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Old 12-02-2008, 09:20 PM   #1
Ralph Sir Edward
Gentleman & Cynic
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The Case of The Golden Coprolite

Intro - I'm doing this as I get to it. Expect additions every 2-3 day (maybe more, maybe less) depending on how busy I am. The next post is the first batch.

Sorry about that, forgot to put Silliness on the thread, This is the proper thread...
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Old 12-02-2008, 09:21 PM   #2
Ralph Sir Edward
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It was Tuesday, and business was slow. The rustlers I had picked up the last week were waiting trial. Most of 'em, anyway. One of them had complained about Habeus Corpus, so I made him one. The Judge said I was setting a bad example. I responded with that I was only givin' the customer what he asked for. Teach me to be courteous.

Anyways, I was killing time, shootin' at the picture of FDR with my silencered .22, using BB Caps so's not to bother anybody, when Mrs Slocum let out a terrible squall in the receptionist's room. Mrs. Slocum is our office cat. We keep her around so's the more nervous customers could stroke her and calm down.

The intercom said, "Red, we've got a funny sort of customer in here, wanting some detective assistance."
"Does he have money?"
"Yesss.."
About this time Mrs. Slocum lets out another squall. Great, I get to hear it in stereo. Good thing I don't have a hangover.
"Well, send him in before Mrs. Slocum shreds the chair!"
The door opens and a dog walks in. He's some kind of small breed, like a terrier or a llasa apso. Me, I don't pay any attention to any breed smaller than a German Shephard. But I get up and slide out a chair, which he hops up into.
"Well, what can I do for you?"
The dog give me an eye, and says, "I need the services of a P.I. who has a hard head, a closed mouth, a quick gun, and no taste at all."
"Now I don't who's been talking, doggie, but just because I drink Pearl, doesn't mean I have no taste - just extremely bad taste. And d---ed proud of it."
The dog gives me a hard, nasty look. "The name's VivaldiRules, not doggie."
"Should've given me your handle up front, VR. What else was I suppose to call you, emperor?"
VR gives be a more calculated look this time. "You don't seem to have a problem with a talking dog."
"No problem at all, long as you're housebroken. I've worked a few cases with Ralph von Wau Wau, before he took up with The Bird."
"I ought to pee on your shoe for that one."
My silencered .22 magically appeared. "Out of which hole?" I said conversationally.
VR chewed on that for a moment. "I guess you pass item #3."
"OK, so far we've determined that I have a fast gun and bad taste. I don't let people test the hardness of my head without a week's retainer. And I haven't seen any money yet. Or any job..."
"What do you get for a retainer?"
"Depends on the case. Does it have anything to do with that little pinwheel attached to you collar?"
VR ducked down. "Possibly." He said softly.
I looked over him at the wall. "I guess some cases never die." I looked down at him. "Mrs. Slocum was given to me by the same source. Capesh?"
"Capesh."
"So what's the case?"
"Could we go outside to talk."
"OK, but if you're worried about bugs, a Big Ear'll catch our conversation outside just as easily as a bug inside. But suit yourself."
"Outside."
"Gimme a minute." I popped out the BB caps and empties, and speed-loaded a brace of wadcutters.
I flipped the intercom. "Mindy, put a blanket over Mrs. Slocum. We're coming out."
Great, I was walking a dog. And I wasn't even getting paid for it.
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Old 12-02-2008, 09:27 PM   #3
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...Mrs. Slocum is our office cat.
...
Oh....gods...my cardboard spleen...don't...stop...don't stop...

Cheers,
Marc
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Old 12-02-2008, 09:43 PM   #4
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zeldinha zippy zeldissima
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Oh....gods...my cardboard spleen...don't...stop...don't stop...

Cheers,
Marc
i would second that if i could stop laughing enough to type !!!

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Old 12-03-2008, 03:12 AM   #5
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i would second that if i could stop laughing enough to type !!!

I would third it, if not for the same reason
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Old 12-03-2008, 08:59 AM   #6
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Some things I should not read at work...
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Old 12-03-2008, 09:34 AM   #7
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I am so delighted to be reading all of these recent stories. OHBOY, that VR really gets around!
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Old 12-03-2008, 09:36 AM   #8
Ralph Sir Edward
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So I'm wandering 'round the neighborhood, with VR responding to doggie e-mails at every post.
I look down at him, between posts, and ask, "So, what cooks?"
"Did you really work with Ralph von Wau Wau?"
"Yep, on The Royal Bastich case. 'Course, he had the ghost writer and the book contract, so he got the star billing. OK by me, I don't like the limelight. I got a knighthood and a Hero of the Kingdom medal out of the deal, and all he got was a French Poodle. Simple tastes."
"I'm here because there's something missing."
"Hey, I can take 'em off, but I can't put them back on. Nobody can."
"Not me, you moron, something of the Kindoms." He left another e-mail.
"Why see me? The Kingdom can afford the best, MI-6, CIA, shucks, every certain members of the FBI have worked with royalty. Not to mention the biggest eyes in the game."
"And they all have book contracts, movie contracts, and want star billing. You don't. And you've helped the Kingdom before. That's why I'm here."
"Maybe, but you've still haven't told me what's missing. All I see missing is my retainer."
He looks around and hikes another leg. "The most precious artifact of the Kingdom."
"The Metallic Dinosaur Dung?"
He looked up. "Yes," he said softly, "The Golden Coprolite."

* * * *
I guess I'd better clue you in on the importance of the Golden Coprolite.
Back in the Cretaceous period, a dinosaur found a whole bunch of native gold rocks. This dinosaur was dumb even by dinosaur standards, and decided to gulp 'em down for gizzard stones, like a chicken. 'Course, being soft, they didn't work out too well, and got broken up in the gizzard, and then passed along down the garden path, rather that being upchucked, like proper worn-out gizzard stones. Having reached the end of the dinosaur trail, they got left in big piles that got fossilized. Not just fossilized, but the fertilizer got replaced by precious opal, leaving this beautiful gold/opal mix, which looks like a golden matrix opal.

Now only 4 of these golden droppings have ever been found, all in the kingdom of Pinwheel. Three of 'em were little, and were cut up for the crown jewels. The fourth one was huge, weighing 31.49 kilos. It's kept in the Royal Treasury, and brought out as the symbol of state for official affairs, such as royal christenings, marriages, and funerals. To say they're valuable is an understatement. Not ever JP Morgan could ever get a whiff of one. So now the Big Pile has turned up missing. If the word ever got out, there's be an unbelievable stink. Well, I hope there was some money in the deal for me...
* * * *

"Gimme some facts. When did it turn up missing? How long was it between ganders? Mostly, it's kept in a timelock vault, or so I've heard. Finally, how much am I being paid?"
"Do you think of anything else but money?"
"Yep, barbequeing smart-mouthed dogs. What's in it for me?"
VR started to aim for my leg. My .22 was out in a flash, which VR noticed and lowered his leg.
I said "Either you start dealing, or go home. I'm tired of walking a dog for free."
VR shrugged. "5,000 ounces of gold for the return, intact, of the G.C. If it's less than intact, you get proportionally less. Catch the thief, 1,000 ounces live, 500 ounces dead. But to get the 500 ounces dead, you have to have ironclad proof the stiff did it. A liberal expense account, but I audit the books after for waste. Acceptable?"
"Sure. Anything for Queen Z. So, if you will be kind enough to start passing along the facts of the case to date..."
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Old 12-03-2008, 09:37 AM   #9
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And I'm gratified to know that I had a small part in bringing coprolite into the general MR lexicon. Definistratively satisfying!
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Old 12-03-2008, 09:43 AM   #10
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Old 12-03-2008, 09:45 AM   #11
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And we haven't ever gotten to the bad guys yet.....
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Old 12-03-2008, 09:55 AM   #12
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Hard boiled Vivaldi and... whatever your detective's name is! (edit: make that "Red.")
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Old 12-03-2008, 09:57 AM   #13
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And we haven't ever gotten to the bad guys yet.....
Yeah, I can't wait for the ass-biting to begin... VR is very good at that as we have seen earlier
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Old 12-03-2008, 09:57 AM   #14
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Yeah, I can't wait for the ass-biting to begin... VR is very good at that as we have seen earlier
I'm hoping they work in the Reverse Harvaldi, myself.
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Old 12-03-2008, 09:58 AM   #15
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I'm hoping they work in the Reverse Harvaldi, myself.
Oh that one goes without saying
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