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Old 06-18-2008, 09:29 AM   #1
DixieGal
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One for the Southerners

I know, totally inappropriate for a website devoted to books, but we need a tension-breaker:

As someone who drives regularly on all four of the roads mentioned below and drives in rush hour traffic to town every day, I find this to be especially true. :->
>
>
> Subject: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
>
> I thought this was so funny and so true!!
>
> VISITOR'S GUIDE TO BIRMINGHAM ( Alabama )
>
>
> First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It's 'Bur/min/ham'.
>
> Driving Information: Burmin'ham has its own version of traffic
> rules...
>
> 1. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The
> truck with the biggest tires goes after that.
> (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right-of-way anytime.)
>
> 2. To find anything in the city it is required that you know where
> Malfunction Junction is... which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning
> and the end. It is one of only two 'cloverleaf' formation interchanges
> in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough
> to implement it again - Atlanta- making them dumber than we are.
>
> 3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00 AM. The evening rush
> hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 PM. Fr iday's rush hour starts Thursday
> morning a runs thru Saturday Noon. If the term 'merging delays' is
> ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call
> in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes late
> regardless of where you are in your commute.
>
> 4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very
> least) rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
> This applies to male and female drivers alike.
>
> 5. You must know that 'I-459', ' I-59', 'I-20', and 'I-65' are the
> same road they just loop around the city. We think this was a ploy to
> confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern
> Aggression.
>
> 6. Always, always, always, find out if it is a race weekend before you
> get on any of these 'roads' to travel somewhere. If it is a race
> weekend, stay home or go to the races. You won't be going anywhere
> else.
>
> 7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Burmin'ham.
> The barrels are moved around in the m i ddle of the night to make the
> next day's driving bit more exciting.
>
> 8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs,
> barrels, cones, cows, horses, potholes, cats, armadillos, pieces of
> other cars, opossum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and
> crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.
>
> 9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
> shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally
> activated'...
>
> 10. The minimum acceptable speed on 'I-65' (see item 5 above) is 85
> mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Alabama 's
> State Highway sponsored version of NASCAR, especially during rush hour
> (see item 3 above) when it's 85 and everyone in the city is driving at
> once, bumper to bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70
> in a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be treated
> accordingly...
>
> 11. Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in tra ff ic who is
> applying make up, talking on a cell phone, drinking a Diet Coke,
> smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65
> in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from North of Burmin'ham, she
> might be packing. If she coming from South of Burmin'ham, she IS
> packing and is not afraid to use it.
>
>
> Weather Information:
>
> 1. If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend
>
> 2. If its 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out,
> Burmin'ham residents consider this 'demolition derby' day and will be
> all over the roads (front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with
> caution, as you could be their next target.
>
>
> Seasonal Information:
>
> 1. If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.
>
>
> 2. If you need to let the car 'get some air' by standing next to it
> with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body
> inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.
>
> 3. If you are swe ating even with the windows down, driving
> 55 mph, it is Fall.
>
> 4. If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is
> Winter.
>
>
> General Information: (and this is very important)
>
> 1. Do not ever speak to anyone during the song ' Sweet Home Alabama
> unless it is to sing along with the lyrics.
> This is like the State Song and will erupt in a brawl if everyone
> doesn't show 'proper respect' to the band who gave us 'Free Bird'.
> This is especially true if alcohol is present. Notice I didn't say
> 'sold at this event' but present.
>
> 2. Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city.
> It's not that funny to us anymore.
>
> 3. If you ask someone for a 'coke', they will immediately ask you what
> kind'? This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite,
> Dr.Pepper, Root Beer, etc....it's all 'coke'.
>
> 4. All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you have crossed the Mason
> Dixon Line and are in the North.
>
> Y'all come back now, y a he ar! !!
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Old 06-18-2008, 10:41 AM   #2
BookishDreamer
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I've never traveled to your fair city, but just decided that if I ever do, I'm not driving. I'm hiring a native driver to navigate the madness.

Malfunction Junction sounds as bad as Spaghetti Junction in Atlanta. Thank goodness I don't go there very often.

Dreamer
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Old 06-18-2008, 10:47 AM   #3
DixieGal
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BookishDreamer View Post
Malfunction Junction sounds as bad as Spaghetti Junction in Atlanta. Thank goodness I don't go there very often.

Dreamer

LOL! Same diff, except at Malfunction Junction, they're not afraid to die. Or murder! Remember a couple of years ago when these 2 gals started road raging, pulled off the side of I-65 right before the Junction in order to continue the fight, and the one pulled out a gun and killed the other for cutting in front of her? Never never ever make eye contact with the person in the next car!
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Old 06-18-2008, 12:01 PM   #4
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I visited Burmin'ham in the 80's when my sister lived there. I enjoyed it very much. You live in a wonderful city DixieGal.
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Old 06-19-2008, 08:06 PM   #5
BookishDreamer
Cultural Artist
BookishDreamer can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterBookishDreamer can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterBookishDreamer can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterBookishDreamer can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterBookishDreamer can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterBookishDreamer can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterBookishDreamer can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterBookishDreamer can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterBookishDreamer can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterBookishDreamer can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterBookishDreamer can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameter
 
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Hey DixieGal!

Found this in Wikipedia....
"A future interchange with Interstate 65 and (future) Interstate 22 in Birmingham, Alabama. The interchange is expected to have 14 bridges, cost $143 million, and be the largest interchange in the U.S. State of Alabama. This interchange is being constructed no less than 2 miles north of the current busiest interchange in Alabama, between Interstate 65 and 20/59 — itself known by the nickname Malfunction Junction."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spaghetti_Junction

Is that right? Malfunction Junction is getting a sibling?

Dreamer
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Old 06-19-2008, 08:19 PM   #6
RickyMaveety
Holy S**T!!!
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Malfunction Junction,
What's your function?
Screwin' with drivers
and truckers and bikers

(just imagine that I'm singing a bit off key)
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