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Old 02-22-2010, 02:14 AM   #1
mvisconte
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Stream? Prunk!

It was early when I got to town. I had come in from the country -- where the air is great and the food is fresh, to the city... where the air is there and the good is around if you can find someplace willing to serve you.

I parked outside of Adrian's and walked into the door. It hurt. I opened the door and walked through.

I was greeted with a resounding "NORM!"
I turned and walked back out... looking up at the building. This happened sometimes. I walked back through the door and it was Adrian's again.

In the dark recesses, I could see demonic 7- and 8-year olds playing on flaming swingsets and splintered teeter-totters. In the distance, a tinkling laugh came from the men's room.

"All right, *I* do the bad puns in this story!"

The dark recesses went back into class and I was alone again, for a moment.

Walking up to the bar, I called out to Pshrynk, "Hey doc, what'll you have?"

"That's my job. What will you have?"

"Oh nothing, I'm just (pausing for siniter effect) waiting for a man."

Pshrync raised his eyebrows at me and looked at me silently for a moment. I caught up with his train of thought just before it ran over me.

"NO! That's not what I meant."

"None of my busiess..."

"No, I'm waiting to MEET someone."

"Not that I care, it's just that..."

"No. I mean, I'm supposed to meet someone. Here. A man. I'm supposed to meet him here. Aw crap. Can't I just leave and come back in again?"

"Suit yourself."

I turned back to the door. "Hellacious waste of time" I mumbled not quite under my breath.

"You didn't specify!" he called out after me.

I walked out and checked the mooring lines on my dig, counted to ten. I hoped that would be enough. I walked back through the door and it was night. The place was smokey -- which was strange, because it was "you better not be smoking unless you're on fire" night. I quickly checked my clothes and relaxed as a man with flaming red hair ran past me screaming. Well, he was headed towards the river anyway.

I walked up to the bar and started to speak when pshrynk looked up at me brightly, his face breaking into a glad smile, "NORM!". Everybody stopped what they were doing and looked in my direction with happy smiles.

"DON'T START WITH ME!" I hissed, glaring at him.

He giggled uncharacteristically and put a drink in front of me.

"Zany Carter?" I asked, somewhat mollified.

"Nope, that's a 'Wacky Nixon'" I raised my eyebrows. "Copy right violation... " he explained. I put my eyebrows back and took a sip. I coughed into the drink and sent a spray into the air. A nearby candle exploded into a brilliant burst of flame. "What th-!"

"Naptha, Kerosene, coconut oil, dried blood, and some alcohol to cut it."

Napalm. "I'll save it for later, it might come in handy. Can I have something a little less volitile?" Psyrynk looked a little disappointed, but started away making something that was hopefully palatable. I poured what was left into my right pocket.

"You've been gone a while, haven't you?" Pshrynk called out as he worked.

"I was, uh, working. Listen, anybody been in asking for me?"

"Uh working. That sounds suspicious. Who's supposed to be looking for you? Is there a reward?"

"I don't know, I never met him." Pshrynk looked at me expectancely. "No, not that I know of... I'm also looking for him, so no rewards either way."

"What's he look like?"

"I don't know... tall midget, emaciated fat man? I was just told that he calls himself-"

"Herr Doktor Fishmahn!" a rather disreputable-looking fellow at the end of the bar announced, loudly, and with ominous intent.

A cold draft suddenly blew through the bar, sending candles guttering and paper napkins cascading from tables. The murmer of conversation dropped to silence, everyone suddenly interested in their drinks while straining their ears towards the stranger.

"What? I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What did you say?"

"Herr Doktor FISHMAHN! You are vaiting for Herr Doktor Fishmahn, Ja!?"

He has one bad eye, which stared sullenly at the ceiling. The other one didn't look to promising either, but was partially hidden behind an over-sized monocle. The effect was somewhat like being on the wrong side of a fishbowl. A bad attempt at a comb-over made it look like his body was trying to maintain custody of the scalp and was losing. His ensemble was homespun rough weave in olive green. Red suspenderes in place of a belt made me want to belt him. Him rust-colored jacket covered the most egregious upper errors in his personal style, while a kilt took it's place instead of lederhosen. This above Haynes tube socks. His boots were a dark dingy grey, with mud covered in what I was hoping was dirt clods, but this was cow country... His hat was a smart topper, an alpine hat in a light green, carried in his left hard, where it would do the most good, no doubt.

"No..." I considered, "Nope, I don't think... I'm waiting for someone named Sully."

"Ja! Dots ME! I'm Sully. Herr Doktor Sully Fishmahn. How are you?" He burst into a smile, displaying over-sized and slightly yellow teeth. I was almost hoping that maybe he would follow suite, but when no pyrotechnics followed, I nodded dumbly in his direction and glanced at Pshrynk. "Call me to the phone in 10 minutes..." I muttered to him. Against my better judgement, I motioned Herr Doktor to a table near the shadows, so we could discuss our business, privately.

The Doktor was not one for subtleties. "You vant to buy zhe laser, yes?"

I glared at him with the universal symbol for "shut up, damn it, no one is supposed to know this!"

"You know, zhe big laser. Zhe atmospheric amplivication deffice, capable of incinerating large buildings und vhales und vhatnot, rrright?"

I covered my face in my hands and shook my head, muttering against stupid evil scientists.

"Aren't you zhe man vot vants zhe laser, zhe big laser zat burns efferything zhat it turns it's baleful eyes upon? Zhe von zhat iss hotter zhan zhe SUN!? Ja? You're the guy? I've got it outshide in mine truk."

He was getting louder and more animated, grinning excitedly and nodding quickly. Every sylable seemed to be accompanied with flecks of saliva. The people sitting nearest him edged away. One exotically beautful woman gamely tried to shield herself with the tiny paper umbrella from her exotically female drink.

"Sorry folks, he's, ah, from out of town. He doesn't get out much. I'll ah, I'll get you new drinks." I nodded to Pshryk to send a round out to the folks in his spray zone. Psrynk nodded back that I should pay for my own bill, first.

"Doc, listen, can we discuss this... privately?"

The doctor jerked to his full height, all 5 foot 3 inches, with a horrified look on his face. His head spun from side to side as he surveyed his unintended targets. "Oh! I am Ssso SSSORRY!" With the last siblants, he teeth launched explosively from his lips, arching over the several feet between us, narrowly missing me, and ricocheting off of the edge of the bar. Pshrynk eyes us both, warily. The doc looked stricken, horrified. He promptly collapsed into his seat, sobbing behind his grubby little hands.

After a while, he looked up embarrassed, his reddish eyes glistening with tears. "Ahm sfo sovvy!" he sobbed. "Ah chust god egzited! Doze ver new ahnd dey don fit vreal vel. Ah cand do fiss, ah cand tog viffou my teef."

"Hey, don't worry about it... it happens to me all the time, " the man beside him was a drunk from an earlier story. "Here, try mine!" He fished a pair of dentures out of his unshaven face and offered them to the doctor.

The doc snivled a little, and looked shyly around at the other patrons. He took the proffered choppers and wiped them with a little grimy handkerchief he had had secreted up him sleeve. I'll remember never to play cards with him. He eyed the grinders and then sighed a resigned sigh and pushed them into his face. He pushed and fitted them for a few seconds and clacked them twice, then a look of relief dawned upon his face like the sky after a particularly stormy night. He reached out with his still-wet fingers and grabbed the drunk's hand and began pumping them up and down in a vigorous handshake. "No pwobwem" said the drunk, his mind already wandering to a face-down nap in the drink in front of him...

"THANK YOU!" He looked positively overjoyed. He turned and offered me his wet hand with a shy, expectant smile.

"I'll, uh, pass." I waved him toward a seat so we could discuss things.

"I would like to apologize, " he said. I never should have taken the loaners. Mine won't be ready for another week, but I just had to meet you. I've heard so much about you -- about your work!, about your mission."

I know I looked puzzled. Pshrynk looked puzzled. The exotic looking young lady looked puzzled. "I thought you were German... ?" I managed weakly.

"What? Why? I'm from Long Island -- that's in the States. Oh! The whole doctor thing, right? Please, let me introduce myself... Dr. Sully Fissman. I specialize in alopecia."

My face must have betrayed my confusion. "Is that a type fish?"

"Oh! Ha! No. It pertains to conditions of the scalp resulting in the loss of hair."

"AH!" Pshrynk, from behind the bar. "HAIR DOCTOR! I Get it! Ha! Doc, have a drink!"

"Oh, no," he started modestly, "you don't have to --"

"Don't worry about it. It's on him," Pshrynk nodded in my direction. I couldn't do much but nod at that point.

Sully turned towards me. "We're not going to have time to finish this episode, are we?"

"Well, " I admitted, "there IS so much to cover... the derigible, the laser, Antartica, polar bears, the Baroness..."

Just then, my manservant, Reynard, approached. "Sir, The Evil One is on the line. He wanted me to inform you: We're behind schedule and you still have a lot of plot holes to dig..."

I sighed. My head ached. I had so much to do and so little time.

"Reynard, would you be so kind as to get the doctor's things? Speak to the kitchen and see if they have some supplies for us? I think we'll need several weeks worth."

"Just as you say, sir!" Reynard bowed smartly and sped quickly toward the kitchen doors.

"OK, I've wasted so much time, let me see if I can quickly fill in. I've been hired by Ah... 'The Evil One'... to -- how can I say it. Um, well. Get a giant laser, fly my dirigible to Antartica, melt some ice, flood some penguins, and blame it on global warming."

My audiance looked -- well, they looked incredulous.

"No, really. That's what with the goggles, the dark brown duster, the rest of the funny clothes, the whole thing. Didn't anyone look out the window? Nobody noticed a dirigible tied up outside? Nobody saw it -- ?HEY! I GOT A TICKET! Well, I'm NOT going to pay that!" I ran to the door and look out at an over-acheiver parking enforcement matron was filling out her ticket book. "I'm not parked in a handicapped space, I'm ABOVE it! I'm--"

"You've been hired by - THE DEVIL?" asked one of the patrons.

"What? Ha ha ha... NO! No. Not at all! Ha! SERIOUSLY? Is THAT what you thought? HAAAAAAA HA HA HA!" I was almost enjoying myself at that point.

"But you said 'The Evil One!'" said a deep, raspy voice from the edge of shadows.

"NO! Not The Devil! Nobody you would know. The DNC!"

"..." "We are most familiar with the DNC" the raspy voice continued. The smell of burned matches permeated the air.

"HELLO!!! Al Gore!? Anybody? Anybody? Beuhler?" They still looked lost. "OK. I was hired by Al Gore to ... make water." (An adolescent voice exploded into giggles) I started over. "I was contacted by... someone... who agreed to pay me an exhorbitant sum to... do some atmospheric studies. Yes. Atmostpheric studies involving a dirigible, a largish laser, and a mass of ice. Really very innocent. I'm just to hmm bounce some light off of reflective land masses and study the effects. I get 10 large ones for a few weeks worth of cruising."

"Ten large what? Landmasses?"

"No, I actually get paid in money this time."

"You get 10 grand for playing with a freakin' big flashlight?"

"No. 10 big ones. 10 BIG ones. Think bigger. And it's a laser."

"10 millions of dollars!"

"Sheesh. Didn't ANYBODY watch 'Austin Powers'? BIG ones. BIG. With-a-'B'-big." I rested my face in my hands. This wasn't going the way I thought. I'd left out almost the whole plot, and I hadn't even asked Zelda if she wanted to go for coffee. This could take weeks to get sorted out. Luckily, with the current US Congress, I would have plenty of time before I actually had to take any of their money.

"Wait. You're going to laser Penguins?"

I was so looking forward to spending 3 weeks away from people...

OK, I had to talk Zelda into taking the Baroness' place, get provisions for some weeks ahead. Find a large flock of Branta canadensis. Locate several large bromine batteries for the power supply. Lay in many crates of whiskey, scotch, bourbon, and mixers. Build the automated gimballed mount for the Dish Network ...

Much to do in the coming days.
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Old 02-22-2010, 03:16 AM   #2
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Bravo! Is this part of this one?

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Pshrync raised his eyebrows at me and looked at me silently for a moment. I caught up with his train of thought just before it ran over me.


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The place was smokey -- which was strange, because it was "you better not be smoking unless you're on fire" night. I quickly checked my clothes and relaxed as a man with flaming red hair ran past me screaming. Well, he was headed towards the river anyway.


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"I thought you were German... ?" I managed weakly.

"What? Why? I'm from Long Island -- that's in the States.


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"Sheesh. Didn't ANYBODY watch 'Austin Powers'? BIG ones. BIG. With-a-'B'-big." I rested my face in my hands. This wasn't going the way I thought.

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Much to do in the coming days.
....
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Old 02-22-2010, 09:58 PM   #3
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Rick's Cafe Americain

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Bravo! Is this part of this one?
Um, kinda-sorta. That's where I got my initiation, round-about here and it goes on... and on... Oh, I do go on. (OK, I cheated. The last one was pre-AB).

I chose Adrian's Bar as the center of my ... operations because, well, everyone goes to Rick's, er, Adrian's.

I figured I'd find fodder, er, dupes, erm, stooges? Marks? No, that's not right... witnesses! Yes, that's it. Witnesses, who could definately place me at the scene of, ah, the... alibi, during the times in question.

The sad part is, Adrian's seems to exist outside of normal time/space... or so Rod Serling would have us think. I personally don't think Adrian's exists at all, which is strange, because that's where we met this time. I gotta quit hanging out in places that don't exist... it's bad on my tax returns.


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Old 02-22-2010, 10:16 PM   #4
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I'd left out almost the whole plot, and I hadn't even asked Zelda if she wanted to go for coffee.
you know i'm always available to have coffee with you at adrian's bar. in fact i was wondering where you were, it's been quite a while. and i could use a coffee right about now. well, or maybe sometime later this morning / early afternoon, after i've gone to sleep for a while and woken up again. don't worry, with the time difference you won't even notice i'm gone. go ahead and order for me, i'll be back by the time it's ready.
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Old 02-22-2010, 10:27 PM   #5
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I think I just found myself a new hero! That was AWESOME!

Thank you for sharing it, and please keep up with the story, it's pure genious!
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Old 02-22-2010, 11:25 PM   #6
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Really really good!!

(except I will add that I was confused and thought you were telling us about something that happened IRL .. seriously took me until I reached this:

"I walked out and checked the mooring lines on my dig, counted to ten. I hoped that would be enough. I walked back through the door and it was night. The place was smokey -- which was strange, because it was "you better not be smoking unless you're on fire" night. I quickly checked my clothes and relaxed as a man with flaming red hair ran past me screaming. Well, he was headed towards the river anyway.")

You definitely have a great writing style.
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Old 02-23-2010, 07:56 AM   #7
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Coffee on the roof...

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you know i'm always available to have coffee with you at adrian's bar. ... go ahead and order for me, i'll be back by the time it's ready.
But my dear woman, we shant be drinking coffee at Adrian's. I had a somewhat different venue in mind. How do you feel about Argentina? How is your weapons training (projectile or particle energy)? How is your piercing stare?

I have found that a good woman with a good piercing stare can stand down a regiment of natives w/out the need for even one disintegration.

Normally, I would take the Baroness, but she's currently unavailable due to some scheduling conflicts involving a seamstress, 134# of gold, someone else's husband, and some unpleasantness with the magestrate. There's always some unpleasantness involving some magistrate or other.

I need someone who can wear casual clothes of the kind not normally found at WalMart (see illustration 15b)
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Old 02-23-2010, 08:03 AM   #8
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But my dear woman, we shant be drinking coffee at Adrian's. I had a somewhat different venue in mind. How do you feel about Argentina? How is your weapons training (projectile or particle energy)? How is your piercing stare?

I have found that a good woman with a good piercing stare can stand down a regiment of natives w/out the need for even one disintegration.

Normally, I would take the Baroness, but she's currently unavailable due to some scheduling conflicts involving a seamstress, 134# of gold, someone else's husband, and some unpleasantness with the magestrate. There's always some unpleasantness involving some magistrate or other.

I need someone who can wear casual clothes of the kind not normally found at WalMart (see illustration 15b)
oh, i see, i see, i get it, this "coffee" is really a bribe meant to placate me so i'll give you a hand with whatever dastardly deed you've got planned this week, for free. do have any idea how much those skills are worth, on the open market ?? a girl's got to eat, you know, and buy herself new frocks from time to time (especially since i find that anything i wear around a laser tends to end up with so many holes it looks like some kind of horribly disfigured lace doilie).

plus i'm playing second fiddle to that baroness, AGAIN !!! *sheesh* you're just lucky i'm not the jealous type. much.

we may have to talk about this coffee. i think a scone or two in addition is the MINIMUM i can expect.
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Old 02-23-2010, 08:20 AM   #9
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... except I will add that I was confused and thought you were telling us about something that happened IRL ..
Yes. Exactly. Only I have changed some small facts in case I need to misremember in court. I am allowed some small sway with literary license. In the real world, I was promised "10 cold ones". Granted, they were HUGE cold ones.

(note to self: check the thermostat in storage room. Don't want ten mamothcicles suddenly stretching and going for a walk...)
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Old 02-23-2010, 08:26 AM   #10
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I think I just found myself a new hero!
I thank you, but this statement causes me some concern... what happened to the old hero? Has s/he been . . . discorporialized?

(My personal preference leaning toward keeping all internal organs both internal and in place, and all of that messy red stuff safely within the confines of my flesh. I don't mind liberating other person's organs and red stuff, if you have a paying proposition.)
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Old 02-23-2010, 09:51 AM   #11
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Well done - bravo, bravo!!

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Old 02-23-2010, 12:51 PM   #12
GeoffC
Chocolate Grasshopper ...
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I thank you, but this statement causes me some concern... what happened to the old hero? Has s/he been . . . discorporialized?

(My personal preference leaning toward keeping all internal organs both internal and in place, and all of that messy red stuff safely within the confines of my flesh. I don't mind liberating other person's organs and red stuff, if you have a paying proposition.)

he's around, somewhere .... close by .... watching .... waiting .... some dark night ... down some dark alleyway ... on some remote island ... somewhere in the Universe - keep looking over your shoulder ....
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Old 02-23-2010, 01:50 PM   #13
pshrynk
Beepbeep n beebeep, yeah!
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Yes. Exactly. Only I have changed some small facts in case I need to misremember in court. I am allowed some small sway with literary license. In the real world, I was promised "10 cold ones". Granted, they were HUGE cold ones.

(note to self: check the thermostat in storage room. Don't want ten mamothcicles suddenly stretching and going for a walk...)
Didn't that get revoked due to abject punning?
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Old 02-23-2010, 01:53 PM   #14
zelda_pinwheel
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Didn't that get revoked due to abject punning?
i thought he just got a stiff fine ? how many points do you have to lose, anyway, before they take away your licence ? i'm pretty sure half the population of the llounge is on probation. sparrow must be buying extra points on the black market, there's no other possible explanation.
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Old 02-23-2010, 01:54 PM   #15
pshrynk
Beepbeep n beebeep, yeah!
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Well, when compared to Slite, everything else fades to a misdemeanor.
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