Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 344

issybird · 07-14-2012, 06:12 PM

Fbone · 07-15-2012, 02:49 AM

Very funny, issybird.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Lynx-lynx · 07-17-2012, 05:06 AM

How to get to Heaven from Scotland …

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweets to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Yuv got tae be bloody dead"

Lycoming · 07-17-2012, 05:39 AM

Lycoming · 07-17-2012, 05:43 AM

OK, look away now, go read a comic or something....

OK, you can put the comic down now.

Obviously the instructions don't work everywhere.

Lycoming · 07-17-2012, 05:44 AM

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied OK "So now you want me to stay?"

wannabee · 07-17-2012, 06:10 AM

Spoiler:

Fbone · 07-17-2012, 09:23 PM

The shortest books:
1) A guide to Arab democracies
2) Everything men know about women
3) The Amish phone book

Phoebemy · 07-17-2012, 09:41 PM

A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Student: "Would it be possible to install Arabic language support on those computers?" Computer Teacher: "In order to use Arabic language in Windows, you must install an Arabic graphic card. So I dont think we could do that."

wannabee · 07-18-2012, 01:05 AM

The longest book in the world:

Spoiler:

James_Wilde · 07-18-2012, 05:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

The shortest books:
1) A guide to Arab democracies
2) Everything men know about women
3) The Amish phone book

Viking Table Manners
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Different Ways to Spell Bob

Bookpossum · 07-18-2012, 09:08 AM

I don't wish to be a party pooper, but I feel we are getting a bit close to the bone with some of the references to race, nationality, religious practice etc. This is a website for people from round the world and some of these recent items could be hurtful or offensive to some members.

WT Sharpe · 07-18-2012, 10:25 AM

Moderator Notice
Just a friendly reminder that MobileRead is an International family-friendly community. Please keep that in mind when posting.

Posting Guidelines.

steven522 · 07-18-2012, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James_Wilde

Different Ways to Spell Bob

...but you have to admit that one was pretty good.

steven522 · 07-18-2012, 11:22 AM

A conservationist hiking through an old-growth forest comes upon and old hermit cleaning and preparing a spotted owl for his dinner. Appalled, the conservationist explains to the hermit that the owl is considered endangered and should not be killed and eaten.

The hermit states that he has been living in solitude for many, many years and was unaware of the situation. He agrees to no longer kill and eat the owls.

Curious, the conservationist inquires about the taste of the owl.

"Oh," replies the hermit. "It's about halfway between an ivory billed woodpecker and a California condor."

07-17-2012, 05:06 AM	#5148
Lynx-lynx Kiki's in tune Posts: 754 Karma: 11380000 Join Date: May 2012 Location: Australia Device: Blackberry Playbook, Sony 650, Kobo Glo	How to get to Heaven from Scotland … I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered 'No!' I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?" A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv got tae be bloody dead" Last edited by Lynx-lynx; 07-17-2012 at 05:11 AM.

07-17-2012, 05:39 AM	#5149
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	__________________ Some days it ain't worth chewing through the leather straps.

07-17-2012, 05:43 AM	#5150
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	OK, look away now, go read a comic or something.... OK, you can put the comic down now. Obviously the instructions don't work everywhere. __________________ Some days it ain't worth chewing through the leather straps. Last edited by Lycoming; 07-18-2012 at 11:38 AM.

07-17-2012, 05:44 AM	#5151
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered. As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" So I turned around and replied OK "So now you want me to stay?" __________________ Some days it ain't worth chewing through the leather straps.

07-17-2012, 09:41 PM	#5154
Phoebemy Junior Member Posts: 5 Karma: 10 Join Date: Jul 2012 Device: kindle fire	jokes A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Student: "Would it be possible to install Arabic language support on those computers?" Computer Teacher: "In order to use Arabic language in Windows, you must install an Arabic graphic card. So I dont think we could do that." Last edited by Phoebemy; 07-17-2012 at 09:43 PM.

07-14-2012, 06:12 PM	#5146
issybird o saeclum infacetum Posts: 2,107 Karma: 19708976 Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: New England Device: Touch, Nook, 350, 950, Fire

07-15-2012, 02:49 AM	#5147
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 4,101 Karma: 57695741 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NJ Device: Searching ...	Very funny, issybird. There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

07-17-2012, 09:23 PM	#5153
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 4,101 Karma: 57695741 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NJ Device: Searching ...	The shortest books: 1) A guide to Arab democracies 2) Everything men know about women 3) The Amish phone book

07-18-2012, 01:05 AM	#5155
wannabee Professional Amateur Posts: 2,205 Karma: 106855985 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: NSW - Australia Device: a bag of apples	The longest book in the world: Spoiler: __________________ Mark

07-18-2012, 09:08 AM	#5157
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 5,075 Karma: 64461897 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: Kobo Touch (mine), Sony PRS-T1 (husband's)	I don't wish to be a party pooper, but I feel we are getting a bit close to the bone with some of the references to race, nationality, religious practice etc. This is a website for people from round the world and some of these recent items could be hurtful or offensive to some members. __________________ Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. (Garrison Keillor)

07-18-2012, 10:25 AM	#5158
WT Sharpe Grand Muckity-Muck Posts: 26,560 Karma: 70600100 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindles: Paperwhite/K-3/Touch, Sony PRS-600, iPod (audio books), iPad1	Moderator Notice Just a friendly reminder that MobileRead is an International family-friendly community. Please keep that in mind when posting. Posting Guidelines. __________________

07-18-2012, 11:22 AM	#5160
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 795 Karma: 15884126 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	A conservationist hiking through an old-growth forest comes upon and old hermit cleaning and preparing a spotted owl for his dinner. Appalled, the conservationist explains to the hermit that the owl is considered endangered and should not be killed and eaten. The hermit states that he has been living in solitude for many, many years and was unaware of the situation. He agrees to no longer kill and eat the owls. Curious, the conservationist inquires about the taste of the owl. "Oh," replies the hermit. "It's about halfway between an ivory billed woodpecker and a California condor."

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