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Old 01-07-2009, 12:02 PM   #31
zelda_pinwheel
zeldinha zippy zeldissima
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One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

The woman said: "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
The officer replied: "Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment," the woman said in reponse.

So, the Game Warden said: "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL :
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think!
brilliant !! absolutely brilliant !!
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Old 01-07-2009, 12:03 PM   #32
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A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
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Old 01-07-2009, 12:11 PM   #33
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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me, the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
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Old 01-07-2009, 12:23 PM   #34
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Ah, for the love of words...!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the #1 pick:
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**ho**. ( Sorry about the language )
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Old 01-07-2009, 12:31 PM   #35
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Did I ever tell you about my university's nanotechnology department? Alas, it is no more; it was downsized.
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Old 01-07-2009, 12:35 PM   #36
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Okay... one more (for now).

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .
"Go get your mother."
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Old 01-07-2009, 12:36 PM   #37
zelda_pinwheel
zeldinha zippy zeldissima
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Quote:
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Did I ever tell you about my university's nanotechnology department? Alas, it is no more; it was downsized.
aaarg !!! terrible, nate. just terrible.

rebarnmom knows excellent jokes !!
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Old 01-07-2009, 12:52 PM   #38
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Once upon a time a genie put an enormous magic slide in the MR lounge.

The deal was that when you slid down it, you got whatever you wished for.

Pshrynk was first to the top, pushed himself off, shouted 'Moneeeeey' as he descended - and landed in a big tub of cash.

GeoffC was up next, pushed himself off, shouted 'Choccciiiieeee' - and landed in a huge vat of chocolate.

Then Zelda_Pinwheel wandered in, spotted the slide and dashed to the top, she pushed herself off, threw her arms in the air and shouted 'Weeeeee...'.
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Old 01-07-2009, 01:04 PM   #39
zelda_pinwheel
zeldinha zippy zeldissima
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that's revolting sparrow, if i weren't so easygoing i'd be vexed !
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Old 01-07-2009, 04:31 PM   #40
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rebarnmom knows excellent jokes !!
Gosh! I didn't know I could earn so much karma for passing along a few jokes!
Thanks to all for the karma!
I'm glad that you are enjoying them!
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Old 01-08-2009, 12:59 PM   #41
Nate the great
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Question: If moonlight is actually sunlight reflected off the moon, then why doesn't it harm vampires?
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Old 01-08-2009, 01:25 PM   #42
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Question: If moonlight is actually sunlight reflected off the moon, then why doesn't it harm vampires?
Everyone knows vampires can't see reflections!
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Old 01-08-2009, 01:26 PM   #43
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zeldinha zippy zeldissima
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groaann !!!!
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Old 01-08-2009, 02:18 PM   #44
desertgrandma
Enjoying the show....
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(disclaimer....anyone offended by the following........um.....sorry.)


Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?




Beer nuts are a $1.49






Deer nuts are under a buck ba-ba-BOOM!
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Old 01-08-2009, 03:00 PM   #45
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In Las Vegas, churches accept gambling chips.
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.
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