Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 367

Nexutix · 10-17-2012, 12:58 AM

So...

What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

Spoiler:

Stitchawl · 10-17-2012, 07:01 AM

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

Stitchawl

Stitchawl · 10-17-2012, 07:58 PM

HAVING A BAD DAY.......... READ THIS......A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished
to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and, with
trembling hands, read the letter...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid scene
with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she
is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all
her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she
is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream
of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't
really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it
with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report card that's on the kitchen table.

Stitchawl

wannabee · 10-17-2012, 08:37 PM

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when
all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into
his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a
driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or
significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff......
..And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this on to your girlfriends who might need a good laugh!
Or to men who need a warning!
And remember: Money talks...chocolate sings.

Another giggle...

My husband, unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring to
monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in
a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time
he'll buy diamonds.

Daithi · 10-17-2012, 09:15 PM

My cousin is a truck driver and while going under a bridge he got his truck stuck. Eventually a cop showed up and said, "Got your truck stuck?"

My cousin smiled and replied, "No, I was delivering this overpass and ran out of gas."

Fbone · 10-17-2012, 10:02 PM

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Daithi · 10-18-2012, 12:03 AM

When we were kids, my cousin and I were fishing when this cop walks up asks, "You boys fishing?"

My cousin smiled and replied, "No, we're drowning these here worms."

Fbone · 10-18-2012, 03:27 PM

I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire.

orlok · 10-19-2012, 04:26 AM

When I was young I was scared of the dark.

Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.

wannabee · 10-19-2012, 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

When I was young I was scared of the dark.

Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.

Oh I am going to steal that. Most in my office at work have seen their electricity bill go from around $300-600 to over a thousand this quarter.

What a shocker! We were stunned.

orlok · 10-19-2012, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wannabee

Oh I am going to steal that. Most in my office at work have seen their electricity bill go from around $300-600 to over a thousand this quarter.

What a shocker! We were stunned.

Same thing has been happening for my Mum in South Africa. Only there to add insult to injury they are also getting planned blackouts that can last for days...

Fbone · 10-19-2012, 03:56 PM

The Wheel: Man's greatest invention until he got behind it.

Bookpossum · 10-19-2012, 09:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

The Wheel: Man's greatest invention until he got behind it.

Here's the culprit!

orlok · 10-20-2012, 07:27 AM

I just saw 9 grim reapers walking down the street drinking beer.

So either it's a Halloween party or somebody's cat just died.

Fbone · 10-20-2012, 02:51 PM

One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store.

10-17-2012, 12:58 AM	#5491
Nexutix with TBR of 500+ !!! Posts: 578 Karma: 8250074 Join Date: Oct 2010 Device: Infibeam Pi, iPod Touch 4G	So... What did the fish say when it ran into a wall? Spoiler: Dam! __________________ Currently reading: Textbooks

10-17-2012, 08:37 PM	#5494
wannabee Professional Amateur Posts: 2,205 Karma: 106855985 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: NSW - Australia Device: a bag of apples	The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: What did I do wrong? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate. 13 Things PMS Stands For: 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweatpants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff...... ..And my favorite one... 13. Potential Murder Suspect Pass this on to your girlfriends who might need a good laugh! Or to men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...chocolate sings. Another giggle... My husband, unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy diamonds. __________________ Mark

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10-17-2012, 07:01 AM	#5492
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 9,354 Karma: 145309131 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Kyoto, Japan Device: Sony 505, Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350	A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think. Stitchawl

10-17-2012, 07:58 PM	#5493
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 9,354 Karma: 145309131 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Kyoto, Japan Device: Sony 505, Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350	HAVING A BAD DAY.......... READ THIS......A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and, with trembling hands, read the letter... "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that's on the kitchen table. Stitchawl

10-17-2012, 09:15 PM	#5495
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	My cousin is a truck driver and while going under a bridge he got his truck stuck. Eventually a cop showed up and said, "Got your truck stuck?" My cousin smiled and replied, "No, I was delivering this overpass and ran out of gas."

10-17-2012, 10:02 PM	#5496
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 4,094 Karma: 57695741 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NJ Device: Searching ...	A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

10-18-2012, 12:03 AM	#5497
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	When we were kids, my cousin and I were fishing when this cop walks up asks, "You boys fishing?" My cousin smiled and replied, "No, we're drowning these here worms."

10-18-2012, 03:27 PM	#5498
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 4,094 Karma: 57695741 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NJ Device: Searching ...	I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire.

10-19-2012, 04:26 AM	#5499
orlok Desperation Posts: 7,157 Karma: 207430420 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Fire HD, Kobo glo	When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.

10-19-2012, 03:56 PM	#5502
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 4,094 Karma: 57695741 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NJ Device: Searching ...	The Wheel: Man's greatest invention until he got behind it.

10-20-2012, 07:27 AM	#5504
orlok Desperation Posts: 7,157 Karma: 207430420 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Fire HD, Kobo glo	I just saw 9 grim reapers walking down the street drinking beer. So either it's a Halloween party or somebody's cat just died.

10-20-2012, 02:51 PM	#5505
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 4,094 Karma: 57695741 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NJ Device: Searching ...	One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store.


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