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Old 10-24-2012, 04:44 PM   #5521
HomeInMyShoes
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These jokes are baaahd.
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Old 10-24-2012, 05:34 PM   #5522
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My wife said to bring the magic back in our relationship. So I disappeared!
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Old 10-24-2012, 05:47 PM   #5523
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My wife said to bring the magic back in our relationship. So I disappeared!
That might just have done the job! Now she can read books and eat bon bons to her heart's content!
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Old 10-25-2012, 10:23 AM   #5524
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As Washington D.C. and the rest of the country prepares to participate in the "great shakeout" earthquake drill today, President Obama wants to remind everyone in our nation's capitol that even though the 5.8 magnitude quake that hit D.C. in 2011 happened during his term, the pressure buildup for the quake actually started when the republicans were in charge.
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Old 10-25-2012, 05:17 PM   #5525
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"Please scream as loud as you possibly can," says the dentist to his patient.

"Why should I do that?"

"The waiting room's full and the football's on in ten minutes."
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Old 10-25-2012, 05:46 PM   #5526
qlob
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As Washington D.C. and the rest of the country prepares to participate in the "great shakeout" earthquake drill today, President Obama wants to remind everyone in our nation's capitol that even though the 5.8 magnitude quake that hit D.C. in 2011 happened during his term, the pressure buildup for the quake actually started when the republicans were in charge.
My school did the shakeout thing last week......
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Old 10-25-2012, 11:07 PM   #5527
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"Please scream as loud as you possibly can," says the dentist to his patient.

"Why should I do that?"

"The waiting room's full and the football's on in ten minutes."
That would have been no problem for the dentist I had as a child. There were always screams coming from his office. And that was the adults! I was shocked to discover from my friends when I got older that there was this mysterious substance called Novocaine other dentists gave their patients when they drilled. I still remember the day this dentist told me, "My, you're a brave little boy. I can see the nerve!" Ha! I could feel the nerve! To this day, I dread trips to the dentist.

I do believe my childhood dentist was the inspiration for this song:

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Old 10-26-2012, 12:08 AM   #5528
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Is that a sandwich?
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I know a guy who can't hold his liquor during the winter months. It's probably the mittens.
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Old 10-26-2012, 03:17 AM   #5529
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That would have been no problem for the dentist I had as a child. There were always screams coming from his office. And that was the adults! I was shocked to discover from my friends when I got older that there was this mysterious substance called Novocaine other dentists gave their patients when they drilled. I still remember the day this dentist told me, "My, you're a brave little boy. I can see the nerve!" Ha! I could feel the nerve! To this day, I dread trips to the dentist.
Tom, no screams from my dentist's office except the ones I made. I never knew there was such a thing as 'painless' dentistry until I moved out of the house and stopped using MY FATHER as my dentist. And he USED Novocain. Lots of Novocain. I couldn't believe the first time I went to a different dentist when I was in the military, and it didn't hurt... All my friends and their families used my father and none ever complained that he was painful. Just me!
He was an Oral Surgeon, taught dentistry at N.Y.U. and Mt. Sinai Hospital two days a week. I have to assume that he was good, right? I wonder if this was some sort of passive aggressive thing that he was taking out on me?


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Old 10-26-2012, 07:14 AM   #5530
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I do believe my childhood dentist was the inspiration for this song:


My very favourite musical (in general, I'm not a fan of the genre).

Fortunately, I never need anything done to my teeth at my 6-monthly checkups, so the experience for me is quite a pleasant one, as he usually compliments the fact that he doesn't even need to clean or scrape them (I am a fan of the Firm toothbrush ).

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Tom, no screams from my dentist's office except the ones I made. I never knew there was such a thing as 'painless' dentistry until I moved out of the house and stopped using MY FATHER as my dentist. And he USED Novocain. Lots of Novocain. I couldn't believe the first time I went to a different dentist when I was in the military, and it didn't hurt... All my friends and their families used my father and none ever complained that he was painful. Just me!
He was an Oral Surgeon, taught dentistry at N.Y.U. and Mt. Sinai Hospital two days a week. I have to assume that he was good, right? I wonder if this was some sort of passive aggressive thing that he was taking out on me?


Stitchawl
There is simply no way I would have let my father anywhere near my teeth. In fact, I spent as much time as I could simply avoiding him altogether...
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Old 10-26-2012, 09:14 AM   #5531
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with TBR of 500+ !!!
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Man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
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Old 10-26-2012, 02:02 PM   #5532
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The woman that just drove past me on the motorway was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed.
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Old 10-26-2012, 09:38 PM   #5533
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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I met a woman named "Viamonte". I said, "You don't hear that name every day!"
She said, "Well, actually, I do."
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Old 10-26-2012, 09:41 PM   #5534
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Is that a sandwich?
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Here's another one. My last one wasn't funny.

A woman came in last in the 100 meter breaststroke at the local swim meet. She later complained, "The other girls were using their hands!"
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Old 10-28-2012, 04:31 AM   #5535
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A guy says to a dentist, "$200 to pull a tooth? That's only about one minute's work!" The dentist says, "I can make it last longer if you'd like."
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