Wise MR friends, I need your wisdom about making peace with crazy families...

[ficbot]

I don't usually post personal stuff on this forum, but I have had a bad day and I know this board is full of intelligent, well-read people who will bring me back down to earth on this The short version is, I have come to accept that my Dad's family is just not good for me. I grew up primarily with my mom and take after her in a lot of ways. She has a very open family. If somebody says or does something that bugs somebody else, they say 'that bugged me' and the other person says 'sorry' and it's done and we all move on with our lives. Dad's family doesn't do this. His family is very dysfunctional, full of feuds (some known to all participants, some harboured secretly over many years) and schisms (one sister controls each brother; if the Debbie faction is having an event, the Lisa faction is not invited and vice versa) and just plain old grudges.

My half-sister is a chip off the old block, and a recent minor thing (which was completely none of her business and which was resolved among the two people whose business it actually was within a day of happening) has set her off again, and after four days of ranting emails from her about how completely unwilling she is to have a relationship with me unless I apologize, again, and with greater sincerity, for things she thinks I did to other people dating back ten years etc. I have realized that having a healthy relationship with her just isn't going to happen. I have made sincere attempts to make things right with her. She just isn't playing ball here. And when she recently crossed a line and told me that perhaps I should stay away from 'the family' for awhile, I insisted she tell my father, and to my dismay (I had expected it but sort of hoped for better) he did not completely back me up on this.

Part of me rationally understands that some people are just drama people, that she maybe has some issues going on which are not completely about me here, and that sad though it might be that we could not come to some sort of peace on this, it's not a reflection on me as a person. I'm not even saying she is a bad person either. She has her own damage from his crazy family, and my parents are so different and I am coming from such a different place on this that I may as well have been raised in Kazakhstan by polar bears as far as speaking her language is concerned. The bottom line for me now though is, I am no longer willing to submit myself to her drama and am bowing out of this for the time being. She, and to a lesser extent, Dad, will get Facebook messages on their birthdays and holidays because it's the right thing to do, but for anything else, they know where to find me if they want to talk and I am going to stop sticking my neck out to have it bitten yet again

I'm just really sad about this and having trouble making peace with the whole thing. My rational brain is saying all these sensible things about how I did my best, about how she has something else going on with her etc. that isn't my fault and maybe she'll come around someday but if she doesn't, I handled this by taking the high road etc. But it hurts that my dad has proven once again that I am the last priority in his life, and it hurts too that even though my sister has been a total brat about this, that we couldn't come to any sort of mutual peace on this because family IS really important to me (my mom's family is really close-knit and I love them all) and I wish I could have had that with her. And yeah, it bugs me that she doesn't *like* me because I really don't think I am such a terrible person

Has anyone been in this kind of situation before? Do you have any words of wisdom to help me make peace with the kind of sad ending to this whole thing? I know I am doing the right thing by laying low and keeping my distance, at least for now. But I am really sad that it came to this point and really having trouble reconciling myself to the reality that these people may be family but they just are not that healthy for me.

[desertgrandma]

I call them "toxic people". Heard that somewhere, can't remember where, and it doesn't matter if they are blood or by marriage.....

You'll never change them or their minds or thinking.

They, on the other had, can have an enormous negative effect on your life, and thinking, and emotional health.

Took many years, but I cut my losses and am a happier person for it. I grieved, for a while, over "lost relationships", but my family comes first.

You can choose which set of values you want yourself and family exposed to. Those who have supported and been there for you, or those who haven't.

"Words of Wisdom? Nah.......you asked, I'm just sayin'.

[Gideon]

What she said. It's always sad when this happens but... that's kind of the case. My girlfriend's family is like this... terribly for her mental health. They are just terrible, awful people and they make her life a living hell.

She finally cut them off.. and while it was hard, she was better off for it.

Make amends when you can, and family is important... but you and YOUR own family is also important and some people really are just poison. Part of my own family is like this too... most of my generation doesn't have much to do with them for that reason, but my parents do and it is no end of trouble for them.

[Ceili]

I'd avoid them like the plague, since that's pretty much the effect they have on your life.

While you will probably never change your dad's mind/ways (after all, he's had to listen to her/them all this time as well) you might try to make a pact with him... see him on Your terms, away from them if you can. If you still want to see him, but can't see him away from them, just ignore them... make like there are gnats in the room... irritating, but hardly life altering, and let it go. (the benefit of this is... it'll might just drive them crazy ;p)

In the end, it is up to you to decide what you are willing to put up with, what you will allow yourself to be subjected to... don't risk your mental health by dealing with toxic folks and try not to become one either!

[nohmi2]

As a few posts here have mentioned, some people are *toxic* and are also emotional vampires. I mean that literally: they can leave one emotionally drained, and their chief weapon is *guilt*.

It would seem that you have done what you can to heal the breach, but there are members who are are actually *feeding off* of the negative emotions. This is their staple diet it would appear.

Place more value on yourself and your loved ones, and let the other side of the family convince you that they are worthy of consideration.

In other words lovey, don't try so hard. As the saying goes 'Been there, done that and have the T-shirt to prove it'. It is only when you refuse to play the game that you are able to be strong.

As another saying goes..'I'm just sayin'.

[ficbot]

Thanks, everyone. I really have reached the point where I feel I am letting her bully me. Every time I do try and set some sort of boundary, it just adds fuel to the fire. For example, she can bring up minor incidents from 15 years ago for which I have already apologized, and it's 'showing me the error of my ways so I can repent' but if I say something like 'If you don't want me talking to T [my older full sister, who I am closer to] then don't you talk about this to N [my younger half-brother, who she is closer to' then this is me 'keeping score' which is a cardinal sin. It has progressed beyond the point where we can even have a sensible conversation about anything, and any response from me beyond 'you're right, I'm sorry' is met with rants that I am not trying hard enough and am not sincere in my efforts. Why put myself through that anymore?

It just bugs me most of all that this whole thing has me doubting myself sometimes. I called my mom in tears about it, and she pointed out, not without some snark (she hates my dad) that SHE has a much, much larger family than he does, and all of THEM love and adore me, so clearly the problem is not some incapability on my part to be part of a family. And then she reassured me that if I had done anything 15 years ago to piss her off, she would have told me so 15 years ago, I would have apologized, and it would be done, because that is how normal people handle things

[rebarnmom]

Originally Posted by ficbot

I'm just really sad about this and having trouble making peace with the whole thing. My rational brain is saying all these sensible things about how I did my best, about how she has something else going on with her etc. that isn't my fault and maybe she'll come around someday but if she doesn't, I handled this by taking the high road etc. But it hurts that my dad has proven once again that I am the last priority in his life, and it hurts too that even though my sister has been a total brat about this, that we couldn't come to any sort of mutual peace on this because family IS really important to me (my mom's family is really close-knit and I love them all) and I wish I could have had that with her. And yeah, it bugs me that she doesn't *like* me because I really don't think I am such a terrible person

It sounds like you've reached out and have done the best you can. It might be hard to forgive & forget, but try not to let it eat you up inside! Separating yourself from such negative relationships, sounds reasonable and surround yourself with people that love and support you. It's their loss and maybe, hopefully, someday (even if takes a while) they'll realize that. Sadly some people will just never get it. I share your sadness and will be keeping you in my thoughts. You're among friends here!

[phenomshel]

It's an odd coincidence, I've been thinking along these lines today. Not about my family (there aren't enough of them left to have any drama), but my husband's family. You see, for about ten years he had no contact with his parents whatsoever. He was the black sheep of the family, they went years without even knowing where he was or if he was even alive. When he met me, that changed. Since we have been together, he has been making every effort to be around his family more, and keep in touch with them. It came to fruition today - his parents and grandparents unexpectedly attended his graduation ceremony. We were invited to his parent's home after the ceremony, his mother tried valiantly to teach me to knit, and his grandmother had me in tears by whispering to me that some of the credit for Chris's triumph today was due to me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. Now, before it sounds like I'm being conceited, let me explain that while I may have been a heck of a motivator for Chris to keep on the straight and narrow, the decision to GET on the straight and narrow was his own.
This was Chris's mom's side of the family today. His dad's side, sadly, could have cared less. And from what I understand, it's always been that way.
All that is to say, I know where you're coming from, at least a bit, and it seems reasonable to me that you have done everything you could.
I know it doesn't make it hurt any less, nor does it make you stop wondering if there was something, anything, else you could have done. But sometimes, well, there just isn't anything else you can do.

[rgeorg]

I understand and basically agree with the posts above regarding "toxic" people and distancing yourself. However, events may occur that make this impossible or difficult (dealing with family executors for example).

I've come to realize that it is similar to dealing with any unstable person - avoid as much as possible and NEVER argue or try to persuade with reason and logic - because that's a waste of time. When I have to interact with this type of person among my relatives I use an "accommodating" stance, agreeing and MAJOR ego-stroking of the other party. Often, this type of personality stems from low self-esteem which results in jealousy and then antagonism. (Wow-talk about donning a therapist-pose! - sounds good though )

I may appear to have it much more in control than I actually have had in the past - I basically moved 3000 miles away to escape .....