Hellweek- Day 4 by The Raven Sennin (The_Raven_Sennin)

Tsuhi-bi, 4 Mi, 13th year of the Sandaime's Second Reign, 3048.

0330 h

Naruto glared at his pills where they sat by his bed. His hated, hated, needed pills.

Well, at least he could admit needing them now.

He heard water running and something being filled. He glanced at the window as he sat up and nodded to the fresh ANBU there. "Grasshopper," he greeted, then waved to the door to the attached bath. "Kakashi?"

"He was here all night. You look at that the way I used to look at the absence of a bottle in front of me," the ANBU said in a familiar voice. Same 'Hopper he grew up with, then. Boar's brother. Didn't know his real name, though to be fair he only knew his old downstairs neighbor Shotaro was Boar because they'd been introduced when Sho had moved in. And he didn't pry, anymore than he pried when Ocelot had grown adult trees in seconds in a damaged park that one time.

Naruto always figured manners were best figured out on a case by case basis.

"Sake?" Naruto wondered as he shook two pills out, closed the box and gave the entering Kakashi a weak smile. His nii-san offered him a glass of water, and Naruto took it with a muttered 'thanks'.

The ANBU shook his head. "Beer. Took my dear brother to beat some sense into to me. There's drinking to relax, and then there's self-medication instead of getting what you need. But something they told me in rehab... you'll have at least one moment where you brain will foolishly try to cling to the reward it associates with the habit you're trying to break. With me, it was the numbness of the alcohol."

"And I'll want not to be a pill head," Naruto muttered, before doing the dreaded ritual that was almost one motion to him: pill in mouth water chaser head back swallow.

"They call it 'the last gasp effect'," Grasshopper said, sighing. "And then there's the 'resurrection call'-- for a moment, your brain recalls the old habit's reward. If you indulge in answer, you can relapse."

Naruto finished gulping down the water. "How'd you get past the last gasp, Hopper-san?"

"Friends helped," Kakashi noted dryly.

Grasshopper grunted. "I maintain you set Gai on me for your own amusement."

"You have to admit, a full shoulder lock did keep you out of the bar. As effective as Anko sitting on you."

"That was nowhere near as fun as it should have been," Grasshopper grumbled.

Naruto snorted as he got out of bed and took off his nightcap. "Could have been worse. She could have set Kageko on you."

Grasshopper stiffened, then shuddered. "Point taken. Your 'little sis' went easy on me, Hound, why didn't you?"

Kakashi already had his book out. "You say something, Raito?"

"Who is this 'Hound', Kashi-nii?" Naruto wondered, then blinked as he pulled a clean set of his nin-uniform from his dresser. "Wait... well, why the heck didn't they just call you Migi?"

"Dad was from Cocoyasi," sighed Grasshopper. "Shotaro gets his love of puns from him. Mum went along with it, so we're 'Lefty' and 'Righty'. Which would be fine, except I'm left handed and Nii-san's right."

Naruto hissed with suppressed laughter.

"You enjoyed ordering us to attack far too much," Grasshopper said, with what had to be a glare at Kakashi as Naruto headed to the washroom.

"What? 'Sho, right. Raito, left.' It makes sense."

Naruto chortled, closing the door. He glanced longingly at the tub.

No time for a proper bath. Hose down, lather up, hose down, go.

##

0345 h

It was odd, Sakura reflected as she moved her covers to the side and sat up. She wasn't even in the house she grew up in, and she still felt the great gaping not-thereness of her parents being out of town.

It was an odd and familiar longing, felt since she could tell her own story. A child's want for their parents to always be at hand.

She rose and stretched. She wore boxers and a t-shirt to bed, the single t-shirt she had left from her brother, a simple white tee with the Keltic word for 'neck' on it.

Kaa-san had born the rest of the family's amusement at this with the usual snark. Never you mind she'd bought it for her eldest.

Sakura hummed to her slightly fractured self and grabbed a towel. Time to get to it.

##

0350 h

"Who?" Sasuke asked simply with a smirk as he came upon Naruto and Sakura in their backyard. Their backyard-- last time he'd properly shared living space with anyone had been Before.

Sakura briefly looked up from her reading and smiled slightly as she nodded in greeting before returning to her book. Naruto was reclined, his jacket folded and tucked under his head. He had his lap-desk out, and was writing with a brush-pen.

It never ceased to amaze Sasuke how his friend's handwriting changed-- from positively horrid and informal 'leaf script' for assignments Naruto knew weren't going to be graded properly, to the neat but chaotically laid out calligraphy used in the blond's own notebooks-- the margin notes could have footnotes and margin notes of their own in those damn things-- to the simple, neat writing he did for things he wanted someone else to read.

And he was a fast writer, too. There were times where Sasuke would swear Naruto had more notes than any effort the Uchiha could see him put into it.

"Hay," Naruto said simply, focused on his writing.

"Hay, he says," Sakura said, shaking her head.

Naruto just rolled his eyes and kept writing.

"Naruto," Sakura said, finally lowering her book and closing it. She removed her reading glasses. "Naruto, we may not be as formal as Mizu or Kaze, but in Hi no Kuni, we still tend to have a real awareness of rank and position--"

"And it's bullshite if it keeps me from telling my friends I care about them," Naruto said bluntly.

"I'm not saying that's wrong," Sakura said with a grin. "I'm just saying, don't expect people to not so much as blink when you call Nefertari Haydar, Crown Prince of Alabasta... 'Hay'."

"... He calls the queen Vi-nee," Sasuke noted, and snorted as Sakura rubbed the bridge of her nose.

"What? She calls Jii-jii Jeddo, that's basically the same as what I call him in their language!" He smiled. "She's really nice, though. She's the one that gave me that coconut candy you liked, Sasuke!"

"The... Muscat? The one garnished with cashews and raisins?" Sasuke smiled slightly at the memory.

Sakura snorted, then chuckled. "Does she really--"

"Chiaki once tried to get her attention at a banquet to give her a message from home. He finally resorted to tapping her shoulder. She went from seiza to sitting on Jii-jii's lap without noticing." He laughed. "Not that Jii-jii really objected, dirty old man."

"You've just described most Konoha men over the age of 50," Sasuke noted.

"True. Natsumikan's Ahtie-ba thought that was hilarious, though. She actually smiled."

Sakura blinked. "Wait... this was a state function?"

"I can behave for those!" Naruto protested. "... kinda."

Sakura slowly smiled. "Perhaps negotiating a trade route between somewhere on the Green Ocean and Alabasta out on the Blue?"

"Yeah. The Kazekage was there too, and their Daimyo-- their Kage seemed kinda douchey but their Daimyo was a nice enough guy--"

Sakura was eying Naruto now, and Sasuke suppressed a shiver.

"Naruto... you know the Queen of Kells."

"Yeah..." Naruto admitted slowly. Sasuke was watching Sakura. It took him a second, but he placed why the look she now sported was freaking him out.

"And he's unlikely to introduce you," Sasuke said firmly, "if your face at the thought matches the way you used to look at me."

Sakura blinked and then smacked herself. "Fucking rot! Bad fangirl!" Her eyes spaced out.

"Er, Sakura?" Naruto asked after a moment.

"Sh! Attempting to kill part of my psyche."

"That never works as well as you think," Kakashi said, turning a page in his book.

Sasuke jumped back a step. Sakura fell off the log she was sitting on. Naruto... just kept writing.

"When did you get here?" Sakura exclaimed from her prone position.

Kakashi glanced at her. "Before I spoke."

"I liked that plot better when Tomono Hiro did it," Naruto drawled idly.

"Hiro's version is only two chapters," Kakashi rejoined smoothly.

"Which just proves Sugashi only knows how to stretch a plot enough to make it tired," Naruto countered.

"Female lead's hot, though," the masked nin noted.

"She's a Kuja, of course you think she's hot," the blond grumbled.

"So does my wife."

Naruto slowly nodded. "I suppose I can't argue with a Kuja's endorsement of a Kuja character."

Sakura sat up-- or tried to, the log still under her knees made snapping right up rather problematic. "Wait-- as in--" she slumped down, then pulled herself around so she was on her knees and leaning on the log. "Your wife's from Amazon Lily, Kakashi-san?"

"Mm? Yes," Kakashi said simply.

"How does a Kuja end up in Konoha?" the pink-haired girl wondered.

"Couple of boat trips and some overland travel," Kakashi explained helpfully.

Sasuke smirked as Sakura palmed her face. "Sasuke, I begin to suspect one of the formative influences on our teammate."

##

0403 h

Mongoose hadn't had a spot on Ramen Watch in months, and he'd missed keeping an eye on Naruto. Naruto-- that surrogate little brother to most of Konoha's higher echelon was a big reason Mongoose loved the village. Such a ray of light, despite the stupidity often thrown the blond's way. How someone so many had stupidly tried to exclude from his hometown's community-minded, protective ways had come to embody them so well was just another miracle of the Leaf.

Naruto was excitedly chattering to Kakashi as the ANBU turned academy head carried him, seemingly ignoring the blond-- but his old ANBU trainer's exposed eyebrow threatened to clear Man-Down's forehead if he enjoyed it anymore. The duo led the rest of Anko's team to the house Kakashi and his wife had established.

Some might have thought Naruto a bit old for such treatment. Only a fool would have noted such to Kakashi.

Mongoose had asked Hound once, why dismantle the old Hatake clan compound and turn the land into a new training ground rather than start his family there?

Kakashi had met his eyes briefly over a copy of TheInfinitely Gutsy Shinobi and the Summoner's Seal and said, "My father haunts me enough as is, Tube Rat."

He'd had to give the Copy Nin that one.

Kakashi stopped suddenly, a scant door from the Hatake home. With a slight sense of not unpleasant fatalism, Mongoose waited-- and had to chuckle to himself as his old trainer's eye met his, and Kakashi cocked his one exposed eyebrow. Naruto's face was now such that Mongoose could clearly read the boy's lips as he started to question his 'ride', until the boy followed the older Nin's gaze. It took a moment, but once he knew where to look Naruto spotted the bandana wearing ANBU and that fox grin of mischief appeared.

"Someone got made~!" he heard Robin chide.

"Oh, like you haven't been spotted yourself," Mongoose shot back. "Besides, it's Man Down. He could likely diagram every nin currently tailing them and tell you what we were armed with. Hang on." Mongoose saw Kakashi's hands flow with a surety that could out race an enemy nin in hand seals, but this was Konoha hand signs.

Meet team for clearance in medical--

Ah.

"Tube Rat," Kakashi greeted him as he descended from his perch on the high gate of the Rock clan's compound. Mongoose pushed his mask- an old habit, of course it was firmly in place.

"Sempai," Mongoose said as Naruto slid down from Hatake's back (a few more years, and he'd be too big to carry that way... if he took after his father heightwise, anyway). Kakashi gestured Anko, Sakura and Sasuke over.

"This is Mongoose," Kakashi said. "His mask is his. It will always be the same voice with it. If he comes to treat any of you-- let him. Rin helped train him."

"Mongoose," Sakura greeted him.

Sasuke simply nodded, which was a change-- there was none of the haughtiness and arrogance that had been creeping into the poor boy. That was a welcome sight.

"You're new," Naruto said, a little warily.

"Heh. Yeah, I'd just joined the forces when you were being taken care of. But to tell you the truth, I prefer watching you over my usual work," Mongoose assured him.

"And your usual work is...?" Sasuke asked.

"Tending to things," Mongoose answered.

"I'm guessing that's the more polite 'if I told you I'd have to kill you'," Sasuke murmured.

"Or when killing who you're talking to isn't an option," Sakura countered, smirking.

Sasuke gave a thoughtful frown. "I hope our being on the same team isn't taxing you too much," he noted, and for a moment Mongoose heard an echo of the Uchiha matriarch decimating a Kusa nukenin that had taken a contract on Uzumaki-sama. She'd had the man's employer in an hour, without a single direct question asked and not a single question answered on her part. Man joined Konoha, too. It'd been a glorious treat to watch.

"You do not have clan and kin to watch you; it is an honour to act in their stead. Naruto-- I'm given to understand you know why we watch him."

"Because it is amusing," Kakashi murmured, seemingly absently (bullshite).

"Yes, Sensei. Thank you," Mongoose shot back.

"Sensei?" Sakura wondered. "I'd heard Hatake-san has never taken a genin team..."

"Half our active ANBU were inducted in some way by Man Down here," Mongoose admitted quietly. "Speaking of, a meal made by either Kakashi-sensei or his dear Rindou is not to be missed, so I shouldn't hinder you."

With a quick bow, he left them, retreating to watch.

"Half surprised the brat didn't invite you along for breakfast," Robin murmured over the radio.

"He's not that ill-mannered," Mongoose shot back. "Mask means on duty. I'd have to say no, and Naruto would never put me on the spot like that. Besides, he doesn't 'know' me."

"He's got a point there, Robin," Boar noted.

"Don't encourage him, Boar."

Mongoose thought a moment. "I've needed encouragement... when?"

##

0415 h

"Am I going to get a medical check up every time I see you, now?" Naruto grumbled.

"Only until I'm satisfied you've recovered," Rin shot back. She looked at the scroll that held the display matrix for her scanning jutsu-- more a means to show the patient what the inin saw than anything else. "Rindou!" she called.

"Yes?" came the reply from the kitchen.

"Double the eggs on Naruto's breakfast, will you? He needs the protein."

"Gotcha!"

Naruto grinned broadly.

"And extra lotus root and whatever other veggies you're putting in the Bibimbap!"

"Naturally!"

She smirked as the grin faded. "Everyone's been trying to shove veggies down my gullet these days," Naruto grumped.

"Everyone can stand a bit more plant matter in their diet," Rin said, rolling up her scroll. "And if you eat as I say, we'll have you down to the right dose for your age by tomorrow."

"... mm. Veggies," Naruto said, clearly struggling to marshall that much enthusiasm. "Are you done, Rin-nee?"

"The check up, yes," Rin said. "But there is something else we have to address that we didn't yesterday."

Naruto's brow furrowed, then realization dawned.

He had just turned to flee to the table where the others sat when she caught him.

##

"Augh! Rin-nee, lay off!" Naruto cried. Kakashi looked over at where his teammate was bathing his sensei's son in kisses while giving him a hug that bordered on a prisoner capture hold. "GAH! I prefer you when you're kuu rather than dere!"

"Silly! I'm not Sugar and Ice, I'm a tsundere! And now I'm indulging both sides!"

"Noooo! I'm too Cool and Awesome here for this! Kashi-nii! Nee-sensei! Loyal teammates! Save me!"

"What was that, Naruto?" Kakashi drawled. "Oh. Anko, it looks like Rin is... assaulting? Assaulting Naruto. You might want to... I don't know, save your student or something."

"Well I'd like to, Kakashi," Anko said, then took a long sip of tea. "Mmm. But Sakura's inner fangirl is flaring up, so I have to keep an eye on her for poor Sasuke. You know how the fannish react to his clan."

"Sasuke," Sakura deadpanned, turning a page in her book, "go out with me."

If Sakura was deadpan, Sasuke was the neatly practiced evenness of an Uchiha. "Hn. No."

"Aw, why not."

"You're annoying."

"Aw, Sasuke-kun."

"Hn. Go away."

"See, it's a powder keg," Anko observed. "Why I have to sit between them."

"Mm. You will obviously need my help," Kakashi agreed.

"AH! BISUKE! BULL! PAKKUN!"

"Oh, bones, no," Bisuke declared from the nearby run where he and the rest of Kakashi's ninken were eating.

"We learned a long time ago not to get between Rin and the... 'objects of her affection', right Bull?"

The big bulldog gave Pakkun an affirmative whoof, then batted at Akino as the smaller dog closed on their dishes.

"Besides, we gotta eat before Mr. Hoghound here tries to steal our food," Bisuke said, growling at his packmate.

"But guys, I'm hungry!" Akino whined.

Pakkun back pawed him away. "You're not even finished with yours!"

"FREEDOM!" Naruto called, and took off with Rin in pursuit. At their second pass of the table, he shouted, "HATING YOU ALL!"

"As it should be~," his sensei and pink haired teammate replied.

"Oh, is that a thing?" Sasuke wondered.

"Mm," Sakura nodded, taking a drink of her own tea.

"Aw, Naruto, it's been so long, I just want to catch-- YIPE!" After a moment, Rin came running the opposite way of the vague laps the two had been taking of the garden and training area. "WHO THE ROT TAUGHT THE PRANKSTER KAGE BUNSHIN?"

"Aw, Rin-nee!"

"Now there's more of me to love!"

"Yeah, and I can return it to the same degree~!"

"KAKASHI! HELP!"

"Hehe. Silly married couple playing cuckold! What was that Rin?"

On her next pass, Rin simply glared at him and gestured at the twelve Naruto clones and (likely) original following her.

"Oh, yes. That is a bit vexing. Sadly, I'm having to sit here and make sure little Anko remembers not to be too sadistic with her cute students."

Anko set down her cup and held her finger out to either side, just short of touching her students' cheeks. "I'm not touching you~!"

Sakura on Anko's right rolled her eyes. "Oh, dear Shodai and Wellspring, no, mommy, I don't want to be a ninja anymore, no, no, this is worse than a sale when I'm broke."

"Ah," Sasuke 'agreed' from Anko's left. "My fragile Uchiha pride."

Kakashi, not looking up from his book, wagged a finger at the trio. "Oh, no. Anko, that's too cruel. You stop that. No. Tsk, Tsk."

"You son of a bitch!" Rin declared on her next pass.

Kakashi lowered his book, sniffed dramatically, and raised his fist to his heart. "As I was taught to be."

"Minato-nii would be so proud," Anko agreed.

"Wait... so is the husband watching the wife with another guy...?" Sakura said, gesturing with her right hand as if tracing the plot of Kakashi's book with her forefinger in the air.

"No. The husband is pretending to be the man who his wife is cheating on him with... and this is how they are getting it on... to have a kid."

Sakura's eyes slowly widened as Rin and Naruto(s) started lapping the table. "... why am I hearing the town alert alarm horns...?"

"And they think he's reading light fare," Anko sighed.

Rindou emerged from the back door of the house pushing a cart with seven stone bowls sitting on a slab of similar material and a number of platters as well as the inner pot of a rice cooker. "I have hashbrowns!"

Instantly, there was the smoke of chakra constructs dissipating and the three spaces across from Anko and her... 'better behaved' ... students were filled. "Hashbrowns, please!"

"Akino, get back in the run, I'll bring you more beef and gravy," Rindou chided.

"But... hashbrowns..." the shades wearing ninken whined.

The snake that followed Rindou out just flexed her tail. Akino yipped, and retreated. The boa sighed. "He just always wants what others are having."

"And are you two done with the marzipan routine?" Rindou asked Rin and Naruto.

"That's 'manzai' dear," Kakashi murmured, reaching out for one of the potato patties on the platter his pleasantly perky partner poised for partaking.

"How is that different from the comedy duos out on East Blue, or the Back and Forths from Kells? I still don't get that," Rindou muttered as she started to move bowls before diners, brushing each with sesame oil as she went. "Mind the bowls, they're hot."

Kakashi looked at Naruto and raised his exposed eyebrow. Naruto smirked, snagged a hashbrown, jammed it in his mouth, chewed maybe twice, swallowed, and said, "Hem, hem, hem. Well, you see dear Rindou-nee... as with most cultural elements, context is king."

"Blessed Branches, how does he not choke?" Sakura muttered.

"I'm working on the theory that it's Uzumaki genetics," Rin said, nibbling on her own bit of fried potato heaven.

Naruto's eyes darted between the two as he once again attempted a scowl and made it to a pout, but he pressed on. "So out on East Blue, the dominant comedy duo is the 'Laurel and Hardline'. In it, the Hardline, or 'straight man' thinks he is the voice of reason and the Laurel a fool. The fun comes in seeing the Laurel prove to either be right or at least crafty enough to win out. It's usually about a seemingly weak or dim-witted opponent proving he can carry the day over the guy that assumes he's smarter or more powerful, right?"

"Like in the Bunny and Hunter bit," Rindou reflected, as she started to dish rice into each bowl.

"That's the classic version," Naruto agreed. "You can add a third party-- another Hardline that thinks he's a Laurel is common."

"The duck," Sasuke said. "What about when they add the Turtle-- oh. That's-- the basic duo assumes the Turtle doesn't matter, but he turns into a Laurel that reduces the Hunter and Rabbit to mutual ducks."

Naruto nodded. "But it's all built off that duo dynamic. Now, Kells gives us the back-and-forth, or 'Failure of Manners'. In it, two people who are basically equal but..." He smiled as it came to him. "Two ducks, thinking they're rabbits. Both are utterly convinced their next move will win the day, and both usually just either level the playing field or creates a new equ--ekuil-- equilibrium! See, I can too talks good," Naruto said, smirking at Sakura. His pink haired teammate rolled her eyes.

"... so it goes back and forth," Rindou said, quickly but artfully arranging seasoned lotus root, julienned cucumber, thin round slices of zucchini, shredded daikon radish, several varieties of seaweed (betraying the dish's Uzu origin), some fresh spinach and soybean sprouts, and the bracken fern stems known as gosari on top of each bowl of rice.

She paused as she noticed all conversation had stopped to watch her work over the sizzling bowls, blushed, and added some thinly sliced bacon on top-- a very Hi variation on the dish that Kakashi knew she did because it was how he liked it.

Each diner was given a dish with raw eggs out of the shell in them-- as few as one in Rindou's case, as many as four for Naruto. She added sauce for each diner's taste-- Kakashi simply had soy sauce, as did Rin; Rindou and Sasuke both had the thicker salty soy paste doenjang, and Naruto, Sakura, and Anko all opted for the signature Uzushio hotsauce of gochujang. Eggs were added and everyone gathered gave their bowl a through stir before a shared salute of "itadakimasu!" over the sound of the ingredients sizzling in the still hot bowls started the meal.

"Heavenly," Anko murmured. "In a traditional manzai duo, you have a tsukkomi and a boke. The tsukkomi--"

"It's a pig and duck routine where the pig usually loses his cool," Naruto said simply.

Rindou blinked. "Ohhhhh."

Anko shook her head at Naruto. "Of course you'd know comedy around the Sphere."

"It's my art," Naruto said simply.

"So," Rindou said, warming to the idea, "it's Port and Daf. Like that bit between Pigiron Portland and Dock Daffid where Port is just trying to paint a landscape--"

"Oh! Oh! I saw that as a short before a film once!" Sakura said, bouncing up and down a little in her seat. "It was called 'Permissions'! Daf objects because his cabin is in it, right by the lake! So he erases it from the picture!"

"'But you can paint the rest,'" Naruto said offhandedly. "'I don't own that.'"

"Then Daf comes back out," Rindou said, snickering, "dressed in drag as the 'lady of the lake'!"

"And even after poor Port figures out it's Daf messing with him," Kakashi drawled with some sympathy, "he still gets pulled into Daf's madness..."

"'Dive, Zoro, dive!'" Naruto called.

"'Wait,'" Sasuke said, "'I'm not Zoro, my name is--'"

"Splash," Sakura said.

"'...Devil Fruit...'" Sasuke finished flatly, to much laughter.

"Now, there's three basic modes to a manzai," Naruto explained after sedately making a quarter of his bowl (which was a size up from everyone else’s) vanish. "One is like the 'Permissions' short-- the boke (Daffid, in this case), knows he's out of tune with the norm... and is going to keep acting as if he's right anyway, frustrating the tsukkomi's attempts to correct things. "

Rindou thought for a moment. "Are... Daf and Port considered manzai here on the Elemental Con-- sorry, Tenkairiku?"

"Among those that don't say it can't be just because it's from the East Blue Islands," Naruto agreed. "Then again, in Mizu, they'd insist that it's not manzai if the tsukkomi doesn't end up frustrated and performing violence on the boke."

"... so, another would be like in Life in Store," Rindou mused. "We're... pretty sure Daf thinks living in that trading company's warehouse is a perfectly reasonable proposition. He's not running a game or trying to annoy, he honestly thinks as long as it's in the warehouse, and he's in the warehouse, it's fine to use it without paying."

"Yes, and Portland slowly gets more and more exasperated trying to correct him," Sasuke said. "It's rather the classic form of the ... bit? Method?"

"Either works," Naruto said with a wave. "Then there's the ones I think of as tsukkomi on clean up." He smiled as Rindou took his still warm bowl and replaced it with a platter of bacon and hashbrowns. ”Thanks!"

Rindou simply gestured for him to eat. ”That last one-- that's like their Inspector Dodger bits, right?"

"Exactly," Naruto said with a nod. "The boke attempts to fill a role he doesn't fit at all, and the tsukkomi tries to control the damage. Daf plays Dodge as a man who obviously has no business being an inspector in the Naval Crimes Section, and there's Port as Sharp Aticus, quietly doing things right and seeing Daf through."

"Heh. And here I thought it was a bizarre set of sex acts," Rindou said, shaking her head.

"Darling, that was your default assumption with every second Higo term you heard."

"Let's face it, husband. Every second term you introduced me to was. Made for a fun first two years of marriage," Rindou said with a shrug.

Kakashi suddenly found the need to clear his throat.

##

"Oi, Kashi-nii," Naruto said. "Do you think Jii-jii would let me see the Forbidden Scroll again? I remembered something I didn't have a chance to learn on it, and it'd go really good with my element--"

"Naruto," Kakashi said, his intellect rapidly deducing where this was going. "Before you even think of asking Sarutobi-sama to learn the Bunshin Daibakuha, let alone seek to add wind to it-- you are to master all the tricks using the base jutsu on that scroll I gave you, understand?”

”Aw, Nii-san--”

”You only just had time to learn it when you last saw the scroll, and there are certain things your clones do that will hurt you if you attempt to do such jutsu without understanding them. And that's excluding remembering being blown up. And before adding elemental chakra to any variant, you should master a few Fuuton jutsu."

"Aw, root rot."

Kakashi sighed. "It's like when I taught you storage seals. And you do remember what happened when you didn't listen to me then, mm?"

Naruto paused in eating, and shuddered. "Hai, nii-san," came the earnest reply.

"You've never explained. What happened--" Sasuke began to ask.

"We swore a blood oath to never speak in detail of the day you seem to be referring to, Uchiha-kun," Kakashi said, his gaze intent upon the Uchiha. "If something did happen, I'm sure it was so inconsequential that the Hokage, Naruto, Ocelot and I agreed not to even classify it as a secret of Konoha."

"If any of us wrote anything down about it," Naruto intoned in a damn fine 'drone of intensity' of his own, "we have not told the others or submitted it to the official record."

"It is not spoken of," Ocelot said, poking his head from the tree shading their table. Kakashi raised the hashbrown platter for the ANBU to take one. "Oh, thank you, Sempai."

"Ever," Naruto said.

"We do not even speak to ourselves about it," Kakashi said.

"I know nothing of anything happening on the day in question," Naruto said. "Ocelot-nii?"

"Doesn't ring a bell," the ANBU agreed. "I'm not even clear what day you speak of, Naruto-kun. I'm sure if anything happened, I was not allowed to know about it. Even if I was there for it. Sempai?”

"You say something, Ocelot?"

"Nope," Ocelot said, and retreated into the tree's branches.

There was a lull in the conversation and then Rin sighed. "I can't help but wonder how Naruto's hands--"

A form vaulted over the Hatake household's fence. Grizzly slapped a folded message in front of Rin, bowed to the Hatake, and leapt away.

Rin blinked and unfolded it.

"Sarutobi-sama says it was a... a ramen related accident...?" she managed.

"Oh, I guess that answers your question, Rin-nee," Naruto said, grinning. "A ramen related accident did that to my hands."

"Indeed," Kakashi agreed. "It had to be that and not... whatever that thing that didn't happen was. A ramen related accident."

Rin turned to him in disbelief. "Kakashi, his thumbs--"

He leaned toward her, exposing his Sharingan. "Ramen. Related. Accident," he ground out. His transplanted eye may not have granted him hypnotism, but it helped convey points wonderfully.

Ocelot stuck his head out again. "Nothing. To do. With. Sealing."

As Ocelot disappeared again. Naruto turned to Anko. "Oh, oh, Nee-sensei, if we were speaking of seals, I meant to ask, my self-sealing weapons, they're so awesome, I was wondering, you said an old friend--"

"Your kukri belonged to your mother," Anko said, smiling sadly. "But her second weapon was a weapon originally from the desert lands of North East Near Red Line, Erg Atchane. It's still uncommon outside of Wind, but maybe you've heard of it. A chakram?”

”Chakram- oh! It's that throwing ring that looks like a mini version of the buhoiido a lot of the monks like to use."

”Your mother had a particular shaping ability,” Kakashi said, closing his book. ”Most Uzumaki do. Mito-sama could share her chakra so easily, without a transfusion jutsu. You mother could form chains of chakra as if breathing. She'd use it to connect her chakram to her kukri and make a sort of makeshift kusari gama. ”

"I've heard that the monks did not start taking throwing their buhoiido into account in making them until they saw a Suna nin use a chakram in battle," Sasuke noted.

"So, so where's Mom's chakram?" Naruto almost plead. Kakashi held back a sigh; the boy was far too starved of knowledge of his parents.

"We aren't sure," Anko admitted sadly. "After the Kyuubi got loose... it disappeared."

"How exactly did it get loose?" Sakura wondered. "Uzumaki Kushina-- they still teach of her in the academy's kunoichi course. Half the reason I was kicking myself when I found out who your parents are, Naruto. Some even say Sarutobi-sama considered her for Hokage... and a lot of folks say that in truth, Uzumaki and her husband ran the village together."

"It's true," Rin agreed, setting down her bowl for the first time since sitting at the table. She sighed. "Habanero-sensei and Senkou-sensei... we were blessed with two Yondaime, and it was a blessing for sure."

"So how'd two of our greatest lose hold of the Kyuubi?" Sakura pressed.

"I'm guessing the timing was not coincidence," Sasuke said in his quiet manner.

Kakashi allowed a smile to show in his brow. "Someone decided to look up what his brother forbade him."

"'To take advantage, know,'" Sasuke said, and the way he quoted the clan aphorism, Kakashi knew he was on his way to understanding it. "There was an attacker?"

Kakashi simply nodded.

"... wait, me being born made it easier to set the Fox free?" Naruto wondered.

"Do you need the 'you did not kill your parents' lecture?" Rindou asked with one raise eyebrow.

"...No," Naruto said. Rindou and her snake shared a look that told Kakashi they'd noticed it was in a tone that said 'maybe'.

Kakashi sighed. "What you have to understand is it's not that you need massive amounts of chakra to seal a tailed beast."

"Hell, Sensei once told me you can get away with containing a being at the level of the one, two, or three tailed beasts in an object and occasionally feeding chakra into the seal," Rin said. "Maybe four tails or a similarly powerful being if the material is chakra conductive."

"Indeed," Kakashi agreed. "But once we consider something on the level of the Gobi, that's not an option anymore. You need a living being to actively counter the fluxes of its chakra. The fact that this happens on the same level of function as breathing or sweating does not make it less vital."

"Pregnancy," Sakura breathed. "It's already a balancing act between the mother's needs and the child's..."

"Tsunade-sensei once told me a good pregnancy is a stalemate," Rin said with a sad smile. "If the mother's immune system wins, you have a miscarriage or stillbirth. If the child's needs win, you have a dead mother. Naruto's father and mother were seal masters, and his mother arguably had a safer pregnancy than any of the three times when Mito-sama was with child that brought the three arms of the Modern Senju into being-- yami, than any of the known female jinchuuriki. The difference is, no one attacked Mito-sama during her pregnancies-- let alone during the most vulnerable point. Labour itself."

Naruto looked to be deep in thought. "So... you're saying some arsehole was watching to see when Mom was ready to pop me out, and attacked then. Take out the Hokage and his co-Kage in all but title, and set the Fox loose. Anything that makes this a perfect combo?"

"Think back to yesterday," Anko said.

"Oh, fuck a kami and raise the offspring," Naruto grumbled. "You said it was an Uchiha."

Sasuke set down his chopsticks and closed his eyes, which Kakashi supposed was the Last Loyal Uchiha's way of screaming his rage. Sakura looked like the fact it would be rude was the only thing keeping her from shattering the table.

Kakashi sighed as Bisuke trotted over and then pressed his head under Naruto's hand. As the boy absently petted the ninken, Kakashi leaned back. "Hell of a custody battle," he noted. "It gets lost in the shuffle, but Madara and the Shodai could both control the Tailed Beasts. Mokuton just proved to be more lasting. For what it's worth, the attacker seemed to know things of Konoha but was an outsider-- the Old Man and Tsume-sama got close enough to the battle to get that."

Anko smirked. "Like that branch of the Hyuuga in the Islands of Octopon that Neji the Elder will ramble about when you get him good and sloshed."

"Of course, the rumours spread that the Uchiha here in town planned it, they were in on killing the Yondaime and the Pepper," Rin said. "Which got used as a political mochi hammer. People outside the clan tried to isolate it, people inside tried to stir up rebellion, and anything Sarutobi did both sides would try to claim as a great victory or a horrible insult. I can't help but think that outsider was hoping for that effect."

That brought a rather heavy silence.

"He's dead," Sasuke said, his voice cold in a way it'd never manage if he was going for it.

"Oi, bastard--" Naruto began.

"An Uchiha who attacks Konoha, who strikes down allies of our clan, who goes after a mother giving birth to obtain his weapon-- whoever he is, he's dead. My cousin Shisui and kaa-san would talk about missing a 'mad red head'. Your mom. A ryo will get you the bank, that was your mom."

They returned to eating in silence. No one lacked the tact to force further conversation.

0500 h. Training Ground 27c. Don't ask what happened to a and b.

"... let the green spandex fool you, he and Kashi-nii have been sparring since forever."

Sasuke gave Naruto a thoughtful frown. "Hn. I have heard Maito Gai is a bit... eccentric."

Sakura shrugged. "Kakashi-san has his 'you only think I'm ignoring you' thing, Sensei loves dango and tossing the skewers through things to make a pattern... Gai-sensei is just a bit... more boisterous with his quirks."

"Whereas here," Anko said, grinning, as they arrived at Training Ground 27c, "is Mr. Adorkable."

"Oh, hey, Anko. These your kids?"

The man had a few centimeters on Sensei, maybe a head of height. Naruto thought he had the air of someone raised if not as a nin, then at least with family who'd seen combat. He seemed to be around Kashi-nii's weight, maybe a little more body fat. Wire-rim glasses framed forest green eyes under messy brown hair. His face was... subtly different, in some way. Not East Blue blood, but something undefinable but surely not Hihon. Little things that might get the man lynched in Mizu.

"They're getting there," Anko said breezily, and Naruto scowled at her.

"We're too young for scowls, Hammer," Sasuke murmured. "It looks like a pout no matter how hard we try. Least, my mother always said-- remember?."

The tiny note of sadness in Sasuke's voice earned a smile. "I'm practicing."

"You're not equipped for it, with that baby face," Sakura noted.

"Oi, Sakura..." Naruto grumbled.

"That was low," Sasuke agreed.

"A point for me," Sakura said, smirking.

"Ahem. Introducing someone to you, minions...?"

"Sorry, Nee-sensei."

"Yes, Sensei."

"Does my point still count?"

"Sakura."

"Yes, Anko-sensei."

"Minions, this is my dear friend and fellow in the Fucked Up Sensei club, Tsume Andoryu of Team 38 better known as Team Kominaku. Andoryu, the Minions."

"Hey, Minions. Excuse me a moment," the jounin said, and turned and caught the kukri blade being swung at his head.

"Sloppy, Rei," Andoryu chided.

The attacker grinned, eyebrows rising over fine looking sunglasses. "Was it, Sensei?" He was trying to get every bit of advantage out of his height-- the dark brown haired man wasn't the tallest fucker Naruto had ever seen, but he was well above the Hi average.

This height didn't seem to be affording him much advantage. Andoryu was barely showing any effort, maybe a slight pressure allowing his chakra reinforced hands to hold off the blade. "I'd say so, wouldn't you Anko?"

Rei tilted his head slightly and his body relaxed a bit. "Anko-sempai? Oh, hi, Anko~-"

"Oh, and Gumo-chan's here too."

Three voices squealed as a dog sized spider... glomped was the word that came to Naruto's mind. The spider glomped the face of the tall fucker called Rei and his sensei effortlessly disarmed him.

"Yes," Anko noted dryly, "It was sloppy, for a chuunin angling for toukujou. Especially falling to the spider ambush."

Rei sighed. "Hey, Ringumo."

"Oh, Rei-kun! I've told you, call me Gumo-chan!"

"Right. I'm going to sing you a little song now, Gumo-chan. I just came up with it.."

"Really, just for me?"

"Oh, yes. It goes something... like this:

"Doh! Get her off me! Get her off me! Oh, no, get her off, get her off! Oh, oh Oda, oh Kite! Oh, get her off me! Oh, oh Log! Aaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Wee!" the spider summon said, as Rei ran screaming around the training ground. His just-below-the-waist auburn ponytail swung wildly and his gloved hands tried to yank the spider loose without actually touching her with his uncovered fingers. His black trench coat was cast off early in his hysterics.

"They love each other, really," Andoryu noted as he and Team Minion looked on. He turned to the forest at the edge of the training ground-- because, hey, Konoha. "You two gonna try and salvage this?"

There was some barely audible whispering--

"Should we?"

"Well, remember how I said I had plans for before she got here, but we had to take into account how Sensei acts when she is here?"

"Well, sure."

"And that once you could tell me more details on who Anko's with, I'd give my verdict on after she gets here?"

"Well... sure."

"That's likely her rumoured genin team, which increases the chance Sensei will want to impress his nee-chan by--"

"Thinker. Plain East Blue Pathos, please."

"Are you in need of a proctologist?"

"What's that got to... oh."

"Yeah. Yield?"

"Yield."

-- and two women emerged from the tree line.

"Damn," the one with red highlights in brown hair and freckles said, shaking her head.

"Yeah, I saw 99 problems, but a genin team wasn't one," the Nara said, her classically pale skin and dark hair making her clan obvious.

"Not even you can account for the Anko factor, Darkness," the freckled woman answered, her voice holding a certain musical lilt.

Naruto looked at the two. "How the fungus did an East Blue native end up a ninja? Where the rot did that spider come from? How come that lady from the other day that looks like an older female Shikamaru is here?"

Andoryu gave Naruto a smirk. "Why are you carrying the last Uchiha bridal style?"

"Same reason Sakura's clinging to Nee-sensei's head--"

"Yeah, any chance you could get down, Pinky?"

"Spider. Big, big, spider."

"--because a giant freaking spider spooked us out!" Naruto continued unabated.

"Oh, that's nothing," Andoryu said. "Gumo-chan's mum is the size of a house."

"There are bigger ones?" Sakura squealed, seeming to try to climb higher up Anko.

"Not helping, Ando-kun," Anko groaned.

"I was supposed to help?"

"I'm actually good to get down now," Sasuke said calmly. "And if anyone asks, Hammer--"

"Ramen related mania, Bastard," Naruto assured him as the Uchiha got down, then turned back to the brown haired, red highlighted, freckled woman with the accent. "You gonna answer my questions now, or do I need to bribe you with hair dye?"

"This is my natural hair colour," the East Blue woman growled back.

"... shake the other branch, there's apples," Naruto said.

"No, really--"

Sasuke frowned. "Sure, and every second Inuzuka has neatly combed hair and a formal kimono."

"It is true, that is in fact her natural hair colour," the Nara noted.

"Hah!" the Islander crowed.

"At least, it was before she started greying, " the dark-haired woman added.

"I am not going grey!"

Sakura slid down her sensei's back. "Our hair goes black as we age. Haruno clan, I mean."

The Islander blinked at her. "What, like a Sakura blossom?"

"Yeah."

"Huh."

The Nara smiled. "As I told Naruto the other day, I am Nara Kuraiko, and yes. It has been noted my cousin and I could pass as twins if I were younger. This is Kicker Aurora, and hers is an epic tail of family tragedy, enduring spirits, and wondrous recovery."

"Which can be summed up as my fraternal twin sister having Marie de Suise syndrome, deciding she wanted to be a ninja after our parents died, and dragging us here. Konoha didn't support her delusions, bada bing badda bang, faster than you can say, 'Don't Third Gear me, King Monkey!' she turned traitor and I stayed loyal."

"... I want the full epic sometime, sounds Awesome even though it must suck for you," Naruto decided.

"... that's the most fair and honest way I've ever heard that asked, and I must hug you now," Aurora replied.

Naruto sighed as she wrapped her arms around him. "Hugged by a lovely lady with a sexy accent, what a terrible fate."

"And yet you run from Rin," Sasuke deadpanned.

"She's practically related, that was practically obligatory!" Naruto insisted, waving his fist at his teammate.

It was at that point Rei rejoined them, Ringumo perched on one shoulder.

"I liked that song better than 'The Demon Spider is Eating My Brain' Rei-kun!"

"Really?" the shaded nin asked. "Invoking Kite wasn't a little overboard?"

"Oh, no. It was Awesomely melodramatic," Ringumo assured him.

"Glad to hear it. Er, Kika?"

Aurora smiled. "Yeah, Rei?"

"Why for you have a blond Genin latched to you? Hey, wait, is that--"

Andoryu smirked. "Rei, this is Uzumaki Naruto."

The shades wearing nin clasped his hands before himself and squeed. "Permission to act on information supplied by family, Sensei."

"I warn you, I have a camera," Andoryu noted.

"I warn you, I'll want copies of any photos," Rei shot back. "Ahem. Hello. I'm Oogakari Rei."

Naruto pointed at him, grinning. "Hey, really? I think your brother or something gave me the only kunai my sensei didn't send off to be melted for scrap!"

"Well, sure," Rei said, seemingly studying his finger tips. "It's the least we could do for Kushina-nee's son."

"You... knew my mom, Rei-san?" Naruto said, frowning.

"Well, sure. The Oogakari have always been a branch to stay close to the main clan--"

"Cousin!"

Ringumo leapt to Andoryu's shoulder as Rei went spinning from the jutsu any of those who were physically demonstrative of caring knew-- Glomp. The fact that Rei had stood arms open to catch the other Uzumaki while echoing him perhaps explained why this did not knock the tall man down.

##

Sakura blinked as the two Uzumaki started dancing side by side; Naruto making like he was doing a Fioren soft shoe, and Rei spinning and diving like a Kumo break dancer. "... I'm going to just wave my hand and say, 'Mah, Uzumaki!' to explain this."

"You caught on fast," Sasuke sighed, shaking his head.

"Yes!" Rei declared, extending one arm to flash a victory sign. "Not only do I get to herald in actually using our clan name, I get to tell Yukodori-jii that I didn't break our cousin's brain on contact!"

"Yay!" Naruto said, jumping around him waving his hands.

"Oh! Oh!" Rei said. "And also--" Rei started, and froze.

Naruto blinked, waved his hand before his clan mate's eyes, and frowned. Then he looked down.

"Oh. Kuraiko's doing that shadow thing-- hey, Kuraiko--"

"Cousin!" the Nara said, grabbing Naruto and spinning around as she hugged him.

Rei shook his body out as his team mate's shadow retreated and Aurora chortled. "Yeah, was going to say, she /is/ my half-sister Shinobou's cousin on the Nara side."

"What, did all the females in the village decide to glomp me today?" Naruto muttered.

"The memo went out last night," Kuraiko snarked. She frowned. "Hey, why did Rei have to hide the fact we're related, any way? Odori-jii-san just said it was yours to tell."

"Really?" Naruto mused. "I thought maybe it was just like me being a jinchuuriki, and past a certain age most people knew."

"Jinchuuriki?" Aurora wondered.

Naruto looked at his two newly found blood relatives as Kuraiko set him down.

"She's family," Rei said, suddenly dead serious. "Not like family, we took her in when Cece went AWOL."

Kuraiko nodded. "We trust her with our lives."

Naruto bit his lip, then shook his head. "I... don't know you yet..."

"A reasonable answer," Andoryu said, with a nod and a warning glance to his team.

##

0500 h. Hokage's office.

Hiruzen looked down at the missives on his desk. Naruto knowing about his parents had set certain things in motion, like those odd rectangular East Blue game pieces-- dominos-- that he had once seen young Luffy's daughter play with.

He rolled the first missive, sealed it in a scroll, and slid it into the holster that was fixed around the neck of a waiting lioness. "Travel papers for your summoner and her children. And give my regards to Kimba-sama."

"Of course, Sarutobi-sama," the young lioness agreed, and she turned to man standing beside her. "Raven-sama, please give my regards to Sabera-ba-sama."

The man smiled, scratched her head, and nodded. "Of course, little cub," he said, his Keltic accent musical. The lioness snorted at the 'cub' comment and left at a light trot. The dark haired Keltic man faced forward to find Hiruzen looking almost wistfully at the next letter.

"'The hardest par', er so you know... is knowing I must now let go,'" Raven said.

"Ah. Words of the Hound, regarding his own students," Hiruzen said, nodding. "A wise man, for all his faults."

"That he was. I've already picked up Naruto's latest for the Queen's niece, Lord Hokage."

With a sad smile, Hiruzen sealed the letter in his hands and another in the stack into scrolls. "For the High Queen Arthuria," he said, offering the first. "For the head of Clan McClane, reaffirming his nephew's travel rights."

Raven nodded, tucked both scrolls in his tunic, then gave his own sad smile. "It isn't easy, is it? Every time a new group of lads and lasses leave my side to become knights, I fear sending the wee ones off to do the very thing I'm training them for."

"Never. If it ever was, I'd fear for our souls. I've detained you long enough, Raven. Take care."

The man nodded. "Well met and well parted, Lord Sarutobi."

And in a blink, the man transformed into his namesake bird and flew out an open window.

That left one last missive.

There was a knock at the door. It opened... and Hiruzen blinked at the short figure his receptionist ushered in.

"Tony Tony-sensei. I was expecting your son," the Hokage confessed.

The humanoid reindeer, who was at this point still barely as tall as the Kage's own grandchild, bowed. "I was free, Hiruzen-sama." The greatest doctor on the Sphere frowned. "You look slightly peaked, sir. Perhaps you should see an inin."

Hiruzen chuckled at the younger being's concern. "They only tell me to do the one thing I can't. Slow down." He held up the scroll. "If you do not mind, Chopper-sensei... please give this to Nico Robin. It includes travel papers for herself and the entire crew of your captain's flag ship, besides my letter. And a request they immediately come. Right here, to Konoha itself."

The doctor reached up as Hiruzen reached over the desk to give him the scroll. He blinked a moment, then looked up at the Hokage.

"Travel papers-- sir, you mean?"

Hiruzen nodded. "It is time."

The little reindeer doctor smiled. "Finally." He nodded once. "I'll get this to the others, with all haste."

And he turned and ran into the now closed door.

"The... smaller door for summons and the like--" Hiruzen said, gesturing pointlessly.

"Is to the left," Chopper grumbled. "It's good that I'm a doctor."

##

0501 h. Nara Clan Head House.

"Because when I told Chopper-sensei why I was annoyed with you, he found himself annoyed at you."

The bluntness of his father's answer made Shikamaru swallow hard.

They sat on the front porch of the Head's house, because his troublesome mother... with deep concern in her eyes... had told him he had to talk to his father before he left today.

"I didn't realize Naruto had something so--"

Shikaku cut him off with a glare. "Shikamaru. You used my name to try and get a comrade to spill confidential information. You did not even consider that information might be vital and important. And now you've likely upset Uzumaki Naruto, just as his clan-- a clan that we Nara usually count as steadfast allies-- is seeking to tell the rest of the Gogyou Tairiku it's not dead. I will likely have to spend good part of my day sorting this out. Not merely because of the political ramifications-- that would be bad enough. Not merely out of our duty as Konoha nin to make sure we can work together. No, the main reason is that many of these people (all of whom care deeply about Naruto) happen to be my friends. Two of them are our cousins."

Shikamaru blinked. "If so many people care--"

Shikaku held up a hand. "And further, I can't even discuss the why of this all with you, because you stumbled into insulting the only person with the right to give me permission to talk about it."

Shikaku never yelled. But damn, did his voice go from drawling to flat in anger.

"And the sad part is, you'll likely just declare the matter troublesome and not fix anything yourself," Shikaku finished with a sigh. He rose from the porch.

"Tou-san," Shikamaru called.

The elder Nara paused. "You're a little old for me to have to cover your lazy thinking, Shikamaru."

And then he strode off.

##

0515 h. Hokage's tower, meeting room five.

"It was a matter of several of us having the same idea at the same time, though I think we have to give the credit to Anko-- she's trying to set up the infrastructure before coming to Hokage-sama," Inuzuka Tsume said, smirking.

The Hokage-- even without his hat-- struck the picture of authority in his official robes. A far cry from the grandfatherly professor Ebisu remembered advising Minato-sensei, though that was still there too. "There is that."

"Then... why not put Anko in charge of this?" Ebisu wondered, looking at the assembled nin. Almost the entire top tier of Konoha's command structure. The Hokage. The Go-Ikenban, his closest advisors. The rest of the Konoha Shirei-kan, the commanders of each section of Konoha's forces.

The Shirei-kan as a whole advised the Hokage, but the Go-Ikeban were his council of second thought, there to keep him from forgetting the people he served as well as ruled.

"There might be conflict of interest charges, as she was appointed as sensei to Team Seven first."

That was Mitokado Homura, who oversaw the prosecutors civilian and ninja as the Shunin Kenji and knew the law like a Konoha nin knew the layout of the rooftops.

Utatane Koharu, ANBU Hanchou (here masked, so he made note to call her Fox while it was on), cleared her throat. "As well, she is not aware of all that is available to her," Fox said gently.

And it was scary how many ANBU under her command did not realize they were under the charge of the stern, squinty-eyed elder until after they left the Ansatsu Senjutsu Tokushu Butai.

"Besides," Shimura said, voice with just a hint of rebuke in it, "it is best she focus on Team 7 as intended, if that is the way... those three are to be trained."

Ebisu didn't think the clerk taking down minutes or two of the ANBU openly guarding were in the dark, so he'd have to compose himself appropriately. He cast a worried, appealing look to the Hokage.

"If you have nothing to say directly, old friend..." the Hokage said with a hint of annoyance.

"The matter has been addressed," Shimura conceded, meeting Sarutobi's gaze evenly.

Shimura Danzou. He was officially there as a simple member of the Go-Ikenban (members of that council need not hold a command post). He was unofficially there so the Hokage could keep an eye on his one time friend and now thorn in his side. It was most certainly not because he was Yami, the head of Konoha's darkest division.

"Shimura-sama, Hokage-sama?" Kakashi drawled.

"Ah, you are correct Kakashi," Sarutobi agreed. "As you are now Hosensei-- along with all the paperwork that comes with it--"

--here, the three eldest shinobi did nothing to hide their looks of mirth and Fox let out a brief "ohohoho" of laughter--

"-- Ebisu is directly under your command. We are simply here to establish the position."

Hatake Kakashi, Hosensei. Only Ebisu's sempai could get away with so off-handedly getting his betters back on task.

"Indeed," Taka Enji said. The head of the Jouhou smiled his ever present smile, the one that could make you swear he was a civilian. "To that end. The Jouhou has checked Jounin Hiruko Ebisu for all clearances relative to his new position. He is the equal of them all. And Ibiki says he's passable, so that clears him with the intelligence side of things."

Jounin. That was still giving Ebisu a buzz of happiness. Ebisu noticed Taka's smile gain a quality of gentle amusement. His betters evidently could see how much the promotion meant to him.

Taka was the one dubbed the Laughing Phoenix by the Queen of Kells, which became Fenikkusu o Waraimasu in Konoha's dialect of Higo. Ebisu privately thought the 'phoenix' part of the name wasn't properly translated because it amused the Hawk Sage.

Nara Shikaku, Jounin Hanchou, looked slightly annoyed. That was...cause for concern. Ebisu hoped it was merely a family matter. Nara's next statement seemed to agree with that hypothesis. "Jounin Hiruko is well qualified for his position."

Inuzuka Tsume, Oinin Hanchou, sitting side by side with the Acting KeiBu Hanchou Hyuuga Kazushi, inclined her head slightly. "He's good."

Ebisu felt it ridiculous that Kazushi insisted on the "acting" part of the title. Especially since so many assumed that Hiashi somehow (all by himself) ran all things Uchiha related. The man already managed to be head of the Hyuuga clan, Sesshou of the Uchiha, head of the Fox Festival Decorating Committee, and was basically married to the head of another clan that ran the village's hunter's. How the hell was he supposed to run a hidden village's police force too? "Neither the Oinin nor the KeiBu find anything too questionable in his records," the Hyuuga related.

Yakushi Taichi, Inin Sensei. A good man, caring husband, and doting father on the adopted son his wife had brought to their marriage. Yakushi-sensei smiled at Ebisu, then turned to Kakashi. "He's clear, get the bastard out of here."

"Don't forget to file the paperwork accepting him under your command, Kakashi," Mitokado said with a dry smirk.

"I thank the Hokage and most honourable advisors for all they have given me," Kakashi drawled. "And note that I know the junior members of the Go-Ikenban have nothing to do with part of that, and thus shall be spared the most direct forms of my thanks."

Shimura blinked, a mild look of concern crossing his face until he composed himself. Mitokado gave a nervous laugh. Fox's masked face turned slightly away. The Hokage-- Sarutobi-sama actually looked eager to see what was to come.

Hatake Kakashi was probably on the short list of people who could openly declare their intent to prank the Kage and his old teammates and rival and get away with it. In fact, Ebisu mused, as Kakashi rose and gestured for him to follow to a smaller briefing room, he probably was the shortlist-- not even Naruto would give Sarutobi-sama or others in that heady tier of skill a warning.

"You'll go easy on them, I hope, Sempai?" Ebisu said just loud enough as Kakashi opened the door to the conference room.

"Mah. He's a kage, they're at his level, they can take it."

"Koha-chan," he heard Shimura begin as the door shut.

"He'll just find the breakables wherever I hide them, dear," Utatane answered with a sigh.

Ebisu held his laughter until they arrived in the briefing room.

"Damnit, Man-Down," Ebisu gasped. "that was beautiful!"

"I thank you," Kakashi said, trademark lazy-drawl back. "Now. Firstly, as was said back there, congratulations on your promotion to jounin. Your next pay deposit will reflect a raise for rank and the teacher's premium. You are now tied for second highest paid teacher with my assistant Iruka. The promotion is mainly so we can pay you what the post is worth, and since every sensei beneath you is a full jounin. It was felt asking them to obey a tokujou was pushing it."

Ebisu nodded, smiling. "I think Suzume-chan may finally be willing to have kids, with that in our budget."

"Oh? was that the budget she was insisting on?"

"No, only about a quarter of it, but that's usually when I can make her see reason," Ebisu reflected. "But, that is another matter. Sarutobi-sama mentioned resources?"

Kakashi pointed to a map already rolled out on the table. "Do you know this area?"

Checking the map, Ebisu smiled. "That's the field Kushina-sensei and Minato-sensei often took us to train."

"Remember what's under it?"

Ebisu thought a moment, then nodded. "The old bunkers from before Konoha expanded, yes. You would have the genin based there?"

"To start," Kakashi said. "The plan is to make the rookie twelve into a mission pool. Meaning as they gain ranks, they will help mentor another wave of genin, or even be appointed to the command staff of other pools as we start them. Each pool will have its own base."

Ebisu frowned. "Anko's giving her kids a week, correct?"

"That was the plan."

Ebisu took out a sheet of paper, scrawled something on it, and pushed it over to Kakashi. "Mind signing off on that, Boss?"

Kakashi read the paper. He chuckled, and added his scarecrow-shaped chop beside the kanji for Ebisu's name that surrounded a fishing- rod shaped ideogram. "Those kids are going to hate her. And us."

"Meh. It gets me six more days including their off day to set this up. I take it I'm to put these kids through the grinder?"

"You're the master of basics," Kakashi said with a shrug. "Give them the basics until they're locked in."

"Grinder it is. Budget?"

0630 h

"So, before we begin, let's see where we are," Anko said seriously. "What chakra control exercises do you know?"

"Why's Kageko here?" Naruto asked warily.

"Kageko's going to go to Kakashi-nii and tattle on how badly the nasty Academy-sensei screwed the min-nins over!" the snake said happily.

Naruto smiled. "Oh, okay. Well, see... we were taught as a class to do leaf sticking and spinning, right? But... er..."

"Hammer," Sasuke said, grabbing a leaf and a pebble from the ground.

"Right. So. After the fifth time this--" Naruto raised the leaf to his forehead and almost the instant it touched, it tore out of his hand and flew across the yard behind Team Seven's current abode. It slapped into a training post, which it stuck to for three breaths before sliding down-- "happened, Iruka-sensei took me aside and told me to do this instead." Naruto held the pebble to his head and slowly smiled as it stuck there, his brow creased in concentration. Then, with a quiet "Dang it," it fell off. "Now that I think of it, the arsehole sensei was there too, and made a big point of how hard the stone thing would be."

"He pulled the same thing after Iruka noticed that sticking and spinning leaves came easy to me," Sakura grumbled, "except he pulled me aside to do it one on one. And so of course I dutifully stuck to what came easy."

Sasuke looked at both his teammates, and shook his head. "Iruka had an uphill battle, dealing with him. Tou-san... added basic elemental training to build me up to performing my clan's Katon jutsu. I was directed to make leaves crinkle and then burn. At Academy, though..." Sasuke's lips tightened. "I couldn't help but notice no less than six of the bastards suggesting the stone exercise to me independently, Mizuki included. It got to the point that Iruka would check if someone else had suggested something to me first, just to make sure he wasn't annoying me." He gave a small laugh. "Man has the patience of a Sennin or Sifu."

Anko nodded slowly. "The official curriculum stopped at leaf spinning, then?"

Sakura hummed agreement. "As far as I remember, that was the standard. It wasn't something we were really tested on or required to practice to pass, either."

Anko gave another nod. "Kageko, go stir up trouble."

##

0635 h

"Leaf spinning," Kakashi said.

"It's... standards have shifted in my time here," Mako said. She glanced at Kageko. The snake summon's head was inclined in... anticipation?

"I see," the Copy-nin said flatly. And he seemed... underlit for a moment, the way the shadows fell on his face. "Please excuse me a moment."

And Hatake Kakashi stepped into a nearby cleaning supply closet.

Six minutes of very rude Higo followed, accompanied by-- well, they'd need new brooms. And mops. And mop buckets.

"Kashi-nii's reacting better than Kageko was hoping," the snake reflected dolefully.

"Hate to see him take it badly," Mako mused, noting that they'd better add a sink to that order.

##

0639 h

Team Punishment arrived to see the Minions looking up at their sensei. Tenten had to admit, they made a cute sight. Anko was standing upside-down on a tree branch. Naruto was bouncing from foot to foot, Sasuke seemed to think staring at Anko long enough would reveal the secrets to this trick, and Sakura just smiled.

"Okay, okay, Nee-sensei!" Naruto said impatiently as the others arrived. "Now, show us how you did that!"

"Actually, before you do that," a voice said, "We need to address something more fundamental... rather... basic actually."

Naruto stilled. "That voice!" He turned toward its source and pointed with great drama. "You!"

"Indeed," the figure said, emerging from the trees with a scroll in hand.

"Basics Kill!" Lee announced, wiping a manly tear from his eye.

"The Manly half of Manly and Cat!" Tenten cried, clasping her hands before her and smiling broadly.

"The Technician," Neji said, with a bit of respect in his voice.

"Ero-Sakana!" was Naruto's judgement.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "'Fishy Pervert', grade A, I'm sure Boar's very proud." She bowed to the new arrival. "Hiruko-san."

There was a beat, and then Sasuke said, "Oh, Suzume-sensei's husband."

"The title I am proudest of," Ebisu noted.

"What are you doing here?" Naruto said, frowning thoughtfully at the man.

"To help," Ebisu said simply. "Naruto... you have never managed the standard Bunshin, correct?"

Naruto groaned. "No. What's that got to do with Tree Walking?"

"Ah. Allow me these visual aides," Ebisu said, setting down the scroll. It unrolled and unsealed in one smooth motion, prompting a muttered "Show off," from Anko.

Ebisu indicated the set of three buckets and a tea cup, arranged by size. He made two seals and water filled the largest of the vessels. "Now. Let's use a fair example. This large bucket--"

"Almost a barrel," Lee noted. "Er, sorry, Ebi-sensei."

"No, you are correct, Rock-kun. It is barely a bucket. And it is standing in for a typical Uzumaki's Chakra reserves. For a comparison, this fire bucket from the Academy is the average adult nin's chakra reserves."

Naruto blinked at the fire bucket. "That's barely a sixth the size of the big one! I have that much more than average?"

Ebisu nodded. "You, your cousins, your mother, your... elders-- all Uzumaki can at least be compared to this large bucket by the time they turn 12. Neji is about at the fire bucket. For further perspective, this children's sandbox bucket is about where most of you are now. It can also represent the amount of chakra to make one of Naruto's Kage Bunshin."

There was a moment's silence. "So," Tenten finally said. "Everyone but maybe Neji is waiting a bit to learn that one."

There was good natured laughter and Ebisu gave one of his nicer smiles. "Indeed, Emiya-chan. Sixty eight percent of those given the chance never manage it, and a small percentage are at risk of death if they attempt it repeatedly. That is why it is on the Forbidden scroll; it was originally an Uzumaki clan hijutsu, and then a shared secret of Konoha and Uzushio. Now this smaller bucket can also represent an attack jutsu or other jutsu that can take a lot of chakra, and the fire bucket the most extreme cases, or even collaboration jutsu. The tea cup can be seen as a camping or low level ijutsu. This is what happens when Neji or those in his capability needs to fuel each."

With a few seals, Ebisu guided enough water from the fire bucket to perfectly fill each smaller vessel to an acceptable "carrying volume" in its target. "As you see," Ebisu said, gesturing to refill the larger bucket, "the Hyuuga arts that so value chakra control serve him well. They use exactly what they need to use the jutsu, mm? Now, Naruto's cousin Rei-- who will not appear out of nowhere unless he wants several Thousand Years of Pain..."

"I'll be good!" Rei cried from somewhere in the distance.

Ebisu rolled his eyes.

"Stop that, I will!"

"Ahem. Your tall cousin will be the first to admit his control is slightly below average. Here's what him performing the same jutsu is like."

This time, the fire bucket was perfectly filed from the near barrel, the children's bucket was filled to the brim, and the teacup overflowed, splash back actually making it a little less full this time.

Naruto blinked. "Er, Ebisu..."

"Yes...?" Ebisu asked with a raised eyebrow.

"What am I doing?"

Ebisu smiled, refilled the big bucket, and gestured.

The resulting trio of gushes managed to mostly fill the second largest bucket, half fill the toy bucket, knock over the tea cup and thoroughly wet the ground.

The genin blinked. Sakura slowly closed on the largest bucket.

"Ebi-sensei..."

"Yes, Sakura-chan?"

"That was... about half the 'Uzumaki' bucket."

"Correct."

She looked at Naruto (who was in his classic hand at back of neck bashful pose), then at the bucket.

Tenten frowned. "Ebisu-sensei... You're saying not only does Naruto tend to use too much chakra... all of it isn't even feeding the jutsu? It's... wasted?"

"Indeed."

Sakura said. "Would... the tea cup... be the Academy Bunshin, then?"

"Oh, Kami and Log, no, my dear sweet girl," Ebisu said, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a water balloon. "Genjutsu is even more fun. They require a certain... finesse, as they are lacking the physical component. Hold this open for me?"

Sakura pouted. "First, promise to teach me a drying jutsu right after."

"Once I've had my fun, yes," Ebisu agreed.

Sakura dutifully held the balloon open.

"And just to avoid being over dramatic, let's say the second biggest bucket... this standard fire bucket... is the chakra he's gathered for the Bunshin."

The balloon burst even with only half the water entering it, the rest splashing Sakura and the ground around her.

"That jutsu?" Sakura prompted.

"Oh, but you're still training, and training's always fun," Ebisu countered.

"His words... have logic..." Naruto admitted.

"I see," Sakura said flatly. Then she smiled. "Ebi-sensei, what's Rock Lee like, then?"

Ebisu frowned thoughtfully, then nodded, pulling out another water balloon that Sakura held with the grace of the already soaked. It was carefully filled. "Notice, Rock Lee technically is closer to the 'adult' bucket than the 'genin' bucket, but I don't have a balloon with me that can hold that. This water balloon actually may better model how chakra moves in a body, in a way--"

He blinked as he was dowsed. He gave Sakura a wry smile as she picked the explanation up. "That was like releasing chakra from a tenketsu when at capacity; natural pressure was enough to push it out." She knotted the balloon. "Even tied shut, the balloon still loses water because it has to be flexible. Even Lee releases some chakra." She began to squeeze it. "But when he pushes it--"

The balloon popped, further soaking Ebisu and herself.

Ebisu pursed his lips. "Ram seal, focus the chakra across your skin imagining a gentle breeze."

"Thanks, Ebi-sensei!" Sakura said, smiling.

Naruto thought a moment, then pouted. "I gather too much, and don't even use it all right. Does this mean I can't tree walk?"

Ebisu patted his head. "Most Uzumaki in your position learn the Kage Bunshin much sooner. Get some room, with plenty of trees, and catch up on your training."

"And drink your milk!" Rei said, popping up beside Ebisu.

"Gah!" cried most of the genin. Anko merely turned to Gai and rolled her eyes.

"I have pre-summoned my cat, who will now treat you as he would an oversized yarn ball," Ebisu said, snapping his fingers.

"Yeah, that's faiiiiiirrrolog BIG MEAN FISHING KITTIE! Running! This is my running away song! So the Fisherman's Kitty doesn't--”

”Pounce of Doom!”

”OH ARGH SHARP CLAWS! Oh sweet Shodai why do I never see the obvious consequences to my actions!"

"First Bull when he was a child, then the slugs that one time and yours and his sensei's partners..." Gai sighed.

"What is it with that boy and summons?" Anko wondered.

##

0650 h

"This is actually rather obvious, now that I see it," Kakashi admitted, setting the decree he had been studying on his new desk.

When he found out the bastards had transformed a classroom too small for current class sizes to another place to lay about, he claimed it as his office, granted Iruka the one he'd originally been assigned (a slight upgrade for Ekou), and made Iruka's old office into some much needed supply space.

He and the dolphin had also broken ten noses and directed the one chuunin who'd not taken this with good grace to compulsory counselling with Ibiki.

Being Hosensei was proving to be more fun than he expected. Almost enough that he didn't miss the extended cuddle time with his wife.

Almost.

"A lot of paperwork and declarations from that period haven't really been sorted through," Hyuuga Kazushi related. The KeiBu's leader (Kakashi wasn't going to indulge the Hyuuga's delusions of being a place holder even in his own mind) sighed. "But this, I remembered because the use of skills taught by us puts it back under the Hokage's right to sentence."

"He discovers a string of robberies by genin washouts.... so Sensei moves the tree climbing exercise to the genin squad level." Kakashi turned to Mitokado Homura. "Are we sentencing them as civilian thieves?"

Homura leaned back and smiled. "What are you thinking?"

Kakashi sighed. "That for all his graces, Minato-sensei could be slow to punish. Even if the arseholes had it coming. If you use professional tools to do the job, you serve the professional time. I'm going to reinstate tree climbing at the academy level... provided your prosecutors agree to requesting a doubling of sentences to be served at the Volcano, pending Hokage-sama making it mandatory."

Homura slowly nodded. "Sign off on your policy change and a recommendation to the Kensatsu Toukyoku. I'll approve it, and send a further recommendation from my office to Hiruzen, including a copy of your recomendation with Kazushi's endorsement."

Kakashi pulled out a pen and in his neatest scrawl began to compose what was requested.

"Mitokado-sama, I would suggest we ask Inuzuka-sama to do so as well," Kazushi suggested. "If we're sentencing them as nin, we'll have to back it by sending oinin alongside KeiBu when retrieving them."

"Agreed," Homura said, then looked at Kakashi. Kakashi suddenly realized he had paused in his writing-- thankfully, lifting pen from paper and preventing the whole thing from being ruined.

"Just... musing on the right wording," he excused himself.

Homura gave him a wan smile. "It is more than alright to decide your sensei was wrong, Kakashi-kun. Were Minato alive, he would be learning that fact with you as I did alongside young Enji."

"I know. I've seen Rin with hers," Kakashi said.

Homura considered him a moment, then nodded. "Ah."

Trust the lawyer to see what was unsaid in a testimony.

Rather his sensei here, regardless of his reaction.

##

0700 h

"You've had your hugs today!" Naruto groused, ducking behind Sasuke and grabbing his arms. "Back! I have an emo, and I'm not afraid to ask him about his haiku!"

"I also write free verse," Sasuke said, deadpan firmly in place, "and I'm not afraid to use it."

Rin ruffled their hair on the way past. "I've had my fun with you today, and I've met the Keltic bard Smith of Eiren."

"Oh, wow," Naruto mused, emerging from his 'cover'.

"The one that wrote a song about his love being in a coma?" Sasuke mused.

"And that's one of his happier ones," Sakura said, shaking her head.

"Pleasant fellow, actually," Rin reflected. "Anko."

"Rin," Anko greeted the inin warily.

"Hakumei... may have recommended I introduce Sakura to someone," Rin said, smiling in apology.

Anko rubbed her face. "Why do I feel a headache coming on...?"

Sakura frowned at them. "Who is it? Members of Hakumei's clan... er... herd?"

Rin gave the pink haired girl a smile. "Yes, horses use herd, but most summons accept clan as well. Actually there's a few horse summon contracts, each linked to a different herd. And while they all pledge allegiance to their Diarchs with a few exceptions, each contract is headed by one of their sennin. Hakumei is the Sennin of Jutsu and Friendship. Her friends the Apples are lead by the Sage of Hard Work and Honesty, Applejack-- her summoner is from Sphere's End, named Megan. The sages all tend to respect the bonds of Friendship, so if one of Applejack's clan can help us and Megan isn't calling on them, they'll come. And Hakumei... well, she thought one of her fellow Sennin and her associates--"

"Hello, Konoha-nin."

Anko's face fell as she turned. "You didn't."

Naruto was all smiles. "Oh, cool."

The woman had pink hair, not the cherry blossom pink of Sakura, but a more vivid tone one might associate with candies and cakes. It was... poofy was the best term Sakura could come up with. Her skin was closer in tone to Sakura's hair, and she stood clad in a towel before a shower and bath Sakura knew damn well had not been there a moment ago. Their training yard held no such amenities.

"Look at yourself," the woman commanded, "now back to me, now back at yourself, now back... to me."

Sakura would later wonder why she had felt compelled to follow the woman's (mare's?) orders.

"Sadly, you are not the Horse Sennin of Laughter. But if you learn to be as self accepting as I am, you can tap the power of Laughter. Look down!"

"Rot," she heard her sensei curse, and Sakura knew she was not the only one in the woman's thrall.

"Back up, where are you?" In the brief pause that the woman gave them to consider the question, her towel flew away, revealing a blue bikini top and a pair of jean shorts. And she now held a glass mug. "You’re at a party on the roof of the Hokage tower with the Sennin of Laughter. Hiruzen."

The Hokage passed by, clinking his saucer with her mug. "Pinkie. Delightful," he said in passing as he strode on to mingle with the crowd now gathered atop his work place. Sarutobi Hiruzen seemed positively unphased by suddenly being at a party being held by an associate of one of his subordinate's summons... but then, he was Sarutobi Hiruzen.

"Always. What’s in your hand, Haruno-chan?" Sakura barely had a moment to look down at her hands before the woman snapped, "Back at me! I have it, it’s a green tea cupcake, your favourite."

"How did you know--" Sakura began.

"Look again, the cupcake is in your mouth--" and with a toss, it was, at perfect depth to bite into and not choke on even as something fell from above to replace it--"and in my hands is now my Mark Five Party Cannon." The woman-- 'Pinkie', the Hokage had called her, which sounded East Blue or maybe Keltic-- pointed said device skyward and to the delight of the crowd small cakes, candies, and confetti rained down on them as this 'Pinkie' dropped her cannon. "Anything is possible when you've got the power of Laughter. I’m on a horse."

And indeed, she was. A mint green one.

"And she is one!" said that horse (pony? Sakura was unsure what fit their kind better) before a pair of mechanical arms extended from the saddle Pinkie sat on (had to be a seal involved there) with hands that held a whistle. The mint horse blew a jaunty little tune.

"Indeed, Lyra. Indeed. Hakumei has suggested you need my wise and ever so delightful council, Haruno-kun-- Naru-kun, why are you trying to steal Sasu-kun's mochi?"

"He's hoarding all the nut-butter-filled ones, Pinkie-san," the Uzumaki explained plaintively.

Pinkie looked at Sasuke, hair going flat for an instant. "I had tomatoes from Shy-san's garden for you. I don't now."

Sasuke's forlorn look was almost comical.

Sakura, swallowing her current mouthful of cupcake, looked to her sensei, and said, "Well, Pinkie-sama, I am grateful for the offer--"

She found herself gathered up and plopped in front of Pinkie on the other horse's back-- Lyra, Sakura dimly noted. The sennin summon's hair turned poofy again with the sound of an inflating set of Keltic bagpipes. "Excellent! Now, Sakura-- we can call you Sakura, right, there's not another name you'd prefer, like Asuka or Rin Mark II or Shaggy 2 Dope...?"

And the genin found herself riding a horse (pony?) that trotted cheerfully down the side of the Hokage's tower.

##

"I had a day scheduled, Rin," Anko groused.

"Yeah, it just got Pinkied."

"...how did we get up here...?"

"... Pinkie."

"That's... not any explanation."

"It's the only one I've ever got."

"Well... if you're down one already..."

Anko slowly turned to the figure that emerged from the mingling crowd. The fox clinked glasses with the monkey he'd been chatting with. Even today, there was a slight head skip when Anko noticed the front paws of Fox summons were as likely hands as paws. "Later, Gohan. "

"I'll ask Jii-san about that thing for ya, Ichi."

"Ichimaru,” Anko sighed, ”are you planning to steal Naruto?"

”I... already have," the fox drawled with an impish grin. And sure enough, beside him stood a blinking Naruto.

"Wow. He is fast," the blond muttered.

"Yeah, so... stealingyourgeninforfoxstuffhe`llcomebackinonepieceIthinkcan`tpromiseanythingbyebyesnow!"

Anko bowed her head. "Yeah, it figures." She turned slowly to her third charge. "You don't have any summons waiting in the wings, do you Broody?"

"If one of my brother's crows deemed to show up, rest assured it would not be a pleasant chat."

"Goodie. Gai-kun, borrowing your genin!"

Gai smirked. "You know, An-koi, Ningame-sama's brother has been a bit bored lately..."

Anko grinned. ”Even better. Bertie!” She slammed a bloodied palm to the ground.

”Sensha!”

"Oh, crap,” Tenten muttered.

Anko smiled. "Sasuke. The snake is Bertha,” she said, "and this is her buddy Sensha."

"Hello," Bertha said, voice a deadpan Anko swore she saw Sasuke flush with jealousy over.

Sensha just smiled slightly and nodded.

She saw Sasuke take in Neji's sudden ready stance, Tenten's panicked attempt to get armed, and Rock Lee's far too eager grin. "And they are here to...?"

"They're gonna help us train your evasion," Anko said, as she drew kunai and Gai assumed a ready stance.

"Yeah. I get to play dodge the giant snake and turtle while my teammates learn arcane secrets-- the turtle just took flight. Did-- that happened, right? The turtle took off--"

"Move!" Tenten roared, grabbing Sasuke. She tossed their puzzled kohai to Rock Lee, and the citizens of Konoha were treated to a giant snake and a flying turtle chasing a group of genin down the Hokage tower and toward the training grounds.

Nothing too out of the ordinary.

Anko met Gai's eyes and they shared a grin.

Anko licked her kunai. "Darling, do you ever think you have too much fun with this 'sensei' thing?"

Gai cracked his knuckles. "An-koi... I have to deal with Neji."

"Point. Shall we be off?"

##

0710 h, on the roof of a certain genin team's current headquaters

"Got any threes, fox boy?"

"Go fish, human scum."

"Hah! Got what I wanted."

"Dang, kid, third time. So, your mom put a copy of our contract in your seal. I'm just following her last order until you say different. Your dad gave us, the toads, the horses and the turtles copies of the key to the damn thing if it needs adjustment, and Kakashi's pack can get ahold of someone who has another, if need be."

"Good thinking, multiple back ups. So, should I try summoning sometime soon?"

"Yeah, I'm sure Mom, Ozzy-jii, the others would like to meet you. Check on Oyaji... bastard's likely sleeping in there. It's the same seals for any summon, Boar, Dog, Bird, Monkey, Ram, it's the blood and contract that decides what. You've got both already."

"Cool. Uh... Daimyos."

"Here--"

"I'm out!"

"Geez. 31 out of sixty?"

"Pick your game."

"Go!"

"Cool!"

"Dang it."

[Redacted], [Redacted]

"So what's this?" Mizuki said, sneering at the woman before him.

Ibiki's secretary simply picked a syringe from the tray beside the chair. "Your sentence."

Mizuki's eyes widened in panic. He tried to struggle, but he was both strapped down and restrained by seals. "The Hokage--"

"Toji Mizuki, you have been determined to be guilty of breaking the Jinchuuriki Confidentiality Law and the Sandaime's Amendment thereof. The Hokage has ordered your death."

Then she carefully inserted the needle into one of the veins in the traitor's neck.

Almost as an afterthought, she added, "The chosen method is tetrodotoxin at three times LD-50."

Mizuki barely had time to go wide eyed as the neurotoxin was injected. He was receiving a dose at three times the level fifty percent of recipients died. Overkill for field work. Within moments, his diaphragm froze as the chosen chemical simply stopped his nerves from signalling it to work. Respiratory failure set in, and over the next few moments the medical seal showed Mizuki's body shut down as it starved of oxygen.

Finally (though really, not that long later), the seal registered brain death.

"The execution of the prisoner has been carried out," Ibiki's secretary announced to the two nin in the room as witnesses. They were chosen at random, supposedly. Though the fact they were Umino Iruka and Hyuuga Kou made her think someone in clerical was feeling vengeful.

Iruka looked at his childhood friend and shook his head, as if wondering how they had gotten here. Kou deactivated his bulging doujutsu after a moment.

"His chakra system is as dead as the rest of him," the Hyuuga confirmed.

That was an interesting fact about tetrodotoxin-- it also blocked the chakra system if fed the slightest bit of medical chakra.

All toxins and poisons used for execution of nin had a chakra component.

"Thank you, Hyuuga-san," Ibiki's secretary said. "The corpse shall be used to test the edge of one of the Hokage's swords."

She nodded to the witnesses. "Thank you for your presence here today."

The two men nodded back. Iruka paused at the door. "I can... handle notification...?" the Hosensei's assistant offered.

Ibiki's secretary reached down and grabbed a scroll, which she brought over to him. "I meant to ask. Thank you."

Iruka simply nodded and left.

Ibiki's secretary turned back to the cooling body in the chair. Soon, the Hokage's body disposal unit would come and pick it up. One would perform the ceremonial dismemberment, and the remains would be cremated by way of dumping them in the volcano by their harshest prison.

"Justice is served," the blue haired woman said, allowing herself the smallest smile.

Given Naruto was part of a rather select group that made Ibiki laugh out loud, she was inclined to be a bit vindictive herself with the people that fucked with him.

If it allowed her a bit of vengeance of her own on their Kage's traitor of a student, so be it.

##

0745 h. In a secret room that was in no way loaned to them by a certain elder...

"So... you and Hakumei-sama are... 'Alicorns'..." Sakura mused.

"Yep-dup," the pink haired mare in human form said, nodding eagerly and pausing in eating her slice of cake. This time, the gesture was accompanied by the sound of a cowbell. "See, there's two ways you can go when you've reached the pinnacle of your abilities among the ponies. Alicorns, like Ha-chan, me, our friend Cary Flutter, Cary's husband Emp... we kinda hit the point where what we live our lives for drives us to hit that 'Sage Barrier', as Ha-chan puts it. To go further in what you're learning, you have to take that extra step. You may not become a sage, but you've hit the point some call 'First Origin'."

"That's what the magi of North Far Redline call shizen chakra," Sakura mused. "Chakra from the world around us."

"Exactly," Lyra said. She had also adopted the form of a human. Surprisingly, while her hair was green, her skin was rather a perfectly human skin tone. She looked vaguely Keltic. "Now, merely tapping it doesn't make you a sage. I'm not a sage. But just tapping it to a great enough degree changes you. Those that get exposed to that amount almost always touch that First Origin during a life changing event. In an alicorn's case, the shizen chakra grants traits from the other tribes-- sub-species-- of horse. It broadens their physical capabilities a bit so they can embody the ideal they follow more fully."

"And then there are ponygons, like Applejack, or Ha-chan's husband, our friends Dash and Rarity, and dear old Lyra here," Pinkie continued.

Lyra gave her an ‘oh, stop’ handwave and turned away, blushing.

"No, no, accept your awesomeness," Pinkie chided. "Now, while the way it sounds like another word from your world's nation of Fiore-- paragon-- is a coincidence, it does mean something similar. Lyra here, and the others mentioned, use their natural talents to the point that the shizen boosts those, re-enforcing the very talents they use to be so notable. Earth Ponies like I used to be tend to-- you'd say our Natures, our Seishitsu tend toward Earth, Water, and Plant. My friend Jackie, who Rin mentioned? She's rather like your Shodai was said to be. She walks by, and the land gets more fertile. Trees bloom. Ponygons and alicorns are to the Horses what dragons are to the reptiles and amphibians."

"What was yours?" Sakura asked, accepting another set of filled mochii from the Sennin. "What pushed you two to tap the shizen chakra?"

Lyra smiled. "My first summons was before I joined Pinkie's herd-- I'd gotten permission from Princess Celestia to put out a solo contract. Humans fascinate me, you see. And Tai... she was a puppeteer, from Suna?" At Sakura's nod, the transformed horse went on. "I learned so much from her. Also a master of Doton, which suited me. My second summoner was a Bard of Barsaive. He gave me my adult name, Lyra. Part way through our time together, a Theran took offense to his songs and decided he had every right to cut off Tom's hands. Given we were in Kells, the local lord likely would have argued the point even if he hadn't been a stand up guy-- but Lord Xanatos was, and that Theran bastard was dead in a week."

"You tapped the shizen chakra fighting the lord?" Sakura prompted.

Lyra shook her head. "No, dear child. I tapped that when I used what Tai had taught me to replace Tom's hands."

Sakura blinked. "I've... heard of puppetry based prosthetics..."

"Some who met him after thought that the stories Tom had lost his hands were rumours," Lyra said, a hint of pride in her voice. "I couldn't save him during Barsaive's final war with Thera... but 'he died defiant to the end/ that man who played on our victory'."

"Sounds like they wrote a few songs about him," Sakura noted. She looked at Pinkie. "And you...?"

Pinkie's hair didn't deflate this time. It sort of... uncurled. "You're old enough to understand, dear blossom, that laughter can be as cruel as it can be joyful."

Sakura frowned. "I've... given and gotten both kinds."

"We all do, eventually," Pinkie admitted. "My... ascension came when the hometown I share with Hakumei and the other Sages of Harmony was attacked. Hakumei was visiting our princesses; Jackie had been summoned by Megan's father, Roland... Rarity got the children to safety. Cary and her Husband mustered our militia, including their son. My godson actually, Líomóid Rush."

"He was attacked?" Sakura prompted, thinking to the time her older brother had come home with a slash across his face from a suspect that thought herself above the KeiBu's notice.

Pinkie smirked. "He's a soldier, like half his siblings and their father. Of course he was on the frontlines. That in itself... I'd seen him fight before. Fought beside him."

"What was different?" Sakura asked.

"Well, the leader of the opposing force had never decided eating the son of one of our heroes would teach us uppity horses our place nicely before," Pinkie said with a nasty grin. "And that... monster was bearing down on the stallion who's called me Aintin Pinkie since he was a colt. When I saw that pretender, that false dragon making to eat my Lemon... I reached deep inside and far beyond myself. I used all the joy of Laughter to inspire our troops to charge forward and make where Líomóid stood the new line that no enemy should pass... and I unleashed all the cruelty that Laughter can bring upon Manda."

"... that's... Orochimaru's boss summons," Sakura said, blinking.

"Yes," Pinkie said, and her smile was mean, and cruel, and perfect. And Sakura... found she was returning it.

"Good for you."

"Gamabunta said the same when he came to help. That True Dragon saw my wings form as I dove from the flying machine Manda's son destroyed. He said it was the most wonderfully scary thing he ever saw. We both gave that fuck scars that day."

"You called him a false dragon," Sakura noted. "So... dragons... huh. That makes sense, then... a toad like Gamabunta and a salamander like Igneel both share the title..."

"Because to the reptiles and amphibians, it's like being an alicorn or ponygon," Lyra agreed. "Manda claims the title, but has never mastered First Origin to the point to truly catalyze the change. Though he's tried to force it with seal work... like how his summoner seeks to achieve his goals, it's a sloppy, half flanked mess. You can be born this way-- hay, Hakumei's daughters are a ponygon and an alicorn. Her adopted son was born a dragon, too."

"... is he the one contracted to the Emiya clan?"

"Spike, yes," Pinkie agreed. "Igneel and your Gai-sensei's friend Ningame earned it. You can earn it with hard work, but when you try too many shortcuts, you cut yourself short, as Father always said. Mandy... well, he's been writing a check his mouth can't fully cash since his father died and he banished his sister Kundilundaniniondoto--- Kundy."

"Kundalini," Lyra supplied helpfully.

"She always let me call her Kundy," Pinkie said with a shrug. "She's a dragon. Your sensei's summons take her side. Nice gal. Great healer. Best damn barbeque chef-- she does this lovely grilled veg that I just miss so much, gad Mandy is an ass for sending her away, I just want to slip him a poisoned rat cupcake! An exploding poison rat cupcake!"

"Justice is served!" Lyra roared.

"AND WE GET FIREWORKS!" Pinkie agreed, her hair puffy again. "...Where was I?"

"Declaring vendetta, though if you want to transition to my head thing..." Sakura offered.

"Oh! Okie dokie lokie~."

##

0750 h, Academy Exercise Yard

"Hatake-san! My friends and I should be in Class Willow!"

Not looking up from his book, Kakashi drawled out a "Nope." Louder, he added, "Lead them in one more lap, Akane, your sensei can take it!"

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei!" the girl agreed, even as the students and teachers behind her groaned.

"Do you know who I am?" the boy Kakashi still hadn't looked at asked.

"Konohamaru. Kyoko's little pill bug."

"SHE SAID SHE'D STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

"Ah, but did she promise not to refer to you as such to others?" Kakashi prompted.

Konohamaru slumped. "Right. Ninja mom."

##

0800 h Homebase, front entrance. Not really a porch, townhouses don't tend to have front porches. More of a stoop...

"Bitch. Thin Hammer."

Sakura turned to Naruto with a small smile. "I feel loved."

"Knew he'd warm to you once you got past the fangirling," Naruto opined. "Oh, hey Sensha!" He waved to the giant turtle, who nodded with a smirk.

"... okay, you know him how?" Sakura wondered.

Naruto averted his eyes and blushed.

"This has something to do with that sweetie with a sitar, doesn't it?" Sakura wondered.

"Tends to be the case when he does his Hinata impression," Sasuke confirmed.

"Shut. Up," Naruto demanded. Then he blinked as he noticed who else was there. "Sakura, a few observations..."

"Do they include the giant snake beside your turtle friend?" Sakura asked warily.

"And our bruised and battered sempai on Team Punishment standing beside them, yes. The way Tenten is giggling while fondling that kunai is... not very heartening."

"I don't like that smile on Rock Lee's face, either."

"No, and my cousin's smirk... this does not bode well for us, Sakura."

"Agreed. Sasuke?"

"Yes, Sakura?" the Uchiha said.

"Will there be pain?"

"A bit. I assure you, I went through it already, so I will be empathizing even as I bask in your suffering. Our Sempai will be doing what Anko-sensei and Gai-sensei did."

Naruto blinked... then smacked his hand over his eyes. "Sakura... I think this is evasion training."

Sakura blinked. "We're about to be running like hell from our sempai and two summons, aren't we?"

"Did someone say... evasion training?"

Naruto turned, and sighed. "Oh, look, the friendly neighborhood fox summons I just beat eight rounds in a row at Medal Count and a familiar horse summons."

Sakura had to laugh. "No one warned you about Naruto and betting games, did they?"

"Brat got the king combo five times. Three in a row I heard him say Tatoba! Tatoba! Ta! To! Ba!" Ichimaru grumbled. "But! I'm. Not. Bitter." Ichimaru's laugh was just this side of amusingly deranged.

"You are so totally going to enjoy this," Naruto observed.

"So totally," Ichimaru said, suddenly composed as you'd please. "And with me, please permit me to introduce Maud of Clan Pie."

"Hey," the pony greeted the group in a flat tone. "My sister said we had a potential summoner I should torment. I said sure." She casually kicked up a rock, caught it in her mouth and crunched it. "Mm. Iwa can bite it, the rocks around Konoha are just perfect. Bertha."

"Maud," the snake returned.

"That horse just ate a rock," Sakura murmured. "This is my life now, horses that eat rocks and scheming foxes using training exercises to exact revenge..."

"Sensha, buddy, you'll be gentle, right?" Naruto asked.

The turtle met his eyes... and slowly grinned. An accomplishment for one lacking teeth.

"Traitor," Naruto grumbled. "What are we waiting--" He stopped as Sakura tapped his shoulders and pointed. "Ah. In retrospect, 'for Gai-sensei to piggyback Nee-sensei back here with her dango order' seems obvious."

"And start," Anko ordered without any further comment.

"HATING! YOU! ALL!" Sakura ranted, as a hail of practice kunai set her running.

"I should have gone one more round with Ichimaru-- OH SORYO AND THE OTHER MOTHER KAMI MAUD NOT THE SPITTING ROCKY DEATH!

"Ragh. Giant Snake," Bertha said flatly, emerging from the ground in front of them.

"AHHHHH!" Naruto and Sakura screamed, as Naruto swung Sakura onto his back and hauled ass. The pink-haired girl gamely set about blocking Tenten's hail of metal as best she could.

"Kaa was right. Anko's genin are funny."

"SO GLAD YOU THINK SO, BERTHA-SAN!" Sakura said. "Naruto! CLONES ALREADY!"

"ICHI-KUN'S DISPELLING THEM AS FAST AS I CAN MAKE THEM, IT'S TAKING EFFORT TO MAKE THEM SMOKELESS SO WE CAN FUCKING SEE!"

"But... you can make hundreds at a--"

"YES!" Naruto agreed, taking to the trees. "YES, AND HE'S GETTING RID OF THEM! AND I'M TRYING TO OUTRUN A FLYING TURTLE!"

"Is... that the shadow over us?"

"He does an AIR DROP, Sakura!"

"... oh this is going to suuuuuck," Sakura decided.

##

0827 h. One of Torture and Interrogation's... 'nice' rooms.

"Sorry you had to go through that," Ibiki said with a small frown. "I imagine we must seem paranoid."

The Kid sort of smiled, the almost there smile a lot of those that lived through Hell shared. Nice, as far as it went, but you kind of wished it went further. "Not at all," Kid said. "I... was there when the Bastion fell. On the one hand, if we Caels had trusted the Ura more... but then, we never gave them much reason to trust us. I ran. That don't look good. When you caught me... you didn't snap judge me based on what you thought I was. That's what got us into trouble." Kid frowned. "Will my wife--"

"Zia will be picked up, and vetted," Ibiki said, "but given she wasn't caught masqueraudering around the village, she'll skip right to the visitor/ possible citizen level. Unless she gives us a reason."

The matter-of-factness of this statement actually gave the Kid some solace. Much as he missed old Rucks, there had always been an air of... subtle pushing with the old man. Ibiki's directness was... rather heartening.

Though the word ‘masqueraudering’ was a new one on him.

There was a knock at the door, and the woman the Kid had only been introduced to as Ibiki's secretary opened the door. "Uzumaki Yuugao has arrived."

Ibiki gestured, and his secretary opened the door, allowing a rather fine looking woman in. The kind Zia would make a point to point out to the Kid so they could share their appreciation.

"They tell me you go by ... Kiddo?" the purple haired woman asked, smirk on her face. "Kidd?"

"Someone close took to calling me 'The Kid'," he explained, real casual like. "Given I'm not that fond of the name I was given, it'll serve. Kiddo works. Flows better in Elemental, I guess."

"Higo," came the idle note from Ibiki, and he nodded in acceptance of the correction.

"We'll put you down as 'Uzumaki Kiddo'," Yuugao noted. "Well, we've got stranger names from our Keltic and Fioren cousins."

"My wife. Can we get her listed too? Zia?" Kid... Kiddo asked, forcing himself not to fret. Thirty-five year olds who could wield a bow or sword like he could shouldn't fret. "We've... got a little one, too. Zulf." At the raised eyebrow that got, he shrugged. "Named after a friend who settled in Fiore. She's-- Zia's passable at Ele-- Higo, but more fluent in Fioren."

"I'll make sure the oinin team knows about the language issue and that there's a child with her," Ibiki's secretary said, and left after Ibiki's nod.

Yuugao gave a small laugh and smiled in a way that kind of reminded Kiddo of a satisfied cat. "Well, cousin... you, Zia and Zulfo have chosen an interesting time to come home."

"Home," Kiddo mused with his own snort of laughter. "Been awhile since we've had a place to call that."

##

0836 h. The Perfect Hill on an Imperfect Day

Chouji would have called him on not really watching the clouds. Much as he would have tried to brush past it... the way Asuma-sensei dismissed him had hurt.

`I don't want to look at you right now,` stung almost as much as his father's suggestion the older Nara was cleaning up the messes Shikamaru had left behind. And neither man would lie to him about such things.

Never would he have predicted the annoying Uzumaki would be so connected. Getting a box of onigiri, the shopkeeper had actually frowned at him. Saki Hinako had simply shaken her head as she took his money, exchanging none of the usual pleasantries.

Troublesome women were likely trading gossip. Just like them, to over complicate their day. But that was women for--

"Nice to see they give kids in the fast track a day off."

Eyes snapping into focus with a few rapid blinks, Shikamaru looked up at the speaker.

Her eyes got him first. Oddly mismatched, blue and green. The blue one seemed smaller. Her face was not delicate at all, but still said 'woman' to the part of his brain that handled such labels. Brown hair in a tight bun atop her head. Wiry and lean, going by her exposed arms. The woman's version of the Konoha flak vest over a brown short sleeved t-shirt. Brown shorts to her knees, the cuffs of which were bound in the wraps that covered the rest of her legs.

"Fast track?" Shikamaru prompted.

"You know, on a team. With a Jounin Sensei," she explained. "Genin that go through teams or apprenticeship get one on one care, team work experience... and they can more easily enter exams, since they either have a premade team or can network with other apprentices. If you aren't put up for a sensei, or chose not to go back to academy when one fails you, you slug it out through the genin corps. And you have to see to your own training."

"Troublesome. I'm just going to be an average nin," Shika noted.

She raised one eyebrow. "What's average?"

"Beg pardon?"

She practically flowed into a seiza position beside where he lay. She was, what, maybe a year older than him? "Well, average nin seems too broad a category to cull a usable goal from. Do you define average as 'what your parents had'? My dad was some arsehole who ran out on Mom. She's a great mom... but I'd like my kids to have a guy like my uncle around. Not too strict, knows when he has to come down. Do you want to be a capture specialist, an oinin? Your average oinin has skills in tracking and/ or containment far above any mean average in either skill."

Shika frowned. That... actually made a good deal of sense. He slowly sat up. "I guess... I want whatever I need to waste the least amount of effort on."

"Mm. 'Do easy, easy does it,'" she replied. At his head tilt, she smirked. "Your clan isn't so lazy your aphorisms aren't ever spoken, Nara-kun."

He snorted. "Point taken. But I guess... I simply wish to use my intelligence to get through with... the East Blue Islanders call it 'Slack'."

"It's become a common enough term here that I've heard the word slaku bandied about. Maximum effect, minimum effort. That's the idea, right?"

Shika nodded.

"As a method, it has merit," she agreed slowly. "Easy to make an excuse of it though. Your clan motto is... as I understand it... a plea to find the right way to approach a problem, not an exoneration for laziness."

As Shikamaru listened, he wondered who arranged this particular meeting. Whoever it was had, thankfully, let nature take its course with the topics. Contrived coincidence was fine, but too much stage managing spat in the face of a Konoha nin's pride.

“Despite what some arseholes outside it think” She continued. “Avoiding a hard task misses the doing part, right? Which is the kind of attitude that gets you kicked from the team track."

Shikamaru blinked at her. "Forgive me, you're...?"

"Kurama Minako. And you're Nara Shikamaru, right?"

"Yes. Whatever is such a troublesome and intelligent woman such as yourself doing in ANBU?"

"Damn," she snickered, "I thought this shirt covered my tattoo."

He smirked. "It does, but my uncle's in Black Ops and he uses the same seal on his wrist for his mask as you have on the back of your hand."

She looked down, smirked, and seemed to focus a moment. The seal faded. "Sloppy. Well, what happened was a bit of bad politics and a bit of good luck getting noticed by the right trainer..."

##

0845 h. The Acade--

"I WAS TRAINED BY EBISU!"

"Who wasn't at his best, I hear."

"LEAF ROT!"

Academy. Looks like Kakashi's got something to amuse him today. So we'll turn to...

##

0846 h. T&I.

"Our lady from Kumo still not talking?" Ibiki asked, joining Megane at the observation window.

"I'm not sure she's from Kumo. Something's off," Megane observed, his book closed and focus entirely on the subject.

"Joumae?" Ibiki suggested, but Megane shook his head.

"No. When we penetrate a Lock's cover, it tends to be because of a 'too perfect' feel to it. This isn't that. With our friend in there... it's more the feeling that her slips come from good but incomplete knowledge."

"A cover come up with on the fly," Ibiki agreed. He sighed. "We're all running hot on this one. It may be tainting our views. I asked for some help."

Megane frowned, adjusting his glasses. "One of our off duties?"

"In a manner of speaking," Ibiki said.

The door to the observation area opened. Megane turned and automatically bowed. "Akira-sama."

The man wearing a flat cap nodded back, then smiled to the head of T&I. "Ibiki. My dear old teammate." They embraced. Akira was probably on the shortlist of people Ibiki would hug.

"Akira," Ibiki said, something approaching sentimentality in his voice. "Sorry to call you out of retirement, old friend."

"Nonsense. Live for the Leaf. Where is the subject?"

"Interview room seven."

"Very good." Akira paused at the door. "You say... this one was trying to get dirt on... Naruto."

"Yes."

"All due diligence, then," the portly man said.

##

0930 h. Academy, outside, by the building.

"Iruka," Kakashi said with a sigh.

"On it," Iruka said, and four gardening tools turned all purpose ninja knife pinned a misorientated camouflage sheet to the wall.

"Wah!" called three voices.

Kakashi nonchalantly strode over and pulled the top of the sheet down. "Let's see... the Pillbug... Naruto mentioned a kid that couldn't orient a camo sheet right..."

"What's so hard?" Iruka wondered. "The top left corner has the village symbol on it."

Konohamaru blinked, looked at the upper right corner, groaned, and then bowed his head.

Kakashi looked at the other boy and tsked. "Hayabusa Udon, what would your uncle Ryuu think?"

"He just laughed his head off when I told him what Ko-kun planned," the glasses-wearing boy admitted.

"...you should listen to your uncle," Kakashi advised. "And... you look like a Tenshin..."

"Moegi," the girl said with a smile. "I'm being raised by Kasumi-nee-san."

"Ah. Tenshin Hayate's girl." Kakashi's exposed eyebrow quirked in amusement. "So you know these two are being idiots--"

"But feel duty-bound to accompany them, Hosensei, yes," she admitted cheerfully.

"Well, do say hello to Kasumi and Ayane when you get down," Kakashi said cheerfully. "Let's go, Iruka."

"Yes, Boss."

"... They're...leaving us pinned here, aren't they?" Udon murmured.

"Shut up," Konohamaru said despondently.

"I told you this wouldn't work," Moegi pointed out.

"Shut. Up."

"Just saying."

Konohamaru sighed. "Yeah."

##

1000 h. Somewhere.

Wait, you wanna know exactly?

YOU EXPECT THEM TO KNOW WHERE THE FUCK THEY ARE EXACTLY?

I MEAN-- SNAKE! MAUD! ICHIMARU! FLYING TURTLE!

Log. Somewhere in Konoha, okay?

Sensha nudged the battered Naruto with a foot.

"Go'way. Hate you."

Another nudge.

"No. Gonna tell Ella-chan to cook you."

This time, it was a headbutt. Not a cat like, drag-my-face- across-your-skin-to-mark-you headbutt, but a firm tap of what you could call the turtle's forehead to Naruto's shoulder. Naruto looked up at the summons and smirked.

"Damn it, Sensha-kun, stop being lovable!"

And the blond threw his arm around the turtle's neck.

Sakura looked at Maud, who raised one eyebrow.

"Do you need a hug?" Sakura prompted.

"Naw. Sorry for the rock shards in the butt."

Sakura waved it off. "My older brother once jammed a broken garden hoe in my forehead when we were pretending to be Keltic nobles playing golf. I'm... kinda used to getting things jammed in me-- no," she said flatly, raising a finger to Naruto's far too broad grin.

"Naruto," Lee said, laying a hand on the blond's shoulder, "Too easy, my friend."

"But, it's right there, Lee-sempai!" Naruto whined.

"Rather our point," Neji said dryly.

Naruto sighed. "Fine. Obvious joke noted and repressed. Spoilsports."

"Anko," Bertha rumbled.

"Thoughts?" Anko prompted from her perch on a nearby tree, finishing another stick of dango (there's always a tree in Konoha). Sasuke sat beside her, his own pile of dango much higher as he was eating the skewered dumplings much slower. Gai paused on the up motion of the chin ups he was doing on the same branch.

The snake gave a little hum. "They did well... but I'll be really impressed when they can do the exercise in the Forest of Death."

"... her saying it in that matter of fact deadpan actually makes it sound scarier," Naruto observed.

"Good," Anko said. "Gai, I asked the desk nin in the missions office to save you a shopping mission for the Akimichi main house..."

"ANKO-NEE!" Rock Lee cried, leaping up to embrace her.

"From ground to the branch like that," Sasuke said, tracing Lee's trajectory with a head shake.

"Chouji's mom feeds you, I take it?" Sakura deduced.

"Try and stop her," Tenten said with a smirk.

Gai released his hold on the branch. "Excellent! Team Thirteen! To the mission office!"

"GAI-SENSEI! IF I CANNOT DO SO WALKING ON MY HANDS, I SHALL LAP KONOHA FIFTY TIMES!"

"OH, ROCK LEE! HOW YOUTHFUL!"

As the obligatory exchange of names and hugs went off in the background, Anko leapt down to stand before her battered students, Sasuke following suit. "Okay. So, Rin-nee should be by soon to patch you up. I was going to spend the rest of the morning on nice, relaxing book work--"

"YAY! ... did I just say that...?" Naruto said.

"Waitaminute," Sakura said. "You said... you were?"

"Weeeeelllll~.... Since you and Naruto goofed off with various summons--"

"Hey!" Sakura protested.

"Yeah!" Naruto agreed. "I was goofing off, Sakura was learning stuff!"

"--and Sasuke got dango-- "

"Not like I share your addiction--" Sasuke began, and then toppled as a suntetsu hit his forehead.

Anko cleanly caught his carton of dango, scowling. "-- and didn't appreciate them--"

"Right. Dango is your ramen," Sasuke managed from the ground.

Naruto kicked him.

"Sorry. Dango is her Ramen."

"Better," Naruto said.

"-- because of all that... instead... YARD WORK!"

Sasuke sat up to join his teammates in chorusing, "Yard Work?"

"Yes! We've got an ornamental kitchen garden, a poison garden, and a patio to set up!"

Sakura sighed. "Translation, back breaking work for genin, sensei gets to chill out."

Anko looked agast. "Birch and elm no, you'll be handling poisons!"

Naruto looked about ready to glomp her. "Aw, sensei!"

"I have to get in there if I want my free slave labour to live!" Anko said, turning away slightly and looking offended.

Naruto's face fell. "Sasuke. It's your turn."

Sasuke frowned. "Hn? Ah, yes. Ahem. So. Hating you. Sensei."

"As it should beeee~!"

##

1000 h. Shushuya, 124 Madara Avenue.

It was too early to order the house sake, but despite the name sake was not all Shushuya had to offer its customers. It was one of the few places in town you could get coffee or tea of equally high quality, and the food was nothing to sneeze at-- the owners insisted on the freshest ingredients.

Coffee, a large bowl of spicy beef and vegetables with peanuts, plenty of rice, and (to indulge) one of the house special super egg rolls, deep fried once in the usual thin wrap and then dunked in the batter they used on the sweet and sour dishes and fried again.

Tsk, tsk, a voice in her head murmured, sly and just a touch cocky. Rin, my dear, do you know what that thing will do to your arteries?

In exquisite detail, she shot back, and exactly how long it will take before my body has recovered and I can have another.

Well then, what are you waiting for child?

She sniffed with stifled laughter. Patience, jii-san. You'd think at your age it would come easy.

There was a pause and then the being lying in her sensei's seal sighed. I often wish that was the case. Or that I could soak up some of yours via osmosis. Her partner sounded meditative. I might have let those Kiri nin that tried to seal poor Isobu in you live. I still think there's a connection.

Rin ate a bit of her main dish, crunching the peanuts. Between that incident and the masked man that attacked the night Naruto was born.

She felt him nod. You know me. I work on intuition. Nothing I can place, but a bunch of little bits... And then she felt his anger. Kurama and his kin are family to me, Rin. It took me far too long to learn empathy to the point I could say that. If I'm right, and someone's been aiming at them...

Then not only are they in danger, but so are their jinchuuriki, Rin said, forcing herself to curb her ki but unable to hold back her stare. She was lucky she was the only customer.

And that includes the son of my dear Harbour and his Whirlpool. My crooked old heart will not stand for that, Rin-chan. Young Hiruzen is not the only jii little Naruto has.

Jiraiya mentioned certain rumours when we crossed paths with him, Rin recalled. Was I imagining your interest?

No. This... Mayonaka he's heard whispers of. The name of this... Midnight... it got the talons twitching, Rin.

So meet Jiraiya. And maybe ask for an Audience with Fukasaku, Rin decided.

Luna as well. And if Kakashi can get us in touch with that old dog Patch... He sighed. There's trouble coming, Rin. A Forced Change meeting a Force of Change.

Rin smiled. So we ready our staff, tighten our armour and sharpen our blades.

He let out a hum of agreement. Then:

And maybe grab a few of Akaruime's muffins.

Rin did laugh this time. That, you bastard, is a given.

1040 h. In the Garden of Anko, Baby...

"Sakura, stop."

Sakura blinked at Naruto's warning. "What? Isn't this what Sasuke's got...?"

"Noooo. You are holding Belladonna."

The pinkette blushed. "Oh. Other garden?"

"Ee-yup. No, not yours, Sasuke."

The Uchiha stopped. "You... can't tell me this isn't a nightshade."

Naruto grinned. "I won't, cause it is. But only the leaves, stem, and uncooked green version are poisonous. What, you never seen your favourite that small?"

"My... favourite...?"

"Uh-huh-- oh, Bastard, don't--"

"I... almost mis-planted tomatoes?" Sasuke droned as Anko walked up with a load of tools.

Naruto sighed and rolled his eyes, "Yes, Sasuke."

"... as I wallow in the despair of failing my beloved..."

Blinking, Anko watched as Sasuke's eyes grew flat, and his voice entered a drone with occasional spikes of rage and grief.

"Is he...?" Anko wondered aloud. Naruto shrugged.

"Eh, don't worry sensei. That's just how he freaks out. I'd worry for the elemental nations if he was that emo 24/6."

Anko considered the quietly ranting Uchiha. "Yeah. Crazed vendettas over the smallest things and constant attempts to punch above your weight class aside, folks that are always like that are just... boring."

##

1110 h.

Kakashi looked at the note in his hand.

He looked at the trio of children before him. Konohamaru was smiling his best version of Naruto's 'who, me?' smile. This was a pretty bad version. Udon just did his best to stay composed. Moegi looked mildly amused by the whole thing.

"Iruka?" Kakashi prompted, passing the note to his assistant.

"One. This is not on the Hokage's official office stationery, which has a watermark, chakra signature, and a nigh invisible seal matrix woven in that reads, 'If you can read this, you're not paranoid enough yet.' And that's just the top three layers. He'd most certainly use it to allow you to transfer to Class Willow. Mako?"

Mako took the note from the former oinin and sighed. "I tutor people on faking handwriting. While to a civilian forger, the ol' trace select hiji bit might work, and to your credit you did not trace the same copy of a ideogram or letter each time... a nin who has seen the Hokage's handwriting in a decent sample could tell this doesn't have his 'writing rhythm', and is in fact a stuttering mess because it was sampled at random from existing samples. Hosensei?"

"Finally," Kakashi said, "your grandfather already sent me this note yesterday saying we are honour bound to tsk you if you try to fake his handwriting while allowing all present to ridicule you-- though not bully. To this end, I have asked Mako's students to limit themselves to emulating us."

He, Mako and Iruka as one waved their right forefingers at the three as the students followed suit. "Tsk, tsk."

Moegi was struggling to suppress her amusement as Udon bowed his head and muttered something about Ryuu-ji being right.

Konohamaru went red in the face. "ROTTING LOG IT!"

##

1155 h.

"And he must feel my wrath, for he is the one in reach who has wronged me the most..."

Naruto turned to Sasuke smiling. "Oh, good, you're done."

Sakura raised an eyebrow. "He always ends pledging to visit wrath on his brother?"

Naruto snorted. "His brother? No, no. When he's serious you don't get this."

Sasuke shrugged his shoulders and cracked his wrists. "Thank you for keeping me working while I ranted, by the way." Even as Naruto gave him a dismissive hand wave, Sasuke went on. "And Sakura, I did say within reach."

"Ah," Sakura agreed. "Then...?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "The headwaiter at Shiseiryu just off the bazaar."

"The Blue Dragon?" Sakura asked, puzzled. "What did the head waiter of a Kusa-style buffet restaurant do to you?"

Naruto frowned. "Idiot keeps trying to give him sake to butter him up."

"I have told him. I do not drink. He does not listen," Sasuke growled. He blinked at the rake in his hand. "Sensei-- mentioned something about these?"

"Blue handled for the food and orange for the poisons," Naruto reminded him, taking the orange handled rake and racking it with its fellows. "Oh, and that the head of T&I gave those to her and would likely kill us if we broke them."

"No, I'd kill you," Anko said, walking up as she dried her hands. "Ibiki would just watch. And possibly make sure Naruto's death was quick, he likes him. Good work, team. Give yourselves a thorough wash up at the sink and come to the patio for lunch. No splashing each other, and use the disposable towels."

"Rather slightly too safe, in this case," Sakura agreed.

A quick wash up later, and the trio approached the patio.

"Wonder what's for lunch today," Sasuke asked.

"I hope it's something decent," Sakura said. "Maybe some more of Genta-san's sushi."

"He makes a mean curry... too..." Naruto stopped in his tracks on seeing who was standing by a set of pots and frypan sitting on portable burners, and a portable toaster oven to one side.

"Hi, Naruto!"

"Ayame-nee. Are you in fact descending like a goddess to prepare us the food of the kami?"

Ichiraku Ayame blinked. "I.. brought the ingredients for Leaf's Bounty ramen."

"That's what I said, oh glorious O-Nee-chan of the Deadly Ladle."

An amused smirk settled on her face as she met Anko's grin. "... I guess it has been a while since he's been by."

Anko shrugged. "Eh, I've kept him busy."

##

And Meanwhile, simultaneously, at the same time, synchronised, alongside, in parallel, as well, nearby,...

"I'm sorry, it seems that Head Student Akane, her dear bestie, and that sweet, sadly injured boy she has a crush on--"

"KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

"--are already here. That... and you need remedial lessons from Naruto. That henge is NOWHERE near his in fidelity. Though, full marks Moegi, excellent cross-gender henge. Only your giggle when I called Konohamaru out betrayed you."

"Thank you, Kakashi-sensei."

"Konohamaru--"

"Not. A. Word. Udon."

##

1205 h. Hangin' with Anko-sensei.

"Om, nom, nom, nom," Naruto nommed, on his fifth bowl to his teammates' first. Sakura supposed the sheer variety of toppings on the Leaf's Bounty ramen was slowing him down.

The front bell went off. Anko frowned, and handed her empty first bowl to Ayame. "I'll get it."

"So, why Ayame of the Deadly Ladle?" Sakura asked after a moment.

"Oh, Tou-san was raised in a monastery. One of those kids dropped off because the family can't handle him-- economically, I mean. When he got older and decided the monk's life wasn't for him, he parted on good terms-- I still call his old master Miki Sifu-baa-chan. She was ecstatic he became a ramen chef."

"Ah. So Ichiraku-san taught you a few things," Sakura said.

"Quite a bit over the years. Sifu-baa-chan insisted since most of our customers are ninja, I should be able to handle myself. The Sandaime had me evaluated by a few of his jounin-- with combat experience, I could test for chuunin."

"But since neither she, nor her father, have the fire for regular military service," Sasuke noted with a shrug, "you just get a store owner and his daughter who can back up their no fighting or bugging their customers rules. Though I do get worried when she's got the cleaver..."

"Boss!"

The trio and Ayame turned toward the voice. The young dark-haired boy at the townhouse's backdoor stumbled to his knees beside where Naruto was eating and clasped his hands before himself. Anko just shook her head as she gestured his friends to come out too.

"Please, help!" the boy begged.

Naruto looked at Ayame, who shook her head and rolled her eyes.

He looked at Sasuke, who gave him a look of mild sympathy.

He looked at his sensei, who shrugged.

He sighed, drained his bowl of broth, and turned his whole body to sit facing toward the boy. His expression reminded Sakura of nothing so much as a long-suffering older brother. "Who or what'd you tangle with this time, Konohamaru?"

"I'm just trying to get us the best training!" Konohamaru protested.

"Moegi," Naruto prompted without looking away from his supplicant.

"He's trying to get us transferred to Class Willow," the girl of the group said.

With a moan, Naruto buried his face in his hands.

"Isn't that the class--" Sakura began to ask.

"The one Hatake-sensei said was his 'pilot' class, yes," Sasuke said, smirking slightly.

Naruto glanced through his fingers at Konohamaru. "... you're trying to either cajole or sneak by Kashi-nii?"

Konohamaru blinked up at him. "Er... I guess?"

Naruto lowered his hands and considered Konohamaru with that look Sakura had come to know preceded many an insight. "Ko-kun... you remember when I jumped out the window of Jii-jii's office trying to imitate an ANBU?"

Konohamaru, despite his confused look, nodded. "Er, yeah. Longest I've ever seen you laid up. Jii-san was really upset with you."

"Remember what I said I learned after?" Naruto pressed.

"...good goal, bad means?"

"And how'd Jii-ji put it?"

"... nice initiative, horrible implementation?"

Naruto patted the younger boy's head. "Good goal, Ko-kun. Nice initiative."

"...big help you are," Konohamaru said, then he turned to Sasuke. "Hey, Sasu-kun--"

Sasuke simply raised his left eyebrow.

Konohamaru sighed. "Right, don't ask."

Sakura finished slurping her current mouthful of noodles. "So, you're the Pillbug."

"When did you meet Kaa-san?" Konohamaru sighed in resignation.

"Last night."

"Curse you, Ninja-kaa-san."

"So... you two have known each other a long time, I bet."

Naruto smirked. "Yes, I have many embarrassing tales which make him look silly and me look sweetly naive."

"Boss! NO!"

Naruto stuck out his arm, keeping Konohamaru back by way of putting his hand on his 'rival's' forehead. "How about the first time he tried to take Jii-jii's hat? Jii-jii set it down, and next thing we know, it's crawling across his desk--"

"That didn't happen!" Konohamaru protested, finally dodging to the left only to meet the insurmountable blockade of Naruto's other hand.

"-- And I lifted it up, and little just crawling Ko-kun stops just short of crawlin' off Jii-jii's desk and starts bawling because the thing that made him blind is gone!"

"You and Kaa-san made that up!" the Hokage's grandson whined.

"Or how about the time he decided to run into my trap yard--"

"The one that's classed as an official obstacle course?" Sakura said, eyes wide in disbelief.

"Kiba and Sasuke were there, helping me set up some pistons-- and we had Kiba's sister watching--" Naruto began.

"Both because the Hokage insisted he be supervised when he saw how complex it'd gotten and because Kiba's sister Hana can curb him when he gets too... Kiba," Sasuke offered in explanation.

"Plus, have you seen Hana?" Naruto mused.

"Dirty old Professor would factor that in," Anko agreed.

"Of course, this is Konoha," Sakura said.

Konohamaru sighed and slumped. "Gotta admit, this one isn't my fault, right?"

"Sure," Naruto agreed. "You just got so excited to see what I was doing with my friends, you didn't give anyone a chance to stop you. His mom and I started saying stop just in time for him to fall into the first pit trap. His mother... I guess partly out of worry... jumped right in after him."

"... was this before or after you covered the walls in that chakra bound inhibiting paint?" Sakura wondered.

"... Ocelot-nii nearly went down after her-- still don't know if he was guarding me or Kyoko-nee and Ko-kun that day. Instead, he went to get rope," Naruto said, hand to the back of his neck and a sheepish grin on his face.

Sasuke looked at the Hokage's grandson with his own fond smirk and shook his head. "Then there's the fact that for a good five years, Konohamaru decided it was genius to attack his jii-san for the Hokage title."

"... I don't think it works that way..." Sakura said. "I don't think ... the Yondaime ever beat the Sandaime in a spar."

"Not one that's recorded," Naruto agreed. "I'd have to check with Jii-jii to see if there's one off the record. But you miss the point. He didn't think if he simply beat Jii-jii in a fight, he'd get the hat. He thought Jii-jii would have to give him the hat if he thrashed him nearly to death."

Sakura slowly turned to Konohamaru. She actually took his embarrassed flush at this idea as a sign he was past it. Still, the situation seemed to call for a fitting response. She pulled out her glasses, put them on, and then pulled them down her nose a bit to glare over them. "You were reminded we aren't Kumo?"

"And of the age gap and experience and all Jii-san's titles. But, see, to most people in town... I'm not Konohamaru."

Sakura frowned, putting her glasses away. "Who, if not Konohamaru?"

"Omago-sama," the boy said sadly.

Sakura closed her eyes and shook her head. "We do like labeling people as a species, don't we? The Honorable Grandson... no wonder you'd want to surpass Hiruzen-sama."

"And the thing of it is, he wasn't even very good at it," Naruto sighed. "He'd trip, he'd miss by a mile, he'd stumble before Jii-jii even had to parry-- and if I was there, it was my fault. That New Year's festival he jumped right into the koi-pond? I must have nudged him."

"Even I have to admit, the time I blamed you for tripping me when Jii-san tied you to his desk after that really insane prank with the Hyuuga's laundry-- what's so funny?"

"Besides the fact Hiashi thought it was a riot?" Naruto answered.

"Smiling at dangerously normal levels," Sasuke explained, smirking.

"Yeah, he liked it," Sakura agreed.

"Jii-jii told me a year later... it was a slipknot," Naruto managed.

"Wait... so... you could have gotten loose the second I started throwing my practice kunai at you--"

"Instead of rolling around like a flea-ridden pet pig, scattering his paperwork all over!" Naruto finished, and he and Konohamaru laughed.

"Oh, geez, remember that time at the Sakura Viewing Festival--" Moegi began.

"Oh... when Konohamaru cut the obi off of the Hidaimyo's yukata..." Udon moaned.

Sasuke actually chuckled. "Naruto instantly took five steps away and the Hokage said, 'Blame him and I'll take away your allowance forever.'"

"Retsudo-jii was laughing his head off," Naruto roared.

"'Glad I didn't go commando,'" Sasuke quoted deadpan, and they laughed. "Yagyu-sama is actually a rather quick-witted man."

Naruto turned to Ayame. "You can hook these kids up from my share, right?"

Ayame frowned. "Well... they are bugging two of our best customers..."

"Pwease?" Naruto said.

"Ah! The eyes! Stop! Alright, alright, but that's one less round for you!"

Naruto snorted. "Like you didn't plan for two helpings above whatever Rin-nee came and told you I'd need anyway."

Ayame sighed. "You know me well."

There was a pause as Ayame set to work.

"I still think attacking when Jii-jii was telling me off about my registration photo was just you playing into it," Naruto muttered.

"Boss! Would I do that?" Konohamaru gasped.

"If you've even vaguely listened to me over the years...? Yes."

##

1210 h. Hosensei's office.

"And that basically caught me in a bit of a feedback loop, sempai," the nin before them said. "I guess at the time Sarutobi-sama didn't want to try to ram in such a program, so he required me to have the approval of a majority of staff."

"Likely both to ensure it wouldn't wither on the vine and that it would survive constantly being passed between him and his advisors," Kakashi reflected.

"More inin are always welcome.” Iruka reflected. "But, are you sure academy-sei--"

"Sempai," the applicant interrupted, "I am no prodigy, and my mother started my training as an inin at age six. And she was teaching me to perform the same procedures as monk sutra and i-jutsu. I am proposing something nowhere near as intense. Bluntly-- with Tsunade-sama and Rin-sensei and others, we have set the bar for inin high. It would be a shame for the village that set the bar to fail to reach it. I have a promotion from genin to chuunin waiting which the Hokage will approve the moment my position is accepted--"

"Done. With my wholehearted endorsement," Kakashi decided.

The applicant smiled. "That quickly? I accept, but--"

Kakashi grunted in amusement. "Come now. I saw you help Rin stabilise our idiot from 44 the other day. If Rin grabs you for a crash team... you're worthy of my school."

With a blush of modesty, the applicant bowed. "Thank you, Hosensei."

"Boss is fine. Welcome to the Academy, Chuunin-sensei Kabuto."

##

1230 h. Akimichi Compound, Main House.

"Chouji--" his sensei began.

"You were right to come down on him. But nobody's helping him with what he did wrong," Chouji said bluntly.

This was what Neji and his team came into with the grocery list carefully double checked and every item on it found and stored in scrolls. "Okay, yes, but you have to understand--"

The normally affable Chouji's voice was... only slightly mad. But slightly mad on an Akimichi reminded anyone with two wits to spare what happened when they got mad. "He's my best friend. You think I haven't noticed these huge blind spots he builds for himself?"

Asuma sighed. "Okay. Fair enough. You can see him digging the hole."

"And you all hand him the shovel," Chouji said.

Having on occasion met the Hokage's son, Neji had to admit his dumbfounded look was... a new one to him.

"'Oh, Shika, you're brilliant. Such an intelligent Nara.' You know how he dug these holes? With the big brain you all praise and stress in his training."

"Well, it's his strength--"

"Which justifies making him think it's all he has how?" Ino finally growled. "No wonder he's so quick to stereotype, it's how all the adults deal with him."

Asuma began to rally. "Look, as it is, his mind is all he has going for him, with his lack of--"

The Akimichi heir slammed the table. "Log damn it! Asuma-sensei, Iruka-sensei might have let Shika nap through academics, but he made log sure Shika got off his arse and did all the other things a nin needs to do. He made him do kata-- you haven't asked once. He made him practice jutsu and told him why he should expand his library. You're content to leave him with a few Nara party tricks just because you're all assuming it'll all come easy because of his big brain! And now, you're isolating him!"

"I just gave him the day--" Asuma began.

"Naruto was the main reason he even socialised, and now you're making him a minefield," Chouji said. "Shika made a mistake. Don't make it another failing. Teach him. Teach us. That's why you're here!"

"Or did you expect clones of our fathers that would just snap together with a few buddy moments?" Ino asked... and honestly she sounded worried.

Asuma considered his students and stood. "You still in the mood to treat these people to a fine Akimichi meal, Chouji?"

Blinking, Chouji finally noticed Team Thirteen. "Er... yes, of course Sensei. Always, for those that bring food."

Asuma nodded once. "I'll have to sample your cooking later, though. Sorry. But apparently, I need to take care of a few things."

He was out the door before any of the genin could stop him.

Noting Chouji's now crestfallen look, Neji sighed. He started setting the scrolls on the table. "Gai-sensei's team test for us was training us until we questioned him."

Chouji blinked, then grinned. "You're saying if I don't tell him, no one will?"

Neji nodded. "A good case can be made I go the other way far too much with any authority figure... but questioning them is not innately bad. Now, Rock Lee and Gai-sensei have been salivating since we got this mission, and while Tenten and I have more restraint..."

Chouji smiled and rose. "How's onigiri sound?"

"If a Youthful Akimichi is making it?" Lee offered. "Divine."

##

Dreamtime

He was holding someone's hand. He turned.

She looked like the few pictures of his mother he'd seen, but was not her clone.

She was gloriously beautiful. Like a soldier. Like a hit-nin. Like a dancer. Red hair, a face feminine but not fragile, someone he could fight beside and lay beside.

"There won't be an us after this, you know."

He sounded... older, to himself.

She smirked. She was... actually about his height. While he felt taller, he didn't feel towering. She leaned over and kissed him, once, gently.

"We did that," she said, blushing, "for the same reason we're about to do this."

"So there's a chance it'll happen somewhere," he agreed.

"Ah. You're the last two--"

They didn't give the auburn haired man a chance to fight. Naruto tackled him high, the woman tackled him low, and he tumbled with them into the cosmic compost heap he'd been standing in front of.

"What--" the man cried.

And before he, the man, and the woman were broken down for parts, Naruto managed a farewell.

"Can't have a multiverse without an August Blake, Gus-kun."

And that was when he saw the man and the two women waving at him from Outside. The man was twirling a familiar red and black mask on one finger-- and the face removing the mask exposed was actually rather ruggedly handsome. The little girl in his other arm waved, mirroring the man's impish smile.

With a grin and sigh, Naruto's last words were "Damn it, Wade."

1245 h. Under a tree a certain ANBU grew just so tired genin (and future surrogate nieces and nephews) had one to nap under

"Hey, Fishcakes," the voice prompted gently.

Coming awake all at once but not abruptly, Naruto opened one eye and smirked. "Now I know you know tou-san meant it to read 'Maelstrom', Nee-sensei. Sorry, did I conk out on you?"

"Meh, it's fine. Surprised you let yourself. Rin said you usually fought the drowsiness going back on your meds brings."

"Nee-sensei, I'm trying to be sensible. If that includes a mid-day nap, then..." he shrugged, an unrepentant grin on his face.

Anko rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Either way, Orange-minion, you got a visitor."

The old tree fell apart... a lingering bit of dream taunted him, and it kinda stuck in his mind. He set it aside for the moment to open his other eye and smile. "Oh, Yuugao-nee!"

"Come to steal you away for clan business, no doubt," Anko grumbled with a pout.

"Actually," Yuugao said with a shrug, "we'd like all five of you to come."

Naruto blinked. "Five of--"

"Sai," Sakura said, pinching the bridge of her nose, "where are you?"

Silence.

Sakura turned to Anko, her best vapid gossip look on her face as she clenched her hands before herself. "Oh, Anko-sensei, you think the boys and Yuugao-sempai would like to hear about Wuffles-san?"

Anko aped her perfectly. "Oh, yes, and since Sai's not covertly watching us, we can go over all his little nicknames for her, how he got her, where he keeps her so she may be stolen should wacky hijinks need to ensue--"

There was the sound of feet rather heavily hitting the ground. The dark-haired Ne emerged from the treeline and strode right up to Anko.

"You knew rotting well where the fuck I was," he said flatly.

"This way was funnier," Anko countered.

One of those heinously fake smiles Naruto had seen once or twice appeared on Sai's face. "You're both wonderful women and I love you unreservedly."

"Sakura, how do we feel about that?"

"I believe all is as it should be~!" Sakura said, blowing Sai a kiss.

Yuugao cleared her throat... though it did sound rather like his cousin was restraining herself from doing something else. She smiled. "We have a briefing prepared for all of you. Yes, you too Sai."

##

1300 h. Academy.

"Hatake-sensei?"

Kakashi turned to see three academy-sei. The Pillbug looked kind of abashed, the Noodle Dish kind of resigned, and Kasumi's niece looked triumphant.

"Yes?" Kakashi prompted.

Konohamaru seemed to brace himself. "My friends and I... we want the best training possible, and I've heard nothing but good things about Mako-sensei. The fact you're using the class to try new things here makes it exciting. My friends and I would really like to be a part of that. May we please join Class Willow?"

Kakashi let his heart beat a full five times, then shrugged. "Eh, sure."

Now the Pillbug looked so pleasantly surprised it was endearing, the Noodle Dish was blinking at their sanest member in shock, and Moegi's look had grown from triumphant to smug.

"Akane!"

The head student came forward. "Hai, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Please supervise your new classmates in catching up on the laps and calisthenics they missed this morning."

"WHA?!" his three new victims said, and then cowered as Gourudoko Akane looked upon them with the fires of vengeance in her eyes.

"All the exercises they missed, Sensei?"

"Sure," Kakashi said, turning back to his book.

"Was the henge that bad, sempai--"

"MY HAIR IS AUBURN! NOT MAGENTA, YOU MISERABLE LITTLE PILLBUG! MAIN EXERCISE YARD! MARCH!"

"YIPE!"

##

1300 h. Hokage's office. Don't think it's been a place of solitude since the Shodai's days. Still a fortress, though.

"... and how many looks did you get waiting out there?"

The black stallion blinked at him a few times. "Hiruzen, you had a Keltic man fly out of here as a raven and a reindeer doctor visit today, regular visits from toads and slugs, and the occasional elemental from Barsaive. I don't really rate."

"... Granted," the Hokage allowed. "Copperfield-sama--"

"It's not that official a visit, Hiruzen," the stallion muttered, settling before the desk.

"Yes, but I know you're just far too kind about my murdering your given name whenever I try to say it," Hiruzen countered.

"... Granted."

"What brings the commander of Hakumei's Gray Guard here to Konoha?"

"An interesting story about last night from my dear wife. And I'll advise you, I'm here on my own behalf... and that of the other Sages. Sun wanted to charge over here with her guildmates in tow, and I need not remind you how fond both our rulers grew of Naruto."

"Them and every world leader I introduce him to," Hiruzen griped half heartedly, tapping his pipe clean and setting it aside. "Regardless of world. Ask your questions."

"It boils down to one, Hiruzen. One answer to keep every single sage of Equestria happy. One to keep Princess Luna from crossing at Rin's next summons-- and I remind you, it would be for Naruto and his charge she'd come.

"How are you protecting the brat my wife and her friends used to teach?"

"You all, for one," Hiruzen said, honestly. He smirked at the stallion-- currently pony-size, but he found that form no less impressive than the scarred, battered, and fit horse Copperfield was usually. "Come now, Copper. You did not need to remind me that you all care for him-- I've been there for many of his lessons. Not just you, either-- do you think Maa of the Toads descends her mountain for much beyond aiding Jiraiya with his Senjutsu? But she was here as well. Jiraiya and his summons, my own summons and his family-- and I remind you, the Monkeys work one on one. I summoned Enma, the rest came of their own will."

"Hokage-sama," said Gemma from behind him. "He is not without help here, either."

"Indeed, most if not all of my elites would kill for him-- not as a strategic assist, but because he's practically their unofficial mascot. He makes Ibiki laugh. Ibiki!"

"And he'll have us," a voice said. Copperfield turned and smirked.

"Ichimaru," he greeted the fox.

"His mother integrated our contract into the seal," the speedy vulpine said flatly. "He was born our summoner, Schwarzenstien-jii."

"Oh, well done," the Hokage said, nodding to the fox. "His godfather is sending some of his own summons."

Chiaki emerged from the shadows. "And a seven samurai honour guard that is assembling as we speak."

"And all this," Hiruzen said, leaning back, "while his sensei is training him to take care of himself. Your opinion, Copperfield-sama?"

The horse, like every survivor of a life gone mad ever, did not take the question lightly. "... acceptable. Just. "

##

1315 h. Academy Training Yard

"Resigning?" Iruka said, disbelief evident, his face finally diverted from their sparring students.

Kabuto sighed. "I am sorry to hear this, Shiraishi-sensei. I was looking forward to working with you."

"And not for what was or is happening here," Mako said sadly. Then she held up a piece of paper and a round metal amulet.

Kakashi took this in calmly, then nodded. "So Chiaki has already alerted the Tetsugun."

For a moment, Iruka blinked at the two items. On the paper was simply the ideogram for 'Gather' in Tetsugo. On the disk in the old Uzushio form of Higo's script was engraved the ideogram for 'Heaven'. Slowly, recognition dawned on Iruka's face. "Shiraishi. You are one of..."

"One of--" Kabuto began, and then his eyes went wide. "I see."

Mako nodded, her usually kind face now stern and composed. "He was threatened. Chiaki has contacted the others. The Shiba have already replied. We await the Hanaori and the Ikenami's answer."

Kakashi considered Mako a moment, then turned to their students. "Attend! Assemble!"

"Fall in!" came Akane's voice, and the class assembled. Kakashi did not miss the way Konohamaru was wincing between smiles and favouring his left leg, or the hair tousle Akane gave him... or the shiner she now sported herself.

"You all good and sore?" Kakashi prompted. The moans, rueful chuckles and scattered utterances of "Yes, sensei" he got in reply were wondrous. "Good. Now you know why Kabuto-sensei was here when I said go all out. Kabuto, anything that needs attention immediately?"

"No, Hosensei," Kabuto said, smiling but professional. "Any injures of great concern were headed off or immediately dealt with."

"Good. Sit." After the class settled, he looked them over. "Now. I have some sad news. Due to another duty that calls, Mako-sensei is leaving us after classes today."

There was a strong wave of disappointment, and some shouted questions.

"Attend," Kakashi said firmly. "You will more than likely be hearing the why of it soon enough, and she will still be based here in Konoha. But since we only have her for a bit longer... I am hoping that she will demonstrate something special today. Provided a certain group promises not to, oh, charge her and tie her to a tree or something...?"

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei!" the group promised earnestly.

Kakashi nodded. "Good. Now, here's an interesting fact... Mako-sensei is not solely trained as a ninja. She is trained in another tradition of warriors that use chakra. Now, Udon... can you tell me who else in the Elemental Nations that includes?"

Udon stood, grimacing a bit, but smiled. He opened his mouth.

"Wait," Kakashi said, and tossed him a handkerchief. "Blow."

Blushing, the boy bowed his head and did so. His blush only grew at the prestigious amount of blowing it took.

Kabuto didn't even need to look at Kakashi. He walked over to the boy and pulled out a bag, which the handkerchief was disposed of in. With a muttered "See me after lessons," the inin turned sensei retreated. Kakashi just looked at the boy expectantly.

"Ahem," Udon said. "Er, the Monks and Samurai both channel chakra martially. Chai's Sumo as well."

"Indeed,"Kakashi said. "Sit."

He turned to Mako.

Mako blushed a bit, then composed herself. She hung the medallion around her neck, and then took a stance. "Fuin!"

The class blinked and let out sounds of wonder as a katana puffed into being in their soon to be former teacher's hands.

"This is Ten no Shiken," Mako said, "my family's ancestral blade. The True Sword of Heaven was a gift from the leader of Uzushio to my ancestor Shiraishi Kazehana, fully formed by Emiya Shiro himself from material selection to folding to tempering-- with all his clan's legendary skill. My mother wielded it until an enemy struck her down-- she's alive," she assured the class at their stricken looks, "but lost the use of her legs. I was trained in its use by my grandmother Kagura."

"You... have samurai training, Mako-sensei?" Nakahara Haruo asked.

"Indeed."

Three. Two. One. Kakashi mentally counted.

"Cool~!" came the chorus in reply.

##

1320h. Chai Yachi-chan, owned by clan friend Hyuuga Yachi

"I'm... head of a clan...?" Naruto said, blinking.

Cleared out, Yachi-chan's service floor had just enough room for the group Yuugao-nee called 'the voting Uzumaki'.

"One so important Danzou assigned you his foster sons as bodyguards," Yuugao said bluntly. "Sai was raised to give you a bodyguard that met Danzou's standards, and grew up being trained by his foster brother Shin. You are the head of a clan many consider a founding one."

"And because we went along with one person, one person... you grew up an orphan," Hyuuga Hina practically growled. "You've gotten so much less than you should--"

Naruto held up a hand, then pointed. "You're that nice Kurosaki Kaila. You're our ambassador to Iwa. You introduced me to the Major, made sure I got to see Artie-ba when she visited... you and your husband."

The man with her nodded. "Kurosaki Heitamaru. The Namikaze are our branch family. I'm your father's cousin."

"So you don't get to feel bad about sweet shite," Naruto said. "Yuugao-nee sung me to sleep. Hayate-nii there held me when I was nightmaring."

His cousin's lover smiled slightly.

Naruto pointed to a portly man with wire-frame glasses. "Takafumi there always let me into his bookshop and made sure I always got Raiya-jii's latest Gutsy Shinobi book. My dad's students helped raise me. Hell, I don't think I've had a necessary check up Rin wasn't there for. Her summons helped teach me. The lady that does my laundry is dad's old teammate, Ai 'The Toughest Love'. I just figured she was being nice to the Kyuubi orphan. And then, to the kid her teammate had to stick Nine-tailed and testy in. Everyone I can see here, from my teammates to my sensei to people I remember at least smiling at me on the street has done something, so who-- wait."

He looked around, frowning.

"The Yellow Flash, the Toughest Love, the Toad Sage... Yuugao-nee?"

"Yes?" the ANBU asked, her face sad and resigned.

"The Endless Assault. What about Dad's other teammate? Tani Sarubo?"

"Remember the gentlemen that interrupted our talk after your obstacle run?"

Naruto gasped. "Him? He was... fat! Old! Ai-san, you looked at her, you could still see the legendary taijutsu and bojutsu mistress. Tani Sarubo, who was renowned for a physique on par with Gai-sensei?"

"And now he's, like, a fat fuck," a man with a great Fioren dog said-- Kebukai, Naruto recalled, let him play with the Inuzuka hounds when they were being walked. Good at spooky stuff.

Yuugao nodded. "And he's your jijuu."

"Jijuu-- he's in charge of the money?" Naruto said, eyes narrowing.

"I wondered why the son of the Yondaime would need to receive the standard orphan stipend," Sasuke mused. "I figured it was a way to cloak any money Naruto received from the estate."

"He supplemented it with a token amount," Hina said, face dour and annoyed. Neji beside her-- damn, that was twice he'd seen his Hyuuga cousin musing on causing bodily harm on his behalf. "He's been... politicking for years, counselling we keep our distance, exerting far too much power for his role simply by playing to our expectations-- oh, Sarubo-san's just turned to politics, let his physical edge slip, plenty of nin do that in their old age."

Naruto pursed his lips. "What's changed now?"

"What do you know about Nami?" Heitamaru prompted.

"Was part of Uzu. It's where any civilians from back then settled after the fall if they wouldn't accept the rule of Hi. Kumo, Mizu, whatever village or nation was in on the attack couldn't hold land that close to us that easily," Naruto said easily.

"Recently, this man moved into the area," Yuugao said, placing a photo before him. He noticed Sakura, Sasuke, Sai, and Anko move in to see too. "He is Kazuhiro Gatou, a self made business man. Digging even a little shows connections to slavers, smuggling, and far too much interest in poppy growing."

"Opium," Sasuke practically spat out.

"And morphine, though not any that finds its way to hospitals. He's placed Nami in a chokehold," Ami-nee said, face tight and closed.

"And this gets back to Sarubo-san... how?" Naruto asked.

"He's been sending Gatou money from your tou-san's estate and our clan funds," Ami explained.

1340 h. Hokage's off--

With a slam, the door to the Hokage's office flew open.

Hiruzen looked up. The look on Naruto's face was not happy or pleasant. And that presence... so like his father. The fact he came with team and family in tow... that was all his mother's side. Most of the Uzumaki with any pull in town were gathered in the waiting room outside his office, spilling into the hall. Entering with Naruto were Hyuu- Uzumaki Hina, Neji, Yuugao, and Kebukai; his father's cousin Heitamaru; his teammates and sensei; and his Danzou appointed bodyguard.

"Naruto?"

"Hokage-sama," Naruto returned.

Oh, shite, Hiruzen thought. The only times Naruto had ever referred to him by his title outside an introduction at a formal event was when he had killed in Sarutobi's defense and when his report led to the Great Orphanage Purge.

"Can it wait?" the civilian councilman who had been supplying white noise for an early afternoon think said. "I know you are used to just walking in, Naruto-kun--"

"Kagome-san, I apologise for the interruption, but I need to report possible treason. From what I heard, you are here about security concerns, yes?"

The man blinked at him. "Yes, at the early school and the civilian vocational. Some of the Academy students are... I suspect some bullying... Uzumaki-san."

Naruto nodded. "Hatake Kakashi has been appointed Hosensei, meaning he is in charge of the Academy. Normally, I'd be so kind as to let the Hokage listen so you feel heard, but the problem will be taken care of faster if you address it to Kakashi-san directly. Yuugao-nee?" The woman stepped forward. "My cousin specializes in barrier seals. She should be able to do something with the Academy register and a limit seal if you want the school staff to be aware of Academy-sei coming and going."

"It would be an honour for the Uzumaki clan to help," Yuugao assured the man with a small bow.

The civilian blinked, then looked hard at Naruto. An honest smile formed. "Thank you for that, Uzumaki-san. Both of you. It is... good to know how to solve a problem. Thank you for your time, Hokage-sama." He bowed.

"Meh, meh," Naruto said, waving it off. "Nee-san. Go with. Make sure he gets to Kakashi-nii. The staff is still learning their place."

Yuugao nodded, and gestured for the man to follow. The man paused a moment before Naruto, and considered him again. A different kind of recognition crossed his face.

"I'm told I have Mom's jawline," Naruto managed.

"... you do. And I missed it," Kagome confessed. "Every time you came to my stand with Keiko and her friend..."

"Only I can tell others."

"... I see," Kagome said. "I am Kagome--"

"Isamu," Naruto said. "I remember."

Isamu smiled at him. Bowing his head, the Kagome followed in Yuugao's wake.

"Secure us," Hiruzen said, after the door shut.

"Lock seals engaged," Grizzly murmured. "Privacy seals engaged."

"Naruto," the Hokage prompted, gesturing to his study off of the office.

"Chiaki...?" Naruto prompted, as the former aide fell in beside him while the group filed in.

"I'll explain later. I'm a retainer. Didn't know what--"

"Ami said so," Naruto agreed. "Geez. Old home week. Okay. You're--"

"In a similar position to me," Sai murmured.

Naruto slowly nodded. Hiruzen shook his head. So much hidden, so much to learn. He settled on the cushions that had been prepared almost instantly on his audience dias. Genma and the other appointed KeiBu took up overt guard positions.

"Audience chamber-- locked, secure," Ice Bear called.

"Naruto," Hiruzen began. "From your tone, you are not here to regale me with news of your latest prank."

"Hokage-sama," Naruto settled cross legged before the Hokage's dias. Chiaki and Sai took bodyguard positions nearby. Haruno Sakura took position on Naruto's left and leaned over to murmur in his ear. Hiruzen did not eavesdrop. Naruto nodded, and turned to his right, murmuring Neji's name. His Hyuuga cousin looked stunned, but settled into the other advisor's position. Anko and the others stood or took up seating on couches, cushions or chairs around the room, all with line of sight of the Hokage. Sasuke, Anko, Hina, and Kebukai's canine partner hovered closest. With a glance, Naruto made sure everyone was settled, then met Hiruzen's gaze.

"We really have to talk about Tani Sarubo."

Hiruzen smiled... not his grandfather smile. "Does the head of the Uzumaki have issue with their jijuu?"

"What fucking jijuu, Hokage-sama?" Naruto said with a growl. "No one in charge of my clan's money has ever talked to me. Shite, you're the only one that's ever given me regular money. Kakashi-nii and Ai-nee taught me to manage my funds. I'd rather see one of my cousins handle the Uzumaki funds, and... I'd trust Ai-nee with Dad's. So... what fucking jijuu? The position looks vacant as shite."

"As you say," Hiruzen agreed. "Your father's will was clear on that. You do not wish Sarubo's services, they are gone."

"The Tani are cool with us," Naruto said firmly. "I want to tell Sarubo myself, if you don't mind. Somewhere nice and public."

"Ouch," Genma muttered. "Your cousin Ami...?"

"Thought it was brilliant, yes," Naruto said with a smirk. "I'm not stepping on any toes doing that, am I?"

"Only my so-called-cousin's," Chiaki noted.

"He stuck them in traffic," Neji growled. Growled. There was hope for Gai's most stubborn student, it seemed.

"And on that note," Naruto said, frowning. "I hope you're as sick of hearing the name Kazuhiro Gatou as I am, Jii-sama."

"More so, I've heard it more. It is not solely for the Uzumaki's money we have begun to move into Nami," the Hokage said with a wry smile.

"The money is secondary. That parasite went after Sasuke's land, among other things. He needs to be stomped on, hard."

"Agreed," Hiruzen nodded.

"And we Uzumaki need to be seen to be part of it."

Hiruzen blinked at his surrogate grandson. "Naruto...?"

"Hiding me has hurt others. Nami likely thinks Konoha has forgotten them," Naruto said, face more serious than anyone would have thought. "If it were known that we were here in Konoha, even in the form of a single family, I don't think Nami would look that ripe."

Hiruzen slowly nodded. "Granted."

"Now, Sakura, Sasuke and I can't go, we're not ready."

Hiruzen glanced at Anko, who nodded.

"I agree as does your sensei."

"Who's out there already?" Sakura prompted, blushing but remaining composed.

A kunoichi for sure.

Hiruzen pursed his lips. "Your parents," Hiruzen said, in two words assuring her all present were 'in the dark'. "A seasoned team with a jounin-sensei, two chuunin, and a genin so close to a field promotion as to make no odds are acting as obvious bodyguards. As well, your friends on Team Yamada are working their magic."

"Naruto, may I suggest--" Neji began.

"If you're sitting where you are, the answer to that is yes," Naruto said blandly.

"Forgive me for my Hyuuga habits. Hokage-sama. I believe that Tsume Andoryu's team would be a suitable 'next wave'. Rei's branch of the Uzumaki is closely related to the main house, and Shikako is Rei's half-sister's cousin. Their teammate is a foster of the clan. If your assessment of their skills endorses it...?"

Hiruzen slowly nodded. "That could work. But, Naruto-- people will know the Uzumaki are centred in Konoha. It will be easy to reason some of your secrets from there. Are you sure you do not wish to wait until you are more settled--"

"They can see the monument," Naruto pointed out bluntly. "And we don't care. Hiding us now is like hiding the Hyuuga, or the existence of our forest. 'Keeping it a secret will imply weakness when revealed.'"

Hiruzen smiled. "You are right, as Sensei was when that was first said."

"And Nami needs help now," Naruto said.

Sasuke leaned forward to speak in Naruto's ear, just loud enough to be heard by the room at large. "Do you think the Haruno might be convinced to... show overt support when we strike?" Sasuke asked. "Given their clan history..."

"Eh?" Sakura prompted, startled out of her respectful silence.

"Bastard?" Naruto wondered. "What the fuck you on about, chum?"

"Ah," Hiruzen said, drawing out his pipe. "A history lesson, then. To explain why that idea is brilliant."

##

1345 h. The spot seems more perfect now.

"For the record. Yes, you fucked up. But I fucked up more."

Shikamaru slowly sat up, and turned to his sensei. After the five minutes of silence, that was not what he was expecting.

"Yeah, I fucked up," Asuma said with a shrug. "Look, you haven't commited a high crime with Naruto yet-- mainly because he isn't treating it as one. He has a right to be offended, and you have a duty to apologise, but it's not the first time a nin has stumbled into a comrade having big secrets attached. Treat it with the gravity it deserves. Lay off the 'troublesome' when talking about it, swallow your pride, apologise, and move on."

After a moment, Shikamaru slowly nodded. "As you say, Sensei."

Asuma pulled out a cigarette, and gave him a look. At Shikamaru's nod of permission, he lit up and took a drag.

"So. Your dad's taijutsu style. Just 'troublesome' or not where you want to go?"

He had to take another moment there. "I... take after mom's physique too much to capitalize on it. That and I have no wish to condition my body that way. The things post beating does to your hands..."

##

1405 h. Conference Room C, Hokage's Tower.

"Genta? Mako-sensei?" Naruto said, blinking at the sushi-ya and academy-sensei. Chiaki had to smirk. Wrong footing Naruto as a prelude to a surprise was always fun. "You're... Uzumaki retainers too?"

Mako laid Ten no Shinken on the table. "What do you know about the history shared between Uzushio and Tetsu?"

"... I know they used to guard each other's shipments on the Green Ocean routes between Hi and the Demon Isles, and that when Uzushio fell, the Tetsugun of the day declared the Samurai nation would not involve themselves with the Hidden Villages' politics, and they've been neutral since in every major conflict."

"The Uzuyabun and the Head of the Shiba Clan of the day met once, just after Uzu's founding," Chiaki said, laying Ki no Shinken on the table before him. "It was in Hi, under the Shodai Hokage's blessing. Both had no little interest in fuuinjutsu, and Mito-sama was present as well. By all accounts, the two got along famously. Shiba Retsudou was a man of dry wit and simple pleasures, and Uzumaki Aya was every bit a boisterous intellectual who came at things from the one direction everyone else at the table had not even considered."

"... sounds like they kinda established their types," Naruto muttered with an eyeroll.

Genta laughed, laying Sakanmaru on the table. The tanto looked odd beside the two katana. "They rather did. Anyway, traveling with the Shiba head that day were allies of his-- members of four clans aligned to him, a Shiba subordinate from another clan, and his personal chef."

Naruto grinned. "The chef--"

"Was the son of a cop, an Umemori," Genta confirmed with a nod. "Retsudou-sama's servant was as tradition dressed in the manner of a kabuki stagehand and was of the Shinichi clan. The samurai retainers were from the Hanaori, Ikenami, Shiraishi--"

"And the Senju branch that originally settled in Tetsu, the Tani..." Naruto finished. Tani nodded, smiling.

"Samurai take hospitality very seriously," Mako said, and looking at Naruto, Chiaki saw that perhaps there was one other teacher in the academy who might have been able to take him without ire or bias. "So he insisted that he and his retainers would accompany the Uzuyabun to the border between Hi and her newly founded homeland."

"Enemy nin ambush?" Naruto wondered.

Chiaki shook his head. "A Gedoushuu and its pawns. What someone from Barsaive would call a Horror, or a Grimm by Keltic parlance."

Naruto's jaw dropped and he blinked.

"The party from Uzu and their escort from Tetsu won the day, with no lives lost and the Gedoushuu banished. That particular monster would return again and again, and while he is currently hampered after being sealed away, his cult is still active," Chiaki continued. "But after that, Aya declared that each clan had earned the Uzumaki's undying loyalty. She asked they come with her to Uzushio itself, and there she set about redressing what she saw as a great wrong. She went so far as to yank off the servant's hood, so he could claim credit."

"Each of our ancestors, you see," Mako explained, "shattered their blade defending her. Save Shinichi Goto, who used only the pair of practice bouken he grabbed from the effects of Retsudou's eldest son."

Naruto's eyes now went wide. "Emiya Shirou had forges in Konoha and Uzushio back then..."

"At the time, the Hero of Justice was in Uzu," Genta said. "And upon hearing what they had done for his dear friend, he did not leave it at giving us swords. Each family was given a weapon suited to our style-- if I am not using my clan's style with Sakanmaru here, I am using our jitte. The Shinichi use a kuruki knife paired with their katana-- my friend Takera, the current holder is amazing with them. Mako's family uses a tessen in a manner that makes one think they were Suna fan users."

"Your spear!" Naruto said, pointing at Chiaki, who nodded.

"The gifts were so heartfelt, so suited to each clan," the Tani said, "that the Shiba and his retainers felt... not so much indebted to, or the need to balance the scales--"

"The thought in a gift matters," Genta said, smiling. "Aya-sama's depth of feeling touched them. Forge, the Shinichi gained a blade and became full samurai because of the gift of a sword. So each family decided that from that day forward, at least one member would be posted in Uzu to be available should their friends the Uzumaki need them. By the time Uzu fell, the Shiraishi, Hanaori, and Tani were basically based there, there was an Umemori acting as head of their version of the KeiBu, and Aya's grandson-- yours and Takeru's shared great grandfather-- was a member of one of the now thriving Shinichi's branch houses."

"It was said that if the Uzumaki were the seal masters," Mako said, closing her eyes with a wistful smile, "then their allies were like mojikara, helping bind Uzushio together. The samurai that became so close to them, in particular, gained a name of their own."

Chiaki leaned forward. "Naruto. Here before you, you have three of the Uzu no Fuuin. The other four Seals are coming, and while Uzu is gone... we still feel we have duty to you. Will you let us honour the bond we have with the Uzumaki, my lord?"

Naruto was silent for a long time after that.

"Ikenami... as in the Ikenami Kabuki group?"

Chiaki blinked at the question. "Er, yes."

"Who are they going to send? When their Seal comes?"

Mako rolled her eyes. "Yes, it'll be Ryunosuke, Naruto." At Chiaki's questioning look, she sighed. Even as Naruto noted this was good because "Ryu-nii's so silly," she explained, "They've performed a few festivals and Ryu-san... made an impression.

"Ryu-nii's Awesome," Naruto declared firmly. "He's funny."

"He's a stick in the mud," Genta grumbled.

At Naruto's puzzlement, Chiaki grinned and leaned over. "It's hard to tell which one's the boke, between those two."

At Naruto's answering chortle, Genta shook his head. "No respect."

##

1407 h. KeiBu HQ.

Takenaka Sora blinked as Uchiha Sasuke strode into Keibu headquarters and marched right up to the main desk manned by Hyuuga Kazushi.

Not like he owned the place-- Sasuke had never been that kind of Uchiha.

But there was an air of Important Business to the Old Chief's son.

"Message from the Hokage," Sasuke ground out, and several of the officers stood. Others gestured higher ranking KeiBu who came out of their offices to silence.

"I await it," Kazushi said.

"But first, on a personal note-- drop the fucking Acting KeiBu Hanchou shite, Kazushi. It's driving us all nuts, and gives the impression you're just waiting to hand it over to me when I'm old enough. I find that idea personally offensive. Even if Hiashi suggested you, you were vetted by the Hokage and his advisors. You're a KeiBu lifer. Your rank is Keisatsu-chou Choukan, use it."

His matter of fact tone reminded Sora of his mother.

"Damn straight," Sora muttered, and several of her fellows made similar noises.

Kazushi blinked, and seemed honestly shocked at the sounds of support. He then nodded. "As... you say, Uchiha-san. The Hokage has orders for his KeiBu?

"Tani Sarubo has offended our Hokage, the Uzumaki, the noble office of jijuu, and me with his flagrant violations of the law," the Loyal Uchiha said.

"Tani... the Endless Assault?" Kazushi wondered.

Sasuke set three piles of files on the duty desk, slam, slam, slam. "All of the details are in these files. Best summary on top of that last one."

The Hyuuga scanned the frontpage of that stack... and his clan's gift activated, veins bulging, face tight. "Attend. Tani Sarubo has been embezzling the funds of the noble Uzumaki clan for the use of a crime lord attempting to make Nami his personal fiefdom. He has worked to compromise the care of Uzumaki Naruto. He has attempted to gain land in Konoha itself for this crime lord, this... Kazuhiro Gatou. Including the Uchiha land."

There was a restrained ripple of shock. Sora herself felt her teeth clench. The Endless Assault, a Tani, a man the Yellow Flash had called his brother in public... had betrayed them.

"Atsuko-junsa!"

The young KeiBu emerged from the crowd behind the chief. "Here, Choukan!"

"Take... this file," Kazushi said, holding out one from the second stack, "to the Warrant Office in the Tower. I'm sure the secretaries there are eagerly awaiting to give you the papers we need to act on the contents."

"As you order!" the young officer said, taking the file and speeding off.

"Sora-junsa!"

Sora stepped forward. "Your orders, Choukan?"

The Hyuuga scrawled out a note. "Assemble teams for bodyguard duty, same level as the Hokage's. I want Team Seven's watch scaled up, I want the main Uzumaki in town covered, I want Ai-sama covered."

"Choukan--" a voice began, and the head of the KeiBu held up his hand to his left, silencing her.

"I don't care how sharp he appears to be, this man fought alongside both of the Yondaime!" Kazushi said firmly. "Underestimating him could get someone hurt! Have the gate guards been notified?"

"The Hokage has sent my teammate Haruno Sakura with a message locking down outgoing traffic," Sasuke said. "The reason given is that T&I has been sent out to retrieve the family of a recently arriving refugee, and so they wish to minimize problems. They are related to the Uzumaki."

"Excellent. The rest of you, keep the other cases moving if you have one active, and be ready to move, we'll assign teams as needed-- and I'll take most of you being eager volunteers as read," the Hyuuga finished with a smirk.

##

1408 h. Konoha, Main Gate.

"Okay. That's the cover," Kotetsu said, folding the orders from the Hokage's desk and giving the girl that had so often seen her parents off at the gate a firm look. "Now, what's the real reason?" None of his usually easy going attitude was evident.

Sakura pursed her lips. "All I can say is wild wolf in the woods."

At the line from the code Tsume-sama's hunters used, the two gate guards looked at each other. When they turned back, their faces were not their usual kindly selves.

"You're telling Maruboshi-sama this too?" Izumo said.

She nodded. Part of Izumo idly wondered why the girl wasn't more surprised to hear him call a genin 'sama'. "He has full clearance--"

"Sarutobi-sama made that clear," Sakura assured him. She smirked. "Though I did kind of figure the Eternal Genin would."

"Good," Izumo said. "Meanwhile, no one gets out."

"No matter who," Kosetsu agreed.

##

1435 h. Chai Yachi-chan

"Tani Sarubo?"

Sarubo turned and blinked at the voice. "... Uzumaki...?" he managed.

The name made the boy's frown deepen. Then, a face that looked close to but not quite like either Namikaze's or Uzumaki's set, and the boy shook his head.

"Your services-- look, you ain't my jijuu any more. I... my dad respected you, gave you..." Another headshake. "Ai-nee will be looking after the Namikaze family fortunes now, and Ami-nee the Uzumaki clan books."

"I see," Sarubo said. "Uzumaki-san, you may not be aware, but my clan--"

The boy pointed, and Sarubo noticed his cousin, sword at his side, standing guard. "Chiaki is still a Seal, the Tani and the Uzumaki are still cool," the boy said simply.

"Oh," was all Sarubo said to that.

The boy met Sarubo's eyes. "If you had talked to me once... even once, checked on me... I wouldn't be doing it this way. Now... you don't talk to me. Ever. Okay?"

And he turned and walked away.

Sarubo could hear the mutters start as he turned to stare down into his cooling tea. He could feel the eyes of the shop owner, Hyuuga Yachi, cold and withering on his back. He knew some were looking shocked after the boy, thinking 'Fuck. The kid really is an Uzumaki,' or in dull realization of whose son Naruto must be. Some were glaring with Yachi at him.

Well, he reflected dully, that changes things.

##

1448 h. Mulan Assembly Hall.

Sakura paid no heed to how her Almighty Bitch Slap knocked her Kiku-ba off her feet. She and her fellow Haruno Nin formed a majority among voting Haruno near the bar, and she heard many a noise of approval from that elite group.

"The next one that asks why a Haruno should help an Uzumaki gets offered up to Maito Gai for use as a live target for taijutsu practice! Am. I. Fucking. Clear?"

"Aw, can't we take care of it in house, Sakura-chan?" her cousin Katsura asked, a slight whine in his voice.

"I have two Rock Clan members eager to help, I feel compelled to call on their aid," Sakura said with a shrug.

"Fair enough," the cryptologist conceded, and there was an agreeable murmur from most of the other nin.

"Sakura--" one of the few nin who didn't began-- former nin Haruno Udzuki in this case. And it was in that 'I'm suggesting this for your own good' tone that her mother sometimes used while playing civilian.

She hadn't been kidding when she'd told her Sensei she really fucking hated that tone during induction.

"Suck it and die, Zuki-ba," Sakura interrupted cleanly, "ninja fucking matter. Those three--" she indicated the trio of voting age civilians at the gathering-- "--are all here as a courtesy."

There was silence, and then a cackling. Everyone turned to see Haruno Airi, their head of clan, jet black hair dancing around her face as she chortled. "I was wondering when one of you would call the rest on their dumbfuckery!"

One of her cousins-- another former nin, Hiroki-- approached the elder. "Airi-baa-chan, we merely--"

The woman's cane went up, and the man was the second Haruno at the meet to go arse over tea kettle. "Don't you Airi-baa-chan me, Hiroki, I was a jounin before you were being knit together in Ran's womb!" The woman stood. "Sakura-chan, please enlighten these fools a little?"

Sakura smirked. When had she forgotten being a Haruno practically entitled her to be a Badass Kunoichi? "The Kagami of Hi. The Su of Uzushio. Merged through marriage under auspices of the Uzuyabun. Sponsored to settle as the Haruno by the Uchiha. And explicitly banned from entangling themselves in the genetic sense with their sponsor clans."

One of her civilian relatives snorted. "That does not mean we cannot benefit from--"

"According to the documents that the Hokage himself showed me today," Sakura said, glaring at her plump Aika-ba (Am I projecting ki? You might want to be aware of when you're doing that, Sakura, she chided herself) "as part of our founding charter, a Haruno-- any Haruno-- marrying into either of our sponsor clans is no longer a Haruno. The two clans that merged to become the Haruno asked for this, to prevent the new clan from becoming mere genetic stock for either of its patrons. And there will be no dowry or favour granted to us from such a union either, or we lose our status as a clan of Konoha. Piss off back to the trade commission and your art weekly."

Aika blinked at her. "I-- am your elder, girl--"

"Actually," Airi said, her voice suddenly cold--

--and with a start, Sakura connected what she was feeling now to the feeling of standing next to someone Iruka-sensei was chewing out with his infamous big head jutsu and realized the chuunin had been projecting ki--

"Actually, Aika," her head of clan said, "as a nin, she out ranks any civilian of the clan. And in fact, as the only nin of her generation whose parents have allowed to take the genin exam rather than just rolling over into the general corps... she is my only viable successor."

Sakura managed a weak smile as all eyes fell on her. "Uh. Really?"

"Your brother was heir before you," her cousin Momoka said, and the other nin nodded and murmured. Her blush only grew at the approval many eyes showed.

"As this is a nin matter, in fact, only those currently serving or who once were nin have a vote that matters," Airi concluded.

"Surely," Kiku began, even as she favoured her cheek and looked warily at Sakura, "surely our input--"

"Perhaps your courtesy was rashly extended, Baa-sama."

The other two voting civilians turned to the third and youngest of their number in shock. Hanano, Sakura remembered. Opening an udon cart. The woman, at 19, was the youngest Haruno there besides Sakura herself. She bowed to... she was bowing to Sakura herself. "If your information comes from the Hokage himself, I have no reason to doubt it."

Sakura nodded in turn, turned to the bar and grabbed a stack of papers. "Here is the valid information."

"Thank you," Hanano said with her own nod, and smiled slightly. Then she looked to the nin in general. "As this is so, while I appreciate the invitation... I trust the nin of our clan to reply appropriately to whatever matter we might render aid to our sponsors in. As it is, we have not even been able to hear what issue our heir was bringing to us."

She turned to leave.

"Actually," Airi said, closing on the two youngest Haruno, "I would ask Hanano to stay. Kiku, Aika... you are excused."

Kiku blinked, then her face twisted. "I'll have a petition on the Hokage's desk--"

"Oh, good," Sakura said with a sardonic grin. And this one was quite deliberately backed by ki. "The Professor will need a good end of day yuck."

"You eeep!" Kiku said. This pointed rebuttal was perhaps aided by the clan head's own ki rising.

"Kiku. Aika. You are not needed," the elderly jounin said. As the two bid a hasty retreat, Sakura felt a sudden warmth as Airi's left arm draped over her shoulder. She noticed Hanano blushing under the embrace of the old Haruno's right arm.

"It is good to see you two do not embody our folly," Airi said, smiling. "Now, come. Let us sort out how to support our noble patrons, hm? Maybe start the road to blossoms, whirlpools, and fans being mentioned alongside boars, deer, and butterflies, mm?"

##

1501 h. Conference Room C, Hokage's Tower.

"She's cute," Naruto observed in an offhanded manner.

"Yes," Genta agreed, considering the picture of Hanaori Kotoha the two were looking at. "She is. We're just waiting for her and Takeru to awaken to the blindingly obvious fact that they adore each other. She tends to be deferential by default; she still uses -dan with most of us."

"Grew up in Nami, then?" Naruto wondered.

"She will be rather pleased at what you're insisting on the Gato front, yes," Mako noted absently from where she was scanning paperwork with Chiaki. She passed over a sheet of paper. "Here. You don't need to affirm this one personally, but I think you'd like to."

Naruto read the summary at the top of the first page, then blinked at it and read it again. "Wait, I'm Iruka-sensei's lord?"

Mako gave a small chuckle. "If you read on, you'll see the relationship has evolved, rather like that between the Nara, Akimichi, and Yamanaka."

"... does this mean I don't owe him for all that ramen?"

Chiaki struggled with laughter as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Genta chortled. Mako rolled her eyes even as a small smile played across her face.

"What? Ramen is serious business!"

"Naruto," Genta managed, "a smart lord always pays his debts, even as the debtor humbly insists there isn't one."

##

1513 h. KeiBu HQ.

"Is... this a bad time?"

The woman had not startled Sasuke with her approach, but her voice got his attention. His head turned, slowly.

His cousin's fiance was as blonde as one expected a Yamanaka to be, thin and fit and just slightly curvy.

"Honoka-nee," he greeted her, knowing he was composing himself far too much to be casual, knowing otherwise he'd be a babbling mess. He turned back to watching the KeiBu pass and work. He'd often sat on this bench Before.

"I love watching the station go," he managed. "Makes me feel-- relaxed but ready. The floor staff used to get me to run for paperwork, remember?"

She settled beside him, and he could hear the amusement in her voice. "I recall sending you out for a horse and deer requisition form among some typical paperwork."

He gave an amused hum. "You pouted for a week when I came back with the actual paperwork. I saw Tou-san pull that on one of the junior detectives, once." His amusement faded. "I... wanted to be like him, once."

"You... don't any more?" Honoka asked. Don't look at her, he thought. You're not ready yet.

"'The years have brought perspective, and so I can not regret them.' Madara said that, once. Some think he was quoting the Rikudou Sennin. My father... was not a nice man, and near the end... his friends have described him to me as a drowning man too proud to accept help. He was a good KeiBu Keisatsu-chou Choukan, but a rather lousy father. He seemed hellbent on being every negative stereotype of the clan. My mother is the one on the memorial stone, Honoka-nee."

He finally looked at her, and gave her a weak smile at the tears in her eyes.

"With Shisui and Obito. Those are the only true Uchiha that I have lived to see-- and only two of those, at that."

Honoka laid an arm around him. "I know another one, at least."

"A true Uchiha... Kaa-san would not have left you alone all these years, Nee-san. I am... so... sorry," he managed. And damn it. First time since That Day the tears were fully flowing.

"Sasuke. Sasuke, look at me," Honoka said, her grip shifting so that she had a hand on each of his shoulders. He met her gaze and was impressed by the intensity.

"I know for a fact your mother was so proud of you."

So proud of you.

Sasuke blinked, and felt something inside himself twist.

So proud of you. The term echoed, over and over, and like any repeat echo it seemed to distort, and then be altered and expanded by later speech.

Until he was hearing his mother's voice.

I'm so proud of you both. Your father was a fool. You'll find a better way.

"Paths..." he managed weakly, sliding to the floor, falling to his knees.

I can help you hide our secrets, little brother. But there's a risk they'll never be found.

Someone-- several someones were calling his name, and he was dimly aware of Kazushi evenly but tensely saying something to Honoka, and Honoka quietly and calmly replying.

If you do remember anything, remember this first.

His hand shot out, everything tinted jade and moving just fast enough for him to get in there and do his thing. His grip landed on Kazushi's wrist.

Our enemy...

"Kazushi. Get me Shimura-sama and Utatane-sama. Now."

His voice was firm, and a Sharingan he had activated only once before started stimulating the parts of his brain needed to support its wonders. He could almost feel his mind changing... or finishing a change. Maybe the last time it was active, it only got halfway done. Re-wiring a mind can't be simple. Something to talk to his optic inin about. And others.

"Sasuke-kun?" Kazushi was asking.

"If they ask why," Sasuke continued, smiling an Uchiha's small, reserved smile, "you may tell them..."

Our enemy has failed.

"Tell them I have information regarding the Massacre and the outsider that instigated it." At the Hyuuga's confused blink, he gave a slight bow. "Please. I will explain in full when I am able."

"It worked?" Honoka said, and he turned to her. She was crying still, but there was relief there now. "We weren't sure, even with--"

"Skill does not come with the ability," Sasuke agreed. "But my brother managed. Thanks to Shisui's gift, we have a chance." He laid a hand on her shoulder, smiled again, mused idly that Uchiha truly were people of subtlety, and then hugged Honoka back as she grabbed him. She was laughing and crying all at once and while he knew she knew, he told her.

"Everything's going to be okay, Nee-san."

##

1536 h. Main Gate.

"Good day, boys," Sarubo said, smiling as he approached the main gate. He wore his hitai-ate upon his forehead and had a pack on his back.

"Tani-sama," Kotetsu said, nodding to him. "How are you this fine day?"

"Oh, excellent, my boy. Excellent. Was thinking of taking a walk around the forest outside town, like my sensei used to take us on. Maybe even see if these old legs can manage to take me over the treetops, still. I've got my hunting gear, and a lunch in case I've let myself go that far..."

Izumo smiled at him. "That sounds like a wonderful evening out indeed, Tani-sama. And normally your travel permissions would allow that with no issue."

"Oh?" Sarubo said, blinking in confusion. "I-- did bring my travel papers, in case I missed an alert or something."

Izumo sighed. "I wish it were that simple, sir. But we're on a short lockdown."

"A lockdown?" Sarubo said, blinking. "Do... we have infiltrators? Should I see if I am needed at the guard house?"

"If that were the case," Kotetsu with a grin, "I'm sure the gang there would welcome the help of ol' Endless. But no. We had a refugee from the Calamity in Cael slip in. He's of the Uzumaki, and he was wary. Wasn't sure he and his family would be welcome. Some of Tsume's bunch and a T&I group went out to get his wife and kidlet."

"Ah. I see. Wanting to minimize the risk of friendly fire on ourselves or the refugees," Sarubo agreed with a nod. "Admirable."

And then he bowed his head, raised his hands before him, and interlinked the fingers of his hands. He smiled.

"But futile."

Twisting his wrists and pushing his palms outward, Tani Sarubo cracked his knuckles.