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Old 08-21-2012, 09:14 PM   #1
VydorScope
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Need Romance Type Help :D

Several of my readers are regulars here so I will wrap this question in spoiler tags, and let that be a warning before they read out of respect.


Spoiler:


Okay so in the sci fi story I am currently writing there is a couple who we will call Sarah and Mike for sake of not dumping out any spoilers. Mike and Sarah have been growing closer together over the last few years in the story line. They both serve in the navy during a time of active military operations. While deployed they get into a fire fight with a bad guy, lets call him Jay, and Jay scores a near fatal blow to Sarah, while Mike watches just out of reach of helping. Jay gets away, but that is not important to this question. Mike carries Sarah back to the doctors and they treat her, but she is in a coma. She is in a coma for a few days (not hammered in time on that yet, but that kind of ball park) and wakes up.

Mike was not there when Sarah woke up, because he was at his post, but the doctors call him and he rushes to see her (with proper permission and all that). That is a really long setup, but the book is about 60k words so far, so its really short compared to that. Anyways, I am trying to work out how the first moments of the reunion should be described. While do not write romance novels, but there is a romantic sub plot between these two. Sort of a forbidden love kind of one, since neither of them admits it, but others see it.


So far I have...(total extreme rough draft, so yes there are sure to be grammar/etc issues)

When I entered sickbay, Sarah was sitting up and sipping on a cup of water. That brought a huge smile to my face, due in part to the fact that I knew only Sue could get her to drink anything but that odd smelly herbal concoction she loved.
“Sarah!” I called out as I ran to her.
“Mike!” she responded with glee.
“How are you feeling?” I asked after a nice long hug.
“Oh, fine. A bit drained is all,” she said.
I do not know, it just does not seem to work. Maybe its just the "nice long hug" but it feels a bit to clinical. Any suggestions? Thanks!

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Old 08-21-2012, 09:38 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VydorScope View Post

When I entered sickbay, Sarah was sitting up and sipping on a cup of water.
I smiled. Thank god she was awake again.

“Sarah!” I rushed over to her, ignoring the beeping of the medical equipment still attached to her.

“Mike!” She smiled. The whole world was suddenly lighter.

I grabbed her in a hug, aware of the fragility of the bones under my hands, but unable to let her go. She had come so close to death, I couldn't bear to release her just yet. How had I never known how much she meant to me?

Finally, I forced myself to gentle my grip and move back. "How are you feeling?” I asked.

“Oh, fine. A bit drained is all,” she said. But I could see the pallor of her skin and the shadows under her dark eyes.

[/SPOILER]
I put in a bit of emotional IM and took out the line about the herbal tea. In an emotional scene like this, no one cares about Sue.

Last edited by EileenG; 08-21-2012 at 09:41 PM.
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Old 08-22-2012, 04:52 PM   #3
Nancy Fulda
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>>“Sarah!” I called out as I ran to her.
>>“Mike!” she responded with glee.

Although it's very likely that two real people would respond to this situation by calling each others' names, it tends to read melodramatically, especially when coupled with one person running across the room. In this case, the cliche nature of the exchange is amplified by the repetitive sentence structure (vocal outburst followed by brief action tag).

I like Eileen's revisions, particularly because she's paired one of the name-utterances with a long descriptive sentence while matching the other one with two short, crisp sentences.

I suspect that the "nice, long hug" line is bothering you because 'nice', 'long' and 'hug' are all fairly generic terms. You might try experimenting with different adjectives. A 'lingering hug' or a 'long embrace' might convey a stronger emotional undertone.
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Old 08-22-2012, 08:29 PM   #4
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THANKS y'all... based on your input I came up with :


(Mike does not believe in God, and Sarah is not human, so needed some tweaking... )

When I entered sickbay, Sarah was sitting up and sipping on a cup of water. Seeing her awake brought smile to my face and a lightness to my step.

“Sarah!” I rushed to her ignoring the medical equipment all around her.

“Mike!” Her fury face suddenly lit up with a smile that caused my heart to quicken.

I pulled her into my arms, and held her body tight against mine. Nothing else mattered in the whole universe right then. Sarah was alive! Her slight moan of pain reminded me that I needed to be gentle. As I eased her back I gazed in to her big green eyes and asked, “How are you doing?”

“Oh, fine. A bit drained is all.” Her face betrayed how tired she really was, but she would never let on.

I still have the "he said/she said" habit to break. Grrr. Probably still needs grammar/smoothness tweaking, but for a first cut I think its far superior to what I had. I probably should add some romance to my reading since I have several romantic sub plots.
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Old 08-22-2012, 08:31 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EileenG View Post
I put in a bit of emotional IM and took out the line about the herbal tea. In an emotional scene like this, no one cares about Sue.
Your comment about "Sue" (random doctor name) was a bit of a.. "DOH!" thought for me. I was so busy trying to remember the scene and who was in it, I forgot to look through "Mike's" eyes and see what he would see.
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Old 08-23-2012, 03:04 PM   #6
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I can't see into VydorScope's spoiler box in #1 probably because of my browser, so I will work with the other contributions and Vydor's later statement in #4

First it was interesting to see the difference between
Vydor's writing and EileenG's. Nancy had too little to form an opinion on.

Second, one thing in particular about #4 bothered me.

Lose the "suddenly."
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:20 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frahse View Post
I can't see into VydorScope's spoiler box in #1 probably because of my browser, so I will work with the other contributions and Vydor's later statement in #4

First it was interesting to see the difference between
Vydor's writing and EileenG's. Nancy had too little to form an opinion on.

Second, one thing in particular about #4 bothered me.

Lose the "suddenly."

Hmm, okay! I will.
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