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Old 02-07-2009, 12:33 AM   #91
MMascaro
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MMascaro can extract oil from cheeseMMascaro can extract oil from cheeseMMascaro can extract oil from cheeseMMascaro can extract oil from cheeseMMascaro can extract oil from cheeseMMascaro can extract oil from cheeseMMascaro can extract oil from cheeseMMascaro can extract oil from cheese
 
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Old Tom had a problem that just before he woke up in the morning he let out a tremendous fart. His wife Doris told him if he keeps it up, one day he will fart his gut out. Then on Thanksgiving, Doris was feeling a little sneaky, so when she removed the innards from the turkey she snuck up the her sleeping husband and carefully placed the entrails in the back if his shorts. Later in the kitchen, Doris hears the usual noise followed by a horrible scream and running feet. A few minute later her husband comes down the stairs, white and shaken. He looks at his wife and says, “Honey, you were right. I finally farted my guts out. But with a jar of Vaseline and these two fingers, they are all back where they belong.
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Old 02-07-2009, 03:00 PM   #92
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It's about the umbrella
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**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the
phone?'**

**'No, Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with
Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause, Daddy says,but honey,
you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
Mommy,right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?'

**'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*


**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*
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Old 02-07-2009, 06:26 PM   #93
nohmi2
Pensively observing.
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Religious battle golf
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
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Old 02-07-2009, 06:28 PM   #94
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Old 02-07-2009, 07:30 PM   #95
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American astronaut is ejected from a rocket ship as it's about to blow up. He tumbles through the air and lands in the middle of the Australian Outback. He's picked up by a rescue helicopter and taken to an Outback hospital.

When he comes to, he doesn't exactly know where he is or what happened. Then a nurse walks into his room.

He looks at her and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?"

"No dear", she answers, "We brought you here yester-die"
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Old 02-07-2009, 08:37 PM   #96
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Enjoying the show....
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Originally Posted by cassidym View Post
American astronaut is ejected from a rocket ship as it's about to blow up. He tumbles through the air and lands in the middle of the Australian Outback. He's picked up by a rescue helicopter and taken to an Outback hospital.

When he comes to, he doesn't exactly know where he is or what happened. Then a nurse walks into his room.

He looks at her and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?"

"No dear", she answers, "We brought you here yester-die"
Good one!
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Old 02-08-2009, 06:23 AM   #97
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Wink

Quote:
Originally Posted by cassidym View Post
American astronaut is ejected from a rocket ship as it's about to blow up. He tumbles through the air and lands in the middle of the Australian Outback. He's picked up by a rescue helicopter and taken to an Outback hospital.

When he comes to, he doesn't exactly know where he is or what happened. Then a nurse walks into his room.

He looks at her and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?"

"No dear", she answers, "We brought you here yester-die"
Good onya mate.
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Old 02-08-2009, 07:25 AM   #98
Over
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- Daddy, I don't like grandma!
- Then eat only the patatoes!
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Old 02-08-2009, 07:28 AM   #99
Over
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Two canibals were cooking a live ethyopian man in a big cauldron, filled with boiling water and some vegetables, in what would be a nice soup. One of them started to hit the poor man in the head with the wooden spoon.

- What are you doing? - asked the other canibal.
- This son of a bit*h is eating all the patatoes!

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Old 02-08-2009, 07:56 AM   #100
MickeyC
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James Patrick is walking down the street in Dublin towards the church when a friend of his happens along.

"Is it confession you be going to, James?" asks his friend

"Oh, aye", replies James

"Well", responds his friend, "You'll no doubt be confessing your sins to Father O'Mally, noted disciplinarian! So you best be giving him all the details of all your sinning or there'll be no absolution "

"Aye" says James and into the church he goes.

He walks in and goes directly into the confessional and kneels down.

The little window slides up and none other than Father O'Mally says 'Go ahead son"

"Bless me Father for I have sinned", confesses James, "I made love to a woman, not me wife"

"Oh the shame of it all" scolds O'Mally, "And you a good Irish Catholic lad. What was her name son?"

"Um, her name?" mumbles James, "Um, you need her name"

"Aye lad, was it Maureen O'Reilly?"

"Uh, no Father, it wasn't. I didn't know you'd want a name"

"I do lad after all I am the priest for the whole parish. Was it Particia Flynn?"

"No Father it wasn't. I didn't know you want a name"

"Well son I am the shepherd for the entire flock and need all the details of all eh sinning. Was it Bridie Murphy?"

"No Father it wasn't and, frankly, I'm not prepared to tell you her name"

"Not prepared? Not prepared? Well son, I'm not prepared to forgive your sins. So they'll be no absolution now be off with you"

So, stunned, James walks out of the church and back up the street when his friend sees him again.

"So James, did you go to confession then?"

Oh aye" says James

"And was it Father O'Mally that heard your confession?"

"Aye" answers James

"And did you get absolution?"

"No" answers James, "but I got three new leads!"
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Old 02-08-2009, 05:39 PM   #101
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Some more bad puns...

Subject: A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword


[SIZE=+0]* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* If electricity comes from electrons . . . does that mean that morality comes from morons?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* Without geometry, life is pointless.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+0]* When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.[/SIZE]
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:25 AM   #102
rebarnmom
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Quote:
A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword
These puns are fun! But I gotta' run. I hope they're not done!
I love this thread!

Last edited by rebarnmom; 02-09-2009 at 11:28 AM.
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:36 AM   #103
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wetdogeared View Post
Subject: A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword
Quote:
Originally Posted by rebarnmom View Post
These puns are fun! But I gotta' run. I hope they're not done!
I love this thread!
I love this thread, good one!
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Old 02-15-2009, 08:12 PM   #104
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This is long but it's worth it!


Harry lived in Winter Harbor and had never been out of the state of Maine in his life. But, one day, he has to go to Boston to sign some papers. So, he takes the bus to Bangor and then the train on down through southern Maine, through New Hampshire and onto Boston.

He gets off the train in Boston and hails a cab asking the driver to take him to a good hotel. “Sure thing”, says the cabbie, and takes him to the Commonwealth Hotel.

Once there, Harry goes up to the desk to inquire as to the availability of a room. “Sorry”, says the desk clerk, “put we’re fully booked. However, if you don’t mind a wait, I might be able to take care of you. You see, this old fella just died up on four. We’re removing the body and cleaning up the room at the moment. So, if you don’t mind staying where a dead man just was, I can put you up for the night. In fact, why don’t you go on into the dinning room and have your supper? By the time you’re done, your room will be ready”

Harry thinks it over and decides he’s so tired and hungry he’ll do it. So, he goes off to the dinning room where the Maitre De shows him to a table and hands him a menu. Then the waitress comes up, dressed in a white skirt and blouse and asks what he’s like for supper. Harry orders the Baked Scrod and Boiled Potato.

“That’s fine“ says the waitress “and would you like some Clam Chowder?”

Harry says no. But the waitress responds, “You might want to reconsider Harry. Our Clam Chowder is reckoned to be the best in the City of Boston. People come from all over to eat it”

Harry still says no.

Then the maitre de comes over and tells Harry that their Clam Chowder is so good it’s thought to be the best in the entire State. In fact people come from as far away as Springfield and even western Massachusetts just to get a taste.

Harry ain’t having the Clam Chowder

Well then the Chef comes out and gets into it with Harry, telling him that he only uses the freshest clams and simmers it for 24 hours and, in fact, it’s considered to be the best Clam Chowder in all New England. People come from all over the Northeast US just to get a bowl.

But Harry says NO.

So the waitress flounces off in her white skirt and fetches Harry his Baked Scrod and boiled Potato. And it is delicious.

After he’s done and paid the bill, Harry goes on out to the front desk and signs the guest register and heads on up to his room on the fourth floor.

And, what with taking the bus from Winter Harbor to Bangor and the train to Boston and the cab to the hotel and arguing with the waitress and arguing with the maître de and arguing with the chef he’s mighty tuckered out. So, he goes straight to bed.

Well Harry ain’t been asleep 30 minutes when the door opens.

It’s a nurse and she ain’t heard the old fella’s died.

Well, before Harry knows what’s happened; down go the bed clothes, down go his pajama bottoms; She gives him an enema.

Well, next morning Harry goes and signs the papers and takes the train back to Bangor and the bus to Winter Harbor.

First thing he does when he gets home is go to see his neighbor Bert.

“Well Harry”, says Bert, “What did you think of Boston?”

“Well Bert”, answers Harry, “If you ever go to Boston and you stay in the Commonwealth Hotel and they offer you the Clam Chowder, you’d better take ‘cause they’re gonna get it into you one way or the other!”

Last edited by MickeyC; 02-15-2009 at 08:15 PM.
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Old 02-16-2009, 06:22 PM   #105
desertgrandma
Enjoying the show....
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
Her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
Nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .



(scroll down)


'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'


(with apologies to blondes.)
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