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Old 09-15-2012, 02:39 PM   #5356
orlok
Getting back into it
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Old 09-15-2012, 06:44 PM   #5357
Stitchawl
Opsimath
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orlok View Post



So, Orlok... what made you decided to give up sex for the rest of your married life?



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Old 09-15-2012, 07:26 PM   #5358
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Is that a sandwich?
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Old 09-16-2012, 01:17 PM   #5359
Fbone
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Old 09-16-2012, 02:57 PM   #5360
orlok
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Elvis, my pet mouse, has just died.

He was caught in a trap.
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Old 09-16-2012, 03:06 PM   #5361
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binomial: homo legentem
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Now I'll be singing that song for hours.
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Old 09-17-2012, 11:49 AM   #5362
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Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
Tony asked, "How much is all this going to cost."
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" asked Tony.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to Tony. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
Tony looked around and nervously asked, "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?"
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
"No gym to work out at?" asked Tony.
"Not unless you want to."
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again."

Tony turned to glare at Yvonne and said, "You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!"
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Old 09-17-2012, 02:18 PM   #5363
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
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Old 09-18-2012, 02:14 AM   #5364
Stitchawl
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Old 09-18-2012, 05:21 PM   #5365
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
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Old 09-19-2012, 06:13 AM   #5366
orlok
Getting back into it
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Got in trouble at the zoo where I work for lining all the squirrels up in order of height...

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Old 09-19-2012, 07:40 AM   #5367
Stitchawl
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nexutix View Post
And the reply was:




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Old 09-19-2012, 12:35 PM   #5368
Hamlet53
Babi Yar
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Old 09-19-2012, 01:14 PM   #5369
HomeInMyShoes
Ginormous Intergalactic
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What do pirates sit on?
Their ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRse!

What happened to the pirate who fell in love with a girl?
They had an ARRrrrrrr rated affair!

What is the one thing a pirate is afraid of?
ARRRmageddon!

Why was the pirate's son a disappointment to his father?
Because when he grew up he did not want to be a pirate... he wanted to be an ARRRRRtist!!!

What did the pirate's daughter get for Christmas?
A BaRRRRRbie!
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Old 09-19-2012, 01:47 PM   #5370
5thWiggle
Benevolent Evil Lord
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September 19th.....

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"


As a child, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.


One pirate said to his fellow crewmate, "Arrrgh, that be a fine looking hook and peg leg ye got for ye'self!"
The pirate replied, "I should think so, it cost me and arm and a leg!"


To err is human.
To ARRR is pirate.


What type of girls do pirates like?
Ayyyye candy!


How do pirates know that they are pirates?
They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!


What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?
Arrr! Me heartie!
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