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Old 07-03-2006, 01:15 PM   #1
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Futureblog: How my husband discovered my affair

Hi Mobile Readers

I have published a short story if anyone is interesting in reading, Its a 5 min read:

http://www.salted.net/2006/06/future...iscovered.html

Id appreciate any feedback

Mat
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Old 07-03-2006, 04:42 PM   #2
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nice story...but it felt "unreal" all the time.
but it was very emotionally touching...and i'm not easy to touch that way...^^
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Old 07-04-2006, 03:54 AM   #3
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Thanks

Its set in the near future so I guess it is "unreal" If thats what you meant?

Mat
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Old 07-04-2006, 04:35 AM   #4
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In a way that is what I meant, but not quite.
When you read below, please keep in mind, that I'm just trying to describe what to me felt slightly "wrong" about the story. It's a really good story and well written and I'm very sure I couldn't do it any better.

The story is very well written, but it is a bit...I don't know how to describe this..."too much". It stresses certain points a bit too much and also describes the technology in a slightly "unconvincing way". For example...a woman who had an affair for two years isn't likely to react in quite the fashion you described in the story (at least I think not...). The emotional "drama" is a bit thickly applied which is good for the atmosphere, but not so good for the "believablilty" factor. (I actually went to that site thinking the story was real (a blog entry...^^) and then got the feeling that somehow the woman didn't sound real at all because of the way she described her plight and kept on inserting lines like "...I'm so sorry").
The technology aspect is actually not too far-fetched, but again I'd criticise the fact that it was a bit "thickly applied" but not as badly as the emotional elements.
Her contempt for the detectives is also something that is a bit "overkill" in the presentation...I didn't like the constant useage of "bastards".


On the up:
I really enjoyed the way the case was presented. Using the "Cancer case" as a "frame ", showing the reluctance of insurances to actually pay up...and then the way the detectives worked was very...different. Instead of using simple camera monitoring, taking photos or something you let them track the timings of IM and email, credit card payments...REALLY cool idea and original too. I read a lot, SF and Fantasy being a major part of what I read, but I haven't found that concept anywhere so far.

So, actually the story is really great, apart from some minor "flaws" (at least I see them as flaws) in the emotional and verbal handling of the main charakter.
Thanks for providing this for us to devour while waiting for our ebook readers to arrive...^^
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Old 07-04-2006, 05:50 AM   #5
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I liked the story. I think even the strongly emphazised emotions fit in very well. Since it represents a blog entry, the language quite fits. Although, i guess it would be alot mor interesting if the whole story would be split into severall blog entries. Would give it more room to develop and also you could let the emotion build up to the climax.
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Old 07-04-2006, 09:43 PM   #6
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Guess I have to say I like the story ... pretty real, in the sense that stuffs like this, affairs, do happen. And strange enough, many are discovered despite the many smart attempts to hide.

But I should have read it before reading the comments. I got a bit influenced, and so went in trying to see if there was really too much stress on technology. In the end, I think its still pretty alright, though I did feel that the references to google and yahoo was feelt pretty much like "product placement" ads.

The line "They got subpoenas from wimax providers, google, yahoo, ISPs. " was to me abit awkward. "Wimax providers" and "ISPs" are generic terms for any service providers while google ad yahoo are specific service providers, and even "Wimax providers" itself is a specific type of "ISP". The 'sudden' mix of these two groups made it feel awkward and unnatural.

Perhaps if it read "They got subpoenas from ISPs, search corporations, credit registrars" would still highlight the implications of today's information connectedness without feeling contrived.

But after that line, the story pretty much spoke for itself and felt like a good read.

oh, and I also agree with tribble on making it a multiple post. Would make it more realistic.
Say, start off with a post on her being worried about her husband. Followed by a post on the results. Then some uneventful posts. Followed by one of her fear that her hubby getting the email. And perhaps couple more ramblings about her fears. A last post could sum it up after a certain unannounced absence, apologizing for it and sharing her thoughts and her hubby's final email to her.
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Old 07-05-2006, 04:23 AM   #7
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Oh thanks Folks!


I really wasn’t expecting such thoughtful criticism, that’s’ excellent.

I take on board the criticisms of it being “too much” amd probably not very realistic when considered as a woman adulteress etc ect. I think that all needs to be polished.

I guess the one criticism I do have issue with is Snappy’s :

“The line "They got subpoenas from wimax providers, google, yahoo, ISPs. " was to me abit awkward. "Wimax providers" and "ISPs" are generic terms for any service providers while google ad yahoo are specific service providers, and even "Wimax providers" itself is a specific type of "ISP". The 'sudden' mix of these two groups made it feel awkward and unnatural.”

The idea is that in the very near future in which the story is set these terms are in a much more natural and common use. The way I tried to extress this I agree doesn’t quite get it but that was the intention rather than a “technical oversight”

Thank you again for your really helpful response, I think Ill defo have a go at improving it

Mat
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Old 07-05-2006, 04:33 AM   #8
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Mat, ah I see. ... hey, a thought just came to me ... maybe a series of "related" blogs about different people's encounter with this future connected world could be interesting too.
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Old 07-05-2006, 12:12 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snappy!
Mat, ah I see. ... hey, a thought just came to me ... maybe a series of "related" blogs about different people's encounter with this future connected world could be interesting too.
Hey Snappy. I am working on some other Futureblogs actually, and I posted another one before this last month:

http://www.salted.net/2006/06/future...e-my-life.html

I dont think its as interesting as a read but it might be interesting from a tech point of view

Mat
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Old 07-05-2006, 08:59 PM   #10
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Just skimmed through it ... nice, though not as riveting as the first, but it had a slightly more blog feel to it ... ... which is a good thing. Maybe this main character (let's call him Roy) ... Roy, somehow work in the insurance company ... ... and so he writes about his investigation ... ... and inevitably intertwines with the lady in the first blog ... ?
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Old 07-06-2006, 03:53 AM   #11
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Ohhh I like that idea! Two seperate Blogs (or more) crossing over the same story

Snappy I have the first two chapters of a book im working on if your interested mat [a] yadabyte.com

Mat
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Old 07-06-2006, 09:59 PM   #12
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Sure thing Mat, you got PM ... ... scratch that ... sent you an email.

Last edited by Snappy!; 07-06-2006 at 10:03 PM.
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