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Old 09-08-2012, 03:54 PM   #5326
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
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Old 09-09-2012, 06:26 AM   #5327
amward
Wizard
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Fantastic, made me laugh out loud!
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Old 09-11-2012, 02:06 AM   #5328
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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"When we get home," I lectured my three young sons in the backseat of the car, "I want you all to clean your rooms because Uncle Ed is coming over. He's never been to our house before, and I want it to look tidy."
My nine-year-old finally broke a lengthy silence. "But isn't that kind of like lying?"
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Old 09-11-2012, 07:05 AM   #5329
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Snoozing in the sun
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A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store
and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to church with me?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
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Old 09-11-2012, 04:25 PM   #5330
Quake1028
Guru
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OK that one got me.
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Old 09-11-2012, 05:04 PM   #5331
yvanleterrible
When books can fly!
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Originally Posted by Bookpossum View Post

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
Owww! My sides hurt! That took me totally off guard......

Thanks!
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Old 09-11-2012, 07:17 PM   #5332
PeterT
Taking a break; Fed up
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I think I now know why I have never seen a centipede army; would take far too long to polish their boots.
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Old 09-11-2012, 07:21 PM   #5333
red_phoenix
Grand Sorcerer
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I think I now know why I have never seen a centipede army; would take far too long to polish their boots.
They would give the term "foot soldier" a whole new meaning.
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Old 09-11-2012, 07:22 PM   #5334
Bilbo1967
Not scared!
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Very similar joke that I first heard years ago.

No need to tell the whole thing, but it involves a game of soccer between the insects and the mammals. The punch line is something like;

"Why did you only bring the centipede on at half time? He was brilliant."
"He was putting his boots on"
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Old 09-11-2012, 10:48 PM   #5335
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.
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Old 09-11-2012, 11:51 PM   #5336
PeterT
Taking a break; Fed up
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Very similar joke that I first heard years ago.

No need to tell the whole thing, but it involves a game of soccer between the insects and the mammals. The punch line is something like;

"Why did you only bring the centipede on at half time? He was brilliant."
"He was putting his boots on"
A team of mammals were playing a team of insects. The mammals totally dominated the first half and at half-time were leading 39-nil. However, at half-time the insects made a substitution and brought on a centipede.

The centipede scored no less than 180 goals and the insects won the game by miles. In the dressing room afterwards the captain of the mammals was chatting to the insect captain.

"That centipede of yours is terrific," the captain of the mammals said. "Why didn't you play him from the start?"

"We'd have liked to," replied the insect captain, "but it takes him 45 minutes to get his boots on."
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Old 09-12-2012, 07:12 PM   #5337
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
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Old 09-13-2012, 09:15 AM   #5338
Bookpossum
Snoozing in the sun
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There's a know-all in every group:
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Old 09-13-2012, 09:53 PM   #5339
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM: "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."
HER: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
HIM: "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."
HER: "Well, the air bag works."
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Old 09-14-2012, 04:58 AM   #5340
pdurrant
The Grand Mouse
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I literally laughed my head off over this one:


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