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Old 03-25-2009, 12:20 PM   #196
MickeyC
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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'



The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'

The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.



He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit......
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this
Story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!
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Old 03-25-2009, 12:38 PM   #197
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Two guys were traveling on foot, when of them says:
- Hay, I'm hungry. Let's stop and eat something.
- Me too, let's go near that tree.
- No, let's sit and eat right here.
- In the middle of the road?!
- Trust me.

They made a pic nic in the middle of the road, when a car appeared at hight speed. When the driver saw those two guys in the middle of the road, he turns the car and crashes agains't the tree.

- See? I was right about not eating under that tree.
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Old 03-26-2009, 02:24 PM   #198
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Cowboy at the pearly gates

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her
alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked
him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on
the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'


‘Just a couple of minutes ago...'
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Old 03-26-2009, 05:22 PM   #199
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Old 03-28-2009, 02:52 PM   #200
UncleDuke
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A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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Old 03-28-2009, 02:55 PM   #201
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleDuke View Post
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
That is awesome
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Old 03-28-2009, 03:12 PM   #202
UncleDuke
books & doughnuts
UncleDuke can name that ebook in five wordsUncleDuke can name that ebook in five wordsUncleDuke can name that ebook in five wordsUncleDuke can name that ebook in five wordsUncleDuke can name that ebook in five wordsUncleDuke can name that ebook in five wordsUncleDuke can name that ebook in five wordsUncleDuke can name that ebook in five wordsUncleDuke can name that ebook in five wordsUncleDuke can name that ebook in five wordsUncleDuke can name that ebook in five words
 
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That is awesome
try this then from my 3rd wife:

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer."look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to love , honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever, I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisified.It is now the day of the wedding and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it came time for the groom's vows the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as your both shall live?"THe groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice "yes."The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, " I thought we had a deal."The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
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Old 03-28-2009, 03:36 PM   #203
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleDuke View Post
try this then from my 3rd wife:

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer."look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to love , honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever, I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisified.It is now the day of the wedding and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it came time for the groom's vows the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as your both shall live?"THe groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice "yes."The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, " I thought we had a deal."The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
Is that story from your book of memoirs, UncleDuke?
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Old 03-28-2009, 04:08 PM   #204
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Originally Posted by UncleDuke View Post
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as your both shall live?"THe groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice "yes."
What comes to mind after I read this:

So now I'm praying for the end of time / To hurry up and arrive / 'cause if I got to spend another minute with you I don't think that I can really survive/ I'll never break my promise / Or forget my vow / But God only knows what I can do right now/ I'm praying for the end of time / It's all that I can do! / Praying for the end of time / So I can end my time with you!

BOb

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Old 03-28-2009, 05:18 PM   #205
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pilotbob View Post
What comes to mind after I read this:

So now I'm praying for the end of time / To hurry up and arrive / 'cause if I got to spend another minute with you I don't think that I can really survive/ I'll never break my promise / Or forget my vow / But God only knows what I can do right now/ I'm praying for the end of time / It's all that I can do! / Praying for the end of time / So I can end my time with you!

BOb

How about this: At that critical point in UncleDuke's story, the prospective groom takes a deep breath, stands up straight and says firmly: "Not a farkin' chance in your wildest dreams lady." Then turns to the guests and says, "If any of you single blokes out there care to come forward in my stead and take this lady's hand in holy contract, sacrifice your manhood at this here alter, and walk with your tail between your legs for as long as you both shall live, then get your emasculated butt up here and say "I DO," 'cause "I Don't," and leave her sorry self standing right there with the double-crossing preacher and an empty space where her ever-lovin' just vacated. Just as you're about to walk through those heavily carved church doors to the freedom outside, you turn and say, "Enjoy the reception everyone. It's sure to be a blast. And I'm sorry, but due to unforseen circumstances, I'll be unable to attend. Feel free to carry on without me."

Or . . . Maybe he just should have bid higher, the cheapskate. Men just don't know how to shop.
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Old 03-28-2009, 06:03 PM   #206
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Men just don't know how to shop.
Yes... women can SAVE you money buying shit. (Gallager, I think)

BOb
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Old 03-28-2009, 11:56 PM   #207
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I've heard that one before, it always makes me chuckle
I hadn't heard it, and I genuinely laughed out loud. The cats are looking at me funny, now.
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Old 03-30-2009, 11:35 AM   #208
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Originally Posted by cassidym;
Moral of this
Story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!
I class that as Ageist!! (When I stopped laughing that was)
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Old 04-01-2009, 12:51 PM   #209
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Because I'm a friendly person I like to add guten to the tags of the German language threads. (Think about it.)
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Old 04-01-2009, 12:52 PM   #210
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Because I'm a friendly person I like to add guten to the tags of the German language threads. (Think about it.)
aaaarrrg !!!!!!
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