Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[steven522]

A kid enters a pet shop, walks to the counter and asks, "Hey, mithta, can I buy thum boid theed?"

The clerk looks at the boy and says, "If you can ask again where I can understand you, maybe."

The kid turns and walks out.

The next day, the same kid enters and asks again, "Hey, mithta, can I buy thum boid theed?"

Again the clerk says, "If you can ask where I can understand you."

The kid turns and walks out.

The next day, the same kid enters the store again. He walks up to the clerk and sets a paper bag on the counter.

"Hey, mithta, wanna dead boid?"

[Daithi]

The teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation.

Mary went first. "My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie."

Next came Tommy. "My dad is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r, and if he were here, he'd give each of us a quarter."

Third came Jimmy. "My dad is an electrician.'' But after struggling through a number of attempts to spell the word, the teacher asked him to sit and think about it for a moment while she called on someone else.

She then turned to Johnny. "My dad's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e," Johnny said. "And if he were here, he'd lay you 8 to 5 that Jimmy ain't never gonna spell electrician."

[Fbone]

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

[steven522]

A teacher decided to surprise her class with a special snack one Friday afternoon. The snack was strips of roasted deer meat supplied by a local hunter. After handing each child in the class a sample of the snack, the teacher said, "Now, can anyone in the class guess what this snack is made of?"

After several wrong guesses from the children, the teacher decided to help out with a hint. "It's what your mommy calls your daddy."

Immediately one of the boys jumps up and yells, "Stop eating! It's made out of jackass!"

[Fbone]

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

[Kumabjorn]

Okay so here goes.

What is the difference between a blond and a blonde?

Spoiler:

The blonde has a higher sperm count.

[Lycoming]

Amazing simple home remedies: These really work!!

1. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. To avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat- use the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. [remember to use a timer.]

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives – you’ll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

[Lycoming]

My trip to the store

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

[James_Wilde]

You all did it again: nothing new since I looked last. So I'll have to contribute AGAIN!

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

[issybird]

[Fbone]

There was a girl knocking on my bedroom door all night! Finally, I let her out.

[wannabee]

From Column 8, Sydney Morning Herald today.

''My daughter and son-in-law were talking about what he was up to for the day over breakfast,'' writes Caroline Street, of Walcha. ''My son-in-law has a cattle scanning business and was informing the family of the different properties he was working at that day. He commented that he had cows to scan at Blaxland, then heifers at Yalgoo, and that then he was going to Kilburnie. Their three-year-old son looked his father in the eye and asked 'Why dad? What did Burnie do?'''

[steven522]

My friend from "Nawlens" (New Orleans) has a dog name Fido, but he spells it "Phideaux".

[Stitchawl]

Stitchawl

[steven522]

I heard that a place called "local library" is a good quiet location to take your ereader and read your ebooks.