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Old 06-02-2010, 01:07 AM   #1
Jameswudz
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Litigious Vampire Sues Government

Local Vampire Sues US Government

Vamp Claims Government Promotion of Healthy Diet Contributed to Bite

Vampire Daily (VD) – The attorney for Greguleze, a local vampire, has announced a lawsuit against the Federal Government.

Michael B. Chaser, aka M. Bulanse Chaser, attorney for Greguleze, alleges in the lawsuit that since the government started promoting oatmeal as a healthy alternative to bacon and eggs, vampire induced punctures (VIPs) have increased fifty-four percent. According to Chaser, “since the government initiated its ‘oatmeal – it only looks like gruel’ campaign, parents have been denying children cholesterol rich traditional bacon and eggs breakfast, thereby making them more enticing to biters.

Government lawyers, speaking on the condition of anonymity, are confident they will win. “There is no merit to this lawsuit” said one. “There is no precedent. Government has never been held liable, or for that matter, accountable, for any consequence of its actions. Regretfully, this young man was bitten. And while government actions likely contributed to it, he’s not collecting one red cent from us. Bottom line: we are the government and we know what’s best. If you don’t like it, you can kiss our asses!”

The case has divided the country along political lines.

Longtime leader of the Humans Against Ghouls (HAG) party, Keelumal Wifstakes, is sounding off. “Last year we had 39,000 reported biters. This year, we’re over 60,000. If these trends continue, Vamps soon will outnumber humans. We’re marching into their enclave Sunday, ready for a fight.” When VD pointed out that his planned march was scheduled to end at 2 in the afternoon, he asked “what’s your point?”

Lettum Bytuzal, House Leader and spokeswoman for the Let Them Have Blood (LTHB) party insists the problem isn’t as bad as the other side makes it out to be. “Last year, only 60,000 biters were reported. In the grand scheme of things, that’s only like, something less than a hundred percent of the total biter population. If we can keep it at these levels, uninfected humans will outnumber Vamps forever. When someone pointed out that 54% year-over-year increases in biters would render humans extinct in less than 50 years, she asked “what’s your point?”

Tensions have been running high since Congress recently passed the Blood for Underprivileged Monsters (BUM) act, mandating that every able-bodied American either give blood to please the tastes of Monsters or face a fine.

Bytuzal defended BUM and the oatmeal campaign, declaring “it is immoral to deny any race nourishment. It is not the vampires’ fault. They need to eat. Humanity is at fault for possessing blood vamps enjoy so. We have an obligation to ensure all blood is healthy as possible.”

“Ludicrous,” said Keelumal. “If they need blood, let them get it the old fashioned way. Humans don’t want Government ordering them to give blood. And they certainly don’t want the government telling them to eat healthy so when they’re attacked, their attackers will be getting the best possible blood. Myself, I’m eatin’ a jar of grease when this interview’s over. We need to repeal this law and keep Government off of our kitchen tables.”

Polling shows a full 91% want the government to repeal the law. The other 9% are teenage girls.

Meanwhile, nearly half of the world’s 600,000 vampires polled say they are unhappy with their leadership. A full 38% cited lack of pure human blood as the reason Supreme Elder Ovula is suffering her lowest popularity ever. They blame Ovula’s decision to sign the Common Respect for Animals and People (CRAP) treaty fifty years ago for their problems. That treaty called for vamps to drink a blood mixture from cows, pigs and humans. They insist their race is being systematically forced to change their tastes. One vamp said “Why drink the CPH when I can have vitamin B?

VD caught up with Greguleze, who agreed to sit down with us on the condition we dropped the “uleze” off the end of his name. Said Greg, “I don’t like the name. Before I was bitten, I was Greg."

We will bring that interview to you in our next edition.

Last edited by Jameswudz; 06-02-2010 at 03:18 AM.
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Old 06-02-2010, 01:50 AM   #2
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Okay, shall we officially elect this the Weirdest First Post Evah?
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Old 06-02-2010, 01:56 AM   #3
Jameswudz
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That's exactly what I was going for!
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Old 06-02-2010, 02:03 AM   #4
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Old 06-02-2010, 02:11 AM   #5
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Kitten, can I take it there? Or do I ask a moderator?
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Old 06-02-2010, 02:15 AM   #6
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More than "probably", I think.

And dude, remember that first impressions are lasting. Your first impression, at least with me, is that you're about 14, your family and friends tell you how "creative" and "special" you are, you think (quite wrongly) that the adult world is just waiting for you to "stir things up", and you're looking for attention. Any or all of this might not be right, of course, but that's the impression I got from your post.

Seriously, when you spam up the ebook/reader/industry general discussion thread with some off-topic and juvenile ... stuff ... about vampires and breakfast, instead of introducing yourself on the "Introduce Yourself" board, or posting your strange stuff in the Lounge, how do you expect people to react? "Oh, wow, he's so kewl, he breaks the rules! That's just sooooo awesome!" Sorry, this is an adult forum (even if some of our members are not chronologically adults) and that's not admirable, it's just disruptive. You are not getting the kind of attention that you want.

Your relationship with the MobileRead forums is not really getting off to a good start.
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Old 06-02-2010, 02:30 AM   #7
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Ah, good, it's moved. Thanks, mods!
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Old 06-02-2010, 02:30 AM   #8
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More than "probably", I think.

And dude, remember that first impressions are lasting. Your first impression, at least with me, is that you're about 14, your family and friends tell you how "creative" and "special" you are, you think (quite wrongly) that the adult world is just waiting for you to "stir things up", and you're looking for attention. Any or all of this might not be right, of course, but that's the impression I got from your post.

Seriously, when you spam up the ebook/reader/industry general discussion thread with some off-topic and juvenile ... stuff ... about vampires and breakfast, instead of introducing yourself on the "Introduce Yourself" board, or posting your strange stuff in the Lounge, how do you expect people to react? "Oh, wow, he's so kewl, he breaks the rules! That's just sooooo awesome!" Sorry, this is an adult forum (even if some of our members are not chronologically adults) and that's not admirable, it's just disruptive. You are not getting the kind of attention that you want.

Your relationship with the MobileRead forums is not really getting off to a good start.
Harsh! One word: Xanax!

Last edited by Jameswudz; 06-02-2010 at 02:38 AM.
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Old 06-02-2010, 02:33 AM   #9
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Hello Jameswudz,

As you will note, I have moved this thread to The Lounge (<---linky), where it would probably best sit, unless you wanted feedback on your creativity from other writers, in which case I suggest you also check out our Writers' Corner (<---linky). For what it's worth, where you initially posted it - E-Book General (<---linky) is for "general discussions about ebook reading not specific to a device, software or format" (my bolding there), whereas The Lounge (<---linky) is for "friendly banter and discussions unrelated to e-books" (my bolding again - it's quite...eclectic in The Lounge ).

Also, can I suggest you pop over to our newcomer place - Introduce Yourself (<---linky) - and perhaps, well, introduce yourself; tell us a bit about yourself, see if anyone brings doughnuts or something (Mmm, doughnuts)?

Welcome. Remember, if you feel you've got off on the wrong foot, well, that's good, because you've got your right foot to counterbalance.

Cheers,
Marc (with my first Moderator post)
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Old 06-02-2010, 02:52 AM   #10
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Old 06-02-2010, 02:56 AM   #11
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Marc, your avatar scares me.
You shouldn't be scared...

...or should you? [DA-DA-DAAAAAaaaa] (<---that's meant to be one of those dramatic music thingies. It doesn't quite work in print, does it? Oh, well. Back to fashioning voodoo dolls instead... )
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Old 06-02-2010, 03:00 AM   #12
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Wow! Marc is moderating. Cheers
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Old 06-02-2010, 05:35 AM   #13
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Wow! Marc is moderating. Cheers
Cheers? Run!
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Old 06-02-2010, 05:40 AM   #14
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More than "probably", I think.

And dude, remember that first impressions are lasting. Your first impression, at least with me, is that you're about 14, your family and friends tell you how "creative" and "special" you are, you think (quite wrongly) that the adult world is just waiting for you to "stir things up", and you're looking for attention. Any or all of this might not be right, of course, but that's the impression I got from your post.

Seriously, when you spam up the ebook/reader/industry general discussion thread with some off-topic and juvenile ... stuff ... about vampires and breakfast, instead of introducing yourself on the "Introduce Yourself" board, or posting your strange stuff in the Lounge, how do you expect people to react? "Oh, wow, he's so kewl, he breaks the rules! That's just sooooo awesome!" Sorry, this is an adult forum (even if some of our members are not chronologically adults) and that's not admirable, it's just disruptive. You are not getting the kind of attention that you want.

Your relationship with the MobileRead forums is not really getting off to a good start.

I rather liked the story... I hope there'll be more!


(also, try to find an introduction post from me... And sometimes people don't know where to post things. Give him a break!)
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Old 06-02-2010, 06:12 AM   #15
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Wow! Marc is moderating. Cheers
Quote:
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Cheers? Run!

Okay ....


Which way ?
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