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Old 10-16-2013, 07:22 PM   #7141
Fbone
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Here's a big shout out to sidewalks ... thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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Old 10-17-2013, 09:42 AM   #7142
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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!
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Old 10-17-2013, 05:26 PM   #7143
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Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
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Old 10-18-2013, 05:55 PM   #7144
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"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company.
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Old 10-18-2013, 07:34 PM   #7145
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masterreading figured out that Keyser Söze was the Kevin Spacey character in less than 20 minutes.masterreading figured out that Keyser Söze was the Kevin Spacey character in less than 20 minutes.masterreading figured out that Keyser Söze was the Kevin Spacey character in less than 20 minutes.masterreading figured out that Keyser Söze was the Kevin Spacey character in less than 20 minutes.masterreading figured out that Keyser Söze was the Kevin Spacey character in less than 20 minutes.masterreading figured out that Keyser Söze was the Kevin Spacey character in less than 20 minutes.masterreading figured out that Keyser Söze was the Kevin Spacey character in less than 20 minutes.masterreading figured out that Keyser Söze was the Kevin Spacey character in less than 20 minutes.masterreading figured out that Keyser Söze was the Kevin Spacey character in less than 20 minutes.masterreading figured out that Keyser Söze was the Kevin Spacey character in less than 20 minutes.masterreading figured out that Keyser Söze was the Kevin Spacey character in less than 20 minutes.
 
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Morris gives properties to his family

Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed.

He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near.

So he says to them:
"Bennie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."

Sarah replies, "Not really... he had a newspaper route."
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Old 10-19-2013, 05:22 AM   #7146
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pilotbob View Post
Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, I.C.U.
I worked in a town in the UK called Staines for a while. On the same business park as our offices was a Siemens office. It was commonly agreed that they would answer the phone; "Siemens, Staines"!
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Old 10-19-2013, 09:41 AM   #7147
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The Ten Funniest Names in Sports History!
Otherwise known as, ‘Why I Hate my Parents.’

January 6th, 2010 James LeBeau

The first gift that a child receives, other than life, is usually a name. A name can shape and guide you throughout your life and can play a key role in a person’s development. Unfortunately, some people are thrown behind the 8 ball at an early age. Here’s a list of ten athletes who may need some serious therapy time thanks to their parents. But give credit where credit is due, they have achieved some sort of permanent notoriety as some of the funniest people in sports history!

Ron Tugnutt – A former NHL goaltender that played for various teams from 1984 to 2004.*

Gregor Fucka – This Italian basketball player goes by the nickname “uncle”…I kid you not.*

Dick Trickle – Only in NASCAR would a name like this fit, though you have to wonder what his parents were thinking.

Lucious Pusey – Gotta feel sorry for this former college football player growing up. The stigma of this name was so bad that he had his last name changed to Seymour.*

Harry Colon – Harry played 6 NFL seasons from 1991-97 with the Patriots, Lions and Jaguars and holds the record for sickest image imagined by a name.*

Dick Pole – A pitcher for the Mariners and Red Sox in the ’80′s< Dick may not win first place on my list but his name is sure to bring a chuckle.

B.J. Johnson – It’s simple and basic humor for this NFL player but you can’t go wrong with classic Penis jokes!

Misty Hyman – A former Olympic gold medalist, Misty wins the gold for funniest name. GOLD Winner

Rusty Cuntz – Kuntz played outfield for the White Sox, Twins and Tigers from 1979 to 1985. He wins second place for funniest name in my book behind good old Misty Hymen. SILVER Winner

Chubby Cox – This former professional basketball player is actually named John but preferred to go by “Chubby”. BRONZE Winner

CRAVEONLINE
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Old 10-20-2013, 03:44 PM   #7148
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Santa saw your Facebook pictures. You'll be getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
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Old 10-20-2013, 04:40 PM   #7149
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A couple of years ago, we were standing in line to get into an event, probably a cider tasting or a wine something... the nice young lady was charged with checking all attendees, to make sure we were all of age. I'm obviously "of age", without the need to check my ID.

She asked me how old I was, and without thinking, I answered "Honey, I'm so old, I was born last century."

She looked startled, and her eyes got really large. She stammered "I'm sorry, I just had to ask..."

Let me see, I guess I could have been about 11. I don't know... I just think that at her age, I was a lot wiser.

--

Someone at work asked me, "So, how old ARE you?"

Well, in Dog Years, I'm dead.
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Old 10-21-2013, 08:08 AM   #7150
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I'm old enough to remember when radio was in black and white.
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Old 10-21-2013, 08:42 AM   #7151
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Debt and Honor

The man loaned money to his sons to help them get their start in life, but he always reminded them that it was just a loan, and a man's honor depends upon his ability to pay his debts, no matter what. You may starve, your children may go hungry, but until the debt was paid, you had no honor ~ especially if the debt was to FAMILY!

They grew successful, by following his advice, but he would remind them, "Your honor is your greatest asset! If you cheat your partners, if you cheat your friends, if you cheat your customers -- well, if you cheat them big time - and you get caught, then you have no honor. Everybody will know! Word gets around. You can ask anybody in our community, and they will tell you. "Morris, that cheapskate, what an honorable man!" "Morris' briskett -- a little fatty, but oh, what an honorable man!" "Oh, that Morris, he should break his neck - such a time he gives me - but he... HE is an honorable man!"

His sons promised that they would always pay off their debts, even if it took them a bit longer, and even if (they hinted) the person that loaned to them didn't need it. And the older man hinted back, "as if anyone would ever forget a debt - an HONORABLE one!... no matter how small, if someone owes you something, you always think they're a bum, until you're paid back. Even your best friend, he's a bum, until he owes you nothing. A nice bum, your best bum, but still a bum."

Although he never mentioned the debts - much - publicly, but he reminded them as he (and they) got older. "So, Abe, how's the clinic? You paid off that surgery table, didn't you?" "Yes, pa" "Good! Nobody wants their son to be a bum!" Abraham knew it wasn't about the table, it was about the loan that started the clinic.

"Sammy, you settled that big deal! You made sure your partners got their fair share?" "Yes, pa" Sammuel knew it wasn't about the latest deal, but about the loan that started the firm.

"Mo! Elsie said your potato pancakes were delicious at the bris. And Sid The Supplier said you paid him promptly!" said the old man, gleaming. "Yes pa" Morris Jr. knew what was implied by the comment.

But, their dad was patient. He knew he had raised honorable young men.

When the old man died, his widow what so ashamed... her son, "The Doctor, p-tu", said he was in surgery, saving some young goyle's life, and would be late. Everybody who worked at his clinic showed up, tho', to pay their respects.

And, her son "who owns the Delicatessen, p-tew", had to stay late to to work on a big catering deal - but all the waiters and staff showed up to show their respect.

But her son Sammy, "The Lawyer" -- now HE was there! Such an honor, to her old husband.

Sammy stood at the coffin, bent down and kissed his pa one last time, took something from his pocket and slid it into his dad's suit.

The service was almost over when Mo showed up, puffing and panting, red in the face, but he was there. He went up and lifted the lid and kissed his pa one last time, and slid something from his pocket into his dad's suit.

Then Abe came in, sweating, but smiling, and shuffled up, lifted the lid, kissed dad, and slid something into his dad's pocket.

Around the grave, as the last touches where being patted down, they stood. They knew what people thought about them... the rich son's of Morris... and how they had been late.

Abe looked sheepishly at the others and said -- "I was up late, thinking about what dad said... and today, I went and sold almost half my stock, just so I could get the money to pay pa back... even tho' I know he can't spend it, I know I've done the right thing... I've paid my debt."

Mo, Jr. looked at the ground... "You know, I thought... he's old, he's rich, he doesn't need it... but all last night, I kept hearing his voice 'Be Honorable! Pay your debts!' So I got up early and went in. Ilsie thinks I'm crazy, she says. "He's forgotten, already! He don't need it! WE need it!", but I couldn't help it. I hocked some stuff, and took out a loan - which I will repay! But... I have paid my debt to dad!"

They both looked at Sammy, the Lawyer. Sammy just smiled. "Boys," he said, "A man is only as good as his honor. Remember that. This day, you have made pa proud!"

"But what about you? You've done well. Did you pay pa off? We didn't see YOU working late or sweating over what do tell your wife!"

"Boys! I am hurt! Of course I paid pa back! Before you boys got there, I slipped a little something in the coffin, just like you two! I wrote him a check!"
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Old 10-21-2013, 02:00 PM   #7152
Fbone
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I get my cereal from a tiger, insurance from a gecko, toilet paper from a bear, financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.
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Old 10-21-2013, 06:19 PM   #7153
Fbone
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Someone emailed this to me:

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
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Old 10-21-2013, 07:57 PM   #7154
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I'd love see this implemented each time someone opens their browser.
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Old 10-22-2013, 11:00 AM   #7155
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I'd love see this implemented each time someone opens their browser.
I'd like a hug before being eaten.
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