Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 514

Stitchawl · 04-17-2014, 03:32 AM

Stitchawl

PieMan597 · 04-18-2014, 07:14 AM

It has recently been discovered in some random elemantary school class why people get goosebumps.
There are little geese in people's skin, and when it is cold the geese try to fly south. They are not strong enough to get out of skin, so the result is little bumps in people's skin when it gets cold out.

I wished the world would work like this.

Skeeve · 04-18-2014, 07:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PieMan597

Once apon a time, there was a very notorious pirate. He would win in battle every time. One day on the open sea, the watchman reported to the captan, "Sir, there is an enemy ship coming our way!"
The captan replied, "Bring me my red fighting shirt!"
They won the battle.

The next day, the watchman spotted another ship, so he alerted the captan. The captan replied, "Bring me my red fighting shirt!"
They won that day.

The watchman saw another ship on the horizon, so he alerted the captan. As usual, he replied, "Bring me my red fighting shirt!"
This time, the watchman asked, "Why a red fighting shirt?"
The captan repled that it was so he didn't look weak.
They won that battle.

The next day, the watchman saw a whole armada of enemy warships on the horizon, and so he alerted the captan.
The captan replied, "Bring me my brown fighting pants!"

You didn't tell it well.
[…]
This time, the watchman asked, "Why a red fighting shirt?"
The captan repled that it was so that no one sees him bleeding should he get injured.
[…]

On a side note: Nazis wore brown

yvanleterrible · 04-18-2014, 09:22 PM

I'm the guy pictured on the wall...

PoP · 04-19-2014, 07:22 AM

To your own risk, especially if you are fluent in german. If anybody has the text form, please refrain from posting.

Skeeve · 04-19-2014, 08:04 AM

I understood this: Wenn ich das Nödstock geht und Schlottermeier. JA! Bayer Hund das oder die Flipperwald gesputt.

PoP · 04-19-2014, 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skeeve

I understood this: Wenn ich das Nödstock geht und Schlottermeier. JA! Bayer Hund das oder die Flipperwald gesputt.

Malheureux

Now all these german readers will die!

WT Sharpe · 04-20-2014, 09:08 AM

Science!

orlok · 04-22-2014, 04:47 PM

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything."

Glorfindel · 04-22-2014, 04:48 PM

WT Sharpe · 04-25-2014, 10:32 AM

Stitchawl · 04-26-2014, 06:27 AM

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before!!

Stitchawl

Stitchawl · 04-27-2014, 09:22 PM

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

Stitchawl

Umoveme · 04-27-2014, 10:40 PM

Stitchawl · 04-28-2014, 04:40 AM

An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on
his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders
a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife
had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 20 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 20 pounds,
but the Italian guy just shrugs, "Dat'sa about average backa home,
...like I said, atsa my boy, a typical Italian bambino."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations
of "WOW"...one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian
baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets
about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "He's a Fifteen pound."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What
happened? He already weighed 20 pounds the day he was born!"

The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on
his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...

"We had him circumcised!"

Stitchawl

04-18-2014, 07:14 AM	#7697
PieMan597 Still a pie Posts: 6,285 Karma: 37018654 Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: PieTown USA Device: Kindle Touch, OnePlus 7 Pro	Little Kids Know It All It has recently been discovered in some random elemantary school class why people get goosebumps. There are little geese in people's skin, and when it is cold the geese try to fly south. They are not strong enough to get out of skin, so the result is little bumps in people's skin when it gets cold out. I wished the world would work like this.

04-19-2014, 07:22 AM	#7700
PoP curly᷂͓̫̙᷊̥̮̾ͯͤͭͬͦͨ ʎʌɹnɔ Posts: 3,002 Karma: 50506927 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: ♁ ᴺ₄₅°₃₀' ᵂ₇₃°₃₇' ±₆₀" Device: K3₃.₄.₃ PW3&4₅.₁₃.₃	The funniest joke in the world To your own risk, especially if you are fluent in german. If anybody has the text form, please refrain from posting.

04-20-2014, 09:08 AM	#7703
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,073 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Science! Attached Thumbnails

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04-17-2014, 03:32 AM	#7696
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Stitchawl

04-18-2014, 09:22 PM	#7699
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04-19-2014, 08:04 AM	#7701
Skeeve Zealot Posts: 142 Karma: 669192 Join Date: Nov 2013 Device: Kindle 4.1.1 no touch	I understood this: Wenn ich das Nödstock geht und Schlottermeier. JA! Bayer Hund das oder die Flipperwald gesputt.

04-22-2014, 04:47 PM	#7704
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything."

04-22-2014, 04:48 PM	#7705
Glorfindel Force-Aware Elf Posts: 4,757 Karma: 11557898 Join Date: Feb 2014 Location: Valinor Device: Kindle 4 w/SO

04-25-2014, 10:32 AM	#7706
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,073 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.

04-26-2014, 06:27 AM	#7707
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before!! Stitchawl

04-27-2014, 09:22 PM	#7708
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted. Stitchawl

04-27-2014, 10:40 PM	#7709
Umoveme Junior Member Posts: 4 Karma: 10 Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: The Last Frontier Device: Kindle apps for iPhone and pc windows 10

04-28-2014, 04:40 AM	#7710
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 20 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 20 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "Dat'sa about average backa home, ...like I said, atsa my boy, a typical Italian bambino." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"...one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "He's a Fifteen pound." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds the day he was born!" The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says... "We had him circumcised!" Stitchawl