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Old 11-10-2012, 09:28 AM   #5596
orlok
Relaxing
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I was interviewing a blonde girl today for a secretarial job, and got round to some questions about personality.

"If you only had one flaw, what would it be?" I asked.

"Easy," she said, "A bungalow."
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Old 11-10-2012, 04:14 PM   #5597
Bookpossum
Snoozing in the sun
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TOP COUNTRY SONG TITLES

1. If the phone don't ring, you'll know it's me.

2. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

3. I liked you better before I got to know you so well.

4. I still miss you baby, but my aim's gettin' better.

5. I wouldn't take her to a dogfight, 'cause I'm afraid she'd win.

6. I'm so miserable without you it's like having you here.

7. If I had shot you when I wanted to I'd be out of prison by now.

8. My wife ran off with my best friend and I sure do miss him.

9. Her teeth was stained by her heart was pure.
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Old 11-11-2012, 12:19 AM   #5598
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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Old 11-11-2012, 10:28 AM   #5599
orlok
Relaxing
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Embarrassed, I reluctantly visited the doctor when I couldn't budge the large carrot jammed tightly up my bum.

"Oh dear," he smirked. "Been exploring our latent desires, have we?"

"No," I said. "Today was my first day as a door to door vegetable salesman in Glasgow."
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Old 11-11-2012, 10:30 AM   #5600
Bilbo1967
Not scared!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orlok View Post
Embarrassed, I reluctantly visited the doctor when I couldn't budge the large carrot jammed tightly up my bum.

"Oh dear," he smirked. "Been exploring our latent desires, have we?"

"No," I said. "Today was my first day as a door to door vegetable salesman in Glasgow."
Did you mean to post this in the 'What are you doing right now' thread?
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Old 11-11-2012, 10:43 AM   #5601
orlok
Relaxing
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Did you mean to post this in the 'What are you doing right now' thread?
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Old 11-11-2012, 02:44 PM   #5602
poohbear_nc
Feliz Fowlidad!
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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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Old 11-12-2012, 12:40 AM   #5603
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? He's trying to figure out the combination!
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Old 11-12-2012, 02:15 PM   #5604
orlok
Relaxing
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I made my 8-month-old son spaghetti bolognese for dinner.

To save time, I rubbed the mince in his face and threw the rest on the carpet.
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Old 11-12-2012, 05:35 PM   #5605
Freeshadow
temp. out of service
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Which diagnosis will help you to the famous pills of choice from the "Matrix" movies?
Spoiler:
electile dysfunction
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Old 11-12-2012, 08:06 PM   #5606
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Walking can add minutes to your life. That enables you at 85 to spend an additional 5 months in the nursing home at $7,000 per month.
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Old 11-13-2012, 04:34 PM   #5607
Daithi
Publishers are evil!
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I can't brain today... i have the dumb.
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Old 11-13-2012, 04:55 PM   #5608
Lynx-lynx
Kiki's cheeky Christmas!
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Bagpiper at a Funeral.


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a Funeral Director to play at a graveside service for a homeless Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Paupers' Cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late, and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the Diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

As I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I had finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, " I Never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."



Slainte
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Old 11-13-2012, 11:51 PM   #5609
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
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Old 11-14-2012, 01:36 PM   #5610
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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I like to stop the microwave with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
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