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Old 12-20-2012, 09:46 PM   #5806
EZPuzzler
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Why it is hard to have a boys night out when you are in a relationship:

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I took a taxi home. Just ............as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her "MIDNIGHT"... she didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, laughed, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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Old 12-21-2012, 04:30 AM   #5807
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Then she said "We need a new cuckoo clock."
Or you need a new wife
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Old 12-21-2012, 03:32 PM   #5808
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Old 12-21-2012, 05:05 PM   #5809
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Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl asked, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out & wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man who was standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.
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Old 12-22-2012, 03:26 PM   #5810
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Two friends talking. “My wife drives like lighting!”

“You mean fast?”

“No, she always hits trees!”
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Old 12-23-2012, 02:30 PM   #5811
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A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. “Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem anymore,” the man replied. “But now my wife does.”
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Old 12-23-2012, 05:33 PM   #5812
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I walked in on my wife singing the other day.

Surprised, I said "Oh, I thought you were the radio."

Flattered, she asked "Did you come to listen?"

"No," I replied, "I came to turn it off."
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Old 12-24-2012, 06:28 AM   #5813
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I walked in on my wife singing the other day.

Surprised, I said "Oh, I thought you were the radio."

Flattered, she asked "Did you come to listen?"

"No," I replied, "I came to turn it off."
Either you like living dangerously, Orlok, or you're a suicidal maniac. Hope I never meet you in traffic!
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:54 AM   #5814
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$5.37!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only$4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
AllI could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
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Old 12-24-2012, 04:17 PM   #5815
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Old 12-24-2012, 07:46 PM   #5816
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A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that?!”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable.”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes in the garage, no more country club, and we’ll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

“Who’s that with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

She replies, “Ours is prettier.”
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Old 12-24-2012, 08:29 PM   #5817
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Old 12-25-2012, 10:50 AM   #5818
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Straight to Facebook to amuse the family!
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Old 12-25-2012, 12:39 PM   #5819
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Straight to Facebook to amuse the family!
Doh! I just did the same.. proper copyright attributions included of course.
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Old 12-25-2012, 01:52 PM   #5820
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Politically Correct or not ...?

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR
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