The Idiot Omnibus
Date: 1892-12-31T15:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Wit and Humor; Social Commentary; Friendship; Family
Description: In this sequence of humorous observations, flights of fancy, wry social commentary, and doggerel verse, a boarding-house resident habitually deflates the pretensions and flawed philosophies of his fellow boarders. They, of course, insist that he is an idiot spouting nonsense. * * * * This collection includes the books “Coffee and Repartee,” “The Idiot,” “The Idiot at Home,” “The Inventions of the Idiot,” “The Genial Idiot,” and “Half Hours With the Idiot.”
Publisher: MobileRead
Rights: Public domain in countries where the copyright term is “Life+90” or less, and in the USA.

The Idiot
AN OMNIBUS

JOHN KENDRICK BANGS

CONTENTS:

About This eBook

Coffee and Repartee
The Idiot
The Idiot at Home
The Inventions of the Idiot
The Genial Idiot
Half-Hours with the Idiot

About this eBook

The Idiot
AN OMNIBUS

JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
(1862–1922)

In this sequence of humorous observations, flights of fancy, wry social commentary, and doggerel verse, a boarding-house resident habitually deflates the pretensions and flawed philosophies of his fellow boarders. They, of course, insist that he is an idiot spouting nonsense.

This collection includes the books Coffee and Repartee, The Idiot, The Idiot at Home, The Inventions of the Idiot, The Genial Idiot, and Half Hours With the Idiot.

* * * *

John Kendrick Bangs (May 27, 1862 – January 21, 1922) was an American author, humorist, satirist, editor and lecturer. Between 1884 and 1906, he worked as editor at a number of magazines, among them Life, Munsey’s, The New Metropolitan, the Harper’s magazines, and the foremost humor magazine of its day, Puck. A highly popular and prolific writer, he had more than sixty books published.

This ebook was created by ECM for MobileRead.com, January 2019, and may be freely distributed for non-commercial purposes.

The contents of this book were first published 1893, 1895, 1900, 1904, 1908, 1917.

Text is in the public domain in countries where the copyright term is “Life+90” or less, and in the USA.

Click here for editing notes.

Coffee and Repartee

I

The guests at Mrs. Smithers’s high-class boarding-house for gentlemen had assembled as usual for breakfast, and in a few moments Mary, the dainty waitress, entered with the steaming coffee, the mush, and the rolls.

The Schoolmaster, who, by-the-way, was suspected by Mrs. Smithers of having intentions, and who for that reason occupied the chair nearest the lady’s heart, folded up the morning paper, and placing it under him so that no one else could get it, observed, quite genially for him, “It was very wet yesterday.”

“I didn’t find it so,” observed a young man seated halfway down the table, who was by common consent called the Idiot, because of his “views.” “In fact, I was very dry. Curious thing, I’m always dry on rainy days. I am one of the kind of men who know that it is the part of wisdom to stay in when it rains, or to carry an umbrella when it is not possible to stay at home, or, having no home, like ourselves, to remain cooped up in stalls, or stalled up in coops, as you may prefer.”

“You carried an umbrella, then?” queried the landlady, ignoring the Idiot’s shaft at the size of her “elegant and airy apartments” with an ease born of experience.

“Yes, madame,” returned the Idiot, quite unconscious of what was coming.

“Whose?” queried the lady, a sarcastic smile playing about her lips.

“That I cannot say, Mrs. Smithers,” replied the Idiot, serenely, “but it is the one you usually carry.”

“Your insinuation, sir,” said the Schoolmaster, coming to the landlady’s rescue, “is an unworthy one. The umbrella in question is mine. It has been in my possession for five years.”

“Then,” replied the Idiot, unabashed, “it is time you returned it. Don’t you think men’s morals are rather lax in this matter of umbrellas, Mr. Whitechoker?” he added, turning from the Schoolmaster, who began to show signs of irritation.

“Very,” said the Minister, running his finger about his neck to make the collar which had been sent home from the laundry by mistake set more easily—“very lax. At the last Conference I attended, some person, forgetting his high office as a minister in the Church, walked off with my umbrella without so much as a thank you; and it was embarrassing too, because the rain was coming down in bucketfuls.”

“What did you do?” asked the landlady, sympathetically. She liked Mr. Whitechoker’s sermons, and, beyond this, he was a more profitable boarder than any of the others, remaining home to luncheon every day and having to pay extra therefor.

“There was but one thing left for me to do. I took the bishop’s umbrella,” said Mr. Whitechoker, blushing slightly.

“But you returned it, of course?” said the Idiot.

“I intended to, but I left it on the train on my way back home the next day,” replied the clergyman, visibly embarrassed by the Idiot’s unexpected cross-examination.

“It’s the same way with books,” put in the Bibliomaniac, an unfortunate being whose love of rare first editions had brought him down from affluence to boarding. “Many a man who wouldn’t steal a dollar would run off with a book. I had a friend once who had a rare copy of Through Africa by Daylight. It was a beautiful book. Only twenty-five copies printed. The margins of the pages were four inches wide, and the title-page was rubricated; the frontispiece was colored by hand, and the seventeenth page had one of the most amusing typographical errors on it—”

“Was there any reading-matter in the book?” queried the Idiot, blowing softly on a hot potato that was nicely balanced on the end of his fork.

“Yes, a little; but it didn’t amount to much,” returned the Bibliomaniac. “But, you know, it isn’t as reading-matter that men like myself care for books. We have a higher notion than that. It is as a specimen of book-making that we admire a chaste bit of literature like Through Africa by Daylight. But, as I was saying, my friend had this book, and he’d extra-illustrated it. He had pictures from all parts of the world in it, and the book had grown from a volume of one hundred pages to four volumes of two hundred pages each.”

“And it was stolen by a highly honorable friend, I suppose?” queried the Idiot.

“Yes, it was stolen—and my friend never knew by whom,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“What?” asked the Idiot, in much surprise. “Did you never confess?”

It was very fortunate for the Idiot that the buckwheat cakes were brought on at this moment. Had there not been some diversion of that kind, it is certain that the Bibliomaniac would have assaulted him.

“It is very kind of Mrs. Smithers, I think,” said the Schoolmaster, “to provide us with such delightful cakes as these free of charge.”

“Yes,” said the Idiot, helping himself to six cakes. “Very kind indeed, although I must say they are extremely economical from an architectural point of view—which is to say, they are rather fuller of pores than of buckwheat. I wonder why it is,” he continued, possibly to avert the landlady’s retaliatory comments—“I wonder why it is that porous plasters and buckwheat cakes are so similar in appearance?”

“And so widely different in their respective effects on the system,” put in a genial old gentleman who occasionally imbibed, seated next to the Idiot.

“I fail to see the similarity between a buckwheat cake and a porous plaster,” said the Schoolmaster, resolved, if possible, to embarrass the Idiot.

“You don’t, eh?” replied the latter. “Then it is very plain, sir, that you have never eaten a porous plaster.”

To this the Schoolmaster could find no reasonable reply, and he took refuge in silence. Mr. Whitechoker tried to look severe; the gentleman who occasionally imbibed smiled all over; the Bibliomaniac ignored the remark entirely, not having as yet forgiven the Idiot for his gross insinuation regarding his friend’s édition de luxe of Through Africa by Daylight; Mary, the maid, who greatly admired the Idiot, not so much for his idiocy as for the aristocratic manner in which he carried himself, and the truly striking striped shirts he wore, left the room in a convulsion of laughter that so alarmed the cook below-stairs that the next platterful of cakes were more like tin plates than cakes; and as for Mrs. Smithers, that worthy woman was speechless with wrath. But she was not paralyzed apparently, for reaching down into her pocket she brought forth a small piece of paper, on which was written in detail the “account due” of the Idiot.

“I’d like to have this settled, sir,” she said, with some asperity.

“Certainly, my dear madame,” replied the Idiot, unabashed—“certainly. Can you change a check for a hundred?”

No, Mrs. Smithers could not.

“Then I shall have to put off paying the account until this evening,” said the Idiot. “But,” he added, with a glance at the amount of the bill, “are you related to Governor McKinley, Mrs. Smithers?”

“I am not,” she returned, sharply. “My mother was a Partington.”

“I only asked,” said the Idiot, apologetically, “because I am very much interested in the subject of heredity, and you may not know it, but you and he have each a marked tendency towards high-tariff bills.”

And before Mrs. Smithers could think of anything to say, the Idiot was on his way downtown to help his employer lose money on Wall Street.

II

“Do you know, I sometimes think—” began the Idiot, opening and shutting the silver cover of his watch several times with a snap, with the probable, and not altogether laudable, purpose of calling his landlady’s attention to the fact—of which she was already painfully aware—that breakfast was fifteen minutes late.

“Do you, really?” interrupted the Schoolmaster, looking up from his book with an air of mock surprise. “I am sure I never should have suspected it.”

“Indeed?” returned the Idiot, undisturbed by this reflection upon his intellect. “I don’t really know whether that is due to your generally unsuspicious nature, or to your shortcomings as a mind-reader.”

“There are some minds,” put in the landlady at this point, “that are so small that it would certainly ruin the eyes to read them.”

“I have seen many such,” observed the Idiot, suavely. “Even our friend the Bibliomaniac at times has seemed to me to be very absent-minded. And that reminds me, Doctor,” he continued, addressing himself to the medical boarder. “What is the cause of absent-mindedness?”

“That,” returned the Doctor, ponderously, “is a very large question. Absent-mindedness, generally speaking, is the result of the projection of the intellect into surroundings other than those which for want of a better term I might call the corporeally immediate.”

“So I have understood,” said the Idiot, approvingly. “And is absent-mindedness acquired or inherent?”

Here the Idiot appropriated the roll of his neighbor.

“That depends largely upon the case,” replied the Doctor, nervously. “Some are born absent-minded, some achieve absent-mindedness, and some have absent-mindedness thrust upon them.”

“As illustrations of which we might take, for instance, I suppose,” said the Idiot, “the born idiot, the borrower, and the man who is knocked silly by the pole of a truck on Broadway.”

“Precisely,” replied the Doctor, glad to get out of the discussion so easily. He was a very young doctor, and not always sure of himself.

“Or,” put in the Schoolmaster, “to condense our illustrations, if the Idiot would kindly go out upon Broadway and encounter the truck, we should find the three combined in him.”

The landlady here laughed quite heartily, and handed the Schoolmaster an extra strong cup of coffee.

“There is a great deal in what you say,” said the Idiot, without a tremor. “There are very few scientific phenomena that cannot be demonstrated in one way or another by my poor self. It is the exception always that proves the rule, and in my case you find a consistent converse exemplification of all three branches of absent-mindedness.”

“He talks well,” said the Bibliomaniac, sotto voce, to the Minister.

“Yes, especially when he gets hold of large words. I really believe he reads,” replied Mr. Whitechoker.

“I know he does,” said the Schoolmaster, who had overheard. “I saw him reading Webster’s Dictionary last night. I have noticed, however, that generally his vocabulary is largely confined to words that come between the letters A and F, which shows that as yet he has not dipped very deeply into the book.”

“What are you murmuring about?” queried the Idiot, noting the lowered tone of those on the other side of the table.

“We were conversing—ahem! about—” began the Minister, with a despairing glance at the Bibliomaniac.

“Let me say it,” interrupted the Bibliomaniac. “You aren’t used to prevarication, and that is what is demanded at this time. We were talking about—ah—about—er—”

“Tut! tut!” ejaculated the Schoolmaster. “We were only saying we thought the—er—the—that the—”

“What are the first symptoms of insanity, Doctor?” observed the Idiot, with a look of wonder at the three shuffling boarders opposite him, and turning anxiously to the physician.

“I wish you wouldn’t talk shop,” retorted the Doctor, angrily. Insanity was one of his weak points.

“It’s a beastly habit,” said the Schoolmaster, much relieved at this turn of the conversation.

“Well, perhaps you are right,” returned the Idiot. “People do, as a rule, prefer to talk of things they know something about, and I don’t blame you, Doctor, for wanting to keep out of a medical discussion. I only asked my last question because the behavior of the Bibliomaniac and Mr. Whitechoker and the Schoolmaster for some time past has worried me, and I didn’t know but what you might work up a nice little practice among us. It might not pay, but you’d find the experience valuable, and I think unique.”

“It is a fine thing to have a doctor right in the house,” said Mr. Whitechoker, kindly, fearing that the Doctor’s manifest indignation might get the better of him.

“That,” returned the Idiot, “is an assertion, Mr. Whitechoker, that is both true and untrue. There are times when a physician is an ornament to a boarding-house; times when he is not. For instance, on Wednesday morning if it had not been for the surgical skill of our friend here, our good landlady could never have managed properly to distribute the late autumn chicken we found upon the menu. Tally one for the affirmative. On the other hand, I must confess to considerable loss of appetite when I see the Doctor rolling his bread up into little pills, or measuring the vinegar he puts on his salad by means of a glass dropper, and taking the temperature of his coffee with his pocket thermometer. Nor do I like—and I should not have mentioned it save by way of illustrating my position in regard to Mr. Whitechoker’s assertion—nor do I like the cold, eager glitter in the Doctor’s eyes as he watches me consuming, with some difficulty, I admit, the cold pastry we have served up to us on Saturday mornings under the wholly transparent alias of ‘Hot Bread.’ I may have very bad taste, but, in my humble opinion, the man who talks shop is preferable to the one who suggests it in his eyes. Some more iced potatoes, Mary,” he added, calmly.

“Madame,” said the Doctor, turning angrily to the landlady, “this is insufferable. You may make out my bill this morning. I shall have to seek a home elsewhere.”

“Oh, now, Doctor!” began the landlady, in her most pleading tone.

“Jove!” ejaculated the Idiot. “That’s a good idea, Doctor. I think I’ll go with you; I’m not altogether satisfied here myself, but to desert so charming a company as we have here had never occurred to me. Together, however, we can go forth, and perhaps find happiness. Shall we put on our hunting togs and chase the fiery, untamed hall-room to the death this morning, or shall we put it off until some pleasanter day?”

“Put it off,” observed the Schoolmaster, persuasively. “The Idiot was only indulging in persiflage, Doctor. That’s all. When you have known him longer you will understand him better. Views are as necessary to him as sunlight to the flowers; and I truly think that in an asylum he would prove a delightful companion.”

“There, Doctor,” said the Idiot; “that’s handsome of the Schoolmaster. He couldn’t make more of an apology if he tried. I’ll forgive him if you will. What say you?”

And strange to say, the Doctor, in spite of the indignation which still left a red tinge on his cheek, laughed aloud and was reconciled.

As for the Schoolmaster, he wanted to be angry, but he did not feel that he could afford his wrath, and for the first time in some months the guests went their several ways at peace with each other and the world.

III

There was a conspiracy in hand to embarrass the Idiot. The Schoolmaster and the Bibliomaniac had combined forces to give him a taste of his own medicine. The time had not yet arrived which showed the Idiot at a disadvantage; and the two boarders, the one proud of his learning, and the other not wholly unconscious of a bookish life, were distinctly tired of the triumphant manner in which the Idiot always left the breakfast-table to their invariable discomfiture.

It was the Schoolmaster’s suggestion to put their tormentor into the pit he had heretofore digged for them. The worthy instructor of youth had of late come to see that while he was still a prime favorite with his landlady, he had, nevertheless, suffered somewhat in her estimation because of the apparent ease with which the Idiot had got the better of him on all points. It was necessary, he thought, to rehabilitate himself, and a deep-laid plot, to which the Bibliomaniac readily lent ear, was the result of his reflections. They twain were to indulge in a discussion of the great story of Robert Elsmere, which both were confident the Idiot had not read, and concerning which they felt assured he could not have an intelligent opinion if he had read it.

So it happened upon this bright Sunday morning that as the boarders sat them down to partake of the usual “restful breakfast,” as the Idiot termed it, the Bibliomaniac observed:

“I have just finished reading Robert Elsmere.”

“Have you, indeed?” returned the Schoolmaster, with apparent interest. “I trust you profited by it?”

“On the contrary,” observed the Bibliomaniac. “My views are much unsettled by it.”

“I prefer the breast of the chicken, Mrs. Smithers,” observed the Idiot, sending his plate back to the presiding genius of the table. “The neck of a chicken is graceful, but not too full of sustenance.”

“He fights shy,” whispered the Bibliomaniac, gleefully.

“Never mind,” returned the Schoolmaster, confidently; “we’ll land him yet.” Then he added, aloud: “Unsettled by it? I fail to see how any man with beliefs that are at all the result of mature convictions can be unsettled by the story of Elsmere. For my part I believe, and I have always said—”

“I never could understand why the neck of a chicken should be allowed on a respectable table anyhow,” continued the Idiot, ignoring the controversy in which his neighbors were engaged, “unless for the purpose of showing that the deceased fowl met with an accidental rather than a natural death.”

“In what way does the neck demonstrate that point?” queried the Bibliomaniac, forgetting the conspiracy for a moment.

“By its twist or by its length, of course,” returned the Idiot. “A chicken that dies a natural death does not have its neck wrung; nor when the head is removed by the use of a hatchet, is it likely that it will be cut off so close behind the ears that those who eat the chicken are confronted with four inches of neck.”

“Very entertaining indeed,” interposed the Schoolmaster; “but we are wandering from the point the Bibliomaniac and I were discussing. Is or is not the story of Robert Elsmere unsettling to one’s beliefs? Perhaps you can help us to decide that question.”

“Perhaps I can,” returned the Idiot; “and perhaps not. It did not unsettle my beliefs.”

“But don’t you think,” observed the Bibliomaniac, “that to certain minds the book is more or less unsettling?”

“To that I can confidently say no. The certain mind knows no uncertainty,” replied the Idiot, calmly.

“Very pretty indeed,” said the Schoolmaster, coldly. “But what was your opinion of Mrs. Ward’s handling of the subject? Do you think she was sufficiently realistic? And if so, and Elsmere weakened under the stress of circumstances, do you think—or don’t you think—the production of such a book harmful, because—being real—it must of necessity be unsettling to some minds?”

“I prefer not to express an opinion on that subject,” returned the Idiot, “because I never read Robert Els—”

“Never read it?” ejaculated the Schoolmaster, a look of triumph in his eyes.

“Why, everybody has read Elsmere that pretends to have read anything,” asserted the Bibliomaniac.

“Of course,” put in the landlady, with a scornful laugh.

“Well, I didn’t,” said the Idiot, nonchalantly. “The same ground was gone over two years before in Burrows’s great story, Is It, or Is It Not? and anybody who ever read Clink’s books on the Non-Existent as Opposed to What Is, knows where Burrows got his points. Burrows’s story was a perfect marvel. I don’t know how many editions it went through in England, and when it was translated into French by Madame Tournay, it simply set the French wild.”

“Great Scott!” whispered the Bibliomaniac, desperately, “I’m afraid we’ve been barking up the wrong tree.”

“You’ve read Clink, I suppose?” asked the Idiot, turning to the Schoolmaster.

“Y—yes,” returned the Schoolmaster, blushing deeply.

The Idiot looked surprised, and tried to conceal a smile by sipping his coffee from a spoon.

“And Burrows?”

“No,” returned the Schoolmaster, humbly. “I never read Burrows.”

“Well, you ought to. It’s a great book, and it’s the one Robert Elsmere is taken from—same ideas all through, I’m told—that’s why I didn’t read Elsmere. Waste of time, you know. But you noticed yourself, I suppose, that Clink’s ground is the same as that covered in Elsmere?”

“No; I only dipped lightly into Clink,” returned the Schoolmaster, with some embarrassment.

“But you couldn’t help noticing a similarity of ideas?” insisted the Idiot, calmly.

The Schoolmaster looked beseechingly at the Bibliomaniac, who would have been glad to fly to his co-conspirator’s assistance had he known how, but never having heard of Clink, or Burrows either, for that matter, he made up his mind that it was best for his reputation for him to stay out of the controversy.

“Very slight similarity, however,” said the Schoolmaster, in despair.

“Where can I find Clink’s books?” put in Mr. Whitechoker, very much interested.

The Idiot conveniently had his mouth full of chicken at the moment, and it was to the Schoolmaster who had also read him that they all—the landlady included—looked for an answer.

“Oh, I think,” returned that worthy, hesitatingly—“I think you’ll find Clink in any of the public libraries.”

“What is his full name?” persisted Mr. Whitechoker, taking out a memorandum-book.

“Horace J. Clink,” said the Idiot.

“Yes; that’s it—Horace J. Clink,” echoed the Schoolmaster. “Very virile writer and a clear thinker,” he added, with some nervousness.

“What, if any, of his books would you specially recommend?” asked the Minister again.

The Idiot had by this time risen from the table, and was leaving the room with the genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed.

The Schoolmaster’s reply was not audible.

“I say,” said the genial gentleman to the Idiot, as they passed out into the hall, “they didn’t get much the best of you in that matter. But, tell me, who was Clink, anyhow?”

“Never heard of him before,” returned the Idiot.

“And Burrows?”

“Same as Clink.”

“Know anything about Elsmere?” chuckled the genial gentleman.

“Nothing—except that it and ‘Pigs in Clover’ came out at the same time, and I stuck to the Pigs.”

And the genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed was so pleased at the plight of the Schoolmaster and of the Bibliomaniac that he invited the Idiot up to his room, where the private stock was kept for just such occasions, and they put in a very pleasant morning together.

IV

The guests were assembled as usual. The oatmeal course had been eaten in silence. In the Idiot’s eye there was a cold glitter of expectancy—a glitter that boded ill for the man who should challenge him to controversial combat—and there seemed also to be, judging from sundry winks passed over the table and kicks passed under it, an understanding to which he and the genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed were parties.

As the Schoolmaster sampled his coffee the genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed broke the silence.

“I missed you at the concert last night, Mr. Idiot,” said he.

“Yes,” said the Idiot, with a caressing movement of the hand over his upper lip; “I was very sorry, but I couldn’t get around last night. I had an engagement with a number of friends at the athletic club. I meant to have dropped you a line in the afternoon telling you about it, but I forgot it until it was too late. Was the concert a success?”

“Very successful indeed. The best one, in fact, we have had this season, which makes me regret all the more deeply your absence,” returned the genial gentleman, with a suggestion of a smile playing about his lips. “Indeed,” he added, “it was the finest one I’ve ever seen.”

“The finest one you’ve what?” queried the Schoolmaster, startled at the verb.

“The finest one I’ve ever seen,” replied the genial gentleman. “There were only ten performers, and really, in all my experience as an attendant at concerts, I never saw such a magnificent rendering of Beethoven as we had last night. I wish you could have been there. It was a sight for the gods.”

“I don’t believe,” said the Idiot, with a slight cough that may have been intended to conceal a laugh—and that may also have been the result of too many cigarettes—“I don’t believe it could have been any more interesting than a game of pool I heard at the club.”

“It appears to me,” said the Bibliomaniac to the Schoolmaster, “that the popping sounds we heard late last night in the Idiot’s room may have some connection with the present mode of speech these two gentlemen affect.”

“Let’s hear them out,” returned the Schoolmaster, “and then we’ll take them into camp, as the Idiot would say.”

“I don’t know about that,” replied the genial gentleman. “I’ve seen a great many concerts, and I’ve heard a great many good games of pool, but the concert last night was simply a ravishing spectacle. We had a Cuban pianist there who played the orchestration of the first act of Parsifal with surprising agility. As far as I could see, he didn’t miss a note, though it was a little annoying to observe how he used the pedals.”

“Too forcibly, or how?” queried the Idiot.

“Not forcibly enough,” returned the Imbiber. “He tried to work them both with one foot. It was the only thing to mar an otherwise marvelous performance. The idea of a man trying to display Wagner with two hands and one foot is irritating to a musician with a trained eye.”

“I wish the Doctor would come down,” said Mrs. Smithers, anxiously.

“Yes,” put in the Schoolmaster; “there seems to be madness in our midst.”

“Well, what can you expect of a Cuban, anyhow?” queried the Idiot. “The Cuban, like the Spaniard or the Italian or the African, hasn’t the vigor which is necessary for the proper comprehension and rendering of Wagner’s music. He is by nature slow and indolent. If it were easier for a Spaniard to hop than to walk, he’d hop, and rest his other leg. I’ve known Italians whose diet was entirely confined to liquids, because they were too tired to masticate solids. It is the ease with which it can be absorbed that makes macaroni the favorite dish of the Italians, and the fondness of all Latin races for wines is entirely due, I think, to the fact that wine can be swallowed without chewing. This indolence affects also their language. The Italian and the Spaniard speak the language that comes easy—that is soft and dreamy; while the Germans and Russians, stronger, more energetic, indulge in a speech that even to us, who are people of an average amount of energy, is sometimes appalling in the severity of the strain it puts upon the tongue. So, while I do not wonder that your Cuban pianist showed woeful defects in his use of the pedals, I do wonder that, even with his surprising agility, he had sufficient energy to manipulate the keys to the satisfaction of so competent a witness as yourself.”

“It was too bad; but we made up for it later,” asserted the other. “There was a young girl there who gave us some of Mendelssohn’s Songs without Words. Her expression was simply perfect. I wouldn’t have missed it for all the world; and now that I think of it, in a few days I can let you see for yourself how splendid it was. We persuaded her to encore the songs in the dark, and we got a flash-light photograph of two of them.”

“Oh! then it was not on the piano-forte she gave them?” said the Idiot.

“Oh no; all labial,” returned the genial gentleman.

Here Mr. Whitechoker began to look concerned, and whispered something to the Schoolmaster, who replied that there were enough others present to cope with the two parties to the conversation in case of a violent outbreak.

“I’d be very glad to see the photographs,” replied the Idiot. “Can’t I secure copies of them for my collection? You know I have the complete rendering of ‘Home, Sweet Home’ in kodak views, as sung by Patti. They are simply wonderful, and they prove what has repeatedly been said by critics, that, in the matter of expression, the superior of Patti has never been seen.”

“I’ll try to get them for you, though I doubt it can be done. The artist is a very shy young girl, and does not care to have her efforts given too great a publicity until she is ready to go into music a little more deeply. She is going to read the ‘Moonlight Sonata’ to us at our next concert. You’d better come. I’m told her gestures bring out the composer’s meaning in a manner never as yet equaled.”

“I’ll be there; thank you,” returned the Idiot. “And the next time those fellows at the club are down for a pool tournament I want you to come up and hear them play. It was extraordinary last night to hear the balls dropping one by one—click, click, click—as regularly as a metronome, into the pockets. One of the finest shots, I am sorry to say, I missed.”

“How did it happen?” asked the Bibliomaniac. “Weren’t your ears long enough?”

“It was a kiss shot, and I couldn’t hear it,” returned the Idiot.

“I think you men are crazy,” said the Schoolmaster, unable to contain himself any longer.

“So?” observed the Idiot, calmly. “And how do we show our insanity?”

“Seeing concerts and hearing games of pool.”

“I take exception to your ruling,” returned the Imbiber. “As my friend the Idiot has frequently remarked, you have the peculiarity of a great many men in your profession, who think because they never happened to see or do or hear things as other people do, they may not be seen, done, or heard at all. I saw the concert I attended last night. Our musical club has rooms next to a hospital, and we have to give silent concerts for fear of disturbing the patients; but we are all musicians of sufficient education to understand by a glance of the eye what you would fail to comprehend with fourteen ears and a microphone.”

“Very well said,” put in the Idiot, with a scornful glance at the Schoolmaster. “And I literally heard the pool tournament. I was dining in a room off the billiard-hall, and every shot that was made, with the exception of the one I spoke of, was distinctly audible. You gentlemen, who think you know it all, wouldn’t be able to supply a bureau of information at the rate of five minutes a day for an hour on a holiday. Let’s go upstairs,” he added, turning to the Imbiber, “where we may discuss our last night’s entertainment apart from this atmosphere of rarefied learning. It makes me faint.”

And the Imbiber, who was with difficulty keeping his lips in proper form, was glad enough to accept the invitation. “The corks popped to some purpose last night,” he said, later on.

“Yes,” said the Idiot; “for a conspiracy there’s nothing so helpful as popping corks.”

V

“When you get through with the fire, Mr. Pedagog,” observed the Idiot, one winter’s morning, noticing that the ample proportions of the Schoolmaster served as a screen to shut off the heat from himself and the genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed, “I wish you would let us have a little of it. Indeed, if you could conveniently spare so little as one flame for my friend here and myself, we’d be much obliged.”

“It won’t hurt you to cool off a little, sir,” returned the Schoolmaster, without moving.

“No, I am not so much afraid of the injury that may be mine as I am concerned for you. If that fire should melt our only refrigerating material, I do not know what our good landlady would do. Is it true, as the Bibliomaniac asserts, that Mrs. Smithers leaves all her milk and butter in your room overnight, relying upon your coolness to keep them fresh?”

“I never made any such assertion,” said the Bibliomaniac, warmly.

“I am not used to having my word disputed,” returned the Idiot, with a wink at the genial old gentleman.

“But I never said it, and I defy you to prove that I said it,” returned the Bibliomaniac, hotly.

“You forget, sir,” said the Idiot, coolly, “that you are the one who disputes my assertion. That casts the burden of proof on your shoulders. Of course if you can prove that you never said anything of the sort, I withdraw; but if you cannot adduce proofs, you, having doubted my word, and publicly at that, need not feel hurt if I decline to accept all that you say as gospel.”

“You show ridiculous heat,” said the Schoolmaster.

“Thank you,” returned the Idiot, gracefully. “And that brings us back to the original proposition that you would do well to show a little yourself.”

“Good morning, gentlemen,” said Mrs. Smithers, entering the room at this moment. “It’s a bright, fresh morning.”

“Like yourself,” said the Schoolmaster, gallantly.

“Yes,” added the Idiot, with a glance at the clock, which registered 8:45—forty-five minutes after the breakfast hour—“very like Mrs. Smithers—rather advanced.”

To this the landlady paid no attention; but the Schoolmaster could not refrain from saying,

“Advanced, and therefore not backward, like some persons I might name.”

“Very clever,” retorted the Idiot, “and really worth rewarding. Mrs. Smithers, you ought to give Mr. Pedagog a receipt in full for the past six months.”

“Mr. Pedagog,” returned the landlady, severely, “is one of the gentlemen who always have their receipts for the past six months.”

“Which betrays a very saving disposition,” accorded the Idiot. “I wish I had all I’d received for six months. I’d be a rich man.”

“Would you, now?” queried the Bibliomaniac. “That is interesting enough. How men’s ideas differ on the subject of wealth! Here is the Idiot would consider himself rich with $150 in his pocket—”

“Do you think he gets as much as that?” put in the Schoolmaster, viciously. “Five dollars a week is rather high pay for one of his—”

“Very high indeed,” agreed the Idiot. “I wish I got that much. I might be able to hire a two-legged encyclopedia to tell me everything, and have over $4.75 a week left to spend on opera, dress, and the poor but honest board Mrs. Smithers provides, if my salary was up to the $5 mark; but the trouble is men do not make the fabulous fortunes nowadays with the ease with which you, Mr. Pedagog, made yours. There are, no doubt, more and greater opportunities today than there were in the olden time, but there are also more men trying to take advantage of them. Labor in the business world is badly watered. The colleges are turning out more men in a week nowadays than the whole country turned out in a year forty years ago, and the quality is so poor that there has been a general reduction of wages all along the line. Where does the struggler for existence come in when he has to compete with the college-bred youth who, for fear of not getting employment anywhere, is willing to work for nothing? People are not willing to pay for what they can get for nothing.”

“I am glad to hear from your lips so complete an admission,” said the Schoolmaster, “that education is downing ignorance.”

“I am glad to know of your gladness,” returned the Idiot. “I didn’t quite say that education was downing ignorance. I plead guilty to the charge of holding the belief that unskilled omniscience interferes very materially with skilled sciolism in skilled sciolism’s efforts to make a living.”

“Then you admit your own superficiality?” asked the Schoolmaster, somewhat surprised by the Idiot’s command of syllables.

“I admit that I do not know it all,” returned the Idiot. “I prefer to go through life feeling that there is yet something for me to learn. It seems to me far better to admit this voluntarily than to have it forced home upon me by circumstances, as happened in the case of a college graduate I know, who speculated on Wall Street, and lost the hundred dollars that were subsequently put to a good use by the uneducated me.”

“From which you deduce that ignorance is better than education?” queried the Schoolmaster, scornfully.

“For an omniscient,” returned the Idiot, “you are singularly nearsighted. I have made no such deduction. I arrive at the conclusion, however, that in the chase for the gilded shekel the education of experience is better than the coddling of Alma Mater. In the satisfaction—the personal satisfaction—one derives from a liberal education, I admit that the sons of Alma Mater are the better off. I never could hope to be so self-satisfied, for instance, as you are.”

“No,” observed the Schoolmaster, “you cannot raise grapes on a thistle farm. Any unbiased observer looking around this table,” he added, “and noting Mr. Whitechoker, a graduate of Yale; the Bibliomaniac, a son of dear old Harvard; the Doctor, an honor man of Williams; our legal friend here, a graduate of Columbia—to say nothing of myself, who was graduated with honors at Amherst—any unbiased observer seeing these, I say, and then seeing you, wouldn’t take very long to make up his mind as to whether a man is better off or not for having had a collegiate training.”

“There I must again dispute your assertion,” returned the Idiot. “The unbiased person of whom you speak would say, ‘Here is this gray-haired Amherst man, this book-loving Cambridge boy of fifty-seven years of age, the reverend graduate of Yale, class of ’55, and the other two learned gentlemen of forty-nine summers each, and this poor ignoramus of an Idiot, whose only virtue is his modesty, all in the same box.’ And then he would ask himself, ‘In what way have these sons of Amherst, Yale, Harvard, and so forth, the better of the unassuming Idiot?’”

“The same box?” said the Bibliomaniac. “What do you mean by that?”

“Just what I say,” returned the Idiot. “The same box. All boarding, all eschewing luxuries of necessity, all paying their bills with difficulty, all sparsely clothed; in reality, all keeping Lent the year through. ‘Verily,’ he would say, ‘the Idiot has the best of it, for he is young.’”

And leaving them chewing the cud of reflection, the Idiot departed.

“I thought they were going to land you that time,” said the genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed, later; “but when I heard you use the word ‘sciolism,’ I knew you were all right. Where did you get it?”

“My chief got it off on me at the office the other day. I happened in a mad moment to try to unload some of my original observations on him apropos of my getting to the office two hours late, in which it was my endeavor to prove to him that the truly safe and conservative man was always slow, and so apt to turn up late on occasions. He hopped about the office for a minute or two, and then he informed me that I was an 18-karat sciolist. I didn’t know what he meant, and so I looked it up.”

“And what did he mean?”

“He meant that I took the cake for superficiality, and I guess he was right,” replied the Idiot, with a smile that was not altogether mirthful.

VI

“Good morning!” said the Idiot, cheerfully, as he entered the dining-room.

To this remark no one but the landlady vouchsafed a reply. “I don’t think it is,” she said, shortly. “It’s raining too hard to be a very good morning.”

“That reminds me,” observed the Idiot, taking his seat and helping himself copiously to the hominy. “A friend of mine on one of the newspapers is preparing an article on the ‘Antiquity of Modern Humor.’ With your kind permission, Mrs. Smithers, I’ll take down your remark and hand it over to Mr. Scribuler as a specimen of the modern antique joke. You may not be aware of the fact, but that jest is to be found in the rare first edition of the Tales of Bobbo, an Italian humorist, who stole everything he wrote from the Greeks.”

“So?” queried the Bibliomaniac. “I never heard of Bobbo, though I had, before the auction sale of my library, a choice copy of the Tales of Poggio, bound in full crushed Levant morocco, with gilt edges, and one or two other Italian Joe Millers in tree calf. I cannot at this moment recall their names.”

“At what period did Bobbo live?” inquired the Schoolmaster.

“I don’t exactly remember,” returned the Idiot, assisting the last potato on the table over to his plate. “I don’t know exactly. It was subsequent to B.C., I think, although I may be wrong. If it was not, you may rest assured it was prior to B.C.”

“Do you happen to know,” queried the Bibliomaniac, “the exact date of this rare first edition of which you speak?”

“No; no one knows that,” returned the Idiot. “And for a very good reason. It was printed before dates were invented.”

The silence which followed this bit of information from the Idiot was almost insulting in its intensity. It was a silence that spoke, and what it said was that the Idiot’s idiocy was colossal, and he, accepting the stillness as a tribute, smiled sweetly.

“What do you think, Mr. Whitechoker,” he said, when he thought the time was ripe for renewing the conversation—“what do you think of the doctrine that every day will be Sunday by-and-by?”

“I have only to say, sir,” returned the Dominie, pouring a little hot water into his milk, which was a bit too strong for him, “that I am a firm believer in the occurrence of a period when Sunday will be to all practical purposes perpetual.”

“That is my belief, too,” observed the Schoolmaster. “But it will be ruinous to our good landlady to provide us with one of her exceptionally fine Sunday breakfasts every morning.”

“Thank you, Mr. Pedagog,” returned Mrs. Smithers, with a smile. “Can’t I give you another cup of coffee?”

“You may,” returned the Schoolmaster, pained at the lady’s grammar, but too courteous to call attention to it save by the emphasis with which he spoke the word “may.”

“That’s one view to take of it,” said the Idiot. “But in case we got a Sunday breakfast every day in the week, we, on the other hand, would get approximately what we pay for. You may fill my cup too, Mrs. Smithers.”

“The coffee is all gone,” returned the landlady, with a snap.

“Then, Mary,” said the Idiot, gracefully, turning to the maid, “you may give me a glass of ice-water. It is quite as warm, after all, as the coffee, and not quite so weak. A perpetual Sunday, though, would have its drawbacks,” he added, unconscious of the venomous glances of the landlady. “You, Mr. Whitechoker, for instance, would be preaching all the time, and in consequence would soon break down. Then the effect upon our eyes from habitually reading the Sunday newspapers day after day would be extremely bad; nor must we forget that an eternity of Sundays means the elimination ‘from our midst,’ as the novelists say, of baseball, of circuses, of horse-racing, and other necessities of life, unless we are prepared to cast over the Puritanical view of Sunday which now prevails. It would substitute Dr. Watts for ‘Annie Rooney.’ We should lose ‘Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay’ entirely, which is a point in its favor.”

“I don’t know about that,” said the genial old gentleman. “I rather like that song.”

“Did you ever hear me sing it?” asked the Idiot.

“Never mind,” returned the genial old gentleman, hastily. “Perhaps you are right, after all.”

The Idiot smiled, and resumed: “Our shops would be perpetually closed, and an enormous loss to the shopkeepers would be sure to follow. Mr. Pedagog’s theory that we should have Sunday breakfasts every day is not tenable, for the reason that with a perpetual day of rest agriculture would die out, food products would be killed off by unpulled weeds; in fact, we should go back to that really unfortunate period when women were without dress-makers, and man’s chief object in life was to christen animals as he met them, and to abstain from apples, wisdom, and full dress.”

“The Idiot is right,” said the Bibliomaniac. “It would not be a very good thing for the world if every day were Sunday. Washday is a necessity of life. I am willing to admit this, in the face of the fact that washday meals are invariably atrocious. Contracts would be void, as a rule, because Sunday is a dies non.”

“A what?” asked the Idiot.

“A non-existent day in a business sense,” put in the Schoolmaster.

“Of course,” said the landlady, scornfully. “Any person who knows anything knows that.”

“Then, madame,” returned the Idiot, rising from his chair, and putting a handful of sweet crackers in his pocket—“then I must put in a claim for $104 from you, having been charged, at the rate of one dollar a day for 104 dies nons in the two years I have been with you.”

“Indeed!” returned the lady, sharply. “Very well. And I shall put in a counterclaim for the lunches you carry away from breakfast every morning in your pockets.”

“In that event we’ll call it off, madame,” returned the Idiot, as with a courtly bow and a pleasant smile he left the room.

“Well, I call him ‘off,’” was all the landlady could say, as the other guests took their departure.

And of course the Schoolmaster agreed with her.

VII

“Our streets appear to be as far from perfect as ever,” said the Bibliomaniac with a sigh, as he looked out through the window at the great pools of water that gathered in the basins made by the sinking of the Belgian blocks. “We’d better go back to the cowpaths of our fathers.”

“There is a great deal in what you say,” observed the Schoolmaster. “The cowpath has all the solidity of mother earth, and none of the distracting noises we get from the pavements that obtain today. It is porous and absorbs the moisture. The Belgian pavement is leaky, and lets it run into our cellars. We might do far worse than to go back—”

“Excuse me for having an opinion,” said the Idiot, “but the man of enterprise can’t afford to indulge in the luxury of the somnolent cowpath. It is too quiet. It conduces to sleep, which is a luxury business men cannot afford to indulge in too freely. Man must be up and doing. The prosperity of a great city is to my mind directly due to its noise and clatter, which effectually put a stop to napping, and keep men at all times wide awake.”

“This is a Welsh-rabbit idea, I fancy,” said the Schoolmaster, quietly. He had overheard the Idiot’s confidences, as revealed to the genial Imbiber, regarding the sources of some of his ideas.

“Not at all,” returned the Idiot. “These ideas are beef—not Welsh-rabbit. They are the result of much thought. If you will put your mind on the subject, you will see for yourself that there is more in my theory than there is in yours. The prosperity of a locality is the greater as the noise in its vicinity increases. It is in the quiet neighborhood that man stagnates. Where do we find great business houses? Where do we find great fortunes made? Where do we find the busy bees who make the honey that enables posterity to get into Society and do nothing? Do we pick up our millions on the cowpath? I guess not. Do we erect our most princely business houses along the roads laid out by our bovine sister? I think not. Does the man who goes from the towpath to the White House take the shortcut? I fancy not. He goes over the block pavement. He seeks the home of the noisy, clattering street before he lands in the shoes of Washington. The man who sticks to the cowpath may be able to drink milk, but he never wears diamonds.”

“All that you say is very true, but it is not based on any fundamental principle. It is so because it happens to be so,” returned the Schoolmaster. “If it were man’s habit to have the streets laid out on the old cowpath principle in his cities he would be quite as energetic, quite as prosperous, as he is now.”

“No fundamental principle involved? There is the fundamental principle of all business success involved,” said the Idiot, warming up to his subject. “What is the basic quality in the good business man? Alertness. What is ‘alertness?’ Wide-awakeishness. In this town it is impossible for a man to sleep after a stated hour, and for no other reason than that the clatter of the pavements prevents him. As a promoter of alertness, where is your cowpath? The cowpaths of the Catskills, and we all know the mountains are riddled by ’em, didn’t keep Rip Van Winkle awake, and I’ll wager Mr. Whitechoker here a year’s board that there isn’t a man in his congregation who can sleep a half-hour—much less twenty years—with Broadway within hearing distance.

“I tell you, Mr. Pedagog,” he continued, “it is the man from the cowpath who gets buncoed. It’s the man from the cowpath who can’t make a living even out of what he calls his ‘New York Store.’ It is the man from the cowpath who rejoices because he can sell ten dollars’ worth of sheep’s-wool for five dollars, and is happy when he goes to meeting dressed up in a four-dollar suit of clothes that has cost him twenty.”

“Your theory, my young friend,” observed the Schoolmaster, “is as fragile as this cup”—tapping his coffee cup. “The countryman of whom you speak is up and doing long before you or I or your successful merchant, who has waxed great on noise as you put it, is awake. If the early bird catches the worm, what becomes of your theory?”

“The early bird does get the bait,” replied the Idiot. “But he does not catch the fish, and I’ll offer the board another wager that the Belgian block merchant is wider awake at 8 a.m., when he first opens his eyes, than his suburban brother who gets up at five is all day. It’s the extent to which the eyes are opened that counts, and as for your statement that the fact that prosperity and noisy streets go hand in hand is true only because it happens to be so, that is an argument which may be applied to any truth in existence. I am because I happen to be, not because I am. You are what you are because you are, because if you were not, you would not be what you are.”

“Your logic is delightful,” said the Schoolmaster, scornfully.

“I strive to please,” replied the Idiot. “But I do agree with the Bibliomaniac that our streets are far from perfection,” he added. “In my opinion they should be laid in strata. On the ground-floor should be the sewers and telegraph pipes; above this should be the water-mains, then a layer for trucks, then a broad stratum for carriages, above which should be a promenade for pedestrians. The promenade for pedestrians should be divided into four sections—one for persons of leisure, one for those in a hurry, one for peddlers, and one for beggars.”

“Highly original,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“And so cheap,” added the Schoolmaster.

“In no part of the world,” said the Idiot, in response to the last comment, “do we get something for nothing. Of course this scheme would be costly, but it would increase prosperity—”

“Ha! ha!” laughed the Schoolmaster, satirically.

“Laugh away, but you cannot gainsay my point. Our prosperity would increase, for we should not be always excavating to get at our pipes; our surface cars with a clear track would gain for us rapid transit, our truck-drivers would not be subjected to the temptations of stopping by the wayside to overturn a coupé, or to run down a pedestrian; our fine equipages would in consequence need fewer repairs; and as for the pedestrians, the beggars, if relegated to themselves, would be forced out of business as would also the street-peddlers. The men in a hurry would not be delayed by loungers, beggars, and peddlers, and the loungers would derive inestimable benefit from the arrangement in the saving of wear and tear on their clothes and minds by contact with the busy world.”

“It would be delightful,” acceded the Schoolmaster, “particularly on Sundays, when they were all loungers.”

“Yes,” replied the Idiot. “It would be delightful then, especially in summer, when covered with an awning to shield promenaders from the sun.”

Mr. Pedagog sighed, and the Bibliomaniac, wearily declining a second cup of coffee, left the table with the Doctor, earnestly discussing with that worthy gentleman the causes of weakmindedness.

VIII

“There’s a friend of mine up near Riverdale,” said the Idiot, as he unfolded his napkin and let his bill flutter from it to the floor, “who’s tried to make a name for himself in literature.”

“What’s his name?” asked the Bibliomaniac, interested at once.

“That’s just the trouble. He hasn’t made it yet,” replied the Idiot. “He hasn’t succeeded in his courtship of the Muse, and beyond himself and a few friends his name is utterly unknown.”

“What work has he tried?” queried the Schoolmaster, pouring unadmonished two portions of skimmed milk over his oatmeal.

“A little of everything. First he wrote a novel. It had an immense circulation, and he only lost $300 on it. All of his friends took a copy—I’ve got one that he gave me—and I believe two hundred newspapers were fortunate enough to secure the book for review. His father bought two, and tried to obtain the balance of the edition, but didn’t have enough money. That was gratifying, but gratification is more apt to deplete than to strengthen a bank account.”

“I had not expected so extraordinarily wise an observation from one so unusually unwise,” said the Schoolmaster, coldly.

“Thank you,” returned the Idiot. “But I think your remark is rather contradictory. You would naturally expect wise observations from the unusually unwise; that is, if your teaching that the expression ‘unusually unwise’ is but another form of the expression ‘usually wise’ is correct. But, as I was saying, when the genial instructor of youth interrupted me with his flattery,” continued the Idiot, “gratification is gratifying but not filling, so my friend concluded that he had better give up novel-writing and try jokes. He kept at that a year, and managed to clear his postage-stamps. His jokes were good, but too classic for the tastes of the editors. Editors are peculiar. They have no respect for age—particularly in the matter of jests. Some of my friend’s jokes had seemed good enough for Plutarch to print when he had a publisher at his mercy, but they didn’t seem to suit the high and mighty products of this age who sit in judgment on such things in the comic-paper offices. So he gave up jokes.”

“Does he still know you?” asked the landlady.

“Yes, madame,” observed the Idiot.

“Then he hasn’t given up all jokes,” she retorted, with fine scorn.

“Tee-he-hee!” laughed the Schoolmaster. “Pretty good, Mrs. Smithers—pretty good.”

“Yes,” said the Idiot. “That is good, and, by Jove! it differs from your butter, Mrs. Smithers, because it’s entirely fresh. It’s good enough to print, and I don’t think the butter is.”

“What did your friend do next?” asked Mr. Whitechoker.

“He was employed by a funeral director in Philadelphia to write obituary verses for memorial cards.”

“And was he successful?”

“For a time; but he lost his position because of an error made by a careless compositor in a marble-yard. He had written:

“‘Here lies the hero of a hundred fights—

Approximated he a perfect man;

He fought for country and his country’s rights,

And in the hottest battles led the van.’”

“Fine in sentiment and in execution!” observed Mr. Whitechoker.

“Truly so,” returned the Idiot. “But when the compositor in the marble-yard got it engraved on the monument, my friend was away, and when the army post that was to pay the bill received the monument, the quatrain read:

“‘Here lies the hero of a hundred flights—

Approximated he a perfect one;

He fought his country and his country’s rights,

And in the hottest battles led the run.’”

“Awful!” ejaculated the Minister.

“Dreadful!” said the landlady, forgetting to be sarcastic.

“What happened?” asked the Schoolmaster.

“He was bounced, of course, without a cent of pay, and the company failed the next week, so he couldn’t make anything by suing for what they owed him.”

“Mighty hard luck,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“Very; but there was one bright side to the case,” observed the Idiot. “He managed to sell both versions of the quatrain afterwards for five dollars. He sold the original one to a religious weekly for a dollar, and got four dollars for the other one from a comic paper. Then he wrote an anecdote about the whole thing for a Sunday newspaper, and got three dollars more out of it.”

“And what is your friend doing now?” asked the Doctor.

“Oh, he’s making a mint of money now, but no name.”

“In literature?”

“Yes. He writes advertisements on salary,” returned the Idiot. “He is writing now a recommendation of tooth-powder in Indian dialect.”

“Why didn’t he try writing an epic?” said the Bibliomaniac.

“Because,” replied the Idiot, “the one aim of his life has been to be original, and he couldn’t reconcile that with epic poetry.”

At which remark the landlady stooped over, and recovering the Idiot’s bill from under the table, called the maid, and ostentatiously requested her to hand it to the Idiot. He, taking a cigarette from his pocket, thanked the maid for the attention, and rolling the slip into a taper, thoughtfully stuck one end of it into the alcohol light under the coffeepot, and lighting the cigarette with it, walked nonchalantly from the room.

IX

“I’ve just been reading a book,” began the Idiot.

“I thought you looked rather pale,” said the Schoolmaster.

“Yes,” returned the Idiot, cheerfully, “it made me feel pale. It was about the pleasures of country life; and when I contrasted rural blessedness as it was there depicted with urban life as we live it, I felt as if my youth were being thrown away. I still feel as if I were wasting my sweetness on the desert air.”

“Why don’t you move?” queried the Bibliomaniac, suggestively.

“If I were purely selfish I should do so at once, but I am, like my good friend Mr. Whitechoker, a slave to duty. I deem it my duty to stay here to keep the Schoolmaster fully informed in the various branches of knowledge which are day by day opened up, many of which seem to be so far beyond the reach of one of his conservative habits; to assist Mr. Whitechoker in his crusades against vice at this table and elsewhere; to give the Bibliomaniac the benefit of my advice in regard to those precious little tomes he no longer buys—to make life worth the living for all of you, to say nothing of enabling Mrs. Smithers to keep up the extraordinarily high standard of this house by means of the hard-earned stipend I pay to her every Monday morning.”

“Every Monday?” queried the Schoolmaster.

“Every Monday,” returned the Idiot. “That is, of course, every Monday that I pay. The things one gets to eat in the country, the air one breathes, the utter freedom from restraint, the thousand and more things one enjoys in the suburbs that are not attainable here—it is these that make my heart yearn for the open.”

“Well, it’s all rot,” said the Schoolmaster, impatiently. “Country life is ideal only in books. Books do not tell of running for trains through blinding snowstorms; writers do not expatiate on the delights of waking on cold winter nights and finding your piano and parlor furniture afloat because of bursted pipes, with the plumber, like Sheridan at Winchester, twenty miles away. They are dumb on the subject of the ecstasy one feels when pushing a twenty-pound lawnmower up and down a weed patch at the end of a wearisome hot summer’s day. They are silent—”

“Don’t get excited, Mr. Pedagog, please,” interrupted the Idiot. “I am not contemplating leaving you and Mrs. Smithers, but I do pine for a little garden of my own, where I could raise an occasional can of tomatoes. I dream sometimes of getting milk fresh from the pump, instead of twenty-four hours after it has been drawn, as we do here. In my musings it seems to me to be almost idyllic to have known a spring chicken in his infancy; to have watched a hindquarter of lamb gamboling about its native heath before its muscles became adamant, and before chopped-up celery tops steeped in vinegar were poured upon it in the hope of hypnotizing boarders into the belief that spring lamb and mint-sauce lay before them. What care I how hard it is to rise every morning before six in winter to thaw out the boiler, so long as the night coming finds me seated in the genial glow of the gas log! What man is he that would complain of having to bale out his cellar every week, if, on the other hand, that cellar gains thereby a fertility that keeps its floor sheeny, soft, and green—an interior tennis-court—from spring to spring, causing the gladsome click of the lawnmower to be heard within its walls all through the still watches of the winter day? I tell you, sir, it is the life to lead, that of our rural brother. I do not believe that in this whole vast city there is a cellar like that—an indoor garden-patch, as it were.”

“No,” returned the Doctor; “and it is a good thing there isn’t. There is enough sickness in the world without bringing any of your rus ideas in urbe. I’ve lived in the country, sir, and I assure you it is not what it is written up to be. Country life is misery, melancholy, and malaria.”

“You must have struck a profitable section, Doctor,” returned the Idiot, taking possession of three steaming buckwheat cakes to the dismay of Mr. Whitechoker, who was about to reach out for them himself. “And I should have supposed that your good business sense would have restrained you from leaving.”

“Then the countryman is poor—always poor,” continued the Doctor, ignoring the Idiot’s sarcastic comments.

“Ah! that accounts for it,” observed the Idiot. “I see why you did not stay; for what shall it profit a man to save a patient if practice, like virtue, is to be its own reward?”

“Your suggestion, sir,” retorted the Doctor, “betrays an unhealthy frame of mind.”

“That’s all right, Doctor,” returned the Idiot; “but please do not diagnose the case any further. I can’t afford an expert opinion as to my mental condition. But to return to our subject: you two gentlemen appear to have had unhappy experiences in country life—quite different from those of a friend of mine who owns a farm. He doesn’t have to run for trains; he is independent of plumbers, because the only pipes in his house are for smoking purposes. The farm produces corn enough to keep his family supplied all the year round and to sell a balance at a profit. Oats and wheat are harvested to an extent which keeps the cattle and declares dividends besides. He never suffers from the cold or heat. He is never afraid of losing his house or barns by fire, because the whole fire department of the neighboring village is, to a man, in love with the housekeeper’s daughter, and is always on hand in force. The chickens are the envy and pride of the county, and there are so many of them that they have to take turns in going to roost. The pigs are the most intelligent of their kind, and are so happy they never grunt. In fact, everything is lovely and cheap, the only thing that hangs high being the goose.”

“Quite an ideal, no doubt,” put in the Schoolmaster, scornfully. “I suppose his is one of those model farms with steam-pipes under the walks to melt the snow in winter, and of course there is a vein of coal growing right up into his furnace ready to be lit.”

“Yes,” observed the Bibliomaniac; “and no doubt the chickens lay eggs in every style—poached, fried, scrambled, and boiled. The weeds in the garden grow so fast, I suppose, that they pull themselves up by the roots; and if there is anything left undone at the end of the day I presume tramps in dress suits, and courtly in manner, spring out of the ground and finish up for him.”

“I’ll bet he’s not on good terms with his neighbors if he has everything you speak of in such perfection. These farmers get frightfully jealous of each other,” asserted the Doctor, with a positiveness that seemed to be born of experience.

“He never quarreled with one of them in his life,” returned the Idiot. “He doesn’t know them well enough to quarrel with them; in fact, I doubt if he ever sees them at all. He’s very exclusive.”

“Of course he is a born farmer to get everything the way he has it,” suggested Mrs. Smithers.

“No, he isn’t. He’s a broker,” said the Idiot, “and a very successful one. I see him on the street every day.”

“Does he employ a man to run the farm?” asked the Clergyman.

“No,” returned the Idiot, “he has too much sense and too few dollars to do any such foolish thing as that.”

“It must be one of those self-winding stock farms,” put in the Schoolmaster, scornfully. “But I don’t see how he can be a successful broker and make money off his farm at the same time. Your statements do not agree, either. You said he never had to run for trains.”

“Well, he never has,” returned the Idiot, calmly. “He never goes near his farm. He doesn’t have to. It’s leased to the husband of the housekeeper whose daughter has a crush on the fire department. He takes his pay in produce, and gets more than if he took it in cash on the basis of the New York vegetable market.”

“Then you have got us into an argument about country life that ends—” began the Schoolmaster, indignantly.

“That ends where it leaves off,” retorted the Idiot, departing with a smile on his lips.

“He’s an Idiot from Idaho,” asserted the Bibliomaniac.

“Yes; but I’m afraid idiocy is a little contagious,” observed the Doctor, with a grin and sidelong glance at the Schoolmaster.

X

“Good morning, gentlemen,” said the Idiot, as he seated himself at the breakfast-table and glanced over his mail.

“Good morning yourself,” returned the Poet. “You have an unusually large number of letters this morning. All checks, I hope?”

“Yes,” replied the Idiot. “All checks of one kind or another. Mostly checks on ambition—otherwise, rejections from my friends the editors.”

“You don’t mean to say that you write for the papers?” put in the Schoolmaster, with an incredulous smile.

“I try to,” returned the Idiot, meekly. “If the papers don’t take ’em, I find them useful in curing my genial friend who imbibes of insomnia.”

“What do you write—advertisements?” queried the Bibliomaniac.

“No. Advertisement writing is an art to which I dare not aspire. It’s too great a tax on the brain,” replied the Idiot.

“Tax on what?” asked the Doctor. He was going to squelch the Idiot.

“The brain,” returned the latter, not ready to be squelched. “It’s a little thing people use to think with, Doctor. I’d advise you to get one.” Then he added, “I write poems and foreign letters mostly.”

“I did not know that you had ever been abroad,” said the clergyman.

“I never have,” returned the Idiot.

“Then how, may I ask,” said Mr. Whitechoker, severely, “how can you write foreign letters?”

“With my stub pen, of course,” replied the Idiot. “How did you suppose—with an oyster-knife?”

The clergyman sighed.

“I should like to hear some of your poems,” said the Poet.

“Very well,” returned the Idiot. “Here’s one that has just returned from the Bengal Monthly. It’s about a writer who died some years ago. Shakespeare’s his name. You’ve heard of Shakespeare, haven’t you, Mr. Pedagog?” he added.

Then, as there was no answer, he read the verse, which was as follows:

SETTLED.

Yes! Shakespeare wrote the plays—’tis clear to me.

Lord Bacon’s claim’s condemned before the bar.

He’d not have penned, “what fools these mortals be!”

But—more correct—“what fools these mortals are!”

“That’s not bad,” said the Poet.

“Thanks,” returned the Idiot. “I wish you were an editor. I wrote that last spring, and it has been coming back to me at the rate of once a week ever since.”

“It is too short,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“It’s an epigram,” said the Idiot. “How many yards long do you think epigrams should be?”

The Bibliomaniac scorned to reply.

“I agree with the Bibliomaniac,” said the Schoolmaster. “It is too short. People want greater quantity.”

“Well, here is quantity for you,” said the Idiot. “Quantity as she is not wanted by nine comic papers I wot of. This poem is called:

THE TURNING OF THE WORM.

How hard my fate perhaps you’ll gather in,
My dearest reader, when I tell you that
I entered into this fair world a twin—
The one was spare enough, the other fat.

I was, of course, the lean one of the two,
The homelier as well, and consequently
In ecstasy o’er Jim my parents flew,
And good of me was spoken accident’ly.

As boys, we went to school, and Jim, of course,

Was e’er his teacher’s favorite, and ranked
Among the lads renowned for moral force,
Whilst I was every day right soundly spanked.

Jim had an angel face, but there he stopped.

I never knew a lad who’d sin so oft

And look so like a branch of heaven lopped

From off the parent trunk that grows aloft.

I seemed an imp—indeed ’twas often said

That I resembled much Beelzebub.

My face was freckled and my hair was red—

The kind of looking boy that men call scrub.

Kind deeds, however, were my constant thought;

In everything I did the best I could;
I said my prayers thrice daily, and I sought
In all my ways to do the right and good.

On Saturdays I’d do my Monday’s sums,

While Jim would spend the day in search of fun;

He’d sneak away and steal the neighbors’ plums,

And, strange to say, to earth was never run.

Whilst I, when study-time was haply through,

Would seek my brother in the neighbor’s orchard;

Would find the neighbor there with anger blue,

And as the thieving culprit would be tortured.

The sums I’d done he’d steal, this lad forsaken,

Then change my work, so that a paltry four
Would be my mark, whilst he had overtaken
The maximum and all the prizes bore.

In later years we loved the selfsame maid;

We sent her little presents, sweets, bouquets,

For which, alas! ’twas I that always paid;

And Jim the maid now honors and obeys.

We entered politics—in different roles,

And for a minor office each did run.

’Twas I was left—left badly at the polls,

Because of fishy things that Jim had done.

When Jim went into business and failed,

I signed his notes and freed him from the strife

Which bankruptcy and ruin hath entailed

On them that lead a queer financial life.

Then, penniless, I learned that Jim had set
Aside before his failure—hard to tell!—
A half a million dollars on his pet—
His Mrs. Jim—the former lovely Nell.

That wearied me of Jim. It may be right
For one to bear another’s cross, but I
Quite fail to see it in its proper light,
If that’s the rule man should be guided by.

And since a fate perverse has had the wit
To mix us up so that the one’s deserts
Upon the shoulders of the other sit,
No matter how the other one it hurts,

I am resolved to take some mortal’s life;
Just when, or where, or how, I do not reck,
So long as law will end this horrid strife
And twist my dear twin brother’s sinful neck.

“There,” said the Idiot, putting down the manuscript. “How’s that?”

“I don’t like it,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “It is immoral and vindictive. You should accept the hardships of life, no matter how unjust. The conclusion of your poem horrifies me, sir. I—”

“Have you tried your hand at dialect poetry?” asked the Doctor.

“Yes; once,” said the Idiot. “I sent it to the Great Western Weekly. Oh yes. Here it is. Sent back with thanks. It’s an octette written in cigar-box dialect.”

“In wh-a-at?” asked the Poet.

“Cigar-box dialect. Here it is:

“O Manuel garcia alonzo,
Colorado especial H. Clay,
Invincible flora alphonzo,
Cigarette panatella el rey,
Victoria Reina selectas—
O twofer madura grandé—
O conchas oscuro perfectas,
You drive all my sorrows away.”

“Ingenious, but vicious,” said the Schoolmaster, who does not smoke.

“Again thanks. How is this for a sonnet?” said the Idiot:

“When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,

And with old woes new wail my dear time’s waste:

Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,

For precious friends hid in death’s dateless night,

And weep afresh love’s long since cancel’d woe,

And moan the expense of many a vanish’d sight:

Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell o’er
The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,
Which I now pay as if not paid before.

But if the while I think of thee, dear friend!

All losses are restored and sorrows end.”

“It is bosh!” said the Schoolmaster. The Poet smiled quietly.

“Perfect bosh!” repeated the Schoolmaster. “And only shows how in weak hands so beautiful a thing as the sonnet can be made ridiculous.”

“What’s wrong with it?” asked the Idiot.

“It doesn’t contain any thought—or if it does, no one can tell what the thought is. Your rhymes are atrocious. Your phraseology is ridiculous. The whole thing is bad. You’ll never get anybody to print it.”

“I do not intend to try,” said the Idiot, meekly.

“You are wise,” said the Schoolmaster, “to take my advice for once.”

“No, it is not your advice that restrains me,” said the Idiot, dryly. “It is the fact that this sonnet has already been printed.”

“In the name of Letters, where?” cried the Schoolmaster.

“In the collected works of William Shakespeare,” replied the Idiot, quietly.

The Poet laughed; Mrs. Smithers’s eyes filled with tears; and the Schoolmaster for once had absolutely nothing to say.

XI

“Do you believe, Mr. Whitechoker,” said the Idiot, taking his place at the table, and holding his plate up to the light, apparently to see whether or not it was immaculate, whereat the landlady sniffed contemptuously—“do you believe that the love of money is the root of all evil?”

“I have always been of that impression,” returned Mr. Whitechoker, pleasantly. “In fact, I am sure of it,” he added. “There is no evil thing in this world, sir, that cannot be traced back to a point where greed is found to be its mainspring and the source of its strength.”

“Then how do you reconcile this with the scriptural story of the forbidden fruit? Do you think the apples referred to were figures of speech, the true import of which was that Adam and Eve had their eyes on the original surplus?”

“Well, of course, there you begin to—ah—you seem to me to be going back to the—er—the—ah—”

“Original root of all evil,” prompted the Idiot, calmly.

“Precisely,” returned Mr. Whitechoker, with a sigh of relief. “Mrs. Smithers, I think I’ll have a dash of hot-water in my coffee this morning.” Then, with a nervous glance towards the Idiot, he added, addressing the Bibliomaniac, “I think it looks like rain.”

“Referring to the coffee, Mr. Whitechoker?” queried the Idiot, not disposed to let go of his victim quite so easily.

“Ah—I don’t quite follow you,” replied the Minister, with some annoyance.

“You said something looked like rain, and I asked you if the thing you referred to was the coffee, for I was disposed to agree with you,” said the Idiot.

“I am sure,” put in Mrs. Smithers, “that a gentleman of Mr. Whitechoker’s refinement would not make any such insinuation, sir. He is not the man to quarrel with what is set before him.”

“I ask your pardon, madam,” returned the Idiot, politely. “I hope that I am not the man to quarrel with my food, either. Indeed, I make it a rule to avoid unpleasantness of all sorts, particularly with the weak, under which category we find your coffee. I simply wish to know to what Mr. Whitechoker refers when he says ‘it looks like rain.’”

“I mean, of course,” said the Minister, with as much calmness as he could command—and that was not much—“I mean the day. The day looks as if it might be rainy.”

“Anyone with a modicum of brain knows what you meant, Mr. Whitechoker,” volunteered the Schoolmaster.

“Certainly,” observed the Idiot, scraping the butter from his toast; “but to those who have more than a modicum of brains my reverend friend’s remark was not entirely clear. If I am talking of cotton, and a gentleman chooses to state that it looks like snow, I know exactly what he means. He doesn’t mean that the day looks like snow, however; he refers to the cotton. Mr. Whitechoker, talking about coffee, chooses to state that it looks like rain, which it undoubtedly does. I, realizing that, as Mrs. Smithers says, it is not the gentleman’s habit to attack too violently the food which is set before him, manifest some surprise, and, giving the gentleman the benefit of the doubt, afford him an opportunity to set himself right.”

“Change the subject,” said the Bibliomaniac, curtly.

“With pleasure,” answered the Idiot, filling his glass with cream. “We’ll change the subject, or the object, or anything you choose. We’ll have another breakfast, or another variety of biscuits frappé—anything, in short, to keep peace at the table. Tell me, Mr. Pedagog,” he added, “is the use of the word ‘it,’ in the sentence ‘it looks like rain,’ perfectly correct?”

“I don’t know why it is not,” returned the Schoolmaster, uneasily. He was not at all desirous of parleying with the Idiot.

“And is it correct to suppose that ‘it’ refers to the day—is the day supposed to look like rain?—or do we simply use ‘it’ to express a condition which confronts us?”

“It refers to the latter, of course.”

“Then the full text of Mr. Whitechoker’s remark is, I suppose, that ‘the rainy condition of the atmosphere which confronts us looks like rain?’”

“Oh, I suppose so,” sighed the Schoolmaster, wearily.

“Rather an unnecessary sort of statement that!” continued the Idiot. “It’s something like asserting that a man looks like himself, or, as in the case of a child’s primer—

“‘See the cat?’

“‘Yes, I see the cat.’

“‘What is the cat?’

“‘The cat is a cat. Scat cat!’”

At this even Mrs. Smithers smiled.

“I don’t agree with Mr. Pedagog,” put in the Bibliomaniac, after a pause.

Here the Schoolmaster shook his head warningly at the Bibliomaniac, as if to indicate that he was not in good form.

“So I observe,” remarked the Idiot. “You have upset him completely. See how Mr. Pedagog trembles?” he added, addressing the genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed.

“I don’t mean that way,” sneered the Bibliomaniac, bound to set Mr. Whitechoker straight. “I mean that the word ‘it,’ as employed in that sentence, stands for day. The day looks like rain.”

“Did you ever see a day?” queried the Idiot.

“Certainly I have,” returned the Bibliomaniac.

“What does it look like?” was the calmly put question.

The Bibliomaniac’s impatience was here almost too great for safety, and the manner in which his face colored aroused considerable interest in the breast of the Doctor, who was a good deal of a specialist in apoplexy.

“Was it a whole day you saw, or only a half-day?” persisted the Idiot.

“You may think you are very funny,” retorted the Bibliomaniac. “I think you are—”

“Now don’t get angry,” returned the Idiot. “There are two or three things I do not know, and I’m anxious to learn. I’d like to know how a day looks to one to whom it is a visible object. If it is visible, is it tangible? and, if so, how does it feel?”

“The visible is always tangible,” asserted the Schoolmaster, recklessly.

“How about a red-hot stove, or manifest indignation, or a view from a mountaintop, or, as in the case of the young man in the novel who ‘suddenly waked,’ and, ‘looking anxiously about him, saw no one?’” returned the Idiot, imperturbably.

“Tut!” ejaculated the Bibliomaniac. “If I had brains like yours, I’d blow them out.”

“Yes, I think you would,” observed the Idiot, folding up his napkin. “You’re just the man to do a thing like that. I believe you’d blow out the gas in your bedroom if there wasn’t a sign over it requesting you not to.” And filling his matchbox from the landlady’s mantel supply, the Idiot hurried from the room, and soon after left the house.

XII

“If my father hadn’t met with reverses—” the Idiot began.

“Did you really have a father?” interrupted the Schoolmaster. “I thought you were one of these self-made Idiots. How terrible it must be for a man to think that he is responsible for you!”

“Yes,” rejoined the Idiot; “my father finds it rather hard to stand up under his responsibility for me; but he is a brave old gentleman, and he manages to bear the burden very well with the aid of my mother—for I have a mother, too, Mr. Pedagog. A womanly mother she is, too, with all the natural follies, such as fondness for and belief in her boy. Why, it would soften your heart to see how she looks on me. She thinks I am the most everlastingly brilliant man she ever knew—excepting father, of course, who has always been a hero of heroes in her eyes, because he never rails at misfortune, never spoke an unkind word to her in his life, and just lives gently along and waiting for the end of all things.”

“Do you think it is right in you to deceive your mother in this way—making her think you a young Napoleon of intellect when you know you are an Idiot?” observed the Bibliomaniac, with a twinkle in his eye.

“Why certainly I do,” returned the Idiot, calmly. “It’s my place to make the old folks happy if I can; and if thinking me nineteen different kinds of a genius is going to fill my mother’s heart with happiness, I’m going to let her think it. What’s the use of destroying other people’s idols even if we do know them to be hollow mockeries? Do you think you do a praiseworthy act, for instance, when you kick over the heathen’s stone gods and leave him without any at all? You may not have noticed it, but I have—that it is easier to pull down an idol than it is to rear an ideal. I have had idols shattered myself, and I haven’t found that the pedestals they used to occupy have been rented since. They are there yet and empty—standing as monuments to what once seemed good to me—and I’m no happier nor no better for being disillusioned. So it is with my mother. I let her go on and think me perfect. It does her good, and it does me good because it makes me try to live up to that idea of hers as to what I am. If she had the same opinion of me that we all have she’d be the most miserable woman in the world.”

“We don’t all think so badly of you,” said the Doctor, rather softened by the Idiot’s remarks.

“No,” put in the Bibliomaniac. “You are all right. You breathe normally, and you have nice blue eyes. You are graceful and pleasant to look upon, and if you’d been born dumb we’d esteem you very highly. It is only your manners and your theories that we don’t like; but even in these we are disposed to believe that you are a well-meaning child.”

“That is precisely the way to put it,” assented the Schoolmaster. “You are harmless even when most annoying. For my own part, I think the most objectionable feature about you is that you suffer from that unfortunately not uncommon malady, extreme youth. You are young for your age, and if you only wouldn’t talk, I think we should get on famously together.”

“You overwhelm me with your compliments,” said the Idiot. “I am sorry I am so young, but I cannot be brought to believe that that is my own fault. One must live to attain age, and how the deuce can one live when one boards?”

As no one ventured to reply to this question, the force of which very evidently, however, was fully appreciated by Mrs. Smithers, the Idiot continued:

“Youth is thrust upon us in our infancy, and must be endured until such a time as Fate permits us to account ourselves cured. It swoops down upon us when we have neither the strength nor the brains to resent it. Of course there are some superior persons in this world who never were young. Mr. Pedagog, I doubt not, was ushered into this world with all three sets of teeth cut, and not wailing as most infants are, but discussing the most abstruse philosophical problems. His fairy stories were told him, if ever, in words of ten syllables; and his father’s first remark to him was doubtless an inquiry as to his opinion on the subject of Latin and Greek in our colleges. It’s all right to be this kind of a baby if you like that sort of thing. For my part, I rejoice to think that there was once a day when I thought my father a mean-spirited assassin, because he wouldn’t tie a string to the moon and let me make it rise and set as suited my sweet will. Babies of Mr. Pedagog’s sort are fortunately like angel’s visits, few and far between. In spite of his stand in the matter, though, I can’t help thinking there was a great deal of truth in a rhyme a friend of mine got off on Youth. It fits the case. He said:

“‘Youth is a state of being we attain
In early years; to some ’tis but a crime—
And, like the mumps, most agèd men complain,
It can’t be caught, alas! a second time.”’

“Your rhymes are interesting, and your reasoning, as usual, is faulty,” said the Schoolmaster. “I passed a very pleasant childhood, though it was a childhood devoted, as you have insinuated, to serious rather than to flippant pursuits. I wasn’t particularly fond of tag and hide-and-seek, nor do I think that even as an infant I ever cried for the moon.”

“It would have expanded your chest if you had, Mr. Pedagog,” observed the Idiot, quietly.

“So it would, but I never found myself short-winded, sir,” retorted the Schoolmaster, with some acerbity.

“That is evident; but go on,” said the Idiot. “You never passed a childish youth nor a youthful childhood, and therefore what?”

“Therefore, in my present condition, I am normally contented. I have no youthful follies to look back upon, no indiscretions to regret; I never knowingly told a lie, and—”

“All of which proves that you never were young,” put in the Idiot; “and you will excuse me if I say it, but my father is the model for me rather than so exalted a personage as yourself. He is still young, though turned seventy, and I don’t believe on his own account there ever was a boy who played hookey more, who prevaricated oftener, who purloined others’ fruits with greater frequency than he. He was guilty of every crime in the calendar of youth; and if there is one thing that delights him more than another, it is to sit on a winter’s night before the crackling log and tell us yarns about his youthful follies and his boyhood indiscretions.”

“But is he normally a happy man?” queried the Schoolmaster.

“No.”

“Ah!”

“No. He’s an abnormally happy man, because he’s got his follies and indiscretions to look back upon and not forward to.”

“Ahem!” said Mrs. Smithers.

“Dear me!” ejaculated Mr. Whitechoker.

Mr. Pedagog said nothing, and the breakfast-room was soon deserted.

XIII

There was an air of suppressed excitement about Mrs. Smithers and Mr. Pedagog as they sat down to breakfast. Something had happened, but just what that something was no one as yet knew, although the genial old gentleman had a sort of notion as to what it was.

“Pedagog has been good-natured enough for an engaged man for nearly a week now,” he whispered to the Idiot, who had asked him what he supposed was up, “and I have a half idea that Mrs. S. has at last brought him to the point of proposing.”

“It’s the other way, I imagine,” returned the Idiot.

“You don’t really think she has rejected him, do you?” queried the genial old gentleman.

“Oh no; not by a great deal. I mean that I think it very likely that he has brought her to the point. This is leap-year, you know,” said the Idiot.

“Well, if I were a betting man, which I haven’t been since night before last, I’d lay you a wager that they’re engaged,” said the old gentleman.

“I’m glad you’ve given up betting,” rejoined the Idiot, “because I’m sure I’d take the bet if you offered it—and then I believe I’d lose.”

“We are to have Philadelphia spring chickens this morning, gentlemen,” said Mrs. Smithers, beaming upon all at the table. “It’s a special treat.”

“Which we all appreciate, my dear Mrs. Smithers,” observed the Idiot, with a courteous bow to his landlady. “And, by the way, why is it that Philadelphia spring chickens do not appear until autumn, do you suppose? Is it because Philadelphia spring doesn’t come around until it is autumn everywhere else?”

“No, I think not,” said the Doctor. “I think it is because Philadelphia spring chickens are not sufficiently hardened to be able to stand the strain of exportation much before September, or else Philadelphia people do not get so sated with such delicacies as to permit any of the crop to go into other than Philadelphia markets before that period. For my part, I simply love them.”

“So do I,” said the Idiot; “and if Mrs. Smithers will pardon me for expressing a preference for any especial part of the pièce de résistance, I will state to her that if, in helping me, she will give me two drumsticks, a pair of second joints, and plenty of the white meat, I shall be very happy.”

“You ought to have said so yesterday,” said the Schoolmaster, with a surprisingly genial laugh. “Then Mrs. Smithers could have prepared an individual chicken for you.”

“That would be too much,” returned the Idiot, “and I should really hesitate to eat too much spring chicken. I never did it in my life, and don’t know what the effect would be. Would it be harmful, Doctor?”

“I really do not know how it would be,” answered the Doctor. “In all my wide experience I have never found a case of the kind.”

“It’s very rarely that one gets too much spring chicken,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “I haven’t had any experience with patients, as my friend the Doctor has; but I have lived in many boarding-houses, and I have never yet known of anyone even getting enough.”

“Well, perhaps we shall have all we want this morning,” said Mrs. Smithers. “I hope so, at any rate, for I wish this day to be a memorable one in our house. Mr. Pedagog has something to tell you. John, will you announce it now?”

“Did you hear that?” whispered the Idiot. “She called him ‘John.’”

“Yes,” said the genial old gentleman. “I didn’t know Pedagog had a first name before.”

“Certainly, my dear—that is, my very dear Mrs. Smithers,” stammered the Schoolmaster, getting red in the face. “The fact is, gentlemen—ahem!—I—er—we—er—that is, of course—er—Mrs. Smithers has er—ahem!—Mrs. Smithers has asked me to be her—I—er—I should say I have asked Mrs. Smithers to be my husb—my wife, and—er—she—”

“Hoorah!” cried the Idiot, jumping up from the table and grasping Mr. Pedagog by the hand. “Hoorah! You’ve got in ahead of us, old man, but we are just as glad when we think of your good fortune. Your gain may be our loss—but what of that where the happiness of our dear landlady is at stake?”

Mrs. Smithers glanced coyly at the Idiot and smiled.

“Thank you,” said the Schoolmaster.

“You are welcome,” said the Idiot. “Mrs. Smithers, you will also permit me to felicitate you upon this happy event. I, who have so often differed with Mr. Pedagog upon matters of human knowledge, am forced to admit that upon this occasion he has shown such eminently good sense that you are fortunate, indeed, to have won him.”

“Again I thank you,” said the Schoolmaster. “You are a very sensible person yourself, my dear Idiot; perhaps my failure to appreciate you at times in the past has been due to your brilliant qualities, which have so dazzled me that I have been unable to see you as you really are.”

“Here are the chickens,” said Mrs. Smithers.

“Ah!” ejaculated the Idiot. “What lucky fellows we are, to be sure! I hope, Mrs. Smithers, now that Mr. Pedagog has cut us all out, you will at least be a sister to the rest of us, and let us live at home.”

“There is to be no change,” said Mrs. Smithers—“at least, I hope not, except that Mr. Pedagog will take a more active part in the management of our home.”

“I don’t envy him that,” said the Idiot. “We shall be severe critics, and it will be hard work for him to manage affairs better than you did, Mrs. Smithers.”

“Mary, get me a larger cup for the Idiot’s coffee,” said Mrs. Smithers.

“Let’s all retire from business,” suggested the Idiot, after the other guests had expressed their satisfaction with the turn affairs had taken. “Let’s retire from business, and change the Smithers Home for Boarders into an Educational Institution.”

“For what purpose?” queried the Bibliomaniac.

“Everything is so lovely now,” explained the Idiot, “that I feel as though I never wanted to leave the house again, even to win a fortune. If we turn it into a college and instruct youth, we need never go outside the front door excepting for pleasure.”

“Where will the money and the instructors come from?” asked Mr. Whitechoker.

“Money? From pupils; and after we get going maybe somebody will endow us. As for instructors, I think we know enough to be instructors ourselves,” replied the Idiot. “For instance: Pedagog’s University. John Pedagog, President; Alonzo B. Whitechoker, Chaplain; Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog, Matron. For Professor of Belles-lettres, the Bibliomaniac, assisted by the Poet; Medical Lectures by Dr. Capsule; Chemistry taught by our genial friend who occasionally imbibes; Chair in General Information, your humble servant. Why, we would be overrun with pupils and money in less than a year.”

“A very good idea,” returned Mr. Pedagog. “I have often thought that a nice little school could be started here to advantage, though I must confess that I had different ideas on the subject of the instructors. You, my dear Idiot, would be a great deal more useful as a Professor Emeritus.”

“Hm!” said the Idiot. “It sounds mighty well—I’ve no doubt I should like it. What is a Professor Emeritus, Mr. Pedagog?”

“He is a professor who is paid a salary for doing nothing.”

The whole table joined in a laugh, the Idiot included.

“By Jove! Mr. Pedagog,” he said, as soon as he could speak, “you are just dead right about that. That’s the place of places for me. Salary and nothing to do! Oh, how I’d love it!”

The rest of the breakfast was eaten in silence. The spring chickens were too good and too plentiful to admit of much waste of time in conversation. At the conclusion of the meal the Idiot rose from the table, and, after again congratulating Mr. Pedagog and his fiancée, announced that he was going to see his employer.

“On Sunday?” queried Mrs. Smithers.

“Yes; I want him to write me a recommendation as a man who can do nothing beautifully.”

“And why, pray?” asked Mr. Pedagog.

“I’m going to apply to the Trustees of Columbia College the first thing tomorrow morning for an Emeritus Professorship, for if anybody can do nothing and draw money for it gracefully I’m the man. Wall Street is too wearing on my nerves,” he replied.

And in a moment he was gone.

“I like him,” said Mrs. Smithers.

“So do I,” said Mr. Pedagog. “He isn’t half the idiot he thinks he is.”

The Idiot

I

For some weeks after the happy event which transformed the popular Mrs. Smithers into the charming Mrs. John Pedagog all went well at that lady’s select home for single gentlemen. It was only proper that during the honeymoon, at least, of the happy couple hostilities between the Idiot and his fellow-boarders should cease. It was expecting too much of mankind, however, to look for a continued armistice, and the morning arrived when Nature once more reasserted herself, and trouble began. Just what it was that prompted the remark no one knows, but it happened that the Idiot did say that he thought that, after all, life on a canal-boat had its advantages. Mr. Pedagog, who had come into the dining-room in a slightly irritable frame of mind, induced perhaps by Mrs. Pedagog’s insistence that as he was now part proprietor of the house he should be a little more prompt in making his contributions towards its maintenance, chose to take the remark as implying a reflection upon the way things were managed in the household.

“Humph!” he said. “I had hoped that your habit of airing your idiotic views had been put aside for once and for all.”

“Very absurd hope, my dear sir,” observed the Idiot. “Views that are not aired become musty. Why shouldn’t I give them an atmospheric opportunity once in a while?”

“Because they are the sort of views to which suffocation is the most appropriate end,” snapped the School-Master. “Any man who asserts, as you have asserted, that life on a canal-boat has its advantages, ought to go further, and prove his sincerity by living on one.”

“I can’t afford it,” said the Idiot, meekly. “It isn’t cheap by any manner of means. In the first place, you can’t live happily on a canal-boat unless you can afford to keep horses. In fact, canal-boat life is a combination of the most expensive luxuries, since it combines yachting and driving with domesticity. Nevertheless, if you will put your mind on it, you will find that with a canal-boat for your home you can do a great many things that you can’t do with a house.”

“I decline to put my mind on a canal-boat,” said Mr. Pedagog, sharply, passing his coffee back to Mrs. Pedagog for another lump of sugar, thereby contributing to that good lady’s discomfiture, since before their marriage the mere fact that the coffee had been poured by her fair hand had given it all the sweetness it needed; or at least that was what the School-Master had said, and more than once at that.

“You are under no obligation to do so,” the Idiot returned. “Though if I had a mind like yours I’d put it on a canal-boat and have it towed away somewhere out of sight. These other gentlemen, however, I think, will agree with me when I say that the mere fact that a canal-boat can be moved about the country, and is in no sense a fixture anywhere, shows that as a dwelling-place it is superior to a house. Take this house, for instance. This neighborhood used to be the best in town. It is still far from being the worst neighborhood in town, but it is, as it has been for several years, deteriorating. The establishment of a Turkish bath on one corner and a grocery-store on the other has taken away much of that air of refinement which characterized it when the block was devoted to residential purposes entirely. Now just suppose for a moment that this street were a canal, and that this house were a canal-boat. The canal could run down as much as it pleased, the neighborhood could deteriorate eternally, but it could not affect the value of this house as the home of refined people as long as it was possible to hitch up a team of horses to the front stoop and tow it into a better locality. I’d like to wager every man at this table that Mrs. Pedagog wouldn’t take five minutes to make up her mind to tow this house up to a spot near Central Park, if it were a canal-boat and the streets were water instead of a mixture of water, sand, and Belgian blocks.”

“No takers,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“Tutt-tutt-tutt,” ejaculated Mr. Pedagog.

“You seem to lose sight of another fact,” said the Idiot, warming up to his subject. “If man had had the sense in the beginning to adopt the canal-boat system of life, and we were used to that sort of thing, it would not be so hard upon us in summertime, when we have to live in hotels in order that we and our families may reap the benefits of a period of country life. We could simply drive off to that section of the country where we desired to be. Hotels would not be needed if a man could take his house along with him into the fields, and one phase of life which has more bad than good in it would be entirely obliterated. There is nothing more disturbing to the serenity of a domestic man’s mind than the artificial manner of living that prevails in most summer hotels. The nuisance of having to pay bills every Monday morning under the penalty of losing one’s luggage would be obviated, and all the comforts of home would be directly within reach. The trouble incident upon getting the trunks packed and the children ready for a long day’s journey by rail, and the fatigue arising from such a journey, would be reduced to a minimum. The troubles attendant upon going into a far country, and leaving one’s house in the sole charge of a lot of servants for a month or two every year, would be done away with entirely; and if at any time it became necessary to discharge one of these servants, she could be put off the boat in an instant, and then the boat could be pushed out into the middle of the canal, so that the discharged domestic could not possibly get aboard again and take her revenge by smashing your crockery and fixtures. That is one of the worst features of living in a stationary house. You are entirely at the mercy of vindictive servants. They know precisely where you live, and you cannot escape them. They can come back when there is no man around, and raise several varieties of Ned with your wife and children. With a movable house, such as the canal-boat would be, you could always go off and leave your family in perfect safety.”

“How about safety in a storm?” asked the Bibliomaniac.

“Safety in a storm?” echoed the Idiot. “That seems an absurd sort of a question to one who knows anything about canal-boats. I, for one, never heard of a canal-boat being seriously damaged in a storm as long as it was anchored in the canal proper. It certainly isn’t any more dangerous to be in a canal-boat in a storm than it is to be in a house that offers resistance to the winds, and is shaken from roof to cellar at every blast. More houses have been blown from their foundations than canal-boats sunk, provided ordinary care has been taken to protect them.”

“And you think the canal-boat would be healthy?” asked the Doctor. “How about dampness and all that?”

“That is a professional question,” returned the Idiot, “which I think you could answer better than I. I don’t see why a canal-boat shouldn’t be healthy, however. The dampness would not amount to very much. It would be outside of one’s dwelling, and not within it, as is the case with so many houses. A canal-boat having no cellar could not have a damp one, and if by some untoward circumstance it should spring a leak, the water could be pumped out at once and the leak plugged up. However this might be, I’ll offer another wager to this board on that point, and that is that more people die in houses than on canal-boats.”

“We’d rather give you our money right out,” retorted the Doctor.

“Thank you,” said the Idiot. “But I don’t need money. I don’t like money. Money is responsible for more extravagance than any other commodity in existence. Besides, it and I are not intimate enough to get along very well together, and when I have any I immediately do my level best to rid myself of it. But to return to our canal-boat, I note a look of disapproval in Mr. Whitechoker’s eyes. He doesn’t seem to think any more of my scheme than do the rest of you—which I regret, since I believe that he would be the gainer if land edifices were supplanted by the canal system as proposed by myself. Take church on a rainy morning, for instance. A great many people stay at home from church on rainy mornings just because they do not want to venture out in the wet. Suppose we all lived in canal-boats? Would not people be deprived of this flimsy pretext for staying at home if their homes could be towed up to the church door? Or, better yet, granting that the churches followed out the same plan, and were themselves constructed like canal-boats, how easy it would be for the sexton to drive the church around the town and collect the absentees. In the same manner it would be glorious for men like ourselves, who have to go to their daily toil. For a consideration, Mrs. Pedagog could have us driven to our various places of business every morning, returning for us in the evening. Think how fine it would be for me, for instance, instead of having to come home every night in an overcrowded elevated train or on a cable car, to have the office-boy come and announce, ‘Mrs. Pedagog’s Select Home for Gentlemen is at the door, Mr. Idiot.’ I could step right out of my office into my charming little bedroom up in the bow, and the time usually expended on the cars could be devoted to dressing for tea. Then we could stop in at the court-house for our legal friend; and as for Doctor Capsule, wouldn’t he revel in driving this boarding-house about town on his daily rounds among his patients?”

“What would become of my office hours?” asked the Doctor. “If this house were whirling giddily all about the city from morning until night, I don’t know what would become of my office patients.”

“They might die a little sooner or live a little longer, that is all,” said the Idiot. “If they weren’t able to find the house at all, however, I think it would be better for us, for much as I admire you, Doctor, I think your office hours are a nuisance to the rest of us. I had to elbow my way out of the house this morning between a double line of sufferers from mumps and influenza, and other pleasingly afflicted patients of yours, and I didn’t like it very much.”

“I don’t believe they liked it much either,” returned the Doctor. “One man with a sprained ankle told me about you. You shoved him in passing.”

“Well, you can apologize to him in my behalf,” returned the Idiot; “but you might add that he must expect very much the same treatment whenever he and a boy with mumps stand between me and the door. Sprained ankles aren’t contagious, and I preferred shoving him to the other alternative.”

The Doctor was silent, and the Idiot rose to go. “Where will the house be this evening about six-thirty, Mrs. Pedagog?” he asked, as he pushed his chair back from the table.

“Where? Why, here, of course,” returned the landlady.

“Why, yes—of course,” observed the Idiot, with an impatient gesture. “How foolish of me! I’ve really been so wrapped up in my canal-boat ideal that I came to believe that it might possibly be real and not a dream, after all. I almost believed that perhaps I should find that the house had been towed somewhere up into Westchester County on my return, so that we might all escape the city’s tax on personal property, which I am told is unusually high this year.”

With which sally the Idiot kissed his hand to Mr. Pedagog and retired from the scene.

II

“Let’s write a book,” suggested the Idiot, as he took his place at the board and unfolded his napkin.

“What about?” asked the Doctor, with a smile at the idea of the Idiot’s thinking of embarking on literary pursuits.

“About four hundred pages long,” said the Idiot. “I feel inspired.”

“You are inspired,” said the School-Master. “In your way you are a genius. I really never heard of such a variegated Idiot as you are in all my experience, and that means a great deal, I can tell you, for in the course of my career as an instructor of youth I have encountered many idiots.”

“Were they idiots before or after having drank at the fount of your learning?” asked the Idiot, placidly.

Mr. Pedagog glared, and the Idiot was apparently satisfied. To make Mr. Pedagog glare appeared to be one of the chiefest of his ambitions.

“You will kindly remember, Mr. Idiot,” said Mrs. Pedagog at this point, “that Mr. Pedagog is my husband, and such insinuations at my table are distinctly out of place.”

“I ask your pardon, Mrs. Pedagog,” rejoined the offender, meekly. “Nevertheless, as apart from the question in hand as to whether Mr. Pedagog inspires idiocy or not, I should like to get the views of this gathering on the point you make regarding the table. Is this your table? Is it not rather the table of those who sit about it to regale their inner man with the good things under which I remember once or twice in my life to have heard it groan? To my mind, the latter is the truth. It is our table, because we buy it, and I am forced to believe that some of us pay for it. I am prepared to admit that if Mr. Brief, for instance, is delinquent in his weekly payments, his interest in the table reverts to you until he shall have liquidated, and he is not privileged to say a word that you do not approve of; but I, for instance, who since January 1st have been compelled to pay in advance, am at least sole lessee, and for the time being proprietor of the portion for which I have paid. You have sold it to me. I have entered into possession, and while in possession, as a matter of right and not on sufferance, haven’t I the privilege of freedom of speech?”

“You certainly exercise the privilege whether you have it or not,” snapped Mr. Pedagog.

“Well, I believe in exercise,” said the Idiot. “Exercise brings strength, and if exercising the privilege is going to strengthen it, exercise it I shall, if I have to hire a gymnasium for the purpose. But to return to Mrs. Pedagog’s remark. It brings up another question that has more or less interested me. Because Mrs. Smithers married Mr. Pedagog, do we lose all of our rights in Mr. Pedagog? Before the happy event that reduced our number from ten to nine—”

“We are still ten, are we not?” asked Mr. Whitechoker, counting the guests.

“Not if Mr. Pedagog and the late Mrs. Smithers have become one,” said the Idiot. “But, as I was saying, before the happy event that reduced our number from ten to nine we were permitted to address our friend Pedagog in any terms we saw fit, and whenever he became sufficiently interested to indulge in repartee we were privileged to return it. Have we relinquished that privilege? I don’t remember to have done so.”

“It’s a question worthy of your giant intellect,” said Mr. Pedagog, scornfully. “For myself, I do not at all object to anything you may choose to say to me or of me. Your assaults are to me as water is to a duck’s back.”

“I am sorry,” said the Idiot. “I hate family disagreements, and here we have Mrs. Pedagog taking one side and Mr. Pedagog the other. But whatever decision may ultimately be reached, of one thing Mrs. Pedagog must be assured. I on principle side against Mr. Pedagog, and if it be the wish of my good landlady that I shall refrain from playing intellectual battledore and shuttlecock with her husband, whom we all revere, I certainly shall refrain. Hereafter if I indulge in anything that in any sense resembles repartee with our landlord, I wish it distinctly understood that an apology goes with it.”

“That’s all right, my boy,” said the School-Master. “You mean well. You are a little new, that’s all, and we all understand you.”

“I don’t understand him,” growled the Doctor, still smarting under the recollection of former breakfast-table discomfitures. “I wish we could get him translated.”

“If you prescribed for me once or twice I think it likely I should be translated in short order,” retorted the Idiot. “I wonder how I’d go translated into French?”

“You couldn’t be expressed in French,” put in the Lawyer. “It would take some barbarian tongue to do you justice.”

“Very well,” said the Idiot. “Proceed. Do me justice.”

“I can’t begin to,” said Mr. Brief, angrily.

“That’s what I thought,” said the Idiot. “That’s the reason why you always do me such great injustice. You lawyers always have to be doing something, even if it is only holding down a chair so that it won’t blow out of your office window. If you haven’t any justice to mete out, you take another tack and dispense injustice with lavish hand. However, I’ll forgive you if you’ll tell me one thing. What’s libel, Mr. Brief?”

“None of your business,” growled the Lawyer.

“A very good general definition,” said the Idiot, approvingly. “If there’s any business in the world that I should hate to have known as mine it is that of libel. I think, however, your definition is not definite. What I wanted to know was just how far I could go with remarks at this table and be safe from prosecution.”

“Nobody would ever prosecute you, for two reasons,” said the lawyer. “In a civil action for money damages a verdict against you for ten cents wouldn’t be worth a rap, because the chances are you couldn’t pay. In a criminal action your conviction would be a bad thing, because you would be likely to prove a corrupting influence in any jail in creation. Besides, you’d be safe before a jury, anyhow. You are just the sort of idiot that the intelligent jurors of today admire, and they’d acquit you of any crime. A man has a right to a trial at the hands of a jury of his peers. I don’t think even in a jury-box twelve idiots equal to yourself could be found, so don’t worry.”

“Thanks. Have a cigarette?” said the Idiot, tossing one over to the Lawyer. “It’s all I have. If I had a half-dollar I should pay you for your opinion; but since I haven’t, I offer you my all. The temperature of my coffee seems to have fallen, Mrs. Pedagog. Will you kindly let me have another cup?”

“Certainly,” said Mrs. Pedagog. “Mary, get the Idiot another cup.”

Mary did as she was told, placing the empty bit of china at Mrs. Pedagog’s side.

“It is for the Idiot, Mary,” said Mrs. Pedagog, coldly. “Take it to him.”

“Empty, ma’am?” asked the maid.

“Certainly, Mary,” said the Idiot, perceiving Mrs. Pedagog’s point. “I asked for another cup, not for more coffee.”

Mrs. Pedagog smiled quietly at her own joke. At hair-splitting she could give the Idiot points.

“I am surprised that Mary should have thought I wanted more coffee,” continued the Idiot, in an aggrieved tone. “It shows that she too thinks me out of my mind.”

“You are not out of your mind,” said the Bibliomaniac. “It would be a good thing if you were. In replenishing your mental supply you might have the luck to get better quality.”

“I probably should have the luck,” said the Idiot. “I have had a great store of it in my life. From the very start I have had luck. When I think that I was born myself, and not you, I feel as if I had had more than my share of good fortune—more luck than the law allows. How much luck does the law allow, Mr. Brief?”

“Bosh!” said Mr. Brief, with a scornful wave of his hand, as if he were ridding himself of a troublesome gnat. “Don’t bother me with such mind-withering questions.”

“All right,” said the Idiot. “I’ll ask you an easier one. Why does not the world recognize matrimony?”

Mr. Whitechoker started. Here, indeed, was a novel proposition.

“I—I—must confess,” said he, “that of all the idiotic questions I—er—I have ever had the honor of hearing asked that takes the—”

“Cake?” suggested the Idiot.

“—palm!” said Mr. Whitechoker, severely.

“Well, perhaps so,” said the Idiot. “But matrimony is the science, or the art, or whatever you call it, of making two people one, is it not?”

“It certainly is,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “But what of it?”

“The world does not recognize the unity,” said the Idiot. “Take our good proprietors, for instance. They were made one by yourself, Mr. Whitechoker. I had the pleasure of being an usher at the ceremony, yielding the position of best man gracefully, as is my wont, to the Bibliomaniac. He was best man, but not the better man, by a simple process of reasoning. Now no one at this board disputes that Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog are one, but how about the world? Mr. Pedagog takes Mrs. Pedagog to a concert. Are they one there?”

“Why not?” asked Mr. Brief.

“That’s what I want to know—why not? The world, as represented by the ticket-taker at the door, says they are not—or implies that they are not, by demanding tickets for two. They attempt to travel out to Niagara Falls. The railroad people charge them two fares; the hackman charges them two fares; the hotel bills are made out for two people. It is the same wherever they go in the world, and I regret to say that even in our own home there is a disposition to regard them as two. When I spoke of there being nine persons here instead of ten, Mr. Whitechoker himself disputed my point—and yet it was not so much his fault as the fault of Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog themselves. Mrs. Pedagog seems to cast doubt upon the unity by providing two separate chairs for the two halves that make up the charming entirety. Two cups are provided for their coffee. Two forks, two knives, two spoons, two portions of all the delicacies of the season which are lavished upon us out of season—generally after it—fall to their lot. They do not object to being called a happy couple, when they should be known as a happy single. Now what I want to know is why the world does not accept the shrinkage which has been pronounced valid by the church and is recognized by the individual? Can anyone here tell me that?”

No one could, apparently. At least no one endeavored to. The Idiot looked inquiringly at all, and then, receiving no reply to his question, he rose from the table.

“I think,” he said, as he started to leave the room—“I think we ought to write that book. If we made it up of the things you people don’t know, it would be one of the greatest books of the century. At any rate, it would be great enough in bulk to fill the biggest library in America.”

III

“I wish I were beginning life all over again,” said the Idiot one spring morning, as he took his accustomed place at Mrs. Pedagog’s table.

“I wish you were,” said Mr. Pedagog from behind his newspaper. “Then your parents would have you shut up in a nursery, and it is even conceivable that you would be receiving those disciplinary attentions with a slipper that you seem to me so frequently to deserve, were you at this present moment in the nursery stage of your development.”

“My!” ejaculated the Idiot. “What a wonder you are, Mr. Pedagog! It is a good thing you are not a justice in a criminal court.”

“And what, may I venture to ask,” said Mr. Pedagog, glancing at the Idiot over his spectacles—“what has given rise to that extraordinary remark, the connection of which with anything that has been said or done this morning is distinctly not apparent?”

“I only meant that a man who was so given over to long sentences as you are would probably make too severe a judge in a criminal court,” replied the Idiot, meekly. “Do you make use of the same phraseology in the classroom that you dazzle us with, I should like to know?”

“And why not, pray?” said Mr. Pedagog.

“No special reason,” said the Idiot; “only it does seem to me that an instructor of youth ought to be more careful in his choice of adverbs than you appear to be. Of course Doctor Bolus here is under no obligation to speak more grammatically or correctly than he does. People call him in to prescribe, not to indulge in rhetorical periods, and he can write his prescriptions in a sort of intuitive Latin and nobody be the wiser, but you, who are said to be sowing the seeds of knowledge in the brain of youth, should be more careful.”

“Hear the grammarian talk!” returned Mr. Pedagog. “Listen to this embryonic Samuel Johnson the Second. What have I said that so offends the linguistic taste of Lindley Murray, Jun.?”

“Nothing,” returned the Idiot. “I cannot say that you have said anything. I never heard you say anything in my life; but while you can no doubt find good authority for making use of the words ‘distinctly not apparent,’ you ought not to throw such phrases around carelessly. The thing which is distinct is apparent, therefore to say ‘distinctly not apparent’ to a mind that is not given to analysis sounds strange. You might as well say of a beautiful girl that she is plainly pretty, meaning of course that she is evidently pretty; but those who are unacquainted with the idiomatic peculiarities of your speech might ask you if you meant that she was pretty in a plain sort of way. Suppose, too, you were writing a novel, and, in a desire to give your reader a fair idea of the personal appearance of a homely but good creature, you should say, ‘It cannot be denied that Rosamond Follansbee was pretty plain?’ It wouldn’t take a very grave error of the types to change your entire meaning. To save a line on a page, for instance, it might become necessary to eliminate a single word; and if that word should chance to be the word ‘plain’ in the sentence I have given, your homely but good person would be set down as being undeniably pretty. Which shows, it seems to me, that too great care cannot be exercised in the making of selections from our vocabu—”

“You are the worst I ever knew!” snapped Mr. Pedagog.

“Which only proves,” observed the Idiot, “that you have not heeded the Scriptural injunction that you should know thyself. Are those buckwheat cakes or doilies?”

Whether the question was heard or not is not known. It certainly was not answered, and silence reigned for a few minutes. Finally Mrs. Pedagog spoke, and in the manner of one who was somewhat embarrassed. “I am in an embarrassing position,” said she.

“Good!” said the Idiot, sotto voce, to the genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed. “There is hope for the landlady yet. If she can be embarrassed she is still human—a condition I was beginning to think she wotted not of.”

“She whatted what?” queried the genial gentleman, not quite catching the Idiot’s words.

“Never mind,” returned the Idiot. “Let’s hear how she ever came to be embarrassed.”

“I have had an application for my first-floor suite, and I don’t know whether I ought to accept it or not,” said the landlady.

“She has a conscience, too,” whispered the Idiot; and then he added, aloud, “And wherein lies the difficulty, Mrs. Pedagog?”

“The applicant is an actor; Junius Brutus Davenport is his name.”

“A tragedian or a comedian?” asked the Bibliomaniac.

“Or first walking gentleman, who knows every railroad tie in the country?” put in the Idiot.

“That I do not know,” returned the landlady. “His name sounds familiar enough, though. I thought perhaps some of you gentlemen might know of him.”

“I have heard of Junius Brutus,” observed the Doctor, chuckling slightly at his own humor, “and I’ve heard of Davenport, but Junius Brutus Davenport is a combination with which I am not familiar.”

“Well, I can’t see why it should make any difference whether the man is a tragedian, or a comedian, or a familiar figure to railroad men,” said Mr. Whitechoker, firmly. “In any event, he would be an extremely objec—”

“It makes a great deal of difference,” said the Idiot. “I’ve met tragedians, and I’ve met comedians, and I’ve met New York Central stars, and I can assure you they each represent a distinct type. The tragedians, as a rule, are quiet meek individuals, with soft low voices, in private life. They are more timid than otherwise, though essentially amiable. I knew a tragedian once who, after killing seventeen Indians, a road-agent, and a gross of cowboys between eight and ten p.m. every night for sixteen weeks, working six nights a week, was afraid of a mild little soft-shell crab that lay defenseless on a plate before him on the evening of the seventh night of the last week. Tragedians make agreeable companions, I can tell you; and if J. Brutus Davenport is a tragedian, I think Mrs. Pedagog would do well to let him have the suite, provided, of course, that he pays for it in advance.”

“I was about to observe, when our friend interrupted me,” said Mr. Whitechoker, with dignity, “that in any event an actor at this board would be to me an extremely objec—”

“Now the comedians,” resumed the Idiot, ignoring Mr. Whitechoker’s remark—“the comedians are very different. They are twice as bloodthirsty as the murderers of the drama, and, worse than that, they are given to rehearsing at all hours of the day and night. A tragedian is a hard character only on the stage, but the comedian is the comedian always. If we had one of those fellows in our midst, it would not be very long before we became part of the drama ourselves. Mrs. Pedagog would find herself embarrassed once an hour, instead of, as at present, once a century. Mr. Whitechoker would hear of himself as having appeared by proxy in a roaring farce before our comedian had been with us two months. The wise sayings of our friend the School-Master would be spoken nightly from the stage, to the immense delight of the gallery gods, and to the edification of the orchestra circle, who would wonder how so much information could have got into the world and they not know it before. The out-of-town papers would literally teem with witty extracts from our comedian’s plays, which we should immediately recognize as the dicta of my poor self.”

“All of which,” put in Mr. Whitechoker, “but proves the truth of my assertion that such a person would be an extremely objec—”

“Then, as I said before,” continued the Idiot, “he is continually rehearsing, and his objectionableness as a fellow-boarder would be greater or less, according to his play. If he were impersonating a shiftless wanderer, who shows remarkable bravery at a hotel fire, we should have to be prepared at any time to hear the fire-engines rushing up to the front door, and to see our comedian scaling the fire-escape with Mrs. Pedagog and her account-books in his arms, simply in the line of rehearsal. If he were impersonating a detective after a criminal masquerading as a good citizen, the School-Master would be startled some night by a hoarse voice at his keyhole exclaiming: ‘Ha! ha! I have him now. There is no escape save by the back window, and that’s so covered o’er with dust ’twere suffocation sure to try it.’ I hesitate to say what would happen if he were a tank comedian.”

“Perhaps,” said Mr. Whitechoker, with a trifle more impatience than was compatible with his calling—“perhaps you will hesitate long enough for me to state what I have been trying to state ever since this soliloquy of yours began—that in any event, whether this person be a tragedian, or a comedian, or a walking gentleman, or a riding gentleman in a circus, I object to his being admitted to this circle, and I deem it well to say right here that as he comes in at the front door I go out at the back. As a clergyman, I do not approve of the stage.”

“That ought to settle it,” said the Idiot. “Mr. Whitechoker is too good a friend to us all here for us to compel him to go out of that back door into the rather limited market-garden Mrs. Pedagog keeps in the yard. My indirect plea for the admission of Mr. Junius Brutus Davenport was based entirely upon my desire to see this circle completed or nearer completion than it is at present. We have all the professions represented here but the stage, and why exclude it, granting that no one objects? The men whose lives are given over to the amusement of mankind, and who are willing to place themselves in the most outrageous situations night after night in order that we may for the time being seem to be lifted out of the unpleasant situations into which we have got ourselves, are in my opinion doing a noble work. The theater enables us to woo forgetfulness of self successfully for a few brief hours, and I have seen the time when an hour or two of relief from actual cares has resulted in great good. Nevertheless, the gentleman is not elected; and if Mrs. Pedagog will kindly refill my cup, I will ask you to join me in draining a toast to the health of the pastor of this flock, whose conscience, paradoxical as it may seem, is the most frequently worn and yet the least thread-bare of the consciences represented at this table.”

This easy settlement of her difficulty was so pleasing to Mrs. Pedagog that the Idiot’s request was graciously acceded to, and Mr. Whitechoker’s health was drank in coffee, after which the Idiot requested the genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed to join him privately in eating buckwheat cakes to the health of Mr. Davenport.

“I haven’t any doubt that he is worthy of the attention,” he said; “and if you will lend me the money to buy the tickets, I’ll take you around to the Criterion tonight, where he is playing. I don’t know whether he plays Hamlet or A Hole in the Roof; but, at any rate, we can have a good time between the acts.”

IV

“I see the men are at work on the pavements this morning,” said the School-Master, gazing out through the window at a number of laborers at work in the street.

“Yes,” said the Idiot, calmly, “and I think Mrs. Pedagog ought to sue the Department of Public Works for libel. If she hasn’t a case no maligned person ever had.”

“What are you saying, sir?” queried the landlady, innocently.

“I say,” returned the Idiot, pointing out into the street, “that you ought to sue the Department of Public Works for libel. They’ve got their sign right up against your house. No Thorough Fare is what it says. That’s libel, isn’t it, Mr. Brief?”

“It is certainly a fatal criticism of a boarding-house,” observed Mr. Brief, with a twinkle in his eye, “but Mrs. Pedagog could hardly secure damages on that score.”

“I don’t know about that,” returned the Idiot. “As I understand it, it is an old maxim of the law that the greater the truth the greater the libel. Mrs. Pedagog ought to receive a million—By-the-way, what have we this morning?”

“We have steak and fried potatoes, sir,” replied Mrs. Pedagog, frigidly. “And I desire to add, that one who criticizes the table as much as you do would do well to get his meals outside.”

“That, Mrs. Pedagog, is not the point. The difficulty I find here lies in getting my meals inside,” said the Idiot.

“Mary, you may bring in the mush,” observed Mrs. Pedagog, pursing her lips, as she always did when she wished to show that she was offended.

“Yes, Mary,” put in the School-Master; “let us have the mush as quickly as possible—and may it not be quite such mushy mush as the remarks we have just been favored with by our talented friend the Idiot.”

“You overwhelm me with your compliments, Mr. Pedagog,” replied the Idiot, cheerfully. “A flatterer like you should live in a flat.”

“Has your friend completed his article on old jokes yet?” queried the Bibliomaniac, with a smile and some apparent irrelevance.

“Yes and no,” said the Idiot. “He has completed his labors on it by giving it up. He is a very thorough sort of a fellow, and he intended to make the article comprehensive, but he found he couldn’t, because, judging from comments of men like you, for instance, he was forced to conclude that there never was a new joke. But, as I was saying the other morning—”

“Do you really remember what you say?” sneered Mr. Pedagog. “You must have a great memory for trifles.”

“Sir, I shall never forget you,” said the Idiot. “But to revert to what I was saying the other morning, I’d like to begin life all over again, so that I could prepare myself for the profession of architecture. It’s the greatest profession in the world, and one which is surest to bring immortality to its successful follower. A man may write a splendid book, and become a great man for a while and within certain limits, but the chances are that some other man will come along later and supplant him. Then the book’s sale will die out after a time, and with this will come a diminution of its author’s reputation, in extent anyway. An actor or a great preacher becomes only a name after his death, but the architect who builds a cathedral or a fine public building really erects a monument to his own memory.”

“He does if he can build it so that it will stay up,” said the Bibliomaniac. “I think you, however, are better off as you are. If you had a more extended reputation or a lasting name you would probably be locked up in some retreat; or if you were not, posterity would want to know why.”

“I am locked up in a retreat of Nature’s making,” said the Idiot, with a sigh. “Nature has set around me certain limitations which, while they are not material, might as well be so as far as my ability to soar above them is concerned—and it’s well she has. If it were otherwise, my life would not be safe or bearable in this company. As it is, I am happy and not at all afraid of the effects your jealousy of me might entail if I were any better than the rest of you.”

“I like that,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“I thought you would,” said the Idiot. “That’s why I said it. I aim to please, and for once seem to have hit the bull’s-eye. Mary, kindly break open this biscuit for me.”

“Have you ideas on the subject of architecture that you so desire to become an architect?” queried Mr. Whitechoker, who was always full of sympathy for aspiring natures.

“A few,” said the Idiot.

Mr. Pedagog laughed outright.

“Let’s test his ideas,” he said, in an amused way. “Take a cathedral, for instance. Suppose, Mr. Idiot, a man should come to you and say: ‘Idiot, we have a fund of $800,000 in our hands, actual cash. We think of building a cathedral, and we think of employing you to draw up our plans. Give us some idea of what we should do.’ Do you mean to tell me that you could say anything reasonable or intelligent to that man?”

“Well, that depends upon what you call reasonable and intelligent. I have never been able to find out what you mean by those terms,” the Idiot answered, slowly. “But I could tell him something that I consider reasonable and intelligent.”

“From your own point of view, then, as to reasonableness and intelligence, what should you say to him?”

“I’d make him out a plan providing for the investment of his $800,000 in five-per-cent, gold bonds, which would bring him in an income of $40,000 a year; after which I should call his attention to the fact that $40,000 a year would enable him to take 10,000 poor children out of this sweltering city into the country, to romp and drink fresh milk and eat wholesome food for two weeks every summer from now until the end of time, which would build up a human structure that might be of more benefit to the world than any pile of bricks, marble, and wrought iron I or any other architect could conceive of,” said the Idiot. “The structure would stand up, too.”

“You call that architecture, do you?” said Mr. Pedagog.

“Yes,” said the Idiot, “of the renaissance order. But that, of course, you term idiocy—and maybe it is. I like to be that kind of an idiot. I do not claim to be able to build a cathedral, however. I don’t suppose I could even build a boarding-house like this, but what I should like to do in architecture would be to put up a $5000 dwelling-house for $5000. That’s a thing that has never been done, and I think I might be able to do it. If I did, I’d patent the plan and make a fortune. Then I should like to know enough about the science of planning a building to find out whether my model hotel is practicable or not.”

“You have a model hotel in your mind, eh?” said the Bibliomaniac.

“It must be a very small hotel if it’s in his mind,” said the Doctor.

“That’s tantamount to saying that it isn’t anywhere,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“Well, it’s a great hotel just the same,” said the Idiot. “Although I presume it would be expensive to build. It would have movable rooms, in the first place. Each room would be constructed like an elevator, with appliances at hand for moving it up and down. The great thing about this would be that persons could have a room on any floor they wanted it, so long as they got the room in the beginning. A second advantage would lie in the fact, that if you were sleeping in a room next door to another in which there was a crying baby, you could pull the rope and go up two or three flights until you were free from the noise. Then in case of fire the room in which the fire started could be lowered into a sliding tank large enough to immerse the whole thing in, which I should have constructed in the cellar. If the whole building were to catch fire, there would be no loss of life, because all the rooms could be lowered to the ground-floor, and the occupants could step right out upon solid ground. Then again, if you were down on the ground-floor, and desired to get an extended view of the surrounding country, it would be easy to raise your room to the desired elevation. Why, there’s no end to the advantages to be gained from such an arrangement.”

“It’s a fine idea,” said Mr. Pedagog, “and one worthy of your mammoth intellect. It couldn’t possibly cost more than a million of dollars to erect such a hotel, could it?”

“No,” said the Idiot. “And that is cheap alongside some of the hotels they are putting up nowadays.”

“It could be built on less than four hundred acres of ground, too, I presume?” said the Bibliomaniac, with a wink at the Doctor.

“Certainly,” said the Idiot, meekly.

“And if anybody fell sick in one of the rooms,” said the Doctor, “and needed a change of air, you could have a tower over each, I suppose, so that the room could be elevated high enough to secure the different quality in the ether?”

“Undoubtedly,” said the Idiot. “Although that would add materially to the expense. A scarlet-fever patient, however, in a hotel like that could very easily be isolated from the rest of the house by the maintenance of what might be called the hospital floor.”

“Superb!” said the Doctor. “I wonder you haven’t spoken to some architectural friend about it.”

“I have,” said the Idiot. “You must remember that young fellow with a black mustache I had here to dinner last Saturday night.”

“Yes, I remember him,” said the Doctor. “Is he an architect?”

“He is—and a good one. He can take a brownstone dwelling and turn it into a colonial mansion with a pot of yellow paint. He’s a wonder. I submitted the idea to him.”

“And what was his verdict?”

“I don’t like to say,” said the Idiot, blushing a little.

“Ha! ha!” laughed Mr. Pedagog. “I shouldn’t think you would like to say. I guess we know what he said.”

“I doubt it,” said the Idiot; “but if you guess right, I’ll tell you.”

“He said you had better go and live in a lunatic asylum,” said Mr. Pedagog, with a chuckle.

“Not he,” returned the Idiot, nibbling at his biscuit. “On the contrary. He advised me to stop living in one. He said contact with the rest of you was affecting my brain.”

This time Mr. Pedagog did not laugh, but mistaking his coffee cup for a piece of toast, bit a small section out of its rim; and in the midst of Mrs. Pedagog’s expostulation, which followed the School-Master’s careless error, the Idiot and the Genial Old Gentleman departed, with smiles on their faces which were almost visible at the back of their respective necks.

V

“Hullo!” said the Idiot, as he began his breakfast. “This isn’t Friday morning, is it? I thought it was Tuesday.”

“So it is Tuesday,” put in the School-Master.

“Then this fish is a little extra treat, is it?” observed the Idiot, turning with a smile to the landlady.

“Fish? That isn’t fish, sir,” returned the good lady. “That is liver.”

“Oh, is it?” said the Idiot, apologetically. “Excuse me, my dear Mrs. Pedagog. I thought from its resistance that it was fried sole. Have you a hatchet handy?” he added, turning to the maid.

“My piece is tender enough. I can’t see what you want,” said the School-Master, coldly.

“I’d like your piece,” replied the Idiot, suavely. “That is, if it really is tender enough.”

“Don’t pay any attention to him, my dear,” said the School-Master to the landlady, whose ire was so very much aroused that she was about to make known her sentiments on certain subjects.

“No, Mrs. Pedagog,” said the Idiot, “don’t pay any attention to me, I beg of you. Anything that could add to the jealousy of Mr. Pedagog would redound to the discomfort of all of us. Besides, I really do not object to the liver. I need not eat it. And as for staying my appetite, I always stop on my way downtown after breakfast for a bite or two anyhow.”

There was silence for a moment.

“I wonder why it is,” began the Idiot, after tasting his coffee—“I wonder why it is Friday is fish-day all over the world, anyhow? Do you happen to be learned enough in piscatorial science to enlighten me on that point, Doctor?”

“No,” returned the physician, gruffly. “I’ve never looked into the matter.”

“I guess it’s because Friday is an unlucky day,” said the Idiot. “Just think of all the unlucky things that may happen before and after eating fish, as well as during the process. In the first place, before eating, you go off and fish all day, and have no luck—don’t catch a thing. You fall in the water perhaps, and lose your watch, or your fish-hook catches in your coat-tails, with the result that you come near casting yourself instead of the fly into the brook or the pond, as the case may be. Perhaps the hook doesn’t stop with the coat-tails, but goes on in, and catches you. That’s awfully unlucky, especially when the hook is made of unusually barby barbed wire.

“Then, again, you may go fishing on somebody else’s preserves, and get arrested, and sent to jail overnight, and hauled up the next morning, and have to pay ten dollars fine for poaching. Think of Mr. Pedagog being fined ten dollars for poaching! Awfully unfortunate!”

“Kindly leave me out of your calculations,” returned Mr. Pedagog, with a flush of indignation.

“Certainly, if you wish it,” said the Idiot. “We’ll hand Mr. Brief over to the police, and let him be fined for poaching on somebody else’s preserves—although that’s sort of impossible, too, because Mrs. Pedagog never lets us see preserves of any kind.”

“We had brandied peaches last Sunday night,” said the landlady, indignantly.

“Oh yes, so we did,” returned the Idiot. “That must have been what the Bibliomaniac had taken,” he added, turning to the genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed. “You know, we thought he’d been—ah—he’d been absorbing.”

“To what do you refer?” asked the Bibliomaniac, curtly.

“To the brandied peaches,” returned the Idiot. “Do not press me further, please, because we like you, old fellow, and I don’t believe anybody noticed it but ourselves.”

“Noticed what? I want to know what you noticed and when you noticed it,” said the Bibliomaniac, savagely. “I don’t want any nonsense, either. I just want a plain statement of facts. What did you notice?”

“Well, if you must have it,” said the Idiot, slowly, “my friend who imbibes and I were rather pained on Sunday night to observe that you—that you had evidently taken something rather stronger than cold water, tea, or Mr. Pedagog’s opinions.”

“It’s a libel, sir!—a gross libel!” retorted the Bibliomaniac. “How did I show it? That’s what I want to know. How—did—I—show—it? Speak up quick, and loud too. How did I show it?”

“Well, you went upstairs after tea.”

“Yes, sir, I did.”

“And my friend who imbibes and I were left down in the front hall, and while we were talking there you put your head over the banisters and asked, ‘Who’s that down there?’ Remember that?”

“Yes, sir, I do. And you replied, ‘Mr. Auburnose and myself.’”

“Yes. And then you asked, ‘Who are the other two?’”

“Well, I did. What of it?”

“Mr. Auburnose and I were there alone. That’s what of it. Now I put a charitable construction on the matter and say it was the peaches, when you fly off the handle like one of Mrs. Pedagog’s coffee cups.”

“Sir!” roared the Bibliomaniac, jumping from his chair. “You are the greatest idiot I know.”

“Sir!” returned the Idiot, “you flatter me.”

But the Bibliomaniac was not there to hear. He had rushed from the room, and during the deep silence that ensued he could be heard throwing things about in the chamber overhead, and in a very few moments the banging of the front door and scurrying down the brownstone steps showed that he had gone out of doors to cool off.

“It is too bad,” said the Idiot, after a while, “that he has such a quick temper. It doesn’t do a bit of good to get mad that way. He’ll be uncomfortable all day long, and over what? Just because I attempted to say a good word for him, and announce the restoration of my confidence in his temperance qualities, he cuts up a high-jinks that makes everybody uncomfortable.

“But to resume about this fish business,” continued the Idiot. “Fish—”

“Oh, fish be hanged!” said the Doctor, impatiently. “We’ve had enough of fish.”

“Very well,” returned the idiot; “as you wish. Hanging isn’t the best treatment for fish, but we’ll let that go. I never cared for the finny tribe myself, and if Mrs. Pedagog can be induced to do it, I for one am in favor of keeping shad, shark, and shrimps out of the house altogether.”

VI

The Idiot was unusually thoughtful—a fact which made the School-Master and the Bibliomaniac unusually nervous. Their stock criticism of him was that he was thoughtless; and yet when he so far forgot his natural propensities as to meditate, they did not like it. It made them uneasy. They had a haunting fear that he was conspiring with himself against them, and no man, not even a callous schoolmaster or a confirmed bibliomaniac, enjoys feeling that he is the object of a conspiracy. The thing to do, then, upon this occasion, seemed obviously to interrupt his train of thought—to put obstructions upon his mental track, as it were, and ditch the express, which they feared was getting up steam at that moment to run them down.

“You don’t seem quite yourself this morning, sir,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“Don’t I?” queried the Idiot. “And whom do I seem to be?”

“I mean that you seem to have something on your mind that worries you,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“No, I haven’t anything on my mind,” returned the Idiot. “I was thinking about you and Mr. Pedagog—which implies a thought not likely to use up much of my gray matter.”

“Do you think your head holds any gray matter?” put in the Doctor.

“Rather verdant, I should say,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“Green, gray, or pink,” said the Idiot, “choose your color. It does not affect the fact that I was thinking about the Bibliomaniac and Mr. Pedagog. I have a great scheme in hand, which only requires capital and the assistance of those two gentlemen to launch it on the sea of prosperity. If any of you gentlemen want to get rich and die in comfort as the owner of your homes, now is your chance.”

“In what particular line of business is your scheme?” asked Mr. Whitechoker. He had often felt that he would like to die in comfort, and to own a little house, even if it had a large mortgage on it.

“Journalism,” said the Idiot. “There is a pile of money to be made out of journalism, particularly if you happen to strike a new idea. Ideas count.”

“How far up do your ideas count—up to five?” questioned Mr. Pedagog, with a tinge of sarcasm in his tone.

“I don’t know about that,” returned the Idiot. “The idea I have hold of now, however, will count up into the millions if it can only be set going, and before each one of those millions will stand a big capital S with two black lines drawn vertically through it—in other words, my idea holds dollars, but to get the crop you’ve got to sow the seed. Plant a thousand dollars in my idea, and next year you’ll reap two thousand. Plant that, and next year you’ll have four thousand, and so on. At that rate millions come easy.”

“I’ll give you a dollar for the idea,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“No, I don’t want to sell. You’ll do to help develop the scheme. You’ll make a first-rate tool, but you aren’t the workman to manage the tool. I will go as far as to say, however, that without you and Mr. Pedagog, or your equivalents in the animal kingdom, the idea isn’t worth the fabulous sum you offer.”

“You have quite aroused my interest,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “Do you propose to start a new paper?”

“You are a good guesser,” replied the Idiot. “That is a part of the scheme—but it isn’t the idea. I propose to start a new paper in accordance with the plan which the idea contains.”

“Is it to be a magazine, or a comic paper, or what?” asked the Bibliomaniac.

“Neither. It’s a daily.”

“That’s nonsense,” said Mr. Pedagog, putting his spoon into the condensed-milk can by mistake. “There isn’t a single scheme in daily journalism that hasn’t been tried—except printing an evening paper in the morning.”

“That’s been tried,” said the Idiot. “I know of an evening paper the second edition of which is published at midday. That’s an old dodge, and there’s money in it, too—money that will never be got out of it. But I really have a grand scheme. So many of our dailies, you know, go in for every horrid detail of daily events that people are beginning to tire of them. They contain practically the same things day after day. So many columns of murder, so many beautiful suicides, so much sport, a modicum of general intelligence, plenty of fires, no end of embezzlements, financial news, advertisements, and head-lines. Events, like history, repeat themselves, until people have grown weary of them. They want something new. For instance, if you read in your morning paper that a man has shot another man, you know that the man who was shot was an inoffensive person who never injured a soul, stood high in the community in which he lived, and leaves a widow with four children. On the other hand, you know without reading the account that the murderer shot his victim in self-defense, and was apprehended by the detectives late last night; that his counsel forbid him to talk to the reporters, and that it is rumored that he comes of a good family living in New England.

“If a breach of trust is committed, you know that the defaulter was the last man of whom such an act would be suspected, and, except in the one detail of its location and sect, that he was prominent in some church. You can calculate to a cent how much has been stolen by a glance at the amount of space devoted to the account of the crime. Loaf of bread, two lines. Thousand dollars, ten lines. Hundred thousand dollars, half-column. Million dollars, a full column. Five million dollars, half the front page, woodcut of the embezzler, and two editorials, one leader and one paragraph.

“And so with everything. We are creatures of habit. The expected always happens, and newspapers are dull because the events they chronicle are dull.”

“Granting the truth of this,” put in the School-Master, “what do you propose to do?”

“Get up a newspaper that will devote its space to telling what hasn’t happened.”

“That’s been done,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“To a much more limited extent than we think,” returned the Idiot. “It has never been done consistently and truthfully.”

“I fail to see how a newspaper can be made to prevaricate truthfully,” asserted Mr. Whitechoker. To tell the truth, he was greatly disappointed with the idea, because he could not in the nature of things become one of its beneficiaries.

“I haven’t suggested prevarication,” said the Idiot. “Put on your front page, for instance, an item like this: ‘George Bronson, colored, aged twenty-nine, a resident of Thompson Street, was caught cheating at poker last night. He was not murdered.’ There you tell what has not happened. There is a variety about it. It has the charm of the unexpected. Then you might say: ‘Curious incident on Wall Street yesterday. So-and-so, who was caught on the bear side of the market with 10,000 shares of J. B. & S. K. W., paid off all his obligations in full, and retired from business with $1,000,000 clear.’ Or we might say, ‘Superintendent Smithers, of the St. Goliath’s Sunday-school, who is also cashier in the Forty-eighth National Bank, has not absconded with $4,000,000.’”

“Oh, that’s a rich idea,” put in the School-Master. “You’d earn $1,000,000 in libel suits the first year.”

“No, you wouldn’t, either,” said the Idiot. “You don’t libel a man when you say he hasn’t murdered anybody. Quite the contrary, you call attention to his conspicuous virtue. You are in reality commending those who refrain from criminal practice, instead of delighting those who are fond of departing from the paths of Christianity by giving them notoriety.”

“But I fail to see in what respect Mr. Pedagog and I are essential to your scheme,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“I must confess to some curiosity on my own part on that point,” added the School-Master.

“Why, it’s perfectly clear,” returned the Idiot, with a conciliating smile as he prepared to depart. “You both know so much that isn’t so, that I rather rely on you to fill up.”

VII

A new boarder had joined the circle about Mrs. Pedagog’s breakfast-table. He had what the Idiot called a three-ply name—which was Richard Henderson Warren—and he was by profession a poet. Whether it was this that made it necessary for him to board or not, the rewards of the muse being rather slender, was known only to himself, and he showed no disposition to enlighten his fellow-boarders on the subject. His success as a poet Mrs. Pedagog found it hard to gauge; for while the postman left almost daily numerous letters, the envelopes of which showed that they came from the various periodicals of the day, it was never exactly clear whether or not the missives contained remittances or rejected manuscripts, though the fact that Mr. Warren was the only boarder in the house who had requested to have a wastebasket added to the furniture of his room seemed to indicate that they contained the latter. To this request Mrs. Pedagog had gladly acceded, because she had a notion that therein at some time or another would be found a clew to the new boarder’s past history—or possibly some evidence of such duplicity as the good lady suspected he might be guilty of. She had read that Byron was profligate, and that Poe was addicted to drink, and she was impressed with the idea that poets generally were bad men, and she regarded the waste-basket as a possible means of protecting herself against any such idiosyncrasies of her new-found genius as would operate to her disadvantage if not looked after in time.

This waste-basket she made it her daily duty to empty, and in the privacy of her own room. Half-finished “ballads, songs, and snatches” she perused before consigning them to the flames or to the large jute bag in the cellar, for which the ragman called two or three times a year. Once Mrs. Pedagog’s heart almost stopped beating when she found at the bottom of the basket a printed slip beginning, “The Editor regrets that the enclosed lines are unavailable,” and closing with about thirteen reasons, any one or all of which might have been the main cause of the poet’s disappointment. Had it not been for the kindly clause in the printed slip that insinuated in graceful terms that this rejection did not imply a lack of literary merit in the contribution itself, the good lady, knowing well that there was even less money to be made from rejected than from accepted poetry, would have been inclined to request the poet to vacate the premises. The very next day, however, she was glad she had not requested the resignation of the poet from the laureateship of her house; for the same basket gave forth another printed slip from another editor, begging the poet to accept the enclosed check, with thanks for his contribution, and asking him to deposit it as soon as practicable—which was pleasing enough, since it implied that the poet was the possessor of a bank account.

Now Mrs. Pedagog was consumed with curiosity to know for how large a sum the check called—which desire was gratified a few days later, when the inspired boarder paid his week’s bill with three one-dollar bills and a check, signed by a well-known publisher, for two dollars.

By the boarders themselves the poet was regarded with much interest. The School-Master had read one or two of his effusions in the Fireside Corner of the journal he received weekly from his home up in New England—effusions which showed no little merit, as well as indicating that Mr. Warren wrote for a literary syndicate; Mr. Whitechoker had known of him as the young man who was to have written a Christmas carol for his Sunday-school a year before, and who had finished and presented the manuscript shortly after New-Year’s day; while to the Idiot, Mr. Warren’s name was familiar as that of a frequent contributor to the funny papers of the day.

“I was very much amused by your poem in the last number of the Observer, Mr. Warren,” said the Idiot, as they sat down to breakfast together.

“Were you, indeed?” returned Mr. Warren. “I am sorry to hear that, for it was intended to be a serious effort.”

“Of course it was, Mr. Warren, and so it appeared,” said the School-Master, with an indignant glance at the Idiot. “It was a very dignified and stately bit of work, and I must congratulate you upon it.”

“I didn’t mean to give offense,” said the Idiot. “I’ve read so much of yours that was purely humorous that I believe I’d laugh at a dirge if you should write one; but I really thought your lines in the Observer were a burlesque. You had the same thought that Rossetti expresses in ‘The Woodspurge’:

‘The wind flapped loose, the wind was still,
Shaken out dead from tree to hill;
I had walked on at the wind’s will,
I sat now, for the wind was still.’

That’s Rossetti, if you remember. Slightly suggestive of ‘Blow Ye Winds of the Morning! Blow! Blow! Blow!’ but more or less pleasing.”

“I recall the poem you speak of,” said Warren, with dignity; “but the true poet, sir—and I hope I have some claim to be considered as such—never so far forgets himself as to burlesque his masters.”

“Well, I don’t know what to call it, then, when a poet takes the same thought that has previously been used by his masters and makes a funny poem—”

“But,” returned the Poet, warmly, “it was not a funny poem.”

“It made me laugh,” retorted the Idiot, “and that is more than half the professedly funny poems we get nowadays can do. Therefore I say it was a funny poem, and I don’t see how you can deny that it was a burlesque of Rossetti.”

“Well, I do deny it in toto.”

“I don’t know anything about denying it in toto,” rejoined the Idiot, “but I’d deny it in print if I were you. I know plenty of people who think it was a burlesque, and I overheard one man say—he is a Rossetti crank—that you ought to be ashamed of yourself for writing it.”

“There is no use of discussing the matter further,” said the Poet. “I am innocent of any such intent as you have ascribed to me, and if people say I have burlesqued Rossetti they say what is not true.”

“Did you ever read that little poem of Swinburne’s called ‘The Boy at the Gate’?” asked the Idiot, to change the subject.

“I have no recollection of it,” said the Poet, shortly.

“The name sounds familiar,” put in Mr. Whitechoker, anxious not to be left out of a literary discussion.

“I have read it, but I forget just how it goes,” vouchsafed the School-Master, forgetting for a moment the Robert Elsmere episode and its lesson.

“It goes something like this,” said the Idiot:

“Sombre and sere the slim sycamore sighs;

Lushly the lithe leaves lie low o’er the land;

Whistles the wind with its whisperings wise,
Grewsomely gloomy and garishly grand.
So doth the sycamore solemnly stand,
Wearily watching in wondering wait;
So it has stood for six centuries, and
Still it is waiting the boy at the gate.”

“No; I never read the poem,” said Mr. Whitechoker, “but I’d know it was Swinburne in a minute. He has such a command of alliterative language.”

“Yes,” said the Poet, with an uneasy glance at the Idiot. “It is Swinburnian; but what was the poem about?”

“‘The boy at the gate,’” said the Idiot. “The idea was that the sycamore was standing there for centuries waiting for the boy who never turns up.”

“It really is a beautiful thought,” put in Mr. Whitechoker. “It is, I presume, an allegory to contrast faithful devotion and constancy with unfaithfulness and fickleness. Such thoughts occur only to the wholly gifted. It is only to the poetic temperament that the conception of such a thought can come coupled with the ability to voice it in fitting terms. There is a grandeur about the lines the Idiot has quoted that betrays the master-mind.”

“Very true,” said the School-Master, “and I take this opportunity to say that I am most agreeably surprised in the Idiot. It is no small thing even to be able to repeat a poet’s lines so carefully, and with so great lucidity, and so accurately, as I can testify that he has just done.”

“Don’t be too pleased, Mr. Pedagog,” said the Idiot, dryly. “I only wanted to show Mr. Warren that you and Mr. Whitechoker, mines of information though you are, have not as yet worked up a corner on knowledge to the exclusion of the rest of us.” And with these words the Idiot left the table.

“He is a queer fellow,” said the School-Master. “He is full of pretense and hollowness, but he is sometimes almost brilliant.”

“What you say is very true,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “I think he has just escaped being a smart man. I wish we could take him in hand, Mr. Pedagog, and make him more of a fellow than he is.”

Later in the day the Poet met the Idiot on the stairs. “I say,” he said, “I’ve looked all through Swinburne, and I can’t find that poem.”

“I know you can’t,” returned the Idiot, “because it isn’t there. Swinburne never wrote it. It was a little thing of my own. I was only trying to get a rise out of Mr. Pedagog and his Reverence with it. You have frequently appeared impressed by the undoubtedly impressive manner of these two gentlemen. I wanted to show you what their opinions were worth.”

“Thank you,” returned the Poet, with a smile. “Don’t you want to go into partnership with me and write for the funny papers? It would be a splendid thing for me—your ideas are so original.”

“And I can see fun in everything, too,” said the Idiot, thoughtfully.

“Yes,” returned the Poet. “Even in my serious poems.”

Which remark made the Idiot blush a little, but he soon recovered his composure and made a firm friend of the Poet.

The first fruits of the partnership have not yet appeared, however.

As for Messrs. Whitechoker and Pedagog, when they learned how they had been deceived, they were so indignant that they did not speak to the Idiot for a week.

VIII

It was Sunday morning, and Mr. Whitechoker, as was his wont on the first day of the week, appeared at the breakfast table severe as to his mien.

“Working on Sunday weighs on his mind,” the Idiot said to the Bibliomaniac, “but I don’t see why it should. The luxury of rest that he allows himself the other six days of the week is surely an atonement for the hours of labor he puts in on Sunday.”

But it was not this that on Sunday mornings weighed on the mind of the Reverend Mr. Whitechoker. He appeared more serious of visage then because he had begun to think of late that his fellow-boarders lived too much in the present, and ignored almost totally that which might be expected to come. He had been revolving in his mind for several weeks the question as to whether it was or was not his Christian duty to attempt to influence the lives of these men with whom the chances of life had brought him in contact. He had finally settled it to his own satisfaction that it was his duty so to do, and he had resolved, as far as lay in his power, to direct the conversation at Sunday morning’s breakfast into spiritual rather than into temporal matters.

So, as Mrs. Pedagog was pouring the coffee, Mr. Whitechoker began:

“Do you gentlemen ever pause in your everyday labors and thought to let your minds rest upon the future—the possibilities it has in store for us, the consequences which—”

“No mush, thank you,” said the Idiot. Then turning to Mr. Whitechoker, he added: “I can’t answer for the other gentlemen at this board, but I can assure you, Mr. Whitechoker, that I often do so. It was only last night, sir, that my genial friend who imbibes and I were discussing the future and its possibilities, and I venture to assert that there is no more profitable food for reflection anywhere in the larders of the mind than that.”

“Larders of the mind is excellent,” said the School-Master, with a touch of sarcasm in his voice. “Perhaps you would not mind opening the door to your mental pantry, and letting us peep within at the stores you keep there. I am sure that on the subject in hand your views cannot fail to be original as well as edifying.”

“I am also sure,” said Mr. Whitechoker, somewhat surprised to hear the Idiot speak as he did, having sometimes ventured to doubt if that flippant-minded young man ever reflected on the serious side of life—“I am also sure that it is most gratifying to hear that you have done some thinking on the subject.”

“I am glad you are gratified, Mr. Whitechoker,” replied the Idiot, “but I am far from taking undue credit to myself because I reflect upon the future and its possibilities. I do not see how any man can fail to be interested in the subject, particularly when he considers the great strides science has made in the last twenty years.”

“I fail to see,” said the School-Master, “what the strides of science have to do with it.”

“You fail to see so often, Mr. Pedagog,” returned the Idiot, “that I would advise your eyes to make an assignment in favor of your pupils.”

“I must confess,” put in Mr. Whitechoker, blandly, “that I too am somewhat—er—somewhat—”

“Somewhat up a tree as to science’s connection with the future?” queried the Idiot.

“You have my meaning, but hardly the phraseology I should have chosen,” replied the minister.

“My style is rather epigrammatic,” said the Idiot, suavely. “I appreciate the flattery implied by your noticing it. But science has everything to do with it. It is science that is going to make the future great. It is science that has annihilated distance, and the annihilation has just begun. Twenty years ago it was hardly possible for a man standing on one side of the street to make himself heard on the other, the acoustic properties of the atmosphere not being what they should be. Today you can stand in the pulpit of your church, and by means of certain scientific apparatus make yourself heard in Boston, New Orleans, or San Francisco. Has this no bearing on the future? The time will come, Mr. Whitechoker, when your missionaries will be able to sit in their comfortable rectories, and ring up the heathen in foreign climes, and convert them over the telephone, without running the slightest danger of falling into the soup, which expression I use in its literal rather than in its metaphorical sense.”

“But—” interrupted Mr. Whitechoker.

“Now wait, please,” said the Idiot. “If science can annihilate degrees of distance, who shall say that before many days science may not annihilate degrees of time? If San Francisco, thousands of miles distant, can be brought within range of the ear, why cannot 1990 be brought before the mind’s eye? And if 1990 can be brought before the mind’s eye, what is to prevent the invention of a prophetograph which shall enable us to cast a horoscope which shall reach all around eternity and halfway back, if not further?”

“You do not understand me,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “When I speak of the future, I do not mean the temporal future.”

“I know exactly what you mean,” said the Idiot. “I’ve dealt in futures, and I am familiar with all kinds. It is you, sir, that do not understand me. My claim is perfectly plausible, and in its results is bound to make the world better. Do you suppose that any man who, by the aid of my prophetograph, sees that on a certain date in the future he will be hanged for murder is going to fail to provide himself with an alibi in regard to that particular murder, and must we not admit that having provided himself with that alibi he will of necessity avoid bloodshed, and so avoid the gallows? That’s reasonable. So in regard to all the thousand and one other peccadilloes that go to make this life a sinful one. Science, by a purely logical advance along the lines already mapped out for itself, and in part already traversed, will enable men to avoid the pitfalls and reap only the windfalls of life; we shall all see what terrible consequences await on a single misstep, and we shall not make the misstep. Can you still claim that science and the future have nothing to do with each other?”

“You are talking of matters purely temporal,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “I have reference to our spiritual future.”

“And the two,” observed the Idiot, “are so closely allied that we cannot separate them. The proverb about looking after the pennies and letting the pounds take care of themselves applies here. I believe that if I take care of my temporal future—which, by-the-way, does not exist—my spiritual future will take care of itself; and if science places the hereafter before us—and you admit that even now it is before us—all we have to do is to take advantage of our opportunities, and mend our lives accordingly.”

“But if science shows you what is to come,” said the School-Master, “it must show your fate with perfect accuracy, or it ceases to be science, in which event your entertaining notions as to reform and so on are entirely fallacious.”

“Not at all,” said the Idiot. “We are approaching the time when science, which is much more liberal than any other branch of knowledge, will sacrifice even truth itself for the good of mankind.”

“You ought to start a paradox company,” suggested the Doctor.

“Either that or make himself the nucleus of an insane asylum,” observed the School-Master, viciously. “I never knew a man with such maniacal views as those we have heard this morning.”

“There is a great deal, Mr. Pedagog, that you have never known,” returned the Idiot. “Stick by me, and you’ll die with a mind richly stored.”

Whereat the School-Master left the table with such manifest impatience that Mr. Whitechoker was sorry he had started the conversation.

The genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed and the Idiot withdrew to the latter’s room, where the former observed:

“What are you driving at, anyhow? Where did you get those crazy ideas?”

“I ate a Welsh-rarebit last night, and dreamed ’em,” returned the Idiot.

“I thought as much,” said his companion. “What deuced fine things dreams are, anyhow!”

IX

Breakfast was very nearly over, and it was of such exceptionally good quality that very few remarks had been made. Finally the ball was set rolling by the Lawyer.

“How many packs of cigarettes do you smoke a day?” he asked, as the Idiot took one from his pocket and placed it at the side of his coffee cup.

“Never more than forty-six,” said the Idiot. “Why? Do you think of starting a cigarette stand?”

“Not at all,” said Mr. Brief. “I was only wondering what chance you had to live to maturity, that’s all. Your maturity period will be in about eight hundred and sixty years from now, the way I calculate, and it seemed to me that, judging from the number of cigarettes you smoke, you were not likely to last through more than two or three of those years.”

“Oh, I expect to live longer than that,” said the Idiot. “I think I’m good for at least four years. Don’t you, Doctor?”

“I decline to have anything to say about your case,” retorted the Doctor, whose feeling towards the Idiot was not surpassingly affectionate.

“In that event I shall probably live five years more,” said the Idiot.

The Doctor’s lip curled, but he remained silent.

“You’ll live,” put in Mr. Pedagog, with a chuckle. “The good die young.”

“How did you happen to keep alive all this time then, Mr. Pedagog?” asked the Idiot.

“I have always eschewed tobacco in every form, for one thing,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“I am surprised,” put in the Idiot. “That’s really a bad habit, and I marvel greatly that you should have done it.”

The School-Master frowned, and looked at the Idiot over the rims of his glasses, as was his wont when he was intent upon getting explanations.

“Done what?” he asked, severely.

“Chewed tobacco,” replied the Idiot. “You just said that one of the things that has kept you lingering in this vale of tears was that you have always chewed tobacco. I never did that, and I never shall do it, because I deem it a detestable diversion.”

“I didn’t say anything of the sort,” retorted Mr. Pedagog, getting red in the face. “I never said that I chewed tobacco in any form.”

“Oh, come!” said the Idiot, with well-feigned impatience, “what’s the use of talking that way? We all heard what you said, and I have no doubt that it came as a shock to every member of this assemblage. It certainly was a shock to me, because, with all my weaknesses and bad habits, I think tobacco-chewing unutterably bad. The worst part of it is that you chew it in every form. A man who chews chewing-tobacco only may sometime throw off the habit, but when one gets to be such a victim to it that he chews up cigars and cigarettes and plugs of pipe tobacco, it seems to me he is incurable. It is not only a bad habit then; it amounts to a vice.”

Mr. Pedagog was getting apoplectic. “You know well enough that I never said the words you attribute to me,” he said, sternly.

“Really, Mr. Pedagog,” returned the Idiot, with an irritating shake of his head, as if he were confidentially hinting to the School-Master to keep quiet—“really you pain me by these futile denials. Nobody forced you into the confession. You made it entirely of your own volition. Now I ask you, as a man and brother, what’s the use of saying anything more about it? We believe you to be a person of the strictest veracity, but when you say a thing before a tableful of listeners one minute, and deny it the next, we are forced to one of two conclusions, neither of which is pleasing. We must conclude that either, repenting your confession, you sacrifice the truth, or that the habit to which you have confessed has entirely destroyed your perception of the moral question involved. Undue use of tobacco has, I believe, driven men crazy. Opium-eating has destroyed all regard for truth in one whose word had always been regarded as good as a government bond. I presume the undue use of tobacco can accomplish the same sad result. By-the-way, did you ever try opium?”

“Opium is ruin,” said the Doctor, Mr. Pedagog’s indignation being so great that he seemed to be unable to find the words he was evidently desirous of hurling at the Idiot.

“It is, indeed,” said the Idiot. “I knew a man once who smoked one little pipeful of it, and, while under its influence, sat down at his table and wrote a story of the supernatural order that was so good that everybody said he must have stolen it from Poe or some other master of the weird, and now nobody will have anything to do with him. Tobacco, however, in the sane use of it, is a good thing. I don’t know of anything that is more satisfying to the tired man than to lie back on a sofa, of an evening, and puff clouds of smoke and rings into the air. One of the finest dreams I ever had came from smoking. I had blown a great mountain of smoke out into the room, and it seemed to become real, and I climbed to its summit and saw the most beautiful country at my feet—a country in which all men were happy, where there were no troubles of any kind, where no whim was left ungratified, where jealousies were not, and where every man who made more than enough to live on paid the surplus into the common treasury for the use of those who hadn’t made quite enough. It was a national realization of the golden rule, and I maintain that if smoking were bad nothing so good, even in the abstract form of an idea, could come out of it.”

“That’s a very nice thought,” said the Poet. “I’d like to put that into verse. The idea of a people dividing up their surplus of wealth among the less successful strugglers is beautiful.”

“You can have it,” said the Idiot, with a pleased smile. “I don’t write poetry of that kind myself unless I work hard, and I’ve found that when the poet works hard he produces poems that read hard. You are welcome to it. Another time I was dreaming over my cigar, after a day of the hardest kind of trouble at the office. Everything had gone wrong with me, and I was blue as indigo. I came home here, lit a cigar, and threw myself down upon my bed and began to puff. I felt like a man in a deep pit, out of which there was no way of getting. I closed my eyes for a second, and to all intents and purposes I lay in that pit. And then what did tobacco do for me? Why, it lifted me right out of my prison. I thought I was sitting on a rock down in the depths. The stars twinkled tantalizingly above me. They invited me to freedom, knowing that freedom was not attainable. Then I blew a ring of smoke from my mouth, and it began to rise slowly at first, and then, catching in a current of air, it flew upward more rapidly, widening constantly, until it disappeared in the darkness above. Then I had a thought. I filled my mouth as full of smoke as possible, and blew forth the greatest ring you ever saw, and as it started to rise I grasped it in my two hands. It struggled beneath my weight, lengthened out into an elliptical link, and broke, and let me down with a dull thud. Then I made two rings, grasping one with my left hand and the other with my right—”

“And they lifted you out of the pit, I suppose?” sneered the Bibliomaniac.

“I do not say that they did,” said the Idiot, calmly. “But I do know that when I opened my eyes I wasn’t in the pit any longer, but upstairs in my hall-bedroom.”

“How awfully mysterious!” said the Doctor, satirically.

“Well, I don’t approve of smoking,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “I agree with the London divine who says it is the pastime of perdition. It is not prompted by natural instincts. It is only the habit of artificial civilization. Dogs and horses and birds get along without it. Why shouldn’t man?”

“Hear! hear!” cried Mr. Pedagog, clapping his hands approvingly.

“Where? where?” put in the Idiot. “That’s a great argument. Dog’s don’t put up in boarding-houses. Is the boarding-house, therefore, the result of a degraded, artificial civilization? I have seen educated horses that didn’t smoke, but I have never seen an educated horse, or an uneducated one, for that matter, that had even had the chance to smoke, or the kind of mouth that would enable him to do it in case he had the chance. I have also observed that horses don’t read books, that birds don’t eat muttonchops, that dogs don’t go to the opera, that donkeys don’t play the piano—at least, four-legged donkeys don’t—so you might as well argue that since horses, dogs, birds, and donkeys get along without literature, music, mutton-chops, and piano-playing—”

“You’ve covered music,” put in the Lawyer, who liked to be precise.

“True; but piano-playing isn’t always music,” returned the Idiot. “You might as well argue because the beasts and the birds do without these things man ought to. Fish don’t smoke, neither do they join the police force, therefore man should neither smoke nor become a guardian of the peace.”

“Nevertheless it is a pastime of perdition,” insisted Mr. Whitechoker.

“No, it isn’t,” retorted the Idiot. “Smoking is the business of perdition. It smokes because it has to.”

“There! there!” remonstrated Mr. Pedagog.

“You mean hear! hear! I presume,” said the Idiot.

“I mean that you have said enough!” remarked Mr. Pedagog, sharply.

“Very well,” said the Idiot. “If I have convinced you all I am satisfied, not to say gratified. But really, Mr. Pedagog,” he added, rising to leave the room, “if I were you I’d give up the practice of chewing—”

“Hold on a minute, Mr. Idiot,” said Mr. Whitechoker, interrupting. He was desirous that Mr. Pedagog should not be further irritated. “Let me ask you one question. Does your old father smoke?”

“No,” said the Idiot, leaning easily over the back of his chair—“no. What of it?”

“Nothing at all—except that perhaps if he could get along without it you might,” suggested the clergyman.

“He couldn’t get along without it if he knew what good tobacco was,” said the Idiot.

“Then why don’t you introduce him to it?” asked the Minister.

“Because I do not wish to make him unhappy,” returned the Idiot, softly. “He thinks his seventy years have been the happiest years that any mortal ever had, and if now in his seventy-first year he discovered that during the whole period of his manhood he had been deprived through ignorance of so great a blessing as a good cigar, he’d become like the rest of us, living in anticipation of delights to come, and not finding approximate bliss in living over the past. Trust me, my dear Mr. Whitechoker, to look after him. He and my mother and my life are all I have.”

The Idiot left the room, and Mr. Pedagog put in a greater part of the next half-hour in making personal statements to the remaining boarders to the effect that the word he used was eschewed, and not the one attributed to him by the Idiot.

Strange to say, most of them were already aware of that fact.

X

“The progress of invention in this country has been very remarkable,” said Mr. Pedagog, as he turned his attention from a scientific weekly he had been reading to a towering pile of buckwheat cakes that Mary had just brought in. “An Englishman has just discovered a means by which a ship in distress at sea can write for help on the clouds.”

“Extraordinary!” said Mr. Whitechoker.

“It might be more so,” observed the Idiot, coaxing the platterful of cakes out of the School-Master’s reach by a dexterous movement of his hand. “And it will be more so someday. The time is coming when the moon itself will be used by some enterprising American to advertise his soap business. I haven’t any doubt that the next fifty years will develop a stereopticon by means of which a picture of a certain brand of cigar may be projected through space until it seems to be held between the teeth of the man in the moon, with a printed legend below it stating that this is Tooforfivers Best, Rolled from Hand-made Tobacco, Warranted not to Crock or Fade, and for sale by All Tobacconists at Eighteen for a Dime.”

“You would call that an advance in invention, eh?” asked the School-Master.

“Why not?” queried the Idiot.

“Do you consider the invention which would enable man to debase nature to the level of an advertising medium an advance?”

“I should not consider the use of the moon for the dissemination of good news a debasement. If the cigars were good—and I have no doubt that someone will yet invent a cheap cigar that is good—it would benefit the human race to be acquainted with that fact. I think sometimes that the advertisements in the newspapers and the periodicals of the day are of more value to the public than the reading-matter, so-called, that stands next to them. I don’t see why you should sneer at advertising. I should never have known you, for instance, Mr. Pedagog, had it not been for Mrs. Pedagog’s advertisement offering board and lodging to single gentlemen for a consideration. Nor would you have met Mrs. Smithers, now your estimable wife, yourself, had it not been for that advertisement. Why, then, do you sneer at the ladder upon which you have in a sense climbed to your present happiness? You are ungrateful.”

“How you do ramify!” said Mr. Pedagog. “I believe there is no subject in the world which you cannot connect in some way or another with every other subject in the world. A discussion of the merits of Shakespeare’s sonnets could be turned by your dexterous tongue in five minutes into a quarrel over the comparative merits of cider and cod-liver oil as beverages, with you, the chances are, the advocate of cod-liver oil as a steady drink.”

“Well, I must say,” said the Idiot, with a smile, “it has been my experience that cod-liver oil is steadier than cider. The cod-liver oils I have had the pleasure of absorbing have been evenly vile, while the ciders that I have drank have been of a variety of goodness, badness, and indifferentness which has brought me to the point where I never touch it. But to return to inventions, since you desire to limit our discussion to a single subject, I think it is about the most interesting field of speculation imaginable.”

“There you are right,” said Mr. Pedagog, approvingly. “There is absolutely no limit to the possibilities involved. It is almost within the range of possibilities that some man may yet invent a buckwheat cake that will satisfy your abnormal craving for that delicacy, which the present total output of this table seems unable to do.”

Here Mr. Pedagog turned to his wife, and added: “My dear, will you request the cook hereafter to prepare individual cakes for us? The Idiot has so far monopolized all that have as yet appeared.”

“It appears to me,” said the Idiot at this point, “that you are the ramifier, Mr. Pedagog. Nevertheless, ramify as much as you please. I can follow you—at a safe distance, of course—in the discussion of anything, from Edison to flapjacks. I think your suggestion regarding individual cakes is a good one. We might all have separate griddles, upon which Gladys, the cook, can prepare them, and on these griddles might be cast in bold relief the crest of each member of this household, so that every man’s cake should, by an easy process in the making, come off the fire indelibly engraved with the evidence of its destiny. Mr. Pedagog’s iron, for instance, might have upon it a school-book rampant, or a large head in the same condition. Mr. Whitechoker’s cake-mark might be a pulpit rampant, based upon a vestryman dormant. The Doctor might have a lozengy shield with a suitable tincture, while my genial friend who occasionally imbibes could have a barry shield surmounted by a small effigy of Gambrinus.”

“You appear to know something of heraldry,” said the poet, with a look of surprise.

“I know something of everything,” said the Idiot, complacently.

“It’s a pity you don’t know everything about something,” sneered the Doctor.

“I would suggest,” said the School-Master, dryly, “that a little rampant jackass would make a good crest for your cakes.”

“That’s a very good idea,” said the Idiot. “I do not know but that a jackass rampant would be about as comprehensive of my virtues as anything I might select. The jackass is a combination of all the best qualities. He is determined. He minds his own business. He doesn’t indulge in flippant conversation. He is useful. Has no vices, never pretends to be anything but a jackass, and most respectfully declines to be ridden by Tom, Dick, and Harry. I accept the suggestion of Mr. Pedagog with thanks. But we are still ramifying. Let us get back to inventions. Now I fully believe that the time is coming when some inventive genius will devise a method whereby intellect can be given to those who haven’t any. I believe that the time is coming when the secrets of the universe will be yielded up to man by nature.”

“And then?” queried Mr. Brief.

“Then some man will try to improve on the secrets of the universe. He will try to invent an apparatus by means of which the rotation of the world may be made faster or slower, according to his will. If he has but one day, for instance, in which to do a stated piece of work, and he needs two, he will put on some patent brake and slow the world up until the distance traveled in one hour shall be reduced one-half, so that one hour under the old system will be equivalent to two; or if he is anticipating some joy, some diversion in the future, the same smart person will find a way to increase the speed of the earth so that the hours will be like minutes. Then he’ll begin fooling with gravitation, and he will discover a new-fashioned lodestone, which can be carried in one’s hat to counteract the influence of the center of gravity when one falls out of a window or off a precipice, the result of which will be that the person who falls off one of these high places will drop down slowly, and not with the rapidity which at the present day is responsible for the dreadful outcome of accidents of that sort. Then, finally—”

“You pretend to be able to penetrate to the finality, do you?” asked the Clergyman.

“Why not? It is as easy to imagine the finality as it is to go halfway there,” returned the Idiot. “Finally he will tackle some elementary principle of nature, and he’ll blow the world to smithereens.”

There was silence at the table. This at least seemed to be a tenable theory. That man should have the temerity to take liberties with elementary principles was quite within reason, man being an animal of rare conceit, and that the result would bring about destruction was not at all at variance with probability.

“I believe it’s happened once or twice already,” said the Idiot.

“Do you really?” asked Mr. Pedagog, with a show of interest. “Upon what do you base this belief?”

“Well, take Africa,” said the Idiot. “Take North America. What do we find? We find in the sands of the Sahara a great statue, which we call the Sphinx, and about which we know nothing, except that it is there and that it keeps its mouth shut. We find marvelous creations in engineering that today surpass anything that we can do. The Sphinx, when discovered, was covered by sand. Now I believe that at one time there were people much further advanced in science than ourselves, who made these wonderful things, who knew how to do things that we don’t even dream of doing, and I believe that they, like this creature I have predicted, got fooling with the center of gravity, and that the world slipped its moorings for a period of time, during which time it tumbled topsy-turvey into space, and that banks and banks of sand and water and ice thrown out of position simply swept on and over the whole surface of the globe continuously until the earth got into the grip of the rest of the universe once more and started along in a new orbit. We know that where we are high and dry today the ocean must once have rolled. We know that where the world is now all sunshine and flowers great glaciers stood. What caused all this change? Nothing else, in my judgment, than the monkeying of man with the forces of nature. The poles changed, and it wouldn’t surprise me a bit that, if the north pole were ever found and could be thawed out, we should find embedded in that great sea of ice evidences of a former civilization, just as in the Saharan waste evidences of the same thing have been found. I know of a place out West that is literally strewn with oyster-shells, and yet no man living has the slightest idea how they came there. It may have been the Massachusetts Bay of a prehistoric time, for all we know. It may have been an antediluvian Coney Island, for all the world knows. Who shall say that this little upset of mine found here an oyster-bed, shook all the oysters out of their bed into space, and left their clothes high and dry in a locality which, but for those garments, would seem never to have known the oyster in his prime? Off in Westchester County, on the top of a high hill, lies a rock, and in the uppermost portion of that rock is a so-called pot-hole, made by nothing else than the dropping of water of a brook and the swirling of pebbles therein. It is now beyond the reach of anything in the shape of water save that which falls from the heavens. It is certain that this pot-hole was never made by a boy with a watering-pot, by a hired man with a hose, by a workman with a drill, or by any rainstorm that ever fell in Westchester County. There must at some time or another have been a stream there; and as streams do not flow uphill and bore pot-holes on mountaintops, there must have been a valley there. Some great cataclysm took place. For that cataclysm nature must be held responsible mainly. But what prompted nature to raise hob with Westchester County millions of years ago, and to let it sleep like Rip Van Winkle ever since? Nature isn’t a freak. She is depicted as a woman, but in spite of that she is not whimsical. She does not act upon impulses. There must have been some cause for her behavior in turning valleys into hills, in transforming huge cities into wastes of sand, and oyster-beds into shell quarries; and it is my belief that man was the contributing cause. He tapped the earth for natural gas; he bored in and he bored out, and he bored nature to death, and then nature rose up and smote him and his cities and his oyster-beds, and she’ll do it again unless we go slow.”

“There is a great deal in what you say,” said Mr. Whitechoker.

“Very true,” said Mrs. Pedagog. “But I wish he’d stop saying it. The last three dozen cakes have got cold as ice while he was talking, and I can’t afford such reckless waste.”

“Nor we, Mrs. Pedagog,” said the Idiot, with a pleasant smile; “for, as I was saying to the Bibliomaniac this morning, your buckwheat cakes are, to my mind, the very highest development of our modern civilization, and to have even one of them wasted seems to me to be a crime against Nature herself, for which a second, third, or fourth shaking up of this earth would be an inadequate punishment.”

This remark so pleased Mrs. Pedagog that she ordered the cook to send up a fresh lot of cakes; and the guests, after eating them, adjourned to their various duties with light hearts, and digestions occupied with work of great importance.

XI

“I wonder what would have happened if Columbus had not discovered America?” said the Bibliomaniac, as the company prepared to partake of the morning meal.

“He would have gone home disappointed,” said the Idiot, with a look of surprise on his face, which seemed to indicate that in his opinion the Bibliomaniac was very dull-witted not to have solved the problem for himself. “He would have gone home disappointed, and we would now be foreigners, like most other Americans. Mr. Pedagog would doubtless be instructing the young scions of the aristocracy of Tipperary, Mr. Whitechoker would be Archbishop of Canterbury, the Bibliomaniac would be raising bulbs in Holland, and—”

“And you would be wandering about with the other wild men of Borneo at the present time,” put in the School-Master.

“No,” said the Idiot. “Not quite. I should be dividing my time up between Holland, France, Switzerland, and Spain.”

“You are an international sort of Idiot, eh?” queried the Lawyer, with a chuckle at his own wit.

“Say rather a cosmopolitan Idiot,” said the Idiot. “Among my ancestors I number individuals of various nations, though I suppose that if we go back far enough we were all in the same boat as far as that is concerned. One of my great-great-grandfathers was a Scotchman, one of them was a Dutchman, another was a Spaniard, a fourth was a Frenchman. What the others were I don’t know. It’s a nuisance looking up one’s ancestors, I think. They increase so as you go back into the past. Every man has had two grandfathers, four great-grandfathers, eight great-great-grandfathers, sixteen great-great-great-grandfathers, thirty-two fathers raised to the fourth power of great-grandness, and so on, increasing in number as you go further back, until it is hardly possible for anyone to throw a brick into the pages of history without hitting somebody who is more or less responsible for his existence. I dare say there is a streak of Julius Caesar in me, and I haven’t a doubt that if our friend Mr. Pedagog here were to take the trouble to investigate, he would find that Caesar and Cassius and Brutus could be numbered among his early progenitors—and now that I think of it, I must say that in my estimation he is an unusually amiable man, considering how diverse the nature of these men were. Think of it for a minute. Here a man unites in himself Caesar and Cassius and Brutus, two of whom killed the third, and then, having quarreled together, went out upon a battlefield and slaughtered themselves, after making extemporaneous remarks, for which this miserable world gives Shakespeare all the credit. It’s worse than the case of a friend of mine, one of whose grandfathers was French and the other German.”

“How did it affect him?” asked Mr. Whitechoker.

“It made him distrust himself,” said the Idiot, with a smile, “and for that reason he never could get on in the world. When his Teutonic nature suggested that he do something, his Gallic blood would rise up and spoil everything, and vice versa. He was eternally quarreling with himself. He was a victim to internal disorder of the worst sort.”

“And what, pray, finally became of him?” asked the Clergyman.

“He shot himself in a duel,” returned the Idiot, with a wink at the genial old gentleman who occasionally imbibed. “It was very sad.”

“I’ve known sadder things,” said Mr. Pedagog, wearily. “Your elaborate jokes, for instance. They are enough to make strong men weep.”

“You flatter me, Mr. Pedagog,” said the Idiot. “I have never in all my experience as a cracker of jests made a man laugh until he cried, but I hope to someday. But, really, do you know I think Columbus is an immensely overrated man. If you come down to it, what did he do? He went out to sea in a ship and sailed for three months, and when he least expected it ran slam-bang up against the Western Hemisphere. It was like shooting at a barn door with a Gatling gun. He was bound to hit it sooner or later.”

“You don’t give him any credit for tenacity of purpose or good judgment, then?” asked Mr. Brief.

“Of course I do. Plenty of it. He stuck to his ship like a hero who didn’t know how to swim. His judgment was great. He had too much sense to go back to Spain without any news of something, because he fully understood that unless he had something to show for the trip, there would have been a great laugh on Queen Isabella for selling her jewels to provide for a ninety-day yacht cruise for him and a lot of common sailors, which would never have done. So he kept on and on, and finally some unknown lookout up in the bow discovered America. Then Columbus went home and told everybody that if it hadn’t been for his own eagle eye emigration wouldn’t have been invented, and world’s fairs would have been local institutions. Then they got up a parade in which the King and Queen graciously took part, and Columbus became a great man. Meanwhile the unknown lookout who did discover the land was knocking about the town and thinking he was a very lucky fellow to get an extra glass of grog. It wasn’t anything more than the absolute justice of fate that caused the new land to be named America and not Columbia. It really ought to have been named after that fellow up in the bow.”

“But, my dear Idiot,” put in the Bibliomaniac, “the scheme itself was Columbus’s own. He evolved the theory that the earth is round like a ball.”

“To quote Mr. Pedagog—” began the Idiot.

“You can’t quote me in your own favor,” snapped the School-Master.

“Wait until I have finished,” said the Idiot. “I was only going to quote you by saying ‘Tutt!’ that’s all; and so I repeat, in the words of Mr. Pedagog, tutt, tutt! Evolved the theory? Why, man, how could he help evolving the theory? There was the sun rising in the east every morning and setting in the west every night. What else was there to believe? That somebody put the sun out every night, and sneaked back east with it under cover of darkness?”

“But you forget that the wise men of the day laughed at his idea,” said Mr. Pedagog, surveying the Idiot after the fashion of a man who has dealt an adversary a stinging blow.

“That only proves what I have always said,” replied the Idiot. “Wise men can’t find fun in anything but stern facts. Wise men always do laugh at truth. Whenever I advance some new proposition, you sit up there next to Mrs. Pedagog and indulge in tutt-tutterances of the most intolerant sort. If you had been one of the wise men of Columbus’s time there isn’t any doubt in my mind that when Columbus said the earth was round, you’d have remarked tutt, tutt, in Spanish.” There was silence for a minute, and then the Idiot began again. “There’s another point about this whole business that makes me tired,” he said. “It only goes to prove the conceit of these Europeans. Here was a great continent inhabited by countless people. A European comes over here and is said to be the discoverer of America and is glorified. Statues of him are scattered broadcast all over the world. Pictures of him are printed in the newspapers and magazines. A dozen different varieties of portraits of him are printed on postage-stamps as big as circus posters—and all for what? Because he discovered a land that millions of Indians had known about for centuries. On the other hand, when Columbus goes back to Spain several of the native Americans trust their precious lives to his old tubs. One of these savages must have been the first American to discover Europe. Where are the statues of the Indian who discovered Europe? Where are the postage-stamps showing how he looked on the day when Europe first struck his vision? Where is anybody spending a billion of dollars getting up a world’s fair in commemoration of Lo’s discovery of Europe?”

“He didn’t know it was Europe,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“Columbus didn’t know this was America,” retorted the Idiot. “In fact, Columbus didn’t know anything. He didn’t know any better than to write a letter to Queen Isabella and mail it in a keg that never turned up. He didn’t even know how to steer his old boat into a real solid continent, instead of getting ten days on the island. He was an awfully wise man. He saw an island swarming with Indians, and said, ‘Why, this must be India!’ And worst of all, if his pictures mean anything, he didn’t even know enough to choose his face and stick to it. Don’t talk Columbus to me unless you want to prove that luck is the greatest factor of success.”

“Ill-luck is sometimes a factor of success,” said Mr. Pedagog. “You are a success as an Idiot, which appears to me to be extremely unfortunate.”

“I don’t know about that,” said the Idiot. “I adapt myself to my company, and of course—”

“Then you are a schoolmaster among schoolmasters, a lawyer among lawyers, and so forth?” queried the Bibliomaniac.

“What are you when your company is made up of widely diverse characters?” asked Mr. Brief before the Idiot had a chance to reply to the Bibliomaniac’s question.

“I try to be a widely diverse character myself.”

“And, trying to sit on many stools, fall and become just an Idiot,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“That’s according to the way you look at it. I put my company to the test in the crucible of my mind. I analyze the characters of all about me, and whatever quality predominates in the precipitate, that I become. Thus in the presence of my employer and his office-boy I become a mixture of both—something of the employer, something of an office-boy. I run errands for my employer, and boss the office-boy. With you gentlemen I go through the same process. The Bibliomaniac, the School-Master, Mr. Brief, and the rest of you have been cast into the crucible, and I have tried to approximate the result.”

“And are an Idiot,” said the School-Master.

“It is your own name for me, gentlemen,” returned the Idiot. “I presume you have recognized your composite self, and have chosen the title accordingly.”

•    •    •

“You were a little hard on me this morning, weren’t you?” asked the genial old gentleman who occasionally imbibed, that evening, when he and the Idiot were discussing the morning’s chat. “I didn’t like to say anything about it, but I don’t think you ought to have thrown me into the crucible with the rest.”

“I wish you had spoken,” said the Idiot, warmly. “It would have given me a chance to say that the grain of sense that once or twice a year leavens the lump of my idiocy is directly due to the ingredient furnished by yourself. Here’s to you, old man. If you and I lived alone together, what a wise man I should be!”

And then the genial old gentleman went to the cupboard and got out a bottle of port wine that he had been preserving in cobwebs for ten years. This he opened, and as he did so he said, “I’ve been keeping this for years, my boy. It was dedicated in my youth to the thirst of the first man who truly appreciated me. Take it all.”

“I’ll divide with you,” returned the Idiot, with a smile. “For really, old fellow, I think you—ah—I think you appreciate yourself as much as I do.”

XII

“I wonder what it costs to run a flat?” said the Idiot, stirring his coffee with the salt-spoon—a proceeding which seemed to indicate that he was thinking of something else.

“Don’t you keep an expense account?” asked the Bibliomaniac, slyly.

“Hee-hee!” laughed Mrs. Pedagog.

“First-rate joke,” said the Idiot, with a smile. “But really, now, I should like to know for how little an apartment could be run. I am interested.”

Mrs. Pedagog stopped laughing at once. The Idiot’s words were ominous. She did not always like his views, but she did like his money, and she was not at all anxious to lose him as a boarder.

“It’s very expensive,” she said, firmly. “I shouldn’t ever advise anyone to undertake living in a flat. Rents are high. Butcher bills are enormous, because the butchers have to pay commissions, not only to the cook, so that she’ll use twice as much lard as she can, and give away three or four times as much to the poor as she ought, but janitors have to be seen to, and elevator-boys, and all that. Groceries come high for the same reason. Oh, no! Flat life isn’t the life for anybody, I say. Give me a good, first-class boarding-house. Am I not right, John?”

“Yes, indeed,” said Mr. Pedagog. “Every time. I lived in a flat once, and it was an awful nuisance. Above me lived a dancing-master who gave lessons at every hour of the day in the room directly over my study, so that I was always being disturbed at my work, while below me was a music-teacher who was practicing all night, so that I could hardly sleep. Worst of all, on the same floor with me was a miserable person of convivial tendencies, who always mistook my door for his when he came home after midnight, and who gave some quite estimable people two floors below to believe that it was I, and not he, who sang comic songs between three and four o’clock in the morning. There has not been too much love lost between the Idiot and myself, but I cannot be so vindictive as to recommend him to live in a flat.”

“I can bear testimony to the same effect,” put in Mr. Brief, who was two weeks in arrears, and anxious to conciliate his landlady.

“Testimony to the effect that Mr. Pedagog sang comic songs in the early morning?” said the Idiot. “Nonsense! I don’t believe it. I have lived in this house for two years with Mr. Pedagog, and I’ve never heard him raise his voice in song yet.”

“I didn’t mean anything of the sort,” retorted Mr. Brief. “You know I didn’t.”

“Don’t apologize to me,” said the Idiot. “Apologize to Mr. Pedagog. He is the man you have wronged.”

“What did he say?” put in Mr. Pedagog, with a stern look at Mr. Brief. “I didn’t hear what he said.”

“I didn’t say anything,” said the lawyer, “except that I could bear testimony to the effect that your experience with flat life was similar to mine. This young person, with his customary nerve, tries to make it appear that I said you sang comic songs in the early morning.”

“I try to do nothing of the sort,” said the Idiot. “I simply expressed my belief that in spite of what you said Mr. Pedagog was innocent, and I do so because my experience with him has taught me that he is not the kind of man who would do that sort of thing. He has neither time, voice, nor inclination. He has an ear—two of them, in fact—and an impressionable mind, but—”

“Oh, tutt!” interrupted the School-Master. “When I need a defender, you may spare yourself the trouble of flying to my rescue.”

“I know I may,” said the Idiot, “but with me it’s a question of can and can’t. I’m willing to attack you personally, but while I live no other shall do so. Wherefore I tell Mr. Brief plainly, and to his face, that if he says you ever sang a comic song he says what is not so. You might hum one, but sing it—never!”

“We were talking of flats, I believe,” said Mr. Whitechoker.

“Yes,” said the Idiot, “and these persons have changed it from flat talk to sharp talk.”

“Well, anyhow,” put in Mr. Brief, “I lived in a flat once, and it was anything but pleasant. I lost a case once for the simple and only reason that I lived in a flat. It was a case that required a great deal of strategy on my part, and I invited my client to my home to unfold my plan of action. I got interested in the scheme as I unfolded it, and spoke in my usual impassioned manner, as though addressing a jury, and, would you believe it, the opposing counsel happened to be visiting a friend on the next floor, and my eloquence floated up through the air-shaft, and gave our whole plan of action away. We were routed on the point we had supposed would pierce the enemy’s armor and lay him at our feet, for the wholly simple reason that that abominable air-shaft had made my strategic move a matter of public knowledge.”

“That’s a good idea for a play,” said the Idiot. “A roaring farce could be built up on that basis. Villain and accomplice on one floor, innocent victim on floor above. Plot floats up air-shaft. Innocent victim overhears; villain and accomplice say ‘ha ha’ for three acts and take a back seat in the fourth, with a grand transformation showing the conspirators in the county jail as a finale. Write it up with lots of livestock wandering in and out, bring in janitors and elevator-boys and butchers, show up some of the humors of flat life, if there be any such, call it A Hole in the Flat, and put it on the stage. Nine hundred nights is the very shortest run it could have, which at fifty dollars a night for the author is $45,000 in good hard dollars. Mr. Poet, the idea is yours for a fiver. Say the word.”

“Thanks,” said the Poet, with a smile; “I’m not a dramatist.”

“Then I’ll have to do it myself,” said the Idiot. “And if I do, goodbye Shakespeare.”

“That’s so,” said Mr. Pedagog. “Nothing could more effectually ruin the dramatic art than to have you write a play. People, seeing your work, would say, here, this will never do. The stage must be discouraged at all costs. A hypocrite throws the ministry into disgrace, an ignoramus brings shame upon education, and an unpopular lawyer gives the bar a bad name. I think you are just the man to ruin Shakespeare.”

“Then I’ll give up my ambition to become a playwright and stick to idiocy,” said the Idiot. “But to come back to flats. Your feeling in regard to them is entirely different from that of a friend of mine, who has lived in one for ten years. He thinks flat life is ideal. His children can’t fall downstairs, because there aren’t any stairs to fall down. His roof never leaks, because he hasn’t any roof to leak; and when he and his family want to go off anywhere, all he has to do is to lock his front door and go. Burglars never climb into his front window, because they are all eight flights up. Damp cellars don’t trouble him, because they are too far down to do him any injury, even if they overflow. The cares of housekeeping are reduced to a minimum. His cook doesn’t spend all her time in the front area flirting with the postman, because there isn’t any front area to his flat; and in a social way his wife is most delightfully situated, because most of her friends live in the same building, and instead of having to hire a carriage to go calling in, all she has to do is to take the elevator and go from one floor to another. If he pines for a change of scene, he is high enough up in the air to get it by looking out of his windows, over the tops of other buildings, into the green fields to the north, or looking westward into the State of New Jersey. Instead of taking a drive through the Park, or a walk, all he and his wife need to do is to take a telescope and follow some little sylvan path with their eyes. Then, as for expense, he finds that he saves money by means of a cooperative scheme. For instance, if he wants shad for dinner, and he and his wife cannot eat a whole one, he goes shares on the shad and its cost with his neighbors above and below.”

“Yes, and his neighbors above and below borrow tea and eggs and butter and ice and other things whenever they run short, so that in that way he loses all he saves,” said Mr. Pedagog, resolved not to give in.

“He does if he isn’t smart,” said the Idiot. “I thought of that myself, and asked him about it, and he told me that he kept account of all that, and always made it a point after some neighbor had borrowed two pounds of butter from him to send in before the week was over and borrow three pounds of butter from the neighbor. So far his books show that he is sixteen pounds of butter, seven pounds of tea, one bottle of vanilla extract, and a ton of ice ahead of the whole house. He is six eggs and a box of matches behind in his egg and match account, but under the circumstances I think he can afford it.”

“But,” said Mrs. Pedagog, anxious to know the worst, “why—er—why are you so interested?”

“Well,” said the Idiot, slowly, “I—er—I am contemplating a change, Mrs. Pedagog—a change that would fill me—I say it sincerely, too—with regret if—” The Idiot paused a minute, and his eye swept fondly about the table. His voice was getting a little husky too, Mr. Whitechoker noticed. “It would fill me with regret, I say, if it were not that in taking up housekeeping I am—I am to have the assistance of a better-half.”

“What??” cried the Bibliomaniac. “You? You are going to be—to be married?”

“Why not?” said the Idiot. “Imitation is the sincerest flattery. Mr. Pedagog marries, and I am going to flatter him as sincerely as I can by following in his footsteps.”

“May I—may we ask to whom?” asked Mrs. Pedagog, softly.

“Certainly,” said the Idiot. “To Mr. Barlow’s daughter. Mr. Barlow is—or was—my employer.”

“Was? Is he not now? Are you going out of business?” asked Mr. Pedagog.

“No; but, you see, when I went to see Mr. Barlow in the matter, he told me that he liked me very much, and he had no doubt I would make a good husband for his daughter, but, after all, he added that I was nothing but a confidential clerk on a small salary, and he thought his daughter could do better.”

“She couldn’t find a better fellow, Mr. Idiot,” said Mrs. Pedagog, and Mr. Pedagog rose to the occasion by nodding his entire acquiescence in the statement.

“Thank you very much,” said the Idiot. “That was precisely what I told Mr. Barlow, and I suggested a scheme to him by which his sole objection could be got around.”

“You would start in business for yourself?” said Mr. Whitechoker.

“In a sense, yes,” said the Idiot. “Only the way I put it was that a good confidential clerk would make a good partner for him, and he, after thinking it over, thought I was right.”

“It certainly was a characteristically novel way out of the dilemma,” said Mr. Brief, with a smile.

“I thought so myself, and so did he, so it was all arranged. On the 1st of next month I enter the firm, and on the 15th I am—ah—to be married.”

The company warmly congratulated the Idiot upon his good fortune, and he shortly left the room, more overcome by their felicitations than he had been by their arguments in the past.

The few days left passed quickly by, and there came a breakfast at Mrs. Pedagog’s house that was a mixture of joy and sadness—joy for his happiness, sadness that that table should know the Idiot no more.

Among the wedding gifts was a handsomely bound series of volumes, including a cyclopaedia, a dictionary, and a little tome of poems, the first output of the Poet. These came together, with a card inscribed, “From your Friends of the Breakfast Table,” of whom the Idiot said, when Mrs. Idiot asked for information:

“They, my dear, next to yourself and my parents, are the dearest friends I ever had. We must have them up to breakfast some morning.”

“Breakfast?” queried Mrs. Idiot.

“Yes, my dear,” he replied, simply. “I should be afraid to meet them at any other meal. I am always at my best at breakfast, and they—well, they never are.”

The Idiot at Home

CONTENTS:

1 … By Way of Introduction
2 … A Little Dinner to Some Old Friends
3 … In the Library
4 … As to a Small Dinner
5 … On the Maintenance of an Attic
6 … The Idiot’s Garden
7 … Household Poetry
8 … Some Consideration of the Hired Man
9 … On Social Accounts
10 … As to Santa Claus
11 … As to New-Year’s Day
12 … Some Domestic Inventions
13 … A Suburban Complication
14 … Some Consideration of the Moth
15 … Some Consideration of the Burglar
16 … Conclusion

I

BY WAY OF INTRODUCTION

“My dear,” said the Idiot one morning, as he and his good wife and the two little ones, Mollie and Tommy, sat down at the breakfast-table, “now that we are finally settled in our new house, I move we celebrate. Let’s give a dinner to my old friends of Mrs. Smithers’s; they were nice old people, and I should like to get them together again. I saw Dr. Pedagog in the city yesterday, and he inquired most affectionately, not to say anxiously, about the children.”

“Why should he be anxious about the children?” asked Mrs. Idiot, placidly, as she sweetened her husband’s coffee. “Does he suspect them of lacking completeness or variety?”

The Idiot tapped his forehead significantly.

“He didn’t know whether they take after you or after me, but I relieved his mind on that score,” he said. “I told him that they didn’t take after anybody that either of us ever knew. They have started in on a line of Idiocy that is entirely their own. He seemed very much pleased when I said that, and observed that he was glad to hear it.”

Mrs. Idiot laughed.

“It was very nice of the Doctor to ask about them, but I am a little afraid he wants to take a hand in their bringing up,” she said.

“No doubt of it,” said the Idiot. “Pedagog always was anxious to experiment. Many a time I have suspected him of having designs even on me.”

“Mrs. Pedagog told me last year that he had devised an entirely new system of home training,” observed Mrs. Idiot, “and they both regretted that they had no children of their own to try it on.”

“And of course you offered to lend Tommy to them?” said the Idiot, with a sly glance at his son, who was stowing away his oatmeal at a rate that bade fair to create a famine.

“Of course,” said Mrs. Idiot. “He’s got to get raw material somewhere, and I thought Tommy would be just the thing.”

“Well, I ain’t a-goin’,” said Tommy, helping himself liberally and for the third time to the oatmeal.

“My son,” said the Idiot, with a mock show of sternness, “if your mother chooses to lend you to anyone it is not for you to say that you ‘ain’t a-goin’. It may be that I shall interfere to the extent of demanding to know what security for your safe return is offered, but otherwise neither you nor I shall intervene. What your mother says is law for you as well as for me. Please understand that, Thomas.”

“All right, pa,” said Tommy; and then he added in an undertone, presumably to the butter, “But I ain’t a-goin’, just the same.”

“I’ll go,” said Mollie, who rather liked the idea of being lent to somebody, since it involved a visit to some strange and therefore fascinating spot away from home. “Lend me to somebody, will you, mamma?”

“Yes, ma, lend Mollie to ’em,” said Tommy, with, a certain dry enthusiasm, “and then maybe you can borrow a boy from somebody else for me to play with. I don’t see why you don’t swap her off for a boy, anyhow. I like her well enough, but what you ever wanted to buy her for in the beginning I don’t know. Girls isn’t any good.”

“Thomas,” said the Idiot, “you talk too much, and, what is more, you say vain things which someday you will regret. When you get older you will recall this dictum of yours, that ‘girls isn’t any good,’ with a blush of shame, and remember that your mother was once a girl.”

“Well, she’s outgrown it,” said Tommy; and then reverting to his father’s choice of words, he added, “What is dictums, anyhow?”

“Pooh!” cried the little girl. “Smarty don’t know what dictums is!”

“Suppose you two young persons subside for a few minutes!” interrupted the Idiot. “I wish to talk to your mother, and I haven’t got all day. You’ll be wanting some bread and butter tomorrow, and I must go to town and earn it.”

“All right, pa,” said Tommy. “I ain’t got anything to say that I can’t say to myself. I’d rather talk to myself, anyhow. You can be as sassy—”

“Thomas!” said the Idiot, severely.

“All right, pa,” said Tommy; and with a side remark to the cream-jug, that he still thought Mollie ought to be swapped off for something, it didn’t matter what as long as it wasn’t another girl, the boy lapsed into a deep though merely temporary silence.

“You said you’d like to give a dinner to Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog and the others,” said Mrs. Idiot. “I quite approve.”

“I think it would be nice,” returned the Idiot. “It has been more than six years since we were all together.”

“You wouldn’t prefer having them at breakfast, would you?” asked Mrs. Idiot, with a smile. “I remember hearing you say once that breakfast was your best time.”

“How long is six years, pa?” asked Tommy.

“Really, Thomas,” replied the Idiot, severely, “you are the most absurd creature. How long is six years!”

“I meant in inches,” said Tommy, unabashed. “You always told me to ask you when I wanted to know things. Of course, if you don’t know—”

“It’s more’n a mile, I guess,” observed Mollie, with some superiority of manner. “Ain’t it, pa?”

The Idiot glanced at his wife in despair.

“I don’t think, my dear, that I am as strong at breakfast as I used to be,” said he. “There was a time when I could hold my own, but things seem to have changed. Make it dinner; and, Tommy, when you have deep problems to solve, like how long is six years in inches, try to work them out for yourself. It will fix the results more firmly in your mind.”

“All right, pa,” replied Tommy; “I thought maybe you knew. I thought you said you knew everything.”

In accordance with the Idiot’s suggestion the invitations were sent out. It was a most agreeable proposition as far as his wife was concerned, for the Idiot’s old associates, his fellow-boarders at Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog’s “High-Class Home for Single Gentlemen,” had proved to be the stanchest of his friends. They had, as time passed on, gone their several ways. The Poet had made himself so famous that even his bad things got into print; the Bibliomaniac, by an unexpected stroke of fortune, had come into possession of his own again, and now possessed a library of first editions that auctioneers looked upon with envious eyes, and which aroused the hatred of many another collector. The Doctor had prospered equally, and was now one of the most successful operators for appendicitis; in fact, could now afford to refuse all other practice than that involved in that delicate and popular line of work. The genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed had not wholly reformed, but, as the Idiot put it, had developed into one who occasionally did not imbibe. Mr. Brief had become an assistant district attorney, and was prominently mentioned for a judgeship, and Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog lived placidly along together, never for an instant regretting the inspiration which led them to economize by making two into one. In short, time and fortune had dealt kindly with all, even with Mary, the housemaid, who was now general manager of the nursery in the Idiot’s household.

The home life of “Mr. and Mrs. Idiot” had been all that either of the young people could have wished for, and prosperity had waited upon them in all things. The Idiot had become a partner in the business of his father-in-law, and even in bad times had managed to save something, until now, with two children, aged five and six, he found himself the possessor of his own home in a suburban city. It had been finished only a month when the proposed dinner was first mentioned, and the natural pride of its master and mistress was delightful to look upon.

“Why, do you know, my dear,” said the Idiot one evening, on his return from town, “they are talking of asking me to resign from the club because they say I am offensive about this place, and Watson says my conversation has become a bore to everybody because the burden of my song yesterday was pots and pans and kettles and things like that?”

“I suppose clubmen are not interested in pots and pans and kettles and things,” Mrs. Idiot observed. “Some people aren’t, you know.”

“Not interested?” echoed the Idiot. “What kind of people can they be not to be interested in pots and pans and kettles and things? I guess it’s because of their dense ignorance.”

“They never had the fun of buying them, perhaps,” suggested Mrs. Idiot.

“Possibly,” assented the Idiot. “And I’ll tell you one thing, Pollie, dear,” he added, “if they had had that fun just once, instead of squandering their savings on clothes and the theater, and on horses, you’d find every blessed one of those chaps thronging the hardware shops all day and spending their money there. Why, do you know I even enjoyed getting the clothespins, and what is more, it was instructive. I never knew before what countless varieties of clothespins there were. There’s the plain kind of commerce that look like a pair of legs with a polo-cap on. I was brought up on those, and I used to steal them when I was a small boy, to act as understudies for Noah and Shem and Ham and Japheth in my Noah’s ark. Then there’s the patent kind with a spring to it that is guaranteed to hang onto a garment in a gale if it has to let go of the rope. Very few people realize the infinite variety of the clothespin, and when I try to tell these chaps at the club about it they yawn and try to change the subject to things like German opera and impressionism and international complications.”

“How foolish of them!” laughed Mrs. Idiot. “The idea of preferring to talk of Wagner when one can discourse upon clothespins!”

“I am afraid you are sarcastic,” rejoined the Idiot. “But you needn’t be; if you’d only reason it out you’d see at once that my view is correct. Anybody can talk about Wagner. Any person who knows a picture from a cable car can talk with seeming intelligence on art, and even a member of Congress can talk about international complications offhand for hours; but how many of these people know about clothespins?”

“Very few,” said Mrs. Idiot, meekly.

“Very few, indeed,” observed the Idiot. “And the same way with eggbeaters. I’ll bet you a laundry-stove that if I should write to the Recorder tomorrow morning, and ask a question about Wagner, the musical editor would give me an answer within twenty-four hours; but with reference to eggbeaters it would take ’em a week to find out. And that’s just the trouble. The newspapers are filled up with stuff that everybody knows about, but they don’t know a thing about other things on the subject of which the public is ignorant.”

“I think,” said Mrs. Idiot, reflectively, “that that is probably due to the fact that they consider Wagner more important than an eggbeater.”

“Well, then, they don’t know, that’s all,” rejoined the Idiot, rising and walking out into the kitchen and taking the fascinating object over which he was waxing so enthusiastic from the dresser drawer. “Just look at that!” he cried, turning the cogwheel which set the three intersecting metal loops whizzing like a squirrel in its wheel-cage. “Just look at that! It’s beautiful, and some people say Wagner is more important than that.”

“Well, I must say, my dear,” said Mrs. Idiot, “that I have a leaning that way myself. Of course, I admit the charm of the eggbeater, but—”

“Tell me one thing,” demanded the Idiot. “Can you get along without Wagner?”

“Why, yes,” Mrs. Idiot replied, “if I have to.”

“And can you get along without an eggbeater?” he cried, triumphantly.

The evidence was overwhelming, and Mrs. Idiot, with an appreciative ebullition of mirth, acknowledged herself defeated, and so charmingly withal, that the next day when her husband returned home he brought her two tickets for the opera of Siegfried as a reward for her graceful submission.

“I could have bought ten dozen muffin-rings for the same money,” said he, as he gave them to her, “but people who know when to give in, and do give in as amiably as you do, my dear, deserve to be rewarded; and, on the whole, when you use these tickets, if you’ll ask me, I think I’ll escort you to Siegfried myself.”

II

A LITTLE DINNER TO SOME OLD FRIENDS

Ten days later all was excitement at the Idiot’s new home. Tommy and Mollie were in a state bordering upon frenzy, and gave the cook a great deal of trouble, requesting a taste of this, that, and the other thing, which she was preparing for the dinner to Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog, the Bibliomaniac, and the others. Inwardly, too, they were somewhat wrathful, for they could not understand why they were not permitted to dine with their parents as usual.

“I guess maybe it’s your manners that keeps you away, Tommy,” said Mollie.

“Hoh!” said Tommy. “It can’t be that, because pa says I ain’t got any. It’s because you’re too young to be introdoosed into society, and I’ve got to stay upstairs and look after you. If you weren’t a girl!”

Here Tommy clenched his fists and looked unutterable things. Mollie shuddered and was glad she was a girl as she imagined the awful things Tommy would do to her had she been a boy.

“Neither of ’em’s it, Tommy,” she said, in a conciliatory manner. “It’s because they ain’t got enough dining-room chairs, that’s why. I know, because I counted ’em, and there’s only eight, and there’s nine people comin’.”

“I guess maybe that’s it,” said Tommy, pacified somewhat. “And anyhow, I don’t care. I saw that piece of paper ma gave Jennie, and she wrote down all the things they’re goin’ to have, and it’s goin’ to be two hours between the soup and the ice-cream. I couldn’t ever wait that long for the ice-cream. I don’t see why they don’t begin with ice-cream.”

“I guess maybe we’re better off as it is,” said Mollie. “Popper and mommer ain’t likely to forget us, and, besides, we can talk.”

And with this comforting reflection the little ones retired to their nursery contented in mind and spirit—and they didn’t suffer a bit. Their “popper and mommer” didn’t forget them. The ice-cream was excellent, and they had their share of it almost before the guests began with their oysters.

At seven o’clock Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog had arrived, and at seven-ten all the invited guests were present.

“If it hadn’t been for my wife,” Mr. Pedagog whispered in his host’s ear, “I should have been late, too.”

“Don’t apologize, old man,” replied the Idiot, gripping the Schoolmaster’s hand warmly. “I sometimes go to dinners on time myself.”

In a few moments dinner was announced, and shortly after all were seated, and in memory of old times the guests naturally waited for the Idiot to begin.

“Do you know,” he said, as he squeezed the juice from a luscious lemon over an unprotesting oyster, at the same time glancing affectionately over the company, “I haven’t felt so much at home for years as I do now.”

“Not very complimentary to your wife,” said Mr. Brief.

“Oh, I know what he means,” observed Mrs. Idiot.

“And I have so many other opportunities to compliment her,” said the Idiot.

“But really, Mrs. Pedagog,” he added, addressing the good lady who sat at his right, “I feel absolutely contented tonight. All the good things of the past and of the present seem to be concentrated about this board—except the three upstairs, who can’t very well be here.”

“Three?” asked Mr. Pedagog. “I thought there were only two—”

“Certainly,” said the Idiot. “Tommy and Mollie, but there is Mary, your old housemaid. We can’t very well ask them to dine with us, you know.”

“I don’t see why Tommy and Mollie can’t be invited,” said Mr. Pedagog, much to the Idiot’s surprise, it seemed so like a violation of his system, as it might be presumed to be.

“You believe in having children at table, then, Mr. Pedagog?” asked Mrs. Idiot.

“Most certainly,” said the Schoolmaster. Mrs. Pedagog glanced smilingly at Mrs. Idiot, as much as to say, “Oh, these men!”

“I certainly do approve of having children at table on all occasions,” he continued. “How else are they to learn how to conduct themselves? The discipline of the nursery is apt to be lax, and it is my belief that many of the bad table manners of the present-day child are due to the sense of freedom which eating dinner in the nursery naturally inculcates.”

“There is something in what you say,” said the Idiot. “Tommy, for instance, never learned to throw a French pancake across the table at his sister by watching his mother and myself here in the dining-room, yet in the freedom of the nursery I have known it done.”

“Precisely,” said Mr. Pedagog. “That very little incident illustrates my point exactly. And I have no doubt that in the nursery the offense seemed less heinous than it would had it occurred in the dining-room, and hence did not meet with the full measure of punishment that it deserved.”

“I have forgotten exactly what was done on that occasion,” said the Idiot, calmly. “It is my impression that I compelled Thomas to eat the pancake.”

“I am sure I never heard of the incident before,” said Mrs. Idiot, her cheeks growing very red. “He didn’t really, did he, dear?”

“By Jove!” cried the Idiot, snapping his forefinger against his thumb, “what a traitor I am, to be sure. I promised Thomas never to tell, and here I’ve given the poor little chap away; but the boy was excusable, I assure you all—that is, he was excusable in a sense. Mollie had previously hit him in the eye with a salted almond, and—”

“It is quite evident,” put in Mrs. Pedagog, her womanly sympathy leading her to rush to the aid of Mrs. Idiot, who seemed somewhat mortified over the Idiot’s confidences, “that you were not at home, my dear. I have myself observed that extraordinary episodes of this nature generally happen when it is the father who is left in charge of the children.”

“Quite right, Mrs. Pedagog,” said the Doctor, nodding his head gravely. “I have noticed the same thing in my professional practice. As long as the mother is about discipline is maintained, but once leave the father in charge and riot is the order of the day.”

“That’s exactly what I was going to say,” said the Idiot. “Many a time when Mrs. Idiot has gone out shopping, as she did on the day in question, and I have remained at home for a rest, I have wished before evening came that I had gone shopping and let my wife have the rest. As a matter of fact, the bringing up of children should be left to the mother—”

“Oh, but the father should have something to do with it,” interrupted Mrs. Idiot. “It is too great a responsibility to place on a woman’s shoulders.”

“You didn’t let me finish, my dear,” said the Idiot, amiably. “I was going to say that the mother should bring the children up, and the father should take ’em down when they get up too high.”

“My views to a dot,” said Mr. Pedagog, with more enthusiasm than he had ever yet shown over the Idiot’s dicta. “Just as in ordinary colonial government, the home authorities should govern, and when necessary a stronger power should intervene.”

“Ideal—is it not?” laughed Mrs. Idiot, addressing Mrs. Pedagog. “The mother, Spain. The children, Cuba. Papa, the great and glorious United States!”

“Ahem! Well,” said Mr. Pedagog, “I didn’t mean that exactly, you know—”

“But it’s what you said, John,” said Mrs. Pedagog, somewhat severely.

“Well, I don’t see why there can’t be a division of responsibility,” said the Poet, who had never married, and who knew children only as a theory. “Let the mothers look after them in the daytime, and the fathers at night.”

This sally was greeted with an outburst of applause, it was so practical.

“Excuse me!” said the Idiot. “I’m not selfish, but I don’t want to have charge of the children at night. Why, when Tommy was cutting his teeth I suffered agonies when night came on. I was downtown all day, and so wasn’t very much bothered then, but at night it was something awful. Not only Tommy’s tooth, but the fear that his mother would tread on a tack.”

“That was unselfish,” said Mr. Pedagog, dryly. “You weren’t afraid of treading on one yourself.”

“How could I?” said the Idiot. “I had all I could do trying to keep my wife from knowing that I was disturbed. It is bad enough to be worried over a crying babe, without being bothered by an irritated husband, so I simply lay there pretending to be asleep and snoring away for dear life.”

“You are the most considerate man I ever heard of,” said Mrs. Pedagog, smiling broadly.

“You don’t mean to say,” said the Poet, with a frown, “that you made your wife get up and take all the trouble and bother—”

“I’d only have been in the way,” said the Idiot, meekly.

“So he kept quiet and pretended to snore like the good old Idiot that he is,” put in the Doctor. “And he did the right thing, too,” he added. “If all fathers would obliterate themselves on occasions of that sort, and let the mothers rule, the Tommys and Dickies and Harrys would go to sleep a great deal more quickly.”

“We are rambling,” said Mr. Pedagog. “The question of a father’s duty towards a teething son has nothing to do with the question of a child’s right to dine with his parents.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Idiot. “If we are to consider this matter scientifically we must start right. Teething is a natural first step, for if a child hath no teeth, wherewithal shall he eat dinners with his parents or without them?”

“That is all very well,” retorted Mr. Pedagog, “but to discuss fire-engines intelligently it is not necessary to go back to the times of Elisha to begin it.”

Mr. Whitechoker—now the Rev. Theophilus Whitechoker, D.D., for he, too, had prospered—smiled deprecatingly. There is no man in the world who more thoroughly appreciates a biblical joke than the prosperous clergyman.

“Well,” said the Idiot, reflectively, “I quite agree with your proposition that children should dine in the dining-room with their parents and not upstairs in the nursery, with a lot of tin soldiers and golliwogs. The manners of parents are no better than those of tin soldiers and golliwogs, but their conversation is apt to prove more instructive; and as for the stern father who says his children must dine in the kitchen until they learn better manners, I never had much confidence in him or in his manners, either.”

“I don’t see,” said the genial old gentleman who occasionally imbibed, “how you can discipline children in the nursery. If they misbehave in the dining-room you can send them upstairs to the nursery, but if they misbehave in the nursery, where the deuce can you send them?”

“To bed,” said Mr. Brief.

“Never!” cried the Idiot. “Children, Mr. Brief, as I understand them—and I have known three very well; myself as a boy, and Tommy and Mollie—children, as I understand them, are never naughty for the mere fun of being so. Their wickedness grows out of their wonderful stores of unexpended and unexpendable energy. Take my son Thomas on last Saturday afternoon, for instance. It was a rainy Saturday, and Tommy, instead of being out-of-doors all morning and afternoon getting rid of his superfluous vitality, had been cooped up in the house all day doing nothing. Shortly before dinner we had a difference of opinion which lasted for more time than I like to think about. I was tired and irritable. Tommy wasn’t tired, but he was irritable, and, from his point of view, was as right as I was. He had the best of me to the extent that I was tired and he wasn’t. I had the best of him to the extent that I had authority and he hadn’t—”

“And who came out ahead?” asked Mr. Pedagog.

“I did,” said the Idiot, “because I was bigger than he was; but what I was going to say was this: Mr. Brief would have sent him to bed, thereby adding to the boy’s stock of energy, already too great for his little mind to control.”

“And what did you do?” asked Mr. Brief.

“Nothin’,” said a small but unmistakably masculine voice from behind the portieres.

“Thomas!” said the Idiot, severely, as all turned to see who had spoken.

A little figure clad in white, ably supported by a still smaller figure, also clad in white, but with an additional ruffle about the neck, both of them barefooted, appeared in the doorway.

“Why, Mollie!” said Mrs. Idiot.

“We comed down to thee how you wath gettin’ along,” said the little girl.

“Yes, we did,” said the boy. “But he didn’t do a thing to me that day,” he added, climbing on his father’s knee and snuggling down against his vest-pocket with a sweet little sigh of satisfaction. “Did you, pa?”

“Yes, Thomas,” said the Idiot. “Don’t you remember that I ignored you utterly?”

“Yes, I do,” said Tommy. “But I’d rather be spanked than not noticed at all.”

“I am afraid,” said Mr. Pedagog a few hours later, as he and Mrs. Pedagog were returning home, “I am very much afraid that the Idiot’s children are being spoiled.”

“I hope they are!” returned the good lady, “for really, John, I never knew a boy or a girl to grow into man or womanhood and amount to anything who hadn’t been spoiled in childhood. Spoiling is another name for the attitude of parents who make comrades of their children and who do not set themselves up as tyrants—”

“But the veneration of a child for his father and mother—” Mr. Pedagog began.

“Should not degenerate into the awe which one feels for an unrelenting despot!” interrupted Mrs. Pedagog.

The old gentleman discreetly retired from the field.

As for Mrs. and Mr. Idiot, they retired that night satisfied with the evening’s diversion, and just before he turned out the light the Idiot walked into the nursery to say good night to the children.

“You’re a good old pop!” said Tommy, with an affectionate hug. “The best I ever had!”

As for Mollie, she was sleeping soundly, with a smile on her placid little face which showed that, “spoiled” as she was, she was happy; and what should the Idiot or anyone else seek to bring into a child’s life but happiness?

III

IN THE LIBRARY

The Bibliomaniac had come off into the country to spend Sunday with the Idiot, and, as fortune would have it, Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog also appeared on the scene. After the mid-day dinner the little party withdrew to the library, where the Bibliomaniac began to discourse somewhat learnedly upon his hobby.

“I am glad to see, my dear Idiot,” he observed, as he glanced about the room at the well-filled shelves, “that as you grow older you are cultivating a love of good literature.”

“I heartily echo the sentiment,” said Mr. Pedagog, as he noted the titles of some of the volumes. “I may add that I am pleasurably surprised at some of your selections. I never knew, for instance, that you cared for Dryden, and yet I see here on the top shelf a voluminous edition of that poet.”

“Yes,” said the Idiot. “I have found Dryden very useful indeed. Particularly in that binding and in so many volumes. The color goes very well with the hangings, and the space the books occupy, eked out by a dozen others of the same color, gives to that top shelf all the esthetic effect of an attractive and tasteful frieze. Then, too, it is always well,” he added, with a sly wink at Mrs. Idiot, “to have a lot of books for a top shelf that is difficult to reach that nothing under the canopy could induce you to read. It is not healthful to be stretching upward, and with Dryden upon the top shelf my wife and I are never tempted to undermine our constitutions by taking him down.”

The Bibliomaniac laughed.

“Your view is at least characteristic,” said he, “and to tell you the absolute truth, I do not know that your judgment of the literary value of Dryden is at variance with my own. Somebody called him the Greatest Poet of a Little Age. Perhaps if the age had been bigger he’d not have shone so brilliantly.”

“Lowell,” observed Mr. Pedagog, “was responsible for that remark, if I remember rightly, and I have no doubt it is a just one, and yet I do not hold it up against Dryden. Man does not make the age. The age makes the man. Had there been any inspiring influences at work to give him a motive, an incentive, Dryden might have been a greater poet. To excel his fellows was all that could rightly be expected of him, and that he did.”

“Assuredly,” said the Idiot. “That has always been my view, and today we benefit by it. If he had gone directly to oblivion, Mrs. Idiot and I should have been utterly at a loss to know what to put on that top shelf.”

The Idiot offered his visitors a cigar.

“Thank you,” said the Bibliomaniac, taking his and sniffing at it with all the airs and graces of a connoisseur.

“I don’t know but that I will join you,” said Mr. Pedagog. “I did not smoke until I was fifty, and I suppose I ought not to have taken it up then, but I did, and I have taken a great deal of comfort out of it. My allowance is fifty-two cigars a year, one for each Sunday afternoon,” he added, with a kindly smile.

“Well, you want to look out you don’t get smoker’s heart,” said the Idiot. “When a man plunges into a bad habit as rashly as that, he wants to pull up before it is too late.”

“I have felt no ill effects since the first one,” rejoined Mr. Pedagog. “But you, my dear Idiot, how about your allowance? Is it still as great as ever? As I remember you in the old days you were something of a cigarette fiend.”

“I smoke just as much, but with this difference: I do not smoke for pleasure any more, Mr. Pedagog,” the Idiot replied. “As a householder I smoke from a sense of duty. It keeps moths out of the house, and insects from the plants.”

The Bibliomaniac meanwhile had been investigating the contents of the lower shelves.

“You’ve got a few rare things here, I see,” he observed, taking up a volume of short sketches illustrated by Leech, in color. “This small tome is worth its weight in gold. Where did you pick it up?”

“Auction,” said the Idiot. “I didn’t buy it by weight, either. I bought it by mistake. The colored pictures fascinated me, and when it was put up I bawled out ‘fifteen.’ Another fellow said ‘sixteen.’ I wasn’t going to split nickels so I bid ‘twenty.’ So we kept at it until it was run up to ‘thirty-six.’ Then I thought I’d break the other fellow’s heart by bidding fifty, and it was knocked down to me.”

“That’s a stiff price, but on the whole it’s worth it,” said the Bibliomaniac, stroking the back of the book caressingly.

“But,” said Mr. Pedagog, “if you bid on it consciously where did the mistake come in?”

The Idiot sighed. “I meant cents,” he said, “but the other chap and the auctioneer meant dollars. I went up and planked down a half-dollar and was immediately made aware of my error.”

“But you could have explained,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“Oh, yes,” said the Idiot, “I could, but after all I preferred to pay the extra $49.50 rather than make a public confession of such infernal innocence before some sixty or seventy habitués of a book-auction room.”

“And you were perfectly right!” said the Bibliomaniac. “You never would have dared set your foot in that place again if you had explained. They would have made life a burden to you. Furthermore, you have not paid too dearly for the experience. The book is worth forty dollars; and to learn better than to despise the man who makes his bid cautiously, and who advances by small bids rather than by antelopian jumps, is worth many times ten dollars to the man who collects rare books seriously. In the early days I scorned to break a five-dollar bill when I was bidding, just as you refused, as you put it, to split nickels, and many a time I have paid as high as twenty-five dollars for books that could have been had for twenty-one, because of that foolish sentiment.”

“I have often wondered,” Mr. Pedagog put in at this point, holding his cigar in a gingerly and awed fashion, taking a puff at it between words, by which symptoms the man who seldom smokes may always be identified, “I have often wondered what was the mission of a private library, anyhow. And now that I find you two gentlemen interested in a phase of book-collecting with which I have had little sympathy myself, possibly I may, without being offensive, ask a question. Do you, for instance, Mr. Idiot, collect books because you wish to have something nobody else has got, or do you buy your books to read?”

“That is a deep question,” said the Idiot, “and I do not know that I can answer it offhand. I have already confessed that I bought Dryden for his decorative quality. I purchased my Thackeray to read. I bought my Pepys Diary because I find it better reading than a Sunday newspaper, quite as gossipy, and with weather reports that are fully as reliable. But that particular Leech I bought because of my youthful love for colored pictures.”

“But you admit that it is valuable because of its rarity, and that compared to fifty dollars’ worth of books that are not rare it is not to be compared with them from a literary point of view?” said Mr. Pedagog.

“I presume,” said the Idiot, “that the fifty dollars I expended on that book would have provided me with a complete Shakespeare in one volume; all of Byron in green cloth and gold top; all of Dickens, Thackeray, Bulwer, and Austen in six volumes, with a margin of forty-five dollars left with which for nine years I could have paid for a subscription to the Mercantile Library, containing all the good reading of the present day and all the standard works of the past. But I rather like to have the books, and to feel that they are my own, even if it is only for the pleasure of lending them.”

“Still, if a man collects books merely for their contents—” persisted Mr. Pedagog.

“He is a wild, extravagant person,” said the Idiot. “He might save himself hundreds of dollars, not to say thousands. The library on that plan need not occupy an honored place among the rooms of the house. A mere pigeonhole with a subscriber’s card to a circulating library filed away in it will do as well, or if the city or town in which he lives maintains a public library he may spare himself even that expense.”

“Good for you!” exclaimed the Bibliomaniac. “That’s the best answer to the critics of book-collectors I have heard yet.”

“I agree with you,” said Mr. Pedagog. “It is a very comprehensive reply. As for you, my dear Bibliomaniac, why do you collect books?”

“Because I love ’em as books,” replied the Bibliomaniac. “Because of their associations, and because when I get a treasure I have the bliss of knowing I have something that others haven’t.”

“Then it is selfishness?” asked Mr. Pedagog.

“Just as everything else is,” returned the Bibliomaniac. “You, sir, if I may be personal without wishing to be offensive, are wedded to Mrs. Pedagog. You take pleasure in knowing that she belongs to you and not to anyone else. The Idiot here is proud of his children, and is glad they are his children and nobody else’s. I am wedded to my rare books, and it rejoices my soul to pick up a volume that is unique, and to know that it belongs to me and to no one else. If that is selfishness, then all possession is selfish.”

“That’s about it,” said the Idiot. “You collect books just as Mormons and Solomon used to collect wives. You are called a Bibliomaniac. I suppose Brigham Young and Solomon would have been known as Gamyomaniacs—though I don’t suppose that age in women as in books is a requisite of value to marrying men—and they are both of them supposed to be rather canny persons.”

Mr. Pedagog puffed away in silence. It was evident that the argumentum ad hominem did not please him.

“Well,” he said, after awhile, “possibly you are right. If a man wants a library to be a small British Museum—”

“He will take better care of his rarities than the Idiot does,” said the Bibliomaniac, putting the rare Leech back into its place. “If that were mine I’d put it out of the reach of my children.”

“I didn’t know you had any,” said the Idiot, eagerly.

“Oh, you know what I mean,” retorted the Bibliomaniac. “You place Dryden on the top shelf where Tommy and Mollie cannot get at him. But this book, which is worth ten larger paper editions of Dryden, you keep below, where the children can easily reach it. It’s a wonder to me you’ve been able to keep it in its present superb condition.”

“The mind of a child,” said Mr. Pedagog, sententiously, “is above values, above all conceits. It is the mind of sincerity, and a rare book has no greater attraction to the boy or girl than one not so favored.”

“That is not my reason,” said the Idiot. “I know children pretty well, and I have observed that they are ambitious, and in a sense rebellious. They want to do what they cannot do. That is why, when mothers place jam on the top shelf of the pantry, the children always climb up to get it. If they would leave it on the dining-room table, within easy reach, the children would soon cease to regard it as a thing to be sought for. Make jam a required article of diet and the little ones will soon cease to want it. So with that book. If I should put that out of Tommy’s reach, Tommy would lie awake nights to plan his campaign to get it. Leaving it where it is he doesn’t think about it, doesn’t want it, is not forbidden to have it, and so it escapes his notice.”

“You have the right idea, the human idea,” said Mr. Pedagog, and even the Bibliomaniac was inclined to agree. But just then Tommy happened in, with Mollie close after. The boy walked straight to the bookcase, and Mollie gathered up the large shears from the Idiot’s table, and together they approached their father.

“Pa,” said Mollie, holding up the scissors, “can I borrow these?”

“What for?” asked the Idiot.

“We want to cut the pictures out o’ this,” said Tommy, holding up the fifty-dollar Leech.

After all, it is difficult to lay down a cast-iron rule as to how a private library should be constructed or arranged, particularly when one’s loyalty is divided between one’s children and one’s merely bookish treasures.

IV

AS TO A SMALL DINNER

It was sad but true. Mr. and Mrs. Idiot had invited Mr. Whitechoker and Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog and the Poet to dinner, and for some reason or another the cook had taken wings unto herself and flown, and the guests were expected within two hours.

“I see now,” said the Idiot, “why they call it taking French leave. Nobody who doesn’t understand French understands it. If it wasn’t French, or if somebody would translate it for us, we might be able to comprehend it; as it is, it is one of the mysteries, and, as usual, we must make the best of it. Life, after all, my dear, consists largely of making the best of things.”

“Well, I’m sure I don’t know what to do,” said Mrs. Idiot, despairfully, “unless you telegraph them all not to come, and tell them why.”

“It is too late to do that,” said the Idiot, looking at his watch. “They’ve probably all left home by this time. Poets and clergymen and old people like Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog always do start an hour too early, for fear of missing their train.”

“I wouldn’t care so much about the Poet,” said Mrs. Idiot; “he doesn’t know enough about housekeeping, anyhow, to make it matter. But Mr. Whitechoker and Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog—I simply can’t ask them to camp out, as it were. The very fact that Mrs. Pedagog would become sympathetic immediately she learned what had happened would in itself be unbearable.”

“I thought women liked sympathy?” said the Idiot, with a proper manifestation of surprise.

“So they do; but you might just as well talk about claret as meaning one thing as of sympathy being all of the same brand,” Mrs. Idiot answered. “Certain kinds of claret are insufferable—sour and heady. I suppose there are sixty different kinds.”

“Sixty-two,” said the Idiot, blandly. “The sixty you mean and two more whose names I have forgotten.”

“I wish you would be serious for a moment,” Mrs. Idiot retorted, with as near an approach to irritation as was possible to one of her amiable disposition. “And it’s just the same way with sympathy,” she continued; “Mrs. Pedagog will lay this whole trouble to my inexperience. Probably she never had a servant take French leave in her life on the eve of a dinner-party.”

“I’ll bet she didn’t,” said the Idiot. “And for why? Because she never gave a dinner-party in all her life. The habits of early life cling unto old age, and even as in her early days as a boarding-house keeper she never gave anything, so now she doubtless considers giving a dinner as a reckless waste of opportunity. And she is quite right. Does a lawyer invite his friends to join him in an opinion? Never. Does Mr. Tiffany request Mr. and Mrs. Idiot to accept a diamond tiara given in their honor? Not. Does a true poet, with three names on his autograph, give a poem to anybody when he can sell it? Not if he knows it. Why, then, expect a landlady, by birth and previous training, to give a dinner?”

“I notice,” said Mrs. Idiot, severely, “that you are always willing to give your views!”

“Precisely, my dear, and that proves my point,” replied the Idiot, amiably. “I am not a professional viewer, and I am not a photographer by trade. Therefore, why should I not give my views? But really,” he added, “I wouldn’t bother; it’ll all come out right. I don’t know just how, but I am confident we shall have the most glorious dinner of our lives. When I was down cellar this morning looking at the gas-meter I saw two big boxes full of potatoes, a can of French peas, and a bottle of sarsaparilla, and if they don’t like what they get it will be because they are exacting. And I’ll wager you from what I know of their manners that if you gave them dried apples, cold tongue, and milk they’d say it was the most delightful repast they ever sat down to.”

“But I’d know they didn’t mean it,” said Mrs. Idiot, smiling in spite of her woe.

“And that brings up the question, why should your conscience be troubled by the insincerity of others?” said he. “Now, I’ll tell you what we’ll do. You fry the potatoes and I’ll boil the can of peas; I think four minutes will boil them hard, like an egg, and together we’ll put the sarsaparilla on ice, and bluff the whole thing through. Bluffing was always my strong point, and I have noticed, my dear, that in whatever I have tried to do since we were married you have contributed at least ninety percent to success. My bluff plus your efforts to make the thing a go will send our dinner to a premium.”

Mrs. Idiot remained properly silent. As a matter of fact, she was not even listening. She was considering. What on earth to do was the question in her mind, and it so entirely absorbed it that she fortunately had little left for the rather easy views of the Idiot himself.

“What is a dinner, anyhow?” the Idiot added, after the silence had to his mind become oppressive. “Is it a mere meal? Do the Poet and Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog and Mr. Whitechoker come here merely to get something to eat? Or do they come for the pleasure of our society, or for the pleasure of leaving home, or what? As I understand it, people go out to dine not because they have not a sufficiency of food at home, but because they wish to meet other people. That’s what I do. I can always have something better to eat at home than I can get at somebody else’s house; and furthermore, it is a more natural meal. Dinners generally are made up of pretty little things that nobody likes, and have no sustenance in them. A successful dinner lies not in successful cooking, but in pleasing conversation. Wherefore, it is not the cook, but the host and hostess who make a failure or a success of a dinner.”

“Then I presume if we simply spread the table and let you talk our guests will be satisfied?” said Mrs. Idiot, blandly.

“Precisely,” the Idiot replied. “It will be delightful. Just think of the menu! Instead of oysters I will indulge in a few opinions as to the intellectual qualities of bivalves generally, finishing up with a glowing tribute to the man who is content to be a clam and not talk too much. In the place of purée we will tackle some such subject as the future of Spain. I think I could ladle out a few sound ideas on that subject that would be as clear as the purest consommé. Then for fish, that would be easy. A good trout story, with imagination sauce, would do very well. For the entrée I will give you one of my most recent poems, and the roast will be—”

“And the rest of us are to sit and twiddle our thumbs while you soliloquize?” demanded Mrs. Idiot. “I rather think not. I will provide the roast, my dear John, and it will consist largely of remarks upon the ways of cooks.”

“A very proper subject for a roast,” observed the Idiot, complacently, “and in your present frame of mind I think it will be not only well done, but rare as well, with plenty of crisp. And so we can simply talk this dinner through. It will be novel, certainly, and if you provide plenty of bread and butter no one need go away hungry.”

“Very true,” Mrs. Idiot answered. “And now that you have had your fun, suppose we put our minds on the serious aspect of the case. Two hours from now four people are coming here hungry—”

“I have it!” cried the Idiot, delightedly. “Let’s borrow a cook! I don’t believe it’s ever been done before. It would be splendid, not only in getting us out of our troubles, but in establishing an entirely new principle in domestic science. What is the use of neighbors who will not be neighborly and lend you their most cherished possession?”

“None at all,” sighed Mrs. Idiot, despairingly.

“Now, when we lived in our flat in New York the people upstairs borrowed our ice,” said the Idiot; “the people downstairs borrowed our dining-room chairs; the people across the hall borrowed butter and milk and eggs, and I think we once borrowed a lemon from the people on the top floor.”

“Never!” cried Mrs. Idiot.

“Yes, we did, my dear,” insisted the Idiot. “At least I did. You and the children were off in the country, and one hot summer’s night, two years ago, I was consumed with a desire for a glass of lemonade, and as there were no lemons in the house, or the flat, I sent out to borrow. I began at the basement and worked up towards the roof, and ultimately got what I wanted, although, as I have said, it was the top-flat people I got it from.”

“And did you ever return it?” demanded Mrs. Idiot.

“I regret to say that I didn’t,” said the Idiot. “But I will, and with interest. I wonder what two years’ interest on a lemon is!” he added. “I suppose that a borrowed lemon compounded at the rate of six percent could be paid off by a lemon and one small Bermuda potato. I will send my check for both to those people tomorrow. What was their name?”

“I never knew,” said Mrs. Idiot. “I never liked them, and I never called. I am sorry you are under obligations to them.”

“Only for a lemon, though, dear,” said the Idiot, “at six percent”

“But what does all this prove?” demanded the poor little housekeeper.

“That the principle of lending is recognized among neighbors,” the Idiot explained. “If a neighbor will lend a lemon, surely a neighbor will lend a cook. The principle involved is the same in both cases. Particularly so in this case, for my experience with cooks has been that they are, after all, for the most part nothing but human lemons. If the departed Bridget had been anything but full of sourness she would not have left us so unexpectedly.”

“You don’t really think for a moment, do you, that the Jimpsonberrys would lend us their cook, or that she would come, or that I would ask them?” said Mrs. Idiot.

“Well, I suppose not,” said the Idiot. “I suppose not. But I don’t see why! First, the Jimpsonberrys, as our neighbors, ought to be willing to get us out of our trouble. Second, we don’t ask their cook to come for nothing. By coming she will receive an addition to her wages which will help her to endow a policeman with a moderate fortune someday when she marries him. As for your asking Mrs. Jimpsonberry to lend us her cook for a few hours, that is the main objection. When one borrows one must give collateral, and it may be that it would embarrass you to offer Mike as security for the safe return of the Jimpsonberrys’ cook. Anyhow, I see weak points in my plan, and we’d better abandon it. If the Jimpsonberrys’ cook is the only available incendiary in the neighborhood, we’d better stop where we are. When we dined at Jimpsonberrys’ last week I went away feeling that Jimpsonberry ought to collect fire insurance on that dinner. It wasn’t cooked; it was a plain case of arson.”

It was at this precise moment, when poor Mrs. Idiot was beginning to despair of getting any advice of value from her husband, that the telephone-bell rang, and the Idiot rose up to answer the call.

“Hello!” he said.

“Oh! Hello, old man!” he added. “That you? Glad to see you.”

“Yes,” he continued, after a pause. “Of course we expect you.”

“Seven o’clock sharp,” he remarked, a moment later. “You’ll surely be here?” Then after a second pause, he added:

“Good! You can stay all night if you wish; we’ve plenty of room. Goodbye.”

“Who was it?” asked Mrs. Idiot, as the Idiot hung up the receiver of the telephone.

“The Poet,” replied the Idiot. “He wanted to know at what hour dinner was.”

“Oh, dear!” cried Mrs. Idiot. “Why didn’t you tell him the dinner isn’t for tonight, but tomorrow night?”

“Didn’t need to, my dear,” said the Idiot, lighting a cigarette. “We’ve made a slight mistake. You invited these people, it now appears, for the twenty-ninth.”

“Certainly,” said Mrs. Idiot.

“Well, my love,” said the Idiot, with an affectionate glance, “today is the—ah—the twenty-eighth.”

Mrs. Idiot drew a sigh of relief.

“My!” she cried, “what a blessing! I wonder how I got so mixed!”

“It’s economy, perhaps,” suggested the Idiot. “If you will insist on buying out-of-date diaries and last year’s calendars at bargain-counters because they are cheap, I don’t really see how you can expect to keep up with the times.”

Mrs. Idiot laughed heartily. Her relief of mind was unmistakable.

“What would you have done, John, if this had really been the night?” she asked later.

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Idiot. “I think I should have taken you to New York to dinner, and bluffed our guests into believing they had come up on the wrong night. It is very easy for a host to put his guests in the wrong if he wants to. I don’t, but if I must, I must.”

As it was, the family dinner that night was a great success in spite of the absence of the cook, because Mrs. Idiot, who is an expert with the chafing-dish, found several odds and ends in the late cook’s domains, which, under her expert manipulation, became dishes which the Idiot said afterwards “remained long in the memory without proving too permanent a tax upon the digestion.”

V

ON THE MAINTENANCE OF AN ATTIC

The Idiot had been laid up for a week. That is to say, he was too indisposed to attend to business at his office, and the family physician thought it would be a good idea if his patient would be content to remain quietly indoors for a little while. To this the Idiot cheerfully consented.

“If there is one thing that I can do to perfection,” he said, “it is resting. Some men are born leisurely, some achieve leisure, and some are discharged by their employers. I belong to the first two classes. I can never become one of the third class, because, being my own employer, I am naturally pleased with myself, and am not likely to dispense with my own services.”

And so he stayed at home, and for a week pottered about the house, as he put it, and he had a glorious time.

“What are you going to do with yourself this morning, dear?” asked Mrs. Idiot on the morning of the first day. “I’ve got to go to market, and there are one or two other little things to be attended to which will keep me out for some hours. Do you think you can amuse yourself while I am out?”

“Well, I don’t know,” said the Idiot. “I can try. Of course, you know, my dear, that I am a good deal of a baby yet. However, if you can trust me to stay all by my lonesome for two or three hours I’ll try to behave. I promise not to take the piano apart, and I vow I won’t steal any jam, and I sha’n’t float hair-brushes in the bathtub pretending that they are armored cruisers looking for Spaniards, and I’ll try to be good, but I can’t make any promises.”

Mrs. Idiot smiled, as an indulgent guardian should, and went forth. The Idiot stayed at home and enjoyed himself. What he did is perhaps best indicated by his remarks some time later at a Sunday-night tea at which Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog, and Mr. Brief, the lawyer, were present.

“Mrs. Pedagog,” said the Idiot, “did you ever have an attic?”

“A what?” demanded the Schoolmaster, naturally somewhat nonplussed.

“An attic,” said the Idiot. “A favored spot wherein to potter, to root, to rummage.”

“Why, yes,” said Mrs. Pedagog, after a moment of deliberation. “I have had an attic, but it never seemed to me to be a particularly interesting spot. I’ve used it as a sort of store-room for things I didn’t know what to do with.”

“Useless things,” suggested Mr. Pedagog.

“Entirely so,” acquiesced the good lady.

“Then if they are useless, why keep them?” queried the Idiot. “Useless things might better be thrown away than stored away even in an attic.”

“Oh, as for that,” rejoined Mrs. Pedagog, “they were useless in the sense that there was nothing I could do with them, and yet there was generally some quality of association or something about them that so appealed to me that I couldn’t quite throw them away, or even bring myself to give them away.”

“That is the idea,” said the Idiot. “One’s cherished possessions are often stored away upstairs and forgotten, and then sometimes years after you’ll go rummaging about the house for lack of some other employment; an old trunk, a wooden box, will be unearthed in the attic, and then what a flood of memories will come rushing back over you as the long-forgotten objects come to light, one by one.”

“I have had much the same experience,” said Mr. Brief, “in what I might term my professional attic. We keep a room for the storage of old papers, and strange exhibits in litigation turn up there frequently that bring back old-time lawsuits in a most interesting fashion.”

“I suppose, then,” observed Mr. Pedagog, with a shrug of tolerant contempt, “that the attic is, in your estimation, a sort of repository for family archives.”

“That’s about it,” said the Idiot. “You ought to see mine. There are archives from the Ark in mine. I’ve got all the portraits of my unpopular relatives up there, and such a gallery of smug-looking individuals you never saw. There’s Uncle Jedediah, who hated me because I set off a giant cracker under his chair one Fourth of July, and who from that day vowed I was born to be hanged; and who sent me a crayon portrait of himself the following Christmas—”

“That seems to me to show a kindly feeling, not one of hatred, towards you,” suggested Mrs. Pedagog.

“Oh no,” said the Idiot, with a laugh. “You never knew my dear old Uncle Jed. He sent it in a pure spirit of revenge. He had to send something, and he picked out the one thing he had reason to know I didn’t want; and he was likewise aware that my mother had a sense of the proprieties and would hang that portrait upon the wall of my bedroom, whence it could stare at me, disapprovingly, forevermore. Still, when I became the head of my own house, I did not take a mean-spirited revenge on Uncle Jedediah’s portrait by selling it to one of the comic papers with a joke under it; I gave it the nicest, warmest, most comfortable spot I could find for it under a pile of old magazines in the attic, and the other day when it came to light again I greeted it with an affectionate smile; and the picture of the old gentleman rising hurriedly from over the giant cracker on that long-forgotten Fourth, brought vividly to mind by the portrait, brought tears to my eyes, I laughed so heartily. It really was very affecting.”

Mr. Pedagog gazed at the Idiot fondly.

“You are a great boy,” he said. “You’d never suspect it, but I had a similar case of Uncle Jed, but the years I have lived since have softened my feelings so that I remember my old relative with a certain degree of affection.”

“I shall never believe, my dear John,” said Mrs. Pedagog, “that in your day boys ever placed giant crackers under their uncles’ chairs.”

“We never did, my love,” Mr. Pedagog responded, quickly.

“Why, of course not,” laughed the Idiot. “They couldn’t, you know. They hadn’t been invented. What was your trouble with Uncle Jed, Mr. Pedagog?”

“Oh, our difference of opinion was rather of an ethical import,” replied Mr. Pedagog, genially. “My Uncle Jed was a preacher, and he used to speak entirely from notes which he would make out the night before and place in the pocket of his black coat. All I did was to take the notes of his next day’s sermon out of his pocket one Saturday evening, and put in their stead a—ah—a recipe for what we called Washington pie—and a very good pie it was.”

“John!” ejaculated Mrs. Pedagog.

“I did, my dear,” confessed the Schoolmaster, “and really I have never regretted it, although my particular uncle gave me a distressingly acrid and dreary lecture on my certain future when he found out what had happened. Yet what did happen, though mischievously intended, resulted in great good, for when the dear old gentleman stood up in the pulpit and started to preach the next morning, with the recipe for a Washington pie as the only available note at hand, he pulled himself together and preached offhand the finest sermon of his life, and he discovered then the secret of his after-success. He became known ultimately as one of the most brilliant preachers of his time, and from that moment never went into the pulpit with any factitious aids to his memory.”

“You mean cribs, don’t you?” asked the Idiot.

“That is what college-boys call them, I believe,” said Mr. Pedagog. “I will say further that a year before he died my Uncle Jed told me that it was my mischievous act that had given him the hint which became the keynote of his eloquence,” he added, complacently. “I shall always remember him affectionately.”

“Of course,” said the Idiot. “No doubt we all remember our Uncle Jeds affectionately. I certainly do. He was my mother’s brother, and he meant well. I never really blamed him for not knowing how to sympathize with a boyish prank, because there has never been a school of instructions for uncles. Unclehood is about the hardest hood man has to wear, and as I have observed uncles and their habits, they either spoil or repel the small chaps and chappesses who happen to be made their nephews and nieces by an accident of birth. Uncles are either intensely genial or intensely irritable, and as far as I am concerned it is my belief that our colleges should include in their curriculum a chair of ‘Uncleism.’ Unclehood is a relationship that man has to accept. It is thrust upon him. He can’t help himself. To be a father or a mother is a matter of volition. But even in a free country like our own, if a man has a brother or a sister he is liable to find himself an uncle at any time whether he wishes to be one or not. Then when it happens he’s got to reason out a course of procedure without any basis in previous experience.”

“Why don’t you write a book on ‘Hints to Uncles,’ or ‘The Complete Aunt,’” suggested Mr. Brief. “I have no doubt it would make good reading.”

“Thanks for the idea,” said the Idiot. “I think I’ll do it. Not in the hope of profit, but for the benefit of the race.”

“What has all this to do with attics?” asked Mrs. Idiot.

“The natural resting-place of the bad uncle,” explained the Idiot. “Still, I maintain that it is every man’s duty to keep an attic for the useless things, as Mrs. Pedagog calls them, which someday, when he least expects it, will carry his mind back to other days. The word itself, attic, carries the mind back to the splendors of Athens and other things that are out of date. When I was ill I found sincerest pleasure in rummaging. You can’t rummage in a library if your library is properly looked after. You can’t rummage in a bedroom in a well-kept house. You all know what parlors are—designed largely for the reception of people who come out to call upon you in their best Sunday clothes, and who would never think of calling upon you intimately, as a friend might, in his knickerbockers. You can’t rummage there. The only place where one may rummage with any degree of success is in the attic, and my experience has been such that I believe my recent illness has contributed to my health. My mind has been carried back to conditions that used to be. Conditions which existed then and which were inferior to conditions which now prevail make me satisfied with the present. Where old-time conditions were better than the existing one I have naturally discovered how to improve. Rummaging, therefore, is improving to the mind and contributes to one’s contentment.”

“Then there are good economical reasons for the maintenance of an attic,” the Idiot continued. “I found enough old boyhood collections of various things there to keep Tommy and Mollie happy for years without my having to pay out a penny for birthday presents—old stamps, old coins, old picture papers, and, I assure you, a lot of old newspapers, too, with better and more readable news in them than is now to be found in any of our modern bilious journals. Then the bundles of letters that came out of that place—my mother’s letters to me, written while I was away at school; my father’s letters in the old days at your house, Mrs. Pedagog, which did much to keep me straight then and re-reading of which doesn’t hurt now; and, best of all,” he added, with an affectionate glance at Mrs. Idiot, “a little bundle of my own letters to a certain person tied up with a blue ribbon, and full of pressed roses and autumn leaves and promises—”

“In the attic?” asked Mr. Brief, with a dry smile. “Is that where Mrs. Idiot keeps your promises?”

Mrs. Idiot blushed. “I have a cedar chest full of treasures up there,” she said. “I thought it was locked.”

“Well, anyhow, I found them,” said the Idiot, cheerfully; “and while they were not especially good reading, they were good reminders of other days. It wouldn’t be a bad idea if every married man were to read over the letters of his days of courtship once a year. I think it would bring back more forcibly than anything else the conditions of the contract which he was inviting the young partner of his joys to sign. If an attic never held anything but bundles of one’s old love-letters it would demonstrate its right to become an institution.”

“Very true,” said the lawyer; “but,” he added, prompted by that cautious spirit which goes always with the professional giver of advice, “suppose that side by side with that little bundle of pressed flowers and autumn leaves and promises one should chance to find another little bundle of pressed flowers and autumn leaves and promises—the promises written by some other hand than the hand that is rummaging in the cedar chest? What then? Would that prove a pleasing find?”

“Oh, as for that,” the Idiot remarked, “when I advocate the maintenance of an attic as one of the first duties of mankind, I mean its intelligent maintenance. The thing which makes of the British Museum, the National Attic of Great Britain, a positive educational force is its intelligent direction. It is the storehouse of the useless possessions of the British Empire which have an inspiring quality. There is nothing in it which makes a Briton think less of himself or which in any way unpleasantly disturbs his equanimity. So with the attic of the humble citizen. It must be intelligently directed if it is to become an institution, and should not be made the repository of useless things which ought to be destroyed, among which I class that other possible bundle to which you refer.”

And inasmuch as the whole party agreed to the validity of this proposition, the subject was dropped, and the Idiot and his guests wandered on to other things.

VI

THE IDIOT’S GARDEN

“I should think, my dear Idiot,” Mr. Pedagog observed one summer evening, as his host stood upon the back piazza of “Castle Idiot,” as they had come to call the dwelling-place of their friend, “that with all this space you have about you, you would devote some of it to a garden.”

“Why, I do,” said the Idiot. “I’ve got a small patch down there behind the tennis-court, fifty by one hundred feet, under cultivation. The stuff we get is almost as good as the average canned goods, too. We had a stalk of asparagus the other night that was magnificent as far as it went. It was edible for quite a sixteenth of an inch, or at least I was told so. That portion of it had already been nibbled off by my son Thomas while it was resting in the pantry waiting to be served. However, the inedible end which arrived was quite sturdy, and might have stood between my family and starvation if the necessity had arisen.”

“One stalk of asparagus is a pretty poor crop, I should say,” observed the lawyer, with a laugh.

“You might think so,” said the Idiot. “But everything in the world is comparative, after all. Ants build ant-hills which are several feet lower than the Alps, and yet they are monumental, considering that they were made by ants. All things considered, Mrs. Idiot and I were proud of our asparagus crop, and distinctly regretted that it did not survive to be served in proper state at dinner. If I remember rightly, Thomas was severely reprimanded for his privateering act in biting off the green end of it before I had a chance to see it.”

“’Twasn’t specially good,” said Tommy, loftily.

“I am very glad it was not, my son,” said the Idiot. “I should be very sorry to hear that you had derived the slightest sensation of pleasure from your piratical and utterly inexcusable act.”

“Do you usually serve so small a portion of the product of your garden?” asked Mr. Brief.

“Sometimes we don’t serve anything at all from it,” said the Idiot, “which you will observe is smaller yet. In this instance Mrs. Idiot intended a little surprise for me. We had struggled with that asparagus-bed for some time. The madame had studied up asparagus in her botany. I had looked it up in the cyclopedia and the Century dictionary. We had ordered it in various styles when we dined out at the New York hotels, and we had frequently bought cans of it in order to familiarize ourselves more intimately with its general personal appearance. Then we consulted people we thought would be likely to know how to obtain the best results, and what they told us to do we did, but somehow it didn’t work. Our asparagus crop languished. We sprinkled it in person. We put all sorts of garden cosmetics on it to improve its complexion, but it seemed hopeless, and finally when I footed up the asparagus item in my account-book, and discovered that we had paid out enough money without results of a satisfactory nature to have kept us in canned asparagus for four years, we got discouraged, and resolved to give it up. It was while Michael, our gardener, was removing the evidences of our failure that he discovered the one perfect stalk, and like the honest old gardener that he is, he immediately brought it into the house and presented it to my wife. She naturally rejoiced that our efforts had not been entirely in vain, and in her usual spirit of self-sacrifice had the stalk cooked as a surprise for me. As I have told you, that small circumstance Thomas, over which we seem to have no control, got ahead of us—”

“You was surprised, wasn’t you, pa?” demanded the boy.

“Somewhat, my son,” said the Idiot, “but not in the way your mother had designed, exactly.”

“Is asparagus the extent of your gardening?” queried Mrs. Pedagog.

“Oh no, indeed!” replied Mrs. Idiot. “We’ve had peas and beets and beans and eggplant and corn—almost everything, in fact, including potatoes.”

“Yes, ma’am,” said the Idiot, “almost everything, including potatoes. Our pea crop was lovely. We had five podfuls for dinner on the Fourth of July, and the children celebrated the day by podding them for the cook. They popped open almost as noisily as a torpedo. It was really very enjoyable. Indeed, one of the results of that pea crop has been to give me an idea by which I may someday redeem my losses on the asparagus-bed. An explosive pea which should be edible, and yet would pop open with the noise of a small firecracker, would be a delight to the children and serviceable for the table. I don’t exactly know how to bring about the desired results, but it seems to me if I were to mix a little saltpeter in the water with which we irrigate our pea-trees the required snap would be obtained. Then on the Fourth of July the children, instead of burning their fingers and filling their parents with nervous dread setting off firecrackers, could sit out on the back piazza and shell the peas for the cook—”

“I’d rather shell Spangyards,” said Mollie.

“I am surprised at you, my child,” said the Idiot. “A little girl like you should be an advocate of peace, not of war.”

“You can’t eat Spaniards, either, can you, pa?” said Tommy, who, while he shared Mollie’s views as to the comparative value for shelling purposes of peas and Spaniards, was nevertheless quite interested in the development of a pea-pod that would open with a bang.

“No, Tommy,” said the Idiot, “you can’t eat Spaniards, and they’d be sure to disagree with you if you could.”

“That is a very interesting proposition of yours,” said Mr. Brief, “but it has its dangers. A dynamite pea would prove very attractive so long as its explosive qualities were confined to the pod and its opening. But how are you going to keep the saltpetre out of the peas themselves?”

“That is where the difficulty comes in,” said the Idiot. “I frankly don’t know how we could insulate the peas from the effects of the saltpetre.”

“It would be deucedly awkward,” observed the Bibliomaniac, “if, as might very well happen, one or two of the peas should become so thoroughly impregnated with the stuff that they would explode in the mouth of the person who was eating them, like bombs in miniature.”

“True,” said the Idiot. “The only safeguard against that would be to compel the cook to test every pea before she cooked it. She could slam them down on the hearthstone like torpedoes, and everyone that didn’t go off could be cooked and served with safety. Still, there would be danger even then. A careless cook might forever ruin the tooth of a favored guest. I guess I’d better give up the idea.”

“Oh, don’t, pa!” cried Tommy, his interest in explosive vegetables worked up to a high pitch. “I’ll test ’em all for you, and if they work I don’t see why you couldn’t raise dynamite punkins!”

“It would be a strong temptation, my son,” said the Idiot, “which is all the more reason why I should abandon the plan. A dynamite punkin, as you call it, would wreck the whole neighborhood if one should set it off properly. No, we will, after all, confine our attention to vegetables of a more pacific nature. The others might prove more profitable at first, but when the novelty of them wore off, and one realized only their danger, a great deal of the pleasure one derives from eating fresh vegetables would be utterly destroyed.”

Tommy looked out over the railing of the piazza, deep regret and disappointment depicted in his brown little face; but if the glitter of his eyes meant anything it meant that the idea of putting vegetables on a war footing was not going to be allowed to drop into oblivion; and if the small youth progresses in inventive genius in a fair ratio to his past achievements in that line, I have no doubt that if a Vesuvian pumpkin can be produced at all, the day will dawn when Thomas is hailed as its inventor.

“Is it true,” asked Mr. Brief, “that home-raised peas are sweeter than any other?”

“We think so,” said Mrs. Idiot.

“We know so,” amended the Idiot. “That Fourth-of-July night when we ate those five podfuls we discovered that fact. Five podfuls of peas are not enough to feed a family of four on, so we mixed them in with a few more that we bought at the grocer’s, and we could tell ours from the others every time, they were so much sweeter.”

The Bibliomaniac laughed scornfully.

“Pooh!” said he. “How did you know that they were yours that were sweet, and not the grocery-bought peas?”

“How does a father know his own children?” said the Idiot. “If you’d labored over those five pods as hard and assiduously as we did, nursing them through their infant troubles, guarding them against locusts and potato-bugs, carefully watching their development from infancy into the full vigor of a mature peahood, I guess you’d know your own from those of others. It’s instinct, my dear Bibliomaniac.”

“Tell about the strawberry, pa,” said Tommy, who liked to hear his father talk, in which respect I fear he takes strongly after his parent.

“Well,” said the Idiot, “it’s not much of a story. There was one. We had a strawberry patch twenty feet by ten. We had plenty of straw and plenty of patch, but the berries were timid about appearing. The results were similar to those in our asparagus venture. One berry was discovered trying to hide itself under half a bale of straw one morning, and while I was looking for Mrs. Idiot, to ask her to come down to the garden and see it grow, a miserable robin came along and bit its whole interior out. I hope the bird enjoyed it, because on a bedrock estimate that berry cost twenty dollars. That is one of the things about gardening that make me especially weary. One doesn’t mind spending forty-four dollars on a stalk of asparagus that is eaten, even surreptitiously, by a member of one’s own family; but to pay twenty dollars for a strawberry to be wasted on a fifteen-cent robin is, to say the least, irritating.”

“You forget, John,” said Mrs. Idiot, with a somewhat mirthful look in her eyes, “that we got fifteen boxes out of the strawberry-patch later.”

“No, I don’t,” said the Idiot. “I was coming to that, and it involves a confession. You were so blue about the loss of our one beautiful berry that I entered into a conspiracy with Michael to make that patch yield. The fifteen boxes of berries that we took out subsequently were bought at a New York fruit-store and judiciously scattered about the patch where you would find them. I had hoped you would never find it out, but when you spoke the other day of expending thirty-eight dollars on that strawberry-patch next year, I resolved then to undeceive you. This is the first favorable opportunity I have had.”

Mrs. Idiot laughed heartily. “I knew it all along,” she said. “Michael came to me with them and asked for instructions as to where to put them. Really, I—ah—I arranged them under the straw myself.”

“What an ass a hired man can be!” ejaculated the Idiot. “I shall discharge Michael tomorrow.”

“I wish you would,” said Mrs. Idiot. “Ever since the conspiracy he has been entirely too independent.”

“Don’t discharge Michael, papa,” said Mollie. “He’s awful nice. He’s always willin’ to stop anything he’s doing to play with Tommy and me.”

“You bet he is!” cried Tommy. “He’s a dandy, Mike is. He never says a word when I sit under the sprinkler, and he told me the other day that his grandfather would have been king of Ireland if Queen Victoria hadn’t come in. He said the Queen was a lady, and his grandfather gave up his seat to her because he was a gentleman and couldn’t do anything else.”

“Very well,” said the Idiot, suavely. “Then I won’t discharge Michael. One feels a better American, a better Republican, if he has a royal personage in his employ. I always wondered where Michael got his imperious manner; now I know. As a descendant of a long line of kings it could not be otherwise. I will give him another chance. But let me give you all fair warning. If next summer Michael does not succeed in producing from my garden four beets, ten pods of peas, three string-beans, and less than ten thousand onions, he goes. I shall not pay a gardener forty dollars a month unless he can raise three dollars’ worth of vegetables a year.”

“But really,” said Mr. Pedagog, “haven’t you raised anything in your garden?”

“Oh yes,” said the Idiot. “I’ve raised my water bill in the garden. I used to pay twelve dollars a quarter for water, but now the bills come to at least twenty-five dollars. Truly, a garden is not without profit to someone.”

VII

HOUSEHOLD POETRY

“Yes,” said the Idiot, in response to an inquiry from the Poet, who was passing a Sunday with him at Castle Idiot, “I have found that there is a great deal of poetry in the apparently uninspiring little things of a household. There is to me as much poetry in a poker as there is in a snow-clad Alp, if you only have an eye to find it; and I am sure that to thousands of housewives the whole land over a sonnet to a clothespin, written by one who knows the clothespin’s nature intimately, would be far more appealing than a similar number of lines trying to prove that we are all miserable phantoms flitting across a morass of woe.”

The Poet pulled away thoughtfully at his pipe. He was a broad-minded poet, and while he had never owned a poker of his own, he was ready to admit its possibilities; but he could not follow his friend closely enough to admit that it contained as much that was inspiring as did Mont Blanc, for instance, a bright particular Alp of which he was very fond.

The Idiot continued:

“A ton of coal contains far more warmth than a woman’s eyebrow; sends the mind of a thoughtful person chasing backward to the time when it lay snugly hid in the fair breast of nature; to the joys and woes of the toilers who mined it; through a variety of complexities of life, every one of them fraught with noble thoughts. Yet who ever wrote dainty verses to a ton of coal, and who hasn’t at one time or another in his life written about the eyebrows of some woman?”

The Poet laughed this time. “A triolet to a ton of coal would be a glorious thing now, wouldn’t it?” he observed.

“No,” said the Idiot. “A triolet could never be a glorious thing under any circumstances; but to the extent that a ton of coal contains a certain amount of grandeur in the service it renders to mankind, I think the form would be ennobled somewhat by the substance. Let’s try it and see.”

“You do it,” said the Poet; “I really don’t think I could do the subject justice.”

The Idiot got out a pencil and a pad of paper and began.

“I don’t think I’ll make it a triolet,” he said, after biting the end of his pencil for a few moments. “A whole ton is a good deal to cram into a triolet. I’ll just make it a plain poem of the go-as-you-please variety instead, eh?”

“In the manner of Whitman, perhaps?” suggested the Poet, dryly.

“Just so,” said the Idiot. “In the manner of Whitman; in fact, I think the manner of Whitman is the only manner for the poetic description of a ton of coal.”

He began to scribble on the pad.

“I’m going to call this ‘Content,’” he said in a few moments. “Contentment strikes me as the main lesson a ton of coal teaches.”

He scribbled on, and in four or five minutes he put down his pencil and read the following lines:

“I’m glad I’m not as men are—

Always worrying about something, and often about nothing;

About what was and what wasn’t;

Fretting about what may be and what might have been;

Wondering whether when they are called upon to do their duty

They’ll be able to do it,
And generally deciding they won’t,
To their own discomfort.
And if so be they’re women,
Cogitating from morn till night,
From night till morn,
Wherewithal shall they be clothed,
And if their hats are on straight!
Yea!
I am glad I am not like one of these,
But am myself—

A ton of coal—jetty in my blackness and luminous in my bituminosity.

Lying here in the cellar content and not bothering a bit.

Not needing income or clothes, and wearing no hat, and with no complexion to bother about.

Happy and serene about my duty,

Certain that I shall succeed when the time for action comes;

Knowing that I shall burn,
And in the burning glow like the polar star.
Cackling and crackling,
Hissing and smoking,
Full of heat,
A satisfaction to mankind,
And never worth less than $5.65, delivered!
Ah, me! What bliss to be a ton of coal!
I am content.”

The Poet nodded his pleasure at the effort. “It is charmingly put,” he said. “I must confess, my dear Idiot, that the idea of contentment is the last one that I should ever have extracted from contemplation of a binful of anthracite, and yet when I consider how you put it I wonder it has not occurred to everyone. You have the manner of the Whitman parodist down fine, too.”

“Thank you,” said the Idiot. “It is entirely natural to me. I think, too, that using the Whitman lack of form carries with it the notion of the coal sliding down the chute, don’t you? Coal runs into the cellar in such an irresponsible, formless way, eh?”

“Precisely,” smiled the Poet. “You have the right notion about that. The form of a poem should really be adapted to the substance. It should be descriptive, always. Tennyson’s ‘Charge of the Light Brigade’ has in its rhythm nothing more or less than the clatter of the horses’ hoofs as they and their riders dashed through the valley of death at Balaklava. And how vividly Southey’s brook comes before the mind in its mad rush downward as one reads that wonderfully lyrical poem. Why don’t you write a book of household poetry? You seem to me to be eminently well qualified to undertake it.”

“I intend to,” said the Idiot. “In fact, I’ve begun it already. Written five or six. Like to see ’em?”

“Indeed I should,” said the Poet. “Anything you do interests me.”

The Idiot went to his desk and took from it a few pages of manuscript.

“Here is a thing on pokers I did the other night. I called it ‘The Song of the Poker Bold.’” And then he read these lines:

“Warder of the grate am I,
Ever standing near;
Poking, poking all day long,
Knowing naught of fear.

“Keeping coals up to their work,
Setting them aglow,
Minding not the scorching heat,
Rather like it so.

“Knocking ashes right and left,
Flirting with the tiles;
Bossing tongs and seeing that
The brazen kettle biles.

“And the little girls and boys
As they watch me pause,
Wishing that I’d talk and tell
’Bout old Santa Claus!

“Cracking jokes with crickets on
The merry hearth, elate;
Happy lot indeed is mine—
Warder of the grate!”

“Splendid!” cried the Poet, clapping his hands with enthusiasm. “Splendid! A good stiff pokeresque lyric, and your characterization of the poker as the ‘Warder of the Grate’ gives it a flavor of romance. You could almost imagine the implement going out into a medieval world in search of knightly adventure—a sort of hearth-stone Quixote. Have you tackled the clothespin yet?”

“Yes,” replied the Idiot. “Indeed, my first effort was a lyric on the clothespin. I started one night to do the contents of the kitchen-dresser drawer in French forms, but the first thing I took out was an eggbeater, and it wouldn’t go, so I did the clothespin lyric. I call it

FIDELITY

“Blow, ye winds,
I fear ye not;
Blast, ye simoon,
Sere and hot!

“Hurricane,
And cyclone, too,
Blow, I have no
Fear of you.

“Lacking beauty,
Lacking grace,
Lacking handsome
Form and face;

“Lacking soul
And intellect,
Still I stand up,
Proud, erect.

“For the Fates
Have given me
Wondrous great
Tenacity.

“And success,
Both fair and fine,
Comes to him
Who holds his line.

“Burrs can stick
And so can glue—
Mucilage,
Stratena, too;

“But there’s nothing
Holds so fast
As the clothespin
To the last.”

“And you gave up the eggbeater altogether?” asked the Poet, restraining a natural inclination to find flaws in the construction of the clothespin poem.

“Oh no,” said the Idiot, “I knocked off a little quatrain on that. I called it ‘The Speedy Eggbeater,’ and it goes like this:

“Great Maude S. can beat all steeds,
However speedy be their legs;
But I distance her with ease
When it comes to beating eggs.”

“I really think that you would have done better to give up the eggbeater,” said the Poet, grown critical. “I’ve no patience with one-rhymed quatrains. Now if you had written:

“Great Maude S. can beat all steeds,
However speedy be their legs;
But despite her doughty deeds;
I can beat her beating eggs,

“I should not have objected.”

“I accept the amendment,” replied the Idiot, meekly. “I realized the weakness of the thing myself, and thought of changing it into a couplet, where you only need one rhyme. How’s this on a ‘Carpet-Tack’?”

“However dull the day,
However dull the skies,
However dark the night may be,
My spirits ever rise.

“For though I’m but a carpet-tack,
Afar from moil and strife,
No one can ever truly say
That mine’s a pointless life.”

“That is very good,” said the Poet. “I think almost any editor of any comic paper would be willing to pay you three dollars for that. It is as good as your poem on a ton of coal—simple in its expression and sweet in sentiment.”

“I thought you’d think so,” said the Idiot. “It struck me so. I’ve got one on a screwdriver, too, that is very much of the same order, and conveys a moral lesson to the reader who is always reaching out after the unattainable. It reads as follows:

“I cannot tool a tally-ho,
I cannot drive a nag;
I dare not hold the ribbons
On a hack or rumbling drag.

“I could not guide the reins upon
A simple billy-goat,
And I should hesitate to try
To drive a can-al boat.

“But I don’t mind these things at all,
For I can drive a screw,
And I am happy, for that’s just
What I was meant to do.”

“The fourth line of the second verse is weak, but otherwise it’s good,” commented the Poet. “It’s not a can-al boat; it’s a can-al boat, and all the poetic license in the world wouldn’t excuse your taking such a liberty with language.”

“I appreciate that,” said the Idiot. “But I don’t see how I could get around it.”

“There’s only one way,” said the Poet. “I think if you omitted that verse altogether you’d improve the poem.”

“Then I should have to eliminate the billy-goat,” said the Idiot. “That takes a great deal of humor out of it. I always laugh when I encounter a beast like that in poetry; he seems so helpless when incarcerated in a poem.”

“That may be,” observed the Poet. “But it is my belief that the goat, of all animals in the kingdom, was the last one designed to be used in poetry, anyhow. He is bad enough in prose, and in this case will butt your poem to oblivion if you insist on keeping him in it. Any more?”

“No,” said the Idiot; “that’s the last.”

“Well, you’ve got a good start,” said the Poet, rising to light his pipe, which had gone out. “And if I were you I’d go on and finish the book. ‘The Idiot’s Book of Household Poetry’ would have a great sale. It has but one drawback that I can see. You harp on one string too much. Every one of your poems preaches contentment, satisfaction—nothing else.”

“That,” said the Idiot, “is not an objection, but a virtue; for what other lesson,” he added, with a glance of pride at his surroundings, “what other lesson, my dear Poet, should a home try to teach, and what other sentiment can mean so much to mankind?”

“I don’t know,” said the Poet, with a little sigh. “I haven’t ever had a home; I’ve always boarded.”

Whereupon the Idiot rose up from his chair, and putting his arm about his friend’s shoulder, said:

“How you do talk! Never had a home? Why, my dear fellow, what’s this? It’s yours as long as it’s mine!”

VIII

SOME CONSIDERATION OF THE HIRED MAN

“Who is that sitting down on your tennis-court, Mr. Idiot?” asked Mr. Brief, the lawyer. “Or is it anybody? I’ve been trying for the last half-hour to make out whether it’s a man or one of those iron figures with which some people decorate their lawns.”

“That,” replied the Idiot, calmly, “is my hired man. I pay him forty dollars a month to sit down there and let the grass grow under his feet. I heard you and Mr. Pedagog discussing the wonderful grassiness of my lawn after dinner last night, and I meant to have told you then that the credit thereof belongs entirely to the restful nature of that man’s soul. He will stand for hours rooted to one spot and looking with apparent aimlessness out over the river. To most people this would seem to be prompted by a sheer indisposition to work, but this would do him a rank injustice, for his immovability is due entirely to his system. He is letting the grass grow beneath him, and the fact that our grass is so nourishing everywhere is due to his having stood for hours at various times over every square inch of territory to which I hold the title-deeds.”

The Idiot gazed out of the window at his retainer with affectionate admiration.

“He certainly clings closely to his system,” said the lawyer.

“He is a model,” said the Idiot. “He has done more to make my life here easy than anyone in my service. For instance, you know the hurly-burly of existence in town. I go to my office in the morning, and whether I have much work or little to do, I come home in the afternoon absolutely worn out. The constant hustling and bustling of others in the city wears upon my mind, and consequently upon my body. The rush and roar of cables and electric-cars; the activity of messengers running to and fro in the streets; the weary horses dragging great lumbering wagons up and down the crowded thoroughfares, all affect my nature and impair my energy; and then, the day’s work done, I return here, where all is quiet and still, and the very contrast between that man, standing silently on his appointed spot, or leaning against the house, or lying off in sheer content under some tree, and the mad scramble for lucre in the city, invigorates my tired body until I feel that I could go out and mow three acres of grass before dinner; in fact, I generally do.”

“I did not know that a restful nature was a requisite of a successful career as a hired man,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“It is evident, then, that you have never had a hired man,” rejoined the Idiot. “Nor can you ever have studied the species at close range. Ceaseless activity would be his ruin. If he did today all there is to do, he would be out of employment tomorrow, consequently he never does today’s work today, and cultivates that leisurely attitude towards life upon which you have commented. Do you see that small beech-tree over there?” he added, pointing to a scrawny little sapling whose sole virtue appeared to be its rigid uprightness.

“Is that a beech-tree?” asked Mr. Brief. “I thought it was a garden stake.”

“It is a beech-tree,” said the Idiot. “I planted it myself last autumn, and while it has as yet borne no beeches, I think if we give it time, and it withstands the rigors of the climate, it will produce its fruit. But it was not of its possibilities as a beech-bearing tree that I intended to speak. I wanted to indicate to you by a material object the value of having a hired man who likes to lean against things. At the close of this last winter that tree, instead of being as erect as a grenadier, as it now is, was all askew. The strong westerly winds which are constantly blowing across that open stretch bent the thing until it seemed that the tree was bound to be deformed; but Mike overcame the difficulty. He would go out day after day and sit down beside it and lean against it for two and three hours at a time, with the result that the tendency to curve was overcome, and a tree that I feared was doomed to fail now bids fair to resemble a successful telegraph-pole in its uprightness. And, of course, the added warmth of his body pressing down upon the earth which covers its roots gave it an added impulse to grow.”

“It is a wonderful system,” smiled Mr. Brief. “I wonder it is not adopted everywhere.”

“It is, pretty much,” said the Idiot. “Most hired men do the same thing. I don’t think Mike differs radically from others of his kind. Of course, there are exceptions. My neighbor Jimpsonberry, for instance, has a man who is so infernally unrestful that he makes everybody tired. He is up every morning mowing Jimpsonberry’s lawn at five o’clock, waking up every sleepy soul within earshot with the incessant and disturbing clicking of his machine. Mike would never think of making such a nuisance of himself. Furthermore, Jimpsonberry’s lawn is kept so close-cropped that the grass doesn’t get any chance, and in the heat of midsummer turns to a dull brick-red.”

After a pause, during which the company seemed to be deeply cogitating the philosophical bearing of the subject under discussion, the Idiot resumed:

“There is another aspect of this matter,” he said, “which Jimpsonberry’s man brings to my mind. You know as well as I do that heat is contagious. If you feel as cool as a cucumber, and then all of a sudden see somebody who is dripping with perspiration and looking for all the world like a human kettle simmering on a kitchen-range, you begin to simmer yourself. It is mere sympathy, of course, but you simmer just the same, get uncomfortable and hot in the collar, and are shortly as badly off as the other fellow. So it is with Jimpsonberry’s man. Time and time again he has spoiled all my pleasure by making me realize by a glance at his red face and sweating arms how beastly hot it is, when before I had seen him I felt tolerably comfortable. Mike, on the other hand, is not so inconsiderate, and I am confident would let the grass grow a mile high before he would consent to interfere with my temperature by pushing the mower up and down the lawn on a humid day.”

“Do you keep this interesting specimen of still life all through the year?” asked Mr. Brief, “or do you give him a much-needed vacation in winter? I should think he would be worn out with all this standing around, for nothing that I know of is more tiresome than doing nothing.”

“No,” said the Idiot. “Mike never seems to need a vacation. Sitting down and leaning against things and standing around don’t seem to tire him in the least. It might tire you or me, but you see he’s used to it. The only effect it has on him, as I view the matter, is that it wears out his clothes. It doesn’t impair his lack of vigor at all. So by the simple act of occasionally renewing his wardrobe, which I do every time I discard a suit of my own, I revive his wasted vitality, and he does not require to be sent to Europe, or to take an extended tour in the White Mountains to recuperate. I keep him all through the winter, and his system is quite the same then as in summer, except that he does his sitting around and leaning indoors instead of in the open.”

“I suppose he looks after the furnace and keeps the walks clear of snow in winter time?” suggested Mr. Pedagog, who was beginning to take an interest in this marvelously restful personage.

“Yes,” said the Idiot; “and he attends to the windows as well. As a minder of the furnace he is invaluable. My house is as cool as a roof-garden all through the winter, and thanks to his unwillingness to over-exert himself shoveling coal into the furnace, I burn only about half as much as my neighbors, and my house is never overheated. This in itself is an indication of the virtue of Mike’s method. One-half of the colds contracted by children nowadays are the result of overheated houses. Mike’s method gives me a cool house at very moderate expense, owing to the great saving of coal, the children do not get colds because of overheating, and the expense of having a doctor every other day is averted. Then his snow-shoveling scheme goes back to the first principles of nature. Mike is not overawed by convention, and instead of following the steps of other men who shovel the snow entirely off, he shovels off a footpath to enable me to go to business, and then sits down and oversees the sun while it melts the balance. Sometimes, if the sun does not do the work promptly enough to suit him, he gets up little contests for the children. He divides up certain portions of the walk into equal parts, and starts the small boys on a race to see which one will get the portion assigned to him cleaned off first, the prize being something in the nature of an apple, which the cook orders from the market. I believe my son Thomas won ten apples last winter, although I am told that the Jimpsonberry boy, whose father’s man is cross, and insists on doing all the work himself, is the champion snow-shoveler of the street.”

“Yes, he is, pa,” put in Tommy. “Mike owes him ’leven apples. I only won eight.”

“Well, that is a very good record, Thomas,” said the Idiot, “and I will see to it that next winter you have a brand-new snow-shovel with which to enter the contest.”

“Mike lets us chop the kindling-wood, too,” said Tommy, suddenly perceiving a chance to put in a good word for the genial Mike. “I think he’s the nicest hired man as ever was.”

“He’ll stop anything he’s doing to talk to me,” ventured Mollie, not wishing to be backward in laying wreaths upon the brow of their friend.

“Yes, I have noticed that,” said the Idiot. “Indeed, next to his extreme restfulness there is no quality that I know of in Mike that shines out so conspicuously as his intense love for children. He will neglect his own interests, as Mollie has suggested, to talk to the little ones, and I rather like him for it. No boy dares go near the Jimpsonberry man, who has exerted himself into a perpetual state of nervous exhaustion.”

“Well, if he cleans your windows, that is something,” observed Mrs. Pedagog, whose experience in keeping a boarding-house years before entitled her to speak as one having authority.

“Unless his system is the same in that work as in the other branches committed to his care,” said Mr. Brief.

“It isn’t quite,” said the Idiot. “He really does exert himself in window-cleaning. I have frequently seen him spend a whole day on one window. His window-washing system is a very ingenious one, nevertheless.”

“It is, indeed,” said Mrs. Idiot, with a show of feeling.

“A new window-washing system?” grinned Mr. Pedagog.

“Yes,” said the Idiot. “It is his own invention. He washes them on the outside in summer and on the inside in winter. The result is this opalescent glass which you see. You would hardly guess that these windows are of French plate. Still, we don’t mind so much. I couldn’t ask him to wash them on the outside in winter, it is so dreadfully cold, and in the summer, of course, they are always open, and no one, unless he were disagreeable enough to go snooping about after unpleasant details, would notice that they are not immaculate.”

“And you pay this man forty dollars for this?” demanded Mr. Brief.

“Oh, for this and other things. I pay him two dollars a month for the work he does. I pay him ten dollars a month because he’s good to the children. I pay him ten dollars more for his civility, which is unvarying—he always puts his hat on when he comes into the house, having noticed, perhaps, that only those who are my social equals are entitled to appear bareheaded in my presence.”

“And the other eighteen?” persisted the lawyer, by nature a cross-examiner.

“Well, I don’t grudge him that because—” a sort of a fond light lit up the Idiot’s eyes as he gazed down upon Mike, still sitting on the tennis-court—“I don’t grudge him that other eighteen dollars because it costs Mike twenty dollars a month to live; and he uses the rest of it to put his boy through college, so that when he grows up to be a man he will be something more than a hired man.”

“Ah!” said Mr. Brief.

“Yes,” said the Idiot; “I found that out from a third party some time ago, and I thought after all I’d keep him, for I know nobody else would have him, and then what would become of the boy in college?”

IX

ON SOCIAL ACCOUNTS

“It’s rather strange, I think,” observed Mrs. Idiot one evening, as she and the Idiot sat down to dine, “that the Dawkinses haven’t been here for three or four months.”

“I’ve noticed it myself,” said the Idiot. “We used to see ’em every day about. What’s up? You and Polly Dawkins had a fight?”

“Not that I know of,” said Mrs. Idiot. “The last time we met she was very cordial, and asked most affectionately after you and the children. I presumed that possibly you and Dick had had some kind of a falling out.”

“Not a bit of it. Dick and I couldn’t quarrel any more than you and Polly could. Perhaps as we grow older our ideals differ. Polly’s rather anthropological in her talks, isn’t she?”

“A trifle,” said Mrs. Idiot. “And musical and literary and scientific.”

“While you?” queried the Idiot.

“Well, I’m fond of golf and—ah—well—”

“Golf again,” laughed the Idiot. “I guess that’s it, Bess. When a woman wants to talk about the origin of the species and has to hear about a splendid putt, and her observations upon the sonata are invariably interrupted by animadversions upon the morals of caddies, and her criticisms of Browning end in a discussion of the St. Andrew’s Rules, she’s apt to shy off into a more congenial atmosphere, don’t you think?”

“I am sure,” retorted Mrs. Idiot, “that while I admit I am more interested in golf than in anything else outside of you and the children, I can and do talk sometimes of other things than caddies, and beautiful drives, and stymies. You are very much mistaken if you think otherwise.”

“That is very true, my dear,” said the Idiot. “And nobody knows it better than I do. I’ve heard you talk charmingly about lots of things besides stymies, and foozles, and putts, and drives, but you don’t know anything about the men of the Stone Age, and you couldn’t tell the difference between a sonata and a fugue any more than I. Furthermore, you have no patience with Browning, so that when Polly Dawkins asks if you like Sordello, you are more likely than not to say that you never ate any, but on the whole for small fish prefer whitebait.”

Mrs. Idiot laughed.

“No, indeed,” she replied. “I’d fall back on golf if Polly mentioned Sordello to me. You may remember that you sent it to me when we were engaged, and I loved you so much—then—that I read it. If I hadn’t loved you I couldn’t have done it.”

“Well,” smiled the Idiot, “what did you think of it?”

“I think Browning had a good lie, but he foozled,” said Mrs. Idiot, with her eyes atwinkle, and the Idiot subsided for at least ten seconds.

“I wish you’d say that to Polly sometime,” he observed. “It’s so very true, and put with an originality which cannot but appeal to the most hardened of literary women.”

“I will if I ever get the chance,” said Mrs. Idiot.

“Suppose we make the chance?” suggested the Idiot. “Let’s go down there and call tonight. I’ll work the conversation up so that you can get that off as an impromptu.”

“No,” said Mrs. Idiot. “I don’t think we’d better. In the first place, Mrs. Whalker told me yesterday that Polly is to read a paper on Balzac before the S. F. M. E. tomorrow evening, and on Friday morning she is to discuss the ‘Influence of Mozart on De Koven’ before the Musical Mothers’ Meeting, and on Saturday afternoon she is going to have an anthropological tea at her house, which she is to open with some speculations as to whether in the Glacial Period dudes were addicted to the use of cigarettes.”

“Great Scott!” said the Idiot. “This is her busy week.”

“Tolerably so,” said Mrs. Idiot. “She has probably reserved this evening to read up on Balzac for tomorrow’s essay, so I think, my dear, we’d better not go.”

“Right as usual,” said the Idiot. And then he added, “Poor Dawkins, who is taking care of him now?”

“I think,” said Mrs. Idiot, “that possibly Mrs. Dawkins has sublet the contract for looking after her husband and children to the United States Housekeeping Company Limited.”

The Idiot gazed blankly at his wife, and awaited an explanation.

“An organization, my dear,” she continued, “formed by a number of well-meaning and remorseful widows who, having lost their husbands, begin to appreciate their virtues, and who, finding themselves sympathetic when it is too late, are devoting themselves to the husbands of others who are neglected. A subscription of five hundred dollars will secure the supervision of all the domestic arrangements of a home—marketing, engagement and discharge of domestics, housecleaning, buttons sewed on, darning done, care of flowers, wifely duties generally; for one thousand dollars they will bring up the children, and see that the baby is rocked to sleep every night, and suitably interested in elevating narratives and poems like Joseph’s coat of many colors, and Tom, Tom the Piper’s Son. This enables an advanced woman like Mrs. Dawkins to devote her mornings to the encyclopedias, her afternoons to the public libraries, and her evenings to the functions whereat she may read the papers which her devotion to the encyclopedias and the libraries has brought forth.”

“Excuse me, my dear Bess,” said the Idiot, rising. “I wish to telephone Dr. Simmons.”

“For what—for whom?” demanded the lady.

“You, of course,” returned the Idiot. “You are developing alarming symptoms. You give every indication of a bad attack of professional humor. Your ‘International Widows Company for the Protection and Amelioration of Neglected Husbandry’ proves that!”

Mrs. Idiot laughed again.

“Oh, I didn’t say that there really is such an institution!” she cried. “I said that I supposed there was, for if there isn’t, poor Dick Dawkins isn’t taken care of at all.”

“Well, I’m sorry for it all, anyhow,” said the Idiot, seriously. “They’re both of ’em good friends of ours, and I hate to see two families that have been so close drawing apart.”

Just then Mollie and Tommy came in.

“Mamma, Willie Dawkins says he can’t come to our party because his ma won’t let him,” said Mollie. “She says we don’t never go down there.”

“That’s it,” said the Idiot. “Mrs. Dawkins has got so many irons in the fire she’s begun to keep social books. I’ll bet you she’s got a ledger and a full set of double-entry account-books charging up calls payable and calls receivable.”

“I don’t see how she can get along unless she has,” replied Mrs. Idiot. “With all her clubs and church societies and varied social obligations she needs an expert accountant to keep track of them all.”

“I suppose a promise to read a paper on Balzac,” put in the Idiot, “is something like a three-months’ note. It’s easy to promise to pay, with three months in which to prepare, but you’ve got to keep track of the date and meet the obligation when it falls due. As for me, I’d rather meet the note.”

“That is about it,” said Mrs. Idiot. “If a woman goes into society properly she’s got to make a business of it. For instance, there are about ten dances given at the club here every year. Polly is patroness for every one of ’em. There are twenty-five teas during the spring and summer months. Polly assists at half of them, and gives a fifth of them. She’s president of the King’s Daughters, corresponding secretary of the Dorcas, treasurer of the Red Cross Society, and goodness knows what all!”

“I can quite understand why she needs to keep accounts—social accounts,” said the Idiot. “But it’s rather queer, don’t you think, that she has the children on her books? The idea of saying that Jimmie and Gladys can’t come to Mollie’s party because Mollie hasn’t been down there—why, it’s nonsense!”

“No,” said Mrs. Idiot, “it is merely logical. Whatever Polly Dawkins does she tries to do thoroughly. I’ve no doubt she’ll do Balzac up completely. If she keeps social books showing call balances in her favor or against herself she might as well go the whole thing and write the children in—only she’s made a mistake, as far as we are concerned, unless she means to write us off without squaring up.”

“You talk like a financier,” said the Idiot, admiringly. “What do you know about writing off?”

“I used to help my father with his accounts, occasionally,” said Mrs. Idiot. “Polly Dawkins’s books ought to show a balance of one call in our favor. That’s really the reason I’m not willing to call there tonight. She’s so queer about it all, and, as a matter of fact, she owes me a call. I’m not going to overwhelm her with an added obligation.”

“Ho!” smiled the Idiot. “You keep books yourself, eh?”

“I keep score,” said Mrs. Idiot. “I learned that playing golf.”

“It’s a bad thing to keep score in golf,” said the Idiot.

“So they say, but I find it amusing,” she replied.

“And how many calls does Mrs. Wilkins owe you?” demanded the Idiot.

“I don’t know,” returned the wife. “And I don’t care. When I want to see Mrs. Wilkins I call on her whether she owes me a call or not, but with Polly Dawkins it’s different. She began the bookkeeping, and as long as she likes it I must try to live up to her ideas. If social intercourse develops into a business, business requirements must be observed.”

“It’s a good idea in a way,” said the Idiot, reflectively. “But if you make a business of society, why don’t you carry it to a logical conclusion? Balance your books, if you mean business, every month, and send your debtors a statement of their account.”

“Well, I will if you wish me to,” said Mrs. Idiot. “Suppose they don’t pay?”

“Dun ’em,” said the Idiot. And then the matter dropped.

On the fifth of the following month Mr. and Mrs. Idiot were seated comfortably in their library. The children had gone to bed, and they were enjoying the bliss of a quiet evening at home, when the doorbell rang, and in a moment or two the maid ushered in Mr. and Mrs. Richard Dawkins, preceded, of course, by their cards. The young householders were delighted, and Polly Dawkins was never more charming. She looked well, and she talked well, and there was not a symptom of any diminution of the old-time friendship perceptible—only she did appear to be tired and care-worn.

The evening wore away pleasantly. The chat reverted to old times, and by degrees Mrs. Dawkins seemed to grow less tired.

About ten o’clock the Idiot invited his neighbor to adjourn to the smoking-room, where they each lit a cigar and indulged in a companionable glass.

“Idiot,” said Dawkins, when his wife called out to him that it was time to go home, “your wife is a wonder. I’ve been trying for three months to make Polly come up here and she wouldn’t. Keeps books, you know—now. Has to—so much to do. Thought you owed us a call, but received your bill Wednesday—looked it up—questioned servants—found you were right.”

“Bill,” cried the Idiot. “What bill?”

“Why, the one Mrs. Idiot sent—this,” said Dawkins, taking a piece of paper out of his pocket. “Confoundedly good joke.”

The Idiot took up the piece of paper. It was typewritten—on Tommy’s machine—and read as follows:

November 1, 1898

Mr. and Mrs. Richard Dawkins

TO Mr. and Mrs. Idiot DR.

September 29, … Evening call, … 1

Account overdue. Please remit.

“Great Scott!” laughed the Idiot.

“My dear,” said the Idiot after the Dawkinses had gone, “that bill of yours was a great idea.”

“It wasn’t my idea at all—it was yours,” said Mrs. Idiot, laughing. “You said we ought to be businesslike to the last and send out a statement on the first of the month. I sent it. And they paid up.”

“Richard,” said Mrs. Dawkins, as they drove home, “did you get a receipt?”

X

AS TO SANTA CLAUS

“I am very glad I didn’t take Tommy and Mollie to church with me this morning,” said Mrs. Idiot, on her return from service. “It would have broken their hearts to have heard the sermon. I don’t know what gets into Dr. Preachly sometimes. He gave us a blast about Santa Claus.”

“A blast about Santa Claus, eh!” said the Idiot. “And how did he blast the good old saint?”

“He said he was a lie,” rejoined Mrs. Idiot, indignantly, “and that it was the duty of every Christian in the land to see that the lie was exposed.”

“Great heavens!” cried the Idiot, in astonishment. “Doesn’t Dr. Preachly believe in Santa Claus? Poor old Preachly! How much he has lost! Did he say anything about Hop o’ My Thumb and Cinderella?”

“No, of course not. Why should he?” returned Mrs. Idiot.

“Oh, because; I suppose that a man who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus is a skeptic on the subject of Hop o’ My Thumb, and Rumpelstiltskin, and Cinderella, and Jack the Giant-Killer, and all the rest of that noble army of childhood friends,” explained the Idiot.

“He didn’t mention them,” said Mrs. Idiot. “He—”

“He’s going to preach a series of sermons on lies, I presume,” said the Idiot. “He’s tackled Santa Claus first, as being the most seasonable of the lot, eh? Jack the Giant-Killer ought to be a good subject for a ministerial attack.”

“Well, he pulled poor old Santa Claus to pieces,” said Mrs. Idiot, with a sigh.

“Why didn’t you bring me a piece of him as a souvenir?” demanded the Idiot. “Just a lock of his hair for my collection of curios? What was done with the remains?”

Mrs. Idiot laughed as she pulled over her gloves and smoothed them upon her lap.

“There weren’t any remains,” she answered. “When Dr. Preachly got through with him there wasn’t a vestige of the old chap left. To begin with, he was a lie, the doctor said. Then he went on and showed that he was a wickedly partial old fellow—a very snob, he called him—because he gives fine things to the children of the rich and little or nothing to the children of the poor. He filled the little folk with hope and brought them disappointment, and so on. It was a powerful sermon, although I wanted to weep over it.”

“Go ahead and weep,” said the Idiot; “it’s the appropriate thing to do. I don’t wonder you wanted to cry; you’ve always liked Dr. Preachly.”

“Of course,” said Mrs. Idiot.

“And you hate to see him make a—ah—a—well, you know—of himself in the pulpit; and I quite agree with you. I rather like Preachly myself. It is too bad to see a well-meaning man like that batting his brains out against the rock of Gibraltar, whether suicide is sin or not. What has put him in this despondent mood? Do you suppose he has heard?”

“Heard what?” demanded Mrs. Idiot.

“About the slippers,” said the Idiot.

“What slippers?” asked his wife.

“Oh, the same old slippers,” said the Idiot. “You know the ones I mean—the ones he’s going to get from Santa Claus. Really, I’m not surprised, after all. If I were a minister, and realized that truckloads of embroidered slippers of every size and color, covered with stags of red worsted jumping over rivulets of yellow floss, with split agates for eyes set in over the toe, were to be dumped in my front yard every Christmas Eve by that old reprobate, Santa Claus, I think I, too, would set him down as a fraud, or an overworked cobbler, anyhow.”

“That’s exaggerated—a comic-paper idea,” said Mrs. Idiot. “I don’t believe the average clergyman gets so many slippers. Dr. Preachly only got eight pairs last Christmas.”

“Is that all?” cried the Idiot. “Mercy, what a small income of slippers! Dear me! how can he live with only eight pairs of slippers? But, after all, slippers are an appropriate gift for a clergyman,” he added, “and Santa Claus should be credited with that fact. Slippers have soles, and the more slippers he gets the easier it is to save their soles, and therefore—”

“Really, my dear, you are flippant,” said Mrs. Idiot.

“Not at all,” rejoined the Idiot. “I am merely trying to sit on two stools at once—to retain my respect for Dr. Preachly without giving up my everlasting regard for Santa Claus. If I can’t do both I am very much afraid it will be Dr. Preachly, and not Santa Claus, who will go to the wall in this establishment, and that would be sad. I can’t say I think much of the doctor’s logic. Do you?”

“I didn’t notice his logic,” Mrs. Idiot replied.

“Very likely,” said the Idiot; “from what you tell me of his discourse I imagine he must have left it at home, which is a bad thing to do in an argument. To begin, he called Santa a lie, did he?”

“Yes; said he didn’t exist at all.”

“Good! Then how could he have been a snob?”

“Why, while of course I have no sympathy with his conclusions, Dr. Preachly handled that point pretty well. It certainly is true that in the homes of the rich there is a lavishness of gifts that you don’t find in the homes of the poor, and therefore Santa Claus treats the rich better than he does the poor. We all know that.”

“Hum!” said the Idiot. “And so it is Santa Claus who is the snob, eh, and not Fortune?”

“Well, Dr. Preachly did not touch upon that. All he said was that Santa Claus was a snob for favoring ‘high society’ and in many cases absolutely ignoring the submerged.”

“But I don’t see how,” said the Idiot.

“Suppose he brings a diamond necklace to the daughter of a Croesus?”

“Precisely,” said the Idiot.

“And a china doll to the daughter of a carpenter?” said Mrs. Idiot.

“That’s tact, not snobbishness,” said the Idiot. “What would the daughter of a carpenter do with a diamond necklace? The china doll is not only more appropriate, but a better plaything.”

“Well, anyhow, he gives richly to those that have, and sparsely, if at all, to those that haven’t, Dr. Preachly said,” said Mrs. Idiot.

“There is scriptural authority for that,” observed the Idiot. “I wonder if Dr. Preachly reads his Bible! Perhaps I’d better send him one for Christmas instead of a pair of galoshes. He’ll find in the Bible that ‘to him that hath shall be given,’ and so forth. But to return to the logic—”

“I told you I didn’t notice it,” said Mrs. Idiot.

“Nor did Dr. Preachly, my dear; passed it by as if it were a poor relation, apparently. But this is true, a lie is an untruth. Truth alone lives, therefore an untruth does not live. Santa Claus is a lie and does not live, and is a snob, according to our reverend logician. Now, how can one who does not live be a snob or anything else? Truly, I wish Dr. Preachly would be more careful in his statements. As a pew-holder in his church I do not like to hear him denounce something that does not exist as having unworthy qualities. It’s like shaking a sword at nothing and patting yourself on the back afterwards for your courage; still more in this instance is it like batting your poor mortal head against the hard surface of an everlasting rock, and our clergy should be in better business.

“Let ’em fight the harmful lies—the lies of false social ideas as propagated by distinctions of pew-holding, for instance. The man who sits in the front of the church is no better than the man who sits at the back, and is frequently his inferior; but has he more or has he less influence? The man who hands in his check for ten thousand dollars, having that and more to spare, is not more the friend of religion and Christianity than the poor beggar who stumbles in and puts his penny in the plate, thus diminishing by one-fifth his capital. Suppose Santa Claus is in a material sense a fancy or a lie; Heaven help Dr. Preachly if he can’t see the beauty and the ethical value of the deception. Is he not the embodiment of the golden rule, and is he not, after all—God bless him and them!—something beautiful in the eyes of the children?”

“I’m flippant, and I know it, but there are some things I cling to,” he added, after a pause. “Santa Claus is one of them, and Dr. Preachly can preach through all eternity, and, with all due respect to him, he can’t remove from my mind the beauty of an idea that was planted there by two people who were practical enough, my father and my mother. I’ve inherited Santa Claus, and I’m not going to give him up, and no preacher in our church or in the church of others can take him away from me by one sermon, or by an infinite number of sermons, however sincere they may be. Is dinner ready?”

Dinner was ready. It was eaten reflectively, and after it the children went to Sunday-school. From this Tommy returned with a swollen eye, which later became dark.

“Hullo, pop!” he said, addressing the Idiot as he entered the house.

“Hullo, sonny!” replied the Idiot, observing the swollen eye. “Had a good time?”

“Yep,” said the boy; “pretty good.”

“Been fighting?” suggested the Idiot.

“Not so very much,” said the boy; “only a little.” And he began to sing a popular air, as if he didn’t care much about life in general, and didn’t mind an aching eye, which was rapidly, by its inflammation, giving away the fact that he had met with trouble.

“What did you learn at Sunday-school?” asked the Idiot.

“More blessed to give than to receive,” said Tommy.

“Good!” said the Idiot. “I hope you will remember that, sonny. There is no satisfaction in all the world like that of giving if you can afford it.”

“I think tho, too,” said Mollie, sitting down on her father’s lap with the contented sigh of a little girl who has discovered that life is not all an illusion. “I gave my dolly away today, papa,” she added. “She wath only thawdust, and Pollie Harrington hath her now. She was a drefful care, and I’m glad to be ridden of her.”

But the Idiot’s mind was not on dolls, and he showed it. His boy’s eye proved a greater care.

“Come here, my boy,” he said.

The boy approached inquiringly.

“How did this happen?” the Idiot asked. “Your eye is swollen.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” cried Tommy, exultantly. “Jimmie Roberts said there wasn’t no Santy Claus.”

“Well?”

“I said there was, an’ then I gave him one on the end of his nose.”

Here the boy struggled away from his father, as if he had done something he was willing to stand by.

“Let me understand this,” said the Idiot. “Jimmie said—”

“There wasn’t any Santy Claus,” interrupted Tommy.

“Then what did you say?” asked the Idiot.

“I told him he didn’t know what he was talking about,” said Tommy.

“Why did you say that?”

“Because he was wrong, papa,” said Tommy. “I’ve seen Santy Claus; I saw him last year.”

“Ah! You did, eh? I was not aware of that fact.”

Tommy began to laugh.

“You can’t fool me, daddy,” he said, climbing onto his father’s knee. “Of course I’ve seen him, and he’s the bulliest feller in all the world. You’re him!”

And a hug followed.

Later on Mrs. Idiot and the Idiot sat together. The latter was deep in thought.

“Children have queer notions,” said he, after a while.

“They are generally pretty right, though,” observed Mrs. Idiot. “You are a pretty good Santa Claus, after all,” she added.

“Pollie,” said the Idiot, rising, “I believe in Santa Claus because he represents the spirit of the hour, and whoever tries to turn him down tries to turn down that spirit—the most blessed thing we have. Let’s keep the children believing in Santa Claus, eh?”

“I agree,” said Mrs. Idiot. “For the secret is out. You are Santa Claus to them.”

“Heaven grant I may always be as much,” said the Idiot. “For if a father is Santa Claus, and a boy or a girl believes in Santa Claus as a friend, as a companion, as something that brings them only sincerity and love and sympathy, then may we feel that Tiny Tim’s prayer has been answered, and that God has blessed us all.”

XI

AS TO NEW-YEAR’S DAY

It was New-Year’s eve, and Mr. and Mrs. Idiot with their old friends were watching the old year die. The old year had been a fairly successful one for them all, and they were properly mournful over its prospective demise, but the promise of the new was sufficiently bright to mitigate their sorrow.

“What a sandwich life is, after all!” ejaculated the Idiot.

Mr. Pedagog started nervously. The remark was so idiotic that even its source seemed to make it inexcusable.

“I don’t quite catch your drift,” said he.

“As the man said when an avalanche of snow fell off his neighbor’s roof and missed him by an inch,” said the Idiot. “Why, just think a moment, Doctor, and my drift will overwhelm you. Look about you and consider what we have ourselves demonstrated tonight. If that does not prove life a series of emotional sandwiches, then I don’t know what a sandwich is. Twenty minutes ago we were all gladness over the prosperity of the year gone by. Five minutes ago we were all on the verge of tears because the good old year is going the way of all years. An hour from now we will be joyously acclaiming the new. Two thick slices of joy with a thin slice of grief between.”

“Ah!” said Mr. Pedagog. “I see. There is something in the analogy, after all. The bread of joy and the ham of sorrow, as you might put it; do make up the sum of human existence; but in some cases, my lad, I am afraid you will find there is only one slice of bread to two of ham.”

“No doubt,” replied the Idiot, “but that does not affect my proposition that life is a sandwich. If one slice of ham between two slices of bread is a ham sandwich, why is not one slice of bread between two slices of ham a bread sandwich? What is a sandwich, anyhow? The dictionary says that a sandwich is something placed between two other things; hence, all things are sandwiches, because there is nothing in the world, the world being round, that is not between two other things. Therefore, all things being sandwiches, life is a sandwich, Q.E.D.”

“Is life a thing?” demanded Mr. Pedagog.

“Certainly,” said the Idiot. “And a mighty good thing, too. If you don’t believe it look the word thing up in the dictionary. All things are things.”

“But,” continued the Schoolmaster, his old spirit of antagonism rising up in his breast, “granted that life is a thing, what is it between so that it becomes a sandwich?”

“The past and the future,” said the Idiot. “It is a slice of the immediate between a slice of past and one of future.”

Mr. Pedagog laughed.

“You are still the same old Idiot,” he said.

“Yes,” said the Idiot. “Gibraltar and I and Truth are the three unchangeable things in this life, and that’s why I am so happy. I’m in such good company. Gibraltar and Truth are good enough companions for anybody.”

Meanwhile Mollie and Tommy, who had been allowed to sit up upon this rare occasion, stirred uneasily.

“Ith I a thandwich, popper?” said the little girl, sleepily, raising her head from her father’s shoulder and gazing into his eyes.

“Yes, indeed, you are,” said her father, giving her an affectionate squeeze. “A sugar sandwich, Mollie. You’re really good enough to eat.”

“Well, I’d rather be a pie,” put in Tommy; “an apple pie.”

“Very well, my son,” returned the Idiot. “Have your own way. Henceforth be a pie if you prefer—an apple pie. But may I ask why you express this preference?”

“Oh, because,” said Tommy, “if I’m to be an apple pie somebody’s got to fill me chock-full of apple sauce.”

“The son of his father,” observed Mr. Whitechoker.

“I think it is a pity,” Mrs. Pedagog put in at this point, “that some of the good old customs of the New Year have gone out.”

“As to which, Mrs. Pedagog?” asked the Idiot.

“Well, New-Year’s calling particularly,” explained the lady. “It is no longer the thing for people to make New-Year’s calls, and I must confess I regret it. It used to be a great pleasure to me in the old days to receive the gentlemen—my old friends, and relatives, and boarders.”

“Why distinguish between your old friends and your boarders, Mrs. Pedagog?” interrupted the Idiot. “They are synonymous terms.”

“They are now,” said the good lady, “but—ah—they weren’t always. I used sometimes to think you, for instance, didn’t like me as much as you might.”

“I didn’t dare,” explained the Idiot. “If I’d liked you as much as I might I’d have told you so, and then Mr. Pedagog would have got jealous and there’d have been a horrid affair.”

The lady smiled graciously, and Mr. Pedagog threw a small paper pellet at the Idiot.

“I’m much obliged to you for holding off, Idiot,” he said. “I don’t know where I’d have been today if you’d got in ahead of me. Mrs. Pedagog has always had a soft spot in her heart for you.”

“I’ve got the other spot,” said the Idiot, “and a pair of aces are hard to beat in pairs; but I think I voice Mrs. Pedagog’s sentiments in the matter, Mr. Pedagog, when I say that she and I would always have been glad to see you every other New-Year’s day if I had been the fortunate winner of her hand.”

“And Mr. Pedagog and I would have been glad to see you and Mrs. Pedagog in the sandwich years,” said Mrs. Idiot to her husband; and then, turning to the Schoolmaster, added, “Wouldn’t we, Mr. Pedagog?”

“No, madame,” returned Mr. Pedagog, courteously. “You might have been, but I would not. If I had married you I could never have seen anyone else with pleasure. I should have kept my eyes solely for you.”

“John!” cried Mrs. Pedagog, arching her eyebrows.

“Pleasantry, my dear—mere pleasantry,” returned the Schoolmaster, tapping his fingers together and smiling sweetly upon Mrs. Idiot.

“You didn’t finish, Mrs. Pedagog,” said the Idiot. “You were telling us how you used to enjoy New-Year’s calling before it went out.”

“Yes,” replied Mrs. Pedagog. “It was charming. I used positively to look forward to its coming with delight. We women, Mr. Idiot, found the old custom very delightful.”

“But the men, Mrs. Pedagog,” said the Idiot, “did you ever think of them?”

“What else did we think of? What else is there for a woman to think about?” replied Mrs. Pedagog.

“Jane!” cried Mr. Pedagog.

“Pleasantry, my dear—mere pleasantry,” returned Mrs. Pedagog, frigidly. And Mr. Pedagog lit a cigar. It is not always pleasant to be quoted.

“Still,” said the Idiot, “you thought of men only as creatures of the moment—”

“Entirely,” said Mrs. Pedagog.

“And not as creatures of the week following,” said the Idiot.

“What has that to do with it?” asked Mrs. Pedagog.

“Much—from the man’s stand-point,” returned the Idiot. “His digestion was butchered to make a woman’s holiday. Take myself as an example. I used to make New-Year’s calls; and to get through with my list by midnight, I had to start in at nine o’clock in the morning.”

“Nine o’clock is not so early,” said Mr. Whitechoker.

“It’s early for cake and pickled oysters,” said the Idiot. “And for chicken salad and wedding-cake, and for lemonade and punch, and for lobster and eggnog, and for ice-cream and pâté de foie gras.”

“H’m!” said Mr. Pedagog, reflectively. “That’s true.”

“Quite so,” observed Mr. Whitechoker, brushing off his vest, upon which the ashes of his cigar had rested. “Especially for the punch.”

“There was no punch in my house,” said Mrs. Pedagog. “Indeed, I always served a very simple luncheon. We did have chicken salad, of course, but the chicken was good and the salad was crisp—”

“I’d swear to it,” said the Idiot.

“And we had eggnog, but there was more egg than nog in it—”

“Again I’d swear to it,” said the Idiot, smacking his lips.

“And as for the lobsters, nobody ever complained—”

“He’d have been a lobster himself who would,” said the Idiot. “But that does not prove that no one ever suffered.”

“And as for the pickled oysters, no one ever suffered from them that I knew of,” continued the good lady. “They are harmless eaten in moderation.”

“Exactly right,” cried the Idiot. “No gentleman would ever complain of pickled oysters, even if they were made of inferior rubber, eaten in moderation. Yet I recall in my own experience a pickled oyster of most impressive quality. He was not a pickled oyster of the moment. He was the Admiral Dewey of pickled oysters. In appearance he resembled every other pickled oyster I ever met, but—well, he kept me in a state of worry for a month. Just eating him alone was eating pickled oysters in immoderation. I felt as if I had swallowed an overshoe. He was a charming pickled oyster, Mrs. Pedagog, and he was devoted to me, but he involved me in complications alongside of which the Philippine question is child’s play. If a New-Year’s caller could have confined his attentions to the ladies he met no harm would have come to him, but he couldn’t, you know. The day was one continuous round of effort and indigestibles. What a man got at your house and had to eat merely to show his appreciation of your hospitality was all right and wholesome. Your lobster and eggnog could do him no harm, but he couldn’t stop with yours; he had to continue, and consume lobsters and eggnog everywhere else and all day long. The day resolved itself into a magnificent gorge alongside of which that of Niagara seems like a wagon-rut. It finally came down to the point where either man or the custom had to die, and man being selfish, the custom went. Did you ever consider exactly how much indigestible food an amiable, well-meaning person had to consume in a round of, say, three dozen calls, Mrs. Pedagog?”

Mr. Brief nodded his approval. “Now you’ve struck it,” he said. “I’ve been there, Idiot.”

“I must confess,” said Mrs. Pedagog, “that I never looked into that question.”

“Well, I’ll tell you,” the Idiot resumed. “The last time I made New-Year’s calls I figured it out for the doctor the next morning, and as I recall the statistics, in the course of that day I ate one hundred and twenty-nine pickled oysters, thirteen plates of chicken salad, seven plates of lobster salad, five plates of mulled sardines, twenty-three plates of ice-cream, four hundred and sixty-three macaroons, eighty-seven sandwiches ranging from lettuce and ham to chicken and potted goose-liver, enough angel-cake to feed all the angels there are and two more, sixteen Welsh rarebits that were being made just as I happened in, and crystallized ginger and salted almonds and marrons to the extent of about eighteen pounds.”

“Mercy!” cried Mrs. Pedagog.

“Say, pa, where was I then?” asked Tommy, his eyes glittering with delight.

“You were eating green cheese on the moon, Tommy,” said the Idiot.

“Wisht I’d been with you,” said Tommy. “Must o’ been better than bein’ a pie.”

“And all of these things,” continued the Idiot, with a wink at his son, “I washed down with six gallons of lemonade, nineteen cups of coffee, eighteen cups of tea, and a taste of claret punch.”

“And how about the eggnog?” asked the Bibliomaniac, slyly.

“I judge there were about six crates of eggs in it,” said the Idiot. “I never had the nerve to estimate the nog-end of it.”

“What did the doctor say when you told him all that?” asked Mrs. Pedagog.

The Idiot chuckled. “What did he say?” he cried. “Why, I should think you could guess. He blamed it all on the Welsh rarebits, but he thought he could get me into shape again in time for the next New Year. I’ve never been the same man since.”

“Well, the way I look at it,” said Mrs. Pedagog, “is that it is a great pity that women must be deprived of a function that gives them pleasure because the men make pigs of themselves.”

“But you don’t understand, Mrs. Pedagog,” the Idiot persisted. “I grant you that the man who eats all that makes a pig of himself, but he has no choice. He can’t help himself. When a charming hostess insists, he’d be a greater pig if he refused to partake of her hospitality. The custom involved an inevitable sacrifice of man’s digestion upon the altar of woman. That’s all there was about it. If it could have been arranged so that a man could take a hamper about with him and stow all the cakes and salads and other good things away in that, and eat them later as he happened to need or want them, instead of in his own inner self, the good old custom might have been preserved, but that is impossible in these conventional days.”

“You needn’t have eaten it all,” put in Mrs. Idiot. “You could have pretended to eat it and put it down somewhere.”

“I know that, my dear. I didn’t even on that occasion eat it all—I only ate what I told you. I found eight sandwiches and a pint of salted almonds in my coat-tail pocket the next morning, which I managed surreptitiously to hide away while my hostesses were getting me something else, and in one place, while nobody was watching me, I hid a half-dozen pickled oysters under a sofa, where I suppose they were found some days later when the room was put in order.”

As the Idiot spoke the clock struck twelve, and the guests all rose up.

“Here’s to the New Year!” said Mr. Pedagog.

“Not yet,” interposed the Idiot. “That’s only a signal for the Welsh rarebits to be brought in. I’ve sworn them off for the New Year, but I haven’t for the old. The clock is a half-hour fast.”

“No, my dear,” said Mrs. Idiot. “It was, but I put it back. It’s exactly right now.”

“Then,” said the Idiot, “I join you in the toast, Mr. Pedagog. Here’s to the New Year: may it bring joy to everybody. Meanwhile may it bring also the Welsh rarebits.”

“I thought you’d sworn off,” suggested Mr. Pedagog.

“So I had,” replied the Idiot, “but circumstances over which I have no control force me to postpone my reformation for another twelve months. If they had been served at half-past eleven I should have stuck to my resolve; as they have been delayed until twelve-one I cannot do less than eat them. I do not believe in willful waste; and besides, it is quite as much the duty of the host to consume the good things he places before his guests as it is for the guests to partake. I can wait a year, I think, without wholly ruining what little digestion my former devotion to New-Year’s calling has left me. Gentlemen, I propose the ladies: May their future be as golden as this rarebit; and for the men, may they always be worthy to be the toast upon which that golden future may rest with the certainty born of confidence.”

And the guests fell to and ate each a golden buck to the New Year—all save Mollie and Tommy. These two important members of the household went up to their little beds, but just before going to sleep Tommy called through the door to his little sister:

“Mollie!”

“Yeth!”

“Want to play a game with me tomorrow?”

“Yeth!”

“Well, you get a cake and a pie and some gingersnaps and a lot of apples and some candy and we’ll play New-Year’s calls.”

“Splendid!” lisped Mollie. “You’ll call on me?”

“Yes,” said Tommy; “and all you’ll have to do will be to force food on me.”

And they soon passed into the land of dreams.

XII

SOME DOMESTIC INVENTIONS

“I think I’ll give up the business of broking and go into inventing,” said the Idiot one Sunday morning, as he and Mrs. Idiot and their friends sat down at breakfast. “There’s not much money in stocks, but the successful inventor of a patent clothespin makes a fortune.”

“I’d think twice about that before acting,” observed Mr. Brief. “There may not be much money in stocks, but you can work eight hours a day, and get good pay in a broker’s office, while the inventor has to wait upon inspiration.”

“True enough,” said the Idiot; “but waiting on inspiration isn’t a bad business in itself. You can play golf or read a rattling good novel, or go to a yacht-race while you wait.”

“But where does the money come in?” asked Mr. Pedagog, his usual caution coming to the fore.

“Inspiration brings it with her,” said the Idiot, “and by the barrel, too. What’s the use of toiling eight hours a day for fifty weeks in a year for three thousand dollars when by waiting on inspiration in a pleasant way you make a million all of a sudden?”

“Well,” said Mr. Pedagog, indulgently, “if you have the inspiration lassoed, as you might say, your argument is all right; but if you are merely going to sit down and wait for it to ring you up on the telephone, and ask you when and where you wish your barrels of gold delivered, I think it will be your creditors, and not fortune, who will be found knocking at your door. How are you going about this business, provided you do retire from Wall Street?”

“Choose my field and work it,” replied the Idiot. “For the present I should choose the home. That is the field I am most interested in just now. I should study its necessities, and endeavor to meet whatever these might demand with an adequate supply. Any man who stays around home all day will find lots of room for the employment of his talents along inventive lines.”

“You’ve tried it, have you?” asked Mr. Brief.

“Certainly I have,” said the Idiot, “though I haven’t invented anything yet. Why, only last week I stayed home on Monday—washday—and a thousand things that might be invented suggested themselves to me.”

“As, for instance?” asked Mrs. Idiot, who was anxious to know of any possible thing that could mitigate the horrors of washday.

“Well, it wouldn’t help you much, my dear,” said the Idiot, “but the wash-lady would hail with unmixed delight a substitute for her mouth to hold clothespins in while she is hanging out the clothes. I watched Ellen in the yard for ten minutes that day, and it was pathetic. There she was, standing on her tiptoes, hanging innumerable garments on the line, her mouth full of clothespins, and Jimpsonberry’s hired man leaning over the fence trying to shout sweet nothings in her ear. If she had had a nice little basket-hat on her head to hold the pins in she could have answered back without stopping her work every other minute to take them out of her mouth in order to retort to his honeyed sentiments.”

Mrs. Idiot laughed. “Ellen finds time enough to talk and do the washing, too,” she said. “I sometimes think she does more talking than washing.”

“No doubt of it; she’s only human, like the rest of us,” said the Idiot. “But she might save time to do something else for us if she could do the washing and the talking at the same time. She may give up the washing, but she’ll never give up the talking. Therefore, why not make the talking easier?”

“What you need most, I think,” put in Mr. Brief, “is an instrument to keep hired men from leaning over the fence and distracting the attention of the laundress from her work. That would be a great boon.”

“Not unless idleness is a great boon,” retorted the Idiot. “Half the hired men I know would be utterly out of employment if they couldn’t lean over a fence and talk to somebody. Leaning over a fence and talking to somebody forms seventy-five percent of the hired man’s daily labor. He seems to think that is what he is paid for. Still, anyone who objects could very easily remedy the conversational detail in so far as it goes on over the fence.”

“By the use of barbed wire, I presume,” suggested Mr. Pedagog.

“By something far more subtle and delicately suggestive,” rejoined the Idiot. “Hired men do not mind barbed-wire fences. They rather like them when they annoy other people. When they annoy themselves they know how to treat them. My own man Mike, for instance, minds them not at all. Indeed, he has taken my pruning-shears and clipped all the barbs off the small stretch of it we had at the rear end of our lot to keep him from climbing over for a shortcut home.”

“With what result?” asked Mr. Brief.

“With the result that I had to buy a new pair of pruning-shears,” said the Idiot. “My Anti-Over-the-Fence-Gabber,” he continued, “would involve certain complex details, but it would work. I should have an electric battery connected with the upper cable of the fence, and an operator stationed inside of the house, close to a key which would send some six hundred or seven hundred volts through the cable whenever needed. Then if I felt that Jimpsonberry’s man was interfering with my laundress, as soon as he leaned over the fence I’d have the operator send him an electric notice to quit.”

“A message?” said Mr. Pedagog.

“No, a plain shock. Two hundred volts as a starter, three hundred as a reminder, and the full seven hundred if necessary to make the hint plainer.”

“That would be cruel,” observed Mrs. Pedagog.

“Not wholly,” said the Idiot. “It would be an advantage to the man himself in one way. Hired men have too little electricity in their systems, Mrs. Pedagog. If Jimpsonberry’s man, for instance, would take all the electricity I’d give him and apply it to his work, Jimpsonberry’s unpulled dandelions would not be such a constant menace to my lawn. I compel Mike to weed out my lawn every spring and autumn, but Jimpsonberry doesn’t attend to his at all. He doesn’t sleep on it, and so doesn’t bother about it. Consequently, when his dandelions go to seed the seed is blown over into my grass, and every year I get an uninvited crop, which at a dollar a thousand would make me a millionaire.”

“Why don’t you apply your inventive genius to the discovery of a seedless dandelion?” asked the Lawyer. “It seems to me that would be the best solution of the dandelion problem.”

“Because Jimpsonberry wouldn’t have ’em if I discovered ’em,” said the Idiot. “I judge from the millions he raises every year that he is satisfied with dandelions as they are. He’s got enough for himself, and never makes any charge for those he gives to his neighbors.”

“I think a furnace-feeder would be a good thing, too,” the Idiot continued, in a moment. “My furnace is a chronic sufferer from indigestion because on some days it is gorged with coal and on others with ashes. Seems to me if I could get a month’s time in which to concentrate my attention upon a furnace-feeder, I could devise some kind of a contraption that would invoke the enthusiastic love of the suburban resident in Arctic latitudes the world over.”

“I have often thought of that possibility myself,” observed Mr. Pedagog, his eyes fondly resting upon a steaming plate of griddle-cakes that had just been brought in. “But coal is a rebellious quantity. A furnace-feeder would need to be delicately adjusted, and coal cannot be handled with delicacy. It requires a chute rather than a tube. It must be manipulated with the shovel, not the sugar-tongs.”

“Correct,” said the Idiot. “Therefore, you would experiment on a chute or a shovel, abandoning all idea of refining the coal. I, on the other hand, would experiment with the coal itself, Mr. Pedagog. Why not liquefy it, and let it drop automatically into the furnace through a self-acting spigot?”

“Liquefy coal?” asked Mr. Pedagog.

“Certainly,” replied the Idiot. “We liquefy pretty nearly everything else. If liquid air, why not liquid coal? Everything we have in nature in these days apparently can be liquefied, and while I am not familiar with the process, I see no reason why a ton of coal should not be reduced to such a shape that it can be bottled. Once bottled and provided with an automatic dropper, it could easily be adjusted so as to flow in proper quantities into the furnace at proper intervals.”

“It would be very expensive. Do you know what a pint of liquid air costs?” demanded the Doctor.

“No,” said the Idiot. “I neither breathe nor drink it. The plain old stuff is good enough for me, and cheap if you don’t have to go to the mountains or the seashore to get your supply.”

“Granting coal could be liquefied,” the Doctor assented, “I venture to say that a ton of it would cost as much as five hundred dollars.”

“I’ve no doubt it would,” said the Idiot; “but I could afford a ton of coal at five hundred dollars if my scheme worked. A successful invention would make bread seem cheap at ten dollars a loaf. There’s another thing I should put my mind on, and that is a method of cooking a cauliflower so that everybody in the house, as well as the neighbors, should not know that you are doing so,” he continued. “I am particularly fond of cauliflower, but it is undeniable that in the process of cooking it becomes obtrusive, almost to the point of ostentation. I’ve spoken about it many times. Mike, the gardener, to whom I’ve spoken on the subject, thinks the cauliflower itself, if sprinkled with eau de cologne while growing, would cease to be obnoxious in the cooking; but that is too expensive a process. It would take a dozen cases of eau de cologne to bring a single cauliflower to maturity. My son, Tommy, has stated that he thinks it might be boiled in Florida-water instead of in the simple variety that comes from the pipes. A good suggestion for a small boy, but also expensive. Hired men and small boys do not think of the exchequer of the principal in their plans. They don’t have to. Their allowance and wages are usually all velvet—an elegant vulgarism for surplus—and for my own part I have constantly to veto their little schemes for the betterment of my condition in order to have any condition at all left. But as far as the arrangement of an odorless cauliflower-cooker is concerned, it is as simple as A B C, barring one or two complications.”

“I wish you’d hurry up and invent it,” cried Mrs. Idiot, with enthusiasm. “What are the main features of this simple contrivance?”

“I’d have a boiler, in the first place, in which to boil the animal,” said the Idiot. “When the water was ready I’d clap the creature into it, and before it had time to remonstrate I’d fasten a hermetically sealed cover over the top.”

“But when you took it off the results would still be overpowering,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“No, my dear sir,” said the Idiot, “for the simple reason that I should affix a cold-air box and a flue to the hermetically sealed boiler. Through the cold-air box fresh air would constantly flow into the boiler. Through the flue all the aromatic drawbacks of the cauliflower would be carried off through the chimney into the upper air. Anybody who wished to know whether we were going to have cauliflower for dinner or not would have to climb up to the roof and sniff at the chimney-top to find out.”

“It is simple, isn’t it, Mrs. Idiot?” Mrs. Pedagog said.

“Very,” replied Mrs. Idiot. “Indeed, it seems so extremely simple that I should like to know where the complications lie.”

“Where all the complications in cooking lie, my dear,” said the Idiot, “in the cook. The chief complication would lie in getting a cook who could, or if she could, would, use the thing intelligently.”

“I don’t see,” said Mr. Brief, dryly—“I don’t see but that what you ought to devote your time to, my dear Idiot, is the invention of an intelligent cook.”

“Humph!” laughed the Idiot. “I may be an idiot, Mr. Brief, but I’m not an ass. There are some things that man may reasonably hope to accomplish—such as setting fire to the Hudson River, or growing butternuts on the summit of Mont Blanc—but as for trying to invent an intelligent cook who would stay in the country for more than two weeks for less than ten thousand dollars a year, that, sir, is beyond all the conceptions of the human mind.”

“Ain’t Bridget intelligent, pa?” asked Tommy.

Here was a complication, for Tommy liked to retail to Bridget the gossip of the day, and especially what “pa said.”

“H’m—ah—oh yes, indeed, she is, Tommy,” the Idiot replied, with some embarrassment. “Very; she’s been with us three months.”

“How much do you pay her, pa?” asked the boy.

“Well,” said the Idiot, “not more than fifteen hundred dollars a month. Just take another griddle-cake, my son, and remember that there are some things little boys should not talk about.”

“Like tumpany’s bald heads?” lisped Mollie, complacently, her eye fixed upon Mr. Pedagog’s shining dome.

“Precisely,” observed Mr. Pedagog, appreciating the situation.

And while everybody else laughed the Idiot looked upon his children with a sternly affectionate face.

“My dear,” said he to Mrs. Idiot, “I think it is time the babies got ready for Sunday-school.”

XIII

A SUBURBAN COMPLICATION

“Well, old chap,” said the Poet some weeks later, when he happened to be spending the night off in the suburbs with his old friend, “how goes the noble art of inventing? Has your horseless cauliflower bloomed as yet?”

“Horseless cauliflower is good, but tautological,” said the Idiot. “The cauliflower is an automobile in itself, without the intervention of man. Who told you I was inventing instead of broking these days?”

“Mr. Pedagog said something about it the last time I met him,” said the Poet. “He’s a mighty good friend of yours. He says you are the most perfect Idiot he ever met.”

“He’s a bully good fellow,” said the Idiot, affectionately. “You know I used to think Pedagog wasn’t of any earthly use except to teach people things, but as I look back upon my experience with him he has never taught me anything that was worth forgetting. So he told you I was going into invention, did he?”

“Yes; and he said he thought you were going about it in the right way,” rejoined the Poet. “You weren’t spending ten thousand dollars to get a four-dollar invention on the market, he said, but were inventing things that you knew at the outset weren’t worth risking your money on.”

The Idiot smiled broadly.

“He said that, did he? Well, he doesn’t know what he is talking about,” he retorted. “I am spending money on my inventions. I have already invested fifty cents in my patent Clothes-Pin-Holding Laundry-Bonnet, and I have strung the wires along my fence to be used in my electric Hired-Man-Discourager; and when I have managed to save up a few dollars more I’m going to get a battery to attach to it, when woe betide that man of Jimpsonberry’s if he tries to talk to Maria while she is at work! Furthermore, I have extended the operations of that same useful invention so that it will meet a long-felt want in all suburban communities as a discourager of promiscuous wooing. You never lived in the country, did you?”

“Not permanently,” said the Poet.

“Then you are not aware of a singular habit the young country swain has of courting his best girl on some other fellow’s stone wall after the sun goes down,” said the Idiot. “Some balmy evening next spring, if you’ll come up here I’ll show you one of the features of suburban life that will give you an idea for a poem. That stone wall that runs along the front of my place has been the scene of more engagements than I can tell you of. Many a time when I have come home late at night I have counted as many as ten couples sitting on the cold coping of that wall telling each other how beautiful the world is, and holding each other on with loving arms.”

“Rather an affecting scene, that,” said the Poet.

“It was at first,” rejoined the Idiot, “and I rather liked to see it. Indeed, I once suggested to Mrs. Idiot that we should have the coping upholstered, so that they might sit more comfortably. I even wanted to put a back along the inner side of it for them to lean against, but after a while it palled. We couldn’t sit out on our own front porch on a summer evening and talk without sentimental interruptions that were demoralizing to a sustained conversation. We’d try to talk, for instance, about Browning, or Tennyson, or Le Gallienne, or some other poet of their class, when we’d be interrupted by such sentiments as, ‘Ess I is,’ and ‘I’s oo ducky,’ and ‘Ain’t de moon boofer?’ Then when we had guests we never dared to take them out-of-doors, but remained cooped up inside the house, because Mrs. Idiot feared to intrude upon the sacred right of those ten couples to do their courting comparatively unobserved.”

“It must have been a nuisance,” said the Poet.

“It grew to be so; but I hadn’t the heart to stop it, even if I could have done so, so I put up a hedge to hide them from view and soften the sound of their voices; but it didn’t work very long. They didn’t seem to appreciate my motive, and it so happened that the hedge which I put up with the most innocent of intentions was a Japanese quince that blossoms out in thorns half an inch long, to an extent which suggests the fretful porcupine. These, for some reason or other, excited the animosity of my twenty young friends on the wall, and at the end of the season there were not two consecutive feet of the hedge that had not been hacked and cut to pieces by my indignant but uninvited guests.”

“What impudence!” cried the Poet.

“Only the ardor of youth,” observed the Idiot, calmly. “Put yourself in the same place. Suppose that you, just as you were about to declare your undying love for the girl of your choice, and while gently stealing your arm about her waist, were to have the back of your hand ripped off by a brutal hedge?”

“I see,” laughed the Poet. “I dare say I should be indignant.”

“They were properly so,” said the Idiot, “properly so; and neither Mrs. Idiot nor I really blamed them.”

“We let the matter rest, and made no complaint,” he continued. “Time went on, and the courters became a trifle more assertive. One of them came into the house one evening and demanded to know what I meant by assaulting him and his lady friend, holding up a great Osage orange which he alleged to have been the murderous weapon I had used; and I really had to apologize, for I was guilty. It happened that while walking about my small preserves I had picked up this orange, which had fallen onto my lawn from a tree on Jimpsonberry’s place, and had unthinkingly tried to see how far I could throw it. It went just over the hedge, and had unceremoniously knocked Strephon’s hat into the middle of next week and frightened Phyllis into hysterics. I was placed on the defensive, but for the life of me I couldn’t help laughing, with the result that Strephon stalked angrily away, alleging that I should hear from him further in the matter.”

“And did you?” asked the Poet.

“No,” said the Idiot, “I never did; but the incident rather soured me towards the people who seemed to regard my stone wall as their property. I even came to feel like purchasing a gatling-gun and loading it with Osage oranges for the purpose of repelling them, but even under this provocation I still continued to ignore the matter.”

“You are too easy-going,” suggested the Poet.

“I was,” said the Idiot, “until they began to use the sidewalk that runs parallel with the wall as a tablet upon which to inscribe in letters of flame their undying affection. One Sunday morning, as Mrs. Idiot and I started for church, we were horrified to find our flagstones scribbled all over with poetry, done in chalk, after the order of

Roses is pink, and violets is blue,

Sugar is sweet, and so be you.

“Further along was the picture of a heart with an arrow drawn through it, and the two names ‘Larry’ and ‘Mame’ written on either side. And one unusually affectionate youth had actually cut the initials of his young lady and himself in the top of the coping, with a cold-chisel, I suspect. It’s there yet. It was then my spirit rose up into fierce denunciation. That night, when the clans had gathered and were going through the initial stages I marched out in front of them, cleared my throat ostentatiously, and made a speech. It was the most nervous speech I ever made; worse than after-dinner speaking by a good deal. I called their attention to how I had suffered: referred pathetically to the destruction of the hedge; inveighed sarcastically against the Osage-orange man; told them in highly original fashion that worms, if taken at the ebb that leads on to fortune, would surely turn and rend their persecutors, and that I’d had enough. I forgave them the hedge; I forgave them the annoyance they had cost me, but I asserted that I’d see them all condemned to eternal celibacy before I would permit my sidewalk to be turned into an anthology of love, and my coping into an intaglio of eternal blessedness. I requested them if they wished to write poetry to write it upon their own hearths, and if they had any inscriptions to cut to chip in and buy an obelisk of their own and hieroglyph to their hearts’ content. I even offered to buy them each a slate and pencil, which they might bring with them when they came, upon which to send their sentiments down to posterity, and I finished with what I consider to be a pleasing perversion of Longfellow’s poem on the Woodman, with a few lines beginning:

Scribbler, spare that sidewalk.

Then I departed, threatening to have them all arrested.”

“Good!” said the Poet. “I didn’t think you’d ever do it. You have nerve enough, but you are too good-natured.”

“I wasn’t good-natured then,” said the Idiot, regretfully; “and when I got through I stalked back into the house, scolded Mollie, sent Tommy to bed, and behaved like a bear for the rest of the evening.”

“And the people on the wall? They slunk away in despair, I suppose,” said the Poet.

“Not they,” said the Idiot; “not by a long shot. They combined against me, and next morning when I started for town I found my sidewalk in worse shape than ever. One flag had written upon it the pleasing mandate ‘Go drown yourself.’ Another bore the mystic word ‘Chump’ in great capital letters, and at the end of my walk was a pastel portrait of myself, of rough and awkward composition, labeled with my name in full. It took my hired man two weeks to scrub it out. And on the following Hallowe’en they strung a huge banner on my telephone wires, inscribed ‘The Idiot Asylum,’ and every blessed gate I have to my name had been removed from the premises.”

“What an outrage!” cried the Poet.

“Not a bit of it. Merely a suburban ebullition,” said the Idiot. “They don’t mean anything by it. They are mere children, after all, and from their point of view I have interfered with their rights.”

“And you propose to stand all this?” asked the Poet. “If I were you I’d get a pile of broken bottles, as they do in England, and place them along the top of that wall so that they couldn’t possibly use it.”

“Brutal custom, that,” said the Idiot. “May do for Englishmen; won’t do here at all. In the first place, it spoils the appearance of the wall; in the second place, it is not efficacious; in the third place, it would place me in a false position. Everybody’d soon be asking where I got all those bottles. An Englishman drinks enough beer in the course of a week to keep his walls covered with broken bottles for a century. I don’t, and I’m not going to buy bottles. I’ve got a better scheme.”

“Ah!” cried the Poet. “Now we are coming to the invention.”

“Merely an extension of my ‘Hired-Man-Discourager,’” said the Idiot. “Simple, and I trust efficacious. I am going to put a live wire along the coping of my wall. Broken bottles are cheap, my dear Poet, but they don’t work. If I put broken bottles on my wall the Amalgamated Brotherhood of Wooers would meet on my lawn and pass resolutions against me, and ultimately they would demand the use of my parlor, unless I misunderstand their nature.

“The lovers’ rights must be respected always, and I’m truly thankful that they have stopped short at my frontage. When they operate along my frontier-line they are harmless, interesting, even amusing. If they carry their principles through and penetrate beyond the edge, why, then Mrs. Idiot and I will have to give it up.

“My scheme is to make them feel that they are welcome to the wall, but to make the wall—well, to give an element of surprise to the wall. Just as Jimpsonberry’s man is soon to be surprised electrically, which is legitimately, so do I propose to surprise these inconsiderate persons who cut down my hedges, who scribble up my sidewalk with their poems, and who hang Hallowe’en banners on my telephone wires. I wish them all well, but next spring when they attempt to revive the customs of the past they will find that even I am resentful.”

“But how?”

“I shall have a wire running along the coping, as I have already said, that between the hours of eight and twelve p.m. will be so full of shocking things that my uninvited guests will cease to bother me. Can you imagine the effect of a live wire upon ten loving couples engaged in looking at the moon while sitting on it?”

“Yet you claim to insist upon their rights as lovers,” said the Poet, deprecatingly.

“Certainly I do,” said the Idiot. “Man has a right to make love wherever he can. If he can’t make love on my wall, let him make love somewhere else.”

“But where?” cried the Poet. “Your swains up here have no home, apparently.”

“Or Jimpsonberry’s wall,” said the Idiot. “By the way, do you know anything about moths?”

XIV

SOME CONSIDERATION OF THE MOTH

“Do you know anything about the habits of moths?” repeated the Idiot.

“Moths?” echoed the Poet, eying the Idiot closely, the transition from live wires to moths proving rather too sudden for his comprehension. “No, I don’t know anything about moths except that I have heard that they are an unmitigated nuisance.”

“They are worse than a nuisance,” said the Idiot. “They are a devouring element, and they are worse than fire. If your house catches fire you can summon an engine and have it put out, and what damage it does you can collect for if you are careful enough to keep your possessions insured; but with the moth it is different. There isn’t any moth department in town that you can ring up, nor is there a moth-extinguisher that you can keep close at hand to fight them with. Furthermore, there is no moth-insurance company here or elsewhere to protect the man who suffers damage at their teeth, that I know of.

“He is a mean, sneaking, underhanded element, the moth is. Fire has a decent sense of the proprieties. Moths have none at all. When fire attacks you it smokes, and crackles, and hisses, and roars, and lets you know in clarion tones that it has come. The moth steals upon you in the dead of night, and chews up your best trousers, gorges himself upon your wife’s furs, tickles his palate with your swellest flannel golf-shirt, munches away upon your handsomest rug, punches holes in your best sofa-cushions with his tusks, and then silently folds his tent and steals away without so much as a thank-you for his meal. For unmitigated meanness commend me to the moth!”

“You seem to speak with feeling,” said the Poet, with a smile. “Have you suffered?”

“Suffered?” cried the Idiot. “Suffered is not the word. They have tortured me. Alongside of the moth and his nefarious work even a book-agent pales into insignificance, and an unpaid grocer’s bill becomes an absolute pleasure. You can meet a book-agent on his own ground, for you know his limitations. I have done so myself. Only yesterday one of them called upon me to sell me a Cyclopedia of Cookery, and before he got away I had actually sold him a copy of your poems.”

“Ah,” said the Poet, shaking his head. “You sold my gift, did you?”

“Not a bit of it,” laughed the Idiot. “When your book came out I bought a copy, and two days later you sent me another with an inscription, which I treasure affectionately. I sold him the one I bought.”

“You are a beautiful Idiot,” said the Poet, slapping his knee enthusiastically.

“I don’t lay claim so much to beauty as to sublimity,” said the Idiot, lighting a cigar. “And even that is not to my credit. Beauty and sublimity are gifts. No amount of cultivation can produce genius when it does not exist. When I see a beautiful woman it is not she that I admire. I admire the gracious Hand that made her.”

“Give me that idea, old man!” cried the Poet.

“It is yours from this on,” said the Idiot, with a sigh. “I am not equal to it. I may be able to think thoughts, but thoughts are of no more use to me than a piano is to a man who can’t read music. But we are becoming discursive. We were talking about moths, not thoughts. You said that I must have suffered, and I said that I had been tortured, and I have. My evening clothes have been ruined by them; my best shirts have been eaten by them; my silk hat, in which I have taken much pride, has four bald spots on its side because of their insatiable appetite, and as far as I can find out, I have no redress. You can’t sue a moth for damages, you know, with any degree of satisfaction.”

“Why should you expect to sue a moth for damages any more than to have a mosquito indicted for assault?” suggested the Poet.

“Oh, as for that,” said the Idiot, “you can treat the mosquito without much difficulty. He merits capital punishment, and if you are yourself alert you can squash him at the moment of his crime. But the moth is different. You are absolutely helpless in the face of him. He works in secret.”

“I am told that there are such things as camphor-balls,” observed the Poet.

“There are,” said the Idiot. “And I truly think the moth enjoys them as much as a young girl enjoys a military ball. Whenever we give a camphor-ball the moths attend, and as far as I can find out dance all through it. They seem to enjoy functions of that nature. Furthermore, I have yet to meet the man who likes to go about in a suit of clothes that smells like a drugstore. I don’t. I hate the odor of camphor, and if I have my choice of going to a dinner in a perforated dress-suit or in one that is redolent of the camphor-ball, I prefer the one with holes in it. What I can’t understand is why a race as proud as the one to which you and I belong should have to knuckle under to an inferior lot of insects such as the moth represents.”

“I suppose there is something about it that we cannot understand,” said the Poet, dreamily. “All created things have their uses. The lion, the elephant, the tiger, the boa constrictor, all have their work to do in life. Even the mosquito has his mission, whatever it may be. You must admit this. Why not, therefore, admit that the moth serves a purpose in the great scheme of life?”

“My dear Poet,” said the Idiot, “far be it from me to deny the truth of what you say. There is hardly a living creature that I have ever encountered in all my life that has not had some truly utilitarian quality in its make-up. The lion is a splendid creature, and with the bear and the fox and the rhinoceros and the tapir he serves a purpose. They at least teach boys geography, and teach it interestingly. The boy who knows where the tapir hath its lair knows more geography than I do. My son Tommy has learned more of geography from a visit to the circus where those animals are shown than he ever learned from books. I can quite see likewise the utilitarian value of the mosquito. He keeps the seashore from being overcrowded, and he prevents some people from sleeping too much. He is an accomplished vocalist, and from my own point of view is superior to a Wagner opera, since Wagner opera puts me to sleep, while the magnificent discords of the mosquito keep me awake. But the moth is beyond me. What his contribution to the public welfare may be I cannot reason out, although I have tried.”

“And you find nothing in his favor?” asked the Poet.

“Much,” replied the Idiot, “but he has no system. His mission is to eat old clothes, but he is such a very disgusting glutton that he does not discriminate between old and new, and I have no use for him. If in his search for a meal he would choose the garments of three years ago, which I ought not to wear because they are so old-fashioned as to make me conspicuous when I do wear them, it would be all right. But the moth is no such discriminating person. He is not a lover of old vintages. When he calls in a number of his brother moths to dine at his expense he does not treat them to an overcoat of ’89, or to a dress-suit of ’93, or to a silk hat laid down in ’95. He wants the latest thing, and as far as I can find out he gets it. I have just been compelled to lay in a new stock of under and over clothes because the ones I had have been served upon his table.”

“The moth must live,” observed the Poet.

“I’m perfectly willing he should if he’ll only discriminate,” retorted the Idiot. “We have enough old clothes in this house, my dear Poet, to give a banquet of seventeen courses to six hundred moths every night for the next six months. If they would content themselves with that I should be satisfied. But they won’t. They eat up my new clothes; they destroy my new hats; they munch away upon my most treasured golf-vests. That is why I asked you if you knew anything about moths. I am anxious to reform them. As you have said, I have gone into inventing, and my inventions are wholly designed to meet long-felt wants in all households. The man who invents a scheme to circumvent or properly to satisfy the appetite of the moth will find his name indissolubly linked with fame. I have thought, and thought, and thought about it. The moth must either be domesticated or extinguished. I have tried to extinguish him, but without avail. When he has flown forth I have endeavored to punch him in the head, and I have wasted my energy upon the unresponsive air. Did you ever undertake to punch a moth in the head?”

“Never,” said the Poet. “I am not a fighter.”

“My dear boy,” rejoined the Idiot, “I don’t know a hero in real life or in fiction who could meet a moth on his own ground. I read about Mr. Willie B. Travers, of New York, who can drive four horses about the arena at the horse show without turning a hair. I read about Emerson McJones, of Boston, putting up his face against the administration on a question of national import. I have read of the prowess of Alexander, of Caesar, of D’Artagnan, of Bonaparte, and of Teddy Roosevelt, but there isn’t a man among ’em who can fight the moth. You can bombard him with a gatling-gun loaded to the muzzle with camphor-balls, and he still waves his banner defiantly in your face. You may lunge at him with a rapier, and he jumps lightly aside, and to express his contempt bites a hole in your parlor hangings. You can turn the hose on him, and he soars buoyantly away out of reach. You can’t kill him, because you can’t catch him. You can’t drive him away, and until we go back to the dress of the knights of old and wear nickel-plated steel clothing, and live in rooms of solid masonry, we can’t starve him out. There is, therefore, only one thing to do, and that is to domesticate him. If you in the course of your investigations into nature have ever discovered any trait in the moth that science can lay hold upon, something through which we can appeal to his better nature, if he has such a thing, you will be conferring a great boon upon the whole domestic world. What I want to find out is if he possesses some particularly well-defined taste; if there is any one kind of texture or fabric that he likes better than another. If there is such a thing I’ll have a brand-new suit made of that same material especially for him, furnish a nice comfortable, warm spot in the attic as a dining-room, and let him feed there forevermore, when and how he pleases. The manners and customs of moths are an open book to most of us. His tastes are as mysterious as the ocean’s depths.”

The Poet shook his head dubiously. “I am afraid, my dear Idiot, that you have at last tackled a problem that will prove too much for you. How to get at the point you desire is, I fear, impossible of discovery,” he said.

“It would seem so,” replied the Idiot. “But I shall not despair. If the ordinary cook of commerce can be made humanly intelligent I do not see any reason why we should abandon so comparatively simple a proposition as the domesticization of the moth.”

Tommy and Mollie had been listening with great interest, and as the Idiot finished Mollie observed that she thought the best way to do was to ask the moth what he liked most, but Tommy had a less conciliatory plan.

“Best thing’s to get rid of ’em altogether, pa,” he said. “Mollie and I’ll squash ’em for you for fi’ cents apiece.”

Which struck the Poet as the most practical idea that had been advanced during the discussion.

XV

SOME CONSIDERATION OF THE BURGLAR

“Are you ever bothered much by burglars off here in the country?” asked Mr. Pedagog one spring afternoon, as he and the Idiot and the youngsters strolled about the Idiot’s small farm.

“No,” said the Idiot. “They’ve only visited me twice.”

“Only twice, eh?” observed the Schoolmaster. “Well, I should think that was often enough, considering that you haven’t lived here more than a year and a half.”

“It was,” said the Idiot. “I didn’t say I wanted them to come again, did I?”

“Of course not,” returned Mr. Pedagog. “But you said ‘only twice,’ as if two visits of that nature were less than might have been expected.”

“Well, aren’t they?” asked the Idiot. “Just make a little calculation. I’ve lived on this place precisely five hundred and ninety-four days, and, of course, an equal number of nights. It seems to me that in breaking into my house only twice when they might have come every night shows a degree of restraint upon our Suburban Burglary Company that is worthy of the highest commendation. You, of course, refer to professional burglars, don’t you?”

Mr. Pedagog laughed. “Are there any amateur burglars?”

“Are there!” ejaculated the Idiot. “Well, rather. There is the Gasman, and man who inspects the water-meter, and the Iceman, and the Plumber. If you refer to that class, why, I have them with me always.”

“Which of the two classes do you prefer?” asked Mr. Pedagog, with a chuckle.

“Well, I’m not quite sure as to that,” returned the Idiot. “I’ve often wondered myself whether I preferred the straight-out honest pirate, who does his work surreptitiously by night, and who doesn’t pretend to be anything but a pirate, or the sleek, insinuating chap, who comes into our house by day, and runs up a bill against you which in his heart of hearts he knows is not a proper one. There are burglars and burglars in this world, Mr. Pedagog, and the one who lands in the penitentiary is not always a bigger rascal than the fellow who holds the respect of the community and sets himself up as a prominent citizen. Highwaymen may be divided into classes, some of them respectable, others not. There was Dick Turpin, who ran honest risks to obtain a living; there are men in Wall Street who work greater ruin, and are held in higher esteem. There is the footpad who takes your watch, and pawns it to buy bread for his starving family, and there is the very charming young person who sits behind a table at a church fair, and charges you seven dollars for a fifty-cent sofa-cushion. So it goes. Socially I prefer the esteemed citizen who makes me pay twenty-eight dollars for ten dollars’ worth of gas; but when it comes down to a strict business basis I must say I have lost less money through the operations of the professional thief than through those of the amateur highwayman. Take a recent case in my own experience, for instance. Only last week I sent anonymously a small clock which cost me twenty dollars to a guild fair here in town, and Mrs. Idiot bought it for a birthday present for me for forty dollars. In other words, I have a twenty-dollar clock on my hands that has cost me sixty dollars.”

“But you have the satisfaction of knowing that you have contributed to the good work of the guild,” suggested Mr. Pedagog.

“That is true enough,” said the Idiot; “but the guild is only forty dollars to the good. They’d have been better off if I had given them fifty dollars in cash, and I’d have saved ten.”

“But you have the clock,” insisted Mr. Pedagog.

“I certainly have,” replied the Idiot; “and if time is money I shall soon be rich, for that clock makes time to beat the band. If it keeps on as it has started and we stand by it, we shall soon be about a month ahead of the sun. It gains a week every forty-eight hours. If that clock were truthful, I should be a centenarian at forty.”

“But you’re not sorry you gave it?” said Mr. Pedagog, deprecatingly.

“Not at all,” said the Idiot. “My only regret is that Mrs. I. bought it. But,” he added, hastily, “she needn’t know that.”

“I won’t say a word,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“I won’t, neither, pa,” said Tommy, with a degree of complacency which showed that the temptation to tell was great.

“Well, I won’t say more’n two or three words about it, anyhow,” put in Mollie, not anxious to commit herself to perpetual silence on the subject.

“It is the most beautiful clock I ever saw,” said the Idiot, quickly, realizing the possibilities of Mollie’s two or three words.

“That’s what I fink,” said Mollie, “and I’m goin’ to tell mamma that you said so.”

“All right,” said the Idiot. “Suppose you and Tommy run right up and tell her now.”

“I’d rather hear you talk, pa,” said Tommy.

“He does take after you, doesn’t he?” said Mr. Pedagog.

“Yes,” said the Idiot, “he does. He likes to hear me talk as much as I do, bless him!”

“It is a commendable sign in a son,” observed Mr. Pedagog. “But tell about the two professionals. Did they get anything?”

“They did,” said the Idiot. “And at the same time I lost nothing. The first chap came on the scene, along about two o’clock in the morning. He was a very industrious mechanic, and I regret to say he was not adequately paid for his services. He tackled the safe.” At this point the Idiot threw back his head and laughed heartily.

“I have seen the safe,” said Mr. Pedagog, “and to tell you the truth, my dear Idiot, I have wondered at your choosing so obvious a receptacle for your valuables. It does not, to my mind, deny itself as a safe should. It advertises the fact that your silver, your wife’s jewels perhaps, are within. I have spoken once or twice to our friend Mr. Brief about it.”

“No doubt,” replied the Idiot. “However, I can’t see why a safe has any disadvantages.”

“It lies in this,” said Mr. Pedagog, impressively. “You confess at once to the burglar the exact location of the things he’s after. Without a safe your silver, or Mrs. Idiot’s jewels, such as they are, might be found anywhere in the house. But when you take the trouble to buy a safe, any burglar in creation who has ordinary common sense must know that your valuables are concentrated in that one spot.”

“That, I rejoice to say,” said the Idiot, “is the burglar’s view.”

“You should not rejoice,” said Mr. Pedagog, with some of his old-time severity. “You make his work so comparatively easy that he is content to follow a base profession, as you have termed it. Truly, I wonder at you. You place on your first floor a bald safe—”

“I haven’t seen any advertised as having a full head of hair,” observed the Idiot, complacently.

“You misunderstand me,” said Mr. Pedagog. “When I say bald I mean evident, plain, obvious. You practically say: Here are the things which I value. What is to be found within this safe, Mr. Burglar, are the very things you are after. Therefore, say you to the burglar: Attack this safe. Break it open, rifle it of its contents; in other words, here is the swag, as I believe it is called.”

“You are wholly right,” said the Idiot. “I bought that safe for that precise reason, and I bought a big one and a strong one. But you don’t know the story of that safe, do you, Mr. Pedagog?”

“I do not,” said the Schoolmaster.

“Then let me tell you,” said the Idiot. “That safe has been broken open, and by a professional burglar. The burglar had his tools, and he had his expert knowledge of their use. He arrived at my house, as I recall the situation, somewhere about—ah—two o’clock at night. He bored at the lock until three. He fooled about the combination. He did everything that a respectable burglar might be expected to do, and—”

“He failed, of course, since you say you have lost nothing,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“Not at all,” said the Idiot. “After two hours and fifty-five minutes’ work on that safe he got it open. And—”

“And?” queried Mr. Pedagog.

“He found it empty,” said the Idiot; “absolutely empty. There was not a spoon, a fork, a teapot, or a diamond necklace, or even a scrap of paper in it.”

“Then why do you have it,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“Merely to keep the burglar busy while he is in my house, and to make him expert in honest work. An ordinary mechanic, intelligent enough to get that safe open by night or by day, would be entitled to at least two dollars for his services. The individual involved got it open; and when he opened it—”

“Found nothing!” cried Mr. Pedagog.

“Exactly,” said the Idiot, pulling away on his cigar. “I suppose I should have left a check inside payable to bearer for a dollar and a half to compensate him for his trouble, but I am so neglectful that I really didn’t.”

“And you bought a safe—”

“Merely to provide employment for the unemployed burglar,” said the Idiot. “That is all a safe is good for, Mr. Pedagog. Experience has shown that the house-safe isn’t worth the paint it is covered with in the matter of protection. But as a decoy it works to a charm. A safe, in other words, is a splendid thing to keep things out of, as well as to keep the burglar busy while he is your guest. If our particular visitor had not spent all his time breaking the safe open he might have been able to locate our spoons.”

“It is a pity,” said Mr. Pedagog, dryly, “that you did not add to the impression the futility of his work made upon his mind a short note of admonition indicating to him that he might be in better business.”

“My dear Mr. Pedagog,” said the Idiot, “that would have been rude. Invited or otherwise, the man was a guest in my house, and a note of that kind would have savored of sarcasm, or, if not, would have placed me in the position of having taken advantage of my guest’s weakness to be facetious at his expense.”

“You take an original view of it,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“Not a bit of it,” returned the Idiot. “I got the idea from a Boston girl. Once when she and her sister-in-law found themselves alone at night in a huge country-house they were suddenly overcome with fear of burglars, and rather than run any personal risk from the midnight marauder they left a big card on top of the safe inscribed with these words: ‘Dear Sir,—The combination of this safe is 11-16-91. There is nothing in it. If you must have our silver, call at the Shawmut Safe Deposit Company, where it is now stored.’ The two girls were cousins of mine.”

The Schoolmaster smiled again. “There must be a streak of your particular kind of genius running all through your family,” said he.

“True—there is,” said the Idiot. “I’m not the only Idiot in my tribe.”

“And the second burglar. How about him?” asked Mr. Pedagog.

“Oh, he was easy,” said the Idiot. “I compromised with him. You see, I met him on his way out. I was coming home late, and just as I arrived he was leaving. I invited him back, lit the gas in the dining-room, and asked him to join me in a bit of cold tongue and a bottle of beer. He tried to shuffle out of it, but when I said I preferred to reason with him rather than have him arrested he sat down, and we talked the situation over. I discovered that for about three hundred dollars’ worth of my stuff that he had in a bag slung over his shoulder he might get as much as fifty dollars, and at great risk. I showed him how foolish that was, and offered to give him forty dollars if he’d leave the stuff, so saving me two hundred and sixty dollars, and avoiding all trouble for himself. He didn’t like it at first, but under the genial influence of the beer and the cold tongue and my conversation he finally yielded, and walked out of my house with a check drawn to bearer for forty dollars in his pocket.”

“I am astonished at you!” cried Mr. Pedagog. “You compounded a felony.”

“Not exactly,” said the Idiot. “I should have done so if I hadn’t stopped payment on the check the next day.”

“Oh,” said Mr. Pedagog, “I see!”

“All I lost was the revenue-stamp on the check,” said the Idiot.

“And did you ever hear from the man again?”

“Yes,” observed the Idiot. “I met him on the train a day or two later—sat next to him in the smoking-car, in fact.”

“And did he know you?”

“Yes. We had a very pleasant chat going to town. He said he was moving away from here. He couldn’t stand it, he said. He was going to work in some new field where a man could get living pay for his work. Said he’d been robbed by some of our best people; what’s the use of working for nothing? he asked. The poor man was kept down, and all that sort of talk.”

“And you parted friends?”

“Yes,” said the Idiot. “I felt rather sorry for him, and when he said goodbye I gave him a cigar and a five-dollar bill, and that was the end of him. I have since received a letter from him in which he said that my kindness was appreciated, and that I could leave my valuables out on the lawn all night hereafter with perfect impunity. ‘There isn’t a thief in our whole suburban gang would be mean enough to touch it after your kindness to me,’ he wrote.”

“Extraordinary!” said Mr. Pedagog.

“Very,” said the Idiot. “Nevertheless, I have not taken his hint about leaving my silver out-of-doors, and have worked as hard as ever on my patent burglar-alarm.”

“Oh, indeed! Have you a new idea in that line?” asked the Schoolmaster.

“Yes,” said the Idiot. “It is wholly novel. It is designed to alarm the burglar, and not scare the people in the house. Did you ever hear of anything like that before?”

“Never!” ejaculated Mr. Pedagog, with enthusiasm. “How is it to work?”

“That,” said the Idiot, “is what I am trying to find out. When I do I’ll let you know, Doctor.”

XVI

CONCLUSION

Mr. and Mrs. Idiot
Request the Pleasure of Your Company
at Dinner
On Thursday Evening
At Half-after Seven O’Clock

R.S.V.P.

Last Call

Handsomely engraved, a card bearing the above inscription was sent about the middle of May to all the Idiot’s old friends of Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog’s select home for gentlemen, and it is needless to say that they all accepted.

“I wonder what the dickens he means by ‘Last Call,’” said Mr. Brief to the Genial Old Gentleman who occasionally imbibed. “Sounds like the warning of the dining-car porter on a Pullman train.”

“I’m sure I can’t imagine,” said the other; “and what’s more, I’m content to wait and find out. Of course you are going?”

“I am, indeed,” said Mr. Brief. “I’d travel farther than that for the pleasure of an hour with the dear old boy, and particularly now that he has so good a cook. Dined there lately?”

“Yes,” said the Genial Old Gentleman.

“Had any of those mulled sardines he gives you Sunday nights?”

“More than was good for me. Ain’t they fine?” said the Genial Old Gentleman, smacking his lips ecstatically.

“Immense!” said Mr. Brief. “A cook that can mull sardines like that is worth her weight in gold. Where do you suppose he got her?”

“Why, he married her!” cried the Genial Old Gentleman, promptly. “Mrs. Idiot cooks those herself, on the chafing-dish. Didn’t you know that?”

“No,” said Mr. Brief. “I happened in late Sunday night, and we had ’em. They were so awfully good I didn’t do a thing but eat, and forgot to ask who cooked ’em.”

“It’s the way of the world,” sighed the Genial Old Gentleman. “We old bachelors have to get along on what comes to us, but the energetic chap who goes out into the world and marries the right sort of a woman—Jove, what a lucky chap he is!”

“There’s some truth in that,” agreed Mr. Brief; “but, on the whole, just think what a terrible thing it would be to marry a bad cook, and to have to eat everything she prepared with an outward show of delight just to keep peace in the family.”

“That’s your cautious lawyer’s view of it,” said the Genial Old Gentleman.

“Why the deuce don’t you get married yourself, then,” said Mr. Brief. “If you feel that way—”

“I don’t want to,” said the Genial Old Gentleman. “Fact is, Brief, old man, all I should ever marry for would be the comfort of a home, and I can always get that by going up to the Idiot’s.”

The other invited guests were no less perplexed by the final words of the Idiot’s invitation, and with the pleasure of accepting was mingled an agreeable curiosity to know what was meant by “Last Call.” The evening came, and all were present. It was a goodly company, and by special favor the children were allowed to sit up and partake; and, what was more, Mary, the housemaid of the old days, assisted in the serving of the dinner.

“Seems like old times,” said Mr. Whitechoker, beaming at Mrs. Pedagog and smiling pleasantly at Mary. “I shall almost expect our host to be sarcastic.”

“Sarcasm, Mr. Whitechoker,” said the Idiot, unfolding his napkin, “is all right in its place, but as I have grown older I haven’t found that having given rein to it I was happier afterwards. Sometimes, no doubt, Mrs. Pedagog has thought me rude—”

“Never!” said the ancient landlady.

“Well, there’s something worse than having others think you rude,” said the Idiot. “That’s realizing yourself that you have been so, and I hope Mrs. Pedagog will accept here and now an apology—a blanket apology—which shall cover a multitude of past sins.”

“My dear Idiot,” said Mrs. Pedagog, “do you know how I have always thought of you?”

“As a son,” said Mr. Pedagog. “And I have felt towards you as a father.”

“I wonder you didn’t give me a thrashing once in a while, then,” said the Idiot.

“We have often wished to,” observed Mr. Pedagog.

“John!” cried Mrs. Pedagog.

“Well, I have,” said Mr. Pedagog. “Mrs. Pedagog has all the amiable weakness of a woman towards her naughty boy. Spank him next time, not this.”

Everybody laughed, and the Idiot rose from his place and walked to Mrs. Pedagog’s side and kissed her.

“You’re a nice old mommie,” he said, “and the naughty boy loves you. He’ll be hanged if he’ll kiss his daddy, though!” he added, with a glance at Mr. Pedagog.

“I will,” said Mollie; and she did so.

The old Schoolmaster returned the little girl’s salute with emphasis.

“Bless you, little one!” he said, huskily. “I love you even as I loved your papa.”

“I’m a-goin’ to kiss everybody,” said Tommy; and he started in with Mary and put his little scheme through to the bitter end. “What are we going to have for dessert?” he added, complacently, as he resumed his seat.

“Idiot,” said Mr. Brief, when the third course had been served, “what do you mean by ‘Last Call?’”

“We are going to give up housekeeping,” said the Idiot.

“No trouble, I hope,” said Mr. Whitechoker.

“Lots!” ejaculated the Idiot. “But not very troublesome troubles. The fact is we intend to travel.”

“To travel, eh?” said the Genial Old Gentleman. “Where?”

“Abroad,” replied the Idiot. “We have never been abroad, you know. I’ve been abroad, and Mrs. Idiot has been abroad, but we have never been abroad. We are going together this time, and we are going to take the children, and for a year we propose to see Europe under the most favorable conditions. I think that abroad will seem a little different if we go together.”

“Undoubtedly,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “But London is a cold, godless place.”

“It is if you go alone,” said the Idiot.

“And Paris is vile,” suggested Mr. Brief.

“To the man who has only himself to think of,” said the Idiot.

“And Italy is dirty,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“There’s water in Venice,” observed the Idiot. “Not very clean water, to be sure, but wet enough to wash the edges of the sidewalks.”

“And travel is uncomfortable,” observed the Poet.

“Admitted,” said the Idiot. “Travel is about the hardest work and the worst-paid work I know of, but we cannot help ourselves. Now that we are rich we must accept the penalties imposed by modern society upon the wealthy. You never knew a rich man to lead a comfortable life, did you, Mr. Pedagog?”

“There are few of them who seem to know how,” admitted the Schoolmaster. “But—you do.”

“No doubt,” said the Idiot. “But you see I do not wish to be ostentatiously different from my kind, so having made a fortune I am going to live as people of fortune do and be as uncomfortable as I know how.”

“I don’t understand about this fortune,” said Mr. Brief. “Have you run up against a rich uncle somewhere, or is this sudden wealth the result of your inventions, concerning which we have heard so much lately?”

“Neither,” replied the Idiot. “The fact is, I made an investment some years ago in a certain stock, for which I paid twenty-three. I sold it three weeks ago for one hundred and sixty-three, clearing one hundred and forty dollars each on a thousand shares.”

The Poet gasped.

“One hundred and forty thousand dollars profit!” cried Mr. Whitechoker.

“Yes,” said the Idiot, calmly, “that’s about the size of it. Terrible, isn’t it? Here I was a happy man; content to stay at home and toil eight hours a day for a small stipend; living in tolerable comfort, and nothing to worry over. All of a sudden this thing happens, and like all other men of wealth I must become a wanderer. I shudder to think of what might have happened if I’d made a million; I shouldn’t have had a home at all then.”

The guests looked at their host with amazement. To most of them he had reached the supreme moment of his idiocy.

“Ahem!” said the Poet. “I fail to see why.”

“Look at the ways of the millionaire and you’ll see,” observed the Idiot, suavely. “Given his million he gives up his house and builds himself a small, first-class hotel in some big city, which for the greater part of the year is occupied by servants. He next erects a country palace at Lenox or at Newport. This he calls a cottage, though it usually looks more like a public library or a hospital or a club-house. Then he builds himself a camp, with stained-glass windows, in the Adirondacks, and has to float a small railroad in order to get himself and his wife’s trunks into camp. Shortly after these follows a bungalow modeled after a French château, somewhere in the South, and then a yacht warranted to cross the ocean in ten days, and to produce seasickness twelve hours sooner than the regular ocean-steamer, becomes one of the necessities of life. Result, he never lives anywhere. To occupy all his residences, camps, and bungalows he has to keep eternally on the move, and when he thinks he needs a trip to Europe he has his yacht got ready and sends it over, going himself on a fast steamer. He meets his yacht at Southampton, and orders the captain to proceed directly to some Mediterranean port, going himself, meanwhile, to London. After a month of London he goes to Paris, and thence to the Mediterranean port, where, after steaming aboard of the yacht for three or four days, he sends the boat back to New York and returns himself by the regular liner. Oh, it’s a terrible thing to be a millionaire and have nowhere to lay one’s head, with every poorer man envying you, many hating you, and hands raised against you everywhere.”

There was a pause, and the assembled company properly expressed their appreciation of the millionaire’s hard lot by silence.

“The scheme has its advantages,” observed Mrs. Idiot.

“Some,” said the Idiot. “But think, my dear, of the town house with thirty-nine servants; the Newport house with thirty-four; the camp with sixty, including gamekeepers and guides; the bungalow with thirty more, and the yacht with a captain, a crew, stewards, stewardesses, and a cook you can’t get away from without jumping overboard. Just think how that would multiply your troubles. You would come to me from time to time and ask me how I could expect you to discharge seven butlers and four cooks in one morning, and no doubt you’d request me sometimes to stop in at the intelligence office on my way home and employ a dozen housemaids for you.”

“But you would have a manager for all this,” suggested Mrs. Pedagog.

“That’s the point,” observed the Idiot. “We’d have to have a manager, and for my part I shouldn’t relish being managed. What chance would Mrs. Idiot have against a manager ahead of an army of servants of such magnitude? We have more than we can keep in subjection as we stand now, with this one small house. If it wasn’t for Mary, who keeps an eye on things, I don’t know what we should do.”

“Well, I am glad you’re rich, pa,” said Tommy; “you can increase my allowance.”

“And I can have a pony,” lisped Mollie.

“Alas! Poor children!” cried the Idiot. “That is the saddest part of wealth. Instead of bringing the little ones up ourselves, to be wholly fashionable it will be necessary to sublet the contract to a committee of tutors and governesses. The obligations of social life hereafter will require that we meet our children by appointment only, and that when they dine they shall eat in solitary grandeur until they become so polished in manners that their parents may once more formally welcome them at table. All the good old democratic ways of the domestic republic are now to be set aside. Tommy, instead of yelling for a buckwheat-cake at the top of his lungs, upon our return will request a butler in choicest French to hand him a pâté de foie gras; and dear little Mollie will have to give up attracting the waitress’ attention by shying an olive-pit at her and imperiously summon her by means of an electric buzzer set to buzzing with her toe.”

“Mercy! What a picture of woe!” cried Mr. Pedagog.

“Not altogether true, is it?” suggested the Doctor.

“Have you ever visited Newport?” asked the Idiot.

“No,” said the Doctor, “never.”

“Well, don’t,” said the Idiot, “unless you wish to look upon that picture—a picture of life whence childhood is abolished; where blasé little swells take the place of lively small boys, and diminutive grand duchesses, clad in regal garb, have supplanted the little daughters who bring smiles and sunshine into the life of the common people. Ah, my friends,” the Idiot continued, with a shake of his head, “there are sad sights to be seen in this world, but I know of none sadder than those rich little scions of the American aristocracy in whose veins the good red blood of a not very remote ancestry has turned blue through too much high living and too little real living.”

“I should think you’d take that hundred and forty thousand dollars and throw it into the sea,” said Mr. Brief.

“That would be wicked waste,” observed the Idiot. “I propose to use it to win back the good old home-life, and the best way to perpetuate that is to leave it for a time and travel. When you have traveled and seen how uncomfortable others are, and discovered how uncomfortable you are while traveling, nothing can exceed the bliss of getting back to the first simple principles of the real home.”

“As a sensible man, why don’t you stay here, then?” queried the Poet.

“Because,” said the Idiot, “if I stayed here with that hundred and forty thousand dollars on my mind I should nurse it, and in a short while I’d become a millionaire, and such a misfortune as that I shall never invite. We shall go abroad and spend—”

“Not all of it, I hope?” said Mr. Whitechoker.

“No,” replied the Idiot. “But enough of it to mitigate the horrors of our condition while absent.”

And so it was that Castle Idiot was closed, and that for a time at least “The Idiot at Home” became a thing of the past. Wherever he and his small family may be, may I not bespeak for him the kindly, even affectionate, esteem of those who have followed him with me through these pages? He has his faults; they are many and manifest, for he has never shown the slightest disposition to conceal them, but, as Mrs. Pedagog remarked to me the other night, “He has a large heart, and it is in the right place. If he only wouldn’t talk so much!”

The Inventions of the Idiot

CONTENTS:

1 … The Culinary Guild
2 … A Suggestion for the Cable Cars
3 … The Transatlantic Trolley Company
4 … The Incorporation of the Idiot
5 … University Extension
6 … Social Expansion
7 … A Beggar’s Handbook
8 … Progressive Waffles
9 … A Clearing-house for Poets
10 … Some Electrical Suggestions
11 … Concerning Children
12 … Dreamaline

I

THE CULINARY GUILD

It was before the Idiot’s marriage, and in the days when he was nothing more than a plain boarder in Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog’s High-class Home for Single Gentlemen, that he put what the Schoolmaster termed his “alleged mind” on plans for the amelioration of the condition of the civilized.

“The trials of the barbarian are really nothing as compared with the tribulations of civilized man,” he said, as the waitress passed him a piece of steak that had been burned to a crisp. “In the Cannibal Islands a cook who would send a piece of broiled missionary to her employer’s table in this condition would herself be roasted before another day had dawned. We, however, must grin and bear it, because our esteemed landlady cannot find anywhere in this town a woman better suited for the labors of the kitchen than the blank she has had the misfortune to draw in the culinary lottery, familiarly known to us, her victims, as Bridget.”

“This is an exceptional case,” said Mr. Pedagog. “We haven’t had a steak like this before in several weeks.”

“True,” returned the Idiot. “This is a sirloin, I believe. The last steak we had was a rump steak, and it was not burned to a crisp, I admit. It was only boiled, if I remember rightly, by mistake; Bridget having lost her fifth consecutive cousin in ten days the night before, and being in consequence so prostrated that she could not tell a gridiron from a lawnmower.”

“Well, you know the popular superstition, Mr. Idiot,” said the Poet. “The devil sends the cooks.”

“I don’t believe it,” retorted the Idiot. “That’s one of those proverbs that haven’t a particle of truth in ’em—nor a foundation in reason either, like ‘Never look a gift horse in the mouth.’ Of all absurd advice ever given to man by a thoughtless thinker, that, I think, bears the palm. I know a man who didn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, and the consequence was that he accepted a horse that was twenty-eight years old. The beast died in his stables three days later, and the beneficiary had to pay five dollars to have him carted away. As for the devil sending the cooks, I haven’t any faith in the theory. Any person who had come from the devil would know how to manage a fire better than ninety-nine percent of the cooks ever born. It would be a good thing if every one of ’em were forced to serve an apprenticeship with the Prince of Darkness. However, steak like this serves a good purpose. It serves to bind our little circle more firmly together. There’s nothing like mutual suffering to increase the sympathy that should exist between men situated as we are; and as for Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog, I wish her to understand distinctly that I am criticizing the cook and not herself. If this particular dainty had been prepared by her own fair hand, I doubt not I should want more of it.”

“I thank you,” returned the landlady, somewhat mollified by this remark. “If I had more time I should occasionally do the cooking myself, but, as it is, I am overwhelmed with work.”

“I can bear witness to that,” observed Mr. Whitechoker. “Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog is one of the most useful ladies in my congregation. If it were not for her, many a heathen would be going without garments today.”

“Well, I don’t like to criticize,” said the Idiot, “but I think the heathen at home should be considered before the heathen abroad. If your congregation would have a guild to look after such heathen as the Poet and the Doctor and myself, I am convinced it would be more appreciated by those who benefited by its labors than it is at present by the barbarians who try to wear the misfits it sends out. A Christian whose plain but honest breakfast is well cooked is apt to be far more grateful than a barbarian who is wearing a pair of trousers made of calico and a coat three sizes too small in the body and nine sizes too large in the arms. I will go further. I believe that if the domestic heathen were cared for they would do much better work, would earn better pay, and would, out of mere gratitude, set apart a sufficiently large portion of their increased earnings to be devoted to the purchase of tailor-made costumes, which would please the cannibals better, far better, than the amateur creations they now get. I know I’d contribute some of my surplus.”

“What would you have such a guild do?” queried Mr. Whitechoker.

“Do? There’d be so much for it to do that the members could hardly find time to rest,” returned the Idiot. “Do? Why, my dear sir, take this house, for instance, and see what it could do here. What a boon it would be for me if some kind-hearted person would come here once a week and sew buttons on my clothes, darn my socks—in short, keep me mended. What better work for one who desires to make the world brighter, happier, and less sinful!”

“I fail to see how the world would be brighter, happier, or less sinful if your suspender-buttons were kept firm, and your stockings darned, and your wardrobe generally mended,” said Mr. Pedagog. “I grant that such a guild would be doing a noble work if it would take you in hand and correct many of your impressions, revise your well-known facts so as to bring them more in accord with indubitable truths, and impart to your customs some of that polish which you so earnestly strive for in your dress.”

“Thank you,” said the Idiot, suavely. “But I don’t wish to overburden the kind ladies to whom I refer. If my costumes could be looked after I might find time to look after my customs, and, I assure you, Mr. Pedagog, if at any time you will undertake to deliver a course of lectures on Etiquette, I will gladly subscribe for two orchestra-chairs and endeavor to occupy both of them. At any rate, to return to the main point, I claim that the world would be happier and brighter and less sinful if the domestic heathen were kept mended by such a guild, and I challenge anyone here to deny, even on so slight a basis as the loose suspender-button, the truth of what I say. When I arise in the morning and find a button gone, do I make genial remarks about the joys of life? I do not. I use words. Sometimes one word, which need not be repeated here. I am unhappy, and, being unhappy, the world seems dark and dreary, and in speaking impatiently, though very much to the point, as I do, I am guilty of an offense that is sinful. With such a start in the morning, I come here to the table. Mr. Pedagog sees that I am not quite myself. He asks me if I am not feeling well, an irritating question at any time, but particularly so to a man with a suspender-button gone. I retort. He re-retorts, until our converse is warmer than the coffee, and our relations colder than the waffles. Finally I leave the house, slamming the door behind me, structurally weakening the house, and go to business, where I wreak my vengeance upon the second clerk, who takes it out of the office-boy, who goes home and vents his wrath on his little sister, who, goaded into recklessness, teases the baby until he yells and gets spanked by his mother for being noisy. Now, why should a loose suspender-button be allowed to subject that baby to such humiliation, and who can deny that, if it had been properly sewed on by a guild, such as I have mentioned, the baby never would have been spanked for the causes mentioned? What is your answer, Mr. Whitechoker?”

“Truly, I am so breathless at your logic that I cannot reason,” said the Minister. “But haven’t we digressed a little? We were speaking of cooks, and we conclude with a pathetic little allegory about a suspender-button and a baby that is not only teased but spanked.”

“The baby could get the same spanking for reasons based on the shortcomings of the cooks,” said the Idiot. “I am irritated when I am served with green peas hard enough to batter down Gibraltar if properly aimed; when my coffee is a warmed-over reminiscence of last night’s demitasse, I leave the house in a frame of mind that bodes ill for the junior clerk, and the effect on the baby is ultimately the same.”

“And—er—you’d have the ladies whose energies are now devoted towards the clothing of the heathen come here and do the cooking?” queried the Schoolmaster.

“I leave if they do,” said the Doctor. “I have seen too much of the effects of amateur cookery in my profession to want any of it. They are good cooks in theory, but not in practice.”

“There you have it!” said the Idiot, triumphantly. “Right in a nutshell. That’s where the cooks are always weak. They have none of the theory and all of the practice. If they based practice on theory, they’d cook better. Wherefore let your theoretical cooks seek out the practical and instruct them in the principles of the culinary art. Think of what twelve ladies could do; twelve ladies trained in the sewing-circle to talk rapidly, working five hours a day apiece, could devote an hour a week to three hundred and sixty cooks, and tell them practically all they themselves know in that time; and if, in addition to this, twelve other ladies, forming an auxiliary guild, would make dresses and bonnets and things for the same cooks, instead of for the cannibals, it would keep them good-natured.”

“Splendid scheme!” said the Doctor. “So practical. Your brain must weigh half an ounce.”

“I’ve never had it weighed,” said the Idiot, “but, I fancy, it’s a good one. It’s the only one I have, anyhow, and it’s done me good service, and shows no signs of softening. But, returning to the cooks, good-nature is as essential to the making of a good cook as are apples to the making of a dumpling. You can’t associate the word dumpling with ill-nature, and just as the poet throws himself into his work, and as he is of a cheerful or a mournful disposition, so does his work appear cheerful or mournful, so do the productions of a cook take on the attributes of their maker. A dyspeptic cook will prepare food in a manner so indigestible that it were ruin to partake of it. A light-hearted cook will make light bread; a pessimistic cook will serve flour bricks in lieu thereof.”

“I think possibly you are right when you say that,” said the Doctor. “I have myself observed that the people who sing at their work do the best work.”

“But the worst singing,” growled the Schoolmaster.

“That may be true,” put in the Idiot; “but you cannot expect a cook on sixteen dollars a month to be a prima-donna. Now, if Mr. Whitechoker will undertake to start a sewing-circle in his church for people who don’t care to wear clothing, but to sow the seeds of concord and good cookery throughout the kitchens of this land, I am prepared to prophesy that at the end of the year there will be more happiness and less depression in this part of the world; and once eliminate dyspepsia from our midst, and get civilization and happiness controvertible terms, then you will find your foreign missionary funds waxing so fat that instead of the amateur garments for the heathen you now send them, you will be able to open an account at Worth’s and Poole’s for every barbarian in creation. The scheme for the sewing on of suspender-buttons and the miscellaneous mending that needs to be done for lone-lorn savages like myself might be left in abeyance until the culinary scheme has been established. Bachelors constitute a class, a small class only, of humanity, but the regeneration of cooks is a universal need.”

“I think your scheme is certainly a picturesque one and novel,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “There seems to be a good deal in it. Don’t you think so, Mr. Pedagog?”

“Yes—I do,” said Mr. Pedagog, wearily. “A great deal—of language.”

And amid the laugh at his expense which followed, the Idiot, joining in, departed.

II

A SUGGESTION FOR THE CABLE CARS

“Heigh-ho!” sighed the Idiot, rubbing his eyes sleepily. “This is a weary world.”

“What? This from you?” smiled the Poet. “I never expected to hear that plaint from a man of your cheerful disposition.”

“Humph!” said the Idiot, with difficulty repressing a yawn. “Humph! and I may add, likewise, tut! What do you take me for—an insulated sunbeam? I can’t help it if shadows camp across my horizon occasionally. I wouldn’t give a cent for the man who never had his moments of misery. It takes night to enable us to appreciate daytime. Misery is a foil necessary to the full appreciation of joy. I’m glad I am sort of down in the mouth today. I’ll be all right tomorrow, and I’ll enjoy tomorrow all the more for today’s megrim. But for the present, I repeat, this is a weary world.”

“Oh, I don’t think so,” observed the Schoolmaster. “The world doesn’t seem to me to betray any signs of weariness. It got to work at the usual hour this morning, and, as far as I can judge, has been revolving at the usual rate of speed ever since.”

“The Idiot’s mistake is a common one,” put in the Doctor. “I find it frequently in my practice.”

“That’s a confession,” retorted the Idiot. “Do you find out these mistakes in your practice before or after the death of the patient?”

“That mistake,” continued the Doctor, paying apparently little heed to the Idiot’s remark—“that mistake lies in the Idiot’s assumption that he is himself the world. He regards himself as the earth, as all of life, and, because he happens to be weary, the world is a weary one.”

“It isn’t a fatal disease, is it?” queried the Idiot, anxiously. “I am not likely to become so impressed with that idea, for instance, that I shall have to be put in a padded cell and manacled so that I may not turn perpetual handsprings under the hallucination that, being the world, it is my duty to revolve?”

“No,” replied the Doctor, with a laugh. “No, indeed. That is not at all likely to happen, but I think it would be a good idea if you were to carry the hallucination out far enough to put a cake of ice on your head, assuming that to be the north pole, and cool off that brain of yours.”

“That is a good idea,” returned the Idiot; “and if Mary will bring me the ice that was used to cool the coffee this morning, I shall be pleased to try the experiment. Meanwhile, this is a weary world.”

“Then why under the canopy don’t you leave it and go to some other world?” snapped Mr. Pedagog. “You are under no obligation to remain here. With a river on either side of the city, and a New York Juggernaut Company, Unlimited, running trolley-cars up and down two of our more prominent highways, suicide is within the reach of all. Of course, we should be sorry to lose you, in a way, but I have known men to recover from even greater afflictions than that.”

“Thank you for the suggestion,” replied the Idiot, transferring four large, porous buckwheat-cakes to his plate. “Thank you very much, but I have a pleasanter and more lingering method of suicide right here. Death by buckwheat-cakes is like being pierced by a Toledo blade. You do not realize the terrors of your situation until you cease to be susceptible to them. Furthermore, I do not believe in suicide. It is, in my judgment, the worst crime a man can commit, and I cannot but admire the remarkable discernment evinced by the Fates in making of it its own inevitable capital punishment. A man may commit murder and escape death, but in the commission of suicide he is sure of execution. Just as Virtue is its own reward, so is Suicide its own amercement.”

“Been reading the dictionary again?” asked the Poet.

“No, not exactly,” said the Idiot, with a smile, “but—it’s a kind of joke on me, I suppose—I have just been stuck, to use a polite term, on a book called Roget’s Thesaurus, and, if I want to get hold of a new word that will increase my seeming importance to the community, I turn to it. That’s where I got ‘amercement.’ I don’t hold that its use in this especial case is beyond cavil—that’s another Thesaurian term—but I don’t suppose anyone here would notice that fact. It goes here, and I shall not use it elsewhere.”

“I am interested to know how you ever came to be the owner of a Thesaurus,” said the Schoolmaster, with a grim smile at the idea of the Idiot having such a book in his possession. “Except on the score of affinities. You are both very wordy.”

“Meaning pleonastic, I presume,” retorted the Idiot.

“I beg your pardon?” said the Schoolmaster.

“Never mind,” said the Idiot. “I won’t press the analogy, but I will say that those who are themselves periphrastic should avoid criticizing others for being ambaginous.”

“I think you mean ambiguous,” said the Schoolmaster, elevating his eyebrows in triumph.

“I thought you’d think that,” retorted the Idiot. “That’s why I used the word ‘ambaginous.’ I’ll lend you my dictionary to freshen up your phraseology. Meanwhile, I’ll tell you how I happened to get a Thesaurus. I thought it was an animal, and when I saw that a New York bookseller had a lot of them marked down from two dollars to one, I sent and got one. I thought it was strange for a bookseller to be selling rare animals, but that was his business, not mine; and as I was anxious to see what kind of a creature a Thesaurus was, I invested. When I found out it was a book and not a tame relic of the antediluvian animal kingdom, I thought I wouldn’t say anything about it, but you people here are so inquisitive you’ve learned my secret.”

“And wasn’t it an animal?” asked Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog.

“My dear—my dear!” ejaculated Mr. Pedagog. “Pray—ah—I beg of you, do not enter into this discussion.”

“No, Mrs. Pedagog,” observed the Idiot, “it was not. It was nothing more than a book, which, when once you have read it, you would not be without, since it gives your vocabulary a twist which makes you proof against ninety-nine out of every one hundred conversationalists in the world, no matter how weak your cause.”

“I am beginning to understand the causes of your weariness,” observed Mr. Pedagog, acridly. “You have been memorizing syllables. Really, I should think you were in danger of phonetic prostration.”

“Not a bit of it,” said the Idiot. “Those words are stimulating, not depressing. I begin to feel better already, now that I have spoken them. I am not half so weary as I was, but for my weariness I had good cause. I suffered all night from a most frightful nightmare. It utterly destroyed my rest.”

“Welsh-rarebit?” queried the Genial Old Gentleman who occasionally imbibed, with a tone of reproach. “If so, why was I not with you?”

“That question should be its own answer,” replied the Idiot. “A man who will eat a Welsh-rarebit alone is not only a person of a sullen disposition, but of reckless mold as well. I would no sooner think of braving a Welsh-rarebit unaccompanied than I would think of trying to swim across the British Channel without a lifesaving boat following in my wake.”

“I question if so light a body as you could have a wake!” said Mr. Pedagog, coldly.

“I am sorry, but I can’t agree with you, Mr. Pedagog,” said the Bibliomaniac. “A tugboat, most insignificant of crafts, roils up the surface of the sea more than an ocean steamer does. Fuss goes with feathers more than with large bodies.”

“Well, they’re neither of ’em in it with a cake of soap for real, bona fide suds,” said the Idiot, complacently, as he helped himself to his thirteenth buckwheat-cake. “However, wakes have nothing to do with the case. I had a most frightful dream, and it was not due to Welsh-rarebits, but to my fatal weakness, which, not having my Thesaurus at hand, I must identify by the commonplace term of courtesy. You may not have noticed it, but courtesy is my strong point.”

“We haven’t observed the fact,” said Mr. Pedagog; “but what of it? Have you been courteous to anyone?”

“I have,” replied the Idiot, “and a nightmare is what it brought me. I rode uptown on a trolley-car last night, and I gave up my seat to sixteen ladies, two of whom, by-the-way, thanked me.”

“I don’t see why more than one of them should thank you,” sniffed the landlady. “If a man gives up a trolley-car seat to sixteen ladies, only one of them can occupy it.”

“I stand corrected,” said the Idiot. “I gave up a seat to ladies sixteen times between City Hall and Twenty-third Street. I can’t bring myself to sit down while a woman stands, and every time I’d get a seat some woman would get on the car. Hence it was that I gave up my seat to sixteen ladies. Why two of them should thank me, considering the rules, I do not know. It certainly is not the custom. At any rate, if I had walked uptown, I should not have had more exercise than I got on that car, bobbing up and down so many times, and lurching here and lurching there every time the car stopped, started, or turned a corner. Whether it was the thanks or the lurching I got, I don’t know, but the incidents of the ride were so strongly impressed upon me that I dreamed all night, only in my dreams I was not giving up car seats. The first seat I gave up to a woman in the dream was an eighty-thousand-dollar seat in the Stock Exchange. It was expensive courtesy, but I did it, and mourned so over the result that I waked up and discovered that it was but a dream. Then I went to sleep again. This time I was at the opera. I had the best seat in the house, when in came a woman who hadn’t a chair. Same result. I got up. She sat down, and I had to stand behind a pillar where I could neither see nor hear. More grief; waked up again, more tired than when I went to bed. In ten minutes I dozed off. Found myself an ambitious statesman running for the Presidency. Was elected and inaugurated. Up comes a Woman’s Rights candidate. More courtesy. Gave up the Presidential chair to her and went home to obscurity, when again I awoke tireder than ever. Clock struck four. Fell asleep again. This time I was prepared for anything that might happen. I found myself in a trolley-car, but with me I had a perforated chair-bottom, such as the street peddlers sell. Lady got aboard. I put the perforated chair-bottom on my lap and invited her to sit down. She thanked me and did so. Then another lady got on. The lady on my lap moved up and made room for the second lady. She sat down. Between them they must have weighed three hundred pounds. I could have stood that, but as time went on more ladies got aboard, and every time that happened these first-comers would move up and make room for them. How they did it I can’t say, any more than I can say how in real life three women can find room in a car-seat vacated by a little child. They did the former just as they do the latter, until finally I found myself flattened into the original bench like the pattern figure of a carpet. I felt like an intaglio; thirty women by actual count were pressing me to remain, as it were, but the worst of it all was they none of them seemed to live anywhere. We rode on and on and on, but nobody got off. I tried to move—and couldn’t. We passed my corner, but there I was fixed. I couldn’t breathe, and so couldn’t call out, and I verily believe that if I hadn’t finally waked up I should by this time have reached Hong-Kong, for I have a distinct recollection of passing through Chicago, Denver, San Francisco, and Honolulu. Finally, I did wake, however, simply worn out with my night’s rest, which, gentlemen, is why I say, as I have already said, this is a weary world.”

“Well, I don’t blame you,” said Mr. Whitechoker, kindly. “That was a most remarkable dream.”

“Yes,” assented Mr. Pedagog. “But quite in line with his waking thoughts.”

“Very likely,” said the Idiot, rising and preparing to depart. “It was absurd in most of its features, but in one of them it was excellent. I am going to see the president of the Electric Juggernaut Company, as you call it, in regard to it today. I think there is money in that idea of having an extra chair-seat for every passenger to hold in his lap. In that way twice as many seated passengers can be accommodated, and countless people with tender feet will be spared the pain of having other wayfarers standing upon them.”

III

THE TRANSATLANTIC TROLLEY COMPANY

“If I were a millionaire,” began the Idiot one Sunday morning, as he and his friends took their accustomed seats at the breakfast-table, “I would devote a tenth of my income to the poor, a tenth to children’s fresh-air funds, and the balance to the education through travel of a dear and intimate friend of mine.”

“That would be a generous distribution of your wealth,” said Mr. Whitechoker, graciously. “But upon what would you live yourself?”

“I should stipulate in the bargain with my dear and intimate friend that we should be inseparable; that wherever he should go I should go, and that, of the funds devoted to his education through travel, one-half should be paid to me as my commission for letting him into a good thing.”

“You certainly have good business sense,” put in the Bibliomaniac. “I wish I had had when I was collecting rare editions.”

“Collecting rare books and a good business sense seldom go together, I fancy,” said the Idiot. “I began collecting books once, but I gave it up and took to collecting coins. I chose my coin and devoted my time to getting in that variety alone, and it has paid me.”

“I don’t exactly gather your meaning,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “You chose your coin?”

“Precisely. I said, ‘Here! Most coin collectors spend their time looking for one or two rare coins, for which, when they are found, they pay fabulous prices. The result is oftentimes penury. I, on the other hand, will look for coins of a common sort which do not command fabulous prices.’ So I chose United States five-dollar gold pieces, irrespective of dates, for my collection, and the result is moderate affluence. I have between sixty and a hundred of them at my savings-bank, and when I have found it necessary to realize on them I have not experienced the slightest difficulty in forcing them back into circulation at cost.”

“You are a wise Idiot,” said the Bibliomaniac, settling back in his chair in a disgusted, tired sort of way. He had expected some sympathy from the Idiot as a fellow-collector, even though their aims were different. It is always difficult for a man whose ten-thousand-dollar library has brought six hundred dollars in the auction-room to find, even in the ranks of collectors, one who understands his woes and helps him bear the burden thereof by expressions of confidence in his sanity.

“Then you believe in travel, do you?” asked the Doctor.

“I believe there is nothing broadens the mind so much,” returned the Idiot.

“But do you believe it will develop a mind where there isn’t one?” asked the Schoolmaster, unpleasantly. “Or, to put it more favorably, don’t you think there would be danger in taking the germ of a mind in a small head and broadening it until it runs the risk of finding itself confined to cramped quarters?”

“That is a question for a physician to answer,” said the Idiot. “But, if I were you, I wouldn’t travel if I thought there was any such danger.”

“Tu quoque,” retorted the Schoolmaster, “is not true repartee.”

“I shall have to take your word for that,” returned the Idiot, “since I have not a Latin dictionary with me, and all the Latin I know is to be found in the quotations in the back of my dictionary, like ‘Status quo ante,’ ‘In vino veritas,’ and ‘Et tu, Brute.’ However, as I said before, I’d like to travel, and I would if it were not that the sea and I are not on very good terms with each other. It makes me ill to cross the East River on the bridge, I’m so susceptible to seasickness.”

“You’d get over that in a very few days,” said the Genial Old Gentleman who occasionally imbibed. “I have crossed the ocean a dozen times, and I’m never seasick after the third day out.”

“Ah, but those three days!” said the Idiot. “They must resemble the three days of grace on a note that you know you couldn’t pay if you had three years of grace. I couldn’t stand them, I am afraid. Why, only last summer I took a drive off in the country, and the motion of the wagon going over the thank-ye-marms in the road made me so seasick before I’d gone a mile that I wanted to lie down and die. I think I should have done so if the horse hadn’t run away and forced me to ride back home whether I wanted to or not.”

“You ought to fight that,” said the Doctor. “By-and-by, if you give way to a weakness of that sort, the creases in your morning newspaper will affect you similarly as you read it. If you ever have a birthday, let us know, and we’ll help you to overcome the tendency by buying you a baby-jumper for you to swing around in every morning until you get used to the motion.”

“It would be more to the purpose,” replied the Idiot, “if you as a physician would invent a preventive of seasickness. I’d buy a bottle and go abroad at once on my coin collection if you would guarantee it to kill or to cure instantaneously.”

“There is such a nostrum,” said the Doctor.

“There is, indeed,” put in the Genial Old Gentleman who occasionally imbibes. “I’ve tried it.”

“And were you seasick?” asked the Doctor.

“I never knew,” replied the Genial Old Gentleman. “It made me so ill that I never thought to inquire what was the matter with me. But one thing is certain, I’ll take my sea-voyages straight after this.”

“I’d like to go by rail,” said the Idiot, after a moment’s thought.

“That is a desire quite characteristic of you,” said the Schoolmaster. “It is so probable that you could. Why not say that you’d like to cross the Atlantic on a tight-rope?”

“Because I have no such ambition,” replied the Idiot. “Though it might be fun if the tight-rope were a trolley-wire, and one could sit comfortably in a spacious cab while speeding over the water. I should think that would be exhilarating enough. Just imagine how fine it would be on a stormy day to sit looking out of your cab-window far above the surface of the raging and impotent sea, skipping along at electric speed, and daring the waves to do their worst—that would be bliss.”

“And so practical,” growled the Bibliomaniac.

“Bliss rarely is practical,” said the Idiot. “Bliss is a sort of mugwump blessing—too full of the ideal and too barren in practicability.”

“Well,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “I don’t know why we should say that trolley-cars between New York and London never can be. If we had told our grandfathers a hundred years ago that a cable for the transmission of news could be laid under the sea, they would have laughed us to scorn.”

“That’s true,” said the Schoolmaster. “But we know more than our grandfathers did.”

“Well, rather,” interrupted the Idiot. “My great-grandfather, who died in 1799, had never even heard of Andrew Jackson, and if you had asked him what he thought of Darwin, he’d have thought you were guying him.”

“Respect for age, sir,” retorted Mr. Pedagog, “restrains me from characterizing your great-grandfather, if, as you intimate, he knew less than you do. However, apart from the comparative lack of knowledge in the Idiot’s family, Mr. Whitechoker, you must remember that with the advance of the centuries we have ourselves developed a certain amount of brains—enough, at least, to understand that there is a limit even to the possibilities of electricity. Now, when you say that just because an Atlantic cable would have been regarded as an object of derision in the eighteenth century, we should not deride one who suggests the possibility of a marine trolley-road between London and New York in the twentieth century, it appears to me that you are talking—er—talking—I don’t like to say nonsense to one of your cloth, but—”

“Through his hat is the idiom you are trying to recall, I think, Mr. Pedagog,” said the Idiot. “Mr. Whitechoker is talking through his hat is what you mean to say?”

“I beg your pardon, Mr. Idiot,” said the Schoolmaster; “but when I find that I need your assistance in framing my conversation, I shall—er—I shall give up talking. I mean to say that I do not think Mr. Whitechoker can justify his conclusions, and talks without having given the subject concerning which he has spoken due reflection. The cable runs along the solid foundation of the bed of the sea. It is a simple matter, comparatively, but a trolley-wire stretched across the ocean by the simplest rules of gravitation could not be made to stay up.”

“No doubt you are correct,” said Mr. Whitechoker, meekly. “I did not mean that I expected ever to see a trolley-road across the sea, but I did mean to say that man has made such wonderful advances in the past hundred years that we cannot really state the limit of his possibilities. It is manifest that no one today can devise a plan by means of which such a wire could be carried, but—”

“I fear you gentlemen would starve as inventors,” said the Idiot. “What’s the matter with balloons?”

“Balloons for what?” retorted Mr. Pedagog.

“For holding up the trolley-wires,” replied the Idiot. “It is perfectly feasible. Fasten the ends of your wire in London and New York, and from coast to coast station two lines of sufficient strength to keep the wire raised as far above the level of the sea as you require. That’s simple enough.”

“And what, pray, in this frenzy of the elements, this raging storm of which you have spoken,” said Mr. Pedagog, impatiently—“what would then keep your balloons from blowing away?”

“The trolley-wire, of course,” said the Idiot. Mr. Pedagog lapsed into a hopelessly wrathful silence for a moment, and then he said:

“Well, I sincerely hope your plan is adopted, and that the promoters will make you superintendent, with an office in the mid-ocean balloon.”

“Thanks for your good wishes, Mr. Pedagog,” the Idiot answered. “If they are realized I shall remember them, and show my gratitude to you by using my influence to have you put in charge of the gas service. Meantime, however, it seems to me that our ocean steamships could be developed along logical lines so that the trip from New York to Liverpool could be made in a very much shorter period of time than is now required.”

“We are getting back to the common-sense again,” said the Bibliomaniac. “That is a proposition to which I agree. Ten years ago eight days was considered a good trip. With the development of the twin-screw steamer the time has been reduced to approximately six days.”

“Or a saving, really, of two days because of the extra screw,” said the Idiot.

“Precisely,” observed the Bibliomaniac.

“So that, provided there are extra screws enough, there isn’t any reason why the trip should not be made in two or three hours.”

“Ah—what was that?” said the Bibliomaniac. “I don’t exactly follow you.”

“One extra screw, you say, has saved two days?”

“Yes.”

“Then two extra screws would save four days, three would save six days, and five extra screws would send the boat over in approximately no time,” said the Idiot. “So, if it takes a man two hours to succumb to seasickness, a boat going over in less than that time would eliminate seasickness; more people would go; boats could run every hour, and Mr. Whitechoker could have a European trip every week without deserting his congregation.”

“Inestimable boon!” cried Mr. Whitechoker, with a laugh.

“Wouldn’t it be!” said the Idiot. “Unless I change my mind, I think I shall stay in this country until this style of greyhound is perfected. Then, gentlemen, I shall tear myself away from you, and seek knowledge in foreign pastures.”

“Well, I am sure,” said Mr. Pedagog—“I am sure that we all hope you will change your mind.”

“Then you want me to go abroad?” said the Idiot.

“No,” said Mr. Pedagog. “No—not so much that as that we feel if you were to change your mind the change could not fail to be for the better. A mind like yours ought to be changed.”

“Well, I don’t know,” said the Idiot. “I suppose it would be a good thing if I broke it up into smaller denominations, but I’ve had it so long that I have become attached to it; but there is one thing about it, there is plenty of it, so that in case any of you gentlemen find your own insufficient I shall be only too happy to give you a piece of it without charge. Meanwhile, if Mrs. Pedagog will kindly let me have my bill for last week, I’ll be obliged.”

“It won’t be ready until tomorrow, Mr. Idiot,” said the landlady, in surprise.

“I’m sorry,” said the Idiot, rising. “My scribbling-paper has run out. I wanted to put in this morning writing a poem on the back of it.”

“A poem? What about?” said Mr. Pedagog, with an irritating chuckle.

“It was to be a triolet on Omniscience,” said the Idiot. “And, strange to say, sir, you were to be the hero, if by any possibility I could squeeze you into a French form.”

IV

THE INCORPORATION OF THE IDIOT

“How is business these days, Mr. Idiot?” asked the Poet, as the one addressed laid down the morning paper with a careworn expression on his face. “Good, I hope?”

“Fair, only,” replied the Idiot. “My honored employer was quite blue about things yesterday, and if I hadn’t staved him off I think he’d have proposed swapping places with me. He has said quite often of late that I had the best of it, because all I had to earn was my salary, whereas he had to earn my salary and his own living besides. I offered to give him ten percent of my salary for ten percent of his living, but he said he guessed he wouldn’t, adding that I seemed to be as great an Idiot as ever.”

“I fancy he was right there,” said Mr. Pedagog. “I should really like to know how a man of your peculiar mental construction can be of the slightest practical value to a banker. I ask the question in all kindness, too, meaning to cast no reflections whatever upon either you or your employer. You are a roaring success in your own line, which is all anyone could ask of you.”

“There’s hominy for you, as the darky said to the hotel guest,” returned the Idiot. “Any person who says that discord exists at this table doesn’t know what he is talking about. Even the oil and the vinegar mix in the caster—that is, I judge they do from the oleaginous appearance of the vinegar. But I am very useful to my employer, Mr. Pedagog. He says frequently that he wouldn’t know what not to do if it were not for me.”

“Aren’t you losing control of your tongue?” queried the Bibliomaniac, looking at the Idiot in wonderment. “Don’t you mean that he says he wouldn’t know what to do if it were not for you?”

“No, I don’t,” said the Idiot. “I never lose control of my tongue. I meant exactly what I said. Mr. Barlow told me, in so many words, that if it were not for me he wouldn’t know what not to do. He calls me his Back Action Patent Reversible Counselor. If he is puzzled over an intricate point he sends for me and says: ‘Such and such a thing being the case, Mr. Idiot, what would you do? Don’t think about it, but tell me on impulse. Your thoughtless opinions are worth more to me than I can tell you.’ So I tell him on impulse just what I should do, whereupon he does the other thing, and comes out ahead in nine cases out of ten.”

“And you confess it, eh?” said the Doctor, with a curve on his lip.

“I certainly do,” said the Idiot. “The world must take me for what I am. I’m not going to be one thing for myself, and build up a fictitious Idiot for the world. The world calls you men of pretense conceited, whereas, by pretending to be something that you are not, you give to the world what I should call convincing evidence that you are not at all conceited, but rather somewhat ashamed of what you know yourselves to be. Now, I rather believe in conceit—real honest pride in yourself as you know yourself to be. I am an Idiot, and it is my ambition to be a perfect Idiot. If I had been born a jackass, I should have endeavored to be a perfect jackass.”

“You’d have found it easy,” said Mr. Pedagog, dryly.

“Would I?” said the Idiot. “I’ll have to take your word for it, sir, for I have never been a jackass, and so cannot form an opinion on the subject.”

“Pride goeth before a fall,” said Mr. Whitechoker, seeing a chance to work in a moral reflection.

“Exactly,” said the Idiot. “Wherefore I admire pride. It is a danger signal that enables man to avoid the fall. If Adam had had any pride he’d never have fallen—but speaking about my controlling my tongue, it is not entirely out of the range of possibilities that I shall lose control of myself.”

“I expected that, sooner or later,” said the Doctor. “Is it to be Bloomingdale or a private madhouse you are going to?”

“Neither,” replied the Idiot, calmly. “I shall stay here. For, as the poet says,

“’Tis best to bear the ills we hov

Nor fly to those we know not of.’”

“Ho!” jeered the Poet. “I must confess, my dear Idiot, that I do not think you are a success in quotation. Hamlet spoke those lines differently.”

“Shakespeare’s Hamlet did. My little personal Shakespeare makes his Hamlet an entirely different, less stilted sort of person,” said the Idiot.

“You have a personal Shakespeare, have you?” queried the Bibliomaniac.

“Of course I have,” the Idiot answered. “Haven’t you?”

“I have not,” said the Bibliomaniac, shortly.

“Well, I’m sorry for you then,” sighed the Idiot, putting a fried potato in his mouth. “Very sorry. I wouldn’t give a cent for another man’s ideals. I want my own ideals, and I have my own ideal of Shakespeare. In fancy, Shakespeare and I have roamed over the fields of Warwickshire together, and I’ve had more fun imagining the kind of things he and I would have said to each other than I ever got out of his published plays, few of which have escaped the ungentle hands of the devastators.”

“You mean commentators, I imagine,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“I do,” said the Idiot. “It’s all the same, whether you call them commentors or devastators. The result is the same. New editions of Shakespeare are issued every year, and people buy them to see not what Shakespeare has written, but what new quip some opinionated devastator has tried to fasten on his memory. In a hundred years from now the works of Shakespeare will differ as much from what they are today as today’s versions differ from what they were when Shakespeare wrote them. It’s mighty discouraging to one like myself who would like to write works.”

“You are convicted out of your own mouth,” said the Bibliomaniac. “A moment since you wasted your pity on me because I didn’t mutilate Shakespeare so as to make him my own, and now you attack the commentators for doing precisely the same thing. They’re as much entitled to their opinions as you are to yours.”

“Did you ever learn to draw parallels when you were in school?” asked the Idiot.

“I did, and I think I’ve made a perfect parallel in this case. You attack people in one breath for what you commiserate me for not doing in another,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“Not exactly,” said the Idiot. “I don’t object to the commentators for commentating, but I do object to their putting out their versions of Shakespeare as Shakespeare. I might as well have my edition published. It certainly would be popular, especially where, in ‘Julius Caesar,’ I introduce five Cassiuses and have them all fall on their swords together with military precision, like a ‘Florodora’ sextette, for instance.”

“Well, I hope you’ll never print such an atrocity as that,” cried the Bibliomaniac, hotly. “If there’s one thing in literature without excuse and utterly contemptible it is the comic version, the parody of a masterpiece.”

“You need have no fear on that score,” returned the Idiot. “I haven’t time to rewrite Shakespeare, and, since I try never to stop short of absolute completeness, I shall not embark on the enterprise. If I do, however, I shall not do as the commentators do, and put on my title-page ‘Shakespeare. Edited by Willie Wilkins,’ but ‘Shakespeare As He Might Have Been, Had His Plays Been Written By An Idiot.’”

“I have no doubt that you could do great work with ‘Hamlet,’” observed the Poet.

“I think so myself,” said the Idiot. “But I shall never write ‘Hamlet.’ I don’t want to have my fair fame exposed to the merciless hands of the devastators.”

“I shall never cease to regret,” said Mr. Pedagog, after a moment’s thought, “that you are so timid. I should very much like to see ‘The Works of the Idiot.’ I admit that my desire is more or less a morbid one. It is quite on a plane with the feeling that prompts me to wish to see that unfortunate man on the Bowery who exhibits his forehead, which is sixteen inches high, beginning with his eyebrows, for a dime. The strange, the bizarre in nature, has always interested me. The more unnatural the nature, the more I gloat upon it. From that point of view I do most earnestly hope that when you are inspired with a work you will let me at least see it.”

“Very well,” answered the Idiot. “I shall put your name down as a subscriber to the Idiot Monthly Magazine, which some of my friends contemplate publishing. That is what I mean when I say I may shortly lose control of myself. These friends of mine profess to have been so impressed by my dicta that they have asked me if I would allow myself to be incorporated into a stock company, the object of which should be to transform my personality into printed pages. Hardly a day goes by but I devote a portion of my time to a poem in which the thought is conspicuous either by its absence or its presence. My schemes for the amelioration of the condition of the civilized are notorious among those who know me; my views on current topics are eagerly sought for; my business instinct, as I have already told you, is invaluable to my employer, and my fiction is unsurpassed in its fictitiousness. What more is needed for a magazine? You have the poetry, the philanthropy, the man of today, the fictitiousness, and the business instinct necessary for the successful modern magazine all concentrated in one person. Why not publish that person, say my friends, and I, feeling as I do that no man has a right to the selfish enjoyment of the great gifts nature has bestowed upon him, of course can only agree. I am to be incorporated with a capital stock of five hundred thousand dollars. One hundred thousand dollars’ worth of myself I am to be permitted to retain; the rest my friends will subscribe for at fifty cents on the dollar. If any of you want shares in the enterprise I have no doubt you can be accommodated.”

“I’m obliged to you for the opportunity,” said the Doctor. “But I have to be very careful about things I take stock in, and in general I regard you as a thing in which I should prefer not to take stock.”

“And I,” observed Mr. Pedagog—“I have never up to this time taken any stock in you, and I make it a rule to be guided in life by precedent. Therefore I must be counted out.”

“I’ll wait until you are listed at the Stock Exchange,” put in the Bibliomaniac, “while thanking you just the same for the chance.”

“You can put me down for one share, to be paid for in poetry,” said the Poet, with a wink at the Idiot.

“You’ll never make good,” said the Idiot, slyly.

“And I,” said the Genial Old Gentleman who occasionally imbibes, “shall be most happy to take five shares to be paid for in advice and highballs. Moreover, if your company needs good-will to establish its enterprise, you may count upon me for unlimited credit.”

“Oh, as for that,” said the Idiot, “I have plenty of good-will. Even Mr. Pedagog supplies me with more of it than I deserve, though by no means with all that I desire.”

“That good-will is yours as an individual, Mr. Idiot,” returned the Schoolmaster. “As a corporation, however, I cannot permit you to trade upon me even for that. Your value is, in my eyes, entirely too fluctuating.”

“And it is in the fluctuating stock that the great fortunes are made, Mr. Pedagog,” said the Idiot. “As an individual I appreciate your good-will. As a corporation I am soulless, without emotions, and so cherish no disappointments over your refusal. I think if the scheme goes through it will be successful, and I fully expect to see the day when Idiot Preferred will be selling as high, if not higher, than Steel, and leaving utterly behind any other industrial that ever was known, copper or rope.”

“If, like the railways, you could issue betterment bonds you might do very well,” said the Doctor. “I think ten million dollars spent in bettering you might bring you up to par.”

“Or a consolidated first-mortgage bond,” remarked the Bibliomaniac. “Consolidate the Idiot with a man like Chamberlain or the German Emperor, and issue a five-million-dollar mortgage on the result, and you might find people who’d take those bonds at seventy-five.”

“You might if they were a dollar bond printed on cartridge-paper,” said Mr. Pedagog. “Then purchasers could paper their walls with them.”

“Rail on,” said the Idiot. “I can stand it. When I begin paying quarterly dividends at a ten-per-cent. rate you’ll wish you had come in.”

“I don’t know about that,” said Mr. Pedagog. “It would entirely depend.”

“On what?” queried the Idiot, unwarily.

“On whether that ten percent was declared upon your own estimate of your value or upon ours. On yours it would be fabulous; on ours—oh, well, what is the use of saying anything more about it. We are not going in it, and that’s an end to it.”

“Well, I’ll go in it if you change your scheme,” said the Doctor. “If instead of an Idiot Publishing Company you will try to float yourself as a Consolidated Gas Company you may count on me to take a controlling interest.”

“I will submit the proposition to my friends,” said the Idiot, calmly. “It would be something to turn out an honest gas company, which I should, of course, try to be, but I am afraid the public will not accept it. There is little demand for laughing-gas, and, besides, they would fear to intrust you with a controlling interest for fear that you might blow the product out and the bills up—coining millions by mere inflation. They’ve heard of you, Doctor, and they know that is the sort of thing you’d be likely to do.”

V

UNIVERSITY EXTENSION

“I was surprised and gratified last evening, Mr. Idiot,” observed the Schoolmaster as breakfast was served, “to see you at the University Extension Lecture. I did not know that you admitted the necessity of further instruction in any matter pertaining to human knowledge.”

“I don’t know that I do admit the necessity,” returned the Idiot. “Sometimes when I take an inventory of the contents of my mind it seems to me that about everything I need is there.”

“There you go again!” said the Bibliomaniac. “Why do you persist in your refusal to allow anyone to get a favorable impression concerning you? Mr. Pedagog unbends sufficiently to tell you that you have at last done something which he can commend, and you greet him with an Idiotism which is practically a rebuff.”

“Very well said,” observed the Schoolmaster, with an acquiescent nod. “I came to this table this morning encouraged to believe that this young man was beginning to see the error of his ways, and I must confess to a great enough interest in him to say that I was pleased at that encouragement. I saw him at a lecture on literature at the Lyceum Hall last evening, and he appeared to be interested, and yet this morning he seems to show that he is utterly incorrigible. May I ask, sir, why you attended that lecture if, as you say, your mind is already sufficiently well furnished?”

“Certainly you may ask that question,” replied the Idiot. “I went to that lecture to have my impressions confirmed, that is all. I have certain well-defined notions concerning University Extension, and I wished to see if they were correct. I found that they were.”

“The lecture was not upon University Extension, but upon Romanticism, and it was a most able discourse,” retorted Mr. Pedagog.

“Very likely,” said the Idiot. “I did not hear it. I did not want to hear it. I have my own ideas concerning Romanticism, which do not need confirmation or correction. I have already confirmed and corrected them. I went to see the audience and not to hear Professor Peterkin exploding theories.”

“It is a pity the chair you occupied was wasted upon you,” snapped Mr. Pedagog.

“I agree with you,” said the Idiot. “I could have got a much better view of the audience if I had been permitted to sit on the stage, but Professor Peterkin needed all that for his gestures. However, I saw enough from where I sat to confirm my impression that University Extension is not so much of a public benefit as a social fad. There was hardly a soul in the audience who could not have got all that Professor Peterkin had to tell him out of his books; there was hardly a soul in the audience who could not have afforded to pay one dollar at least for the seat he occupied; there was not a soul in the audience who had paid more than ten cents for his seat or her seat, and those for whose benefit the lecture was presumably given, the ten-cent people, were crowded out. The lectures themselves are not instructive—Professor Peterkin’s particularly—except in so far as it is instructive to hear what Professor Peterkin thinks on this or that subject, and his desire to be original forces him to cook up views which no one else ever held, with the result that what he says is most interesting and proper to be presented to the attention of a discriminating audience, but not proper to be presented to an audience that is supposed to come there to receive instruction.”

“You have just said that you did not listen to the lecture. How do you know that what you say is true?” put in the Bibliomaniac.

“I know Professor Peterkin,” said the Idiot.

“Does he know you?” sneered Mr. Pedagog.

“I don’t think he would remember me if you should speak my name in his presence,” observed the Idiot, calmly. “But that is easily accounted for. The Professor never remembers anybody but himself.”

“Well, I admit,” said Mr. Pedagog, “that the Professor’s lectures were rather advanced for the comprehension of a person like the Idiot, nevertheless it was an enjoyable occasion, and I doubt if the fulminations of our friend here will avail against University Extension.”

“You speak a sad truth,” said the Idiot. “Social fads are impervious to fulmination, as Solomon might have said had he thought of it. As long as a thing is a social fad it will thrive, and, on the whole, perhaps it ought to thrive. Anything which gives society something to think about has its value, and the mere fact that it makes society think is proof of that value.”

“We seem to be in a philosophic frame of mind this morning,” said Mr. Whitechoker.

“We are,” returned the Idiot. “That’s one thing about University Extension. It makes us philosophic. It has made a stoic of my dear old daddy.”

“Oh yes!” cried Mr. Pedagog. “You have a father, haven’t you? I had forgotten that.”

“Wherein,” said the Idiot, “we differ. I haven’t forgotten that I have one, and, by-the-way, it is from him that I first heard of University Extension. He lives in a small manufacturing town not many miles from here, and is distinguished in the town because, without being stingy, he lives within his means. He has a way of paying his grocer’s bills which makes of him a marked man. He hasn’t much more money than he needs, but when the University Extension movement reached the town he was interested. The prime movers in the enterprise went to him and asked him if he wouldn’t help it along, dilating upon the benefits which would accrue to those whose education stopped short with graduation from the high-schools. It was most plausible. The notion that for ten cents a lecture the working masses could learn something about art, history, and letters, could gather in something about the sciences, and all that, appealed to him, and while he could afford it much more ill than the smart people, the four hundred of the town, he chipped in. He paid fifty dollars and was made an honorary manager. He was proud enough of it, too, and he wrote a long, enthusiastic letter to me about it. It was a great thing, and he hoped the State, which had been appealed to to help the movement along, would take a hand in it. ‘If we educate the masses to understand and to appreciate the artistic, the beautiful,’ he wrote, ‘we need have little fear for the future. Ignorance is the greatest foe we have to contend against in our national development, and it is the only thing that can overthrow a nation such as ours is.’ And then what happened? Professor Peterkin came along and delivered ten or a dozen lectures. The masses went once or twice and found the platform occupied by a man who talked to them about Romanticism and Realism; who told them that Dickens was trash; who exalted Tolstoi and Ibsen; but who never let them into the secret of what Romanticism was, and who kept them equally in the dark as to the significance of Realism. They also found the best seats in the lecture-hall occupied by the smart set in full evening-dress, who talked almost as much and as loudly as did Professor Peterkin. The masses did not even learn manners at Professor Peterkin’s first and second lectures, and the third and fourth found them conspicuous by their absence. All they learned was that they were ignorant, and that other people were better than they, and what my father learned was that he had subscribed fifty dollars to promote a series of social functions for the diversion of the four hundred and the aggrandizement of Professor Peterkin. He started in for what might be called Romanticism, and he got a Realism that he did not like in less time than it takes to tell of it, and today in that town University Extension is such a fad that when, some weeks ago, the swell club of that place talked of appointing Thursday evening as its club night, it was found to be impossible, for the reason that it might interfere with the attendance upon the University Extension lectures. That, Mr. Pedagog, is a matter of history and can be proven, and last night’s audience confirmed the impression which I had formed from what my father had told me. Professor Peterkin’s lectures are interesting to you, a schoolmaster, but they are pure Greek to me, who would like to know more about letters. I would gather more instruction from your table-talk in an hour than I could from Professor Peterkin’s whole course.”

“You flatter me,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“No,” returned the Idiot. “If you knew how little the ignorant gain from Peterkin you would not necessarily call it flattery if one should say he learned more from your conversation over a griddle-cake.”

“You misconceive the whole situation, I think, nevertheless,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “As I understand it, supplementary lectures, and examinations based on them, are held after the lectures, when the practical instruction is given with great thoroughness.”

“I’m glad you spoke of that,” said the Idiot. “I had forgotten that part of it. Professor Peterkin received pay for his lectures, which dealt in theories only; plain Mr. Barton, who delivered the supplementary lectures, got nothing. Professor Peterkin taught nothing, but he represented University Extension. Plain Mr. Barton did the work and represented nothing. Both reached society. Neither reached the masses. In my native town plain Mr. Barton’s supplementary lectures, which were simply an effort to unravel the Peterkin complications, were attended by the same people in smaller crowds—people of social standing who were curious enough to devote an hour a week to an endeavor to find out the meaning of what Professor Peterkin had told them at the function the week before. The students examined were mostly ladies, and I happen to know that in a large proportion they were ladies whose husbands could have afforded to pay Professor Peterkin his salary ten times over as a private tutor.”

“As I look at it,” said Mr. Pedagog, gravely, “it does not make much difference to whom your instruction is given, so long as it instructs. What if these lectures do interest those who are comparatively well off? Your society woman may be as much in need of an extended education as your factory girl. The University Extension idea is to convey knowledge to people who would not otherwise get it. It simply sets out to improve minds. If the social mind needs improvement, why not improve it? Why condemn a system because it does not discriminate in the minds selected for improvement?”

“I don’t condemn a system which sets out to improve minds irrespective of conditions,” replied the Idiot. “But I should most assuredly condemn a man, or a set of men, who induced me to subscribe to a bread fund for the poor and who afterwards expended that money on cream-cakes for the Czar of Russia. The fact that the Czar of Russia wanted the cream-cakes and was willing to accept them would not affect my feelings in the matter, though I have no doubt the people in charge of the fund would find themselves far more conspicuous for having departed from the original idea. Some of them might be knighted for it if the Czar happened to be passionately fond of cream-cakes.”

“Then, having attacked this system, what would you have? Would you have University Extension stop?” asked the Bibliomaniac.

“Not at all,” returned the Idiot. “Anything which can educate society is a good thing, but I should change the name of it from University Extension to Social Expansion, and I should compel those whose minds were broadened by it to pay the bills.”

“But as yet you have failed to hit the nail on the head,” persisted the Bibliomaniac. “The masses can attend these lectures if they wish to, and on your own statement they don’t. You don’t seem to consider that point, or, if you do, you don’t meet it.”

“I don’t think it necessary to meet it,” said the Idiot. “Though I will say that if you were one of the masses—a girl, say, with one dress, threadbare, poor, and ill-fitting, and possessed of a natural bit of pride—you would find little pleasure in attending a lecture your previous education does not permit of your comprehending, and sitting through an evening with a lot of finely dressed, smart folk, with their backs turned towards you. The plebeians have some pride, my dear Bibliomaniac, and they are decidedly averse to mixing with the swells. They would like to be educated, but they don’t care to be snubbed for the privilege of being mystified by a man like Professor Peterkin, even for so small a sum as ten cents an evening.”

VI

SOCIAL EXPANSION

“We were talking about University Extension the other day, Mr. Pedagog,” said the Idiot, as the Schoolmaster folded up the newspaper and put it in his pocket, “and I, as you remember, suggested that it might better be called Social Expansion.”

“Did you?” said Mr. Pedagog, coldly. “I don’t remember much about it. I rarely make a note of anything you may say.”

“Well, I did suggest the change of name, whether your memory is retentive or not, and I have been thinking the matter over a good deal since, and I think I’ve got hold of an idea,” returned the Idiot.

“In that case,” said the Bibliomaniac, “we would better lock the door. If you have really got hold of an idea you should be very careful not to let it get away from you.”

“No danger of that,” said the Idiot, with a smile. “I have it securely locked up here,” tapping his forehead.

“It must be lonesome,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“And rather uncomfortable—if it is a real idea,” observed the Doctor. “An idea in the Idiot’s mind must feel somewhat as a tall, stout Irish maid feels when she goes to her bedroom in one of those Harlem flat-houses.”

“You men are losing a great opportunity,” said the Idiot, with a scornful glance at the three professional gentlemen. “The idea of your following the professions of pedagogy, medicine, and literature, when the three of you combined could make a fortune as an incarnate comic paper. I don’t see why you don’t make a combination like those German bands that play on the street corners, and go about from door to door, and crack your jokes just as they crack their music. I am sure you’d take, particularly in front of barbershops.”

“It would be hard on the comic papers,” said the Poet, who was getting a little unpopular with his fellow-boarders because of his tendency, recently developed, to take the Idiot’s part in the breakfast-table discussions. “They might be so successful that the barbershops, instead of taking the comic papers for their customers to read, would employ one or more of them to sit in the middle of the room and crack jokes aloud.”

“We couldn’t rival the comic papers though,” said the Doctor, wishing to save his dignity by taking the bull by the horns. “We might do the jokes well enough, but the comic papers are chiefly pictorial.”

“You’d be pictorial enough,” said the Idiot. “Wasn’t it you, Mr. Pedagog, that said the Doctor here looked like one of Cruikshank’s physicians, or as if he had stepped out of Dickens’s pages, or something like it?”

“I never said anything of the sort!” cried the Schoolmaster, wrathfully; “and you know I didn’t.”

“Who was it said that?” asked the Idiot, innocently, looking about the table. “It couldn’t have been Mr. Whitechoker, and I know it wasn’t the Poet or my Genial Friend who occasionally imbibes. Mr. Pedagog denies it; I didn’t say it; Mrs. Pedagog wouldn’t say it. That leaves only two of us—the Bibliomaniac and the Doctor himself. I don’t think the Doctor would make a personal remark of that kind, and—well, there is but one conclusion. Mr. Bibliomaniac, I am surprised.”

“What?” roared the Bibliomaniac, glaring at the Idiot. “Do you mean to fasten the impertinence on me?”

“Far from it,” returned the Idiot, meekly. “Very far from it. It is fate, sir, that has done that—the circumstantial evidence against you is strong; but then, mercifully enough, circumstantial evidence is not permitted to hang a man.”

“Now see here, Mr. Idiot,” said the Bibliomaniac, firmly and impressively, “I want you to distinctly understand that I am not going to have you put words into my mouth that I never uttered. I—”

“Pray, don’t attack me,” said the Idiot. “I haven’t made any charge against you. I only asked who could have said that the Doctor looked like a creation of Cruikshank. I couldn’t have said it, because I don’t think it. Mr. Pedagog denies it. In fact, everyone here has a clear case of innocence excepting yourself, and I don’t believe you said it, only the chain of circumstance—”

“Oh, hang your chain of circumstance!” interrupted the Bibliomaniac.

“It is hung,” said the Idiot, “and it appears to make you very uncomfortable. However, as I was saying, I think I have got hold of an idea involving a truly philanthropic and by no means selfish scheme of Social Expansion.”

“Heigho!” sighed Mr. Pedagog. “I sometimes think that if I had not the honor to be the husband of our landlady I’d move away from here. Your views, sir, are undermining my constitution.”

“You only think so, Mr. Pedagog,” replied the Idiot. “You are simply going through a process of intellectual reconstruction at my hands. You feel exactly as a man feels who has been shut up in the dark for years and suddenly finds himself in a flood of sunlight. I am doing with you as an individual what I would have society do for mankind at large—in other words, while I am working for individual expansion upon the raw material I find here, I would have society buckle down to the enlargement of itself by the improvement of those outside of itself.”

“If you swim in water as well as you do in verbiage,” said the Bibliomaniac, “you must be able to go three or four strokes without sinking.”

“Oh, as for that, I can swim like a duck,” said the Idiot. “You can’t sink me.”

“I fancied not,” observed Mr. Pedagog, with a smile at his own joke. “You are so light I wonder, indeed, that you don’t rise up into space, anyhow.”

“What a delightful condition of affairs that suggestion opens up!” said the Idiot, turning to the Poet. “If I were you I’d make a poem on that. Something like this, for instance:

“I am so very, very light

That gravitation curbs not me.

I rise up through the atmosphere

Till all the world I plainly see.

“I dance about among the clouds,

An airy, happy, human kite.

The breezes toss me here and there,

To my exceeding great delight.

“And when I would return to sup,
To breakfast, or perchance to dine,
I haul myself once more to earth
By tugging on a piece of twine.”

Mr. Pedagog grinned broadly at this.

“You aren’t entirely without your good points,” he said. “If we ever accept your comic-paper idea we’ll have to rely on you for the nonsense poetry.”

“Thank you,” said the Idiot. “I’ll help. If I had a man like you to give me the suggestions I could make a fortune out of poetry. The only trouble is I have to quarrel with you before I can get you to give me a suggestion, and I despise bickering.”

“So do I,” returned Mr. Pedagog. “Let’s give up bickering and turn our attention to—er—Social Extension, is it?”

“Yes—or Social Expansion,” said the Idiot. “Some years ago the world was startled to hear that in the city of New York there were not more than four hundred people who were entitled to social position, and, as I understand it, as time has progressed the number has still further diminished. Last year the number was only one hundred and fifty, and, as I read the social news of today, not more than twenty-five people are now beyond all question in the swim. At dinners, balls, functions of all sorts, you read the names of these same twenty-five over and over again as having been present. Apparently no others attended—or, if they did, they were not so indisputably entitled to be present that their names could be printed in the published accounts. Now all of this shows that society is dying out, and that if things keep on as they are now going it will not be many years before we shall become a people without society, a nation of plebeians.”

“Your statement so far is lucid and logical,” said Mr. Pedagog, who did not admire society—so called—and who did not object to the goring of an ox in which he was not personally interested.

“Well, why is this social contraction going on?” asked the Idiot. “Clearly because Social Expansion is not an accepted fact. If it were, society would grow. Why does it not grow? Why are its ranks not augmented? There is raw material enough. You would like to get into the swim; so would I. But we don’t know how. We read books of etiquette, but they are far from being complete. I think I make no mistake when I say they are utterly valueless. They tell us no more than the funny journal tells us when it says:

“Never eat pease with a spoon;
Never eat pie with a knife;
Never put salt on a prune;
Never throw crumbs at your wife.”

They tell most of us what we all knew before. They tell us not to wear our hats in the house; they tell us all the obvious things, but the subtleties of how to get into society they do not tell us. The comic papers give us some idea of how to behave in society. We know from reading the funny papers that a really swell young man always leans against a mantelpiece when he is calling; that the swell girl sits on a comfortable divan with her feet on a tiger-skin rug, and they converse in epigram. Sometimes the epigram is positively rude; when it is not rude it is so dull that no one wonders that the tiger’s head on the rug represents the tiger as yawning. But, while this is instructive, it teaches us how to behave on special occasions only. You or I might call upon a young woman who did not sit on a divan, who had no tiger-skin rug to put her feet on, and whose parlor had a mantelpiece against which we could not lean comfortably. What are we to do then? As far as they go, the funny papers are excellent, but they don’t go far enough. They give us attractive pictures of fashionable dinners, but it is always of the dinner after the game course. Some of us would like to know how society behaves while the soup is being served. We know that after the game course society girls reach across the table and clink wineglasses with young men, but we do not know what they do before they get to the clink stage. Nowhere is this information given. Etiquette books are silent on the subject, and though I have sought everywhere for information, I do not know to this day how many salted almonds one may consume at dinner without embarrassing one’s hostess. Now, if I can’t find out, the million can’t find out. Wherefore, instead of shutting themselves selfishly up and, by so doing, forcing society finally into dissolution, why cannot some of these people who know what is what give object-lessons to the million; educate them in savoir-faire?

“Last summer there was a play put on at one of our theaters in which there was a scene at a racetrack. At one side was a tally-ho coach. For the first week the coach was an utterly valueless accessory, because the people on it were the ordinary supers in the employ of the theater. They did not know how to behave on a coach, and nobody was interested. The management were suddenly seized with a bright idea. They invited several swell young men who knew how things were done on coaches to come and do these things on their coach. The young men came and imparted a realism to the scene that made that coach the center of attraction. People who went to that play departed educated in coach etiquette. Now there lies my scheme in a nutshell. If these twenty-five, the Old Guard of society, which dines but never surrenders, will give once a week a social function in some place like Madison Square Garden, to which the million may go merely as spectators, not as participators, is there any doubt that they would fail to be instructed? The Garden will seat eight or ten thousand people. Suppose, for an instance, that a dozen of your best exponents of what is what were to give a dinner in the middle of the arena, with ten thousand people looking on. Do you mean to say that of all that vast audience no one would learn thereby how to behave at a dinner?”

“It is a great scheme,” said the Doctor.

“It is!” said the Idiot, “and I venture to say that a course of, say, twelve social functions given in that way would prove so popular that the Garden would turn away every night twice as many people as it could accommodate.”

“It would be instructive, no doubt,” said the Bibliomaniac; “but how would it expand society? Would you have examinations?”

“Most assuredly,” said the Idiot. “At the end of the season I should have a rigid examination of all who chose to apply. I would make them dine in the presence of a committee of expert diners, I would have them pass a searching examination in the Art of Wearing a Dress Suit, in the Science of Entering a Drawing-room, in the Art of Behavior at Afternoon Teas, and all the men who applied should also be compelled to pass a physical examination as an assurance that they were equal to the task of getting an ice for a young lady at a ball.”

“Society would get to be too inclusive and would cease to be exclusive,” suggested Mr. Whitechoker.

“I think not,” said the Idiot. “I should not give a man or a woman the degree of B.S. unless he or she had passed an examination of one hundred percent”

“B.S.?” queried Mr. Pedagog.

“Yes,” returned the Idiot. “Bachelor of Society—a degree which, once earned, should entitle one to recognition as a member of the upper ten anywhere in Christendom.”

“It is superb!” cried Mr. Pedagog, enthusiastically.

“Yes,” said the Idiot. “At ten cents a function it would beat University Extension out of sight, and, further, it would preserve society. If we lose society we lose caste, and, worse than all, our funny men would have to go out of business, for there would be no fads or Willieboys left to ridicule.”

VII

A BEGGAR’S HANDBOOK

“Mr. Idiot,” said the Poet one morning, as the waffles were served, “you are an inventive genius. Why don’t you invent an easy way to make a fortune? The trouble with most methods of making money is that they involve too much labor.”

“I have thought of that,” said the Idiot. “And yet the great fortunes have been made in a way which involved very little labor, comparatively speaking. You, for instance, probably work harder over a yard of poetry that brings you in ten dollars than any of our great railroad magnates have over a mile of railroad which has brought them in a million.”

“Which simply proves that it is ideas that count rather than labor,” said the Poet.

“Not exactly,” said the Idiot. “If you put a hundred ideas into a quatrain you will get less money for it than you would for a two-volume epic in which you have possibly only half an idea. It isn’t idea so much as nerve that counts. The man who builds railroads doesn’t advance any particular idea, but he shows lots of nerve, and it is nerve that makes wealth. I believe that if you literary men would show more nerve force and spare the public the infliction of what you call your ideas, you would make more money.”

“How would you show nerve in writing?” queried the Bibliomaniac.

“If I knew I’d write and make my fortune,” said the Idiot. “Unfortunately, I don’t know how one can show nerve in writing, unless it be in taking hold of some particularly popular idiosyncrasy of mankind and treating it so contemptuously that everyone would want to mob you. If you could get the public mad enough at you to want to mob you they’d read everything you’d write, simply to nourish their wrath, and you’d soon be cutting coupons for a living, and could then afford to take up more ideas—coupon-cutters can afford theories. For my own part, one reason why I do not myself take up literature for a profession is that I have neither the nerve nor the coupons. I’d probably run along in the rut like a majority of the writers of today, and wouldn’t have the grit to strike out in a new line of my own. Men say, and perhaps very properly, this is the thing that has succeeded in the past. I’ll do this. Something else that appears alluring enough in the abstract has never been done, and for that reason I won’t do it. There have been clever men before me, men clever enough to think of this something that I fondly imagine is original, and they haven’t done it. Doubtless they refrained from doing it for good and sufficient reasons, and I am not going to be fool enough to set my judgment up against theirs. In other words, I lack the nerve to go ahead and write as I feel. I prefer to study past successes, with the result that I am moderately successful only. It’s the same way in every line of business. Precedent guides in all things, but where occasionally you find a man courageous enough to cast precedent to the winds, one of two things happens. Either fortune or ruin follows. Hence, the thing to do if you want to make a fortune is to eliminate the possibility of ruin as far as may be. You cannot ruin a man who has nothing. He is down on bedrock, anyhow; so for a receipt for fortune I should say, start a pauper, show your nerve, and you’ll make a pile, or you won’t make a pile. If you make it you are fortunate. If you fail to make it you are no more unfortunate than you were before you started.”

“For plausibility, Mr. Idiot,” said Mr. Pedagog, “you are to me a perfect wonder. I do not think that anyone can deny, with confidence born of certainty, the truth of your premises, and it must be admitted that your conclusions are based properly upon those premises, and yet your conclusions are almost invariably utterly absurd, if not absolutely grotesque. Here is a man who says, to make a fortune become a beggar!”

“Precisely,” said the Idiot. “There is nothing like having a clean slate to work on. If you are not a beggar you have something, and having something promotes caution and tends to destroy nerve. As a beggar you have everything to gain and nothing to lose, so you can plunge. You can swim better in deep water than in the shallow.”

“Well,” said the Doctor, “enlighten us on this point. You may not know how to show nerve as a writer—in fact, you confess that you don’t. How would you show nerve as a beggar? Would you strive to enforce your demands and degenerate into a common highwayman, or would you simply go in for big profits, and ask passers-by for ten dollars instead of ten cents?”

“He’d probably take a bag of dynamite into a millionaire’s office and threaten to blow him to pieces if he didn’t give him a house and lot,” sneered the Bibliomaniac.

“Not at all,” said the Idiot. “That’s cowardice, not nerve. If I went into a millionaire’s office and demanded a million—or a house and lot even—armed with a bag full of newspapers, pretending it held dynamite, it might be more like nerve; but my beggar would do nothing contrary to the law. He’d simply be nervy, that’s all—cheeky, perhaps you’d call it. For instance, I believe that if I were to hire in the elevated cars one of those advertising spaces above the windows, and were to place in that space a placard saying that I was by nature too lazy to work, too fond of life to starve, too poor to live, and too honest to steal, and would be placed in affluence if every man and woman who saw that sign would send me ten cents a week in two-cent postage-stamps for five weeks running, I should receive enough money to enable me to live at the most expensive hotel in town during that period. By living at that hotel and paying my bills regularly I could get credit enough to set myself up in business, and with credit there is practically no limit to the possibilities of fortune. It is simply honest nerve that counts. The beggar who asks you on the street for five cents to keep his family from starving is rebuffed. You don’t believe his story, and you know that five cents wouldn’t keep a family from starving very long. But the fellow who accosts you frankly for a dime because he is thirsty, and hasn’t had a drink for two hours, in nine cases out of ten properly selected ones will get a quarter for his nerve.”

“You ought to write a Manual for Beggars,” said the Bibliomaniac. “I have no doubt that the Idiot Publishing Company would publish it.”

“Yes,” said Mr. Pedagog. “A sort of beggar’s Don’t, for instance. It would be a benefit to all men, as well as a boon to the beggars. That mendicancy is a profession today there is no denying, and anything which could make of it a polite calling would be of inestimable value.”

“I have had it in mind for some time,” said the Idiot, blandly. “I intended to call it Mendicancy Made Easy, or the Beggar’s Don’t: With Two Chapters on Etiquette for Tramps.”

“The chief trouble with such a book I should think,” said the Poet, “would be that your beggars and tramps could not afford to buy it.”

“That wouldn’t interfere with its circulation,” returned the Idiot. “It’s a poor tramp who can’t steal. Every suburban resident in creation would buy a copy of the book out of sheer curiosity. I’d get my royalties from them; the tramps could get the books by helping themselves to the suburbanites’ copies as they do to chickens, firewood, and pies put out to cool. As for the beggars, I’d have it put into their hands by the people they beg from. When a man comes up to a wayfarer, for instance, and says, ‘Excuse me, sir, but could you spare a nickel to a hungry man?’ I’d have the wayfarer say, ‘Excuse me, sir, but unfortunately I have left my nickels in my other vest; but here is a copy of the Idiot’s Mendicancy Made Easy, or the Beggar’s Don’t.’”

“And you think the beggar would read it, do you?” asked the Bibliomaniac.

“I don’t know whether he would or not. He’d probably either read it or pawn it,” the Idiot answered. “In either event he would be better off, and I would have got my ten percent royalty on the book. After the Beggars’ Manual I should continue my good work if I found the class for whom it was written had benefited by my first effort. I should compile as my contribution to the literature of mendicancy for the following season what I should call The Beggar’s Élite Directory. This would enlarge my sphere a trifle. It would contain as complete lists as could be obtained of persons who give to street beggars, with their addresses, so that the beggars, instead of infesting the streets at night might go to the houses of these people and collect their incomes in a more businesslike and less undignified fashion. Added to this would be two lists, one for tramps, stating what families in the suburbs kept dogs, what families gave, whether what they gave was digestible or not, rounding up with a list of those who do not give, and who have telephone connection with the police station. This would enable them to avoid dogs and rebuffs, would save the tramp the time he expends on futile efforts to find work he doesn’t want, and as for the people who have to keep the dogs to ward off the tramps, they, too, would be benefited, because the tramps would begin to avoid them, and in a short while they would be able to dispense with the dogs. The other list would be for organ-grinders, who are, after all, only beggars of a different type. This list would comprise the names of persons who are musical and who would rather pay a quarter than listen to a hand-organ. By a judicious arrangement with these people, carried on by correspondence, the organ-grinder would be able to collect a large revenue without venturing out, except occasionally to play before the house of a delinquent subscriber in order to remind him that he had let his contract expire. So, by slow degrees, we should find beggars doing their work privately and not publicly, tramps circulating only among those whose sympathies they have aroused, and organ-grinding only a memory.”

“The last, I think, would not come about,” said Mr. Pedagog. “For there are people who like the music of hand-organs.”

“True—I’m one of ’em. I’d hire a hansom to follow a piano-organ about the city if I could afford it, but as a rule the hand-organ lovers are of the one-cent class,” returned the Idiot. “The quarter class are people who would rather not hear the hand-organ, and it is to them that a grinder of business capacity would naturally address himself. It is far pleasanter to stay at home and be paid large money for doing nothing than to undertake a weary march through the city to receive small sums for doing something. That’s human nature, Mr. Pedagog.”

“I presume it is,” said Mr. Pedagog; “but I don’t think your scheme is. Human nature works, but your plan wouldn’t.”

“Well, of course,” said the Idiot, “you never can tell about ideals. The fact that an ideal is ideal is the chief argument against its amounting to much. But I am confident that if my Beggar’s Don’t and Élite Directory fail, my other book will go.”

“You appear to have the writing of a library in mind,” sneered the Bibliomaniac.

“I have,” said the Idiot. “If I write all the books I have in mind, the public library will be a small affair beside mine.”

“And your other book is to be what?” queried Mr. Whitechoker.

“Plausible Tales for Beggars to Tell,” said the Idiot. “If the beggar could only tell an interesting story he’d be surer of an ear in which to whisper it. The usual beggar’s tale is commonplace. There’s no art in it. There are no complications of absorbing interest. There is not a soul in creation, I venture to say, but would be willing to have a beggar stop right in the middle of his story. The tales I’d write for them would be so interesting that the attention of the wayfarer would be arrested at once. His mind would be riveted on the situation at once, and, instead of hurrying along and trying to leave the beggar behind, he would stop, buttonhole him, and ask him to sit down on a convenient doorstep and continue. If a beggar could have such a story to tell as would enable him in the midst of one of its most exciting episodes to whisper hoarsely into the ear of the man whose nickel he was seeking, ‘The rest of this interesting story I will tell you in Central Park at nine o’clock tomorrow night,’ in such a manner as would impel the listener to meet him in the Park the following evening, his fortune would be made. Such a book I hope some day to write.”

“I have no doubt,” said Mr. Whitechoker, “that it will be an entertaining addition to fiction.”

“Nor have I,” said the Idiot. “It will make the writers of today green with envy, and, as for the beggars, if it is not generally known that it is I and not they who are responsible for the work, the beggars will shortly find themselves in demand as writers of fiction for the magazines.”

“And you?” suggested the Poet.

“I shall be content. Mere gratitude will force the beggars to send me the magazine orders, and I’ll write their articles and be glad of the opportunity, giving them ten percent of the profits. I know a man who makes fifty dollars a year at magazine work, and one of my ambitions is to rival the Banker-Poets and Dry Goods Essayists by achieving fame as the Boarding-house Dickens.”

VIII

PROGRESSIVE WAFFLES

“I am afraid,” said Mr. Pedagog, in a loud whisper to the Bibliomaniac, “that the Idiot isn’t feeling well this morning. He has eaten three fish-cakes and a waffle without opening his mouth.”

The Idiot looked up, and, gazing wearily at Mr. Pedagog for a moment, shrugged his shoulders and ejaculated, “Tutt!”

“He’s off,” said the Bibliomaniac. “Whenever he says ‘Tutt!’ you can make up your mind that his vocabulary is about to be loosed.”

“If my vocabulary were as warped as some other vocabularies I might mention,” said the Idiot, helping himself to another waffle modeled after the six of hearts, “I’d keep it in a cage. A man who observes that I have eaten three fish-cakes and a waffle without opening my mouth hasn’t a very good command of language. He simply states as a fact what is in reality an impossibility, granting that I eat with my mouth, which I am told I do.”

“You know what I mean,” retorted Mr. Pedagog, impatiently. “I am so much in your society that I have acquired the very bad habit of speaking in the vernacular. When I say you haven’t opened your mouth I do not refer to the opening you make for the receipt of waffles and fish-cakes, but for those massive openings which you require for your exuberant loquacity. In other words, I mean that you haven’t spoken a word for at least three minutes, which is naturally an indication to us that you aren’t feeling well. You and talk are synonymous as far as we are concerned.”

“I have been known to speak—that is true,” said the Idiot. “That I am not feeling very well this morning is also true. I have a headache.”

“A what ache?” asked the Doctor, scornfully.

“A very bad headache,” returned the Idiot, looking about him for a third waffle.

“How singular!” said the Bibliomaniac. “Reminds me of a story I heard of a man who had lost his foot. He’d had his foot shot off at Gettysburg, and yet for years after he could feel the pangs of rheumatism in that foot from which he had previously suffered.”

“Pardon me for repeating,” observed the Idiot. “But, as I have already said, and as I expect often to have to say again, Tutt! I can’t blame you for thinking that I have no head, however. I find so little use for one here that in most instances I do not obtrude it upon you.”

“I haven’t noticed any lack of head in the Idiot,” put in the Schoolmaster. “As a rule, I can agree to almost anything my friend the Bibliomaniac says, but in this case I cannot accept his views. You have a head. I have always said you had a head—in fact, that is what I complain about chiefly, it is such a big head.”

“Thank you,” said the Idiot, ignoring the shaft. “I shall never forget your kindness in coming to my aid, though I can’t say that I think I needed it. Even with a racking headache sustained by these delicious waffles, I believe I can handle the Doctor and my bookish friend without assistance. I am what the mathematicians would call an arithmetical absurdity—I am the one that is equal to the two they represent. At present, however, I prefer to let them talk on. I am too much absorbed in thought and waffles to bandy words.”

“If I had a headache,” said Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog, without, it must be said, in any way desiring to stem the waffle tide which was slowly but surely eating into the profits of the week—“if I had a headache I should not eat so many waffles, Mr. Idiot.”

“I suppose I ought not to,” replied the Idiot, “but I can’t help it, ma’am. Waffles are my weakness. Some men take to drink, some to gaming; I seek forgetfulness of woe in waffles. Mr. Whitechoker, will you kindly pass me that steaming ten of diamonds that is wasting its warmth upon the desert air before you?”

Mr. Whitechoker, with a sigh which indicated that he had had his eye on the ten of diamonds himself, did as he was requested.

“Many thanks,” said the Idiot, transferring the waffle to his plate. “Let me see—that is how many?”

“Five,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“Eight,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“Dear me!” ejaculated the Idiot. “Why can’t you agree? I never eat less than twelve waffles, and now that you have failed to keep tab I shall have to begin all over again. Mary, bring me one dozen fresh waffles in squads of four. This is an ideal breakfast, Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog.”

“I am glad you are pleased,” said the landlady, graciously. “My one aim is to satisfy.”

“You are a better shot than most women,” said the Idiot. “I wonder why it is,” he added, “that waffles are so generally modeled after playing-cards, and also why, having been modeled after playing-cards, there is not a full pack?”

“Fifty-two waffles,” said Mr. Whitechoker, “would be too many.”

“Fifty-three, including the joker,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“What do you know about cards, John?” asked Mrs. Pedagog, severely.

The Idiot laughed.

“Did you ever hear that pretty little song of Gilbert and Sullivan’s, Mr. Poet, ‘Things are seldom what they seem’?” he asked.

“Why shouldn’t I know about playing-cards?” said Mr. Pedagog, acridly. “Mr. Whitechoker seems to be aware that a pack holds fifty-two cards—if he, why not I?”

“I—ah—I of course have to acquaint myself with many vicious things with which I have very little sympathy,” observed Mr. Whitechoker, blandly. “I regard cards as an abomination.”

“So do I,” said Mr. Pedagog—“so do I. But even then I know a full house—I should say a full pack from a—er—a—er—”

“Bobtail flush,” suggested the Idiot.

“Sir,” said Mr. Pedagog, “I am not well up in poker terms.”

“Then you ought to play,” said the Idiot. “The man who doesn’t know the game has usually great luck. But I am sorry, Mrs. Pedagog, that you are so strongly opposed to cards, for I was going to make a suggestion which I think would promote harmony in our little circle on waffle days. If you regard cards as wholly immoral, of course the suggestion is without value, since it involves two complete packs of cards—one cardboard pack and one waffle pack.”

“I don’t object to cards as cards, Mr. Idiot,” said the landlady. “It is the games people play with cards that I object to. They bring a great deal of unnecessary misery into the world, and for that reason I think it is better to avoid them altogether.”

“That is quite true,” said the Idiot. “They do bring about much unhappiness. I know a young woman who became a victim of insomnia once because in a series of ten games of old maid she got the odd card seven times. Of course it wasn’t entirely the cards’ fault. Superstition had something to do with it. In fact, I sometimes think the fault lies with the people who play, and not with the cards. I owe much to the game of whist. It taught me to control my tongue. I should have been a regular talk-fiend if it hadn’t been for whist.”

Mr. Pedagog looked unutterable things at the Idiot.

“Are you laboring under the delusion that you have any control over your tongue?” he asked, savagely.

“Most certainly,” said the Idiot.

“Well, I’ll have to make a note of that,” said Mr. Pedagog. “I have a friend who is making a collection of hallucinations.”

“If you’ll give me his address,” said the Idiot, “I’ll send him thousands. For five dollars a dozen I’ll invent hallucinations for him that people ought to have but haven’t.”

“No,” returned the Schoolmaster. “In his behalf, however, I thank you. He collects only real hallucinations, and he finds there are plenty of them without retaining a professional lunatic to supply him.”

“Very well,” said the Idiot, returning to his waffles. “If at any time he finds the supply running short, I shall be glad to renew my offer.”

“You haven’t unfolded your Harmony Promoting Scheme for Waffle Days,” suggested the Poet. “It has aroused my interest.”

“Oh, it is simple,” said the Idiot. “I have noticed that on waffle days here most of us leave the table more or less dissatisfied. We find ourselves plunged into acrimonious discussions, which, to my mind, arise entirely from the waffles. Mr. Pedagog is a most amiable gentleman, and yet we find him this morning full of acerbity. On the surface of things I seem to be the cause of his anger, but in reality it is not I, but the waffles. He has seen me gradually absorbing them and it has irritated him. Every waffle that I eat he might have had if I had not been here. If there had been no one here but Mr. Pedagog, he would have had all the waffles; as it is, his supply is limited. This affects his geniality. It makes him—”

“Pardon me,” said Mr. Pedagog. “But you are all wrong. I haven’t thought of the things at all.”

“Consciously to yourself you have not,” said the Idiot. “Subconsciously, however, you have. The Philosophy of the Unconscious teaches us that unknown to ourselves our actions are directly traceable to motives we wot not of. The truth of this is conclusively proven in this case. Even when I point out to you the facts in the case you deny their truth, thereby showing that you are not conscious of the real underlying motive for your irritation. Now, why is that irritation there? Because our several rights to the individual waffles that are served here are not clearly defined at the outset. When Mary brings in a steaming platter full of these delicious creations of the cook, Mr. Pedagog has quite as much right to the one with the six of hearts on it as I have, but I get it. He does not. Hence he is irritated, although he does not know it. So with Mr. Whitechoker. Five minutes ago he was hastening through the four of spades in order that he might come into possession of the ten of diamonds that lay smoking before him. As he was about to put the last spade in his mouth I requested him to hand me the ten of diamonds, having myself gulped down the deuce of clubs to get ahead of him. He couldn’t decline to give me that waffle because he wanted it himself. He had to give it to me. He was irritated—though he did not know it. He sighed and gave me the waffle.”

“I did want it,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “But I did not know that I sighed.”

“There you are,” said the Idiot. “It is the Philosophy of the Unconscious again. If you are not conscious of so actual a thing as a sigh, how much the more unconscious must you be of something so subtle as motive?”

“And your waffle-deck?” said the Genial Old Gentleman who occasionally imbibes. “How will that solve the problem? It seems to me to complicate the problem. As it is, we have about thirty waffles, each one of which is a germ of irritation in the breast of the man who doesn’t eat it. If you have fifty-two waffles you have twenty-two more germs to sow discord in our midst.”

“You would have but for my scheme,” said the Idiot. “I’d have a pack of cards at the table, and I’d deal them out just as you do in whist. Each card would represent the corresponding waffle. We’d begin breakfast by playing one hand after the manner of whist. Each man would keep his tricks, and when the waffles were served he would receive those, and those only, represented by the cards in the tricks he had taken. If you took a trick with the king of diamonds in it, you’d get the waffle with the king of diamonds on it, and so on. Every man would be clearly entitled through his skill in the game to the waffles that he ate.”

“Very good,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “But suppose you had bad luck and took no tricks?”

“Then,” said the Idiot, “you’d have bad luck and get no waffles.”

“Tutt!” said Mr. Pedagog.

And that was the sole criticism any of the boarders had to make, although there is reason to believe that the scheme had objectionable features to the majority of them, for as yet Progressive Waffles has not been played at Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog’s.

IX

A CLEARING-HOUSE FOR POETS

“How is your Muse these days, Mr. Idiot?” asked the Bibliomaniac one Sunday morning while the mush was being served.

“Flourishing,” said the Idiot. “Just flourishing—and no more.”

“I should think you’d be pleased if she is flourishing,” said the Doctor.

“I’d rather she’d stop flourishing and do a little writing,” said the Idiot. “She’s a queer Muse, that one of mine. She has all the airs and graces of an ordinary typewriter with an unconquerable aversion to work.”

“You look upon your Muse as you would upon your typewriter, eh?” said Mr. Pedagog.

“Yes,” said the Idiot. “That’s all my Muse is, and she isn’t even a capable typewriter. The general run of typewriters make sense of what you write, but my Muse won’t. You may not believe it, but out of ten inspirations I had last week not one of them is fit for publication anywhere but in a magazine or a puzzle column. I don’t know what is the matter with her, but when I sit down to dictate a comic sonnet she turns it into a serious jingle, and vice versa. We can’t seem to get our moods to fit. When I want to be serious she’s flippant, and when I become flippant she’s serious.”

“She must be very serious most of the time,” said the Doctor.

“She is,” said the Idiot, innocently. “But that’s only because I’m flippant most of the time. I’m going to give her warning. If she doesn’t brace up and take more interest in her work I’m going to get another Muse, that’s all. I can’t afford to have my income cut down fifty percent just because she happens to be fickle.”

“Maybe she is flirting with somebody else,” suggested the Poet. “My Muse does that occasionally.”

“I doubt it,” said the Idiot. “I haven’t observed any other poet encroaching upon my particular province. Even you, good as you are, can’t do it. But in any event I’m going to have a change. The day has gone by when a one-muse poet achieves greatness. I’m going to employ a half-dozen and try to corner the poetry market. Queer that in all these years that men have been writing poetry no one has thought of that. People get up grain corners, corners in railway stock, monopolies in gas and oil and everything else, about, but as yet no poet has cornered the market in his business.”

“That’s easily accounted for,” said the Bibliomaniac. “The poet controls only his own work, and if he has any sense he doesn’t want to monopolize that.”

“That isn’t my scheme at all,” said the Idiot. “You have a monopoly of your own work always if you choose to avail yourself of it, and, as you say, a man would be crazy to do so. What I’d like to see established is a sort of Poetic Clearing-house Association. Supposing, for instance, that I opened an office in Wall Street—a Bank for Poets, in which all writers of verse could deposit their rhymes as they write them, and draw against them just as they do in ordinary banks with their money. It would be fine. Take a man like Swinburne, for instance, or our friend here. Our poet could take a sonnet he had written, endorse it, and put it in the bank. He’d be credited with one sonnet, and wouldn’t have to bother his head about it afterwards. He could draw against it. If the Clearing-house company could dispose of it to a magazine his draft would be honored in cash to its full value, less discount charges, which would include postage and commissions to the company.”

“And suppose the company failed to dispose of it?” suggested the Poet.

“They’d do just as ordinary banks do with checks—stamp it ‘Not Good,’” said the Idiot. “That, however, wouldn’t happen very often if the concern had an intelligent receiving-teller to detect counterfeits. If the receiving-teller were a man fit for the position and a poet brought in a quatrain with five lines in it, he could detect it at once and hand it back. So with comic poems. I might go there with a poem I thought was comic, and proceed to deposit it with the usual deposit slip. The teller would look at it a second, scrutinize the humor carefully, and then if it was not what I thought it, would stamp it ‘Not Comic’ or ‘Counterfeit.’ It is perfectly simple.”

“Very simple,” said Mr. Pedagog. “Though I should have used a synonym of simple to describe it. It’s idiotic.”

“That’s what people said of Columbus’s idea that he could discover America,” said the Idiot. “Everything that doesn’t have dollars slathered all over it in plain view is idiotic.”

“The word slathered is new to me,” said the Schoolmaster; “but I fancy I know what you mean.”

“The word slathered may be new to you,” said the Idiot, “but it is a good word. I have used it with great effect several times. Whenever anyone asks me that foolish question that is asked so often, ‘What is the good word?’ I always reply ‘Slathered,’ and the what’s-the-good-word fiend goes off hurt in his mind. He doesn’t know what I mean any more than I do, but it shuts him up completely, which is just so much gained.”

“I must confess,” said the Poet, “that I cannot myself see where there is any money for your Rhyme Clearing-house. Ordinarily I quite approve of your schemes, but in this instance I go over to the enemy.”

“I don’t say that it is a gold-mine,” said the Idiot. “I doubt if I had every cent that is paid for poetry in a year by everybody to everybody that my income would reach one hundredth part of what I’d receive as a successful manufacturer of soap; but there would be more money in poetry than there is if by some pooling of our issues we could corner the market. Suppose every writer of a quatrain in America should send his whole product to us. We could say to the magazines, ‘Gentlemen, quatrains are not quatraining as hard as they were. If you need a four-line bit of gloom and rhyme to finish off your thirty-second page, our price is twenty-five dollars instead of seventy-five cents, as of yore.’ So with all other kinds of verse. We’d simply name our figure, force the editors to accept it, and unload. We might get caught on the last thirty or forty thousand, but our profits on the others would enable us to more than meet the losses.”

“And would you pay the author the twenty-five dollars?” asked Mr. Whitechoker.

“Not if we were sane,” replied the Idiot. “We’d pay the author two dollars and fifty cents, which is one dollar and seventy-five cents more than he gets now. He couldn’t complain.”

“And those that you couldn’t sell?” asked the Bibliomaniac.

“We’d simply mark ‘Not Good’ and return to the author. That’s what happens to him now, so no objection could be raised to that. But there’s still another side to this matter,” said the Idiot. “Publishers would be quite as anxious to help it along as the poets. Dealing through us, they would be spared the necessity of interviewing poets, which I am informed is always painful because of the necessity which publishers labor under to give the poet to understand that they are in the business for profit, not for pleasure or mere love of sinking money in a magazine. So the publishers would keep a standing account of hard cash in our bank. Say a magazine used one hundred dollars’ worth of verse in a month. The publisher at the beginning of the year would deposit twelve hundred dollars with us, and throughout the year would draw out sonnets, ballads, or pastels-in-metre just as he needed them. The checks would read something like this: ‘The Poets’ Clearing-house Association of the City of New York will pay to John Bluepencil, Editor, or Order, Ten Sonnets. (Signed) Blank Brothers & Co.’ Or perhaps we’d receive a notice from a Southern publisher to this effect: ‘Have drawn on you at sight for eight quatrains and a triolet.’ Now, when you consider how many publishers there are who would always keep a cash balance in the treasury, you begin to get some notion as to how we could meet our running expenses and pay our quarterly dividends to our stockholders anyhow; and as for future dividends, I believe our loan department would net us a sufficient amount to make the stock gilt-edged.”

“You would have a loan department, eh?” said Mr. Pedagog.

“That would be popular,” said the Poet; “but there again I dispute the profit. You could find plenty of poets who would borrow your funds, but I doubt the security of the loans.”

“All of your objections are based on misconceptions,” said the Idiot. “The loan department would not lend money. It would lend poems for a consideration to those who are short and who need them to fulfill their obligations.”

“Who on earth would want to borrow a poem, I’d like to know?” said the Bibliomaniac.

“Lovers, chiefly,” said the Idiot. “Never having been a poet yourself, sir, you have no notion how far the mere faculty of being able to dash off a sonnet to a lady’s eyebrow helps a man along in ultimately becoming the possessor of that eyebrow, together with the rest of the lady. I have seen women won, sir, by a rondeau. In fact, I have myself completely routed countless unpoetic rivals by exploding in their ranks burning quatrains to the fair objects of our affections. With woman the man who can write a hymn of thanksgiving that he is permitted to gaze into her cerulean orbs has a great advantage over the wight who has to tell her she has dandy blue eyes in commonplace prose. The commonplace-prose wight knows it, too, and he’d pay ten percent of his salary during courtship if he could devise a plan by means of which he could pass himself off as a poet. To meet this demand, our loan department would be established. An unimaginative lover could come in and describe the woman he adored; the loan clerk would fish out a sonnet to fit the girl, and the lover could borrow it for ten days, just as brokers borrow stock. Armed with this he could go up to Harlem, or wherever else the maiden lived, and carry consternation into the hearts of his rivals by spouting the sonnet as nonchalantly as though he had just thought of it. So it would go on. For the following call he could borrow a ballad singing the glories of her raven locks, likening them to the beautiful night, or, if the locks were red instead of black, to the aurora borealis.”

“You’d have trouble finding a rhyme to borealis,” said the Poet.

“Tutt!” said the Idiot. “What’s the matter with ‘Glory, Alice,’ ‘Listen to my story, Alice,’ ‘I’m going to war so gory, Alice,’ ‘I fear you are a Tory, Alice’ (this for a Revolutionary poem), or ‘Come rowing in my dory, Alice’? There’s no end to ’em.”

“If you’ll write a rhyming dictionary I’ll buy a copy,” was the Poet’s sole comment.

“That will come later,” said the Idiot. “Once get our clearing-house established, we can branch out into a general Poetry Trust and Supply Company that will make millions. We’ll make so much money, by Jove!” he added, slapping the table enthusiastically, “that we can afford to go into the publishing business ourselves and bring out volumes of verse for anybody and everybody. We can deal in Fame! A man that couldn’t write his own name so that anybody could read it could come to us and say: ‘Gentlemen, I’ve got everything but brains. I want to be an author and ’mongst the authors stand. I am told it is delightful to see one’s book in print. I haven’t a book, but I’ve got a dollar or two, and if you’ll put out a first-class book of poems under my name I’ll pay all expenses and give you a royalty of twenty percent on every copy I give away!’ No money in it? Bah! You gentlemen don’t know. If you say fortune would not wait upon this venture I say you are the kind of men who would sell government bonds for their value as mere engravings if you had the chance.”

“You certainly do draw a roseate picture,” said Mr. Whitechoker.

“I do indeed,” said the Idiot, “and the paint is laid on thick.”

“Well, I hope it goes,” said the Poet. “I’ll make a deposit the first day of three hundred and sixty-seven ballads, four hundred and twenty-three couplets, eighty-nine rondeaus, and one epic about ten yards in length, all of which I have in my desk at this moment.”

“Very well,” said the Idiot, rising, “With that encouragement from you I feel warranted in ordering the ‘Not Good’ stamp at least.”

X

SOME ELECTRICAL SUGGESTIONS

“ If I were beginning life all over again,” said the Idiot, “I’d be an electrician. It seems to me that of all modern pursuits, barring architecture perhaps, electricity is the most fascinating.”

“There’s probably more money in it than there is in Idiocy, too, I fancy,” said the Bibliomaniac, dryly.

“Well, I should think so,” assented the Idiot. “Idiocy is merely an intellectual diversion. Electricity is a practical science. Idiocy cannot be said to be anything more than a luxury, while electricity has become a necessity. I do not even claim that any real lasting benefit can come to the world through Idiocy, but in electricity are possibilities, not yet realized, for which the world will be distinctly better and happier.”

“It is kind of you to speak so highly of electricity,” said the Doctor. “The science may now advance, knowing that you approve.”

“Approve?” cried the Idiot. “Approve is not the word, sir. I enthuse—and why should I not, feeling, as I do, that in the electrical current lies the germ of the Elixir of Life! I thoroughly believe that a bottle of liquefied electricity would make us all young.”

“Then don’t take it!” said the Schoolmaster. “You have suffered from an aggravated case of youngness for as long a time as I have known you. Pray do nothing to intensify your youth.”

“I fear I shall be forced to deny myself that pleasure, Mr. Pedagog,” returned the Idiot, mildly, “for the unhappy reason that as yet the formula for the Electrical Elixir has not been discovered; that it will be discovered before I die I hope and pray, because, unlike the man in the hymn, I would live always. I’d like to be an immortal.”

“An immortal Idiot! Think of it!” said the Doctor.

“I didn’t expect much sympathy from you, Dr. Capsule,” said the Idiot. “The man with car-horses to sell does not dote upon the trolley-car.”

“The application of the allegory is not entirely apparent,” said the Doctor.

“No?” said the Idiot. “I am surprised. I thought you intellectuals absorbed ideas more quickly. To deal in plain terms, since it appears to be necessary, a plan which involves the indefinite extension of mortal life and the elimination of bodily ills is not likely to receive the hearty endorsement of the medical profession. If a man could come home on a stormy night and offset the deleterious effects of wet feet by swallowing an electric pill, one containing two volts, like a two-grain quinine pill, for instance, with greater certainty than one feels in taking quinine, your profession would have to put up the shutters and go into some such business as writing articles on ‘Measles as It Used to Be,’ or ‘Disorders of the Ante-Electrical Period.’ The fine part of it all is that we should not have to rely for our medicines upon the state of the arsenic market, or the quinine supply, or the squill product of the year. Electric sparks can be made without number whether the sun shines or not. The failure of the Peruvian Bark Crop, or the destruction by an early frost of the Castor Oil Wells, would cease to be a hideous possibility to delicate natures. They could all fail for all mankind need fear, for electricity can be generated when and wherever one has need of it. If your electric pills were used up, and the chemist too far away from your house for you to get the supply replenished at the moment, you could put on your slippers and by walking up and down your carpeted floor for ten or fifteen minutes generate enough electricity to see you through. Of course you’d have to have a pair of dynamic-storage-reservoir slippers to catch the sparks as they flew, but I fancy they’d be less costly in the long run than the medicines we have today.”

“Why have wet feet at all if electricity is to be so all-powerful?” suggested Mr. Whitechoker. “Why not devise an electrical foot-protector and ward off all possibility of damp, cold feet?”

“You couldn’t do that with men and women constituted as they are,” said the Idiot. “Your foot-protector would no doubt be a good thing, but so are rubber overshoes. Nothing will ever be patented to compel a man to keep his feet dry, and he won’t do it except under compulsion, but once having his feet wet he will seek the remedy. It’s the Elixir of Life that I bank on most, however. I don’t believe there is one among us, excepting Mrs. Pedagog, to whom twenty-five was not the most delightful period of existence. To Mrs. Pedagog, as to all women, eighteen is the limit. But men at twenty-five and women at eighteen know so much, enjoy so much, regard themselves so highly! There is nothing blasé about them then. Disillusion—which I think ought to be called dissolution—comes later. At thirty a man discovers that the things he knew at twenty-five aren’t so; and as for a woman at twenty-five, if so be she is unmarried, her life is empty, and if so be she is married, she has cares in the shape of children and a husband, who as a theory was a poet, but who as a reality is a mere business machine who is oftentimes no fonder of staying at home than he was before he was married and went out to see her every night.”

“What a wise little pessimist he is!” said Mr. Pedagog to the Doctor.

“Very. But I fail to comprehend why he branches off into Pessimism when Electricity was his text,” said the Doctor.

“Because he’s the Id—” began the Bibliomaniac, but the Idiot interrupted him.

“Don’t jump fences, gentlemen, before you know whether they are made of barbed wire or not. I’m coming to the points you are bringing up, and if you are not careful they may puncture you,” he said. “I am not in any sense a pessimist. Quite the contrary. I am an optimist. I’m not old enough or cross-grained enough as yet to be a pessimist, and it’s because I don’t want to be a pessimist that I want this Elixir of Electricity to hurry up and have itself patented. If men when they reached the age of twenty-five, and women at eighteen, would begin to take this they might live to be a thousand and yet retain all the spirit and feelings of twenty-five and eighteen. That’s the connection, Dr. Capsule. If I could be twenty-five all my life I’d be as happy as a bird—and if I were the Poet here I’d immortalize that idea in verse—

“A man’s the biggest thing alive
When he has got to twenty-five;
And as for woman, she’s a queen
Whose summers number just eighteen.”

“That’s a good idea,” returned the Poet. “I’ll make a note of that, and if I sell it I’ll give you a commission.”

“No, don’t do that,” said the Idiot, slyly. “I shall be satisfied to see your name in print.”

The Poet having accepted this sally in the spirit in which it was intended, the Idiot resumed:

“But of course the Elixir and the Electrical Pills are as yet all in the air. We haven’t even taken a step in that direction. Mr. Edison and other wizards have been too much occupied with electric lights and telephones and phonographs and transatlantic notions to pay any attention to schemes to prolong life and keep us, despite our years, perpetually young.”

“I fancy they are likely to continue to do so,” said the Doctor. “Whatever motive you may attribute to me for pooh-poohing your notions, I do so. No sane person wants to live forever, and if it were possible that all men might live forever, you’d soon find the world so crowded that the slighter actors in the human comedy would be shoved off the stage. There are enough people in the world now, without man’s adding all future generations to their number and making death an impossibility.”

“That’s all nonsense,” said the Idiot. “My Elixir wouldn’t make death an impossibility. Any man who thought he’d had enough at the end of a thousand years could stop taking the Elixir and shuffle off the mortal coil. As a matter of fact, not more than ten percent of the people in the world would have any faith in the Elixir at all. I know people today who do not take advantage of the many patent remedies that are within their reach, preferring the mustard-plaster and catnip-tea of their forefathers. There’s where human nature works again. I believe that if I were myself the discoverer of the formula for my mixture, and for an advertisement secured a letter from a man saying, ‘I was dying of old age, having reached the advanced period of ninety-seven; I took two bottles of your Electrical Elixir and am now celebrating my twenty-fifth birthday again,’ ninety-nine percent of the people who read it would laugh and think it had strayed out of the funny column. People lack confidence in their fellowmen—that’s all; but if they were twenty-five and eighteen that would all be changed. We are very trustful at twenty-five and eighteen, which is one of the things I like about those respective ages. When I was twenty-five I believed in everybody, including myself. Now—well, I’m older. But enough of schemes, which I must admit are somewhat visionary—as the telephone would have seemed one hundred years ago. Let us come down to realities in electricity. I can’t see why more is not made of the phonograph for the benefit of the public. Take a man like Chauncey M. De Choate. He goes here and he goes there to make speeches, when I’ve no doubt he’d much prefer to stay at home cutting coupons off his bonds. Why can’t the phonograph voice do his duty? Instead of making the same speech over and over again, why can’t some electrician so improve the phonograph that De Choate can say what he has to say through a funnel, have it impressed on a cylinder, duplicated and reduplicated and scattered broadcast over the world? If Mr. Edison could impart what poets call stentorian tones to the phonograph, he’d be doing a great and noble work. Again, for smaller things, like a dance, Why can’t the phonograph be made useful at a ball? I attended one the other night, and when I wanted to dance the two-step the band played the polka; if I wished the polka it played a waltz. Some men can only dance the two-step—they don’t know the waltz, the polka, or the schottische. Now why can’t the phonograph come to the rescue? In almost any hotel in New York you can drop a nickel in a slot and hear Sousa’s band on the phonograph. Why not extend the principle and have a phonograph for men who can dance nothing but the two-step, charged with ‘The Washington Post March,’ and supplied with four tubes with receivers to put in the ears of the listeners? Make it small enough for a man to carry in his pocket; then at a ball he could go up to a young lady, ask her to dance, put two of the receivers in her ears, two in his, and trip the light fantastic toe utterly independently of what other people were dancing. It’s possible. Mr. Edison could do it in five minutes, and everyone would be satisfied. It might be rather droll to see two people dancing the two-step while eight others were fastened on to a lanciers phonograph, and a dozen or more other couples were dancing respectively the waltz, schottische, and Virginia reel, but we’d soon get used to that, and no man need become a wallflower because he couldn’t dance the dance that happened to be on. Furthermore, you’d be able to do away with the musicians, who always cast a pall over dances because of their superiority to the rest of the world in general and the dancers in particular.”

“How about your couple that prefer to sit out the dance on the stairs?” said the Poet, who, in common with the Idiot, knew several things about dances that Messrs. Pedagog and Whitechoker did not.

“It would be particularly attractive to them,” said the Idiot. “They could sit on the stairs and wax sentimental over any dreamy air the man happened to have in his vest-pocket. He could arrange all that beforehand—find out what song she thought divinest, and go loaded accordingly. And as for the things that usually happen on stairs at dances, as well as in conservatories at balls, with the aid of a phonograph a man could propose to a girl in the presence of a thousand people, and nobody but the maiden herself would be the wiser. I tell you, gentlemen,” the Idiot added, enthusiastically, as he rose to depart, “if the phonograph people only knew their power they’d do great things. The patent vest-pocket phonograph for music at balls and proposals for bashful men alone would make their fortunes if they only could see it. I almost wish I were an electrician and not an Idiot.”

With which he left the room, and Mr. Pedagog whispered to Mrs. Pedagog that while he considered the Idiot very much of an idiot, there was no denying that at times he did get hold of ideas that were not wholly bad.

“That’s true,” said the good landlady. “I think if you had proposed to me through a phonograph I should not have had to guess at what you meant and lead you on to express yourself more clearly. I didn’t want to say yes until I was fully convinced that you meant what you didn’t seem able to say.”

XI

CONCERNING CHILDREN

The Poet had been away for a week, and on his return to his accustomed post at the breakfast-table seemed but a shadow of his former self. His eyes were heavy and his long locks appeared straggly enough for a man of far more extended reputation as a singer of melodious verse.

“To judge from your appearance, Mr. Poet,” said the Idiot, after welcoming his friend, “you’ve had a lively vacation. You certainly do not look as if you had devoted much of it to sleep.”

“I haven’t,” said the Poet, wearily, “I haven’t averaged more than two hours of sleep daily since I went away.”

“I thought you told me you were going off into the country for a rest?” observed the Idiot.

“I did—and this is what comes of it,” returned the Poet. “I went to visit my sister up in Saratoga County. She has seven children.”

“Aha!” smiled the Idiot. “That’s it, is it—well, I can sympathize with you. I’ve had experience with youngsters myself. I love ’em, but I like to take ’em on the installment plan—very little at a time. I have a small cousin with a capacity for play and impudence that can’t be equaled. His mother wrote me once and asked if I thought Hagenbeck, the wild-animal tamer, could be induced to take him in hand.”

“That’s the kind,” put in the Poet, his face lighting up a little upon discovering that there was someone at least at the board who could sympathize with him. “My sister’s seven are all of the wild-animal variety. I’d rather fall in with seven tigers than put in another week with my beloved nephews and nieces.”

“Did they play Alp with you?” the Idiot asked, with a grin.

“Alp?” said the Poet. “No—not that I know of. They may have, however. I was hardly conscious of what they were doing the last two days of my stay there. They simply overpowered me, and I gave in and became a toy for the time.”

“It isn’t much fun being a toy,” said the Idiot. “I think I’d rather play Alp.”

“What on earth is Alp?” asked Mr. Pedagog, his curiosity aroused. “I’ve heard enough absurd names for games in the last five years, but I must say, for pure idiocy and lack of suggestiveness, the name of Alp surpasses all.”

“That’s as it should be,” said the Idiot. “My small cousin invented Alp, and anything that boy does is apt to surpass all. He takes after me in some things. But Alp, while it may seem to lack suggestiveness as a name, is really just the name for the game. It’s very simple. It is played by one Alp and as many chamois as desire to take a hand. As a rule the man plays the Alp and the children are the chamois. The man gets down on his hands and knees, puts his head on the floor, and has a white rug put on his back, the idea being that he is an Alp and the rug represents its snow-clad top.”

“And the chamois?” asked Mr. Whitechoker.

“The chamois climbs the Alp and jumps about on the top of it,” said the Idiot. “My experience, based upon two hours a day of it for ten consecutive days, is that it’s fun for the chamois but rough on the Alp; and I got so after a while that I really preferred business to pleasure and gave up playing Alp to return to work before my vacation was half over.”

“How do you score in this game of Alp?” said Mr. Pedagog, smiling broadly as he thought of there being an embryo idiot somewhere who could discomfit the one fate had thrown across his path.

“I never had the strength to inquire,” said the Idiot. “But my impression is that the game is to see which has the greater endurance, the chamois or the Alp. The one that gets tired of playing first loses. I always lost. My small cousin is a storehouse of nervous energy. I believe he could play choo-choo cars with a real engine and last longer than the engine—which being the case, I couldn’t hope to hold out against him.”

“My nephews didn’t play Alp,” said the Poet. “I believe Alp would have been a positive relief to me. They made me tell them stories and poems from morning until night, and all night too, for one of them shared his room with me, and the worst of it all was that they all had to be new stories and new poems, so I was kept composing from one week’s end to the other.”

“Why weren’t you firm with them and say you wouldn’t, and let that end it?” said Mr. Pedagog.

“Ha—ha!” laughed the Idiot. “That’s fine, isn’t it, Mr. Poet? It’s very evident, Mr. Pedagog, that you’re not acquainted with children. Now, my small cousin can make the same appeal over and over again in a hundred and fifty different ways. You may have the courage to say no a hundred and forty-nine times, but I have yet to meet the man who could make his no good with a boy of real persistent spirit. I can’t do it. I’ve tried, but I’ve had to give in sooner or later.”

“Same way with me, multiplied by seven,” said the Poet, with difficulty repressing a yawn. “I tried the no business on the morning of the third day, and gave it up as a hopeless case before the clock struck twelve.”

“I’d teach ’em,” said Mr. Pedagog.

“You’d have to learn ’em first,” retorted the Idiot. “You can’t do anything with children unless you understand them. You’ve got to remember several things when you have small boys to deal with. In the first place, they are a great deal more alert than you are. They are a great deal more energetic; they know what they want, and in getting it they haven’t any dignity to restrain them, wherein they have a distinct advantage over you. Worst of all, down in your secret heart you want to laugh, even when they most affront you.”

“I don’t,” said Mr. Pedagog, shortly.

“And why? Because you don’t know them, cannot sympathize with them, and look upon them as evils to be tolerated rather than little minds to be cultivated. Hard a time as I have had as an Alp, I’d feel as if a great hole had been punched in my life if anything should deprive me of my cousin Sammie. He knows it and I know it, and that is why we are chums,” said the Idiot. “What I like about Sammie is that he believes in me,” he added, a little wistfully. “I wouldn’t mind doing that myself—if I could.”

“You might think differently if you suffered from seven Sammies the way the Poet does,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“There couldn’t be seven Sammies,” said the Idiot. “Sammie is unique—to me. But I am not at all narrow in this matter. I can very well imagine how Sammie could be very disagreeable to some people. I shouldn’t care much for Alp, I suppose, if when night came on Sammie didn’t climb up on my lap and tell me he thought I was the greatest man that ever lived next to his mother and father. That’s the thing, Mr. Pedagog, that makes Alp tolerable—it’s the sugar sauce to the batter pudding. There’s a good deal of plain batter in the pudding, but with the sauce generously mixed in you don’t mind it so much. That boy would be willing to go to sleep on a railway track if I told him I’d stand between him and the express train. If I told him I could hammer down Gibraltar with putty he’d believe it, and bring me his putty-blower to help along in the great work. That’s why I think a man’s so much better off if he is a father. Somebody has fixed a standard for him which, while he may know he can’t live up to it, he’ll try to live up to, and by aiming high he won’t be so apt to hit low as he otherwise might. As Sammie’s father once said to me: ‘By Jove, Idiot,’ he said, ‘if men could only be what their children think them!’”

“Nevertheless they should be governed, curbed, brought up!” said the Bibliomaniac.

“They should, indeed,” said the Idiot. “And in such a fashion that when they are governed, curbed, and brought up they do not realize that they have been governed, curbed, and brought up. The man who plays the tyrant with his children isn’t the man for me. Give me the man who, like my father, is his son’s intimate, personal friend, his confidant, his chum. It may have worked badly in my case. I don’t think it has—in any event, if I were ever the father of a boy I’d try to make him feel that I was not a despot in whose hands he was powerless, but a mainstay to fall back on when things seemed to be going wrong—fountain-head of good advice, a sympathizer—in short, a chum.”

“You certainly draw a pleasant picture,” said Mr. Whitechoker, kindly.

“Thank you,” said the Idiot. “It’s not original with me. My father drew it. But despite my personal regard for Sammie, I do think something ought to be done to alleviate the sufferings of the parent. Take the mother of a boy like Sammie, for instance. She has him all day and generally all night. Sammie’s father goes to business at eight o’clock and returns at six, thinking he has worked hard, and wonders why it is that Sammie’s mother looks so confoundedly tired. It makes him slightly irritable. She has been at home taking things easy all day. He has been in town working like a dog. What right has she to be tired? He doesn’t realize that she has had to entertain Sammie at those hours of the day when Sammie is in his best form. She has found him trying to turn somersaults at the top of the back stairs; she has patiently borne his musical efforts on the piano, upon which he practices daily for a few minutes, generally with a hammer or a stick, or something else equally well calculated to beautify the keys; she has had to interfere in Sammie’s well-meant efforts to instruct his small brother in the art of being an Indian who can whoop and scalp all in the same breath, thereby incurring for the moment Sammie’s undying hatred; she has heard Sammie using language which an inconsiderate hired man has not scrupled to use in Sammie’s presence; she has, with terror in her soul, watched him at play with a knife which some friend of the family who admires Sammie had given him, and has again incurred his enmity by finally, to avoid nervous prostration, taken that treasure from him. In short, she has passed a day of real tragedy. Sammie is farce to me, comedy to his father, and tragedy to his mother. Cannot something be done for her? Is there no way by means of which Sammie can be entertained during the day, for entertained he must be, that does not utterly destroy the nervous system of his mother? Can’t some inventive genius who has studied the small boy, who knows the little ins and outs of his nature, and who, above all, sympathizes with those ins and outs, put his mind on the life of the woman of domestic inclination, and do something to make her life less of a burden and more of a joy?”

“You are the man to do it,” said the Bibliomaniac. “An inventive genius such as you are ought to be able to solve the problem.”

“Perhaps he ought to be,” said the Idiot; “but we are not all what we ought to be, I among the number. Almost anything seems possible to me until I think of the mother at home all day with a dear, sweet, bright, energetic boy like Sammie. Then, I confess, I am utterly at a loss to know what to do.”

And then, as none of the boarders had any solution of the problem to suggest, I presume there was none among them who knew “How To Be Tranquil Though A Mother.”

Perhaps when women take up invention matters will seem more hopeful.

XII

DREAMALINE

“Well, Mr. Idiot,” said Mr. Pedagog, as the guests gathered about the table, “how goes the noble art of invention with you? You’ve been at it for some time now. Do you find that you have succeeded in your self-imposed mission and made the condition of the civilized less unbearable?”

“Frankly, Mr. Pedagog, I have failed,” said the Idiot, sadly. “Failed egregiously. I cannot find that of all the many schemes I have evolved for the benefit of the human race any single one has been adopted by those who would be benefited. Wherefore, with the exception of Dreamaline, which I have not yet developed to my satisfaction, I shall do no more inventing. What is the use? Even you, gentlemen, here have tacitly declined to accept my plan for the elimination of irritation on Waffle Days, a plan at once simple, picturesque, and efficacious. With such discouragement at home, what hope have I for better fortune abroad?”

“It is dreadful to be an unappreciated genius!” said the Bibliomaniac, gruffly. “It’s better to be a plain lunatic. A plain lunatic is at least free from the consciousness of failure.”

“Nevertheless, I’d rather be myself than anyone else at this board,” rejoined the Idiot. “Unappreciated though I be, I am at least happy. Consciousness of failure need not necessarily destroy one’s happiness. If I do the best I can with the tools I have I needn’t weep because I fail, and with his consciousness of failure the unappreciated genius always has the consolation of knowing that it is not he but the world that is wrong. If I am a philanthropist and offer a thousand dollars to a charity, and the charity declines to accept it because I happen to have made it out of my interest in ‘A Widows’ and Orphans’ Speculation Company, Large Losses a Surety,’ it is the charity that loses, not I. So with my plans. Social expansion is not taken up by society—who dies, I or society? Capitalists decline to consider my proposition for a General Poetry Trust and Supply Company. Who loses a fine chance, I or the capitalists? I may be a little discouraged for the time being, but what of that? Invention isn’t the only occupation in the world for me. I can give up Philanthropy and take up Misanthropy in a moment if I want to—and with Dreamaline I can rule the world.”

“Ah—just what is this Dreamaline?” asked Mr. Whitechoker, interested.

“That, sir, is the question which I am now trying to answer for myself,” returned the Idiot. “If I could answer it, as I have said, I could rule the world—everybody could rule the world; that is to say, his own world. It is based on an old idea which has been found by some to be practicable, but it has never been developed to the point which I hope to attain.”

“Wake me up when he gets to the point, will you, kindly?” whispered the Doctor to the Bibliomaniac.

“If you sleep until then you’ll never wake,” said the Bibliomaniac. “To my mind the Idiot never comes to a point.”

“You are a little too mysterious for me,” observed Mr. Whitechoker. “I know no more about Dreamaline now than I did when you began.”

“Which is my case exactly,” said the Idiot. “It is a vague, shadowy something as yet. It is only a germ lost in my cerebral wrinkles, but I hope by a persistent smoothing out of those wrinkles with what I might call the flatiron of thought, I may yet lay hold of the microbe, and with it electrify the world. Once Dreamaline is discovered all other discoveries become as nothing; all other inventions for the amelioration of the condition of the civilized will be unnecessary, and even Progressive Waffles will cease to fascinate.”

“Perhaps,” said the Bibliomaniac, “if you will give us a hint as to the nature of your plan in general we may be able to help you in carrying it out.”

“The Doctor might,” said the Idiot. “My genial friend who occasionally imbibes might—even the Poet, with his taste for Welsh rarebits, might—but from you and Mr. Pedagog and Mr. Whitechoker I fear I should receive little assistance. Indeed, I am not sure but that Mr. Whitechoker might disapprove of the plan altogether.”

“Any plan which makes life happier and better is sure to meet with my approval,” said Mr. Whitechoker.

“With that encouragement, then,” said the Idiot, “I will endeavor to lay before you my crowning invention. Dreamaline, as its name may suggest, should be a patent medicine, by taking which man should become oblivious to care.”

“What’s the matter with champagne for that?” interrupted the Genial Old Gentleman who occasionally imbibes.

“Champagne has some good points,” said the Idiot. “But there are two drawbacks—the effects and the price. Both of these drawbacks, so far from making us oblivious to our cares, add to them. The superiority of Dreamaline over champagne, or even over beer, which is comparatively cheap, is that one dose of Dreamaline, costing one cent, will do more for the patient than one case of champagne or one keg of beer; it is not intoxicating or ruinous to the purse. Furthermore, it is more potent for good, since, under its genial influences, man can do that to which he aspires, or, what is perhaps better yet, merely imagine that he is doing that to which he aspires, and so avoid the disappointment which I am told always comes with ambition achieved.

“Take, for instance, the literary man. We know of many cases in which the literary man has stimulated his imagination by means of drugs, and while under the influence has penned the most marvelous tales. That man sacrifices himself for the delectation of others. In order to write something for the world to rave over, he takes a dose which makes him rave, and which ultimately kills him. Dreamaline will make this entirely unnecessary. Instead of the writers taking hasheesh, the reader takes Dreamaline. Instead of one man having to smoke opium for millions, the millions take Dreamaline for themselves as individuals. I would have the scientists, then, the chemists, study the subject carefully, decide what quality it is in hasheesh that makes a writer conceive of these horrible situations, put this into a nostrum, and sell it to those who like horrible situations, and let them dream their own stories.”

“Very interesting,” said the Bibliomaniac, “but all readers do not like horrible situations. We are not all morbid.”

“For which we should be devoutly thankful,” said the Idiot. “But your point is not well taken. On each bottle of what I should call ‘Literary Dreamaline,’ to distinguish it from ‘Art Dreamaline,’ ‘Scientific Dreamaline,’ and so on, I should have printed explicit directions showing consumers how the dose should be modified to meet the consumer’s taste. One man likes a De Maupassant story. Let him take his Dreamaline straight, lie down and dream. He’d get his De Maupassant story with a vengeance. Another likes the modern story in realism—a story in which a prize might be offered to the reader who finds a situation, an incident in the three hundred odd pages of the book he reads. This man could take a spoonful of Dreamaline and dilute it to his taste. A drop of Dreamaline, which taken raw would give a man a dream like Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, put into a hogshead of pure water would enable the man who took a spoonful of it before going to bed to fall asleep and walk through a three-volume novel by Henry James. Thus every man could get what he wanted at small expense. Dreamaline for readers sold at a dollar a quart would give every consumer as big and varied a library as he wished, and would be a great saving to the eyes. People would have more time for other pleasures if by taking a dose of Dreamaline before retiring they could get all their literature in their sleeping hours. Then every bottle would pay for itself ten times over if on awakening the next morning the consumer would write out the story he had dreamed and publish it for the benefit of those who were afraid to take the medicine.”

“You wouldn’t make much money out of it, though,” said the Poet. “If one bottle sufficed for a library you wouldn’t find much of a demand.”

“That could be got around in two ways,” said the Idiot. “We could copyright every bottle of Dreamaline and require the consumers to pay us a royalty on every book inspired by it, or we could ourselves take what I would call Financial Dreamaline, one dose of which would make a man feel like a millionaire. Life is only feeling after all. If you feel like a millionaire you are as happy as a millionaire—happier, in fact, because in reality you do not have to wear your thumbs out cutting coupons on the first of every month. Then I should have Art Dreamaline. You could have it arranged so that by a certain dose you could have old masters all over your house; by another dose you could get a collection of modern French paintings, and by swallowing a whole bottle you could dream that your walls were lined with mysteries that would drive the Impressionists crazy with envy. In Scientific Dreamaline you would get ideas for invention that would revolutionize the world.”

“How about the poets and the humorists?” asked the Poet.

“They’d be easy,” said the Idiot. “I wouldn’t have any hasheesh in the mixture for them. Welsh rarebit would do, and you’d get poems so mysterious and jokes so uproarious that the whole world would soon be filled with wonder and with laughter. In short, Dreamaline would go into every walk of life. Music, letters, art, poetry, finance. Every man according to his bent or his tastes could partake. Every man could make with it his own little world in which he was himself the prime mover, and so harmless would it be that when next morning he awoke he would be as tranquil and as happy as a babe. I hope, gentlemen, to see the day when Dreamaline is an established fact, when we cannot enter a household in the land that does not have hanging on its walls, after the manner of those glass fire hand-grenades, a wire rack holding a row of bottles labeled Art, Letters, Music, and so on, instead of libraries, picture-galleries, music-rooms, and laboratories. The rich and the poor alike may have it. The child who loves to have stories told to him will cry for it; the poor wanderer who loves opera and cannot afford even to pass the opera-house in a cable car, can go into a drugstore, and for a cent, begged of a kind-hearted pedestrian on the street, purchase a sufficient quantity to imagine himself a box-holder; the ambitious statesman can through its influences enjoy the sensation of thinking himself President of the United States. Not a man, woman, or child lives but would find it a boon, and as harmless as a Graham cracker. That, gentlemen, is my crowning invention, and until I see it realized I invent no more. Good morning.”

And in a moment he was gone.

“Well!” said Mr. Pedagog. “That’s the cap to the climax.”

“Yes,” said Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog.

“Where do you suppose he got the idea?” asked the Bibliomaniac.

“I don’t know,” said the Doctor. “But I suspect that without knowing it he’s had some of the stuff he describes. Most of his schemes indicate it, and Dreamaline, I think, proves it.”

The Genial Idiot

CONTENTS:

1 … He Discusses Maxims and Proverbs
2 … He Discusses the Ideal Husband
3 … The Idiot’s Valentine
4 … He Discusses Finance
5 … He Suggests a Comic Opera
6 … He Discusses Fame
7 … On the Decadence of April-Fool’s-Day
8 … Spring and Its Poetry
9 … On Flat-Hunting
10 … The Housemaid’s Union
11 … The Gentle Art of Boosting
12 … He Makes a Suggestion to the Poet
13 … He Discusses the Music Cure
14 … He Defends Campaign Methods
15 … On Short Courses at College
16 … The Horse Show
17 … Suggestion to Christmas Shoppers
18 … For a Happy Christmas

I

HE DISCUSSES MAXIMS AND PROVERBS

“Good!” cried the Idiot, from behind the voluminous folds of the magazine section of his Sunday newspaper. “Here’s a man after my own heart. Professor Duff, of Glasgow University, has come out with a public statement that the maxims and proverbs of our forefathers are largely hocus-pocus and buncombe. I’ve always maintained that myself from the moment I had my first copybook lesson in which I had to scrawl the line, ‘It’s a long lane that has no turning,’ twenty-four times. And then that other absurd statement, ‘A stitch in the side is worth two in the hand’—or something like it—I forget just how it goes—what Tommy-rot that is.”

“Well, I don’t know about that, Mr. Idiot,” said Mr. Whitechoker, tapping his fingers together reflectively. “Certain great moral principles are instilled into the minds of the young by the old proverbs and maxims that remain with them forever, and become a potent influence in the formation of character.”

“I should like to agree with you, but I can’t,” said the Idiot. “I don’t believe anything that is noble in the way of character was ever fostered by such a statement as that it’s a long lane that has no turning. In the first place, it isn’t necessarily true. I know a lane on my grandfather’s farm that led from the hen-coop to the barn. There wasn’t a turn nor a twist in it, and I know by actual measurement that it wasn’t sixty feet long. You’ve got just as much right to say to a boy that it’s a long nose that has no twisting, or a long leg that has no pulling, or a long courtship that has no kissing. There’s infinitely more truth in those last two than in the original model. The leg that’s never pulled doesn’t go short in a stringent financial market, and a courtship without a kiss, even if it lasted only five minutes, would be too long for any self-respecting lover.”

“I never thought of it in that way,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “Perhaps, after all, the idea is ill-expressed in the original.”

“Perfectly correct,” said the Idiot. “But even then, what? Suppose they had put the thing right in the beginning and said ‘it’s a long lane that has no ending.’ What’s the use of putting a thing like that in a copybook? A boy who didn’t know that without being told ought to be spanked and put to bed. Why not tell him it’s a long well that has no bottom, or a long dog that has no wagging, or a long railroad that has no terminal facilities?”

“Oh, well,” interposed the Bibliomaniac, “what’s the use of being captious? Out of a billion and a half wise saws you pick out one to jump on. Because one is weak, all the rest must come down with a crash.”

“There are plenty of others, and the way they refute one another is to me a constant source of delight,” said the Idiot. “There’s ‘Procrastination is the thief of time,’ for instance. That’s a clear injunction to youth to get up and hustle, and he starts in with all the impulsiveness of youth, and the first thing he knows—bang! he runs slap into ‘Look before you leap,’ or ‘Second thoughts are best.’ That last is what Samuel Johnson would have called a beaut. What superior claims the second thought has over the first or the seventy-seventh thought, that it should become axiomatic, I vow I can’t see. If it’s morality you’re after I am dead against the teachings of that proverb. The second thought is the open door to duplicity when it comes to a question of morals. You ask a small boy, who has been in swimming when he ought to have been at Sunday-school, why his shirt is wet. His first thought is naturally to reply along the line of fact and say, ‘Why, because it fell into the pond.’ But second thought comes along with visions of hard spanking and a supperless bed in store for him, and suggests the idea that ‘There was a leak in the Sunday-school roof right over the place where I was sitting,’ or, ‘I sat down on the teacher’s glass of water.’ That’s the sort of thing second thought does in the matter of morals.

“I admit, of course, that there are times when second thoughts are better than first ones—for instance, if your first thought is to name the baby Jimmie and Jimmie turns out to be a girl, it is better to obey your second thought and call her Gladys or Samantha—but it is not always so, and I object to the nerve of the broad, general statement that it is so. Sometimes fifth thoughts are best. In science I guess you’ll find that the man who thinks the seven hundred and ninety-seventh thought along certain lines has got the last and best end of it. And so it goes—out of the infinitesimal number of numbers, every mother’s son of ’em may at the psychological moment have a claim to the supremacy, but your self-sufficient old proverb-maker falls back behind the impenetrable wall of his own conceit, and announces that because he has nothing but secondhand thoughts, therefore the second thought is best, and we, like a flock of sheep, follow this leader, and go blatting that sentiment down through the ages as if it were proved beyond peradventure by the sum total of human experience.”

“Well, you needn’t get mad about it,” said the Lawyer. “I never said it—so you can’t blame me.”

“Still, there are some proverbs,” said Mr. Whitechoker, blandly, “that we may not so summarily dismiss. Take, for instance, ‘You never miss the water till the well runs dry.’”

“One of the worst of the lot, Mr. Whitechoker,” said the Idiot. “I’ve missed the water lots of times when the well was full as ever. You miss the water when the pipes freeze up, don’t you? You—or rather I—I sometimes miss the water like time at five o’clock in the morning after a pleasant evening with some jovial friends, when there’s no end of it in the well, but not a drop within reach of my fevered hand, and I haven’t the energy to grope my way downstairs to the ice-pitcher. There’s more water in that proverb than tangible assets. From the standpoint of veracity that’s one of the most immoral proverbs of the lot—and if you came to apply it to the business world—oh, Lud! As a rule, these days, you never find the water till the well has been pumped dry and put in the hands of a receiver for the benefit of the bond-holders. Fact is, all these water proverbs are to be regarded with suspicion.”

“I don’t recall any other,” said Mr. Whitechoker.

“Well,” said the Idiot, “there’s one, and it’s the nerviest of ’em all—‘Water never runs up hill.’ Ask any man in Wall Street how high the water has run up in the last five years and see what he tells you. And then, ‘You may drive a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink,’ is another choice specimen of the Waterbury School of Philosophy. I know a lot of human horses who have been driven to water lately, and such drinkers as they have become! It’s really awful. If I knew the name of that particular Maximilian who invented those water proverbs I’d do my best to have him indicted for doing business without a license.”

“It’s very unfortunate,” said Mr. Whitechoker, “that modern conditions should so have upset the wisdom of the ancients.”

“It is too bad,” said the Idiot. “And I am just as sorry about it as you are; but, after all, the wisdom of the ancients, wise and wisdomatic as it was, should not be permitted to put at nought all modern thought. Why not adapt the wisdom of the ancients to modern conditions? You can’t begin too soon, for new generations are constantly springing up, and I know of no better outlet for reform than in these selfsame Spencerian proverbs which the poor kids have to copy, copy, copy, until they are sick and tired of them. Now, in the writing-lessons, why not adapt your means to your ends? Why make a beginner in penmanship write over and over again, ‘A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?’—which it isn’t, by-the-way, to a man who is a good shot—when you can bear in on his mind that ‘A dot on the I is worth two on the T’; or, for the instruction of your schoolteachers, why don’t you get up a proverb like ‘It’s a long lesson that has no learning’? Or if you are interested in having your boy brought up to the strenuous life, why don’t you have him make sixty copies of the aphorism, ‘A punch in the solar is worth six on the nose?’ You tell your children never to whistle until they are out of the woods. Now, where in the name of all that’s lovely should a boy whistle if not in the woods? That’s where birds whistle. That’s where the wind whistles. If nature whistles anywhere, it is in the woods. Woods were made for whistling, and any man who ever sat over a big log-fire in camp or in library who has not noticed that the logs themselves whistle constantly—well, he is a pachyderm.”

“Well, as far as I can reach a conclusion from all that you have said,” put in Mr. Whitechoker, “the point seems to be that the proverbs of the ancients are not suited to modern conditions, and that you think they should be revised.”

“Exactly,” said the Idiot.

“It’s a splendid idea,” said Mr. Brief. “But, after all, you’ve got to have something to begin on. Possibly,” he added, with a wink at the Bibliomaniac, “you have a few concrete examples to show us what can be done.”

“Certainly,” said the Idiot. “Here is a list of them.”

And as he rose up to depart he handed Mr. Brief a paper on which he had written as follows:

“You never find the water till the stock falls off twenty points.”

“A stitch in time saves nothing at all at present tailors’ rates.”

“You look after the pennies. Somebody else will deposit the pounds.”

“It’s a long heiress that knows no yearning.”

“Second thoughts are always second.”

“Procrastination is the theme of gossips.”

“Never put off today what you can put on day after tomorrow.”

“Sufficient unto the day are the obligations of last month.”

“One good swat deserves another.”

“By Jove!” said Mr. Brief, as he read them off, “you can’t go back on any of ’em, can you?”

“No,” said the Bibliomaniac; “that’s the great trouble with the Idiot. Even with all his idiocy he is not always a perfect idiot.”

II

HE DISCUSSES THE IDEAL HUSBAND

“Well, I see the Ideal Husband has broken out again,” said the Idiot, after reading a short essay on that interesting but rare individual by Gladys Waterbury Shrivelton of the Woman’s Page of the Squehawkett Gazoo. “I’d hoped they had him locked up for good, he’s been so little in evidence of late years.”

“Why should you wish so estimable an individual to be locked up?” demanded Mr. Pedagog, who, somehow or other, seemed to take the Idiot’s suggestion as personal.

“To keep his idealness from being shattered,” said the Idiot. “Nothing against the gentleman himself, I can assure you. It would be a pity, I think, once you have really found an Ideal Husband, to subject him to the coarse influences of the world; to let him go forth into the madding crowd and have the sweet idyllic bloom rubbed off by the attritions of the vulgar. I feel about the Ideal Husband just as I do about a beautiful peachblow vase which is too fragile, too delicate to be brought into contact with the ordinary earthenware of society. The earthenware isn’t harmed by bumping into the peachblow, but the peachblow will inevitably turn up with a crack here and a nick there and a hole somewhere else after such an encounter. If I were a woman and suddenly discovered that I had an Ideal Husband, I think at my personal sacrifice I’d present him to the Metropolitan Museum of Art or immure him in some other retreat where his perfection would remain forever secure—say, up among the Egyptian mummies of the British Museum. We cannot be too careful, Mr. Pedagog, of these rarely beautiful things that are now and again vouchsafed to us.”

“What is an Ideal Husband, anyhow?” asked Mr. Brief. “Has the recipe for such an individual at last been discovered?”

“Yes,” put in Mrs. Pedagog, before the Idiot had a chance to reply, and here the dear old landlady fixed her eyes firmly and affectionately upon her spouse, the Schoolmaster. “I can tell you the recipe for the Ideal Husband. Years, sixty-three—”

“Sixty-two, my dear,” smiled Mr. Pedagog, “and—er—a fraction—verging on sixty-three.”

“Years, verging on sixty-three,” said Mrs. Pedagog, accepting the correction. “Character developed by time and made secure. Eyes, blue; disposition when vexed, vexatious; disposition when pleased, happy; irritable from just cause; considerate always; calm exterior, heart of gold; prompt in anger and quick in forgiveness; and only one old woman in the world for him.”

“A trifle bald-headed, but a true friend when needed, eh?” said the Idiot.

“I try to be,” said Mr. Pedagog, pleasantly complacent.

“Well, you succeed in both,” said the Idiot.

“For your trifling baldness is evident when you remove your hat, which, like a true gentleman, you never fail to do at the breakfast-table, and, after a fifteen years’ experience with you, I for one can say that I have found you always the true friend when I needed you—I never told how, without my solicitation and entirely upon your own initiative, you once loaned me the money to pay Mrs. Pedagog’s bill over which she was becoming anxious.”

“John,” cried Mrs. Pedagog, severely, “did you ever do that?”

“Well, my dear—er—only once, you know, and you were so relieved—” began Mr. Pedagog.

“You should have lent the money to me, John,” said Mrs. Pedagog, “and then I should not have been compelled to dun the Idiot.”

“I know, my dear, but you see I knew the Idiot would pay me back, and perhaps—well, only perhaps, my love—you might not have thought of it,” explained the Schoolmaster, with a slight show of embarrassment.

“The Ideal Husband is ever truthful, too,” said the landlady, with a smile as broad as any.

“Well, it’s too bad, I think,” said the Lawyer, “that a man has to be verging on sixty-three to be an Ideal Husband. I’m only forty-four, and I should hate to think that if I should happen to get married within the next two or three years my wife would have to wait at least fifteen years before she could find me all that I ought to be. Moreover, I have been told that I have black eyes.”

“With the unerring precision of a trained legal mind,” said the Idiot, “you have unwittingly put your finger on the crux of the whole matter, Mr. Brief. Mrs. Pedagog has been describing her Ideal Husband, and I am delighted to know that what I have always suspected to be the case is in fact the truth: that her husband in her eyes is an ideal one. That’s the way it ought to be, and that is why we have always found her the sweetest of landladies, but because Mrs. Pedagog prefers Mr. Pedagog in this race for supremacy in the domain of a woman’s heart is no reason why you who are only bald-headed in your temper, like most of us, should not prove to be equally the ideal of some other woman—in fact, of several others. Women are not all alike. As a matter of fact, a gentleman named Balzac, who was the Marie Corelli of his age in France, once committed himself to the inference that no two women ever were alike, so that, if you grant the truth of old Balzac’s inference, the Ideal Husband will probably vary to the extent of the latest count of the number of women in the world. So why give up hope because you are only forty-nine?”

“Forty-four,” corrected the Lawyer.

“Pardon me—forty-four,” said the Idiot. “When you are in the roaring forties, five or six years more or less do not really count. Lots of men who are really only forty-two behave like sixty, and I know one old duffer of forty-nine who has the manners of eighteen. The age question does not really count.”

“No—you are proof of that,” said the Bibliomaniac. “You have been twenty-four years old for the last fifteen years.”

“Thank you, Mr. Bib,” said the Idiot. “You are one of the few people in the world who really understand me. I have tried to be twenty-four for the past fifteen years, and if I have succeeded, so much the better for me. It’s a beautiful age. You feel that you know so much when you’re twenty-four. If it should turn out to be the answer to ‘How old is Ann?’ the lady should be congratulated. But, as a matter of fact, you can be an Ideal Husband at any old age.”

“Humph! At seven, for instance?” drawled Mr. Brief.

“Seven is not any old age,” retorted the Idiot. “It is a very certain old youth. Nor does it depend upon the color of the eyes, so long as they are neither green nor red. Nobody could ever make an Ideal Husband out of a green-eyed man, or a chap given to the red eye, either—”

“It all depends upon the kind of a man you are, eh?” said the Bibliomaniac.

“Not a bit of it,” said the Idiot. “It depends on the kind of wife you’ve got, and that’s why I say that the Ideal Husband varies to the extent of the latest count of the women in the world. Take the case of Mr. Pedagog here. Mrs. Pedagog accuses him of being an Ideal Husband, and he, without any attempt at evasion, acknowledges the corn, like the honorable gentleman he is. But can you imagine Mr. Pedagog being an Ideal Husband to some lady in the Four Hundred, with a taste for grand opera that strikes only on the box; with a love for Paris gowns that are worth a fortune; with the midnight supper and cotillion after habit firmly intrenched in her character; with an ambition to shine all summer at Newport, all autumn at Lenox, all winter at New York, with a dash to England and France in the merry, merry springtime? Do you suppose our friend John Pedagog here would be in it with Tommie Goldilocks Van Varick as the Ideal Husband of such a woman? Not on your life. Well, then, take Tommie Goldilocks Van Varick, who’d be the Ideal Spouse of this brilliant social light Mrs. Van Varick. How would he suit Mrs. Pedagog, rising at eleven-thirty every day and yelling like mad for the little blue bottle which clears the head from the leftover cobwebs of yesterday; eating his egg and drinking his coffee with a furrow in his brow almost as deep as the pallor of his cheek, and now and then making a most awful grimace because the interior of his mouth feels like a bargain day at the fur-counter of a department store; spending his afternoon sitting in the window of the Hunky Dory Club ogling the passers-by and making bets on such important questions as whether more hansoms pass up the Avenue than down, or whether the proportion of red-haired girls to white horses is as great between three and four p.m. as between five and six—”

“I don’t see how a woman could stand a man like that,” said Mrs. Pedagog. “Indeed, I don’t see where his ideal qualities come in, anyhow, Mr. Idiot. I think you are wrong in putting him among the Ideal Husbands even for Mrs. Van Varick.”

“No, I am not wrong, for he is indeed the very essence of her ideal because he doesn’t make her stand him,” said the Idiot. “He never bothers Mrs. Van Varick at all. On the first of every month he sends her a check for a good round sum with which she can pay her bills. He presents her with a town house and a country house, and a Limousine car, and all the furs she can possibly want; provides her with an opera-box, and never fails, when he himself goes to the opera, to call upon her and pay his respects like a gentleman. If she sustains heavy losses at bridge, he makes them good, and when she gives a dinner to her set, or to some distinguished social lion from other zoos, Van Varick is always on hand to do the honors of his house, and what is supposed to be his table. He and Mrs. Van Varick are on the most excellent terms; in fact, he treats her with more respect than he does any other woman he knows, never even suggesting the idea of a flirtation with her. In other words, he does not interfere with her in any way, which is the only kind of man in the world she could be happy with.”

“It’s perfectly awful!” cried Mrs. Pedagog. “If they never see each other, what on earth did they ever get married for?”

“Protection,” said the Idiot. “And it is perfectly splendid in its results. Mrs. Van Varick, being married to so considerate an absentee, is able to go about very much as she pleases backed with the influence and affluence of the Van Varick name. This as plain little Miss Floyd Poselthwaite she was unable to do. She has now an assured position, and is protected against the chance of marrying a man who, unlike Van Varick, would growl at her expenditures, object to her friends, and insist upon coming home to dinner every night, and occasionally turn up at breakfast.”

“Sweet life,” said the Bibliomaniac. “And what does the Willieboy husband get out of it?”

“Pride, protection, and freedom,” said the Idiot. “He’s as proud as Punch when he sees Mrs. Van V. swelling about town with her name kept as standing matter in every society column in the country. His freedom he enjoys, just as she enjoys hers. If he doesn’t turn up for six weeks she never asks any questions, and so Van Varick can live on easy terms with the truth. If he sits up all night over a game of cards, there’s nobody to chide him for doing so, and—”

“But where does his protection come in? That’s what I can’t see,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“It’s as plain as a pikestaff,” said the Idiot. “With Mrs. Van Varick on the tapis, Tommie is safe from designing ladies who might marry him for his money.”

“Well, he’s a mighty poor ideal!” cried Mr. Pedagog.

“He certainly would not do for Mrs. Pedagog,” said the Idiot. “But you would yourself be no better for Mrs. Van Varick. The red Indian makes an Ideal Husband for the squaw, but he’d never suit a daughter of the British nobility any more than the Duke of Lacklands would make a good husband for dusky little Minnehaha. So I say what’s the use of discussing the matter any further with the purpose of arbitrarily settling on what it is that constitutes an Ideal Husband? We may all hope to be considered such if we only find the girl that likes our particular kind.”

“Then,” said Mr. Brief, with a smile, “your advice to me is not to despair, eh?”

“That’s it,” said the Idiot. “I wouldn’t give up, if I were you. There’s no telling when someone will come along to whom you appear to be the perfect creature.”

“Good!” cried Mr. Brief. “You are mighty kind. I don’t suppose you can give me a hint as to how soon I may expect to meet the lady?”

“Well—no, I can’t,” said the Idiot. “I don’t believe even Edison could tell you about when to look for arrivals from Mars.”

III

THE IDIOT’S VALENTINE

“Well, old man,” said the Poet, as the Idiot entered the breakfast-room on the morning of Valentine’s day, “how did old St. Valentine treat you? Any results worth speaking of?”

“Oh, the usual lay-out,” returned the Idiot, languidly. “Nine hundred and forty-two passionate declarations of undying affection from unknown lady friends in all parts of the civilized world; one thousand three hundred and twenty-four highly colored but somewhat insulting intimations that I had better go ’way back and sit down from hitherto unsuspected gentlemen friends scattered from Maine to California; one small can of salt marked ‘St. Valentine to the Idiot,’ with sundry allusions to the proper medical treatment of the latter’s freshness, and a small box containing a rubber bottle-stopper labeled ‘Cork up and bust.’ I can’t complain.”

“Well, you did come in for your share of it, didn’t you?” said Mr. Brief.

“Yes,” said the Idiot, “I think I got all that was coming to me, and I wouldn’t have minded it if I hadn’t had to pay three dollars overdue postage on ’em. I don’t bother much if some anonymous chap off in the wilds of Kalikajoo takes the trouble to send me a funny picture of a monkey grinding a hand-organ with ‘the loving regards of your brother,’ or if somebody else who is afraid of becoming too fond of me sends me a horse-chestnut with a line to the effect that here is one I haven’t printed, I don’t feel like getting mad; but when I have to pay the postage on the plaguey things it strikes me it is rubbing it in a little too hard, and if I could find two or three of the senders I’d spend an hour or two of my time banging their heads together.”

“I got off pretty well,” said the Bibliomaniac. “I only got one valentine, and though it cast some doubt upon the quality of my love for books, I found it quite amusing. I’ll read it to you.”

Here the Bibliomaniac took a small paper from his pocket and read the following lines:

THE HUNGRY BIBLIOMANIAC

If only you would cut your books
As often as your butter,
When people ask you what’s inside
You wouldn’t sit and sputter.
The reading that hath made you full,
The reading that doth chain you,
Is not from books, or woman’s looks,
But fresh from off the menu.

“What do you think of that?” asked the Bibliomaniac, with a chuckle, as he folded up his valentine and stowed it away in his pocket once more.

“I think I can spot the sender,” said the Idiot, fixing his eyes sternly upon the Poet. “It takes genius to get up a rhyme like ‘men’ and ‘chain you,’ and I know of only one man at this board or at any other who is equal to the task.”

“If you mean me,” retorted the Poet, flushing, “you are mightily mistaken. I wouldn’t waste a rhyme like that on a personal valentine when I could tack it on to the end of a sonnet and go out and sell it for two-fifty.”

“Then you didn’t do it, eh?” demanded the Idiot.

“No. Did you?” asked the Poet, with his eyes twinkling.

“Sir,” said the Idiot, “if I had done it, would I have had the unblushing effrontery to say, as I just now did say, that its author was a genius?”

“Well, we’re square, anyhow,” said the Poet. “You cast me under suspicion, to begin with, and it was only fair that I should whack back. I got a valentine myself, and I suspect it was from the same hand. It runs like this:

“TO THE MINOR POET

“You do not pluck the fairy flowers
That bloom on high Parnassus,
Nor do you gather thistles like
Some of those mystic asses
Who browse about old Helicon
In hope to fill their tummies;
Yours rather are those dandy-lines—
Gilt-topped chrysanthemummies—
Quite pleasant stuff
That ends in fluff—
Yet when they are beholden
Make all the world look golden.”

“Well,” ejaculated the Idiot, “I don’t see what there is in that to make you angry. Seems to me there’s some very nice compliments in that. For instance, your stuff when ’tis

‘beholden

Makes all the world look golden,’

according to your anonymous correspondent. If he’d been vicious he might have said something like this:

‘—withal so supercilious

They make the whole earth bilious.’”

The Poet grinned. “I’m not complaining about it. It’s a mighty nice little verse, I think, and my only regret is that I do not know who the chap was who sent it. I’d like to thank him. I had an idea you might help me,” he said, with a searching glance.

“I will,” said the Idiot. “If the man who sent you that ever reveals his identity to me I will tell him you fell all over yourself with joy on receiving his tribute of admiration. How did you come out, Doctor?”

“Oh, he remembered me, all right,” said the Doctor. “Quite in the same vein, too, only he’s not so complimentary. He calls me ‘The Humane Surgeon,’ and runs into rhyme after this fashion:

“O, Doctor Blank’s a surgeon bold,
A surgeon most humane, sir;
And what he does is e’er devoid
Of ordinary pain, sir.

“If he were called to amputate
A leg hurt by a bullet,
He wouldn’t take a knife and cut—
But with his bill he’d pull it.”

“He must have had some experience with you, Doctor,” said the Idiot. “In fact, he knows you so well that I am inclined to think that the writer of that valentine lives in this house, and it is just possible that the culprit is seated at this table at this moment.”

“I think it very likely,” said the Doctor, dryly. “He’s a fresh young man, five feet ten inches in height—”

“Pooh—pooh!” said the Idiot. “That’s the worst description of Mr. Brief I ever heard. Mr. Brief, in the first place, is not a young man, and he isn’t fresh—”

“I didn’t mean Mr. Brief,” said the Doctor, significantly.

“Then you ought to be ashamed of yourself to intimate that Mr. Whitechoker, a clergyman, would stoop to the writing of such a rhyme as that,” cried the Idiot. “People nowadays seem to me to be utterly lacking in that respect for the cloth to which it is entitled. Mr. Brief, if you really wrote that thing you owe it to Mr. Whitechoker to own up and thus relieve him of the suspicion the Doctor has so unblushingly cast upon him.”

“I can prove an alibi,” said the Lawyer. “I could no more turn a rhyme than I could play ‘Parsifal’ on a piano with one finger, and I wouldn’t if I could. I judge, from what I know of the market value of poems these days, that that valentine of the Doctor’s is worth about two dollars. It would take me a century to write it, and inasmuch as my time is worth at least five dollars a year it stands to reason that I would not put in five hundred dollars’ worth of effort on a two-dollar job. So that lets me out. By-the-way, I got one of these trifles myself. Want to hear it?”

“I am just crazy to hear it,” said the Idiot. “If any man has reduced you to poetry, Mr. Brief, he’s a great man. With all your many virtues, you seem to me to fit into a poetical theme about as snugly as an automobile with full power on in a china-shop. By all means let us have it.”

“This modern St. Valentine of ours has reduced the profession to verse with a nicety that elicits my most profound admiration,” said Mr. Brief. “Just listen to this:

“The Lawyer is no wooer, yet
To sue us is his whim.
The Lawyer is no tailor, but
We get our suits from him.
The longest things in all the world—
They are the Lawyer’s briefs,
And all the joys he gets in life
Are other people’s griefs.
Yet spite of all the Lawyer’s faults
He’s one point rather nice:
He’ll not remain lest you retain
And never gives advice.”

“The author of these valentines,” said the Doctor, “is to be spotted, the way I diagnose the case, by his desire that professional people should be constantly giving away their services. He objects to the Doctor’s bill and he slaps sarcastically at the Lawyer because he doesn’t give advice. That’s why I suspect the Idiot. He’s a professional Idiot, and yet he gives his idiocy away.”

“When did I ever give myself away?” demanded the Idiot. “You are talking wildly, Doctor. The idea of your trying to drag me into this thing is preposterous. Suppose you show down your valentine and see if it is in my handwriting.”

“Mine is typewritten,” said the Doctor.

“So is mine,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“Mine, too,” said the Poet.

“Same here,” said Mr. Brief.

“Well, then,” said the Idiot, “I’m willing to write a page in my own hand without any attempt to disguise it, and let any handwriting expert decide as to whether there is the slightest resemblance between my chirography and these typewritten sheets you hold in your hand.”

“That’s fair enough,” said Mr. Whitechoker.

“Besides,” persisted the Idiot, “I’ve received one of the things myself, and it’ll make your hair curl, if you’ve got any. Typewritten like the rest of ’em. Shall I read it?”

By common consent the Idiot read the following:

“Idiot, zany, brain of hare,
Dolt and noodle past compare,
Buncombe, bosh, and verbal slosh,
Mind of nothing, full of josh,
Madman, donkey, dizzard-pate,
U. S. Zero Syndicate,
Dull, depressing, lack of wit,
Incarnation of the nit.
Minus, numskull, drivelling baby,
Greenhorn, dunce, and dotard Gaby;
All the queer and loony chorus
Found in old Roget’s Thesaurus,
Flat and crazy through and through,
That, O Idiot—that is you.
Let me tell you, sir, in fine,
I won’t be your Valentine.

“What do you think of that?” asked the Idiot, when he had finished. “Wouldn’t that jar you?”

“I think it’s perfectly horrid,” said Mrs. Pedagog. “Mary, pass the pancakes to the Idiot. Mr. Idiot, let me hand you a full cup of coffee. John, hand the Idiot the syrup. Why, how a thing like that should be allowed to go through the mails passes me!”

And the others all agreed that the landlady’s indignation was justified, because they were fond of the Idiot in spite of his faults. They would not see him abused, at any rate.

•    •    •

“Say, old man,” said the Poet, later, “I really thought you sent those other valentines until you read yours.”

“I thought you would,” said the Idiot. “That’s the reason why I worked up that awful one on myself. That relieves me of all suspicion.”

IV

HE DISCUSSES FINANCE

A messenger had just brought a “collect” telegram for the Doctor, and that gentleman, after going through all his pockets, and finding nothing but a bunch of keys and a prescription-pad, made the natural inquiry:

“Anybody got a quarter?”

“I have,” said the Idiot. “One of the rare mintage of 1903, circulated for a short time only and warranted good as new.”

“I didn’t know the 1903 quarter was rare,” said the Bibliomaniac, who prided himself on being a numismatist of rare ability. “Who told you the 1903 quarter was rare?”

“My old friend, Experience,” said the Idiot.

“What’s rare about it?” demanded the Bibliomaniac.

“Why—it’s what they call ready money, spot cash, the real thing with the water squeezed out, selling at par on sight,” explained the Idiot. “Millions of people never saw one, and under modern conditions it is very difficult to amass them in any considerable quantity. What is worse, even if you happen to get one of them it is next to impossible to hang on to it without unusual effort. If you have a 1903 quarter in your pocket, somehow or other the idea that it is in your possession seems to communicate itself to others, and every effort is made to lure it away from you on some pretext or other.”

“Excuse me for interrupting this lecture of yours, Mr. Idiot,” said the Doctor, amiably, “but would you mind lending me that quarter to pay this messenger? I’ve left my change in my other clothes.”

“What did I tell you?” cried the Idiot, triumphantly. “The words are no sooner out of my mouth than they are verified. Hardly a minute elapses from the time Doctor Capsule learns that I have that quarter before he puts in an application for it.”

“Well, I renew the application in spite of its rarity,” laughed the Doctor. “It’s even rarer with me than it is with you. Shell out—there’s a good chap.”

“I will if you’ll put up a dollar for security,” said the Idiot, extracting the coin from his pocket, “and give me a demand note at thirty days for the quarter.”

“I haven’t got a dollar,” said the Doctor.

“Well, what other collateral have you to offer?” asked the Idiot. “I won’t take buckwheat-cakes, or muffins, or your share of the sausages, mind you. They come under the head of wildcat securities—here today and gone tomorrow.”

“My, but you’re a Shylock!” ejaculated Mr. Brief.

“Not a bit of it,” retorted the Idiot. “If I were Shylock I’d be willing to take a steak for security, but there’s none of the pound of flesh business about me. I simply proceed cautiously, like any modern financial institution that intends to stay in the ring more than two weeks. I’m not one of your fortnightly trust companies with an oak table, an unpaid bill for office rent, and a patent reversible disappearing president for its assets. I do business on the national-bank principle: millions for the rich, but not one cent for the man that needs the money.”

“I tell you what I’ll do,” said the Doctor. “If you’ll lend me that quarter, I won’t charge you a cent for my professional services next time you need them.”

“That’s a large offer, but I’m afraid of it,” replied the Idiot. “It partakes of the nature of a speculation. It’s dealing in futures, which is not a safe thing for a financial institution to do, I don’t care how solid it is. You don’t catch the Chemistry National Bank lending money to anybody on mere prospects, and, what is more, in my case, I’d have to get sick to win out. No, Doctor, that proposition does not appeal to me.”

“Looks hopeless, doesn’t it,” said the Doctor. “Mary, tell the boy to wait while I run upstairs—”

“I wouldn’t do that,” said the Idiot, interrupting. “The matter can be arranged in another way. I honestly don’t like to lend money, believing with Polonius that it’s a bad thing to do. As the Governor of North Carolina said to the Governor of South Carolina, who owed him a hundred dollars, ‘It’s a long time between payments on account,’ and that sort of thing breaks up families, not to mention friendships. But I will match you for it.”

“How can I match when I haven’t anything to match with?” said the Doctor, growing a trifle irritable.

“You can match your credit against my quarter,” said the Idiot. “We can make it a mental match—a sort of Christian Science gamble. What am I thinking of, heads or tails?”

“Heads,” said the Doctor.

“By Jove, that’s hard luck!” ejaculated the Idiot. “You lose. I was thinking of tails.”

“Oh, thunder!” cried the Doctor, impatiently.

“Try it again, double or quits. What am I thinking of?” said the Idiot.

“Heads,” repeated the Doctor.

“Somebody must have told you. Heads it is. You win. We are quits, Doctor,” said the Idiot.

“But I am still without the quarter,” the physician observed.

“Yep,” said the Idiot. “But there’s one more way out of it. I’ll buy the telegram from you—C.O.D.”

“Done,” said the Doctor, holding out the message. “Here’s your goods.”

“And there’s your money,” said the Idiot, tossing the quarter across the table. “If you want to buy this message back at any time within the next sixty days, Doctor, I’ll give you the refusal of it without extra charge.”

And he folded the paper up and put it away in his pocketbook.

“Do the banks really ask for so much security when they make a loan?” asked the Poet.

“Hear him, will you!” cried the Idiot. “There’s your lucky man. He’s never had to face a bank president in order to avoid the cold glances of the grocer. No cashier ever asked him how many times he had been sentenced to states-prison before he’d discount his note. Do they ask security? Security isn’t the name for it. They demand a blockade, establish a quarantine. They require the would-be debtor to build up a wall as high as Chimborazo and as invulnerable as Gibraltar between them and the loss before they will part with a dime. Why, they wouldn’t discount a note to his own order for Andrew Carnegie for seventeen cents without his endorsement. Do they ask security!”

“Well, I didn’t know,” said the Poet. “I never had anything to do with banks except as a small depositor in the savings-bank.”

“Fortunate man,” said the Idiot. “I wish I could say as much. I borrowed five hundred dollars once from a bank, and what the deuce do you suppose they did?”

“I don’t know,” said the Poet. “What?”

“They made me pay it back,” said the Idiot, mournfully, “although I needed it just as much when it was due as when I borrowed it. The cashier was a friend of mine, too. But I got even with ’em. I refused to borrow another cent from their darned old institution. They lost my custom then and there. If it hadn’t been for that inconsiderate act I should probably have gone on borrowing from them for years, and instead of owing them nothing today, as I do, I should have been their debtor to the tune of two or three thousand dollars.”

“Don’t you take any stock in what the Idiot tells you in that matter, Mr. Poet,” said Mr. Brief. “The national banks are perfectly justified in protecting themselves as they do. If they didn’t demand collateral security they’d be put out of business in fifteen minutes by people like the Idiot, who consider it a hardship to have to pay up.”

“As the lady said when she was asked the name of her favorite author, ‘Pshaw!’” retorted the Idiot. “Likewise fudge—a whole panful of fudges! I don’t object to paying my debts; fact is, I know of no greater pleasure. What I do object to is the kind of collateral the banks demand. They always want something a man hasn’t got and, in most cases, hasn’t any chance of getting. If I had a thousand-dollar bond I wouldn’t need to borrow five hundred dollars, yet when I go to the bank and ask for the five hundred the thousand-dollar bond is what they ask for.”

“Not always,” said Mr. Brief. “If you can get your note endorsed you can get the money.”

“That’s true enough, but fellows like myself can’t always find a captain of industry who is willing to take a long shot to do the endorsing,” said the Idiot. “Besides, under the endorsement plan you merely ask another man to be responsible for your debt, and that isn’t fair. The whole system is wrong. Every man to his own collateral, I say. Give me the bank that will lend money to the chap that needs it on the security of his own product. Mr. Whitechoker, say, is short on cash and long on sermons. My style of bank would take one barrel of his sermons and salt ’em down in the safe-deposit company as security for the money he needs. The Poet here, finding the summer approaching and not a cent in hand to replenish his wardrobe, should be able to secure an advance of two or three hundred dollars on his sonnets, rondeaux, and lyrics—one dollar for each two-and-a-half-dollar sonnet, and so on. The grocer should be able to borrow money on his dried apples, his vinegar pickles, his canned asparagus, and other non-perishable assets, such as dog-biscuit, Roquefort cheese, and California raisins. The tailor seeking an accommodation of five hundred dollars should not be asked how many times he has been sentenced to jail for arson, and required to pay in ten thousand shares of Steel common, in order to get his grip on the currency, but should be approached appropriately and asked how many pairs of trousers he is willing to pledge as security for the loan.”

“I don’t know where I would come in on that proposition,” said the Doctor. “There are times when we physicians need money, too.”

“Pooh!” said the Idiot. “You are not a non-producer. It doesn’t take a very smart doctor these days to produce patients, does it? You could assign your cases to the bank. One little case of hypochondria alone ought to be a sufficient guarantee of a steady income for years, properly managed. If you haven’t learned how to keep your patients in such shape that they have to send for you two or three times a week, you’d better go back to the medical school and fit yourself for your real work in life. You never knew a plumber to be so careless of his interests as to clean up a job all at once, and what the plumber is to the household, the physician should be to the individual. Same way with Mr. Brief. With the machinery of the law in its present shape there is absolutely no excuse for a lawyer who settles any case inside of fifteen years, by which time it is reasonable to suppose his client will get into some new trouble that will keep him going as a paying concern for fifteen more. There isn’t a field of human endeavor in which a man applies himself industriously that does not produce something that should be a negotiable security.”

“How about burglars?” queried the Bibliomaniac.

“I stand corrected,” said the Idiot. “The burglar is an exception, but then he is an exception also at the banks. The expert burglar very seldom leaves any security for what he gets at the banks, and so he isn’t affected by the situation one way or the other.”

“Oh, well,” said Mr. Brief, rising, “it’s only a pipe-dream all the way through. They might start in on such a proposition, but it would never last. When you went in to borrow fifteen dollars, putting up your idiocy as collateral, the emptiness of the whole scheme would reveal itself.”

“You never can tell,” observed the Idiot. “Even under their present system the banks have done worse than that.”

“Never!” cried the Lawyer.

“Yes, sir,” replied the Idiot. “Only the other day I saw in the papers that a bank out in Oklahoma had loaned a man ten thousand dollars on sixty thousand shares of Hot Air preferred.”

“And is that worse than Idiocy?” demanded Mr. Brief.

“Infinitely,” said the Idiot. “If a bank lost fifteen dollars on my idiocy it would be out ninety-nine hundred and eighty-five dollars less than that Oklahoma institution is on its hot-air loan.”

“Bosh! What’s Hot Air worth on the Exchange today?”

“As a selling proposition, zero and commissions off,” said the Idiot. “Fact is, they’ve changed its name. It is now known as International Nitting.”

V

HE SUGGESTS A COMIC OPERA

“There’s a harvest for you,” said the Idiot, as he perused a recently published criticism of a comic opera. “There have been thirty-nine new comic operas produced this year and four of ’em were worth seeing. It is very evident that the Gilbert and Sullivan industry hasn’t gone to the wall whatever slumps other enterprises have suffered from.”

“That is a goodly number,” said the Poet. “Thirty-nine, eh? I knew there was a raft of them, but I had no idea there were as many as that.”

“Why don’t you go in and do one, Mr. Poet?” suggested the Idiot. “They tell me it’s as easy as rolling off a log. All you’ve got to do is to forget all your ideas and remember all the old jokes you ever heard, slap ’em together around a lot of dances, write two dozen lyrics about some Googoo Belle, hire a composer, and there you are. Hanged if I haven’t thought of writing one myself.”

“I fancy it isn’t as easy as it looks,” observed the Poet. “It requires just as much thought to be thoughtless as it does to be thoughtful.”

“Nonsense,” said the Idiot. “I’d undertake the job cheerfully if some manager would make it worth my while, and, what’s more, if I ever got into the swing of the business I’ll bet I could turn out a libretto a day for three days of the week for the next two months.”

“If I had your confidence I’d try it,” laughed the Poet, “but, alas! in making me Nature did not design a confidence man.”

“Nonsense, again,” said the Idiot. “Any man who can get the editors to print sonnets to ‘Diana’s Eyebrow,’ and little lyrics of Madison Square, Longacre Square, Battery Place, and Boston Common, the way you do, has a right to consider himself an adept at bunco. I tell you what I’ll do with you: I’ll swap off my confidence for your lyrical facility, and see what I can do. Why can’t we collaborate and get up a libretto for next season? They tell me there’s large money in it.”

“There certainly is if you catch on,” said the Poet. “Vastly more than in any other kind of writing that I know. I don’t know but that I would like to collaborate with you on something of the sort. What is your idea?”

“Mind’s a blank on the subject,” sighed the Idiot. “That’s the reason I think I can turn the trick. As I said before, you don’t need ideas. Better go without ’em. Just sit down and write.”

“But you must have some kind of a story,” persisted the Poet.

“Not to begin with,” said the Idiot. “Just write your choruses and songs, slap in your jokes, fasten ’em together, and the thing is done. First act, get your hero and heroine into trouble. Second act, get ’em out.”

“And for the third?” queried the Poet.

“Don’t have a third,” said the Idiot. “A third is always superfluous; but, if you must have it, make up some kind of a vaudeville show and stick it in between the first and second.”

“Tush!” said the Bibliomaniac. “That would make a gay comic opera.”

“Of course it would, Mr. Bib,” the Idiot agreed. “And that’s what we want. If there’s anything in this world that I hate more than another it is a sombre comic opera. I’ve been to a lot of ’em, and I give you my word of honor that next to a funeral a comic opera that lacks gaiety is one of the most depressing functions known to modern science. Some of ’em are enough to make an undertaker weep with jealous rage. I went to one of ’em last week called ‘The Skylark,’ with an old chum of mine who is a surgeon. You can imagine what sort of a thing it was when I tell you that after the first act he suggested we leave the theater and come back here and have some fun cutting my leg off. He vowed that if he ever went to another opera by the same people he’d take ether beforehand.”

“I shouldn’t think that would be necessary,” sneered the Bibliomaniac. “If it was as bad as all that, why didn’t it put you to sleep?”

“It did,” said the Idiot. “But the music kept waking us up again. There was no escape from it except that of actual physical flight.”

“Well, about this collaboration of ours,” suggested the Poet. “What do you think we should do first?”

“Write an opening chorus, of course,” said the Idiot. “What did you suppose? A finale? Something like this:

“If you want to know who we are,
Just ask the Evening Star,
As he smiles on high
In the deep-blue sky,
With his tralala-la-la-la.
We are maidens sweet
With tripping feet,
And the googoo eyes
Of the skippity-hi’s,
And the smile of the fair gazoo;
And you’ll find our names
’Mongst the wondrous dames
Of the Who’s Who-hoo-hoo-hoo.”

“Get that sung with spirit by sixty-five ladies with blond wigs and gold slippers, otherwise dressed up in the uniform of a troop of Russian cavalry, and you’ve got your venture launched.”

“Where can you find people like that?” asked the Bibliomaniac.

“New York’s full of ’em,” replied the Idiot.

“I don’t mean the people to act that sort of thing—but where would you lay your scene?” explained the Bibliomaniac.

“Oh, any old place in the Pacific Ocean,” said the Idiot. “Make your own geography—everybody else does. There’s a million islands out there of one kind or another, and as defenseless as a two-weeks’-old infant. If you want a real one, fish it out and fire ahead. If you don’t, make one up for yourself and call it ‘The Isle of Piccolo,’ or something of that sort. After you’ve got your chorus going, introduce your villain, who should be a man with a deep bass voice and a piratical past. He’s the chap who rules the roost and is going to marry the heroine tomorrow. That will make a bully song:

“I’m a pirate bold

With a heart so cold

That it turns the biggest joys to solemn sorrow;

And the hero-ine,
With her eyes so fine,
I am going to—marry—to-morrow.

CHORUS

“He is go-ing to-marry—to-morrow
The maid with a heart full of sorrow;
For her we are sorry
For she weds to-morry—
She is going to-marry—to-morrow.”

“Gee!” added the Idiot, enthusiastically, “can’t you almost hear that already?”

“I am sorry to say,” said Mr. Brief, “that I can. You ought to call your heroine Drivelina.”

“Splendid!” cried the Idiot. “Drivelina goes. Well, then, on comes Drivelina, and this beast of a pirate grabs her by the hand and makes love to her as if he thought wooing was a game of snap-the-whip. She sings a soprano solo of protest, and the pirate summons his hirelings to cast Drivelina into a Donjuan cell, when boom! an American warship appears on the horizon. The crew, under the leadership of a man with a squeaky tenor voice, named Lieutenant Somebody or Other, comes ashore, puts Drivelina under the protection of the American flag, while his crew sing the following:

“We are jackies, jackies, jackies,
And we smoke the best tobaccys
You can find from Zanzibar to Honeyloo.
And we fight for Uncle Sammy,
Yes, indeed we do, for damme

You can bet your life that that’s the thing to do,

Doodle-do!

You can bet your life that that’s the thing to doodle—doodle—doodle—doodle-do.”

“Eh! What?” demanded the Idiot.

“Well—what yourself?” asked the Lawyer. “This is your job. What next?”

“Well—the pirate gets lively, tries to assassinate the lieutenant, who kills half the natives with his sword, and is about to slay the pirate when he discovers that he is his long-lost father,” said the Idiot. “The heroine then sings a pathetic love-song about her baboon baby, in a green light to the accompaniment of a lot of pink satin monkeys banging coconut-shells together. This drowsy lullaby puts the lieutenant and his forces to sleep, and the curtain falls on their capture by the pirate and his followers, with the chorus singing:

“Hooray for the pirate bold,
With his pockets full of gold;
He’s going to marry to-morrow.
To-morrow he’ll marry,
Yes, by the Lord Harry,
He’s go-ing—to-marry—to-mor-row!
And that’s a thing to doodle—doodle-doo.”

“There,” said the Idiot, after a pause. “How is that for a first act?”

“It’s about as lucid as most of them,” said the Poet, “but, after all, you have got a story there, and you said you didn’t need one.”

“I said you didn’t need one to start with,” corrected the Idiot. “And I’ve proved it. I didn’t have that story in mind when I started. That’s where the easiness of the thing comes in. Why, I didn’t even have to think of a name for the heroine. The inspiration for that popped right out of Mr. Brief’s mouth as smoothly as though the name Drivelina had been written on his heart for centuries. Then the title—‘The Isle of Piccolo’—that’s a dandy, and I give you my word of honor, I’d never even thought of a title for the opera until that revealed itself like a flash from the blue; and as for the coon song, ‘My Baboon Baby,’ there’s a chance there for a Zanzibar act that will simply make Richard Wagner and Reginald de Koven writhe with jealousy. Can’t you imagine the lilt of it:

“My bab-boon—ba-habee,
My bab-boon—ba-habee—
I love you dee-her-lee
Yes dee-hee-hee-er-lee.
My baboon—ba-ha-bee,
My baboon—ba-ha-bee,

My baboon—ba-hay-hay-hay-hay-hay-hay-bee-bee.”

“And all those pink satin monkeys bumping their coconut-shells together in the green moonlight—”

“Well, after the first act, what?” asked the Bibliomaniac.

“The usual intermission,” said the Idiot. “You don’t have to write that. The audience generally knows what to do.”

“But your second act?” asked the Poet.

“Oh, come off,” said the Idiot, rising. “We were to do this thing in collaboration. So far, I’ve done the whole blooming business. I’ll leave the second act to you. When you collaborate, Mr. Poet, you’ve got to do a little colabbing on your own account. What did you think you were to do—collect the royalties?”

“I’m told,” said the Lawyer, “that that is sometimes the hardest thing to do in a comic opera.”

“Well, I’ll be self-sacrificing,” said the Idiot, “and bear my full share of it.”

“It seems to me,” said the Bibliomaniac, “that that opera produced in the right place might stand a chance of a run.”

“Thank you,” said the Idiot. “After all, Mr. Bib, you are a man of some penetration. How long a run?”

“One consecutive night,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“Ah—and where?” demanded the Idiot, with a smile.

“At Bloomingdale,” answered the Bibliomaniac, severely.

“That’s a very good idea,” said the Idiot. “When you go back there, Mr. Bib, I wish you’d suggest it to the superintendent.”

VI

HE DISCUSSES FAME

“Mr. Poet,” said the Idiot, the other morning as his friend, the Rhymster, took his place beside him at the breakfast-table, “tell me: How long have you been writing poetry?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Poet, modestly. “I don’t know that I’ve ever written any. I’ve turned out a lot of rhymes in my day, and have managed to make a fair living with them, but poetry is a different thing. The divine afflatus doesn’t come to everyone, you know; and I doubt if anybody will be able to say whether my work has shown an occasional touch of inspiration, or not until I have been dead fifty or a hundred years.”

“Tut!” exclaimed the Idiot. “That’s all nonsense. I am able to say now whether or not your work shows the occasional touch of inspiration. It does. In fact, it shows more than that. It shows a semi-occasional touch of inspiration. How long have you been in the business?”

“Eighteen years,” sighed the Poet. “I began when I was twelve with a limerick. As I remember the thing, it went like this:

“There was a young man of Cohasset

Turned on the red-hot water-faucet.

When asked: ‘Is it hot?’

He answered, ‘Well, thot

Is a pretty mild way for to class it.’”

“Good!” said the Idiot. “That wasn’t a bad beginning for a boy of twelve.”

“So my family thought,” said the Poet. “My mother sent it to the Under the Evening Lamp Department of our town paper, and three weeks later I was launched. I’ve had the cacoethes scribendi ever since—but, alas! I got more fame in that brief hour of success than I have ever been able to win since. It is a mighty hard job, Mr. Idiot, making a name for yourself these days.”

“That’s the point I was getting at,” said the Idiot, “and I wanted to have a talk with you on the subject. I’ve read a lot of your stuff in the past eight or ten years, and, in my humble judgment, it is better than any of that rhymed nonsense of Henry Wintergreen Boggs, whose name appears in the newspapers every day in the year; of Susan Aldershot Spinks, whose portrait is almost as common an occurrence in the papers as that of Lydia Squinkham; of Circumflex Jones, the eminent sweet singer of Arizona; or of Henderson Hartley MacFadd, the Canadian Browning, of whom the world is constantly hearing so much. I have wondered if you were going about it in the right way. What is your plan for winning fame?”

“Oh, I keep plodding away, doing the best I can all the while,” said the Poet. “If there’s any good in my stuff, or any stuff in my goods, I’ll get my reward someday.”

“Fifty or a hundred years after you’re dead, eh?” said the Idiot.

“Yes,” smiled the Poet.

“Well—your board-bills won’t be high then, anyhow,” said the Idiot. “That’s one satisfaction, I presume. They tell me Homer hasn’t eaten a thing for over twenty centuries. Seems to me, though, that if I were a poet I’d go in for a little fame while I was alive. It’s all very nice to work the skin off your knuckles, and to twist your gray matter inside out until it crocks and fades, so that your great-grandchildren can swell around the country sporting a name that has become a household word, but I’m blessed if I care for that sort of thing. I don’t believe in storing up caramels for some twenty-first-century baby that bears my name to cut his teeth on, when I have a sweet tooth of my own that is pining away for the lack of nourishment; and, if I were you, I’d go in for the new method. What if Browning and Tennyson and Longfellow and Poe did have to labor for years to win the laurel crown, that’s no reason why you should do it. You might just as well reason that because your forefathers went from one city to another in a stage-coach you should eschew railways.”

“I quite agree with you,” replied the Poet. “But in literature there is no royal road to fame that I know of.”

“What!” cried the Idiot. “No royal road to fame in letters! Why, where have you been living all these years, Mr. Poet? This is the age of the Get Fame-Quick Scheme. You can make a reputation in five minutes, if you only know the ropes. I know of at least two department stores where you can go and buy all you want of it, and in all its grades—from notoriety down to the straight goods.”

“Fame? At a department store!” put in Mr. Whitechoker, incredulously.

“Certainly,” said the Idiot. “Ready-made laurels on demand. Why not? It’s the easiest thing in the world. Fact is, between you and me, I am considering a plan now for the promoting of a corporation to be called the United States Fame Company, Limited, the main purpose of which shall be to earn money for its stockholders by making its customers famous at so much per head. It won’t make any difference whether the customer wishes to be famous as an actor, a novelist, or a poet, or any other old thing. We’ll turn the trick for him, and guarantee him more than a taste of immortality.”

“You may put me down for four dollars’ worth of notoriety,” said Mr. Brief, with a laugh.

“All right,” said the Idiot, dryly. “There’s a lot in your profession who like the cheap sort. But I warn you in advance that if you go in for cheap notoriety, you’ll find it a pretty hard job getting anybody to sell you any eighteen-karat distinction later.”

“Well,” said the Poet, “I don’t know that I can promise to be one of your customers until I know something of the quality of the fame you have to sell. Tell me of somebody you’ve made a name for, and I’ll take the matter into consideration if I like the style of laurel you have placed on his brow.”

“Lean over here and I’ll whisper,” said the Idiot. “I don’t mind telling you, but I don’t believe in giving away the secrets of the trade to the rest of these gentlemen.”

The Poet did as he was bade, and the Idiot whispered a certain great name in his ear.

“No!” cried the Poet, incredulously.

“Yes, sir. Fact!” said the Idiot. “He was made famous in a night. The first thing we did was to get him to elongate his signature. He was writing as—P. K. Dubbins we’ll call him, for the sake of the argument. Now a name like that couldn’t be made great under any circumstances whatsoever, so we made him write it out in full: Philander Kenilworth Dubbins—regular broadside, you see. P. K. Dubbins was a pop-shot, but Philander Kenilworth Dubbins spreads out like a dum-dum bullet or hits you like a blast from a Gatling gun. Printed, it takes up a whole line of a newspaper column; put at the top of an advertisement, it strikes the eye with the convincing force of a circus-poster. You can’t help seeing it, and it makes, when spoken, a mouthful that is nothing short of impressive and sonorous.”

“Still,” suggested Mr. Brief, with a wink at the Bibliomaniac, “you have only multiplied your difficulties by three. If it was hard for your friend Dubbins to make one name famous, I can’t see that he improves matters by trying to make three names famous.”

“On the modern business principle that to accomplish anything you must work on a large scale,” said the Idiot. “Philander Kenilworth Dubbins was a better proposition than P. K. Dubbins. The difference between them in the mere matter of potentialities is the difference between a corner grocery and a department store, or a kite with a tail and one without. Well, having created the name, the next thing to do was to exploit it, and we advertised Dubbins for all there was in him. We got Mr. William Jones Brickbat, the eminent novelist, to say that he had read Dubbins’s poems, and had not yet died; we got Edward Pinkham, the author of ‘The Man with the Watering-pot,’ to send us a typewritten letter, saying that Dubbins was a coming man, and that his latest book, Howls from Helicon, contained many inspired lines. But, best of all, we prevailed upon the manufacturers of celluloid soap to print a testimonial from Dubbins himself, saying that there was no other soap like it in the market. That brought his name prominently before every magazine-reader in the country, because the celluloid-soap people are among the biggest advertisers of the day, and everywhere that soap ad went, why, Dubbins’s testimonial went also, as faithfully as Mary’s Little Lamb. After that we paid a shirt-making concern downtown to put out a new collar called ‘The Helicon,’ which they advertised widely with a picture of Dubbins’s head sticking up out of the middle of it; and, finally, as a crowning achievement, we leased Dubbins for a year to a five-cent cigar company, who have placarded the fences, barns, and chicken-coops from Maine to California with the name of Dubbins—‘Flora Dubbins: The Best Five-Cent Smoke in the Market.’”

“And thus you made the name of Dubbins famous in letters!” sneered the Doctor.

“That was only the preliminary canter,” replied the Idiot. “So far, Dubbins’s greatness was confined to fences, barns, chicken-coops, and the advertising columns of the magazines. The next thing was to get him written up in the newspapers. That sort of thing can’t be bought, but you can acquire it by subtlety. Plan one was to make an after-dinner speaker out of Dubbins. This was easy. There are a million public dinners every year, but a limited supply of good speakers; so, with a little effort, we got Dubbins on five toast-cards, hired a humorist out in Wisconsin to write five breezy speeches for him, Dubbins committed them to memory, and they went off like hot-cakes. Morning papers would come out with Dubbins’s picture printed in between that of Bishop Potter and a member of the cabinet, who also spoke. Copies of Dubbins’s speeches were handed to the reporters before the dinner began, so that it didn’t make any difference whether Dubbins spoke them or not—the papers had ’em next morning just the same, and inside of six months you couldn’t read an account of any public banquet without running up against the name of Philander Kenilworth Dubbins.”

“Well, I declare!” ejaculated Mr. Whitechoker. “What a strange affair!”

“Then we got Dubbins’s publishers to take a hand,” said the Idiot. “They issued a monthly budget of gossip concerning their authors, which newspaper editors all over quoted in their interesting items of the day. From these paragraphs the public learned that Dubbins wrote between 4 a.m. and breakfast-time; that Dubbins never penned a line without having a tame rabbit, named Romola, sitting alongside of his ink-pot; that Dubbins got his ideas for his wonderful poem, ‘The Mystery of Life,’ from hearing a canary inadvertently whistle a bar of ‘Hiawatha;’ that Dubbins was the best-dressed author in the State of New York, affecting green plaid waistcoats, pink shirts, and red neckties; witty things that Dubbins’s boy had said about Dubbins’s work to Dubbins himself were also spread all over the land, until finally Philander Kenilworth Dubbins became a select series of household words in every town, city, and hamlet in the United States. And there he is today—a great man, bearing a great name, made for him by his friends. Howls from Helicon is full of bad poems, but Dubbins is a son of Parnassus just the same. Now we propose to do it for others. For five dollars down, Mr. Poet, I’ll make you conspicuous; for ten, I’ll make you notorious; for fifty, I’ll make you famous; for a hundred, I’ll give you immortality.”

“Good!” cried the Poet. “Immortality for a hundred dollars is cheap. I’ll take that.”

“You will?” said the Idiot, joyfully. “Put up your money.”

“All right,” laughed the Poet. “I’ll pay—C. O. D.”

“Another hundred gone!” moaned the Idiot, as the party broke up and its members went their several ways. “I think it’s abominable that this commercial spirit of the age should have affected even you poets. You ought to have gone into business, old man, and left the Muses alone. You’ve got too good a head for poetry.”

VII

ON THE DECADENCE OF APRIL-FOOL’S-DAY

“I am sorry to observe,” said the Idiot, as he sat down at the breakfast-table yesterday morning, “that the good old customs of my youthful days are dying out by slow degrees, and the celebrations that once filled my childish soul with glee are no longer a part of the pleasures of the young. Actually, Mr. Whitechoker, I got through the whole day yesterday without sitting on a single pin or smashing my toes against a brickbat hid beneath a hat. What on earth can be coming over the boys of the land that they no longer avail themselves of the privileges of the fool-tide?”

“Fool-tide’s good,” said Mr. Brief. “Where did you get that?”

“Oh, I pried it out of my gray-matter ’way back in the last century,” said the Idiot. “It grew out of a simple little prank I played one April 1st upon an uncle of mine. I bored a hole in the middle of a pine log and filled it with powder. We had it that night on the hearth, and a moment later there wasn’t any hearth. In talking the matter over later with my father and mother and the old gentleman, in order to turn the discussion into more genial channels, I asked why, if the Yule-log was appropriate for the Yuletide, the Fool-log wasn’t appropriate for the Fool-tide.”

“I hope you got the answer you deserved,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“I did,” sighed the Idiot. “I got all there was coming to me—slippers, trunk-strap, hairbrush, and plain hand; but it was worth it. All the glories of Vesuvius, Etna, Popocatepetl, and Pelée rolled into one could never thereafter induce in me anything approaching that joyous sensation that I derived from the spectacle of that fool-log and that happy hearth soaring up through the chimney together, hand in hand, and taking with them such portions of the flues, andirons, and other articles of fireplace vertu as cared to join them in their upward flight.”

“You must have been a holy terror as a boy,” said the Doctor. “I should not have cared to live on your block.”

“Oh, I wasn’t so bad,” observed the Idiot. “I never was vicious or malicious in what I did. If I poured vitriol into the coffeepot at breakfast my father and mother knew that I didn’t do it to give pain to anybody. If I hid under my maiden aunt’s bed and barked like a bulldog after she had retired, dear old Tabitha knew that it was all done in a spirit of pleasantry. When I glued my grandfather’s new teeth together with stratina, that splendid old man was perfectly aware that I had no grudge I was trying thus to repay; and certainly the French teacher at school, when he sat down on an iron bear-trap I had set for him in his chair, never entertained the notion that there was the slightest animosity in my act.”

“By jingo!” cried the Bibliomaniac. “I’d have spanked you good and hard if I’d been your mother.”

“Don’t you fret—she did it; that is, she did up to the time I was ten years old, and then she had such a shock she gave up corporeal punishment altogether,” said the Idiot.

“Had a shock, eh?” smiled the Lawyer. “Nearly killed you, I suppose, giving you what you deserved?”

“No,” said the Idiot. “Spanked me with a hairbrush without having removed a couple of Excelsior torpedoes from my pistol-pocket. On the second whack I appeared to explode. Poor woman! She didn’t know I was loaded, and from that time on she was as afraid of me as most other women are of a gun.”

“I’d have turned you over to your father,” said the Bibliomaniac, indignantly.

“She did,” said the Idiot, sadly. “I never used explosives again. In later years I took up the milder April-fool diversions, such as filling the mucilage-pot with ink and the ink-pot with mucilage; mixing the granulated sugar with white sand; putting powdered brick into the red-pepper pot; inserting kerosene-oil into the sweet-oil bottle, and little things like that. I squandered a whole dollar one April-fool’s-day sending telegrams to my uncles and aunts, telling them to come and dine with us that night; and they all came, too, although my father and mother were dining out that evening, and—oh dear, April-fool’s-day is not what it used to be. The boys and girls of the present generation are little old men and women with no pranks left in them. Why, I don’t believe that nine out of ten boys, who are about to enter college this spring, could rig up a successful tick-tack on a window to save their lives; and the joy of carrying a piece of twine across the sidewalk from a front doorknob to a lamppost, hat-high, and then sitting back in the seclusion of a convenient area and watching the plug-hats of the people go down before it—that is a joy that seems to be wholly untasted of the present generation of infantile dignitaries that we call the youth of the land. What is the matter with ’em, do you suppose?”

“I guess we’re getting civilized,” said Mr. Brief. “That seems to me to be the most likely explanation of this deplorable situation, as you appear to think it. For my part, I’m glad if what you say is true. Of all rotten things in the world the practical jokes of April-fool’s-day bear away the palm. There was a time, ten years ago, when I hardly dared eat anything on the first of April. I was afraid to find my coffee made of ink, my muffin stuffed with cotton, cod-liver oil in my salad dressing, and mayonnaise in my cream-puffs. Such tricks are the tricks of barbarians, and I shall rejoice when April 1st as a day of special privilege for idiots and savages has been removed from the calendar.”

“I am afraid,” said Mr. Whitechoker, “that I, too, must join the ranks of those who rejoice if the old-time customs of the day are now honored more in the breach than in the observance. Ever since that unhappy Sunday morning some years ago when somebody substituted a breakfast bill-of-fare for the card containing the notes for my sermon, I have mistrusted the humor of the April-fool joke. Instead of my text, as I glanced at what I supposed was my note-card, my eyes fell upon the statement that fruit taken from the table would be charged for; instead of my firstly, secondly, thirdly, and fourthly, my eyes were confronted by Fish, Eggs, Hot Bread, and To Order. And, finally, in place of the key-line of my peroration, what should obtrude itself upon my vision but that coarse and vulgar legend: Corkage, one dollar. I never found out who did it, and, as a Christian man, I hope I never shall, for I should much deprecate the spirit of animosity with which I should inevitably regard the person who had so offended.”

“I’ll bet you preached a bully good sermon, allee samee,” said the Idiot.

“Well,” smiled Mr. Whitechoker, “the congregation did seem to think that it held more fire than usual; but I can assure you, my young friend, it was more the fire of external wrath than of an inward spiritual grace.”

“Well,” said the Bibliomaniac, “we ought to be thankful the old tricks are going out. As Mr. Brief suggests, we are beginning to be civilized—”

“I don’t think it’s civilization,” said the Idiot. “I think the kids are just discouraged, that’s all. They’re clever, these youngsters, but when it comes to putting up games, they’re not in it with their far more foxy fathers. What’s the use of playing April-fool jokes on your daddy, when your daddy is playing April-fool jokes on the public all the year round? That’s the way they reason. No son of George W. Midas, the financier, is going to get any satisfaction out of handing his father a loaded cigar, when he knows that the old man is handling that sort of thing every day in his business as a promoter of the United States Hot Air Company. What fun is there in giving your sister a caramel filled with tabasco sauce when you can watch your father selling eleven dollars’ worth of Amalgamated Licorice stock to the dear public for forty-seven fifty? The gumdrop filled with cotton loses its charm when you contrast it with Consolidated Radium containing one part of radium and ninety-nine parts of water. Who cares to hide a clay brick under a hat for somebody to kick, when there are concerns in palatial offices all over town selling gold bricks to a public that doesn’t seem to have any kick left in it? I tell you it has discouraged the kid to see to what scientific heights the April-fool industry has been developed, and as a result he has abandoned the field. He knows he can’t compete.”

“That’s all right as an explanation of the youngster whose parent is engaged in that sort of business,” said the Doctor. “But there are others.”

“True,” said the Idiot. “The others stay out of it out of sheer pity. When they are tempted to sew up the legs of their daddy’s trousers in order to fitly celebrate the day, or to fill his collar-box with collars five sizes too small for him, they say, ‘No. Let us refrain. The governor has had trouble enough with his International Yukon Anticipated Brass shares this year. He’s had all the fooling he can stand. We will give the old gentleman a rest!’ Fact is, come to look at it, the decadence of April 1st as a day of foolery for the young is no mystery, after all. The youngsters are not more civilized than we used to be, but they have had the intelligence to perceive the exact truth of the situation.”

“Which is?” asked Mr. Brief.

“That the ancient art of practical joking has become a business. April-fool’s-day has been incorporated by the leading financiers of the age, and is doing a profitable trade all over the world all the year round. Private enterprise is simply unable to compete.”

“I am rather surprised, nevertheless,” said Mr. Brief, “that you yourself have abandoned the field. You are just the sort of person who would keep on in that kind of thing, despite the discouragements.”

“Oh, I haven’t abandoned the field,” said the Idiot. “I did play an April-fool joke last Friday.”

“What was that?” asked Mr. Whitechoker, interested.

“I told Mrs. Pedagog that I would pay my bill tomorrow,” replied the Idiot, as he rose from the table and left the room.

VIII

SPRING AND ITS POETRY

“Well, Mr. Idiot,” said Mrs. Pedagog, genially, as the Idiot entered the breakfast-room, “what can I do for you this fine spring morning? Will you have tea or coffee?”

“I think I’d like a cup of boiled iron, with two lumps of quinine and a spoonful of condensed nerve-milk in it,” replied the Idiot, wearily. “Somehow or other I have managed to mislay my spine this morning. Ethereal mildness has taken the place of my backbone.”

“Those tired feelings, eh?” said Mr. Brief.

“Yeppy,” replied the Idiot. “Regular thing with me. Every year along about the middle of April I have to fasten a poker on my back with straps, in order to stand up straight; and as for my knees—well, I never know where they are in the merry, merry springtime. I’m quite sure that if I didn’t wear brass caps on them my legs would bend backward. I wonder if this neighborhood is malarious.”

“Not in the slightest degree,” observed the Doctor. “This is the healthiest neighborhood in town. The trouble with you is that you have a swampy mind, and it is the miasmatic oozings of your intellect that reduce you to the condition of physical flabbiness of which you complain. You might swallow the United States Steel Trust, and it wouldn’t help you a bit, and ten thousand bottles of nerve-milk, or any other tonic known to science, would be powerless to reach the seat of your disorder. What you need to stiffen you up is a pair of those armored trousers the Crusaders used to wear in the days of chivalry, to bolster up your legs, and a strait-jacket to keep your back up.”

“Thank you, kindly,” said the Idiot. “If you’ll give me a prescription, which I can have made up at your tailor’s, I’ll have it filled, unless you’ll add to my ever-increasing obligation to you by lending me your own strait-jacket. I promise to keep it straight and to return it the moment you feel one of your fits coming on.”

The Doctor’s response was merely a scornful gesture, and the Idiot went on:

“It’s always seemed a very queer thing to me that this season of the year should be so popular with everybody,” he said. “To me it’s the mushiest of times. Mushy bones; mushy poetry; mush for breakfast, fried, stewed, and boiled. The roads are mushy; lovers thaw out and get mushier than ever.

“In the spring the blasts of winter all are stilled in solemn hush.

In the spring the young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of mush.

In the spring—”

“You ought to be ashamed of yourself to trifle with so beautiful a poem,” interrupted the Bibliomaniac, indignantly.

“Who’s trifling with a beautiful poem?” demanded the Idiot.

“You are—‘Locksley Hall’—and you know it,” retorted the Bibliomaniac.

“Locksley nothing,” said the Idiot. “What I was reciting is not from ‘Locksley Hall’ at all. It’s a little thing of my own that I wrote six years ago called ‘Spring Unsprung.’ It may not contain much delicate sentiment, but it’s got more solid information in it of a valuable kind than you’ll find in ten ‘Locksley Halls’ or a dozen Etiquette Columns in the Lady’s Away From Home Magazine. It has saved a lot of people from pneumonia and other disorders of early spring, I am quite certain, and the only person I ever heard criticize it unfavorably was a doctor I know who said it spoiled his business.”

“I should admire to hear it,” said the Poet. “Can’t you let us have it?”

“Certainly,” replied the Idiot. “It goes on like this:

“In the spring I’ll take you driving, take you driving, Maudy dear,

But I beg of you be careful at this season of the year.

It is true the birds are singing, singing sweetly all their notes,

But you’ll later find them wearing canton-flannel ’round their throats.

It is true the lark doth warble, ‘Spring is here,’ with bird-like fire,

‘All is warmth and all is genial,’ but I fear the lark’s a liar.

All is warmth for fifteen minutes, that is true; but wait awhile,

And you’ll find that April’s weather has not ever changed its style;

And beware of April’s weather, it is pleasant for a spell,

But, like little Johnny’s future, you can’t always sometimes tell.

Often modest little violets, peeping up from out their beds

In the balmy morn by night-time have bad colds within their heads;

And the buttercup and daisy twinkling gayly on the lawn,

Sing by night a different story from their carollings at dawn;

And the blossoms of the morning, hailing spring with joyous frenzy,

When the twilight falls upon them often droop with influenzy.

So, dear Maudy, when we’re driving, put your linen duster on,

And your lovely Easter bonnet, if you wish to, you may don;

But be careful to have with you sundry garments warm and thick:

Woollen gloves, a muff, and ear-tabs, from the icebox get the pick;

There’s no telling what may happen ere we’ve driven twenty miles,

April flirts with chill December, and is full of other wiles.

Bring your parasol, O Maudy—it is good for tête-à-têtes;

At the same time you would better also bring your hockey skates.

There’s no telling from the noon-tide, with the sun a-shining bright,

Just what kind of winter weather we’ll be up against by night.”

“Referring to the advice,” said Mr. Brief, “that’s good. I don’t think much of the poetry.”

“There was a lot more of it,” said the Idiot, “but it escapes me at the moment. Four lines I do remember, however:

“Pin no faith to weather prophets—all their prophecies are fakes,

Roulette-wheels are plain and simple to the notions April takes.

Keep your children in the nursery—never mind it if they pout—

And, above all, do not let your furnace take an evening out.”

“Well,” said the Poet, “if you’re going to the poets for advice, I presume your rhymes are all right. But I don’t think it is the mission of the poet to teach people common-sense.”

“That’s the trouble with the whole tribe of poets,” said the Idiot. “They think they are licensed to do and say all sorts of things that other people can’t do and say. In a way I agree with you that a poem shouldn’t necessarily be a treatise on etiquette or a sequence of health hints, but it should avoid misleading its readers. Take that fellow who wrote

“‘Sweet primrose time! When thou art here
I go by grassy ledges
Of long lane-side, and pasture mead,
And moss-entangled hedges.’

“That’s very lovely, and, as far as it goes, it is all right. There’s no harm in doing what the poet so delicately suggests, but I think there should have been other stanzas for the protection of the reader like this:

“But have a care, oh, readers fair,
To take your mackintoshes,
And on your feet be sure to wear
A pair of stanch galoshes.

“Nor should you fail when seeking out
The primrose, golden yeller,
To have at hand somewhere about
A competent umbrella.

“Thousands of people are inspired by lines like the original to go gallivanting all over the country in primrose time, to return at dewy eve with all the incipient symptoms of pneumonia. Then there’s the case of Wordsworth. He was one of the loveliest of the Nature poets, but he’s eternally advising people to go out in the early spring and lie on the grass somewhere, listening to cuckoos doing their cooking, watching the daffodils at their daily dill, and hearing the crocus cuss; and some sentimental reader out in New Jersey thinks that if Wordsworth could do that sort of thing, and live to be eighty years old, there’s no reason why he shouldn’t do the same thing. What’s the result? He lies on the grass for two hours and suffers from rheumatism for the next ten years.”

“Tut!” said the Poet. “I am surprised at you. You can’t blame Wordsworth because some New Jerseyman makes a jackass of himself.”

“In a way all writers should be responsible for the effect of what they write on their readers,” said the Idiot. “When a poet of Wordsworth’s eminence, directly or indirectly, advises people to go out and lie on the grass in early spring, he owes it to his public to caution them that in some localities it is not a good thing to do. A rhymed footnote—

“This habit, by-the-way, is good
In climes south of the Mersey;
But, I would have it understood,
It’s risky in New Jersey—

would fulfill all the requirements of the special individual to whom I have referred, and would have shown that the poet himself was ever mindful of the welfare of his readers.”

The Poet was apparently unconvinced, so the Idiot continued:

“Mind you, old man, I think all this poetry is beautiful,” he said; “but you poets are too prone to confine your attention to the pleasant aspects of the season. Here, for instance, is a poet who asks

‘What are the dearest treasures of spring?’

and then goes on to name the cheapest as an answer to his question. The primrose, the daffodil, the rosy haze that veils the forest bare, the sparkle of the myriad-dimpled sea, a kissing-match between the sunbeams and the raindrops, reluctant hopes, the twitter of swallows on the wing, and all that sort of thing. You’d think spring was an iridescent dream of ecstatic things; but of the tired feeling that comes over you, the spine of jelly, the wobbling knee, the chills and fever that come from sniffing ‘the scented breath of dewy April’s eve,’ the doctor’s bills, and suchlike things are never mentioned. It isn’t fair. It’s all right to tell about the other things, but don’t forget the drawbacks. If I were writing that poem I’d have at least two stanzas like this:

“And other dearest treasures of spring

Are daily draughts of withering, blithering squills,

To cure my aching bones of darksome chills;

And at the door my loved physician’s ring;

“The tender sneezes of the early day;
The sudden drop of Mr. Mercury;
The veering winds from S. to N. by E.—
And hunting flats to move to in the May.

You see, that makes not only a more comprehensive picture, but does not mislead anybody into the belief the spring is all velvet, which it isn’t by any means.”

“Oh, bosh!” cried the Poet, very much nettled, as he rose from the table. “I suppose if you had your way you’d have all poetry submitted first to a censor, the way they do with plays in London.”

“No, I wouldn’t have a censor; he’d only increase taxes unnecessarily,” said the Idiot, folding up his napkin, and also rising to leave. “I’d just let the Board of Health pass on them; it isn’t a question of morals so much as of sanitation.”

IX

ON FLAT-HUNTING

“Aha!” cried the Poet, briskly rubbing his hands together, and drawing a deep breath of satisfaction, “these be great days for people who are fond of the chase, who love the open, and who would commune with Nature in her most lovely mood. Just look out of that window, Mr. Idiot, and drink in the joyous sunshine. Egad! sir, even the asphalted pavement and the brick-and-mortar façade of the houses opposite, bathed in that golden light, seem glorified.”

“Thanks,” said the Idiot, wearily, “but I guess I won’t. I’m afraid that while I was drinking in those glorified flats opposite and digesting the golden-mellow asphalt, you would fasten that poetic grip of yours upon my share of the blossoming buckwheats. Furthermore, I’ve been enjoying the chase for two weeks now, and, to tell you the honest truth, I am long on it. There is such a thing as chasing too much, so if you don’t mind I’ll sublet my part of the contract for gazing out of the window at gilt-edged Nature as she appears in the city to you. Mary, move Mr. Poet’s chair over to the window so that he may drink in the sunshine comfortably, and pass his share of the sausages to me.”

“What have you been chasing, Mr. Idiot?” asked the Doctor. “Birds or the fast-flitting dollar?”

“Flats,” said the Idiot.

“I didn’t know you Wall Street people needed to hunt flats,” said the Bibliomaniac. “I thought they just walked into your offices and presented themselves for skinning.”

“I don’t mean the flats we live on,” explained the Idiot. “It’s the flats we live in that I have been after.”

The landlady looked up inquiringly. Mr. Idiot’s announcement sounded ominous.

“To my mind, flat-hunting,” the Idiot continued, “is one of the most interesting branches of sport. It involves quite as much uncertainty as the pursuit of the whirring partridge; your game is quite as difficult to lure as the speckled trout darting hither and yon in the grassy pool; it involves no shedding of innocent blood, as in the case of a ride across-country with a pack in full pursuit of the fox; and strikes me as possessing greater dignity than running forty miles through the cabbage-patches of Long Island in search of a bag of anise seed. When the sporting instinct arises in my soul and reaches that full-tide where nothing short of action will hold it in control, I never think of starting for Maine to shoot the festive moose, nor do I squander my limited resources on a foggy hunt for the elusive canvasback in the Maryland marshes. I just go to the nearest cabstand, strike a bargain with Mr. Jehu for an afternoon’s use of his hansom, and go around the town hunting flats. It requires very little previous preparation; it involves no prolonged absences from home; you do not need rubber boots unless you propose to investigate the cellars or intend to go far afield into the suburban boroughs of this great city; and is in all ways pleasant, interesting, and, I may say, educational.”

“Educational, eh?” laughed the Bibliomaniac. “Some people have queer ideas of what is educational. I must say I fail to see anything particularly instructive in flat-hunting.”

“That’s because you never approached it in a proper spirit,” said the Idiot. “Anybody who is at all interested in sociology, however, cannot help but find instruction in a contemplation of how people are housed. You can’t get any idea of how the other halves live by reading the society news in the Sunday newspapers or peeping in at the second story of the tenement-houses as you go downtown on the elevated railroads. You’ve got to go out and investigate for yourself, and that’s where flat-hunting comes in as an educational diversion. Of course, all men are not interested in the same line of investigation. You, as a bibliomaniac, prefer to go hunting rare first editions; Dr. Pellet, armed to the teeth with capsules, lies in wait for a pot-shot at some new kind of human ailment, and rejoices as loudly over the discovery of a new disease as you do over finding a copy of the rare first edition of the Telephone Book for 1899; another man goes to Africa to investigate the condition of our gorillan cousin of the jungle; Lieutenant Peary goes and hides behind a snow-ball up North, so that his fellows of the Arctic Exploration Society may have something to look for every other summer; and I—I go hunting for flats. I don’t sneer at you and the others for liking the things you do. You shouldn’t sneer at me for liking the things I do. It is, after all, the diversity of our tastes that makes our human race interesting.”

“But the rest of us generally bag something,” said the Lawyer. “What the dickens do you get beyond sheer physical weariness for your pains?”

“The best of all the prizes of the hunt,” said the Idiot; “the spirit of content with my lot as a boarder. I’ve been through twenty-eight flats in the last three weeks, and I know whereof I speak. I have seen the gorgeous apartments of the Redmere, where you can get a Louis Quinze drawing-room, a Renaissance library, a superb Grecian dining-room, and a cold-storage box to keep your high-balls in for four thousand dollars per annum.”

“Weren’t there any bedrooms?” asked Mr. Whitechoker.

“Oh yes,” said the Idiot. “Three, automatically ventilated from holes in the ceiling leading to an air-shaft, size six by nine, and brilliantly lighted by electricity. There was also a small pigeonhole in a corrugated iron shack on the roof for the cook; a laundry next to the coal-bin in the cellar; and a kitchen about four feet square connecting with the library.”

“Mercy!” cried Mrs. Pedagog. “Do they expect children to live in such a place as that?”

“No,” said the Idiot. “You have to give bonds as security against children of any kind at the Redmere. If you happen to have any, you are required by the terms of your lease to send them to boarding-school; and if you haven’t any, the lease requires that you shall promise to have none during your tenancy. The owners of such properties have a lot of heart about them, and they take good care to protect the children against the apartments they put up.”

“And what kind of people, pray, live in such places as that?” demanded the Bibliomaniac.

“Very nice people,” said the Idiot. “People, for the most part, who spend their winters at Palm Beach, their springs in London, their summers at Newport or on the Continent, and their autumns in the Berkshires.”

“I don’t see why they need a home at all if that’s the way they do,” said Mrs. Pedagog.

“It’s very simple,” said the Idiot. “You’ve got to have an address to get your name in the Social Register.”

“Four thousand dollars is pretty steep for an address,” commented the Bibliomaniac.

“It would be for me,” said the Idiot. “But it is cheap for them. Moreover, in the case of the Redmere it’s the swellest address in town. Three of the most important divorces of the last social season took place at the Redmere. Social position comes high, Mr. Bib, but there are people who must have it. It is to them what baked beans are to the Bostonian’s Sunday breakfast—a sine qua non.”

“May I ask whatever induced you to look for a four-thousand-dollar apartment?” asked Mr. Pedagog. “You have frequently stated that your income barely equaled twenty-four hundred dollars a year.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” asked the Idiot. “It doesn’t cost any more to look for a four-thousand-dollar apartment than it does to go chasing after a two-dollar-a-week hall-bedroom, and it impresses the cabdriver with a sense of responsibility. But bagging these gorgeous apartments does not constitute the real joy of flat-hunting. For solid satisfaction and real sport the chase for a fifteen-hundred-dollar apartment in a decent neighborhood bears away the palm. You can get plenty of roomy suites in the neighborhood of a boiler-factory, or next door to a distillery, or back of a fire-engine house, at reasonable rents, and along the elevated railway lines much that is impressive is to be found by those who can sleep with trains running alongside of their pillows all night; but when you get away from these, the real thing at that figure is elusive. Over by the Park you can get two pigeon-holes and a bath, with a southern exposure, for nineteen hundred dollars a year; if you are willing to dispense with the southern exposure you can get three Black Holes of Calcutta and a butler’s pantry, in the same neighborhood, for sixteen hundred dollars, but you have to provide your own air. Farther downtown you will occasionally find the thing you want with a few extras in the shape of cornet-players, pianola-bangers, and peroxide sopranos on either side of you, and an osteopathic veterinary surgeon on the ground floor thrown in. Then there are paper flats that can be had for twelve hundred dollars, but you can’t have any pictures in them, because the walls won’t stand the weight, and any nail of reasonable length would stick through into the next apartment. A friend of mine lived in one of these affairs once, and when he inadvertently leaned against the wall one night he fell through into his neighbor’s bathtub. Of course, that sort of thing promotes sociability; but for a home most people want just a little privacy. And so the list runs on. You would really be astonished at the great variety of discomfortable dwelling-places that people build. Such high-art decorations as you encounter—purple friezes surmounting yellow dadoes; dragons peeping out of fruit-baskets; idealized tomatoes in full bloom chasing one another all around the bedroom walls. Then the architectural inconveniences they present with their best bedrooms opening into the kitchen; their parlors with marble wash-stands with running water in the corner; their libraries fitted up with marvelous steam-radiators and china-closets, and their kitchens so small that the fire in the range scorches the wall opposite, and over which nothing but an asbestos cook, with a figure like a third rail, could preside. And, best of all, there are the janitors! Why, Mr. Bib, the study of the janitor and his habits alone is worthy of the lifelong attention of the best entomologist that ever lived—and yet you say there is nothing educational in flat-hunting.”

“Oh, well,” said the Bibliomaniac, “I meant for me. There are a lot of things that would be educational to you that I should regard as symptomatic of profound ignorance. Everything is relative in this world.”

“That is true,” said the Idiot; “and that is why every April 1st I go out and gloat over the miseries of the flat-dwellers. As long as I can do that I am happy in my little cubby-hole under Mrs. Pedagog’s hospitable roof.”

“Ah! I am glad to hear you say that,” said Mrs. Pedagog. “I was a bit fearful, Mr. Idiot, that you had it in mind to move away from us.”

“No indeed, Mrs. Pedagog,” replied the Idiot, rising from the table. “You need have no fear of that. You couldn’t get me out of here with a crowbar. If I did not have entire confidence in your lovely house and yourself, you don’t suppose I would permit myself to get three months behind in my board, do you?”

X

THE HOUSEMAID’S UNION

“Potatoes, sir?” said Mary, the waitress at Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog’s High-Class Home for Single Gentlemen, stopping behind the Idiot’s chair and addressing the back of his neck in the usual boarding-house fashion.

“Yes, I want some potatoes, Mary; but before I take them,” the Idiot replied, “I must first ascertain whether or not you wear the union label, and what is the exact status also of the potatoes. My principles are such that I cannot permit a non-union housemaid to help me to a scab potato, whereas, if you belong to the sisterhood, and our stewed friend Murphy here has been raised upon a union farm, then, indeed, do I wish not only one potato but many.”

Mary’s reply was a giggle.

“Ah!” said the Idiot. “The merry ha-ha, eh? All right, Mary. That is for the present sufficient evidence that your conscience is clear on this very important matter. As for the potatoes, we will eat them not exactly under protest, but with a distinctly announced proviso in advance that we assume that they have qualified themselves for admission into a union stomach. I hesitate to think of what will happen in my interior department if Murphy is deceiving us.”

Whereupon the Idiot came into possession of a goodly portion of the stewed potatoes, and Mary fled to the kitchen, where she informed the presiding genius of the range that the young gentleman was crazier than ever.

“He’s talkin’ about the unions, now, Bridget,” said she.

“Is he agin ’em?” demanded Bridget, with a glitter in her eye.

“No, he’s for ’em; he wouldn’t even drink milk from a non-union cow,” said Mary.

“He’s a foine gintleman,” said Bridget. “Oi’ll make his waffles a soize larger.”

Meanwhile the Bibliomaniac had chosen to reflect seriously upon the Idiot’s intelligence for his approval of unions.

“They are responsible for pretty nearly all the trouble there is at the present moment,” he snapped out, angrily.

“Oh, go along with you,” retorted the Idiot. “The trouble we have these days, like all the rest of the troubles of the past, go right back to that old original non-union apple that Eve ate and Adam got the core of. You know that as well as I do. Even Adam and Eve, untutored children of nature though they were, saw it right off, and organized a union on the spot, which has in the course of centuries proven the most beneficent institution of the ages. With all due respect to the character of this dwelling-place of ours—a home for single gentlemen—the union is the thing. If you don’t belong to one you may be tremendously independent, but you’re blooming lonesome.”

“The matrimonial union,” smiled Mrs. Pedagog, “is indeed a blessed institution, and, having been married twice, I can testify from experience; but, truly, Mr. Idiot, I wish you wouldn’t put notions into Mary’s head about the other kind. I should be sorry if she were to join that housemaid’s union we hear so much about. I have trouble enough now with my domestic help without having a walking delegate on my hands as well.”

“No doubt,” acquiesced the Idiot. “In their beginnings all great movements have their inconveniences, but in the end, properly developed, a housemaid’s union wouldn’t be a bad thing for employers, and I rather think it might prove a good thing. Suppose one of your servants misbehaves herself, for instance—I remember one occasion in this very house when it required the united efforts of yourself, Mr. Pedagog, three policemen, and your humble servant to effectively discharge a three-hundred-pound queen of the kitchen, who had looked not wisely but too often on the cooking sherry. Now suppose that highly cultivated inebriate had belonged to a self-respecting union? You wouldn’t have had to discharge her at all. A telephone message to the union headquarters, dispatched while the lady was indulging in one of her tantrums, would have brought an inspector to the house, the queen would have been caught with the goods on, and her card would have been taken from her, so that by the mere automatic operation of the rules of her own organization she could no longer work for you. Thus you would have been spared some highly seasoned language which I have for years tried to forget; Mr. Pedagog’s eye would not have been punched so that you could not tell your blue-eyed boy from your black-eyed babe; I should never have lost the only really satisfactory red necktie I ever owned; and three sturdy policemen, one of whom had often previously acted as the lady’s brother on her evenings at home, and the others, of whom we had reason to believe were cousins not many times removed, would not have been confronted by the ungrateful duty of clubbing one who had frequently fed them generously upon your cold mutton and my beer.”

“Is that one of the things the union would do?” queried Mrs. Pedagog, brightening.

“It is one of the things the union should do,” said the Idiot. “Similarly with your upstairs girl, if perchance you have one. Suppose she got into the habit, which I understand is not all an uncommon case, of sweeping the dust under the bureau of your bedroom or under the piano in the drawing-room. Suppose she is really an adept in the art of dust concealment, having a full comprehension of all sixty methods—hiding it under tables, sofas, bookcases, and rugs, in order to save her back? You wouldn’t have to bother with her at all under a properly equipped union. Upon the discovery of her delinquencies you would merely have to send for the union inspector, lift up the rug and show her the various vintages of sweepings the maid has left there: November ashes; December match-ends; threads, needles, and pins left over from the February meeting of the Ibsen Sewing-Circle at your house; your missing tortoise-shell hairpin that you hadn’t laid eyes on since September; the grocer’s bill for October that you told the grocer you never received—all this in March. Do you suppose that that inspector, with all this evidence before her eyes, could do otherwise than prefer charges against the offender at the next meeting of the Committee on Discipline? Not on your life, madam. And, what is more, have you the slightest doubt that one word of reprimand from that same Committee on Discipline would prove far more effective in reforming that particular offender than anything you could say backed by the eloquence of Burke and the thunderbolts of Jove?”

“You paint a beautiful picture,” said the Doctor. “But suppose you happened to draw a rotten cook in the domestic lottery—a good woman, but a regular scorcher. Where does your inspector come in there? Going to invite her to dine with you so as to demonstrate the girl’s incompetence?”

“Not at all,” said the Idiot. “That would make trouble right away. The cook very properly would say that the inspector was influenced by the social attention she was receiving from the head of the house, and the woman’s effectiveness as a disciplinarian would be immediately destroyed. I’d put half portions of the burned food in a sealed package and send it to the Committee on Culinary Improvement for their inspection. A better method which time would probably bring into practice would be for the union itself to establish a system of domiciliary visits, by which the cook’s work should be subjected to a constant inspection by the union—the object being, of course, to prevent trouble rather than to punish after the event. The inspector’s position would be something like that of the bank examiner, who turns up at our financial institutions at unexpected moments, and sees that everything is going right.”

“Oh, bosh!” said the Doctor. “You are talking of ideals.”

“Certainly I am,” returned the Idiot. “Why shouldn’t I? What’s the use of wasting one’s breath on anything else?”

“Well, it’s all rot!” put in Mr. Brief. “There never was any such union as that, and there never will be.”

“You are the last person in the world to say a thing like that, Mr. Brief,” said the Idiot—“you, who belong to the nearest approach to the ideal union that the world has ever known!”

“What! Me?” demanded the Lawyer. “Me? I belong to a union?”

“Of course you do—or at least you told me you did,” said the Idiot.

“Well, you are the worst!” retorted Mr. Brief, angrily. “When did I ever tell you that I belonged to a union?”

“Last Friday night at dinner, and in the presence of this goodly company,” said the Idiot. “You were bragging about it, too—said that no institution in existence had done more to uplift the moral tone of the legal profession; that through its efforts the corrupt practitioner and the shyster were gradually being driven to the wall—”

“Well, this beats me,” said Mr. Brief. “I recall telling at dinner on Friday night about the Bar Association—”

“Precisely,” said the Idiot. “That’s what I referred to. If the Bar Association isn’t a Lawyer’s Union Number Six of the highest type, I don’t know what is. It is conducted by the most brilliant minds in the profession; its honors are eagerly sought after by the brainiest laborers in the field of Coke and Blackstone; its stern, relentless eye is fixed upon the evil-doer, and it is an effective instrument for reform not only in its own profession, but in the State as well. What I would have the Housemaid’s Union do for domestic servants and for the home, the Bar Association does for the legal profession and for the State, and if the lawyers can do this thing there is no earthly reason why the housemaids shouldn’t.”

“Pah!” ejaculated Mr. Brief. “You place the bar and domestic service on the same plane of importance, do you?”

“No, I don’t,” said the Idiot. “Shouldn’t think of doing so. Twenty people need housemaids, where one requires a lawyer; therefore the domestic is the more important of the two.”

“Humph!” said Mr. Brief, with an angry laugh. “Intellectual qualifications, I suppose, go for nothing in the matter.”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” said the Idiot. “I guess, however, that there are more housemaids earning a living today than lawyers—and, besides—oh, well, never mind—What’s the use? I don’t wish to quarrel about it.”

“Go on—don’t mind me—I’m really interested to know what further you can say,” snapped Mr. Brief. “Besides—what?”

“Only this, that when it comes to the intellectuals—Well, really, Mr. Brief,” asked the Idiot, “really now, did you ever hear of anybody going to an intelligence office for a lawyer?”

Mr. Brief’s reply was not inaudible, for just at that moment he swallowed his coffee the wrong way, and in the effort to bring him to, the thread of the argument snapped, and up to the hour of going to press had not been tied together again.

XI

THE GENTLE ART OF BOOSTING

The Idiot was very late at breakfast—so extremely late, in fact, that some apprehension was expressed by his fellow-boarders as to the state of his health.

“I hope he isn’t ill,” said Mr. Whitechoker. “He is usually so prompt at his meals that I fear something is the matter with him.”

“He’s all right,” said the Doctor, whose room adjoins that of the Idiot in Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog’s Select Home for Single Gentlemen. “He’ll be down in a minute. He’s suffering from an overdose of vacation—rested too hard.”

Just then the subject of the conversation appeared in the doorway, pale and haggard, but with an eye that boded ill for the larder.

“Quick!” he cried, as he entered. “Lead me to a square meal. Mary, please give me four bowls of mush, ten medium soft-boiled eggs, a barrel of saute potatoes, and eighteen dollars’ worth of corned-beef hash. I’ll have two pots of coffee, Mrs. Pedagog, please, four pounds of sugar, and a can of condensed milk. If there is any extra charge you may put it on the bill, and someday, when the common stock of the Continental Hen Trust goes up thirty or forty points, I’ll pay.”

“What’s the matter with you, Mr. Idiot?” asked Mr. Brief. “Been fasting for a week?”

“No,” replied the Idiot. “I’ve just taken my first week’s vacation, and, between you and me, I’ve come back to business so as to get rested for the second.”

“Doesn’t look as though vacation agreed with you,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“It doesn’t,” said the Idiot. “Hereafter I am an advocate of the rest-while-you-work system. Never take a day off if you can help it. There’s nothing so restful as paying attention to business, and no greater promoter of weariness of spirit and vexation of your digestion than the modern style of vacating. No more for mine, if you please.”

“Humph!” sneered the Bibliomaniac. “I suppose you went to Coney Island to get rested up, bumping the bump and looping the loop, and doing a lot of other crazy things.”

“Not I,” quoth the Idiot. “I didn’t have sense enough to go to some quiet place like Coney Island, where you can get seven square meals a day, and then climb into a Ferris-wheel and be twirled around in the air until they have been properly shaken down. I took one of the Four Hundred vacations. Know what that is?”

“No,” said Mr. Brief. “I didn’t know there were four hundred vacations with only three hundred and sixty-five days in the year. What do you mean?”

“I mean the kind of vacation the people in the Four Hundred take,” explained the Idiot. “I’ve been to a house-party up in Newport with some friends of mine who’re ’in the swim,’ and I tell you it’s hard swimming. You’ll never hear me talking about a leisure class in this country again. Those people don’t know what leisure is. I don’t wonder they’re always such a tired-looking lot.”

“I was not aware that you were in with the Smart Set,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“Oh yes,” said the Idiot. “I’m in with several of ’em—’way in; so far in that I’m sometimes afraid I’ll never get out. We’re carrying a whole lot of wildcats on margin for Billie Van Gelder, the cotillion leader. Tommy de Cahoots, the famous yachtsman, owes us about eight thousand dollars more than he can spare from his living expenses on one of his plunges into Copper, and altogether we are pretty long on swells in our office.”

“And do you mean to say those people invite you out?” asked the Bibliomaniac.

“All the time,” said the Idiot. “Just as soon as one of our swell customers finds he can’t pay his margins he comes down to the office and gets very chummy with all of us. The deeper he is in it the more affable he becomes. The result is there are house-parties and yacht-cruises and all that sort of thing galore on tap for us every summer.”

“And you accept them, eh?” said the Bibliomaniac, scornfully.

“As a matter of business, of course,” replied the Idiot. “We’ve got to get something out of it. If one of our customers can’t pay cash, why, we get what we can. In this particular case Mr. Reginald Squandercash had me down at Newport for five full days, and I know now why he can’t pay up his little shortage of eight hundred dollars. He’s got the money, but he needs it for other things, and, now that I know it, I shall recommend the firm to give him an extension of thirty days. By that time he will have collected from the De Boodles, whom he is launching in society, C. O. D., and will be able to square matters with us.”

“Your conversation is Greek to me,” said the Bibliomaniac. “Who are the De Boodles, and for what do they owe your friend Reginald Squandercash money?”

“The De Boodles,” explained the Idiot, “are what are known as climbers, and Reginald Squandercash is a booster.”

“A what?” cried the Bibliomaniac.

“A booster,” said the Idiot. “There are several boosters in the Four Hundred. For a consideration they will boost wealthy climbers into society. The climbers are people like the De Boodles, who have suddenly come into great wealth, and who wish to be in it with others of great wealth who are also of high social position. They don’t know how to do the trick, so they seek out some booster like Reggie, strike a bargain with him, and he steers ’em up against the ‘Among-Those-Present’ game until finally you find the De Boodles have a social cinch.”

“Do you mean to say that society tolerates such a business as that?” demanded the Bibliomaniac.

“Tolerates?” laughed the Idiot. “What a word to use! Tolerate? Why, society encourages, because society shares the benefits. Take this especial vacation of mine. Society had two five-o’clock teas, four of the swellest dinners you ever sat down to, a cotillion where the favors were of solid silver and real ostrich feathers, a whole day’s clambake on Reggie’s steam-yacht, with automobile-runs and coaching-trips galore. Nobody ever declines one of Reggie’s invitations, because what he has from a society point of view is the best the market affords. Why, the floral decorations alone at the fête champêtre he gave in honor of the De Boodles at his villa last Thursday night must have cost five thousand dollars, and everything was on the same scale. I don’t believe a cent less than seventy-five hundred dollars was burned up in the fireworks, and every lady present received a souvenir of the occasion that cost at least one hundred dollars.”

“Your story doesn’t quite hold together,” said Mr. Brief. “If your friend Reggie has a villa and a steam-yacht, and automobiles and coaches, and gives fêtes champêtres that cost fifteen or twenty thousand dollars, I don’t see why he has to make himself a booster of inferior people who want to get into society. What does he gain by it? It surely isn’t sport to do a thing like that, and I should think he’d find it a dreadful bore.”

“The man must live,” said the Idiot. “He boosts for a living.”

“When he has the wealth of Monte Cristo at his command?” demanded Mr. Brief.

“Reggie hasn’t a cent to his name,” said the Idiot. “I’ve already told you he owes us eight hundred dollars he can’t pay.”

“Then who in thunder pays for the villa and the lot and all those hundred-dollar souvenirs?” asked the Doctor.

“Why, this year, the De Boodles,” said the Idiot. “Last year it was Colonel and Mrs. Moneybags, whose daughter, Miss Fayette Moneybags, is now clinching the position Reggie sold her at Newport over in London, whither Reggie has consigned her to his sister, an impecunious American duchess—the Duchess of Nocash—who is also in the boosting business. The chances are Miss Moneybags will land one of England’s most deeply indebted peers, and, if she does, Reggie will receive a handsome check for steering the family up against so attractive a proposition.”

“And you mean to tell us that a plain man like old John De Boodle, of Nevada, is putting out his hard-earned wealth in that way?” demanded Mr. Brief.

“I didn’t mean to mention any names,” said the Idiot. “But you’ve spotted the victim. Old John De Boodle, who made his sixty million dollars in six months, after having kept a saloon on the frontier for forty years, is the man. His family wants to get in the swim, and Reggie is turning the trick for them; and, after all, what better way is there for De Boodle to get in? He might take sixty villas at Newport and not get even a peep at the divorce colony there, much less a glimpse of the monogamous set acting independently. Not a monkey in the Zoo would dine with the De Boodles, and in his most eccentric moment I doubt if Tommy Dare would take them up, unless there was somebody to stand sponsor for them. A cool million might easily be expended without results by the De Boodles themselves; but hand that money over to Reggie Squandercash, whose blood is as blue as his creditors’ sometimes get, and you can look for results. What the Frohman’s are to the stage, Reggie Squandercash is to society. He’s right in it; popular as all spenders are; lavish as all people spending other people’s money are apt to be. Old De Boodle, egged on by Mrs. De Boodle and Miss Mary Ann De Boodle (now known as Miss Marianne De Boodle), goes to Reggie and says: ‘The old lady and my girl are nutty on society. Can you land ’em?’ ‘Certainly,’ says Reggie, ‘if your pocket is long enough.’ ‘How long is that?’ asks De Boodle, wincing a bit. ‘A hundred thousand a month, and no extras, until you’re in,’ says Reggie. ‘No reduction for families?’ asks De Boodle, anxiously. ‘No,’ says Reggie. ‘Harder job.’ ‘All right,’ says De Boodle, ‘here’s my check for the first month.’ That’s how Reggie gets his Newport villa, his servants, his horses, yacht, automobiles, and coaches. Then he invites the De Boodles up to visit him. They accept, and the fun begins. First it’s a little dinner to meet my friends Mr. and Mrs. De Boodle, of Nevada. Everybody there, hungry, dinner from Sherry’s, best wines in the market. De Boodles covered with diamonds, a great success, especially old John De Boodle, who tells racy stories over the demitasse when the ladies have gone into the drawing-room. De Boodle voted a character. Next thing, bridge-whist party. Everybody there. Society a good winner. The De Boodles magnificent losers. Popularity cinched. Next, yachting-party. Everybody on board. De Boodle on deck in fine shape. Champagne flows like Niagara. Poker game in main cabin. Food everywhere. De Boodles much easier. Stiffness wearing off, and so on and so on, until finally Miss De Boodle’s portrait is printed in nineteen Sunday newspapers all over the country. They’re launched, and Reggie comes into his own with a profit for the season in a cash balance of fifty thousand dollars. He’s had a bully time all summer, entertained like a prince, and comes to the rainy season with a tidy little umbrella to keep him out of the wet.”

“And can he count on that as a permanent business?” asked Mr. Whitechoker.

“My dear sir, the rock of Gibraltar is no solider and no more permanent,” said the Idiot. “For as long as there is a Four Hundred in existence, human nature is such that there will also be a million who will want to get into it.”

“At such a cost?” demanded the Bibliomaniac.

“At any cost,” replied the Idiot. “Even people who know they cannot swim want to get in it.”

XII

HE MAKES A SUGGESTION TO THE POET

“Good morning, Homer, my boy,” said the Idiot, genially, as the Poet entered the breakfast-room. “All hail to thee. Thou art the bright particular bird of plumage I most hoped to see this rare and beauteous summer morning. No sweet-singing robin-redbreast or soft-honking canvasback for yours truly this a.m., when a living, breathing, palpitating son of the Muses lurks near at hand. I fain would make thee a proposition, Shakespeare dear!”

“Back pedal there! Avaunt with your flowery speech, oh Idiot!” cried the Doctor. “Else will I call an ambulance.”

“No ambulance for mine,” chortled the Idiot.

“Nay, Sweet Gas-bags,” quoth the Doctor. “But for once I fear me we may be scorched by this Pelée of words that thou spoutest forth.”

“What’s the proposition, Mr. Idiot?” asked the Poet. “I’m always open to anything of the kind, as the Subway said when an automobile fell into it.’”

“I thirst for laurels,” said the Idiot, “and I propose that you and I collaborate on a book of poems for early publication. With your name on the title-page and my poems in the book I think we can make a go of it.”

“What’s the lay?” asked the Poet, amused, but wary. “Sonnets, or French forms, or just plain snatches of song?”

“Any old thing as long as it runs smoothly,” replied the Idiot. “Only the poems must fit the title of the book, which is to be Now.”

“Now?” said the Poet.

“Now!” repeated the Idiot. “I find in reading over the verse of the day that the ‘Now’ poem always finds a ready market. Therefore, there must be money in it, and where the money goes there the laurels are. You know what Browning Robinson, the Laureate of Wall Street, wrote in his ‘Message to Posterity’:

“‘Oh, when you come to crown my brow,
Bring me no bay nor sorrel;
Give me no parsley wreath, but just
The legal long green laurel.’”

“I never heard that poem before,” laughed the Poet, “though the sentiment in these commercial days is not unfamiliar.”

“True,” said the Idiot. “Alfred Austin Biggs, of Texas, voiced the same idea when he said:

“‘Crown me not with spinach,
Wreathe me not with hay;
Place no salad on my head
When you bring the bay.
Give me not the water-cresses
To adorn my flowing tresses,
But at e’en
Crown my pockets good and strong
With the green—
The green that’s long.’”

“Do you remember that?” asked the Idiot.

“Only faintly,” said the Poet. “I think you read it to me once before, just after you—er—ah—rather just after Alfred Austin Biggs, of Texas—wrote it.”

The Idiot laughed. “I see you’re on,” he said. “Anyhow, it’s good sentiment, whether I wrote it or Biggs. Fact is, in my judgment, what the poet of today ought to do is to collect the long green from the present and the laurel from posterity. That’s a fair division. But what do you say to my proposition?”

“Well, it’s certainly—er—cheeky enough,” said the Poet. “Do I understand it?—you want me to father your poems. To tell the truth, until I hear some of them, I can’t promise to be more than an uncle to them.”

“That’s all right,” said the Idiot. “You ought to be cautious, as a matter of protection to your own name. I’ve got some of the goods right here. Here’s a little thing called ‘Summer-tide!’ It shows the whole ‘Now’ principle in a nutshell. Listen to this:

“Now the festive frog is croaking in the mere,

And the canvasback is honking in the bay,
And the summer-girl is smiling full of cheer
On the willieboys that chance along her way.

“Now the skeeter sings his carols to the dawn,

And bewails the early closing of the bar

That prevents the little nips he seeks each morn

On the seashore where the fatling boarders are.

“Now the landlord of the pastoral hotel

Spends his mornings, nights, and eke his afternoons,

Scheming plans to get more milk from out the well,

And a hundred novel ways of cooking prunes.

“Now the pumpkin goes a pumpking through the fields,

And the merry visaged cows are chewing cud;

And the profits that the plumber’s business yields

Come a-tumbling to the earth with deadly thud.

“And from all of this we learn the lesson sweet,

The soft message of Dame Nature, grand and clear,

That the wintertime is gone with storm and sleet,

And the soft and jolly summer-tide is here.

How’s that? Pretty fair?”

“Well, I might consent to be a cousin to a poem of that kind. I’ve read worse and written some that are quite as bad. But you know, Mr. Idiot, even so great a masterpiece as that won’t make a book,” said the Poet.

“Of course it won’t,” retorted the Idiot. “That’s only for the summer. Here’s another one on winter. Just listen:

“Now the man who deals in mittens and in tabs
Is a-smiling broadly—aye, from ear to ear—
As he reaches out his hand and fondly grabs
All the shining, golden shekels falling near.

“Now the snow lies on the hill-side and the roof,

And the birdling to the sunny southland flies;

While the frowning summer landlord stands aloof,

And to solemncholy meditation hies.

“Now the tinkling of the sleigh-bells tinge the air,

And the coal-man is as happy as can be;

While the hulking, sulking, grizzly seeks his lair,

And the ice-man’s soul is filled with misery.

“Clad in frost are all the distant mountain-peaks,

And the furnace is as hungry as a boy;

While the plumber, as he gloats upon the leaks,

Is the model that the painter takes for ‘Joy.’

“And from all of this we learn the lesson sweet—

The glad message of Dame Nature, grand and clear:

That the summertime has gone with all its heat,

And the crisp and frosty winter days are here.

You see, Mr. Poet, that out of that one idea alone—that cataloguing of the things of the four seasons—you can get four poems that are really worth reading,” said the Idiot. “We could call that section ‘The Seasons,’ and make it the first part of the book. In the second part we could do the same thing, only in greater detail, for each one of the months. Just as a sample, take the month of February. We could run something like this in on February:

“Now o’er the pavement comes a hush

As pattering feet wade deep in slush

That every Feb.

Doth flow and ebb.”

“I see,” said the Poet. “It wouldn’t take long to fill up a book with stuff like that.”

“To make the appeal stronger, let me take the month of July, which is now on,” resumed the Idiot. “You may find it even more convincing:

“Now the fly—
The rhubarb-pie—
The lightning in the sky—
Thermometers so spry—
That leap up high—
The roads all dry,
The hoboes nigh,
The town a-fry,
The mad ki-yi
A-snarling by,
The crickets cry—
All tell us that it is July.

Eh?”

“I don’t believe anybody would believe I wrote it, that’s all,” said the Poet, shaking his head dubiously. “They’d find out, sooner or later, that you did it, just as they discovered that Will Carleton wrote ‘Paradise Lost,’ and Dick Davis was the real author of Shakespeare. Why don’t you publish the thing over your own name?”

“Too modest,” said the Idiot. “What do you think of this:

“Now the festive candidate
Goes a-sporting through the State,
And he kisses babes from Quogue to Kalamazoo;
For he really wants to win
Without spending any tin,

And he thinks he has a chance to kiss it through.”

“That’s fair, only I don’t think you’ll find many candidates doing that sort of thing nowadays,” said the Poet. “Most public men I know of would rather spend their money than kiss the babies. That style of campaigning has gone out.”

“It has in the cities,” said the Idiot. “But back in the country it is still done, and the candidate who turns his back on the infant might as well give up the race. I know, because a cousin of mine ran for supervisor once, and he was licked out of his boots because he tried to do his kissing by proxy—said he’d give the kisses in a bunch to a committee of young ladies, who could distribute them for him. Result was everybody was down on him—even the young ladies.”

“I guess he was a cousin of yours, all right,” laughed the Doctor; “that scheme bears the Idiot brand.”

“Here’s one on the opening of the opera season,” said the Idiot:

“Now the fiddlers tune their fiddles
To the lovely taradiddles
Of old Wagner, Mozart, Bizet, and the rest.
Now the trombone is a-tooting
Out its scaley shute-the-chuteing
And the oboe is hoboing with a zest.

“Now the dressmakers are working—

Not a single minute shirking—

Making gowns with frills and fal-lals mighty queer,

For the Autumn days are flying,
And there’s really no denying
That the season of the opera is near.”

Mr. Brief took a hand in the discussion at this moment.

“Then you can have a blanket verse,” he said, scribbling with his pencil on a piece of paper in front of him. “Something like this:

“And as Time goes on a-stalking,
And the Idiot still is talking
In his usual blatant manner, loud and free,
With his silly jokes and rhyme,
It is—well it’s any time

From Creation to the jumping-off place that you’ll find at the far end of Eterni-tie.”

“That settles it,” said the Idiot, rising. “I withdraw my proposition. Let’s call it off, Mr. Poet.”

“What’s the matter?” asked Mr. Brief. “Isn’t my verse good?”

“Yes,” said the Idiot. “Just as good as mine, and that being the case it isn’t worth doing. When lawyers can write as good poetry as real poets, it doesn’t pay to be a real poet. I’m going in for something else. I guess I’ll apply for a job as a motorman, and make a name for myself there.”

“Can a motorman make a name for himself?” asked the Doctor.

“Oh yes,” said the Idiot. “Easily. By being civil. A civil motorman would be unique.”

“But he wouldn’t make a fortune,” suggested the Poet.

“Yes he would, too,” said the Idiot. “If he could prove he really was civil, the vaudeville people would pay him a thousand dollars a week and tour the country with him. He’d draw mobs.”

With which the Idiot left the dining-room.

“I think his poems would sell,” smiled Mrs. Pedagog.

“Yes,” said Mr. Pedagog. “Chopped up fine and properly advertised, they might make a very successful new kind of breakfast food—provided the paper on which they were written was not too indigestible.”

XIII

HE DISCUSSES THE MUSIC CURE

“Good morning, Doctor,” said the Idiot, as Capsule, M.D., entered the dining-room, “I am mighty glad you’ve come. I’ve wanted for a long time to ask you about this music cure that everybody is talking about, and get you, if possible, to write me out a list of musical nostrums for everyday use. I noticed last night, before going to bed, that my medicine-chest was about run out. There’s nothing but one quinine pill and a soda-mint drop left in it, and if there’s anything in the music cure, I don’t think I’ll have it filled again. I prefer Wagner to squills, and, compared to the delights of Mozart, Hayden, and Offenbach, those of paregoric are nit.”

“Still rambling, eh?” vouchsafed the Doctor. “You ought to submit your tongue to some scientific student of dynamics. I am inclined to think, from my own observation of its ways, that it contains the germ of perpetual motion.”

“I will consider your suggestion,” replied the Idiot. “Meanwhile, let us consult harmoniously together on the original point. Is there anything in this music cure, and is it true that our medical schools are hereafter to have conservatories attached to them, in which aspiring young M.D.’s are to be taught the materia musica in addition to the materia medica?”

“I had heard of no such idiotic proposition,” returned the Doctor. “And as for the music cure, I don’t know anything about it; haven’t heard everybody talking about it; and doubt the existence of any such thing outside of that mysterious realm which is bounded by the four corners of your own bright particular cerebellum. What do you mean by the music cure?”

“Why, the papers have been full of it lately,” explained the Idiot. “The claim is made that in music lies the panacea for all human ills. It may not be able to perform a surgical operation like that which is required for the removal of a leg, and I don’t believe even Wagner ever composed a measure that could be counted on successfully to eliminate one’s vermiform appendix from its chief sphere of usefulness; but for other things, like measles, mumps, the snuffles, or indigestion, it is said to be wonderfully efficacious. What I wanted to find out from you was just what composers were best for which specific troubles.”

“You’ll have to go to somebody else for the information,” said the Doctor. “I never heard of the theory, and, as I said before, I don’t believe anybody else has, barring your own sweet self.”

“I have seen a reference to it somewhere,” put in Mr. Whitechoker, coming to the Idiot’s rescue. “As I recall the matter, some lady had been cured of a nervous affection by a scientific application of some musical poultice or other, and the general expectation seems to be that someday we shall find in music a cure for all our human ills, as the Idiot suggests.”

“Thank you, Mr. Whitechoker,” said the Idiot, gratefully. “I saw that same item and several others besides, and I have only told the truth when I say that a large number of people are considering the possibilities of music as a substitute for drugs. I am surprised that Dr. Capsule has neither heard nor thought about it, for I should think it would prove to be a pleasant and profitable field for speculation. Even I, who am only a dabbler in medicine and know no more about it than the effects of certain remedies upon my own symptoms, have noticed that music of a certain sort is a sure emollient for nervous conditions.”

“For example?” said the Doctor. “Of course, we don’t doubt your word; but when a man makes a statement based upon personal observation it is profitable to ask him what his precise experience has been, merely for the purpose of adding to our own knowledge.”

“Well,” said the Idiot, “the first instance that I can recall is that of a Wagner opera and its effects upon me. For a number of years I suffered a great deal from insomnia. I could not get two hours of consecutive sleep, and the effect of my sufferings was to make me nervous and irritable. Suddenly somebody presented me with a couple of tickets for a performance of ‘Parsifal,’ and I went. It began at five o’clock in the afternoon. For twenty minutes all went serenely, and then the music began to work. I fell into a deep and refreshing slumber. The intermission came, and still I slept on. Everybody else went home, dressed for the evening part of the performance, had their dinner, and returned. Still I slept, and continued so to do until midnight, when one of the gentlemanly ushers came and waked me up, and told me that the performance was over. I rubbed my eyes, and looked about me. It was true—the great auditorium was empty, and was gradually darkening. I put on my hat and walked out refreshed, having slept from five-twenty until twelve, or six hours and forty minutes straight. That was one instance. Two weeks later I went again, this time to hear ‘Götterdämmerung.’ The results were the same, only the effect was instantaneous. The curtain had hardly risen before I retired to the little ante-room of the box our party occupied and dozed off into a fathomless sleep. I didn’t wake up this time until nine o’clock the next day, the rest of the party having gone off without awakening me as a sort of joke. Clearly Wagner, according to my way of thinking, then, deserves to rank among the most effective narcotics known to modern science. I have tried all sorts of other things—sulfonal, trionel, bromide powders, and all the rest, and not one of them produced anything like the soporific results that two doses of Wagner brought about in one instant. And, best of all, there was no reaction: no splitting headache or shaky hand the next day, but just the calm, quiet, contented feeling that goes with the sense of having got completely rested up.”

“You run a dreadful risk, however,” said the Doctor, with a sarcastic smile. “The Wagner habit is a terrible thing to acquire, Mr. Idiot.”

“That may be,” said the Idiot; “worse than the sulfonal habit by a great deal, I am told; but I am in no danger of becoming a victim to it while it costs from five to seven dollars a dose. In addition to this experience, I have also the testimony of a friend of mine who was cured of a frightful attack of the colic by Sullivan’s ‘Lost Chord,’ played on a cornet. He had spent the day down at Asbury Park, and had eaten not wisely but too copiously. Among other things that he turned loose in his inner man were two plates of lobster salad, a glass of fresh cider, and a saucerful of pistachio ice-cream. He was a painter by profession, and the color scheme he thus introduced into his digestive apparatus was too much for his artistic soul. He was not fitted by temperament to assimilate anything quite so strenuously chromatic as that, and, as a consequence, shortly after he had retired to his studio for the night, the conflicting tints began to get in their deadly work, and within two hours he was completely doubled up. The pain he suffered was awful. Agony was bliss alongside of the pangs that now afflicted him, and all the palliatives and painkillers known to man were tried without avail, and then, just as he was about to give himself up for lost, an amateur cornetist who occupied a studio on the floor above began to play the ‘Lost Chord.’ A counter-pain set in immediately. At the second bar of the ‘Lost Chord’ the awful pain that was gradually gnawing away at his vitals seemed to lose its poignancy in the face of the greater suffering, and physical relief was instant. As the musician proceeded, the internal disorder yielded gradually to the external and finally passed away, entirely leaving him so far from prostrate that by 1 a.m. he was out of bed and actually girding himself with a shotgun and an Indian club to go upstairs for a physical encounter with the cornetist.”

“And you reason from this that Sullivan’s ‘Lost Chord’ is a cure for cholera morbus, eh?” sneered the Doctor.

“It would seem so,” said the Idiot. “While the music continued my friend was a well man, ready to go out and fight like a warrior; but when the cornetist stopped the colic returned, and he had to fight it out in the old way. In these incidents in my own experience I find ample justification for my belief, and that of others, that someday the music cure for human ailments will be recognized and developed to the full. Families going off to the country for the summer, instead of taking a medicine-chest along with them, will be provided with a music-box with cylinders for mumps, measles, summer complaint, whooping-cough, chickenpox, chills and fever, and all the other ills the flesh is heir to. Scientific experiment will demonstrate before long just what composition will cure specific ills. If a baby has whooping-cough, an anxious mother, instead of ringing up the doctor, will go to the piano and give the child a dose of ‘Hiawatha.’ If a small boy goes swimming and catches a cold in his head and is down with a fever, his nurse, an expert on the accordion, can bring him back to health again with three bars of ‘Under the Bamboo Tree’ after each meal. Instead of dosing the kids with cod-liver oil when they need a tonic, they will be set to work at a mechanical piano and braced up on ‘Narcissus.’ ‘There’ll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight’ will become an effective remedy for a sudden chill. People suffering from sleeplessness can dose themselves back to normal conditions with Wagner the way I did. Tchaikovsky, to be well shaken before taken, will be an effective remedy for a torpid liver, and the man or woman who suffers from lassitude will doubtless find in the lively airs of our two-step composers an efficient tonic to bring their vitality up to a high standard of activity. Nothing in it? Why, Doctor, there’s more in it that’s in sight today that is promising and suggestive of great things in the future than there was of the principle of gravitation in the rude act of that historic pippin that left the parent tree and swatted Sir Isaac Newton on the nose.”

“And the drug stores will be driven out of business, I presume,” said the Doctor.

“No,” said the Idiot. “They will substitute music for drugs, that is all. Every man who can afford it will have his own medical phonograph, or music-box, and the drug stores will sell cylinders and records for them instead of quinine, carbonate of soda, squills, paregoric, and other nasty-tasting things they have now. This alone will serve to popularize sickness, and, instead of being driven out of business, their trade will pick up.”

“And the doctor, and the doctor’s gig, and all the appurtenances of his profession—what becomes of them?” demanded the Doctor.

“We’ll have to have the doctor just the same to prescribe for us, only he will have to be a musician, but the gig—I’m afraid that will have to go,” said the Idiot.

“And why, pray?” asked the Doctor. “Because there are no more drugs, must the physician walk?”

“Not at all,” said the Idiot. “But he’d be better equipped if he drove about in a piano-organ or, if he preferred, an auto on a steam-calliope.”

XIV

HE DEFENDS CAMPAIGN METHODS

“Good morning, gentlemen,” said the Idiot, cheerily, as he entered the breakfast-room. “This is a fine Sunday morning in spite of the gloom into which the approaching death of the campaign should plunge us all.”

“You think that, do you?” observed the Bibliomaniac. “Well, I don’t agree with you. I for one am sick and tired of politics, and it will be a great relief to me when it is all over.”

“Dear me, what a blasé old customer you are, Mr. Bib,” returned the Idiot. “Do you mean to say that a Presidential campaign does not keep your nerve-centers in a constant state of pleasurable titillation? Why, to me it is what a bag full of nuts must be to a squirrel. I fairly gloat over these quadrennial political campaigns of ours. They are to me among the most exhilarating institutions of modern life. They satisfy all one’s zest for warfare without the distressing shedding of blood which attends real war, and regarded from the standpoint of humor, I know of nothing that, to the eye of an ordinarily keen observer, is more provocative of good, honest, wholesome mirth.”

“I don’t see it,” said Mr. Bib. “To my mind, the average political campaign is just a vulgar scrap in which men who ought to know better descend to all sorts of despicable trickery merely to gain the emoluments of office. This quest for the fleshpots of politics, so far from being diverting, is, to my notion, one of the most deplorable exhibitions of human weakness that modern civilization, so called, has produced. A couple of men are put up for the most dignified office known to the world—both are gentlemen by birth and education, men of honor, men who, you would think, would scorn baseness as they hate poison—and then what happens? For three weary months the followers of each attack the character and intelligence of the other until, if you really believed what was said of either, neither in your estimation would have a shred of reputation left. Is that either diverting or elevating or educational or, indeed, anything but deplorable?”

“It’s perfectly fine,” said the Idiot, “to think that we have men in the country whose characters are such that they can stand four months of such a test. That’s what I find elevating in it. When a man who is nominated for the Presidency in June or July can emerge in November unscathed in spite of the minute scrutiny to which himself and his record and the record of his sisters and his cousins and his aunts have been subjected, it’s time for the American rooster to get upon his hind legs and give three cheers for himself and the people to whom he belongs. Even old Diogenes, who spent his life looking for an honest man, would have to admit every four years that he could spot him instantly by merely coming to this country and taking his choice from among the several candidates.”

“You must admit, however,” said the Bibliomaniac, “that a man with an honorable name must find it unpleasant to have such outrageous stories told of him.”

“Not a bit of it,” laughed the Idiot. “The more outrageous the better. For instance, when The Sunday Jigger comes out with a four-page revelation of your Republican candidate’s past, in which we learn how, in 1873, he put out the eyes of a maiden aunt with a red-hot poker, and stabbed a negro cook in the back with a skewer, because she would not permit him to put rat poison in his grandfather’s coffee, you know perfectly well that that story has been put forth for the purpose of turning the maiden aunt, negro, and grandfather votes against him. You know well enough that he either never did what is charged against him, or at least that the story is greatly exaggerated—he may have stuck a pin into the cook, and played some boyish trick upon some of his relatives—but the story on the face of it is untrue and therefore harmless. Similarly with the Democratic candidate. When the Daily Flim Flam asserts that he believes that the working-man is entitled to four cents a day for sixteen hours’ work, and has repeatedly avowed that bread and water is the proper food for motormen, everybody with common-sense realizes at once that even the Flim Flam doesn’t believe the story. It hurts no one, therefore, and provokes a great deal of innocent mirth. You don’t yourself believe that last yarn about the Prohibition candidate, do you?”

“I haven’t heard any yarn about him,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“That he is the owner of a brewery up in Rochester, and backs fifteen saloons and a poolroom in New York?” said the Idiot.

“Of course I don’t,” said the Bibliomaniac. “Who does?”

“Nobody,” said the Idiot; “and therefore the story doesn’t hurt the man’s reputation a bit, or interfere with his chances of election in the least. Take that other story published in a New York newspaper that on the 10th of last August Thompson Bondifeller’s yacht was seen anchored for six hours off Tom Watson’s farm, two hundred miles from the sea, and that the Populist candidate, disguised as a bank president, went off with the trust magnate on a cruise from Atlanta, Georgia, to Oklahoma—you don’t believe that, do you?”

“It’s preposterous on the face of it,” said Mr. Bib.

“Well, that’s the way the thing works,” said the Idiot. “And that’s why I think there’s a lot of bully good fun to be had out of a political campaign. I love anything that arouses the imagination of a people too much given over to the pursuit of the cold, hard dollar. If it wasn’t for these quadrennial political campaigns to spur the fancy on to glorious flights we should become a dull, hard, prosaic, unimaginative people, and that would be death to progress. No people can progress that lacks imagination. Politics is an emery-wheel that keeps our wits polished.”

“Well, granting all that you say is true,” said the Bibliomaniac, “the intrusion upon a man’s private life that politics makes possible—surely you cannot condone that.”

The Idiot laughed.

“That’s the strangest argument of all,” he said. “The very idea of a man who deliberately chooses public life as the sphere of his activities seeking to hide behind his private life is preposterous. The fellow who does that, Mr. Bib, wants to lead a double life, and that is reprehensible. The man who offers himself to the people hasn’t any business to tie a string to any part of him. If Jim Jones wants to be President of the United States the people who are asked to put him there have a right to know what kind of a person Jim Jones is in his dressing-gown and slippers. If he beats his mother-in-law, and eats asparagus with the sugar-tongs, and doesn’t pay his grocer, the public have a right to know it. If he has children, the voters are perfectly justified in asking what kind of children they are, since the voters own the White House furniture, and if the Jim Jones children wipe their feet on plush chairs, and shoot holes in the paintings with their bean-snappers and putty-blowers, Uncle Sam, as a landlord and owner of the premises, ought to be warned beforehand. You wouldn’t yourself rent a furnished residence to a man whose children were known to have built bonfires in the parlor of their last known home, would you?”

“I think not,” smiled the Bibliomaniac.

“Then you cannot complain if Uncle Sam is equally solicitous about the personal paraphernalia of the man who asks to occupy his little cottage on the Potomac,” said the Idiot. “So it happens that when a man runs for the Presidency the persons who intrude upon his private life, as you put it, are conferring a real service upon their fellow-citizens. When I hear from an authentic source that Mr. So-and-So, the candidate of the Thisorthatic party for the Presidency, is married to an estimable lady who refers to all Frenchmen as parricides, because she believes they have come from Paris, I have a right to consider whether or not I wish to vote to place such a lady at the head of my official table at White House banquets, where she is likely, sooner or later, to encounter the French ambassador, and the man who gives me the necessary information is doing me a service. You may say that the lady is not running for a public office, and that, therefore, she should be protected from public scrutiny, but that is a fallacy. A man’s wife is his better half and his children are a good part of the remainder, and what they do or don’t do becomes a matter of legitimate public concern. As a matter of fact, a public man can have no private life.”

“Then you approve of these stories of candidates’ cousins, the prattling anecdotes of their grandchildren, these paragraphs narrating the doings of their uncles-in-law, and all that?” sneered the Bibliomaniac.

“Certainly, I do,” said the Idiot. “When I hear that Judge Torkin’s grandson, aged four, has come out for his grandfather’s opponent I am delighted, and give the judge credit for the independent spirit which heredity accounts for; when it is told to me that Tom Watson’s uncle is going to vote for Tom because he knows Tom doesn’t believe what he says, I am almost inclined to vote for him as the uncle of his country; when I hear that Debs’s son, aged three, has punched his daddy in the eye, on general principles I feel that there’s a baby I want in the White House; and when it is told to me that the Prohibition candidate’s third cousin has just been cured of delirium tremens, I feel that possibly there is a family average there that may be struck to the advantage of the country.”

“Say, Mr. Idiot,” put in the Poet, at this point, “who are you going to vote for, anyhow?”

“Don’t ask me,” laughed the Idiot. “I don’t know yet. I admire all the candidates personally very much.”

“But what are your politics—Republican or Democratic?” asked the Lawyer.

“Oh, that’s different,” said the Idiot. “I’m a Sammycrat.”

“A what?” cried the Idiot’s fellow-boarders in unison.

“A Sammycrat,” said the Idiot. “I’m for Uncle Sam every time. He’s the best ever.”

XV

ON SHORT COURSES AT COLLEGE

Mr. Pedagog threw down the morning paper with an ejaculation of impatience.

“I don’t know what on earth we are coming to!” he said, stirring his coffee vigorously. “These new-fangled notions of our college presidents seem to me to be destructive in their tendency.”

“What’s up now? Somebody flunked a football team?” asked the Idiot.

“No, I quite approve of that,” said Mr. Pedagog; “but this matter of reducing the college course from four to two years is so radical a suggestion that I tremble for the future of education.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t if I were you, Mr. Pedagog,” said the Idiot. “Your trembling won’t help matters any, and, after all, when men like President Eliot of Harvard and Dr. Butler of Columbia recommend the short course the idea must have some virtue.”

“Well, if it stops where they do I don’t suppose any great harm will be done,” said Mr. Pedagog. “But what guarantee have we that fifty years from now some successor to these gentlemen won’t propose a one-year course?”

“None,” said the Idiot. “Fact is, we don’t want any guarantee—or at least I don’t. They can turn colleges into bicycle academies fifty years from now for all I care. I expect to be doing time in some other sphere fifty years from now, so why should I vex my soul about it?”

“That’s rather a selfish view, isn’t it, Mr. Idiot?” asked Mr. Whitechoker. “Don’t you wish to see the world getting better and better every day?”

“No,” said the Idiot. “It’s so mighty good as it is, this bully old globe, that I hate to see people monkeying with it all the time. Of course, I wasn’t around it in the old days, but I don’t believe the world’s any better off now than it was in the days of Adam.”

“Great Heavens! What a thing to say!” cried the Poet.

“Well, I’ve said it,” rejoined the Idiot. “What has it all come to, anyhow—all this business of man’s trying to better the world? It’s just added to his expenses, that’s all. And what does he get out of it that Adam didn’t get? Money? Adam didn’t need money. He had his garden truck, his tailor, his fuel supply, his amusements—all the things we have to pay cash for—right in his backyard. All he had to do was to reach out and take what we fellows nowadays have to toil eight or ten hours a day to earn. Literature? His position was positively enviable as far as literature is concerned. He had the situation in his own hands. He wasn’t prevented from writing ‘Hamlet,’ as I am, because somebody else had already done it. He didn’t have to sit up till midnight seven nights a week to keep up with the historical novels of the day. Art? There were pictures on every side of him, splendid in color, instinct of life, perfect in their technique, and all from the hand of that first of Old Masters, Nature herself. He hadn’t any Rosa Bonheurs or Landseers on his farm, but he could get all the cow pictures he wanted from the back window of his bungalow without their costing him a cent. Drama? Life was a succession of rising curtains to Adam, and while, of course, he had the errant Eve to deal with, the garden was free from Notorious Mrs. Ebbsmiths, there wasn’t a Magda from one end of the apple-orchard to the other, and not a First, Second, or Third Mrs. Tanqueray in sight. Music? The woods were full of it—the orioles singing their cantatas, the nightingales warbling their concertos, the eagles screeching out their Wagnerian measures, the bluejays piping their intermezzos, and no Italian organ-grinders doing De Koven under his window from one year’s end to the other. Gorry! I wish sometimes Adam had known a good thing when he had it and hadn’t broken the monologue.”

“The what?” demanded Mr. Brief.

“The monologue,” repeated the Idiot. “The one commandment. If ten commandments make a decalogue, one commandment makes a monologue, doesn’t it?”

“You’re a philologist and a half,” said the Bibliomaniac, with a laugh.

“No credit to me,” returned the Idiot. “A ten years’ residence in this boarding-house has resulted practically in my having enjoyed a diet of words. I have literally eaten syllables—”

“I hope you haven’t eaten any of your own,” said the Bibliomaniac. “That would ruin the digestion of an ostrich.”

“That’s true enough,” said the Idiot. “Rich foods will overthrow any kind of a digestion in the long run. But to come back to the college tendencies, Mr. Pedagog, it is my belief that in this short-course business we haven’t more than started. It’s my firm conviction that someday we shall find universities conferring degrees ‘while you wait,’ as it were. A man, for instance, visiting Boston for a week will someday be able to run out to Harvard, pay a small fee, pass an examination, and get a bachelor’s degree, as a sort of souvenir of his visit; another chap, coming to New York for a brief holiday, instead of stealing a spoon from the Waldorf for his collection of souvenirs, can ring up Columbia College, tell ’em all he knows over the wire, and get a sheepskin by return mail; while at New Haven you’ll be able to stop off at the railway station and buy your B. A. at the lunch-counter—they may even go so far as to let the newsboys on the train confer them without making the applicant get off at all. Then the golden age of education will begin. There’ll be more college graduates to the square inch than you can now find in any ten square miles in Massachusetts, and our professional men, instead of beginning the long wait at thirty, will be in full practice at twenty-one.”

“That is the limit!” ejaculated Mr. Brief.

“Oh, no indeed,” said the Idiot. “There’s another step. That’s the gramophone course, in which a man won’t have to leave home at all to secure a degree from any college he chooses. By tabulating his knowledge and dictating it into a gramophone he can send the cylinder to the university authorities, have it carefully examined, and receive his degree on a postcard within forty-eight hours. That strikes me as being the limit, unless some of the ten-cent magazines offer an LL. D. degree with a set of Kipling and a punching-bag as a premium for a one year’s subscription.”

“And you think that will be a good thing?” demanded the Bibliomaniac.

“No, I didn’t say so,” said the Idiot. “In one respect I think it would be a very bad thing. Such a method would involve the utter destruction of the football and rowing seasons, unless the universities took some decided measures looking toward the preservation of these branches of undergraduate endeavor. It is coming to be recognized as a fact that a man can be branded with the mark of intellectual distinction in absentia, as the Aryan tribes used to put it, but a man can’t win athletic prowess without giving the matter attention in propria persona, to adopt the phraseology of the days of Uncle Remus. You can’t stroke a crew by mail any more than you can stroke a cat by freight, and it doesn’t make any difference how wonderful he may be physically, a Yale man selling dry-goods out in Nebraska can’t play football with a Harvard student employed in a grocery store at New Orleans by telephone. You can do it with chess, but not with basket ball. There are some things in university life that require the individual attention of the student. Unless something is done by our colleges, then, to care for this very important branch of their service to growing youth, the new scheme will meet with much opposition from the public.”

“What would you, in your infinite wisdom, suggest?” asked the Doctor. “The wise man, when he points out an objection to another’s plans, suggests a remedy.”

“That’s easy,” said the Idiot. “I should have what I should call residential terms for those who wished to avail themselves of athletic training under academic auspices. The leading colleges could announce that they were open for business from October 1st to December 1st for the study of the Theory and Practice of Gridirony—”

“Excuse me,” said Mr. Pedagog. “But what was that word?”

“Gridirony,” observed the Idiot. “That would be my idea of the proper academic designation of a course in football, a game which is played on the gridiron. It is more euphonious than goalology or leather spheroids, which have suggested themselves to me.”

“Go on!” sighed the Doctor. “As a word-mint you are unrivaled.”

“There could be a term in baseballistics; another in lacrossetics; a fourth in aquatics, and so on all through the list of intercollegiate sports, each in the season best suited to its completest development.”

“It’s not a bad idea, that,” said Mr. Pedagog. “A parent sending his boy to college under such conditions would have a fairly good idea of what the lad was doing. As matters are now, it’s a question whether the undergraduate acquires as much of Euripides as he does of Travis, and as far as I can find out there are more Yale men around who know all about Bob Cook and Hinkey than there are who are versed in Chaucer, Milton, and Shakespeare.”

“But what have these things to do with the arts?” asked Mr. Whitechoker. “A man may know all about golf, base and foot ball and rowing, and yet be far removed from the true ideals of culture. You couldn’t give a man a B. A. degree because he was a perfect quarter rush, or whatever else it is they call him.”

“That’s a good criticism,” observed the Idiot, “and there isn’t a doubt in my mind that the various faculties of our various colleges will meet it by the establishment of a new degree which shall cover the case.”

“Again I would suggest that it is up to you to cover that point,” said Mr. Brief. “You have outlined a pretty specific scheme. The notion that you haven’t brains enough to invent a particular degree is to my mind preposterous.”

“Right,” said the Idiot. “And I think I have it. When I was in college they used to confer a degree upon chaps who didn’t quite succeed in passing their finals which was known as A. B. Sp. Gr.—they were mostly fellows who had played more football than Herodotus who got them. The Sp. Gr. meant ‘by special favor of the Faculty.’ I think I should advocate that, only changing its meaning to ‘Great Sport.’”

Mr. Pedagog laughed heartily. “You are a great Idiot,” he said. “I wonder they don’t call you to a full professorship of idiocy somewhere.”

“I guess it’s because they know I wouldn’t go,” said the Idiot.

“Did you say you were in college ever?” sneered the Bibliomaniac, rising from the table.

“Yes,” said the Idiot. “I went to Columbia for two weeks in the early nineties. I got a special A. B. at the beginning of the third week for my proficiency in sciolism and horseplay. I used a pony in an examination and stuck too closely to the text.”

“You talk like it,” snapped the Bibliomaniac.

“Thank you,” returned the Idiot, suavely. “I ought to. I was one of the few men in my class who really earned his degree by persistent effort.”

XVI

THE HORSE SHOW

“I suppose, Mr. Idiot,” observed Mr. Brief, as the Idiot took his accustomed place at the breakfast-table, “that you have been putting in a good deal of your time this week at the Horse Show?”

“Yes,” said the Idiot, “I was there every night it was open. I go to all the shows—Horse, Dog, Baby, Flower, Electrical—it doesn’t matter what. It’s first-rate fun.”

“Pretty fine lot of horses, this year?” asked the Doctor.

“Don’t know,” said the Idiot. “I heard there were some there, but I didn’t see ’em.”

“What?” cried the Doctor. “Went to the Horse Show and didn’t see the horses?”

“No,” said the Idiot. “Why should I? I don’t know a cob from a lazy back. Of course I know that the four-legged beast that goes when you say get ap is a horse, but beyond that my equine education has been neglected. I can see all the horses I want to look at on the street, anyhow.”

“Then what in thunder do you go to the Horse Show for?” demanded the Bibliomaniac. “To sleep?”

“No,” rejoined the Idiot. “It’s too noisy for that. I go to see the people. People are far more interesting to me than horses, and I get more solid fun out of seeing the nabobs go through their paces than could be got out of a million nags of high degree kicking up their heels in the ring. If they’d make the horses do all sorts of stunts, it might be different, but they don’t. They show you the same old stuff year in and year out, and things that you can see almost any fine day in the Park during the season. You and I know that a four-horse team can pull a tally-ho coach around without breaking its collective neck. We know that two horses harnessed together fore and aft instead of abreast are called a tandem, and can drag a cart on two wheels and about a mile high a reasonable distance without falling dead. There isn’t anything new or startling in their performance, and why anybody should pay to see them doing the commonplace, everyday act I don’t know. It isn’t as if they had a lot of thoroughbreds on exhibition who could sit down at a table and play a round of bridge whist or poker. That would be worth seeing. So would a horse that could play ‘Cavalleria Rusticana’ on the piano, but when it comes to dragging a hansom-cab or a grocery-wagon around the tanbark, why, it seems to me to lack novelty.”

“The idea of a horse playing bridge whist!” jeered the Bibliomaniac. “What a preposterous proposition!”

“Well, I’ve seen fellows with less sense than the average horse make a pretty good stab at it at the club,” said the Idiot. “Perhaps my suggestion is extreme, but I put it that way merely to emphasize my point. I’ve seen an educated pig play cards, though, and I don’t see why they can’t put the horse through very much the same course of treatment and teach him to do something that would make him more of an object of interest when he has his week of glory. I don’t care what it is as long as it is out of the ordinary.”

“There is nothing in the world that is more impressive than a fine horse in action,” said the Doctor. “What you suggest would take away from his dignity and make him a freak.”

“I didn’t say it wouldn’t,” rejoined the Idiot. “In fact, my remarks implied that it would. You don’t quite understand my meaning. If I owned a stable I’d much rather my horses didn’t play bridge whist, because, in all probability, they’d be sending into the house at all hours of the night asking me to come over to the barn and make a fourth hand. It’s bad enough having your neighbors doing that sort of thing without encouraging your horse to go into the business. Nor would it please me as a lover of horseback-riding to have a mount that could play grand opera on the piano. The chances are it would spoil three good things—the horse, the piano, and the opera—but if I were getting up a show and asking people from all over the country to pay good money to get into it, then I should want just such things. In the ordinary daily pursuits of equine life the horse suits me just as he is, but for the extraordinary requirements of an exhibition he lacks diverting qualities. He’s more solemn than a play by Sudermann or Blanketty Bjornsen; he is as lacking in originality as a comic-opera score by Sir Reginald de Bergerac, and his drawing powers, outside of cab-work, as far as I am concerned, are absolutely nil. A horse that can draw a picture I’d travel miles to see. A horse that can’t draw anything but a T-cart or an ice-wagon hasn’t two cents’ worth of interest in my eyes.”

“But can’t you see the beauty in the action of a horse?” demanded the Doctor.

“It all depends on his actions,” said the Idiot. “I’ve seen horses whose actions were highly uncivilized.”

“I mean his form—not his behavior,” said the Doctor.

“Well, I’ve never understood enough about horses to speak intelligently on that point,” observed the Idiot. “It’s incomprehensible to me how your so-called judges reason. If a horse trots along hiking his forelegs ’way up in the air as if he were grinding an invisible hand-organ with both feet, people rave over his high-stepping and call him all sorts of fine names. But if he does the same thing with his hind-legs they call it springhalt or stringhalt, or something of that kind, and set him down as a beastly old plug. The scheme seems to me to be inconsistent, and if I were a horse I’m blessed if I think I’d know what to do. How a thing can be an accomplishment in front and a blemish behind is beyond me, but there is the fact. They give a blue ribbon to the front-hiker and kick the hind-hiker out of the show altogether—they wouldn’t even pin a Bryan button on his breast.”

“I fancy a baby show is about your size,” said the Doctor.

“Well—yes,” said the Idiot, “I guess perhaps you are right, as far as the exhibit is concerned. There’s something almost human about a baby, and it’s the human element always that takes hold of me. It’s the human element in the Horse Show that takes me and most other people as well. Fact is, so many go to see the people and so few to see the horses that I have an idea that someday they’ll have it with only one horse—just enough of a nag to enable them to call it a Horse Show—and pay proper attention to the real things that make it a success even now.”

The Doctor sniffed contemptuously. “What factors in your judgment contribute most to the success of the Horse Show?” he asked.

“Duds chiefly,” said the Idiot, “and the people who are inside of them. If there were a law passed requiring every woman who goes to the Horse Show to wear a simple gown in order not to scare the horses, ninety percent of ’em would stay at home, and all the blue-ribbon steeds in creation couldn’t drag them to the Garden—and nobody’d blame them for it, either. Similarly with the men. You don’t suppose for an instant, do you, that young Hawkins Van Bluevane would give seven cents for the Horse Show if it didn’t give him a chance to appear every afternoon in his Carnegie plaid waistcoat?”

“That’s a new one on me,” said Mr. Brief. “Is there such a thing as a Carnegie plaid?”

“It’s the most popular that ever came out of Scotland,” said the Idiot. “It’s called the Carnegie because of the size of the checks. Then there’s poor old Jimmie Varickstreet—the last remnant of a first family—hasn’t enough money to keep a goat-wagon, and couldn’t tell you the difference between a sawhorse and a crupper. He gives up his hall bedroom Horse-Show week and lives in the place day and night, covering up the delinquencies of his afternoon and evening clothes with a long yellow ulster with buttons like butter-saucers distributed all over his person—”

“Where did he get it, if he’s so beastly poor?” demanded the Lawyer.

“He’s gone without food and drink and clothes that don’t show. He has scrimped and saved, and denied himself for a year to get up a gaudy shell in which for six glorious days to shine resplendent,” said the Idiot. “Jimmie lives for those six days, and as you see him flitting from box to box and realize that he is an opulent swell for six days of every year, and a poor, downtrodden exile for the rest of the time, you don’t grudge him his little diversion and almost wish you had sufficient will power to deny yourself the luxuries and some of the necessities of life as well to get a coat like that. If I had my way they’d award Jimmie Varickstreet at least an honorable mention as one of the most interesting exhibits in the whole show.

“And there are plenty of others. There’s raw material enough in that Horse Show to make it a permanent exhibition if the managers would only get together and lick it into shape. As a sort of social zoo it is unsurpassed, and why they don’t classify the various sections of it I can’t see. In the first place, imagine a dozen boxes filled with members of the Four Hundred, men and women whose names have become household words, and wearing on their backs garments made by the deft fingers of the greatest sartorial artists of the ages. You and I walk in and are permitted to gaze upon this glorious assemblage—the American nobility—in its gayest environment. Wouldn’t it interest you to know that that very beautiful woman in the lavender creation, wrapped up in a billion-dollar pearl necklace, is the famous Mrs. Bollington-Jones, who holds the divorce championship of South Dakota, and that those two chaps who are talking to her so vivaciously are two of her ex-husbands, Van Bibber Beaconhill and ‘Tommy’ Fitz Greenwich? Wouldn’t it interest you more than any horse in the ring to know that her gown was turned out at Mrs. Robert Bluefern’s Dud Studio at a cost of nine thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars, hat included? Yet the program says never a word about these people. Every horse that trots in has a number so that you can tell who and what and why he is, but there are no placards on Mrs. Bollington-Jones by which she may be identified.

“Then on the promenade, there is Hooker Van Winkle. He’s out on bail for killing a farmer with his automobile up in Connecticut somewhere. There is young Walston Addlepate, whose father pays him a salary of twenty-five thousand dollars a year for keeping out of business. There’s Jimson Gooseberry, the cotillion leader, whose name is on every lip during the season. Approaching you, dressed in gorgeous furs, is Mrs. Dinningforth Winter, who declined to meet Prince Henry when he was here, because of a previous engagement to dine with Tolby Robinson’s pet monkey just in from a cruise in the Indies. And so it goes. The place fairly shrieks with celebrities whose names appear in the Social Register, and whose photographs in pink and green are the stock in trade of the Sunday newspapers of saffron tendencies everywhere—but what is done about it? Nothing at all. They come and go, conspicuous but unidentified, and wasting their notoriety on the desert air. It is a magnificent opportunity wasted, and, unless you happen to know these people by sight, you miss a thousand and one little points which are the sine qua non of the show.”

“I wonder you don’t write another Baedeker,” said the Bibliomaniac—“The Idiot’s Handbook to the Horse Show, or Who’s Who at the Garden.”

“It would be a good idea,” said the Idiot. “But the show people must take the initiative. The whole thing needs a live manager.”

“A sort of Ward MacAllister again?” asked Mr. Brief.

“No, not exactly,” said the Idiot. “Society has plenty of successors to Ward MacAllister. What they seem to me to need most is a P. T. Barnum. A man like that could make society a veritable Klondike, and with the Horse Show as a nucleus he wouldn’t have much trouble getting the thing started along.”

XVII

SUGGESTION TO CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS

“By jingo!” said the Idiot, as he wearily took his place at the breakfast-table the other morning, “but I’m just regularly tuckered out.”

“Late hours again?” asked the Lawyer.

“Not a late hour,” returned the Idiot. “Matter of fact, I went to bed last night at half-after seven and never waked until nine this morning. In spite of all that sleep and rest I feel now as if I’d been put through a threshing-machine. Every bone in my body from the funny to the medulla aches like all possessed, and my joints creak like a new pair of shoes on a school-boy in church, they are so stiff.”

“Oh well,” said the Doctor, “what of it? The pace that kills is bound to have some symptoms preliminary to dissolution. If you, like other young men of the age, burn the candle at both ends and in the middle, what can you expect? You push nature into a corner and then growl like all possessed because she rebels.”

“Not I,” retorted the Idiot. “Mr. Pedagog and the Poet and Mr. Bib may lead the strenuous life, but as for mine the simple life is the thing. I’m not striving after the unattainable. I’m not wasting my physical substance in riotous living. The cold and clammy touch of dissipation is not writing letters of burning condemnation proceedings on my brow. Excesses in any form are utterly unknown to me, and from one end of the Subway to the other you won’t find another man of my age who in general takes better care of himself. I am as watchful of my own needs as though I were a baby and my own nurse at one and the same time. No mother could watch over her offspring more tenderly than I watch over me, and—”

“Well, then, what in thunder is the matter with you?” cried the Lawyer, irritated. “If this is all true, why on earth are you proclaiming yourself as a physical wreck? There must be some cause for your condition.”

“There is,” said the Idiot, meekly. “I went Christmas shopping yesterday without having previously trained for it, and this is the result. I sometimes wonder, Doctor, that you gentlemen, who have the public health more or less in your hands, don’t take the initiative and stave off nervous prostration and other ills attendant upon a run-down physical condition instead of waiting for a fully developed case and trying to cure it after the fact. The ounce-of-prevention idea ought to be incorporated, it seems to me, into the materia medica.”

“What would you have us do, move mountains?” demanded the Doctor. “I’m not afraid to tackle almost any kind of fever known to medical science, but the shopping-fever—well, it is incurable. Once it gets hold of a man or a woman, and more especially a woman, there isn’t anything that I know of can get it out of the system. I grant you that it is as much of a disease as scarlet, typhoid, or any other, but the mind has not yet been discovered that can find a remedy for it short of abject poverty, and even that has been known to fail.”

“That’s true enough,” said the Idiot, “but what you can do is to make it harmless. There are lots of diseases that our forefathers used to regard as necessarily fatal that nowadays we look upon as mere trifles, because people can be put physically into such a condition that they are practically immune to their ravages.”

“Maybe so—but if people will shop they are going to be knocked out by it. I don’t see that we doctors can do anything to mitigate the evil effects of the consequences ab initio. After the event we can pump you full of quinine and cod-liver oil and build you up again, but the ounce of prevention for shopping troubles is as easily attainable as a ton of radium to a man with eight cents and a canceled postage-stamp in his pocket,” said the Doctor.

“Nonsense, Doctor. You’re only fooling,” said the Idiot. “A college president might as well say that boys will play football, and that there’s nothing they can do to stave off the inevitable consequences of playing the game to one who isn’t prepared for it. You know as well as anybody else that from November 15th to December 24th every year an epidemic of shopping is going to break out in our midst. You know that it will rage violently in the last stage beginning December 15th, thanks to our habit of leaving everything to the last minute. You know that the men and women in your care, unless they have properly trained for the exigencies of the epidemic period, will be prostrated physically and nervously, racked in bone and body, aching from tip to toe, their energy exhausted and their spines as limp as a rag, and yet you claim you can do nothing. What would we think of a football trainer who would try thus to account for the condition of his eleven at the end of a season? We’d bounce him, that’s what.”

“Perhaps that gigantic intellect of yours has something to suggest,” sneered the Doctor.

“Certainly,” quoth the Idiot. “I dreamed it all out in my sleep last night. I dreamed that you and I together had started a series of establishments all over the country—”

“To eradicate the shopping evil?” laughed the Doctor. “A sort of Keeley Cure for shopping inebriates?”

“Nay, nay,” retorted the Idiot. “The shopping inebriate is too much of a factor in our commercial prosperity to make such a thing as that popular. My scheme was a sort of shopnasium.”

“A what?” roared the Doctor.

“A shopnasium,” explained the Idiot. “We have gymnasiums in which we teach gymnastics. Why not have a shopnasium in which to teach what we might call shopnastics? Just think of what a boon it would be for a lot of delicate women, for instance, who know that along about Christmastime they must hie them forth to the department stores, there to be crushed and mauled and pulled and hauled until there is scarcely anything left to them, to feel that they could come to our shopnasium and there be trained for the ordeal which they cannot escape.”

“Very nice,” said the Doctor. “But how on earth can you train them? That’s what I’d like to know.”

“How? Why, how on earth do you train a football team except by practice?” demanded the Idiot. “It wouldn’t take a very ingenious mind to figure out a game called shopping that would be governed by rules similar to those of football. Take a couple of bargain-counters for the goals. Place one at one end of the shopnasium and one at the other. Then let sixty women start from number one and try to get to number two across the field through another body of sixty women bent on getting to the other one, and vice versa. You could teach ’em all the arts of the rush-line, defense, running around the ends, breaking through the middle, and all that. At first the scrimmage would be pretty hard on the beginners, but with a month’s practice they’d get hardened to it, and by Christmastime there isn’t a bargain-counter in the country they couldn’t reach without more than ordinary fatigue. An interesting feature of the game would be to have automatic cars and automobiles and cabs running to and fro across the field all the time so that they would become absolute masters of the art of dodging similar vehicles when they encounter them in real life, as they surely must when the holiday season is in full blast and they are compelled by the demands of the hour to go out into the world.”

“The women couldn’t stand it,” said the Doctor. “They might as well be knocked out at the real thing as in the imitation.”

“Not at all,” said the Idiot. “They wouldn’t be knocked out if you gave them preliminary individual exercise with punching-bags, dummies for tackle practice, and other things the football player uses to make himself tough and irresistible.”

“But you can’t reason with shopping as you do with football,” suggested the Lawyer. “Think of the glory of winning a goal which sustains the football player through the toughest of fights. The knowledge that the nation will ring with its plaudits of his gallant achievement is half the backing of your quarter-back.”

“That’s all right,” said the Idiot, “but the make-up of the average woman is such that what pursuit of fame does for the gladiator, the chase after a bargain does for a woman. I have known women so worn and weary that they couldn’t get up for breakfast who had a lion’s strength an hour later at a Monday marked-down sale of laundry soap and Yeats’s poems. What the goal is to the man the bargain is to the woman, so on the question of incentive to action, Mr. Brief, the sexes are about even. I really think, Doctor, there’s a chance here for you and me to make a fortune. Dr. Capsule’s Shopnasium, opened every September for the training and development of expert shoppers in all branches of shopnastics, under the medical direction of yourself and my business management would be a winner. Moreover, it would furnish a business opening for all those football players our colleges are turning out, for, as our institution grew and we established branches of it all over the country, we should, of course, have to have managers in every city, and who better to teach all these things than the expert footballist of the hour?”

“Oh, well,” said the Doctor, “perhaps it isn’t such a bad thing, after all; but I don’t think I care to go into it. I don’t want to be rich.”

“Very well,” said the Idiot. “That being the case, I will modify my suggestion somewhat and send the idea to President Taylor of Vassar and other heads of women’s colleges. As things are now they all ought to have a course of shopping for the benefit of the young women who will soon graduate into the larger institution of matrimony. That is the only way I can see for us to build up a woman of the future who will be able to cope with the strenuous life that is involved today in the purchase of a cake of soap to send to one’s grandmother at Christmas. I know, for I have been through it; and rather than do it again I would let the All-American eleven for 1908 land on me after a running broad jump of sixteen feet in length and four in the air.”

XVIII

FOR A HAPPY CHRISTMAS

“I have a request to make of you gentlemen,” observed the Idiot, as the last buckwheat-cake of his daily allotment disappeared within. “And I sincerely hope you will all grant it. It won’t cost you anything, and will save you a lot of trouble.”

“I promise beforehand under such conditions,” said the Doctor. “The promise that doesn’t cost anything and saves a lot of trouble is the kind I like to make.”

“Same here,” said Mr. Brief.

“None for me,” said the Bibliomaniac. “My confidence in the Idiot’s prophecies is about as great as a defeated statesman’s popular plurality. My experience with him teaches me that when he signals no trouble ahead then is the time to look out for squalls. Therefore, you can count me out on this promise he wants us to make.”

“All right,” said the Idiot. “To tell the truth, I didn’t think you’d come in because I didn’t believe you could qualify. You see, the promise I was going to ask you to make presupposes a certain condition which you don’t fulfill. I was going to ask you, gentlemen, when Christmas comes to give me not the rich and beautiful gifts you contemplate putting into my stocking, but their equivalent in cash. Now you, Mr. Bib, never gave me anything at Christmas but advice, and your advice has no cash equivalent that I could ever find out, and even if it had I’m long on it now. That piece of advice you gave me last March about getting my head shaved so as to give my brain a little air I’ve never been able to use, and your kind suggestion of last August, that I ought to have my head cut off as a sure cure of chronic appendicitis, which you were certain I had, doctors tell me would be conducive to heart failure, which is far more fatal than the original disease. The only use to which I can put it, on my word of honor, is to give it back to you this Christmas with my best wishes.”

“Bosh!” sneered the Bibliomaniac.

“It was, indeed,” said the Idiot. “And there isn’t any market for it. But the rest of you gentlemen will really delight my soul if you will do as I ask. You, Mr. Brief—what is the use of your paying out large sums of money, devoting hour after hour of your time, and practically risking your neck in choosing it, for a motorcar for me, when, as a matter of fact, I’d rather have the money? What’s the use of giving thirty-six hundred dollars for an automobile to put in my stocking when I’d be happier if you’d give me a certified check for twenty-five hundred dollars? You couldn’t get any such discount from the manufacturers, and I’d be more greatly pleased into the bargain. And you, Doctor—generous heart, that you are—why in thunder should you wear yourself out between now and Christmas-day looking for an eighteen-hundred-dollar fur-lined overcoat for me, when, as a matter of actual truth, I’d prefer a twenty-two-dollar ulster with ten crisp one-hundred-dollar bills in the change-pocket?”

“I’m sure I don’t see why I should,” said the Doctor. “And I promise you I won’t. What’s more, I’ll give you the ulster and the ten crisp one hundred dollars without fail if you’ll cash my check for eighteen hundred dollars and give me the change.”

“Certainly,” said the Idiot. “How will you have it, in dimes or nickels?”

“Any way you please,” said the Doctor, with a wink at Mr. Brief.

“All right,” returned the Idiot. “Send up the ulster and the ten crisps and I’ll give you my check for the balance. Then I’ll do the same by you, Mr. Poet. My policy involves a square deal for everybody whatever his previous condition of servitude. Last year, you may remember, you sent me a cigar and a lovely little poem of your own composition:

“When I am blue as indigo, you wrote,
And cold as is the Arctic snow,
Give me no megrims rotting.
I choose the friend
The Heavens send
Who takes me Idiyachting.

Remember that? Well, it was a mighty nice present, and I wouldn’t sell it for a million abandoned farms up in New Hampshire, but this year I’d rather have the money—say one thousand dollars and five cents—a thousand dollars instead of the poem and five cents in place of the cigar.”

“I am afraid you value my verse too high,” smiled the Poet.

“Not that one,” said the Idiot. “The mere words don’t amount to much. I could probably buy twice as many just as good for four dollars, but the way in which you arranged them, and the sentiment they conveyed, made them practically priceless to me. I set their value at a thousand dollars because that is the minimum sum at which I can be tempted to part with things that on principle I should always like to keep—like my word of honor, my conscience, my political views, and other things a fellow shouldn’t let go of for minor considerations. The value of the cigar I may have placed too high, but the poem—never.”

“And yet you don’t want another?” asked the Poet, reproachfully.

“Indeed I do,” returned the Idiot, “but I can’t afford to own so much literary property any more than I can afford to possess Mr. Brief’s automobile—and this is precisely what I am driving at. So many people nowadays present us at Christmas with objects we can’t afford to own, that we cannot possibly repay, and overwhelm us with luxuries when we are starving for our necessities, so that Christmas, instead of bringing happiness with it, brings trial and tribulation. I know of a case last year where a very generous-hearted individual sent a set of Ruskin, superbly bound in full calf that would have set the Bibliomaniac here crazy with joy, to a widow who had just pawned her wedding ring to buy a Christmas turkey for her children. A bundle of kindling-wood would have been far more welcome than a Carnegie library at that moment, and yet here was a generous soul who was ready to spend a good hundred dollars to make the recipient happy. Do you suppose the lady looked upon that sumptuous Ruskin with anything but misery in her heart?”

“Oh, well, she could have pawned that instead of her wedding ring,” sniffed the Bibliomaniac.

“She couldn’t for two reasons,” said the Idiot. “In the first place, her sensibilities were such that she could not have pawned a present just received, and, in the second place, she lived in the town of Hohokus on the Nepperhan, and there isn’t a pawnshop within a radius of fifty miles of her home. Besides, it’s easier to sneak into a pawnshop with a wedding ring for your collateral than to drive up with a van big enough to hold a complete set of Ruskin bound in full calf. It takes nerve and experience to do that with a cool and careless mien, and, whatever you may have in that respect, Mr. Bib, there are few refined widows in reduced circumstances who are similarly gifted. Then take the case of my friend Billups—some sharp of a tailor got out a judgment against Billups for ninety-eight dollars for a bill he couldn’t pay on the fifteenth of December. Billups got his name in the papers, and received enough notoriety to fill him with ambition to go on the stage, and it nearly killed him, and what do you suppose his friends did when Christmas came around? Did they pay off that judgment and relieve him of the odium of having his name chalked up on the public slate? Not they. They sent him forty dollars’ worth of golf-clubs, sixteen dollars’ worth of cuff-buttons, eight ten-dollar umbrellas, a half-dozen silver matchboxes, a cigar-cutter, and about two hundred dollars’ worth of other trash that he’s got to pay storage-room for. And on top of that, in order to keep up his end, Billups has had to hang up a lot of tradesmen for the match-cases and cigar-cutters and umbrellas and trash he’s sent to his generous friends in return for their generosity.”

“Oh, rot,” interrupted the Bibliomaniac. “What an idiot your friend Billups must be. Why didn’t he send the presents he received to others, and so saved his money to pay his debts with?”

“Well, I guess he didn’t think of that,” said the Idiot. “We haven’t all got the science of Christmas-giving down as fine as you have, Mr. Bib. But that is a valuable suggestion of yours and I’ll put it down among the things that can be done in the plan I am formulating for the painless Christmas.”

“We can’t relieve one another’s necessities unless we know what they are, can we?” asked Mr. Whitechoker.

“We can if we adopt my cash system,” said the Idiot. “For instance, I know that I need a dozen pairs of new socks. Modesty would prevent my announcing this fact to the world, and as long as I wear shoes you’d never find it out, but if, when Christmas came, you gave me twenty-five dollars instead of Foxe’s Book of Martyrs in words of one syllable, you would relieve my necessities and so earn my everlasting gratitude. Dr. Capsule here wouldn’t acknowledge to you or to me that his suspenders are held together in three places with safety-pins, and will so continue to be until these prosperous times moderate; but if we were to present him with nine dollars and sixty-eight cents on Christmas morning, we should discern a look of gratitude in his eye on that suspender account that would be missing if we were to hand him out a seven-dollar gold-mounted shaving-mug instead. We should have shown our generous spirit on his behalf, which is all a Christmas present ever does, whether it is a diamond tiara or a chain of sausages, and at the same time have relieved his anxieties about his braces. His gratitude would be double-barreled, and his happiness a surer shot. Give us the money, say I, and let us relieve our necessities first, and then if there is anything left over we can buy some memorial of the day with the balance.”

“Well, I think it’s a pretty good plan,” said Mrs. Pedagog. “It would save a lot of waste, anyhow. But it isn’t possible for all of us to do it, Mr. Idiot. I, for instance, haven’t any money to give you.”

“You could give me something better,” said the Idiot. “I wouldn’t accept any money from you for a Christmas present.”

“Then what shall it be?” asked the Landlady.

“Well—a receipt in full for my bill to date,” said the Idiot.

“Mercy!” cried the Landlady. “I couldn’t afford that—”

“Oh, yes you could,” said the Idiot. “Because for your Christmas I’d give you a check in full for the amount.”

“Oh—I see,” smiled the Landlady. “Then what do we get for our Christmas? Strikes me it’s about as broad as it is long.”

“Precisely,” said the Idiot. “We get even—and that’s about as conducive to a happy Christmas, to Peace on Earth and Good Will to men, as any condition I know of. If I can get square for Christmas I don’t want anything else.”

Half-Hours with the Idiot

CONTENTS:

1 … As to Ambassadors’ Residences
2 … As to the Fair Sex
3 … He Goes Christmas Shopping
4 … As to the Income Tax
5 … A Psychic Venture
6 … On Medical Conservation
7 … The U. S. Telephonic Aid Society

8 … For Tired Business Men

I

AS TO AMBASSADORS’ RESIDENCES

“I am glad to see that the government is beginning to think seriously of providing Ambassadors’ residences at the various foreign capitals to which our Ambassadors are accredited,” said the Idiot, stirring his coffee with a small pocket thermometer, and entering the recorded temperature of 58 degrees Fahrenheit in his little memorandum book. “That’s a thing we have needed for a long time. It has always seemed a humiliating thing to me to note the differences between the houses of our government officials of equal rank, but of unequal fortune, abroad. To leave the home of an Ambassador to Great Britain, a massive sixteen-story mausoleum, looking like a collision between a Carnegie Library and a State Penitentiary, with seven baths and four grand pianos on every floor, with guides always on duty to show you the way from your bedchamber to the breakfast room, and a special valet for each garment you wear, from sock to collar, and go over to Rome and find your Ambassador heating his coffee over a gas-jet in a hall bedroom on the top floor of some dusty old Palazzo, overlooking the garage of the Spanish Minister, is disconcerting, to say the least. It may be a symptom of American fraternity, but it does not speak volumes for Western Hemispherical equality, and the whole business ought to be standardized. An American Embassy architecturally should not be either a twin brother to a Renaissance lunatic asylum, or a replica of a four thousand dollar Ladies’ Home Journal bungalow that can be built by the owner himself working Sunday afternoons for eight hundred dollars, exclusive of the plumbing.”

“You are right for once, Mr. Idiot,” said the Bibliomaniac approvingly. “The last time I was abroad traveling with one of those Through Europe in Ten Days parties, I could not make up my mind which was the more humiliating to me as an American citizen, the lavish ostentation of one embassy, or the niggardly squalor of another; and it occurred to me then that here was a first-class opportunity for some patriot to come along and do his country’s dignity some good by pruning a little in one place, and fattening things up a bit in another.”

“Quite so,” said the Idiot, inhaling a waffle.

“And I have been hoping,” continued the Bibliomaniac, “that Congress would authorize the purchase of suitable houses in foreign capitals for the purpose of correcting the evil.”

“That’s where we diverge, sir,” said the Idiot, “as the lady said to her husband, when they got their first glimpse of the courthouse at Reno. We don’t want to purchase. We want to build. The home of an American Ambassador should express America, not the country to which he is sent to Ambass. There’s nothing to my mind less appropriate than to find a diplomat from Oklahoma named, let us say, Dinkelspiel, housed in a Louis Fourteenth chateau on the Champs Eliza; or a gentleman from Indiana dwelling in the palace of some noble but defunct homicidal Duck of the Sforza strain in Rome; or a leading Presbyterian representing us at Constantinople receiving his American visitors in a collection of bargain-counter minarets formerly occupied by the secondary harem of the Sublime Porte. There is an incongruity about that sort of thing that, while it may add to the gaiety of nations, leaves Uncle Sam at the wrong end of the joke. When the thing is done it ought to be done from the ground up. Uncle Sam should always feel at home in his own house, and I contend that he couldn’t really feel that way in an ex-harem, or in one of those cold-storage Roman Palazzos where the Borgias used to dispense cyanide of potassium frappé to their friends and neighbors. He doesn’t fit into that sort of thing any more than he fits into those pink satin knee-breeches, and the blue cocked hat with rooster feathers that diplomatic usage requires him to wear when he goes to make a party call on the Czar. So I am hoping that when Congress takes the matter up it will consider only the purchase of suitable sites, and then go on to adopt a standardized residence which from cellar to roof, from state salon to kitchen, shall express the American idea.”

“You talk as if there were an American idea in architecture,” said the Doctor. “If there is such a thing to be found anywhere under the canopy, let’s have it.”

“Oh, it hasn’t been evolved, yet,” said the Idiot. “But it soon would be if we were to put our minds on it. We can be just as strong on evolution as we always have been on revolution if we only try. The first thing would be for us to recognize that in his fullest development up to date the real American is a composite of everything that is best in all other nations. Take my humble self for instance.”

“What, again?” groaned the Bibliomaniac. “Really, Mr. Idiot, you are worse than the measles. You can take that only once, but you—why, we’ve had you so often that it sometimes seems as if life were just one idiotic thing after another.”

“Oh, all right,” said the Idiot. “In that case, let’s take you for a dreadful example. What are you, anyhow, Mr. Bib, but the ultimate result of a highly variegated international complication in the matter of ancestry? Your father was English; your mother was German. Your grandparents were Scotch, Irish, and Manx, with a touch of French on one side, and a mixture of Hungarian, Danish, and Russian on the other. It is just possible that without knowing it you also contain traces of Italian and Spanish. Your love of classic literature suggests that somewhere back in the ages one of your forbears swarmed about Athens as a member of that famous clan, the Hoi Polloi. The touch of melancholy in your nature may be attributed to overindulgence in waffles, but it suggests also that Scandinavia had a hand in the evolution of your Ego. In other words, sir, you are a sort of human pousse-café, a mighty agreeable concoction, Mr. Bib, though a trifle dangerous to tackle at breakfast. Now, as I wanted to say in the beginning, when you intimated that I was in danger of becoming chronic, I am out of the same box of ancestral odds and ends that you are. I am a mixture of Dutch, French, English, and Manx, with an undoubted strain of either Ciceronian Roman or Demosthenesian Greek thrown in—I’m not certain which—as is evidenced by my overwhelming predilection for the sound of my own voice.”

“That much is perfectly clear,” interjected the Bibliomaniac, “though the too-easy and overcontinuous flow of your speech indicates that your veins contain some of the torrential qualities of the Ganges.”

“Say rather the Mississippi, Mr. Bib,” suggested Mr. Brief. “The Mississippi has the biggest mouth.”

“Well, anyhow,” continued the Idiot, unabashed, “whether my speech suggests the unearthly, mystic beauty of the Ganges, or the placid fructifying flow of the Mississippi, the fact remains that the best American type is a composite of all the best that human experience has been able to produce in the way of a featherless biped since Doctor Darwin’s friend, Simian, got rid of his tail, preferring to sleep quietly on his back in bed rather than spend his nights swinging nervously to and fro from the limb of a tree. Since we can’t deny this, let’s make a virtue of it, and act accordingly. What is more simple, then, than that a composite people should go in for a composite architecture to express themselves in marble, stone, and brick? Acting on this principle let our architecture express the glory that was Greece, the grandeur that was Rome, the utility that was England, the economy that was Scotch, the espièglerie that was France, the simplicity that was Holland, and the efficiency that was Germany, not to mention the philandery that was Constantinople. The problem will be how to combine all these various strains and qualities in one composite building, and that, of course, will have to be solved by architects. It isn’t a thing like banking that under the theories of modern Statesmanship can be settled by chauffeurs, tobacconists, and undertakers, but will require expert handling. I don’t know very much about architecture myself, but offhand I should say that the exterior of the building might be a combination of late Victorian Queen Anne, softened somewhat with Elizabethan suggestions of neo-Gothic Graeco-Roman Classicism; with a Byzantine fullness about the eaves, relieved with a touch of Hebridean French Renaissance manifested in the rococo quality of the pergola effect at the front, the whole building welded into a less inchoate mass by a very pronounced feeling of Georgian decadence, emphasized with a gambrel roof, and the façade decorated with flamboyant Dutch fire escapes, bringing irresistibly to mind the predominance in all American art of the Teutonic-Doric, as shown in our tendency to gables supported by moorish pilasters done in Hudson River brick. Not being an architect myself I don’t know that a building of that kind could be made to stand up, but we might experiment on the proposition by erecting a Pan-European building in Washington, and see whether it would stand or not. If it could stand through one extra session of Congress without cracking, I don’t see why it couldn’t be put up anywhere abroad with perfect confidence that it would stay up through one administration, anyhow.”

“A nightmare of that kind erected in the capital city of a friendly power would be just cause for war to the knife!” said Mr. Brief.

“Well, I have an alternative proposition,” said the Idiot, “and I am not sure that it isn’t far better than the other. Why not erect a Statue of Liberty in every capital abroad, an exact reproduction of that monumental affair in New York Harbor, and let our Ambassadors live in them? They tell me there’s as much room inside Liberty’s skirts as there is in any ordinary ten-story apartment house, and there is no reason why it should not be utilized. My suggestion would be to have all the offices of the Embassies in the pedestals, and let the Ambassador and his family live in the overskirt. There’d be plenty of room left higher up in the torso for guest chambers, and in the uplifted arm for nurseries for the ambassadorial children, and the whole could be capped with a magnificent banquet hall on the rim of the torch, at the base of the brazen flame.”

“A plan worthy of the gigantic intellect that conceived it,” smiled the Doctor. “But how would you have this thing furnished, Mr. Idiot? Would that be done by the Ambassadors themselves, or would the President have to call a special session of Congress to tackle the job?”

“I was coming to that,” said the Idiot. “It has occurred to me that it would be a fine thing to have forty-eight rooms in the statue, each named after one of our American States, and then leave it to each State to furnish its own room. This would lend a pleasing variety to the inside of the building that could hardly fail to interest the visitor, and would give the foreigners a very clear insight into our resources along lines of interior decorations. Think of the Massachusetts Room, for example—a fine old horse-hair mahogany sofa in one corner; a rosewood highboy off in another; an old-fashioned four-poster bed projecting out into the middle of the room, and a blue china washbowl and pitcher on a spindle-legged washstand nearby; and on the wall three steel engravings, one showing John Hancock signing the Declaration of Independence, another of Charles Sumner preaching emancipation, and a third showing Billy Sunday trying to sweep back the waves of a damp Boston from the sand dunes of a gradually drying Commonwealth. Then the Michigan room would be a corker, lavishly filled with antique furniture fresh from Grand Rapids, and a bronze statuette of Henry Ford at each end of the mantelpiece for symmetry’s sake, the ceiling given over to a symbolical painting entitled The Confusion of Bacchus, reproducing scenes in Detroit when announcement was made that the good old State had voted for grape-juice as the official tipple. Missouri’s room could be made a thing of beauty and a joy forever, with its lovely wall paper showing her favorite sons, Dave Francis and Champ Clark alternately, separated by embossed hound-dogs, rampant, done in gilt bronze, and the State motto, Show Me, in red, white, and blue tiles over the fireplace. Really I can’t imagine anything more expressive of all-America than that would be. Florida could take the Palm Room; New York the rather frigid and formal white and gold reception room; Maine as the leading cold-water State of the Union could furnish the bathrooms; California could provide a little cafeteria affair for a quick lunch in mission style, and owing to her preeminence in literature, the library could be turned over to Indiana with every assurance that if there were not books enough to go round, any one of her deservedly favorite sons, from George Ade to George McCutcheon, would write a five-foot shelf-full at any time to supply the deficiency.

“Murally speaking, a plan of this sort could be made historically edifying also. Florida could supply a handsome canvas showing Ponce de Leon discovering Palm Beach. In the New Jersey room the Battle of Trenton could be shown, depicting the retreat of Jim Smith, and the final surrender of Democracy to General Wilson. Ohio could emphasize in an appropriate medium the Discovery of the Oil Fields by Mr. Rockefeller. Pennsylvania could herald her glories with a mural painting apotheosizing William Penn and Andrew Carnegie in the act of forging her heart of steel in the fires of immortality, kept burning by a never-ending stream of bonds poured forth from the end of a cornucopia by Fortune herself. An heroic figure of Governor Blease defying the lightning would come gracefully from South Carolina, and Rhode Island, always a most aristocratic little State, could emphasize the descent of some of her favorite sons from Darwin’s original inspiration by a frieze depicting a modern tango party at Newport, in which the preservation of the type, and a possible complete reversion thereto, should be made imperishably obvious to all beholders.

“Then, to make the thing consistent throughout, the homes of Ambassadors having been standardized, Congress should order a standard uniform for her representatives abroad. This would settle once and for all the vexed question as to what an Ambassador shall wear when presented to King This, or Emperor That, or the Ponkapog of Thingumbob. I think it ought to be a definitely established principle that every nation should be permitted to choose its own official dud, but not the duds of others. There is no reason in the world why the King of England should be permitted to dictate the style of garments an American Ambassador shall wear. Suppose he ordered him to attend a five o’clock tea clad in yellow pajamas trimmed with red-plush fringe and gold tassels emerging from green rosettes? It would be enough to set the eagle screaming and to justify the sending of a Commission of Protest headed by Mr. Bryan over to London to slap Mr. Lloyd George on the wrist. Nor should the Kaiser be permitted to say how an American representative shall dress when calling upon him, compelling him to appear perhaps in a garb entirely unsuited to his style of beauty—something like the uniform of a glorified White Wing, for instance, decorated with peacock feathers, and wearing an alpine hat with a stuffed parrot lying flat on its back on the peak, on his head. That sort of thing does not gee with our pretensions. We are a free and independent nation, and it is time to assert our independence of the sartorial shackles those foreign potentates would fasten upon us. Let the fiat go forth that hereafter all American Ambassadors wheresoever accredited shall wear a long blue swallowtail coat with brass buttons, and forty-eight stars, lit by electricity from a small battery concealed in the pistol pocket, appliquéd on the tails; red and white-striped doeskin trousers, skin tight, held down by straps under the boots; and an embroidered waist-coat, showing a couple of American eagles standing on their hind legs and facing the world with the defiant cry of We Pluribus Us; the whole topped off with a bell-crowned, fuzzy beaver hat, made of silver-gray plush, which shall never be removed in the presence of anybody, potentate or peasant, plutocrat or Cook tourist. If in addition to these items the Ambassador were compelled to wear a long, yellow chin whisker, it would be just the liverest livery that ever came down the pike of Brummelian splendor. It would emphasize the presence of the American Ambassador wherever he went, and make the effete nations of Europe, Asia, Africa, and Pan America sit up and take notice.”

“Doubtless,” said the Bibliomaniac, rising impatiently. “And do you suppose the President could find any self-respecting American in or out of jail who would be willing to wear such a costume as that?”

“Well,” said the Idiot, “of course some of ’em might object, but I’ll bet you four dollars and eighty-seven cents’ worth of doughnuts against a Chautauqua rain check that any man who offered you seventeen thousand five hundred dollars a year for wearing those duds without having the money to back the offer up would find your name at the head of the list of his preferred creditors in less than three shakes of a lamb’s tail!”

II

AS TO THE FAIR SEX

“I observe with pain,” said the Idiot, as he placed the Bibliomaniac’s pat of butter under his top waffle, “that there is a more or less acrimonious dispute going on as to the propriety of admitting women to the Hall of Fame. The Immortals already in seem to think that immortality belongs exclusively to the male order of human beings, and that the word is really ‘Him-mortality’, and decline to provide even a strap for the ladies to hang on in the cars leading to the everlasting heights, all of which causes me to rejoice that I am not an Immortal myself. If the one durable joy in life, the joy that neither crocks nor fades, association with the fair sex, a diversion which age cannot wither nor custom stale its infinite variety, is something an Immortal must get along without, it’s me for the tall timbers of fameless existence. I rejoice that I am but a plain, common-garden, everyday mortal thing, ready for shipment, f. o. b., for the last terminal station on the road to that well-known Irish settlement, O’Blivion.”

“I didn’t know that you were such an admirer of the fair sex, Mr. Idiot,” said the Doctor. “Many years’ residence in a refined home for single gentlemen like this would seem to indicate that the allurements of feminine society were not for you.”

“Quite the contrary,” said the Idiot. “It proves rather my interest in the fair sex as a whole. If I had specialized sufficiently upon one single blessed damozel with pink cheeks, snappy brown eyes, and a pompadour that might strike a soaring lark as the most desirable nest in the world, to ask her to share my lot, and go halves with me in an investment in the bonds of matrimony, it might have been said—I even hope it would have been said—that the allurements of feminine society were not for me. Marriage, my dear Doctor, is no symptom that a man is interested in women. It is merely evidence of the irresistible attraction of one person for another. It’s like sampling a box of candy—you may find the sample extremely pleasing and gobble it up ferociously, but if you were to gobble up the whole box with equal voracity it might prove hateful to you. In my case, I confess that I am so deeply interested in the whole box of tricks that it is the sample I fight shy of, and I have remained single all these years because my heart is no miserable little one-horse-power affair that beats only for one single individual, but a ninety-million horse-power dynamo that whirls madly around day and night, on time and overtime, on behalf of all. I could not possibly bring myself to love only one pair of blue eyes to the utter exclusion of black, brown, or gray; nor can I be sure that if in some moment of weakness I were to tie up irrevocably to a pair of black eyes, somewhere, someday, with the moon just right, and certain psychological conditions wholly propitious, a pair of coruscating brown beads, set beneath two roguish eyebrows, would labor in vain to win a curve of interest from my ascetic upper lip. To put it in the brief form of a cable dispatch, rather than in magazine language at fifteen cents a word, I love ’em all! Blonde, brunette, or in between, in every maid I see a queen, as Shakespeare would have said if he had thought of it.”

“That’s rather promiscuous, isn’t it?” asked the Bibliomaniac.

“No, it’s just playing safe, Mr. Bib,” said the Idiot. “It’s like a man with a million dollars to invest. It isn’t considered quite prudent for him to put every red cent of that million into one single stock. If he put his whole million into U. S. Hot Air Preferred, at 97-7/8, for instance, and someday Hot Air became so cheap that the bottom dropped out of the market, and the stock fell to 8-3/8 that man would practically be a busted community. But if like a true sage he divided his little million up into twenty fifty-thousand dollar lots, and put each lot into some separate stock or bond, the general average would probably maintain itself somewhere around par whether the tariff on lyonnaise potatoes was removed or not. So it is with my affections. If I could invest them in some such way as that I might have to move out of here, and seek some pleasant little domestic Eden where matrimony is not frowned upon.”

“I rather guess you would have to move out of here,” sniffed Mrs. Pedagogy the Landlady. “I might be willing to forego my rules and take somebody in here with one wife, but when a man talks about having twenty—why, I am almost disposed to give you notice now, Mr. Idiot.”

“Don’t you worry your kindly soul about me on that score, Mrs. Pedagog,” smiled the Idiot. “With ostrich feathers at seventy-five dollars a plume, and real Connecticut sealskin coats made of angora plush going at ninety-eight dollars, and any old kind of a falal selling in the open market at a hundred and fifty per frill, there is no danger of my startling this company by bringing home one bride, much less twenty. I was only speculating upon a theoretical ideal of matrimony, a sort of e pluribus unum arrangement which holds much speculative charm, but which in practice would undoubtedly land a man in jail.”

“I had no idea that any of my boarders could ever bring themselves to advance a single word in favor of polygamy,” said the Landlady sternly.

“Nor I,” said the Idiot. “I don’t believe even Mr. Bib here would advocate anything of the sort. I was merely trying to make clear to the Doctor, my dear lady, why I have never attempted to make some woman happy for a week and a martyr for the rest of time. It is due to my deep admiration for the whole feminine sex, and not, as he seemed to think, to a dislike of feminine society. The trace of polygamy which you seem to find in my discourse is purely academic, and it is clear to me that you have quite misunderstood my scheme. A true marriage, one of those absolutely indestructible companionships that we read about in poetry, involves so many more things than any ordinary human being is really capable of, that one who thinks about the matter at all cannot resist the temptation to speculate on how things might be if they were different. The active man of affairs these busy times needs many diverse things in the way of companionship. He needs a helpmate along so many different lines that no single daughter of Eve can reasonably hope to supply them all. For example, if a man marries a woman who is deeply interested in Ibsen and Bernard Shaw abroad, and deep thinkers like William J. Bryan and Thomas Riley Marshall at home, she no doubt makes him ecstatically happy in those solemn moments when his mind wishes to grapple understandingly with the infinite. But suppose that poor chap comes home some night worn to a frazzle with the worries and complications of his business affairs, his spirit fairly yearning for something fluffy and intellectually completely restful, do you suppose for a moment that he is going to be lifted out of the morass of his woe by a conversation with that lady of his on the subject of the Inestimable Infinitude of the Protoplasmic Suffragette as outlined by Professor Sophocles J. Plato in the latest issue of the South American Review? Not he, my dear Mrs. Pedagog. What he wants on that occasion is somebody to sit alongside of him while he pulls away on his old briarwood pipe, holding his tired little paddy in her soft right hand, while she twitters forth George Ade’s latest Fable on ‘The Flipper that Flapped’, or something else equally diverting. The reverse of the picture is equally true. If there is anything in the world that drives a man to despair it is to have to listen to five o’clock tea gabble when he happens to be in a mood for the Alexander Hamilton, or Vice-President Marshall style of discourse. The facts are the same in both cases. The Bernard Shaw lady is a delight to the heart and soul in his Bernard Shaw moods. The George Ade lady is a source of unalloyed bliss in a George Ade mood, but they don’t reverse readily, and in most cases they can’t reverse at all. Then there are other equally baffling complications along other lines. A man may be crazy about poetry, and he falls in love, as he supposes, with a dainty little creature in gold-rimmed eyeglasses, who writes the most exquisite lyrics, simply because he thinks at the moment that those lyrics are going to make his life just one sweet song after another. He marries the little songbird, and then what happens?”

“Never having married a canary, I don’t know,” said the Landlady, with a glance at her husband.

“Well, I’ll tell you,” said the Idiot. “He has a honeymoon of lovely images. He feels like a colt put out to pasture on the slopes of Parnassus. Life runs along with the lilt of a patter song—and then, to indulge in a joke worthy of the palmiest days of London Punch, he comes out of Patter-Song! There dawns a day when he is full chock-a-block up to his neck with poetry, and the inner man craves the reinforcement of the kind of flapjacks his mother used to make. One good waffle would please him more than sixty-seven sonnets on the subject of ‘Aspiration.’ Nothing short of a lustrous, smoking, gleaming stack of fresh buckwheats can hold him on the pinnacle of joy, and the lovely little lyrist, to whom he has committed himself, his destinies, and all that he has under a vow for life, hies herself singing to the kitchen, mixes the necessary amount of concrete, serves the resulting dishes at the breakfast table, and gloom, gloom unmitigated, falls upon that house. After eating two of her cakes poor old hubby begins to feel as if he had swallowed the corner stone of a Carnegie library. That lyric touch that Herrick might have envied and Tennyson have viewed with professional alarm has produced a buckwheat cake of such impenetrable density that the Navy Department, if it only knew about it, would joyously grant her the contract for furnishing the armor plate for the new super-dreadnoughts we are about to build so as to be prepared for Peace after Germany gets through with us. While eating those cakes the victim speculates on that old problem, Is Suicide a Sin? A cloud rises upon the horizon of his joy, and without intending any harm whatsoever, his mind involuntarily reverts to another little lady he once knew, who, while she couldn’t tell the difference between a sonnet and a cabriolet, and had a dim notion when she heard people speaking of Keats that keats were some sort of a shellfish found on the rocks of the Hebrides at low tide, and much relished by the natives, could yet put together a tea biscuit so delicately tenuous of character that it melted in the mouth like a flake of snow on the smokestack of a Pittsburgh blast furnace. Thus an apparently secured joy loses its keen edge, and without anybody being really to blame, life becomes thenceforward, very gradually, but none the less surely, a mere test of endurance—a domestic marathon which must be run to the end, unless the runners collapse before reaching the finish.”

“For both parties!” snapped the Landlady, pursing her lips severely. “You needn’t think that the men are the only ones to suffer—don’t you fool yourself on that point.”

“Oh, indeed I don’t, Mrs. Pedagog,” said the Idiot. “It’s just as bad for the woman as for the man—sometimes a little worse, for there is no denying that women are after all more chameleonic, capable of a greater variety of emotions than men are. A man may find several women in one—in fact, he generally does. It is her frequent unlikeness to herself that constitutes the chief charm of some women. Take my friend Spinks’ wife, for instance. She’s the most exacting Puritan at home that you ever met. Poor Spinksy has to toe a straight mark for at least sixteen hours out of every twenty-four. Mrs. Spinks rules him with a rod of iron, but when that little Puritan goes to a club dance—well, believe me, she is the snappiest eyed, most flirtatious little tangoer in ninety-seven counties. Sundays in church she is the demurest bit of sartorial impressiveness in sight, but at the bridge table you want to keep your eyes wide open all the time lest your comfortable little balance at the bank be suddenly transformed into a howling overdraft. I should say that on general principles Mrs. Spinks is not less than nine or ten women, all rolled into one—Joan of Arc, Desdemona, Lucrezia Borgia, Cleopatra, Nantippe, Juliet, Mrs. Pankhurst, Eve, and the late Carrie Nation. But Spinks—poor old Spinksy—there’s no infinite variety about him. At most Spinks is only two men—Mr. Henpeck at home and Mr. Overworked when he gets out.”

“I suppose from all of this nonsense,” said the Landlady, “that your matrimonial ideal would be found in a household where a man rejoiced in the possession of a dozen wives—one frivolous little Hebe for his joyous moods; one Junoesque thundercloud for serious emergencies; one capable seamstress to keep his buttons sewed on; one first-class housekeeper to look after his domestic arrangements; one suffragette to talk politics to; one blue-stocking for literary companionship; one highly-recommended cook to preside over his kitchen; one musical wife to bang on the piano all day; one athletic girl for outdoor consumption, and a plain, common-garden giggler to laugh at his jokes.”

“I think I could be true to such a household, madame,” said the Idiot, “but please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not advocating such a scheme. I am only saying that since such a scheme is impossible under modern conditions I think it is the best thing that ever happened to my wife that she and I never met.”

“Do you think a household of that sort would be satisfied with you?” asked the Bibliomaniac.

“The chances are six to one that it wouldn’t be,” said the Idiot. “I’d probably get along gloriously with Hebe and the giggler, but I guess the others would stand a fair show of finding marriage a failure. Wherefore am I wedded only to my fancies, content that my days should not be subjected to the strain of trying to be all things to one woman, preferring as I do to remain one thing to all women instead—their devoted admirer and willing slave.”

“Well, to come back to the Immortals,” said the Doctor. “You don’t really think, do you, that we have any women Immortals?”

“Of course, I do,” replied the Idiot. “The world is full of them, and always has been.”

Mr. Brief, the lawyer, tapped his forehead significantly.

“I’m afraid that screw has come loose again, Doctor,” he said.

“Looks that way,” said the Doctor, “but we’ll tighten it up again in a jiffy.”

He paused a moment, and then resumed.

“Well, Mr. Idiot,” he said, “of course our ideas may differ on the subject of what makes an Immortal. Now, I should say that it is by their fruits that ye shall know them.”

“A highly original remark,” observed the Idiot, with a grin.

“That aside,” said the Doctor, coolly, “let’s take up, for purposes of discussion, a few standards. In music, Wagner was an Immortal, and produced his great trilogy. In poetry, Milton was an Immortal, and produced ‘Paradise Lost.’ In the drama, Shakespeare was an Immortal, and produced ‘Hamlet’, and, coming down to our own time, let us grant the obvious fact that Edison is headed toward immortality because of his wizardry in electricity.”

“Sure thing!” said the Idiot.

“It is good to have you grant all I say so readily,” said the Doctor. “Now then—let me ask you where in all history you find four women who in the matter of their achievement, in the demonstrated fruits of their labors, even measurably approached any one of these four I have mentioned?”

“Why, Doctor,” grinned the Idiot, “why ask me to steal candy from a baby? Why suggest that I try to drive a tack with a sledgehammer, or cut a mold of currant jelly with the whirring teeth of a buzz saw—”

“Sparring for time as usual,” cried the Doctor triumphantly. “You can’t name one, and are simply trying to asphyxiate us with that peculiar variety of natural gas for which you have long been famous.”

“I’ll fill the roster with examples if you’ll sit and listen,” said the Idiot. “I can match every male genius that ever lived from Noah down to Josephus Daniels with a woman whose product was of equal if not even greater value. Begin where you please—in any century before or since the flood, and I’ll be your huckleberry—Wagner, Milton, Cromwell, Roosevelt, Secretary Daniels, Kaiser Wilhelm, Methuselah—I don’t care who or what he is—I’ll match him.”

“All right,” said the Doctor. “Suppose we begin low with that trifling little frivoler in literature, William Shakespeare!”

“Good!” cried the Idiot. “He’ll do—I’ll just mark him off with Mrs. Shakespeare.”

“What?” chuckled the Doctor. “Anne Hathaway?”

“No,” said the Idiot. “Not Anne Hathaway, but Shakespeare’s mother.”

“Oh, tush!” ejaculated the Bibliomaniac impatiently. “What rot! A wholly unknown provincial person of whom the world knows about as much as a beetle knows about Mars. What on earth did she ever produce?”

“Shakespeare!” said the Idiot, in an impressive basso-profundo tone that echoed through the room like a low rumble of thunder.

And a silence fell upon that table so deep, so abysmally still, that one could almost hear the snowflakes falling upon the trolley tracks sixteen blocks away.

III

HE GOES CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

“Mercy, Mr. Idiot,” cried Mrs. Pedagog, as the Idiot entered the breakfast room in a very much disheveled condition, “what on earth has happened to you? Your sleeve is almost entirely torn from your coat, and you really look as if you had been dropped out of an airplane.”

“Yes, Mrs. Pedagog,” said the Idiot, wearily, “I feel that way. I started in to do my Christmas Shopping early yesterday, and what you now behold is the dreadful result. I went into Jimson and Slithers’ Department Store to clean up my Christmas list, and, seeing a rather attractive bargain table off at one end of the middle aisle, in the innocence of my young heart, I tried to get to it. It contained a lot of mighty nice, useful presents that one could give to his friends and relatives and at the same time look his creditors in the face—pretty little cakes of pink soap made of rose leaves for five cents for three; lacquered boxes of hairpins at seven cents apiece; silver-handled toothpicks at two for five; French-gilt hatpins, with plate-glass amethysts and real glue emeralds set in their heads for ten cents a pair, and so on. Seen from the floor above, from which I looked down upon that busy hive, that bargain table was quite the most attractive thing you ever saw. It fairly glittered with temptation, and I went to it; or at least I tried to go to it. I had been so attracted by the giddy lure of the objects upon that table that I failed to notice the maelstrom of humanity that was whirling about it—or perhaps I would better say the fe-maelstrom of humanity that was eddying about its boundaries, for it was made up wholly of women, as I discovered to my sorrow a moment later when, caught in the swirl, I was tossed to and fro, whirled, pirouetted, revolved, twisted, turned, and generally whizzed about, like a cork on the surface of the Niagara whirlpool. What with the women trying to get to the table, and the women trying to get away from the table, and the women trying to get around the table, I haven’t seen anything to beat it since the day I started to take a stroll one afternoon out in Kansas, and was picked up by a cyclone and landed down by the Alamo in San Antonio ten minutes later.”

“You ought to have known better than to try to get through such a crowd as that these days,” said the Doctor. “How are your ribs—”

“Know better?” retorted the Idiot. “How was I to know any better? There the thing was ready to do business, and nothing but a lot of tired-looking women about it. It looked easy enough, but after I had managed to get in as far as the second layer from the outside I discovered that it wasn’t; and then I struggled to get out, but you might as well struggle to get away from the tentacles of an octopus as to try to get out of a place like that without knowing how. I was caught just as surely as a fox with his foot in a trap, and the harder I struggled to get out the nearer I was carried in toward the table itself. It required all my strategy to navigate my face away from the multitude of hatpins that surged about me on all sides. Twice I thought my nose was going to be served en brochette. Thrice did the penetrating points of those deadly pins pierce my coat and puncture the face of my watch. Three cigars I carried in my vest pocket were shredded into food for moths, and I give you my word that to keep from being smothered to death by ostrich feathers I bit off the tops of at least fifteen hats that were from time to time thrust in my face by that writhing mass of feminine loveliness. How many aigrettes I inhaled, and the number of artificial roses I swallowed, in my efforts to breathe and bite my way to freedom I shall never know, but I can tell you right now, I never want to eat another aigrette so long as I shall live, and I wouldn’t swallow one more canvas-backed tea rose if I were starving. At one time I counted eight ladies standing on my feet instead of on their own; and while I lost all eight buttons off my vest, and six from various parts of my coat, when I got home last night I found enough gilt buttons, crocheted buttons, bone buttons, filigree buttons, and other assorted feminine buttons, inside my pockets to fill an innovation trunk. And talk about massages! I was rubbed this way, and scourged that way, and jack-planed the other way, until I began to fear I was about to be erased altogether. The back breadth of my overcoat was worn completely through, and the tails of my cutaway thereupon coming to the surface were transformed into a flowing fringe that made me look like the walking advertisement of a tassel factory. My watch chain caught upon the belt buckle of an amazon in front of me, and the last I saw of it was trailing along behind her over on the other side of that whirling mass far beyond my reach. My strength was oozing, and my breath was coming in pants short enough to be worn by a bow-legged four-year-old pickaninny, when, making a last final herculean effort to get myself out of that surging eruption, I was suddenly ejected from it, like Jonah from the jaws of the whale, but alas, under the bargain table itself, instead of on the outside, toward which I had fondly hoped I was moving.”

“Great Heavens!” said the Poet. “What an experience. And you had to go through it all over again to escape finally?”

“Not on your life,” said the Idiot. “I’d had enough. I just folded my shredded overcoat up into a pillow, and lay down and went to sleep there until the time came to close the shop for the night, when I sneaked out, filled my pockets full of soap, clothespins, and other knickknacks, and left a dollar bill on the floor to pay for them. They didn’t deserve the dollar, considering the damage I had sustained, but for the sake of my poor but honest parents I felt that I ought to leave something in the way of ready money behind me to pay for the loot.”

“It’s a wonder you weren’t arrested for shoplifting,” said Mr. Brief.

“They couldn’t have proved anything on me,” said the Idiot, “even if they had thought of it. I had a perfectly good defense, anyhow.”

“What was that?” asked the Lawyer.

“Temporary insanity,” said the Idiot. “After my experience yesterday afternoon I am convinced that no jury in the world would hold that a man was in his right mind who, with no compelling reasons save generosity to stir him to do so, plunged into a maelstrom of that sort. It would be a clear case of either attempted suicide or mental aberration. Of course, if I had been dressed for it in a suit of armor, and had been armed with a battle-axe, or a long, sharp-pointed spear, it might have looked like a case of highway robbery; but no male human being in his right mind is going to subject himself to the hazards to life, limb, eye, ear, and happiness, that I risked when I entered that crowd for the sole purpose of getting away unobserved with a package of nickel-plated hairpins, worth four cents and selling at seven, and a couple of hand-painted fly swatters worth ten cents a gross.”

The Landlady laughed a long, loud, silvery laugh, with just a little touch of derision in it.

“O you men, you men!” she ejaculated. “You call yourselves the stronger sex, and plume yourselves on your superior physical endurance, and yet when it comes to a test, where are you?”

“Under the table, Madame, under the table,” sighed the Idiot. “I for one frankly admit the soft impeachment.”

“Yes,” said the Landlady, “but I’ll warrant you never found a woman under the table. We women, weak and defenseless though we be, go through that sort of thing day after day from youth to age, and we never even think of complaining, much less giving up the fight the way you did. Once a woman gets her eye on a bargain, my dear Mr. Idiot, and really wants it, it would take a hundred and fifty maelstroms such as you have described to keep her from getting it.”

“I don’t doubt it,” said the Idiot, “but you see, my dear Mrs. Pedagog,” he added, “you women are brought up to that sort of thing. You are trained from infancy to tackle just such problems, while we poor men have no such advantages. The only practice in domestic roughhousing that we men ever get in our youth is possibly a season on the football team, or in those pleasing little games of childhood like snap-the-whip, and mumbledypeg where we have to dig pegs out of the ground with our noses. Later in life, perhaps, there will come a war to teach us how to assault an entrenched enemy, and occasionally, perhaps around election time, we may find ourselves mixed up in some kind of a free fight on the streets, but all of these things are as child’s play compared to an assault upon a bargain table by one who has never practiced the necessary maneuvers. To begin with we are absolutely unarmed.”

“Unarmed?” echoed the Landlady. “What would you carry, a Gatling gun?”

“Well, I never thought of that,” said the Idiot, “but if I ever tackle the proposition again, which, believe me, is very doubtful, I’ll bear the suggestion in mind. It sounds good. If I’d had a forty-two centimeter machine-gun along with me yesterday afternoon I might have stood a better chance.”

“O you know perfectly well what I mean,” said Mrs. Pedagog. “You implied that women are armed when they go shopping, while men are not.”

“Well, aren’t they?” asked the Idiot. “Every blessed daughter of Eve in that melee yesterday was armed, one might almost say, to the teeth. There wasn’t one in the whole ninety-seven thousand of them that didn’t have at least two hatpins thrust through the middle of her head with their sharp-pointed ends sticking out an inch and a half beyond her dear little ears; and every time a head was turned in any direction blood was shed automatically. All I had was the stiff rim of my derby hat, and even that fell off inside of three minutes, and I haven’t seen hide nor hair of it since. Then what the hatpins failed to move out of their path other pins variously and strategically placed would tackle; and as for auxiliary weapons, what with sharp-edged jet and metal buttons sprouting from one end of the feminine form to the other, up the front, down the back, across the shoulders, along the hips, executing flank movements right and left, and diagonally athwart every available inch of superficial area elsewhere, aided and abetted by silver and steel-beaded handbags and featherweight umbrellas for purposes of assault, I tell you every blessed damozel of the lot was a walking arsenal of destruction. All one of those women had to do was to whizz around three times like a dervish, poke her head either to the right or to the left, and gain three yards, while I might twist around like a pinwheel, or an electric fan, and get nothing for my pains save a skewered nose, or a poke in the back that suggested the presence of a member of the Black Hand Society. In addition to all this I fear I have sustained internal injuries of serious import. My teeth are intact, save for two feathers that are so deeply imbedded at the back of my wisdom teeth that I fear I shall have to have them pulled, but every time I breathe one of my ribs behaves as if in some way it had got itself tangled up with my left shoulder blade. Why, the pressure upon me at one time was so great that I began to feel like a rosebud placed inside the family Bible by an old maid whose lover has evaporated, to be pressed and preserved there until his return. This little pancake that is about to fulfill its destiny as a messenger from a cold and heartless outside world to my inner man, is a rotund, bulgent, balloon-shaped bit of puffed-up convex protuberance compared to the way I felt after that whirl of femininity had put me through the clothes-wringer. I was as flat as a joke of Caesar’s after its four thousandth semiannual appearance in London Punch, and in respect to thickness I was pressed so thin that you could have rolled me around your umbrella, and still been able to get the cover on.”

“You never were very deep, anyhow,” suggested the Bibliomaniac.

“Whence the wonder of it grows,” said the Idiot. “Normally I am fathomless compared to the thin, waferlike quality of my improfundity as I flickered to the floor after that dreadful pressure was removed.”

“How about women getting crushed?” demanded the Landlady defiantly. “If a poor miserable little wisp of a woman can go through that sort of thing, I don’t see why a big, brawny man like you can’t.”

“Because, as I have already said,” said the Idiot, “I wasn’t dressed for it. My clothes aren’t divided up into airtight compartments, rendering me practically unsinkable within, nor have I any steel-constructed garments covering my manly form to resist the pressure.”

“And have women?” asked Mrs. Pedagog.

The Idiot blushed.

“How should I know, my dear Mrs. Pedagog?” replied the Idiot. “I’m no authority on the subtle mysteries of feminine raiment, but from what I see in the shop windows, and in the advertising pages of the magazines, I should say that the modern woman could go through a courtship with a grizzly bear and come out absolutely undented. As I pass along the highways these days, and glance into the shop windows, mine eyes are constantly confronted by all sorts of feminine under-tackle, which in the days of our grandmothers were regarded as strictly confidential. I see steel-riveted contraptions, marked down from a dollar fifty-seven to ninety-eight cents, which have all the lithe, lissom grace of a Helen of Troy, the which I am led to infer the women of today purchase and insert themselves into, gaining thereby not only a marvelous symmetry of figure hitherto unknown to them, but that same security against the bufferings of a rude outside world as well, which a gilt-edged bond must feel when it finds itself locked up behind the armor-plated walls of a Safe Deposit Company. Except that these armorial undergarments are decorated with baby-blue ribbons, and sporadic, not to say spasmodic, doodads in filmy laces and chiffon, they differ in no respect from those wonderful combinations of slats, chest-protectors, and liver pads which our most accomplished football players wear at the emergent moments of their intellectual development at college. In point of fact, without really knowing anything about it, I venture the assertion that the woman of today wearing this steel-lined chiffon figure, and armed with seventy or eighty different kinds of pins from plain hat to safety, which protrude from various unexpected parts of her anatomy at the psychological moment, plus the devastating supply of buttons always available for moments of aggressive action, is the most powerfully and efficiently developed engine of war the world has yet produced. She is not only protected by her unyielding figure from the onslaughts of the enemy, but she fairly bristles as well with unsuspected weapons of offense against which anything short of a herd of elephants on stampede would be powerless. Your modern Amazon is an absolutely irrefragable, irresistible creature, and it makes me shudder to think of what is going to happen when this war of the sexes, now in its infancy, really gets going, and we defenseless men have nothing but a few regiments of artillery, and a division or two of infantry and cavalry standing between us and an advancing column of super-insulated shoppers, using their handbags as clubs, their hatpins glistening wickedly in the morning light, as they tango onward to the fray. When that day comes, frankly, I shall turn and run. I had my foretaste of that coming warfare in my pursuit of Christmas gifts yesterday afternoon, and my motto henceforth and forever is Never Again!”

“Then I suppose we need none of us expect to be remembered by you this Christmas,” said the Doctor. “Alas, and alas! I shall miss the generous bounty which led you last year to present me with a cold waffle on Christmas morn.”

“On the contrary, Doctor,” said the Idiot. “Profiting from my experience of yesterday I am going to start in on an entirely new system of Christmas giving. No more boughten articles for me—my presents will be fashioned by loving hands without thought of dross. You and all the rest of my friends at this board are to be remembered as usual. For the Bibliomaniac I have a little surprise in store in the shape of a copy of the Congressional Record for December 7th which I picked up on a street car last Friday morning. It is an absolutely first edition, in the original wrappers, and will make a fine addition to his collection of Americana. For Mr. Brief I have a copy of the New York Telephone Book for 1906, which he will find full of most excellent addresses. For my dear friend, the Poet, I have set aside a charming collection of rejection slips from his friends the editors; and for you, Doctor, as an affectionate memento of my regard, I have prepared a little mixture of all the various medicines you have prescribed for me during the past five years, none of which I have ever taken, to the vast betterment of my health. These, consisting of squills, cod-liver oil, ipecac, quinine, iron tonic, soothing syrup, spirits of ammonia, horse liniment, himalaya bitters, and calomel, I have mixed together in one glorious concoction, which I shall bottle with my own hands in an old carboy I found up in the attic, on the side of which I have etched the words, When You Drink It Think of Me!”

“Thanks, awfully,” said the Doctor. “I am sure a mixture of that sort could remind me of no one else.”

“And, finally, for our dear Landlady,” said the Idiot, smiling gallantly on Mrs. Pedagog, “I have the greatest surprise of all.”

“I’ll bet you a dollar I know what it is,” said the Doctor.

“I’ll take you,” said the Idiot.

“You’re going to pay your bill!” roared the Doctor.

“There’s your dollar,” said the Idiot, tossing a silver cartwheel across the table. “Better hand it right over to Mrs. Pedagog on account, yourself.”

IV

AS TO THE INCOME TAX

“Well, Mr. Bib,” said the Idiot cheerfully, as he speared a lonely prune and put it out of its misery, “have you made your return to the income tax collector yet?”

“I both rejoice and regret to say that my income is not large enough to come under the provisions of the act,” said the Bibliomaniac, “and consequently I haven’t bothered my head about it.”

“Then you’d better get busy and send in a statement of your receipts up to January first, or you’ll find Uncle Sam after you with a hot stick. For the sake of the fair name of our beloved home here, sir, don’t delay. I’d hate to see a federal patrol wagon rolling up to our door for the purpose of taking you to jail.”

“But I am exempt,” protested the Bibliomaniac. “I don’t come within a thousand dollars of the minimum.”

“That may be all true enough,” said the Idiot. “You know that, and I know that, but Uncle Sam doesn’t know it, and you’ve got to satisfy him that you are not a plutocrat trying to pass yourself off as a member of one of those respectable middle-class financial families in which this land is so pleasingly rich. You’ve got to lay a statement of your financial condition before the government whether your income is ninety-seven cents a minute or forty-seven thousand dollars an hour. Nobody is exempt from that nuisance. As I understand it, the government requires every man, woman, and child to go to confession, and own up to just how little or how much he or she hasn’t got. All men stand equal in the eyes of the law when it comes to the showdown. There is no discrimination in favor of the rich in this business, and the inconvenience of having a minion of authority prying into your private affairs is as much a privilege of yours as it is of Uncle John’s, or good old Brother Scramble, the Egg King. Uncle Sam is going to put his eye on every man-jack of us and find out whether we are any good or not, and if so, for how much. He will have sleuths everywhere about to estimate the cubic financial contents of your trousers’ pockets, and whether you keep your money in a bank, in a trust company, in a cigar box, your sock, or your wife’s name, he is going right after it, and he’ll get his share or know the reason why. There isn’t a solitary nickel circulating in this land today that can hope to escape the eagle eye of the Secretary of the Treasury and his financial ferrets.”

“You surprise me,” said the Bibliomaniac. “If what you say is true, it is a perfect outrage. You don’t really mean to tell me that I have got to give a statement of my receipts to some snoopy-nosed old government official, do you?”

“Even so,” said the Idiot, “or at least that is the way I understand it. You’ve not only got to tell how much you’ve got, but you must also disclose the sources of your revenue. If you found a cent on the corner of Main Street and Desdemona Alley on the fifteenth day of December, 1916, thereby adding that much to your annual receipts, you have got to enter it in your statement, and so clearly that the authorities will understand just how, when, and where it came into your possession, all under oath; and you are not allowed to deduct your current living expenses from it, either. If in stooping over to pick up that cent you busted your suspenders, and had to go and pay fifty cents for a new pair, thereby losing forty-nine cents on the transaction, you aren’t allowed to make any deductions on that account. That cent is ‘Net’—not ‘Nit’, but ‘Net.’ Same way if in a crowded car you put your hand into what you presumed to be your own pocket, and pulled out unexpectedly a roll of twenty dollar bills amounting to two hundred dollars in all, and then in an absent-minded moment got away with it before you realized that it belonged to the man standing next to you, you’d have to put it down on your statement just the same as all the rest of the items, under penalty of prosecution for concealing sources of revenue from the officers of the law. Oh, it’s a fine mess we smart Alexanders of the hour have got ourselves into in our effort to establish a pipe line between the plutocratic pocketbook and the United States Treasury. We all hypnotized ourselves into the pleasing belief that the income tax was going to be a jolly little club with which to hit old Brother Plute on the head, and make him fork over, while we Nixicrats sat on the fence and grinned. It was going to be great fun watching the Plutes disgorge, and we all had a notion that life was going to be just one exgurgitating moving picture after another, with us sitting in front row seats gloating over the Sorrows of Croesus and his coughing coffers. But, alas for our dreams of joy, it hasn’t worked out quite that way. The vexation of the blooming thing is visited upon every one of us. Them as has has got to pay. Them as hasn’t has got to prove that they don’t have to pay, and I tell you right now, Mr. Bib, it is going to be a terrific proposition for a lot of chaps in this land of ours who are skinning along on nothing a year, but making a noise like a ten-thousand-dollar proposition.”

“I fear me their name is legion,” said the Bibliomaniac.

“I know one named Smythe,” said the Idiot. “If a painter were looking around for a model for Ready Money in an allegorical picture Smythe would fill the bill to perfection. You ought to see him. He walks about the streets of this town giving everybody he meets a fifteen-thousand per annum look when, as a matter of fact, he hasn’t got ten cents to his name. If he was invited to a submarine masquerade all he’d have to do would be to swallow a glass of water and go as a sponge. He makes about as big a splurge on a deficit as you or I could make if our salaries were raised nine hundred ten percent, and then some. As a weekender he is in the A 1 class. He hasn’t paid for a Sunday dinner in five years, nor has he paid for anything else in earned cash for three. His only sources of revenue are his friends, the pawnshops, and his proficiency at bridge and poker. His only hope for staving off eventual disaster is the possibility of hanging on by his eyelids until he dawns as the last forlorn hope on the horizon of some freckle-faced, red-haired old maid, with nine millions in her own right. He owes every tailor, hatter, and haberdasher in town. When he needs twenty-five dollars he buys a fifty-dollar overcoat, has it charged, and takes it around the corner and pawns it, and ekes out the deficiency with a jackpot or a grand slam, in the manipulation of both of which he is what Socrates used to call a cracker-jack. If you ever saw him walking on the avenue, or entering a swagger restaurant anywhere, you’d stop and say to yourself, ‘By George! That must be Mr. Idle Rich, of whom I have heard so much lately. Gosh! I wonder how it feels to be him!’”

“Him?” sniffed the Bibliomaniac, always a stickler for purity of speech.

“Sure thing!” said the Idiot. “You don’t stop to think of grammar when you are dazzled by that spectacle. You just give way, right off, to your natural, unrestrained, primitive instincts, and speak English in exactly the same way that the caveman spoke his tongue in those glorious days before grammar came along to curse education with its artificial restraints upon ease of expression. ‘Gosh! I wonder how it feels to be him’, is what you’d say as old Empty Wallet passed you by disguised as the Horn of Plenty, and all day long your mind would continue to advert to him and the carefree existence you’d think to look at him he was leading; and you, with a four-dollar bill within your reach every Saturday night, would find yourself positively envying him his wealth, when, as a matter of fact, he hasn’t seen a single red cent he could properly call his own for ten years.”

“Oh, well—what of it?” said the Bibliomaniac. “Of course, there are sponges and snobs in the world. What are they to us?”

“Why, nothing,” said the Idiot, “only I wonder what Smythe and his kind are going to do when the income tax collector comes along and asks for his little two percent of all this showy exterior. It will be a terribly humiliating piece of business to confess that all this ostentatious show of prosperity is nothing but an empty shell, and that way down inside he is only an eighteen-karat, copper-fastened, steel-riveted bluff; fact is, he’ll have the dickens of a time making the tax collectors believe it, and then he’ll be face to face with a federal indictment for trying to dodge his taxes. And that business of dodging—that brings up another phase of this income tax that I don’t believe many of us realized when we were shouting for it as a means of shackling Mr. Plute. Did you ever realize that it won’t be very long before the government, in order to get this income tax fixed right, will have a lot of inspectors who will be delegated to do for you and me, and all the rest of us, what the Custom House inspectors now do for travelers returning from abroad? Every man and woman traveling upon the seas of life, Mr. Bib, will be required to enter the port of taxation and there submit a declaration of the contents of their boxes to the tax inspectors, which will be followed, as in the case of the traveler from abroad, by a complete overhauling of their effects by those same inspectors. The tessellated pave of your safe deposit companies and banks will look like the floor of an ocean steamship pier on the arrival of a big liner, only instead of being snowed under by a mass of shirts, trousers, Paris-made revelations in chiffons, silks, and brocades, necklaces, tiaras, pearl ropes, snipped aigrettes, and snowy drifts of indescribable, but in these free days no longer unmentionable, lingerie, it will be piled high with steel bonds, New Haven deferred dividends, sinking fund debenture certificates, government five eighths percent bonds, certificates of deposit, miscellaneous stocks, mining, industrial, railway, gilt-edged and wildcat, in one red unburial blent; while the poor owner, fearful lest in the excitement of the ordeal he may have neglected to mention some insignificant item of a million or two in Standard Oil, will sit by and sweat as the inspector tears his ruthless way through his accumulated stores for wealth.”

“It will be almost enough to make a man sorry he’s rich,” said the Doctor.

“Oh, no,” said the Idiot, “for the rest of us will be in the same pickle, only in a more humiliating position as the intruder reveals that the sum total of out lifetime of endeavor consists chiefly in unpaid bills labeled Please Remit. The Custom House inspectors are harder on the man with nothing to declare than they are on those whose boxes are full. They slam their things all over creation, and insult the owner with the same abandon with which they greet a recognized past-mistress in the arts of smuggling. Innocence is no protection when a Custom House inspector gets after you, and it will be the same way with the new kind. None of us can hope to escape. The income tax inspectors will come here just as eagerly as they will go to that palatial mausoleum in which Mr. Rockernegie dwells on the corner of Bond Avenue and Easy Street, and they’ll rummage through our trunks, boxes, and bureaus in search of such interest-bearing securities as they may suspect us of trying to get by with. Mr. Bib will have to dump his bureau drawer full of red neckties out on the floor to prove to Uncle Sam’s satisfaction that he hasn’t got a fourteen-million-dollar bond issue concealed somewhere behind their lurid glow. The Doctor will have to sit patiently by and unprotestingly watch the inspectors going through the pockets of his unrivaled collection of fancy waist-coats in a heart-breaking quest for undeclared interests in mining enterprises and popular cemeteries. Trunks, chests, hatboxes, soapboxes, pillboxes, safety razor boxes—in fact, all kinds of receptacles in this house, from Mrs. Pedagog’s ice chest to Mr. Whitechoker’s barrel of sermons—will be compelled to disgorge their uttermost content in order to satisfy the government sleuths that we who dwell in this Palace of Truth, Joy, and Waffles, have not a controlling interest in Standard Oil hidden away lest we be compelled to pay our due to the treasury.”

“You don’t mean to say that the law so provides, do you?” said the Bibliomaniac.

“Not yet,” said the Idiot, “but it will—it’s bound to come. In the very nature of the beast it is inevitable. There never was a tax yet that found a warm spot awaiting it in the hearts of its countrymen. The human mind with all its diabolical ingenuity has never yet been able to devise a tax that somebody somewhere—nay, that most people everywhere—did not try to dodge, and to catch the dodgers the government is compelled to view everybody with suspicion, and treat hoi polloi from top to bottom as if they were nothing more nor less than a lot of unregenerate pickpockets, horse-thieves, and past masters in the gentle art of mendacity.”

“Frightful!” said Mr. Whitechoker. “And is not a man’s word to be taken as a guarantee of the accuracy of his return?”

“Not so’s anybody would notice it,” grinned the Idiot. “When the government finds it necessary to nab leaders of fashionable society for trying to smuggle in one-hundred-thousand-dollar pearl necklaces by sewing them up in the lining of their hats, and to fine the most eminently respectable citizens in the country as much as five thousand dollars for returning from abroad portly with five or six-hundred yards of undeclared lace wound inadvertently about their stomachs, having in the excitement of their homecoming put it on in the place of the little flannel bands they have worn to ward off cholera and other pleasing foreign maladies, it loses some of its confidence in human nature, and acquires some of that penetrating inquisitiveness of mind which is said to be characteristic of the native of Missouri. It wants to be shown, and if the income tax remains in force, we might as well make up our minds that the inquisitorial inspector will soon be added to the official pay roll of the United States of America.”

“But,” protested the Bibliomaniac, “that will be a plain common-garden espionage of so intolerable a nature that no self-respecting free people will submit to it. It will be an abominable intrusion upon our rights of privacy.”

The Idiot laughed long and loud.

“It seems to me,” said he, after a moment, “that when Colonel John W. Midas, of the International Hickory Nut Trust, advanced that same objection against the proposed tax a year or so ago, Mr. Bib, you sat in that very same chair where you are now and vociferously announced that there was nothing in it.”

“Oh, but that’s different,” said the Bibliomaniac. “Midas is a rich man, and I am not.”

“Well, I suppose there is a difference between a prune and a Canadian melon, old man, but after all, they’re both fruit, and when it comes to being squeezed, I guess it hurts a lemon just as much as it does a lime. I, for one, however, do not fear the inspector. My securities are exempt, for they all pay their tax at the source.”

“What are they, coupon bonds?” grinned the Lawyer.

“No,” said the Idiot; “pawn tickets, interest on which is always paid in advance.”

V

A PSYCHIC VENTURE

“I beg your pardon, Doctor,” said the Idiot, as he laid aside his morning paper and glanced over the gastronomic delights spread upon the breakfast table at Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog’s high-class home for single gentlemen. “I don’t wish to intrude upon this moment of blissful intercourse which you are enjoying with your allotment of stock in the Waffle Trust, but do you happen to have any A No. 1 eighteen-karat psychrobes among your patients that you could introduce me to? I need one in my business.”

“Sike whats?” queried the Doctor, pausing in the act of lifting a sizable section of the eight of diamonds done in batter to his lips.

“Psychrobes,” said the Idiot. “You know what I mean—a clairvoyant, a medium, a sike—somebody in the spiritual inter-State commerce business, who knows his or her job right down to the ground and back again.”

“H’m! Why—yes, I know one or two mediums,” said the Doctor.

“Strictly up-to-date and reliable?” said the Idiot. “Ready to trot in double harness?”

“Oh, as to their reliability as mediums I can’t testify,” said the Doctor. “You never can tell about those people, but I will say that in all respects other than their psychic indulgences I have always found those I know wholly reliable.”

“You mean they wouldn’t take a watch off a bureau when the owner wasn’t looking, or beat a suffering corporation out of a nickel if they had a chance?” said the Idiot.

“That’s it,” said the Doctor. “But, as I say, you never can tell. A man may be the soul of honor in respect to paying his board bill, and absolutely truthful in statements of the everyday facts of life, and yet when he goes off, er—when he goes off—”

“Psychling,” suggested the Idiot. “Bully good title for a story that—‘Psychling with a Psychrobe’—eh? What?”

“Fair,” said the Doctor. “But what I was going to say was that when he goes off psychling, as you put it, he may, or may not, be quite so reliable. So if I were to endorse any one of my several clairvoyant patients for you, it would have to be as patients, and not as psychlists.”

“That’s all right,” said the Idiot. “That’s all I really want. If I can be sure that a medium is a person of correct habits in all other respects, I’ll take my chances on his reliability as a transient.”

“As a transient?” repeated the Bibliomaniac.

“Yes,” said the Idiot. “A person in a state of trance.”

“What has awakened this sudden interest of yours in things psychic?” asked the Doctor. “Are you afraid that your position as a dispenser of pure idiocy is threatened by the recorded utterances of great thinkers now passed into the shadowy vales, as presented to us by the mediums?”

“Not at all,” said the Idiot. “Fact is, I do not consider their utterances as idiotic. Take that recent report of the lady who got into communication with the spirit of Napoleon Bonaparte, and couldn’t get anything out of him but a regretful allusion to Panama hats and pink pajamas, for instance. Everybody thought it was very foolish, but I didn’t. To me it was merely a sad intimation of the particular kind of climate the great Corsican had got for his in the hereafter. He needed his summer clothes, and couldn’t for the moment think of anything else. I should have been vastly more surprised if he had called for a pair of ear-tabs and a fur overcoat.”

“And do you really believe, also for instance,” put in the Bibliomaniac scornfully, “that with so many big questions before the public today Thomas Jefferson would get off such drivel as has been attributed to him by these people, having a chance to send a real message to his countrymen?”

“I’ve only seen one message from Jefferson,” said the Idiot, “and it seemed to me most appropriate. It was received by a chap up in Schenectady, and all the old man said was ‘Whizz—whizz—whizz, buzz—buzz—buzz, whizz—whizz—whizz!’ Lots of people considered it drivel, but to me it was fraught with much sad significance.”

“Well, if you can translate it, it’s more than I can,” said the Bibliomaniac. “The idea that the greatest political thinker of the ages could stoop to unmeaning stuff of that sort is to me preposterous.”

“Not at all,” said the Idiot. “You have not the understanding mind. Those monosyllabic explosions were merely an expression of the rapidity with which poor old Jefferson was turning over in his grave as he realized to what uses modern statesmen of all shades of political belief were putting his name. It must be a tough proposition for a simple old Democrat like Jefferson to find his memory harnessed up to every bit of entomological economic thought now issuing from the political asylums of his native land.”

“Pouf!” said the Bibliomaniac. “You are a reactionary, Sir.”

“Youbetcha,” said the Idiot. “First principles first, say I. But to come back to clairvoyants. I am very anxious to get hold of a medium, Doctor, and the sooner the better. I’m going to give up Wall Street. I can’t afford to stay there any longer unless I move out of this restful paradise of food and thought and take up my abode in a Mills Hotel, or charter a bench in the park from the city. The only business we had in our office last week was a game of poker between the firm and its employees, and the firm tided itself over the emergency by winning my salary for the next six weeks. Another week of such activity would prostrate me financially, and I am going to open a literary bureau to deal in posthumous literature.”

“Posthumous literature is the curse of letters,” said the Bibliomaniac. “It generally means the publication of the rejected, or personally discarded, manuscripts of a dead author, which results in the serious impairment of the quality of his laurels. It ought to be made a misdemeanor to print the stuff.”

“I agree with you entirely as to that, Mr. Bib,” said the Idiot. “This business of emptying the pigeonholes of deceased scribes, and printing every last scrap of scribbling to be found there, whether they intended it to be printed or not, is reprehensible, and I for one would gladly advocate a law requiring executors of a literary estate to burn all unpublished manuscripts found among the decedent’s papers merely as a matter of protection to a great name. But it isn’t that kind of posthumous production that I am going in for. It’s the production posthumously produced that I am after, and I need a first-class medium as a side partner to get hold of the stuff for me.”

“Preposterous!” sniffed the Bibliomaniac.

“Sounds that way, Mr. Bib,” said the Idiot, “but, all the same, here’s a lady over in England has recently published a book of short stories by the late Frank R. Stockton, which his genial spirit has transmitted to the world through her. Now, if this thing can be done by Stockton, I don’t see why it can’t be done by Milton, Shakespeare, Moses, and others, and if I can only get hold of a real Psyche I’m going to get up a posthumous literary trust that will stagger humanity.”

“I guess it will!” laughed the Doctor.

“Yes, sir,” said the Idiot enthusiastically. “The first thing I shall do will be to send the lady after Charles Dickens and good old Thackeray, and apply for the terrestrial rights to all their literary subsequences, and, as a publisher really ought to do, I shall not content myself with just taking what they write of their own accord, but I’ll supply them with subject matter. My posthumous literary trust will have a definite policy.

“Can’t you gentlemen imagine, for instance, what those two men could do with little old New York as it is today? What glorious results would come from turning Dickens loose on the underworld, and setting Thackeray’s pen to work on the hupper sukkles of polite s’ciety! If there ever was a time when the reading public were ripe for another ‘Oliver Twist’ or another ‘Vanity Fair’, that time is now, and I can hardly sleep nights for thinking about it.”

“I don’t see it at all,” said the Bibliomaniac. “‘Oliver Twist’ is quite perfect as it is.”

“No doubt,” retorted the Idiot, “but it isn’t up-to-date, Mr. Bib. For example, think of a scene described by Dickens in which Fagin, now become a sort of man higher up, or at least one of his agents, takes little Oliver out into a Bowery back yard and makes a proficient gunman out of the kid, compelling him to practice in the flickering glare of an electric light at shooting tailor’s dummies on a rapidly moving platform, with a .42-caliber six-shooter, until the lad becomes so expert that he can hit nineteen out of twenty as they pass, missing the twentieth only by a hair’s breadth because it represents a man Fagin wants to scare and not kill.

“Or think of how Thackeray would take hold of this tango tangle and expose the cubic contents of that Cubist crowd, and handle the exquisite dullness of the smart set, not with the glib brilliance of the man on the outside, who novelizes what he reads in the papers, but with the sounder satire of the man who knows from personal observation what he is writing about! Great heavens—the idea makes my mouth water!”

“That might be worth while,” confessed the Bibliomaniac. “But how are you going to get the facts over to Dickens and Thackeray?”

“I shall not need to,” said the Idiot. “All they’ll have to do will be to project themselves in spirit over here into the very midst of the scenes to be described. As spirits they will have the entrée into any old kind of society they wish to investigate, and in that respect they will have the advantage over us poor mortals who can’t go anywhere without having to take our confounded old bodies along with us. Then after I had arranged matters with Dickens and Thackeray, I’d send my psychic representative after Alexander Dumas, and get him to write a sequel to ‘The Three Musketeers’, and ‘Twenty Years After’, which I should call ‘Two Hundred and Ninety Years After, a Romance of 1916’, in which D’Artagnan, Athos, Porthos, and Aramis should return to modern times and try their hands on trench work, introducing the airplane, the submarine, and all the other appurtenances of war, from the militant brick to the dynamite bomb. Why, a good, rip-staving old Dumas tale of adventure of today, with those old heroes of his mixed up with the Militant Suffragettes and the Crown Prince of Germany, would be what old Doctor Johnson would have called a cracker-jack, if he had had the slightest conception of the possibilities of the English language.”

“Wouldn’t interest me in the least,” said the Bibliomaniac coldly, “If there is anything under the canopy that I despise it is so-called romance. Now, if you could get hold of some of the solider things, such, for instance, as Macaulay might write, or”—

“Ah!” said the Idiot, triumphantly, “it is there that my scheme would work out most beneficently. My special articles on historic events by personal participators would thrill the world.

“From Adam I would secure the first and only authentic account of the Fall, with possibly an expression of his opinion as to the validity of the Darwinian theory. From Noah, aided and abetted by Shem, Ham, and Japhet, would come a series of sea stories narrating in thrilling style the story of The Flood, or How We Landed the Zoo on Ararat. A line or two from Balaam’s Ass on the subject of modern Socialism would fill the reading world with wonder. A series of papers specially prepared for a woman’s magazine by Henry VIII. on ‘Wild Wives I Have Wedded’, edited, possibly, with copious footnotes by Brigham Young, would bring fortune to the pockets of the publishers.

“And then the poets—ah, Mr. Bib, what treasures of poesy would this plan of mine not bring within our reach! Dante could write a new ‘Inferno’ introducing a new torture in the form of Satan compelling a Member of Congress to explain the Tariff bill. Homer could sing the sufferings and triumphs of arctic exploration in a new epic entitled ‘The Chilliad’, or possibly expend his genius upon the story of the rise and fall of Bryan in immortal periods under the title of ‘The Billiad’”—

“Or describe your progressive idiocy under the title of ‘The Silliad!’” put in the Bibliomaniac.

“Ubetcha!” cried the Idiot. “Or tell the sad tale of your life under the title of ‘The Seniliad.’ And in addition to these wonders, who can estimate to what extent we should all profit were our more serious reviews to secure articles from Washington, Hamilton, Jefferson, and old Ben Franklin on the present state of the nation! Why, an article dictated offhand by the shade of Lincoln on the thousands who are now flattering themselves that they occupy his shoes, illustrated with those apt anecdotes of which he was a master, and pointed with his gloriously dry humor, under the title of ‘Later Links’, would alone make the venture worth while, even if nothing else came of it.”

“Oh, well,” said the Bibliomaniac, rising, “perhaps there is something in the idea after all, and I wish you success, Mr. Idiot—and, by the way, if the scheme works out as you expect it to, and you happen to come across old AEsculapius, ask him for me for an authoritative statement of the origin and proper treatment of idiocy, will you?”

“Sure,” said the Idiot, turning to his breakfast, “but it really isn’t necessary to do that, Mr. Bib. Our good old friend, the Doctor here, is quite capable of curing you at any time you consent to put yourself unreservedly in his hands.”

VI

ON MEDICAL CONSERVATION

“I see by the paper this morning,” said the Idiot, as he put three lumps of sugar into his pocket and absent-mindedly dropped his eyeglasses into his coffee, “that, thanks to the industry of our Medical Schools and Colleges, the world is richer by thirty thousand new doctors today than it was yesterday. How does the law of supply and demand work in cases of that kind, Doctor Squills?”

“Badly—very badly, indeed,” said the Doctor, with a gloomy shake of his head. “The profession is sadly overcrowded, and mighty few of us are making more than a bare living.”

“I was afraid that was the case,” said the Idiot sympathetically. “I was talking with a prominent surgeon at the Club the other night, and he was terribly upset over the situation. He intimated that we have been ruthlessly squandering our natural internal resources almost as riotously and as blindly as our lumbermen have been destroying the natural physical resources of the country. He assured me that he himself had reached a point in his career where there was hardly a vermiform appendix left in sight, and where five years ago he was chopping down not less than four of these a day for six days of the week at a thousand dollars per, it was now a lucky time for him when he got his pruning knife off the hook once a month.”

“That vermiform appendix craze was all a fad anyhow,” said the Bibliomaniac sourly. “Like the tango, and bridge, and golf, and slumming, and all the rest of those things that Society takes up, and then drops all of a sudden like a hot stick. It looked at one time as if nobody could hope to get into society who hadn’t had his vermiform removed.”

“Well, social fad or not,” said the Idiot, “whatever it was, there is no question about it that serious inroads have been made upon what we may call our vermiforests, and unless something is done to protect them, by George, in a few years we won’t have any left except a few stuffed specimens down in the Smithsonian Institution.

“I asked my friend Doctor Cuttem why he didn’t call for a Vermiform Conservation Congress to see what can be done either to prevent this ruthless sacrifice of a product that if suitably safeguarded should supply ourselves, and our children, and our children’s children to the uttermost posterity, with ample appendicular resources for the maintenance in good style of a reasonable number of surgeons; or to re-seed scientifically where the unscientific destruction of these resources is uncontrollable. How about that, Doctor? Suppose you remove a man’s vermiform appendix—is there any system of medical, or surgical, fertilization and replanting that would cause two vermiforms to grow where only one grew before, so that sooner or later every human interior may become a sort of garden-close, where one can go and pluck a handful of vermiform appendices every morning, like so many hardy perennials in full bloom?”

“I’m afraid not,” smiled the Doctor.

“Anybody but the Idiot would know that it couldn’t be done,” said the Bibliomaniac, “because if it could be done it would have been done long ago. When you find men successfully transplanting rabbits’ tails on monkeys, and frogs’ legs on canary birds, you can make up your mind that if it were within the range of human possibility they would by this time have vermiform appendices sprouting lushly in geranium pots for insertion into the systems of persons desiring luxuries of that sort.”

“You mustn’t sneer at the achievements of modern surgery, Mr. Bib,” said the Idiot. “There is no telling how soon any one of us may need to avail himself of its benefits. Who knows—maybe a surgeon will come along someday who will be able to implant a sense of humor in you, to gladden all your days.”

“Preposterous!” snapped the Bibliomaniac.

“Well, it does seem unlikely,” said the Idiot, “but I know of a young doctor who without any previous experience planted a little heart in a frigid Suffragette; and though I know the soil is not propitious, even you may sometime be blossoming luxuriantly within with buds of cheer and sweet optimism. But however this may be, it is the unquestioned and sad fact that a once profitable industry for our surgically-inclined brothers has slumped; and they tell me that even those surgeons who have adopted modern commercial methods, and give away a set of Rudyard Kipling’s Works and a year’s subscription to the Commoner with every vermiform removed, are making less than a thousand dollars a week out of that branch of their work.”

“Mercy!” cried the Poet. “What couldn’t I do if I had a thousand dollars a week!”

“You could afford to write real poetry all the time, instead of only half the time, eh, old man?” said the Idiot affectionately. “But don’t you mind. We’re all in the same boat. I’d be an infinitely bigger idiot myself if I had half as much money as that.”

“Impossible!” said the Bibliomaniac, chuckling over his opportunity.

“Green-eyed monster!” smiled the Idiot. “But speaking of this overcrowding of the profession, it is a surprise to me, Doctor, that so many young men are taking up medicine these days, when competent observers everywhere tell us that the world is getting better all the time.

“If that is true, and the world really is getting better all the time, it is fair to assume that someday it will be entirely well, and then, let me ask you, what is to become of all the doctors? It will not be a good thing for Society ever to reach a point where it has such an army of unemployed on its hands, and especially that kind of an army, made up as it will be of highly intelligent but desperately hungry men, face to face with starvation, and yet licensed by the possession of a medical diploma to draw, and have filled, prescriptions involving the whole range of the materia medica, from Iceland moss and squills up to prussic acid and cyanide of potassium.

“It makes me shudder to think of it!” said Mr. Brief, the lawyer, with a grin at the Doctor.

“Shudder isn’t the word!” said the Idiot. “The bare idea makes my flesh creep like a Philadelphia trolley car! Coxey’s Army was bad enough, made up as it was of a poor, miserable lot of tramps and panhandlers, all so unused to labor as to be really job-shy; but in their most riotous moods the worst those poor chaps could do was to heave a few bricks or a dead cat through a millinery shop window, or perhaps bat a village magnate on the back of the head with a bed slat. There was nothing insidiously subtle about the warfare they waged upon Society.

“But suppose that, laboring under a smarting sense of similar wrongs, there should come to be such a thing as old Doctor Pepsin’s Army of Unemployed Physicians and Surgeons, marching through the country, headed for the White House in order to make an impressive public demonstration of their grievances! What a peril to the body politic that would be! Not only could the surgeons waylay the village magnates and amputate their legs, and seize hostile editors and cut off the finger with which they run their typewriting machines, and point with alarm with; but the more insidious means of upsetting the public weal by pouring calomel into our wells, putting castor oil in our reservoirs, leaving cholera germs and typhoid cultures under our door mats, or transferring a pair of jackass’s legs to the hindquarters of an old family horse, found grazing in the pasture, would transform a once smiling countryside into a scene of misery and desolation.”

“Poor, poor Dobbin!” murmured the Bibliomaniac.

“Indeed, Mr. Bib, it will be poor, poor Dobbin!” said the Idiot. “I don’t think that many people besides you and myself realize how desperately serious a menace it is that hangs over us; and I feel that one of the first acts of the Administration, after it has succeeded in putting grape juice into the Constitution as our national tipple, and constructed a solid Portland cement wall across the Vice President’s thorax to insure that promised four years of silence, should be an effort to control this terrible situation.”

“You talk as if it could be done,” said the Doctor doubtfully.

“Of course it can be done,” said the Idiot. “Doctors being engaged in Inter-State Commerce—”

“Doctors? Interstate Commerce?” cried Mr. Brief. “That’s a new one on me, Mr. Idiot. Everybody is apparently in Interstate Commerce in your opinion. Seems to me it was only the other day that you spoke of Clairvoyants being in it.”

“Sure,” said the Idiot. “And it’s the same way with the doctors. In ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, where a man passes from this state into the future state, you’ll find a doctor mixed up in it somewhere, even if it’s only as a coroner. This being so, it would be perfectly proper to refer the matter to the Interstate Commerce Commission for a solution.

“Anyhow, something ought to be done to handle the situation while the menace is in its infancy. We need the ounce of prevention. Now, my suggestion would be that the law should step in and either place a limit to the number of doctors to be turned out annually, on a basis of so many doctors to so many hundreds of population—say three doctors to every hundred people—just as in certain communities the excise law allows only one saloon for every thousand registered voters; or else, since the State permits medical schools to operate under a charter, authorizing them to manufacture physicians and surgeons ad lib., and turn them loose on the public, the State should provide work for these doctors to do.

“To this end we might have, for instance, a Bureau of Disease Dissemination, subject perhaps to the jurisdiction of the Secretary of the Interior, under whose direction, acting in cooperation with the Department of Agriculture, every package of seeds sent out by a Congressman to his constituents would have a sprinkling of germs of one kind or another mixed in with the seeds, thus spreading little epidemics of comparatively harmless disorders like the mumps, the measles, or the pip, around in various over-healthy communities where the doctors were in danger of going over the hill to the poorhouse. Surely if we are justified in making special efforts to help the farmers we ought not to hesitate to do the doctors a good turn once in a while.”

“You think the public would stand for that, do you?” queried the Bibliomaniac scornfully.

“Oh, the public is always inhospitable to new ideas at first,” said the Idiot, “but after a while they get so attached to them that you have to start an entirely new political party to prove that they are reactionary. But, as the Poet says,

“Into all lives some mumps must fall,

“and the sooner we get ’em over with the better. If the public once wakes up to the fact that the measles and the mumps are as inevitable as a coal bill in winter, or an ice bill in summer, it will cheerfully endorse a Federal Statute which enables us to have these things promptly and be done with ’em. It’s like any other disagreeable thing in life. As old Colonel Macbeth used to say to that dear old Suffragette wife of his,

“If ’twere done when ’tis done, then ’twere well

It were done quickly.

“It’s like taking a cold bath in the morning. You don’t mind it at all if you jump in in a hurry and then jump out again.

“But even if the public didn’t take that sensible view of it, we have legislative methods by which the thing could be brought about without the public knowing anything about it. For instance, supposing somebody in Congress were to introduce an innocent little bill appropriating five hundred thousand dollars, for the erection of a residence for a United States Ambassador to the Commonwealth of California, for the avowed object of keeping somebody in San Francisco to see that Governor Johnson didn’t declare war on Japan without due notice to the Navy Department, what could be simpler than the insertion in that bill of a little joker providing that from the date of the enactment of this statute the Department of Agriculture is authorized and required to expend the sum of twenty thousand dollars annually on the dissemination, through Congressional seed packages, of not less than one ounce per package of germs of assorted infantile and other comparatively harmless disorders, for the benefit of the medical profession? Taxidermists tell us that there are more ways than one to skin a cat, and the same is true of legislation.

“There’s only one other way that I can see to bring the desired condition about, and that is to permit physicians to operate under the same system of ethics as that to be found in the plumbing business. If a plumber is allowed, as he is allowed in the present state of public morality, to repair a leak in such a fashion today that new business immediately and automatically develops requiring his attention tomorrow, I see no reason why doctors should not be permitted to do the same thing. Called in to repair a mump, let him leave a measle behind. The measle cured, a few chickenpox left carelessly about where they will do the most good will insure his speedy return; and so on. Every physician could in this way take care of himself, and by a skilful manipulation of the germs within his reach should have no difficulty not only in holding but in increasing his legitimate business as well.”

“Ugh!” shuddered Mrs. Pedagog. “You almost make me afraid to let the Doctor stay in this house a day longer.”

“Don’t be afraid, Madame,” said the Doctor amiably. “After all, I’m a doctor, you know, and not a plumber.”

“I’ll guarantee his absolute harmlessness, Mrs. Pedagog,” said the Idiot. “We’re perfectly safe here. It is no temptation to a doctor to sow the germs of disorder among people like ourselves who have reduced getting free medical advice to a system.”

“Well,” said Mr. Brief, the lawyer, “your plan is all right for the doctors, but why the Dickens don’t somebody suggest something for us lawyers once in awhile? There were seventy thousand new lawyers turned out yesterday, and you haven’t even peeped.”

“No,” said the Idiot, “it isn’t necessary. You lawyers are well provided for. With one National Congress, and forty-eight separate State Legislatures working twenty-four hours a day, turning out fifty-seven new varieties of law every fifteen minutes, all so phrased that no human mind can translate them into simple English, there’s enough trouble constantly on hand to keep twenty million lawyers busy for thirty million years, telling us not what we can’t do, but what few things there are left under the canopy that a man of religious inclinations can do without danger of arrest!”

VII

THE U. S. TELEPHONIC AID SOCIETY

“Well, Mr. Idiot,” said the Doctor, as the Idiot with sundry comments on the top-loftical condition of the thermometer fanned his fevered brow with a tablespoon, “I suppose in view of the hot weather you will be taking a vacation very shortly.”

“Not only very shortly, but excessively shortly,” returned the Idiot. “Its shortliness will be of so brief a nature that nobody’ll notice any vacant chairs around where I am accustomed to sit. But let me tell you, Dr. Squills, it is too hot for sarcasm, so withhold your barbs as far as I am concerned, and believe me always very truly yours, Nicholas J. Doodlepate.”

“Sarcasm?” said the Doctor in a surprised tone. “Why, my dear fellow, I wasn’t sarcastic, was I? I am sure I didn’t mean to be.”

“To the listener’s ear it seemed so,” said the Idiot. “There seemed to me to be traces of the alkali of irony mixed in with the tincture of derision in that question of yours. When you ask a Wall Street man who declines to carry speculation accounts these days if he isn’t going to take a vacation shortly, it is like asking a resident of the Desert of Sahara why he doesn’t sprinkle a little sand around his place.

“Life on Wall Street for my kind, my good sir, of late has been just one darned vacation after another. The only business I have done in three months was to lend one of our customers a nickel, taking a subway ticket and a baseball rain check as collateral security.”

The Idiot shook his head ruefully and heaved a heart-rending sigh.

“What we cautious Wall Street fellows need,” said he, “is not a VA-cation, but a VO-cation.”

“Oh, well, a man of your fertility of invention ought not to have any trouble about that,” said Mr. Brief. “You should be able without killing yourself to think up some new kind of trade that will keep you busy until the snow-shoveling season begins anyhow.”

“Yes,” said the Idiot. “Ordinary by the exercise of some ingenuity and the use of these two brazen cheeks with which nature has endowed me, I can always manage to pull something resembling a living out of a reluctant earth. If a man slips up on being a Captain of Industry he can lecture on a sightseeing coach, or if that fails him under present conditions in this old town, by a little economy he can live on his tips.”

“And at the worst,” said the Bibliomaniac, “you always have Mrs. Pedagog to fall back on.”

“Yes,” said the Idiot. “The state of my bill at this very moment shows that I have credit enough with Mrs. Pedagog to start three national banks and a trust company. But, fortunately for me, I don’t have to do either. I have found my opportunity lying before me in the daily newspapers, and I am about to start a new enterprise which is not only going to pull a large and elegant series of chestnuts out of the fire for me but for all my subscribers as well. If I can find a good lawyer somewhere to draw up the papers of incorporation for my United States Telephonic Aid Society, I’ll start in business this very morning at the nearest pay station.”

“If you want a good lawyer, what’s the matter with me?” asked Mr. Brief.

“I never was any good at riddles,” said the Idiot, “and that one is too subtle for me. If I want a good lawyer, what is the matter with you? Ha! Hum! Well, I give it up, but I’m willing to be what the ancients used to call the Goat. If I want a good lawyer, Brudder Bones, what IS the matter with you? I ask the question—what’s the answer?”

“I don’t know,” grinned the Lawyer.

“Well, I guess that’s it,” said the Idiot. “If I want a good lawyer I want one who does know.”

“But what’s this new society going to do?” interrupted the Poet. “I am particularly interested in any sort of a scheme that is going to make you rich without forgetting me. If there’s any pipeline to prosperity, hurry up and let me know before it is too late.”

“Why, it is simplicity itself,” said the Idiot. “The U. S. Telephonic Aid Society is designed to carry First Aid to the Professionally Injured. You have doubtless read recently in the newspapers how Damon, a retired financier, desirous of helping his old friend Pythias, an equally retired attorney, back into his quondam practice—please excuse that word quondam, Mrs. Pedagog; it isn’t half as profane as it sounds—went to the telephone and impersonating J. Mulligatawny Solon, Member of Congress from the Chillicothe District, rang up Midas, Croesus, and Dives, the eminent bankers, and recommended Pythias as the only man this side of the planet Mars who could stave off the ruthless destruction of their interests by an uncontrolled body of lawmakers.”

“Yes,” said Mr. Brief. “I read all that, and it was almost as unreal as a page out of the Arabian Nights.”

“Wasn’t it!” said the Idiot. “And yet how simple! Well, that’s my scheme in a nutshell, only I am going to do the thing as a pure matter of business, and not merely to show the purity of my affection for any Pythian dependent.

“To show just how the plan will work under my supervision let us take your case first, Mr. Poet. Here you are this morning with your board bill already passed to its third reading, with Mrs. Pedagog tacking amendments on to the end of it with every passing day. Unfortunately for you in your emergent hour, the editors either view your manuscripts with suspicion or, what is more likely, refuse to look at them at all. They care nothing for your aspirations or your inspirations.

“Your immediate prospect holds nothing in sight save the weary parcel postman, with his bent form, delivering daily at your door eleven-pound packages of unappreciated sonnets. You do not dare think on the morrow, what ye shall eat, and wherewithal shall ye be clothed, because no man liveth who can purchase the necessities of life with rejection slips—those checks on the Banks of Ambition, payable in the editors’ regrets.”

“By George,” blurted the Poet feelingly, “you’re dead right about that, old man. If editors’ regrets were legal tender, I could pay off the national debt.”

“Precisely,” said the Idiot. “And it is just here, my dear friend, that the U. S. Telephonic Aid Society rushes to your assistance. Your case is brought to the society’s attention, and I, as President, Secretary, Treasurer, and General Manager of the institution, look into the matter at once.

“I find your work meritorious. No editor has ever rejected it because it lacked literary merit. He even goes so far as to print a statement of that fact upon the slip he sends back with it on its homeward journey. Like most other poets you need a little food once in awhile. A roof to cover your head is essential to your health, and under the existing laws of society you simply must wear clothes when you appear in public, and it becomes the Society’s worthy job to aid you in getting all these things.

“So we close a contract providing that for ten dollars down and fifteen percent of the gross future receipts, I, or the Society, agree to secure the publication of your sonnets, rondeaux, limericks, and triolets in the Hyperion Magazine.”

“That would be bully if you could only pull it off,” said the Poet, falling naturally into the terminology of Milton. “But I don’t just see how you’re going to turn the trick.”

“On the regular ‘Damon and Pythias’ principle, as set forth in the newspapers,” said the Idiot. “Immediately the contract between us is signed, I rush to the nearest pay station and ring up the editor of the Hyperion Magazine, and when I get him on the line we converse as follows:

Me—Is this the editor of the Hyperion Magazine?

Editor—Ubetcha. Who are you?

Me—I’m President Wilson, down at the White House.

Editor—Glad to hear from you, Mr. President. Got any more of that new Freedom stuff on hand? We are thinking of running a Department of Humor in the Hyperion, and with a little editing I think we could use a couple of carloads of it.

Me—Why, yes, Mr. Bluepencil. I think I have a bale or two of remnants in cold storage down at Trenton. But really that isn’t what I am after this morning. I wanted to say to you officially, but confidentially, of course, that my Ambassador to Great Britain has just cabled his resignation to the State Department. What with a little breakfast he gave last week to the President of France and his tips at his own presentation to the King, he has already spent four years’ salary, and he does not feel that he can afford to stay over there much after the first of September.

Editor—I’m on. I getcha.

Me—Now, of course, I’ve got to fill his place right away, and it struck me that you were just the man for the job. In the first place you are tolerably familiar with the language they speak in and about the Court of St. James’s. I am told by mutual friends that you eat peas with a fork, can use a knife without cutting your lip, and have an intuitive apprehension of the subtle distinctions between a finger-bowl and a sauterne glass. It has also been brought to my attention that your advertising pages have for years been consistent advocates, in season and out, of the use of grape juice as a refreshing beverage for nervous Ambassadors.

Editor—That’s right, Mr. President.

Me—Well, of course, all of this makes you unquestionably persona grata to us, and I think it should make you a novel and interesting feature of diplomatic life along Piccadilly.

Editor—It sounds good to me, Mr. President.

Me—Now to come to the difficulties in our way—and that is what I have rung you up to talk about. There seems to be but one serious objection to your appointment, Mr. Bluepencil. At a Cabinet meeting called yesterday to discuss the matter, Mr. McAdoo expressed the fear that if you go away for four years the quality of the poetry in the Hyperion Magazine will fall off. In this contention, Mr. McAdoo was supported by the Secretary of Agriculture, whose name escapes me at this moment, with the Postmaster General and the Secretary of War on the fence. Mr. Daniels was not present, having gone West to launch a battleship at Omaha. But in any event there is where the matter rests at this moment.

For my own part, however, after giving the matter prayerful consideration, I think I can see a way out. The whole Cabinet is very much interested in the poems of Willie Wimpleton Spondy, the boy Watson. McAdoo is constantly quoting from him. The Postmaster General has even gone so far as to advocate the extension of the franking privilege to him, and as for myself, I have made it a practice for the last five years to begin every day by reciting one of his limericks before my assembled family.

Editor—I never heard of the boob.

Me—Well, you hear of him now, and the whole thing comes down to this: Mr. Spondy will call at your office with a couple of bales of his stuff at ten o’clock tomorrow morning, and you might have something besides a pink rejection slip dripping with regrets ready for him. I don’t know what his rates are, but his stuff runs about ninety pounds to the bale, and what that comes to at fifty per you can figure out for yourself.

Editor—How does Champ Clark stand on this thing?

Me—He and Tommie Marshall are with us to the last tintinnabulation of the gong.

Editor—Then I am to understand just what, Mr. President?

Me—That you don’t go to England on our account until we are absolutely assured beyond peradvanture that there will be no deterioration in the quality of Hyperion poetry during your absence.

Editor—All right. Send the guy around this afternoon. He can send the bale by slow freight. We always pay in advance anyhow.

The Idiot paused to take breath.

“Then what?” asked the Poet dubiously.

“You go around and get what’s coming to you,” said the Idiot. “Or perhaps it would be better to send a messenger boy for it. The more impersonal we make this business the better.”

“I see,” said the Poet dejectedly. “But even at that, Mr. Idiot, when the Hyperion man doesn’t get the Ambassadorship, won’t he sue me to recover?”

“Oh, well,” said the Idiot wearily, “you’ve got to assume some of the burdens of the business yourself. We can’t do it all, you know. But suppose they do sue you? You never heard of a magazine recovering anything from a poet, did you? You’d get a heap of free advertising out of such a lawsuit, and if you were canny enough to put out a book of your verses while the newspapers were full of it, they’d go off like hot cakes, and you could retire with a cool million.”

“And where do I come in?” asked the Doctor. “Don’t I get any of these plums of prosperity your Telephonic Aid Society is to place within the reach of all?”

“On payment of the fee of ten dollars, and signing the regular contract,” said the Idiot. “I’ll do my best for you. In your case I should impersonate our good old friend Andrew Rockernegie. Acting in that capacity I would ring up Mr. John D. Reddymun, and you’d hear something like this:

Me—Hello, Reddy—is this you?

. Who’s this?

Me—This is Uncle Andy. How’s the leg this morning?

Reddymun—Oh, so so.

Me—Everybody pulling it, I suppose?

Reddymun—About the same as usual. It’s curious, Andrew, how many people are attached to my limb, and how few are attached to me.

Me—Yes, it’s a cold and cruel world, John. But I’m through. I’ve found the way out. They’ll never pull my leg again.

Reddymun—By George, old man, I wish I could say as much.

Me—Well, you can if you’ll only do what I did.

Reddymun—What’s that?

Me—Had it cut off.

Reddymun—No!

Me—Yep!

Reddymun—When?

Me—Just now.

Reddymun—Hurt?

Me—Never knew what was happening.

Reddymun—Who did it?

Me—Old Doctor Squills. He charged me ten thousand dollars for the job, but I figure it out that it has saved me six hundred and thirty three million dollars.

Reddymun—Send him around, will you?

Me—Ubetcha!

“And then?” said the Doctor.

“And then?” echoed the Idiot. “Well, if you don’t know what you would do if you were offered ten thousand dollars to cut a man’s leg off I can’t teach you, but I have one piece of advice to give you. When you get the order don’t go around there with a case full of teaspoons and soup-ladles, when all you need is a good sharp carving knife to land you in the lap of luxury!”

“And do you men think for one single moment,” cried the Landlady, “that all this would be honest business?”

“Well, in the very nature of the case it would be a trifle ‘phoney’,” said the Idiot, “but what can a man do these days, with his bills getting bigger and bigger every day?”

“I’d leave ’em unpaid first!” sniffed the Landlady contemptuously.

“Oh, very well,” smiled the Idiot. “With your permission, ma’am, we will. You don’t know what a load you have taken off my mind.”

VIII

FOR TIRED BUSINESS MEN

“Poor old Binks!” said the Idiot sympathetically, as he put down a letter just received from his friend and turned his attention to the waffles. “He’s spending the good old Summertime in a sanitarium, just because he thinks he’s got nervous prostration, and the Lord knows when he’ll be back in harness again.”

“Who’s Binks?” asked the Lawyer. “You talk as if the name of Binks were a household word.”

“Well, it is, in a way,” said the Idiot. “Binks is one of those tired business men that we hear so much of these days. The kind they write comic operas and popular novels for, with all the thought taken out so that he may not have to burden his mind with anything worth thinking about. He’s one of these billionaire slaves who’s lost his thumb cutting off coupons and employs seventeen clerks with rubber stamps to sign his checks for him. He’s succumbed to the strain of it all at last, and now the goblins have got him. Do you approve of these sanitariums, Doctor?”

“I most certainly do,” said the Doctor. “Sanitariums are the greatest blessings of modern life, and, for my part, I’d like to see a law passed requiring everybody to spend a month in one of them every year of his life, where he could be under constant scientific supervision. It would add ten years to the lives of every one of us.”

“Well, I hope you are right, but I don’t know,” said the Idiot dubiously. “Seems to me there’s too much coddling going on at those places, and mighty few people get well on coddling. I’ve given the matter some thought, and I’ve known a lot of men who had nothing but a pain in their toe who got so much sympathy over it that they became hopeless invalids inside of a year. There’s more truth than humor in that joke about the little Irish boy who was asked how his mother was and replied that she was enjoying poor health this year.”

“O, that’s all tommyrot,” said the Doctor. “Perfect nonsense—”

“I hope so,” said the Idiot, “but after all nobody can deny that there are a great many people in this world who really do enjoy bad health who wouldn’t if it weren’t for the perquisites.”

“Perquisites?” frowned the Bibliomaniac. “Great Heavens, Mr. Idiot, you don’t mean to insinuate that there is graft in ill health, just as there is in everything else, do you?”

“I sure do,” replied the Idiot. “Take me, for instance—”

“I for one must decline to take you until I know whether you are a chronic disorder, or merely a temporary epidemic,” grinned Mr. Brief.

“Idiocy is pretty contagious,” smiled the Idiot, in reply, “but in this case I wish to be taken as a patient. Let us say, for instance, that I am off in the country at a popular hotel, and all of a sudden some fine morning I come down with a headache—”

“That’s a debatable hypothesis,” said the Lawyer. “Is it possible for the Idiot to have a headache, Doctor?”

“I have known similar cases,” said the Doctor. “I knew an old soldier once who lost his leg at Gettysburg, and years afterward could still feel the twinges of rheumatism in one of his lost toes.”

“Thanks for the vindication, Doctor,” said the Idiot. “Nevertheless, just to please our learned brother here, I will modify the hypothesis.

“Let us suppose that I am off in the country at a popular summer hotel, and all of a sudden some fine morning I come down with a violent pain in that anatomical void where my head would be if, like Mr. Brief, I always suffered from one. I am not sick enough to stay in bed, but just badly enough off to be able to loll around the hotel piazzas all morning and look forlorn.

“Everybody in the place, of course, is immediately sympathetic. All are sorry for me, and it is such an unusual thing for one of my volatile, not to say fluffy, nature to suffer that a vast amount of commiseration is manifested by my fellow guests, especially by the ladies.

“They turn me at once into a suffering hero. As I lie listlessly in my steamer-chair they pass me by on tiptoe, or pause and inquire into the progress of my aches and show a great deal more interest in my condition than they do in bridge or votes for women. One fetching young creation in polka-dotted dimity, aged twenty-three, offers to stay home from a picnic and read Robert W. Chambers aloud to me. Another goes to her room and brings me down a little jar of mint jelly, which she feeds to me on the end of a macaroon or a lady finger, while still a third, a pretty little widow of twenty-seven summers, now and then leaves her embroidery to put a cool little hand on my forehead to see if I have any fever—”

“A most alluring picture,” said the Doctor.

“It almost makes my head ache to think of it!” said the Idiot. “But to continue, this goes on all morning, and then when afternoon comes they hang a nice little hammock for me, filled with dainty sofa cushions, out under the trees, and as they gently swing me to and fro a charming creature from Wellesley or Vassar sits alongside of me and fans my fevered brow, driving away dull care, flies, and mosquitoes until twilight, when, after feeding me on more macaroons, washed down with copious libations of sparkling lemonade, a bevy of elfin maids sit around in a circle and sing ‘My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean’, while the aforesaid little widow comes now and then to brush my scalp-lock back from my brow with the aforesaid pink paddy.”

“Oh, well, what of it?” interrupted the Doctor. “I’ve known many a stronger man than you made a fool of—”

“What of it?” demanded the Idiot. “What of it? There’s a lot of it. Do you suppose for one minute that I am going to get well under those circumstances?”

“I wouldn’t,” said the Lawyer.

“Not on your faith in the Materia Medica!” cried the Idiot. “That headache would become immortal. As undying as a poet’s fame. Life would become for me one blissful eternity of cerebellian suffering under those conditions. Rather that lose my job as the cynosure of all that lovely solicitude I’d hire a bellboy to come to my room in the morning with a croquet mallet and hammer my head until it split, if I couldn’t get one in any more legitimate fashion.

“The quiet joy of lying off there with all those ministering angels about me, secretly enjoying the discomfiture of all the other men about the place—they nursing their wrath; their sisters, cousins, aunts, rich grandmothers, and best girls nursing me—get well? me? never, Doctor!

“But if, on the other hand, nobody came near me all day long save a horse marine of a landlady armed with a bottle of squills, with the request that I go to bed until I felt better, why then I’d be a well man in just seven and a half minutes, dancing the tango, and challenging all the rheumaticky old beaux about the place to a hundred yards’ dash for the fifteenth turkey trot with the little widow at the Saturday night hop.”

“Yes, I admit that there is such a thing as too much coddling,” said the Doctor. “There are people who are inclined to hug their troubles, and for whom too much sympathy is a positive deterrent in the process of recuperation, but after all, my dear fellow, until we find something better the sanitarium must serve its purpose, and a great many people are unquestionably helped along by its beneficent operations.”

“I haven’t a doubt of that,” said the Idiot, “and here’s to them! Long may they wave! I quaff this pony of maple syrup to the health of the sanitariums of the land—but just the same, for the tired business man, and his name is not only Smith, but Legion, there should be some other kind of an institution where this coddling process is frowned upon.”

“Why not devote that massive brain of yours to the working out of the idea?” suggested the Bibliomaniac. “The great trouble with you, Mr. Idiot, is that you are prolific in thinking out things that ought to be done, but there you stop. How to do them you never tell us. Why don’t you give us a constructive notion once in awhile?”

“Thank you, Mr. Bib,” said the Idiot, with a grateful smile. “I’ve been fishing for that particular nibble for the past eighteen minutes, and I was beginning to fear the shad were shy this morning. You have saved the day, Sir. Speaking of Mr. Bib’s idea that we ought to have something to take the place of the sanitarium for the tired business man, Doctor, how do you think an irritarium would pay?”

“A what?” cried the Doctor, holding his waffle like Mohammed’s coffin, suspended in midair.

“An irritarium,” repeated the Idiot. “An institution of aggravation, where, instead of being coddled into permanent invalidism, we should be constantly irritated, provoked, exacerbated, or, as my old friend Colonel Thesaurus says in his Essay on Excitation, exasperated into a cantankerously contentious pugnacity!”

“And for what purpose, pray?” demanded the Bibliomaniac.

“As an anti-coddling resource for the restoration of our pristine powers,” said the Idiot. “Just take our old friend, the tired business man, for example. He has been working forty-eight hours a day all winter long, and with the coming of spring he is first cousin to the frazzle, and in the matter of spine twin brother to the jellyfish. His middle name is Flabby, and his nerve has succumbed to the superior numbers of nerves.

“He is headed straight for the Down-and-Out Club. His lip quivers when he talks, and his hand is the center of a seismic disturbance that turns his autograph into a cross between a dress pattern and a futurist conception of a straight line in the cold gray dawn of the morning after. He has prolonged fits of weeping, and when it comes to making up his mind on any definite course of action he vacillates between two possibilities until it is too late, and then decides wrong.

“Now, under present conditions they railroad this poor wreck off to a sanitarium, where the very atmosphere that he breathes is the dread thing that has haunted his sleepless hours all winter long—that of retirement. He is made to believe that he is a vurry, vurry sick man, and the only real pleasure that is left to him is bragging about his symptoms to some other unfortunate incarcerated with him; and after each period of boastful exposure of these symptoms in the exchange provided for the swapping of these things in the sanitariums of the day, he goes back to his room more than ever convinced that his case is hopeless; and, confronted by the bogey of everlasting ill health, he lets go of himself altogether and a long, long, tedious period of rehabilitation begins which may or may not get him into shape again in time for the fall season.”

“It’s the only way,” said the Doctor. “Don’t fight your doctor. Just let go of yourself, and let him do the rest.”

“Well, I’d like to see my system tried for a while,” said the Idiot. “I’ll guarantee that any tired business man who will go to my irritarium will get his spine and his spunk, his nerve and his dander, back in a jiffy.

“The first morning, after giving him a first-class breakfast that fills his weary soul with peace, I’d turn him loose in a picture gallery on the walls of which are hung soft, dreamy reproductions of pastoral scenes calculated to lull his soul into an unsuspecting sense of calm, and while he is looking placidly at these lovely things I’d have a husky attendant wearing sneakers creep quietly up behind him and give him such a kick as should for a moment make him feel that the earth itself had blown up. It wouldn’t be a pleasant, sympathetic little love tap calculated to make him feel that he never even wanted to get well, but a violent, exacerbating assault; utterly uncalled for and unexpected; a bit of sheer, brutal provocation.

“Do you suppose for an instant that the party of the second part would throw himself down forthwith upon a convenient divan and give way to a fit of weeping? Not he, my dear Doctor. The tire of that tired business man would blow out with a report like a crash of distant thunder. All the latent business manhood in him would be aroused into instant action. Nerves would fly, and nerve would return. Spinelessness and uncertainty would give way to spunk, and a promptitude of truculent reprisal worthy of the palmiest days of his commercial preeminence would ensue. Worn and weary as he was when he entered the irritarium, he would be so outraged by the rank discourtesy and utter injustice of that kick that he would beat up that attendant as if he were a world’s champion battling with a bowlful of cold consommé for a ten-thousand-dollar purse.”

“Tush!” said the Doctor. “What do you suppose the attendant would be doing all this time? You seem to think your tired business man would find beating him up as easy as mashing potatoes with a pile driver.”

“It would be part of my system,” said the Idiot, “that the attendant should allow himself to be thrashed, so that the tired business man, irritated into a show of spirit and deceived into thinking that he was still some fighter, would leave the place next day, his courage renewed and his confidence in himself completely restored. Instead of inoculating him with Nut chops and hot water for a weary period of six months, I’d pin the red badge of courage on him at the very start; and I miss my guess if he wouldn’t go back to business the next morning as fit as a fiddle, and spend most of his time for the next two years telling everybody who would listen how he walloped the life out of one of the huskiest attendants he could find in a month of Sundays.”

“And you really think such brutal methods would work, do you?” asked the Bibliomaniac.

“I have eight dollars that are willing to state it is a fact to any two-dollar certificate ever printed by Uncle Sam,” returned the Idiot. “Why, Mr. Bib, I had a very dear friend once who was paralyzed. So completely paralyzed was he that he couldn’t move without help, and, what was worse, couldn’t even talk.

“He went to a sanitarium, and for seven long and weary months he was dipped in a warm bath every morning by two attendants, an Irishman and a Dutchman. One held him by the shoulders and the other by the ankles, and day after day for nearly a year they dipped, and dipped, and dipped him. He showed no signs of improvement whatsoever until one bitterly cold winter’s morning, the two attendants, having been off on a spree the night before, forgot to turn on the hot-water faucet and dipped him into a tub of ice water!

“The effect was electrical. The patient was so mad that he impulsively broke the dam of silence that had afflicted him for so long and let loose a flow of language on those attendants that made the wrath to come seem like the twittering of a bird; and before they had recovered from their astonishment he had leaped from the tub, pinked the Irishman on the eye with a cake of soap, and, after chasing the Dutchman downstairs into the parlor, spanked him into a state of coma with a long-handled bath brush he had picked up off the floor.”

“And I suppose he is giving lessons in the tango today!” interjected the Lawyer, with a laugh.

“Nothing so mild,” said the Idiot. “The last time I saw him he was starting off with old man Weston on his walk to Chicago. He told me he was going as far as Albany with Weston.”

“Well,” said the Doctor, “it might work, but I doubt it. I should have to see the scheme in operation before I recommended it to any of my patients.”

“All right,” said the Idiot. “Send ’em along, Doctor. Mr. Bib and I can take care of them right here.”

“Leave me out,” snapped the Bibliomaniac. “I don’t care to be a partner in any of your idiotic nonsense.”

“No, Mr. Bib,” smiled the Idiot, genially. “I wasn’t going to use you as a partner, but as a shining example of the effectiveness of my theory. I’ve been irritating you constantly for the past twenty years, and you are still able to eat your thirty-seven and a half flapjacks daily without turning a hair, and that’s some testimonial.”

EDITING NOTES

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Texts were obtained from Project Gutenberg and the Internet Archive.

OCR and printer’s errors were silently corrected; punctuation, diacritics, and italics formatted; some spelling and punctuation normalized. Cover design derived from The Genial Idiot first edition.

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