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Old 09-01-2009, 09:30 PM   #1
danwdoo
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Short Story Feedback Requested

Hello,
I'm posting a short SF story I wrote sometime back and would like to get some honest feedback on it. I've recently updated it, but I would like to get a reality check on it and the writing. It's nothing heavy, so please don't expect anything "hard". It's approximately 10k words in length.

I've posted it in several formats that I converted using Calibre to hopefully make things convenient.

Thanks in advance!

Last edited by danwdoo; 10-15-2009 at 09:58 PM.
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Old 09-01-2009, 10:22 PM   #2
Patricia
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I rather like the pace; the dialogue is ok too. But the story needs more proofreading. There are some small errors from the early pages below.

Quote:
"You know I've told you know to do that," Ben complained.
"not"?

Quote:
The captain was wearing a dark gray jumpsuit that complimented her neat, trim figure
.
"complemented"

Quote:
Slink was worse than most harbin's at being a harbin.
Plurals don't need an apostrophe.

Quote:
"I hate to install it on the fly, but the current builds are so outdated that were as likely to shoot ourselves as anyone else."
they?

Quote:
Someday, someone was going to have to set the woman strait.
straight.
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Old 09-01-2009, 10:42 PM   #3
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*sigh* It's amazing how blind one can become to ones own errors. Thanks for the eye opener!
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