Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 406

Freeshadow · 02-15-2013, 03:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Love is like a game of cards.

Bridge eh?

If you don't have a good partner you need a good hand.

Pookeysgirl · 02-15-2013, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Love is like a game of cards.

You start off with two hearts and a diamond.

You end up wishing for a club and a spade.

Fbone · 02-15-2013, 06:55 PM

"My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game."

badgoodDeb · 02-15-2013, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

"My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game."

Or else "who is fastest on the draw" ....

(a Western gunslinger phrase, in case it is USA only)

PeterT · 02-16-2013, 12:02 AM

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge"?

Fbone · 02-16-2013, 07:58 PM

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

Iznogood · 02-17-2013, 08:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Love is like a game of cards.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freeshadow

Bridge eh?

But hopefully the kind of bridge played without a dummy

Fbone · 02-17-2013, 04:16 PM

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

"He says you’re gonna die."

pdurrant · 02-17-2013, 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.

I know it was a joke, but just in case: This is, of course, not what to do if someone is bitten by a snake!

Figwit · 02-17-2013, 11:32 PM

Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

orlok · 02-18-2013, 09:34 AM

Apologies in advance...

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

MJK2111 · 02-18-2013, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

Apologies in advance...

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

Bravo!

Fbone · 02-18-2013, 03:14 PM

Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.

yvanleterrible · 02-18-2013, 06:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.

...but they'll gladly pick your funny bone...

Kumabjorn · 02-19-2013, 07:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.

Reminds me of this.
A buddy is one who will help you move.
A true friend will help you move a corpse.
Dog is man's best friend.

02-16-2013, 12:02 AM	#6080
PeterT Wizard Posts: 4,223 Karma: 31947112 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Wifi (mine); Touch (wife + mine); iTouch (wife)	A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge"? __________________ Peter

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02-15-2013, 06:55 PM	#6078
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 4,121 Karma: 57718685 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NJ Device: Searching ...	"My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game."

02-16-2013, 07:58 PM	#6081
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 4,121 Karma: 57718685 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NJ Device: Searching ...	After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

02-17-2013, 04:16 PM	#6083
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 4,121 Karma: 57718685 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NJ Device: Searching ...	Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

02-17-2013, 11:32 PM	#6085
Figwit Zealot Posts: 105 Karma: 1410580 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Australia Device: IPad, Kindle 3, Kindle 4, Kindle Touch	Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. 'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner. 'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.' The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?' 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.' 'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector. 'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

02-18-2013, 09:34 AM	#6086
orlok Desperation Posts: 7,169 Karma: 207511074 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Fire HD, Kobo glo	Apologies in advance... Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorius.

02-18-2013, 03:14 PM	#6088
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 4,121 Karma: 57718685 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NJ Device: Searching ...	Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.


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