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Old 02-01-2009, 02:47 PM   #76
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Originally Posted by rebarnmom View Post
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
[A cynical variant] They go to the judge to get a divorce -- the judge says "but? What the heck? After all these years ?" And they answer "well, now that the children are dead..."

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Old 02-01-2009, 08:00 PM   #77
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Edna's letter to God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.

Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched.

He showed the letter to all the other workers.

Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.


Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:
Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful Gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:30 PM   #78
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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
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Old 02-06-2009, 08:12 PM   #79
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Enjoying the show....
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Exactly how I feel right now.
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Old 02-06-2009, 08:37 PM   #80
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens have not evolved yet.
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Old 02-06-2009, 09:56 PM   #81
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MB:

Nice signature! Hope you don't mind if I borrow it...
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Old 02-06-2009, 10:00 PM   #82
Madam Broshkina
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Originally Posted by nrapallo View Post
MB:

Nice signature! Hope you don't mind if I borrow it...
It looks like only the PRC version supports cryllic.
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Old 02-06-2009, 10:07 PM   #83
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It looks like only the PRC version supports cryllic.
I think the .lrf and .epub also support it. I KNOW that .imp doesn't!
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Last edited by nrapallo; 02-06-2009 at 10:12 PM.
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Old 02-06-2009, 10:20 PM   #84
Madam Broshkina
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Strange, I get this:
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Old 02-06-2009, 10:37 PM   #85
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Strange, I get this:
I'm using Calibre v0.4.132 for the lrf-viewer.exe and epub-viewer.exe under WinXP SP3.
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Old 02-06-2009, 10:50 PM   #86
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I'm using the Sony software and the latest version of Adobe Digital Editions on Vista.
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Old 02-06-2009, 11:02 PM   #87
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I'm using the Sony software and the latest version of Adobe Digital Editions on Vista.
Did you try viewing it on the Sony PRS? Would it be the same result?

I don't have a Sony PRS so I can only view .lrf/.epub ebooks using software, not hardware.
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Old 02-06-2009, 11:18 PM   #88
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I expect it would be the same on the actual reader. My experience is what you get in the Sony Software you get on your reader.
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Old 02-06-2009, 11:36 PM   #89
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I expect it would be the same on the actual reader. My experience is what you get in the Sony Software you get on your reader.
Hey, we have the same post count, though, I'm a bit lacking in the karma dept... Now, you can't reply just yet or else I'll have to reply as well

I'm savouring the moment ...
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Old 02-06-2009, 11:46 PM   #90
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SOUTHERN GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
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