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Old 02-16-2009, 07:25 PM   #106
lilac_jive
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Originally Posted by desertgrandma View Post
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
Her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
Nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .



(scroll down)


'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'


(with apologies to blondes.)
MWAHHAHAHAH!!!!

No offense taken
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Old 02-16-2009, 07:38 PM   #107
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- Mommy! The guys in school are calling me a faggot!
- Just beat them until they stop teasing you.
- I can't do that! They're so cute!
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Old 02-17-2009, 12:37 AM   #108
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Old 02-17-2009, 03:38 AM   #109
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- Father, forgive me because I have sinned.
- What did you do, son?
- Last night I had a few drinks. I was walking on the street and got hungry. I was drunk, I remember I've assaulted a chicken den to catch a chicken to eat. But now I don't remember who I assaulted, not even what I did to the chicken, I was really drunk! I can't say I'm sorry or repay the owner because I don't know who he was.
- Hummm... You will do the following. You'll give 50$ to the first person you see when you get out of the church. Then you will be forgiven.
- Thank you, father.

The man walks out of the church and the first person he sees is an attractive woman.
- Here's 50$, ma'am. Take it, please.
- Nope. I want 100$.
- But the priest said 50$!
- Oh, but he's an old client...

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Old 02-21-2009, 01:04 PM   #110
desertgrandma
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I don't care who you are, this is funny!

The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the
spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons
per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips
back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his
spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me,
but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the
restroom. By tying t! his string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can
pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
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Old 02-21-2009, 08:57 PM   #111
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It's about the umbrella
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Quote:
Originally Posted by desertgrandma View Post
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the
restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can
pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
OMG I just lost half my Starbucks Mocha all over myself!
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Old 02-21-2009, 08:59 PM   #112
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OMG I just lost half my Starbucks Mocha all over myself!

Then my good deed for the day is done......
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Old 02-21-2009, 09:12 PM   #113
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It's about the umbrella
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OK, couch cleaned now... sitting on a towel to continue checking the threads.. will stay away from THIS one for a while
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Old 02-22-2009, 01:38 AM   #114
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Pensively observing.
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The Humorous Tale Of A Rabbi Temp

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

A few minutes later a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest:"How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
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Old 02-22-2009, 05:14 PM   #115
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Quote:
Originally Posted by desertgrandma View Post
The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the
spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons
per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips
back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his
spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me,
but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the
restroom. By tying t! his string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can
pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Omigawd!!! I will never ever look at a waiter again holding a spoon without looking the for "stringy thingy" !!!
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Old 02-22-2009, 05:19 PM   #116
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nohmi2 View Post
Omigawd!!! I will never ever look at a waiter again holding a spoon without looking the for "stringy thingy" !!!
Wait. Are you saying every time you walk into a restaurant with spoons, you will be looking at the waiters crotches???


MOD ALERT!!!!
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Old 02-22-2009, 05:47 PM   #117
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Quote:
Originally Posted by desertgrandma View Post
Wait. Are you saying every time you walk into a restaurant with spoons, you will be looking at the waiters crotches???


MOD ALERT!!!!
Of course I do. Don't you???
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Old 02-22-2009, 05:50 PM   #118
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Of course I do. Don't you???
dang nosy Aussie!
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Old 02-22-2009, 05:59 PM   #119
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dang nosy Aussie!
It's the nature of the beast.
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Old 02-22-2009, 06:49 PM   #120
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Beepbeep n beebeep, yeah!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by desertgrandma View Post
Wait. Are you saying every time you walk into a restaurant with spoons, you will be looking at the waiters crotches???


MOD ALERT!!!!
What? You were the one who started it!
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