Blurb feedback?

[Gregg Bell]

It's for a Women's Fiction novel called The Test. Thanks.

It’s the last chance for law intern Mary Maloney. Twice she’s failed the bar exam and if she fails again, she’ll lose her job, her home, and her self-respect. Only love keeps her going, but that too seems to be slipping through her fingers.

Mary’s college sweetheart, Tom Falcone, has always been “the guy.” From a strict Italian-Catholic family, Tom is determined to carry on the family tradition of ‘one man, one woman, marriage and children,’ and marrying Mary fits right into his plan. But after an argument, his pride getting in the way, he breaks up with her and follows his dream to be a golf pro all the way to Thailand.

Alone and lonely Mary falls under the sway of her high-powered attorney boss. Mary knows soon enough she’s fooling herself—her boss is a player, and besides, Tom’s the only one for her. One little surprise gets in the way, though—after a New Year’s Eve penthouse party Mary attended with her boss a baby is soon to follow.

Tom returns from Thailand, repentant, affirming Mary’s his true love forever. Mary knows his dream of ‘one man, one woman, marriage and children’ will be shattered when she tells him her secret.

[burnafterreading]

Too much info? Seems like that's half the book right there...

[AstoundingBruce]

I agree that it seems to be too much. I like the first paragraph. Without having read the book, I think I wouldn't give away the information in the third paragraph and just go straight into the fourth. Maybe it could begin in present tense; "Now Tom is returning..."

[Rizla]

If it's intended for an agent, I'd say it's okay. If it's for an end-reader, I'd say shorten it by at least 25%. It contains a lot of detail, which brings a lot of fullness to the description, the characters and events are very clear, but can you refine it down to its more essential qualities? It will give it more punch. But the basic structure is sound. Just add brevity.

[Gregg Bell]

Thanks all for the good feedback. How about this version:

It's the last chance for law intern Mary Maloney. Twice she's failed the bar exam and if she fails again, she'll lose her job, her home, and her self-respect. Only love keeps her going, but that too seems to be slipping through her fingers.

Mary's college sweetheart, Tom Falcone, has always been "the guy." From a strict Italian-Catholic family, Tom is determined to carry on the family tradition of 'one man, one woman, marriage and children.' Mary fits right into that plan. But after a bitter argument, his pride gets in the way, and he breaks up with her, taking off to Thailand to follow his dream to be a professional golfer.

Alone and lonely, Mary falls under the sway of her high-powered attorney boss. She realizes too late that she's fooling herself--her boss is just a player, and besides, her heart still beats only for Tom.

Tom follows the beat of his own heart too, dragging him back from Thailand, and hopefully, back into Mary's arms. However, his dream of following the family tradition with Mary may be shattered by the time he returns.

[Rizla]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Thanks all for the good feedback. How about this version:

It's the last chance for law intern Mary Maloney. Twice she's failed the bar exam and if she fails again, she'll lose her job, her home, and her self-respect. Only love keeps her going, but that too seems to be slipping through her fingers.

Mary's college sweetheart, Tom Falcone, has always been "the guy." From a strict Italian-Catholic family, Tom is determined to carry on the family tradition of 'one man, one woman, marriage and children.' Mary fits right into that plan. But after a bitter argument, his pride gets in the way, and he breaks up with her, taking off to Thailand to follow his dream to be a professional golfer.

Alone and lonely, Mary falls under the sway of her high-powered attorney boss. She realizes too late that she's fooling herself--her boss is just a player, and besides, her heart still beats only for Tom.

Tom follows the beat of his own heart too, dragging him back from Thailand, and hopefully, back into Mary's arms. However, his dream of following the family tradition with Mary may be shattered by the time he returns.

Last paragraph has become weak and vague. Keep the revelation about the love-child. You may be giving too much away, but you have to sell the book, and it's a good cliff-hanger hook.

Second pantograph can be shortened (Dunno what a pantograph is. Ask FF spell-checker):

Mary's college sweetheart, Tom Falcone, has always been "the guy." His ethos is 'one man, one woman, marriage and children' and Mary fits right into that plan. But after a bitter argument, his pride gets in the way, and he breaks up with her and takes off to Thailand to become a professional golfer.

If need be, "and if she fails again, she'll lose her job, her home, and her self-respect." could be changed to "and if she fails again, she'll lose everything."

Bonne chance.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Rizla

Last paragraph has become weak and vague. Keep the revelation about the love-child. You may be giving too much away, but you have to sell the book, and it's a good cliff-hanger hook.

Second pantograph can be shortened (Dunno what a pantograph is. Ask FF spell-checker):

Mary's college sweetheart, Tom Falcone, has always been "the guy." His ethos is 'one man, one woman, marriage and children' and Mary fits right into that plan. But after a bitter argument, his pride gets in the way, and he breaks up with her and takes off to Thailand to become a professional golfer.

If need be, "and if she fails again, she'll lose her job, her home, and her self-respect." could be changed to "and if she fails again, she'll lose everything."

Bonne chance.

Thanks Rizla. I thought the love child hook was critical too but got talked out of it. Now I'm back considering it. Appreciate it.