Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 441

Fbone · 06-05-2013, 03:09 PM

“Hi, would you like a table?”

“No, not at all. Carpet for 5 please.”

Fbone · 06-06-2013, 04:11 PM

That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.

Fbone · 06-07-2013, 03:23 PM

My ceiling fan has 3 speeds 1) Barely moving. 2) Kinda feels like it’s working. 3) Is going to fly off the ceiling and kill someone.

LazyScot · 06-07-2013, 04:27 PM

Carpet: dog in an automobile.

Bookpossum · 06-07-2013, 10:11 PM

Some of those "Why teachers drink" quotes, supposedly from exam papers:

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q... Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

samhy · 06-08-2013, 04:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookpossum

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Somehow this one is kind of cute, sticky but cute

Edit: sorry Bookpossum I can't give you karma for this one right know, but I really wanted to.

WT Sharpe · 06-08-2013, 06:21 AM

This one made me stop and laugh:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookpossum

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

pdurrant · 06-08-2013, 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookpossum

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

This one seems 100% accurate.

Bookpossum · 06-08-2013, 08:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by samhy

Somehow this one is kind of cute, sticky but cute

Edit: sorry Bookpossum I can't give you karma for this one right know, but I really wanted to.

It's the thought that counts! Thanks anyway.

orlok · 06-08-2013, 12:50 PM

I'd love to think that they are all real kids' quotes, but some seem a little too convenient...

A couple of examples:

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (based on the Fairy washing-up liquid ad)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Funny, though.

Fbone · 06-08-2013, 01:21 PM

I know alcohol isn’t the answer, but it’s my best guess.

poohbear_nc · 06-08-2013, 07:45 PM

I actually saw this on Friday night's Jeopardy episode:

A: Name of the British general that was in charge of all land forces on D-Day.

Q: Who is Rommel?

I kid you not .....

WT Sharpe · 06-09-2013, 01:05 AM

The late Richard Brautigan wrote a great poem about Rommel called "Rommel Drives on Deep into Egypt." I first heard of it from an English professor I had in college who liked to shock his classes from time to time with such things. It's rather tame by today's standards, and I'd quote all six lines of that brief poem were I not concerned about possible copyright infringement, but if you're interested, the entire poem can be read at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rommel_...eep_into_Egypt.

cromag · 06-09-2013, 04:40 AM

Funny, I never really thought that poem was about Rommel.

I was never much of one for sports, which is why my Dad was (briefly) surprised, way back when, that I was reading Brautigan's Trout Fishing in America. (Which had little to do with fishing.)

Fbone · 06-09-2013, 04:29 PM

Take my advice. When a girl says “Do whatever you want,” do NOT do whatever you want.

06-09-2013, 04:40 AM	#6614
cromag Surfin the alpha waves ~~ Posts: 24,293 Karma: 459220161 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New Jersey Device: Jetbook Lite & Mini, Nook STR, Kobo, Hanvon N516, Kindle 2, Androids	Funny, I never really thought that poem was about Rommel. I was never much of one for sports, which is why my Dad was (briefly) surprised, way back when, that I was reading Brautigan's Trout Fishing in America. (Which had little to do with fishing.) Last edited by cromag; 06-09-2013 at 04:42 AM. Reason: Formatting

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06-05-2013, 03:09 PM	#6601
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	“Hi, would you like a table?” “No, not at all. Carpet for 5 please.”

06-06-2013, 04:11 PM	#6602
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.

06-07-2013, 03:23 PM	#6603
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My ceiling fan has 3 speeds 1) Barely moving. 2) Kinda feels like it’s working. 3) Is going to fly off the ceiling and kill someone.

06-07-2013, 04:27 PM	#6604
LazyScot DSil Posts: 3,201 Karma: 6895096 Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Hants, UK Device: Kindle, Cybook	Carpet: dog in an automobile.

06-07-2013, 10:11 PM	#6605
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,137 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	Some of those "Why teachers drink" quotes, supposedly from exam papers: Q. Name the four seasons. A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q. How is dew formed? A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q. What causes the tides in the oceans? A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed. Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q.. What happens to your body as you age? A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature death. Q. What is artificial insemination? A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U. Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie. Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby. Q. What is the most common form of birth control? A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q... Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'. A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas. Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

06-08-2013, 12:50 PM	#6610
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	I'd love to think that they are all real kids' quotes, but some seem a little too convenient... A couple of examples: Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (based on the Fairy washing-up liquid ad) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Funny, though.

06-08-2013, 01:21 PM	#6611
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I know alcohol isn’t the answer, but it’s my best guess.

06-08-2013, 07:45 PM	#6612
poohbear_nc Now what? Posts: 58,846 Karma: 135181808 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Durham, NC Device: Every Kindle Ever Made & To Be Made!	I actually saw this on Friday night's Jeopardy episode: A: Name of the British general that was in charge of all land forces on D-Day. Q: Who is Rommel? I kid you not .....

06-09-2013, 01:05 AM	#6613
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,073 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	The late Richard Brautigan wrote a great poem about Rommel called "Rommel Drives on Deep into Egypt." I first heard of it from an English professor I had in college who liked to shock his classes from time to time with such things. It's rather tame by today's standards, and I'd quote all six lines of that brief poem were I not concerned about possible copyright infringement, but if you're interested, the entire poem can be read at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rommel_...eep_into_Egypt.

06-09-2013, 04:29 PM	#6615
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Take my advice. When a girl says “Do whatever you want,” do NOT do whatever you want.