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Old 04-06-2012, 09:27 PM   #4786
Stitchawl
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."




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Old 04-07-2012, 01:27 AM   #4787
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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don 't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.


The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them, and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around, and waves again, He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and asks, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..........

(You know you could just click off and not
read the punch line....)



(Last chance)


(Are you sure you want to know?)

(OK, here it is)


It says.....

"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."
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Old 04-07-2012, 06:22 AM   #4788
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
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Old 04-07-2012, 07:33 AM   #4789
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dreams View Post
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don 't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.


The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them, and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around, and waves again, He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and asks, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..........

(You know you could just click off and not
read the punch line....)



(Last chance)


(Are you sure you want to know?)

(OK, here it is)


It says.....

"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."
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Old 04-08-2012, 01:36 AM   #4790
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Is that a sandwich?
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We childproofed our home but they are still getting in.
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Old 04-08-2012, 10:18 AM   #4791
maianhvk
whimsy
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Professor explained Marketing to MBA students:

1. You see a gorgeous girl in party, you go to her and say "I am rich, marry me."
That's Direct Marketing.

2. You attend a party and your friend goes to a girl, pointing at you, and tells her, "He's very rich, marry him."
That's Advertising.

3. A girl walks to you and says "You are rich, can u marry me?"
That's Brand Recognition.

4. You say "I'm very rich, marry me," and she slaps you.
That's Customer Feedback.

5. You say "I'm very rich, marry me," then she introduces you to her husband.
That's Demand and Supply Gap.

6. Before you say "I'm rich, marry me," your wife arrives.
That's Restriction from Entering New Market.
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Old 04-08-2012, 07:24 PM   #4792
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The Artist wasn't the film's original title,

It was formerly known as Prince.
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Old 04-08-2012, 10:24 PM   #4793
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HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH YOUR NEW PUPPY
(This is some years out of date in terms of photography, but still funny.)

1. Remove the film from the box and load the camera.

2. Remove the film box from your puppy's mouth and throw it in the rubbish bin.

3. Remove your puppy from the rubbish bin and brush the coffee grounds off his whiskers.

4. Choose a suitable background for the photo.

5. Mount the camera on the tripod and focus.

6. Find your puppy and remove the dirty sock from his mouth.

7. Place your puppy in the pre-focused spot and return to your camera.

8. Forget about the pre-focused spot and crawl around on your hands and knees after your puppy.

9. Hold the camera, focus it with one hand and fend your pup off with the other.

10. Take a tissue and clean the nose prints off the camera lens.

11. Take the flash cube out of your puppy's mouth and throw it in the rubbish bin.

12. Put the cat outside and put Betadine on the scratches on your puppy's nose.

13. Take the Betadine-soaked cotton wool out of your puppy's mouth and despair about the cotton wool that went missing - where could it be and when will you see it again?

14. Try and get your pup's attention by squeaking a toy above your head with your left hand and taking the photo with the camera in your right hand.

15. Replace your glasses on your nose and fall backwards into a chair. Take a long breath ... and as your puppy scrambles on your lap to shower your face with kisses, resolve to ask someone else to take the photo for you!
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Old 04-09-2012, 02:45 AM   #4794
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Is that a sandwich?
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We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
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Old 04-09-2012, 02:30 PM   #4795
wodin
Illiterate
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bookpossum View Post
HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH YOUR NEW PUPPY
(This is some years out of date in terms of photography, but still funny.)

1. Remove the film from the box and load the camera.

2. Remove the film box from your puppy's mouth and throw it in the rubbish bin.

3. Remove your puppy from the rubbish bin and brush the coffee grounds off his whiskers.

4. Choose a suitable background for the photo.

5. Mount the camera on the tripod and focus.

6. Find your puppy and remove the dirty sock from his mouth.

7. Place your puppy in the pre-focused spot and return to your camera.

8. Forget about the pre-focused spot and crawl around on your hands and knees after your puppy.

9. Hold the camera, focus it with one hand and fend your pup off with the other.

10. Take a tissue and clean the nose prints off the camera lens.

11. Take the flash cube out of your puppy's mouth and throw it in the rubbish bin.

12. Put the cat outside and put Betadine on the scratches on your puppy's nose.

13. Take the Betadine-soaked cotton wool out of your puppy's mouth and despair about the cotton wool that went missing - where could it be and when will you see it again?

14. Try and get your pup's attention by squeaking a toy above your head with your left hand and taking the photo with the camera in your right hand.

15. Replace your glasses on your nose and fall backwards into a chair. Take a long breath ... and as your puppy scrambles on your lap to shower your face with kisses, resolve to ask someone else to take the photo for you!
Do puppies have whiskers?
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Old 04-09-2012, 05:58 PM   #4796
Bookpossum
Snoozing in the sun
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Yes, though not so obvious as those of cats. Our Labrador Emma certainly has some. (They show in a close-up photograph I have of her in my photo album of her.)

Last edited by Bookpossum; 04-09-2012 at 06:31 PM.
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Old 04-09-2012, 07:19 PM   #4797
wodin
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Wow,

I didn't think Peanut (our toy poodle) had any, then I thought we get her groomed every six weeks, and the groomer clips her whole face short. She must cut off her whiskers in the process.

Now I feel bad, poodles have to be groomed, and it's pretty hard to clip their face without cutting these inportant sensory organs.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:07 PM   #4798
badgoodDeb
Wizard
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wodin View Post
Wow,

I didn't think Peanut (our toy poodle) had any, then I thought we get her groomed every six weeks, and the groomer clips her whole face short. She must cut off her whiskers in the process.

Now I feel bad, poodles have to be groomed, and it's pretty hard to clip their face without cutting these inportant sensory organs.
My shih tzu grows out the whiskers faster than the rest of the face hair. That's how I know he has a few!
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Old 04-09-2012, 10:53 PM   #4799
Bookpossum
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The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6:00PM each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!

So he called in his research guys and set up a project to come up with a method of determining the time at 6:00PM each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. (The smallest was a giant water clock) "Find a way my staff can determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6 o'clock!", he said, "Cost is no object."

A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at 6 each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6 by the color change, and could get to the meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.

It was then turned over to the marketing group to come up with a name of this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color change", said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the wrist watch." This name was immediately hooted down as being too bland and obvious. Another man suggested it be worn in the navel and could be observed by looking down, therefore it should called the Navel Observatory. This idea was rejected out of hand as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.

Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a Timeband, and in honor of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as 'Alexander's Rag Timeband!'
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Old 04-09-2012, 11:00 PM   #4800
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We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.
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