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Old 12-05-2012, 06:07 AM   #5731
Nexutix
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A young Corporal is sitting in the smoking area having a cigarette, when a brand new Lieutenant walks up him. The Lieutenant asks "Corporal, do you have change for a $20 bill?" The Corporal replies "Yea, sure buddy, one second." Hearing this, the Officer grows cross. "Corporal, I am a Commissioned Officer and you will address me appropriately. Stand up straight, get that smoke out of your mouth, and try again. Now, do you have change for a $20 bill?" The Corporal stands straight up, looks directly to his front and yells

Spoiler:
"SIR, I DO NOT, SIR!"
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Old 12-05-2012, 03:17 PM   #5732
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A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
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Old 12-05-2012, 03:42 PM   #5733
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Love that one!!!
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Old 12-05-2012, 07:04 PM   #5734
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A man came home from work and found his three children outside, ........ She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
You are most definitely on a roll these days!


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Old 12-05-2012, 07:56 PM   #5735
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fbone View Post
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
That's one for Mothers day..
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Old 12-06-2012, 07:43 AM   #5736
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Getting back into it
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I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure," I said. "But that would explain the suitcase."
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Old 12-06-2012, 08:07 AM   #5737
Hamlet53
Feast of the Goat
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Originally Posted by Stitchawl View Post
You are most definitely on a roll these days!


Stitchawl
Very good.
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Old 12-06-2012, 08:08 AM   #5738
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Feast of the Goat
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Early TV nostalgia
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Old 12-06-2012, 09:59 AM   #5739
Stitchawl
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orlok View Post
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure," I said. "But that would explain the suitcase."

Have you been taking lessons from Fbone?
The two of you can start your own Comedy Club and make a fortune!


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Old 12-06-2012, 10:03 AM   #5740
PeterT
Taking a break; Fed up
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Originally Posted by orlok View Post
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure," I said. "But that would explain the suitcase."
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Old 12-06-2012, 11:26 AM   #5741
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"But that would explain the suitcase."
I rolled my eyes so hard on that one I flung a retina out into the hallway.
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:24 PM   #5742
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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A gas station in Newfoundland was trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a local Newfy pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The Newf then guessed 8, the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same Newf, along with a buddy, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The Newf guessed 2 this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, his buddy said to him, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Newfy replied, "No it ain't Billy, it's not rigged. My wife won two weeks in a row ."
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Old 12-07-2012, 07:23 AM   #5743
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Oh, goodie! Newfie jokes are back!
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Old 12-07-2012, 07:43 AM   #5744
LCF
On workation
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Haha! Reminds me of something I read yesterday in the newest Dresden Files novel. Quoting Harry Dresden:

Quote:
Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a day,” I said. “But set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life. Tao of Pratchett. I live by it.
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Old 12-07-2012, 08:53 AM   #5745
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He walks into the local pub and sits at the bar he order three pints of Guiness. All at once. He sits at the bar drinking the three pints alone. The bartender thinks it is strange but doesn't ask questions. This happens every week for a few months until curiosity get the better of the barkeep and he asks about the three pints of Guiness.

The Irishman answers, "one is for my brother in Dublin, one is for my brother is Kilkenny, and the other is for me. I miss them terribly and I like to think I'm having a pint with them as if we were together back at home."

After about a year of this routine the barkeep sees the Iriashman come in and starts to pour the three pints. The Irishman interrupts, "Just two today." And he sits at the bar and drinks only two beers.

The barkeep is very concerned and after a few weeks of this finally asks, "Are your brothers are they okay, was there a death?"

"Oh no, nothing like that. I decided to quit drinking."
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