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Old 09-17-2010, 09:49 AM   #736
Rock Lobster
PI for hire.
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There was a quiet knock at my door. I knew it wasn't Turcic come around to make unreasonable demands about back rent, because that usually involved hammering and screaming in some foreign lingo. I usually ignored that. If he was going to rent to Americans in LA, he should at least have the courtesy to scream at his tenants in English. I picked up the piece that Red had loaned me the day before and slid up to my office door. It had been getting rough in the neighborhood lately and I was also trying out the "tough guy" look for my next caper.

"Yeah? Who is it?" I yelled in my best deep and rough tone.

"It is me!" said a dame in an outrageous French accent.

"How do I know it's you?" I asked.

"Who else do you know that talks like this?"

"Good point, sister. Come on in." I opened the door to let Zippy saunter in with her black clothing and jaunty black beret. I watched appreciatively at she sauntered to the desk.

"Thinking of going pro with that?" I asked.

"Non! I have a shot at the French National Sauntering Team 400 metre event at the next Olympics."

"Good luck with that. What can I do for you, Doll? Did pshrynk get himself whacked again?"

"We're not sure. He has written so very little on the Harv and Vera saga lately that we are afraid he may have come to some nefarious end."

"His end is somewhat nefarious. Sorry, Doll. I don't take on lost causes. Why don't you go down the hall and ask Red?"

"Wrong era. We need someone from the thirties for this job."

"Well sit down and tell me the particulars. I'm not promising anything mind you."

Zippy slithered into the chair and crossed her legs with a silken whisper. My heart began to beat faster.
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Old 09-17-2010, 01:22 PM   #737
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Hey Rock, how ye doin'? You met Pshrynk, haven't you ?
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Old 10-26-2010, 04:35 PM   #738
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zeldinha zippy zeldissima
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rock Lobster View Post
There was a quiet knock at my door. I knew it wasn't Turcic come around to make unreasonable demands about back rent, because that usually involved hammering and screaming in some foreign lingo. I usually ignored that. If he was going to rent to Americans in LA, he should at least have the courtesy to scream at his tenants in English. I picked up the piece that Red had loaned me the day before and slid up to my office door. It had been getting rough in the neighborhood lately and I was also trying out the "tough guy" look for my next caper.

"Yeah? Who is it?" I yelled in my best deep and rough tone.

"It is me!" said a dame in an outrageous French accent.

"How do I know it's you?" I asked.

"Who else do you know that talks like this?"

"Good point, sister. Come on in." I opened the door to let Zippy saunter in with her black clothing and jaunty black beret. I watched appreciatively at she sauntered to the desk.

"Thinking of going pro with that?" I asked.

"Non! I have a shot at the French National Sauntering Team 400 metre event at the next Olympics."

"Good luck with that. What can I do for you, Doll? Did pshrynk get himself whacked again?"

"We're not sure. He has written so very little on the Harv and Vera saga lately that we are afraid he may have come to some nefarious end."

"His end is somewhat nefarious. Sorry, Doll. I don't take on lost causes. Why don't you go down the hall and ask Red?"

"Wrong era. We need someone from the thirties for this job."

"Well sit down and tell me the particulars. I'm not promising anything mind you."

Zippy slithered into the chair and crossed her legs with a silken whisper. My heart began to beat faster.
well ?? will you take the case ? we are REALLY getting worried now !






(and also : oh my god this is my favourite episode so far, and not just because i'm in it. nefarious end ! 400 metre Saunter in the Olympics ! meta-dialogue ! brilliant !)
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Old 10-26-2010, 05:17 PM   #739
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Vivaldi was starting to get worried. Well, more worried. He had to pee badly and no one was thinking about the dog in the heat of all the gambling going on. And that stuff packed under all the chairs that smelled to high heaven was sort of worrying, too.

Over on the next table, two socks were diligently wielding a pair of bolt cutters and clipping several wires. After they got done with that table, they rolled over to Harv's seat and started clipping.

"I hope you know what you're doing," said Vivaldi.

The socks pantomimed that they were basically just cutting wires at random, but not to worry, because they had tied the pyro tech up behind the set. They then rolled up to Vera's seat and started clipping there. Suddenly, they dropped the bolt cutters and wrapped themselves around her feet, exuding a certain level of naughtiness that could only be seen in a specific type of French magazine.

"Umm... Excuse me? But don't you have about forty more seats to dewire? Hmph! I've never been told to bugger off by a pair of socks before."

Vivaldi turned his back on the socks and sulked.
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Old 10-26-2010, 05:21 PM   #740
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Hmmm. If this stuff is dynamite, maybe peeing on it would trash it? But I guess cutting the wires sounds even better.....

Yay!
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Old 10-26-2010, 05:37 PM   #741
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Hilda lifted the "beer" in her glass and started singing a German drinking song. The stuff they tried to pass of as beer in this country was just disgusting. Watery, fizzy, no taste. But alcohol was alcohol and it served tonight's purpose well. The little Japanese fellow did not seem to have the long history of holding drink that she did, and she was pretty certain that this would end up to her advantage.

"My dear Hilda," he slurred, "Why is it that we are here, again?"

"I tink dat ve are... Oh bugger it! If you want a thick German accent, you're just going to have to imagine it! I think that we are trying to kill time before we kill the ambassadors across the street who are participating in the tournament."

Miyatake swayed lightly back and forth. "Have I told you that you have beautiful eyes? Well, you do! I'm not one much up on the intricate workings of the Teutonic mind. What happens after we blow them up?"

"Obviously, the US withdraws diplomatic contact with Cuba over the outrage and we then slip in to establish our own government, based on the glorious principles of National Socialism."

"That's a good thing? I wonder where the bathrooms are..."

"Of course it is! That way, when we start World War Two, we will have a base here just ninety miles away from the coast of Florida. Our submarines will rule the ocean!"

"I thought the Poles were supposed to start World War Two by making the huge diplomatic mistake of existing between the USSR and Germany?"

"That's just for the propaganda."

"Well, then what do we do about a government here?" Miyatake's weaving was becoming more pronounced.

"We put that baseball player we recruited in charge of things while we run it all from the background. As advisors."

Miyatake grinned widely and passed out on the table with a thud.

"Bugger!"
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Old 10-27-2010, 02:28 AM   #742
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Oh sweetness ..... we have a gem of a story building here .... !
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:54 AM   #743
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Will we repeat history or change it?


(someone's been brushing up on it)
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:19 AM   #744
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When books can fly!
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Welcome back, Brian...
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:58 PM   #745
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leTerrible lurched to his feet and staggered in the general direction of the street. He wasn't sure what is goal was, but he knew that he had to find someone. "Being dead is not so good for your thought patterns," he mumbled. He could tell that his functions were coming back, since he was able to find the street without using his face, now.

Emerging from the alleyway behind the Casino, he heard the sound of a mezzosoprano singing some that sounded bawdy. In German. A few brain cells snapped to attention and he pointed his feet in that direction, hoping that they would get the hint. Several passersby in the street crossed themselves and quickly left the area rapidly.

"I'm not a zombie, you pastiches!" he swore in French. He thought about pastiches and decided he would have to submit that to the Bureau of Incomprehendable Swear Words when he got back home to Montreal.

He was about half way across the street when he found himself surrounded by four young Cubans, wielding knives.

"Good evening, senor!" the obvious leader said, "Do you happen to have on your person a gun?"

leTerrible could only stare in confusion and shake his head no.

"Good! Then consider this a robbery! If you would not mind, please give us your valuable possessions or we shall have to resort to violence of a most undesirable nature!"

leTerrible scratched his head and wondered who had given this street gan a lesson in manners. Suddenly, the weight of the day's events came crashing down on his mind, crushing the last of his patience with it.

"You want my valuable? THIS is my valuable right hand! It can make wood sing! And THIS is my valuable left hand! It can only make wood give a poetic recitation, since I cut part of the finger off!" leTerrible swung wildly at the street punks, landing squarely with the first. He looked down at his fists in curiosity after the punk sailed thirty feet through the air and crashed through the brick wall of the cantina.

"Strange. They never did that before."

The other three punks quickly grabbed their unconscious leader and sauntered off in a synchronized fashion, deciding once and for all that going for Olympic Glory was much preferable to trying to make a hard scrabble living in the streets of Havana.
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Old 10-27-2010, 06:08 PM   #746
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Old 10-27-2010, 07:11 PM   #747
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I wanna hear that wooden poetic recitation.
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Old 10-28-2010, 07:35 AM   #748
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Old 10-28-2010, 04:53 PM   #749
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Biggles was doing quite well, if you asked him. And since he was Biggles, that was the only person he asked. He had entered the tournament with the required $5000 and was now down to $7.53. Just as he had planned it. Five minutes ago when the $10.67 plan had failed to materialize. He had decided that his best stratagem to win the tournament and therefore find out what the organizers were up to was to act the part of a buffoon with no knowledge of poker whatsoever, and just as he was about to be eliminated, pounce with his sharply honed skills that he had read about in his book.

He looked at his hand. He figured that if the Queen of Spades came down, he would have, yes, a pair of twos. He pushed his remaining chips into the pot, confident that he was about to make a turnaround. He felt eyes on him. Everyone was looking at him expectantly.

"What?"

The squid rolled its eyes and seemed to be saying, "If you wouldn't mind, the raise is now $3000. Either ante up something of worth, or go hang out in the bar, getting drunk and end up waking up in a strange bed wearing a Hawaiian shirt for pants and body paint for a shirt."*

"Oh! Jolly good! Well, I do have that little property on Long Island that our family no longer uses. I don't suppose that South Hampton can hold on to its property values for any appreciable time, anyway..."

Across the table, Howard Hughes began to cough. Next to him, the really attractive woman sighed and said, "Fine! Can we get on with it?"

The squid suckered up a card from the top of the deck and started to turn it over. All eyes were on the small cardboard rectangle. Oddly enough, the backs of the cards were all stamped, "Provided by Montsnmags International (Holding)."
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Old 10-28-2010, 06:00 PM   #750
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Hilda looped the unconscious form of Miyatake over her broad teutonic shoulder and staggered out of the cantina. Bad enough that her plans for the night had been stymied by the unlikely occurrence of a spy who couldn't hold his liquor, then some local had to come crashing through the wall and land on her table just as she was getting to the soprano aria in Tristan und Isolde. This flea bitten island would not be too soon behind her.

Later, after the doctor's bills had all been paid and everything had healed, she would reflect that her next few minutes would have been much more productive and certainly more comfortable, had her alcohol and lust soaked brain paused to ask the pertinent question, "How did a seventy kilo man happen to crash through a solid brick wall?" Unfortunately for her and fortunately for a certain writer of comedies, it did not.

A man was standing in the street. Her eyes eventually coordinated their signals enough to bring him into focus. It was that pinko Frenchman! She was sure she had a question to ask him. Now what was it? Oh yeah.

"Whatnahell butt... thingy do I push to make the whole building go kblooie?"

"Erm, what?" The man seemed distracted and kept looking at his hands as if they could go off any second.

"You know, on the conTRAPshun! Push a bu... thingy and get a sploshun. Whish one is it?"

"Madame, I am so far beyond concerning myself with that sort of thing that I am afraid I cannot help you."

"Listen, you furry little Frenchman! I paid good money for that thingy and I expect my money's worth! I want a great. Big. Kaboom!" She shifted Miyatake on her shoulder to get ready to use him as a blunt object. If he couldn't provide what she needed, then he could damn sure provide a handy weapon.

The man standing in front of her started turning red. "Why don't any of you cretins ever get it right? It... is... QUEBECOIS! (Add yer own damn accents.)"

leTerrible reached over and flicked the German spy lightly. She said "OUF!" as she flew through the air and smashed the wall on the otherside of the doorway. "Gevalt!" she moaned as she lost consciousness.

"I need to go find that diamond," leTerrible said as he lurched down the street.
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