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Old 02-15-2013, 06:55 PM   #6076
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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"My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game."
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Old 02-15-2013, 07:05 PM   #6077
badgoodDeb
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"My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game."
Or else "who is fastest on the draw" ....


(a Western gunslinger phrase, in case it is USA only)
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Old 02-16-2013, 12:02 AM   #6078
PeterT
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A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge"?
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Old 02-16-2013, 07:58 PM   #6079
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
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Old 02-17-2013, 08:04 AM   #6080
Iznogood
Guru
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Love is like a game of cards.
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Bridge eh?
But hopefully the kind of bridge played without a dummy
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Old 02-17-2013, 04:16 PM   #6081
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

"He says you’re gonna die."
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Old 02-17-2013, 05:42 PM   #6082
pdurrant
The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fbone View Post
But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.
I know it was a joke, but just in case: This is, of course, not what to do if someone is bitten by a snake!
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Old 02-17-2013, 11:32 PM   #6083
Figlilly
Zealot
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Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
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Old 02-18-2013, 09:34 AM   #6084
orlok
Close to the Edit!
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Apologies in advance...

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.
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Old 02-18-2013, 12:52 PM   #6085
MJK2111
FUBAR!
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Apologies in advance...

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.
Bravo!
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Old 02-18-2013, 03:14 PM   #6086
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.
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Old 02-18-2013, 06:43 PM   #6087
yvanleterrible
Reborn Paper User
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Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.
...but they'll gladly pick your funny bone...
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Old 02-19-2013, 07:24 AM   #6088
Kumabjorn
Basculocolpic
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Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.
Reminds me of this.
A buddy is one who will help you move.
A true friend will help you move a corpse.
Dog is man's best friend.
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Old 02-19-2013, 08:09 AM   #6089
maianhvk
whimsical
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shortest horror story:

Spoiler:
Monday.
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Old 02-19-2013, 08:22 AM   #6090
din155
Guru
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shortest horror story:

Spoiler:
Monday.
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