Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Ajax]

Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches, whips out a gun, and demands their money.

The guys both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin to take out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.

"Hey, here's that twenty I owe you..."

[orlok]

My girlfriend was enjoying her bath when she opened her eyes to see me standing over her.

"Tony," she said, "please pull the plug out for me, will you?"

"No!" I replied.

"Come on," she said, "don't be so silly, just pull the plug out."

"No," I said again.

"Well at least put the toaster down then," she said.

[Stitchawl]

Originally Posted by orlok

..............

"Well at least put the toaster down then," she said.

Stitchawl

[Fbone]

[QUOTE=orlok;2050639

"Well at least put the toaster down then," she said.[/QUOTE]

Very funny




What is OJ's new web site address?

Slash.slash.backslash.escape

[orlok]

These are actual quotes taken from National government employee performance evaluations:


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18.. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26.. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

[Fbone]

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

[pdurrant]

Classic schoolboy joke week? Here's my contribution:

What goes black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and ....?

A penguin rolling downhill.

[Ajax]

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”

[red_phoenix]

Originally Posted by Ajax

Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”

[PeterT]

Originally Posted by pdurrant

Classic schoolboy joke week? Here's my contribution:

Whats Black and White and Red all over?

Spoiler:

A newspaper

[Fbone]

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

[pdurrant]

Originally Posted by Fbone

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

Well, actually, wrapped bread:

[issybird]

Originally Posted by PeterT

Whats Black and White and Red all over?

Spoiler:

A sunburned zebra.

[orlok]

"The Titanic disaster" = "Death, it starts in ice"

[Daithi]

Originally Posted by Ajax

Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches, whips out a gun, and demands their money.

The guys both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin to take out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.

"Hey, here's that twenty I owe you..."

The mugger then points the gun at the man who had just been screwed over by his friend and says, "Loan your friend all the money you have on you."