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Old 11-01-2012, 11:08 AM   #5551
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I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........What the hell is she talking about?
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Old 11-02-2012, 06:39 AM   #5552
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I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"

"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
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Old 11-04-2012, 03:48 AM   #5553
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RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.

6.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9... September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11... October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15.. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

Signed
The Manager
Target
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Old 11-04-2012, 08:16 AM   #5554
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Old 11-04-2012, 10:47 AM   #5555
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RETIRED HUSBAND....
Those aren't jokes. They're lifesaving tips for retired husbands!

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Old 11-04-2012, 12:57 PM   #5556
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Two men, tom and bob were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent. "You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”. After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! so tom said "it’s cool, follow my lead!" he puts on shades and is stopped at the door "no dogs allowed sir!" tom insisted "oh it’s my seeing eye dog let me in" "it is? But that’s a dachshund !"

"Yes they're using them now because of their amazing sense of smell"

"Very well come in." bob puts on shades and also stopped before entering

"No dogs allowed sir!" the waiter heckled.

"Oh please forgive me, it’s my seeing eye dog" bob apologized.

"A chihuahua?!!!" the waiter shouted

"WHAT??? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA!?!?"
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Old 11-04-2012, 07:07 PM   #5557
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Those aren't jokes. They're lifesaving tips for retired husbands!

Gosh, I thought everybody did this...
Don't forget about switching lines at the check-out while asking the person ahead of you if this is the correct gate for the 4:35 flight to Aruba.


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Old 11-04-2012, 08:53 PM   #5558
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The best thing ever happened to me while playing jokes was while doing the purse on fishing line thing: a bus! (tourist carrier class not the usual public transportation) stopped and the driver exited to collect. While he couldn't see us hiding beside the road the passengers did. Hearing the laughter after he reentered the bus was sweeter than any music. We tought it was very kind of him not only to make a greedy fool of himself but even provide us a full load of comfortably seated public for the whole spectacle.
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Old 11-05-2012, 04:16 AM   #5559
Lynx-lynx
Kiki's cheeky Christmas!
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Gosh, I thought everybody did this...
Don't forget about switching lines at the check-out while asking the person ahead of you if this is the correct gate for the 4:35 flight to Aruba.


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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freeshadow View Post
The best thing ever happened to me while playing jokes was while doing the purse on fishing line thing: a bus! (tourist carrier class not the usual public transportation) stopped and the driver exited to collect. While he couldn't see us hiding beside the road the passengers did. Hearing the laughter after he reentered the bus was sweeter than any music. We tought it was very kind of him not only to make a greedy fool of himself but even provide us a full load of comfortably seated public for the whole spectacle.
Sounds like you two are well practiced at anti social techniques when the situation calls for it!!
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Old 11-05-2012, 05:21 AM   #5560
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Sounds like you two are well practiced at anti social techniques when the situation calls for it!!
... when the situation calls for it.
I still get invited to embassy dinners, just not ALL the embassies.


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Old 11-05-2012, 03:51 PM   #5561
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... when the situation calls for it.
I still get invited to embassy dinners, just not ALL the embassies.


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You don't say whether ypu are invited by the Embassy staff, or another nations staff!
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Old 11-05-2012, 05:42 PM   #5562
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Kiki's cheeky Christmas!
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You don't say whether ypu are invited by the Embassy staff, or another nations staff!
Definitely part of the mob brought in to 'lighten up' and 'add some colour' to other countries functions.
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Old 11-05-2012, 07:45 PM   #5563
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Definitely part of the mob brought in to 'lighten up' and 'add some colour' to other countries functions.
Well, there is no denying the fact that I'm the only one at Japanese embassy parties NOT wearing a dark suit, no tie, no white shirt, and white socks! And I never take off my hat!


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Old 11-06-2012, 01:19 AM   #5564
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Well, there is no denying the fact that I'm the only one at Japanese embassy parties NOT wearing a dark suit, no tie, no white shirt, and white socks! And I never take off my hat!


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you can leave your hat on

We get it - invited by some ambassadors wives, eh?
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Old 11-06-2012, 03:06 AM   #5565
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You'd actually travel to Tokyo for an embassy party?
I always thought they were such droll affairs, then again I was interpreting at them so it was "office hours".
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