoria would do the trick. "Like what you see, Kenshin?"

"Oro..."

Wh-what do we do?

Oro! Ask Little-Kenshin. He seems up for the job.

Yikes! That was too naughty, even for me!

Battousai, I thought you knew what we were doing!

Well, we do! Dammit, where did she get that oh-so-wonderful lacey thing? How was I supposed to be prepared for a vision like that? God she's beautiful! I'm going to die!

I thought we were the MAN!

Er...we are! Now do your stuff.

Me? Why am I suddenly alone in this?

Idiot! This split personality thing is really getting to your head. We're one in the same person, you moron.

"Something wrong, Kenshin?" Kaoru asked, not looking the least bit worried. She was enjoying herself immensely.

"Absolutely nothing..." He sighed in a stupid daze.

She giggled and struck an even sultrier pose. "Then show me what you got, Himura."

Kenshin's world spun, his eyes rolling up.

Oro...that was too much...

And the great Hitokiri Battousai, famed and feared assassin of the Boshin Civil Wars, fainted dead away.

Well, of course they eventually got to it, hence their current fix, and they got to it pretty well. Hell, they got to it like there was no tomorrow, but not till after Kaoru got control of her delirious laughter.

It wasn't THAT funny.

Battousai had no objections to the thought.

All in all, their on-goings was the best you-know-what Kenshin has ever had in his entire life and perhaps the lives he had before. And judging by the noise she made, it was quite clear that the feeling was mutual.

How she can forget all that in this situation, conceding in point that it was an extremely painful one, was beyond him. He could only hope that she didn't find this experience too traumatic.

Kaoru gave a scream of exertion and then Megumi whooped.

A high pitched shriek sounded all over the room, overpowering Kaoru's gasps for breath.

"It's a boy!" Megumi cried, beginning to clean the child of the birth fluids that coated it.

"K-Kenshin, a son..." Kaoru whispered.

Kenshin stared at his child as Megumi wrapped it in swaddling clothes and laid it in the crook of Kaoru's arms. "I know..."

Kaoru didn't even admonish him for not telling her. She quickly fell to nursing their son in his first breath of life.

Kenshin stroked a delicate finger against the baby's forehead tenderly. "He's beautiful..."

"Isn't he?" Kaoru responded proudly, smiling down at the precious bundle. All previous death threats were forgotten.

Kenshin bent down and kissed their child's head, then his kiss found Kaoru's lips. No more words need have been said. After the kiss, he turned to his son again with love radiating from his eyes.

Who's the man?

This little prince right here.

Kaoru gave Kenshin a delighted grin and suppressed her laughter at the sight of Yahiko making the silliest faces at Kenji.

The moment visitors were allowed into the maternity ward, Yahiko pounced on the new arrival like a doting brother. Sometimes Yahiko spoke to Kenji in straight speech, other times it was baby-talk, but most times it was just faces, and what funny faces Yahiko made.

Yahiko was currently stuffing Kenji's fist in his mouth when Kaoru decided it was time to put Sano on the spot. "So, Sano, when are you going to ask Megumi to marry you?"

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed. He could swear that Kaoru was developing fox ears like Megumi.

Sano gave a disgruntled sneer. "Never crossed my mind. Why don't you ask the fox-lady when she'll propose to me."

Megumi turned away in disgust. "Ugh! I don't know whether to laugh, cry or throw up. Why would I marry a free-loading punk like him?"

"Hey, I resent being called a punk," Sano said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Megumi grinned evilly. "Fine! Free-loading roosterhead!"

"What!"

Yahiko doubled over in laughter. "Roosterhead!" He screeched.

Sano grumbled something about tanuki saying things she should just shut her trap about.

"I heard that!" Kaoru said, slamming her bokken on Sano.

"Ouch Jou-chan!" Sano yelped in surprise. "Jeez! For someone who's obviously getting some you sure are violent."

Kenshin and Kaoru glowered.

"Megumi-chan, tell your boyfriend to mind his own business," Kaoru said haughtily.

"Hmph! He's not my boyfriend!" Megumi said, turning her nose up distastefully. "Or I'd have been totally selling myself short."

"Hey! If it wasn't for guys like me, you'd be out of business!" Sano argued seriously.

Megumi fumed. "My practice could do more without guys like you! I don't particularly like making a routine out of setting broken bones courtesy of the idiot street fighter wannabe!"

They continued to bicker, and everyone else watched to enjoy it. It was times like these that Sano's wisecracking and Megumi's foxy wit was at its best.

"See those two?" Kaoru whispered to Kenshin. "They will go on like that forever. They will never marry."

"Oro! Dearest, you're not serious!"

"'Tis written. Auntie Nodoka said so," Kaoru said. "They will never marry at all. But they will have four kids."

Kenshin's astonishment was superceded by amusement. "I should have known. And Sano calls me a dog." He stared at the comic scene before him and he remembered another couple who lived and loved to fight. "I wonder how our grandkids are doing."

Kaoru giggled. "Oh Kenshin, I sure miss our Nerima friends."

"Yes. So do I."

"Even Ryouga?" Kaoru asked him mischievously.

Kenshin grinned. "Especially Ryouga. I have a lot of things to thank him for."

"Is that so?"

Kenshin nodded. "Ever heard of the expression 'pigs will fly...'?"

Back in the dojo, a full-length mirror flashed a luminescent white.

A bundle was expelled from its surface and toppled to the floor, gracing the receiving room with lacey bras and panties...

END?

Author's Final Note: There you go, the end of this saga. Finally! Not like I wanted it to end or anything like that. This is the most fun I've had in ages. I know what you're thinking...and just for the record, I'm not a LOSER. At least, that's what I'd like to think.

Maybe I should do a sequel of the Kenshin-gumi going to Nerima. I dunno. I'll let the idea fester a bit.

Well, that was it for the saga, this is goodbye.

I really must go now, with tears in my eyes.

Thank the gods baka Bacon-breath gave ole Kenshin a whammy

If not, cute Tanuki-chan would have bokkened his fanny

It was the hand of this author, though admittedly sly

That a little pig in a story would actually fly!

Ja, mata ato de!

Pig-boy Romances Tanuki-chan
by ~ Adamant Eve aka anna-neko ~


Category:	Rurouni Kenshin
Genre:	Humor/Romance
Status:	In-Progress
Rating:	T
Summary:
What will it take for Kenshin to admit his feelings to Kaoru? Why a pig, of course! RK and R1/2 crossover. Chapters have been rid of mistakes to the best of my abilities.

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