Register Guidelines E-Books Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Go Back   MobileRead Forums > E-Book General > Writers' Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-11-2011, 12:09 PM   #1021
Vandy
...always be humble.
Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Vandy's Avatar
 
Posts: 115
Karma: 505917
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Durham, NC USA
Device: iPhone 4 (3G), iPod Touch 3rd Gen, Kindle 3 WiFi, Kindle Fire
Nice, Caleb

Hi, Caleb.

Your Untitled is very nice and I'm sure a wonderful present for your wife.

Your word imagery is great -- I especially like the "As I fall into you, one drop at a time" couplet. Beautiful.

If I may offer some advice and I hope I am not "stepping on your toes", I think the second stanza would read better something like this:

"See me let go
And fly like an eagle.
The higher I soar
The longer I'm with you...

One day at a time."

Just my thoughts. I really enjoyed this and thank you very much for sharing.

Regards,
Vandy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2011, 08:48 PM   #1022
TrineDaely
Connoisseur
TrineDaely ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.TrineDaely ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.TrineDaely ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.TrineDaely ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.TrineDaely ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.TrineDaely ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.TrineDaely ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.TrineDaely ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.TrineDaely ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.TrineDaely ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.TrineDaely ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
TrineDaely's Avatar
 
Posts: 54
Karma: 601022
Join Date: Apr 2011
Device: Kindle 3
Okay, I'll toss one of my shorter ones out there. All copyright applies, blah blah boilerplate, you know the drill, yes it's from my book. Hope y'all don't bite too hard.
*takes a deep breath and makes a "toss the bait way out there" motion*


HOUR OF THE STRANGER

And lo! behold the midnight hour
where rises the melancholy moon
And doth shine forth with all her power
above the dismal, misty gloom

The clouds below, they fold like cards
that of which being catatonic
The light bleeds shadows, like cuts from shards
as if someone had sat upon it

Above the heavens, little beads of light
as they shine in their distant, starry abode
Sending out in their code, their freedom's delight
to the lone stranger watching from the road.

Last edited by TrineDaely; 04-24-2011 at 08:49 PM. Reason: clarification
TrineDaely is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2011, 08:52 PM   #1023
kennyc
The Dank Side of the Moon
kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
kennyc's Avatar
 
Posts: 31,510
Karma: 61688757
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Denver, CO
Device: Kindle2; Galaxy SIII; Xoom; Kindle Fire
Well done!
kennyc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2011, 12:54 AM   #1024
GeoffC
Chocolate Grasshopper ...
GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
GeoffC's Avatar
 
Posts: 26,896
Karma: 16968764
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Scotland
Device: Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW
Nicely done - I stumble a little on the second stanza, but the imagery is good. Thanks for sharing.
GeoffC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2011, 04:09 AM   #1025
GeoffC
Chocolate Grasshopper ...
GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
GeoffC's Avatar
 
Posts: 26,896
Karma: 16968764
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Scotland
Device: Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW
Turbines Without Power

turbines tread the land and sail upon the sea;
the air becalmed,
no breeze to shift and turn the blades on high,
no surge of life to speed along the lines

the nights are cold, the snow is fresh and deep;
the air is calm,
no breeze to turn the hungry sails of power
to melt the ice that forms upon the panes

the days are hot, the sun shines without her shade;
the wind becalmed,
no breeze exists to move the iv’ry twists
and cool the masses slaving at their desks

there’s no power to surge along the lines;
the wind is calm,
no breeze to shift the blades, and drive this day
the spinning of the coils for industry

the toast is on, the kettle too, and lunch is set for twelve;
but idle is the air this day, me thinks the dish be raw.

Business men and women, impatient as they wait;
but where be the wind this day, me thinks they wait in vain.

there’s no wind out there this day
let’s hope the morrow will bring a change
or at least in the weeks to come.
GeoffC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2011, 05:10 AM   #1026
caleb72
Indie Advocate
caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
caleb72's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,687
Karma: 14475697
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Device: Kindle
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vandy View Post
If I may offer some advice and I hope I am not "stepping on your toes", I think the second stanza would read better something like this:

"See me let go
And fly like an eagle.
The higher I soar
The longer I'm with you...

One day at a time."

Just my thoughts. I really enjoyed this and thank you very much for sharing.

Regards,
No problem.

Actually my toes are vulnerable at the moment because I've been barefoot inside all day and the house is cold - unheated. So stepping on my toes at the moment would be rather painful.

Regards
Caleb
caleb72 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2011, 07:34 AM   #1027
kennyc
The Dank Side of the Moon
kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
kennyc's Avatar
 
Posts: 31,510
Karma: 61688757
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Denver, CO
Device: Kindle2; Galaxy SIII; Xoom; Kindle Fire
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffC View Post
Turbines Without Power

turbines tread the land and sail upon the sea;
the air becalmed,
no breeze to shift and turn the blades on high,
no surge of life to speed along the lines

the nights are cold, the snow is fresh and deep;
the air is calm,
no breeze to turn the hungry sails of power
to melt the ice that forms upon the panes

the days are hot, the sun shines without her shade;
the wind becalmed,
no breeze exists to move the iv’ry twists
and cool the masses slaving at their desks

there’s no power to surge along the lines;
the wind is calm,
no breeze to shift the blades, and drive this day
the spinning of the coils for industry

the toast is on, the kettle too, and lunch is set for twelve;
but idle is the air this day, me thinks the dish be raw.

Business men and women, impatient as they wait;
but where be the wind this day, me thinks they wait in vain.

there’s no wind out there this day
let’s hope the morrow will bring a change
or at least in the weeks to come.




Farmers of winds, we are beckon slaves to natures whims whether by choice or chance.
kennyc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2011, 04:00 PM   #1028
Vandy
...always be humble.
Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Vandy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Vandy's Avatar
 
Posts: 115
Karma: 505917
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Durham, NC USA
Device: iPhone 4 (3G), iPod Touch 3rd Gen, Kindle 3 WiFi, Kindle Fire
Feedback...

Hello, All.

@TrineDaely Hour of the Stranger

I've got to be honest with you, I read the first line of this poem and you had me -- hook, line and sinker!

What absolutely GORGEOUS word imagery you've used. The words drip from my ears and make a sweet taste in my mouth. OOOOoooooo!! I got goosebumples reading your piece.l Absolutely excellent and a wonderful poem!


@GeoffC Turbines Without Power

Hmmm... Your piece certainly gets across its point but it was a rough read for me. I found it to be a bit disjointed, although; I did enjoy the layout and repeatative pattern of the first four stanzas.

A very interesting premise, I must say...


Regards,

Vandy
Vandy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-26-2011, 06:14 AM   #1029
crich70
Grand Sorcerer
crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
crich70's Avatar
 
Posts: 6,049
Karma: 20732191
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Monroe Wisconsin
Device: K3, Kindle Paperwhite, Calibre, and Mobipocket for Pc (netbook)
I wrote this one quite a while back.

THE HORN

In fairy lands of long ago,
a horn did blow, both long and low.

The horn of battle it was called,
to rouse the soldiers of the elvish king.

It through hill and dell did ring,
over mountain tall and valley deep.

As over the land foul evil creeped.
It called to arms the forces of good.

From water, fire, earth and wood,
came they all to the battle ground.

Came to whield the sword and pound the ground,
with their war horses fair.

For days and nights they did fight,
applying all their god like might.

Staining the ground with their fairest blood,
to stem the tide of evil's flood.

Til finally the invader was driven back,
to the nothingingness from whence it came.

They have now gone, but will return,
if the land again shall burn.

Last edited by crich70; 04-26-2011 at 06:16 AM.
crich70 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-26-2011, 06:39 AM   #1030
kennyc
The Dank Side of the Moon
kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.kennyc ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
kennyc's Avatar
 
Posts: 31,510
Karma: 61688757
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Denver, CO
Device: Kindle2; Galaxy SIII; Xoom; Kindle Fire
Well done!
kennyc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-26-2011, 08:04 AM   #1031
crich70
Grand Sorcerer
crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
crich70's Avatar
 
Posts: 6,049
Karma: 20732191
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Monroe Wisconsin
Device: K3, Kindle Paperwhite, Calibre, and Mobipocket for Pc (netbook)
Thanks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kennyc View Post
Well done!
crich70 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-26-2011, 11:45 AM   #1032
GeoffC
Chocolate Grasshopper ...
GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GeoffC ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
GeoffC's Avatar
 
Posts: 26,896
Karma: 16968764
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Scotland
Device: Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW
crich

Nicely done ....
GeoffC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-26-2011, 10:34 PM   #1033
crich70
Grand Sorcerer
crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
crich70's Avatar
 
Posts: 6,049
Karma: 20732191
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Monroe Wisconsin
Device: K3, Kindle Paperwhite, Calibre, and Mobipocket for Pc (netbook)
Thanks GeoffC. I've thought of expanding it to something longer in the past but have never quite gotten round to figuring out any details.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffC View Post
crich

Nicely done ....
crich70 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2011, 05:16 AM   #1034
caleb72
Indie Advocate
caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.caleb72 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
caleb72's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,687
Karma: 14475697
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Device: Kindle
Cool@crich70.

I wouldn't mind trying my hand at epic poetry. Actually I might have just made that term up but I'm thinking of the poetry which is really a ballad or story. I think I might have a first attempt somewhere at home. I'll see if I can dig it up.
caleb72 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2011, 05:51 AM   #1035
crich70
Grand Sorcerer
crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.crich70 ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
crich70's Avatar
 
Posts: 6,049
Karma: 20732191
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Monroe Wisconsin
Device: K3, Kindle Paperwhite, Calibre, and Mobipocket for Pc (netbook)
Thanks caleb72. Actually the idea of Epic Poetry goes way back in history. The Epic of Gilgamesh is epic poetry for example. Wikipedia defines it as
Quote:
a lengthy narrative poem, ordinarily concerning a serious subject containing details of heroic deeds and events significant to a culture or nation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by caleb72 View Post
Cool@crich70.

I wouldn't mind trying my hand at epic poetry. Actually I might have just made that term up but I'm thinking of the poetry which is really a ballad or story. I think I might have a first attempt somewhere at home. I'll see if I can dig it up.
crich70 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
poetry, squirrelku

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Poetry Tuesday? Stitchawl Lounge 5 10-06-2009 07:46 AM
Got POETRY? Dr. Drib Writers' Corner 36 04-02-2009 11:18 AM
Poetry recommendations? ficbot Reading Recommendations 1 03-14-2009 12:19 PM
Unutterably Silly Not User Poetry Dr. Drib Lounge 7 11-16-2008 12:57 PM
Poetry by committee GeoffC Lounge 34 06-06-2008 07:13 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:01 AM.


MobileRead.com is a privately owned, operated and funded community.