Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[orlok]

^ that joke deserves something, but I don't think it's karma

[orlok]

At two-thirty in the morning a man is woken up by the door bell, so he goes downstairs and opens the door. There is a man standing on his doormat, who asks if he could give him a push, to which the man replies "No I bloody can't! Not at two-thirty in the morning!" and slams the door on him.

He gets back into bed and his wife asks him who it was, and he tells her, "It was some idiot, looking for a push." His wife however is furious and reminds him how they broke down once late at night and had to ask someone to give them a push, and that they would have never been able to continue if it wasn't for the man who'd helped them.

The husband sighs and puts on his coat and slippers, walks back downstairs and opens the door. The man isn't standing there anymore so he shouts into the darkness, "Hey! do you still want a push?"

"Yeah!" the voice replies.

He can't see the man, so he shouts again, "Where are you?"

"Over here, on the swings."

[Glorfindel]

[PieMan597]

Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9 and go right on to Windows 10?

Spoiler:

Because 7 8 9.

[HomeInMyShoes]

I thought it was because they got a discount on Bo Derek merchandise they were hoping to use at launch.

[Glorfindel]

More news coverage

[Stitchawl]

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like, "I KNOW, RIGHT!'


Stitchawl

[PoP]

PMS jokes aren't funny. ABSOLUTELY, Ψ∜♛✪, NOT FUNNY PERIOD!!

[orlok]

An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession.
"Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours."
"You were both in great danger, two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind, but I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[crich70]

A man is waiting in line to enter heaven and St. Peter tells him that he can bring one thing in with him. The man chooses to bring in a bag of gold. After he leaves St. Peter turns to one of the other Apostles and says, "there goes another one bringing in paving."

[PieMan597]

Why is a building called a building if it has already been built?

[Stitchawl]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local HEB. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him on Aisle 5.


Stitchawl

[HomeInMyShoes]

Haha.

[PoP]

Originally Posted by PieMan597

Why is a building called a building if it has already been built?

Because only the English could have invented english!


We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England ...
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?




EDIT: For the record, this is not from me. I don't remember where I copied it from. Thank you all anyway for the K.

[japinder]

Wow...