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Old 12-07-2012, 11:09 AM   #5746
WT Sharpe
Grand Muckity-Muck
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Not really a joke, but I like the way that farmer thinks.
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Old 12-07-2012, 11:36 AM   #5747
Kumabjorn
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Me too.
Never, ever let the bastards get you.
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Old 12-07-2012, 01:20 PM   #5748
Kumabjorn
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A dyslexic agnostic insomniac is one who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Old 12-07-2012, 01:26 PM   #5749
Pookeysgirl
Wizard
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I hope these haven't been posted already.

A few psychic jokes:

"I almost had a Psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."... Steven Wright.
.................................................. ............
A lady visits a psychic of some local repute. In a candle lit room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the tarot reader delivers the bad news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the lady stares at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She takes a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply has to know. She meets the tarot reader's gaze, steadies her voice, and asks: "Will I get away with it?"
.................................................. ........
I went to a psychic fair once but it was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
.................................................. .......
If people have "psychic powers", how come they don't win all the lotteries?
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Old 12-07-2012, 01:48 PM   #5750
yvanleterrible
When books can fly!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WT Sharpe View Post
Not really a joke, but I like the way that farmer thinks.
Yeah, me too. Just like his horses he sees outside of the box...
Last edited by yvanleterrible; 12-07-2012 at 01:56 PM.
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Old 12-07-2012, 09:05 PM   #5751
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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An airliner is flying accross country, when the pilot comes on the PA to announce, "we have some bad news. One of the engines just failed and as a result, we will be delayed by 30 minutes."

A bit later, the pilot returns, "we have some more bad news. Another engine just failed, and we will be delayed an additional hour."

Another bit later, "Sorry folks, more bad news. A third engine just failed, and so, since we will be running only on the one remaining engine, the flight will be delayed by another two hours."

At this point, a disgruntled passenger turns to his neighbor and says, "I sure hope that last engine keeps working or else we'll be up here all night!"
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Old 12-07-2012, 10:08 PM   #5752
Nexutix
with TBR of 500+ !!!
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Originally Posted by Fbone View Post
At this point, a disgruntled passenger turns to his neighbor and says, "I sure hope that last engine keeps working or else we'll be up here all night!"
That would be true for airships.
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Old 12-08-2012, 08:02 AM   #5753
orlok
Desperation
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My wife gave me a leaflet about anger management last week...

I lost it.
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Old 12-08-2012, 08:03 AM   #5754
orlok
Desperation
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I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices all over a non-fiction book.

It's baste on a true story.
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Old 12-08-2012, 09:05 AM   #5755
James_Wilde
Guru
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Just got this one on FB - no, not F-Bone, dummies. Facebook. Maybe you've not seen it yet:

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Old 12-08-2012, 06:04 PM   #5756
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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How to Get a Raise

A maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase.

Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you deserve a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife: (really furious now) "Did my husband say that as well?!"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"
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Old 12-09-2012, 11:45 AM   #5757
EZPuzzler
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King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites.
His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates ,
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world..

He went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied :
"When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
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Old 12-10-2012, 07:12 AM   #5758
Hamlet53
Forever War
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Old 12-10-2012, 08:58 AM   #5759
red_phoenix
What we think we become
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:11 PM   #5760
steven522
binomial: homo legentem
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Man... I've got to remember that for next year...
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