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Old 11-25-2012, 07:37 PM   #5671
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Old 11-25-2012, 10:33 PM   #5672
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Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in Rehab exercising”.

Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising”.

And sure enough, there’s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.”

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”

“No”, says the nurse, “Some dope put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
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Old 11-25-2012, 10:38 PM   #5673
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.................

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”

“No”, says the nurse, “Some dope put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.



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Old 11-26-2012, 03:46 PM   #5674
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Old 11-26-2012, 04:54 PM   #5675
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to "Instruction manuals"
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Old 11-26-2012, 06:52 PM   #5676
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I told my wife i wanted something that goes 0 to 190 in under 5 seconds for Christmas...and she bought me a scale.


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Old 11-27-2012, 05:53 AM   #5677
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I told my wife i wanted something that goes 0 to 190 in under 5 seconds for Christmas...and she bought me a scale.


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That's not a fast!
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Old 11-27-2012, 01:59 PM   #5678
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."
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Old 11-27-2012, 02:01 PM   #5679
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How to flummox a Millennial?
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Old 11-27-2012, 02:42 PM   #5680
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How to flummox a Millennial?
Lol I purposely never set up my voicemail for this reason :P
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Old 11-27-2012, 03:00 PM   #5681
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The Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says "We don't allow Higgs boson in here. The Higgs boson says, "But without me how can you have mass?"
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Old 11-27-2012, 05:52 PM   #5682
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The Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says "We don't allow Higgs boson in here. The Higgs boson says, "But without me how can you have mass?"
Boo! Hiss!


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Old 11-28-2012, 12:26 AM   #5683
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A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."
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Old 11-28-2012, 07:30 AM   #5684
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A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."
His funeral is on Friday.
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Old 11-28-2012, 08:14 AM   #5685
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A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."
Oddly enough, my wife didn't find this funny. I, on the other hand, worked very, very hard not to actually roll on the floor...


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